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Wanda Sykes & President Obama at the White House Correspondents Dinner, May 9, 2009

YouTube has two clips of Wanda Sykes and three of President Obama. Below is a rough transcript.

Click here to watch the videos.

Wanda Sykes: "It's funny to me, Mr. President, that they [the press] never catch you smokin', but they always catch you with your shirt off... There was never a nipple portrait of Lincoln, I'm sorry." "The first black President. I know you're biracial, but the first black President. Unless you screw up. Then it's going to be, 'What's up with the half-white guy?'" "And God forbid Joe Biden falls into the hands of the terrorists. They won't even have to torture him. Just say, 'How's it going, Joe?'" "We haven't heard anything from Bush. He's like that house guest that breaks something and then sneaks out before you find out." "And what's with these governors who're turning down the money? Who turns down money? Maybe you oughta get Oprah to give it away. Oprah'll say, 'OK, Governors, look under your seats.'" "It's a pity Governor Palin isn't here tonight. She pulled out at the last minute. Somebody ought to tell her that isn't how you practice abstinence." "I'm glad you're doing something about the teachers. Pay them more money and maybe they'll stop sleeping with the students."

About Michelle Obama: "Most of the previous First Ladies needed sleeves. Some of them needed ponchos. But sometimes you gotta keep your arms to yourself. You went over there touching the Queen. You were pattin' her on the back like she just slid into home plate. 'Way to go, Queen!' And whose idea was it to give the Queen an ipod? What're you gonna give the Pope, a bluetooth? Give her something that says America. Give her Texas." "Tomorrow's a really rough holiday for Rahm Emanuel. He's not used to saying 'Day' after 'Mother.'" "Rush Limbaugh said he wanted you to fail, wanted America to fail. He's not saying anything different from Osama bin Laden. That's treason. You know, he might have been the 20th hijacker, but he was so strung out on Oxycontin he missed the flight." "Dick Cheney, that guy scares me. I tell my kids, if two cars pull up, and one has a stranger and one has Dick Cheney, you get in the car with the stranger." "They were even giving you grief, Mr. President, about Bo, about your dog. 'Why didn't you get a rescue dog?' Listen, you're rescuing a country that was abused by its former owner."

President Obama: "I'm Barack Obama. Most of you have covered me. All of you voted for me." "Apologies to the Fox table. Where are you?" "No matter which party you belong to, we can all agree Michelle has the right to bare arms." "Sasha and Malia aren't here tonight because they're grounded. You can't just take Air Force One on a joy ride to Manhattan." "When this all started I asked David Axlerod to be partners, and he said to me what partners all across America are saying, 'Let's go to Iowa and make it official.'" "Michael Steele is in the house tonight, or as he would say, in the heezy. Whassup? Where is he? Stand up. Micheal. For the last time, the Republican party does not qualify for a bailout. Rush Limbaugh does not qualify as a troubled asset, I'm sorry." "Dick Cheney was going to be here tonight, but he's busy working on his memoirs, 'How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People.'" "And just last week 'Car & Driver' named me 'Auto Executive of the Year.'" "We've rejuvenated the Democratic Party by bringing in fresh now faces like Arlen Specter. Secretary Clinton had a lot to do with the switch. She pulled him aside one day and said, 'Arlen, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.' And my relationship with Hillary couldn't be any better. The minute she got back from Mexico she gave me a big hug and a big kiss, told me I'd better get down there myself."

"We also have to talk to our enemies, and I've begun to do that. [The monitor showed him meeting with a pirate.] And just because he handed me a copy of 'Peter Pan,' that doesn't mean I'm going to read it." "During the second hundred days we will design and build a library dedicated to my first hundred days. In the next hundred days even John Boehner will become a Democrat. After all, we have a lot in common. He too is a person of color, although not one that appears in the natural world. In the next hundred days I will strongly consider losing my cool. I believe my next hundred days will be so successful that I will complete them in seventy-two days. And on the seventy-third day I will rest."

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