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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

September & October 2000


Week ending September 8, 2000

Late Night Joke of the Week:
"By incautiously calling a New York Times reporter an a**hole in front of a live microphone, George W. Bush gave us a preview of how wars will be started if he becomes President." - Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"George W. Bush said he wanted to restore honor, decency and dignity to the White House. Nice going, a**hole. Bush called a N.Y. Times reporter 'a major league a**hole. I thought that title belonged to George Steinbrenner."

 

"For the U.N.Summit Conference, New York has hired 10,000 part-time hookers. President Clinton is here for the conference, staying at the Waldorf. He was going to stay at his new New York house, but his wife was there. There are eight dictators in New York today. Okay, nine if you count Mayor Giuliani. The Summit's causing gridlock. Today I was stuck in a cab for 45 minutes. I passed the time by reading the driver's name."

"Chelsea Clinton's dating a White House intern. Yep, she's all Clinton. The only Clinton not dating an intern is Hillary."

"Al Gore's so confident he's started raising money legally. To compete with the Gore's, George W. and his wife were seen making out at an execution. Bush has pledged to campaign in all 52 states."

"On Labor Day New York was empty as a campaign promise. It was so cold today a West Nile mosquito was warming itself over my bug zapper."

"For our 7th anniversary here on CBS the network sent me a new set of Firestone tires. CBS advertised Survivor as 'appointment tv.' It was so great you made an appointment to see it. We're being billed as 'disappointment tv.'"

"Ralph Nader picked Winona LaDuke as his running mate. She's one of the La Dukes of Hazzard. And isn't she a Dixie Chick too?"

"'That's a nice hearing aid. What kind is it?' 'Three thirty.'"

"I'm reading a good book: Harry Potter and His Magic Underpants."

"Clinton took Janet Reno to Bogata. They went cruising for hot Latin babes."

Guest D.L. Hughley: "Kids are so expensive. Sally Struthers has these kids you can feed for 61 cents a day. I'll take a dozen of those. I'm just staying on the road until my kids are grown up."
"Strom Thurmond's so old his picture's in Jesus' yearbook."
"Black folks are good at the Olympic sports you can learn to do free in the park. The white guy in track knows he's coming in last. He's just running for the jacket."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"In his latest public appearance George Dice Bush called a N.Y. Times reporter something that rhymes with 'brass pole'. Bush isn't afraid of an open primary or an open debate — just an open microphone. In a related story, a major league asteroid almost collided with Earth."

"Gas prices just jumped 9 cents. George W. Bush called his neighborhood Chevron station 'a major league gashole.' They're calling Bush Old Dirty Candidate."

"Al Gore declines, but George W. says he'll show up for that special Meet the Press and debate an empty chair if necessary. He should be careful. He could lose that one."

"Considering Firestone's troubles, aren't you glad they don't have a blimp?"

"A man in Taiwan chopped off his own hand for the insurance money to pay his gambling debts. What's ironic, he'd been playing the one-armed bandits."

"Teachers in Philadelphia are going on strike. Now who'll the kids have sex with?"

"Tony Robbins' wife is filing for divorce. Maybe she caught him motivating another woman."

"Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss is out of prison and had a lot of plastic surgery done, including her ears. Did they stretch out from guys holding onto them?"

"Prostitution at the Sydney Olympics isn't a problem, because it's legal in Australia. Hence the name Down Under."

"It turns out narcolepsy is caused by watching Big Brother. The producers are offering $20,000 to any contestant who'll leave so they can introduce a more interesting one, and $40,000 to any viewer who can watch a whole hour."

"The Dodgers kicked out two lesbians for kissing when the Dodgers scored a home run. Can you believe that in this day and age — the Dodgers scoring a home run?"

"Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy may be splitting. Puff Daddy says the hardest thing will be leaving her behind."

"Hugh Hefner's unhappy because one of his four girlfriends is in Hawaii filming an episode of Baywatch. He's having to make do with just six breasts. He's a guy who freebases Viagra."

"L.A., once again, is the smoggiest city in American. Today I saw a guy selling air by the slice."

"Four thousand kids were injured on scooters in August. Must be the Firestone tires. Any speed over two miles per hour, they explode."

"Sixty-one years ago today Hitler invaded Poland, starting World War II, which led directly to the History Channel."

"There's a claim that human urine will cure athlete's foot. Could be worse. It could cure acne."

Headlines:
Ad: "Firestone Tires Explosion of Savings."
Headline: "Ice Cream Social and Tomb Opening Planned"
Weddings: "Hert-Burns, Berger-Belcher, Latso-Peter, Rider-Moore, Frost-Butts, Bone-Pullen"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Bush is making all sorts of demands about the debate formats. Al Gore just insists the debates be held Mexican style — sans underwear."

"Kofi's Choice: The U.N. Summit is being attended by 150 heads of state, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had. Fidel Castro looked so young it proves he really does suck the blood of Elian Gonzalez."

"Dour House: Big Brother is watching you. How about returning the favor, people? To boost sagging ratings the producers are trying to bribe one of the contestants to leave so they can introduce a woman named Beth, who can't stand fabric around her nipples and who sucks a banana all day."

"Casino Evil: Donald Trump plans to open an Indian casino in Manhattan. Indian casinos are the most cost effective, because the Indians use every part of the casino. The Donald's Indian name is Runs With Combover."

"Scooter accidents skyrocket. Kids folded, stuffed in backpacks and rushed to hospitals. The Council for the Promotion of Childhood Head Injuries declares 2000 a banner year."

Correspondent Tracy Grenrock Woods, interviewing an astrologer who thinks the zodiac is off: "People think I'm a selfish bitch because I'm a Scorpio. If I'm not a Scorpio, what's my excuse?"

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

T"They're talking about having the Presidential debates on a special prime-time Meet the Press. Ordinarily it's on Sunday morning, but that's when George W. watches his cartoons. Gore wants a 90-minute debate, but George W. is insisting on an hour and a half."

"Kathie Lee Gifford visits hundreds of sick children every year — to see if they're really too sick to work."

"Anna Kournikova is upset that the internet has fake photos of her head on other women's naked bodies. Actually, her body is better than theirs, but they 're better tennis players."

"China has cut 27 athletes from their Olympic team. They tested positive for MSG."

"One of the top modelling agencies was broken into, and a lot of supermodels' phone numbers were stolen. Like Watergate, the trail leads right back to the White House."

"Hugh Hefner is dating four women, and he says they're very jealous. They're afraid he's dating another four on the side."

Ad: "We pay as much attention to nutrition as your husband does to your underage cousin."

Guest Al Franken: "When Al Gore kissed Tipper at the Democratic Convention? That was my idea. In fact, I demonstrated it for him. Not on Tipper. On his eldest daughter. His kiss with Tipper was a little different. There was less struggling. And Tipper didn't knee him in the groin. And he approached her from the front. And he wasn't dragged off by the Secret Service."

Then Al Franken read some actual George W. Bush quotes:
"I know how hard it is to put food on your family."
"Rarely is the question asked, 'Is our children learning?'"
"It was inebriating what Midland, Texas, did."
Bush listed The Very Hungry Caterpillar as one of his favorite books as a child, even though it wasn't published until he'd been out of Yale two years.

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"For the MTV Awards, Britney Spears has been nominated for Best Duo in a Sweater."

"Due to low ratings, Sesame Street may be cancelled. Big Bird has already received a couple of offers, but he can't decide between regular and extra crispy."


Week ending September 15, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

On The Emmy Awards: "It was so hot in L.A., Cher wore only a light coat of primer. She was with a much younger date — Jack Lemmon. This was the third year in a row I was featured in the dead people montage. The low point of the show was when our producer Rob Burnett didn't know the microphone was on and called me 'a major league a**hole.' Oh, and poor Joan Rivers. Her latest plastic surgery failed, and her face rolled up like a busted window shade. Will & Grace became the first gay-themed show to win since our own award earlier in the evening. Shortly after The West Wing beat The Sopranos, Martin Sheen was found floating face-down in the Los Angeles River." [Dave showed a clip of Jack Lemmon thanking his wife, and then we saw Dave's announcer, Alan Calter, in drag in the audience. Then Dave remarked that The Corner beat the Jesus miniseries. There was a shot of storm clouds and then lightning striking the Corner people as they accepted their Emmy.]

"I'm going to the Emmys as Anne Heche's first post-lesbian date. I'm up for the Major League A**hole award."

"The Republicans have been accused of running ads with 'RATS' inserted subliminally. George W. says it's a complete mistake. It was supposed to say, 'A**HOLE.'"

"Ah, autumn in New York! Today is the official end of the outdoor urinating season."

"Cats closed after 7,485 performances. I'll bet I only missed 20 of them. Let's see how many guys in cat suits we can fit into a midtown coffee shop." [The answer turned out to be 17.]

"John Gotti's daughter is getting a divorce. She gets the house, the car and the boat. Her husband gets to live."

"The U.N. Summit is being attended by 150 world leaders. There hasn't been such thirst for power in one room since Hillary Clinton dined alone. A woman ran up to Fidel Castro and said, 'Rabbi, what do you think of Joe Lieberman?' Castro loves the Waldorf. The only way they'll get him out of his suite is with a pre-dawn raid."

"Castro's speech at the U.N. Summit was so important he hired Bruce Vilanch to punch it up with a couple of jokes."

"George W. Bush is addressing the Summit of Major League A**holes. George W. spends three and a half hours a day playing video games. That's what we need, a President whose only goal is to do well at Tetris.""

Dave was proud that John McEnroe's son was wearing a Late Show t-shirt as he sat behind his father and President Clinton at the U.S. Open.

"I'd like to apologize for last night's show. I didn't realize the microphone was on."

"Chelsea Clinton is dating a White House intern, and the Republicans want to impeach her. Bill Clinton likes the kid, but then he never met an intern he didn't like."

"The MTV Video Music Awards are just over, and somewhere beneath Radio City Music Hall technicians are dismantling Cher."

"Dick Cheney didn't vote for the last sixteen years. He was too busy having heart attacks."

Guest Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura: "My rule is deny everything, admit nothing and launch countercharges. Politicians are after power, because, Dave, you come to Minnesota, I can have you locked up just like that. You'll get three hots and a cot."
Dave asked if Jesse knew the wrestlers The Shire Brothers.
Jesse: "That was before my time. You're dating yourself now, Dave."
Dave: "It's true. I have dated myself."

With Guest Chris Rock:
Dave: "What's this I hear about you hanging out with Jerry Seinfeld and Jack Nicholson?"
Chris: "Well, Dave, Sammy Davis, Jr. is dead, so they use me."

Chris: "It's weird. I'm married, and my wife's family thinks we're related. 'We're not related. I'm just sleeping with your cousin. Get out of my refrigerator.'"

Dave: "What was it like working with Renee Zellweger on Nurse Betty?"
Chris: "We were having a torrid affair until Jim Carrey showed up and started outfunning me, talking with his ass."

Chris: "Nurse Betty has a little sex, a little killing, some jokes — it's fun for the family."

Guest Jake Johannssen: "Hong Kong has the world's largest outdoor brass Buddha. It's bigger than a Jesus of the same height. Buddha is a mesomorph. Jesus is an ectomorph."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"The Pope was rumored to have performed an exorcism over the weekend. So Bobby Knight can go back to work. Knight spent 29 years at Indiana. That's the same time George W. Bush spent at Yale. Vanity Fair says George W. has dyslexia. He says, 'Thank Dog I don't .'"

"Al Gore was on Oprah today. The show was 'Men Who Can't Keep Their Hands Off Their Wives in Public.'"

On the Emmy Awards: "Geena Davis' dress made Jennifer Lopez's outfit look Amish. Her designer was Richard from Survivor. And the success of Will and Grace has led NBC to ask [bandleader] Kevin and me to start dating."

"Cats closed today after eighteen years. Any cast members not adopted after four weeks will be put to sleep."

"Pat Buchanan is getting $12.5 million in federal campaign funds. This is the first time reparations have been paid to the Nazis."

"Indiana coach Bobby Knight should have won an award for best actor for his 'I'm innocent' speech. He was fired for cursing. Isn't it odd that the standards for a basketball coach are higher than for a Republican Presidential candidate? At a rally in support of Knight the students were screaming, cursing and rioting. Where do they learn that kind of behavior?"

"Darryl Strawberry collected his three thousandth arrest today for reckless driving and leaving the scene of an accident. Are they kidding? He is the scene of an accident. He was sentenced to two years house arrest. He asked if he could serve it at Whitney Houston's house."

"It turns out Screaming Jay Hawkins had 75 kids. Imagine being kid 32. You're just the middle child. And think of the hand-me-downs."

"They're offering free samples of Viagra on tv. So far 50,000 guys have called in claiming it's for a friend."

"At the Olympics each athlete gets 51 condoms. On average. The Italians get 60, the French get 40, and Britain gets one for the whole team."

"Did you see Britney Spears' outfit at the MTV Awards? She's the first solo artist to win for Best Duo. And Eminem thanked George W. for bringing swear words into the mainstream. Did you see Eminem perform? Grabbing your crotch a couple of times is ok, but a hundred times is just jock itch."

"Today I accidentally cut off a limo on the freeway, and the passenger starting hurling invective at me — really foul language. Then it turned out it was George W. Bush just practicing a campaign speech. Bush unveiled his new economic plan. Every time he swears he'll put $5 in the cookie jar. At the end of 4 years, he'll have paid off the national debt. Clinton doesn't use 4-letter words. He does them. He's a doer, not a talker."

"Dick Cheney, the Republican v-p candidate, gives less than 1% of his income to charity. Cheney's so cheap, last year he gave a nickel to the March of Dimes. But Bush called Cheney 'a major league asset.'" 

"Hugh Hefner has sex with four women. I can't even handle a call on the other line."

"At the U.N. Summit today Fidel Castro told Bill Clinton, 'That's not what you're supposed to do with a cigar.'"

"China ousted 27 Olympic athletes for using performance-enhancing drugs. The pole vaulter was taking Viagra."

"Ratings on Live with Regis are up 26% since Kathie Lee left. Even Frank Gifford watches it now."

"K-Mart says they won't sell violent video games to kids under 17. Just guns."

"Gas prices are up ten cents this week, but thanks to Firestone tires, no one's driving."

"Campbell's Soup is going back to its old slogan of 'Mmm good.' It's better than, 'When Mom's too drunk to cook.'"

"The most valuable domain name on the internet is www.business.com. The name just sold for $7.2 million. The least valuable domain name is JanetRenoShowerCam.com."

"An Idaho college student fell out of his dorm window while mooning his friends. Another young life ruined by crack."

"The judge ruled against O.J. Simpson, who was trying to stop filming of a movie about his life. O.J. was upset that the actor was holding the knife all wrong."

"The Big Brother producers offered $50,000 to get one of the contestants to leave, but they were turned down. So next week they're going to introduce Richard Simmons."

"They're selling a new video called Gospel Aerobics. Right. Did you ever see a skinny gospel singer?"

Monday Night Headlines:
"Meeting on Impotence Turns Out to Be a Flop"
"Profits Down at Non-Profit Hospitals"
Ad for "Gray Poop-on"
Ad for a "Chili Party with Toot-Toot the Clown"
Ad: "Wanted: someone to share six sheep as soon as possible."
Photo of Bill Clinton under headline: "Casting Call for Come Blow Your Horn"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

On the three Emmys won by Will & Grace: "I do a gay character four nights a week. Where's my Emmy? It used to be the only gay shows on tv were Ellen, Love, Sydney and the repressed homosexual rage of CHIPS."

"Out, Damned Spot: The Bush campaign, and I use the term loosely, has been accused of using subliminal ads. George W. says, 'Why would we advertise underwater?'" [Then Jon showed two clips of Bush pronouncing it "subliminable."] "Possibly Bush was distracted by the thought of executing some criminables."

"Nighty Knight: You're not going to have Bobby Knight to kick you around anymore. We'd like to offer him a hearty, 'Goodbye, jackass.'"

"Rebuke Nukem: The FTC has accused the video industry of marketing adult products to underage audiences. I can see them sitting around saying, 'We've got to find a way to get teenage boys excited about nudity.' The FTC suggested turning away the youngsters by labelling such products 'A fanciful new comedy by Woody Allen.'"

Correspondent Vance DeGeneres did a report entitled "Leggie, Come Home," about a little boy whose artificial leg floated down a creek but was found a year later. Guest Eugene Levy told Jon: "'Leggie' reminded me of the Anna Nicole Smith documentary 'Titty.' Eugene talked about his new movie Best in Show about dog shows. Jon: "A poodle's ass shouldn't smell better than mine." Eugene: "Let's hope it doesn't."

"Cats closed after eighteen years on Broadway. It was time to clean the litter box."

"Castro Turf: Fidel Castro visited Riverside Church in Harlem today. He was presented with flowers by children, whom he then tried to reunite with their real fathers in Cuba. Anti-Castroites are mad that President Clinton shook hands with Castro, believing as they do that Communism is spread by skin contact."

"Geraldo Rivera says most people's reaction to his political ambitions would be, 'Geraldo for Mayor of New York? Ha ha!' You are correct, sir."

Interviewing guests Spinal Tap:
Jon: "You were the first reality show — allowing cameras to follow around and film you."
Spinal Tap: "If we'd only been allowed to vote the drummer out of the band!"
Jon: "The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame..."
Spinal Tap: "Ah. [pause] They don't even return our bomb threats."
Jon: "I first saw you perform at the Flemington County Fair."
Spinal Tap: "We put the Flem in Flemington."
Jon: "Have you been in rehab?"
Spinal Tap: "We go to rehab just to meet women."
Jon: "You guys are still great. Obviously, the chemistry is still there."
Spinal Tap: "And the geography is good too."

Correspondent Mo Rocca: "George W. Bush may be too nuanced for most voters to understand. For example, this Bush comment: 'Is our children failing?' Bush is using himself as an example to prove how poor education was under Clinton/Gore. And, 'I know how hard it is to put food on your family.' Have you ever tried to put pudding on your mother, Jon?" Mo was wearing a campaign button "G.W. Bush from President."

Correspondent Frank DeCaro on the Movie Bring It On:
"This cheerleader movie features cheers that work in hot, warm or cold water. They're all tempa cheers."

Correspondent Nancy Walls reporting on the MTV Music Video Awards: What award show designed for 11-year-olds would be complete without a wholesome performance by Britney Spears? What Spears lacked in vocal ability, she more than made up for by taking off her clothes.

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Al Gore was on Oprah today and said his favorite food was Chinese. Also his favorite campaign contributions. But an hour later you're hungry for more money."

"George W. Bush says he'll appear on Oprah as long as she doesn't try to get him to read any books."

"President Clinton called to congratulate Venus Williams on her U.S. Open win, and Bobby Knight called to scream at her."

"As we speak the MTV Awards are going on across the street. You can almost hear Britney Spears lipsynching. The Gay & Lesbian Alliance is protesting Eminem's lyrics and 'NSync for looking too gay."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Courtney Love is writing her autobiography, I Did a Village."

"Our show was not nominated for any Emmys, but it's an honor just to be overlooked."

"Darryl Strawberry was arrested for reckless driving and leaving the scene of an accident. They tested his blood and found traces of Robert Downey, Jr. He's been sentenced to two years of crack house arrest."

"President Clinton voted for his wife today in New York. When he first went into the booth he was a little confused: 'Where the hell do you put the quarters?'"

"Some parents got into a brawl at their kids' soccer match in New Jersey. They said they were just teaching their children European soccer."

"John Gotti's daughter is getting a divorce. Her husband has moved into a one-room condo at the bottom of the Hudson River."

"The Post Office and Federal Express are merging. Their new slogan; 'When it absolutely positively has to get there sometime this year."

Guest Rodney Dangerfield:
"Last night I caught my wife in bed with the kid who delivers the pizza. She begged me not to tell the butcher."
"My wife's found the best method of birth control. She takes off her make-up."
"I asked my wife, 'On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'"
"Luckily I've got a woman who loves me for my money and my fame, and not for who I am."
"In my new movie My 5 Wives I'm married to five women who think I'm a Don Juan, but after one, I'm done."
"Brigham Young had 52 wives. His motto was 'Bring 'em to me and bring 'em young."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"When George W. Bush called that reporter an a**hole, he didn't even have the courtesy to be drunk like in the old days. 'Major league a**hole' used to be something he just said before he threw the switch."

Special Emmy Report:

Producer Rob Burnett accepting "Best Variety, Music or Comedy Series" for Late Night With David Letterman: "Hey, Dave, the fake heart attack worked!"

Host Garry Shandling:
[Brad and Jennifer Pitt were in the front row]: "I've got to look at Brad Pitt all night. It's like looking in a mirror."
"I lost twenty times before I realized, 'Uh oh, it's based on talent.'"
"I shave one leg so when I'm in bed I think I'm with a woman."
"I don't need Viagra. I could use a pill that makes me want to have a conversation after."
"I once made love for an hour and five minutes — on the day we set the clocks ahead."
"No one ever talks about what Joan Rivers is wearing. She looks like a hooker with a microphone."
"The Sopranos has a character named Big Pussy, which, oddly enough, was my nickname in high school."

Bill Maher: "Do you like my tux? It's a Dick Cheney. The pockets are lined."


Week ending September 22, 2000

Late Night Joke of the Week:
"Playboy is coming out with a magazine for married men — every month the same centerfold." - Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Al Gore is on the show tonight, and security is tighter than Joan Rivers' face. We invited George W. Bush to visit also, but he's unavailimable."
Introduction: "After eight years in the same job, our next guest may be getting a promotion. Here's Al Gore."
Dave: "When you were kissing your wife on-stage at the convention, did you know people were watching?"
Al: "I was surprised at the extent of the reaction. To me it was just a little peck."
Dave: "How would you describe that N.Y. Times reporter George W. doesn't seem to like?"
Al: "Listen, Dave, anybody could have made that mistake. I've sometimes forgotten the microphone was on." [Clip of Al saying to Joe Lieberman: "I'm going on Letterman. That show is so lame," with Joe replying: "Yeah, big time."]
Dave: "Do you think you owe me an apology for that."
Al: "I'm sorry the microphone picked up that comment."

Al Gore's Top 10 Rejected Gore-Lieberman Campaign Slogans [Read by Al Gore]:
10. "Vote for me, or I'll come to your home and explain my 191-page economic plan to you in excruciating detail."
9. "Remember, America, I gave you the internet, and I can take it away."
7. "With Lieberman on the ticket you get all kinds of fun new days off. Vote for us. We're gonna work 24/6."
6. "We know when the microphone is on."
5. "Vote for me, and I will take whatever steps necessary to outlaw the term 'Whazzzup.'"
4. "Gore-Lieberman: you don't have to worry about pork barrel politics."
3. "You'll thank us in four years when the escalator to the moon is finished."
2. "If I can handle Letterman, I can handle Saddam Hussein."
1. "I'll be twice as cool as that President guy on The West Wing."

"Ah, autumn in New York. Before you know it, all the sidewalk Santas will be out of rehab."

"Did you see Hillary Clinton debate Rick Lazio? He says she has no New York roots. But wait a minute. Doesn't her husband's girlfriend live here?"

"Tonight we're following the Latin Grammys. Ricky Martin sang a medley of his hit. Entertainer of the year went to Elian Gonzales. Most touching was the Dead Menudo Montage."

"Have you seen George W. Bush try to pronounce 'subliminal'? Do you think he's electabimal?"

"Today they found a West Nile hooker."

Top 10 Signs You're Going Nuts From the Heat:
8. "You go to dinner with Frank and Kathie Lee just to enjoy the chill."

Dave is/was on vacation September 18 - 22.

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Did you read that new book that says Clinton sent his lawyer in to tell Hillary he'd been cheating on her? He could handle the lying, but he needed a lawyer to tell the truth. He sent his mouthpiece to tell Hillary about his mouthpiece."

"Good news for Geena Davis. The lining for her Grammy dress finally arrived."

"With an 18-hour tape delay NBC brings you yesterday's sports tomorrow. And I'm your host, Jack Paar. Now NBC and the History Channel have the same motto: 'Where the Past Comes Alive.'"

"At the Olympics two Chinese women rowers tested positive for a banned substance — testicles. Did you see the opening ceremony? They lit the torch by tossing a Firestone tire into the pool. No Cuban swimmer has ever won an Olympic medal. All the best ones have swum to the U.S. And how about the modern pentathalon? They shoot a gun, and then they run. We've had that in L.A. for years."

"Two Romanian weight lifters have been booted from the Olympics for drugs. One's a man, and one's a woman. They're not sure which is which. That'll take some more testing. Pat Buchanan complained about the Olympics. 'Too many damned foreigners.'"

"On Oprah today George W. Bush was heckled by a man in the audience. Oprah said in 15 years that's the first time that ever happened. Not the heckling. A man in the audience. Bush said he used to drink to forget. Now he can forget without drinking. And Bush pulled a Gore and kissed Oprah. At least Clinton did all his kissing in the privacy of the Oval Office."

"Al Gore is the smartest, happiest candidate ... Wait a minute!" [Gore turned out to be the cue card guy. Jay introduced him as "the man who invented the cue card."]

"L.A. bus drivers are striking. They want a big raise, and they want it in exact change. The strike could bring L.A. to its knees, which is how most people get work here anyway."

"Tiger Woods has signed a 5-year $100,000,000 Nike deal. Do you realize he could quit his day job and do nothing but play golf all day? This marks the first time Nike has paid anyone of Thai descent more than 11 cents an hour."

"Rick Springfield was arrested for spousal assault. I'll bet Jesse's girl is glad she stayed with Jesse."

"It was so hot today I was sweating like Mike Tyson's psychiatrist. Today Tyson said he's lost interest in the championship. Now he just wants to hurt people. Indiana might hire him to replace coach Bobby Knight."

"I saw Bush's ad where he had 'RAT' put in subliminally, and I got hungry for a hot dog. George W. visited a high school today after being promised the teacher wouldn't call on him."

"At the Olympics each athlete gets 51 condoms. The losers come home with no medals and 51 condoms. But if you use 51 condoms, can you still call yourself an amateur?"

"Wen Ho Lee got out of solitary, and all he said was, 'On Survivor, the naked guy won?!'"

"Did you see the debate between Hillary Clinton and Rick Lazio? Now Hillary has two reasons to hate men. At one point she got so mad at Lazio she actually called him 'Bill.'"

"Bill Clinton's going to visit Vietnam in November. He asked if he could bring Buddy his dog, and they said, 'No, we'll provide lunch.'"

"Did you see where they now have a drive-thru strip joint in Pennsylvania? They were also going to have the women talk dirty, but you can't understand them through those tinny speakers."

"They never had Latin Grammys before, because they had to wait until they were sure the lambada and macarena were really dead."

"The new Viagra ads have the warning that if you're aroused more than four hours you should call your doctor. I'd call the Guinness Book of World Records. Anyway, what if you're not attracted to your doctor?"

"One third of women surveyed said they worry about what they look like during sex. That's why I always turn off the dashboard lights."

"Pam Anderson's boyfriend wants her to get rid of her male masseur. And you think Bobby Knight felt bad about being fired!"

"An assistant pastry chef at the White House is suing her boss, the head pastry chef, for sexual harassment. Isn't that  unbelievable — a straight pastry chef."

"This is the anniversary of the death of J.C. Penney. He left his wife Penneyless."

"Scientists are now saying humans can get herpes from apes. At least that's what Tarzan told Jane."

"Pat Buchanan's getting $12.5 million in federal funds. That'll put a little extra goose in his step."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"George W. Bush sits on Oprah's couch. Sexual tension very high. Bush appeared on Oprah today, or, as he calls it, Geraldo. Bush pulled a Gore, surprising Oprah with a very public kiss and a very private tongue. He leaked tears when he recalled the births of his two daughters by Caesar salad section."

"Our next guests are Barenaked Ladies. A lot of nudity. Not many ladies."

"At the Olympics Nancy Johnson, from that island nation known as the United States, won the first medal with the air rifle: i.e. bb gun. She then promptly put someone's eye out."

"Royally Trucked: British protesting high gas prices stopped traffic without lowering gas prices. This is the most self-defeating English protest since Sting's save-the-rain-forest bonfire and monkey roast."

"Vice Presidential candidate Joseph Lieberman is here. I'm not sure he knows who we are."
Lieberman: "I've been watching old tapes of Ed McMahon on Johnny Carson to see what I'm supposed to do: 'You're right, sir. I never thought of that.'"

"Rodham 'n' Creep: Who won the debate between Hillary Clinton and Rick Lazio? People who went to bed early. But Lazio, who looks like he's got the best fake i.d. ever, proved he was not afraid to reach out to the gay community: 'I'm not ashamed to say I'm a partner of Governor George Pataki.'"

"George Washington's diaries have been released. It turns out 'crossing the Delaware' is a euphemism for sexual experimentation."

"American History Checks: College dropout gives $80,000,000 to Smithsonian. So, kids, don't stay in school."

"Fighter Lennox Lewis is coming out with a line of boxer shorts. I could take him. I'm 140 pounds of asthma. No one wants to mess with me."

Guest Jamie Lee Curtis has written a childrens' book Where Do Balloons Go? Jon: "Up drug smugglers' behinds?"

Correspondent Dave Attell: "If they're making bowling an Olympic sport, why not drinking and driving, or waking up next to a fat girl? I turned down a chance to go to the Olympics. If I spend twenty hours on a plane, I don't want to see games. I want to see some girl-on-girl action and a triple axel off a donkey."

Correspondent Stephen Colbert on media marketing of violence to children: "We must take the children away from their parents and allow them to be raised by the media. We'll plop them in front of the tv until they're ripe, and then harvest them for their organs. We'll live forever!"

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

Guest Vice Presidential nominee Joseph Lieberman: "Al Gore and I have some slogans we're trying out:
'A matzo ball in every soup.'
'Gore-Lieberman: No bull, no pork.'
'With malice toward none, but a little guilt for everybody.'
For angry white makes: 'lox and load.'"
[Then Joe sang 'My Way."]

"Michael Douglas' new son is a chip off the old block. He's 36 days old, and already he's dating a girl 8 days old. Michael says Catherine Zeta-Jones' parents have always respected him. Of course they respect their elders."

"The White House pastry chef is being sued for sexual harassment — for a cream puff that wasn't supposed to be."

"Madonna says she's bored with the press. 'Interviewers all ask the same questions; we have sex; and they leave.'"

Conan is/was on vacation September 18 - 22.

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Elton John said if he were an American, he'd vote for Al Gore. Gore said if he were gay, he'd listen to Elton's music."

"George W. Bush started weeping on Oprah today. I once cried on Oprah too. No, that's not true. Actually I was under Oprah."

"Adam West turned 72 today. He spent the day fighting his archenemy Captain Prostate."

"George W. Bush wept on Oprah today. Who says big girls don't cry? Bush is expected to cry again in November. He says he'll concentrate now on undecided voters, which must mean he'll be spending a lot of time with the wife and kids."

"O.J. Simpson and his girlfriend have broken up. He wanted to get serious. She wanted to live."

"The space shuttle Atlantis landed today, narrowly missing Darryl Strawberry's car on the runway. The Atlantis just returned from the international space station, which exists so astronauts can fly up and repair it."

"Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher have broken up. If two starry-eyed lesbians who had two children artificially inseminated by David Crosby can't make it, who can?"

"There's now a sex manual for dogs. Now you can teach your dogs to do it Courtney-style."

"A 20-foot python was caught in Brunei today. Firemen were called in after the world famous big snake charmer, Madonna, proved unavailable. I won't't draw the obvious parallel between me and a 20-foot python."

"Some 80,000,000 Americans are going to watch the Olympics from the comfort of their own fat asses. Speaking of the Olympics, for old times' sake, today the Atlanta police arrested Richard Jewell."

"Fiona Apple just turned 23. To celebrate she threw a small intimate fit."

"At the top of People Magazine's worst-dressed list: Richard Hatch from Survivor. A town in Rhode Island declared a Richard Hatch Day, but if he takes his clothes off, he'll be voted off Rhode Island."

"The Netherlands has become the first country to recognize gay marriages. Here's a personal message to Harvey Fierstein. Pack your bags, Peaches. We're going Dutch."

"Geraldo Rivera and Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire bride Darva Conger are dating. You can send them a gift from Bed Bath & Publicity Whores."

"Charlie Sheen claims to have had sex with 5,000 women. So does every guy."

"It is now illegal to yell 'Firestone!' on a crowded freeway."

"Alec Baldwin says if George W. wins, he'll move out of the country. If Bush can get all the Baldwins to make the same pledge, he may have a winning strategy."

"Happy 33rd birthday to Nelson. The twins landed their biggest gig in years — playing at some other guy's birthday party."

"Cher will be voting for Gore, but her buttocks will be voting for Bush."

"John Goodman plays a gay father in his new tv series, and Roseanne guest-stars on the first episode, presumably showing why he turned gay."

"The L.A. bus strike has stranded thousands of commuters. Courtney Love is still willing to ride anyone."


Week ending September 29, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Big trouble here in New York. My Mom was busted for scalping Barbra Streisand tickets. Believe me, if I didn't have to be here doing this show tonight, I'd be ... home sleeping. Opening Barbra's show is James Brolin, who comes out and changes a transmission."

"We're on a delay here. These jokes bombed 20 hours ago in Australia. If NBC were any more behind the times, they'd be CBS. Last night I watched Mark Spitz win seven gold medals. Then Jesse Owens pissed off Hitler. But the big news was that a U.S. weightlifter broke the all-time world record in the snatch. And Bill Clinton has Olympic fever. He performed a perfect dismount off an intern."

"Bill and Hillary have a house on Long Island where they pretend to live together. Now they're looking for an apartment in Manhattan. I thought, 'Good luck when they see that impeachment on your application.' Then they found a place at One Impeachment Plaza."

"O.J. Simpson's girlfriend — good gig, by the way — has accused him of breaking into her apartment when she wasn't there and taking some stuff. We know she wasn't home, because she's still alive."

"Al Gore is accused of lifting Bush campaign secrets. That's like stealing the plans for Firestone tires."

"Ah, autumn in New York. Today I saw some squirrels poking through a dead guy's pockets looking for breath mints."

"Did you see the profile last night of the Olympic swimmer who was deathly afraid of water? Or the runner who couldn't find a comfortable pair of shoes? Or the weightlifter who had a heck of a time finding a supporter?"

"The Olympic Committee stripped Rev. Al Sharpton of his medals. I'm afraid last night's audience tested positive for disappointment. But on my way home last night I saw a synchronized stabbing."

"The pick-up line that always worked for me was, 'Do you take Visa?'"

Announcer Alan Calter: "Campaign 2000 is brought to you by Firestone exploding tires. Put some excitement in your car pool. KA-BOOM!"

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Today it was cloudier than a Chinese athlete's urine sample."

"At the Olympics, female water polo players' breasts are coming out of their suits. In fact, I haven't seen this many exposed breasts since the last George Foreman fight."

"Two Bulgarian weight lifters were sent home, and George W. Bush sympathizes. Like him, they don't speak English very well, and they have a drug problem. So many Olympic athletes are failing their drug tests. Maybe those drug tests are just too darned hard! So many athletes have tested positive for drugs, Whitney Houston is going to sing at the closing ceremonies. And in the next Olympics in Salt Lake City, the main event will be peeing in a cup."

"Olympic shot putter C.J. Hunter has hired Johnnie Cochran to defend him against drug charges. Cochran says, 'You better test the specimen, 'cause he ain't confessin' it.'"

"Bush says he's not dyslexic. He eats three big meals a day."

"Al Gore is accused of having a mole in the Bush campaign. The guy was easy to spot. He was the only one who knew what he was doing. What kind of secrets was the guy supposed to learn? How Bush ever got into Yale?"

"Bush says using our oil reserves is like smoking your secret stash before the concert."

"Monica Lewinsky claims she turned down $1,000,000 to pose nude for Playboy. She would have been Miss October, November and December. Now she's taken a job in England as a reporter. The English can always use another Beefeater. Monica did well on the audition — duh. The guy who interviewed her said, 'As soon as she brought that microphone to her lips ...'"

"It's taken five years for Anna Nicole Smith to inherit from her dead billionaire husband. She said, 'If I'd known it was going to take this long, I'd have let him die a natural death.'"

"It's Meatloaf's birthday. He said he wanted a night of wild sex, but his wife says she's tired of Meatloaf."

"A man's been arrested for smuggling a dozen lizards into the U.S. in his underpants. Customs officials were suspicious of the unusual bulge in the front of his pants. The same thing happens to me every time I fly."

"O.J. Simpson's girlfriend told police he broke into her apartment. O.J. denied it. He said, 'I'm a killer, not a burglar.'"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Block the Vote: In Yugoslavia, Slobodan Milosevic is being a total dic — tator in insisting on a run-off election."

"Ready, Willing and Cable: Al Gore appeared on MTV. One young lady asked, 'Can I call you Al?' Gore replied, 'Sure. You know the Paul Simon song, right?' Nothing impresses the young folk like a pop reference from 1986."

"What Water? The Clintons have been cleared in the Whitewater case, giving them the first legitimate reason to hug since Chelsea was born. Cost of the investigation? $56,000,000. The American public's peace of mind at knowing there was no wrongdoing in a 1973 Arkansas land deal, priceless."

"Motel 6 Figures: Amid accusations that staying in the Lincoln Bedroom was a reward for campaign contributions, the White House revealed that 605 guests had stayed there. The only other person to have so many guests stay over in such a short time is ... your mother. Yes! I'm on fire, people! Kenny G's visit led to a sign being posted in the bathroom: 'Please use shower cap.'"

"Spies Like Us: Al Gore is accused of having a mole in the Bush campaign. Cindy Crawford has shown that even these hideous blemishes can be attractive. Gore says he doesn't know how he ended up with tapes of Bush's strategy sessions. Anyone trying to sabotage the Bush campaign will be charged with superfluousness."

"The Long Piss Goodnight: The Olympic torch — has it been drenched in dirty urine? Why do steroid manufacturers make their product so darn tasty?"

"Survivors — why would you want to roast your hairy chestnuts on national tv? Four Survivors were on Hollywood Squares last week. I'll take anything to block."

"The actors who played Norm and Cliff on Cheers want their robot images removed from airport bars. Robots!? I bought those things ten drinks. Comedy Central used my image to sell live babies."

"Paint Misbehavin': The London Royal Academy has opened a controversial exhibition that includes such things as a wax figure of the Pope struck by a meteorite. The Academy calls the exhibit 'Apocalyptic,' rather than 'a bunch of junk thrown together in a hurry.'"

"Slow Vote to China: China has been voted full trade status. Opposing was Jesse Helms, Senator from the great state of 1918. President Clinton announced our first export would be Senator Jesse Helms."

"Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher have split, sending tremors through the lesbian community. You're advised to stay indoors with a supply of candles, preferably scented."

Correspondent Frank DeCaro in "Out at the Movies": "Duets does for karaoke bars what Jaws did for the ocean. It features five actors and Huey Lewis. And The News? Not so good."

Correspondent Lewis Black: "They're already decorating for Christmas in North Carolina. How long does it take these Christians to shop?"

Guest Jonathan Katz, who's plugging his new book: To-Do Lists of the Dead:
"I met Al Gore last summer on Martha's Vineyard, where he was bitten by a tick, which came down with chronic fatigue syndrome."
"We don't think our 17-year-old daughter is ready for the pill, so we've been slipping her a placebo."
"Here's Abraham Lincoln's to-do list: 'Free slaves,' which is checked off; 'Find new way of saying 87 years,' which is checked off; and 'Beef up security at Ford's Theater,' which is not checked off."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

Conan has been pre-empted by the Olympics for two weeks.

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Monica Lewinsky has been offered $1,000,000 to pose nude for Playboy. The offer came from Penthouse."

"Kathie Lee Gifford has been offered her own sit-com. Tv viewers say, 'Call it Just Shoot Us.'"

"No matter who wins the Yugoslavian elections, the winner has to go home in a Yugo. And George W. Bush can't pronounce his name."

"Mt. Everest is being cleaned up. Volunteers are removing oxygen tanks, paper products and frozen rich people."

"Al Gore appeared on MTV. He promised he wouldn't commit troops to war unless there was a direct threat to Napster."

"Scientists have warned that a stray asteroid could hit the Earth with the destructive impact of 25,000 Kevin Costner movies."

"The L.A. transit strike is getting ugly. Today on Hollywood Boulevard twenty people tried to board Ricki Lake."

"In the Olympics C.J. Hunter tested positive for drugs four times. Officials got suspicious when he broke the old shot put record by three miles. He's hired Johnnie Cochran to defend him, which can only mean one thing. He is so guilty!"

"Corbin Berenson has been accused of fondling a woman. Hope this doesn't hurt his career."

"In Yugoslavia, Milosevic is insulted at accusations of stuffing ballot boxes. He says he'll win by good old fashioned mass murder."

"United Air Lines baggage handlers in Denver went on strike, and ended up in Dallas, Toronto and New York."

"Almost 1/3 of the nation's colleges have banned Napster, forcing students to go back to drinking beer and getting laid."

"George W. Bush's Presidential Library will have two wings — Marvel and D.C."

"Madonna's boyfriend has proposed. He got down on one knee and said, 'Will you please get these basketball players out of here?'"

"I attended Barbra Streisand's first farewell concert at the Staples Center. Babs is the biggest selling female artist of all time, if you don't count Michael Jackson. Babs' audience isn't just gay guys. I saw a policeman. And a construction worker. And an Indian ..."

"Anne Heche has sold her life story. It's the typical tale of a small-town girl who dreams of Hollywood stardom and becomes a lesbian to further her career. And it was announced today that Heche is pregnant. If it's a boy, she's going to name him Ellen."

"The Beastie Boys and Rage Against the Machine have cancelled their joint tour, due to the high cost of trashing two hotel suites."

"Pickets are protesting the play Corpus Christi in which Jesus is depicted as gay. The opening night audience became suspicious when He turned water into banana daiquiris."

"Happy Birthday to Scott Baio, 39. A good gift would be — an audition."

"In the Forbes list of the richest 400, Bill Gates is still #1. Larry Ellison is #2. And #'s 3 - 9? Oprah."

"In international SWAT team competition the hardest event was kidnapping a small Cuban child. Next most difficult was surrounding an SUV. The tires fired back."

"McDonald's is opening McCafes inside the restaurants. Starbucks will open inside the McCafes inside the McDonald's."

"Guest Buddy Hackett: "I'm diabetic, but to test myself I just pee in the yard and watch the bees." [A buzzer sounded.] "Did I make that sound?"

Guest Jeffrey Ross: "Lieberman is an old Hebrew word for Dukakis. If Bush wins, the plane will be renamed Airhead One."


Week ending October 6, 200

David Letterman on The Late Show:

Guest Geena Davis: "My [transparent] Grammy dress was a subliminal ad for Bush."
Dave: "And would it have killed you to wear it tonight?"

"Did you folks watch the Presidential debates? Ralph Nader went up twenty points. It was the first and only time Jim Lehrer was the most exciting person in a room. Al Gore had a man in the audience from Florida who had to go all the way to Canada to get his prescription medicine. Bush said that was nothing. Dick Cheney has to send an oil company jet to Toronto to pick up his heart medicine. Bush accused Gore of 'fuzzy math,' which is some charge coming from a guy who uses fuzzy English. I guess Gorge W. won. He made it through the evening without calling anyone a major league a**hole."

"The U.S. women's soccer team was defeated by Norway. But listen, ladies. Silver is still a good enough reason to take your shirts off."

"Did you see the Presidential debates? Both candidates began by French kissing their wives. George W. Bush just wants to show the people he's Presidentiamible."

Guest Tom Cavanagh, who stars in the new show Ed: "I think they should make eating an Olympic sport. We all do it. Now let's see who's best at it."

"The Today Show has expanded to three hours. What's next, Poland?"

"It's autumn in New York. Today I saw a squirrel packing his nuts in Tupperware for the winter. Everything's fine until you try to shut the lid. And only in New York, yesterday I saw a nut gathering squirrels. Today it was so nice the cab drivers thought it was spring and took their annual baths. It was so nice many New Yorkers didn't go down into the subways to urinate. It was so hot today a West Nile mosquito needed a cool drink so bad he bit Hillary."

"The Yankees and the Mets are both in the playoffs, so Hillary doesn't know who to pretend to root for."

"It was five years ago today that O.J. Simpson was acquitted. And in all that time he still hasn't found anyone special enough to murder."

"There was an embarrassing incident at Barbra Streisand's final concert at Madison Square Garden when some guy yelled, 'Sing "Over the Rainbow!" My Mom and I haven't missed a Barbra Streisand farewell concert since 1968."

"Bette Midler has a new show right here on CBS, bringing in the coveted over-55 gay viewers. In another new show, The Fugitive, the fugitive moves to Miami, near a golf course, to look for the real killer. To attract as many viewers as possible, CBS has decided to premiere all its new shows on ABC."

"The Presidential debates are on tomorrow night. Bill Clinton's already said he'll be watching while having sex. To relax, George W. Bush watched an execution."

"The New York Mets are in the playoffs, giving Mets fans what they need, false hope."

"It's Rosh Hosana. Joe Lieberman has to take the weekend off from scolding Hollywood. Hillary Clinton says Rosh Hosana is her favorite talk-show host."

"Al &Tipper Gore were on Larry King. They spent the whole hour making out."

"At the Olympics the captain of the Romanian kayak team tested positive for Dramamine. Then at the closing ceremonies Crocodile Dundee drank a gallon of Foster's beer and extinguished the flame."

Guest Christine Baranski had just returned from Rome where a relative of her husband's was canonised. "There were thousands of people in St. Peter's Square. It was bigger than the Oscars. It was like the Catholic Woodstock." She then gave Dave a risque gift. Dave: "Your relative is a saint, and you're going to hell."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"The Presidential debate was 'The Thrilla in Vanilla.' They dressed alike, talked alike. It was like watching The Patty Duke Show. And Gore was wearing so much makeup, if he'd gone to the White House, Clinton would have hit on him. And Bush accused Gore of 'fuzzy math.' Isn't that the guy who said nasty stuff about Tiger Woods?"

"Monica Lewinsky has turned down $1,000,000 to pose nude in Playboy. She said she wouldn't do it for all the cigars in Cuba. She has accepted a job as a tv reporter in London. Here's a clip." [The interviewee was sitting behind a desk, and Monica pushed the microphone up from beneath.]

"Anna Nicole Smith has been awarded $450,000,000. You thought she was well endowed before! That's quite a return on an initial investment of $200 in silicone. When they got married, he was 89, and she was 26. Before they got married she took him to the Antique Road Show to see how much he was worth. She says he was a great lover, but I think it was just rigor mortis. He died a year later of silicone poisoning. She has to pay back taxes. She earned the money on her back, so it's only fair. But boy can she fix up that trailer now! Anna Nicole said he loved her so much he was trying to adopt her and marry her at the same time. Who would do something like that? Ok, besides Woody Allen."

"Bush has come up with a debate strategy that's the same as the one he used to get through Yale. He's going to edge over and peek at Gore's paper. Here's the George W. Bush quote of the day: 'More and more of our imports are coming from overseas.' Right. Like 100%."

"During the Olympic closing ceremonies, NBC offered a videotape of the games. Haven't we already seen them on tape? The Bulgarian women weightlifters are going back to their regular jobs — as men. Meanwhile, Bob Costas can't get out of Australia. His hair color doesn't match his passport."

"A lot of people are upset at the extent of the Olympic drug testing. I guess it depends on whether you see the urine cup as half full or half empty."

"Tuesday night NBC showed a tour of an Australian brothel. A world record in the hundred meter dash was set by nine married men trying to get out ahead of the cameras. Incidentally, of the 50,000 condoms shipped to the Olympics, 20,000 are still left. In other words, you don't want to miss the closing ceremonies."

"The University of Edinburgh has found a way for men to get other men pregnant. A guy wouldn't say he had a bun in the oven. What would it be, a keg in the cooler? And now we could be seeing Siegfried &Roy & Son."

"Jane Magazine says a lot of phone sex operators are actually senior citizens. In the middle of a conversation they just wander off."

"A prosecutor in Hawaii has filed drug charges against Whitney Houston. I didn't know she was even in the Olympics."

"Wal-Mart is coming out with its own brand of wine. At last, a chardonnay you can enjoy with a corn dog. Now they're one-stop shopping — guns, ammo and cheap liquor."

"A poll shows women think men are sexiest playing football. And they're at their least sexiest watching football."

"Scientists have developed the first marijuana-based suppository. I pity the poor drug-sniffing dogs."

"Charlie Sheen says he's had sex with 5,000 women. Maybe they have the wrong Sheen playing the President on The West Wing."

Guest Christopher Titus: "Tuesday night viewers have to choose between the Presidential debates, baseball and the premiere of Titus. If baseball were any slower it would be the debates. Watch Titus."

"They're offering wonderful Olympic souvenirs:
The Whitman Sampler of Banned Substances
Lipton Cup o' Urine
Richard Simmons' Guide to the U.S. Men's Swim Team
The Javelin Rectal Thermometer."

Monday Night Headlines:
On a menu: "Half Giraffe of Wine"

Announcement: "Happy Birthday to Scott A. Hole."
Question Man column asking, "Do you have smoke alarms?" One woman answered: "I thought I had one, but it turned out to be a doorbell."
Ad: "Enjoy your private parts in this 2-storey house."
Ad: "For sale: mules — some have been to Colorado."
Headline: "Reduce Stress During Castration"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Boston Zzzz Party: For the Presidential debates Bush showed up with his working brain and proved he wasn't a retard. Gore proved he wasn't a robot, looking more like a cosmeticians's over-rouged demonstration head."

After a clip of an Olympic winner declaring, "They're going to name a holiday after me," Jon remarked, "That's true. And the athlete's name? Yom Kippur."

"Hot Sauce Cold War:" Competing hot sauces were Dead Heat, Da' Bomb and Screaming Sphincter, "which makes you burn not once, but twice."

"With our Olympic baseball win over Cuba we've given up all hope of getting back little Elian. Now who's going to heal Miami's sick?"

"The tv ratings for the Olympics were so poor that the Athens games are going to be held in the nude. And the contests will be called immunity challenges."

"Jersey Girl: An image of the Virgin Mary has appeared in smudges on a window in Perth Amboy. Rejoice, oh ye of little Windex."

"Anna Nicole Smith's elderly husband met her while visiting Goody Proctor's Heathen Den of Lap Dancery."

"James Brolin — few realize that his wife is a talent in her own right."

Guest Dean Cain, plugging his new movie The Broken Hearts Club: "I kissed a guy in this movie."
Jon: "Hell, I've banged a bunch of guys."

Guest Jewell: "I'm sure George W. Bush is nice, and I'm all for recovering alcoholics."

Correspondent Steve Carell: "If abortions are outlawed, only outlaws will have abortions."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"After watching Bush vs. Gore, people are wishing Big Brother were still on the air."

"There are rumors that Bush is going to replace Cheney with McCain — and other rumors that Cheney is going to replace Bush with Martin Sheen."

"Bill Clinton says he has no plans ever to write anything about his Monica Lewinsky affair, but he does want to play himself in the movie."

"Charlton Heston turned 76 today, and I'm afraid he's showing his age. At his party he made a rambling speech about the government trying to take away his gums."

"Michael Douglas said Catherine Zeta-Jones' parents were more interested in meeting the new baby than in meeting him. Of course. They're closer in age to the baby."

"Geraldo Rivera is dating Darva Conger, and neither wants to be seen with the other."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"For the first Presidential debate in Boston, Al Gore rehearsed in a quiet place that's never used this time of year — Fenway Park. When asked about Fenway Park, Bush said, 'I fully support the President of South Korea."

"Last night was Barbra Streisand's final concert ever. If you think your life is over, I have one word for you — Liza."

"A judge has awarded $450,000,000 to Anna Nicole Smith. Let me be the first to say, 'Congratulations, Anna Nicole Kilborn.' With all that money, now she can stand on her own two boobs. After the settlement was announced, Anna Nicole crawled out from under the judge's desk. When reached for comment, Catherine Zeta-Jones said she couldn't be more delighted."

"European scientists have thawed out a 5,300-year-old man. Anna Nicole Smith promptly married him."

"A new study finds women think men are sexiest playing football. Men think women are sexiest playing — with each other."

"A man in Denver has raised an 850-lb. pumpkin — large enough to feed an entire Oprah."

"Hollywood madame Heidi Fleiss is starring in a new sit-com, That 70's Ho."

"Wal-Mart is coming out with its own wine. Their motto: 'We will sell no wine before 9 a.m."

"At the Olympics a Romanian weightlifter was banned after traces of urine showed up in his steroid sample. At the Olympic closing ceremonies millions of Americans tested positive for not giving a crap. The 900 tons of garbage left after the Olympics will be bundled up and made into Crocodile Dundee 3."

"Ray Charles was given a surprise party for his 70th birthday. His friends all jumped out from behind — well, nothing."

"The movement to shut down Napster is opposed by — everyone on the face of the Earth. Courtney Love says she's still willing to give it away free."

"Clint Eastwood won the suit brought against him by a wheelchair-bound woman who claimed he didn't provide handicapped facilities at his inn. He called her an opportunist. She called him both dirty and hairy."

"On this day in history John.D. Rockefeller became the first billionaire in history. If he were alive today, he'd be married to Anna Nicole Smith."

"Nicole Tam, 12 years old, has started college at U.C. Davis. She brought pencils, a book bag and a restraining order against Woody Allen."

"George W. Bush visited a fourth grade class today. He told the kids fourth grade was the best three years of his life."

*****

Premium Blend on Comedy Central:

Penelope Lombard: "My period was late, and I had nothing to worry about, but I worried anyway: 'Maybe I am going to have the Lord's child.'"


Week ending October 13, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Both Bay Area baseball teams tanked. San Francisco hasn't been this depressed since Barbra Streisand announced her retirement. But in the World Series, both contenders could be from New York. Too bad we can't say the same thing about the Senate race. So we might have a subway series. In New York when we talk about a subway series, it's usually a series of unsolved murders."

"Bill and Hillary Clinton are celebrating their 25th anniversary. Clinton and Jennifer Flowers are celebrating their 23rd; Clinton and Paula Jones, their 9th; and Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, their 3rd."

"I'm confused about CBS's new fall schedule. Is Bette Midler looking for a one-armed man? Incidentally, Bette Midler and Al Gore have the same makeup artist."

"For the second debate Al Gore is spending a lot of time working on his fibs, and George W. Bush is practicing his deer-caught-in-the-headlights look."

"In the second debate Al Gore said he'd put a 24-hour camera in the Oval Office. And you thought this show was dull!"

"It's autumn. Time to change to your Firestone exploding snow tires."

"Today is Yom Kippur and Columbus Day, so Hillary doesn't know whether to pretend to be Jewish or Italian. Did you see her debate with Rick Lazio? She had so much makeup on, she looked like Al Gore. Incidentally, Gore has five new made-up stories for his next debate."

"Bill and Hillary Clinton are celebrating their 25th anniversary. Say what you will, that's a long time to be unfaithful to one woman."

"Jim Lehrer did a good job hosting the Presidential debate, but I hope next year they bring back Billy Crystal."

"In the first debate they asked George W. Bush, 'What about Slobodan Milosevic?' and he said, 'They should never have taken her gold medal away.'"

"In the Vice-Presidential debate Joe Lieberman looked relaxed standing at the podium, and Dick Cheney looked relaxed lying there on the gurney. Cheney said to the moderator, Bernard Shaw, 'How'd you like to go for a ride on a great big oil tanker?' If Cheney doesn't win, he has to go back to his old $5,000,000-a-year job. Joe Lieberman called Dick Cheney 'a major league putz.'"

Guest Kevin Spacey rides a souped-up razor scooter that can go 25 mph. He says, "You have to wear a helmet, kneepads and a cup — it's like a first date."

Kevin Spacey also said, "I went to Barbra Streisand's farewell concert at the Staples Center. That place is huge. I had binoculars and caught a glimpse of her. She looked great."

"Did you see the Country Music Association Awards? The Dixie Chicks won the big award for, well, most chicks."

"Friday is the premiere of The Fugitive here on CBS. In New York we have our own version of the Fugitive. She's running for Senator."

Top 10 Least Popular Stripper Names:
10. Ginger Vitis

9. Stripper Gore

8. Mrs. Charlie Sheen
7. Stanley Cups
6. Lois the Letterman Look-alike
5. H. Rose Perot
4. Sue Dafed
3. Yogi Bare-Ass
2. Nude Gingrich
1. Tammy Lasorda

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

Guest Bette Midler films her new sit-com in California, flies home to her family in New York every two weeks, and then sleeps for about two days. Jay asked how she satisfied her husband after the two-week absence. Bette: "I just lay there."

"In Knoxville, Tenn., a woman is suing McDonald's because she burned her chin with a hot pickle. Her husband wants $15,000 'for loss of her wifely services.' If she can't eat a pickle correctly, how valuable are those services?"

"Switzerland is legalizing marijuana. They make the most accurate clocks in the world, and no one will care what time it is. And how much chocolate are they going to sell now!? Also, scientists have developed the first marijuana suppository. 'This is your butt. This is your butt on drugs.' When you visit the doctor, you won't know whether you're getting a prostate exam or being busted for drugs."

"Tina Sinatra went on 60 Minutes and said that, during the 60's, Frank Sinatra asked the Mafia to fix the election for the Democrats. George W. Bush is so desperate, he's asked Frank Sinatra, Jr. to help him."

"I saw a commercial for that new Spike Lee blackface movie. It turned out to be an ad for Pat Buchanan."

"Pat Buchanan says the Native Americans protesting Columbus Day should just go back where they came from. On Columbus Day Native Americans put out ice cream and cake — and then watch the white people take it from them."

"Paula Jones is going to appear naked in the December Penthouse. She needed the money to replace the Firestone tires on her house. The Penthouse people say it's tastefully done. In none of the pictures do you see her face. Actually, it's really wild. It's the first photo shoot with a woman straddling a possum."

"Al Gore visited a bookstore today. It was somewhere he knew he wouldn't run into George W. Bush. But Gore was upset. In the fiction section he found everything he's said during the campaign."

"Bill Clinton became the first U.S. President to meet with a top official from North Korea. Unfortunately, Buddy the dog wandered in, and the North Korean said, 'Good! Lunch!'"

"You know that new abortion drug RU486. Clinton has a new license plate, RU469."

"In the first Presidential debate, when they asked George W. Bush about prescription drugs, he said, 'Since when do you need a prescription to get drugs?'"

"And did you see Gore's makeup? It was so bad he's fired his mortician. Gore told about a Florida man who has to go to Canada to get his prescriptions filled. Bush said that was nothing. He once had to go to Colombia for his drugs."

"Did you catch the Vice-Presidential debates? In the polls Gore and Bush are now running behind Lieberman and Cheney."

"And 25,000,000 viewers watched The West Wing, which is more than watched the debates. It's sort of weird that fictional Presidents are more popular than real ones."

"Fishnet stockings are now considered appropriate for office wear. So how are men going to be able to tell the professional women from the professional women?"

"I bought something at a rock-bottom price today on Priceline.com — their stock. It's fallen from $165 to $5.81. This is the worst thing that's happened to their spokesperson, William Shatner, since the big toupee shortage of '89."

"O.J. Simpson's girlfriend says he got all coked up and actually acted out the killings for her. The worst part was that the acting was really bad."

"The Catholic Church has declared that an image of the Virgin Mary in a window in Perth Amboy is just a defect in the glass and not a miracle. A virgin in New Jersey — isn't that in itself a miracle?"

"On Titans the son has sex with his father's fiance. Wow, how long do you get grounded for that?"

"The Beatles have released their autobiography. It's called Yoko, What a Bitch."

"Anna Nicole Smith is getting $450,000,000 from her late 90-year-old husband. During the wedding she said, 'I see dead people.' In court this week she says she once gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Sucked the gold fillings out of his teeth. But then she had a setback. Her stepson, who's 63, said she rarely talked to his father, and then just for five minutes on the phone — for which she charged him $3.99 a minute."

"Wal-Mart is producing its own brand of wines. So you have to ask yourself, 'Does green go with fish?' Their slogan is 'We put the sewer in connosewer.' Have you seen their ads? 'Rent on trailer, $15. Cough syrup to put kids to sleep, $3. Wal-Mart wine, $2. An evening of trailer park romance, priceless.'"

"A big company is thinking of buying Napster, and the 19-year-old kid who owns it could make $100,000,000. Why pay him? Why not just download it for free when the kid's not looking. It's not stealing. It's sharing."

"The Hypocrite of the Year Award goes to that guy who demanded Clinton resign over the Lewinsky scandal. The guy was arrested for fondling a male park ranger and masturbating in a national park. It's a case of 'three strokes and you're out.' He blames a vast right-hand conspiracy. But his friends all say they're pulling for him."

"More people were born on October 5 than on any other day this year, which makes sense, because it means they were conceived on New Years Eve. Apparently those crowds in Times Square were packed a little tighter than we thought."

"A West Virginia state senator is upset at The West Wing, because they slammed his state. He was so upset he fell off his first cousin."

"Twenty-seven years ago Elvis and Priscilla Presley got a divorce. Elvis still had the cook prepare two dinners every night. And then he ate both of them."

"The CEO of Firestone has resigned. He's taking a new job with a company that makes children's toys out of plutonium."

"A new study shows men in their 60's are more likely to commit adultery than men in their 20's. I think they're just more likely to talk about it. But the bad news? Think about it. Clinton's just getting started."

Guest Noah Wyle: "A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing saran-wrap underwear, and the doctor says, 'I can clearly see you're nuts.'"

"Britney Spears was seen smoking a cigarette after a concert this week. Someday she may have an iron lung to go with her silicone ones."

"In a study 50% of the women said they's had sex on their lunch hour. And, depending on the guy, many of them had time for lunch too."

Monday Night Headlines:
Ad: "Skankless Ham"
Ad: "Asstralian Naval Oranges"
Ad: "Try our new spellchecher."
Ad: "Miss Nude World Pageant. Kids under 12 free."
Classified: "Help me find my pajama bottoms."
Headline: "Policeman Bitten By Trouser Snake"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"George W. Bush's communications director said a President cannot make things up. Obviously, her study of the Presidents ended with Truman." [Photo of Clinton, Reagan and Nixon]

The Daily Show is/was in reruns the week of Oct. 9 - 13.

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

Former sidekick Andy Richter, dressed as a homeless person, came back to discuss his movie career since he left the show. Actually, he's in the new Robert Altman film, Dr. T & The Women, starring Richard Gere. Andy: "I was so afraid Richard Gere would say something about all those gerbil jokes we did about him, but he didn't." Conan: "Did the gerbil say anything?" In the clip Andy and gynecologist Richard Gere are talking about Andy's wife's hair, ending with Andy saying, "Oh, you're talking about the hair on her head!"

"The Jerry Springer Show just celebrated its tenth anniversary, so the teenagers on the first show are probably grandparents by now."

Guest Lewis Black: "I saw Al Gore speak live, which is an odd way to put it."

"Spousal abuse charges against Rick Springfield have been dropped. Even his wife had trouble identifying Rick Springfield."

"During the Vice-Presidential debate Dick Cheney pulled out a b-l-t and ate it in front of Joseph Lieberman. Other than that they were very polite. They called each other Mr. Douchbag. And both went out of their way not to alienate gay voters. In fact, they held hands."

"In the Presidential debate, Al Gore was criticized for sighing too much. He said he wasn't sighing. 'It was just the pressure being released from my hydraulics.'"

"Hillary Clinton and Rick Lazio have spent $100,000,000 on their campaigns. For that kind of money you can marry Anna Nicole Smith."

Guest Jonathan Katz, who's just written a book, To-Do Lists of the Dead:
"In the hotel I started to watch Anal Intruders 2, but then I realized I hadn't seen Anal Intruders 1."
"I watched the Presidential debates with my 7-year-old daughter. It's the first time she's asked if she could go to bed."
"I had no experience with women. On our wedding night I tried to inflate my wife. I think she enjoyed it."

"Next month CBS is doing a mini-series on O.J. Simpson. They're going to put O.J. in a house with eight people and see who comes out."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Today is Columbus Day. Columbus is the guy who, except for the Indians, the Vikings, the Egyptians and possibly the space aliens, discovered America."

"On this day Orson Welles died. And so did six pallbearers."

"To mark what would have been his 60th birthday, two John Lennon albums are being re-released with extraneous noises removed — or, as the sound engineers call it, Yoko."

Craig showed a clip of an incredibly muscular 9-year-old bodybuilder. "Besides weightlifting, he also runs five miles a day — away from Michael Jackson."

"Last night was the Country Music Association Awards. The big winners? The deaf. The big song was 'I'd Give My Right Nut to Save Country Music.' It was sung by k.d. lang."

"O.J. Simpson says he plans to release a rap album before the end of the year. Eminem is afraid it will give rap a bad name."

"Here's a clip of that big Japanese earthquake. Can you believe someone had a camera? And at least all those Japanese movies dubbed into English are back in synch. George W. Bush says he's relieved the Eiffel Tower is ok."

"The Harry Potter books are huge in China. They're even bigger than The Cat in the Oven."

"Amtrak has a new slogan: 'There's something special in the air.'"

"This week there's a big balloon festival in New Mexico. The men don't know in what direction the wind will be taking them, except that it's away from their wives."

"A South Korean man with no hands failed in his attempt to climb Mt. Everest. He blamed the failure on his lack of hands, the fact that he has no hands, and his handless arms."

"Madonna is writing a new children's book: Snow White and the Seven Detroit Pistons."

"A new study shows you can tell how a man performs in bed by the way he eats. In a related story, I took a four-hour lunch today."


Week ending October 20, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"New York is caught up in subway series fever. Mayor Giuliani's wife is wearing a Yankees cap, and his girlfriend is rooting for the Mets. The last subway series was so long ago that Hillary Clinton was still living in the state where she actually lived. I was watching last night's Yankees game in my underwear and sox, and the bartender at Hooters said, 'Hey, get out of here!'"

"Here's the leader of the free world, your Miss America."
Miss America: "I did CNN, Today, Regis and five other interviews today."
Dave: "That makes us feel real special."

"The second Presidential debate was so dull CBS is thinking of picking it up as a sit-com. It was so dull I thought I was hosting it. Gore lost the coin toss and had to wear the blue tie. Bush said, 'It's time for a change,' and I agreed, so I switched over to the Mets game. Bush looked poised, relaxed and confident. You know what that means. He's drinking again. He said that if he's elected, he'll install an electric chair in the White House. Bush is so confident he just kissed Tipper."

"Al Gore suffers from a split personality. Whenever he turns on his personality, everybody splits. In the first debate Gore was criticized for being overbearing, and in the second debate, for being too passive. In the third he's going for dazed and disoriented. He promises that if he's elected, in the first hundred days he'll nail down a personality."

"In the third debate Gore unveiled his new personality, The Mysterious Dr. Vando. And Bush threatened Gore with a lethal injection. Bush was very relaxed, due to his closest advisor, Dr. Jack Daniels. They say Bush held his own. It's worked for Clinton the last two years."

"We have one candidate who babbles incoherently, and a second candidate who ... babbles incoherently."

"At least if Bush is elected we'll have a President drilling in Alaska instead of the Oval Office."

"Today is Friday the 13th, so President Clinton refused to have sex under a ladder."

"It's time for CBS Mailbag. You can e-mail us, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked. Licked by a stranger. There's a song title for you."

"It's autumn in New York. Today in Central Park I saw a squirrel pretending to be road kill for the insurance money."

"We had a lovely rain in New York today. Rain is nature's way of washing the urine off the streets."

"Saturday night I'm going to swallow some Viagra and watch the Miss America Pageant. The talent competition is tough. Miss New York, using only a coathanger, can break into a Lexus — and the entire time she's smoking."

"New York hookers are offering a baseball special. For $100 they'll be Yankers, and you can be the Yankee. Everybody's excited about the subway series. People are already printing up fake tickets."

"McDonald's is going to sell deli food. Right now they're training 16-year-old illegal aliens to make chopped liver. You'll be able to have scalding hot matzo ball soup dumped in your lap."

"Don't go by tonight's show. Look at my record in Texas."

"What time did the audience go home?"

Announcer Alan Kalter stripped to his boxers and walked up and down Broadway shouting, "Who let the dogs out?"

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"A couple in Europe tried to commit suicide together by poisoning themselves, taking sleeping pills and shooting each other in the head, and they're still alive. I have one word for them: Firestone."

"Clinton is working an a Middle East cease fire — or, as the participants call it, reloading."

"Have you been watching the Presidential debates? Bad things come in threes. Baseball is having a subway series. The debates were a subpar series. In the first one the candidates were standing. In the second they were sitting. In the third they were both lying. You know what Gore and Bush both call the wealthiest 1%? Daddy. Bush talks about his great health plan, but he still has that sniffle. Watching Gore and Bush talk about how they'll run the country is like watching Woody Allen and Michael Douglas arguing over who should babysit your 16-year-old daughter."

"We have a new Miss America from Hawaii. George W. Bush says it's nice to have a winner from a foreign country. In the talent competition Miss Texas executed a guy."

"The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs — hence the origin of gay pride."
Bandleader Kevin Eubanks: "Gee, I didn't know I was gay."
Jay: "No wonder Grace moved in with Will. But if it were true, wouldn't Richard Simmons wear longer pants?"

"In. L.A. today a gorilla escaped in the zoo. It went into the men's room, where they shot tranquilizer darts into it. That's the same way they handled George Michael."

"How many of you have money in the stock market? Oh yeah? Check again."

"Leona Helmsley is dating an eye doctor half her age. He'd better hope he gets her money, because his business is shot. How many people want their eyes checked by a man who looks at Leona and goes, 'Oh yeah!'?"

"Did you see the second Presidential debates? Al Gore looked like a great Dane that just got neutered, and George W. Bush came out against gay marriage. The only time he wants to see two guys holding hands is at a double execution. And they talked about 'brown fields,' abandoned industrial sites. Here in L.A. we call that Planet Hollywood."

"We've gone from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to Bill Clinton, who can't tell the truth, to Al Gore, who can't tell the difference. When Bush can't remember details, Gore makes them up for him."

"Al Gore assembled a focus group this week to tell him who he is."

"Two gay men have given $2,000,000 to their college's Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Center. In my day we just called it Drama Club."

"An analysis of Beethoven's hair shows he suffered from acute lead poisoning. How bad was his HMO, when he had to wait hundreds of years for the lab results? Today a musician with lead in him is a rap star."

"A group of topless women are holding a prayer vigil to protest the felling of trees. Clinton flew home from the Middle East to take a hand in the negotiations."

"I went to Sly Stallone's new movie, Get Carter, but the guy in front of me kept talking on his cell phone, and I got fed up and left after an hour. Luckily, by the time I got home, it was already on video."

"Paula Jones is posing naked for the December Penthouse. She's not lying on a bearskin rug. That's chest hair. The pictures are guaranteed Viagra-proof."

"In Maryland a 38-year-old teacher was arrested for having sex with her 12-year-old student. And the class was so crowded that, during sex, the kid had to stand. Actually they had sex in her car. Boy, driver's ed is a lot different than when I went to school. George W. Bush gave the kid a voucher to have sex with a private school teacher."

"In Texas a 78-year-old woman was arrested for selling crack. The bad new is that with her drug income cut off, she may turn to prostitution."

"Anna Nicole Smith, who was 26 when she married an 89-year-old billionaire, says that on their wedding night she asked him what he liked in bed, and he said, 'Guard rails!' On Entertainment Tonight they asked her if she'd give back the $450,000,000 if she could have her husband alive again. She said, 'That can't happen, can it?' You know how he proposed to her? He took off his clothes and said, 'Who wants to be a millionaire?'"

"Shaq just signed an $88,000,000 contract. They're trying to pay him enough money so he won't even think of making another rap album. Anna Nicole Smith said if he were just forty years older, she'd marry him today."

"O.J. Simpson says he can get any woman he wants. He must have bought a set of those throwing knives."

"Alabama has outlawed vibrators, and the women are just buzzing about it. The female judge said she needed more time to consider the matter. She was so close."

"Hugh Hefner, who's 74, has just dumped the twins he was dating. At his age I don't know if he has a wandering eye, or just wanders off. His new girlfriend is 22-year-old Buffy. That's Buffy the Octogenarian Layer."

"Viagra has been shown to cure impotence in rats. But wouldn't it hurt when they got on that wheel?"

"A city in Maine has made it illegal to give alcohol to a moose. How lonely are these guys?"

"Researchers say riding a bicycle can get a woman sexually excited. Riding in a Porsche works even better."

"Tito Jackson turned 47 today. He spent the day in obscurity with his friends Joey Travolta and Frank Stallone."

"Two Americans have won the Nobel Prize in Economics. They're the first to figure out all the little charges on their phone bill."

"Dr. T & The Women opens today. Richard Gere plays a gynecologist. Here's one movie you don't want to get two thumbs up. I hear the movie has some terrific female parts in it."

"Today is Friday the 13th. I saw a black cat driving a Ford Explorer with Firestone tires."

"Scientists are crossing cattle with Firestone tires to get beef that will shred itself."

"In a poll 58% of high school students admitted they'd cheated on tests, and 78% had cheated on the teachers they were sleeping with."

Monday Night Headlines:
Ad: "Baby pigs — raise 'em or barbecue 'em."
Headline: "Turnout Soft for Erectile Seminar."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Gaza Suite: Barak and Arafat vie for Nobel War Prize."

"Uncle Saddam: A new documentary shows the fun side of Saddam Hussein, [photo of Hussein in a swimming pool] which is definitely not the front." Then they ran of clip of Hussein saying, "Where the male bathes once a day, the female should bathe twice a day, because the female is more delicate, and her smell is more noticeable." Jon: "That's the mind of the most dangerous man in the Middle East. And who'd think the most dangerous man in the Middle East would have such beautiful nipples?"

"In the Presidential debate George W. Bush felt relaxed enough to mention his turn-ons: 'You know what's going to happen to them? They're going to be put to death.' Then Bush mentioned his real plan for children: 'You know what's going to happen to them? They're going to be put to death.'"

"All this Middle East fighting between Muslims and Jews is just going to ruin Christmas."

"Met Accompli: The Mets won the National League pennant. A subway series will restore New York City's reputation as a dangerous, hate-filled cesspool."

"The Costumer's Always Wrong: Get ready for a bubbling cauldron of tears. Your kid can't dress as Harry Potter this Halloween, because the company making the costumes hadn't secured the rights. Actually, they were just thousands of Find Waldo costumes they had left over."

Correspondent Steve Carell:
On the debates: "Gore won, but Bush ... won."
On Campbell's soup for teenage girls: "It's easier to vomit than solid food."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"The good news is that that was the final Presidential debate. The bad news is that the choice is still just Gore or Bush. Gore compared himself to Goldilocks. He says in the first debate he was too hot; in the second, too cold; and in the third, he got it just right. Bush said, 'At last, a literary reference I recognize."

"In the second Presidential debate George W. was fighting a cold. He hasn't sniffed that hard since college."

"A new study shows that having regular vigorous sex can make you look years younger. In a related story, President Clinton turned 90 today."

"While Al Gore was speaking today, a 10-year-old boy fainted. So whenever Gore speaks over five minutes, the audience has to wear seat belts."

"Russia now has newscasters who appear on tv naked. The weatherwoman doesn't have to say anything to tell the audience a cold front is coming."

"Microsoft stock just hit a two-year low. Bill Gates is so scared he's changing his toilet paper from $50's to $20's."

"For the subway series the Mets have a mascot, Mr. Met, but the Yankees don't. So they're bringing out Mr. What You Lookin' At."

"New York Mayor Giuliani says he'd like to throw all porno shops into the ocean. Bill Clinton was spotted today buying scuba gear."

"Tori Spelling is now offering personal advice on the internet for a dollar a minute. But the answer is always, 'Have your daddy pay him off.'"

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Chevron has bought Texaco. They're planning on creating the world's filthiest restroom."

"There are rumors that Anne Heche is pregnant. If you're buying the baby a gift, one thing it'll need is therapy."

"They're having terrible floods in England. The British haven't seen so much brown murky water since 1957 when someone brushed his teeth."

"No matter who wins the subway series, New York will still smell like an old sock soaked in cat pee."

"The new Miss America was crowned and given a $50,000 scholarship, which she immediately lost in the casino."

"Queen Elizabeth visited the Pope in Rome. She was the old person in a black dress. He was the old person in a white dress."

"The Animal Olympics are being held in Shanghai. Is that a bear on a bicycle or Ed Asner? Here's a clip of the poodle races — or, as the Chinese call them, meals on wheels."

"George Michael paid $2,100,000 for the piano on which John Lennon wrote 'Imagine. In a related story, Ringo Starr just sold one of his kidneys for a hot meal and a bed for the night. George Michael said he was happy to get a chance to tickle someone else's ivories for a change."

"Disney is already filming a sequel to Meet the Parents. It stars Marlon Brando and is called Eat the Parents."

"Marie Osmond turned 41 today. A hundred of her kids jumped out and yelled, 'Surprise!'"

"San Francisco has created an ice cream flavor for gay men. It's Ben on Jerry."

"A 90-year-old woman in Oregon has won all the state's baking prizes. Martha Stewart sent her a telegram today saying, 'You're going down, bitch.'"

"Anna Nicole Smith was hospitalized after dropping a barbell on her arm. She's meant to drop it on her 98-year-old boyfriend's neck."

Guest Jerry Springer:
"As long as Howard Stern's on the air, the rest of us won't go to jail."

"Last week we had a show with more guests than teeth."
"Next week we're having a show 'Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back in Your Daughter.'"


Guest Fred Willard:
"My manager manages me and an apartment building on Sepulveda."
On his new movie Best in Show, about dog shows: "The judges feel the dogs to be sure they have two testicles — which is the same way I auditioned."


Week ending October 27, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"For the last six years our next guest has been the Governor of the largest state in the Union — if you don't count Alaska, and, these days, who does?" Dave asked who he liked in the World Series, and George W. Bush said, "I like that New York team."
Dave: "Did you ever feel the need to apologize to that N.Y. Times reporter you called an a**hole?"
Bush: "Not really."
Bush read the "Top 10 Changes I'll Make in the White House." Number 2: "I'll give the Oval Office one heck of a scrubbing."

"It's the Mets vs. the Yankees. The last subway series was 44 years ago — which, incidentally, was the last time the subways were clean. Mayor Giuliani has hired a thousand more guys to rub up against you on the subway. The only team still together from 1956 is 60 Minutes. Hillary is rooting for the D train. The hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, during the series are referring to themselves as relievers."

"In the first debate Al Gore was too aggressive. In the second he was too passive. In the third one, they got the medication just right. But afterwards they had to shoot a tranquilizer dart into his ass and haul him off. George Bush is on the show tonight. He should feel right at home around someone with a heart problem. In the third debate when Al Gore got too close, George Bush thought he was going to kiss him."

"When I get fired I'm going to do commercials. For enough money I can pretend to like anything — just ask my ex-wife."

Dave is/was in reruns the week of October 23 - 27.

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Are you going to watch the Mike Tyson fight on pay-per-blink?"

"Mike Tyson's opponent quit because he was 'dazed and confused.' So's George W. Bush, but he stays in there. The meat in the first Rocky movie put up more of a fight. Even Don King called it a ripoff: 'He wasn't supposed to quit until the fourth round!' And he just walked out of the ring. I mean, when boxers are too lazy to even take a dive ..."

"Those topless women protesting clear-cutting of the forests have come up with an effective approach: 'Save the trees. Take a look at these.'"

"Anna Nicole Smith dropped a barbell on her arm. It's awful being attacked by your own kind. She doesn't know how it happened. Her 95-year-old boyfriend was spotting for her. She won't be able to dig gold for at least six weeks. But she loves the hospital — a bunch of old guys on their deathbeds. To her it's like a singles bar. She's trying to get her strength up so she can hold the pillow over the face of her next husband."

"Rolling Stone had to airbrush a photo of Al Gore on the cover because it looked like he was aroused. Gore said he was, but he was thinking of the American people at the time. Actually, he'd just met with five Chinese campaign contributors. So it looks like Gore has been stretching more than just the truth lately. And he's been named spokesperson for Banana Republic."

[I myself wonder if Gore wasn't just excited to be on the cover of the Rolling Stone.]

"Anne Heche has joined the cast of Ally McBeal. She'll play everybody's love interest."

"A Delta flight made an emergency landing today because a passenger started bleeding from his eyes. Turned out he was just looking at the Paula Jones Penthouse spread. She looks like Yassar Arafat with breasts. There's a warning on the cover: 'May cause nausea, vomiting and loose stools.' But they've written a song about her photo shoot." [Jay played "Who Let the Dogs Out?"]

"Yesterday Kathie Lee Gifford's new cd came out, so Yoko Ono moves up a notch."

"Joe Lieberman has left his name on the ballot as Senator in Connecticut. That must make Al Gore feel good. Three weeks before the election, and your running mate is still undecided."

"Yanni has come out with a new cd. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the elevator!"

"George Michael paid $2,100,000 for the piano on which John Lennon wrote 'Imagine'. That's funny. I thought he was an organ man. And he has to pay another $2,000,000 to tune it, because John Lennon had it tuned to Yoko's voice."

"Today is the anniversary of the invention of the light bulb. President Clinton celebrated with a 3-way."

"In Dr T & the Women Richard Gere is a gynecologist. It's the kind of movie that makes women want to put their feet up and relax."

"Jennifer Lopez has started the big-butt look. But take my advice, guys. Don't show the article to your wife and say, 'Look, Honey, you're a trend setter.'"

"The Quaker Oats Guy is visiting North Korea. Here's a clip." [They showed Secretary of State Madeleine Albright in a peculiar hat. Then she danced with the little Korean girls who were welcoming her, but Jay changed the music to 'Who Let the Dogs Out.]

"The FDA has warned of the dangers from microwaving prostates. The biggest danger is from punching little holes in it with a fork."

"The Bushes are now saying they're cousins of the British Royal Family. Queen Elizabeth says the claim is 'unbelievabubble.' Meanwhile, Dan Quayle is upset about George W. Bush's success. 'Hey, I'm as dumb as he is!'"

"Olympic gold-winning wrestler Rudan Gardner has turned down $1,00,000 to wrestle for the WWF. He has a condition that prevents it — self-respect."

"One of the members of Rage Against the Machine has quit. He's toning it down in a new group Annoyance at the Appliances."

"A guy raised a pumpkin that weighs eight hundred pounds. What can you carve out of that? Ted Kennedy's head?"

"If the Presidential debates are like job interviews, I want to see more candidates. The race is a real cliffhanger. One guy you want to throw off a cliff, and the other one you want to hang. Bush's plan on education is that every sixth grader will read at a third grade level by the time they're in the ninth grade."

"President Clinton was just interviewed in the gay magazine The Advocate. Having sex with Paula Jones is as close as a straight guy can come to being gay."

"The New York governor just signed a bill legalizing consensual sodomy. Consensual Sodomy — wasn't that Bill Clinton's Secret Service code name? I guess now you can enter the Lincoln Tunnel from either end. The lawmakers had to bend over backwards to pass this one. And Governor Pataki had to get behind it and push it through."

"Whitey Ford just had a birthday. There's a nickname you don't see too often these days."

"PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) are protesting the testing of cosmetics on Al Gore."

"Victoria's Secret has made a $15,000,000 diamond and ruby bra. I saw it at Marshall's for $7,000,000. They think the cleavage will attract the Democrats, and the diamonds and rubies will attract the Republicans. A woman can use a $4 bra and a couple of ice cubes and have the same effect on a man."

"The Kinsey people say gay men have bigger sex organs than straight men. I'm going to take their word on that."

"Bride Magazine had an article to tell brides how they can surprise their new husbands on their wedding night. That's easy — bring a friend."

"Scientists say sniffing perfume can improve your memory. Do you believe that? Those models in Calvin Klein's Obsession ads can't even remember what sex they are."

"Gore says his momentum is increasing — which is what happens when you're going downhill."

"The head of Immigration and Naturalization is resigning and moving to Mexico."

"Ted Kennedy refused to debate his opponent. Sounds like he's getting the big head."

"Bill Clinton signed a tough new drunk driving bill. George W. Bush says it's a cheap ploy to keep him off the campaign trail."

"George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned."

"Iraq has opened an amusement park called Saddam City. Of course, their Tomorrowland is the 14th century."

Monday Night Headlines:
Ad for a college: "We attract students from more than 50 states."
Ad: "Ocean Front Property in Oklahoma."
Headline: "Brentwood Bans Passing Gas in City Parks."
Ad: "Irritable Bowel Syndrome Symposium: Bring a Brown Bag Lunch."
Headline: "Clinton Unleashes Gusher."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"To Boldly Gay: Geeks, losers, simps, propeller heads — it's Sci-fi Gaylaxicon 2000 for gay sci-fi fans." Correspondent Steve Carell to participant: "Is it hard to tell people you're a science fiction fan?" Steve showed a fan coming out of the closet of the future.

Correspondent Vance DeGeneres: "Crisis in the Northeast: Long-simmering tribal rivalry has boiled over. The area around Yankee Stadium is full of 'bleacher bums,' who imbibe warm liquids until they wake up, to their surprise, the next morning on the subway. Around Shea Stadium the natives worship Mr. Met. Now the two groups are at war. No one ever wins in these situations. Yankees are ahead 2 - 0."

"The War Between the Boroughs: In the subway series, tickets cost up to $5,000, if you want nearby fans to pour beer on you and call your girlfriend a whore. This is New York."

"On his Rolling Stone cover Al Gore had to be airbrushed to remove an allegedly large bulge in the area of his allegedly huge penis."

"If eight years ago you'd told Al Gore that having an enormously successful 2-term President stumping for you would be a liability, he'd probably have sighed audibly and rolled his eyes in an exaggerated manner [clip of Al doing that during recent debate]." Jon [in front of photo of Gore and Clinton: "'I did not have relations with that President, Mr. Clinton.'"

"The Grass Menagerie: The Chinese are holding an Animal Olympics. The loser in the ostrich race was turned into a drag queen's hat."

Correspondent Steve Carell went to a sports bar to watch the World Series with the fans. He never realized it was actually a gay bar. The bar patrons kept asking him, 'Top or bottom?' but the tv wasn't on, so he never even knew what inning it was. Steve ended up dancing in his suit atop the bar, yelling, "Go, Yankees! Go, Mets!" 

Correspondent Vance DeGeneres: "Finger Lickin' Dead: A happy family, a violent death, a rush to cash in. Ruby the chicken was killed, so the owners took out a $1,000,000 insurance policy on Violet, their remaining hen. Violet was run over by a truck. The insurance company refused to pay, even though, on the application, Violet's occupation had been listed as 'chicken.' This all leaves us with the question: Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"Monkey See, Monkey Doob: Scientists have shown monkeys can become addicted to marijuana. Another group that can become addicted? Scientists. Of course, the monkeys all had glaucoma."

"Excess Hollywood: Stars from Michael Douglas to Geri Halliwell of the Spice Girls went to the United Nations to fight poverty and war. By evening's end Mia Farrow had adopted the entire General Assembly."

"Ralph Nader's Green Party didn't even exist until it rained on the Blue and Yellow Parties."

When Posh Spice asked Jon why he didn't wear a wedding ring, he said, "I do. Just not on my finger."

"Prints of Darkness: In a roundup of current magazines:
Paula Jones is appearing nude in the December Penthouse. She says, 'I'm just doing it for the money. Hopefully, this will secure my children's future.' Oh, it will. People will say to them, 'I saw your mom in Penthouse. She's a whore.'
The Olsen Twins have started Mary-Kay & Ashley Magazine, which shows what happened when Kathie Lee Gifford was split into two equally annoying parts. And just wait, Penthouse.
Finally, this is Soldier of Fortune's 25th anniversary. That's the magazine read by people while they're crouching behind rocks, shooting paint balls at each other."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Everybody's excited about the subway series. Mayor Giuliani has picked the Yankees in seven, and George W. Bush has picked the Mets in eight. Giuliani is also holding a joint Yankees-Mets pep rally. The death toll will be released tomorrow."

"Al Gore's photo on the cover of Rolling Stone had to be airbrushed, because it looked like he was aroused. Just part of his promise to work hard for the American people. On Live With Regis Gore showed Regis how to hypnotize a chicken. Bush showed him how to electrocute a chicken. Clinton is now campaigning for Gore, but Gore says, 'I'm putting his penis in a locked box.'"

"One of the astronauts just spent eight hours fixing the toilet, and even though he was wearing a spacesuit, you could still see his butt crack."

"Some women are holding a topless vigil against clear-cut logging. President Clinton immediately found even more wood."

Guest Dana Carvey: "A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'"

Conan is/was in reruns October 23 - 27.

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Eye of Newt Gingrich: a Texas town has banned the Harry Potter books because they glorify magic and learning to read."

"A Colorado girl's mom has been arrested for letting her daughter's friends drink beer, smoke pot and have sex all over the house. In other words, she's charged with being the coolest mom ever."

"There are rumors that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are already expecting a baby. I don't know about the sex, but I'll bet it's fantastic."

"Amtrak has unveiled a new train that will travel at 150 m.p.h. from New York City to a ditch upstate."

"Survivor has released a board game. The fat naked guy is sold separately. And for $30 the cast of Big Brother will come over and clean your house."

"Shaq has started a new Dunk line of clothing, now that his Free Throw line has tanked."

"Mike Tyson says he's going to retire from boxing and go back to his first love — beating up people for free."

 

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.



What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?B illions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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