10. Jimmy Fallon: "The X Factor," premiered this week. It's good to see old Tipsy and Nipsy together again.

9. Jay Leno: A 58-year-old man has written a book about his 9-month emotional and sexual relationship with a dolphin back in 1971. It's called "The Porpoise Driven Life."

8. David Letterman: Top 10 signs you're watching too much TV:
10. Your name is Howie, but you go by Howie Five-O.
9. You lie awake at night worrying about Mike & Molly's cholesterol.
6. Your 52-inch high-definition ass.
2. Had your Charlie Sheen tattoo removed and replaced with an Ashton Kutcher tattoo.
1. You can actually tell the difference between "American Idol" and "The X Factor."

7. Craig Ferguson: You know I like a warm hand on my entrance, but this audience seems a little too enthusiastic. When you clap too much it makes me feel I have to be good. I understand you want quality entertainment, but we don't offer that here. Our show is organic. It doesn't taste very good, but no chickens were harmed when it was being laid.

6. David Letterman: They had another of those Republican debates. The field seems a little anemic. President Obama was watching with his wife, and halfway through he said, "Honey, you can stop packing."

5. Jay Leno: The world's largest sperm bank is turning down red-headed donors because people don't want red-headed children. The men are very disappointed. They've been downgraded from professional donors to just hobbyists.

4. Jimmy Fallon: A woman in Utah gave birth to a baby boy on the side of the highway. On the way out he kept complaining about traffic in the tunnel. It would have been a longer birth, but luckily the baby had E-ZPass.

3. Jimmy Fallon: Universal is coming out with an update to the 1983 film "Scarface," with the lines: "Say hello to my little Facebook friend." "Poke me? Poke you!"

2. David Letterman: That 6-ton satellite should come down Saturday. Well, Sunday if there's construction on the FDR. It's plummeting back to Earth faster than Michele O'Bachmann's campaign.

1. Jay Leno: Semen was used during WWI as invisible ink. How did they find this out? "Bob, I don't have a pen. Could you ...?" The problem was, after you wrote your first note you'd have to wait like an hour to write the next one. And the guy's asleep before he finishes the letter.


Denton is a famous American author and expatriate in turn-of-the-century London with a reputation for involving himself in murder cases.

Page 84 - "Well, I'd written 'To hear something to your advantage' on the card I left for him, and my address --"
"You never left ME your address."
"Perhaps I had nothing of advantage for you."

Thursday, September 22

10. Craig Ferguson: Gay robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson: I'm sorry. I'm in a mood tonight. I'm PMSing. That's Post Mortem Syndrome.

9. Jon Stewart: West Bank Story: There's been a little property line dispute in an area that everybody but Palestine calls Israel, and everybody but Israel calls Palestine. For the past 6,000 years the two parties have been seeking to settle it the old fashioned way, with bloodshed. Now Palestine wants a seat at the U.N., which conveys the right to park, steal and kill with impunity.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: "The X Factor" didn't do as well as Fox had expected. But if you like "American Idol," but want a different title, this is the show for you.

7. Conan O'Brien: In Missouri a Taco Bell employee forgot to give a customer his hot sauce, so the customer threatened him with a shotgun. The employee said, "That's nothing. Once I had a customer point his ass at me!"

6. Conan O'Brien: At the U.N. today Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech and a lot of delegates walked out, just before he really tore into Netflix.

5. Jay Leno: Another Republican debate tonight was sponsored by Google, which was tricky for Rick Perry, because he's a Yahoo.

4. Jay Leno: The economy is so bad Journey's guitarist can't even afford a real prostitute. And Paris Hilton was forced to stay at a Hilton.

3. Craig Ferguson: A zoo in China was presented with an animal no one can identify. Some think it's a monkey. Some think it's a lemur. I think it would be fantastic on a biscuit with gravy. Here's a picture. Clearly it's some kind of Olsen twin.

2. Jimmy Fallon: Facebook hosted its annual conference F8. Not to be confused with the feedback it got back: FU.

1. Craig Ferguson: The animal rights group PETA is launching a porn web site to promote their cause. This is a terrible idea. It's only going to lead to monkey spanking, chicken choking, goose strangling, gopher whacking ...

The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994

Page 125 - [NBC execs Littlefield and Agoglia called NBC President Bob Wright and told him they were ready to fire Jay Leno's manager, Helen Kushnik.] They still didn't know whether Jay would break with Helen, or back her and quit in sympathy; but they felt there was a good chance that Jay was clued in enough now to what had been going on that he wouldn't do something that self-destructive.
Helen never flinched from taking that approach. She took her case public on Friday morning, September 18, in a phone interview with Howard Stern on his national radio talk show. Helen contradicted Kragen's story and blamed the male conspiracy in Hollywood for undermining her efforts to run the "Tonight" show. The interview only outraged NBC further. Later in the day, Helen had her lawyer, Ron Berg, sent out a letter to Wright, with copies to every member of the General Electric board of directors, threatening to sue the network on the basis of sexual discrimination. NBC decided it couldn't wait any longer. Helen had to go.

.

10. Jay Leno: In Minnesota a woman going to jail for 15 years asked to be put in the same prison as her mother, serving a 25-year prison sentence. And if her request is denied, she would at least like to visit her grandmother on death row.

9. Jimmy Fallon Late Night Hashtags: Finding out my date's dad was my gynecologist. #awkwarddate Jimmy Fallon: "My dad said great things about you."

8. Craig Ferguson: The American hikers who were being held in Iran for 2 years were released today, and the first thing they said to reporters was, "What's Ashton Kutcher doing on "2 1/2 Men?"

7. David Letterman: The meeting of the U.N. General Assembly is going well this year. So far we haven't heard one of them yell, "It was consensual!"

6. Conan O'Brien: Scientists have discovered a squid which has no discernible sexuality. Not much is known about the squid, except it's pulling for Chaz Bono to win "Dancing with the Stars."

5. Conan O'Brien: Facebook has been redesigned. It now contains a real time news ticker, which always says, "You're screwing around at work."

4. Jimmy Fallon: Steven Spielberg is making a biopic of Abraham Lincoln. That's a good way to honor Lincoln, by sending people to a theater.

3. Conan O'Brien: The world's largest sperm bank is no longer accepting donations from men with red hair. The upside is, now I have my weekends back.

2. Jay Leno: During the 1st World War, the British used semen as invisible ink. Which raises the question, what are you writing with? "Can I borrow your pen? Never mind." You think you have to shake your PEN to get it to work ...

1. David Letterman: Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

Oscar Wilde and a Death of No Importance by Gyles Brandreth, Simon & Schuster, 2007

Oscar Wilde and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle solve the murder of a young Adonis.

Page 294 - "John Gray and Aidan Fraser were not riding to hounds. They were not playing cricket. They were engaged in unnatural vice. They were naked. They were aroused."
"Really? I did not notice." Nonchalantly, Oscar flicked a thread from the sleeve of his coat.

.

10. Jimmy Fallon: There's a new 24-hour hot line for illegal immigrants who have questions about deportation. The number's really easy to remember. It's 1-800-TRAP.

9. Craig Ferguson: The most famous speech at the U.N. was Nikita Kruschev, who banged his shoe on the desk. I don't mean he had sex with the shoe. That would have been Clinton. "I really like an open-toed espadrille."

8. Conan O'Brien: Ashton Kutcher made his debut on "Two and a Half Men" playing a billionaire with a huge penis. In fact, it's so big it's now considered the half man.

7. David Letterman: World leaders are here for the U.N. General Assembly. Today Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad went up to Central Park and arrested hikers. The Italian Prime Minister is also here. So good luck getting a hooker.

6. Jay Leno: Don't Ask Don't Tell is now over. Gay people can enlist, fight overseas, and then not be able to get married when they get back home.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: Some of the contestants on "Dancing with the Stars" ... Well, I've seen better dancing at the Republican National Convention. Nancy Grace showed how ironic a last name can be.

4. Jimmy Fallon: Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, 81, is dating a woman 30 years younger. But, again, Neil Armstrong got there first.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: Two new books about Sarah Palin came out today. All at once I'm feeling OK about Borders going out of business.

2. Jay Leno: A woman in Minnesota sentenced to 15 years has asked to be put in the same prison where her mother is serving 20 years. That's how bad the economy is. Even convicts are having to move back in with their parents.

1. Jimmy Fallon: A sperm bank in Denmark is turning away men with red hair because of low demand. You know you're in trouble when even a plastic cup is out of your league.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 78 - Parenthood: For most of man's existence, religious imperatives, agrarian workloads and a total lack of reproductive knowledge led many couples to have very large families. However, advances in contraception and industrialized food production allowed modern couples to have fewer offspring, while leaving the total WEIGHT of families constant.

What it took to raise a child: Australia: A dingo-proof fence. America: A television.

Once they became mothers, heretofore respectable women thought nothing of having their breasts sucked in public.

Frugal parents could buy food in family-sized boxes that, once emptied, provided housing for themselves and their children.

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12. Charlie Sheen: I personally asked William Shatner to be here because I needed the clean urine. I had to wring it out of the diaper, but it did the job.

11. Charlie Sheen: I'm still Charlie Sheen, and in my chest is an eternal fire. I just have to remember to keep it away from the crack pipe.

10. William Shatner: Charlie, let me give you my biggest piece of advice. Don't forget to book your next rehab stay through Priceline.com.

9. Anthony Jeselnik: Charlie, you've convinced more women to have abortions than the prenatal test for Down's syndrome.

8. Jeff Ross: Charlie, don't you want to live to see your kids' first 12 steps?

7. Amy Schumer: After all those years of abusing your lungs, your liver, your kidneys, the only thing you've had removed is your kids.

6. Seth MacFarlane: Seth: Mike Tyson has beaten every opponent he's ever gone up against, except the letter "S."

5. Seth MacFarlane: He's the reason a penis with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis.

4. Seth MacFarlane: For Charlie Sheen's obituary I just used Amy Winehouse's. I only had to change 3 things: the sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and "a talent that will be missed."

3. Jeff Ross: Charlie's nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them the Hilton sisters.

2. Charlie Sheen: Over the years I've hung out with some shady characters: drug dealers, losers, desperate whores. But to have you all here on one night is really special.

1. Amy Schumer: You're just like Bruce Willis. You were big in the '80s and now your old slot's being filled with Ashton Kutcher.
10. Jimmy Kimmel: Because they have Chaz Bono on, "Dancing with the Stars" is being accused of having a gay agenda. It's a ballroom dancing competition. Of course they have a gay agenda. They put football players in sparkly costumes. Besides, Chaz Bono is a gay woman who gave it up to become a straight man.

9. Craig Ferguson:  "The Playboy Club" is a racy show. The actresses had to sign a nudity clause. "Nudity Claus" is the name of a Christmas porno film I made. I play Santa. I enter through the chimney. I've got my big sack.

8. Jay Leno: The world's largest sperm bank is turning away redheaded men, because parents don't want redheaded babies. That shows you how much damage one Vegas prop comic can do.

7. Craig Ferguson: I'm interviewed in the December issue of "Playboy Magazine." I didn't realize it was an interview, though, so I showed up nude. But I do that for most interviews. It got me banned from "The View."

6. Jimmy Kimmel: I always pick the "Dancing with the Stars" winner before I've seen any of them dance, and I've been right 5 out of 8 times, which is why they call me Nostradancemus. [This time he picked David Arquette.]

5. Craig Ferguson: If I were in charge of a time capsule what would I put in it? Justin Bieber.

4. Conan O'Brien: A new site is offering sex toys to religiously observant Jews. Most popular item is a vibrator called Diddler on the Roof.

3. Craig Ferguson: Tonight was "2 1/2 Men" and "Dancing with the Stars." I always get Ashton Kutcher and Chaz Bono confused. One of them's married to Cher, right?

2. David Letterman: Regis Philbin, who's been fired and will soon be off the air, threw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium. He has a great arm. Couple of years age he threw out Kathie Lee.

1. Conan O'Brien: The world's largest sperm bank is no longer accepting donations from men with red hair because of low demand. As a result, this week my neighborhood Salvation Army is going to get a very interesting donation. But what are people seeing night after night that's making redheads so unpopular?

Sunday, September 18 Emmys

3. Presenter Jon Cryer: I was in "Pretty in Pink."
Ashton Kutcher: And I'm not Charlie Sheen. And I want to tell you, Jon, I don't think you're a troll. [Charlie Sheen had called him that in one of his rants.]
Jon [hugging Ashton]: Oh, thank you!

2. Host Jane Lynch: There's Betty White. She's the reason we're here at 5:00.

1. Host Jane Lynch: Many people ask me why I'm lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of "Entourage."

In Memorium: The singing of "Hallelujah" is spectacular.

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Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011

Page 233- Finally, in the club, I was approached by two girls who wanted me to join them back at their place. This being most 24-year-old guys' dream scenario, I suggested we reconvene at my suite. Having just received the third degree from the doorman, it never occurred to me that there could be anyone in the club who wasn't of age.

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10. Jay Leno: Last night Rick Perry had dinner with Donald Trump. The guy who talks to God ate with the guy who thinks he IS God.

9. Jimmy Fallon: Nurses in Great Britain are being banned from wearing Crocs, because sharp objects could fall through the holes. As opposed to the other big risk, people seeing you in Crocs.

8. Jimmy Fallon Thank You Notes: Thank you, well-behaved wolves. What were you? Raised by humans?

7. Craig Ferguson: In Germany, today is the first day of Oktoberfest.  Nothing says problem drinking like starting Oktoberfest in the middle of September.

6. Craig Ferguson: In Munich they only serve beer brewed inside the city. That's German, isn't it? Having a purity test for beer.

5. Craig Ferguson: Oktoberfest beer has twice the alcohol content of ours. Germans are fascinated by anything with a high alcohol conternt. That's why they like David Hasselhoff.

4. Jimmy Fallon: Scientists in Japan have entered a robot in an Iron Man contest. Big deal, the other night I watched 8 robots compete for President.

3. Jay Leno: A new book says Sarah Palin had a one-night stand with future NBA star Glen Rice when he was playing for Michigan. So not only can she skin a moose, she can also bone a Wolverine. Glen's not denying it. Today he came out with a book "Rice-a-Roni, the Sarah Palin Treat."

2. Jay Leno: The economy's so bad, today Ron Paul said, "Let it die!"

1. Jay Leno: The waiting list for cremations in Japan is so long that dead bodies have to be booked into hotels at $154 a night until they can be cremated. How busy are THOSE ice machines?


Denton is a famous American author and expatriate in turn-of-the-century London with a reputation for involving himself in murder cases.

Page 30 - He decided to take his ghosts to some place that served alcohol.

79 - "He didn't give you a name."
"Oh, he did, like he expected me to shine it up and put it on the mantel for a keepsake. 'Alf'. If he'd had more front teeth and a clean shirt he'd have been about half the man I'd care to spend five minutes with."

80 - "She'd be better off back at the farm."
"Oh, aye, except for the starvation."

10. Jay Leno guest Charlie Sheen: I realized I was LOSING the day I lost my job. Sort of like you did, but you got yours back.

9. Jon Stewart: It's Not Easy Being Green: That custom-tailored Obama scandal you ordered is finally here. Solyndra, which received $535 million in federal loan guarantees. has gone bankrupt. If in 1936 you talked about the future of air travel in front of the Hindenburg ... Fox News, call your doctor, because the erection you now have is going to last much longer than 4 hours.

8. Jay Leno: A bear got in a Prius, knocked it into neutral and rolled down a hill. Witnesses said the bear had that same smug look all Prius drivers have.

7. Jay Leno: A new book says Sarah Palin had a one-night stand with football star Glen Rice. Worse yet, Rice says she quit before the second half. And it's getting catty. She's now calling him Minute Rice.

6. Conan O'Brien: Another Sarah Palin documentary is coming out from the man who did "Biggie and Tupac." The Palin documentary is similar, but with more guns.

5. Jimmy Fallon: Michele Bachmann and Cindy McCain had dinner together in a restaurant in Arizona. First they sent their entree back to the kitchen. Then they sent the kitchen staff back to Guadalajara.

4. Conan O'Brien: Children as young as 3 can exhibit signs that they're gay. For instance, you baby is definitely gay if his first word is "Gaga."

3. Jay Leno: Right now President Obama is more popular overseas than he is here. But then he's created more jobs over there.

2. Craig Ferguson: The man behind the first edition of the "Guinness Book of World Records" in 1950 was Sir Hugh Beaver. Here's a picture of him. He's clean shaven. I thought back in the '50s Beavers were hairier.

1. Craig Ferguson The new "Guinness Book of World Records" is out. Some hold two records. The man with the longest fingernails also holds the record for most cautious masturbator.

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 240 - "I told you I always wanted to be a witch," said Letitia. "You don't know how hard that can be when your family lives in a great big mansion and is so old that the coat of arms has even got a few legs on it as well. All that gets in the way, and if you excuse me, I really wish that I had been born with your disadvantages.

,

10. Craig Ferguson: I did those kicks sideways, because if I did them straight-on you might have seen something you can't afford. And if you can afford it, call me.

9. Jimmy Fallon: People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: An old friend said Sarah has a fetish for black guys. Tell that to President Obama, because that doesn't seem to be the case at all. And do black guys have a fetish for Sarah Palin? We went out on Hollywood Boulevard to find out. [All the guys said they'd sleep with her. "I didn't say I'd vote for her. I said I'd do her." The only guy who said no asked, "He's a dude, ain't he?"]

7. Jimmy Kimmel: According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He'd shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else.

6. Jay Leno: Next week a play about the fight to overturn California's gay marriage ban opens on Broadway. And here's the shocker. It's not a musical.

5. Jay Leno: In Glendale 7 coyotes have taken over a house, and no one can figure out how to get them out. What you do is, you give them an adjustable-rate mortgage with a balloon payment ...

4. Jon Stewart: Yesterday Dick Cheney dropped in on the ladies on "The View," where he displayed his heart pump. Oh no, his frailty is sapping my will to make fun of his vile service record. [Clip of Alec Guinness in "Star Wars" saying, "He's more machine than human."]

3. Conan O'Brien: A law signed by Arnold Shwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man's a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven't been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor.

2. Craig Ferguson: Scarlett Johansson's phone was hacked, and nude photos of her were leaked onto the internet today. I'd now like to bid goodnight to any 18-to-34-year-old males who hadn't heard about this.

1. Jimmy Kimmel: A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner's Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down. 

The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994

Page 124 - [Ken Kragen, a manager of country music stars, got screwed by Leno's vicious manager Helen Kushnik in her usual manner.] And so Ken Kragen went public. He told a reporter from the "Los Angeles Times" his story of how his artists were being blackballed from the "Tonight" show. The paper had been hearing all sorts of horror stories about the booking wars in late night and had wanted to do a story about it. The reporter asked Kragen if he would go on the record. Kragen saw no reason not to.
The story, which ran on the front page of the newspaper's "Calendar" section, exploded all across the television industry the next morning. Kragen was the first artists' representative willing to go after Helen Kushnick, and it set off a frenzy of stories about her scorched-earth booking practices.

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10. Jon Stewart: Indecision 1776, Ye Cobblestone Road to the White House: The Republican debate set looked like the inside of Betsy Ross's vagina. Or so I've been told. Anyway, I believe there was a point to this Amerigasm, and that was for seven candidates to give a beatdown to Rick Perry.


9. Craig Ferguson: A man in Florida was arrested for exposing himself through his car's sunroof. And he was sitting down at the time. I salute you, sir. Perhaps not as much as you salute other people.

8. Jay Leno: A third of U.S. babies are obese by 9 months. You buy a stroller now, it beeps when it backs up.

7. Craig Ferguson: Anderson Cooper is on CNN, "60 Minutes" and now daytime TV. He's like a male Ryan Seacrest. Anderson's a serious journalist. He's been to places torn apart by strife, like Bosnia and "The View."

6. Craig Ferguson: People are saying Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

5. Craig Ferguson: Anderson Cooper was on the Johnny Carson "Tonight Show" when he was 3 years old. And then he was bumped by a 2-year-old Jay Leno. That was back when Jay Leno was nothing but diapers and a chin. Just like now.

4. Conan O'Brien: Justin Bieber revealed he wears womens jeans. When asked why, he said, "What else would you wear over womens underwear?"

3. Jimmy Fallon: There's a new kosher version of Facebook. Instead of a "like" button there's one that says, "Eh, could be worse. At least you have your health." And you can still poke people. You just have to do it through a hole in a sheet.

2. Stephen Colbert: Off the Veep End: My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else.

1. Conan O'Brien: At the debate some Tea Partiers cheered at the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In all fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from "Toddlers & Tiaras."

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 421 - Every Sunday young Rockefeller explains the Bible to his Sunday school class. The next day the newspapers and the Associated Press distribute his explanations all over the continent and everybody laughs. The entire nation laughs, yet in its innocent dullness never suspects that it is laughing at itself. But that is what it is doing.

... If he were traveling upon his mental merit instead of his father's money, his explanations of the Bible would fall silent and not be heard by the public. But his father ranks as the richest man in the world ... The world believes that the elder Rockefeller is worth a billion dollars. He pays taxes on two million and a half.

.

10. Jimmy Fallon: His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point ...

9. Conan O'Brien: In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you.

8. Jay Leno: An employee at the Philadelphia Mint stole over two million dollars in coins. Or as he calls it, change he can believe in.

7. Conan O'Brien: In Michigan a man in a President Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that of President Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do. The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.

5. Jay Leno: Peyton Manning sat out his first game in 14 years. And in tribute, the rest of the Colts sat the game out too.

4. Jimmy Kimmel: Tonight was the last night of "Kate + 8." From now on if you want to hear Kate Gosselin yell at her children you'll have to move within a 12-block radius of her house. 

3. Conan O'Brien: President Obama says, "I'm an eternal optimist. I see the country as half-employed."

2. Jimmy Fallon: Only 55% of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. It might not sound like much, but it's up 55% over our last President.

1. Stephen Colbert: There's a commemorative 9/11 Merlot, perfect for when you're drinking to never forget.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 77 - The Wedding: In many parts of the world engaged couples began their new life by spending a year arguing over a day. That day was the wedding.

Wedding invitations required guests to speculate as to whether, on a given night three months later, they would prefer chicken or fish.

A bride had to pick just the right dress; otherwise, everyone at the wedding would come up to her and say, "Yikes, you look awful today."

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10. Craig Ferguson: I'm excited about the new movie "Contagion" about this disease that has people's eyes rolling back in their head, choking and passing out. It's like a milder form of Bieber Fever. Lots of big-name stars. This movie has more diseased celebrities than a pool party at the Playboy Mansion. I've been to the Playboy Mansion. I saw that grotto. I thought it was a large tureen of soup.

9. Craig Ferguson: In the first ten minutes of "Contagion" Gwyneth Paltrow dies, but I think that's just a way to get people to go see it. The fictional virus in the movie is based on the bird flu, which came along and everybody thought it would change everything, but then it just sort of faded away. No, wait, that's President Obama.

8. Jay Leno: guest Bill Maher: Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson's slaves will be known as friends with benefits.

7. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, caps lock, for being the Gilbert Gottfried of the keyboard.

6. Jay Leno: Fidel Castro just went on TV, basically just to prove he's still alive. Same reason President Obama went on TV last night.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: Ricki Lake bruised her shin while practicing for "Dancing with the Stars." And Chaz fractured his Bono.

4. Jimmy Fallon: An Outback Steakhouse accidentally served peach schnapps and vodka to a 4-year-old girl. The girl knew something was wrong when she woke up next to a teddy bear she'd just met.

3. Jay Leno: South African scientists have discovered the remains of a 2-million-year-old half-man/half-ape. This is before Neanderthal. They found bones, a skull and an Oakland Raiders helmet.

2. Jay Leno: Ricki Lake injured her shin while practicing for "Dancing with the Stars." It was pretty serious. She was hobbling around the dance floor like Bristol Palin.

1. Jimmy Fallon: It's our 500th episode. We're halfway to a thousand, but still going at it every night, sort of like Hugh Hefner.

Oscar Wilde and a Death of No Importance by Gyles Brandreth, Simon & Schuster, 2007

Oscar Wilde and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle solve the murder of a young Adonis.

Page 277 - "Wagner's music is better than anybody's." Oscar persisted. "It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without people hearing what one says."

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10. Conan O'Brien: Last night at the Republican debate MSNBC put little factoids about the candidates on the screen as they were speaking. For instance, Michele Bachmann: Pet peeve: facts. Gives Jesus the creeps. Has never seen her husband naked. Governor Rick Perry: Dumber than Bush, no lie. Motto: "Don't mess with Texes" (sic). In H.S. voted "Most likely to execute 200+ people." Newt Gingrich: Even fatter in real life. Carpet matches the drapes. Favorite color: Donuts.

9. Jay Leno: People who smoke marijuana are less likely to become obese. And people who smoke a lot are less likely to become anything.

8. Conan O'Brien: Ben & Jerry's has introduced a new flavor called Schweddy Balls, based on a "Saturday Night Live" sketch. They're hoping it'll be a bigger seller than last year's Dick in a Box Crunch.

7. Jimmy Fallon: The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that's also called, not trapped.

6. Conan O'Brien: In San Jose three Starbucks baristas have been cited for working topless. Two were grande; one was venti.

5. Jay Leno: In San Jose police have shut down a topless coffee shop. If you wanted a bottomless cup of coffee you had to go to the VIP room in the back.

4. David Letterman: Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.

3. Jay Leno: Michele Bachmann said she could get us back to $2 gas. Please. The only place we'll ever see that again is at Taco Bell.

2. Jimmy Fallon: Neil Diamond just announced on Twitter he's getting married to his manager. It was a pretty standard proposal: kneel, diamond.

1. Jay Leno: A single sperm donor in Washington state is responsible for 150 babies. Kind of sad he had to retire after he blew out his elbow.
 

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 227 - "Well, I can see that a witch causes disruption wherever she walks," said the Duchess, "and so you will stay here, being treated with more decency than you deserve, until we say so."
"And what will you tell my father, Roland?" said Tiffany sweetly.
He looked as if he'd been punched, and probably he would be if Mr. Aching got wind of this. He'd need an awful lot of guards if Mr. Aching found out that his youngest daughter had been locked up with goats.
The Duchess couldn't help herself. "Your father is a tenant of the Baron and will do what he is told!"
Now Roland was trying not to squirm. When Mr. Aching had worked for the old Baron, they had, as men of the world, reached a sensible arrangement, which was that Mr. Aching would do whatever the Baron asked him to do. Provided the Baron asked him to do what Mr. Aching wanted to do and it needed to be done.

228 - The arrangement didn't need to be talked about, because every sensible person knew how it worked. While you're a good master, I will be a good worker. I will be loyal to you while you are loyal to me, and while the circle is unbroken, this is how things will continue to be.

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10. Jimmy Fallon: Hashtags: #whyimsingle: I don't think my Xbox would understand if I brought a girl home.

9. Craig Ferguson: The kids go back to school in L.A. today. They're back to the 3 Rs: Readin', Ritin' & Ritalin.

8. David Letterman: The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction.

7. Jimmy Kimmel: For many kids, today was the first day of school, and according to 98% of them it was "fine."

6. Stephen Colbert: Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another 5 years before we discover Saddam Hussein's WMDs.

5. Conan O'Brien: The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks.

4. David Letterman: Michele O'Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses 3 more points she goes on "Dancing with the Stars."

3. David Letterman: Homeland Security is saying you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel. I just hope they don't stop wanding my inner thighs.

2. Conan O'Brien: In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.

1. Jimmy Kimmel: Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can't do half of?

Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011

Page 228 - I see Gregory Peck, Robert Wagner, Cary Grant and Prince Rainier and approach the group.
"Excuse me. I just wanted to say good-bye and thank you for letting me be a part of a wonderful evening."
Rainier grunts and nods, the rest offer warm good-byes and I head out.
Then, when I am almost out of earshot I hear my future "Austin Powers" costar Robert Wagner say, "Ya know, guys, I think that kid's banged every one of our daughters."

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10. Craig Ferguson: Eddie Murphy is going to host the Academy Awards. The producer said it came down to Eddie Murphy and everyone not named James Franco.

9. Jimmy Fallon: A town in Arizona wants to have its own version of Spain's running of the bulls. Right. If there's one thing Arizona is missing it's thousands of Spanish-speaking people running for their lives.

8. David Letterman: The Kardashian sisters are on the show tonight. When they come out I plan to show them an X-ray of my ass.

7. Craig Ferguson: Mila Kunis was voted Sexiest Woman of the Summer in a Moviefone poll. "If you know the name of the woman you like to masturbate to, press 1. Press it again. Faster."

6. Jay Leno Headlines: [On a Safeway receipt] Your cashier today was Hung.
Correction: Our Friday story said band member Eric Stolson was on drugs. He was on drums. We regret the error.
Dispute over penis removal set for court. [Next to a photo of Gov. Rick Perry eating a corn dog.]
Grocery ad: Save on ass pickles.

5. Jay Leno: The NFL season kicks off Thursday night right here on NBC, right after the season finale of President Obama.

4. David Letterman: Labor Day is when Americans take 3 days off from looking for work.

3. Conan O'Brien: The Los Angeles Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. Finally, something China is not going to win at.

2. Jimmy Fallon: The price of pasta is expected to rise due to a wheat shortage. SpaghettiOs said, "Uh oh."

1. David Letterman: You can tell it's fall, because the networks have started gathering nuts for their reality shows.

The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter, Viking 2010

Page 378 - When the news broke on April 12 that Conan had signed with TBS, it rocked the television business. ... It worked for Jeff Ross and the other Conan backers because it afforded a national platform and a network that would truly commit all it had to making Conan successful -- and it didn't hurt that Conan would now have complete control of the show, including ownership.

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6. - 10. [No more good jokes

5. Craig Ferguson: Some jobs are growing: health care, solar technology and translating for our soon-to-be Chinese overlords.

4. Craig Ferguson: Today is Labor Day, which we celebrate by watching an immigrant dance for quarters. [Danced.] It was very quiet driving through Hollywood to get here. I only saw one prostitute, who turned out to be me in the rearview mirror.

3. Craig Ferguson: After Labor Day no more wearing white Speedos. Put away the white belts, the white shoes. I hope somebody tells Khadafy, so he doesn't wave the white flag tomorrow.

2. Chelsea Handler: Police unknowingly put an electronic ankle bracelet on a man's prosthetic leg, so he left it home and went out to get drunk. Jo Koy: I bet the guy was teasing the cop. "Oh, I can't even feel my leg it's so tight!"

1. Craig Ferguson: Kids today have grown up with the harsh reality about jobs. At any moment you can be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994

Page 120 - [The "Tonight" show was going on after the Republican Convention. Ronald Reagan was speaking and it was running very late. Helen [Leno's manager] was so mad she sent her audience home.] Helen Kushnick had just killed a scheduled NBC show, a show for which advertising had already been sold, a show the network had been promoting all night long.

NBC could have fired Helen Kushnick after that night, citing a failure-to-perform clause in her contract. But again no one acted.  Littlefield explained that Jay would be injured, perhaps beyond repair, if they tried to make a move on Helen right away.

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10. Jimmy Fallon: A man in Arkansas spotted his house being robbed from an airplane. The police released this sketch of the suspect. [It was just a dot.]

9. Jimmy Fallon guest Jon Rineman: I buy condoms like I buy milk. "Expiration date Dec. 2014? That's cutting it a little close."

8. Jay Leno: A New Mexico state trooper in full uniform was caught having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. She was so drunk that halfway through she said, "Hey, that's not a Breathalyzer!"

7. Jimmy Fallon: A company in Wisconsin is selling a Kim Kardashian costume for Halloween. with a wig, eyelashes and a foam butt. Professional athlete sold separately.

6. Craig Ferguson: "Shark Night" is in 3-D. I wanted to do this show in 3-D, but CBS said I'd have to keep my pants on, so what's the point? The poster for the movie looks like the "Jaws" poster. Every time Hollywood does a movie with a creature with big teeth, they do the "Jaws" poster. [Showed a Julia Roberts poster.]

5. Jay Leno: Tonight's guest are Dick Cheney and Carrot Top. This is what happens when you let match.com pick the guests.

4. Jimmy Fallon Thank You: Thank you, taboo, for being something people don't talk about. And thank you, Taboo from the Black-Eyed Peas, for embodying that definition perfectly.

3. Jay Leno: Frank McCourt has been offered $1.2 billion to sell the L.A. Dodgers. Apparently they're bringing back that Cash for Clunkers program. Part of the offer is from Chinese investors. Every Wednesday night could be Pirated DVD Night.

2. Jimmy Fallon: Police in Ohio are trying to figure out who left 3,000 pairs of underwear on the side of the road. There must have been an accident, because there were skid marks everywhere.

1. Jimmy Fallon Thank You: Thank you, high school reunions, or as I like to call you, Facebook Live.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 420 - The name of the boys was Levin. We had a collective name for them which was the only really large and handsome witticism that was ever born in that Congressional district. We called them "Twenty-two" -- and even when the joke was old and had been worn threadbare we always followed with the explanation to make sure that it would be understood, "Twice Levin -- twenty-two."

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10. David Letterman guest Joe Wong: Today kid's can't read analog watches. They can only read digital. How are they going to report the locations of hot chicks? It's going to be, "Hot chick, 3 o'clock." [Other guy looks at watch] "I can't stay that long."

9. Chelsea Handler: A city in Germany is requiring prostitutes to pay taxes by making them buy a daily ticket from a vending machine to allow them to walk the streets and hook. Heather McDonald: You'd think hooking would be the one profession where you could just work under the table. Greg Fitzsimmons: And you know it's going to be passed on the the consumer, and the last thing you want after a handie behind a dumpster is some hooker trying to figure out 8%.

8. Chelsea Handler: A site called facemate.com matches you up with someone who looks like you. Greg Fitzsimmons: Their motto is, "For when you really want to go f^&$ yourself."

7. Jay Leno: A man in England had been arrested for drunk driving about 50 times, but he tricked police into attaching an ankle monitoring bracelet to his prosthetic leg, which he could then leave home while he went out drinking. Today Lindsay Lohan went to the store and bought a bone saw.

6. Jay Leno: A New Mexico state trooper had sex with a woman on the hood of her car. State trooper? Sounds more like a Mountie, doesn't it?

5. David Letterman Small Town News: An Oakdale couple discovered a burglar in their home after the husband told a joke and heard a laugh upstairs.

4. David Letterman: Dick Cheney's memoir, "Eat, Pray, Waterboard," has a lot of revelations. For instance, Dick Cheney was actually born in a hut in Kenya. His first heart attack occurred when he accidentally saw himself naked. He also admits to fathering Beyonce's baby.

3. Chelsea Handler: A state trooper in New Mexico had sex with a woman on the hood of his car in broad daylight. I'm sick of surveillance cameras. Can't a girl just pork an officer on the hood of a car without her privacy being invaded? Brad Wollack: The last thing the dispatcher heard was, "Officer going down!" Greg Fitzsimmons: And the next call was, "Officer discharged his weapon."

2. David Letterman: New York City had earthquakes and hurricanes, but that's the price you pay for living in an island paradise.

1. Jay Leno: The 11th human foot has washed ashore in Vancouver. Turns out it's just a promotion for "Footloose."

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 76 - Marriage: Marriage was the sacred institution on which our society was based and had to be protected from gay people. ... The woman's father drew up a contract for betrothal involving his daughter and some cattle. Later on, women gained the right to make their own decisions about who they would marry. This is when men began to shave.

Bachelor parties were carefully planned to make the single life seem so twisted and depraved the groom would be glad to leave it.

Russia's fertile soil yielded such a rich harvest of wives it was known as "the bridebasket of the world."

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Thursday, September 1 Strangie to Jay Leno: The 11th human foot has washed ashore in Vancouver. Turns out it's just a promotion for "Footloose."

Friday, September 2 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon Thank You: Thank you, high school reunions, or as I like to call you, Facebook Live.

Monday, September 5 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: Kids today have grown up with the harsh reality about jobs. At any moment you can be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

Tuesday, September 6 Strangie to David Letterman: You can tell it's fall, because the networks have started gathering nuts for their reality shows.

Wednesday, September 7 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can't do half of?

Thursday, September 8 Strangie to Jay Leno: A single sperm donor in Washington state is responsible for 150 babies. Kind of sad he had to retire after he blew out his elbow.

Friday, September 9 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: It's our 500th episode. We're halfway to a thousand, but still going at it every night, sort of like Hugh Hefner.

Monday, September 12 Strangie to Stephen Colbert: There's a commemorative 9/11 Merlot, perfect for when you're drinking to never forget.

Tuesday, September 13 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: At the debate some Tea Partiers cheered at the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In all fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from "Toddlers & Tiaras."

Wednesday, September 14 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner's Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down.

Thursday, September 15 Strangie to Craig Ferguson The new "Guinness Book of World Records" is out. Some hold two records. The man with the longest fingernails also holds the record for most cautious masturbator.

Friday, September 16 Strangie to Jay Leno: The waiting list for cremations in Japan is so long that dead bodies have to be booked into hotels at $154 a night until they can be cremated. How busy are THOSE ice machines?

Monday, September 19 Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen: Amy Schumer: You're just like Bruce Willis. You were big in the '80s and now your old slot's being filled with Ashton Kutcher.

Monday, September 19 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: The world's largest sperm bank is no longer accepting donations from men with red hair because of low demand. As a result, this week my neighborhood Salvation Army is going to get a very interesting donation. But what are people seeing night after night that's making redheads so unpopular?

Tuesday, September 20 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: A sperm bank in Denmark is turning away men with red hair because of low demand. You know you're in trouble when even a plastic cup is out of your league.

Wednesday, September 21 Strangie to David Letterman: Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

Thursday, September 22 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: The animal rights group PETA is launching a porn web site to promote their cause. This is a terrible idea. It's only going to lead to monkey spanking, chicken choking, goose strangling, gopher whacking ...

Friday, September 23 Strangie to Jay Leno: Semen was used during WWI as invisible ink. How did they find this out? "Bob, I don't have a pen. Could you ...?" The problem was, after you wrote your first note you'd have to wait like an hour to write the next one. And the guy's asleep before he finishes the letter.

Monday, September 26 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix, tweeted: We're now a restaurant. Sorry.

Tuesday, September 27 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: The Octomom is selling her home. It comes with 14 bedrooms, 9 baths, all new appliances and a walk-in uterus.

Wednesday, September 28 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: Andy Rooney has something special. Ordinarily it's no fun listening to old people gripe. That's why I never bring up the cost of cocaine when Betty White is here.

Thursday,September 29 Strangie to David Letterman: The only thing Andy Rooney has left on his bucket list is Barbara Walters.

Friday, September 30 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, toilet paper, for being like Kleenex that pulled the short straw.