September Strangies: Leno 6, Letterman 5, Colbert 3, Kimmel 3, Ferguson 2, Fallon 2, Stewart 1
Click for Late-Night Lineups and Info.
Wednesday, September 1
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)
Thursday, September 2
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)
to Craig Ferguson: "Hurricane reporters put
condoms on their microphones to reduce the noise. That's why I wear
Chelsea Handler: Ron
McManus: "When I heard T.I. was arrested with Tiny I thought, 'What's
Ryan Seacrest done now?"
David Letterman: "You can
tell it's autumn. Halfway through last night's show the audience
started to turn." "New York is infested with bedbugs. If you have any,
make sure you have them spayed and neutered." "Our CBS cafeteria here
got a C rating from the health department. Even the Mentalist couldn't
tell what was in the chili." "The U.S. Open tennis tournament is
starting here in New York. I like to listen to the Russian babes
grunt." "Tom Selleck is back here on CBS in 'Blue Bloods,' about a cop
whose mustache is wounded in the line of duty."
Jay Leno: "The wife of one of those trapped Chilean miners
heard another woman calling his name. It turned out to be his mistress.
Now he's piling up more rocks against the entrance. When he pokes his
head out his wife is going to play Whack-a-Mole. However, both women
have now been arrested for having sex with a miner." "I'm not sure why
Paris Hilton was banned from Wynn Hotels, but I think we can rule out
card counting." "President Obama has redecorated the Oval Office with
furniture from Pier 1-Term."
Jimmy Fallon: "Fantasy
Football is like Dungeons & Dragons for guys who beat up guys who
play Dungeons & Dragons." "There's been
the first gay wedding on an airplane. The crew were excited, but the
right wing was against it." "Some guys were arrested in a store
for stuffing video games in their pants. It's not easy. To do that you
have to have a very small Wii." "A man was robbed of the $29,000 he won
at an off-track betting parlor. He said it was tough to win and have
nothing to show for it. The horses said, 'Yeah.'"
Craig Ferguson: "The guy who tried to ruin David Letterman is out
of prison. Jay Leno was in prison?" "To be honest I didn't understand
the hurricane report. I was lost in the eyes of Anderson Cooper. I'm
not really gay. I just pretend I am to be funny. That's what I tell the
Friday, September 3
(All but Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)
to Jimmy Fallon: "The Situation has become so
rich he wants to be known as The Scenario."
Jay Leno: "President Obama
is looking for peace in the Middle East with a two-state solution. The
states are denial and confusion." "The marijuana crop is up 35% this
year in Mexico. Most Mexicans crossing the border now aren't looking
for jobs; they're looking for snacks." "The Taliban have lost half
their drug trade revenue since Paris Hilton got arrested." "BP says if
they can't drill in the Gulf the $20 billion reparation money might not
happen. How about we put them in prison til it happens?" "There's a new
70-mile traffic jam in China. Luckily it doesn't affect the work force,
who are too young to drive."
her by letting us lick her for fifty cents."
"There's a new bra that makes your breasts look 10 years younger, which
is fine unless you're 20 or 90."
freakishly skinny all my life, because I have, like, a hole in my butt."
Monday, September 6
(All but Handler and Ferguson in reruns)
to Craig Ferguson: "It's the end of summer. Let
bikini area explode into its fall foliage."
Chelsea Handler: Chelsea
talked about the trapped miners in Chile whose wives and mistresses
have met at the pit head. Ross Matthews: "It's a miner problem, but not
a minor problem." Chelsea to guest Ne-Yo: "You're about to become a
father. Do you know who the mother is?"
"That's what we all have in
common. That and masturbation."
diet you've been saying you're
going to go on." "It's the first day for
medical marijuana ads on TV. And 30 seconds on 'Spongebob Squarepants'
is expensive!" "The federal government has a new job site, and
President Obama says he can't wait to try it out in a couple of years."
"L.A. has been so hot a lot of people are getting boob jobs just for
the shade." "Grover Cleveland started Labor Day in 1894. He announced
it on 'Larry King Live.' You can't wear white after Labor Day, or
assless chaps to the supermarket, or a sombrero in Arizona."
Theory:" Sheldon: "No, the X-Men were
named after their leader Dr. Xavier. I'm Dr. Cooper, so you're the
. . .
Tuesday, September 7
to David Letterman: "My son went off to school
his Team Coco lunchbox."
Stephen Colbert: "Tea for Tuesday."
David Letterman: "You put
your kid on the
school bus being driven by an ex-con." "I
habit with one
of those Fred Flintstone nicotine patches." "President Obama gave a
Labor Day speech. He saw his shadow, so we'll have six more weeks of
recession. He has a $50 billion plan to rebuild roads, railroads, his
presidency ... We need it. Here in New York we have a pothole so big
there are 33 miners trapped in it." "They're saying Sarah Palin is a
poor tipper. On a big moose steak dinner for four she only tipped two
pelts." Ellen read "Top 10 Things on Ellen DeGeneres' Mind: 8. For the
last time, I'm not Jane Lynch. I'm the other one. 6. I never should
have let Paris Hilton hold my purse. 1. Man, my wife's hot!"
Jay Leno: "The Jamie &
divorce case is getting ugly. They're fighting over ownership of the
Dodgers. Neither of them wants the team." "Reggie Bush had to give up
the Heisman Trophy, and an even bigger trophy, Kim Kardashian." "Did
you see that speech where the Governor of Arizona had a brain freeze.
She was so dumb she's eligible to run for Governor of Alaska." "Some
kids are actually attending virtual school online. And when they
graduate they have virtually no chance of getting a job." "The world's
shortest man is a Colombian only 27 inches tall. He can fit into Paris
Hilton's purse." Headlines: "Seniors: A
Secret Source for Meat."
Jimmy Kimmel: "I had a terrible vacation.
Craigslist pulled all my ads. My whole stable of women is out of work."
"Paris Hilton thought the cocaine in her purse was gum. She's paying
way too much for gum. Purses are for dogs, not drugs."
Jimmy Fallon: "President
Obama has put a
rug in the Oval Office with quotes from famous people, but Martin
Luther King, Jr. did not say, 'My humps, my humps, my lovely lady
lumps.' I think that was Benjamin Franklin or maybe Franklin
Roosevelt." "White House crasher Michaele
Salahi is posing for
'Playboy' because no one asked her to." "A study found 40% of
New York are overweight or obese, while the other 60% are both." "A
106-year-old woman in Scotland says she's lived so long because she's a
virgin. By now I think she qualifies as extra virgin." Guest
Cho: "When I was 14 I told my mother I wanted to be a comedian, and she
said, 'Maybe it better you just die.'"
"Our warm-up comedian, the
audience fluffer ..." "Larry King was asked
about Lady Gaga, and he
said, 'Poker Face? I hardly knew her.'" "Today
Wednesday, September 8
to Jimmy Kimmel, who
showed a clip of Yoko Ono wailing and moaning and said, "She's still
cab." "The economy is so bad Johnson & Johnson had to lay
off a Johnson." "President Obama's spending
$50 billion to put in a new
infrastructure. Worked for Regis." "The world's shortest man, 27" tall,
is in New York with his wife Katie Holmes."
own heart attack.
Medics weren't concerned with saving his life. Obviously he had none."
"That Indonesian kid has quit smoking, but
now he's gained back the
baby weight." "Women are going on
trips to the locations Julia Roberts
visited, so now it's 'Eat Pray Love Handles.'"
"Joe Perry is threatening to find
another lead singer for
Aerosmith since Steven Tyler is going to be busy being a judge on
'American Idol.' Maybe Steven will find a new singer for him." Jimmy
the 'Bible' she said, 'Sure. F**king mother ..." "A man in Georgia
was arrested for trading a gun for NASCAR tickets. Isn't the point of
having a gun that you can just say, 'Give me your NASCAR tickets?'"
"Thai Airlines found no bomb after a passenger wrote a bomb threat on a
bathroom mirror. Though writing, 'I dropped a bomb' on a bathroom
mirror could have just been an apology." "Congratulations to Mike Tyson
and his wife who are expecting a baby boy. Mike looks forward to
playing Got Your Ear with the baby." Guest Andy Haynes: "I like the
morning-after pill they call Plan B. I call it Plan A. Plan C is a
plane ticket to somewhere and a mustache." Today a guy said, 'You don't
eat meat? Queer!' How mad's he going to be when he finds out what gay
guys actually do?"
"The President's speech in
Cleveland went very well until he asked, 'Where's LeBron?'" "I've
Dov Davidoff: "Maybe necrophiliacs
just want to have sex with a woman who isn't talking." T.J.
Miller: "I have a Rodney King joke that can't be beat."
Thursday, September 9
to David Letterman: "There's
a photo of Madonna riding the F train. Why not? She's ridden everything
else. Plus, she gets the senior citizen discount."
"It's Fashion Week in NYC.
All the supermodels have arrived in cardboard mailing tubes." "I'm
wearing a real tie, but it's a clip-on suit." "Sheik Mohamed
has lost 40 lbs. in prison through water boarding and wheat grass." "Oprah's leaving her show after 24 years. Thanks a
Tyson said his greatest regret was that he didn't smoke weed with
Tupac. So his greatest regret isn't the felonies he committed but the
misdemeanor he didn't." "The judge found Snooki guilty of drunk
and disorderly and called her a Lindsay Lohan wanna be. A Lindsay Lohan
Mini Me maybe. He sentenced her to two days' community service. She has
to stay away from the community." "A Britney Spears bodyguard is suing
her for sexual harassment, saying she repeatedly exposed herself to
him. Didn't she do that to all of us? This should be a class-action
lovers, lasting 7 minutes longer. Of course 6 of those
minutes are spent looking for their penises."
"China is fining people $7 if they're caught smoking in public places.
How are kids supposed to relax between shifts? Also, starting in 2011, some Chinese couples can
have and keep a second child, whether it's a boy or a male."
"Today is Col. Sanders' birthday. Fans celebrated by blowing out their
arteries." "Chanel is offering an iPad case for $1,500. Why would you
pay that much for something so useless and then buy a cover for
it?" "A poll found Levi Johnston less popular than John Edwards. Levi
is disappointed in his numbers and doing whatever he can to knock them
Craig Ferguson: "A great day for fat guys. A study says they last longer in bed, though the bed itself doesn't last." "Scientists have invented a tractor beam, according to Fox News, which said Democrats have been using them to drag Mexicans into Arizona. It's only a matter of time until we figure out how to use the tractor beam for porn."
Murder in the Pleasure Gardens by Rosemary Stevens
Friday, September 10
(All but Leno, Kimmel, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)
to Jay Leno: "Couples
in China will soon be allowed to have a 2nd child, to work the night
"Everyone watched the NFL opener. Even
Raiders fans asked the warden to turn it on." "That minister
says he's not going to burn the Qaran. He's just going to rip up a copy
of 'The Watchtower.'" "The economy's so bad women in L.A. are telling
their real age to get the AARP discount." "A Playboy Playmate tried to
jump out of a plane. Fortunately, since she was a Playmate, she
couldn't read the instructions on getting the door open." "A 400-lb.
lion in a Vegas show attacked its trainer, probably to assert
dominance. In Vegas that usually costs $300/hour."
a cure for virginity." "Lindsay Lohan may go on 'Oprah.' I hope
Oprah doesn't give her a car."
"Paper clips are like
staples for people who can't commit." Guest Nathan Lane: "I had
a bedbug infestation. One inappropriate sleepover and you're dead."
Ferguson: "Thank you. I love a warm hand on
my opening." "Sunday is Grandparents' Day, when we celebrate old
folks, or as CBS calls it, sweeps. Old folks accuse the grandkids of
not calling. Sometimes they do call, but the grandparents answer the
blender. Remember, your grandparents won't
be around for long, so you have a limited time to steal their pills."
Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "Sooki's boyfriend says he's been getting death threats, mostly from his doctor. 'If you have sex with Sooki, you'll die.'" "'The Soup' would like to wish a happy 163rd birthday to the outlaw Jesse James, the 2nd most unpopular Jesse James in American history."
Mo Mandel on Comedy Central: "All mariachi music sounds the same. It's like techno for people without electricity." "Other races steal music from white people too. Don't believe me? Does just about every rap song have the n-word?"
Murder in the Pleasure Gardens by Rosemary Stevens
solves a mystery in Regency England.
Monday, September 13
(Letterman in reruns)
Strangie to Jay Leno: "Don't Ask Don't Tell took a hit when a judge ruled that gays must be allowed to serve in the Army of One [breaks into song] Singular Sensation."
Chelsea Handler: "At the
VMAs I ran into Kanye West in the men's room. Sooki went as a
traffic cone." Guy Branum on the VMAs: "I
saw Cher in the 'Turn Back Time' outfit give Video of the Year to Lady
Gaga dressed entirely in raw meat. I don't know why liking other men
makes me love that, but it does." Chuy thought Jenny McCarthy did a
great job hosting. [Chelsea hosted.]
Jay Leno: "I went into my
local meat market yesterday morning, and there was Lady Gaga buying her
outfit for the VMAs. Her designer was Oscar Mayer de la Renta." "At his
press conference President Obama wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He
spends a couple of hours with Tiger Woods ..." "A doctor says he
can erase unhappy memories. Good news for Dodger fans." "A man watching
TV shot himself in the leg. Good thing he wasn't watching 'Jersey
Shore.' He'd have shot himself in the head." Headlines: Ad: "We fix
comupters." "For sale: Hardley Davidson." "To
poets." "Tricycle for sale, training wheels
included." "For sale: '93 Poontiac."
Guest Bill Maher is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. "It's
sort of humbling walking down the street and seeing all those stars on
the sidewalk: Andy Dick, Lindsay Lohan ..." "We
Jimmy Kimmel: "For me the start of the NFL season
means the 'Dancing with the Stars' season is just around the corner."
"Lady Gaga got 8 VMAs and wore a meat dress." [Showed clip of Lady Gaga
getting attacked by dogs.] "On 'Jersey Shore' The Situation watches a
couple having sex in the next bed while he eats a sandwich. This is
like animals in the zoo." "Today was the
first day of Oprah's last season, it says in 'The Bible.' She surprised
her audience by burning a Quran. No, she's taking them all to
Australia, where she'll release them into the Outback and hunt them
down for sport. And John Travolta is going to pilot the plane. So
America's chief national treasure and 300 other innocent people are in
the hands of Vinnie Barbarino." "Here in California our current
Robot Governor's hard drive died, so we have to elect another one. Also
we're voting on whether to legalize marijuana, and that has people
upset. Don't they realize most of the proposition's supporters will
forget to vote?"
Jimmy Fallon: "I was so embarrassed last night when
Lady Gaga and I showed up for the VMAs in the same meat dress." "The Jerry Springer Show turned 20 years old!
Which means it’s now old enough to be a grandmother on The Jerry
Springer Show." "A 27-year-old was arrested after posting on Facebook
he was engaged to a 14-year-old. His relationship status: 'It’s
Illegal.'” "LeBron James was wearing an Obama T-shirt. Remember
when he was so popular? I know. Which one?" "After being arrested an a
weapons charge, Spencer Pratt tweeted that Costa Rica has banned him
from the country. In response, the U.S. was like 'Wait – you can do
Craig Ferguson: "The leader of the free world, Oprah,
gave her premiere audience a free trip to Australia. Actually she's
bringing Australia to her studio." Craig pointed to his robot sidekick.
"That's what Lady Gaga looks like without the meat." "I had a wonderful time in San Francisco over the
weekend. I did all the things San Francisco is known for. Well, not all
the things. I met Al Catraz, and now I know why they call him The Rock.
I barely escaped."
Sunday's MTV Video Music Awards: Host Chelsea Handler
had a run-in with Lindsay Lohan. Click
clip. Chelsea came out
as Lady Gaga. Click
"Imagine how good Justin Bieber's songs will be once he sees a vagina."
Chelsea got into a hot tub with the cast of
"Jersey Shore." When she
emerged after the commercial she was visibly pregnant. Kim Kardashian:
"When I was asked to introduce Justin Bieber I thought it was
fantastic. Then I remembered the restraining order. So I'll introduce
him from 51 feet away."
Here are 56%
savings on a Samsung HD TV
Tuesday, September 14
(Letterman in reruns)
"J. Lo is getting $12 million to be a judge on 'American Idol.' It's
the first time a Puerto Rican girl will be a judge instead of standing
in front of one. But 'American Idol' without Paula Abdul is like
drinking a martini without cocaine." "There's a Kim Kardashian sex
doll, but by the time you blow it up you're too tired to have sex."
Stephen Colbert: "Our guest tonight has written a book
about Bob Dylan. I can't wait to hear what he has to mumble." "Pissing
off PETA is easy as pie, delicious kitten pie." "Ugh, veggie dogs have the parts of the veggie no
one wants: lettuce hooves, turnip taints and soy anus." "Exactly.
Burning a religious book and building a religious center are really the
same thing if you don't think about it. It's a sign of disrespect to
the patrons of the nearby New York Dolls Strip Club to have Muslims
praying so close to their erections."
Jay Leno: "Steven Slater needs a good reason he
shouldn't go to prison. He's a male flight attendant. They don't do
well in prison." "Mexican drug lord El Grande has been arrested, along
with his henchmen, Tall and Venti." "A man in Switzerland who was
surrounded by a hundred policemen escaped. He used every tool on his
Swiss Army Knife." "Kim Kardashian got
Botox. When I think of her I don't think Botox. Buttox, yes."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Crime in the U.S. is down 5%. See what
happens when you put Lindsay Lohan in jail?" "George
band was called Wham. In jail he'll be surrounded by nothing but
men, working out, showering. He'll be miserable." Guest Kathy Griffin: "My fans are called Griffters or
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama is going to release a
fun, easy-to-read children’s book this November. Yeah, it’s for ages
'Biden and up.' It's based on 'The Little Engine that Could.' But
instead of "I think I can. I think I can,' his goes, 'I thought I
could. I thought I could.'" "Penelope Cruz & Javier Bardem are
expecting a baby! They said they don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as
long as it's sexy." "The Vatican Library is
reopening after renovations. It's a place to use the Vatican's favorite
word, 'Shh!'" "Asian American students have the highest academic
scores. Second are the students who sit directly behind them."
Craig Ferguson: "George Michael has been sentenced to
8 weeks in jail. He's appealing for a longer sentence." "Australian
scientists have discovered that bats have regional accents. I've always
wondered. The fastest-chirping bats are in
Central Australia. The noisiest are in South Australia, and the
quietest bats are in the Dodgers' lineup. If you have a bat in
your house you should open all the doors and windows until it leaves. I
try that with Regis, but it doesn't work."
Delaware Tea Party woman
outlaw masturbation. Listen, you'll get my penis when you pry
out of my cold dead hands."
Jon Stewart: "Tea Party Primary: Beyond the Palin:"
Jon showed a clip of an inane statement made by the Tea Party winner in
Delaware: "Ah, the Palin is strong in her."
Chelsea Handler: Jeff Wild: "Fat guys lasting longer
at sex is like having your pie and eating it too." Chelsea asked Chuy
how long he lasts in bed. Chuy: "I try to get at least 8 hours." Jeff
Wild: "We should send Kate Gosselin to that Chilean mine. She's good at
pulling bodies out of a dark hole."
Stephen Colbert: "Libertea: Tea Party Wins Primaries:"
"It's the happiest angry they've ever been." "It's the Jewish High
Holidays, which means, I think, that I get to go to a Chinese
restaurant. For Jewish New Year I go to Times Square to watch the
foreskin drop." "The new 'Halo' game was released today, so I assume
you're not watching this." "The Delaware Tea
Party winner said
masturbation was adultery. I know this is terrible news for my
home audience, many of whom are commiting adultery right now.
your hand. 'I now pronounce you man and hand.'"
Jay Leno: "That American hiker has been freed by Iran,
but I don't think she learned her lesson. Now she's white water rafting
in Afghanistan." "That Tea Party winner in Delaware came out against
masturbation. Not only is she against politicians putting their hands
in our pockets, she's against them putting their hands in their own
pockets." "Nancy Pelosi is angry that her opponent depicted her as the
Wicked Witch of the West. Also angry, the Wicked Witch of the West."
"President Obama has written a new children's book: 'James & the
Giant Bailout.'" "There was a bomb threat at
the Eiffel Tower. I'm not
saying who called the threat in, but he said, 'After it's gone can we
put a mosque there?'" "For the first time Bing had more hits
Yahoo. Know where I heard it? Google." "Californians are split on
legalizing marijuana. Half are against it, and half are going, 'It's
illegal?'" "A doctor has found a method for erasing unpleasant
memories. Unfortunately he can't remember what it is." "You saw that
female sportscaster who said she was harassed? The football players
said, 'Harassed? Is that one word or two.'" "Kim
"Under her meat dress Lady Gaga
gristle thong." "Remember the Air Guitar Championship? In Brooklyn they
had the Air Sex Championship, where you simulate sex with an imaginary
partner, or as I called it, high school."
Jimmy ran Lady Gaga's new fragrance
Jimmy Fallon. "Heidi and Spencer's divorce is on hold.
Both still want it, but neither can spell irreconcilable differences."
"You're not going to be allowed to smoke outdoors in New York parks.
What do you do after you've had sex?" "It's Mexico's 200th birthday,
and they celebrated at their favorite spot. Here." Click
Craig Ferguson: "A great day for the Tea Party, but
the lady who won in Delaware is against masturbation. If she wants to
win in November she may have to change her position. Tweak it a
little." "I got this suit from Bob Barker. It has moth balls in the
pockets. I hope they're moth balls. He always wanted to neuter
animals." "Kate Middleton is on 'People's' best-dressed list. She's
Prince William's girlfriend and may be Queen of England someday, after
Elton John retires."
Thursday, September 16
(Letterman in reruns)
that time Newt Gingrich had come out with his Contract
"Benny & the Brits: Pope visits
England." Jon made the big announcement he's been promising for a week.
Saturday, 10/30/10, he'll have a big Rally to Restore Sanity on the
Mall in Washington, D.C. Sample signs: "I disagree with you, but I'm
pretty sure you're not Hitler." "9/11 was an outside job." "I'm not
afraid of Muslims, Tea Partiers, gays or gun owners, but I am sort of
scared of spiders." Guest Bill Clinton: "I wanted to do the wedding
like Chelsea wanted, and it's my contribution to the economic
Stephen Colbert announced on 10/30/10 on the Mall in
D.C. he'll have a big March to Keep Fear Alive: Freakout for Freedom"
"Bedbugs have increased 500% this year. They're tiny vampires, and can
tiny sexy werewolves be far behind?"
Chelsea Handler: "Getting
arrested in a swimming suit
is poor planning. When I swim drunk I'm always fully dressed."
would you have sex with Sam or Lindsay?" Chuy: "The one without the
Jay Leno: "That Tea Party
woman in Delaware wants to
outlaw masturbation. And you thought the war on drugs was unwinnable.
Once that curtain is closed it's none of her business what I do in the
voting booth. I'll pull whatever lever I want." "IHOP is suing
International House of Prayer for trademark infringement, so they're
changing to Kentucky Fried Christians." "Kim
Kardashian was seen buying
a home pregnancy test. Oh, that Justin Bieber."
Jimmy Kimmel showed a video
of the opponent of the
Delaware Tea Party lady who wants to outlaw masturbation.
Friday, September 17
(All but Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)
Men, two minutes and they're out of there."
"Parents are going to cut back on Halloween
costume expense this year by just taping cell phones to their kids'
ankles and sending them out as Lindsay Lohan, who, by the way, just
tested positive for Paris Hilton's gum." "The economy's so bad Lady
Gaga's wearing leftovers." "A medical marijuana dispensary in
California is offering marijuana-infused ice cream. Cut out the
middleman. Their cracksicles did so well." Jay and
Jim Norton gave audience members love advice. Jim:
way. I sleep with her sister."
husband gets me to have sex by saying it's a workout, but he's not
losing weight. Am I being duped?" Jay: "Yes. No workout lasts only two
minutes." Jim: "Congratulations, Jay. You've doubled your time." Guest
Joel McHale about Betty White being on "Community:" "She was very
sensual in her sex scenes with me."
Jimmy Fallon: "Ryan Seacrest will announce the three
new 'American Idol' judges. Then he'll announce the three remaining
viewers." "A survey found only 25% of women are satisfied with their
sex life. Although up to half those women may have faked their answer."
"NY Gov. candidate Carl Paladino said Manhattan has smug,
self-important, pampered elitists. God, he sounds just like my butler."
"Joaquin Phoenix revealed his two years of acting crazy was just
performance art for a movie. Mel Gibson said, 'Uh, yeah, me too.'"
"Paris Hilton bought 20 rabbits that were going to be fed to snakes.
Then the snakes saved the rabbits from being adopted by Paris Hilton." Guest Will Arnett: "My wife said, 'I wish you
would just talk to me like I was one of your friends.' So I said,
'You're right. Dude, my wife's driving me crazy.'" Jimmy challenged
Will to an athletic contest, and Will said, "Yeah, let's go. I can try
out my new hip."
Craig Ferguson: "A man in Texas has created deep-fried
beer. And here I am stuck in this tofu hell L.A." "There's a new movie called 'Devil' about five
people stuck in an elevator. I can't believe they passed up the chance
to name it 'Hellevator.'" "Kids today don't want to learn
anything in movies, except maybe that vampires have feelings too."
Monday, September 20
man with no arms and no legs has swum the English Channel. Boy, is he
going to be pissed when he hears about the Chunnel train."
Jon Stewart: See
rallytorestoresanity.com or follow on Twitter @rally4sanity "Working
Stiffed:" Assif Mondvi interviewed the pickets who were picketing
Wal-Mart for paying minimum wage with no benefits and giving no say in
hours of work. It turned out the pickets had been hired by the union
from a temp agency and were receiving minimum wage with no benefits,
and had had their hours arbitrarily reduced. The union rep had said, "A
lot of companies are imitating Wal-Mart." Assif: "Is one of those
companies your union?"
Chelsea Handler: Heather "Long Boobs" McDonald: "Paris
and Lindsay should do a show 'Keeping Up with Probation.'"
Stephen Colbert: "By the Dawn's Early Fright:"
Stephen's having a March to Keep Fear Alive in D.C. 10/30/10. On Tea
Partier Christine O'Donnell: "She believes masturbation is adultery,
and she's single, guys. It's awful. People
like Bill Maher are smearing her with words that she said." Showed clip
of her on Maher's show saying she'd dabbled in witchcraft. "So she was
a little Beelzebubcurious. I'm sure she's not a witch. We'll
have her on the show, bind her hands and feet and throw her in a tank
of water and see."
David Letterman: "'Dancing with the Stars' is back.
I've invited a few friends to come over and watch and try to figure out
who the stars are." "Turns out Christine
O'Donnell, who's against masturbation, is a practicing witch. She'll be
the first one in Washington since Barbara Bush. No, Mrs. Bush is a
lovely woman, and the Quaker Oats guy. Christine looks a lot like Sarah
Palin, so more work for Tina Fey."
Jay Leno: "Christine O'Donnell is against
masturbation. She's out of touch with voters who are in touch with
themselves. On Bill Maher's show she admitted dabbling in witchcraft.
So she's pro dabbling, anti diddling. Sarah Palin had better watch out.
Christine's younger, hotter and crazier." "When
hat.'" Headlines: Brochure: "Proceeds will be used
to cripple children." "Trail of Cheetos leads to snack thief." "Man
Stole Sex Offender's Identity." Grocery ad: "Parkay Spread Maxi-Pads."
Jay: "It's not butter!" Cleaning service ad:
"Our maids are licensed, boned and insured."
Jimmy Kimmel: "On 'Dancing with the Stars,' hopefully
The Situation will get Bristol Palin pregnant. Every year I pick the
winner, and I'm usually right. They call me Notradancemus. Margaret Cho is the 1st bisexual contestant since
Adam Carolla in 1997." "Christine O'Donnell has limited her base
to Satanists who oppose masturbation." "Lindsay Lohan failed another
drug test. Maybe that's what she meant by 'being more positive.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Lindsay Lohan is probably going to be
sentenced to 30 days in jail. That could be like 6 days in jail."
"Traffic was tied up in NY for the UN General Assembly. You couldn't
get anywhere or do anything. It was like being in the UN." "Facebook was coming out with a cell phone, but
you could only call friends you barely remembered from high school.
Actually Facebook denied the rumor it made a phone. To avoid weirdness,
they just accepted the rumor, then deleted it a few days later."
Craig Ferguson: "Christine O'Donnell is against
masturbation, gay rights and all the other things I hold dear. And
she's probably a witch. Sarah Palin says the media is trying to destroy
Christine. Nonsense. If that were true we'd just toss water on her."
"'Hawaii Five-O' premiered tonight. How does CBS come up with these
brilliant fresh ideas? Look at this promo picture. The guys get
bulletproof vests and the lady gets a little waistcoat." "I've never
been to Brazil, but I've enjoyed many of your fine products, like
coffee and transvestites." Guest: "You perk
up with any mention of sex, breasts, penises, transvestites. Where
would you be without that?" Craig: "Primetime."
Tuesday, September 21
Woods' #1 mistress bought a NYC condo for $2 million. She's going to
fix it up and rent it out. Same thing she did with her body."
Jon Stewart: In a town hall meeting a guy asked
President Obama when he was going to "stop whacking the Wall Street
pinata." Jon: "When the candy comes out?" "Our Rally for Sanity
going to be a masturbation contest." Larry Wilmore: "Well, if you don't
want one to break out you'd better plan something." Jon: "Betty White
was on our show. She was charming, wonderful. I cut to commercial, and
she snarled, 'I'll cut you, Jon.'" "Our new book 'Earth: The Book' is
out, and I give you permission to buy and burn as many copies as you
Wednesday, September 22
Hilton was kept out of
Japan. She couldn't make it through the mental detector."
Chelsea Handler: "There are rumors that Ashton cheated
on Demi. If they split up. where will Bruce Willis go for a weird-ass
Christmas?" "Because of her drug conviction Paris Hilton was denied
entry to Japan, so now Hello Kitty is the only over-publicized pussy in
Stephen Colbert: "First Do No Farm: Is agriculture
something Americans will do? I don't know. Do cornfields have wi-fi?" "Media vultures are circling Christine O'Donnell
the way she used to circle anyone with a video camera."
David Letterman: "Christine
O'Donnell said she once had a date on a Satanic altar, but who hasn't?
Then they went to a Motel 666." "The Hoff was voted off 'Dancing
with the Stars.' He danced like he was taking a sobriety test. I think
he was confused. He kept trying to buy a vowel." "On the premiere of 'Hawaii Five-0' the cops
looked around and came up with Obama's birth certificate." "Economists
world's oldest man turned 114 today. If you want
to buy him a present, hurry. He lives at home with his parents." "Those Chilean miners are still trapped,
like you people." Dave showed a clip of the miners putting on an
amateur production of "Oklahoma."
Jay Leno: "Well, it's Tokyo 1, Paris Hilton 0. She was
detained for 6 hours for questioning, which was 5 hours longer that she
was detained for the actual drug bust." "The economy's so bad Where's
Waldo is hiding from his creditors." "Delaware's Christine O'Donnell is
against masturbation, so the hand lotion companies are supporting her
opponent." "Beer companies are opposing
legalization of marijuana. Oddly, both sides have the same slogan:
'This Bud's for You.'" "About 1 in 6 newlyweds met online. The
other 5 are missing, presumed dead." "A high school bowling instructor
was arrested for having sex with a female student. He's being charged
under a tough 3 strikes law." "'Dancing with the Stars' booted off the
Hoff. He's a pretty bad dancer. He should stick to bad acting." Jay put
his fake questions in a taped interview with Christine O'Donnell: "I
understand that in a Satanic ritual you even disemboweled a classmate."
Christine: "Who hasn't done some questionable things in high school?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "One of the
new 'American Idol' judges is Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. I don't see
him making it past the Senate confirmation hearing." "How can Japan
deny entry to Paris Hilton, who's done nothing but welcome it?"
"An ingredient in marine paint is making snails grow penises on their
foreheads. Could be the biggest thing to hit the pharmaceutical
industry since Viagra. 'Give yourself a head start.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "The Hoff was voted off 'Dancing with
the Stars,' but he's used to people telling him to get off the floor."
"Spencer Pratt posted a video of himself shaving off his beard.
Warning: if you watch it, you can never get that time back." "On Nov. 9
Susan Boyle releases her new album 'The Gift.' The 1st track is 'Keep
the Receipt.'" "Plane tix on Thanksgiving cost 10% more this year. But
lying to your relatives & saying you're too sick to make it? Still
Thursday, September 23
Strangie to David Letterman: "World leaders are assembled at the UN. That's why it's so hard to get a hooker."
Jon Stewart: "International
House of Handshakes: The 65th session of the UN was led off by the
Secret Ambassador from Kenya, Barack Obama." "The Republicans
issued their Pledge to America, supposed to be full of new ideas. It's
all the old ideas. It's like we broke up with them, they spent 2 years
soul searching, and they said, 'We're still going to try to f**k your
sister every chance we get. That's who we are.'"
Chelsea Handler: "On 'American Idol' Steven Tyler can
wear Ellen's old wardrobe. There are only 3 judges, because they need
room for Steven's lips, J. Lo's ass and Randy's penis."
Stephen Colbert: "Farming really is backbreaking work.
And I apologize to the man I ran over with my tractor."
David Letterman: "I was up late last night watching
'Dick Clark's Rocking Autumnal Equinox." "At
running a witch for
Congress. She promises to cast a spell on health care. The Republicans
claim Obama is not an American, and then they run a witch for
Congress." "The Iranian President was on Larry King, who thought he was
interviewing Paul Anka."
Jay Leno: "Iran's President
is here at the UN. He flies to America free, because he's so little he
fits into the overhead bin." "Obama's top economic adviser is stepping
down. Evidently he was out of bad ideas." "Blockbuster has filed for
bankruptcy, so if you rented a video, keep it." "The unemployed are getting money by raising pot.
So now we really do have chronic unemployment." "The economy's
so bad the Brawny Paper Towel guy has gone back to gay porn." "A
waitress flew from Washington to Chicago to have sex with Congressman
Jesse Jackson, Jr. I can't get the waitress to bring me a second cup of
coffee." "What do UCLA, a Mensa meeting and
Japan have in common? They're all places Paris Hilton can't get into.
we are." "The world's
oldest man spent his 114th birthday throwing passes to his Viking
teammates." "That woman who claimed someone threw acid on her admitted
she threw it on herself. She ruined her own face, just like Heidi
Montag." "Elderly men whose wives have died are more likely to
get STDs, to which their dead wives say, 'Good!'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "It's the
Feast of St. Gennaro is going on her in LA. All the profit goes to
charity, and all the food goes to obesity." "Blockbuster has had to
file for bankruptcy because no one would rewind." "Bedbugs are back in
a big way. I always thought bedbugs were imaginary, like Eskimos. But
they're real, and, like Eskimos, they bite." "The
had her and all her kids working on his show.
"'Sesame Street' has pulled a video of Katy Perry singing with Elmo
because her outfit was too skimpy. Meanwhile, most of the Muppets are
are totally naked all the time."
Jimmy Fallon: "Sarah Palin
announced she'll run for President if no one else steps up. Which is
why everyone in America announced they're running." "Justin Bieber made
his acting debut on “CSI.” In the episode, Justin is forced to
investigate a very suspicious arrival—pubes." "J. Lo is getting $12
million on 'American Idol,' and Steven Tyler is getting $18 million,
while Randy gets to sit next to them." "On
'Sesame Street' Katy Perry's dress was so sexy Elmo started tickling
himself." "Scientists have discovered a dinosaur with many horns, the
horniest dinosaur ever. Larry King said, 'Well, I had a good run.'"
Craig Ferguson: "Bruce
Springsteen is 61, so he's having to update some of his songs, like
'Baby, We Were Born to Shuffle.'" "Because of lack of visitors the
Liberace Museum in Las Vegas is closing. Also the Mel Gibson Museum of
Tolerance and the Arizona Museum of Mexican History. Liberace was the Steven Tyler of his day. No, more
macho. The Lady Gaga of his day. I go to his museum to get
ideas for outfits. There are rumors he may have been gay. In the 1950s Liberace sued a British newspaper for
implying he was gay. AND HE WON! That newspaper must have had the worst
lawyer in the world. He couldn't even say, 'Exhibit A, Your Honor,
"30 Rock:" Jack: "The Harry
Potter Theme Park is a big hit with both Anglophiles and pedophiles."
Writer: "This morning I made love to my wife, and she was still asleep,
so I didn't have to be gentle." Jenna: "I realized I'm not necessary.
Last time I said that I was in a 3-way with 2 Backstreet Boys."
Friday, September 24
(Stewart & Colbert off, Handler in reruns)
Strangie to Jay Leno: "'You Again' just opened. It's about a group of prisoners greeting Lindsay Lohan."
David Letterman: "It's
autumn in New York. The hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are
wearing tweed and using flannel condoms." "Mayor Bloomberg has
outlawed smoking in Central Park. Murder's still OK." "Tom Selleck's in
a new cop show. CBS: expect the expected." "Those Chilean miners are
stuck down there for months. But think of the overtime they're raking
in." "Sarah Palin was interested in running
for President, but then she found out it was a 4-year gig."
Jay Leno: "Lindsay Lohan's
back in jail. Listen, ask any actress in L.A. It's not easy getting a
callback." "'Forbes' has listed the richest Americans. Bill Gate
is #1, and Tiger's wife is #2." "Obama has dropped so far in the polls
that Muslims are claiming he's a Christian." "A man carried out the
first flight in a human-powered plane. Wait till Southwest gets ahold
of this." "Facebook had a problem where people couldn't log on. You
know what you call Facebook with nobody on it? MySpace." "There's a new
bra that doubles as an asthma inhaler. When your wife finds it in the
car you can say, 'Honey, that's for emergencies.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Lindsay Lohan's gone straight to jail
until her next hearing Oct. 22, which gives her almost no time to find
a Halloween costume." Jimmy showed Celebrity
Avenger Jake Byrd at the Lohan hearing wearing a t-shirt "Linnocent,"
carrying a sign "Just Say Lo," and yelling, "They're picking on her
because she's a ginger who does cocaine."
Jimmy Fallon: "On 'Dancing with the Stars' Bristol
Palin is denying that she's dating The Situation. If he visited the
Palins he'd have the most normal male name in the household." "Facebook went down yesterday, and I had to walk
around in person going, 'Like. Like. It's complicated.'" "Apparently in
May Mel Gibson paid his girlfriend $15 million to destroy all tapes.
Now he just has to erase the internet, hard drives and everyone's
memories." "President Obama will host his 3rd state dinner for Chinese
President Hu Jintao. We don't know who'll attend. It depends on Hu's
Jintown." "PETA will be celebrating its 30th birthday with a
game of Appreciate the Tail on the Donkey."
Craig Ferguson: "Italy is going to stop using those
airport scanners that make you look nude after protests from women who
don't want you to see their Naples." "Actress
is Kelly McGillis. It's a joke, lawyers." "'Legend
of the Guardians' is out today. Owls in 3-D, bitch! It's like they're
diving right at you. If I want that I'll glue a mouse to my forehead. It's from a children's book, but not one of those
celebrity ones, like Jay Leno's 'Goodnight, Conan.' Owls have giant heads and little bodies and vomit
out furry pellets, just like the cast of 'Desperate Housewives.' The
The movie of 'Winnie the Pooh' comes out next summer, and I
play Owl. I'm glad I didn't get cast as Pooh." Robot sidekick Geoff
Peterson: "In your pants!" Craig: "If owls weren't wise we'd be eating
buckets of them at KFO."
Saturday, September 25,
"Saturday Night Live"
Strangie to New York Governor Paterson: "You've poked so much fun at me for being blind that I forgot I was black."
and Taylor Lautner, to whom I say you're
welcome. I also had two babies, and I hope you won't tell them about
the beautiful boys." "I'm this close to moving to France, except I
don't speak the language and I hate the people." "There was a meeting
of North Korean officials to choose a successor to ailing Kim Jong Il.
The leading candidate: Kim Jong Not Il." "Gay
Liza." "Here's a picture of dogs
surfing, or as sharks call it, Thanksgiving."
"That's what the framers of the Constitution should have said."
"Sesame Street" cut Katy Perry's song with Elmo on
grounds of cleavage. Katy wore Elmo for "Saturday Night Live."
Monday, September 27
Strangie to Stephen Colbert testifying before Congress: "I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want a tomato picked by an American, sliced by a Venezuelan, served by a Guatemalan, while I'm in a spa being given a Brazilian by a Chilean."
Jon Stewart: "Friday 'comedian' Stephen Colbert ruined
Congress." Jon showed clips of Congressmen livid that ten minutes of
their time had been wasted by Colbert's actually reasonable testimony
on agriculture, and then showed clips of all the other time-wasting
Congress had done last week. Clip of Colbert
testimony: "I know to some people that's offensive. To some people
'corn packer' is a derogatory term for a gay Iowan, so I'll say 'man
husker.'" The Congresspersons sat stony faced. The only laugh
came on Stephen's last line: "I trust that when I leave you'll work
together for what's good for the country, like you always do." Jon's
guest Bill O'Reilly, plugging his book "Pinheads & Patriots." Jon: "I was at Fox News, the Temple of Mordor, to
promote my own book, and when I left, all the employees were lined up
down the hall pleading, 'Take me with you!'" Jon, "No, I read 'The
Bible' quite frequently. I need stuff to scare the kids before bed."
Chelsea Handler: "I've always liked baseball. At my
bat mitzvah the rabbi took me to 3rd base." John Caparulo on Bishop
Eddie Long: "If you're actively campaigning against gay sex you're
probably interested in gay sex."
Stephen Colbert: "DADT didn't get repealed. The
Congressmen thought the issue was too gay." "Because
has announced she'll only speak to local media. Luckily I have the
David Letterman: "Lindsay Lohan failed another drug
test. And this is an area where I thought by now she'd know something."
"On this day in 1954 Steve Allen retired from the 'Tonight Show.' And
when he retired he stayed retired." "In his book Woodward says Obama is
'distant and unemotional.' It's like I have a twin. Obama lacks the
warmth of, oh, say, a Dick Cheney." "A plane
landed on one wheel at Kennedy. What's the matter, the Hudson's not
good enough anymore? Then the pilot left the plane by grabbing 2 beers
and sliding down the chute. The landing gear malfunctioned. Sounds like
my wedding night."
Jay Leno: "It was 113 degrees in L.A. today. So hot
some women in Beverly Hills almost drank tap water. People were
sweating like Bishop Eddie Long at a Boy Scout jamboree." Jay showed a
police drawing of a suburban nude intruder, then showed a news clip of
a reporter on the street describing the event, and a man who looked
exactly like the police drawing drove past the reporter. "At the UN
Obama asked other nations to help track down extremists, and they said,
'The Tea Party is your problem.'" "Lindsay
Lohan just illustrated our strict policy of 3 strikes and you're out
... on bail." "The NFL is becoming very concerned about
concussions, so they're asking Cleveland Browns fans to quit beating
their heads against the wall." "A Montana woman beat away a bear attack
with a zucchini. She was attacked while she was in bed, and for some
reason she had a zucchini right there." Headlines: "Bisexual men
discriminated against for not being gay enough." "Take extra precautions with the elderly in heat."
Classified ad for an "assettling torch." A
man named "Au Fook Yew." Jay: "Can you imagine him being stopped by a
cop who says, 'What's your name?'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "It was 113 degrees in L.A. today. It
was so hot Matthew McConaughey took his chest off." "Sarah Palin was in
the audience of 'Dancing with the Stars.' Her daughter Bristol danced
to 'You Can't Hurry Love,' which I thought was a little odd, since she
had a baby out of wedlock. Last week she danced to "Mama Told Me Not to
Come.'" "The Octomom had a yard sale. I bought this turkey baster for
$2. Only used once." "The owner of Segway
died when his Segway ran off a cliff. It's like George Foreman grilling
himself to death."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama supports a longer
school year. Sasha and Malia support Sarah Palin." "Paris Hilton
settled her suit with Hallmark Cards for using her catchphrase 'That's
hot.' Also her catchphrase 'That's not mine. It belongs to a friend.'"
"Schedule changes on 18 NY subway lines were so confusing many people
gave up and peed in a bathroom."
Craig Ferguson: "It was 113 degrees in L.A., hottest
day on record. It was so hot David Beckham was hiring hookers just to
blow on him." "Conan O'Brien got bad news
today. Max Weinberg, his bandleader and drummer, isn't returning. Worse
yet, Jay Leno is taking drumming lessons." "Katy Perry's song
with Elmo on 'Sesame Street' was cut because she showed too much
cleavage. The show has been getting more adult though. Today 'C' was
for 'Colonoscopy.' I don't believe the rumors about Bert & Ernie
though, that Oscar isn't the only one who likes it in the can."
Tuesday, September 28
study found that women
apologize more than men. Not in my house."
"Israel has resume settlement construction on the West Bank. So hope of
peace survived for 3 weeks." John Oliver
suggested building time share units. "Neither side would bomb a house
if they're going to be living in it themselves in a few months. What's
disputed territory?" "Gas Hole:"
Aasif Mondvi reported on a shortage of helium. At the end of the show
Stephen Colbert invited Jon to his March to Keep Fear Alive Oct. 30,
and Jon said he was busy that day. Stephen: "It's never pretty when an
old maid plays hard to get."
Stephen Colbert: "Are
voters suffering from apathy? I don't care." "I always run on
the balls of my feet. That's right, even my feet have balls."
David Letterman: "It was
113 degrees in L.A. Gov. Schwarzenegger, walking on the hot sidewalk,
actually scorched his knuckles." It was so hot Sarah Palin was
happy to get a chilly reception at 'Dancing with the Stars.'" "When
that Delta plane landed on one wheel at Kennedy it was so scary it
sobered up the pilots." "Larry King is the new Betty White. He wants to
host 'Saturday Night Live.' It's #4 on his bucket list." "New York has the 2 best restrooms in North
America. One is in Bryant Park, and the other one is Central Park." "President
Could.'" "North Korea's Kim Jong
Il is stepping down for Kim Jong Jay." Showed photo of Jay Leno. Guest Jon Stewart on having kids: "The opportunity
to ruin someone from scratch." Dave: "Oprah gives her audience
trips. The audience leaves here with nothing but a bad taste in their
Jay Leno: "It's so hot even Republicans are
complaining about global warming." "Obama said students can't learn in
the current educational environment. Somebody forgot to tell the Asian
students." "The UN has appointed a Space
Alien Greeter. How does this make Mexicans feel?" "After that
scary landing at Kennedy Airport, Delta charged passengers a $25
seat-cleaning fee." "Have you seen that emergency bra. It becomes two
emergency respirators. Guys love it. They're safe, and she's topless."
"The MacArthur Genius Grants have been awarded, and once again the cast
of 'Jersey Shore' have been frozen out." "Lindsay Lohan will be out of
rehab in time for Oktoberfest."
Jimmy Kimmel guest Dane
Cook had to go straight from shooting a horror comedy to the third date
with a girl he really liked, so the make-up people cleaned the fake
blood off his face and chest. What he realized when his date took his
pants off was that the blood had dripped down and dried on his
genitals. So he yelled, "What did you do!?" Dane also said he
made a 7-person seesaw.
Jimmy Fallon: "'Dancing
with the Stars' was exciting. Sarah Palin was praying, 'Don't let her
fall,' and Bristol Palin was praying, 'Don't let her talk.'"
"The President of Iran says he's going on a trip to throw a rock at
Israel. Israel's new defense? Paper." "China has decided it's not
changing its 1-child policy. Their new hit TV show is 'Jon & Kate +
1 and That's It.'" "President Obama has
listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if
'Born in the USA' is on there." "Lindsay Lohan is in a new
rehab. As she went in she said, 'Keep the car running.'"
Craig Ferguson: "Christine
O'Donnell is against masturbation and also doesn't believe in
evolution. She says, 'Why aren't monkeys still evolving?' Because
they're too busy masturbating." "Kim Jong Il is transferring power to
his son Kim Jong Un, who is a Dictator Tot. Why are there all
these tiny tyrants? Kim Jong Il, Napoleon, Snooki. Kim Jong Il is like a Bond villain. They should
send Sean Connery in to deal with him. 'Hah, I've taken craps bigger
than you!'" Robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson: "In your pants."
Wednesday, September 29
for Christmas. If they're sold
out just buy a Ken doll and put a mushroom on his head."
"The murder rate is up in New York. I knew we'd bounce back." "Mayor
Bloomberg is on the show tonight to announce he's quitting politics to
become a rap artist." "Most Americans believe there was one Apostle
named Bashful, and the Last Supper featured unlimited salad and bread
sticks." "These days being Lindsay Lohan is
itself a parole violation." "Rahm Emanuel is leaving the White House
and wants to become Mayor of Chicago, where he'll report directly to
Jay Leno: "It was so hot Disneyland added a new Dwarf,
Sweaty." "Michael Bolton got the worst score in 'Dancing with the
Stars' history, so Kate Gosselin moves up a notch. Afghan President Karzai says he's afraid to live
in a world that would cast aside Michael Bolton." "The state of
New Jersey will now alert drivers to traffic jams ahead. How? Text
messages." "Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab, not Promises. This time
she's in Vague Assurances." "Justin Bieber says he hates fans
approaching him while he's eating. That makes sense. He has to climb
down from his high chair ..." "Friday was
Celebrate Bisexuality Day. Is that a good holiday? I could go either
way." "Exercise is good for the prostate. At the gym that's one
machine you want to towel off real good. And good luck finding a
spotter." In a fake interview with Kim Jong Il's apparent heir Kim Jong
Un, Jay asked if he was his father's favorite child. "No, that's Kim
Jimmy Kimmel: "The
polygamists on the reality show 'Sister Wives' may be arrested. To me
that show is the worst Cialis ad ever. 'Polygamists in Prison' may be
an even better show." Jimmy showed the YouTube viral video of
the Swiss Finance Minister overcome during a speech by a fit of giggle.
"We've translated what he said: 'The look on Elmo's face when he saw
Katy Perry's cleavage [see Sept. 25 above]. Poor little guy. Her
breasts are so big and he is so tiny. This is more a job for the Cookie
Monster. "Me like cookies and MILK!"'"
Jimmy Fallon: "41% of Americans don't know who the
Vice President is. Joe Biden said, 'Give me a hint.'" "Atheists know
more about organized religion than either Catholics or Protestants. An
atheist said, 'I can't believe it.'" "A Chicago newscaster was caught
picking her nose on camera. She said, 'This just out.'" "The Facebook movie, 'The Social Network,' opens
Fri. It’s about what 1 person can achieve…when they’re not distracted
Craig Ferguson: "Christine
O'Donnell says lust is a sin, and you can't masturbate without
lust. You can, but it's bleak. She may not believe in pleasuring
herself, but she did massage her resume. Yes! She said she went to Oxford, and she didn't. Which is
a shame, since the Oxford rugby team is the Fighting Masturbators,
because they always choke. I tell people I attended Yale, which
is a bar in Glasgow. Anyway, it turns out Christine did work a couple
of years ago as a publicist for Mel Gibson. Her duties were typing,
filing, and blaming stuff on the Jews." "The Washington press will let
little stuff slide, like saying you were born in Hawaii." Guest Steven Wright: "I have tattoos, but they're
on the other side of my skin, so you can't see them."
Thursday, September 30
a new ad to show what the company does. Isn't that what the
Jon Stewart: "Grill Interrupted, BBQ & A:
President Obama is holding meetings in peoples' backyards." Showed clip
of the homeowner warning, "Watch your step. There may be a fresh one."
Jon: "The most embarrassing thing, the guy didn't even own a dog."
Chelsea Handler: "A Tiger
Woods mistress is selling a
sex tape for $350,000." Arden Myrin: "I hope they have a golf
announcer. 'Tiger's approaching the vagina. Oh, he missed.'"
"A German man peed into an electric socket and closed down a nightclub.
Chuy, have you ever peed someplace you shouldn't?" Chuy: "Inside your
Stephen Colbert: "How accurate are polls? I'll
interrupt your dinner and ask you what you think." "If you're going to
Jon Stewart's Rally to Restore Sanity, you know what else is supposed
to restore sanity? A lobotomy. And Jon's bringing icepicks."
"Researchers have taught a robot to lie, probably telling whoever gave
them the grant that the research is worthwhile."
David Letterman: "The murder rate is up in NY. If you
get shot, be sure to get the slugs out before you get to the airport,
you'll set off the metal detectors. Every morning I blindfold myself
and practice disassembling and assembling my gun. I saw Lady Gaga on
Broadway wearing bulletproof meat." "Scientists
may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British
Petroleum. Today BP created a new Safety Division. Today. And
Custer hired a lookout." "Kim Jong Il is going to be succeeded by his
idiot son, Kim Jong W. Il. I hope the transfer of power works better
than Conan replacing Jay." "I don't think President Obama is wise to
hold events in people's backyards." Showed a clip of a sprinkler system
Jay Leno: "There's debate over whether the audience at
'Dancing with the Stars' was booing Sarah Palin or the judges. Turns
out they were still booing the Hoff from last week." "Lindsay Lohan is
in rehab again. It's like the Clippers going to training camp. What's
the use?" "Obama has the right idea. All politicians should have
meeting in backyards. Then you can take what they say and spread it on
the lawn." "President Obama said, 'Yes, I'm a Christian.' Fox News said
he admitted he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Mid-East."
"Obama had said if the stimulus bill passed Caterpillar would hire a
lot of Americans. They are hiring hundreds of workers, in China. And if
you call the White House to complain you get the hotline in India."
"Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation.
The band's against her. Usually you guys don't get political."
Bandleader Rickey Minor: "We're political now." Jay: "Anyway,
Republican Sen. Tom Coburn says she'll be able to combat the stupidity
in Washington, so I guess they're going to fight fire with fire." "A
Louisiana candidate has a TV ad featuring a hooker hired by his
opponent. Worse, it's a 2-minute ad, twice as long as the guy lasted."
"There's a shortage of a drug needed for executions. How bad is our
health system when our prisoners can't get the drugs they need to die."
"Ben & Jerry has had to drop 'all natural' from their labels. You
mean Chunky Monkey doesn't come direct from the earth?" Correspondemt Mikey Day reported on his time
travel to the past and future. Here he is watching his future self
being kissed in the Oval Office by President Palin.
Mikey Day time traveling.
Jimmy Kimmel: "There was a
new 'Jersey Shore' tonight.
You hate to see orange-on-orange violence, but Anita and Snooki got
a fight. Snooki's writing a novel. I think it's called 'Eat
Puke.'" "On the Discovery Channel's 'Deadliest Catch,' 3 of the
captains have quit. I guess they've caught everything. I think they
should do 'The Rehab Boat: The Celebritiest Catch with Dr. Drew,
Lindsay, Paris, Mel, the Hoff, etc."
Jimmy Fallon: "It's been raining all week in NY. Me
and my bedbugs have hardly left the house." "The effort to get those 33
trapped Chilean miners out is ahead of schedule. The miners said,
'Whose schedule?'" "A Senate bill requires TV stations to lower the
volume level on commercials. A hundred of the most powerful people in
the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does." "The Naked Cowboy from Times Square is running for
President in 2012 on a conservative platform. If you've seen him in his
underwear you know he leans right."
Craig Ferguson: "A man in London is suing because he
bought a loaf of bread and found a mouse baked into it. He said it was
so disgusting he could hardly finish his jellied eels and blood
pudding." "'The Flintstones' turned 50. They had the first eco-car,
powered by feet. The bigger the feet, the bigger the ride. Their theme
song ended, 'We'll have a gay old time.' That's when gay meant fun. Now
it means really fun. It's the show that proved men and dinosaurs
coexisted, before the dinosaurs were wiped out by a BP oil spill."
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