David Letterman

Stephen Colbert

Jimmy Kimmel

Conan O'Brien

Jimmy Fallon

Jay Leno

Jon Stewart

Craig Ferguson

Chelsea Handler

 Click for Late-Night Lineups and Info.

Wednesday, September 1 Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Mexican drug lord known as The Barbie has been arrested. Know who his cellmate is? Ken. Don't worry. Ken's not going to be able to do anything."

Thursday, September 2 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Hurricane reporters put condoms on their microphones to reduce the noise. That's why I wear them too."

Friday, September 3 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "The Situation has become so rich he wants to be known as The Scenario." 

Monday, September 6 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "It's the end of summer. Let your bikini area explode into its fall foliage."

Tuesday, September 7 Strangie to David Letterman: "My son went off to school carrying his Team Coco lunchbox."

Wednesday, September 8 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel, who  showed a clip of Yoko Ono wailing and moaning and said, "She's still got it."

Thursday, September 9 Strangie to David Letterman: "There's a photo of Madonna riding the F train. Why not? She's ridden everything else. Plus, she gets the senior citizen discount."

Friday, September 10 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Couples in China will soon be allowed to have a 2nd child, to work the night shift."

Monday, September 13 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Don't Ask Don't Tell took a hit when a judge ruled that gays must be allowed to serve in the Army of One [breaks into song] Singular Sensation."

Tuesday, September 14 Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "Ground Zero is a sacred site. How dare they build a house of worship there?"

Wednesday, September 15 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "That Delaware Tea Party woman wants to outlaw masturbation. Listen, you'll get my penis when you pry it out of my cold dead hands."

Thursday, September 16 Strangie to Jon Stewart guest Bill Clinton: "At that time Newt Gingrich had come out with his Contract on America."

Friday, September 17 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Finding a bargain can give the same excitement as sex. That's true. Women can shop all day and never be satisfied. Men, two minutes and they're out of there."

Monday, September 20 Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "A man with no arms and no legs has swum the English Channel. Boy, is he going to be pissed when he hears about the Chunnel train."

Tuesday, September 21 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Tiger Woods' #1 mistress bought a NYC condo for $2 million. She's going to fix it up and rent it out. Same thing she did with her body."

Wednesday, September 22 Strangie to David Letterman: "Paris Hilton was kept out of Japan. She couldn't make it through the mental detector."

Thursday, September 23 Strangie to David Letterman: "World leaders are assembled at the UN. That's why it's so hard to get a hooker." 

Friday, September 24 Strangie to Jay Leno: "'You Again' just opened. It's about a group of prisoners greeting Lindsay Lohan."

Saturday, September 25 Special "Saturday Night Live" Strangie to New York Governor Paterson: "You've poked so much fun at me for being blind that I forgot I was black."

Monday, September 27 Strangie to Stephen Colbert testifying before Congress: "I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want a tomato picked by an American, sliced by a Venezuelan, served by a Guatemalan, while I'm in a spa being given a Brazilian by a Chilean." 

Tuesday, September 28 Strangie to David Letterman: "A study found that women apologize more than men. Not in my house." 

Wednesday, September 29 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "There are two Justin Bieber dolls available for Christmas. If they're sold out just buy a Ken doll and put a mushroom on his head."

Thursday, September 30 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "Goldman Sachs has a new ad to show what the company does. Isn't that what the recession showed?"

Wednesday, September 1
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)

Thursday, September 2
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Hurricane reporters put condoms on their microphones to reduce the noise. That's why I wear them too."

Chelsea Handler: Ron McManus: "When I heard T.I. was arrested with Tiny I thought, 'What's Ryan Seacrest done now?"

David Letterman: "You can tell it's autumn. Halfway through last night's show the audience started to turn." "New York is infested with bedbugs. If you have any, make sure you have them spayed and neutered." "Our CBS cafeteria here got a C rating from the health department. Even the Mentalist couldn't tell what was in the chili." "The U.S. Open tennis tournament is starting here in New York. I like to listen to the Russian babes grunt." "Tom Selleck is back here on CBS in 'Blue Bloods,' about a cop whose mustache is wounded in the line of duty."

Jay Leno: "The wife of one of those trapped Chilean miners heard another woman calling his name. It turned out to be his mistress. Now he's piling up more rocks against the entrance. When he pokes his head out his wife is going to play Whack-a-Mole. However, both women have now been arrested for having sex with a miner." "I'm not sure why Paris Hilton was banned from Wynn Hotels, but I think we can rule out card counting." "President Obama has redecorated the Oval Office with furniture from Pier 1-Term."

Jimmy Fallon: "Fantasy Football is like Dungeons & Dragons for guys who beat up guys who play Dungeons & Dragons." "There's been the first gay wedding on an airplane. The crew were excited, but the right wing was against it." "Some guys were arrested in a store for stuffing video games in their pants. It's not easy. To do that you have to have a very small Wii." "A man was robbed of the $29,000 he won at an off-track betting parlor. He said it was tough to win and have nothing to show for it. The horses said, 'Yeah.'"

Craig Ferguson: "The guy who tried to ruin David Letterman is out of prison. Jay Leno was in prison?" "To be honest I didn't understand the hurricane report. I was lost in the eyes of Anderson Cooper. I'm not really gay. I just pretend I am to be funny. That's what I tell the male prostitutes."

.

Friday, September 3
(All but Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "The Situation has become so rich he wants to be known as The Scenario."

Jay Leno: "President Obama is looking for peace in the Middle East with a two-state solution. The states are denial and confusion." "The marijuana crop is up 35% this year in Mexico. Most Mexicans crossing the border now aren't looking for jobs; they're looking for snacks." "The Taliban have lost half their drug trade revenue since Paris Hilton got arrested." "BP says if they can't drill in the Gulf the $20 billion reparation money might not happen. How about we put them in prison til it happens?" "There's a new 70-mile traffic jam in China. Luckily it doesn't affect the work force, who are too young to drive."

Jimmy Fallon: "A New York judge has ruled that ladies' nights at bars are not sexist. He cited O'Malley's v. Sausagefest." "Mother Teresa is being honored with her likeness on a stamp. I'm not sure it's right to honor her by letting us lick her for fifty cents." "There's a new bra that makes your breasts look 10 years younger, which is fine unless you're 20 or 90."

Craig Ferguson: "There's another huge Chinese traffic jam. Here, when there are cars as far as the eye can see you're in Jay Leno's driveway." "Jerry Lewis says he wants to put Lindsay Lohan across his knee and spank her. Get in line, Grandpa."

Shane Mauss on Comedy Central: "I've been freakishly skinny all my life, because I have, like, a hole in my butt."

Monday, September 6
(All but Handler and Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "It's the end of summer. Let your bikini area explode into its fall foliage."

Chelsea Handler: Chelsea talked about the trapped miners in Chile whose wives and mistresses have met at the pit head. Ross Matthews: "It's a miner problem, but not a minor problem." Chelsea to guest Ne-Yo: "You're about to become a father. Do you know who the mother is?"

Jon Stewart rerun: "That's what we all have in common. That and masturbation."

Craig Ferguson: "It's Labor Day. Sit down and help yourself to a wiener. Give up that diet you've been saying you're going to go on." "It's the first day for medical marijuana ads on TV. And 30 seconds on 'Spongebob Squarepants' is expensive!" "The federal government has a new job site, and President Obama says he can't wait to try it out in a couple of years." "L.A. has been so hot a lot of people are getting boob jobs just for the shade." "Grover Cleveland started Labor Day in 1894. He announced it on 'Larry King Live.' You can't wear white after Labor Day, or assless chaps to the supermarket, or a sombrero in Arizona."

"Big Bang Theory:" Sheldon: "No, the X-Men were named after their leader Dr. Xavier. I'm Dr. Cooper, so you're the C-Men."

You'll never forget these zingy best-sellers about Swedish Lisbeth Salander, computer-hacker action heroine, and journalist Mikael Blomkvist.
. . .

Tuesday, September 7

Strangie to David Letterman: "My son went off to school carrying his Team Coco lunchbox."

Jon Stewart: "Obama went all Oprah on a $50 billion stimulus package. 'YOU get a hydroelectric dam, and YOU get a hydroelectric dam!" "Meet Pray Love:" Title of segment on Mid-east talks.

Stephen Colbert: "Tea for Tuesday."

David Letterman: "You put your kid on the school bus being driven by an ex-con." "I was on 'The View' today. Barbara Walters was back after having a new heart valve, and I think some transmission work. I was on the show to explain how I thought the cocaine in my purse was chewing gum." "The smoking baby has kicked the habit with one of those Fred Flintstone nicotine patches." "President Obama gave a Labor Day speech. He saw his shadow, so we'll have six more weeks of recession. He has a $50 billion plan to rebuild roads, railroads, his presidency ... We need it. Here in New York we have a pothole so big there are 33 miners trapped in it." "They're saying Sarah Palin is a poor tipper. On a big moose steak dinner for four she only tipped two pelts." Ellen read "Top 10 Things on Ellen DeGeneres' Mind: 8. For the last time, I'm not Jane Lynch. I'm the other one. 6. I never should have let Paris Hilton hold my purse. 1. Man, my wife's hot!"

Jay Leno: "The Jamie & Frank McCourt divorce case is getting ugly. They're fighting over ownership of the Dodgers. Neither of them wants the team." "Reggie Bush had to give up the Heisman Trophy, and an even bigger trophy, Kim Kardashian." "Did you see that speech where the Governor of Arizona had a brain freeze. She was so dumb she's eligible to run for Governor of Alaska." "Some kids are actually attending virtual school online. And when they graduate they have virtually no chance of getting a job." "The world's shortest man is a Colombian only 27 inches tall. He can fit into Paris Hilton's purse." Headlines: "Seniors: A Secret Source for Meat."

Jimmy Kimmel: "I had a terrible vacation. Craigslist pulled all my ads. My whole stable of women is out of work." "Paris Hilton thought the cocaine in her purse was gum. She's paying way too much for gum. Purses are for dogs, not drugs."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama has put a rug in the Oval Office with quotes from famous people, but Martin Luther King, Jr. did not say, 'My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.' I think that was Benjamin Franklin or maybe Franklin Roosevelt." "White House crasher Michaele Salahi is posing for 'Playboy' because no one asked her to." "A study found 40% of kids in New York are overweight or obese, while the other 60% are both." "A 106-year-old woman in Scotland says she's lived so long because she's a virgin. By now I think she qualifies as extra virgin." Guest Margaret Cho: "When I was 14 I told my mother I wanted to be a comedian, and she said, 'Maybe it better you just die.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Our warm-up comedian, the audience fluffer ..." "Larry King was asked about Lady Gaga, and he said, 'Poker Face? I hardly knew her.'" "Today is Brazilian Independence Day. Over half of Brazil is covered by forests, like Sean Connery. Scientists used to think the Amazon was virgin territory, untouched by man, but then they thought that about Ricky Martin too."

.

.

Wednesday, September 8

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel, who  showed a clip of Yoko Ono wailing and moaning and said, "She's still got it."

Jon Stewart to Stephen Colbert: "You're bringing a fart to a s**t fight." "Burn Without Reading:" Title of segment about Koran burner.

Stephen Colbert: The audience was troops who'd fought in Iraq. "Been There Won That: Iraq: the Returnification of the Ameri-Can-Do Troopscape."

David Letterman: "It's Fashion Week in New York, not that you'd know looking at you folks." "New York cab drivers are the rudest in the U.S. Today I was belittled, sworn at and spit on. Finally I left the house and hailed a cab." "The economy is so bad Johnson & Johnson had to lay off a Johnson." "President Obama's spending $50 billion to put in a new infrastructure. Worked for Regis." "The world's shortest man, 27" tall, is in New York with his wife Katie Holmes."

Jay Leno: "Obama picked Cleveland to deliver his economic plan because they have the Browns. They'll believe anything in September." "Ryan Air is doing away with copilots. The pilots are upset, because nobody likes to drink alone." "A White House reporter tweeted his own heart attack. Medics weren't concerned with saving his life. Obviously he had none." "That Indonesian kid has quit smoking, but now he's gained back the baby weight." "Women are going on trips to the locations Julia Roberts visited, so now it's 'Eat Pray Love Handles.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama wants to fix our roads, railways and runways. There's even a website where you can list your qualifications for working on the projects. Then another day of unemployment is behind you." "Joe Perry is threatening to find another lead singer for Aerosmith since Steven Tyler is going to be busy being a judge on 'American Idol.' Maybe Steven will find a new singer for him." Jimmy showed a great clip of that cruise ship hit by freak waves:

.

Jimmy Fallon: "Europeans now have to pay a $14 tourist tax to enter the U.S., plus $20 for each additional fanny pack and $100 for even saying the word Speedo." "Snooki was in court today. When they asked her to swear on the 'Bible' she said, 'Sure. F**king mother ..." "A man in Georgia was arrested for trading a gun for NASCAR tickets. Isn't the point of having a gun that you can just say, 'Give me your NASCAR tickets?'" "Thai Airlines found no bomb after a passenger wrote a bomb threat on a bathroom mirror. Though writing, 'I dropped a bomb' on a bathroom mirror could have just been an apology." "Congratulations to Mike Tyson and his wife who are expecting a baby boy. Mike looks forward to playing Got Your Ear with the baby." Guest Andy Haynes: "I like the morning-after pill they call Plan B. I call it Plan A. Plan C is a plane ticket to somewhere and a mustache." Today a guy said, 'You don't eat meat? Queer!' How mad's he going to be when he finds out what gay guys actually do?"

Craig Ferguson: "Happy Rosh Hashanah to our Jewish friends and Mel Gibson. Why mention Mel? It'll irritate him." "Men who are good dancers do better with women. But most men who are good dancers aren't interested in women." "The President's speech in Cleveland went very well until he asked, 'Where's LeBron?'" "I've been lying on my tax return for years. In that little box for occupation I put 'Entertainer.'"

Chelsea Handler: Dov Davidoff: "Maybe necrophiliacs just want to have sex with a woman who isn't talking." T.J. Miller: "I have a Rodney King joke that can't be beat."

.

Thursday, September 9

Strangie to David Letterman: "There's a photo of Madonna riding the F train. Why not? She's ridden everything else. Plus, she gets the senior citizen discount."

Jon Stewart: Guest Meghan McCain, John McCain's daughter, who's written "Dirty Sexy Politics:" "When the consultant tells you you look like a stripper and don't talk right, and you're hurting the campaign, and there's a pregnant teen sitting right there ..."

Stephen Colbert: "Again our audience is men and women who served in Iraq. We're giving them the highest honor this country can bestow, free T-shirts, made in Honduras."

David Letterman: "Autumn is here. This morning there was frost on the hookers in Times Square." "It's Fashion Week in NYC. All the supermodels have arrived in cardboard mailing tubes." "I'm wearing a real tie, but it's a clip-on suit." "Sheik Mohamed has lost 40 lbs. in prison through water boarding and wheat grass." "Oprah's leaving her show after 24 years. Thanks a lot, Leno."

Jay Leno: "Trump may buy that mosque property, which would solve the problem. Trump only worships himself." "Mike Tyson said his greatest regret was that he didn't smoke weed with Tupac. So his greatest regret isn't the felonies he committed but the misdemeanor he didn't." "The judge found Snooki guilty of drunk and disorderly and called her a Lindsay Lohan wanna be. A Lindsay Lohan Mini Me maybe. He sentenced her to two days' community service. She has to stay away from the community." "A Britney Spears bodyguard is suing her for sexual harassment, saying she repeatedly exposed herself to him. Didn't she do that to all of us? This should be a class-action suit."

Jimmy Kimmel: The Jewish writers were out, so he outsourced to India. They gave him the joke: "What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and Captain Crunch? Captain Crunch can get in a bowl." "A study finds overweight men make better lovers, lasting 7 minutes longer. Of course 6 of those minutes are spent looking for their penises."

Jimmy Fallon: "China is fining people $7 if they're caught smoking in public places. How are kids supposed to relax between shifts? Also, starting in 2011, some Chinese couples can have and keep a second child, whether it's a boy or a male." "Today is Col. Sanders' birthday. Fans celebrated by blowing out their arteries." "Chanel is offering an iPad case for $1,500. Why would you pay that much for  something so useless and then buy a cover for it?" "A poll found Levi Johnston less popular than John Edwards. Levi is disappointed in his numbers and doing whatever he can to knock them up."

Craig Ferguson: "A great day for fat guys. A study says they last longer in bed, though the bed itself doesn't last." "Scientists have invented a tractor beam, according to Fox News, which said Democrats have been using them to drag Mexicans into Arizona. It's only a matter of time until we figure out how to use the tractor beam for porn." 

Murder in the Pleasure Gardens by Rosemary Stevens

Friday, September 10
(All but Leno, Kimmel, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Couples in China will soon be allowed to have a 2nd child, to work the night shift."

Jay Leno: "Everyone watched the NFL opener. Even Raiders fans asked the warden to turn it on." "That minister says he's not going to burn the Qaran. He's just going to rip up a copy of 'The Watchtower.'" "The economy's so bad women in L.A. are telling their real age to get the AARP discount." "A Playboy Playmate tried to jump out of a plane. Fortunately, since she was a Playmate, she couldn't read the instructions on getting the door open." "A 400-lb. lion in a Vegas show attacked its trainer, probably to assert dominance. In Vegas that usually costs $300/hour."

Jimmy Kimmel: "That Florida minister was going to burn the Qaran, then he wasn't, then he was again. He's like the Brett Favre of book burning." "Scientists are studying what moves make men good dancers. It could lead to a cure for virginity." "Lindsay Lohan may go on 'Oprah.' I hope Oprah doesn't give her a car."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama wasn't wearing his wedding ring during his press conference, so that may be the 2nd-hardest speech he'll have to make this week." "Paper clips are like staples for people who can't commit." Guest Nathan Lane: "I had a bedbug infestation. One inappropriate sleepover and you're dead."

Craig Ferguson: "Thank you. I love a warm hand on my opening." "Sunday is Grandparents' Day, when we celebrate old folks, or as CBS calls it, sweeps. Old folks accuse the grandkids of not calling. Sometimes they do call, but the grandparents answer the blender. Remember, your grandparents won't be around for long, so you have a limited time to steal their pills."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "Sooki's boyfriend says he's been getting death threats, mostly from his doctor. 'If you have sex with Sooki, you'll die.'" "'The Soup' would like to wish a happy 163rd birthday to the outlaw Jesse James, the 2nd most unpopular Jesse James in American history."

Mo Mandel on Comedy Central: "All mariachi music sounds the same. It's like techno for people without electricity." "Other races steal music from white people too. Don't believe me? Does just about every rap song have the n-word?"

Murder in the Pleasure Gardens by Rosemary Stevens

Monday, September 13
(Letterman in reruns)

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Don't Ask Don't Tell took a hit when a judge ruled that gays must be allowed to serve in the Army of One [breaks into song] Singular Sensation."

Chelsea Handler: "At the VMAs I ran into Kanye West in the men's room. Sooki went as a traffic cone." Guy Branum on the VMAs: "I saw Cher in the 'Turn Back Time' outfit give Video of the Year to Lady Gaga dressed entirely in raw meat. I don't know why liking other men makes me love that, but it does." Chuy thought Jenny McCarthy did a great job hosting. [Chelsea hosted.]

Jay Leno: "I went into my local meat market yesterday morning, and there was Lady Gaga buying her outfit for the VMAs. Her designer was Oscar Mayer de la Renta." "At his press conference President Obama wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He spends a couple of hours with Tiger Woods ..." "A doctor says he can erase unhappy memories. Good news for Dodger fans." "A man watching TV shot himself in the leg. Good thing he wasn't watching 'Jersey Shore.' He'd have shot himself in the head." Headlines: Ad: "We fix comupters." "For sale: Hardley Davidson." "To rent: 1 br apt. No poets." "Tricycle for sale, training wheels included." "For sale: '93 Poontiac." Guest Bill Maher is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. "It's sort of humbling walking down the street and seeing all those stars on the sidewalk: Andy Dick, Lindsay Lohan ..." "We have a 1st Amendment, and if someone could just read it to Sarah Palin ..."

Jimmy Kimmel: "For me the start of the NFL season means the 'Dancing with the Stars' season is just around the corner." "Lady Gaga got 8 VMAs and wore a meat dress." [Showed clip of Lady Gaga getting attacked by dogs.] "On 'Jersey Shore' The Situation watches a couple having sex in the next bed while he eats a sandwich. This is like animals in the zoo." "Today was the first day of Oprah's last season, it says in 'The Bible.' She surprised her audience by burning a Quran. No, she's taking them all to Australia, where she'll release them into the Outback and hunt them down for sport. And John Travolta is going to pilot the plane. So America's chief national treasure and 300 other innocent people are in the hands of Vinnie Barbarino." "Here in California our current Robot Governor's hard drive died, so we have to elect another one. Also we're voting on whether to legalize marijuana, and that has people upset. Don't they realize most of the proposition's supporters will forget to vote?"

Jimmy Fallon: "I was so embarrassed last night when Lady Gaga and I showed up for the VMAs in the same meat dress." "The Jerry Springer Show turned 20 years old! Which means it’s now old enough to be a grandmother on The Jerry Springer Show." "A 27-year-old was arrested after posting on Facebook he was engaged to a 14-year-old. His relationship status: 'It’s Illegal.'” "LeBron James was wearing an Obama T-shirt. Remember when he was so popular? I know. Which one?" "After being arrested an a weapons charge, Spencer Pratt tweeted that Costa Rica has banned him from the country. In response, the U.S. was like 'Wait – you can do that?'”

Craig Ferguson: "The leader of the free world, Oprah, gave her premiere audience a free trip to Australia. Actually she's bringing Australia to her studio." Craig pointed to his robot sidekick. "That's what Lady Gaga looks like without the meat." "I had a wonderful time in San Francisco over the weekend. I did all the things San Francisco is known for. Well, not all the things. I met Al Catraz, and now I know why they call him The Rock. I barely escaped."   

Sunday's MTV Video Music Awards: Host Chelsea Handler had a run-in with Lindsay Lohan. Click for the clip. Chelsea came out as Lady Gaga. Click for the clip. Chelsea: "Imagine how good Justin Bieber's songs will be once he sees a vagina." Chelsea got into a hot tub with the cast of "Jersey Shore." When she emerged after the commercial she was visibly pregnant. Kim Kardashian: "When I was asked to introduce Justin Bieber I thought it was fantastic. Then I remembered the restraining order. So I'll introduce him from 51 feet away."

Here are 56% savings on a Samsung HD TV

Tuesday, September 14
(Letterman in reruns)

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "Ground Zero is a sacred site. How dare they build a house of worship there?"

Chelsea Handler: "J. Lo is getting $12 million to be a judge on 'American Idol.' It's the first time a Puerto Rican girl will be a judge instead of standing in front of one. But 'American Idol' without Paula Abdul is like drinking a martini without cocaine." "There's a Kim Kardashian sex doll, but by the time you blow it up you're too tired to have sex."

Stephen Colbert: "Our guest tonight has written a book about Bob Dylan. I can't wait to hear what he has to mumble." "Pissing off PETA is easy as pie, delicious kitten pie." "Ugh, veggie dogs have the parts of the veggie no one wants: lettuce hooves, turnip taints and soy anus." "Exactly. Burning a religious book and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it. It's a sign of disrespect to the patrons of the nearby New York Dolls Strip Club to have Muslims praying so close to their erections."

Jay Leno: "Steven Slater needs a good reason he shouldn't go to prison. He's a male flight attendant. They don't do well in prison." "Mexican drug lord El Grande has been arrested, along with his henchmen, Tall and Venti." "A man in Switzerland who was surrounded by a hundred policemen escaped. He used every tool on his Swiss Army Knife." "Kim Kardashian got Botox. When I think of her I don't think Botox. Buttox, yes."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Crime in the U.S. is down 5%. See what happens when you put Lindsay Lohan in jail?" "George Michael has been sentenced to 8 weeks in jail for running his car into a photo shop. Last year he ran into 3 parked cars. That's why his old band was called Wham. In jail he'll be surrounded by nothing but men, working out, showering. He'll be miserable." Guest Kathy Griffin: "My fans are called Griffters or Kath-eters."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama is going to release a fun, easy-to-read children’s book this November. Yeah, it’s for ages 'Biden and up.' It's based on 'The Little Engine that Could.' But instead of "I think I can. I think I can,' his goes, 'I thought I could. I thought I could.'" "Penelope Cruz & Javier Bardem are expecting a baby! They said they don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's sexy." "The Vatican Library is reopening after renovations. It's a place to use the Vatican's favorite word, 'Shh!'" "Asian American students have the highest academic scores. Second are the students who sit directly behind them."

Craig Ferguson: "George Michael has been sentenced to 8 weeks in jail. He's appealing for a longer sentence." "Australian scientists have discovered that bats have regional accents. I've always wondered. The fastest-chirping bats are in Central Australia. The noisiest are in South Australia, and the quietest bats are in the Dodgers' lineup. If you have a bat in your house you should open all the doors and windows until it leaves. I try that with Regis, but it doesn't work."

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "That Delaware Tea Party woman wants to outlaw masturbation. Listen, you'll get my penis when you pry it out of my cold dead hands."

Jon Stewart: "Tea Party Primary: Beyond the Palin:" Jon showed a clip of an inane statement made by the Tea Party winner in Delaware: "Ah, the Palin is strong in her."

Chelsea Handler: Jeff Wild: "Fat guys lasting longer at sex is like having your pie and eating it too." Chelsea asked Chuy how long he lasts in bed. Chuy: "I try to get at least 8 hours." Jeff Wild: "We should send Kate Gosselin to that Chilean mine. She's good at pulling bodies out of a dark hole."

Stephen Colbert: "Libertea: Tea Party Wins Primaries:" "It's the happiest angry they've ever been." "It's the Jewish High Holidays, which means, I think, that I get to go to a Chinese restaurant. For Jewish New Year I go to Times Square to watch the foreskin drop." "The new 'Halo' game was released today, so I assume you're not watching this." "The Delaware Tea Party winner said masturbation was adultery. I know this is terrible news for my home audience, many of whom are commiting adultery right now. Just marry your hand. 'I now pronounce you man and hand.'"

Jay Leno: "That American hiker has been freed by Iran, but I don't think she learned her lesson. Now she's white water rafting in Afghanistan." "That Tea Party winner in Delaware came out against masturbation. Not only is she against politicians putting their hands in our pockets, she's against them putting their hands in their own pockets." "Nancy Pelosi is angry that her opponent depicted her as the Wicked Witch of the West. Also angry, the Wicked Witch of the West." "President Obama has written a new children's book: 'James & the Giant Bailout.'" "There was a bomb threat at the Eiffel Tower. I'm not saying who called the threat in, but he said, 'After it's gone can we put a mosque there?'" "For the first time Bing had more hits than Yahoo. Know where I heard it? Google." "Californians are split on legalizing marijuana. Half are against it, and half are going, 'It's illegal?'" "A doctor has found a method for erasing unpleasant memories. Unfortunately he can't remember what it is." "You saw that female sportscaster who said she was harassed? The football players said, 'Harassed? Is that one word or two.'" "Kim Kardashian had a bad reaction to Botox, and her eyes were black and blue. Usually that only happens when she's jogging." "Under her meat dress Lady Gaga had a gristle thong." "Remember the Air Guitar Championship? In Brooklyn they had the Air Sex Championship, where you simulate sex with an imaginary partner, or as I called it, high school."

Jimmy Kimmel:  Jimmy ran Lady Gaga's new fragrance commercial"

.

Jimmy Fallon. "Heidi and Spencer's divorce is on hold. Both still want it, but neither can spell irreconcilable differences." "You're not going to be allowed to smoke outdoors in New York parks. What do you do after you've had sex?" "It's Mexico's 200th birthday, and they celebrated at their favorite spot. Here." Click to watch the entire audience do the masturbatory Shake Weights together.

Craig Ferguson: "A great day for the Tea Party, but the lady who won in Delaware is against masturbation. If she wants to win in November she may have to change her position. Tweak it a little." "I got this suit from Bob Barker. It has moth balls in the pockets. I hope they're moth balls. He always wanted to neuter animals." "Kate Middleton is on 'People's' best-dressed list. She's Prince William's girlfriend and may be Queen of England someday, after Elton John retires."

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

Thursday, September 16
(Letterman in reruns)

Strangie to Jon Stewart guest Bill Clinton: "At that time Newt Gingrich had come out with his Contract on America."

Jon Stewart: "Benny & the Brits: Pope visits England." Jon made the big announcement he's been promising for a week. Saturday, 10/30/10, he'll have a big Rally to Restore Sanity on the Mall in Washington, D.C. Sample signs: "I disagree with you, but I'm pretty sure you're not Hitler." "9/11 was an outside job." "I'm not afraid of Muslims, Tea Partiers, gays or gun owners, but I am sort of scared of spiders." Guest Bill Clinton: "I wanted to do the wedding like Chelsea wanted, and it's my contribution to the economic stimulus."

Stephen Colbert announced on 10/30/10 on the Mall in D.C. he'll have a big March to Keep Fear Alive: Freakout for Freedom" "Bedbugs have increased 500% this year. They're tiny vampires, and can tiny sexy werewolves be far behind?"

Chelsea Handler: "Getting arrested in a swimming suit is poor planning. When I swim drunk I'm always fully dressed." "Chuy, would you have sex with Sam or Lindsay?" Chuy: "The one without the penis."

Jay Leno: "That Tea Party woman in Delaware wants to outlaw masturbation. And you thought the war on drugs was unwinnable. Once that curtain is closed it's none of her business what I do in the voting booth. I'll pull whatever lever I want." "IHOP is suing the International House of Prayer for trademark infringement, so they're changing to Kentucky Fried Christians." "Kim Kardashian was seen buying a home pregnancy test. Oh, that Justin Bieber."

Jimmy Kimmel showed a video of the opponent of the Delaware Tea Party lady who wants to outlaw masturbation.

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

Friday, September 17
(All but Leno, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns)

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Finding a bargain can give the same excitement as sex. That's true. Women can shop all day and never be satisfied. Men, two minutes and they're out of there."

Jay Leno: "Parents are going to cut back on Halloween costume expense this year by just taping cell phones to their kids' ankles and sending them out as Lindsay Lohan, who, by the way, just tested positive for Paris Hilton's gum." "The economy's so bad Lady Gaga's wearing leftovers." "A medical marijuana dispensary in California is offering marijuana-infused ice cream. Cut out the middleman. Their cracksicles did so well."  Jay and Jim Norton gave audience members love advice. Jim: "Normally when a girl breaks up with me it's through the legal system. And I break up with a girl the old fashioned way. I sleep with her sister." Woman: "My husband gets me to have sex by saying it's a workout, but he's not losing weight. Am I being duped?" Jay: "Yes. No workout lasts only two minutes." Jim: "Congratulations, Jay. You've doubled your time." Guest Joel McHale about Betty White being on "Community:" "She was very sensual in her sex scenes with me."

Jimmy Fallon: "Ryan Seacrest will announce the three new 'American Idol' judges. Then he'll announce the three remaining viewers." "A survey found only 25% of women are satisfied with their sex life. Although up to half those women may have faked their answer." "NY Gov. candidate Carl Paladino said Manhattan has smug, self-important, pampered elitists. God, he sounds just like my butler." "Joaquin Phoenix revealed his two years of acting crazy was just performance art for a movie. Mel Gibson said, 'Uh, yeah, me too.'" "Paris Hilton bought 20 rabbits that were going to be fed to snakes. Then the snakes saved the rabbits from being adopted by Paris Hilton." Guest Will Arnett: "My wife said, 'I wish you would just talk to me like I was one of your friends.' So I said, 'You're right. Dude, my wife's driving me crazy.'" Jimmy challenged Will to an athletic contest, and Will said, "Yeah, let's go. I can try out my new hip."

Craig Ferguson: "A man in Texas has created deep-fried beer. And here I am stuck in this tofu hell L.A." "There's a new movie called 'Devil' about five people stuck in an elevator. I can't believe they passed up the chance to name it 'Hellevator.'" "Kids today don't want to learn anything in movies, except maybe that vampires have feelings too."

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

Monday, September 20

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "A man with no arms and no legs has swum the English Channel. Boy, is he going to be pissed when he hears about the Chunnel train."

Jon Stewart: See rallytorestoresanity.com or follow on Twitter @rally4sanity "Working Stiffed:" Assif Mondvi interviewed the pickets who were picketing Wal-Mart for paying minimum wage with no benefits and giving no say in hours of work. It turned out the pickets had been hired by the union from a temp agency and were receiving minimum wage with no benefits, and had had their hours arbitrarily reduced. The union rep had said, "A lot of companies are imitating Wal-Mart." Assif: "Is one of those companies your union?"

Chelsea Handler: Heather "Long Boobs" McDonald: "Paris and Lindsay should do a show 'Keeping Up with Probation.'"

Stephen Colbert: "By the Dawn's Early Fright:" Stephen's having a March to Keep Fear Alive in D.C. 10/30/10. On Tea Partier Christine O'Donnell: "She believes masturbation is adultery, and she's single, guys. It's awful. People like Bill Maher are smearing her with words that she said." Showed clip of her on Maher's show saying she'd dabbled in witchcraft. "So she was a little Beelzebubcurious. I'm sure she's not a witch. We'll have her on the show, bind her hands and feet and throw her in a tank of water and see."

David Letterman: "'Dancing with the Stars' is back. I've invited a few friends to come over and watch and try to figure out who the stars are." "Turns out Christine O'Donnell, who's against masturbation, is a practicing witch. She'll be the first one in Washington since Barbara Bush. No, Mrs. Bush is a lovely woman, and the Quaker Oats guy. Christine looks a lot like Sarah Palin, so more work for Tina Fey."

Jay Leno: "Christine O'Donnell is against masturbation. She's out of touch with voters who are in touch with themselves. On Bill Maher's show she admitted dabbling in witchcraft. So she's pro dabbling, anti diddling. Sarah Palin had better watch out. Christine's younger, hotter and crazier." "When the Pope and the Queen of England met they both blurted out the same thing: 'Nice hat.'" Headlines: Brochure: "Proceeds will be used to cripple children." "Trail of Cheetos leads to snack thief." "Man Stole Sex Offender's Identity." Grocery ad: "Parkay Spread Maxi-Pads." Jay: "It's not butter!" Cleaning service ad: "Our maids are licensed, boned and insured."

Jimmy Kimmel: "On 'Dancing with the Stars,' hopefully The Situation will get Bristol Palin pregnant. Every year I pick the winner, and I'm usually right. They call me Notradancemus. Margaret Cho is the 1st bisexual contestant since Adam Carolla in 1997." "Christine O'Donnell has limited her base to Satanists who oppose masturbation." "Lindsay Lohan failed another drug test. Maybe that's what she meant by 'being more positive.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Lindsay Lohan is probably going to be sentenced to 30 days in jail. That could be like 6 days in jail." "Traffic was tied up in NY for the UN General Assembly. You couldn't get anywhere or do anything. It was like being in the UN." "Facebook was coming out with a cell phone, but you could only call friends you barely remembered from high school. Actually Facebook denied the rumor it made a phone. To avoid weirdness, they just accepted the rumor, then deleted it a few days later."

Craig Ferguson: "Christine O'Donnell is against masturbation, gay rights and all the other things I hold dear. And she's probably a witch. Sarah Palin says the media is trying to destroy Christine. Nonsense. If that were true we'd just toss water on her." "'Hawaii Five-O' premiered tonight. How does CBS come up with these brilliant fresh ideas? Look at this promo picture. The guys get bulletproof vests and the lady gets a little waistcoat." "I've never been to Brazil, but I've enjoyed many of your fine products, like coffee and transvestites." Guest: "You perk up with any mention of sex, breasts, penises, transvestites. Where would you be without that?" Craig: "Primetime."

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

Tuesday, September 21

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Tiger Woods' #1 mistress bought a NYC condo for $2 million. She's going to fix it up and rent it out. Same thing she did with her body."

Jon Stewart: In a town hall meeting a guy asked President Obama when he was going to "stop whacking the Wall Street pinata." Jon: "When the candy comes out?" "Our Rally for Sanity is not going to be a masturbation contest." Larry Wilmore: "Well, if you don't want one to break out you'd better plan something." Jon: "Betty White was on our show. She was charming, wonderful. I cut to commercial, and she snarled, 'I'll cut you, Jon.'" "Our new book 'Earth: The Book' is out, and I give you permission to buy and burn as many copies as you want."

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

Wednesday, September 22

Strangie to David Letterman: "Paris Hilton was kept out of Japan. She couldn't make it through the mental detector."

Chelsea Handler: "There are rumors that Ashton cheated on Demi. If they split up. where will Bruce Willis go for a weird-ass Christmas?" "Because of her drug conviction Paris Hilton was denied entry to Japan, so now Hello Kitty is the only over-publicized pussy in that country."

Stephen Colbert: "First Do No Farm: Is agriculture something Americans will do? I don't know. Do cornfields have wi-fi?" "Media vultures are circling Christine O'Donnell the way she used to circle anyone with a video camera."

David Letterman: "Christine O'Donnell said she once had a date on a Satanic altar, but who hasn't? Then they went to a Motel 666." "The Hoff was voted off 'Dancing with the Stars.' He danced like he was taking a sobriety test. I think he was confused. He kept trying to buy a vowel." "On the premiere of 'Hawaii Five-0' the cops looked around and came up with Obama's birth certificate." "Economists say the recession is over. Is it really over, or is the economy just pulling a Leno?" "The world's oldest man turned 114 today. If you want to buy him a present, hurry. He lives at home with his parents." "Those Chilean miners are still trapped, like you people." Dave showed a clip of the miners putting on an amateur production of "Oklahoma."

Jay Leno: "Well, it's Tokyo 1, Paris Hilton 0. She was detained for 6 hours for questioning, which was 5 hours longer that she was detained for the actual drug bust." "The economy's so bad Where's Waldo is hiding from his creditors." "Delaware's Christine O'Donnell is against masturbation, so the hand lotion companies are supporting her opponent." "Beer companies are opposing legalization of marijuana. Oddly, both sides have the same slogan: 'This Bud's for You.'" "About 1 in 6 newlyweds met online. The other 5 are missing, presumed dead." "A high school bowling instructor was arrested for having sex with a female student. He's being charged under a tough 3 strikes law." "'Dancing with the Stars' booted off the Hoff. He's a pretty bad dancer. He should stick to bad acting." Jay put his fake questions in a taped interview with Christine O'Donnell: "I understand that in a Satanic ritual you even disemboweled a classmate." Christine: "Who hasn't done some questionable things in high school?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "One of the new 'American Idol' judges is Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. I don't see him making it past the Senate confirmation hearing." "How can Japan deny entry to Paris Hilton, who's done nothing but welcome it?" "An ingredient in marine paint is making snails grow penises on their foreheads. Could be the biggest thing to hit the pharmaceutical industry since Viagra. 'Give yourself a head start.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "The Hoff was voted off 'Dancing with the Stars,' but he's used to people telling him to get off the floor." "Spencer Pratt posted a video of himself shaving off his beard. Warning: if you watch it, you can never get that time back." "On Nov. 9 Susan Boyle releases her new album 'The Gift.' The 1st track is 'Keep the Receipt.'" "Plane tix on Thanksgiving cost 10% more this year. But lying to your relatives & saying you're too sick to make it? Still free."

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

Thursday, September 23

Strangie to David Letterman: "World leaders are assembled at the UN. That's why it's so hard to get a hooker."

Jon Stewart: "International House of Handshakes: The 65th session of the UN was led off by the Secret Ambassador from Kenya, Barack Obama." "The Republicans issued their Pledge to America, supposed to be full of new ideas. It's all the old ideas. It's like we broke up with them, they spent 2 years soul searching, and they said, 'We're still going to try to f**k your sister every chance we get. That's who we are.'"

Chelsea Handler: "On 'American Idol' Steven Tyler can wear Ellen's old wardrobe. There are only 3 judges, because they need room for Steven's lips, J. Lo's ass and Randy's penis."

Stephen Colbert: "Farming really is backbreaking work. And I apologize to the man I ran over with my tractor."

David Letterman: "I was up late last night watching 'Dick Clark's Rocking Autumnal Equinox." "At the UN President Obama spoke on foreign relations and admitted he's dabbled in witchcraft. In Delaware they're running a witch for Congress. She promises to cast a spell on health care. The Republicans claim Obama is not an American, and then they run a witch for Congress." "The Iranian President was on Larry King, who thought he was interviewing Paul Anka."

Jay Leno: "Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinenutjob is here at the UN. He flies to America free, because he's so little he fits into the overhead bin." "Obama's top economic adviser is stepping down. Evidently he was out of bad ideas." "Blockbuster has filed for bankruptcy, so if you rented a video, keep it." "The unemployed are getting money by raising pot. So now we really do have chronic unemployment." "The economy's so bad the Brawny Paper Towel guy has gone back to gay porn." "A waitress flew from Washington to Chicago to have sex with Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. I can't get the waitress to bring me a second cup of coffee." "What do UCLA, a Mensa meeting and Japan have in common? They're all places Paris Hilton can't get into. Japan wouldn't let her in. So, counting math, that's two areas in which Japan is smarter that we are." "The world's oldest man spent his 114th birthday throwing passes to his Viking teammates." "That woman who claimed someone threw acid on her admitted she threw it on herself. She ruined her own face, just like Heidi Montag." "Elderly men whose wives have died are more likely to get STDs, to which their dead wives say, 'Good!'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "It's the Feast of St. Gennaro is going on her in LA. All the profit goes to charity, and all the food goes to obesity." "Blockbuster has had to file for bankruptcy because no one would rewind." "Bedbugs are back in a big way. I always thought bedbugs were imaginary, like Eskimos. But they're real, and, like Eskimos, they bite." "The Octomom can't pay her mortgage. Who knew you could get a mortgage on a shoe?" So Jimmy had her and all her kids working on his show. "'Sesame Street' has pulled a video of Katy Perry singing with Elmo because her outfit was too skimpy. Meanwhile, most of the Muppets are are totally naked all the time."

Jimmy Fallon: "Sarah Palin announced she'll run for President if no one else steps up. Which is why everyone in America announced they're running." "Justin Bieber made his acting debut on “CSI.” In the episode, Justin is forced to investigate a very suspicious arrival—pubes." "J. Lo is getting $12 million on 'American Idol,' and Steven Tyler is getting $18 million, while Randy gets to sit next to them." "On 'Sesame Street' Katy Perry's dress was so sexy Elmo started tickling himself." "Scientists have discovered a dinosaur with many horns, the horniest dinosaur ever. Larry King said, 'Well, I had a good run.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Bruce Springsteen is 61, so he's having to update some of his songs, like 'Baby, We Were Born to Shuffle.'" "Because of lack of visitors the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas is closing. Also the Mel Gibson Museum of Tolerance and the Arizona Museum of Mexican History. Liberace was the Steven Tyler of his day. No, more macho. The Lady Gaga of his day. I go to his museum to get ideas for outfits. There are rumors he may have been gay. In the 1950s Liberace sued a British newspaper for implying he was gay. AND HE WON! That newspaper must have had the worst lawyer in the world. He couldn't even say, 'Exhibit A, Your Honor, Liberace.'"

"30 Rock:" Jack: "The Harry Potter Theme Park is a big hit with both Anglophiles and pedophiles." Writer: "This morning I made love to my wife, and she was still asleep, so I didn't have to be gentle." Jenna: "I realized I'm not necessary. Last time I said that I was in a 3-way with 2 Backstreet Boys."

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

Friday, September 24
(Stewart & Colbert off, Handler in reruns)

Strangie to Jay Leno: "'You Again' just opened. It's about a group of prisoners greeting Lindsay Lohan."

David Letterman: "It's autumn in New York. The hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are wearing tweed and using flannel condoms." "Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed smoking in Central Park. Murder's still OK." "Tom Selleck's in a new cop show. CBS: expect the expected." "Those Chilean miners are stuck down there for months. But think of the overtime they're raking in." "Sarah Palin was interested in running for President, but then she found out it was a 4-year gig."

Jay Leno: "Lindsay Lohan's back in jail. Listen, ask any actress in L.A. It's not easy getting a callback." "'Forbes' has listed the richest Americans. Bill Gate is #1, and Tiger's wife is #2." "Obama has dropped so far in the polls that Muslims are claiming he's a Christian." "A man carried out the first flight in a human-powered plane. Wait till Southwest gets ahold of this." "Facebook had a problem where people couldn't log on. You know what you call Facebook with nobody on it? MySpace." "There's a new bra that doubles as an asthma inhaler. When your wife finds it in the car you can say, 'Honey, that's for emergencies.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Lindsay Lohan's gone straight to jail until her next hearing Oct. 22, which gives her almost no time to find a Halloween costume." Jimmy showed Celebrity Avenger Jake Byrd at the Lohan hearing wearing a t-shirt "Linnocent," carrying a sign "Just Say Lo," and yelling, "They're picking on her because she's a ginger who does cocaine."

Jimmy Fallon: "On 'Dancing with the Stars' Bristol Palin is denying that she's dating The Situation. If he visited the Palins he'd have the most normal male name in the household." "Facebook went down yesterday, and I had to walk around in person going, 'Like. Like. It's complicated.'" "Apparently in May Mel Gibson paid his girlfriend $15 million to destroy all tapes. Now he just has to erase the internet, hard drives and everyone's memories." "President Obama will host his 3rd state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. We don't know who'll attend. It depends on Hu's Jintown." "PETA will be celebrating its 30th birthday with a game of Appreciate the Tail on the Donkey."

Craig Ferguson: "Italy is going to stop using those airport scanners that make you look nude after protests from women who don't want you to see their Naples." "Actress Kelly McGillis just married her girlfriend. The star of 'Top Gun' is gay!? And so is Kelly McGillis. It's a joke, lawyers." "'Legend of the Guardians' is out today. Owls in 3-D, bitch! It's like they're diving right at you. If I want that I'll glue a mouse to my forehead. It's from a children's book, but not one of those celebrity ones, like Jay Leno's 'Goodnight, Conan.' Owls have giant heads and little bodies and vomit out furry pellets, just like the cast of 'Desperate Housewives.' The celebrity who looks most like an owl is Larry King. 'Whoston, you're on the air.' The movie of 'Winnie the Pooh' comes out next summer, and I play Owl. I'm glad I didn't get cast as Pooh." Robot sidekick Geoff Peterson: "In your pants!" Craig: "If owls weren't wise we'd be eating buckets of them at KFO."

.

Saturday, September 25, "Saturday Night Live"

Strangie to New York Governor Paterson: "You've poked so much fun at me for being blind that I forgot I was black."

Host Amy Poehler: "Since leaving 'Saturday Night Live' I've had two beautiful boys: Nick Jonas and Taylor Lautner, to whom I say you're welcome. I also had two babies, and I hope you won't tell them about the beautiful boys." "I'm this close to moving to France, except I don't speak the language and I hate the people." "There was a meeting of North Korean officials to choose a successor to ailing Kim Jong Il. The leading candidate: Kim Jong Not Il." "Gay couples can now adopt, so look for a rash of Chinese girls named Liza." "Here's a picture of dogs surfing, or as sharks call it, Thanksgiving."

Seth Meyers: "Can't we leave New Jersey out of this?" NY Gov. Paterson: "That's what the framers of the Constitution should have said."

"Sesame Street" cut Katy Perry's song with Elmo on grounds of cleavage. Katy wore Elmo for "Saturday Night Live."

 

Monday, September 27

Strangie to Stephen Colbert testifying before Congress: "I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want a tomato picked by an American, sliced by a Venezuelan, served by a Guatemalan, while I'm in a spa being given a Brazilian by a Chilean."

Jon Stewart: "Friday 'comedian' Stephen Colbert ruined Congress." Jon showed clips of Congressmen livid that ten minutes of their time had been wasted by Colbert's actually reasonable testimony on agriculture, and then showed clips of all the other time-wasting Congress had done last week. Clip of Colbert testimony: "I know to some people that's offensive. To some people 'corn packer' is a derogatory term for a gay Iowan, so I'll say 'man husker.'" The Congresspersons sat stony faced. The only laugh came on Stephen's last line: "I trust that when I leave you'll work together for what's good for the country, like you always do." Jon's guest Bill O'Reilly, plugging his book "Pinheads & Patriots." Jon: "I was at Fox News, the Temple of Mordor, to promote my own book, and when I left, all the employees were lined up down the hall pleading, 'Take me with you!'" Jon, "No, I read 'The Bible' quite frequently. I need stuff to scare the kids before bed."

Chelsea Handler: "I've always liked baseball. At my bat mitzvah the rabbi took me to 3rd base." John Caparulo on Bishop Eddie Long: "If you're actively campaigning against gay sex you're probably interested in gay sex." 

Stephen Colbert: "DADT didn't get repealed. The Congressmen thought the issue was too gay." "Because the national media have made so much fun of her, Christine O'Donnell has announced she'll only speak to local media. Luckily I have the 'Delawert Report.'"

David Letterman: "Lindsay Lohan failed another drug test. And this is an area where I thought by now she'd know something." "On this day in 1954 Steve Allen retired from the 'Tonight Show.' And when he retired he stayed retired." "In his book Woodward says Obama is 'distant and unemotional.' It's like I have a twin. Obama lacks the warmth of, oh, say, a Dick Cheney." "A plane landed on one wheel at Kennedy. What's the matter, the Hudson's not good enough anymore? Then the pilot left the plane by grabbing 2 beers and sliding down the chute. The landing gear malfunctioned. Sounds like my wedding night."

Jay Leno: "It was 113 degrees in L.A. today. So hot some women in Beverly Hills almost drank tap water. People were sweating like Bishop Eddie Long at a Boy Scout jamboree." Jay showed a police drawing of a suburban nude intruder, then showed a news clip of a reporter on the street describing the event, and a man who looked exactly like the police drawing drove past the reporter. "At the UN Obama asked other nations to help track down extremists, and they said, 'The Tea Party is your problem.'" "Lindsay Lohan just illustrated our strict policy of 3 strikes and you're out ... on bail." "The NFL is becoming very concerned about concussions, so they're asking Cleveland Browns fans to quit beating their heads against the wall." "A Montana woman beat away a bear attack with a zucchini. She was attacked while she was in bed, and for some reason she had a zucchini right there." Headlines: "Bisexual men discriminated against for not being gay enough." "Take extra precautions with the elderly in heat." Classified ad for an "assettling torch." A man named "Au Fook Yew." Jay: "Can you imagine him being stopped by a cop who says, 'What's your name?'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "It was 113 degrees in L.A. today. It was so hot Matthew McConaughey took his chest off." "Sarah Palin was in the audience of 'Dancing with the Stars.' Her daughter Bristol danced to 'You Can't Hurry Love,' which I thought was a little odd, since she had a baby out of wedlock. Last week she danced to "Mama Told Me Not to Come.'" "The Octomom had a yard sale. I bought this turkey baster for $2. Only used once." "The owner of Segway died when his Segway ran off a cliff. It's like George Foreman grilling himself to death."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama supports a longer school year. Sasha and Malia support Sarah Palin." "Paris Hilton settled her suit with Hallmark Cards for using her catchphrase 'That's hot.' Also her catchphrase 'That's not mine. It belongs to a friend.'" "Schedule changes on 18 NY subway lines were so confusing many people gave up and peed in a bathroom."

Craig Ferguson: "It was 113 degrees in L.A., hottest day on record. It was so hot David Beckham was hiring hookers just to blow on him." "Conan O'Brien got bad news today. Max Weinberg, his bandleader and drummer, isn't returning. Worse yet, Jay Leno is taking drumming lessons." "Katy Perry's song with Elmo on 'Sesame Street' was cut because she showed too much cleavage. The show has been getting more adult though. Today 'C' was for 'Colonoscopy.' I don't believe the rumors about Bert & Ernie though, that Oscar isn't the only one who likes it in the can."

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

Tuesday, September 28

Strangie to David Letterman: "A study found that women apologize more than men. Not in my house."

Jon Stewart: "Israel has resume settlement construction on the West Bank. So hope of peace survived for 3 weeks." John Oliver suggested building time share units. "Neither side would bomb a house if they're going to be living in it themselves in a few months. What's it going to take, Jon, to put you in a disputed territory?" "Gas Hole:" Aasif Mondvi reported on a shortage of helium. At the end of the show Stephen Colbert invited Jon to his March to Keep Fear Alive Oct. 30, and Jon said he was busy that day. Stephen: "It's never pretty when an old maid plays hard to get."

Stephen Colbert: "Are voters suffering from apathy? I don't care." "I always run on the balls of my feet. That's right, even my feet have balls."

David Letterman: "It was 113 degrees in L.A. Gov. Schwarzenegger, walking on the hot sidewalk, actually scorched his knuckles." It was so hot Sarah Palin was happy to get a chilly reception at 'Dancing with the Stars.'" "When that Delta plane landed on one wheel at Kennedy it was so scary it sobered up the pilots." "Larry King is the new Betty White. He wants to host 'Saturday Night Live.' It's #4 on his bucket list." "New York has the 2 best restrooms in North America. One is in Bryant Park, and the other one is Central Park." "President Obama has written a children's book: 'The One-Term Engine That Could.'" "North Korea's Kim Jong Il is stepping down for Kim Jong Jay." Showed photo of Jay Leno. Guest Jon Stewart on having kids: "The opportunity to ruin someone from scratch." Dave: "Oprah gives her audience trips. The audience leaves here with nothing but a bad taste in their mouths."

Jay Leno: "It's so hot even Republicans are complaining about global warming." "Obama said students can't learn in the current educational environment. Somebody forgot to tell the Asian students." "The UN has appointed a Space Alien Greeter. How does this make Mexicans feel?" "After that scary landing at Kennedy Airport, Delta charged passengers a $25 seat-cleaning fee." "Have you seen that emergency bra. It becomes two emergency respirators. Guys love it. They're safe, and she's topless." "The MacArthur Genius Grants have been awarded, and once again the cast of 'Jersey Shore' have been frozen out." "Lindsay Lohan will be out of rehab in time for Oktoberfest."

Jimmy Kimmel guest Dane Cook had to go straight from shooting a horror comedy to the third date with a girl he really liked, so the make-up people cleaned the fake blood off his face and chest. What he realized when his date took his pants off was that the blood had dripped down and dried on his genitals. So he yelled, "What did you do!?" Dane also said he made a 7-person seesaw.

Jimmy Fallon: "'Dancing with the Stars' was exciting. Sarah Palin was praying, 'Don't let her fall,' and Bristol Palin was praying, 'Don't let her talk.'" "The President of Iran says he's going on a trip to throw a rock at Israel. Israel's new defense? Paper." "China has decided it's not changing its 1-child policy. Their new hit TV show is 'Jon & Kate + 1 and That's It.'" "President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on there." "Lindsay Lohan is in a new rehab. As she went in she said, 'Keep the car running.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Christine O'Donnell is against masturbation and also doesn't believe in evolution. She says, 'Why aren't monkeys still evolving?' Because they're too busy masturbating." "Kim Jong Il is transferring power to his son Kim Jong Un, who is a Dictator Tot. Why are there all these tiny tyrants? Kim Jong Il, Napoleon, Snooki. Kim Jong Il is like a Bond villain. They should send Sean Connery in to deal with him. 'Hah, I've taken craps bigger than you!'" Robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson: "In your pants."

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

Wednesday, September 29

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "There are two Justin Bieber dolls available for Christmas. If they're sold out just buy a Ken doll and put a mushroom on his head."

David Letterman: "The murder rate is up in New York. I knew we'd bounce back." "Mayor Bloomberg is on the show tonight to announce he's quitting politics to become a rap artist." "Most Americans believe there was one Apostle named Bashful, and the Last Supper featured unlimited salad and bread sticks." "These days being Lindsay Lohan is itself a parole violation." "Rahm Emanuel is leaving the White House and wants to become Mayor of Chicago, where he'll report directly to Oprah."

Jay Leno: "It was so hot Disneyland added a new Dwarf, Sweaty." "Michael Bolton got the worst score in 'Dancing with the Stars' history, so Kate Gosselin moves up a notch. Afghan President Karzai says he's afraid to live in a world that would cast aside Michael Bolton." "The state of New Jersey will now alert drivers to traffic jams ahead. How? Text messages." "Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab, not Promises. This time she's in Vague Assurances." "Justin Bieber says he hates fans approaching him while he's eating. That makes sense. He has to climb down from his high chair ..." "Friday was Celebrate Bisexuality Day. Is that a good holiday? I could go either way." "Exercise is good for the prostate. At the gym that's one machine you want to towel off real good. And good luck finding a spotter." In a fake interview with Kim Jong Il's apparent heir Kim Jong Un, Jay asked if he was his father's favorite child. "No, that's Kim Kardashian."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The polygamists on the reality show 'Sister Wives' may be arrested. To me that show is the worst Cialis ad ever. 'Polygamists in Prison' may be an even better show." Jimmy showed the YouTube viral video of the Swiss Finance Minister overcome during a speech by a fit of giggle. "We've translated what he said: 'The look on Elmo's face when he saw Katy Perry's cleavage [see Sept. 25 above]. Poor little guy. Her breasts are so big and he is so tiny. This is more a job for the Cookie Monster. "Me like cookies and MILK!"'"

Jimmy Fallon: "41% of Americans don't know who the Vice President is. Joe Biden said, 'Give me a hint.'" "Atheists know more about organized religion than either Catholics or Protestants. An atheist said, 'I can't believe it.'" "A Chicago newscaster was caught picking her nose on camera. She said, 'This just out.'" "The Facebook movie, 'The Social Network,' opens Fri. It’s about what 1 person can achieve…when they’re not distracted by Facebook."

Craig Ferguson: "Christine O'Donnell says lust is a sin, and you can't masturbate without lust. You can, but it's bleak. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she did massage her resume. Yes! She said she went to Oxford, and she didn't. Which is a shame, since the Oxford rugby team is the Fighting Masturbators, because they always choke. I tell people I attended Yale, which is a bar in Glasgow. Anyway, it turns out Christine did work a couple of years ago as a publicist for Mel Gibson. Her duties were typing, filing, and blaming stuff on the Jews." "The Washington press will let little stuff slide, like saying you were born in Hawaii." Guest Steven Wright: "I have tattoos, but they're on the other side of my skin, so you can't see them."

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

Thursday, September 30

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "Goldman Sachs has a new ad to show what the company does. Isn't that what the recession showed?"

Jon Stewart: "Grill Interrupted, BBQ & A: President Obama is holding meetings in peoples' backyards." Showed clip of the homeowner warning, "Watch your step. There may be a fresh one." Jon: "The most embarrassing thing, the guy didn't even own a dog."

Chelsea Handler: "A Tiger Woods mistress is selling a sex tape for $350,000." Arden Myrin: "I hope they have a golf announcer. 'Tiger's approaching the vagina. Oh, he missed.'" Chelsea: "A German man peed into an electric socket and closed down a nightclub. Chuy, have you ever peed someplace you shouldn't?" Chuy: "Inside your car."

Stephen Colbert: "How accurate are polls? I'll interrupt your dinner and ask you what you think." "If you're going to Jon Stewart's Rally to Restore Sanity, you know what else is supposed to restore sanity? A lobotomy. And Jon's bringing icepicks." "Researchers have taught a robot to lie, probably telling whoever gave them the grant that the research is worthwhile."

David Letterman: "The murder rate is up in NY. If you get shot, be sure to get the slugs out before you get to the airport, or you'll set off the metal detectors. Every morning I blindfold myself and practice disassembling and assembling my gun. I saw Lady Gaga on Broadway wearing bulletproof meat." "Scientists have discovered a planet that may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum. Today BP created a new Safety Division. Today. And General Custer hired a lookout." "Kim Jong Il is going to be succeeded by his idiot son, Kim Jong W. Il. I hope the transfer of power works better than Conan replacing Jay." "I don't think President Obama is wise to hold events in people's backyards." Showed a clip of a sprinkler system turning on.

Jay Leno: "There's debate over whether the audience at 'Dancing with the Stars' was booing Sarah Palin or the judges. Turns out they were still booing the Hoff from last week." "Lindsay Lohan is in rehab again. It's like the Clippers going to training camp. What's the use?" "Obama has the right idea. All politicians should have meeting in backyards. Then you can take what they say and spread it on the lawn." "President Obama said, 'Yes, I'm a Christian.' Fox News said he admitted he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Mid-East." "Obama had said if the stimulus bill passed Caterpillar would hire a lot of Americans. They are hiring hundreds of workers, in China. And if you call the White House to complain you get the hotline in India." "Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation. The band's against her. Usually you guys don't get political." Bandleader Rickey Minor: "We're political now." Jay: "Anyway, Republican Sen. Tom Coburn says she'll be able to combat the stupidity in Washington, so I guess they're going to fight fire with fire." "A Louisiana candidate has a TV ad featuring a hooker hired by his opponent. Worse, it's a 2-minute ad, twice as long as the guy lasted." "There's a shortage of a drug needed for executions. How bad is our health system when our prisoners can't get the drugs they need to die." "Ben & Jerry has had to drop 'all natural' from their labels. You mean Chunky Monkey doesn't come direct from the earth?" Correspondemt Mikey Day reported on his time travel to the past and future. Here he is watching his future self being kissed in the Oval Office by President Palin.

 Click for a great clip of Mikey Day time traveling.

Jimmy Kimmel: "There was a new 'Jersey Shore' tonight. You hate to see orange-on-orange violence, but Anita and Snooki got into a fight. Snooki's writing a novel. I think it's called 'Eat Smoosh Puke.'" "On the Discovery Channel's 'Deadliest Catch,' 3 of the captains have quit. I guess they've caught everything. I think they should do 'The Rehab Boat: The Celebritiest Catch with Dr. Drew, Lindsay, Paris, Mel, the Hoff, etc."

Jimmy Fallon: "It's been raining all week in NY. Me and my bedbugs have hardly left the house." "The effort to get those 33 trapped Chilean miners out is ahead of schedule. The miners said, 'Whose schedule?'" "A Senate bill requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. A hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does." "The Naked Cowboy from Times Square is running for President in 2012 on a conservative platform. If you've seen him in his underwear you know he leans right."

Craig Ferguson: "A man in London is suing because he bought a loaf of bread and found a mouse baked into it. He said it was so disgusting he could hardly finish his jellied eels and blood pudding." "'The Flintstones' turned 50. They had the first eco-car, powered by feet. The bigger the feet, the bigger the ride. Their theme song ended, 'We'll have a gay old time.' That's when gay meant fun. Now it means really fun. It's the show that proved men and dinosaurs coexisted, before the dinosaurs were wiped out by a BP oil spill."

"Role Models" by John Waters
.

For each day's funniest zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

Late-Night Host Products

Zinger Home / Zingers August  2010 / Zingers October 2010 / Other Strange Sites / e-mail Strange

© 1999 - 2010 by Ash-Kar Press