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America's Costliest Topical Zingers, September 2009

Created by teams of top-dollar zingersmiths, delivered by hosts making tens of $millions

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim

September wins: O'Brien 7, Fallon 5, Letterman 4, Leno 3, Ferguson 2

Wednesday, September 30 winner: Jay Leno: "I wonder at what point the new bombs-in-the-rectum policy got told to the operatives. 'Where's my dynamite vest?' 'Well, Achmed ...' "

Tuesday, September 1 winner: Craig Ferguson: "To celebrate gay marriage Ben & Jerry changed Chubby Hubby ice cream to Hubby Hubby. It has lots of nuts and goes straight to your ass."

Wednesday, September 2 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "Whitney Houston gave a concert in Central Park and it went okay, except for a little crack in her voice."

Thursday, September 3winner: David Letterman: "The Republicans are talking about running Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin in 2012. Talk about your shotgun marriage."

Friday, September 4 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "Labor Day is the day set aside to remember when people had jobs."

Monday, September 7: Everyone off for Labor Day.

Tuesday, September 8 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Swedish people were upset that tax dollars had been used to fund a lesbian porno film. No word on what the upsetting part was."

Wednesday, September 9 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "Rather than show the President's speech, the Fox network ran 'So You Think You Can Dance' and 'Glee.' So tomorrow you're going to be explaining health care to your gay friends."

Thursday, September 10 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Yankee Stadium gave out free prostate exams. They cheated by advertising it as Glove Night."

Friday, September 11 winner: Craig Ferguson: "Antarctica's the only continent with no permanent residents. Everyone just stays for a few months and moves on, like Jennifer Aniston's bedroom."

Monday, September 14 winner: Conan O'Brien: "MTV threw Kanye West out after he grabbed Taylor Swift's microphone. MTV has a lower tolerance for bad behavior than the U.S. Congress."

Tuesday, September 15 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "Kanye West bragged that his apology to Taylor Swift was the best apology in the history of the world."

Wednesday, September 16 winner: Jay Leno: "Wall Street executives have been spending their huge bonuses on useless things, like Senator Chris Dodd."

Thursday, September 17 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "The compromise health bill will have Democratic parts and Republican parts. It's the Lady Gaga option."

Friday, September 18 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Farmers in Norway increase milk production by giving their cows soft mattresses to rest on. No word on how they discovered this."

Emmy winner, September 20: Host Neil Patrick Harris: "I'm here to see everything runs smoothly, so let's hope Kanye likes '30 Rock.'"

Monday, September 21 winner: Conan O'Brien: "A study shows that men with large penises are more confident, while women with large penises win more track and field medals."

Tuesday, September 22 winner: David Letterman: "Somebody bought dinner with Sarah Palin on eBay for $63,500. That's the most expensive date with a governor since Eliot Spitzer."

Wednesday, September 23 winner: David Letterman: "Sarah Palin delivered a speech in Hong Kong yesterday. People said it was articulate, compelling, a year late ... And I'm thinking, if it was that good it must have been Tina Fey."

Thursday, September 24 winner: Jay Leno: "A guy put a ring on his penis to make it larger, and after the first day his penis turned black, so he thought it was working."

Friday, September 25 winner: David Letterman: "If you want to know more about Dick Cheney you can friend him on Shot-in-the-Facebook."

Monday, September 28 winner: Conan O'Brien: "It's Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, when they all try to make up for Pauly Shore."

Tuesday, September 29 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Larry King interviewed Iranian President Ahmadinejad and asked him who his favorite Jonas Brother was. He picked Nick." Andy Richter: "Nick's the least infidelly."

Wednesday, September 30 winner: Jay Leno: "I wonder at what point the new bombs-in-the-rectum policy got told to the operatives. 'Where's my dynamite vest?' 'Well, Achmed ...' "

Tuesday, September 1

David Letterman: "it was so beautiful in New York today even straight guys were calling it fabulous. It was so sunny I had to use my swine flu mask as a visor. Because of the swine flu a school on Long Island has banned touching. Sounds like my honeymoon." "Did you see the NFL game last night? Brett Favre was hit so hard it set off his life alert pendant." "The world's oldest dog passed away at 21. Michael Vick said, 'Hey, don't look at me.' That's really old for a dog, 21 years. In human years that's, well, Regis." "Disgraced Governor Eliot Spitzer is back in town, and he's going to run for governor again. He says he wants to spend less time with his family. He's not only coming back, they're going to give him the 10 p.m. spot. Spitzer's the one who pioneered the Cash for Hookers program. Before he runs he's going to put some feelers out. Isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place?"
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Letting Muammar Qaddafi Live With You: 10. "What does my lease say about harboring ruthless dictators?" 9. "Should I hide my weapons-grade plutonium?" 8. "Does my homeowners insurance cover a United States air strike?" 7. "Can I call him 'Daffy Qaddafi'?" 2. "Will it be easier to get Mr. Roper's permission if I say Qaddafi is gay?"

Conan O'Brien: "Gay marriage is now legal in Vermont. 'I now pronounce you Ben & Jerry.' Actually Ben & Jerry are changing their Chubby Hubby to Hubby Hubby, which comes with extra nuts." "Sarah Palin's publicist says she's about 85% finished writing her book, which means she's finished writing her book." "A political group is trying to get Dick Cheney to run for President in 2012. That political group? The Democratic Party." "Huge wildfires in California. They're even threatening a PBS radio station. You could tell there was panic, because the announcer raised his voice to a quiet murmur." "The country's top-selling Bible is being revised to reflect present language. For instance, now it reads, 'And on the seventh day the Lord chillaxed.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "There are fires all around the city. Luckily, most of the suburbs were already evacuated by the home foreclosures." "We're burning down, having to have state garage sales ... It's what we get for importing a cheap foreign Governor." "To keep the fire reporting fresh, one of the local stations has hired Paris Hilton to look at the fires and say, 'That's hot.'" "Walt Disney has just bought Marvel Comics for $4 billion and a Jonas Brother. The comic book characters on Hollywood Boulevard are delighted. They think they're going to get to sleep with the hot Disney female characters." "Gay marriage is now legal in Vermont, and Ben & Jerry have changed Chubby Hubby to Hubby Hubby. I won't tell you how they've changed Super Fudge Chunk." Jimmy had his cousin Sal stop a tough guy on the sidewalk and get him to taste Hubby Hubby. Then he told the guy it was gay ice cream. He looked startled and then said, "Well, it still tastes good."

Jimmy Fallon: "To commemorate gay marriage in Vermont Ben & Jerry changed Chubby Hubby to Hubby Hubby. And for the honeymoon they have Hubby's Chubby." "A study in Great Britain showed that jails serve healthier meals than hospitals. And both are better than restaurants." "Because of swine flu college students are being asked to avoid kissing, petting, and drinking games. Students decided to get swine flu."

Craig Ferguson: "Disney is buying Marvel Comics for $4 billion. So we're this close to seeing the Jonas Brothers destroyed by the Incredible Hulk." "Scientists in the '80s told me cocaine wasn't addictive. And by 'scientists' I mean 'coke dealers.'" Craig showed a sexy tomato and said, "My garden puts the 'organ' in 'organic.'"

Wednesday, September 2

David Letterman: "Sorry I'm a little late, but today's the day CBS was doing their gender testing. I enjoyed it. I may go back tomorrow." "A perfect day. The mercury level in Jeremy Piven hit 74 degrees. It was so beautiful that Rupert Gee, the owner of Hello Deli, was flying a kite made of health code violations. It was so sunny Anna Wintour was wearing two pairs of sunglasses. So sunny Squeaky Fromme changed her name to Squinty." "On this day in 1969 they installed the first ATM machine in New York City. A machine that dispenses cash. It's like I have a twin." "A study shows a moderate amount of drinking may prevent Alzheimer's. And something else, a moderate amount of drinking may prevent Alzheimer's. The joke's on me. I'm drinking to forget." "The government wants to sell Bernie Madoff's beach house. He loved the beach, and he was very popular. Barracudas would swim up and ask for his autograph. They're selling all his furniture, including his Ponzi-Boy Recliner." "Eliot Spitzer is running for Governor again. I tell you, the comedy recession is over. He's already doing some polling."
Top Ten Dumb Guy Tips To Combat The Swine Flu:
10. Give your pigs and hogs Advil, vitamin C and plenty of liquids. 8. Be extra vigilant when shopping at Piggly Wiggly. 7. Tax cuts for the rich. 6. Forget swine flu, you should be worried about the Obama death panels. 1. Those microscopic germs don't stand a chance against Dr. Jack Daniels.

Conan O'Brien: "The publishers of the most popular American Bible are updating it to make it gender neutral. Mark, Luke and John are now Chris, Francis and Terry." "There was a wild party at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan. A woman took her socks off." "The Catholic Church is suggesting a prayer for married people before sex. 'Please, God, don't let my wife find out.'" "Kevin Federline is back in the recording studio. No, relax, he's not making an album. It's just that it has a roof and snacks." "Paris Hilton put a huge portrait of herself in her boyfriend's house so he won't forget her. He won't forget her as long as it burns every time he pees."

Jimmy Kimmel: "If you smell smoke don't worry. It's just that the whole world is on fire. This is what we get for making our forests out of wood." "Spencer Pratt is changing his name to King Spencer Pratt, because he says America needs a king. I think these fires are just God's way of punishing us for not killing Spencer and Heidi." "It's the 40th birthday of the internet. If you feed 'internet' into Google, your computer will eat itself."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Toyota Camry is the #1 car in America thanks to Cash for Clunkers. They're going to try it again. This time you can trade your stupid kid for a Japanese kid." "They're going to bury Michael Jackson tomorrow in Forest Lawn in an unmarked grave. With a ferris wheel behind it." "The Vatican has a special sex prayer for married couples, to replace having unprotected sex and praying after." "A man robbed a bank so he could go to jail and get away from his wife." "Spencer Pratt is changing his name to King Spencer Pratt. He should have gone with the Douche of Windsor."

Craig Ferguson: "A man in Russia is suing newspapers for slandering his grandfather. Guess who his grandfather is. Stalin! I know!" "Of COURSE she was Mrs. Dracula. Didn't you see 'Bride of Dracula'? What? You think she kept her own name?"

Thursday, September 3

David Letterman: "Because of fears of the swine flu, if you're arrested in New York you have to frisk yourself." "A man in Florida found a toad in his can of Pepsi. The company claims it's just introducing its new brand Dr. Hopper." "The Feds are selling Bernie Madoff's beach house, there on Cape Fraud." "Sarah Palin has a speaking engagement in China, and she's all excited, because she thinks it's a red state, which it really is. 'Vanity Fair' says her daughter Bristol was having the baby, and Sarah Palin was going to adopt it. Think I'm going to make a joke about this? None of my business. The article also claims Sarah Palin couldn't really see Russia from her house. It also said she wasn't much of a hunter. I don't know. She sure killed John McCain's chances." Top Ten Signs The Japanese First Lady Is Nuts: 1. Alaska asked if she'd like to be governor.

Conan O'Brien: "The California wildfires are 38% controlled . The Kardashians, though, are still completely out of control. Somebody needs to spray some foam on them." "Dick Cheney may run for President in 2012, which is also his cholesterol level." "A man had his finger bitten off in a town hall meeting. No one knows who started it, but there's been a lot of stub pointing." "More marijuana growers are using national forests. Smoky the Bear's motto is now, 'Only you can ... whatever.'" "In Israel archeologists have found a wall that's 3,067 years old, along with documents that show the contractor promised the wall for 6,034 years ago." "A Seattle clinic for addiction to the internet offers wi-fi." "A man in New Zealand paid $485 for a boarding pass used by Paris Hilton. For half that he could board Paris Hilton."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Michael Jackson is finally in the ground. They didn't want to bury him until every last family member had been on 'Larry King.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Jenny McCarthy has been dieting and is down to 125 pounds. Kirstie Alley weighs exactly the same, on the moon." "A Florida man was arrested for pleasuring himself while driving, after taking Viagra. To be fair, his GPS had told him to get off at the next exit." "An iPhone app lets you report infectious diseases worldwide. It's called 'Where in the World is Brett Michaels.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Scientists say the healthiest sperm is from guys with high IQs. Nice try, scientists." "The wife of the new Japanese Prime Minister says she was abducted by aliens and has visited other planets. You remember, George W. Bush saw a flying object he couldn't identify, but it turned out to be a shoe." "TV producers are cashing in on the vampire craze by altering some of their old shows. Now we'll see 'The Big Fang Theory,' 'Ice Road Suckers' and 'Blood Line.'"

Friday, September 4

David Letterman: "Monday is Labor Day, and Tuesday the Sidewalk Santas hit the street. I can tell you people are an autumn audience, because you're starting to turn." "Moamer Kadhafi is coming to New York, and he was going to rent Joan Rivers' apartment, but at the last minute the deal fell through, as did Joan's face." "Here at CBS 'CSI Miami' is starting its fifth year, and the star David Caruso is introducing a new facial expression, bringing the total to two." "I'm having the annual Labor Day picnic at my house, sort of a death panel with relish. My family are all excited. They can't wait for the return of Jay." "Sarah Palin's having a big cookout for all her family and friends up there in Alaska. What's that? Can she cook? I'll say. Don't you remember last year when she cooked John McCain's goose? And next month Sarah Palin has a speaking engagement in Hong Kong, which she can almost see from her house. The Chinese are all excited, but they think they're getting Tina Fey. Sarah Palin's going to do all she can to promote capitalism, and then she'll be flying around in a helicopter shooting pandas." "A lot of people don't know this. Twice a week Larry King wears ONLY his suspenders." "This year the CEO of Hallmark didn't receive a single birthday card." "During sex, optometrists ask, 'Which is better, this or this?'" Top Ten Signs You Wasted Your Summer: 8. Developed vaccine for swan flu. 3. You're watching this show. 2. Spent past 3 weeks camping out for Michael Jackson tickets. 1. You play for the Mets.

Conan O'Brien: "McDonald's is suing McCurry's in India for stealing their name. Then they're suing every pub in Ireland." "A publisher in England is coming out with a new 'Winnie the Pooh' book, 'Pooh II: The Wrath of Piglet.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Labor Day is the traditional end of summer, except in L.A. where it's when Matthew McConaughey puts his shirt back on."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama once wrote a magazine article, 'Smoke Your Way to Washboard Abs.'" "There's a new video game where you pretend to play Beatles songs on fake instruments. It's like being The Monkees. There are three skill levels: Hard, Medium and Ringo." "In an interview Chris Brown said Oprah's comments on his domestic abuse conviction were a slap in the face. Then he said, 'Strike that.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Give a man a hooker, and he'll have fun for a night. Teach him to hire a hooker, and he's set for life."

Tuesday, September 8

David Letterman: "The most stressful city in America is Los Angeles. What? 'Oh my God, the Perrier is flat.' Number two, Chicago. Number three, New York City. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure at least half of you will get back to the hotel alive. I'm always worried when I pick a guy out of the lineup that he can see through the glass. That's stressful. And I'm always worried that my 'date' might turn out to be an undercover vice cop." "They're saying this swine flu is getting to be a pandemic. So you've got to sterilize your pan. The President says to sneeze into you elbow. I'll just sneeze into my hairpiece." "Did you see the Jerry Lewis telethon? He announced his hair is no longer dependent on foreign oil." "Did you see the U.S. Open tennis? At one point a ball got loose on the court, and that thing on Donald Trump's head went after it. The hookers in Times Square, God bless them, have U.S. Open fever. For an extra $20 they'll say that it was in." "Tony Blair is on the show tonight. President Bush learned a lot from him: 'cheeky,' 'fortnight,' 'bangers and mash.' And Tony learned a lot from Bush: 'Whoops!' 'Uh oh!' 'Dang!'" "Dick Cheney may run for President in 2012. He says he still gets a kick out of starting wars." "President Obama talked to the kids today, and a lot of people were upset that he was going to brainwash them. So I asked my son when he came home from school today, and he said, 'Must have socialized medicine.'" Obama told the kids to work hard and listen to their teachers. What a load of socialist propaganda. Also he told the kids that sleep is so important that they should go to bed right after Jay." To guest Tony Blair: "And I understand you were the first Prime Minister in 150 years to have a legitimate child in office."
Top Ten Surprises In President Barack Obama's Message To Students: 8. Spent most of speech yakking about new season of "Gossip Girl." 7. Urged kids to put their allowance on Packers this weekend. 4. Told kids to listen to their parents, "Except for the 8 of you stuck with Jon and Kate." 2. Tip for success? Cheat off Asian kids. 1. Asked students to, "Work hard and study, or you'll end up like President Bush."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama told schoolkids to work and study hard, and if that doesn't work, grab a seat next to an Asian kid. He also told them to be careful of Facebook. He himself had accidentally friended Joe Biden." "A male reporter took off his clothes and professed his love for George Clooney. Colleagues have never been so embarrassed for Wolf Blitzer." "This is the 400th anniversary of Henry Hudson discovering Manhattan. And only 200 years later he found a parking spot." "In Las Vegas a 350 pound man was deemed too fat to fly. He who dines at the all-you-can-eat buffets in Vegas stays in Vegas." "Paris Hilton spent Labor Day in Venice. Yes, the system of polluted canals used by millions of people said she was happy to be in Venice." Celebrity survey: "I hope people remember ... Paula Abdul: 'Where I live and how I woke up in this industrial dryer.'" "The best fight I ever saw was ... Larry King: "Caen and Abel.'" "Sometimes on lazy days ... O.J. Simpson: 'I commit single murder.'" "I look good, considering ... Joan Rivers: 'I died in 1988.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "People said President Obama advising schoolkids to work hard and stay focused was an insult to former President Bush."

Jimmy Fallon: "Today kids went back to school, or as parents call it, Sex in the Kitchen Week." "President Obama advised kids to work hard, but, just in case, bone up on your Chinese." "A Civil War buff accidentally shot a 2-pound cannonball through his neighbor's window. If you missed it, don't worry. There'll be lots of reenactments." "Happy 60th birthday to disco-diva Gloria Gaynor. She celebrated by surviving."

Craig Ferguson: "San Francisco's Bay Bridge was reopened after the repair of a huge crack discovered by a construction worker. And a cop and an Indian chief ..." "I love the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. There's a bar called The Ball Pit on Santa Monica Boulevard. They have a two-twink minimum. That's a very funny joke for a very small audience." Craig has a new book, "American on Purpose," which has this disclaimer: "If you experience an erection lasting more that four hours, call your doctor or Craig Ferguson."

Joel McHale on "The Soup" showed a clip of Andy Griffith in bed with a woman after taking Viagra. "At last Matlock has found something that will stand up in court."

"The Big Bang Theory:" Sheldon: "Apparently there is no law of diminishing comedic returns on space poop jokes." "For what it's worth, my mother told me deceiving others for personal gain makes Jesus cry."

Wednesday, September 9

David Letterman: Dave's monologue was unavailable on my computer. Later in the show: "And here with today's date, Hitler: "Nein! Nein! Nein!"
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating Deep-Fried Butter: 10. "Will my heart 'splode?" 9. "Can I get mine with bacon?" 7. "Does it come with butter?" 4. "How many daily servings of fried butter does the USDA recommend?" 3. "Should I be 'heart smart' and get the fried margarine?" 1. "What would Rush Limbaugh do?"

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama advised schoolkids to work and study hard. Today George W. Bush gave the rebuttal." "Governor Schwarzenegger has offered a $100,000 reward for the person who started that big wildfire, and the same amount for the person responsible for his movie 'Jingle All the Way.'" "Paula Abdul says she plans to design a show that will beat 'American Idol.' In other words, Paula's still drinking." "Today is 9/9/9 on the calendar. I haven't heard so many 9s since I dated that German woman." "China has started importing kangaroos for food. Worse, they're selling them under the name Hot Pockets." "Having sex with a condom is the best way to reduce global warming, since it keeps the population down. It's also the greatest pickup line ever." "Chris Brown won't be performing at a tribute concert for Michael Jackson. He will be performing at one for Ike Turner." "A man in Ohio crashed his store through the front window of a sex shop in order to steal a single sex toy." Conan showed the surveillance video, and the man was bandleader Max Weinberg. Guest Tom Arnold announced he's getting married for the fourth time: "Like Kobe and Shaq I'll have four rings."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Today is 9/9/9, which is what our governor says when his breakfast order is wrong." "Ellen DeGeneres is going to be the new judge on 'American Idol.' So now Ellen and Ryan Seacrest host 40% of all television shows." Guest Kathy Griffin, who took Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin's daughter's baby daddy, as her date to the 'Teen Choice Awards.' "We had a lot of vaginal sex, and now I have a little bit of a baby bump."

Jimmy Fallon: "Claudia Schiffer appears topless on the cover of the new 'Tank Magazine,' the one half my audience is googling right now." "A woman with 300 grandchildren has just died, of writing 300 birthday checks for $5 each." "Bernie Madoff's Manhattan penthouse is being sold by the government. It has 20 rooms, then 10, then 8, and then it disappears."

Craig Ferguson: "President Obama's health speech must have gone well. NBC is going to run it five nights a week." "This day in 1850 California became a state. We still look pretty good. We've had a lot of work done."

Thursday, September 10

David Letterman: "Everybody's worried about the swine flu. Even the girls at Flashdancers were rubbing down the pole with Purell. And I've switched to the Viagra with Tamiflu." "Bernie Madoff's apartment is for sale for $7.5 million through Century 21. Not Century 22. That's when Bernie gets out of prison." "At the U.S. Open a guy runs out of the stands and kisses Rafael Nadal. Regis, Regis, Regis. The guy gives him a big kiss and yells, 'I love you,' and then gets tackled by security. Reminds me of my honeymoon. And that thing on Donald Trump's head ran onto the court and clamped itself on Roger Federer's leg." "Dick Cheney may run for President in 2012. I like him. He looks like the guy who tells you the bridge is out and you'll have to spend the night. He looks like the chemical company executive who's ducking '60 Minutes.' He looks like the foreman who cheats the fruit pickers. The University of Wyoming opened the Dick Cheney International Center. Instead of cutting the ribbon, Cheney shot it. We have a picture of the Cheney Center."

"Sarah Palin wrote this op-ed piece, and she says she's against death panels. Really? Isn't she the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign? If you want to have dinner with Sarah Palin you can go on eBay. The bidding starts at $125,000. You get the dinner and then you get the dessert, the half-baked Alaska." Guest Matt Damon was interviewed at the Venice Film Festival the day after Brad Pitt, who had gotten so tired of being asked when he was going to marry Angelina Jolie that he said he'd marry her when George Clooney could marry his boyfriend. So a reporter asked Matt if George Clooney really had a boyfriend. Naturally Matt said, "Yes. He's a great guy. We all like him." Next day a male reporter stripped and proposed to George Clooney.
Top Ten South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson Excuses for Yelling, "You lie!": 9. "Ashton Kutcher put me up to it" 8. "Was trying to impress that hellcat Nancy Pelosi" 4. "Yeah, I accused a politician of lying. What was I thinking?" 2. "It's been weeks since a Republican politician embarrassed the state of South Carolina" 1. "Nobody cared when McCain yelled, 'BINGO!'"

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama accepted South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson's apology for heckling him, and new Wilson gets to appear before a death panel. And Obama made another health care speech before a group of nurses. No one knew why ex-President Clinton was there." "'Fortune' named Oprah Winfrey 6th among the top women. The bodies of numbers 1 through 5 have not been found." "The founder of the Weather Channel passed away. He was 82 and sunny." "Condoms fight global warming by reducing future population. When I was single my wallet fought global warming for 12 years." "There's an uproar in Sweden because state funds were used for a feminist porno film where the focus was on the pleasure of the woman." Conan showed a clip of a pizza delivery boy rubbing the woman's feet and asking her about her day.

Jimmy Kimmel: "A South Carolina Representative yelled during Obama's speech, 'You lie!' The guy sat through 8 years of Bush saying everything's fine in Iraq, and this bothered him?" "Ellen DeGeneres is replacing Paula Abdul on 'American Idol,' and now the show will start with 20 minutes of dancing. To be sure Ellen can replace Paula, before each show they'll feed her some drugs, spin her around, and hit her on the head with a skillet." "Hugh Hefner is suing his second wife Kimberly for divorce, citing erectile Ñ I mean irreconcilable Ñ differences. He says she cheated on him. That's like Bernie Madoff claiming somebody owes him 20 bucks."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama said he wouldn't approve a health plan that adds one dime to the national debt, then interrupted himself to yell, 'You lie!'" "It's Fashion Week, and the streets are packed. It took me an hour to strut to work. I call it Gay Christmas. Today I saw a rat forcing itself to throw up." "Nicole Richie named her new son Sparrow James Midnight and then removed all three darts from the dictionary." "Lancaster, Pennsylvania, in the heart of Amish country, has the most surveillance cameras per capita of any place in the nation. Of course it's just guys in trees with sketch pads." "A man in Florida was arrested for throwing jellyfish at teenagers. He was charged with carrying a congealed weapon." "Ellen DeGeneres is replacing Paula Abdul on 'American Idol.' Ellen's going to have some pretty big prescriptions to fill."

Craig Ferguson: "Ellen DeGeneres is replacing Paula on 'American Idol.' This makes her the second-most-powerful lesbian in the world, right after Kim Jong Il." "I watched President Obama's speech and even took notes. I know what you're saying: 'Craig, you lie!' Bill Clinton got that all the time, but only from Hillary when he tried to explain how a tornado blew his pants off. Sometimes the Democrats booed Bush, but he just thought Congress was haunted. Obama should have said to the South Carolina Representative, 'Hey, buddy, I don't come to your state and knock your governor's wiener out of his mistress.' I don't approve of that heckling. Congressmen should act like gentlemen, and their hookers should act like ladies."

Friday, September 11

David Letterman: "We have quite a few honor students in New York City. 'Yes, Your Honor. No, Your Honor.'" "Because of the swine flu you're supposed to avoid human contact. I call that my weekend." "It's Fashion Week in New York City, and who would doubt it looking at this group." "Following Ben & Jerry's Hubby Hubby ice cream for gay couples in Vermont, Breyers has introduced their new flavors for heterosexual couples: Lifelong Resent-Mint, Rocky Road to Divorce, Extra-Whipped with Crushed Nuts, Plain Vanilla Sex Once a Month Until You Die."
Top Ten Signs You Picked a Bad College: 6. While walking to class, not unusual to see student fending off a gator
2. Grades based on how much you tip 1. Most famous alumnus? Andy Dick

Conan O'Brien: "People are still mad at that Congressman who yelled, 'You lie!' at President Obama. An Obama spokesman called the guy 'a pimple on the ass of progress,' which, incidentally, would be covered under Obama's health plan." "One of those female journalists who got rescued from North Korea says President Clinton keeps calling to check up on her. What's creepy is that the calls are coming from inside her house." "Today Paula Abdul said she's happy to have Ellen DeGeneres replacing her, and she wishes her all the best. Then the 7-11 clerk said, 'Fine, lady, here are your lottery tickets.'" "In Las Vegas a 350-pound man was told he was too fat to get on a plane. Luckily he was just barely fat enough to ride Greyhound." "A hotel on the Vegas Strip is advertising $10 off if you're gay. But you have to prove it with a bellman." In the Year 3000 segment: "Paula Abdul returns to 'American Idol' when she crashes through the studio wall in a stolen ambulance." "Scientists will discover the exact date when man first stood erect, put on suspenders and began to host 'Larry King Live.'" "'Frenemy' will finally be replaced by the more accurate term 'palhole.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "How can anyone focus on football when there are still 14 contestants left on 'Project Runway?'" "Jon Gosselin was stopped by police and cited for speeding and for not having his girlfriend in a car seat." "Now everyone who's supposed to appear in the Michael Jackson Tribute Concert says they're not going to be there. Listen, if you paid $750 for a ticket to an event arranged by Jermaine Jackson you have no one to blame but yourself." "That South African runner may have both male and female sex organs. So if she's really a hermaphrodite, I guess her hairdo is a hermafro."

Jimmy Fallon: "Sunday night President Obama will be interviewed on '60 Minutes,' or as he calls it, the death panel." "President Obama has decided to replace Nancy Pelosi with Ellen DeGeneres." "A 9-lb. 9 oz. baby boy was born at 9:09 a.m. on 9/9/09. How bad is it that the coolest thing you'll ever do in your life is already over?" "They're saying that South African runner may be a hermaphrodite. I don't know what to believe. It's one of those he said, she said things."

Craig Ferguson: "'White Out' opens today. At last a movie about liquid paper. Actually it's about murder in Antarctica. Cold, dry, windy. Remind you of anyone? Antarctica is the world's most barren desert. The second-most barren desert is NBC prime time. It's 80% covered with ice, like Dick Cheney's heart. I do like their Kentucky Fried Penguin. Antarctica's the only continent with no permanent residents. Everyone just stays for a few months and moves on, like Jennifer Aniston's bedroom. Though there are no penguins in Jennifer Aniston's bedroom, as far as I know. Maybe there are. Maybe that's the problem. There are no penguins in Angelina Jolie's bedroom."

"The Soup" had a clip of a woman who castrates a hundred bulls a day saying, "No man ever cheats on me." Host Joel McHale: "In Paris Tyra thought both the Left and Right Banks were named after her." "Now every time Randy says 'Dog,' Ellen's going to adopt it and then give it to someone." They showed a clip from a newscast about a Muscle Beach competition of a hunky young guy in a bikini with a pretty woman kneeling in front of him oiling up his thighs. The guy back at the station said, "That woman has the interesting job. Ask her if she enjoys it." The woman looked up at the camera and said, "Yeah, but I'm his mother." Joel (whining): "Mom, you never do my taint." They showed a clip of a middle-aged white trash couple into kinky sex. The woman yelled, "Hey, Brian, you got the vibrator?" Joel: "It's in the dog." Russell Brand on Comedy Central: "I love women between the ages of 18 and death, and I won't be pushed on that, no matter how cleverly you tart up the corpse." His costar on a movie introduced him to her boyfriend Macaulay Culkin. "I really wanted to ask him, 'Come on, Mac, what really happened? Michael Jackson? Neverland? Sometimesland?" To the audience: "I don't want to put words in your mouth. Not when I was blessed with this." (Pointed to crotch.) "I like to tell these fans, 'Sure, I'll give you my autograph, across your uterus in sperm.'"

Irish comedian on Comedy Central: "Drunken sex with strangers, nothing like it! You'll put your face places you wouldn't ordinarily put your feet."

Monday, September 14
David Letterman and Craig Ferguson are on vacation this week.

Jay Leno: "The government was giving cash for old cars. I made five billion dollars." "President Obama has invited Kanye West and Taylor Swift to the White House for a root beer." "California State Assemblyman Mike Duvall was caught bragging about his sex exploits with two lobbyists. Hmm, I'm no good at math, but a politician and two lobbyists, that's three whores in all, isn't it?" "Wal-Mart is going to start paying its employees electronically. Still in pesos, but electronically." "Serena Williams threw a fit on the court, but she may have had a point." (Showed a clip of the line judge texting instead of watching the play.) "A poll showed that 50% of women wish men would take more control in bed. The other 50% wish he'd put down the remote control." In a sketch Jay caught his lover Kevin Eubanks in the park with a Jay look alike. Kevin said Jay was writing jokes until all hours. Jay protested, "I'm doing it for us!" Then Jay accused Kevin of going to bars. "I know you were at The Sphincter and The Ramrod." First guest Jerry Seinfeld: "You know, Jay, in the '90s when we quit a show we actually quit the show." Jerry was surprised Jay couldn't get a bigger name for his first guest, and Jay admitted Oprah had turned him down. Jerry said, oh, he and Oprah were best buds, so he got her on the screen. They gossiped, and then Jerry said he was on Jay's show at the moment. Oprah: "Oh? When's he on?" Jerry on having to watch what you say with women: "I don't give a damn what I say in front of my men friends, and they care even less. With my wife ..." Jay was upset the Governor of South Carolina had gone to Argentina for a mistress. "Politicians should sleep American." Guest Kanye West on MTV's VMAs the night before had grabbed the mic from Taylor Swift in the middle of her acceptance speech to say Beyonce should have won. Jay: "When did you first know that what you did was wrong?" Kanye: "When I handed the mic back to her and she didn't go on." Jay asked him what his mother would have thought about what he did. Kanye couldn't think of anything to say.
Headlines:
A police report about indecent exposure quoted the caller: "She was wearing a thong and didn't have the body to go with it." A story about a man arrested for having an S&M party quoted his mother: "Part of me just wants to spank him." Ad for an attorney named Dick Talkin. Chinese restaurants Hung Far Lo and House of Poon.

Jon Stewart was back after a three-week vacation wearing a fat suit. John Oliver told the director to switch to the Brian Williams camera, and Jon was suddenly skinny again. The health care debate segment was titled "Apothecary Now." Jon called Glenn Beck "the head of the bipolar, I mean bipartisan ..."

Stephen Colbert, back after three weeks: "I realized my dream of going on safari in the land where President Obama was born. No, not Kenya, Oahu. I shot an elephant. By the way, don't go to the zoo there." Health care segment "Better Dead than Med." "Our guest tonight is the Mayor of Newark, and to show you how far the city has come, he's willing to admit that."

Conan O'Brien: "At last we've come to The Night of a Thousand Monologues. I'll be doing the jokes Jay didn't have time for." He quoted the new Osama bin Laden tape. "And then he ended with, 'Beyonce had the best video of all time!'" "In Minnesota Obama told the audience not to give in to scare tactics. A Minnesota resident replied, 'What do you call sending a black man to Minnesota?'" "Three NFL players have agreed to donate their brains to science after they die, for the study of head injuries. That's great, but the big prize is still Gary Busey." "Some of these wildfires are in marijuana plantations on public land. Marijuana fires are easy to contain, but tough to motivate." "An artist made a statue of Angelina Jolie breast feeding two babies at once. With 12 more waiting in line, along with our bandleader Max Weinberg." "Harrison Ford wants to make a 5th Indiana Jones movie. In this one he'll be chased by a giant boulder played by his prostate."

Jimmy Fallon: "Welcome to the fourth hour of 'The Tonight Show.'" "This was nice. Last night President Obama used the last five minutes of his speech to let Taylor Swift finish her acceptance speech." "Lady Gaga won Best New Artist in the Male or Female Division." "Don't tell me what happened on the season finale of 'True Blood.' I TiVoed it, but if I'd watched it during the day my TV would have died."

Tuesday, September 15

Jay Leno: "That case where Tila Tequila accused her boyfriend of choking her evidently started when she found him with two other women, and then he wanted her to join them for a foursome. I can't even get a foursome together for golf." Jay ran a clip of Matt Lauer interviewing Pink on her new album, which has several breakup songs. When Matt asked her who the songs were about, she pointed to a couch where Jay, his arms covered with tattoos, was sitting. Guest comic Jim Norton was complaining about airline pilots who try to tell jokes: "The only thing worse than a funny pilot is an affectionate urologist." Jay showed clips of himself visiting and doing chores for people living close to the studio. One had him muck out a horse's stall. Jay: "Same kind of work I do at NBC."

Jon Stewart had a report on a white kid being beaten up by a black kid while onlookers cheered. "They say it's because Obama is President. But when I was in school I was beaten up by black kids. And white kids. And Jerry's kids. But today, every weekend large groups of black men beat smaller white men. It's called the NFL."

Stephen Colbert: "Mexico is trying to take over the world record for the most world records. We can't let them beat our world record for world records." So he tried for Most Insults to Mexico in 30 Minutes.

Conan O'Brien: "Kanye West says he's going to take time out for reflection. Because he doesn't think about himself enough." "On Friday Oprah is broadcasting live from Central Park in New York, but forecasts call for rain. Oprah is thinking of firing God." "A Native American group wants the Washington Redskins to change their name as being offensive. The new name would be the Maryland Redskins." "Liza Minnelli is going to be in the new "Sex & the City" movie, because the first one just wasn't gay enough." "In England a female airline passenger took off her clothes and let a man fondle her. Now the airline can no longer call itself Virgin." "Also in England a 92-year-old woman who had several hits in the 1940s has a new hit. Its title is 'Where My Hos at, Bitch?'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "That guy who threw his shoes at President Bush has been released from prison. At a press conference he apologized to Taylor Swift. Kanye West is getting tweeted to death. Now, instead of shooting at each other, stars tweet, angrily. By the way, President Obama says his new health plan will cover whatever's wrong with Kanye West." Ex-governor Rob Blagojevitch had been on the show, and since he was accused of selling Obama's vacant Senate seat, Jimmy is selling Rob's vacant seat on eBay. Bidding closes September 17.

Jimmy Fallon: "Kanye West is hurt that President Obama called him a jackass, but Joe Biden told him, 'You get used to it.'" "Serena Williams said she wished she could hug that line judge she yelled at. That would give her a chance to do the Heimlich and get the f*****g tennis ball out of her throat." "Roger Federer was philosophical about his loss. He said the other guy just played betterer." "Taylor Swift appeared on 'The View' today. There's a place she doesn't have to worry about being interrupted."

Wednesday, September 16

Jay Leno: "Joe Wilson still refuses to apologize. Kanye West says, 'I'll do it!'" "Osama bin Laden is still releasing audio tapes. He just doesn't get this whole Twitter thing. He's a big fan of Whitney Houston. With Islamic views on women, you'd think he'd be a fan of Bobby Brown." "Blockbuster is closing a thousand stores. Now even movies going straight to video don't want to go to Blockbuster." Jay had a new segment: "Great White Moments in Black History: Ricki Lake starts saying, 'You go, girl,' so black people quit saying it. Thank you." "A couple was having sex in a dumpster when a passerby robbed them. Remember, folks, when you're having sex in a dumpster, always close the lid." "In honor of gay marriage in Vermont, Ben & Jerry came out with Hubby Hubby ice cream. Why not just 'Ben & Jerry'?" "Ellen DeGeneres is the new judge on 'American Idol.' A talk show host in prime time? I don't know. Sounds very risky." Jay announced the new government program for trading in your dumb children: "Cash for Flunkers." Guest Robin Williams: "When Serena Williams plays Merilyn Sakova it's the closest thing to phone sex you're ever going to hear." Jay asked Miley Cyrus, "Who was your idol growing up?" Miley: "Dolly Parton." Jay: "Me too!"

Jon Stewart: "Scoldplay" segment about Joe Wilson apology flap. Lewis Black on Serena Williams and Kanye West: "Oh no! Anger has taken over the 7th most popular sport and 38th most important awards show. Jay Leno made Kanye West cry. That wuss would never make it through 'Steel Magnolias.'"

Stephen Colbert: "Reading, Writing and Wrath-matic."

Conan O'Brien: "Kanye West called Taylor Swift to apologize after he saw her on 'The View." Rappers just love 'The View.'" "Whitney Houston says she told Bobby Brown she was going to the store and just never came back. When asked about this Brown said, 'She's not still at the cocaine store?'" Conan made some jokes about Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day. "I'm going to get a lot of half-finished letters about these jokes." "Adolf Hitler has 39 living relatives. Not one of them has a sign on the door 'Welcome to the Hitlers.'" "In Canada three animal rights activists dressed as seals for a protest. They were treated humanely and will make wonderful coats." "The average woman can keep a secret for 47 hours. The study itself was secret until somebody told Brenda." "A marijuana bust at Dunkin' Donuts today involved 500 cops." "New York Fashion Week featured Snuggies in zebra and leopard prints, so you can perfectly combine dork and whore."

Jimmy Fallon: "Jimmy Carter says he thinks Joe Wilson's rudeness to President Obama was based on racism. Wilson says, 'I can't get mad at Jimmy Carter. He's white.' Joe Wilson's Secret Service code name, by the way, is 'Kanye.'" "Magician David Copperfield turned 53 today. He had a great time opening his presents. 'It's a sweater. No, it's an iPod.'" "George Clooney said he'd rather have a prostate exam on live TV by a guy with cold hands than have a Facebook page. Now guys with cold hands are trying to friend him." "A Harry Potter theme park opens next week. It's expected to set a world record for most pairs of glasses lost on a ride."

Thursday, September 17

Personal note: Thanks to "Sentinel" publisher Pat Murphy for inviting me to the Geary St. Merchants Assn. awards lunch Wed. and introducing me to our new Police Chief. The Chief didn't ask why I was named Strange, and I tried not to do anything to show him.

Jay Leno: "The Federal Reserve Chairman says the recession is over. They used to say a recession is when your neighbor loses his job, and a depression is when you lose yours. In this case a recession is when big businesses have to be bailed out by the government, and depression is when we realize we're paying for it." "Have you seen the scandal with A-Porn, I mean Acorn? They were telling clients how to run a brothel and not pay taxes. For that type of advice the pimps and hos should have gone to the experts, Congressmen." "I still can't get over that couple in Wichita who were having sex in a dumpster and got robbed at knifepoint. Who says there's nothing to do in Wichita? How filthy does your apartment have to be for you to decide it would be better to take her to a dumpster? During sex do you suppose she said, 'Talk dirty to me?' In California they'd be doing it in the recycle bin." "Jon and Kate are still in the news. Jon brought the kids chocolate roses. Oh sure. He was bringing them to his mistress and got caught. 'Uh, these are for the kids.'" "Chris Brown started his community service today. Considering the charge, I'm not sure he should have shown up wearing a wife-beater." "Dina Lohan is protesting that she's a great responsible mother. She just wishes her two daughters were sober enough to back her up." "There've been millions of YouTube hits on that guy who caught the baseball in the stands and handed it to his toddler daughter, who promptly tossed it over the rail. The father hugged his daughter. Oddly enough, the same thing happened to Kevin and me." Jay showed a clip of him catching the ball and handing it to Kevin who tossed it. Jay promptly tossed Kevin over the rail too.

Jon Stewart: Correspondent John Oliver: "Afghanistan is the gold standard for quagmires. Their two biggest exports are drugs and vengeance." Jon asked guest Bill Clinton about the photo of him sitting stiffly beside North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il: "What I was trying to do was not smile and not scowl, just be an empty suit."

Stephen Colbert: "Taylor Swift's reps have announced she has nothing more to say about the Kanye West incident. That's because Kanye still has her microphone."

Conan O'Brien: "Jennifer Lopez visited the White House today, so Joe Biden was no longer the biggest ass there." "You can now carry a gun on Amtrak in sealed luggage. On Greyhound you're still not allowed to carry deodorant." "Dick Cheney had minor surgery on his back, but doctors say he'll be up and having heart surgery in no time." "There's now no public urination allowed in Pittsburgh. That's what Cleveland is for." "A woman has had to put a sign on her car for the cops: 'Don't pull me over because I'm pretty.' And if that doesn't work she'd going to start wearing clothes."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The mother of Jon and Kate's nanny who had an affair with Jon says she told her daughter not to worry because Jon had a vasectomy after the eighth kid. And here's President Obama awarding the Medal of Freedom to the doctor who performed the vasectomy." "Even President Jimmy Carter was asked by reporters to say Kanye or nay. Carter said Kanye's punishment was to appear on the new 'Jay Leno Show.' Oddly enough, Kanye has gotten a new endorsement deal out of the incident." {Showed clip for "Drink Responsibly.")

Jimmy Fallon: "Dan Brown's new book has had more sales on Amazon's Kindle than on regular books. That makes sense. I understand it's a real page-scroller." "Brett Favre's jersey is the #1 seller. That makes sense. Every other day it becomes a collector's item." "Pink has a separated shoulder and can't do the trapeze portion of her show. Doctors told her to hang in there, but don't hang in there." "A burglar got caught because he forgot to log out of his Facebook page, which he'd been checking on his victim's computer." "Pittsburgh has banned public urination and defecation. The odd thing is that it's been legal until now." Guest Dennis Quaid is playing Bill Clinton in a new movie. Jimmy: "Can you do the voice?" Dennis: "I did not have a bromance with Jimmy Fallon."

Friday, September 18

Jay Leno: "Taylor Swift and Kanye West already have an album out, 'Ebony & Apology.'" "Somehow doctors implanted one of her teeth in a woman's eye and restored her sight. When she woke up after the surgery the woman said, 'I've got a toof missing.'" "Now they're talking about mandatory health insurance, with a fine if you don't have any, and jail if you don't pay the fine. But in jail you'll have free health care." "Over 50% of women say they lose interest if a man drinks too much, but to be fair, he probably wouldn't be interested if he hadn't." "Chicago wants to be the host city for the 2016 Olympics, and the big concern is whether they could handle a disaster. Listen, they handle the Cubs every year." "It's the 158th anniversary of 'The New York Times.' I read about it online." "Afghani farmers say they have to grow poppies used in making heroin or their families will starve. If they don't want their families to starve, why don't they try growing food?" "A man in China taught his dog to do his grocery shopping. I thought in China dogs WERE groceries." "Hugh Hefner has filed for divorce. They've been separated for eleven years, but stayed married for the sake of the kids, who live in a nearby retirement home." Jay starred in an ad for a reverse potency drug, Retractz, for men whose endowment, like his, is too large. "Avoid those late-night 911 calls."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama will be on five TV shows this Sunday, in all of which he plays the wacky neighbor." "Abercrombie & Fitch is suing Beyonce over the name of her fragrance. They told her, 'Our shirtless gay lawyer will call you.'" "Facebook just signed up its 300 millionth customer, who just had a Cobb salad and is off to buy some shoes." "A British company is selling an unbreakable umbrella that can support 200 pounds. England needs it, because Mary Poppins has really let herself go." "There's a new video came where you can control breasts and make them jiggle. Unfortunately, the game is 'John Madden Football.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy picked Donny Osmond to win "Dancing with the Stars" since he'll start out with 10,000 votes from his family alone.

Jimmy Fallon: "The average woman can keep a secret for 47 hours. The average man can pretend to be interested in the secret for an average of 30 seconds." "A 12-year-old boy returned for the first day of school in a dress, because he had a sex-change operation over the summer. He wins for the best ever 'What I Did on My Summer Vacation.'" "Thank you to the coiners of celebrity couple names for not calling Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler 'Anisbutt.'" "And finally, thanks to my 35th birthday for making the audience give me a huge round of applause."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "On MTVs VMA Awards a teenage millionaire was interrupted by an older millionaire as she accepted an award for a music video." Joel showed the poster Jessica Simpson posted around the neighborhood after a coyote ran off with her dog. "Jessica is looking for a dog and a coyote who can read posters." "Guess which 'More to Love' contestant was Tyra in a fat suit."

Emmy Awards, Sunday, September 20

Host Neil Patrick Harris Sings Opening Number

"Mad Men" star John Hamm: "Comedy is just drama with less smoking."

Jon Cryer acceptance speech: "I used to think awards were just shallow recognition of a fleeting moment, but now I realize they're the only real measure of a man's true worth." The host lost to Jon and asked him what went through his mind when he won. Jon: "In your face, Neil Patrick Harris!"

Winner Jeffrey Blitz: "The first thing I did when I learned I'd been nominated was to kiss Angelina Jolie. Then I went back to sleep."

Clip from "The Big Bang Theory" showed waitress Penny giving Sheldon a napkin autographed by Leonard Nimoy and apologizing that he'd already wiped his lips with it. Sheldon: "All I need is a healthy ovum, and I can grow a copy of Leonard Nimoy!"

Ricky Gervais: "This is the best awards show. At the Oscars and Golden Globes they have all those gorgeous movie stars, but in this room I'm probably above average. Steve Carell is handsome in this room." "This joke's just for the 5,000 people in this room and not for the 5,000 watching at home."

Jon Stewart acceptance speech: "We're happy to be up here looking handsomer than Ricky Gervais."

Presenter Bob Newhart: "I'm glad Tina Fey won, because now she has to give me a big kiss. If she hadn't won, I'd have continued to honor the restraining order."

Host Neil Patrick Harris as Dr. Horrible

Monday, September 21

David Letterman: "The 'Dead Actors Montage' was so long at the Emmys that a dozen dead actors had to be honored at a special luncheon." "I'm in a great mood because the President is on our show tonight. I underwent three hours of frisking. They even checked under my hairpiece. Security is even tighter than Joan Rivers' face. They blocked off 53rd Street. They even had to move the 'Fire Dave' rally. I told my mom President Obama was going to be on the show tonight, and she said, 'Oh, maybe I'll switch from Conan.' I haven't seen the President since he invited Sarah Palin and me to the White House for a beer. Security is tight in New York today. Have you been down to the harbor?"

"We were never able to get President Bush on the show. He was always too busy not working. Did you see President Bush down in Texas yesterday at the big Giants and Cowboys game, sitting next to John Madden? Bush did the coin toss, and it was the same coin the Supreme Court used to give him the election." Guest Barack Obama: "First of all I think it's important to realize that I was actually black before the election."
Top Ten Reasons President Obama Agreed To Appear on the "Late Show:" 10. Heard the lady with the heart-shaped potato was going to be here. 9. Thought it would be fun to watch someone else get heckled. 8. Has something to do with that whole "Cash for Clunkers" thing. 6. In this economy, someone offers you $600, you take it. 2. Said, "Yes" without thinking... Like Bush did with Iraq. 1. Wanted to congratulate Dave on the big Emmy win.

Jay Leno: "Did you read about those father and son terrorists in Denver? If they blew themselves up together and got their 72 virgins... Do you really want to have sex with 72 virgins with your father there?" Segment "Great White Moments in Black History:" A white man invented basketball, and the first teams were all white. "You know what happened." "There's a debate over whether obesity is an actual disease. Let's hope so. Then when your wife asks if her ass is fat you can say, 'Honey, I'm not a doctor.'" "Gold is over $1,000 an ounce. That means the value of rappers' mouths has doubled." "Jon Gosselin got a speeding ticket over the weekend. He was going nowhere fast." "A former Playboy Playmate said she was fired from 'Entourage' because she wouldn't have sex with the cast members, and that their hands were always all over her. That's why I won't go on 'The View' anymore." In the "Ten Questions" segment Congressman Barney Frank was asked whether he'd rather have lunch with Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck or Ann Coulter. He picked Rush Limbaugh because he'd have painkillers with him. Asked what the last thing was he'd told a President that he later regretted, he said, "Don't worry, Mr. Clinton, they don't have the guts to impeach you." If he had to get a tattoo it would be "Your name" on the tip of his tongue. Headlines: "Panel OKs Mandatory Noninterference." "Dead couple kept to themselves, neighbors say." TV listing: "Spock's sudden overwhelming urge to mate endangers Captain Kirk." A real estate ad described a house as being on a "cuddle sac." Classified: "Lost cat. Name is either Ed or Betty."

Conan O'Brien: "Big Emmy wins for '30 Rock' and 'Mad Men.' In other words it was a great night for about three blocks of Manhattan." "There's now a claim that President Bush actually supported gay marriage. He said, 'If it works for Bert and Ernie ...'" "A study shows California has the nation's dirtiest tap water, though it's okay as long as you chew it thoroughly." "Iran's President Ahmadinejad is in New York, but some restaurants say they'll refuse to serve him. No shirt, no holocaust, no service."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama was on five talk shows on Sunday. Even Heidi and Spencer went, 'Tone it down.'" "Dinner with Sarah Palin went for $63,000 on eBay. Of course she'll leave after the salad." "In New Jersey a 4-year-old brought his daddy's cocaine to kindergarten. Teachers noticed it when he started collecting all the other kids' straws and then displayed it in Blow and Tell." "A naked 91-year-old man held a thief at gunpoint until police came. It was just nuts. And it would make the worst Clint Eastwood movie ever."

Craig Ferguson: "Today, I kid you not, is Miniature Golf Day, so I drove my balls into a giant clown's mouth." "Here on CBS we have a different 'CSI' every night. It's our version of 'The Jay Leno Show.' More skin, less chin."

Chelsea Handler: "I do not think it's a coincidence that Mickey Rourke and syphilis are making comebacks at the same time."

Tuesday, September 22

David Letterman: "A guy in Florida calls 911 because the bartender cut him off, so he's reporting the 'emergency' that he can't get another drink. I tell you, that Andy Dick has got to get help." "A 107-year-old woman is looking for her 23rd husband. How about that Liz Taylor? A 107-year-old woman looking for a husband. Great, now that I'm married." "Somebody bought dinner with Sarah Palin on eBay for $63,500. That's a lot of money, but, hey, she'll shoot the main course. Yes, it's a lot of money, but you can sit down, talk to her, get to know her. It's something John McCain should have done a year ago." "Last week Dick Cheney had back surgery. It was complications from carrying Bush for eight years. Doctors said the surgery was risky but not necessary. Like the Iraq war."

Jay Leno: "Today is the first day of autumn. Sarah Palin says the dying leaves are the result of President Obama's health care policies." "There's a security alert saying Al-Qaeda is targeting vital economic centers. Good luck to them on finding one." "You know the difference between President Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox." "Supposedly John Edwards had told his mistress he'd marry her after his wife died in a big wedding in New York with entertainment by the Dave Matthews Band. Shouldn't that have been Cheap Trick?" "A man was arrested for masturbating while driving, which I guess is illegal unless you have a handsfree device. And is that car-jacking?" "Twitter is now worth a billion dollars. So Twitter is rich and annoying. It's the Paris Hilton of companies." "David Hasselhoff says he wasn't drunk. He just has an ear problem. Yeah, he couldn't hear the bartender telling him he'd had enough." "In the new 'Sex & the City' movie you can tell they're getting a little old. This time the city is Boca Raton." "A study shows that short women are more likely to have orgasms, which explains why those runway models are always pouting." Guest Mariana Franklin: "On of the benefits of having white people in Harlem is that now I can get a salad." Amy Poehler answering 10@10: The last thing her husband Will Arnett made her for dinner? "Angry." At the Emmys did anyone blow you off? "Yeah, the Emmys." What three luxury items would you want on a desert island? "Seasons 1 and 2 of 'Lost' and Latoya Jackson."

Stephen Colbert: "Bullet Train: At last you can bring your gun on Amtrak. The conductor no longer punches your ticket. You throw it up in the air when he yells, 'Pull!'"

Conan O'Brien: "It's the first day of fall. Here in L.A. we can watch the smog change colors." "Chrysler is no longer putting owners manuals in cars. Or owners in cars." "The MacArthur Foundation awarded a genius grant to a guy who sold his house three years ago." "One group is saying humans should pull the plug on pandas, because they're not strong enough to survive on their own. Also the Detroit Tigers." "Employees in an Irish pizzeria were fired for watching porn on the job. Isn't that disgusting, Irish people trying to make pizza?" Guest Lisa Lampanelli is engaged. "He's Italian, so the engagement ring still had a finger in it." "I'm Italian and Polish, so I keep making myself offers I can't understand."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Obama had wanted his health plan to be bipartisan, but now he'll be happy if it's just bi-curious." "President Obama even appeared on the Maury Povich show. The good news, he's not the father. John Edwards is."

Jimmy Fallon: "American Indians are being awarded $224 million. They'll put it all on black." "The Hoff says he wasn't drunk and is looking forward to serving on jury duty this week. Anyone who's looking forward to jury duty has to be drunk." "Now there's a new topical cream for erectile dysfunction. It's called lotion. A stroke of genius. It's the only medicine that requires absolutely no directions. You thought it was bad when your buddy asked you to rub suntan lotion on his back." "It's the first day of fall, or as the Mets call it, hiatus."

Craig Ferguson: "President Obama was on David Letterman. I liked Stupid Biden Tricks." "It's the first day of autumn. I use my leaf blower for hours, sometimes even on leaves. Here in L.A. the leaves go from brown to on fire."

Wednesday, September 23

David Letterman: "President Obama brought Israeli and Palestinian leaders together, and it was awkward. They stared at each other for an uncomfortably long time, and then they finally shook hands. It was like my wedding night." "Then Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a hate-filled speech, and I went, where's that 'You lie!' guy when you need him? I'd like to say a couple of words about Ahmadinejad. Short and ugly." "Osama bin Laden was supposed to address the UN, but he dropped out at the last minute due to mercury poisoning." "I had a bad start to the day. Sun just coming up, I was thrown out of my tent in Donald Trump's yard. Muammar Qadaffi wanted to pitch his tent in New Jersey, and they said no. Then he wanted to pitch it in Joan Rivers' apartment, and that fell through. So he went to Westchester and pitched his tent in Donald Trump's backyard, and they said no, you can't stay here. So I'm thinking, what about the Kampground of America, the KOA? Also, Trump evidently has a tribe of Bedouins living in that thing on his head. But Qadaffi is living it up in New York City. Today he arrived on a stretch camel." "The Chinese paid Sarah Palin $300,000 for the speech. I guess she could see the cash from her house." "Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg, and he was sentenced to two years in prison, for shooting himself. Outside prison that's embarrassing. Inside prison it's REALLY embarrassing. He was sentenced for having an unholstered loaded piece in his pants. And it accidentally went off. And that's what got Governor Spitzer in trouble."

Jay Leno: "Muammar Qadaffi was supposed to speak for 15 minutes at the UN and he ran on for 90 minutes. Where's Kanye West when we need him?" "There's a new alert that terrorists are targeting succesful entertainment centers. So you folks are safe here at NBC." "Michelle Obama is upset at blondes who rub up against the President, especially Chris Matthews." "A study showed that 42% of women have used vibrators. The other 48% bought theirs brand new."

Jon Stewart entitled the United Nations Climate Summit "World of Warm Craft."

Stephen Colbert: "The United Nations is even hosting Kenya's Barack Obama."

Conan O'Brien: "At the UN Qadaffi applauded President Obama, but Iran's Ahmadinejad refused. The big surprise was when Kim Jong Il started the wave." "Sarah Palin made a speech in China. Her topic was, 'Are you sure you're not Japan?'" "Amy Winehouse launched her own record label. It's the first thing she's launched in years that didn't have to be cleaned up with a mop." Guest Martin Short: "First of all, Jay ..."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tom DeLay was known as 'The Hammer' when he was in Congress. And that's what you want to hit yourself with when you see him on 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "The Japanese Prime Minister thanked Obama for all the money from Cash for Clunkers." "Joe Biden gave a speech at an old folks home, and they were happy just to live through it." "The Dow Jones is up, and shareholders said thank God, or however you say that in Chinese." "Chaz Bono is writing a memoir about how she went from a woman to a man. It's the only memoir that becomes a pop-up book at the end."

Craig Ferguson: "It's the 250th anniversary of Guinness Beer. The Irish were in the streets, drinking and throwing up on each other. Then they found out about the Guinness anniversary."

Thursday, September 24

David Letterman: "I drove by the UN today. There were a bunch of world leaders outside hooting at chicks." "Did you hear Obama's speech? It's nice to have a President who can pronounce 'nuclear,' isn't it?" "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made a speech. He said he hates the U.S.; he hates Israel, and he hates that new pedestrian mall on Broadway. Well, we can't blame him for that." "Muammar Qadaffi's speech was so long even the audience started pitching tents. He tried to pitch his tent in New Jersey and then in Joan Rivers' apartment and then in Donald Trump's yard. He's so desperate for a place to stay he's even trying to get Madonna to adopt him." Top Ten Reasons You Should Visit New Zealand presented by New Zealand Prime Minister John Key: 10. The Auckland Airport now has a Cinnabon. 9. We have the loosest slot machines in the Pacific Rim. 7. It's like England without the attitude. 6. Down there Leno's on at 9 o'clock. 5. Get the whanau together, stay in a bach, crack open the chilly bin and slap on your jandals. 2. We drive on the left side of the road, like the British and Lindsay Lohan. 1. Unlike most of the world, we still like Americans.

Jay Leno: "Obama told the UN, don't expect America to fix all your problems. What happened to 'Yes we can?'" "Sarah Palin spoke in Hong Kong yesterday, and then she shot pandas from a helicopter." "There's a new ordinance in L.A. that limits you to one rooster per household. You can still have up to fifty illegal immigrants." "Plaxico Burress can't catch a break. He was stabbed in the thigh in the prison yard. By himself." "Hugh Hefner has filed for divorce. I think he's getting a little old. He's had three girlfriends, and lately he finds himself entering a room and forgetting who he was going to do."

Jon Stewart: "Did you see Qadaffi at the UN? He looked like what would happen if Little Richard raided Rue McClanahan's closet." Jon touched guest Rod Blagojevich's hair and said, "My wife just won a bet."

Stephen Colbert: "Forest Bump: My guest Ken Burns has made a documentary about National Parks. He'll do anything to get his vacation slides shown."

Conan O'Brien: "Qadaffi has fifty attractive female bodyguards in case he gets attacked, or wants to make a music video from 1985." "Obama encouraged the UN delegates to do some shopping while they're here, so the Chinese bought three banks, four brokerage houses and the state of Wyoming." "Chrysler is replacing owners manuals with DVDs, and owners are replacing Chryslers with Toyotas." "Now you can do karaoke at home on your computer. At last, a way to make karaoke even sadder." "Scientists now say prehistoric man wasn't monogamous. As proof, Larry King has been married eight times." Guest Joel McHale: "I went on 'The View,' and they asked me why I was always making fun of them on 'The Soup.' I said, 'Have you seen your show?'" "Tyra did a segment on her show about people who eat cigarette ashes, so on 'The Soup' I ate my Grandpa's ashes. It sort of upset my Grandma."

Jimmy Kimmel: "A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a 19-pound baby, which promptly ate the baby next to it. What's even more amazing, this wasn't even the biggest baby of 2009. That was Kanye West." "A man hung a gym weight on his penis to try to enlarge it." Jimmy showed a clip of a woman ssaying, "Don't put your wiener in a dumbbell." Jimmy: "Try telling that to Hugh Hefner." To guest Rob Lowe: "Are your kids ugly too?"

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama is now hosting the G20 Summit, where the biggest question is, 'Why are we in Pittsburgh?'" "An Indonesian woman gave birth to a 19-pound baby. They told her, 'Congratulations, it's a man.' They had to use wire cutters on the umbilical cord. When her water broke, three people drowned." "Utah has the youngest brides, with an average age of 23, or as Hugh Hefner calls them, cougars." "Scientists have discovered a new species of sharks with their sex organs on their heads. Don't go near them. They're real dickheads."

Craig Ferguson: "Last night I thought it was a bisexual leprechaun, but it was just a metrognome." "Have you seen 'The Mentalist'? He's so observant he can tell what you're thinking. He's like a woman in a man's body. I know exactly how he feels. I know what you people are thinking; 'Why is he still on TV?'" "I wear a tinfoil hat to pick up vibrations. I also wear tinfoil underwear. Not for psychic purposes. It just keeps everything fresh."

Friday, September 25

David Letterman: "President Obama called Governor Patterson and told him not to run. Tension between them. In fact, it looks like the Governor may have to invite himself to the White House for a beer." "There's a new show about organ transplants called 'Three Rivers,' and there's another show about face transplants called 'Joan Rivers.' Then 'Ghost Whisperer' is back, about a woman who runs errands for dead people. In the first episode she gets Walter Cronkite a pizza." "On eBay a guy paid $63,500 to have dinner with Sarah Palin. Hope he likes porcupine. I've paid that much not to have dinner with Regis." "Tonight is our 5,000th show. And I still haven't gotten it right. People are always asking me, 'Why do you still do it?' That's easy, the Ironwood Gambling Casino. I was just trying to count up today how many gorgeous actresses have said to me, 'Because I'm not interested, Grandpa!' We've been here for five Presidents, six if you count Dick Cheney." "This is nice. For our 5,000th show CBS has put up a billboard in Times Square." There was a huge billboard for Jay Leno, and under it a tiny ad for Dave's 5,000th.
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $63,500 On Dinner With Sarah Palin: 9. "Do my kids really need to go to college?" 8. "Is it 'All the Moose You Can Eat'?" 7. "Should I prepare by reading every magazine and newspaper?" 6. "Does it have to be at the Denny's where Todd works?" 5. "Should we have dinner in Alaska or Russia?" 4. "Will she hunt and shoot the main course?" 3. "63 grand? That's nearly half of her weekly wardrobe budget!" Remember that reference? 1. "Will I be done in time to get to the 'Fire Dave' rally?"

Jay Leno: "A poll showed 75% thinking Americans are becoming ruder. The other 25% said screw 'em." "Obama warned the world economic leaders that if the economy doesn't improve, next year's G20 Summit will also be held in Pittsburgh." "The mayor of a town in Wisconsin got recorded on somebody's cell phone camera in a bar saying his sister-in-law was good at a certain sex act. On the news they showed him speaking at a public meeting with his wife beside him. The sister-in-law wasn't there, though she may have been under the podium." "Governor Sandford's wife is writing her memoirs: 'Men Are From Mars; Whores Are From Argentina.'" "The Pillsbury Doughboy is 45 today. The next time you see him being poked by a finger, it may not be in the stomach." "A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a 19-pound baby, which should be walking about six months before the mother." "A study shows playing sports makes you smarter, which explains how all those athletes can graduate without ever attending class." "Hotels in Britain have started renting sex toys. Boy, you thought people were hard on rental cars ..." Guest Hugh Laurie: "Do you miss the desk?" Jay: "No, except that now I have to wear pants."

Conan O'Brien fell and hit his head in a stunt gone wrong and was rushed to the hospital, so his show was canceled. "Last thing I remember I was enjoying the play with Mrs. Lincoln, and the next thing I knew I was in bed being served cookies and juice" O'Brien said in a statement from the hospital. He has since been released and is expected to be back on the air Monday.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Mackenzie Phillips had a ten-year sexual relationship with her father, John Phillips of the Mamas and Papas. The affair began when she was stuck for a Father's Day gift." "Jessica Simpson's dog got stolen by a coyote, and Martha Stewart said she should have watched the dog more carefully, which leads to the question, 'Who let the dogs out?'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Barbara Walters is 80, which is 20/20 and 20/20." "Hugo Chavez says the UN doesn't smell of sulfur anymore. Now it smells of something else, and you know what it is, France." "A woman got pregnant while she was already pregnant. It's like you luck out with a single dorm room, and then they toss in a roommate." "A restaurant has named a dish after Joe Biden. It's a hamburger shaped like a foot. In a CBS interview John Gotti's daughter admitted her father was a killer. Today CBS went missing." "Bank of America has been sued for a trillion dollars. If they lose, two executives will have to give up their bonuses."

Craig Ferguson: "R. Kelly has released a new song 'Number One.' Is that the best title for a guy who was arrested for peeing on someone?" "Scientists have found an increase in the number of fish that have both male and female sex organs. Unfortunately, the scientists didn't discover this until they'd lured the fish back to their apartment." "There's a new 'Fame' movie. They say you should dance as though no one's watching, which I should be used to. I always look uncomfortable dancing. It's all the dollar bills stuffed in my thong." Guests the creators of "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" on working with Mr. T: "Mr. T said, 'You don't ask Mr. T if he wants coffee. Do you ask Mr. Coffee if he wants tea?'"

Baby Dancing to Beyonce

Monday, September 28

David Letterman: "Today is Yom Kippur, which means this morning former President George W. Bush got up early and started looking for Easter eggs." "It's autumn in New York. We see a change from brown to gold to rust, and that's just the tap water. You can tell it's fall. Today Iran was making enriched cider. Ahmadinejad fired a missile, to compensate for not being able to fire a missile someplace else, if you know what I mean. Not only that, Iran is now testing a talk show at 10 p.m." "Brett Favre had a big day yesterday. Successfully completed a pass, of a kidney stone." "You know Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg and got sent to prison for two years. If he'd shot somebody else he's have only served a weekend. The funny part, he got arrested when he picked himself out of a lineup." "You know pretty boy John Edwards, was running for Vice President? Seems he's been sleeping with women all over the United States. Have you folks been down to the harbor today?"

"Sarah Palin was paid $300,000 to make a speech in Hong Kong. Apparently she could see the money from her house." Top Ten Tips For Being Cool presented by Brody Jenner: 8. Don't juggle more than one bromance at the same time. 1. If you are watching this at home right now, you're already screwed.

Jay Leno: "It was 106 in Burbank today. I was sweating like Roman Polanski at a Hannah Montana concert. He had sex with a 13-year-old girl. It's been so long ago, you know who that little girl was? Angela Lansbury." "Conan O'Brien got injured hitting his head while taping Friday night's show. Unfortunately he has NBC insurance, and they disallowed the claim as a preexisting condition. Also, since he works for NBC there's suspicion it may have been a suicide attempt." "Did you see that guy who was plotting terrorism with his father? Even Mackenzie Phillips was going, 'Ew!'" "South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford sprained both wrists while riding a bicycle. He gets in trouble every time he mounts something." "There's an advisory going around the internet to watch out for bad coffee enemas. Is there a good coffee enema? The worst part of waking up is Folgers in your butt." "In California you can now get medical marijuana delivered, like pizza. In fact, some places deliver both, saving you a call." Guest Bill Maher: "Jay, I watched Michael Moore on your show and then Rush Limbaugh, and they both got the same amount of applause. It makes no sense." Jay: "The audience thought they were watching 'Biggest Loser.'" Headlines featured restaurants with odd names: Blue Puppi Korean Restaurant, Soon Fatt, The Golden Shower, Phat Phuk Noodle Bar, The Chocolate Log.

Jon Stewart: "G-20 Conference: Pittsburgh Irates." Showed clip of President Obama: "There's a uranium enrichment plant near Qum." Jon: "Did you hear that? There's a town called Qum." Title: "Qum Shot."

Stephen Colbert: "Conan O'Brien fell and hit his head and had to be rushed to the hospital. Evidently his soft spot hadn't quite closed. Folks, I fractured my wrist on this stage and still did that night's show. I know the infotainment must go on."

Conan O'Brien: "Friday night I hit my head and gave myself a concussion, and if you folks are really nice, tonight I'll do it again. Don't applaud that!" Andy Richter: "I rode in the ambulance with you, and I don't know whether to mention it, but the ambulance guys took a lot of photos of your penis. They even put a pair of sunglasses on it. I assumed it was something medical." "There's a shortage of ammunition, so Wal-Mart is limiting the number of bullets they'll sell to a single customer, because if you want to piss off any customer, make it the guy who buys bullets." "'The Wizard of Oz' has been released in hi-definition, and I think there's a little TOO much detail." Conan showed a clip, and Dorothy had five-o'clock shadow. "A man in New Jersey was arrested for having sex with five different cows. He just couldn't take moo for an answer."

Jimmy Fallon: "The founder of The Gap died. The coffin was relaxed fit. Turns out he even served in the Old Navy." "Conan O'Brien is back after hitting his head. Turns out that big red thing on his head isn't a helmet." "A scientist says the toxin of a poisonous spider is good for erectile disfunction." Jimmy acted out the scientist trying to talk his lab assistants into testing his theory. "'60 MInutes' started its 42nd season. It's almost old enough to watch itself."

Craig Ferguson: "Conan O'Brien hit his head and had to be rushed to the hospital. 'The Tonight Show' hasn't had an accident this big since they moved Jay to 10 o'clock." "Ozzy Osbourne, who's 60, just got his first drivers license, so Mel Gibson is no longer the craziest driver out there." "The Mayor of East Cleveland, Ohio, is in trouble after photos of him surfaced in which he's wearing ladies lingerie. The scandal broke when Eddie Murphy was seen giving him a ride home." Guest Paula Poundstone: "Obama's been all over the TV. We're got to pass a health care bill soon, or he's going to be a regular on 'General Hospital.' And there's a lot of misinformation. I know there's no bill with Chloroform Grandpa Day." "I want my son to play cello so it'll get him into a better gang."

"The Big Bang Theory:" Howard: "You understand shiksa goddesses are not real goddesses. We don't pray to them. We prey on them."

Tuesday, September 29

David Letterman: "New York is infested by skunks. You don't believe me, but have you been down to the harbor today?"

"The economy's looking a little better now. They got Regis to issue more money." "Chicago wants the 2016 Olympics, and even former Governor Rod Blagojevitch is pitching in. He says if they pick Chicago he'll even throw in a U.S. Senate seat." "The CIA has a new plan for capturing Osama bin Laden. They're going to invite him to Zurich, Switzerland, to pick up a lifetime achievement award, and then they're going to cuff him." "Sarah Palin has finished her book. It's a big book, over 400 pages. So when you go into the bookstore you can use it to stand on to reach a better book. The book will be out this November. Coincidentally, she was out last November. Have you seen the book?"

"Todd's a good-looking guy, ain't he? 'Going Rogue' is not to be confused with John McCain's memoir 'Going Several Times a Night.'" Paul Shaffer: "I can see Sarah Palin's book from my front porch." Dave: "Remember when that plane landed in the Hudson, and then later it turned out to be a publicity stunt for U.S. Airways to promote their new LaGuardia to midtown service? Well, Captain Sullenberger is back in the air again." Dave showed a clip of an airliner doing loops.
Top Ten Sarah Palin Tips For Writing a Book: 10. Close curtains so you don't get distracted by Russia. 9. Increase vocabulary -- use words like "slanket." 8. First buy yourself 100-grand worth of writing outfits. 7. Don't write a word until the check clears. 5. You can never have enough stories about ice fishing or killing things with your bare hands. 4. When in doubt, just type (wink). 3. Don't let writing cut into attending "Fire Letterman" rallies. 2. Have a book translated for sale to European countries like London. 1. "I'll try to find ya some tips and I'll bring 'em to ya!"

Jay Leno: "Roman Polanski is in Switzerland fighting extradition to the U.S. Why not just slip him a couple of Quaaludes like he did with that 13-year-old girl?" "It turns out Iran had been hiding its nuclear facilities behind the facade of a movie theater showing the new Megan Fox film." "A terrorist blew himself up with an explosive device hidden in his rectum. It wasn't just a heinous crime; it was an anus crime. Talk about the Shiite hitting the fan!" "That campaign aide who was pretending he fathered that child said John Edwards had sex with many other women along the campaign trail. Sounds like the same trail the Governor of South Carolina was hiking." "A teacher donated a kidney to a student. At last a good organ exchange between teacher and pupil." "There's a new program to catch, neuter and release feral animals. Why not try that with Jon and Kate?" "Wild turkeys have been attacking humans, and authorities say they don't know when the attacks will end. Thanksgiving maybe?" "Conan O'Brien was injured Friday night and had to be rushed to the hospital. He's fine now, but that's why I left that place. It's a deathtrap!" "A remake of 'Fame' just opened. We were supposed to remember their names. Do you remember any of their names?"
10@10 with Billy Crystal: What movie do you wish you hadn't passed on? "'Big Brazen Ladies of Denver.'" What's the first thing you do in the morning? "First I have wild, crazy sex, and just hope I don't wake up Janice. Actually, I have a bowel movement at 6:30, but, unfortunately, I don't wake up until 7."
Jay asked one of the Real Housewives of Orange County what President was known as The Rough Rider, and she stated positively, "Bill Clinton.
"

Jon Stewart: "Deep Space Naan:" Jon was talking about our new moon shot which showed there's a lot of water on the moon when Aasif Mandvi objected that it was an Indian space shot which only had technical support from the U.S. "We got your Best Picture Oscar. We got your moon. And what's the deal with all the American taxi drivers in Delhi?"

Stephen Colbert: "Being a good Catholic I caught Pope Benedict's speech in Prague, and there was a spider that crawled across His Holiness's face. What if it had bitten him? We might now have SpiderPope. Super powers AND infallibility. If it turns out the Pope is a half-arachnid, at least it would make him less creepy."

Conan O'Brien: "In California you can now get medical marijuana delivered to you home. The slogan is, 'If it's not there in 30 minutes, he's not coming, dude.'" "Al-Qaeda has a new tactic of avoiding security by hiding explosives in agents' rectums, leading to a new security protocol: 'You check.' 'No, you check.'" "A company is offering bathrobes styled as Jedi cloaks. They come in 'His' and 'His Parents' sets." "On 'The Hills' four other actors are making more than Spencer Pratt, but he doesn't care. He says being a douchebag is not about the money." Monday night Conan showed a clip of the new hi-def "Wizard of Oz" in which Dorothy had five-o'clock shadow. Tonight he showed the Cowardly Lion, who had a big, swinging pixilated penis. Andy Richter: "I don't know why he's cowardly." Celebrity Survey: I got where I am today ... Lindsay Lohan: "By being pushed out of the moon roof on an SUV." My favorite iPhone app ... Conan: "Locates head trauma units by zip code." When you hear me laughing I'm watching ... Dick Cheney: "Factory farming videos on PETA." When people see my face they say ... Joan Rivers: "Who put a Garfield candle in the microwave?" A side benefit of my career is that ... Paris Hilton: "I can shake a beer can in each hand for ten hours without getting tired." My favorite pasta is ... O.J. Simpson: "Murderoni." I love a woman who has ... Ryan Seacrest: "No idea I'm thinking about Orlando Bloom while we're having sex." Guest Quinn Dale: "I went to an AA meeting, and they said to quit hanging around alcoholics, so I quit AA." "Elderly drivers. I think they're just heading toward the light."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Sarah Palin's new book is called 'Going Rogue,' obviously a rip-off of Joe Biden's book 'Going Rogaine'" "Obama wants longer school days and a longer school year. We elected the kid who reminds the teacher she forgot to assign homework."

Jimmy Fallon: "Sarah Palin's new book is 400 pages. It starts out fine, then gets confusing, and the last 100 pages are blank. It's $24.95, but the jacket is $5,000." "Lady Gaga has won Billboard's Rising Star Award. She deserves it. She has the total package."

Craig Ferguson: "Have you seen the photos of the East Cleveland Mayor that got released on the internet?

"Where does a man that size get ladies' lingerie that fits? The guy who fixed his computer stole the photos. If you're into kinky sex and photography, and your computer breaks, throw it away. Don't just throw it away. Run over it with a steamroller and then tell Lindsay Lohan the powder is cocaine."

Wednesday, September 30

David Letterman: Sorry, Dave's monologue was missing from the CBS site today. Guest Madonna was carried regally down the aisle on a litter by the New York Rangers. Dave: "Have you ever ridden hockey players before?" When Dave mentioned A-Rod, Madonna asked, "Didn't you almost get arrested once for bringing A-Rod up?" Dave: "No. I almost got FIRED." Dave ordered a pizza for Madonna. "What do you like on your pie?" Madonna: "That's a very personal question." Top Ten Things Never Before Spoken By A Hockey Player, presented by the New York Rangers: 10. "Instead of fighting, why don't we work things out over brunch?" Donald Brashear 6. "High scorer gets to pick which Barbra Streisand CD we listen to on the bus" Chris Drury 5. "Forget all the goals and the awards -- Gordie Howe has one nice looking butt" Marc Staal 4. "For good luck, I lick the puck" Christopher Higgins 2. "Who can concentrate on hockey when Jennifer Aniston still hasn't found love?" Henrik Lundqvist 1. "I wish Letterman was on at ten" Sean Avery

Jay Leno: "Terrorists are now hiding explosives in their buttocks. I guess now they're Ass-Qaeda. I hope this doesn't catch on. It's bad enough having to take our shoes off when we go through security. This bombs in the rectum thing has really got our guys worried. They're air-dropping bran muffins all over Afghanistan." "Now it seems there's a John Edwards sex tape. At first I was skeptical. Him letting someone else in front of a camera? But I think it's real. In the middle he calls out his own name." "Great White Moments in Black History: The white president of VH1 cancels Flava Flav. Thank you, white president of VH1." "In a poll 50% of Americans picked Wal-Mart as the company most representative of us. The other 50% worked there." "Did you read about those Southern California mother and daughter hookers?" Jay showed a photo of Joan and Melissa Rivers. Jay then showed the real story behind Conan O'Brien's fall and concussion on his Friday night show. Jay and Kevin Eubanks were in the audience, and Jay threw a handful of little hard candy balls onto Conan's stage.

Conan O'Brien: "Oprah and President Obama are going to Copenhagen to lobby for holding the 2016 Olympics in Chicago. Unfortunately that leaves the country in the hands of Joe Biden and Jerry Springer." "A study on why women have sex said it's a combination of desire, obligation and feeling sorry for the guy. Men everywhere said, 'Whatever.'" "There was a competition to find the best pole dancer in America. It was conducted by the Clinton Global Initiative."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Now it appears the wedding between Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom was a fake, and they won't get married for real until the pre-nup is signed. Actually, now the pre-nup has been signed, but the lawyers are still negotiating the divorce." "The Wisconsin Tourist Federation had the unfortunate initials WTF, so they've had to change their name to Tourist Federation of Wisconsin."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Congressional health care committee rejected the public option and went with the Republican plan of 'Take an Advil and get over it." "Toyota had to recall 4,000,000 cars because of floor mats that can cause trouble. Chrysler said, 'We'll take the mats.'" "The 2014 Gay Games are going to be held in Cleveland. That's funny. I thought the Tonys were always in New York." "Starbucks has come out with an instant coffee. You put it in a cup and add hot water and then call out your name incorrectly." "You can now take your gun into a bar in Arizona. That'll be good for body shots."

Craig Ferguson: "There's a new Barbra Streisand album. She's getting up there. It'll be sold exclusively on iPrunes." "The 2014 Gay Olympics are going to be held in Cleveland. There'll be no podium. The medalists will just gather around in a wieners circle." "The Mayor of East Cleveland, who was photographed in ladies undergarments, was voted out of office. There's always a younger hotter transvestite coming along behind you. If you're lucky."

 

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