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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

 

September 2008

Daniel Tosh on Comedy Central: "And by Asian I mean Afghani, not the Thai kind where the pinkie goes up my ass. I don't like that. I do like it, but hey, I'm not an open book." "Have you ever worn flip-flops at a urinal and felt splashing on your feet and you haven't started yet? Do you ignore it? No, you face the aggressor and coo, 'Oh, thank you, my brother.'"

Dane Cook on Comedy Central: An atheist thinks he'll die and decompose into the earth and maybe become a tall tree. You should cut that tree down, send it to a paper mill and print a Bible on him." "A bad relationship is a relationshit." "I talk so much in the movies the black people behind me go 'Shh!'"

Bill Burr on Comedy Central: "There are too many pedophiles on TV. I used to love children. Now I'm terrified to look at one. Being a pedophile is easier now. You used to have to buy an ice cream truck and find out when school let out. Now you just google '6-year-olds whose parents are asleep.'"

Craig Ferguson: "It's autumn now. In West Hollywood the bears are looking for a hole to hibernate in. And Andy Dick is out in his yard raking up the empty vodka bottles." "Of course the Log Cabin Republicans support Mc Cain. They both want to distance themselves from Bush. McCain likes the gay Republicans. At least they won't embarrass him with unwanted pregnancies." "Michael Jackson's old enough to join AARP. 'You kids get onto my lawn!'" "Sarah Palin. The Republicans haven't been this excited about a woman since Monica Lewinsky."

Jon Stewart: "Why did the Republicans hold their convention in Minnesota which has voted Democratic for decades? We found the answer." [They're outside the famous Larry Craig airport restroom.] "These men legislate against their true natures for four years. Then they come here to let loose." Jason Jones was in a stall hanging on the partition, "I'm in stall 3 with a little part of me in stall four. I'm here to support .. . Oh! Oh! Aaah!" The handicapped stall had three nearly naked go-go boys and John Oliver, etc. Guest Mike Huckabee said Sarah Palin suddenly had more photographers after than Britney Spears. Stewart: "Sarah Palin got out of her car without her underwear?"

Jay Leno: "This is 'Pleasure Your Partner Month,' or as men call it, September." Leno had Mo Rocca reporting at the Republican National Convention: "If the Republicans compare Obama to Britney Spears, then with the pregnant daughter the Republicans are Jamie Lynn Spears" On "Headlines" Leno had a classified ad for "Pinewood bonk beds." Guest Russell Brand, host of Sunday's MTV Awards: "When I met the Queen, a little part of me was going, 'Grab her boobs!'"

Dave Letterman: Sarah Palin likes to shoot rifles. I'll say one thing for her daughter's boyfriend. He's got guts. Sarah Palin appeals to women so strongly Security had to restrain Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter." Guest Robin Williams: "The Olympics! I loved women's gymnastics, or as we call it, Chinese Day Care." Robin's touring in Weapons of Self-Destruction.

Conan O'Brien: "They've come out with solar-powered vibrators Ñ to replace those old gas-guzzling vibrators." Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: "Sarah Palin's a 72-year-old heartbeat away from being President, and 12 years away from being a great grandmother."

Dave Letterman: "Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were both adopted by Angelina Jolie." "Sarah Palin refuses to come on The Late Show, or as she calls it, the Bridge to Nowhere." "Sarah Palin looks like the mayor of a small town that's banned dancing. Is she ready to be president? Hell, Bush has lowered the bar so far ..." "O. J. is on trial in Las Vegas. New York is lobbying to host his next trial." "I know it's fall. I saw Regis out raking his money." "Jack Hanna, the animal expert is on the show. He's going to put lipstick on a pig." "John McCain is on The View tomorrow. It's like a North Vietnamese prison camp with botox."

Conan O'Brien: "Madonna dedicated 'Like a Virgin' to the Pope, and he was furious. He'd requested 'Material Girl.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "The Mini Me sex tape is like watching a gerbil mount a giraffe. He's a cross between Tommy Lee and Tom Thumb." "You know, we could have the first trophy Vice President." "A pair of Michael Jackson's underwear that was evidence in his child molestation trial is on eBay with a reserve price of a million." [Showed the underwear, which had, "MMMM ... COOKIES!" with an arrow pointing down.] "Miley Cyrus and another singer have both denied their songs are about Nick Jonas. However, the girl who sang 'I Kissed a Girl' says it is about Nick Jonas."

Jay Leno: "A study has found traces of lots of prescription medication in our drinking water. So if your water is hard, it may just be the Viagra." Guest Dame Edna about fellow guest Hugh Laurie, who plays a doctor: "When I met Hugh he was a gynecologist. I remember our first exploratory. He and I went back a long way." Dame Edna will be coming to San Francisco in The First Last Tour. "There'll be many more."

Saturday Night Live: Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton: "I believe diplomacy to be the cornerstone of foreign policy." Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: "And I can see Russia from my house." Host Michael Phelps: "Hosting SNL is the ninth best moment of my life." Amy Poehler: "John McCain is now only six points behind Sarah Palin." Seth Meyers: "Quarterback Tom Brady has been replaced by a player unknown and untested, who thus earned the nickname Sarah Palin."

Jay Leno: "We know the Bush Doctrine by another name, Murphy's Law." "YouTube has a disturbing video of John McCain being tortured by his captors." (Showed clip of McCain on The View.) "At her Obama fundraiser Barbra Streisand served roast pig in a lipstick glaze." "John McCain's daughter is on the show tonight. She's 84." "A man in England was arrested for having sex with a car. Is that a carjacking? Talk about junk in the trunk. He said he hadn't understood how keyless entry works." "A man was robbed of $1,900 in sex toys. The thief is armed and vibrating." "Did you see that new Beatles Monopoly game? The only way you can go bankrupt is by landing on Heather Mills." "The economy is so bad women in L.A. have started marrying for love." Guest Dane Cook: "Just this afternoon people thought I was gay. It's because I own a little gay man's dog. Plus I was wearing shorty shorts and eating a banana." Guest Dolly Parton: "If we ever do have a woman President, every 28 days those terrorists better hide deeper."

Conan O'Brien: "When Bush found out gays and lesbians were holding a pro-marriage rally, he said, 'Gay guys want to marry lesbians?'" "George Takei married his longtime lover. The minister said, 'Dearly beloved, set your phasers to fabulous.'" "Bush said adjustments in the financial markets can be painful. Then he asked the country to bend over." Guest Ricky Gervais, "A reported asked me what three things I'd save in a fire. I said, 'My dog, my salamander and one of the twins.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Barbra Streisand charged $28,500 a plate for her Obama fundraiser. For most of the Hollywood ladies it was the most expensive meal they ever threw up." "When Sarah Palin moves in she can put her tanning bed where Dick Cheney has his torture chamber." "Remember the Rothschild motto: 'Poor people are delicious.'"

Jon Stewart: "We just bought an insurance company! AIG is costing us $85 billion. Just as long as it keeps us safe from socialized medicine."

Dave Letterman: guest Andy Kindler: "Last night I went to a Young Republicans trickle down party."

Steven Colbert: "By my calculations, if two more states vote for gay marriage, God's going to go apeshit."

Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live said that on Sit-on-Your-FaceBook.com he learned of a movie about a Serbian tailor who made a pair of pants big enough for a hundred men. It's called Sisterhood of the Jostling Wieners. Charlie Sheen's rule for sex; "If at all possible, ladies first."

Dave Letterman: "George Michael was arrested in a men's room holding crack, whose name was Nigel." "The world's tiniest man is in town, 2'5" tall. He's here to see his wife Katie Holmes open on Broadway." "I'm not worried about the economy. I have all my money in Rosie O'Donnell aftershave." 'During the night in Central Park David Blaine is left hanging there like a Lehman Brothers stockholder." "Paris Hilton is on the show. She was McCain's first choice for running mate."

Jay Leno: "The Hollywood Wax Museum is selling off my statue. I ought to buy it and leave it here at NBC." Jay showed a photo of a young Babe Ruth with his baby daughter and John McCain." "John McCain has suspended his campaign. The news about Clay Aiken being gay hit him really hard." Guest Wanda Sykes: "Seven hundred million dollars. Broke people are bailing out rich people. But I'm all right. Kevin [Jay's bandleader] and I put all our money in weed." "The Chinese sent up astronauts in the first ship made entirely of lead and MSG." Fred Willard: "I'm having a Wall Street cocktail, Manhattan on the rocks."

Jimmy Kimmel: "John McCain has 13 cars, including 10 Rascals and a hearse. He's a little old. There's some doubt whether he can maintain an election." "I was in the audience at the Emmys in the second row, and I kept thinking, 'What if I hit Oprah with a peanut?'" On The Daily Show: John Oliver: "We know Bush can never be the best president, but if he works really hard he could be the ..." Jon Stewart: "Worst?" John Oliver: "Last."

Craig Ferguson: "The bisexual parade was today. They marched on both sides of the street." "On the Clay Aiken Claymates site one fan said Clay's coming out was the greatest day of his life. Signed R. Seacrest." "Anne Heche was just a part-time lesbian. Today's term for that is a Lohan."

Jimmy Kimmel: "When you have eleven houses, you take a housing crisis really seriously."

Conan O'Brien: "Clay Aiken came out as gay in the latest issue of Duh! Magazine." "Ralph Nader said he'd take over for McCain in the debate if McCain would cover his shift at Kinko's." "In the debate Obama got McCain to lose his temper by saying the movie Cocoon was overrated." "If for Halloween you dress as Sarah Palin, kids, you can't talk to anyone dressed as a reporter." "In the movie W., George Bush is played by a deer caught in the headlights."

Stephen Colbert: "Sarah Palin is in New York. She can see the Russian Tea Room from her hotel."

Joel McHale on The Soup: "Lindsay Lohan gave up coke and became a lesbian. Next she'll graduate from college." "Next, an interview with Clay Aiken's alleged former lover." Cut to Ryan Seacrest: "So McHale finally went on tape?" They showed a clip of an American girl in a poor foreign country showing a woman her skimpy bathing suit. Woman: "The men will think you are a bad girl and come with sticks and beat you." Joel: "Don't tell her!"

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Strange Books


Exercises for opening your heart, lighting up your chakras or energy centers, and believing your dreams into reality.

Click for free text of Visioning.

 

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.

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What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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