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Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Sunday Night, September 2
Sarah Silverman movie Jesus Is Magic on Comedy Central: "I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis when I thought, 'My God, I am turning into my mother." "I was raped by a doctor, which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl." "My seven-year-old niece came out as a lesbian. I don't know if she even knows what a lesbian is. But my sister punished her, can you believe it? No pussy for a week." "When God gives you AIDS make lemonAIDS." "I see these hunger commercials with these skinny little kids with huge swollen bellies. Two years old, and they're already eight months pregnant." "When I was a teenager I went out with my father's best friends. So embarrassing, my father having a 14-year-old best friend." "The closest I've come to waxing my asshole is once when I had it washed and styled." "My niece said Hitler killed 60,000,000 Jews, and I corrected her. It was 6,000,000 Jews. She said, 'What's the difference?' I told her, 60,000,000 is unforgivable."
Tuesday Night, September 4 (All were
in reruns Monday on Labor Day.)
Jay Leno: "Hey what do you think of this? The British government had finally given approval for scientists to mix human and animal DNA. Or as they call that in the South, Saturday night." "They say there’s a hot new fashion accessory in Hollywood now: Fake nipples that women wear that poke through their shirt. Well, finally a way for women to get men to look at their breasts." Headlines: On menu: "Grilled bay scallops wrapped in prostitute."
Dave Letterman: ""Over the weekend, Sen. Larry Craig resigned from the Senate. He said he’d like to spend more time not being gay." "President Bush was in Iraq for eight hours . . . nice to see he has an exit strategy." "It's Fashion Week in New York. This morning my cab driver introduced a new fragrance." "Did I mention that I'm Labor Dave?" Guest Bill Clinton: "In Africa I watched female lions kill a warthog while the male lions lay there and watched. I hope it's a view of my own future."
Conan O'Brien: "In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story and said, 'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in the mood for Chinese.'”
Jimmy Kimmel: "Because of the heat, this morning Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced an emergency statewide wet T-shirt contest. In L.A. we're largely made of plastic, which melts." "Idaho Sen. Larry Craig announced his resignation on Saturday. If I was Larry Craig, here’s what I’d say: 'I’m not gay, but my feet are.'"
Wednesday Night, September 5
Dave Letterman: "Larry Craig now says he may stay on in the Senate, now that he's seen the new fall crop of pages." "There’s a taxi strike in New York City. The drivers are refusing to use new technology. Deodorant. The taxi drivers planned a rally today on 14th Street. They couldn’t find it."
Jay Leno: "No one's seen Senator Larry Craig for several days. He's rumored to be on a fishing trip in the mountains of Wyoming with an old buddy."
Thursday Night, September 6
Dave Letterman: "The taxi strike has people complaining they're having to share rides. Same complaint they had during the hooker strike." "Did you hear about the new George W. Bush Think Tank? It only has a shallow end."
Jay Leno: "Now there's news Chines condoms are defective. Is that a surprise, a country with a billion people can't make a condom?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "I'm staging a protest. I'm not going to have gay sex in a public bathroom until Larry Craig is cleared."
Friday Night, September 7
Joel McHale on The Soup: "You owe me $200, Apple, and I don't want store credit." On Jerry Lewis's "illiterate faggot" comment on his telethon: "Just because one hustler couldn't find your house doesn't mean all gay people are illiterate."
Dave Letterman: "Fashion Week is over in New York. All the supermodels are being stuffed into cardboard tubes and mailed back to Milan." "Senator Craig says he's resigning again. Somebody will have to fill his seat. Isn't that what got him into trouble in the first place?"
Jay Leno: "An attractive woman was kicked off Southwest for being too provocatively dressed. They couldn't take off, because none of the men could get their tray tables down." "Paris Hilton wants to get pregnant. She's tired of just going through the motions."
Monday, Septermber 10
On The Daily Show Rob Cordory was in a mensroom stall at the Minneapolis airport explaining the gay sex code: "If you're wearing wingtips you're married. Socks with sandals, this is your first time."
Jay Leno: "A study shows that working under domes makes you smarter. If that's true, explain Congress." "Senator Craig has changed his plea to 'just curious.'" Headlines: "Homeless Man Under House Arrest." Ad for "Texas Chain Saw Massage." Guest Brad Garret: "There's a reason the vagina is shaped that way. It's for swiping your credit card."
David Letterman: "There's a new bin Laden video. In it he condemns U.S. corporations and globalization, and he also says he thinks Tina Fey looks better in glasses." "You know who got into a fistfight at the MTV awards, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, Pamela Anderson's other two boobs."
Tuesday, September 11
Dave Letterman: "Did you see the opening of the MTV Awards? Didn't Kirstie Alley look great?!" [It was Britney Spears.] "General Petraeus testified before the Senate, and after listening to him, Sen. Larry Craig said, 'I believe I’m feeling a surge of my own.'”
Jimmy Kimmel: "There was a fight at the MTV Awards. Tommy Lee tripped Kid Rock with his penis."
Wednesday, September 12
Jay Leno : "I understand this whole situation has made Britney Spears kids very nervous. Because of the way her performance went the other night, the kids are afraid that she might quit show business and become a full time mom."
Dave Letterman: "How about that Sen. Craig? He wants to withdraw that guilty plea. And I’m thinking, 'What he should have withdrawn was his foot from that other guy’s stall.'”
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, Gen. Petraeus testified before the Senate for 10 hours with just two bathroom breaks. During the same period, Sen. Craig took 73 bathroom breaks." "Britney was photographed without her panties again. She said, 'I'll worry about my underwear after I figure out what I did with my kids.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "There was a Monday night football double–header with Mike Ditka doing commentary. [Video of Mike Ditka grabbing his crotch.] You can see clearly the illegal use of hands. There might be a little 'holding' too, I don’t know."
Craig Ferguson: "I'm not going to pay $3.99 a minute for phone sex. That would be a dollar every time."
Thursday, September 13
Samantha Bee on The Daily Show: "Why should Americans have to learn Arabic? Isn't that what the Army has all those gay translators for?"
Jay Leno: "The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday's game by videotaping the opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals. This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Sen. Larry Craig got caught in that men's room."
Dave Letterman: "Gorillas are almost extinct. Today the Governor of California was put in a captive breeding program."
Top Ten Things Billy Bob Thornton Would
Like To Say To America
7. "It's not easy being the most famous guy on the planet named Billy Bob"
6. "I based my character in 'Sling Blade' on Letterman"
Guest Fred Willard: "Blind prostitutes,
you really have to hand it to them."
Craig Ferguson: "Not a great day for the rock star Sting. He was photographed leaving a brothel in Germany. He may have to change the name of his song to 'Message in a Brothel.'" "The city of Los Angeles has named a whole city block after Larry King. You know you’ve made it when you get part of the city named after you: John Wayne Airport, Johnny Carson Park, Ryan Seacrest Closet.
Friday, September 14
Dave Letterman: "The last letter written by Davy Crockett is being auctioned. It was a love note to Joan Rivers." Fun Facts: "In the 1980s NASA spent over $2 billion to convert Jefferson Airplane to Jefferson Starship." "Ironically, 2 million people a year die choking on Lifesavers."
Jay Leno: "A gown Carol Channing was sending to the Smithsonian was stolen in L.A. So we know what Ryan Seacrest is wearing to host the Emmys."
Craig Ferguson: "Lamborghini announced they've sold out of their model that costs $1.4 million. Wouldn't it be easier just to tell people you have a small wiener?"
Sunday Night, September 16
Joely Fisher to Brad Garrett on the Emmys: "You couldn't even get on Craig's List, unless it's Senator Craig's list."
Monday Night, September 17
Jay Leno: "In Boynton Beach, Fla., police issued an arrest warrant for a 27-year-old, male, high school drama teacher who had sex with two female high school students and got one of them pregnant. Of course, the community is stunned by this — a straight drama teacher?" "There was a report that someone had put a hit out on Kevin Federline. A hit on K-Fed is more likely than a K-Fed hit." "Domino's has an Oreo pizza. How strong is the marijuana being grown in this country?"
On Dave Letterman, guest Jeff Altman told about being alone in a restroom at a big D.C. event when Dick Cheney came in. "Then I heard from the stall, 'Hey, there's no toilet paper in here.' So I turned off the light and tiptoed out the door."
Tuesday Night, September 18
Samantha Bee on The Daily Show reporting on women in the workforce: "Women even make up three-fourths of the hosts on The View."
Jay Leno: "There's a report of a hit taken out on Kevin Federline. You never hear about the good work of the mob." Headlines: Classified ad: "Butt pickers needed." Headline: "Gay Whale Shot with Machine Gun Dies."
Wednesday Night, September 19
Stephen Colbert: "My carbon footprint is Prada."
Jay Leno: "Fox announced their new stars
for the new season of Skating with Celebrities. The first
celebrity to skate? Phil Spector." "That hit on Kevin Federline was
probably put out by Planned Parenthood." On the story about the Senator
suing God: "Is that fair? Doesn't God live in Heaven? Where's He going
to find a lawyer?" Guest Dane Cook: "I don't want an ostentatious
wedding. I want to save my money for the divorce."
Craig Ferguson: "Remember the Smurfs, fifty guys living in a village with one girl? No wonder they were blue."
Thursday Night, September 20
The Daily Show headlined its story about Kid Nation, the reality show with 40 unsupervised kids living in a Western ghost town 3'10" to Yuma.
Jay Leno: "Kid Nation, or as Michael Jackson calls it, Fantasy Island."
Friday Night, September 21
Joel McHale on The Soup: "The Phil Spector jury just awarded custody of Britney's children to O.J."
Conan O'Brien: "Debating in front of the AARP, the Democratic candidates all came out against the war ... of 1812."
Monday Night, September 24
Daily Show title of story on Democratic debate on elder issues: "The World According to AARP."
Jay Leno: "Mahmoud I’m-a-nut-job actually drove his own cab in from the airport."
Dave Letterman: "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here to visit the U.N. and also to recover some stolen sports memorabilia." "At the end Marcel Marceau tried to mime, 'Somebody get me an ambulance.'" Top Ten O.J. Simpson Excuses: 1. "C'mon, it's not like I killed somebody"
Conan O'Brien: "Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech today. Lots of people upset about it. New Yorkers said, 'If we want to hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we’ll take a cab.'” "Britney could have gotten away with the hit and run, but somebody recognized her kid on top of the car." "Marcel Marceau's last words ... were in 1952." "If Katie Couric mated with the president of Iran, their child would be ... Geraldo Rivera."
Craig Ferguson: "He said there are no gay people in Iran. Well, I could have told you there are no gay people in Iran when he turned up in those shoes and that jacket."
Tuesday Night, September 25
The Daily Show ran the clip of the Iranian president saying there were no homosexuals in Iran. Jon Stewart: "Listen to her! We have no homosexuals in the Republican party either. Just dudes who like to have sex with other men."
Jay Leno: "As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday — my favorite was when he said, “There are no homosexuals in Iran.” Today, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission." "A 62-year-old grandmother was arrested in Alabama for prostitution. She'd not only have sex with you, she'd send you a card with $5 in it on your birthday. She was the only streetwalker with an actual walker."
Dave Letterman: "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — according to this guy, there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theater." Top Ten Things Overheard During President Ahmadinejad's Trip to New York City: 1. "I thought I was a prick, but then I met Donald Trump"
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday the president of Iran said his country doesn’t have problems with gay people because they don’t have homosexuals in Iran. Although Ahmadinejad did admit that sometimes one Iranian will take another Iranian’s penis hostage." "In Texas, pranksters threw a snake into the drive through window at a Taco Bell. Fortunately, the snake was immediately killed by all the rats in the kitchen."
Craig Ferguson: "Not such a great day for Kiefer Sutherland. He was arrested on DUI charges. He used the Lindsay Lohan defense: It was someone else’s alcohol in his blood." "Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones both had birthdays today. Just think, when she reaches his present age of 63, he'll be ... married to a much younger woman."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Mahmoud A-Members-Only-jacket-jad addressed the United Nations. He says there are no homosexuals in Iran. He looked very hard — he even placed personal ads."
Wednesday Night, September 26
Jon Stewart: "Did you hear the Iranian president speak? Turns out Iran is not an aggressive nation. It's a passive-aggressive nation." Lewis Black on the new $5 bill with a big purple number in the corner: "So now the $5 bill is as gay as a $3 bill."
Jay Leno: "This Saturday in Washington D.C. they will hold the 7th Annual National Book Festival. First lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joy of reading, and President Bush will give the rebuttal." "Rudy Giuliani having a $9.11-a-head fundraiser is like Bill Clinton having a $69-a-head fundraiser." "Remember that Alabama grandmother who was a hooker? You got a big discount if you got there before 4:30."
Dave Letterman: "This is a historic night: The entire balcony is filled with gay Iranians."
Craig Ferguson: "It’s a great day — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally went home. He was hilarious. He topped himself by saying if anyone knows of homosexuals living in Iran, he would like their names and addresses. Here’s what we should do: write down your funniest gay name — Ben Dover, Pat McGroin, Ryan Seacrest . . . and we’ll send it to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Paris Hilton has not forgotten the charity work she promised. She says she is going on a humanitarian mission to Rwanda. She is getting her inoculations right now, and actually, the Rwandans are getting their inoculations too."
Thursday Night, September 27
Jay Leno: "Arnold Schwarzenegger got together with Al Gore for a climate change summit. Even though he's a Republican and Al Gore's a Democrat, it's good they could talk robot to robot. Two cyborgs connecting." "A man in Croatia survived a lightning strike that hit his penis. Never mix Viagra with iron pills." "Michael Vick tested positive for marijuana. The irony is that he was caught by drug-sniffing dogs."
Dave Letterman: "While he was here, Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran. So what they’re going to do now, they’re going to develop one of their own. No gays in Iran. That’s why you have to go all the way to Turkey for a facial."
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday at a global conference for poverty and education, former President Bill Clinton met with actress Angelina Jolie. Before the meeting, Clinton looked himself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and said, 'Bill, this is the moment you’ve been training for your whole life.'” "The U.S.Treasury is issuing a new five dollar bill, with a much larger, easy-to-read five on it. Thanks to the large print, the five dollar bill will retain its status as the official birthday gift from old people."
Friday Night, September 28
Jay Leno: "Brokeback Mountain is being turned into a Broadway musical. That may be too gay even for gay people."
Dave Letterman fun facts: "While being thrown around during a turbulent test flight, Orville and Wilbur Wright accidentally joined the mile-high club."
Craig Ferguson: "Tom Cruise sucked Brad Pitt's blood in Interview with the Vampire. Tom Cruise read the script and said, 'You had me at "sucked."'" "The Reaper has people who sell their souls to the devil. I liked it better when they called it The Apprentice." Craig showed a clip from Oprah of a woman saying she and her husband liked to have sex on the golf course at night. Oprah: "That's too good. You know everybody wants to know what hole."
||Conan guest Steven Wright put out his first comedy album, I Have a Pony, 22 years ago. Now he's come out with his second, I Still Have a Pony. "I try to put out an album in each century in which I'm alive."||
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