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Relive History the Fun Way
Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Dave Letterman says Barry Manilow is recovering from unhip surgery.
Jay Leno says Lance Armstrong was seen with Miss Hilton. "Evidently he wanted to ride through Paris one more time." ... "K-Y Jelly is recommended by 1 out of 5 members of 'N Sync." ... "Survivor is losing sponsors because of dividing teams by race, but they have picked up one new advertiser, Cracker Barrel."
On Jay Leno Ellen Degeneres revealed that on her ranch she has a cow named Holy and that she tried to revive a rodent with mouth-to-mouse resuscitation.
|Chelsea Handler asked a homeless man, "Why
would I give you money for food when you have a perfectly delicious dog?"
Chelsea to a Steven Spielberg look-alike:
"What was the movie you did with the alien?"
Al Franken to Newt Gingrich: "Newt, don't you want that gay couple to have the same lifelong commitment you had with your first wife?"
Jimmy Carr: "A woman reaches her sexual peak after 35 years. A man reaches his after about four minutes. Which may be why we get more done."
Jay Leno Headlines had a news story about "Cedar Cyanide Hospital," a school's notice that, "Students are prohibited from wearing garments below the waist," and a classified ad, "ASS PLAYER AND DRUMMER NEEDED."
Jimmy Kimmel said Rosie got a big bouquet from Tom Cruise for her debut on The View. "She said it was delicious."
|Speak of the devil, here's Tom with Katie and baby Suri.|
Jay Leno said Paris Hilton's DUI arrest was the most embarrassing thing to happen to her since her CD came out, and that Donald Rumsfeld's shoulder operation was a success. "He'll be back patting himself on the back by tomorrow."
On The View Rosie O'Donnell said when they bathed together her daughter asked, "When will I get my fur?" Joel McHale of E!'s The Soup wondered, "If they were taking a bath together, why did Rosie have her back to her daughter?" Joel also observed that with Katie Couric helming the news, "The CBS eye goes right up your colon." [Katie once had a colonoscopy on camera.]
Jay Leno remarked on the story of prisoners hiding cell phones in their colons: "There's a 'Can you hear me now?' commercial I don't want to see. I can't even get reception in a real tunnel. And you don't want to hear, 'Here, it's for you.'"
Rodney Dangerfield clip: "I told the bartender to surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife."
On How I Met Your Mother:
Former date: "You hit on my Mom!"
Barney: "We weren't exclusive!"
David Letterman on Fashion Week in New York: "Today my cabdriver unveiled his new fragrance." Dave also said, "Al Gore wants to run again and avenge his 2000 victory," and, "I saw Paris on the internet, apparently taking her breathalyzer test."
Jay Leno "Headlines" had a classified ad for a "Singer sexing machine," and a guy selling a car who probably meant "immaculate" when he said, "Ejaculate inside and out." There was a supermarket ad for "99-cent Boston Butt Hole" and "12-pack Caca Cola."
Bay Area Reporter Out There column, 9/14/06: Everlasting civic treasure and raconteur Strange de Jim checked in to say hes heard from his old friend and soulmate Dame Edna, whose career is on a Gorgeous Upswing since shes been signed to star in Medusa 2: Snakes on a Dame.
Yet More Late Night
On her local New York interview show actor Zach Braff told Cindy Adams he's bought a $350 shower head. "It gives me golden showers!" He knew what he was saying, but she didn't.
Norm Macdonald on David Letterman said he has very high cholesterol. "I hope they don't have to do a Letterman on me!" [Dave had open heart surgery a few years ago.] Norm also said he's been reading about Hitler. "The more I learn about the guy, the more I don't care for him." Norm has a new CD called Ridiculous that should be pretty good.
Dave Letterman noted that "Survivor has battling ethnic groups, just like The View."
Joel McHale of E!'s The Soup said of the divorce, "Whitney and Bobby finally found something they can quit." On Lindsay Lohan's purse being recovered, "Police don't know what is missing, but suspect a strong male role model." Also, "If you don't get enough football, just watch The Girl's Next Door [Hugh Hefner's girlfriends] pass around an old piece of leather."
Chelsea Handler: "I love little people, excuse me, midgets, but you have to respect them now. You can't just pick them up. You have to ask first." She told Gary Coleman she was 31, and he said, "I thought you were 35. I guess the face fooled me."
Jay Leno: "On Survivor the black, white and Latin teams were caught cheating off the Asian team."
Late-Night Host Products
|Exercises for opening your heart, lighting up your chakras or energy centers, and believing your dreams into reality.|
Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.
What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?B illions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007
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