10. Craig
Ferguson: Happy Halloween! I spent the weekend fine-tuning my costume,
Spongebob Nopants.
9. Jimmy Fallon: 600,000 Facebook accounts are hacked every day. I've
been lucky. Not only have I never been hacked, I'm being sent a free
iPad just for entering my password and credit card information.
8. Jay Leno: The FAA is investigating two sky divers who had sex in
mid-air. They were having sex in the plane, continued it on the way
down, landed, and the guy rolled over and went to sleep.
7. David Letterman: Kim Kardashian is planning a lavish divorce with
3,000 guests. Kim says it's not really a divorce. Just part of a
5-player trade.
6. Conan O'Brien: Herman Cain is having to respond to charges he once
sexually harassed women. One German woman kept saying, "Nein! Nein!
Nein!"
5. Stephen Colbert: Sexy ketchup bottle costume? Sure, But if I hold
her upside down and whack her on the bottom, I'm the one who gets tased.
4. Jon Stewart: A Fox reporter asked Herman Cain if he'd ever had to
pay anyone money to settle a sexual harassment claim. Herman Cain:
"Outside of the Restaurant Association, absolutely not."
3. Conan O'Brien: I'm embarrassed at all the pictures of me on the bus
stops. The penises weren't there when we put them up. You people can
DRAW.
2. Jay Leno: Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive
behavior in the '90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his
69-9-9 plan.
1. Jay Leno: One kid
wanted me to pay him $5 to give him candy. I asked who he was supposed
to be. He said, "Bank of America."
Thank You
Notes by Jimmy Fallon
.
Friday, October 28
(Only Letterman, Leno,
Fallon & Ferguson live.)
10. Jay Leno
to guest Adam Sandler: How did you get Al Pacino to be in your movie?
Adam: That was easy. I just gave him a different script. Al thinks he's
in "J. Edgar."
9. David Letterman: The Statue of Liberty is 125. Every day hundreds of
people climb up inside her. I'm sorry, that's Madonna.
8. Jimmy Fallon: Michele Bachmann is giving jackets to people who
donate $75. And in honor of her poll numbers, they're 100% down.
7. Jay Leno: Times are so tough Illinois legislators voted 87 to 20 to
let people eat roadkill. It's the Meals Under Wheels Program.
6. Jimmy Fallon: Two brothers in Ohio are running against each other
for mayor. The campaign slogans are weird. "Vote Brian, not
Jason. Jason wets the bed."
5. Craig Ferguson guest Steven Wright doing introduction: "Barbarella"
had big stars, like Jane Fonda's boobies, and a villain named Duran
Duran. This inspired 5 guys to start a band called Jane Fonda's
Boobies. Here's Duran Duran.
4. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, President Obama, for coming up with the new
slogan "We Can't Wait." And thank you, Congress, for responding with
Obama's original slogan "Yes We Can."
3. Craig Ferguson: Happy 62nd birthday to Bruce Jenner, who won an
Olympic medal for Kardashian wrangling.
2. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, air mattresses, for being the least creepy
thing you can blow up and then lie on top of.
1. Jay Leno guest Adam
Sandler: I play my own twin sister in the movie, so I had to shave my
legs. I'd do my calves and thighs, but I wouldn't know how high to go,
so I'd end up shaving my vagina.
Apple iPad 2
.
Thursday, October 27
10. Jay Leno:
74% of Americans plan to hand out candy on Halloween, though President
Obama thinks it should just be the top 1%.
9. Jay Leno: Snooki advises women to rub kitty litter on their faces to
make their skin smooth. I wonder how she found this out.
8. Conan O'Brien: The President of J. Crew is leaving her husband for
another woman. In related news, this fall, plaid shirts are IN.
7. Jay Leno: Police in Detroit arrested an 87-year-old man with 228
pounds of cocaine in his car. Police became suspicious when he was
doing 26 in a 25-m.p.h. zone.
6. Conan O'Brien: Justin Bieber has adopted a dog. The cute poodle,
who's only recently been potty trained, says he loves having a dog.
5. Conan O'Brien: Nokia's new phone is named Lumia, which is a Spanish
word for "prostitute." Which explains why it costs 50 bucks every time
you put the Lumia on vibrate.
4. Stephen Colbert: A California doctor was caught selling illegal
drugs out of a Starbucks. Hey, everyone else in Starbucks, now you have
a great idea for that screenplay.
3. David Letterman: Michele O'Bachmann's advisers left. You're saying,
"She had advisers?" One of her advisers wanted to stay, but Larry and
Curly talked him out of it.
2. Jimmy Fallon: President Obama announced a new student loan plan that
will forgive debt after 20 years. He said forgiving debt is the most
honorable thing someone can do, and then he repeated that in Chinese.
1. Jay Leno: A male escort
by the name of Rent Boy claims he was hired for sex by a New Jersey
mayor, who is married. I'm siding with the mayor. If you're not sure
you're gay, renting is the way to go.
Steve Jobs
by Walter Isaacson
.
Wednesday, October 26
(Ferguson in reruns.)
10. Jimmy
Kimmel: The Chinese government is banning all reality shows that are
"overly entertaining." Right now the #1 show is "Jon & Kate + One
Female Child Only."
9. Conan O'Brien: Jessica Simpson tweeted a picture of herself sitting
on the toilet. The tweet was aimed at critics who say she hasn't
produced anything in months.
8. David Letterman: The Occupy Wall Street protests are starting to
have some effect. They brought back the McRib.
7. Jay Leno: McDonald's has brought back the McRib. I WONDERED what
they were going to do with Khadafy's body.
6. Jimmy Kimmel: A college student dressed as a referee, ran onto the
football field, and then tore off his clothes and streaked. He's been
charged with the felony of criminal impersonation. If that's the case,
everybody who works at FootLocker should be in jail.
5. David Letterman: They found Khadafy in a storm sewer, dragged him
out, beat him up and shot him. Something like this hasn't happened in a
transitional situation since, I don't know, Conan.
4. Stephen Colbert: It's the 10th anniversary of the Patriot Act, but
what do you get the government that knows everything?
3. David Letterman: They say Khadafy stole $200 billion. But before you
go crazy, remember, half of that goes to Mrs. Tiger Woods.
2. David Letterman: Did you see Khadafy's funeral? It was a big deal.
Elton John performed "Camel in the Wind."
1. Conan O'Brien: On "The
View" Whoopi Goldberg revealed she travels with her vibrator. This was
in response to Barbara Walters asking, "What's in the cello case?"
Kindle Fire Tablet: Movies, Music, Web,
Games, Reading
.
Tuesday, October 25
(Ferguson in reruns.)
10. Conan
O'Brien: Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich are going to have
Lincoln-Douglas style debates. Actually, the only similarity to those
original debates is that no one will watch them on television.
9. Conan O'Brien: The U.N. wants to provide broadband internet to all
the world's citizens. The project is known as "Porn Without Borders."
8. Jay Leno: Khadafy may have had $200 billion, but he spent very
little on education and health care for his country. So I guess he was
a Republican.
7. David Letterman: Khadafy left his wardrobe to Elton John.
6. Stephen Colbert: Praising Cain: A Herman Cain campaign video goes
viral. And Rick Perry wants to vaccinate 12-year-old girls against it.
5. Jimmy Kimmel: Kim Kardashian tweeted to her 10 million followers
that she had Justin Bieber's phone number, gave it, and said he was
taking calls for the next hour. Well, it was actually the number to
vote for her brother Rob on "Dancing with the Stars." So she tricked
us, AND I didn't get to talk to Justin Bieber.
4. Jay Leno guest President Obama: I'm a little biased against reality
TV. There's this show on C-SPAN showing Congress.
3. Jay Leno: Are you watching the Republican debates? President Obama:
I'm going to wait until everyone is voted off the island.
2. Stephen Colbert: Khadafy will be buried in a secret location that no
one can find. Maybe that's where he should have hidden.
1. Conan O'Brien: The Libyans have buried Khadafy at
a secret undisclosed location. In other words, it's going to be the
best season of "The Amazing Race" ever.
Stories I
Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011
Page 295 - On my last visit to the Clinton
White House, I'm standing on the South Lawn with Sheryl and the boys
talking to the president before he hops onto Marine One. My youngest
son, Johnowen, is holding his stuffed frog, Gwee Gwee, which he never
lets out of his sight, under any circumstances. It has been his
security blanket since he was an infant. But now, he takes it out of
his mouth and hands his old, tattered frog to the president.
"Well, look at this!" says the president. "Is this for me?" he asks.
Johnowen nods shyly. "For you," he says in a small voice.
Cheryl and I look at each other in shock
"Wow, Johnowen!" exclaims Matthew.
"Well, thank you, young man. I bet you didn't know, but I collect
frogs. Have since I was a boy like you. 'Cause my daddy used to tell
me: 'Son, a frog never knows how far it can jump until it's kicked.'"
says the president. "I'll keep him nice and safe. You can come visit
him at the Clinton Library someday."
.
Monday, October 24
(Ferguson in reruns.)
10. Jon
Stewart: In a couple of days Obama has brought us down from 3 wars to
1. Are the hawks suffering from empty nest syndrome? At least they'll
always have Afghanistan. That kid will live at home forever.
9. Jay Leno: Rick Santorum says he wants all sex to be married and
special. Hey, Rick, make up your mind. He says he'll stop all federal
funds for contraception, because that's just a license to do sexual
things. I didn't know you needed a license. How many of you guys are
still on your learner's permit?
8. Jimmy Kimmel: Baseball isn't as popular as it used to be. They need
to start dating a Kardashian or something.
7. Jay Leno: Tomorrow night we'll have the big winner of the Republican
debates: President Obama. He'll be here as part of his I Whacked
Another Dictator Tour.
6. Jimmy Fallon: Mattel is getting flack for a new Barbie that has
permanent tattoos and pink hair. Daddy issues sold separately.
5. David Letterman: Khadafy is stretched out in a meat locker in a mall
in Libya. Same thing they do with Regis.
4. Jimmy Kimmel: Tonight on "DWTS" each contestant danced twice, once
with their partner and again in a team dance. I'm still not sure which
team Chaz Bono is on.
3. Conan O'Brien: The iPhone 4S has been out 10 days, and the most
popular feature is the new Siri personal assistant. [Showed men asking
rude sexual questions, followed by the Apple logo and "We know what
you're going to use it for."]
2. Jay Leno: I guess you heard about Moammar Cadaver. It's one thing to
track a guy down and shoot him in the head. It's another thing to then
drag him to the mall. Every guy hates that.
1. Conan O'Brien:
President Obama is appearing on Jay Leno to highlight the one job that
WAS saved during his administration.
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart explains Earth's history
to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.
Page 81 - Fully 85% of what the elderly ingested was meant to assist
them in the excretion of the other 15%.
The Life Alert beeped a warning whenever the wearer was within 50 feet
of a schvartze.
Dentures were popular bedside ornaments used mainly to terrify
grandchildren.
Riding around on a scooter, an idea so appealing when we were young,
lost some of its luster when its top speed was 8 miles per hour and
death was chasing you at 12.
.
Friday, October 21
(Only Ferguson was
live.)
10. Craig
Ferguson guest Corey Koheny: I was so
excited on my last flight because I'd paid $25 for the extra 5 inches
of legroom. Like so many women I'd thought 5 inches was going to make
all the difference. It was a total ripoff, but the man next to me said,
"How about all this extra legroom?" So I said what I always do in such
situations: "Best I ever had."
9. Craig Ferguson: President Obama
is going on Jay Leno. His popularity is at an all-time low. People are
marching against him. So it's really nice of President Obama to help
him out.
8. Craig Ferguson: I don't know who
the Musketeers fight in this new movie. Protestants, I think, or
vegans, or shy people or something. But Hollywood is so afraid of
offending anyone, maybe they fight the Nazis. Everybody hates them,
except maybe the people over in that corner. But the Nazis weren't
around at the time of the 3 Musketeers, so maybe they'll be Nazi robots
from the future who hate puppies. Gay robot skeleton sidekick Geoff
Peterson: "We have ways of making you bark."
7. Craig Ferguson: Why do studios
keep making movies based on old books. Because they're public domain,
which means they're free, as free as the CDs at Starbucks. I assume
they're free. Come on, who's going to pay for a Josh Groban album?
6. Craig Ferguson: Hollywood keeps
remaking "The 3 Musketeers." They made one in 1993 where Aramis was
played by Charlie Sheen. So I assume in the new one he's being played
by Ashton Kutcher.
5. Craig Ferguson: Don't confuse the
3 Musketeers with the Mouseketeers. They're not violent. Except maybe
Goofy. "Hi-yuck, I'll cut a bitch."
4. Craig Ferguson: "The 3
Musketeers" opens today. It's in 3-D. Shouldn't it be called "The 3-D
Musketeers?" In 3-D you'll get more swords in your face than a party at
Elton John's house.
3. Craig Ferguson: Lindsay Lohan had
to go back to court because she showed up an hour late for community
service. But her lawyer said she had a good excuse. She forgot to steal
a watch.
2. Craig Ferguson: In Dublin a man
was arrested for defecating in his apartment's space heater, which
apparently is a crime in Ireland. The cops barged in and said, "This
place is a dump!" And he said, "Thanks. I made it meself."
1. Craig Ferguson: The
movie "Paranormal Activity 3" opens today. They're pumping these out
pretty fast. In the new one the kids are haunted by the ghost of
Moammar Khadafy. That's fast!
.
Thursday, October 20
(Letterman, Leno,
Kimmel & Fallon in reruns.)
10. Craig
Ferguson: Moammar Khadafy is in fact No More Khadafy. A spokesperson
for the Libyan rebels said Khadafy will soon be replaced by Ashton
Kutcher. If Ashton walks around taking his shirt off all the time, it
might work.
9. Conan O'Brien: Archaeologists have found a 2,600-year-old engraved
tablet of a woman giving birth. It shows the mother and father and a
few people wondering who the creepy engraver with the tablet is.
8. Stephen Colbert: Spirit Airlines is selling ad space on its air
sickness bags. Now when passengers vomit, they'll be reminded of
Cinnabon twice.
7. Conan O'Brien: In Pennsylvania 5 people were stabbed at a "Welcome
Home from Jail" party. So when a convicted felon's coming home from
jail, maybe jumping out and yelling "Surprise!" is not the best idea.
6. Conan O'Brien: The truck with President Obama's teleprompters that
was stolen has been recovered, but one of the teleprompters is still
missing. Meanwhile, Joe Biden's teleprompter has taken its own life.
5. Conan O'Brien guest Amy Schumer: Amy Schumer [age 30]: I finally
slept with my high school crush. But now he expects me to go to his
graduation. Like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
4. Stephen Colbert: Now Khadafy's dead we get to pick our next war.
Usually it's the guy we were propping up ten years before. So start
digging your spider hole, Tony Blair.
3. Conan O'Brien: Moammar Khadafy is dead. Even more shocking, he was
killed by an escaped tiger from Ohio. Nobody saw that coming. Between
Osama bin Laden and Khadafy, what President Obama is going to be known
for isn't health care.
2. Conan O'Brien guest Amy Schumer: My Mom is so proud she can still
fit into her wedding dress. It's a little weird that she's the same
size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.
1. Jon Stewart: No'Amor
Qaddafi: He was on the hood of a car, groggy, and said, "Don't shoot
me." But they shot him anyway. They're rebels. Here's a clip. I warn
you, it's quite graphic. [Showed the pair of red shoes sticking out
from the house that fell on the Wicked Witch of the West.]
Oscar
Wilde and the Vampire Murders by Gyles Brandreth, Simon &
Schuster 2011
In 1890 Oscar Wilde and Sir Arthur
Conan Doyle are asked by the Prince of Wales to solve a murder. Bram
Stoker, Anton Dvorak, Lillie Langtry and other notables become involved.
Page 7 - Oscar presented me to her saying, "She is lovelier than a
lily, is she not? She is Helen, late of Troy, now of Grosvenor Square."
.
Wednesday, October 19
(Letterman, Leno,
Kimmel & Fallon in reruns.)
10. Conan
O'Brien: KFC has just introduced the new Cheesy Bacon Bowl, which is
filled with mashed potatoes, cheese, gravy, chicken and bacon. The bowl
sells for $3.99, contains 700 calories, and is now the Republican
front-runner for President. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
9. Stephen Colbert: [Showed clip of Rush Limbaugh accusing President
Obama of killing Christians in The Lord's Army in Uganda. Then Rush
found out The Lord's Army was guilty of child kidnapping, rape, torture
and murder, and said, well, he'd have to study that, do due diligence
on it.] Stephen: Of course. Due diligence always comes after accusing
the President of killing Christians. That's why it's called "research."
If you do it before, it's called "presearch."
8. Craig Ferguson: I don't understand much about baseball. For example,
why do managers wear uniforms? Why? They don't do this in other sports.
Do the managers think they're going to be called into the game? "Oh, it
looks like the star is going to be replaced by a 60-year-old guy with
the gout."
7. Conan O'Brien: A new smart phone app can help you determine if
someone's cheating on you. The app is called Craigslist.
6. Craig Ferguson: I like it that they don't use artificial sounds in
baseball. They don't use those voovoowhatsus like the World Cup. What
were they called? Vulvas. Big hooting vulvas. Though when you hear a
vulva hooting, you know it's going to be an awesome night. A baseball
fan doesn't want to hear 25,000 hooting vulvas as he tries to put a
plump hot dog in his mouth.
5. Conan O'Brien: Clip of Tom Selleck giving advice to his kids on
"Blue Bloods:" If you can pay the rent or make the car payment, but not
both, make the car payment, because you can live in your car, but you
can't drive your house.
4. Conan O'Brien: KFC has just introduced the new Cheesy Bacon Bowl,
which is filled with mashed potatoes, cheese, gravy, chicken and bacon.
The bowl sells for $3.99, contains 700 calories, and is now the
Republican front-runner for President. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
3. Conan O'Brien: A protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his
girlfriend. His exact words were, "Would you occupy my parents'
basement with me until I get a job?"
2. Conan O'Brien guest Tom Selleck: My avocado ranch means a lot to me,
when it's making money. Andy Richter: Same way I feel about my children.
1. Stephen Colbert: Our
guest tonight, Ali Soufon, is an expert at getting information from
terrorists. I'm going to have him call Time Warner customer service for
me.
Kindle Fire Tablet
.
Tuesday, October 18
(Letterman, Leno,
Kimmel & Fallon in reruns.)
10. Conan
O'Brien: Herman Cain says America should build its own Great Wall of
China. Because if there's one thing you don't see in China, it's
Mexicans.
9. Craig Ferguson guest Paula Poundstone: A magazine cover said
Princess Kate was exhausted. And the first reason was grueling
etiquette training. How does that go? "It's very nice to meet you."
"Again!" "It's very nice to meet you." "Again!"
8. Jon Stewart: Scorn in the U.S.A.: [Showed leading Republicans urging
people to take to the streets to take America back. Then showed them
saying the Occupy people shouldn't take to the streets.] If Republicans
don't want to pit Americans against Americans, then who are we supposed
to take America back from. [Showed Republicans listing all the enemies,
and they were all Americans.]
7. Stephen Colbert: Due to the lockout there may not be a basketball
season this year. But if you want to watch millionaires bumping elbows,
there's still the Republican Presidential race. It's like a
Mexican telenovella that wants to deport itself.
6. Stephen Colbert: Now Herman Cain is ahead with 27%, as opposed to
Newt Gingrich, who is 27% head.
5. Craig Ferguson: There's a town in eastern Alaska called Chicken. Its
population is 7 people. I've slept with more people than live in that
town. Of course you can also say that about Chicago, but still.
4. Conan O'Brien: "Jersey Shore's" The Situation got kicked out of an
Apple store. Hard to believe he couldn't just blend in at the Genius
Bar.
3. Conan O'Brien: Yesterday in Virginia President Obama's teleprompter
was stolen. Police are looking for a thief who is eloquent and has a
message of hope.
2. Conan O'Brien: For the past 30 years a taxidermist in England has
only eaten road kill. People are calling it the least popular Match.com
profile ever.
1. Craig Ferguson guest
Paula Poundstone: It's hard to follow the Republican field. It's like
watching a front-loading dryer. It's Romney. It's Bachmann. It's Perry.
It's Cain. It's a sock!
The
Conscious Catwoman by Julie Newmar
Page 61 - Frederick Jackson on Julie Newmar:
"She got more boys through puberty than anyone else on earth."
.
Monday, October 17
(Letterman, Leno,
Kimmel & Fallon in reruns.)
10. Conan
O'Brien: The preacher who falsely predicted the end of the world in May
has now predicted it for this Friday. His wife is beginning to think he
just doesn't want to clean out the garage.
9. Stephen Colbert: Our guest, singer Harry Belafonte, has written a
book called "My Song," which is quite a coincidence, because I've just
written a song called "My Book."
8. Conan O'Brien: In a Texas high school a male cheerleader was kicked
off the squad for kissing another boy. The teen explained the kiss to
the principal by saying, "I'm a male cheerleader."
7. Stephen Colbert: Dwarf Tossing: Game of Throwns
6. Craig Ferguson: The art world is in a tizzy. A new book is coming
out tomorrow with shocking revelations about Vincent Van Gogh. For a
hundred years everyone has thought Van Gogh committed suicide by
shooting himself in the chest, but this book says it was ... MURDER!
The book turns conventional wisdom about Van Gogh on its ear.
5. Craig Ferguson: Apparently Van Gogh cut off his ear, wrapped it in
newspaper and sent it to his favorite prostitute, proving that Van Gogh
was the worst tipper ever.
4. Craig Ferguson: I watched "60 Minutes" last night to see if Andy
Rooney would storm back in: "Don't you hate it when you forget and
leave your porn in your desk?"
3. Stephen Colbert: I don't blame people for being mad. We're in
a job crisis. Saturday I went by a Home Depot and picked up a
carpenter, a plumber, and a gastroenterologist. Best $10 colonoscopy I
ever had. Gracias.
2. Conan O'Brien: The man who invented the Facebook "like" button got
married. Then he spent the weekend looking for his wife's "like" button.
1. Conan O'Brien: The
Occupy Wall Street movement has raised over $300,000, so technically
they now have to protest themselves.
Bossypants
by Tina Fey, Little Brown 2011
Page 53 - How
can I give my daughter what Don Fey gave me? The gift of anxiety. The
fear of getting in trouble. The knowledge that while you are loved, you
are not above the law. The Worldwide Parental Anxiety System is failing
if this many of us have made sex tapes.
54 - My dad has visited me at work over the years, and I've noticed
that powerful men react to him in a weird way. They "stand down." The
first time Lorne Michaels met my dad, he said afterward, "Your father
is ... impressive."
.
Friday, October 14
(Only Letterman, Leno,
Fallon & Ferguson live.)
10. Jay Leno:
A man in Massachusetts has become only the 1st person to receive a
double hand transplant. The donor? A wide receiver for the Miami
Dolphins. He wasn't using them.
9. David Letterman: Russian scientists have found a footprint of the
Abominable Snowman. The surprising part, it's an 8-1/2D. It's known by
a lot of names: Big Foot, Sasquatch, Chris Christie.
8. Jimmy Fallon: A woman suffered temporary amnesia after having sex
with her husband. Her husband was all, "Hell yes she did!"
7. David Letterman: Every Oktoberfest the Germans in New York have a
big parade. It starts on 14th Street and ends in Poland.
6. Craig Ferguson: Scientists have discovered why the planet Uranus is
tilted on its axis. They say projectiles are repeatedly pounding
Uranus. Apparently, Uranus can't handle all that pounding.
5. David Letterman: Top 10 questions to ask yourself before buying the
Japanese toilet-bicycle, a 3-wheeled motorcycle that has a toilet seat
and is powered by human waste.
9. Can I save money by buying a used toilet-bike?
5. Does my city have a toilet-bike lane?
4. Will my friends think I'm showing off?
4. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, bulletproof vests, for being a great way to
tell your arms, "You guys are on your own."
3. David Letterman: The new "Footloose" has been updated. The town
outlaws dancing after they see Nancy Grace fall out of her dress on
"DWTS." And don't confuse this movie with the new one about Michele
O'Bachmann. That's "Screwloose."
2. Jay Leno: Dr. Jack Kavorkian's suicide machine is going to be
auctioned off in New York City. Five HMOs have already placed bids.
1. David Letterman: Bronco
Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing
well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot,
but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was
getting his full eight years of sleep.
The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the
Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994
Page 128 - Still, Jay's mood turned darker during one of these
conversations when Helen [Kushnick, his nightmare of a manager] blurted
out that she had indeed planted the story in the "New York Post" the
year before, the story about NBC wanting to dump Carson that had
stirred up so much bitterness. About this, Jay was finally appalled.
Helen tried to tell him how it was done for his own good, how she had
always acted in his best interests, but Jay rejected that excuse. He
had called Johnny and sworn that his side had nothing to do with the
"Post" story. Now he knew it was all Helen's doing, and he was ashamed
and humiliated.
129 - [Monday morning Helen was given a letter of dismissal. She said
nonsense and went about producing the show. Littlefield and Agoglia
decided not to have armed guards drag her out. They'd wait until she
left and then never let her back on the lot.]
130- In front of the camera crew and 300 of Jay's fans sitting in the
audience, Helen Kushnick was screaming at the show's producer on the
set.
.
Thursday, October 13
(Stewart & Colbert
in reruns.)
10. Jay Leno:
They're saying you can get amnesia after sex. Listen, it that's
happening, you're too close to the headboard. Move back a little.
9. Jay Leno: A study shows you can think yourself healthy. That's known
as the Republican health care plan.
8. David Letterman: The Republicans are all in Los Vegas for the next
debate. This morning Mitt Romney woke up in a hotel room with Newt
Gingrich, a baby, a Bengal tiger and Mike Tyson.
7. Conan O'Brien: In New York a 76-year-old woman fell down a well and
was saved by her 70-year-old neighbor. So it sounds like they've
started shooting "Sex and the City 3."
6. Conan O'Brien: The man accused of leaking nude photos of Scarlett
Johansson faces up to 121 years in prison. Today he pled Totally Worth
It, and high-fived the judge and all 12 jurors.
5. Chelsea Handler: Nissan is working with Swiss scientists on a car
that can read the driver's mind. If the Swiss want to impress me they
can produce a car that shoots chocolate into my mouth. Chris Hardwick:
Excuse me, Chelsea, haven't you already done that?
4. Jay Leno: Apparently the Republicans are going to keep having
debates until Rick Perry can get one right.
3. Conan O'Brien: Yesterday Michele Bachmann was heckled with
profanity. The words she had to endure included "homosexuality,"
"taxes" and "science."
2. Jay Leno: There's only one Jewish person left in Afghanistan. So now
instead of blaming everything on the Jews, they blame it on Larry
Cohen. And, hey, that's still one more than Wyoming.
1. Conan O'Brien: A woman
is suing a sex toy company because she got hurt with one of their
vibrators. Apparently it didn't call her the next day.
I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry
Pratchett, Harper 2010
A wonderful story about young witch
Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys
her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.
Page 245 - "Yes," said Tiffany, trying to keep her voice
matter-of-fact. 'By a headless lady with a pumpkin under her arm. She
is walking toward us right now."
Had she expected shock? Or tears? Tiffany certainly hadn't expected
Letitia to say, "That would be Mavis. I shall have to change her
pumpkin as soon as the new ones are ripe. The start to get all, well,
manky after a while." She raised her voice. "It's only me, Mavis,
nothing to be frightened of!"
With a sound like a sigh, the headless woman turned and began to walk
back up the corridor.
"The pumpkin was my idea," Letitia continued chattily. "She was just
impossible to deal with before that. Looking for her head, you know?
The pumpkin gives her some comfort, and frankly I don't think she knows
the difference, poor soul. She wasn't executed, by the way. I think she
wants everybody to know that. It was simply a freak accident involving
a flight of stairs, a cat, and a scythe."
.
Wednesday, October 12
(Stewart & Colbert
in reruns.)
10. Craig
Ferguson: The woman who allegedly had an affair with Ashton Kutcher is
speaking to the tabloids, and the sex scandal is out of control You
know that somewhere in the dark recesses of CBS executives are saying,
"We should have gone with Wilmer Valderrama."
9. Jay Leno: In New Jersey a cop is accused of fondling a masseuse
during a sting operation. So was he copping a feel, or was she feeling
a cop?
8. David Letterman: Top 10 reasons Chris Christie endorsed Mitt Romney:
6. Needed something to do between lunch and second
lunch.
1. Only other options were the nutjob, the crackpot,
the pizza dude and Newt.
7. Chelsea Handler: A pregnant woman is stripping. There's nothing male
losers like more than a moody woman with bladder control problems. At
least for the next 9 months they'll get a 2-for-1 lap dance. But being
a pregnant stripper can come in handy. [Showed a woman squatting down
and a baby's hand coming out and picking up the dollar bills.]
6. David Letterman: Rick Perry looks like a guy who crawled out from
under a painted rock. Perry's exhausted. He's having trouble sleeping.
Calling Dr. Conrad Murray!
5. Conan O'Brien: Brian Williams said if he ever left his wife for a
man, that man would be Bruce Springsteen. Which is a really weird way
to begin the nightly news.
4. David Letterman: People are saying President Obama has no close
friends. He's aware of this, but he can't get Congress to approve one.
3. Chelsea Handler: Matt Damon and Michael Douglas are going to play
lovers in a Liberace film. Brad Wollack: Matt Damon's probably grossed
out because he has to kiss an old man. Did he call you, Chelsea, to ask
what that's like?
2. Jimmy Fallon: Starbucks is teaming up with an Indian company called
Tata Coffee to open hundreds of new stores. "Can I get a couple of
grande tatas with milk?"
1. David Letterman:
President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight, and we had trouble with
security. The bomb-sniffing dogs found the cue cards.
Kindle Fire
Tablet
.
Tuesday, October 11
(Stewart & Colbert
in reruns.)
10. Craig
Ferguson: Big Ben makes it hard to live in London. You can't be late
for anything. "Sorry, I didn't realize the time." "You didn't see the
300-foot clock?"
9. Jimmy Kimmel: Today was National Coming Out Day. Guillermo, anything
you want to tell us? Who came out today? Show of jazz hands.
8. Craig Ferguson: Some say the shifting of Big Ben is due to
construction of the London subway, but I think we all know it's
Voldemort. "You said his name!" Shut up, Ron."
7. Craig Ferguson: A woman in Kansas stabbed her boyfriend in the groin
with a hypodermic needle. Doctors tried to remove it, but it was like
looking for a needle in a nutsack.
6. Jimmy Fallon: Unemployed Americans are moving to China to find work.
You need a fake i.d., not to say you're Chinese, just to say you're
under 10 years old.
5. Jay Leno: A woman gave birth just 7 hours after she completed the
Chicago Marathon. Since the race was sponsored by B of A, they charged
her five bucks to withdraw the child.
4. Jimmy Fallon: Beyonce revealed her baby is due in February. But you
can get it on iTunes a week earlier.
3. Conan O'Brien: Today is National Coming Out Day, so I'd like to quit
hiding the truth and say, Mom and Dad, my brother Patrick is gay.
2. Conan O'Brien: A 91-year-old granny celebrated her birthday by
bungee jumping. She wasn't scared, because down at the bottom,
waiting to break her fall, were her breasts.
1. David Letterman: For
tonight's debate each Republican candidate was paired with a
professional dancer.
Oscar
Wilde and the Vampire Murders by Gyles Brandreth, Simon &
Schuster 2011
In 1890 Oscar Wilde and Sir Arthur
Conan Doyle are asked by the Prince of Wales to solve a murder. Bram
Stoker, Anton Dvorak, Lillie Lantry and other notables become involved.
Page 2 - [Oscar Wilde speaking] "He [Sir Arthur Conan Doyle] is a
decent fellow. You know that he has a sick wife to whom he is devoted
and a young friend who is the love of his life -- and they are not the
same person. This is a difficulty for a gentleman like Arthur."
.
Monday, October 10
(Stewart & Colbert
in reruns.)
10. Craig
Ferguson: Police have arrested two men who've been breaking into Amish
houses and shaving off the men's beards. Amish reject most technology.
They're like old people, but on purpose.
9. Jimmy Fallon: Global warming could cause a shortage of wine., which
explains why Kathie Lee & Hoda installed solar panels on the roof
of 30 Rock.
8. Jimmy Fallon: A fan was arrested for throwing a hot dog at Tiger
Woods. Tiger said, "That's OK. I know how hard it is to control your
wiener."
7. Jay Leno: Because of Columbus Day all the banks were closed. And
some of them are expected to open tomorrow. Even though B of A was
closed, they still charged you the $5 debit fee. Who thinks they should
change their name to B of A-hole?
6. Conan O'Brien: The most exciting thing about the iPhone 4S is the
app that automatically pre-orders the iPhone 5.
5. Jay Leno: There's a secret panel in Washington that can order any
American killed anywhere in the world at any time. This may be the only
way we can get Nancy Grace off "Dancing with the Stars."
4. David Letterman: Bo the White House dog is 3 today. The difference
between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog.
3. Jimmy Fallon: The Mayor of Newark is cutting the city budget for
toilet paper, leading to the new slogan: "Yes, it could smell any
worse."
2. Jay Leno: I say let all the troops shower together: straight men,
gay men, women, everybody. Morale would shoot up, and we'd have the
cleanest troops in the world.
1. Conan O'Brien: A study
found that most young people think the Christian church is unfriendly.
And the Catholic church is a little too friendly.
The Autobiography of Mark Twain,
2010
Page 458 - It was during my first year's apprenticeship in the
"Courier" office that I did a thing which I have been trying to regret
for fifty-five years. [He deliberately dropped the empty rind of half a
watermelon out the window on his brother's head.]
.
Friday, October 7
(Only Letterman, Leno,
Fallon & Ferguson live.)
10. Jimmy
Fallon: Thank you, Snoop Dogg for working on a new sitcom for NBC that
you will produce and star in. I have the perfect title: "The Big Bong
Theory." Or "Two and a Half Ounces."
9. David Letterman: And Chris Christie isn't running. This guy had a
lot of followers. Most of then were ivory poachers, but still ...
8. Craig Ferguson: Masturbating at the drop of a hat is a skill I
learned. Gets me thrown out of a lot of hat stores. Do you have any
plans for the weekend, gay robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson?
Geoff: I plan on dropping a lot of hats.
7. David Letterman: You folks feeling the economic pinch? That's why we
lowered the ticket prices. And the hookers in Times Square, God bless
'em, are now accepting chickens.
6. David Letterman: Sarah Palin went on Fox News and said Paul Revere
talked her out of running.
5. David Letterman: Michael Jackson should have been suspicious from
the beginning. I mean, the doctor made house calls?
4. Jay Leno: This week Arnold Schwarzenegger dedicated a museum in
Austria devoted to him. Kids get in free if they turn out to be his.
3. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, night clubs that turn on all the lights
after last call, for instantly undoing all of alcohol's hard work.
2. Craig Ferguson: A young man from Ohio is making $600 an hour as a
Justin Bieber impersonator. He'd make more, but that's all I can afford
right now.
1. Jimmy Fallon: Thank
you, drinking fountains. Or as I like to call you, face bidets.
Naughty in Nice: A Royal Spyness Mystery
by Rhys Bowen, Berkley Prime Crime 2011
Lady Georgiana Rannoch is 34th in
line to the British throne and
penniless, but the Queen relies on her for discreet investigations.
Now, in 1933, the Queen sends her Nice to keep an eye on the Prince of
Wales and the disturbing Mrs. Simpson and also to recover a priceless
stolen snuff box. Georgie is invited to stay with Coco Chanel, and then
another jewel theft and multiple murders ensue. Quite entertaining.
Page 3 - How [Georgie's brother] Binky could have plucked up enough
courage to have created a first child with Fig is still a matter of
speculation. Why he did it a second time indicates insanity in the
family.
.
Thursday, October 6
(O'Brien
in reruns.)
10. Craig
Ferguson: Last night in Pennsylvania thieves stole an entire 50-foot
bridge. And the name of the town, I'm not kidding, North Beaver.
Personally I'm more interested in South Beaver, but ... Police don't
know how someone was able to pull that huge thing out of Beaver. And
without a bridge it's going to be very hard to find Beaver, and if the
waters rise Beaver will need a big strong dike. That's for you, Lesbian
Row.
9. Jimmy Kimmel: I have mixed feelings about "Jersey Shore." I feel bad
thinking my fellow human beings are acting like that. Yet I'm not
really sure they ARE my fellow human beings.
8. Jay Leno: The Federal Reserve Chairman said the recovery was in
danger of foundering. Most Americans weren't even aware there WAS a
recovery.
7. David Letterman: The economy's so bad, I was in Central Park today.
I saw pigeons feeding old people. To save money we had to fire two
writers, so this joke I'm in the middle of right now has no punch line.
6. Jay Leno: Another huge setback for the Obama campaign today. Sarah
Palin is not running for President. Couldn't find her birth certificate.
5. Stephen Colbert: PAC and Me: New news about my PAC. Now I just have
to see if I'm legally obligated to tell you about it.
4. Stephen Colbert: A medical panel has suggested men not have prostate
exams. But my prostate was up all night cramming for it.
3. Craig Ferguson: The Nobel Prize for Literature went to a Swedish
poet. The Nobel Prize is $1.5 million. Usually there's not much money
in poetry. Unless you're Dr. Seuss. "Horton Hears Ka-ching, Bitch!"
2. Jimmy Fallon: Sarah Palin wrote a letter explaining why she will not
run for President. Sarah Palin wrote a letter, which explains why her
spellcheck had to be given CPR this morning. She says she will help get
other candidates elected. Those other candidates are Barack Obama and
Joe Biden.
1. Jay Leno: A 71-year-old woman
was arrested
for having sex in a parked car outside a bar with a 54-year-old man.
Police aren't sure what they're going to charge her with. They're still
waiting for the dust to settle.
Stories I
Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011
Page 286 -
["The West Wing"] Martin [Sheen] as Bartlet! Our families have been
intertwined for so many years that I can't even express to Aaron
[Sorkin] the levels of history and subtext this would bring to the
Sam-Bartlet relationship. So I just say this: "Martin Fucking Sheen is
the greatest."
287 - His [Martin Sheen's] contract to play Bartlet called for only a
few episodes. But with his high-impact performance, the network wanted
to see more of him. I think Aaron [Sorkin] also discovered that being
able to put words into the mouth of the president of the United States
was more heady than merely writing for his staffers.
.
Wednesday, October 5
(O'Brien & Handler
in reruns.)
10. David
Letterman: The New York economy is so bad some of the banks have had to
add more express lines just for holdups. And the mayor has announced
he's having to close 6,000 potholes.
9. Jimmy Fallon Late Night Hashtags: #myroommateiscrazy
In the summer he puts his underwear in the fridge overnight. He calls
it his "tool cooler."
8. David Letterman: Top 10 ways Rick Perry plans to spend the $17
million he raised for his campaign.
10. Death row taco bar.
1. Buy lunch for Chris Christie.
7. Jay Leno: There are guys who advertise on the web as donorsexuals.
They donate sperm to women that want it. One woman arranged to meet the
guy in a Starbucks bathroom. That's crazy. Dunkin' Donuts costs half as
much and is just as good. I think the idea is OK. I applaud a guy who's
willing to work with his hands. When you see those calluses ...
6. Jay Leno: Sarah Palin announced she's not running. Finally, a Palin
who pulls out before it's too late.
5. Jay Leno: A woman is trying for parole after 20 years in prison for
killing and eating her husband. The sad part is, that was the only time
they ever had dinner together.
4. Craig Ferguson: NBC canceled "The Playboy Club." Hugh Hefner went on
Twitter to complain. Well, he thought it was Twitter. Actually he was
typing into an old piano.
3. Stephen Colbert: Cain Able: Will Herman Cain become the first black
President ... that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's
an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's ... a
horse.
2. David Letterman: Chris Christie decided not to run. He had a big
decision. He weighed the pros. He weighed the cons. He weighed himself.
I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind.
Now they're saying he might be a Vice Presidential candidate. He'd make
a great one. I'll bet this guy knows how to spell "potato."
1. Craig Ferguson: The
Nobel Prize for Chemistry went to an Israeli scientist for his work on
quasicrystals. The scientist was forced to leave his research group
because they thought quasicrystals were crazy. So he found great
success on his own. It's like the research group was Destiny's Child
and he was Beyonce. He's probably taunting them in a subtle way: I'm
rubber and you're glue. It bounces off me and sticks to ... my Nobel
Prize.
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart explains Earth's history
to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.
Page 80 - Old Age: The final stage of life, old age, was in many ways a
mirror image of childhood. Life's hard labor complete, the elderly
returned to a time of less responsibility, where, as with children,
little was expected, and people once again spoke to you in an
incredibly condescending tone. On the other hand, the elderly could get
away with all manner of shit, up to and including promiscuity, racist
blather and the inappropriate hugging of Jamaican nurses.
.
Tuesday, October 4
(O'Brien in reruns.)
10. David
Letterman: Chris Christie would have been the first American President
visible from space. The Marine Band would have played "Hail to the
Chef." If he'd run, the Republicans would have had to choose between
him and Rick Perry. One's morbidly obese, and the other is morally
obtuse.
9. Jay Leno: A woman in L.A. got a huge settlement after her plastic
surgeon botched her boob job so bad that she now has just one giant
breast. But while they understand her anger, friends say the woman now
seems more centered.
8. Stephen Colbert: Big changes in the Republican field. It's a 10-way
tie for Not Romney.
7. Jimmy Kimmel: People said it's not fair to joke about Chris Christie
being fat when they wouldn't make the same kinds of jokes if he were
gay. But it's a whole different thing. For one thing, if he were gay,
he wouldn't be fat. I'd love to have him in the Oval Office. He'd fit
right in.
6. Jimmy Fallon: Over the weekend millions of people celebrated World
Vegetarian Day. Or as everyone else calls it, Annoying Friend Day.
5. Craig Ferguson: The Nobel Prize for Physics went to 3 scientists who
proved the expansion of the Universe is accelerating. They discovered
this by studying the gas coming from the tails of white dwarf stars. In
other words, they won a million dollars by studying the flatulence of
midgets. By the way, "The Flatulence of Midgets" was the rejected
title for the sequel to "Silence of the Lambs." "Do you hear the
midgets, Clarice?"
4. Jimmy Fallon: The world's first Google Store opened this week in
London. The salespeople aren't too helpful. When you tell them what you
want, they listen to the first 3 letters and then offer you something
completely different.
3. Jimmy Kimmel: Nancy Grace on "DWTS" last night dedicated her dance
to her twins, but not the ones that popped out of her dress last week.
Chaz Bono again had the lowest score by far, but once again he escaped
by the newly grown hair on his chinny chin chin. Can you have a dance
change operation? Because he should look into that.
2. David Letterman: The new iPhone, if you put it on the floor and
stand on it, it tells you your weight. I have one of the original ones,
with the rotary dial.
1. Jon Stewart: As the
Republicans keep looking under rocks for a viable candidate, front
runner Mitt Romney must be thinking, "What the fudge? This is starting
to hurt where my feelings should be."
The
Conscious Catwoman by Julie Newmar
Page 3 -
"First things first, but not necessarily in that order." - Bob Levey,
"Washington Post"
.
Monday, October 3
(O'Brien in reruns.)
10. Jay Leno
Headlines:
Drug used to treat male
importance.
Our milk is unconditionally guaranteed until you drink it.
A home for the most sufisticated buyer.
The Weekly Banner - Today's News, Next Thursday
If you have tree nut allergies, please ask your server to remove your
nuts.
9. David Letterman: In Italy Amanda Knox has been acquitted. She got a
congratulatory e-mail from O.J. She was 4 years in an Italian prison.
Sounds bad, but that includes salad and unlimited bread sticks. Right
after the verdict she got a call from the Italian Prime Minister.
Wanted to know what she was wearing.
8. David Letterman: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is heavy, but
he's trying. Today, driving down the turnpike, I saw him on the truck
scales.
7. Chelsea Handler: Alabama lets criminals either go to jail or to
church. You can choose where you want to be touched inappropriately.
Chris Franjola: In church you can sing hymns; in jail you can do hims.
6. Jay Leno: Anwar Al-Awlaki, that terrorist who was killed last week,
was an American citizen. Usually you don't see Americans taking
foreigners' jobs. They're calling him the most hated American since Jon
Gosselin.
5. Jimmy Fallon: A police force in Oregon has started using electric
unicycles. First the cop asks for your license and registration. Then
he juggles them, along with a bowling pin.
4. Jay Leno: Rick Perry is serious about running for President. Today
he freed all the slaves on his ranch. Herman Cain said he'd rather go
hunting with Dick Cheney than Rick Perry.
3. David Letterman: U.S. Special Forces killed the editor of "Al
Qaeda Magazine." So if your copy is a little late this month ... Over
there the magazine is known as "AQ." The guy also worked at "Car Bomb
& Driver." When they killed him he was just finishing up their
swimsuit issue. He was difficult and crazy, but a good editor. Reminded
me of that Anna Wintour.
2. Jay Leno: A former model who was convicted two decades ago of
killing her husband and then cooking and eating parts of his body is
seeking parole. My question, how long does it take a model to eat a
person? And after she ate a part of his body, did she use one of his
fingers to make herself throw up.
1. Craig
Ferguson:President Obama and Michelle got married on this day in 1992,
and they had a lovely dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the
last time anyone said yes to an Obama proposal.
Kindle Fire
Tablet
.
