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Strange de Jim entertained San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb). Strange holds the world record for Most Late-Night Jokes Absorbed, 1999 - Last Night

Strange de Jim's Nightly Top 10 Late-Night Jokes
October 2011

late night hosts


Click for Strange's funniest photos, videos and tweets of September.

I'll tweet you when the new jokes are posted: @strangedejim



October Winners: O'Brien 6, Ferguson 4, Leno 4, Letterman 3, Stewart 2, Fallon 1, Colbert 1

Monday, October 31

10. Craig Ferguson: Happy Halloween! I spent the weekend fine-tuning my costume, Spongebob Nopants.

9. Jimmy Fallon: 600,000 Facebook accounts are hacked every day. I've been lucky. Not only have I never been hacked, I'm being sent a free iPad just for entering my password and credit card information.

8. Jay Leno: The FAA is investigating two sky divers who had sex in mid-air. They were having sex in the plane, continued it on the way down, landed, and the guy rolled over and went to sleep.

7. David Letterman: Kim Kardashian is planning a lavish divorce with 3,000 guests. Kim says it's not really a divorce. Just part of a 5-player trade.

6. Conan O'Brien: Herman Cain is having to respond to charges he once sexually harassed women. One German woman kept saying, "Nein! Nein! Nein!"

5. Stephen Colbert: Sexy ketchup bottle costume? Sure, But if I hold her upside down and whack her on the bottom, I'm the one who gets tased.

4. Jon Stewart: A Fox reporter asked Herman Cain if he'd ever had to pay anyone money to settle a sexual harassment claim. Herman Cain: "Outside of the Restaurant Association, absolutely not."

3. Conan O'Brien: I'm embarrassed at all the pictures of me on the bus stops. The penises weren't there when we put them up. You people can DRAW.

2. Jay Leno: Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive behavior in the '90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his 69-9-9 plan.

1. Jay Leno: One kid wanted me to pay him $5 to give him candy. I asked who he was supposed to be. He said, "Bank of America."

Thank You Notes by Jimmy Fallon

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Friday, October 28
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson live.)

10. Jay Leno to guest Adam Sandler: How did you get Al Pacino to be in your movie? Adam: That was easy. I just gave him a different script. Al thinks he's in "J. Edgar."

9. David Letterman: The Statue of Liberty is 125. Every day hundreds of people climb up inside her. I'm sorry, that's Madonna.

8. Jimmy Fallon: Michele Bachmann is giving jackets to people who donate $75. And in honor of her poll numbers, they're 100% down.

7. Jay Leno: Times are so tough Illinois legislators voted 87 to 20 to let people eat roadkill. It's the Meals Under Wheels Program.

6. Jimmy Fallon: Two brothers in Ohio are running against each other for mayor. The campaign slogans are weird.  "Vote Brian, not Jason. Jason wets the bed."

5. Craig Ferguson guest Steven Wright doing introduction: "Barbarella" had big stars, like Jane Fonda's boobies, and a villain named Duran Duran. This inspired 5 guys to start a band called Jane Fonda's Boobies. Here's Duran Duran.

4. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, President Obama, for coming up with the new slogan "We Can't Wait." And thank you, Congress, for responding with Obama's original slogan "Yes We Can."

3. Craig Ferguson: Happy 62nd birthday to Bruce Jenner, who won an Olympic medal for Kardashian wrangling.

2. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, air mattresses, for being the least creepy thing you can blow up and then lie on top of.

1. Jay Leno guest Adam Sandler: I play my own twin sister in the movie, so I had to shave my legs. I'd do my calves and thighs, but I wouldn't know how high to go, so I'd end up shaving my vagina.

Apple iPad 2

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Thursday, October 27

10. Jay Leno: 74% of Americans plan to hand out candy on Halloween, though President Obama thinks it should just be the top 1%.

9. Jay Leno: Snooki advises women to rub kitty litter on their faces to make their skin smooth. I wonder how she found this out.

8. Conan O'Brien: The President of J. Crew is leaving her husband for another woman. In related news, this fall, plaid shirts are IN.

7. Jay Leno: Police in Detroit arrested an 87-year-old man with 228 pounds of cocaine in his car. Police became suspicious when he was doing 26 in a 25-m.p.h. zone.

6. Conan O'Brien: Justin Bieber has adopted a dog. The cute poodle, who's only recently been potty trained, says he loves having a dog.

5. Conan O'Brien: Nokia's new phone is named Lumia, which is a Spanish word for "prostitute." Which explains why it costs 50 bucks every time you put the Lumia on vibrate.

4. Stephen Colbert: A California doctor was caught selling illegal drugs out of a Starbucks. Hey, everyone else in Starbucks, now you have a great idea for that screenplay.

3. David Letterman: Michele O'Bachmann's advisers left. You're saying, "She had advisers?" One of her advisers wanted to stay, but Larry and Curly talked him out of it.

2. Jimmy Fallon: President Obama announced a new student loan plan that will forgive debt after 20 years. He said forgiving debt is the most honorable thing someone can do, and then he repeated that in Chinese.

1. Jay Leno: A male escort by the name of Rent Boy claims he was hired for sex by a New Jersey mayor, who is married. I'm siding with the mayor. If you're not sure you're gay, renting is the way to go. 

Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson

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Wednesday, October 26
(Ferguson in reruns.)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: The Chinese government is banning all reality shows that are "overly entertaining." Right now the #1 show is "Jon & Kate + One Female Child Only."

9. Conan O'Brien: Jessica Simpson tweeted a picture of herself sitting on the toilet. The tweet was aimed at critics who say she hasn't produced anything in months.

8. David Letterman: The Occupy Wall Street protests are starting to have some effect. They brought back the McRib.

7. Jay Leno: McDonald's has brought back the McRib. I WONDERED what they were going to do with Khadafy's body.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: A college student dressed as a referee, ran onto the football field, and then tore off his clothes and streaked. He's been charged with the felony of criminal impersonation. If that's the case, everybody who works at FootLocker should be in jail.

5. David Letterman: They found Khadafy in a storm sewer, dragged him out, beat him up and shot him. Something like this hasn't happened in a transitional situation since, I don't know, Conan.

4. Stephen Colbert: It's the 10th anniversary of the Patriot Act, but what do you get the government that knows everything?

3. David Letterman: They say Khadafy stole $200 billion. But before you go crazy, remember, half of that goes to Mrs. Tiger Woods.

2. David Letterman: Did you see Khadafy's funeral? It was a big deal. Elton John performed "Camel in the Wind."

1. Conan O'Brien: On "The View" Whoopi Goldberg revealed she travels with her vibrator. This was in response to Barbara Walters asking, "What's in the cello case?"

Kindle Fire Tablet: Movies, Music, Web, Games, Reading

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Tuesday, October 25
(Ferguson in reruns.)

10. Conan O'Brien: Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich are going to have Lincoln-Douglas style debates. Actually, the only similarity to those original debates is that no one will watch them on television.

9. Conan O'Brien: The U.N. wants to provide broadband internet to all the world's citizens. The project is known as "Porn Without Borders."

8. Jay Leno: Khadafy may have had $200 billion, but he spent very little on education and health care for his country. So I guess he was a Republican.

7. David Letterman: Khadafy left his wardrobe to Elton John.

6. Stephen Colbert: Praising Cain: A Herman Cain campaign video goes viral. And Rick Perry wants to vaccinate 12-year-old girls against it.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: Kim Kardashian tweeted to her 10 million followers that she had Justin Bieber's phone number, gave it, and said he was taking calls for the next hour. Well, it was actually the number to vote for her brother Rob on "Dancing with the Stars." So she tricked us, AND I didn't get to talk to Justin Bieber.

4. Jay Leno guest President Obama: I'm a little biased against reality TV. There's this show on C-SPAN showing Congress.

3. Jay Leno: Are you watching the Republican debates? President Obama: I'm going to wait until everyone is voted off the island.

2. Stephen Colbert: Khadafy will be buried in a secret location that no one can find. Maybe that's where he should have hidden.

1.
Conan O'Brien: The Libyans have buried Khadafy at a secret undisclosed location. In other words, it's going to be the best season of "The Amazing Race" ever.

Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011

Page 295 - On my last visit to the Clinton White House, I'm standing on the South Lawn with Sheryl and the boys talking to the president before he hops onto Marine One. My youngest son, Johnowen, is holding his stuffed frog, Gwee Gwee, which he never lets out of his sight, under any circumstances. It has been his security blanket since he was an infant. But now, he takes it out of his mouth and hands his old, tattered frog to the president.
"Well, look at this!" says the president. "Is this for me?" he asks.
Johnowen nods shyly. "For you," he says in a small voice.
Cheryl and I look at each other in shock
"Wow, Johnowen!" exclaims Matthew.
"Well, thank you, young man. I bet you didn't know, but I collect frogs. Have since I was a boy like you. 'Cause my daddy used to tell me: 'Son, a frog never knows how far it can jump until it's kicked.'" says the president. "I'll keep him nice and safe. You can come visit him at the Clinton Library someday."


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Monday, October 24
(Ferguson in reruns.)

10. Jon Stewart: In a couple of days Obama has brought us down from 3 wars to 1. Are the hawks suffering from empty nest syndrome? At least they'll always have Afghanistan. That kid will live at home forever.

9. Jay Leno: Rick Santorum says he wants all sex to be married and special. Hey, Rick, make up your mind. He says he'll stop all federal funds for contraception, because that's just a license to do sexual things. I didn't know you needed a license. How many of you guys are still on your learner's permit?

8. Jimmy Kimmel: Baseball isn't as popular as it used to be. They need to start dating a Kardashian or something.

7. Jay Leno: Tomorrow night we'll have the big winner of the Republican debates: President Obama. He'll be here as part of his I Whacked Another Dictator Tour.

6. Jimmy Fallon: Mattel is getting flack for a new Barbie that has permanent tattoos and pink hair. Daddy issues sold separately.

5. David Letterman: Khadafy is stretched out in a meat locker in a mall in Libya. Same thing they do with Regis.

4. Jimmy Kimmel: Tonight on "DWTS" each contestant danced twice, once with their partner and again in a team dance. I'm still not sure which team Chaz Bono is on.

3. Conan O'Brien: The iPhone 4S has been out 10 days, and the most popular feature is the new Siri personal assistant. [Showed men asking rude sexual questions, followed by the Apple logo and "We know what you're going to use it for."]

2. Jay Leno: I guess you heard about Moammar Cadaver. It's one thing to track a guy down and shoot him in the head. It's another thing to then drag him to the mall. Every guy hates that.

1. Conan O'Brien: President Obama is appearing on Jay Leno to highlight the one job that WAS saved during his administration.


Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 81 - Fully 85% of what the elderly ingested was meant to assist them in the excretion of the other 15%.

The Life Alert beeped a warning whenever the wearer was within 50 feet of a schvartze.

Dentures were popular bedside ornaments used mainly to terrify grandchildren.

Riding around on a scooter, an idea so appealing when we were young, lost some of its luster when its top speed was 8 miles per hour and death was chasing you at 12.

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Friday, October 21
(Only Ferguson was live.)

10. Craig Ferguson guest Corey Koheny: I was so excited on my last flight because I'd paid $25 for the extra 5 inches of legroom. Like so many women I'd thought 5 inches was going to make all the difference. It was a total ripoff, but the man next to me said, "How about all this extra legroom?" So I said what I always do in such situations: "Best I ever had."

9.
Craig Ferguson: President Obama is going on Jay Leno. His popularity is at an all-time low. People are marching against him. So it's really nice of President Obama to help him out.

8.
Craig Ferguson: I don't know who the Musketeers fight in this new movie. Protestants, I think, or vegans, or shy people or something. But Hollywood is so afraid of offending anyone, maybe they fight the Nazis. Everybody hates them, except maybe the people over in that corner. But the Nazis weren't around at the time of the 3 Musketeers, so maybe they'll be Nazi robots from the future who hate puppies. Gay robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson: "We have ways of making you bark."

7.
Craig Ferguson: Why do studios keep making movies based on old books. Because they're public domain, which means they're free, as free as the CDs at Starbucks. I assume they're free. Come on, who's going to pay for a Josh Groban album?

6.
Craig Ferguson: Hollywood keeps remaking "The 3 Musketeers." They made one in 1993 where Aramis was played by Charlie Sheen. So I assume in the new one he's being played by Ashton Kutcher.

5.
Craig Ferguson: Don't confuse the 3 Musketeers with the Mouseketeers. They're not violent. Except maybe Goofy. "Hi-yuck, I'll cut a bitch."

4.
Craig Ferguson: "The 3 Musketeers" opens today. It's in 3-D. Shouldn't it be called "The 3-D Musketeers?" In 3-D you'll get more swords in your face than a party at Elton John's house. 

3.
Craig Ferguson: Lindsay Lohan had to go back to court because she showed up an hour late for community service. But her lawyer said she had a good excuse. She forgot to steal a watch.

2.
Craig Ferguson: In Dublin a man was arrested for defecating in his apartment's space heater, which apparently is a crime in Ireland. The cops barged in and said, "This place is a dump!" And he said, "Thanks. I made it meself."

1. Craig Ferguson: The movie "Paranormal Activity 3" opens today. They're pumping these out pretty fast. In the new one the kids are haunted by the ghost of Moammar Khadafy. That's fast!

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Thursday, October 20
(Letterman, Leno, Kimmel & Fallon in reruns.)

10. Craig Ferguson: Moammar Khadafy is in fact No More Khadafy. A spokesperson for the Libyan rebels said Khadafy will soon be replaced by Ashton Kutcher. If Ashton walks around taking his shirt off all the time, it might work.

9. Conan O'Brien: Archaeologists have found a 2,600-year-old engraved tablet of a woman giving birth. It shows the mother and father and a few people wondering who the creepy engraver with the tablet is.

8. Stephen Colbert: Spirit Airlines is selling ad space on its air sickness bags. Now when passengers vomit, they'll be reminded of Cinnabon twice.

7. Conan O'Brien: In Pennsylvania 5 people were stabbed at a "Welcome Home from Jail" party. So when a convicted felon's coming home from jail, maybe jumping out and yelling "Surprise!" is not the best idea.

6. Conan O'Brien: The truck with President Obama's teleprompters that was stolen has been recovered, but one of the teleprompters is still missing. Meanwhile, Joe Biden's teleprompter has taken its own life.

5. Conan O'Brien guest Amy Schumer: Amy Schumer [age 30]: I finally slept with my high school crush. But now he expects me to go to his graduation. Like I know where I'm going to be in three years.

4. Stephen Colbert: Now Khadafy's dead we get to pick our next war. Usually it's the guy we were propping up ten years before. So start digging your spider hole, Tony Blair.

3. Conan O'Brien: Moammar Khadafy is dead. Even more shocking, he was killed by an escaped tiger from Ohio. Nobody saw that coming. Between Osama bin Laden and Khadafy, what President Obama is going to be known for isn't health care.

2. Conan O'Brien guest Amy Schumer: My Mom is so proud she can still fit into her wedding dress. It's a little weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.

1. Jon Stewart: No'Amor Qaddafi: He was on the hood of a car, groggy, and said, "Don't shoot me." But they shot him anyway. They're rebels. Here's a clip. I warn you, it's quite graphic. [Showed the pair of red shoes sticking out from the house that fell on the Wicked Witch of the West.]

Oscar Wilde and the Vampire Murders by Gyles Brandreth, Simon & Schuster 2011

In 1890 Oscar Wilde and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle are asked by the Prince of Wales to solve a murder. Bram Stoker, Anton Dvorak, Lillie Langtry and other notables become involved.

Page 7 - Oscar presented me to her saying, "She is lovelier than a lily, is she not? She is Helen, late of Troy, now of Grosvenor Square."

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Wednesday, October 19
(Letterman, Leno, Kimmel & Fallon in reruns.)

10. Conan O'Brien: KFC has just introduced the new Cheesy Bacon Bowl, which is filled with mashed potatoes, cheese, gravy, chicken and bacon. The bowl sells for $3.99, contains 700 calories, and is now the Republican front-runner for President. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

9. Stephen Colbert: [Showed clip of Rush Limbaugh accusing President Obama of killing Christians in The Lord's Army in Uganda. Then Rush found out The Lord's Army was guilty of child kidnapping, rape, torture and murder, and said, well, he'd have to study that, do due diligence on it.] Stephen: Of course. Due diligence always comes after accusing the President of killing Christians. That's why it's called "research." If you do it before, it's called "presearch."

8. Craig Ferguson: I don't understand much about baseball. For example, why do managers wear uniforms? Why? They don't do this in other sports. Do the managers think they're going to be called into the game? "Oh, it looks like the star is going to be replaced by a 60-year-old guy with the gout."

7. Conan O'Brien: A new smart phone app can help you determine if someone's cheating on you. The app is called Craigslist.

6. Craig Ferguson: I like it that they don't use artificial sounds in baseball. They don't use those voovoowhatsus like the World Cup. What were they called? Vulvas. Big hooting vulvas. Though when you hear a vulva hooting, you know it's going to be an awesome night. A baseball fan doesn't want to hear 25,000 hooting vulvas as he tries to put a plump hot dog in his mouth.

5. Conan O'Brien: Clip of Tom Selleck giving advice to his kids on "Blue Bloods:" If you can pay the rent or make the car payment, but not both, make the car payment, because you can live in your car, but you can't drive your house.

4. Conan O'Brien: KFC has just introduced the new Cheesy Bacon Bowl, which is filled with mashed potatoes, cheese, gravy, chicken and bacon. The bowl sells for $3.99, contains 700 calories, and is now the Republican front-runner for President. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

3. Conan O'Brien: A protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, "Would you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?"

2. Conan O'Brien guest Tom Selleck: My avocado ranch means a lot to me, when it's making money. Andy Richter: Same way I feel about my children.

1. Stephen Colbert: Our guest tonight, Ali Soufon, is an expert at getting information from terrorists. I'm going to have him call Time Warner customer service for me. 

Kindle Fire Tablet
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Tuesday, October 18
(Letterman, Leno, Kimmel & Fallon in reruns.)

10. Conan O'Brien: Herman Cain says America should build its own Great Wall of China. Because if there's one thing you don't see in China, it's Mexicans.

9. Craig Ferguson guest Paula Poundstone: A magazine cover said Princess Kate was exhausted. And the first reason was grueling etiquette training. How does that go? "It's very nice to meet you." "Again!" "It's very nice to meet you." "Again!"

8. Jon Stewart: Scorn in the U.S.A.: [Showed leading Republicans urging people to take to the streets to take America back. Then showed them saying the Occupy people shouldn't take to the streets.] If Republicans don't want to pit Americans against Americans, then who are we supposed to take America back from. [Showed Republicans listing all the enemies, and they were all Americans.]

7. Stephen Colbert: Due to the lockout there may not be a basketball season this year. But if you want to watch millionaires bumping elbows, there's still the Republican Presidential race.  It's like a Mexican telenovella that wants to deport itself.

6. Stephen Colbert: Now Herman Cain is ahead with 27%, as opposed to Newt Gingrich, who is 27% head.

5. Craig Ferguson: There's a town in eastern Alaska called Chicken. Its population is 7 people. I've slept with more people than live in that town. Of course you can also say that about Chicago, but still.

4. Conan O'Brien: "Jersey Shore's" The Situation got kicked out of an Apple store. Hard to believe he couldn't just blend in at the Genius Bar.

3. Conan O'Brien: Yesterday in Virginia President Obama's teleprompter was stolen. Police are looking for a thief who is eloquent and has a message of hope.

2. Conan O'Brien: For the past 30 years a taxidermist in England has only eaten road kill. People are calling it the least popular Match.com profile ever.

1. Craig Ferguson guest Paula Poundstone: It's hard to follow the Republican field. It's like watching a front-loading dryer. It's Romney. It's Bachmann. It's Perry. It's Cain. It's a sock!

The Conscious Catwoman by Julie Newmar

Page 61 - Frederick Jackson on Julie Newmar: "She got more boys through puberty than anyone else on earth."

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Monday, October 17
(Letterman, Leno, Kimmel & Fallon in reruns.)

10. Conan O'Brien: The preacher who falsely predicted the end of the world in May has now predicted it for this Friday. His wife is beginning to think he just doesn't want to clean out the garage.

9. Stephen Colbert: Our guest, singer Harry Belafonte, has written a book called "My Song," which is quite a coincidence, because I've just written a song called "My Book."

8. Conan O'Brien: In a Texas high school a male cheerleader was kicked off the squad for kissing another boy. The teen explained the kiss to the principal by saying, "I'm a male cheerleader."

7. Stephen Colbert: Dwarf Tossing: Game of Throwns

6. Craig Ferguson: The art world is in a tizzy. A new book is coming out tomorrow with shocking revelations about Vincent Van Gogh. For a hundred years everyone has thought Van Gogh committed suicide by shooting himself in the chest, but this book says it was ... MURDER! The book turns conventional wisdom about Van Gogh on its ear.

5. Craig Ferguson: Apparently Van Gogh cut off his ear, wrapped it in newspaper and sent it to his favorite prostitute, proving that Van Gogh was the worst tipper ever.

4. Craig Ferguson: I watched "60 Minutes" last night to see if Andy Rooney would storm back in: "Don't you hate it when you forget and leave your porn in your desk?"

3. Stephen Colbert:  I don't blame people for being mad. We're in a job crisis. Saturday I went by a Home Depot and picked up a carpenter, a plumber, and a gastroenterologist. Best $10 colonoscopy I ever had. Gracias.

2. Conan O'Brien: The man who invented the Facebook "like" button got married. Then he spent the weekend looking for his wife's "like" button.

1. Conan O'Brien: The Occupy Wall Street movement has raised over $300,000, so technically they now have to protest themselves.

Bossypants by Tina Fey, Little Brown 2011

Page 53 - How can I give my daughter what Don Fey gave me? The gift of anxiety. The fear of getting in trouble. The knowledge that while you are loved, you are not above the law. The Worldwide Parental Anxiety System is failing if this many of us have made sex tapes.

54 - My dad has visited me at work over the years, and I've noticed that powerful men react to him in a weird way. They "stand down." The first time Lorne Michaels met my dad, he said afterward, "Your father is ... impressive."


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Friday, October 14
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson live.)

10. Jay Leno: A man in Massachusetts has become only the 1st person to receive a double hand transplant. The donor? A wide receiver for the Miami Dolphins. He wasn't using them.

9. David Letterman: Russian scientists have found a footprint of the Abominable Snowman. The surprising part, it's an 8-1/2D. It's known by a lot of names: Big Foot, Sasquatch, Chris Christie.

8. Jimmy Fallon: A woman suffered temporary amnesia after having sex with her husband. Her husband was all, "Hell yes she did!"

7. David Letterman: Every Oktoberfest the Germans in New York have a big parade. It starts on 14th Street and ends in Poland.

6. Craig Ferguson: Scientists have discovered why the planet Uranus is tilted on its axis. They say projectiles are repeatedly pounding Uranus. Apparently, Uranus can't handle all that pounding.

5. David Letterman: Top 10 questions to ask yourself before buying the Japanese toilet-bicycle, a 3-wheeled motorcycle that has a toilet seat and is powered by human waste.
    9. Can I save money by buying a used toilet-bike?
    5. Does my city have a toilet-bike lane?
    4. Will my friends think I'm showing off?

4. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, bulletproof vests, for being a great way to tell your arms, "You guys are on your own."

3. David Letterman: The new "Footloose" has been updated. The town outlaws dancing after they see Nancy Grace fall out of her dress on "DWTS." And don't confuse this movie with the new one about Michele O'Bachmann. That's "Screwloose."

2. Jay Leno: Dr. Jack Kavorkian's suicide machine is going to be auctioned off in New York City. Five HMOs have already placed bids.

1. David Letterman: Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.

The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994

Page 128 - Still, Jay's mood turned darker during one of these conversations when Helen [Kushnick, his nightmare of a manager] blurted out that she had indeed planted the story in the "New York Post" the year before, the story about NBC wanting to dump Carson that had stirred up so much bitterness. About this, Jay was finally appalled. Helen tried to tell him how it was done for his own good, how she had always acted in his best interests, but Jay rejected that excuse. He had called Johnny and sworn that his side had nothing to do with the "Post" story. Now he knew it was all Helen's doing, and he was ashamed and humiliated.

129 - [Monday morning Helen was given a letter of dismissal. She said nonsense and went about producing the show. Littlefield and Agoglia decided not to have armed guards drag her out. They'd wait until she left and then never let her back on the lot.]

130- In front of the camera crew and 300 of Jay's fans sitting in the audience, Helen Kushnick was screaming at the show's producer on the set.

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Thursday, October 13
(Stewart & Colbert in reruns.)

10. Jay Leno: They're saying you can get amnesia after sex. Listen, it that's happening, you're too close to the headboard. Move back a little.

9. Jay Leno: A study shows you can think yourself healthy. That's known as the Republican health care plan.

8. David Letterman: The Republicans are all in Los Vegas for the next debate. This morning Mitt Romney woke up in a hotel room with Newt Gingrich, a baby, a Bengal tiger and Mike Tyson.

7. Conan O'Brien: In New York a 76-year-old woman fell down a well and was saved by her 70-year-old neighbor. So it sounds like they've started shooting "Sex and the City 3."

6. Conan O'Brien: The man accused of leaking nude photos of Scarlett Johansson faces up to 121 years in prison. Today he pled Totally Worth It, and high-fived the judge and all 12 jurors.

5. Chelsea Handler: Nissan is working with Swiss scientists on a car that can read the driver's mind. If the Swiss want to impress me they can produce a car that shoots chocolate into my mouth. Chris Hardwick: Excuse me, Chelsea, haven't you already done that?

4. Jay Leno: Apparently the Republicans are going to keep having debates until Rick Perry can get one right.

3. Conan O'Brien: Yesterday Michele Bachmann was heckled with profanity. The words she had to endure included "homosexuality," "taxes" and "science."

2. Jay Leno: There's only one Jewish person left in Afghanistan. So now instead of blaming everything on the Jews, they blame it on Larry Cohen. And, hey, that's still one more than Wyoming.

1. Conan O'Brien: A woman is suing a sex toy company because she got hurt with one of their vibrators. Apparently it didn't call her the next day.

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 245 - "Yes," said Tiffany, trying to keep her voice matter-of-fact. 'By a headless lady with a pumpkin under her arm. She is walking toward us right now."
Had she expected shock? Or tears? Tiffany certainly hadn't expected Letitia to say, "That would be Mavis. I shall have to change her pumpkin as soon as the new ones are ripe. The start to get all, well, manky after a while." She raised her voice. "It's only me, Mavis, nothing to be frightened of!"
With a sound like a sigh, the headless woman turned and began to walk back up the corridor.
"The pumpkin was my idea," Letitia continued chattily. "She was just impossible to deal with before that. Looking for her head, you know? The pumpkin gives her some comfort, and frankly I don't think she knows the difference, poor soul. She wasn't executed, by the way. I think she wants everybody to know that. It was simply a freak accident involving a flight of stairs, a cat, and a scythe."  

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Wednesday, October 12
(Stewart & Colbert in reruns.)

10. Craig Ferguson: The woman who allegedly had an affair with Ashton Kutcher is speaking to the tabloids, and the sex scandal is out of control You know that somewhere in the dark recesses of CBS executives are saying, "We should have gone with Wilmer Valderrama."

9. Jay Leno: In New Jersey a cop is accused of fondling a masseuse during a sting operation. So was he copping a feel, or was she feeling a cop?

8. David Letterman: Top 10 reasons Chris Christie endorsed Mitt Romney:
    6. Needed something to do between lunch and second lunch.
    1. Only other options were the nutjob, the crackpot, the pizza dude and Newt.

7. Chelsea Handler: A pregnant woman is stripping. There's nothing male losers like more than a moody woman with bladder control problems. At least for the next 9 months they'll get a 2-for-1 lap dance. But being a pregnant stripper can come in handy. [Showed a woman squatting down and a baby's hand coming out and picking up the dollar bills.]

6. David Letterman: Rick Perry looks like a guy who crawled out from under a painted rock. Perry's exhausted. He's having trouble sleeping. Calling Dr. Conrad Murray!

5. Conan O'Brien: Brian Williams said if he ever left his wife for a man, that man would be Bruce Springsteen. Which is a really weird way to begin the nightly news.

4. David Letterman: People are saying President Obama has no close friends. He's aware of this, but he can't get Congress to approve one.

3. Chelsea Handler: Matt Damon and Michael Douglas are going to play lovers in a Liberace film. Brad Wollack: Matt Damon's probably grossed out because he has to kiss an old man. Did he call you, Chelsea, to ask what that's like?

2. Jimmy Fallon: Starbucks is teaming up with an Indian company called Tata Coffee to open hundreds of new stores. "Can I get a couple of grande tatas with milk?"

1. David Letterman: President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight, and we had trouble with security. The bomb-sniffing dogs found the cue cards.


Kindle Fire Tablet
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Tuesday, October 11
(Stewart & Colbert in reruns.)

10. Craig Ferguson: Big Ben makes it hard to live in London. You can't be late for anything. "Sorry, I didn't realize the time." "You didn't see the 300-foot clock?"

9. Jimmy Kimmel: Today was National Coming Out Day. Guillermo, anything you want to tell us? Who came out today? Show of jazz hands.

8. Craig Ferguson: Some say the shifting of Big Ben is due to construction of the London subway, but I think we all know it's Voldemort. "You said his name!" Shut up, Ron."

7. Craig Ferguson: A woman in Kansas stabbed her boyfriend in the groin with a hypodermic needle. Doctors tried to remove it, but it was like looking for a needle in a nutsack.

6. Jimmy Fallon: Unemployed Americans are moving to China to find work. You need a fake i.d., not to say you're Chinese, just to say you're under 10 years old.

5. Jay Leno: A woman gave birth just 7 hours after she completed the Chicago Marathon. Since the race was sponsored by B of A, they charged her five bucks to withdraw the child.

4. Jimmy Fallon: Beyonce revealed her baby is due in February. But you can get it on iTunes a week earlier.

3. Conan O'Brien: Today is National Coming Out Day, so I'd like to quit hiding the truth and say, Mom and Dad, my brother Patrick is gay.

2. Conan O'Brien: A 91-year-old granny celebrated her birthday by bungee jumping.  She wasn't scared, because down at the bottom, waiting to break her fall, were her breasts.

1. David Letterman: For tonight's debate each Republican candidate was paired with a professional dancer.

Oscar Wilde and the Vampire Murders by Gyles Brandreth, Simon & Schuster 2011

In 1890 Oscar Wilde and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle are asked by the Prince of Wales to solve a murder. Bram Stoker, Anton Dvorak, Lillie Lantry and other notables become involved.

Page 2 - [Oscar Wilde speaking] "He [Sir Arthur Conan Doyle] is a decent fellow. You know that he has a sick wife to whom he is devoted and a young friend who is the love of his life -- and they are not the same person. This is a difficulty for a gentleman like Arthur."

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Monday, October 10
(Stewart & Colbert in reruns.)

10. Craig Ferguson: Police have arrested two men who've been breaking into Amish houses and shaving off the men's beards. Amish reject most technology. They're like old people, but on purpose.

9. Jimmy Fallon: Global warming could cause a shortage of wine., which explains why Kathie Lee & Hoda installed solar panels on the roof of 30 Rock.

8. Jimmy Fallon: A fan was arrested for throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods. Tiger said, "That's OK. I know how hard it is to control your wiener."

7. Jay Leno: Because of Columbus Day all the banks were closed. And some of them are expected to open tomorrow. Even though B of A was closed, they still charged you the $5 debit fee. Who thinks they should change their name to B of A-hole?

6. Conan O'Brien: The most exciting thing about the iPhone 4S is the app that automatically pre-orders the iPhone 5.

5. Jay Leno: There's a secret panel in Washington that can order any American killed anywhere in the world at any time. This may be the only way we can get Nancy Grace off "Dancing with the Stars."

4. David Letterman: Bo the White House dog is 3 today. The difference between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog.

3. Jimmy Fallon: The Mayor of Newark is cutting the city budget for toilet paper, leading to the new slogan: "Yes, it could smell any worse."

2. Jay Leno: I say let all the troops shower together: straight men, gay men, women, everybody. Morale would shoot up, and we'd have the cleanest troops in the world.

1. Conan O'Brien: A study found that most young people think the Christian church is unfriendly. And the Catholic church is a little too friendly.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 458 - It was during my first year's apprenticeship in the "Courier" office that I did a thing which I have been trying to regret for fifty-five years. [He deliberately dropped the empty rind of half a watermelon out the window on his brother's head.]

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Friday, October 7
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson live.)

10. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, Snoop Dogg for working on a new sitcom for NBC that you will produce and star in. I have the perfect title: "The Big Bong Theory." Or "Two and a Half Ounces."

9. David Letterman: And Chris Christie isn't running. This guy had a lot of followers. Most of then were ivory poachers, but still ...

8. Craig Ferguson: Masturbating at the drop of a hat is a skill I learned. Gets me thrown out of a lot of hat stores. Do you have any plans for the weekend, gay robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Peterson? Geoff: I plan on dropping a lot of hats.

7. David Letterman: You folks feeling the economic pinch? That's why we lowered the ticket prices. And the hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are now accepting chickens.

6. David Letterman: Sarah Palin went on Fox News and said Paul Revere talked her out of running.

5. David Letterman: Michael Jackson should have been suspicious from the beginning. I mean, the doctor made house calls?

4. Jay Leno: This week Arnold Schwarzenegger dedicated a museum in Austria devoted to him. Kids get in free if they turn out to be his.

3. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, night clubs that turn on all the lights after last call, for instantly undoing all of alcohol's hard work.

2. Craig Ferguson: A young man from Ohio is making $600 an hour as a Justin Bieber impersonator. He'd make more, but that's all I can afford right now.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, drinking fountains. Or as I like to call you, face bidets.

Naughty in Nice: A Royal Spyness Mystery by Rhys Bowen, Berkley Prime Crime 2011

Lady Georgiana Rannoch is 34th in line to the British throne and penniless, but the Queen relies on her for discreet investigations. Now, in 1933, the Queen sends her Nice to keep an eye on the Prince of Wales and the disturbing Mrs. Simpson and also to recover a priceless stolen snuff box. Georgie is invited to stay with Coco Chanel, and then another jewel theft and multiple murders ensue. Quite entertaining.

Page 3 - How [Georgie's brother] Binky could have plucked up enough courage to have created a first child with Fig is still a matter of speculation. Why he did it a second time indicates insanity in the family.

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Thursday, October 6
(O'Brien in reruns.)

10. Craig Ferguson: Last night in Pennsylvania thieves stole an entire 50-foot bridge. And the name of the town, I'm not kidding, North Beaver. Personally I'm more interested in South Beaver, but ... Police don't know how someone was able to pull that huge thing out of Beaver. And without a bridge it's going to be very hard to find Beaver, and if the waters rise Beaver will need a big strong dike. That's for you, Lesbian Row.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: I have mixed feelings about "Jersey Shore." I feel bad thinking my fellow human beings are acting like that. Yet I'm not really sure they ARE my fellow human beings.

8. Jay Leno: The Federal Reserve Chairman said the recovery was in danger of foundering. Most Americans weren't even aware there WAS a recovery.

7. David Letterman: The economy's so bad, I was in Central Park today. I saw pigeons feeding old people. To save money we had to fire two writers, so this joke I'm in the middle of right now has no punch line.

6. Jay Leno: Another huge setback for the Obama campaign today. Sarah Palin is not running for President. Couldn't find her birth certificate.

5. Stephen Colbert: PAC and Me: New news about my PAC. Now I just have to see if I'm legally obligated to tell you about it.

4. Stephen Colbert: A medical panel has suggested men not have prostate exams. But my prostate was up all night cramming for it.

3. Craig Ferguson: The Nobel Prize for Literature went to a Swedish poet. The Nobel Prize is $1.5 million. Usually there's not much money in poetry. Unless you're Dr. Seuss. "Horton Hears Ka-ching, Bitch!"

2. Jimmy Fallon: Sarah Palin wrote a letter explaining why she will not run for President. Sarah Palin wrote a letter, which explains why her spellcheck had to be given CPR this morning. She says she will help get other candidates elected. Those other candidates are Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

1.
Jay Leno: A 71-year-old woman was arrested for having sex in a parked car outside a bar with a 54-year-old man. Police aren't sure what they're going to charge her with. They're still waiting for the dust to settle.

Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011

Page 286 - ["The West Wing"] Martin [Sheen] as Bartlet! Our families have been intertwined for so many years that I can't even express to Aaron [Sorkin] the levels of history and subtext this would bring to the Sam-Bartlet relationship. So I just say this: "Martin Fucking Sheen is the greatest."

287 - His [Martin Sheen's] contract to play Bartlet called for only a few episodes. But with his high-impact performance, the network wanted to see more of him. I think Aaron [Sorkin] also discovered that being able to put words into the mouth of the president of the United States was more heady than merely writing for his staffers.


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Wednesday, October 5
(O'Brien & Handler in reruns.)

10. David Letterman: The New York economy is so bad some of the banks have had to add more express lines just for holdups. And the mayor has announced he's having to close 6,000 potholes.

9. Jimmy Fallon Late Night Hashtags: #myroommateiscrazy
In the summer he puts his underwear in the fridge overnight. He calls it his "tool cooler."

8. David Letterman: Top 10 ways Rick Perry plans to spend the $17 million he raised for his campaign.
10. Death row taco bar.
1. Buy lunch for Chris Christie.

7. Jay Leno: There are guys who advertise on the web as donorsexuals. They donate sperm to women that want it. One woman arranged to meet the guy in a Starbucks bathroom. That's crazy. Dunkin' Donuts costs half as much and is just as good. I think the idea is OK. I applaud a guy who's willing to work with his hands. When you see those calluses ...

6. Jay Leno: Sarah Palin announced she's not running. Finally, a Palin who pulls out before it's too late.

5. Jay Leno: A woman is trying for parole after 20 years in prison for killing and eating her husband. The sad part is, that was the only time they ever had dinner together.

4. Craig Ferguson: NBC canceled "The Playboy Club." Hugh Hefner went on Twitter to complain. Well, he thought it was Twitter. Actually he was typing into an old piano.

3. Stephen Colbert: Cain Able: Will Herman Cain become the first black President ... that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's ... a horse.

2. David Letterman: Chris Christie decided not to run. He had a big decision. He weighed the pros. He weighed the cons. He weighed himself. I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind. Now they're saying he might be a Vice Presidential candidate. He'd make a great one. I'll bet this guy knows how to spell "potato."

1. Craig Ferguson: The Nobel Prize for Chemistry went to an Israeli scientist for his work on quasicrystals. The scientist was forced to leave his research group because they thought quasicrystals were crazy. So he found great success on his own. It's like the research group was Destiny's Child and he was Beyonce. He's probably taunting them in a subtle way: I'm rubber and you're glue. It bounces off me and sticks to ... my Nobel Prize.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 80 - Old Age: The final stage of life, old age, was in many ways a mirror image of childhood. Life's hard labor complete, the elderly returned to a time of less responsibility, where, as with children, little was expected, and people once again spoke to you in an incredibly condescending tone. On the other hand, the elderly could get away with all manner of shit, up to and including promiscuity, racist blather and the inappropriate hugging of Jamaican nurses.

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Tuesday, October 4
(O'Brien in reruns.)

10. David Letterman: Chris Christie would have been the first American President visible from space. The Marine Band would have played "Hail to the Chef." If he'd run, the Republicans would have had to choose between him and Rick Perry. One's morbidly obese, and the other is morally obtuse.

9. Jay Leno: A woman in L.A. got a huge settlement after her plastic surgeon botched her boob job so bad that she now has just one giant breast. But while they understand her anger, friends say the woman now seems more centered.

8. Stephen Colbert: Big changes in the Republican field. It's a 10-way tie for Not Romney.

7. Jimmy Kimmel: People said it's not fair to joke about Chris Christie being fat when they wouldn't make the same kinds of jokes if he were gay. But it's a whole different thing. For one thing, if he were gay, he wouldn't be fat. I'd love to have him in the Oval Office. He'd fit right in.

6. Jimmy Fallon: Over the weekend millions of people celebrated World Vegetarian Day. Or as everyone else calls it, Annoying Friend Day.

5. Craig Ferguson: The Nobel Prize for Physics went to 3 scientists who proved the expansion of the Universe is accelerating. They discovered this by studying the gas coming from the tails of white dwarf stars. In other words, they won a million dollars by studying the flatulence of midgets.  By the way, "The Flatulence of Midgets" was the rejected title for the sequel to "Silence of the Lambs." "Do you hear the midgets, Clarice?"

4. Jimmy Fallon: The world's first Google Store opened this week in London. The salespeople aren't too helpful. When you tell them what you want, they listen to the first 3 letters and then offer you something completely different.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: Nancy Grace on "DWTS" last night dedicated her dance to her twins, but not the ones that popped out of her dress last week. Chaz Bono again had the lowest score by far, but once again he escaped by the newly grown hair on his chinny chin chin. Can you have a dance change operation? Because he should look into that.

2. David Letterman: The new iPhone, if you put it on the floor and stand on it, it tells you your weight. I have one of the original ones, with the rotary dial.

1. Jon Stewart: As the Republicans keep looking under rocks for a viable candidate, front runner Mitt Romney must be thinking, "What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be."
 
The Conscious Catwoman by Julie Newmar

Page 3 - "First things first, but not necessarily in that order." - Bob Levey, "Washington Post"

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Monday, October 3
(O'Brien in reruns.)

10. Jay Leno Headlines:
Drug used to treat male importance.
Our milk is unconditionally guaranteed until you drink it.
A home for the most sufisticated buyer.
The Weekly Banner - Today's News, Next Thursday
If you have tree nut allergies, please ask your server to remove your nuts.

9. David Letterman: In Italy Amanda Knox has been acquitted. She got a congratulatory e-mail from O.J. She was 4 years in an Italian prison. Sounds bad, but that includes salad and unlimited bread sticks. Right after the verdict she got a call from the Italian Prime Minister. Wanted to know what she was wearing.

8. David Letterman: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is heavy, but he's trying. Today, driving down the turnpike, I saw him on the truck scales.

7. Chelsea Handler: Alabama lets criminals either go to jail or to church. You can choose where you want to be touched inappropriately. Chris Franjola: In church you can sing hymns; in jail you can do hims.

6. Jay Leno: Anwar Al-Awlaki, that terrorist who was killed last week, was an American citizen. Usually you don't see Americans taking foreigners' jobs. They're calling him the most hated American since Jon Gosselin.

5. Jimmy Fallon: A police force in Oregon has started using electric unicycles. First the cop asks for your license and registration. Then he juggles them, along with a bowling pin.

4. Jay Leno: Rick Perry is serious about running for President. Today he freed all the slaves on his ranch. Herman Cain said he'd rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than Rick Perry.

3. David Letterman: U.S. Special Forces killed the editor of "Al
Qaeda Magazine." So if your copy is a little late this month ... Over there the magazine is known as "AQ." The guy also worked at "Car Bomb & Driver." When they killed him he was just finishing up their swimsuit issue. He was difficult and crazy, but a good editor. Reminded me of that Anna Wintour.

2. Jay Leno: A former model who was convicted two decades ago of killing her husband and then cooking and eating parts of his body is seeking parole. My question, how long does it take a model to eat a person? And after she ate a part of his body, did she use one of his fingers to make herself throw up.

1. Craig Ferguson:President Obama and Michelle got married on this day in 1992, and they had a lovely dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time anyone said yes to an Obama proposal.

Kindle Fire Tablet

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October Winners

Monday, October 3 Strangie to
Craig Ferguson:President Obama and Michelle got married on this day in 1992, and they had a lovely dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time anyone said yes to an Obama proposal.

Tuesday, October 4 Strangie to
Jon Stewart: As the Republicans keep looking under rocks for a viable candidate, front runner Mitt Romney must be thinking, "What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be."

Wednesday, October 5 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: The Nobel Prize for Chemistry went to an Israeli scientist for his work on quasicrystals. The scientist was forced to leave his research group because they thought quasicrystals were crazy. So he found great success on his own. It's like the research group was Destiny's Child and he was Beyonce. He's probably taunting them in a subtle way: I'm rubber and you're glue. It bounces off me and sticks to ... my Nobel Prize.


Thursday, October 6 Strangie to
Jay Leno: A 71-year-old woman was arrested for having sex in a parked car outside a bar with a 54-year-old man. Police aren't sure what they're going to charge her with. They're still waiting for the dust to settle.

Friday, October 7 Strangie to
Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, drinking fountains. Or as I like to call you, face bidets.

Monday, October 10 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: A study found that most young people think the Christian church is unfriendly. And the Catholic church is a little too friendly.

Tuesday, October 11 Strangie to
David Letterman: For tonight's debate each Republican candidate was paired with a professional dancer.

Wednesday, October 12 Strangie to David Letterman: President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight, and we had trouble with security. The bomb-sniffing dogs found the cue cards.

Thursday, October 13 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: A woman is suing a sex toy company because she got hurt with one of their vibrators. Apparently it didn't call her the next day.

Friday, October 14 Strangie to David Letterman: Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.


Monday, October 17 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: The Occupy Wall Street movement has raised over $300,000, so technically they now have to protest themselves.


Tuesday, October 18 Strangie to Craig Ferguson guest Paula Poundstone: It's hard to follow the Republican field. It's like watching a front-loading dryer. It's Romney. It's Bachmann. It's Perry. It's Cain. It's a sock!


Wednesday, October 19 Strangie to Stephen Colbert: Our guest tonight, Ali Soufon, is an expert at getting information from terrorists. I'm going to have him call Time Warner customer service for me. 


Thursday, October 20 Strangie to Jon Stewart: No'Amor Qaddafi: He was on the hood of a car, groggy, and said, "Don't shoot me." But they shot him anyway. They're rebels. Here's a clip. I warn you, it's quite graphic. [Showed the pair of red shoes sticking out from the house that fell on the Wicked Witch of the West.]

Friday, October 21 Strangie to
Craig Ferguson: The movie "Paranormal Activity 3" opens today. They're pumping these out pretty fast. In the new one the kids are haunted by the ghost of Moammar Khadafy. That's fast!

Monday, October 24 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: President Obama is appearing on Jay Leno to highlight the one job that WAS saved during his administration.

Tuesday, October 25 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: The Libyans have buried Khadafy at a secret undisclosed location. In other words, it's going to be the best season of "The Amazing Race" ever.

Wednesday, October 26 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: On "The View" Whoopi Goldberg revealed she travels with her vibrator. This was in response to Barbara Walters asking, "What's in the cello case?"

Thursday, October 27 Strangie to Jay Leno: A male escort by the name of Rent Boy claims he was hired for sex by a New Jersey mayor, who is married. I'm siding with the mayor. If you're not sure you're gay, renting is the way to go.

Friday, October 28 Strangie to
Jay Leno guest Adam Sandler: I play my own twin sister in the movie, so I had to shave my legs. I'd do my calves and thighs, but I wouldn't know how high to go, so I'd end up shaving my vagina.

Monday, October 31 Strangie to
Jay Leno: One kid wanted me to pay him $5 to give him candy. I asked who he was supposed to be. He said, "Bank of America."
   

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@strangedejim

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