October
Strangies:
Letterman 6,
Leno
5, Kimmel 4,
Ferguson
3, Handler 2
Friday, October 29
(Stewart and Colbert off, Kimmel and
Handler in reruns)
10. David
Letterman: "My first Halloween my mother sent me out as a tramp: high
heels, lipstick, fishnet stockings ..."
9. Jay Leno: "Federal investigators have stopped a man from a terrorist
plot against the D.C. Metro system, where he planned to bring
Washington, D.C. to a standstill. A little late for that. We're already
there. Mission accomplished."
8. Craig Ferguson: "I hate the grizzly side of Halloween, where people
make their front yards into graveyards, with headstones and zombies. If
I wanted to see a twisted creature on the ground I'd throw David
Hasselhoff a hamburger.
7. Craig Ferguson: "Don't try giving trick or treaters healthy treats.
Kids don't want tofu. They want the kind or real candy that makes you
stuff the hooker in the closet and trash the hotel room."
6. Jay Leno: "The TSA announced that starting today a manual search at
the airport, instead of the traditional pat down, will involve a slide
of the hands up the insides of your legs. That's if you're in first
class. If you're in coach you have to drop your pants and cough."
5. Jay Leno showed an actual news report of a demonstration on a
mannequin of how women's breasts will be rubbed at airports to be sure
there's nothing in the bra. Then he showed Gloria Allred holding a news
conference with her client the mannequin.
4. Jay Leno: "Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have
the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is
furious, and says as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will
respond, and harshly."
3. Jimmy Fallon: "Trouble all over the country with suspicious packages
at airports. Too bad it happened so close to Halloween. You know there
was an air marshal dressed as Snooki, 'All right, everybody off the
plane. Stop laughing. I know, 'gym, tan, laundry,' but I'm serious.'"
2. Craig Ferguson: "I don't like carving pumpkins, putting your hand in
all that icky gooey stuff. It's like giving Larry King a prostate exam.
Don't ask me how I know that. 'Hey, you're not my regular guy!'"
1. Jay Leno: "The Giants
crushed the Rangers last night, nine to nothing. The Ranger pitching
was not good. They let more guys walk than an L.A. jury."
The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009
Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock
Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track
down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian
and granddaughter.
Page
267
- Not myself, as in a mirror, but a simple, flowing continuous line of
ink on paper, elegant as a Japanese master. It was not a sketch, it was
a finished piece, done on a sheet of dense and expensive paper. At the
lower left was its title: "My Father's Wife." It was signed Adler.
I went around the room, methodically piling up the furniture until the
carpet was free of encumbrance.
Then I rolled him up in it.
268 - "You shouldn't have cursed," I told him.
I could see him wrestling with the unlikeliness of that opening
statement. "What?"
"If you'd held a deep breath instead, you'd have more room now. As it
is, your lungs are constricted. You'll probably pass out after a while."
.
Thursday, October 28
10. David Letterman: David Letterman: "Mayor
Bloomberg is cracking down on the noise problem. He's encouraging
everyone to use their silencers."
9. Craig Ferguson: "Today Charlie Sheen said the whole incident has
been, and I quote, overblown. I think you can say the same about
Charlie."
8. Jimmy Fallon: "Miley Cyrus's parents Billy Ray and Tish are
getting divorced after 17 years. It's the first divorce where the kid
has to pay parent support. Tish is seeking full custody of Miley, while
Billy Ray is seeking full custody of Hannah Montana."
7. Jay Leno: "Mike the Situation says before he sleeps with a
girl he puts her in a hot tub at 200 degrees to kill any bacteria. How
skanky are your girls if you have to boil them first?"
6. Jay Leno: "Earlier in the evening Charlie Sheen had taken his
ex-wife and children to 'Mary Poppins.' Then he went to the hotel for
some 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.'"
5. David
Letterman:
"A
woman
in China got tired of friends and family badgering
her to get married and decided to marry herself. She met herself
online. That's how it started."
4. Jon Stewart: Samantha Bee, Licensed Realtor: "Yes you can come home
to this eco-friendly D.C. colonial, ideal for a mixed race couple or a
same-sex couple looking to adopt, with compost bin and hot tub. Wait,
this is the offer sheet from 2008. Here's the new one. Do tread on me.
I'm a traditionally designed 3 bedroom tax shelter in a mosque-free
school district. Gracious shooting-range-size back yard. Hot tub easily
converts to witch's cauldron."
3. Jimmy Kimmel: "Usually I don't dress up, but this year I'm going as
a big slab of meat covered with pieces of Lady Gaga."
2. Jay
Leno: "Today spellcheck on my computer didn't know who Snooki
was. So
apparently I have a computer from 2 years into the future."
1. Craig
Ferguson:
"I
don't like those 3-D
glasses. You don't know how many people have had them on their faces
before you. They're like Kardashians."
The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009
Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock
Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track
down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian
and granddaughter.
Page
256
-
I
thanked
him and said that, if he wanted to put together a list of
appropriate residences, I should be by in a day or two to look at them.
I retrieved my bag of burglary tools, and left.
260 - He sounded insincere to me, but then, I was prepared for
insincerity: Religion has proved the refuge of so many scoundrels, one
begins by doubting, and waits to be proven wrong.
266 - ... knocking him half out of the room, then jerking the upper
window down hard across his spine. He bellowed and shoved back hard.
Glass and wood crackled, then went abruptly silent as he became aware
of the tip of my knife, pressing into an exquisitely sensitive, and
currently exquisitely vulnerable, part of his anatomy.
.
Wednesday, October 27
10. David
Letterman: "You've got to hand it to Charlie Sheen. Even in N.Y. it's
unusual for an evening to begin with taking the kids to 'Mary Poppins'
and end with a crying hooker in the closet."
9. Jimmy Kimmel: "Charlie Sheen wasn't charged with any crime, because
his father used to be President."
8. Jimmy Fallon: "There was a tornado warning in D.C., and it was
pretty spectacular when the White House landed on Christine O'Donnell
and her feet curled up."
7. Craig Ferguson: "San Francisco's
stadium is AT&T Park, a perfect name because you can't get cell
phone reception."
6. Craig Ferguson: "San Francisco and Dallas are very different. One's
full of gorgeous gay men, and the other is San Francisco. I look
forward to dodging your bullets."
5. Jimmy Fallon: "New Jersey's governor has canceled a tunnel between
New Jersey and New York, so New Yorkers will have to continue to get to
New Jersey the way they always have, by accident."
4. Jimmy Kimmel: "Denise Richards said, 'Charlie, could you please
scream at the hooker in your inside voice. The children are trying to
sleep.'"
3. Jon Stewart guest Barack Obama: "What might have made a difference,
Jon, would be if you'd held the Rally to Restore Sanity a couple of
years ago."
2. David Letterman: "We have the Charlie Sheen 911 call: 'Welcome to
911. To report Charlie Sheen driving his car off a cliff, press 1. To
report Charlie Sheen drunk and naked on your lawn, press 2. To report
Charlie Sheen trashing your hotel, press 3.' 'Beep.' 'All our Charlie
Sheen operators are busy. Please hold.'"
1. Jay Leno: "A woman in
Taiwan who couldn't find a husband is going to marry herself. If you're
going to get her a wedding gift, you can't go wrong with batteries."
The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009
Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock
Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track
down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian
and granddaughter.
Page
153
-
I
nodded
solemnly,
and gave way to an unkind impulse. "Are you
published yet?"
247 - Grumbling the pharmacist filled and labeled a bottle, took my
money, and declared that this would not be permitted again.
Nodding weekly, I committed a criminal act in his ledger and left.
.
Tuesday, October 26
10. David
Letterman: "Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones has published
his memoirs. Great stories. One time he fell off the stage and knocked
himself conscious."
9. Jimmy Fallon: "AT&T had 5.2 million new iPhone customers in the
3rd quarter. They had a big party, but no reception."
8. Craig Ferguson: "I downloaded Keith Richards' new book to my Kindle,
and now my Kindle has to go to rehab, where it awaits the presence of
Charlie Sheen. Apparently in the book Keith says he has a secret dream
of becoming a librarian. I think he just misspelled lesbian."
7. Jimmy Fallon: "The author of 'Fiddler on the Roof' died today at 98.
He diddle diddle diddle died."
6. Jimmy Fallon: "TSA just installed full-body scanners at JFK, which
should decrease the number of weapons that get through and increase the
number of guys saying, 'It's really cold in here, right?'"
5. Jimmy Kimmel: "Amazingly enough, on 'Dancing with the Stars' Bristol
Palin was neither eliminated nor impregnated. I don't know where she's
getting all this support. She's already gotten more votes than her
mother did."
4. Jay Leno: "Reportedly Charlie Sheen trashed his Plaza Hotel room,
and police were called by a naked woman who'd locked herself in the
bathroom. His alcohol level was that of two and a half men."
3. Jay Leno: "Charlie Sheen had taken his family earlier that evening
to 'Mary Poppins' on Broadway, and when he called the escort service he
specifically asked for a hooker who was
'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.'"
2. Jay Leno: "One out of three voters are undecided, and it's a tough
choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the
people who can't get us out of this mess?"
1. David Letterman:
"Madonna is opening a chain of fitness centers. Up until now, people
just worked out on Madonna."
The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009
Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock
Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track
down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian
and granddaughter.
Page 150 - I was halfway down the length of the table, close
enough
to catch his eye if not his ear, but it didn't take long to figure out
who he was.
Augustus John was that most unlikely of creatures, a prosperous
Bohemian -- one who had even been invited into the Royal Academy.
Perhaps his nonconformist ways had even contributed to his success, for
in a n artist of the Twentieth Century, outrageousness and avant-garde
were to be desired -- and a man who extilled the superiority of his
friends the gipsies, who kept a household of two peasant-dressed wives
and their assorted barefoot children while still collecting mistresses
and befriending royalty, and who went around London looking like a
Canadian trapper in a velvet cloak was the very definition of
nonconformist.
He was also a fine painter, which helped matters considerably.
.
Monday, October 25
10. Jimmy
Kimmel: "Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested in Canada on warrants
from the United States for running out on a $10,000 hotel bill and
trashing a house they used to own. But the weird part is they're
seeking asylum in Canada from Hollywood 'star whackers' who they think
killed Heath Ledger, David Carradine and other stars and are now after
them, but are too lazy to go to Canada. I think the Quaids may be a
little Quaisy."
9. Craig Ferguson: "Brett Favre has more problems. He has a swollen
ankle, and it turns out to be broken. Doctors want to take X-rays, but
his wife won't allow any pictures below the waist. If you want to know
more, be careful when you google the words 'Brett Favre' and 'swollen.'
And by 'be careful' I mean 'do it, it's awesome.'"
8. David Letterman: "Big news for Catholics. There are six new saints.
Their names were announced in Beverly Hills this morning by Owen Wilson
& Rachel McAdams, at an event hosted by Neil Patrick Harris. Among
the saints are Father Andre, Sister Mary, and, of course, Mrs. Regis
Philbin."
7. David Letterman: "A woman who's tired of looking for a man, tired of
her friends and family pressuring her to get married, has decided she
will marry herself. She's having a ceremony, a honeymoon ... There's
just got to be someone for Jennifer Aniston. When I was a sophomore in
college I almost married myself."
6. Jay Leno: "Brett Favre was so upset by losing this weekend that
after the game even his penis refused to pose for pictures."
5. David Letterman: "In the final game the Yankees lost 6 to 1. Even
the Conan Blimp deflated."
4. Jon Stewart: For the Juan Williams story John Oliver was at NPR
Headquarters, a palace to rival Versailles. "They do fund raisers 11
months a year. How much of that do you think goes into radio programs?"
3. Jimmy Fallon: "Everybody's getting their Halloween costumes ready.
In fact, earlier this week I saw the Yankees pretending to be the Mets."
2. Jimmy Kimmel: "Brett Favre admitted sending voice mails of a sexual
nature to a female employee at his old team, but denied sending photos
of his penis, even though they came from the same number. So someone is
using Brett Favre's phone to send pictures of his or her penis."
1. Jimmy Kimmel: "If Brett
Favre would like to bring his penis here to compare it to the photos I
would do that, to set the record straight, or slightly curved, as the
case may be."
Jay Leno extra:
"Police in Seattle arrested a man in a park for having sex with his own
car. Would that be a carjacking?" This joke would have made it, except
Jay used it once before.
The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009
Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock
Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track
down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian
and granddaughter.
Page 50 - I'd thought it an oddity, but now it was a revelation: At
nineteen, a year after his mother's death, Damian had definitely known
who his father was. He had known of Holmes' beekeeping avocation in his
so-called retirement. He had painted this as a portrait of the famous
man who had, to his mind, coldly abandoned mother and child. He had
painted it with the consummate skill of a man, impelled by the fury of
a scorned adolescent.
52 - [Damian on Shanghai] My landlord, it turned out, was a policeman
with a side business of child prostitutes. One of his girls used to sit
in the courtyard playing the guitar and telling me of her dream to
become a Catholic nun, once she had finished putting her older brother
through university.
.
Special Report: Night
of Too Many Stars, an Overbooked Benefit for Autism Education. Hosted
by Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart:
"look at the person to the right of you. Look at the person to the left
of you. Both those people have the ability to do something about autism
education. But only one of them has bedbugs." "Here's the woman who did
for glasses what J. Lo did for .... Tina Fey!"
Tina Fey: "Those who make a premium donation
will receive the '2011 Tina Fey Swimsuit Calendar.' [It was her face on
a bunch of different male and female bodies.] OK,
obviously
that
one
is
just
my
face
on
Justin
Bieber's
body, where it
should be."
Jon Stewart: "For a donation of $100 you get
the 'Tina Fey Calendar' plus the White Castle Scented Candle."
Ricky Gervais:
"It's better to give than receive, especially in prison."
Steve Carell: "Moments that when you see
them you instantly know you've seen a classic. Like Michael Jackson
moonwalking, or 'Pants on the Ground.'"
Steven Colbert: "We're putting this song on
iTunes, and any of the money that doesn't go to us goes to this cause."
[Song about Everybody's Talking 'Bout Sully Sullenberger.]
Jim Gaffigan: "I am not that guy from
'Capote.' That is the other out-of-shape, pale, good-looking guy. I am in black, because it's easier than going to
the gym. The color I really look fat in is flesh color. That's brutal
on me. At the gym I feel horrible. Too many thin people. At
McDonald's I feel great. You say you go to McDonald's, people think, 'I
didn't know I was better than you.' They sell 600 million burgers a
day. There are 300 million of us. Who goes there? You run into a friend at McDonald's, you go, 'Oh
crap.' They say, 'I'm just here for the 99¢ ATM. You?' 'I'm here
to meet a hooker.' McDonald's says, 'We sell burgers &
fries. We never said we were a farmer's market. In fact, our
spokesperson is a pedophile clown from the '70s,'"
George Clooney in profile had a real-looking
but much larger nose. Then he turned around and had one enormous ear.
Steve Carell held the two female high
bidders' hands and used their names while simulating an orgasm. Chris
Rock got on the phone and cursed out the high bidder's ex.
Penn Jillette: "If you can't masturbate to
this Tina Fey calendar you just don't know how to do it."
Sarah Silverman won the Sarah Silverman
Legends of Autism Award. She kissed Leonard Maltin as she got up to
accept. "The other nominees are so
wonderful. I just wish there could be five of these awards so I could
have one for each of my bathrooms. I have to think my agent and
my manager, all those Jews who worked so pushily and so money hungrily
on my behalf. Leonard, Leonard Maltin. You
are my world. Thank you for being my rock. Richard Roeper cannot hold a
candle to you as a film critic or an oral lover. He truly is a
dead fish. This moment is for all the strong, fortunate, Caucasian
girls with approachable good looks and big naturals. Girls like me, who
maybe thought they'd never have the chance to get all the attention.
I'd like to ask everyone now for a moment of silence. My phone is on
vibrate and I lost it. Then she took a call in the middle of her
acceptance speech.
John Hodgman: People donating by text got to
vote on what flavor milkshake would be poured over his head. He
admitted he was deathly allergic to strawberry. Strawberry won. Brian
Cranston poured it over him. No allergic reaction. John: "I used some
of the money to cure my allergy."
Surprise guest David Letterman strolled
on-stage with a guy in a suit. "Jon, I'm terribly sorry to interrupt
rehearsal, but I wanted you to meet Doug Templeton. He's the president
of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences. They give out the
Emmy Awards." Doug to Jon: "Everybody is tired of you and your show
winning the Emmy year after year. Everybody hates you, especially
Conan." Dave: "You've won eight. How many would satisfy you? Nine? Ten?
A dozen?" Jon: "A dozen would be nice." Dave handed four Emmys to Jon:
"Now get out of the business." Doug grabbed a cell photo of him and Jon.
Conan O'Brien: The highest bidder got to
come to his studio and have Conan personally teach him/her how to
become the Masturbating Bear. The bidder would also receive a DVD of
the session. "The costume is made of Ed
Asner's back hair." After the session two lawyers from NBC
walked out and served the winner in a suit for $50 million.
Tina Fey & John Oliver auctioned off a
priceless millions-of-years-old fossil signed by George Clooney in the
winner's presence.
Lewis Black:
He told how he was following country star
Vince Gill, who was wonderful, and ended with a story about his
wonderful dead dad. "And as I stood offstage I had only one thought. 'I
don't have enough time to go home and kill mine.'" Then Vince's
wonderful wife Amy came out and they kissed and she sang. "Who booked
these acts? Who said, 'Hey, why don't we get two wonderful Christians,
exuding joy and love on a level that is staggering, and then say, 'Now,
let's hear what the miserable, aging, Jewish prick has to say.'"
Jason Alexander and Lauren Graham auctioned
off items such as the Declaration of Independence signed by one of the
founding fathers, Stephen Colbert. They also auctioned off Sarah
Palin's book "Going Rogue," signed by Tina Fey.
Jimmy Kimmel auctioned off a $4 Milwaukee
Brewers manager Doug Melvin bobble-head doll signed by a whole slew of
celebrities including Clint Eastwood, plus Doug Melvin himself, also
signed by the celebrities.
Chris Rock & Tracey Morgan came out as
Simon & Garfunkel and sang "Scarborough Fair." Paul Simon walked
out and tried to give them singing tips, but they cursed him out. He
came back out and instructed them. They added AutoTune, and Paul
started rapping.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: "I'm here for
other celebrity charities, like the Larry King Center for Smoother
Testicles, the Woody Harrelson March of Dime Bags, the Initiative to
allow 'Glee' Fans to Serve Openly in the Military, Heidi Montag's
Charity: Doctors Without Boundaries, Justin Bieber Stop Puberty Now
Foundation, The Kim Kardashian What Exactly Do I Do Research
Initiative, the Snooki Anti-Anti-Italian Defamation League, and the
Institute for Cher-Induced Erectile Disfunction,"
Jimmy Fallon: "Our
next sponsor's name is the last thing you see before you or someone you
love pulls down your underwear. Please welcome Tommy Hilfiger."
Then Jimmy sang The Who's "Tommy."
Texting donors got to vote whether they'd
get to see Marissa Miller in a bathing suit or a naked Andy Richter.
Andy Richter got 82% of the vote, but instead of a flash, the photo was
up for a couple minutes. Then it turns out the vote was 82% Marissa.
Joel McHale: "I have a 5- and a 2-year old.
They're twins."
Friday, October 22
(All 8 shows
in reruns)
Thursday, October 21
(All but Handler & Kimmel
in reruns)
10. Jimmy
Kimmel: "This morning was the Great California Shakeout, our annual
earthquake drill. Did you know if you're trapped under a falling girder
you're supposed to yell, 'Help, I'm trapped under a girder?' You learn
a lot in these drills."
9. Jimmy Kimmel: "In Syria a 5-year-old boy
and a 3-year-old girl are engaged. It's his second marriage, her first.
This is crazy. He's almost twice her age."
8. Jimmy Kimmel: "Tonight was the season
finale of 'Jersey Shore.'" Jimmy showed clips of them yelling at each
other. "Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye.
7. Jimmy Kimmel: "The finale of 'Jersey
Shore' was touching. J. Woww had sold her breast implants to buy The
Situation a muscle shirt, but he'd already sold his abs to buy her a
support bra."
6. Jimmy Kimmel: "Rod Stewart and Clint
Eastwood are here. They've been working on a duet: 'Have I Told You
Lately I Feel Lucky, Punk?'"
5. Chelsea Handler: "North Poled: Gay
Penguins Can't Stay Together.
Penguins form gay relationships, but they don't last very long." Guy
Branum: "They talk about these gay penguins being in relationships and
adopting eggs. Why is Antarctica more liberal than Florida?"
4. Chelsea Handler: Jeff Wild: "The nice
thing with gay penguins is there are no mix-ups. If you're from the
North Pole you're a top ..."
3. Jimmy Kimmel showed a clip of Deanna
Favre saying she was handling her husband Brett's escapades through
faith. "Faith, by the way, is the name of her divorce attorney."
2. Jimmy Kimmel: "Brett Favre's wife Deanna
has written a book and is out promoting it. If she really wanted to
promote it she should have put an ad on her husband's penis, because
it's getting a lot of exposure these days."
1. Chelsea Handler: "Baby
on Snowboard: Alpine ski racer Picabo Street was spokesperson for this
birth control method where they put something in your Fallopian tubes,
and then she became pregnant." Jeff Wild: "I hope they name the kid
Iseeyou, because it would be Picabo, Iseeyou."
Bo Burnham
Comedy Central Special
"Words Words Words"
"The average person has
one Fallopian tube."
"What do you call a kid with no arms and an
eye patch? Names."
Wednesday, October 20
(All but Handler & Kimmel
in reruns)
10. Jimmy Kimmel:"Reporters spread out all over
the city to say, 'Yes, it's raining here too, Tom.'"
9. Chelsea Handler: "Michael Lohan held a press conference to say
he won't hold any more press conferences."
8. Jimmy Kimmel: "Our next guest has probably had more books on the
best seller list than any other Playmate of the Year ever. Her new book
is called 'Love, Lust & Faking It.' Here's Jenny McCarthy."
7. Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama is going to India, and they've
canceled a visit to a Sikh temple, because he'd have to wear a turban,
and that might make him look like a Muslim, even though Muslim's don't
wear turbans, but we're dumb. That's also why he canceled Turban
Tuesdays in the Rose Garden. Obama should do what Bush used to do.
Everywhere he went there was a beer hat on his head. Problem solved."
6. Jimmy Kimmel: "A Republican operative in Nevada tried to buy
air time to urge Latinos not to vote. The Democrats fired back with an
ad urging Latinos to vote twice."
5. Chelsea Handler: "Beyonce Pregnant: All the Single Babies."
4. Jimmy Kimmel: "TLC has released footage from 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,'
and the Palin family happens upon a family of bears." Jimmy showed a
clip of the two families shooting each other with automatic weapons and
bazookas. "The 2nd Amendment is the right to arm bears, right?"
3. "California Gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman sent out a tweet
announcing her endorsement by a law enforcement group, but when you
click on the link you get a Korean transvestite bass player. It's been
24 hours, and they still haven't fixed the link. You can't expect the
former CEO of eBay to know how to work a web site, can you?"
2. Jimmy Kimmel: "It's rained in L.A. for a record two days. For car
wash workers it represents thousands of dollars in lost ashtray change."
1. Chelsea Handler:
Starbucks has ordered its baristas to make no more than 2 drinks at a
time so it's not an assembly line. "Starbucks Takes Its Time:
Expresslow."
Bo Burnham
Comedy Central Special
"Words Words Words"
"Approximately 33.33% of
the Jonas Brothers have diabetes."
"1 out of 44 U.S. Presidents can dunk."
X
Tuesday, October 19
(All but Handler & Kimmel
in reruns)
10. (See #s 8
& 9) Jimmy Kimmel showed an ad for "No Way," a program about
Christine O'Donnell's "amazing journey to discover things most people
learn in second grade, right after 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' right here
on TLC."
9. Jimmy Kimmel: "Christine O'Donnell, the
anti-masturbation dabbler in witchcraft candidate says she'll follow
the Constitution. Perhaps she should read it first." Jimmy showed a
clip of her asking her opponent where in the Constitution it says there
should be a separation of church and state. Jimmy: "They're doing the
classic comedy routine, 'Who's on the First Amendment?'"
8. (See #9) Jimmy Kimmel: "Evidently they
don't teach the Constitution at Hogwarts."
7. Jimmy Kimmel: "One of the Chilean miners
was on TV today and said he wrote two letters, just in case, which he
left down below. The interviewer asked what was in the letters." Jimmy
showed a clip of the miner speaking, with the English translator
saying, "Dear Crate & Barrel: I ordered a salad spinner from you
guys more than two weeks ago. The order number was ..." Jimmy: "It
sounds funny, but can you imagine how dirty his salads were down there?"
6. Jimmy Kimmel: "Wrangler Jeans has
commercials with Brett Favre, but he's even affected the commercials
he's not in." Jimmy showed a commercial where the announcer says
Wrangler Jeans are "loose enough to get a camera down the front."
(Favre sent photos of his penis to a woman.)
5. Jimmy Kimmel: "The doctor who put
embryos in the Octomom is being investigated, and it came out that she
still has 29 frozen embryos left, almost one for each Chilean miner. It
may be time for Obama to build a border fence around her uterus."
4. Jimmy Kimmel: "In Kansas City a 300-pound
chimp named Sue got loose from a private owner. Who keeps a 300-pound
chimp in their house? Have we learned nothing from the Oprah show?"
3. Chelsea Handler: "It's our 600th episode.
When we started, Chaz Bono was Chastity Bono, a woman who did not like
men inside her. Now we know why. She already had a man inside of her."
2. (See #1) Jimmy Kimmel showed a clip of
Sarah Palin in the 'DWTS' audience with a hunting rifle shooting the
male gorilla. "You can't dangle a carrot like that in front of Sarah
Palin and expect not to get shot."
1. Jimmy Kimmel: "Last
night on 'Dancing
with the Stars' Bristol Palin and her partner came out in gorilla
costumes, the closest anyone in the Palin family has ever come to
acknowledging evolution."
Bo Burnham
Comedy Central Special
"Words Words Words"
"Shakespeare: 'What light through yonder beaver breaks? It is the
yeast.'"
"I saw a rainbow on the day my grandmother died. F#%king lesbian."
.
Monday, October 18
(All but Handler & Kimmel
in reruns)
10. Jimmy
Kimmel: "This other Chilean
miner Victor wrote a poem to his wife every day. To make the other guys
look bad, I think. 'I couldn't write you, honey. Victor had the only
pen.'"
9. Jimmy Kimmel: "'Dancing with the
Stars' is so popular ABC is
coming out with 'Skating with the Stars.' If we get to see Vanilla Ice
on ice I'll die happy."
8. Chelsea Handler: "'The Enquirer' had a
story of Oprah and Gayle
going camping together, with the headline 'BFFs Share Brokeback
Getaway.'" Ben Gleib: "They're implying they're gay, but maybe two best
friends just wanted to go to a quiet place where they could go fishing
for tuna."
7. Jimmy Kimmel: "TLC has a new reality show
'Sarah Palin's Alaska.'
Sarah says, 'I'd rather be out here than in some stuffy old political
office,' so let's remember that in 2012."
6. Jimmy Kimmel guest Aasif Mandvi: "My
parents forced me to be an
actor. I wanted to be a doctor."
5. Jimmy Kimmel: "Lamar Odom and Chloe
Kardashian are launching a
perfume. May I be so bold as to suggest they call it Lardash?"
4. Chelsea Handler guest Johnny Knoxville on
"Jackass 3-D:" "With these
giant 3-D cameras, if somebody passed out 500 yards away, we couldn't
get over to do something awful to them, and that was a concern."
3. Chelsea Handler: "RadarOnline.com has
reported that the Chelsea
Handler sex tape distribution has been stopped, so the general public
won't see it. Which is because there never was a sex tape. Do I look
that stupid? Still, I'd really like to see it."
2. Jimmy Kimmel: "Although the Chilean
miners had offers from many
studios to tell their stories they decided to do a remake of 'Saturday
Night Fever' instead."
1.
Jimmy
Kimmel
showed
a
clip
of
Chilean
miner
Victor
reading
a
poem
from
underground:
"I
spend
my
days
hoping. I spend my nights crying. We
don't have a bathroom. My poor nose is dying." Jimmy: "He's like Miner
Anjelou down there."
Bo Burnham
Comedy Central Special
"Words Words Words"
"Women can
fake orgasms, but men can
fake love."
"I'm a Leo and I loved 'Titanic.'"
'Where are all the Sour Patch parents?"
.
Friday, October 15
(Stewart & Colbert off, Handler & Kimmel
in reruns)
10. Craig
Ferguson: "'Jackass 3-D' has Johnny Knoxville and that midget who
always runs around in his underpants. What's his name? Tom Cruise."
9. Jimmy Fallon: "Victoria's Secret model
Merissa Miller has been chosen as the new spokesperson for the NFL.
Brett Favre has already texted her a welcome package."
8. Jay Leno: "You had these guys sitting in
a black hole for three months, doing nothing. It's like Congress."
7. Jay Leno: "My favorite part of this
rescue, you know the guy with the wife and the mistress? Today he said
he wants them to meet and become friends. Guys never know when to shut
up. You just got out of one hole. You're digging yourself another."
6. David Letterman guest Amy Sedaris: "I saw
this ad for a house, and it said it had 'two French doors leading to a
large dick for entertainment.'"
5. David Letterman: "Today 'Jackass 3-D'
opened. Is it Oscar season already? It's the life story of
gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, adapted from a short story by
Somerset Maugham."
4. Craig Ferguson: "Not a good day for two
guys in England who were caught running an illegal sperm bank in their
basement. The police kicked in the door and yelled, 'Hands up!' and the
guy said, 'Just one more second!'"
3. Jimmy Fallon: "One of the 33 Chilean
miners said they joked about cannibalism while they were down there.
'If you don't believe me ask the 34th guy. Oops. What do you mean,
what's this extra pair of sunglasses?'"
2. Jimmy Fallon: "Barbara Walters has made
her list of 2010's Most Fascinating People and included the cast of
'The Jersey Shore.' People left off the list called it a major insult,
and people on the list called it a major insult."
1. Jay Leno: "Today down
in Chile, a huge outbreak of sex with miners."
Thursday, October 14
10. Jay Leno:
"A Saudi Arabian Prince is on trial for murdering his manservant. And
if he's found guilty his wife will be stoned to death."
9. Jay Leno: "Carl Paladino, that New York
candidate who said all those horrible anti-gay things, turns out to own
two buildings that house gay nightclubs. So I guess when it comes to
making money his attitude is don't ask, don't tell."
8. Jay Leno: "Chile endured waiting for 69
days with nothing happening. It was like soccer."
7. David Letterman: "Thirty-three miners.
There haven't been this many guys rescued since ... well, remember when
Madonna's bed collapsed?"
6. Jimmy Kimmel: "Today the miners were able
to update their Facebook status to 'Not trapped in a mine.' "
5. Craig Ferguson: "Today sexting
quarterback Brett Favre was nailed in the groin by a football.
Somebody's going to need make-up for the next photo shoot."
4. Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy Kimmel: "Fox News has
started a new network Fox News Latino, with the stories in Spanish and
the anchors in bumblebee costumes. It seems to me if they want to
attract Latino viewers on the one network they should probably quit
telling them to leave the country on the other."
3. Jay Leno: "They had the final
debate in the California governor's race. In case you missed it, it
went , 'Whore!' 'Jerk!' 'Bitch!' 'Old man!' 'Slut!' 'Loser!.'"
2. David Letterman: "One man's wife found
out he had a mistress, while he was a half-mile underground. And isn't
that where you want to be at a time like that?"
1. Jay Leno: "All 33
miners were sent to the hospital for observation, except for that one
guy with the mistress. He went straight to the witness protection
program."
Wednesday, October 13
10. Jay Leno:
"Meg Whitman, a white woman from back East wants to replace an Austrian
governor and is putting out ads in Mandarin and Cantonese to explain
why she fired a Mexican maid."
9. David Letterman: "All 33 miners come out
and then Punxsutawney Phil."
8. Stephen Colbert: "We've been
helping Chile since 1973 when we assassinated their President."
7. Jon Stewart: "Chile: Jon Stewart Wraps
His Head Around a Miner's Shaft:" Jon: "I thought you were going to
clear these headlines with me." Olivia Munn was Senior Mineral
Extraction Analyst:
6. David Letterman: "These guys are having
to be gradually reintroduced to sunlight, and a few of them have to be
gradually reintroduced to marriage."
5. Jay Leno: "That miner who had the wife
and the mistress was #21 out, and his wife didn't come to meet him. His
clothes and belongings were there."
4. Jimmy Kimmel: "Christine O'Donnell, the
witch, is 18 points behind in the polls. Most people in Delaware say
they prefer either the Lion or the Wardrobe."
3. Jimmy Fallon: "Pope Benedict announced
the Catholic Church is going to be using more social networking sites
like Twitter and Facebook. Yeah, that's what we need, more priests
poking people."
2. Jimmy Fallon: "People all over the world
have been glued to their sets hoping this disaster would have a happy
ending, and it did. The Situation was voted off 'Dancing with the
Stars.'"
1. David Letterman: "BP
today successfully capped the shaft to prevent any more miners from
getting out."
Tuesday, October 12
10. David
Letterman: "The Chilean miners will be the highest number of people
trapped in a small space since the Octomom pregnancy."
9. Jon Stewart: "Kim Jong Un's cheeks
aren't chubby. He's storing up evil for the winter. Is this really the
best look for a leader of a famine-plagued country?
8. Craig Ferguson: "Brett Favre is still
claiming it's not his penis in those pictures, but I think it is. Not
for the reason you're thinking. It's because in one photo the penis is
throwing an interception."
7. Chelsea Handler: "The gays on 'The
A-List' go to a gym called Boot Camp. It makes perfect sense, though it
gives a whole new meaning to the term drill sergeant. I hear when it's
over they all get in the showers and give each other honorable
discharges."
6. Jay Leno: "A Hong Kong McDonald's
will now plan, cater and hold your wedding in their restaurant. The
honeymoon? That's at In-N-Out."
5. Jay Leno: "Google has a car that can
drive itself. Is this a good idea? You thought it was bad when your
computer crashed."
4. Jimmy Fallon: "There's talk of turning
the whole Chilean miner story into a movie. When Roman Polanski heard
about it he said, 'You had me at "minors."'"
3. Jay Leno: "A lawyer is suing his
old firm because his boss pressured him into attending a male retreat
where all the guys sat around naked, passed around a sexual device and
discussed their sexual histories. Or as we call it on 'The Tonight
Show,' band practice."
2. Stephen Colbert: "If you want to become
an American citizen, do it the legal way. At least have your
grandmother place a fake birth announcement in an Hawaiian newspaper."
1. David Letterman:
"People are accusing The Situation on 'Jersey Shore' of using steroids.
He says no, no, but he does work out a couple of hours a day on a
stationery Snooki."
Monday, October 11
10. David
Letterman: "The last Chilean miner out will get the record for the
human who's been buried the longest. It's like the New York Mets."
9. Craig Ferguson: "Happy Columbus Day, when
we pay tribute to central Ohio's most exciting city. I spent Columbus
Day doing something Christopher would have approved of, taking money
from a Spanish queen. Call me, Rafael."
8. Jimmy Fallon: "For Columbus Day I got one
of those memory foam mattresses that molds to the shape of your
bedbugs."
7. Jimmy Kimmel: "It's National Coming Out
Day. George Micheal was released from prison today on his DUI
conviction, so it was double Coming Out Day for him."
6. Jay Leno: "Americans don't walk as much
as people in other countries. We don't have to. There's a McDonald's or
Burger King on every corner."
5. Jay Leno: "Columbus Day is the perfect
American holiday. An Italian borrowed money from Spain and found a
country that was taken over by the English and became home to all the
Spanish speaking people in the world."
4. David Letterman: "The Nobel Prize in
Fiction went out today to Christine O'Donnell's resume. The Nobel Prize
for Economics went to Tiger Woods' wife."
3. David Letterman: "They caught the guy who
streaked in front of the President, and he's going to have to spend the
rest of 1974 in jail."
2. Jay Leno: "Evidently Brett Favre sent
pictures of his genitals to a female reporter, but you cannot convict a
man on circumcision evidence."
1. Jimmy Kimmel: "It's
Canadian Thanksgiving, the day Canadians gather together and thank God
that Celine Dion moved to Las Vegas."
Friday, October 8
(Stewart
&
Colbert
off,
Kimmel
&
Handler
in
reruns)
10. David
Letterman: "That Rick Sanchez. He's a guy you never heard of, and
now he's gone."
9. Craig Ferguson: "The 'Secretariat' movie
is directed by the guy who wrote 'Braveheart,' so he's had experience
working with animals ... Oh yeah, ooh me. Like I'm the one driving
drunk on the Pacific Coast Highway. It's me that's the drunken
anti-Semite."
8. Craig Ferguson: "There'll be a debate in
Delaware next week between the anti-masturbation witch candidate and
her opponent. She must be very nervous. If there were only some way to
release all that tension."
7. Jay Leno: "There are allegations
that Lou Dobbs, Mr. Anti-Immigration, had illegal aliens working for
him. The good news, now he's qualified to run for governor of
California. Dobbs says he never hired any illegal workers, so it looks
like we have a Mexican standoff."
6. Jay Leno showed a Democratic candidate
saying he's afraid Guam will become so overpopulated it will tip over,
and then Republican Christine O'Donnell saying lust is a sin and you
can't masturbate without lust. "And don't masturbate on Guam, or the
island will tip over."
5. David Letterman: Top 10 Things You Don't
Know About Kim Jong Un: 7. Throws left, tortures right.
4. David Letterman: "Even Lindsay
Lohan has baseball playoff fever. She's high and inside."
3. Jay Leno: "Would you watch a Tiger Woods
sex tape? Unlike his golf game, you'd get to see Tiger finish first."
2. Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama has
decided not to sign a bill that would make it more difficult for
homeowners to fight foreclosure. Why is Obama suddenly so sensitive to
people being kicked out of their house? Oh yeah. Sorry."
1. Craig Ferguson: "The
race horse Secretariat got his own postage stamp in 1999, and,
coincidentally, he was also the glue on the back."
Thursday, October 7
(Kimmel
and
Handler
in
reruns)
10. Jimmy
Fallon: "A Barbie doll with a one-carat diamond necklace is expected to
sell at auction for $500,000. But that's as high as I'm going."
9. David Letterman: "'Forbes' has the list
of Most Powerful Women. Number 7 was Flo, the Progressive Insurance
lady. Number 16 was Sarah Palin. Number 15 was Tina Fey as Sarah Palin."
8. David Letterman: Top 10 Signs You'll
Never Win a Nobel Prize. 10. You've named your abdominal muscles. 8.
You had to clarify your past by saying, "I'm not a witch."
7. David Letterman guest Stephen Colbert on
his testimony before a Senate subcommittee: "When I saw how
intimidating the room was, I was ready to admit I was on steroids."
6. Craig Ferguson: "The Nobel Prize for
Literature went to Mario Vargas Llosa. That's super, Mario. He's from
Peru, so today they had a big celebration on Lake Titicaca, went around
in motorboats. If you fell out you did the breast stroke. Where's the
Nobel Prize for Innuendo?" Robot skeleton Geoff Peterson: "In your
pants."
5. Jimmy Fallon: "The C Train was rated the
worst subway in New York City. On the plus side, it was also rated the
best bathroom."
4. Jay Leno: "Comedian Ralphie May was
arrested in the Guam airport for possessing a small amount of
marijuana. You know how he got caught? He walked up to the
drug-sniffing dog and started petting him."
3. David Letterman: "Bo, the White House
dog, turned 2 today. The difference between Bo and the economy is that
Obama fixed the dog."
2. David Letterman: "I call this cab driver
weather. Very little chance of a shower."
1. Craig Ferguson: "Only
one American has won the Nobel Prize for Literature in the last 20
years, but that'll change next year, because Snooki's book is coming
out."
10. Jimmy
Fallon: "Michael Bolton is working on a new song about being humiliated
last week on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The song is called 'Making It
Worse.'"
9. David Letterman: "President Obama
was giving a speech, and the Presidential Seal on the podium fell off.
But you know what they found behind it? His birth certificate."
8. Jon Stewart: "Our D.C. Rally to Restore
Sanity is far enough away from Ground Zero, 206 miles, for us to have
Aasif Mandvi with us."
7. Jay Leno: "There's a new terror
alert. The government is warning us not to look at our bank statements."
6. Jimmy Fallon: "A man in Oregon set his
boss's car on fire because he was about to get fired. If he sets things
on fire when he gets fired, I don't want to see him when he gets
dumped."
5. "A 25-year-old man stopped for speeding
in Florida denied ownership of a bag of crack cocaine found between his
buttocks. What kind of cop does a cavity search for a speeding ticket?
'You going 45 in a 40? All right, drop 'em, son.'"
4. Craig Ferguson: "It was so wet today Jay
Leno stabbed Conan in the back with a snorkel."
3. Craig Ferguson: "I don't want chemicals
to improve my mood. I want to be cheered up the old fashioned way, by
other people's misfortune."
2. David Letterman: "Hillary Clinton is a
very powerful woman, and people are afraid of her. You know what they
call her? Kim Jong Hill."
1. Jay Leno: "Linguists
have discovered a new language that's understood by only a thousand
people in India. The language is called Tech Support."
Tuesday, October 5
(Kimmel
in
reruns)
10. Jay Leno:
"A man in Dallas was found dead inside a porn booth in an adult book
store. I know it sounds bad, but how many of us will get to die doing
something we really love?"
9. David Letterman: "In his latest tape
Osama bin Laden threatens a monster jihad against the U.S. unless we
release Lindsay Lohan."
8. David Letterman: "The Mets fired their
manager. Evidently he said something unkind about Jon Stewart." [Rick
Sanchez was fired from CNN for calling Jon Stewart a bigot and saying
Jews run the media.]
7. Jay Leno: "Delaware Tea Party candidate
Christine O'Donnell has a new campaign ad, 'I am not a witch,' and
Nancy Pelosi is furious. 'Hey, that's my campaign slogan.'"
6. Jimmy Fallon: "Christine O'Donnell has a
new campaign ad that says, 'I am not a witch.' It's not as effective as
her opponent's slogan, 'I am not Christine O'Donnell.'"
5. Craig Ferguson: "Senate candidate
Christine O'Donnell is against masturbation and she's dabbled in
witchcraft. Now she has a new ad saying, 'I am not a witch. I'm you."
Well if she's me, I'm not voting for her because I'm crazy. Besides, if
she's me, she masturbates constantly."
4. Jimmy Fallon: "Susan Boyle had to cancel
her performance of 'Hallelujah' on 'Glee' because of a throat
infection. But between you and me, I heard hair ball."
3. Jay Leno: "Chelsea Handler is
dating 50 Cent. I knew Chelsea was wild, but I never thought she'd put
out for 50 Cents."
2. Jay Leno: "One of Tiger's mistresses says
she's sold a sex tape. I'd like to see it. Watching his golf videos
really improved my game, so ..."
1. David Letterman: "Two
scientists won the Nobel Prize for creating the thinnest material in
the world. As a matter of fact, I think they write for this show."
Monday, October 4
(Kimmel
in
reruns)
10. Jay Leno: “This is now the longest recession
since the Great Depression. When this recession started, Lindsay Lohan
was known for her acting. It’s been that long. Pet food companies,
though, are making record profits, because that’s all anyone can afford
to eat now. The bank called. My CD rolled over … and died. NBC’s latest
show is ‘Law & Order IOU."
9. David Letterman: “Rahm Emanuel is leaving the White House to run for
Mayor of Chicago, but who can fill this important post? Well, America,
you voted, and it’s Betty White.”
8. Jimmy Fallon: “Hewlett-Packard’s new CEO just signed a 3-year deal
for $50 million. Sounds great now, but wait until he finds out how much
the ink cartridges cost.”
7. David Letterman: "President Obama's desperately trying to energize
voters. Today he was wearing a suit made of meat."
6. Jay Leno: “A 25-y-o man in Florida arrested for speeding said the
crack cocaine found in his butt was not his. The marijuana was his, but
the cocaine belonged to a friend. That’s a good friend. I don’t let my
friends store stuff in my garage.”
5. Craig
Ferguson: "I tweeted that I was sick, and people sent me their
remedies. One guy said I should hook my nuts up to a car battery, and I
tried it. So thank you, jfallon."
4. Craig Ferguson: “They say the #1 place you can pick up an infection
is doorknobs. That’s why I always lick them clean before I touch them.”
3. Jimmy Fallon: “A man won an election in Brazil, and he’s an
illiterate clown. I tried to tell someone an illiterate clown could be
elected in America too, but they totally refudiated me.”
2. Jay Leno: "'The
Social Contract' is a good movie. It touched all my emotions: LOL, OMG,
WTF ...:
1. David
Letterman: "This morning I let the dog out into the backyard. President
Obama was out there talking about the economy."
Friday, October 1
(Stewart
&Colbert
off,
Handler
&
Kimmel
in
reruns)
10.
Jimmy Fallon: "Mel Gibson's girlfriend has been awarded an extra
$15,000 a month in child support. When asked how he felt, Mel said,
'See the internet.'"
9. Jay Leno: "'The Social Network' opens
today. It's the true story of how a young man became a billionaire by
revolutionizing the way we waste time at work."
8. Jimmy Fallon: "Apple CEO Steve Jobs is
moving into a new $8.4 million mansion. He'll move out 6 months later
to move into a $10 million mansion with a built-in camera."
7. Jimmy Fallon: "Rahm Emanuel is leaving
the White House to run for Mayor of Chicago. He says it isn't easy
saying goodbye to President Obama. Voters say, 'Oh, it's easier than
you think.'"
6. David Letterman: "People are always
saying to me, 'Conan, what's the next big thing in fashion?'"
5. David Letterman: "15 years ago O.J.
Simpson was acquitted of murder. I think we all remember where we were
15 years ago when we said, 'You're kidding!'"
4. Jay Leno: "Astronomers have found a new
black hole in our galaxy. It's called the Treasury Department."
3. Craig Ferguson: "If this penis
recognition software detects a flesh-colored object of a certain shape,
it'll disconnect. But I got around it. I put a little wig on mine, and
the program thinks it's Donald Trump. 'Who's that strange-looking guy
with Donald Trump sitting on his lap?'"
2. Jay Leno: "A man in Houston was found
dead in a locked video booth in an adult bookstore. Police think he
died from a series of strokes."
1. David Letterman: "In
France thieves have invented a high-powered vacuum that sucks the cash
right out of an ATM machine. Here we call that an ex-wife."
October
Strangies
Friday, October 1 Strangie to David
Letterman: "In
France thieves have invented a high-powered vacuum that sucks the cash
right out of an ATM machine. Here we call that an ex-wife."
Monday, October 4 Strangie to David Letterman: "This morning I let the
dog out into the backyard. President Obama was out there talking about
the economy."
Tuesday, October 5 Strangie to David Letterman: "Two
scientists won the Nobel Prize for creating the thinnest material in
the world. As a matter of fact, I think they write for this show."
Wednesday, October 6 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Linguists
have discovered a new language that's understood by only a thousand
people in India. The language is called Tech Support."
Thursday, October 7 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Only one
American has won the Nobel Prize for Literature in the last 20 years,
but that'll change next year, because Snooki's book is coming out."
Friday, October 8 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "The race
horse Secretariat got his own postage stamp in 1999, and,
coincidentally, he was also the glue on the back."
Monday, October 11 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "It's Canadian
Thanksgiving, the day Canadians gather together and thank God that
Celine Dion moved to Las Vegas."
Tuesday, October 12 Strangie to David
Letterman:
"People
are
accusing
The
Situation
on
'Jersey
Shore'
of
using
steroids.
He
says
no,
no,
but
he
does
work
out
a
couple
of
hours a day on a stationery Snooki."
Wednesday, October 13 Strangie to
David Letterman: "BP today successfully capped the shaft to prevent any
more miners from getting out."
Thursday, October 14 Strangie to
Jay Leno: "All 33 miners were sent to the
hospital for observation, except for that one guy with the mistress. He
went straight to the witness protection program."
Friday, October 15 Strangie to Jay
Leno: "Today down in Chile, a huge outbreak of sex with miners."
Monday, October 18 Strangie to Jimmy
Kimmel, who showed a clip of Chilean miner Victor reading a poem
from underground: "I spend my days hoping. I spend my nights crying. We
don't have a bathroom. My poor nose is dying." Jimmy: "He's like Miner
Anjelou down there."
Tuesday, October 19 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Last night on 'Dancing with
the Stars' Bristol Palin and her partner came out in gorilla costumes,
the closest anyone in the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging
evolution."
Wednesday, October 20 Strangie to Chelsea
Handler: Starbucks has ordered its baristas to make no more than 2
drinks at a time so it's not an assembly line. "Starbucks Takes Its
Time: Expresslow."
Thursday, October 21 Strangie to Chelsea Handler: "Baby on Snowboard: Alpine
ski racer Picabo Street was spokesperson for this birth control method
where they put something in your Fallopian tubes, and then she became
pregnant." Jeff Wild: "I hope they name the kid Iseeyou, because it
would be Picabo, Iseeyou."
Friday, October 22: All shows in reruns.
Monday, October 25, Strangie to Jimmy
Kimmel:
"If
Brett
Favre
would
like
to
bring
his
penis here to compare it to the photos I would do that, to
set the record straight, or slightly curved, as the case may be."
Tuesday, October 26 Strangie to David Letterman: "Madonna is opening a
chain of fitness centers. Up until now, people just worked out on
Madonna."
Wednesday, October 27 Strangie to Jay
Leno: "A woman in Taiwan who couldn't
find a husband is going to marry herself. If you're going to get her a
wedding gift, you can't go wrong with batteries."
Thursday, October 28 Strangie to Craig
Ferguson:
"I
don't like those 3-D
glasses. You don't know how many people have had them on their faces
before you. They're like Kardashians."
Friday, October 29 Strangie to Jay
Leno: "The Giants crushed the Rangers
last night, nine to nothing. The Ranger pitching was not good. They let
more guys walk than an L.A. jury."
