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Strange de Jim entertained San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb). Strange holds the world record for Most Late-Night Jokes Absorbed, 1999 - Last Night.

Strange's Last Night's Top 10 Late-Night Jokes October 2010

late night hosts
 Click for Sue Trowbridge's Late-Night Lineups and Info.

October  Strangies: Letterman 6, Leno 5, Kimmel 4, Ferguson 3, Handler 2

Friday, October 29
(Stewart and Colbert off, Kimmel and Handler in reruns)

10. David Letterman: "My first Halloween my mother sent me out as a tramp: high heels, lipstick, fishnet stockings ..."

9. Jay Leno: "Federal investigators have stopped a man from a terrorist plot against the D.C. Metro system, where he planned to bring Washington, D.C. to a standstill. A little late for that. We're already there. Mission accomplished."

8. Craig Ferguson: "I hate the grizzly side of Halloween, where people make their front yards into graveyards, with headstones and zombies. If I wanted to see a twisted creature on the ground I'd throw David Hasselhoff a hamburger.

7. Craig Ferguson: "Don't try giving trick or treaters healthy treats. Kids don't want tofu. They want the kind or real candy that makes you stuff the hooker in the closet and trash the hotel room."

6. Jay Leno: "The TSA announced that starting today a manual search at the airport, instead of the traditional pat down, will involve a slide of the hands up the insides of your legs. That's if you're in first class. If you're in coach you have to drop your pants and cough."

5.  Jay Leno showed an actual news report of a demonstration on a mannequin of how women's breasts will be rubbed at airports to be sure there's nothing in the bra. Then he showed Gloria Allred holding a news conference with her client the mannequin.

4. Jay Leno: "Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious, and says as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly."

3. Jimmy Fallon: "Trouble all over the country with suspicious packages at airports. Too bad it happened so close to Halloween. You know there was an air marshal dressed as Snooki, 'All right, everybody off the plane. Stop laughing. I know, 'gym, tan, laundry,' but I'm serious.'"

2. Craig Ferguson: "I don't like carving pumpkins, putting your hand in all that icky gooey stuff. It's like giving Larry King a prostate exam. Don't ask me how I know that. 'Hey, you're not my regular guy!'"

1. Jay Leno: "The Giants crushed the Rangers last night, nine to nothing. The Ranger pitching was not good. They let more guys walk than an L.A. jury."

The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian and granddaughter.

Page 267 - Not myself, as in a mirror, but a simple, flowing continuous line of ink on paper, elegant as a Japanese master. It was not a sketch, it was a finished piece, done on a sheet of dense and expensive paper. At the lower left was its title: "My Father's Wife." It was signed Adler.

I went around the room, methodically piling up the furniture until the carpet was free of encumbrance.
Then I rolled him up in it.

268 - "You shouldn't have cursed," I told him.
I could see him wrestling with the unlikeliness of that opening statement. "What?"
"If you'd held a deep breath instead, you'd have more room now. As it is, your lungs are constricted. You'll probably pass out after a while."

.

Thursday, October 28

10. David Letterman: David Letterman: "Mayor Bloomberg is cracking down on the noise problem. He's encouraging everyone to use their silencers."

9. Craig Ferguson: "Today Charlie Sheen said the whole incident has been, and I quote, overblown. I think you can say the same about Charlie."

8. Jimmy Fallon:  "Miley Cyrus's parents Billy Ray and Tish are getting divorced after 17 years. It's the first divorce where the kid has to pay parent support. Tish is seeking full custody of Miley, while Billy Ray is seeking full custody of Hannah Montana."

7. Jay Leno:  "Mike the Situation says before he sleeps with a girl he puts her in a hot tub at 200 degrees to kill any bacteria. How skanky are your girls if you have to boil them first?"

6. Jay Leno: "Earlier in the evening Charlie Sheen had taken his ex-wife and children to 'Mary Poppins.' Then he went to the hotel for some 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.'"

5.
David Letterman: "A woman in China got tired of friends and family badgering her to get married and decided to marry herself. She met herself online. That's how it started."

4. Jon Stewart: Samantha Bee, Licensed Realtor: "Yes you can come home to this eco-friendly D.C. colonial, ideal for a mixed race couple or a same-sex couple looking to adopt, with compost bin and hot tub. Wait, this is the offer sheet from 2008. Here's the new one. Do tread on me. I'm a traditionally designed 3 bedroom tax shelter in a mosque-free school district. Gracious shooting-range-size back yard. Hot tub easily converts to witch's cauldron."

3. Jimmy Kimmel: "Usually I don't dress up, but this year I'm going as a big slab of meat covered with pieces of Lady Gaga."

2.
Jay Leno:  "Today spellcheck on my computer didn't know who Snooki was. So apparently I have a computer from 2 years into the future." 

1.
Craig Ferguson: "I don't like those 3-D glasses. You don't know how many people have had them on their faces before you. They're like Kardashians." 

The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian and granddaughter.

Page 256 - I thanked him and said that, if he wanted to put together a list of appropriate residences, I should be by in a day or two to look at them. I retrieved my bag of burglary tools, and left.

260 - He sounded insincere to me, but then, I was prepared for insincerity: Religion has proved the refuge of so many scoundrels, one begins by doubting, and waits to be proven wrong.

266 - ... knocking him half out of the room, then jerking the upper window down hard across his spine. He bellowed and shoved back hard. Glass and wood crackled, then went abruptly silent as he became aware of the tip of my knife, pressing into an exquisitely sensitive, and currently exquisitely vulnerable, part of his anatomy.

.

Wednesday, October 27

10. David Letterman: "You've got to hand it to Charlie Sheen. Even in N.Y. it's unusual for an evening to begin with taking the kids to 'Mary Poppins' and end with a crying hooker in the closet."

9. Jimmy Kimmel: "Charlie Sheen wasn't charged with any crime, because his father used to be President."

8. Jimmy Fallon: "There was a tornado warning in D.C., and it was pretty spectacular when the White House landed on Christine O'Donnell and her feet curled up."

7. Craig Ferguson:
"San Francisco's stadium is AT&T Park, a perfect name because you can't get cell phone reception."

6. Craig Ferguson: "San Francisco and Dallas are very different. One's full of gorgeous gay men, and the other is San Francisco. I look forward to dodging your bullets."

5. Jimmy Fallon: "New Jersey's governor has canceled a tunnel between New Jersey and New York, so New Yorkers will have to continue to get to New Jersey the way they always have, by accident."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: "Denise Richards said, 'Charlie, could you please scream at the hooker in your inside voice. The children are trying to sleep.'"

3. Jon Stewart guest Barack Obama: "What might have made a difference, Jon, would be if you'd held the Rally to Restore Sanity a couple of years ago."

2. David Letterman: "We have the Charlie Sheen 911 call: 'Welcome to 911. To report Charlie Sheen driving his car off a cliff, press 1. To report Charlie Sheen drunk and naked on your lawn, press 2. To report Charlie Sheen trashing your hotel, press 3.' 'Beep.' 'All our Charlie Sheen operators are busy. Please hold.'"

1. Jay Leno: "A woman in Taiwan who couldn't find a husband is going to marry herself. If you're going to get her a wedding gift, you can't go wrong with batteries."

The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian and granddaughter.

Page 153 - I nodded solemnly, and gave way to an unkind impulse. "Are you published yet?"

247 - Grumbling the pharmacist filled and labeled a bottle, took my money, and declared that this would not be permitted again.
Nodding weekly, I committed a criminal act in his ledger and left.

.

Tuesday, October 26

10. David Letterman: "Keith Richards  of the Rolling Stones has published his memoirs. Great stories. One time he fell off the stage and knocked himself conscious."

9. Jimmy Fallon: "AT&T had 5.2 million new iPhone customers in the 3rd quarter. They had a big party, but no reception."

8. Craig Ferguson: "I downloaded Keith Richards' new book to my Kindle, and now my Kindle has to go to rehab, where it awaits the presence of Charlie Sheen. Apparently in the book Keith says he has a secret dream of becoming a librarian. I think he just misspelled lesbian."

7. Jimmy Fallon: "The author of 'Fiddler on the Roof' died today at 98. He diddle diddle diddle died."

6. Jimmy Fallon: "TSA just installed full-body scanners at JFK, which should decrease the number of weapons that get through and increase the number of guys saying, 'It's really cold in here, right?'"

5. Jimmy Kimmel: "Amazingly enough, on 'Dancing with the Stars' Bristol Palin was neither eliminated nor impregnated. I don't know where she's getting all this support. She's already gotten more votes than her mother did."

4. Jay Leno: "Reportedly Charlie Sheen trashed his Plaza Hotel room, and police were called by a naked woman who'd locked herself in the bathroom. His alcohol level was that of two and a half men."

3. Jay Leno: "Charlie Sheen had taken his family earlier that evening to 'Mary Poppins' on Broadway, and when he called the escort service he specifically asked for a hooker who was 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.'"

2. Jay Leno: "One out of three voters are undecided, and it's a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can't get us out of this mess?"

1. David Letterman: "Madonna is opening a chain of fitness centers. Up until now, people just worked out on Madonna."

The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian and granddaughter.

Page 150 - I was halfway down the length of the table, close enough to catch his eye if not his ear, but it didn't take long to figure out who he was.
Augustus John was that most unlikely of creatures, a prosperous Bohemian -- one who had even been invited into the Royal Academy. Perhaps his nonconformist ways had even contributed to his success, for in a n artist of the Twentieth Century, outrageousness and avant-garde were to be desired -- and a man who extilled the superiority of his friends the gipsies, who kept a household of two peasant-dressed wives and their assorted barefoot children while still collecting mistresses and befriending royalty, and who went around London looking like a Canadian trapper in a velvet cloak was the very definition of nonconformist.
He was also a fine painter, which helped matters considerably.

.

Monday, October 25

10. Jimmy Kimmel: "Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested in Canada on warrants from the United States for running out on a $10,000 hotel bill and trashing a house they used to own. But the weird part is they're seeking asylum in Canada from Hollywood 'star whackers' who they think killed Heath Ledger, David Carradine and other stars and are now after them, but are too lazy to go to Canada. I think the Quaids may be a little Quaisy."

9. Craig Ferguson: "Brett Favre has more problems. He has a swollen ankle, and it turns out to be broken. Doctors want to take X-rays, but his wife won't allow any pictures below the waist. If you want to know more, be careful when you google the words 'Brett Favre' and 'swollen.' And by 'be careful' I mean 'do it, it's awesome.'"

8. David Letterman: "Big news for Catholics. There are six new saints. Their names were announced in Beverly Hills this morning by Owen Wilson & Rachel McAdams, at an event hosted by Neil Patrick Harris. Among the saints are Father Andre, Sister Mary, and, of course, Mrs. Regis Philbin."

7. David Letterman: "A woman who's tired of looking for a man, tired of her friends and family pressuring her to get married, has decided she will marry herself. She's having a ceremony, a honeymoon ... There's just got to be someone for Jennifer Aniston. When I was a sophomore in college I almost married myself."

6. Jay Leno: "Brett Favre was so upset by losing this weekend that after the game even his penis refused to pose for pictures."

5. David Letterman: "In the final game the Yankees lost 6 to 1. Even the Conan Blimp deflated."

4. Jon Stewart: For the Juan Williams story John Oliver was at NPR Headquarters, a palace to rival Versailles. "They do fund raisers 11 months a year. How much of that do you think goes into radio programs?"

3. Jimmy Fallon: "Everybody's getting their Halloween costumes ready. In fact, earlier this week I saw the Yankees pretending to be the Mets."

2. Jimmy Kimmel: "Brett Favre admitted sending voice mails of a sexual nature to a female employee at his old team, but denied sending photos of his penis, even though they came from the same number. So someone is using Brett Favre's phone to send pictures of his or her penis."

1. Jimmy Kimmel: "If Brett Favre would like to bring his penis here to compare it to the photos I would do that, to set the record straight, or slightly curved, as the case may be."

Jay Leno extra: "Police in Seattle arrested a man in a park for having sex with his own car. Would that be a carjacking?" This joke would have made it, except Jay used it once before.

The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian and granddaughter.

Page 50 - I'd thought it an oddity, but now it was a revelation: At nineteen, a year after his mother's death, Damian had definitely known who his father was. He had known of Holmes' beekeeping avocation in his so-called retirement. He had painted this as a portrait of the famous man who had, to his mind, coldly abandoned mother and child. He had painted it with the consummate skill of a man, impelled by the fury of a scorned adolescent.

52 - [Damian on Shanghai] My landlord, it turned out, was a policeman with a side business of child prostitutes. One of his girls used to sit in the courtyard playing the guitar and telling me of her dream to become a Catholic nun, once she had finished putting her older brother through university.

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Special Report: Night of Too Many Stars, an Overbooked Benefit for Autism Education. Hosted by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart: "look at the person to the right of you. Look at the person to the left of you. Both those people have the ability to do something about autism education. But only one of them has bedbugs." "Here's the woman who did for glasses what J. Lo did for .... Tina Fey!"

Tina Fey: "Those who make a premium donation will receive the '2011 Tina Fey Swimsuit Calendar.' [It was her face on a bunch of different male and female bodies.] OK, obviously that one is just my face on Justin Bieber's body, where it should be."

Jon Stewart: "For a donation of $100 you get the 'Tina Fey Calendar' plus the White Castle Scented Candle."

Ricky Gervais: "It's better to give than receive, especially in prison."

Steve Carell: "Moments that when you see them you instantly know you've seen a classic. Like Michael Jackson moonwalking, or 'Pants on the Ground.'"

Steven Colbert: "We're putting this song on iTunes, and any of the money that doesn't go to us goes to this cause." [Song about Everybody's Talking 'Bout Sully Sullenberger.]

Jim Gaffigan: "I am not that guy from 'Capote.' That is the other out-of-shape, pale, good-looking guy. I am in black, because it's easier than going to the gym. The color I really look fat in is flesh color. That's brutal on me. At the gym I feel horrible. Too many thin people. At McDonald's I feel great. You say you go to McDonald's, people think, 'I didn't know I was better than you.' They sell 600 million burgers a day. There are 300 million of us. Who goes there? You run into a friend at McDonald's, you go, 'Oh crap.' They say, 'I'm just here for the 99¢ ATM. You?' 'I'm here to meet a hooker.' McDonald's says, 'We sell burgers & fries. We never said we were a farmer's market. In fact, our spokesperson is a pedophile clown from the '70s,'"

George Clooney in profile had a real-looking but much larger nose. Then he turned around and had one enormous ear.

Steve Carell held the two female high bidders' hands and used their names while simulating an orgasm. Chris Rock got on the phone and cursed out the high bidder's ex.

Penn Jillette: "If you can't masturbate to this Tina Fey calendar you just don't know how to do it."

Sarah Silverman won the Sarah Silverman Legends of Autism Award. She kissed Leonard Maltin as she got up to accept. "The other nominees are so wonderful. I just wish there could be five of these awards so I could have one for each of my bathrooms. I have to think my agent and my manager, all those Jews who worked so pushily and so money hungrily on my behalf. Leonard, Leonard Maltin. You are my world. Thank you for being my rock. Richard Roeper cannot hold a candle to you as a film critic or an oral lover. He truly is a dead fish. This moment is for all the strong, fortunate, Caucasian girls with approachable good looks and big naturals. Girls like me, who maybe thought they'd never have the chance to get all the attention. I'd like to ask everyone now for a moment of silence. My phone is on vibrate and I lost it. Then she took a call in the middle of her acceptance speech.

John Hodgman: People donating by text got to vote on what flavor milkshake would be poured over his head. He admitted he was deathly allergic to strawberry. Strawberry won. Brian Cranston poured it over him. No allergic reaction. John: "I used some of the money to cure my allergy."

Surprise guest David Letterman strolled on-stage with a guy in a suit. "Jon, I'm terribly sorry to interrupt rehearsal, but I wanted you to meet Doug Templeton. He's the president of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences. They give out the Emmy Awards." Doug to Jon: "Everybody is tired of you and your show winning the Emmy year after year. Everybody hates you, especially Conan." Dave: "You've won eight. How many would satisfy you? Nine? Ten? A dozen?" Jon: "A dozen would be nice." Dave handed four Emmys to Jon: "Now get out of the business." Doug grabbed a cell photo of him and Jon.

Conan O'Brien: The highest bidder got to come to his studio and have Conan personally teach him/her how to become the Masturbating Bear. The bidder would also receive a DVD of the session. "The costume is made of Ed Asner's back hair." After the session two lawyers from NBC walked out and served the winner in a suit for $50 million.

Tina Fey & John Oliver auctioned off a priceless millions-of-years-old fossil signed by George Clooney in the winner's presence.

Lewis Black: He told how he was following country star Vince Gill, who was wonderful, and ended with a story about his wonderful dead dad. "And as I stood offstage I had only one thought. 'I don't have enough time to go home and kill mine.'" Then Vince's wonderful wife Amy came out and they kissed and she sang. "Who booked these acts? Who said, 'Hey, why don't we get two wonderful Christians, exuding joy and love on a level that is staggering, and then say, 'Now, let's hear what the miserable, aging, Jewish prick has to say.'"

Jason Alexander and Lauren Graham auctioned off items such as the Declaration of Independence signed by one of the founding fathers, Stephen Colbert. They also auctioned off Sarah Palin's book "Going Rogue," signed by Tina Fey.

Jimmy Kimmel auctioned off a $4 Milwaukee Brewers manager Doug Melvin bobble-head doll signed by a whole slew of celebrities including Clint Eastwood, plus Doug Melvin himself, also signed by the celebrities.

Chris Rock & Tracey Morgan came out as Simon & Garfunkel and sang "Scarborough Fair." Paul Simon walked out and tried to give them singing tips, but they cursed him out. He came back out and instructed them. They added AutoTune, and Paul started rapping.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: "I'm here for other celebrity charities, like the Larry King Center for Smoother Testicles, the Woody Harrelson March of Dime Bags, the Initiative to allow 'Glee' Fans to Serve Openly in the Military, Heidi Montag's Charity: Doctors Without Boundaries, Justin Bieber Stop Puberty Now Foundation, The Kim Kardashian What Exactly Do I Do Research Initiative, the Snooki Anti-Anti-Italian Defamation League, and the Institute for Cher-Induced Erectile Disfunction,"

Jimmy Fallon: "Our next sponsor's name is the last thing you see before you or someone you love pulls down your underwear. Please welcome Tommy Hilfiger." Then Jimmy sang The Who's "Tommy."

Texting donors got to vote whether they'd get to see Marissa Miller in a bathing suit or a naked Andy Richter. Andy Richter got 82% of the vote, but instead of a flash, the photo was up for a couple minutes. Then it turns out the vote was 82% Marissa.

Joel McHale: "I have a 5- and a 2-year old. They're twins."

Friday, October 22
(All 8 shows in reruns)

Thursday, October 21
(All but Handler & Kimmel in reruns)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: "This morning was the Great California Shakeout, our annual earthquake drill. Did you know if you're trapped under a falling girder you're supposed to yell, 'Help, I'm trapped under a girder?' You learn a lot in these drills."

9. Jimmy Kimmel: "In Syria a 5-year-old boy and a 3-year-old girl are engaged. It's his second marriage, her first. This is crazy. He's almost twice her age."

8. Jimmy Kimmel: "Tonight was the season finale of 'Jersey Shore.'" Jimmy showed clips of them yelling at each other. "Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye.

7. Jimmy Kimmel: "The finale of 'Jersey Shore' was touching. J. Woww had sold her breast implants to buy The Situation a muscle shirt, but he'd already sold his abs to buy her a support bra."

6. Jimmy Kimmel: "Rod Stewart and Clint Eastwood are here. They've been working on a duet: 'Have I Told You Lately I Feel Lucky, Punk?'"

5. Chelsea Handler: "North Poled: Gay Penguins Can't Stay Together. Penguins form gay relationships, but they don't last very long." Guy Branum: "They talk about these gay penguins being in relationships and adopting eggs. Why is Antarctica more liberal than Florida?"

4. Chelsea Handler: Jeff Wild: "The nice thing with gay penguins is there are no mix-ups. If you're from the North Pole you're a top ..."

3. Jimmy Kimmel showed a clip of Deanna Favre saying she was handling her husband Brett's escapades through faith. "Faith, by the way, is the name of her divorce attorney."

2. Jimmy Kimmel: "Brett Favre's wife Deanna has written a book and is out promoting it. If she really wanted to promote it she should have put an ad on her husband's penis, because it's getting a lot of exposure these days."

1. Chelsea Handler: "Baby on Snowboard: Alpine ski racer Picabo Street was spokesperson for this birth control method where they put something in your Fallopian tubes, and then she became pregnant." Jeff Wild: "I hope they name the kid Iseeyou, because it would be Picabo, Iseeyou."

Bo Burnham Comedy Central Special "Words Words Words"

"The average person has one Fallopian tube."

"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names."


Wednesday, October 20
(All but Handler & Kimmel in reruns)

10. Jimmy Kimmel:"Reporters spread out all over the city to say, 'Yes, it's raining here too, Tom.'"

9. Chelsea Handler:  "Michael Lohan held a press conference to say he won't hold any more press conferences."

8. Jimmy Kimmel: "Our next guest has probably had more books on the best seller list than any other Playmate of the Year ever. Her new book is called 'Love, Lust & Faking It.' Here's Jenny McCarthy."

7. Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama is going to India, and they've canceled a visit to a Sikh temple, because he'd have to wear a turban, and that might make him look like a Muslim, even though Muslim's don't wear turbans, but we're dumb. That's also why he canceled Turban Tuesdays in the Rose Garden. Obama should do what Bush used to do. Everywhere he went there was a beer hat on his head. Problem solved."

6. Jimmy Kimmel:  "A Republican operative in Nevada tried to buy air time to urge Latinos not to vote. The Democrats fired back with an ad urging Latinos to vote twice."

5. Chelsea Handler: "Beyonce Pregnant: All the Single Babies."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: "TLC has released footage from 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' and the Palin family happens upon a family of bears." Jimmy showed a clip of the two families shooting each other with automatic weapons and bazookas. "The 2nd Amendment is the right to arm bears, right?"

3. "California Gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman sent out a tweet announcing her endorsement by a law enforcement group, but when you click on the link you get a Korean transvestite bass player. It's been 24 hours, and they still haven't fixed the link. You can't expect the former CEO of eBay to know how to work a web site, can you?"

2. Jimmy Kimmel: "It's rained in L.A. for a record two days. For car wash workers it represents thousands of dollars in lost ashtray change."

1. Chelsea Handler: Starbucks has ordered its baristas to make no more than 2 drinks at a time so it's not an assembly line. "Starbucks Takes Its Time: Expresslow."

Bo Burnham Comedy Central Special "Words Words Words"

"Approximately 33.33% of the Jonas Brothers have diabetes."

"1 out of 44 U.S. Presidents can dunk."

X

Tuesday, October 19
(All but Handler & Kimmel in reruns)

10. (See #s 8 & 9)  Jimmy Kimmel showed an ad for "No Way," a program about Christine O'Donnell's "amazing journey to discover things most people learn in second grade, right after 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' right here on TLC."

9. Jimmy Kimmel: "Christine O'Donnell, the anti-masturbation dabbler in witchcraft candidate says she'll follow the Constitution. Perhaps she should read it first." Jimmy showed a clip of her asking her opponent where in the Constitution it says there should be a separation of church and state. Jimmy: "They're doing the classic comedy routine, 'Who's on the First Amendment?'"

8. (See #9) Jimmy Kimmel: "Evidently they don't teach the Constitution at Hogwarts."

7. Jimmy Kimmel: "One of the Chilean miners was on TV today and said he wrote two letters, just in case, which he left down below. The interviewer asked what was in the letters." Jimmy showed a clip of the miner speaking, with the English translator saying, "Dear Crate & Barrel: I ordered a salad spinner from you guys more than two weeks ago. The order number was ..." Jimmy: "It sounds funny, but can you imagine how dirty his salads were down there?"

6. Jimmy Kimmel: "Wrangler Jeans has commercials with Brett Favre, but he's even affected the commercials he's not in." Jimmy showed a commercial where the announcer says Wrangler Jeans are "loose enough to get a camera down the front." (Favre sent photos of his penis to a woman.)

5. Jimmy Kimmel:  "The doctor who put embryos in the Octomom is being investigated, and it came out that she still has 29 frozen embryos left, almost one for each Chilean miner. It may be time for Obama to build a border fence around her uterus."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: "In Kansas City a 300-pound chimp named Sue got loose from a private owner. Who keeps a 300-pound chimp in their house? Have we learned nothing from the Oprah show?"

3. Chelsea Handler: "It's our 600th episode. When we started, Chaz Bono was Chastity Bono, a woman who did not like men inside her. Now we know why. She already had a man inside of her."

2. (See #1) Jimmy Kimmel showed a clip of Sarah Palin in the 'DWTS' audience with a hunting rifle shooting the male gorilla. "You can't dangle a carrot like that in front of Sarah Palin and expect not to get shot."

1. Jimmy Kimmel: "Last night on 'Dancing with the Stars' Bristol Palin and her partner came out in gorilla costumes, the closest anyone in the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution."

Bo Burnham Comedy Central Special "Words Words Words"

"Shakespeare: 'What light through yonder beaver breaks? It is the yeast.'"

"I saw a rainbow on the day my grandmother died. F#%king lesbian."

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Monday, October 18
(All but Handler & Kimmel in reruns)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: "This other Chilean miner Victor wrote a poem to his wife every day. To make the other guys look bad, I think. 'I couldn't write you, honey. Victor had the only pen.'"

9. Jimmy Kimmel:  "'Dancing with the Stars' is so popular ABC is coming out with 'Skating with the Stars.' If we get to see Vanilla Ice on ice I'll die happy."

8. Chelsea Handler: "'The Enquirer' had a story of Oprah and Gayle going camping together, with the headline 'BFFs Share Brokeback Getaway.'" Ben Gleib: "They're implying they're gay, but maybe two best friends just wanted to go to a quiet place where they could go fishing for tuna."

7. Jimmy Kimmel: "TLC has a new reality show 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' Sarah says, 'I'd rather be out here than in some stuffy old political office,' so let's remember that in 2012."

6. Jimmy Kimmel guest Aasif Mandvi: "My parents forced me to be an actor. I wanted to be a doctor."

5. Jimmy Kimmel: "Lamar Odom and Chloe Kardashian are launching a perfume. May I be so bold as to suggest they call it Lardash?"

4. Chelsea Handler guest Johnny Knoxville on "Jackass 3-D:" "With these giant 3-D cameras, if somebody passed out 500 yards away, we couldn't get over to do something awful to them, and that was a concern."

3. Chelsea Handler: "RadarOnline.com has reported that the Chelsea Handler sex tape distribution has been stopped, so the general public won't see it. Which is because there never was a sex tape. Do I look that stupid? Still, I'd really like to see it."

2. Jimmy Kimmel: "Although the Chilean miners had offers from many studios to tell their stories they decided to do a remake of 'Saturday Night Fever' instead."

1. Jimmy Kimmel showed a clip of Chilean miner Victor reading a poem from underground: "I spend my days hoping. I spend my nights crying. We don't have a bathroom. My poor nose is dying." Jimmy: "He's like Miner Anjelou down there."

Bo Burnham Comedy Central Special "Words Words Words"

"Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake love."

"I'm a Leo and I loved 'Titanic.'"

'Where are all the Sour Patch parents?"

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Friday, October 15
(Stewart & Colbert off, Handler & Kimmel in reruns)

10. Craig Ferguson: "'Jackass 3-D' has Johnny Knoxville and that midget who always runs around in his underpants. What's his name? Tom Cruise."

9. Jimmy Fallon: "Victoria's Secret model Merissa Miller has been chosen as the new spokesperson for the NFL. Brett Favre has already texted her a welcome package."

8. Jay Leno: "You had these guys sitting in a black hole for three months, doing nothing. It's like Congress."

7. Jay Leno: "My favorite part of this rescue, you know the guy with the wife and the mistress? Today he said he wants them to meet and become friends. Guys never know when to shut up. You just got out of one hole. You're digging yourself another."

6. David Letterman guest Amy Sedaris: "I saw this ad for a house, and it said it had 'two French doors leading to a large dick for entertainment.'"

5. David Letterman: "Today 'Jackass 3-D' opened. Is it Oscar season already? It's the life story of gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, adapted from a short story by Somerset Maugham."

4. Craig Ferguson: "Not a good day for two guys in England who were caught running an illegal sperm bank in their basement. The police kicked in the door and yelled, 'Hands up!' and the guy said, 'Just one more second!'"

3. Jimmy Fallon: "One of the 33 Chilean miners said they joked about cannibalism while they were down there. 'If you don't believe me ask the 34th guy. Oops. What do you mean, what's this extra pair of sunglasses?'"

2. Jimmy Fallon: "Barbara Walters has made her list of 2010's Most Fascinating People and included the cast of 'The Jersey Shore.' People left off the list called it a major insult, and people on the list called it a major insult."

1. Jay Leno: "Today down in Chile, a huge outbreak of sex with miners."

Thursday, October 14

10. Jay Leno: "A Saudi Arabian Prince is on trial for murdering his manservant. And if he's found guilty his wife will be stoned to death."

9. Jay Leno: "Carl Paladino, that New York candidate who said all those horrible anti-gay things, turns out to own two buildings that house gay nightclubs. So I guess when it comes to making money his attitude is don't ask, don't tell."

8. Jay Leno: "Chile endured waiting for 69 days with nothing happening. It was like soccer."

7. David Letterman: "Thirty-three miners. There haven't been this many guys rescued since ... well, remember when Madonna's bed collapsed?"

6. Jimmy Kimmel: "Today the miners were able to update their Facebook status to 'Not trapped in a mine.' "

5. Craig Ferguson: "Today sexting quarterback Brett Favre was nailed in the groin by a football. Somebody's going to need make-up for the next photo shoot."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy Kimmel: "Fox News has started a new network Fox News Latino, with the stories in Spanish and the anchors in bumblebee costumes. It seems to me if they want to attract Latino viewers on the one network they should probably quit telling them to leave the country on the other."

3. Jay Leno:  "They had the final debate in the California governor's race. In case you missed it, it went , 'Whore!' 'Jerk!' 'Bitch!' 'Old man!' 'Slut!' 'Loser!.'"

2. David Letterman: "One man's wife found out he had a mistress, while he was a half-mile underground. And isn't that where you want to be at a time like that?"

1. Jay Leno: "All 33 miners were sent to the hospital for observation, except for that one guy with the mistress. He went straight to the witness protection program."

Wednesday, October 13

10. Jay Leno: "Meg Whitman, a white woman from back East wants to replace an Austrian governor and is putting out ads in Mandarin and Cantonese to explain why she fired a Mexican maid."

9. David Letterman: "All 33 miners come out and then Punxsutawney Phil."

8. Stephen Colbert:  "We've been helping Chile since 1973 when we assassinated their President."

7. Jon Stewart: "Chile: Jon Stewart Wraps His Head Around a Miner's Shaft:" Jon: "I thought you were going to clear these headlines with me." Olivia Munn was Senior Mineral Extraction Analyst: 

6. David Letterman: "These guys are having to be gradually reintroduced to sunlight, and a few of them have to be gradually reintroduced to marriage."

5. Jay Leno: "That miner who had the wife and the mistress was #21 out, and his wife didn't come to meet him. His clothes and belongings were there."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: "Christine O'Donnell, the witch, is 18 points behind in the polls. Most people in Delaware say they prefer either the Lion or the Wardrobe."

3. Jimmy Fallon: "Pope Benedict announced the Catholic Church is going to be using more social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook. Yeah, that's what we need, more priests poking people."

2. Jimmy Fallon: "People all over the world have been glued to their sets hoping this disaster would have a happy ending, and it did. The Situation was voted off 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

1. David Letterman: "BP today successfully capped the shaft to prevent any more miners from getting out."

Tuesday, October 12

10. David Letterman: "The Chilean miners will be the highest number of people trapped in a small space since the Octomom pregnancy."

9. Jon Stewart:  "Kim Jong Un's cheeks aren't chubby. He's storing up evil for the winter. Is this really the best look for a leader of a famine-plagued country?

8. Craig Ferguson: "Brett Favre is still claiming it's not his penis in those pictures, but I think it is. Not for the reason you're thinking. It's because in one photo the penis is throwing an interception."

7. Chelsea Handler: "The gays on 'The A-List' go to a gym called Boot Camp. It makes perfect sense, though it gives a whole new meaning to the term drill sergeant. I hear when it's over they all get in the showers and give each other honorable discharges."

6. Jay Leno:  "A Hong Kong McDonald's will now plan, cater and hold your wedding in their restaurant. The honeymoon? That's at In-N-Out."

5. Jay Leno: "Google has a car that can drive itself. Is this a good idea? You thought it was bad when your computer crashed."

4. Jimmy Fallon: "There's talk of turning the whole Chilean miner story into a movie. When Roman Polanski heard about it he said, 'You had me at "minors."'"

3. Jay Leno:  "A lawyer is suing his old firm because his boss pressured him into attending a male retreat where all the guys sat around naked, passed around a sexual device and discussed their sexual histories. Or as we call it on 'The Tonight Show,' band practice."

2. Stephen Colbert: "If you want to become an American citizen, do it the legal way. At least have your grandmother place a fake birth announcement in an Hawaiian newspaper."

1. David Letterman:  "People are accusing The Situation on 'Jersey Shore' of using steroids. He says no, no, but he does work out a couple of hours a day on a stationery Snooki."

Monday, October 11

10. David Letterman: "The last Chilean miner out will get the record for the human who's been buried the longest. It's like the New York Mets."

9. Craig Ferguson: "Happy Columbus Day, when we pay tribute to central Ohio's most exciting city. I spent Columbus Day doing something Christopher would have approved of, taking money from a Spanish queen. Call me, Rafael."

8. Jimmy Fallon: "For Columbus Day I got one of those memory foam mattresses that molds to the shape of your bedbugs."

7. Jimmy Kimmel: "It's National Coming Out Day. George Micheal was released from prison today on his DUI conviction, so it was double Coming Out Day for him."

6. Jay Leno: "Americans don't walk as much as people in other countries. We don't have to. There's a McDonald's or Burger King on every corner."

5. Jay Leno: "Columbus Day is the perfect American holiday. An Italian borrowed money from Spain and found a country that was taken over by the English and became home to all the Spanish speaking people in the world."

4. David Letterman: "The Nobel Prize in Fiction went out today to Christine O'Donnell's resume. The Nobel Prize for Economics went to Tiger Woods' wife."

3. David Letterman: "They caught the guy who streaked in front of the President, and he's going to have to spend the rest of 1974 in jail."

2. Jay Leno: "Evidently Brett Favre sent pictures of his genitals to a female reporter, but you cannot convict a man on circumcision evidence."

1. Jimmy Kimmel: "It's Canadian Thanksgiving, the day Canadians gather together and thank God that Celine Dion moved to Las Vegas."

Friday, October 8
(Stewart & Colbert off, Kimmel & Handler in reruns)

10. David Letterman:  "That Rick Sanchez. He's a guy you never heard of, and now he's gone."

9. Craig Ferguson: "The 'Secretariat' movie is directed by the guy who wrote 'Braveheart,' so he's had experience working with animals ... Oh yeah, ooh me. Like I'm the one driving drunk on the Pacific Coast Highway. It's me that's the drunken anti-Semite."

8. Craig Ferguson: "There'll be a debate in Delaware next week between the anti-masturbation witch candidate and her opponent. She must be very nervous. If there were only some way to release all that tension."

7. Jay Leno:  "There are allegations that Lou Dobbs, Mr. Anti-Immigration, had illegal aliens working for him. The good news, now he's qualified to run for governor of California. Dobbs says he never hired any illegal workers, so it looks like we have a Mexican standoff."

6. Jay Leno showed a Democratic candidate saying he's afraid Guam will become so overpopulated it will tip over, and then Republican Christine O'Donnell saying lust is a sin and you can't masturbate without lust. "And don't masturbate on Guam, or the island will tip over."

5. David Letterman: Top 10 Things You Don't Know About Kim Jong Un: 7. Throws left, tortures right.

4. David Letterman:  "Even Lindsay Lohan has baseball playoff fever. She's high and inside."

3. Jay Leno: "Would you watch a Tiger Woods sex tape? Unlike his golf game, you'd get to see Tiger finish first."

2. Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama has decided not to sign a bill that would make it more difficult for homeowners to fight foreclosure. Why is Obama suddenly so sensitive to people being kicked out of their house? Oh yeah. Sorry."

1. Craig Ferguson: "The race horse Secretariat got his own postage stamp in 1999, and, coincidentally, he was also the glue on the back."

Thursday, October 7
(Kimmel and Handler in reruns)

10. Jimmy Fallon: "A Barbie doll with a one-carat diamond necklace is expected to sell at auction for $500,000. But that's as high as I'm going."

9. David Letterman: "'Forbes' has the list of Most Powerful Women. Number 7 was Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady. Number 16 was Sarah Palin. Number 15 was Tina Fey as Sarah Palin."

8. David Letterman: Top 10 Signs You'll Never Win a Nobel Prize. 10. You've named your abdominal muscles. 8. You had to clarify your past by saying, "I'm not a witch."

7. David Letterman guest Stephen Colbert on his testimony before a Senate subcommittee: "When I saw how intimidating the room was, I was ready to admit I was on steroids."

6. Craig Ferguson: "The Nobel Prize for Literature went to Mario Vargas Llosa. That's super, Mario. He's from Peru, so today they had a big celebration on Lake Titicaca, went around in motorboats. If you fell out you did the breast stroke. Where's the Nobel Prize for Innuendo?" Robot skeleton Geoff Peterson: "In your pants."

5. Jimmy Fallon: "The C Train was rated the worst subway in New York City. On the plus side, it was also rated the best bathroom."

4. Jay Leno: "Comedian Ralphie May was arrested in the Guam airport for possessing a small amount of marijuana. You know how he got caught? He walked up to the drug-sniffing dog and started petting him."

3. David Letterman: "Bo, the White House dog, turned 2 today. The difference between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog."

2. David Letterman: "I call this cab driver weather. Very little chance of a shower."

1. Craig Ferguson: "Only one American has won the Nobel Prize for Literature in the last 20 years, but that'll change next year, because Snooki's book is coming out."

10. Jimmy Fallon: "Michael Bolton is working on a new song about being humiliated last week on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The song is called 'Making It Worse.'"

9. David Letterman:  "President Obama was giving a speech, and the Presidential Seal on the podium fell off. But you know what they found behind it? His birth certificate."

8. Jon Stewart: "Our D.C. Rally to Restore Sanity is far enough away from Ground Zero, 206 miles, for us to have Aasif Mandvi with us."

7. Jay Leno:  "There's a new terror alert. The government is warning us not to look at our bank statements."

6. Jimmy Fallon: "A man in Oregon set his boss's car on fire because he was about to get fired. If he sets things on fire when he gets fired, I don't want to see him when he gets dumped."

5. "A 25-year-old man stopped for speeding in Florida denied ownership of a bag of crack cocaine found between his buttocks. What kind of cop does a cavity search for a speeding ticket? 'You going 45 in a 40? All right, drop 'em, son.'"

4. Craig Ferguson: "It was so wet today Jay Leno stabbed Conan in the back with a snorkel."

3. Craig Ferguson: "I don't want chemicals to improve my mood. I want to be cheered up the old fashioned way, by other people's misfortune."

2. David Letterman: "Hillary Clinton is a very powerful woman, and people are afraid of her. You know what they call her? Kim Jong Hill."

1. Jay Leno: "Linguists have discovered a new language that's understood by only a thousand people in India. The language is called Tech Support."

Tuesday, October 5
(Kimmel in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: "A man in Dallas was found dead inside a porn booth in an adult book store. I know it sounds bad, but how many of us will get to die doing something we really love?"

9. David Letterman: "In his latest tape Osama bin Laden threatens a monster jihad against the U.S. unless we release Lindsay Lohan."

8. David Letterman: "The Mets fired their manager. Evidently he said something unkind about Jon Stewart." [Rick Sanchez was fired from CNN for calling Jon Stewart a bigot and saying Jews run the media.]

7. Jay Leno: "Delaware Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell has a new campaign ad, 'I am not a witch,' and Nancy Pelosi is furious. 'Hey, that's my campaign slogan.'"

6. Jimmy Fallon: "Christine O'Donnell has a new campaign ad that says, 'I am not a witch.' It's not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I am not Christine O'Donnell.'"

5. Craig Ferguson: "Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is against masturbation and she's dabbled in witchcraft. Now she has a new ad saying, 'I am not a witch. I'm you." Well if she's me, I'm not voting for her because I'm crazy. Besides, if she's me, she masturbates constantly."

4. Jimmy Fallon: "Susan Boyle had to cancel her performance of 'Hallelujah' on 'Glee' because of a throat infection. But between you and me, I heard hair ball."

3. Jay Leno:  "Chelsea Handler is dating 50 Cent. I knew Chelsea was wild, but I never thought she'd put out for 50 Cents."

2. Jay Leno: "One of Tiger's mistresses says she's sold a sex tape. I'd like to see it. Watching his golf videos really improved my game, so ..."

1. David Letterman: "Two scientists won the Nobel Prize for creating the thinnest material in the world. As a matter of fact, I think they write for this show."

Monday, October 4
(Kimmel in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: “This is now the longest recession since the Great Depression. When this recession started, Lindsay Lohan was known for her acting. It’s been that long. Pet food companies, though, are making record profits, because that’s all anyone can afford to eat now. The bank called. My CD rolled over … and died. NBC’s latest show is ‘Law & Order IOU."

9. David Letterman: “Rahm Emanuel is leaving the White House to run for Mayor of Chicago, but who can fill this important post? Well, America, you voted, and it’s Betty White.”

8. Jimmy Fallon: “Hewlett-Packard’s new CEO just signed a 3-year deal for $50 million. Sounds great now, but wait until he finds out how much the ink cartridges cost.”

7. David Letterman: "President Obama's desperately trying to energize voters. Today he was wearing a suit made of meat."

6. Jay Leno: “A 25-y-o man in Florida arrested for speeding said the crack cocaine found in his butt was not his. The marijuana was his, but the cocaine belonged to a friend. That’s a good friend. I don’t let my friends store stuff in my garage.”

5.
Craig Ferguson: "I tweeted that I was sick, and people sent me their remedies. One guy said I should hook my nuts up to a car battery, and I tried it. So thank you, jfallon."

4. Craig Ferguson: “They say the #1 place you can pick up an infection is doorknobs. That’s why I always lick them clean before I touch them.”

3. Jimmy Fallon: “A man won an election in Brazil, and he’s an illiterate clown. I tried to tell someone an illiterate clown could be elected in America too, but they totally refudiated me.”

2. Jay Leno:
"'The Social Contract' is a good movie. It touched all my emotions: LOL, OMG, WTF ...:

1. David Letterman: "This morning I let the dog out into the backyard. President Obama was out there talking about the economy."

Friday, October 1
(Stewart &Colbert off, Handler & Kimmel in reruns)

10. Jimmy Fallon: "Mel Gibson's girlfriend has been awarded an extra $15,000 a month in child support. When asked how he felt, Mel said, 'See the internet.'"

9. Jay Leno: "'The Social Network' opens today. It's the true story of how a young man became a billionaire by revolutionizing the way we waste time at work."

8. Jimmy Fallon: "Apple CEO Steve Jobs is moving into a new $8.4 million mansion. He'll move out 6 months later to move into a $10 million mansion with a built-in camera."

7. Jimmy Fallon: "Rahm Emanuel is leaving the White House to run for Mayor of Chicago. He says it isn't easy saying goodbye to President Obama. Voters say, 'Oh, it's easier than you think.'"

6. David Letterman: "People are always saying to me, 'Conan, what's the next big thing in fashion?'"

5. David Letterman: "15 years ago O.J. Simpson was acquitted of murder. I think we all remember where we were 15 years ago when we said, 'You're kidding!'"

4. Jay Leno: "Astronomers have found a new black hole in our galaxy. It's called the Treasury Department."

3. Craig Ferguson: "If this penis recognition software detects a flesh-colored object of a certain shape, it'll disconnect. But I got around it. I put a little wig on mine, and the program thinks it's Donald Trump. 'Who's that strange-looking guy with Donald Trump sitting on his lap?'"

2. Jay Leno: "A man in Houston was found dead in a locked video booth in an adult bookstore. Police think he died from a series of strokes."

1. David Letterman: "In France thieves have invented a high-powered vacuum that sucks the cash right out of an ATM machine. Here we call that an ex-wife."

October Strangies

Friday, October 1 Strangie to David Letterman: "In France thieves have invented a high-powered vacuum that sucks the cash right out of an ATM machine. Here we call that an ex-wife."

Monday, October 4 Strangie to David Letterman: "This morning I let the dog out into the backyard. President Obama was out there talking about the economy."

Tuesday, October 5 Strangie to
David Letterman: "Two scientists won the Nobel Prize for creating the thinnest material in the world. As a matter of fact, I think they write for this show."

Wednesday, October 6 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Linguists have discovered a new language that's understood by only a thousand people in India. The language is called Tech Support."

Thursday, October 7 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Only one American has won the Nobel Prize for Literature in the last 20 years, but that'll change next year, because Snooki's book is coming out."

Friday, October 8 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "The race horse Secretariat got his own postage stamp in 1999, and, coincidentally, he was also the glue on the back."

Monday, October 11 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "It's Canadian Thanksgiving, the day Canadians gather together and thank God that Celine Dion moved to Las Vegas."

Tuesday, October 12 Strangie to
David Letterman:  "People are accusing The Situation on 'Jersey Shore' of using steroids. He says no, no, but he does work out a couple of hours a day on a stationery Snooki."

Wednesday, October 13 Strangie to
David Letterman: "BP today successfully capped the shaft to prevent any more miners from getting out."

Thursday, October 14 Strangie to
Jay Leno: "All 33 miners were sent to the hospital for observation, except for that one guy with the mistress. He went straight to the witness protection program."

Friday, October 15 Strangie to
Jay Leno: "Today down in Chile, a huge outbreak of sex with miners."

Monday, October 18 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel, who showed a clip of Chilean miner Victor reading a poem from underground: "I spend my days hoping. I spend my nights crying. We don't have a bathroom. My poor nose is dying." Jimmy: "He's like Miner Anjelou down there."

Tuesday, October 19 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Last night on 'Dancing with the Stars' Bristol Palin and her partner came out in gorilla costumes, the closest anyone in the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution."

Wednesday, October 20 Strangie to
Chelsea Handler: Starbucks has ordered its baristas to make no more than 2 drinks at a time so it's not an assembly line. "Starbucks Takes Its Time: Expresslow."

Thursday, October 21 Strangie to Chelsea Handler: "Baby on Snowboard: Alpine ski racer Picabo Street was spokesperson for this birth control method where they put something in your Fallopian tubes, and then she became pregnant." Jeff Wild: "I hope they name the kid Iseeyou, because it would be Picabo, Iseeyou."

Friday, October 22: All shows in reruns.

Monday, October 25, Strangie to
Jimmy Kimmel: "If Brett Favre would like to bring his penis here to compare it to the photos I would do that, to set the record straight, or slightly curved, as the case may be."

Tuesday, October 26 Strangie to David Letterman: "Madonna is opening a chain of fitness centers. Up until now, people just worked out on Madonna."

Wednesday, October 27 Strangie to
Jay Leno: "A woman in Taiwan who couldn't find a husband is going to marry herself. If you're going to get her a wedding gift, you can't go wrong with batteries."

Thursday, October 28 Strangie to
Craig Ferguson: "I don't like those 3-D glasses. You don't know how many people have had them on their faces before you. They're like Kardashians."

Friday, October 29 Strangie to
Jay Leno: "The Giants crushed the Rangers last night, nine to nothing. The Ranger pitching was not good. They let more guys walk than an L.A. jury."

For each day's funniest zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

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