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America's Late-Night-TV Zingers, October 2009

Created by teams of top-dollar zingersmiths, delivered by hosts making tens of $millions

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim

October wins: Leno 7, O'Brien 6, Letterman 3, Fallon 3, Kimmel 2, Ferguson 1

Friday, October 30winner: Jimmy Falon: "The health care bill is two thousand pages, and the plan will cost several trillion dollars. It's the costliest government publication per word since 'Mission Accomplished.'"

 

Thursday, October 1 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "Sarah Palin's book is already #1 on Amazon. And people who bought this book also bought 'no other book in their lives.' It's also #1 on Barnes & Noble, and it would be #1 at Borders, but she had them closed."

Friday, October 2 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "Oprah failed to get the 2016 Olympics in Chicago. If Stedman shows up bruised tomorrow, don't say anything."

Monday, October 5 winner: David Letterman: "I got in the car this morning, and the navigation lady wasn't speaking to me."

Tuesday, October 6 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Scientists have found the chemical that leads to female aggressive behavior. That chemical? White wine."

Wednesday, October 7 winner: Jay Leno hit his head doing a stunt. "I just did a Conan. I'd rather have done a Letterman."

Thursday, October 8 winner: Jay Leno: "The rules for businesses have changed. Now it's sexual harassment if you just ask, 'Who's on Letterman tonight?'"

Friday, October 9 winner: David Letterman: "Welcome to 'The Late Show.' Are you sure you want to be seen with me?"

Monday, October 12 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "The Pope today named five new saints, but some are questioning whether Obama really deserved it."

Tuesday, October 13 winner: Conan O'Brien: "The Nobel Committee said they awarded Barack Obama the Peace Prize for reducing tension in the world. The runner-ups were red wine and a massage chair."

Wednesday, October 14 winner: Conan O'Brien Celebrity Survey: My favorite clothing store is ... Lady Gaga: "The dumpster behind NASA."

Thursday, October 15 winner: David Letterman: Top Ten Bernie Madoff Observations About Prison: 5. "The guards watch you like a hawk, unlike the SEC."

Friday, October 16 winner: Craig Ferguson: "The horror movie 'Stepfather' opens this weekend. Most stepfathers are fine, though. Except Woody Allen. What? Too soon? Too Soon-Yi?"

"Saturday Night Live," October 17: Seth Meyers: "Gays will be happy to learn that Don't Ask, Don't Tell is being replaced by Truth or Dare."

Monday, October 19 winner: Jay Leno Headlines: News story about a woman who went skydiving on her 92nd birthday: "She says she doesn't remember jumping out of the plane."

Tuesday, October 20 winner: Jay Leno: "President Obama will be sending in another 45,000 troops to fight Fox News."

Wednesday, October 21 winner: Jay Leno: "A woman lived a week in an apartment with her dead boyfriend. She realized he was dead when she finally finished, 'And that was my day. How was your day?'"

Thursday, October 22 winner: Jay Leno: "Hollywood actresses identify with Amelia Earhart, who disappeared at 40. The original title of the movie was 'Descent of a Woman.'"

Friday, October 23 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "Senator Harry Reid sent up a trial balloon on a public option for health care. Unfortunately the balloon had a kid in it."

Monday, October 26 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Lawrence is the most expensive college in the country. No one ever said turning your daughter into a lesbian was going to be cheap."

Tuesday, October 27 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin's baby daddy, says if Sarah Palin doesn't stop saying bad things about him he'll start leaking dirt about her. And leaking things is what he's really good at."

Wednesday, October 28 winner: Conan O'Brien: "A woman offered to have sex for World Series tickets. The exact offer was 'third base or better for third base or better.'"

Thursday, October 29 winner: Jay Leno: "A 66-year-old deputy attorney general was caught in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, sex tapes and Viagra. Well, we all grieve in our own way."

Friday, October 30winner: Jimmy Falon: "The health care bill is two thousand pages, and the plan will cost several trillion dollars. It's the costliest government publication per word since 'Mission Accomplished.'"

Thursday, October 1

David Letterman: Dave told how he was being blackmailed for $2,000,000, went to the district attorney, and had just appeared before the grand jury. The blackmailer has been arrested. The dirt? Dave slept with several women on his staff. Best news Sarah Palin has had in years. Watch it on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhmKZb-ZvRs

Monologue for 9/30 which wasn't on the CBS site yesterday. Oct. 1 isn't on the site today: "Tonight on our show Madonna will adopt an audience member. I always get excited when Madonna's on the show. It'll be interesting to see if the old bypass holds up." "You can tell it's fall in New York City. Parts of Regis change color and fall off." "New York has such a big skunk problem that they're bringing in Sarah Palin to thin the herd. I got an advance copy of Sarah Palin's memoir, and this time I was the one who quit halfway through. People in Alaska are already calling it the book to nowhere. Sarah will be at Barnes & Noble this fall for a book shooting. The book has beautiful color photos of Russia she took from her front porch, and in the back is a complete index of all my apologies. The title of the book is 'Going Rogue,' not to be confused with John McCain's book 'Going ... Where Was I Going?'
Top Ten Things Overheard At China's 60th Anniversary Celebration: 10. "So Communism is 20 years younger than Cher?" 8. "Let's take attendance to make sure all 1.3 billion people are here." 7. "Wow, Regis will attend anything." 6. "Why do I always get stuck sitting behind Yao Ming at these things?" 5. "Great! Letterman videotaped a special Top Ten list for us" 3. "And now, President Hu Jintao will be roasted by the one and only Gilbert Gottfried" 2. "Any more of those 'pandas in a blanket' appetizers?" 1. "Make sure we're home in time for Leno."

Jay Leno: "A study shows people are actually healthier in a bad economy, for which President Bush says, 'You're welcome, America.'" "Comcast may buy NBC. I thought Cash for Clunkers was over." "It turns out digital rectal massage doesn't cure hiccups. It does stop you biting your fingernails." "Now that Arizona is allowing guns in bars they think it'll cut down on robberies, fights, and, hopefully, karaoke." "No one wants sex offenders in their neighborhoods, so Georgia is housing them in tents in the woods. Boy, you thought that survival merit badge was tough before!" "The deadly venom in a certain type of spider bite turns out to have the same effect as Viagra. Can't you see the guy who discovered that? 'Ouch! Whoa!'" "Sarah Palin's book doesn't come out until November, but it's already #1 on Amazon. And it says, 'People who bought this book also bought 'Bridge to Nowhere.'"

Jon Stewart: "Barack and Michelle Obama and Oprah are all out of the country, so the most powerful black person in America is now Tyler Perry."

Conan O'Brien: "NBC may be bought by Comcast. No word on what's in it for Comcast." "I made a joke about Newark this week, so the Mayor of Newark has banned me from the airport. Why didn't I make that joke fifteen years ago?" "Scientists have discovered a 4.4-million-year-old skeleton they've named Ardi, though Larry King says her name was Jan." "Toy makers are making cut-rate inferior versions of their toys. Worst is Do-Whatever-You-Want-To-Me-for-an-Hour Elmo." "Police are dispersing crowds with earsplitting noise. It's just a DVD of the first season of 'The Nanny.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Michael Vick's agent said he has an endorsement deal with Nike, but Nike has denied it. They couldn't make a deal anyway until they check that it doesn't conflict with his deal with Satan." "Jon Gosselin is trying to salvage his image as the worst dad in America who isn't Joe Jackson." Jimmy showed a clip of Ken Burns' new documentary on our National Parks. It was all animals having sex or attacking people. "Heidi Montag was on 'The View,' with Spencer Pratt in the audience. She says she wants babies immediately, and he doesn't want babies ever. In fact he wants a vasectomy. Listen, I'll pay for it. The last thing we want to see is 'Heidi & Spencer + 8.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Spencer Pratt says he barely has sex with Heidi because he's so afraid she'll get pregnant. He's not as scared as we are." "General Motors is discontinuing the Saturn. Parents will have to find another car to disappoint their kids with at graduation."

Craig Ferguson: "It's the 60th anniversary of Communist China. Bruce Springfield turned 60 a few days ago. Coincidence? His songs have changed a little over the years. Now it's 'Baby, We Were Born to Run to the Bathroom.' The Chinese had a big military parade. American parades aren't about showing off weaponry, except the Gay Parade, of course. I love to eat Chinese food. Or as they call it in China, food."

Friday, October 2

David Letterman: "New York City is ankle-deep in skunks, but they're going to lure them all to Zurich, Switzerland, to pick up lifetime achievement awards. When I first saw the skunks milling around I thought, what is this, Fashion Week for rats? New Yorkers aren't intimidated by skunks, though. We live downwind from New Jersey. Somebody told me skunks are part of the weasel family, and I thought, aha, send them to Wall Street. But New Yorkers are resourceful. Have you seen this? Kung Pao skunk."

"'Forbes Magazine' released the list of the 400 richest Americans, and our own Mayor Bloomberg was on the short list. That's because he's a little fellow, only former jockey to be a mayor." "Do you watch 'The Ghost Whisperer?' She runs errands for dead people. And this week she booked vacations for the Mets." "It's the 60th anniversary of Communist China. And the reason we're celebrating here in America is that China owns all our debt. The traditional 60th anniversary gift, if you want to send them something, is lead paint. The hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Chinese special. For an extra five bucks they'll add MSG." "There are rumors that Alex Rodriguez has gotten Kate Hudson pregnant. Not bad coming off an injury. I mean, two months ago he couldn't swing a bat. I believe it's the first pregnancy in the new stadium. Finally he came through in the clutch. And afterwards he tipped his cap to the fans." Guest Larry David: "I've probably broken the record for least sex by a guy who has a TV show. I'm sure I've broken your record."
Fun Facts: "In 1999 the Dalai Lama won both the Nobel Peace Prize and the Daytime Nobel Peace Prize." "The first draft of 'Snow White' had an eighth dwarf named Clammy."
Top Ten Signs You Have Too Much Money: 10. Actually considering plunking down $29 on that Palin book. 8. When taking the eye test, you hire Vanna White to stand by letters.
5. You can afford New York Yankee tickets. 1. People tell you they love the talk show you do with Kelly Ripa.

Jay Leno: "If you came here hoping to have sex with a late-night host, you're at the wrong network. I have never had sex with any member of my staff." Smitty the drummer got up and stormed out in a huff. Kevin: "You been cheating on me, Jay?" Jay: "We shouldn't be surprised by the Olympics decision. Chicago never wins in October." "At the San Francisco airport a guy held up his cell phone and said, 'I'm going to press this button and set off a bomb.' Luckily a clerk saw he had T-Mobile and knew there was no danger." "Tiger Woods earned a billion dollars this past year, finishing just ahead of the bail bondsman for the Oakland Raiders." "In one country senior citizens are getting a discount on hookers. In America seniors can't even get discounts on prescription drugs." Guest Dan Ahdoot: "I'm Iranian and Jewish. It's a classic combo, like peanut butter and cat."

Conan O'Brien: "The 2016 Olympics are going to be held in Rio. And they're going to be held topless. Wait, you were booing a minute ago. I can't wait for the women's high jump." "Comcast may be buying NBC, because they've decided to get out of the television business." "As you may know, I told a joke about Newark last week, so the mayor has banned me. So if I want to go to Newark I'll have to do it the way everybody else does, through a series of bad life choices." "New Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor was seen buying a push-up bra, in the case of Sotomayor v. Gravity." "The most frequently banned book in libraries is about two gay penguins in a zoo. The title is 'That's Not an Icicle.'" "Kanye West has angered fans by canceling his upcoming tour with no explanation. It's part of his campaign to get everyone in the world to hate him."

Jimmy Fallon: "The 2016 Olympics went to Rio. I don't know if the voting was rigged, but the winner was Ahmadinejad. The win was announced in Rio at 1 p.m., and they've been celebrating for fifty years." "The autopsy said Michael Jackson was in good health. I'd think a guy in good health would have a nose." "A new book 'Why Women Have Sex' lists 237 reasons. Letterman knows the Top Ten." "It's the 50th anniversary of the first episode of 'The Twilight Zone.' Or is it?"

Craig Ferguson: "The movie 'Whip It' opened today. Is it about small dogs? Devo? No, it's about roller derby, a sport I always thought was associated with lesbians. Lindsay Lohan loves roller derby, part of the time. The world's most famous lesbian, Kim Jong Il, loves roller derby. And golf." "Today's vampires have abs of steel. They must work out at Ghoul's Gym. And their plasma TVs have real plasma."

Monday, October 5

David Letterman: Dave's apology: When he talked about the blackmail he didn't think abut all his staff being quizzed about whether they were involved. "Even our announcer, Alan Kalter, wanted to know if he and I had sex." "My wife Regina has been horribly hurt by my behavior ... Let me tell you, folks, I've got my work cut out for me. .. Also, because what can it hurt, I'd like once again to apologize to the former Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin." See the whole apology at http://www.cbs.com/late_night/late_show/video/?pid=t0lI8Ag_4dfZasp4VQ6tuoYPKCZerp7U&vs=Big%20Show%20Highlights&play=true Monologue: "Did your weekend just fly by? I'll be honest folks. About now I'd give anything to be hiking on the Appalachian Trail. There's a possibility I'll be the first talk show host impeached. It's fall in New York City, and I spent the whole day raking my hate mail. Cold too. Chilly outside my house. Chilly inside my house. By the way, for legal reasons I have to inform you folks this entire exchange is being videotaped. This whole thing is surreal. Usually when I'm being shaken down for money it's by relatives. Over the weekend they came up with proof Ahmadinejad is Jewish. I wonder how much they wanted to keep that quiet. Ahmadinejad is referring all questions to Rubenstein Communications." "President Obama went to Denmark to get the Olympics for Chicago, and argued his case in a heartfelt manner, and didn't get anywhere, and boy do I know what that feels like. Let's look at the news. Bill Clinton today ... Good news for South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, because ... How about that Eliot Spitzer ... Ladies and gentlemen, I want to remind you this is only phase one of the scandal. Next week I go on Oprah and sob."
Steve Martin and Martin Short came on together and Dave asked how they met. Steve Martin: "Chevy Chase and I were already signed, and somebody said Martin Short was available, and we said, 'Well, maybe it could be "The Two Amigos."'"
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Adopting a Monkey: 10. "Do I need another monkey?" 9. "Is there a leasing option?" 6. "Is there still a chance we could have a monkey naturally?" 5. "Do you sell 'My Monkey Is An Honor Student' bumper stickers?" 1. "Will everything smell like Amy Winehouse?"

Jay Leno: "The U.S. has the highest unemployment in decades. The good news, among the unemployed is Jon of Jon & Kate." "Roman Polanski now wants to come to the U.S., for the 'Teen Choice Awards.'" "Can you believe somebody paid Sarah Palin to write a book? Well, they're paying Tom DeLay to dance." "I took the Starbucks challenge this weekend to compare their regular and instant coffees. I'll be honest. I couldn't tell which was more overpriced." "A 60-year-old blind guy discovered he'd been overcharged by a prostitute when his mother was checking his Discover Card bill. Try to count all the things wrong with that scenario." Headlines: Grocery ad for "Albertson's canned cat."

Jon Stewart: "Chicago Nope: The most powerful person in America went to Denmark, along with Barack and Michele Obama ..."

Stephen Colbert: "Boo S.A.: The leader of the free world went to Denmark with the President and First Lady ..."

Conan O'Brien: "For his 17th wedding anniversary Barack Obama had an intimate candlelight dinner with Michele and Oprah." "In a study of the best places to live Afghanistan came in next to last. They said, 'Thank God for Newark.'" "It turns out Ahmadinejad is part Jewish. Jewish women everywhere wanted to know if he's single." "Chrysler is splitting into two divisions, one not selling trucks, and one not selling cars." "Simon Cowell threw himself a 50th birthday bash and insisted on unisex bathrooms, so Ryan Seacrest wouldn't have to choose." "Rapper Method Man is blaming his IRS troubles on his accountant Questionable Method Man." "The nation is obsessed with a scandal involving a certain late-night host. Yes, it's my feud with the Mayor of Newark. I just happened to remark last week that the Newark health plan was a ticket out of Newark, and the Mayor of Newark has banned me from the city and the airport. So tonight I'm banning the Mayor from Burbank city and airport. Now the Mayor is trying to get me banned from the whole state of New Jersey, but I got this letter from the Mayor of Elizabeth, welcoming me to that city. And since Terminal A of Newark Airport is actually in Elizabeth, he tells me they'll rename it Conan O'Brien Terminal for the day if I visit there."

Jimmy Fallon: "In Beirut security confiscated Snoop Dogg's necklace, which had bullets on it. Snoop said, 'That's all they're confiscating?!'" "A 74-year-old man completed a marathon this weekend, and his family treated him to a 5-star emergency room." "A-Rod hit two homers and got seven RBIs in a single inning yesterday. He said, 'I'm glad to get that all out of the way before the playoffs.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Three Americans won Nobel Prizes for Medicine. Take that, Brazil!." "There's a big scandal in late-night TV. I'm staying out of it. [David Letterman is his boss.] I'll just say that my own relationships with my employees are strictly professional. Isn't that right, Gunther?" A cute shirtless leather guy pouted. "Rugby is not really a sport. It's more like an outdoor bar fight, but you can bet on it." Guest Tim Meadows: "The world's greatest superpower may be weakening. Ten years ago Oprah could have forced them to hold the Olympics between her butt cheeks if she'd wanted. Kanye West, incidentally, will be going to Rio to interrupt the opening ceremonies."

Tuesday, October 6

David Letterman: "What I like to do when it's autumn in New York, put a marshmallow in my morning martini." "Brett Favre beat his old team last night, and he's celebrating by dating Kate Hudson's mother." "There are a wide variety of reasons I might not be able to continue with the show. Have you ever seen my understudy? Here's the kid."

"It turns out Ahmadinejad is Jewish and changed his name. I thought the only Jewish dictator was Mayor Bloomberg. They found out Ahmadinejad was Jewish when he launched into a hate-filled rant against himself." "The Nobel Prize for Physics went to three scientists. Kanye West thought it should have gone to Beyonce." "The Supreme Court is back in session. First case, Jon v. Kate." The Wahoo Gazette: "Read Palin's memoir or drink your own pee? Bear Grylls takes the easy way out." Top Ten Signs You're Dealing With A Bad Cryonic Preservation Company (because of rumors Ted Williams' frozen head was mistreated): 8. At Christmas party, you find grandpa's head chilling the eggnog. 7. Motto: "If we don't bring you back to life... what are you going to do about it?" 4. From inside the storage pods, you hear faint cries for help. 2. For fun, technicians dress bodies to reenact this week's "Mad Men."

Jay Leno: "Did you hear that Ahmadinejad is Jewish? First Madonna is Jewish, and now this. Haven't these people suffered enough?" "For their 17th anniversary President Obama took Michele out for a romantic evening and then back to the White House. It's the first time he's been able to close a deal since he entered office." "Obama says he'll do away with Don't Ask, Don't Tell when the time is right. When will that be? Don't ask, and he's not telling." "David Letterman is the victim of an extortion attempt by a newsman. 'Dateline NBC' tried to blackmail me, but nobody watches NBC, so I wasn't worried about it." "Christian couples are being advised to pray together before sex. I guess that's the sermon before the mount." "The Pope said the world has become too materialistic. Then he wrapped his silk cape around him, put on his jeweled tiara, and climbed into his private jet."

Jon Stewart: "The Gay After Tomorrow: Still no promise on when Don't Ask, Don't Tell will be abolished. It seems the only thing Americans fear more than terrorists is the sexual duality that exists within each of us. Oops!" "Our own correspondent Rob Riggle was a Marine. He says yes the Marines are a department of the Navy, the men's department."

Stephen Colbert: "Today the swine flu vaccine dropped, but babies and old people get it first, so how cool can it be?" "Luckily, unlike the banks, Afghanistan isn't too big to fail."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama is going to address the largest gay rights group, which is upset with him because he hasn't repealed Don't Ask, Don't Tell. However, all will be forgiven if he makes the speech shirtless." "In the year 3000:" "Rob Lowe will start to look a tiny bit older." "Paris Hilton will become spokesperson for Repeatedly Stuffed Oreos." "Conan O'Brien will admit he had sex with coworkers in the past, when he was self-employed."

Jimmy Fallon: "Poland has unveiled a new star for Roman Polanski on its Walk of Fame. The award was presented by the Minister of Timing." "A woman was arrested for letting her daughter ride in a cardboard box on top of her van. She's charged with being the most fun mom ever."

Craig Ferguson: "A poll found that 61% of women would rather give up sex than their cell phones. That's what we get for inventing vibrate mode."

Wednesday, October 7

David Letterman: "They've installed a McDonald's in the Louvre in Paris, and already there's trouble. Look at the Venus de Milo."

"The Yankees are in the playoffs. It was exciting last night, 50,000 people packed together in a swine flu epidemic. This year the Red Sox are the wild card team. You know about the wild card. That's how we got George Bush." "Did you see the Nobel Prize Awards this year? Hosted by Neil Patrick Harris, did a nice job. Have you seen the prize? Here."

"NASA is launching a missile at the moon, looking for water. Why not, now that we have no problems here on earth. They're going to shoot the moon, then see if there's water. That's how we do it here. Bomb first, look for evidence later." "Yesterday was Sonia Sotomayor's first day on the Supreme Court, so the other Justices hazed her. They switched her robe for a slanket. It was hilarious. Then Chief Justice Roberts sent her to the hardware store to buy a left-handed gavel. But Sonia has her work cut out for her. I mean, replacing Paula Abdul ..." "Things more fun than reading the new Sarah Palin memoir: #14 driving into a tree."
Top Ten Signs The Head of NASA Is Nuts: 8. Freaked out when he heard GM was closing Saturn. 6. Wants to rename headquarters "Cape Kardashian." 3. Announced he wants to fake another moon landing by 2015.

Jay Leno: "President Obama met with 150 doctors, and he's going to try out the advice they gave him this weekend on the golf course." "It looks like he's going to do away with Don't Ask, Don't Tell. The new slogan will be 'An Army of One ... Singular Sensation.'" "Oprah is moving her show to Rio." "Simon Cowell turned 50 today, but he still has the perky man boobs of a 25-year-old." "A woman was arrested for biting her boyfriend's tongue. He was speechless." "This is the 120th anniversary of the invention of the movie camera. That night Thomas Edison told his wife, 'Come on, no one will ever see this.'" "Tiger Woods is the first sports figure to earn a billion dollars. What's he going to do now, retire and play a little golf?" "Ted Williams' frozen head was mistreated in the cryogenics facility. Come on, let the poor man rest in pieces." "They now have male enhancement underwear, stuffed to make your package look bigger. It's just Fruit of the Loom with a real banana." Guest Wanda Sykes: "The Olympics went to Rio. Do you think they're going to add whoring as a sport?" "I don't understand celebrities supporting Roman Polanski. What? Are we supposed to let Steven Spielberg just go on a rampage?" "The economy is so bad Americans are taking illegals' jobs. I saw a white man mowing his own lawn." "They want to legalize marijuana to stimulate the economy, get people working. Did you ever see a pothead with a to-do list? They ought to legalize cocaine, have people working 48-hour shifts."

Jon Stewart: "President Obama won't meet with the Dalai Lama, a man so meek he was beaten up in grade school by doves." John Oliver: "His Holiness couldn't believe it. 'Hey, I'm the Dalai f***ing Lama.'"

Stephen Colbert: "Time heals all wounds, so if you're uninsured, get a watch."

Conan O'Brien: "Obama is going to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell, so the cry in the field will be changed from 'Incoming!' to 'What's her problem!?'" "In Newark, New Jersey, November is Turn Yourself in Month for criminals. The good news, there is a way out of Newark." "Nancy Pelosi was caught flirting with Robert Redford. She winked, and $4,000 worth of Botox squirted out." "A Georgia man was awarded $9 million because a drug gave him a two-day erection. He'll use the money to buy more of the drug."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Simon Cowell turns 50 today, but he still has the nipples of a young Pam Anderson. Nobody would sing happy birthday. Who needs the criticism?" "They say if you don't want to catch the swine flu you should isolate yourself. You can either go live in a cave or you can interrupt Taylor Swift at an awards ceremony." "Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin's almost-son-in-law, was prepared to move into the White House. Now he's posing for 'Playgirl,' showing his Johnston."

Jimmy Fallon: "It's the 8th anniversary of the start of the war in Afghanistan. Dick Cheney celebrated by waterboarding himself with champagne. Just 5 more years and the war will be old enough to have sex with Roman Polanski." "Mariah Carey says she likes to go out in disguise, which in her case means putting on pants."

Craig Ferguson: "Simon Cowell turns 50 today. I don't know what that is in douche years. And Fox News is 13, but I heard it on Fox News, so I don't know if it's true." "Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin's baby, is in a pistachio commercial, and now he's going to pose for 'Playgirl.' He really knows how to peddle his nuts." "NASA is going to blow up the moon. Just a little bit, to see if there's water. If Fabio isn't sunbathing in the nude at the time I might point my telescope at the moon and watch it. Can you imagine what weasels in L.A. will pay for bottled moon water? I don't know if I'd pay for water from Uranus. Did you know it takes two bottlesworth of water to make the bottle that holds one bottle of water? You're welcome, viewers who are smoking marijuana. I blame celebrities for their bottles of water and their jugs of silicone."

Thursday, October 8

David Letterman: "Paris is a nice town, but just try to get a decent meal there. Now, though, there's a McDonald's in the Louvre. If you go there be sure to order the Big Matisse. They also have Leonardo da Vinci's original ketchup pump there. The big deal is the drive-through. You shout your order into Van Gogh's good ear." "Mel Gibson petitioned the court and has had his DUI expunged. Wish I could do that with last night's show. Yeah, he had his record expunged. No word yet on 'Lethal Weapon 4.'" "NASA is going to shoot a rocket at the moon, but the government says not to worry. They're pretty sure we'll be greeted as liberators." "The Nobel Prize for Chemistry went to two Americans. Regis & Kelly beat out Jon & Kate. The Nobel Prize for Lack of Chemistry went to John McCain and Sarah Palin."
Top Ten Things: 10. Mulch 9. Phillips head screwdriver 8. Soup of the day 7. The Oak Ridge Boys 6. Five-fingered clawhammer banjo technique 5. Cabin pressure 4. Egg salad that's not too mayonnaise-y and not too eggy 3. Sneezing monkey 2. Strange hair on your hotel bedspread 1. Gelman

Jay Leno: "I don't know when Obama will make up his mind on Afghanistan. It took him five months to decide on a puppy." "It turns out Ahmadinejad is Jewish. I'm pretty sure we can classify him as non-practicing." "NASA is crashing two spacecraft into the moon. The spacecraft are named Amtrak 1 and Amtrak 2." "A surprising study showed that people who drink get more exercise than people who don't. It's all that wandering around the parking lot looking for their cars." "Amy Winehouse's fortune has dwindled from $16 million to $2 million. I understand she was heavily invested in pharmaceuticals." "Japanese airlines are asking passengers to relieve themselves before getting on the plane to reduce the weight. Bladders are now considered carryon bags." "A mother was arrested because she had her 13-year-old daughter riding in a cardboard box on top of her van. It's a Roman Polanski take-out order."

Jon Stewart: "Around the world, jazz hands are flopping at half-elbow now that Tom DeLay has dropped out of 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

Stephen Colbert: "Rush Limbaugh wants to buy the St. Louis Rams, which makes sense. He also butts heads with his enemies, and you can shave his back to make a lovely sweater." "There are reports that Ted Williams' frozen head has been used for batting practice. Next we'll hear Lance Armstrong's ass was used as a bike rack."

Conan O'Brien: "I'm very honored that on Askmen.com's list of The Most Influential Men of 2009 I was #16. And on Most Influential Women I was #3." "A study showed that more women than men are kicked out of the military for Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Don't Ask, Don't Tell, but please let us watch." "Michael Vick is going to star in a new reality show, presumably not on Animal Planet." "President Obama has appointed the first gay Ambassador ... to Barbra Streisand." "In Iowa some people found a dead deer on their porch wearing lipstick and a clown suit. The police said they don't know what happened, and they don't want to know." Hillary Clinton appeared in a clip to mediate the dispute between the Mayor of Newark and what she described as "the host of a mildly entertaining late-night talk show, whose actions are probably the result of a recent head injury." "Comcast may buy NBC, That's so boring. Why should we be owned by dull companies like GE or Comcast?" Conan did a rap, "Yo Jay-Z, buy NBC. We'll make it NBZ."

Jimmy Kimmel: "We're attacking the moon tonight. The moon has never been anything but good to us. It's going to cost $79 million. Couldn't we blow up something better for that kind of money, like Heidi and Spencer?"

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama hosted some schoolkids on the White House lawn looking at the stars through telescopes. One wiseacre kid yelled, 'Hey, I can see Rio.'" "The odds are one in 250,000 that we'll be hit by an asteroid in 2036. That's better odds than winning McDonald's monopoly." "The most annoying word of 2009 is 'whatever.' That's ridonculous." "Michael Vick is going to have a new reality show ... on Animal Planet." "Nick Nolte's son was arrested for drunk driving, or as Nick Nolte calls it, driving."

Craig Ferguson: "Michael Vick is starring in a new reality show, 'I'm a Dog, Get Me Out of Here.'" "A study finds that birth control pills have put women off masculine men, and now they like boyish guys. I think that study was done by an effeminate man who can't get laid."

Friday, October 9

David Letterman: "Donald Trump was at the cat show today, and that thing on his head arched its back and hissed." "It's black bear hunting season in New Jersey. One guy holds his gun on the bear, and then they make it dig its own grave." "Brett Favre is 40 years old tomorrow, unless he changes his mind." "Police in Iowa arrested a woman after 11 years for not returning 3 video tapes. Nothing yet on Osama bin Laden." "There's a new McDonald's in the Louvre in Paris. You actually shout your orders into the Mona Lisa's face. It's already causing problems."

"Scientists have discovered a 4-million-year-old skeleton, and today the Minnesota Vikings offered it a contract. It may be related to humans and apes, like the Governor of California." Guest Andy Kindler: "My stage name used to be Andy Semitic, but I drew the wrong crowd." "They're making a new Three Stooges movie. Why? What did the original movies leave unsaid?"
Fun Facts: "Of all the flying dinosaurs the pterodactyl had the best on-time-arrival record." "Since they are unable to reproduce, seedless watermelons often adopt."
Top Ten Signs You Won't Win a Nobel Prize: 10. You invented swine flu. 5. You're up against Tina Fey -- she wins everything, people! 3. Devoted your life to creating a sushi that will still allow Jeremy Piven to act. 2. Only medical experience? Sticking a needle in A-Rod's ass. 1. Barack Obama flew to Sweden to plead on your behalf.

Jay Leno: "President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop with beer. The President says he'll go to Oslo to pick up the prize, and Roman Polanski yelled, 'Don't do it! It's a trap!'" "Somali pirates attacked a ship that turned out to be a French navy ship, so getting it to surrender was a lot easier than they'd planed." "Governor Sanford of South Carolina was cited for going 85 in a 65 mph zone. Last time it was for going 69 in Argentina." "A New York couple set a record for going a year without toilet paper. Actually, the service station restroom on our corner has gone several years without toilet paper." "Women who've had hormone injections are less attracted to muscular men. That's because they now are muscular men." "Terry Bradshaw's on the show tonight. You know the difference between Brett Favre and Terry Bradshaw? People are still happy to see Brett Favre." "Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin's baby's daddy, is going to pose nude for 'Playgirl,' which has a quarter million subscribers, a few of them women. Levi wants to exploit his 15 centimeters of fame."

Joe McHale on "The Soup:" "Roman Polanski may end up in a California prison, in spite of his efforts to be put in a juvenile facility."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. What the judges liked most was his calling Kanye West a jackass." "The Gay March on Washington is spit between the old guard and the new gays, Liza Minnelli vs. Lady Gaga." "Dr. Phil has been accused of touching a patient's breasts. He told her, 'It's OK, I'm a fake doctor.'" "Marge Simpson is going to be the first cartoon character to appear in 'Playboy.' The bad news, the carpet matches the drapes." "Kirstie Alley has been tweeting hints that she's having an affair with Jamie Foxx, and it may be true, because he's been tweeting, 'Help, I can't breathe!'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "We just bombed the moon for no reason at all. That's got to be a lesson for North Korea and Iran." "President Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and Joe Biden has won the Hair-Piece Prize. Obama also gets $1.4 million, so look for a whole new closet of mom jeans." "Marge Simpson's going to be in the November 'Playboy.' When she has sex she uses a Sponge Bob." "On his twins' birthday cake Jon Gosselin spelled one of their names with two D's instead of one. To be fair, he's been around a lot of double-D's lately."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize. I'm sure he'll pick it up as soon as he finishes his two wars. He also gets $1.4 million. Usually for a check that big you have to blackmail David Letterman." "Neiman Marcus is selling a $25,000 car shaped like a cupcake. It's for people who like to taunt the homeless. It's the Chrysler Diabetic." "Mattel is coming out with Black Barbie, with a broader nose and more sculpted features. I wonder what they're going to add to the Ken doll."

Craig Ferguson: "A Swedish man drank a pint of vodka and woke up to find a tattoo of a 15-inch penis on his leg. All my years of drinking, and I never woke up with a 15-inch penis on my leg."

Monday, October 12

David Letterman: "When I call your name, please come up and claim your Nobel Peace Prize." "We had our first frost in New York last night. It's good for forensics. The bodies stay fresh longer." "I went to the Columbus Day Parade, and my back is killing me. I had to keep lifting Mayor Bloomberg up so he could see. In honor of Columbus, Dick Cheney's cholesterol was 1492." "Our oldest taxi driver is retiring at 82. He has arthritis and just can't give the finger anymore. He says he can remember when cab drivers used hand signals, when cab drivers used deodorant ... He can still remember his first fare, 62 years ago, because Regis didn't give him a tip." "President Obama wants to get rid of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, not to be confused with President Bush's Don't Know, Don't Care policy."
Top Ten Things Christopher Columbus Would Say If He Were Alive Today: 9. "Good Lord, this country got obese!" 7. "Is that the same John McCain who was on the Pinta?" 6. "I discovered the country and all I get is a sale at Sears?" 4. "Comedy at 10 PM? It's about time!" 2. "I believe that it is possible for man, with adequate rations and supplies, to circumnavigate Kirstie Alley" 1. "I'm 558 years old and I still look better than Letterman"

Jay Leno: "On Columbus Day we honor an Italian sailor, funded by Spain, who thought he'd found India." "The runner-up for the Nobel Peace Prize was the Oakland Raiders' defense. They're pure pacifists." "In a poll 56% of Americans favored legalizing marijuana. The other 44% thought it was legal." "A man was arrested for fondling a nurse while she was delivering his wife's baby. He took the Husband of the Year Award from John Edwards." "The Chicago Cubs have filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. They may move the team to Rio." Headlines: Menus offered "Roasted Lack of Lamb" and "Vagitarian Fajitas."

Stephen Colbert: "Our guest tonight will be Dr. Sanjay Gupta. He's the one who's been keeping Larry King live."

Conan O'Brien: "A Nobel Prize in Economics went to a woman for the first time. Congratulations, Michelle Obama." "Lady Gaga says she wants to be a representative of the gay community, as opposed to the incredibly gay community." "Oprah is being sued by a former employee for $75,000. Oprah said, "$75,000? How adorable." "L.A. is about to get some big storms, which may lead to mudslides. At least the mud probably won't catch fire."

Jimmy Fallon: "Donald Trump will appear with Rod Blagojevitch, in an effort to make his own hair look normal." "A flight attendant on Oprah's private plane was fired for having sex during a flight. On the plus side, she's now a member of the Mile High Book Club." "A 7-year-old boy in Britain brought his 2,000-pound bull to school. Everyone had a good time, except for the kid who wore red."

Craig Ferguson: "Rush Limbaugh is going to be a judge of the Miss America Pageant. A judge who overuses prescription medication? Well, it worked for 'American Idol.'" "It's Columbus Day. Columbus was sponsored by the Spanish throne to find a back door to India to extend their reach around the world. 'Spanish Back Door Reacharound' is a movie I once accidentally rented twelve times. Columbus had Columbus, Ohio, named after him. I have a town named after me. Have you ever been to Doucheberg, Minnesota?"

"Saturday Night Live:" Fred Armisen as Barack Obama said he won the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George Bush. Seth Meyers: "President Obama said he accepted the Nobel Prize as a call to action. Just to be clear, the election was, too, right?" Seth showed a clip of Dave Letterman's old 1980s girlfriend Merrill Markoe saying, "Dave promised me I would be the only woman he ever cheated on."

Tuesday, October 13

Extra: Leah Garchik's column, "San Francisco Chronicle," 10/14/09: Strange de Jim reports that when Barney Frank toured the Castro with pals on Sunday, he got hell from a few locals for dissing and not appearing in the National Equality March for gay rights in Washington. He'd been quoted as saying, "The only thing they're going to be putting pressure on is the grass."

David Letterman: "Bernie Madoff got into a fight in prison yesterday, so now he's screwed. They added 6 months to his 150-year sentence. Bernie did pretty well. Before he went to prison he hired a consultant to tell him how to handle himself in the joint. It was Martha Stewart. Here, we have a video of Martha in a prison fight."

"John McCain said Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox. Sarah Palin's publishing her memoir, 'Going Rogue,' and we've made a list of things more fun than reading it. #18, eating an eyeball from a yak's carcass."

"President Obama wants to put an end to the Army's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, not to be confused with Dick Cheney's Don't Look, Don't Aim policy." "You know, the Obamas are changing some of the artwork in the White House. They're getting rid of a really weird painting called 'American Gothic.'"

"Hillary Clinton says she'll eventually retire and will never run for President again, unlike George Bush, who retired as soon as he was elected President." "The Vatican has named 4 or 5 new saints. The event was hosted by Neil Patrick Harris. Among the new saints, Father Damien, Sister Jean and Mrs. Regis Philbin. She's a saint."

Jay Leno: "Barack Obama wants to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell, so besides the Nobel he could get a Tony." "A man in Detroit is in trouble for swapping food stamps for Viagra. Can't you see his wife, 'Did you get the groceries?' 'No, but look at this!'" "A study shows 1 out of 5 women still has no feeling in her nipples 5 years after getting breast implants. How do you get to conduct THAT study?"

Jon Stewart: "Bi-Furious" and "Queer and Loathing in D.C.," titles of story on Gay Rights March. And the story on Obama's Nobel was "Super Prize Me."

Stephen Colbert: "The health care bill is out of committee. Hip, hip replacement!"

Conan O'Brien: "The giant Gay Rights March in D.C. featured the chant, 'Hey, Obama, let mama marry mama." It's the best chant since Richard Nixon's time: Hey, Dick, let Dick marry Dick." "A man was arrested for making an appointment with a telemarketer and then assaulting him. The telemarketer waited until dinnertime and then called police." "Mattel is redesigning Barbie because her ankles were too fat. Ken said, 'Hey, I have no genitals.'" "A 100-year-old Australian woman set the new record for the senior shot put. The new record is one inch." "Paris Hilton just lost all the numbers in her cell phone, or as she calls it, her to-do list."

Jimmy Kimmel: "We've had a hell of a lot of rain in L.A. Usually when there's this much moisture on the ground the Octomom's water just broke." "Jon Gosselin says he may become Jewish, as if they don't have enough problems. Listen, I'll gladly pay for the circumcision."

Jimmy Fallon: "A new report says the Taliban is better funded than Al Queda, who invested with Bernie Madoff." "Scientists have discovered the world's first vegetarian spider. They discovered it when they were coming out of a grocery store and it asked them to sign a petition. Then they saw it bumming the other spiders out at a barbecue." "Whitney Houston will be performing in Great Britain for the first time in 10 years. Lines are already forming on her coffee table." Jimmy played guest Adam Samberg's digital short "I Threw It on the Ground."

Craig Ferguson: "When it rains like this in L.A. you get mud and rocks and Baldwins sliding down the hillsides." "We're in the middle of a pumpkin shortage. They won't cancel Halloween. You don't cancel 'Jon & Kate + 8' just because you're short one douchebag. Pumpkins have both male and female parts. You can tell because Eddie Murphy is always giving them rides home."

Wednesday, October 14

David Letterman: "If the Yankees win we get a crate of avocados. If the Dodgers win we send them a litter of rats. The Yankees are going from a four-man rotation to a three-man rotation. They got the idea from Madonna." "Bernie Madoff got into a fight in prison, and now they have him on a diet of bread and water, like his investors." "Health care got out of the committee. I'm not too interested. I have the CBS plan. If I die I get to play a corpse on 'CSI.' But the bill passed, 14 'yay,' 8 'nay' and one 'You lie!' The CBS doctor makes you undress in the waiting room. He says it breaks the ice." "Captain Sully Sullenberger is signing books today here in New York."

Top Ten Signs Your Toddler Watches Too Much Television: 9. Wants Neil Patrick Harris to host his birthday party. 3. Thinks the capital of Montana is Hannah.

Jay Leno: "Rain again in L.A. today. The roads are slicker than John Edwards on 'Cheaters.'" "Governor Schwarzenegger promises swift action on his wife Maria being caught driving while talking on her cell phone. Which means no action for Arnold tonight." "The Republicans can't believe President Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize. Democrats can't believe Sarah Palin wrote a book." "Roman Polanski is said to be depressed in jail. He feels like a helpless 13-year-old girl." "Bernie Madoff got into a fight in prison. Shanked the guy. Used a knife he'd hidden in an offshore account." "Rush Limbaugh is downplaying his past racist comments. He says if he's racist why would he want to buy the St. Louis Rams, who are 70% black. Because he'd own them?" "Sea World has been sold. The bad news, it was bought by a sushi company." "Last weekend's Gay Rights March was great for D.C., filled the hotel rooms. Well, the Democratic gays did. The Republicans were still in the closet."

Jon Stewart: "The Joy of Rx: A baby was denied health insurance coverage because he was too fat. The insurers said, 'Look. He's so fat he can't even walk.' But the kid's father is a newscaster and put the story on the air, so now the insurers have changed their mind. If only all the uninsured were sired by news anchors." "The Bills Have Ayes: The health care bill came out of committee."

Stephen Colbert: "We're one step closer to a nightmare future in which everyone has health care."

Conan O'Brien: "The White House last night had a tribute to Latin music, and President Obama was seen wiggling his hips. Today Sweden awarded him a Latin Grammy." "An Afghani film director says he's afraid the Taliban will shut down his film 'A Woman in Jeans Driving Her Kids to School.'" "A drunken man in Utah was kicked out of the delivery room for fondling one of the nurses. Isn't that always the way? One of life's most tender moments was ruined by the birth of a baby." Celebrity Survey: It's hard to be humble when ... Kanye West: "You're not humble." I often wonder what would have happened if ... Dog the Bounty Hunter: "I hadn't dropped out of Yale Divinity School." My favorite Aesop Fable is ... Paris Hilton: "The Cucumber and the Donut." My kids gave me a mug reading ... Jon Gosselin: "Drink up, Douchie."

Jimmy Kimmel: "TMZ caught California's First Lady Maria Shriver talking on her cell phone three different times while driving. She just likes to hear people speaking regular English as much as possible before she goes home."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Spice Girls are having their second reunion tour. They promise they'll play all their hit." Jimmy's guests were four members of Monty Python, and he was asking about the early days. "Did you ever think the show would be a disaster?" John Cleese: "Shortly after you started the monologue."

Craig Ferguson: "The Dow went above 10,000 for the first time in four years. If it stays up for more than four hours, call your doctor."

Thursday, October 15

David Letterman: "It's so cold today, if you walk through Central Park you possibly could see your last breath." "The Angels aren't worried about the Yankees, because Kate Hudson has no post-season experience." "Even the snooty restaurants are having to be nice to lure customers. I was in a snooty restaurant the other night, and the coatcheck guy gave me a better coat." "You're not going to believe this. Somebody is counterfeiting corn flakes, so Kellogg's is tattooing every individual flake. Here, we have a picture of the original tattooed flake."

"I know what you're saying: 'Boy, Dave, that was a long way to go for that." "Oprah's done it again. Tomorrow on her show Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield will be promoting their new show 'Three and a Half Ears.'" "Here's more in our little segment, Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: #37 Getting Sucked Down the Kitchen Sink."

"Somebody's put together a list of the hottest world leaders. Here's the winner, Angela Merkel, the Prime Minister of Germany."

"The Obamas are redecorating the White House, putting up some new paintings. Have you seen Picasso's portrait of Lincoln?"

"President Obama's having a good week. The Dow's up, and this week only, all Nobel Prize winners get 50% off at Red Lobster." "The Republicans are going to filibuster the health care plan. That's where a guy goes on and on and doesn't say anything. It's like dinner with Regis."

Jay Leno: "You saw the big scare today where everybody thought a 6-year-old boy was up in a balloon. Turns out he was hiding in the attic the whole time. Still, the story has a tragic ending. He came out of the attic and fell down a well." "President Obama wants to give every senior citizen $250. This has just been a great year for Brett Favre." "A 37-year-old math teacher was arrested for masturbating at Costco. I get excited over low prices too, but ... I'm surprised it wasn't at Home Depot. That's the do-it-yourself store." "A company in Russia has built a $1.5-million SUV with seats covered with whale penis leather. I don't know. If your date goes, 'Ooh, whale penis leather!' How would she know?"

Jon Stewart: "You've Got Fail." Jon made fun of the new GOP web page, which includes a blog by Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele called "What Up?" "I don't know if they're being condescending to black people or just young people."

Stephen Colbert: "Dow a Dear: The Dow went over 10,000, and there were crowds celebrating in the streets, unless that was unemployment lines."

Conan O'Brien: "Hillary Clinton is now more popular that Barack Obama. She says she's thrilled, a year after it matters." "John McCain is upset that his daughter posted a nude photo of herself on Twitter. He said, 'You're 80 years old, for God's sakes.'" "Maria Shriver apologized for talking on her cell phone while driving. Unfortunately, today she was caught texting while driving a school bus." "The Norwegian band Aha announced they're breaking up after 27 years of singing 'Take on Me.'" Announcer Andy Richter accidentally took some Cialis, so he and Conan had to stop the show to go out and have a romantic interlude in nature.

Jimmy Kimmel: (On the 6-year-old kid in a balloon) "We closed airports and spent hundreds of thousands today chasing a big Jiffy Pop bag across the country." "In California six million people took part in a giant earthquake drill. I did my part. I stood in a doorway and wet my pants." "The Norwegian band Aha broke up, which surprised me. 'Take on Me' came out in 1985, and as far as I knew, that was all for them."

Jimmy Fallon: "First Dog Bo had an accident on Air Force One today, and it was so bad they've had to rename the plane Air Force Two." "Senior citizens are going to get $250 each. What will they spend it on? Depends." "The Humane Society is upset at IHOP, because the eggs they serve come from chickens so cooped up they can't move. To be fair, most of the people eating the eggs can't move much either." "The two biggest lotteries, Powerball and Mega Millions may merge into one giant national lottery, Power Megaballs. That's your Twitter name, isn't it, Higgins?" "A poll named Britney Spears as Best Celebrity Mom. The poll was conducted among 6,000 sarcastic people." "Rush Limbaugh was dropped by the group buying the St. Louis Rams as being too controversial. Rush said, 'Too controversial!? That's the blackest, gayest, most abortionist thing I've ever heard.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Fifty years ago 'I Love Lucy' premiered. That's when TV was TV, not a couple of douchebags with eight kids." "Social Security says no cost of living increase this year for senior citizens. At 50 you can join AARP. At 65 you get Social Security, and at 75 you get to slap your waitress on the ass and call her Toots. And you can order eggs with a side of her melons. I'm ready for old age. I already have one of those cute things you ride up the stairs." {The cute shirtless leather guy came out pantomiming a sore back.)

Friday, October 16

David Letterman: "I'm getting ready for Halloween. Earlier today I was testing the electric fence. Last year I underestimated, ran out of candy. Toward the end of the evening I was handing out Lipitor. This year get your kid the Bernie Madoff mask; he'll come home with fifty billion Tootsie Rolls." "This day in 1867 Russia gave Alaska to the United States. Apparently the Russians knew what was coming and wanted to unload Alaska. Anyway, the father of Sarah Palin's daughter's baby is going to pose nude for 'Playgirl.'

"And Sarah Palin's running mate, John McCain, is in the 'AARP All Nude Edition.'"

"CBS has the number one show 'The Mentalist.' It's about a guy who has powers of observation so keen he can recognize Matthew McConaughey with his shirt on." "Big blockbuster movie this weekend, 'Where the Wild Things Are.' By the end of the movie all the wild things have been hunted down and shot by Sarah Palin."

Jay Leno: "This Halloween I'm going to strap a cell phone to the side of my head and go as Maria Shriver. When she got caught talking on her cell phone while driving, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was going to take 'swift action.' Then when he got home it was all, 'I'm so sorry, honey. I didn't mean it.'" "The real story on Iran's nuclear capability? We can't even get to the bottom of the balloon boy story. Him and his brothers Hoax and Publicity Stunt." "The phrase President uses most often is 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses least often? 'Let me be specific.' Obama was in New Orleans today, and somebody asked his opinion on The Big Easy. He thought they meant the Nobel Prize." "A new study is out. Do you know the least stressful job in America? Superbowl party planner for the Oakland Raiders." "A woman lived in her apartment for a week with her dead boyfriend. That's a bad boyfriend, when you can't even tell he's dead." "Remember the Reverend Moon? He just married 45,000 couples in a big ceremony. How tired was the stripper at that bachelor party?" "Jon Gosselin says he doesn't want to be on TV anymore. Or on Kate." "A 37-year-old math teacher was arrested for masturbating at Costco. A clerk saw him and called the cops. He should have done it at Sears. You can never find a sales clerk." Guest comic Liz Feldman: "No, Jay, you have not seen me naked. You aren't that kind of late-night host." Ten @ Ten with John McCain: The last book you read? "Twilight." What's the last thing your doctor told you not to do? "Read 'Twilight.'" "If you had $5 to spend on fast food what would you buy? "I'd buy three dollar items and spend the rest on Obamacare." What's the last time you made your mom angry? "When I told people she was 97, which she is."

Conan O'Brien: "Are you following the balloon boy? The sheriff says it's not a fraud, not a hoax. They're just morons. The kid, Falcon, threw up on 'The Today Show.' So NBC is number one in vomit." "Somebody criticized Obama for not having appointed enough new judges, and they're right. So far it's just been Sonia Sotomayor and Ellen DeGeneres." "A skeleton was found today near Six Flags. That's what happens when you don't buy a Fast pass." "Sarah Jessica Parker has come out with a new perfume, for when you want to smell like a gay man's caricature of a woman." "A truck crashed into Dunkin' Donuts. It was the third biggest thing to enter the store that morning." Conan had the mayor of Newark on to end their feud. He promised he'd put $500 in a jar every time he makes a joke about Newark in the future. Then he unveiled an enormous jar. "And you can be assured the money will be safe, because the jar isn't in Newark." Then he dropped in $500.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Let's all fly away together in a big silver balloon. The kid said he hid in the box because it was 'for the show.' It's hard to keep your story straight when your accomplice is 6. Then Jimmy showed the home video of the family yelling as the balloon escaped. Jimmy had geeen-screened in a guy holding cue cards with the dialog. "And it happened again today, all 8 of the Gosselin kids." He showed a clip of 8 balloons. "Jon and Kate were said to be out shoe shopping." "Today Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield knelt before Queen Oprah."

Jimmy Fallon: "The balloon kid pulled off the biggest hide and seek win ever. I couldn't believe it. My face was total Nancy Pelosi. The kid threw up on 'Today,' and Kathie Gifford said, 'Hey, kid, that's my line.'" "TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for appearing on another network. He cheats on everybody." "Angela Lansbury turned 84 today. She celebrated at a nice party, until one of her friends was murdered." "The Norwegian band A-ha is breaking up. Uh huh." "The average man cries 6 times a year. The number would be much lower if it weren't for Glenn Beck."

Craig Ferguson: "Hillary Clinton is supposed to be more popular than Barack Obama, but you have to look at how the question was phrased. This time it was, 'Which dude would you rather have a beer with?'"

Deb Dijiovanni on Comedy Central: "My doctor told me I have a long-necked uterus and gave me a prescription for black guys."

Cory Fernandez on Comedy Central: "Have you ever been a Spanish guy who doesn't speak Spanish? There I am, a Spanish guy in Spanish class, cheating off the Chinese kid. He says, 'I feel sorry for your mother.'" "I went to the Puerto Rican parade. A man came up to me. 'Cory! Look at you! I haven't seen you since you were this high! Lookin' good!' Then he walked off, and I yelled, 'Thanks, Dad!'"

Andy Ritchie on Comedy Central: "Go to a stranger's funeral, dressed weirdly. Go up to the casket, lean over and hiss, 'Checkmate!' Then leave. You'll have made his reputation. They'll be asking each other, 'Did Fred have an evil nemesis?" "Monocles give a sense of evil. There's something sinister about poor vision in only one eye. Like Mr. Peanut. Top hat, shoes, cane, monocle, and that's it. I don't do business with pantsless peanuts." "I'm getting old. College girls used to look at me. Now they keep an eye on me."

Comic whose name I missed on Comedy Central: "I thought tan lines on girls were sexy, like God reached down and highlighted everything that was important."

"Saturday Night Live," October 17

Seth Meyers: "Thursday a boy hid in a box. That's that story." "The Dow topped 10,000 for the first time in over a year. 'Hurray!' shouted 30 million unemployed people watching CNN in their pajamas in the middle of the afternoon." "A Justice of the Peace refused to marry an interracial couple. He said, 'I'm not a racist. I just don't like to mix the races like that.' Here's a tip. Never follow a denial of being something by affirming you're the definition of that thing." "7-11 is trying out a new plastic wrap that will keep a banana yellow and firm for five days. If your banana remains firm for over five days, call your doctor."

Seth interviews a woman who suffers from multiple unwanted spontaneous orgasms.

 

Seth interviews 2 New Jersey gay guys in the military.

 

Beauty and the Beast have a slight misunderstanding.

Monday, October 19

This week Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel are the only live shows, and Kimmel is off Mondays.

Jay Leno: "The Dodgers were so bad the baseball commissioner called and said, 'Listen, take all the steroids you want.'" "Usually when there's a flap about a balloon it's a home mortgage scandal. The Balloon Boy was fascinating while it was happening, though. Maria Shriver was so caught up that she put down her cell phone while driving and switched on her mobile TV." "President Obama wants to give each senior citizen $250. It's the Cash for Geezers Program." "That justice of the peace who refused to marry the interracial couple said in his part of the country a marriage should be within the same race and the same family." "Out of 800 students in a Chicago high school 115 girls are pregnant. That must have been some prom!" "Turns out Amy Winehouse got those breast implants for safety reasons. Now when she passes out they keep her head from hitting the table." Headlines: "Motel under new management. NO FLIES!" Grocery ad for "Tide Ultra laundry detergent with bacon." Grocery ad for "lean ground ????" Ad for "Sureboner Glue." Job ad: "Must have imbecile references."

Tuesday, October 20

Jay Leno: "Balloon Boy's father could go to prison, where they have a whole different version of 'Wife Swap.'" "Car thefts are at a twenty year low. It's kind of hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it." "Osama bin Laden's first wife was also his first cousin. That doesn't sound like Al-Qaeda. That sounds like Al-Abama." "More people are being cremated to save money. Dying is so expensive many people are putting it off indefinitely. I'm going to have half of me cremated and strewn over the ocean, and half buried in the earth. It's the surf 'n turf special." "Employees with mustaches earn about 8% more, unless they're strippers." "A Texas woman lived in an apartment with her dead boyfriend for a week. Know why he didn't marry her? Cold feet." Ten @ Ten with Ludacris: 4. What's the first thing you do in the morning? "Tell her she has to get out."

Jimmy Kimmel: "First, to my son Kevin, you can come out of the box in the attic now. We'll go for a balloon ride some other day." Jimmy thanked guest Ed Norton for taping a skit with their parking lot security guard Guillermo. Ed: "I've worked with all the greats: Brando, De Niro, Guillermo."

Wednesday, October 21

Note: Jimmy Kimmel was also live last night, but Comcast decided not to include audio on ABC, and my computer can't play the videos on ABC.com.

Jay Leno: The Yankees beat the Angels ten to one. They were so far ahead, the Yankees even put in a few American players. Also, today was Whitey Ford's birthday. That's something you don't hear at a Yankees game these days, 'Hey, Whitey!'" "The feds will no longer prosecute medical marijuana users. Instead of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, it's Don't Ask, Don't ... What were we talking about?" "It's Kim Kardashian's birthday, otherwise known as Ass Wednesday." "And Snoop Dogg turns 38. He beat the spread. If you want to give him a gift, you can't go wrong with clean urine." "The Miss USA Pageant is suing Miss California to get back the $5,000 they paid for her boob job. She's suing them too. It's a case of tit for tat. They also want the implants back, which would leave her flat busted."

Go to http://www.robertisbothered.com/ to watch Jimmy Fallon play pouty actor Robert Pattinson being bothered by several things.

Thursday, October 22

Jay Leno: "The generals are worried that the Administration is trying to fight on two fronts: Afghanistan and Fox News." "The White House wants executives in bailed-out companies to take 90% pay cuts. Why can't we get the same sort of deal for Congress?" "Roman Polanski's lawyer says he does miss holidays in the U.S., like Take Your Daughter to Work Day." "Wal-Mart fired a security guard for chasing a guy, since there's no running allowed in the store. Unless Immigration shows up, of course." "Osama bin Laden's first wife has written a book about him. Wait until his pals find out his wife was literate." "A woman lived in their apartment with her dead boyfriend for a week. That's nothing. Larry King's wife has been doing it for years." "A judge ruled that Craigslist can run ads for hookers, escorts and masseuses. At last a story with a happy ending." "The 2006 Miss New Jersey is smoking medical marijuana to control her asthma. Smoking to control asthma? Does she also eat at Taco Bell to cure her diarrhea?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama wants to cut the pay of executives in companies that took bailout money by as much as 90%. The executives say they destroyed the world economy last year, so they shouldn't be penalized this year." Jimmy's whole crew volunteered to build a house for Habitat for Humanity. Jimmy used his caulking gun on security guard Guillermo, who said, "Jimmy put his caulk all over my mustache."

Friday, October 23

Jay Leno: "A Northwest flight overshot its destination by 150 miles, and there's speculation the pilots may have been asleep. In their defense, the movie WAS 'The Time Traveler's Wife.' Do the passengers get the extra 300 miles?" "The owners of the Dodgers are divorcing. Neither wants custody." "Deaths from hospital errors are four times the deaths from car accidents. So if you're in a car accident, don't let them take you to the hospital. Also, a woman in the hospital woke to find a male nurse fondling her. And she had a good HMO. If you have a bad HMO, it's the janitor who fondles you."
"This is what they said. This is what they meant" with Arsenio Hall. "Kanye West said, 'Beyonce had one of the best records of all time.' He meant, 'I need another glass of Hennessy.'" "He says, 'Say hello to my little friend.' He means, 'I'm sorry. This has never happened to me before.'" "A man says, 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.' He means, 'Girl, you still here!?'" "On the Statue of Liberty it says, 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.' It means, 'Welcome, Wal-Mart employees.'"
10 @ 10 with Michelle Obama: 6. Jay: "Would your husband rather have world peace or have the White Sox win the World Series?" Michelle: "I'd have to say he'd pick world peace." Jay: "And that's more likely to happen too."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Annie Leibovitz just took the First Family's portrait. Oprah was looking particularly good." "And speaking of the Balloon Boy, unlike the Kardashians and the Pratts, at least the Heenes did something to become famous. They sent an imaginary kid up in a balloon." "Today there was a protest against unsafe sex in porno flicks. It sets a bad example for the kids, I guess."

Comic Nick Griffin: "What did Brad Pitt do, pull a thorn out of God's paw?"

Monday, October 26

David Letterman: (The first half of the monologue wouldn't load, although the preceding ad ran perfectly.) "The Balloon Kids are so embarrassed that now when the Balloon Mom drops them off at school, they make her park the balloon two blocks away." "Ivanka Trump got married over the weekend, and her father Donald Trump actually hired Mayor Bloomberg to be the little man on the cake. Donald said the day was so beautiful it reminded him of this third wedding. Lot of pressure on the groom. Next morning his performance is going to get evaluated in the boardroom, and he might get fired. An embarrassing moment at the reception. That thing on Donald Trump's head caught the bouquet." "Talk about taking a hot one in the eye, Sarah Palin is going to appear on Oprah instead of our show."
Top Ten Northwest Airlines Pilot Excuses: 9. "We get paid by the hour." 8. "MapQuest always takes you the long way, am I right, people?" 7. Tired of that showoff Sullenberger getting all the attention." 6. "You try steering one of those airplanes after eight or nine cocktails." 5. "Wanted to catch end of in-flight movie." 3. "According to our map, we only missed target by half-an-inch." 2. "For a change, decided to send luggage to the right city and lose the passengers." 1. "Thought we saw Balloon Boy."

Jay Leno: "A Malaysian woman gave premature birth on an AirAsia airplane, and she and the baby will get free flights for life. If that happened on an American plane, she'd have been charged for an extra ticket and extra carryon luggage." "President Obama's a good golfer. You know what his handicap is? Joe Biden." "A man got a prescription for medical marijuana for relief of hemorrhoids. Wow! How hard do you have to suck on THAT joint?" "Steve Phillips of ESPN was fired for having sex with his assistant. He should have had a late-night show."
Headlines: "Peculiar Man Seriously Injured." Ad for an "uptight piano." Ad for a Lexus with "climax control."

Jon Stewart: "Ecce No Homo:" "The Catholic Church is attracting Anglicans upset at having gay and female clergy."

Stephen Colbert: The picture was upside down for the first part of the show because the world is upside down. George Will, who was "bow tied to tradition," has switched to a long tie.

Conan O'Brien: "There's now a Balloon Boy Halloween costume. You get a balloon, a cardboard box, and two seriously messed up parents." "President Obama had been criticized for only playing basketball with other men, so today he played golf with a female aide. Fox News, of course, reported, 'Obama plays a round with another woman.'" "Donald Trump's daughter was married at a country club, and she also converted to Judaism. And was promptly ejected from the club." "Latoya Jackson said Michael has been calling to her from beyond the grave. Turns out it's just Tito from the basement." "Somebody stole just one shoe from a shoe store, so police arrested a one-legged man after a high speed hop." "A Minnesota man was arrested for driving a motorized La-Z-Boy drunk. He pled guilty to living the American dream." "There's a new Broadway play based on Run DMC. It's designed to appeal to inner city old gay white people." "Paris Hilton jumped out of her boyfriend's birthday cake. Then five guys jumped out of Paris." Guest Kathy Griffin, who's dating Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston for publicity purposes: "Levi's 19 and I'm 27, and sometimes you have to peek outside your box. Ooh, I think I feel a baby kicking. I'm not saying I'm pretending to be pregnant by Levi Johnston for publicity ..."
The new state quarters: "Michigan: Use this quarter to buy Detroit and get five cents back." Colorado has a picture of the Balloon Boy family: "Colorado: The new a-hole capital of the world."

Jimmy Fallon: "The last time the Yankees played the Phillies in the World Series was 1950 when the price of a hot dog was only $17. And there's structural trouble with the new stadium. They haven't seen cracks like that in Yankee Stadium since Darryl Strawberry retired." "'Paranormal Activity' is the top movie. It's about a couple with a camera in the bedroom. It gets really scary when she wants to talk about the relationship" "A Malaysian woman got free airfare for life for having a baby on a plane. It's the people next to her who should get the rewards." "A woman set a new world record for walking 20,000 laps around her nursing home. It would have been more, but she finally found her room."

Craig Ferguson: "This weekend I watched USC vs. Oregon State. The Trojans dominated the Beavers." "'Paranormal Activity' is number one at the box office. If something is paranormal that means there's no scientific explanation. How does Donald Trump keep that thing on his head? How do Baldwins walk on their hind legs?"

Tuesday, October 27

David Letterman: "I look on Halloween as a chance to get rid of my old stale Easter candy. I'm ready for Halloween. Earlier today we tested the electric fence." "You know the World Series bets? If the Yankees win the mayor of Philadelphia will send us a case of cream cheese. Mayor Bloomberg says, 'I have six billion dollars. What do I need with a case of cream cheese?'" "Those Northwest pilots couldn't hear the cockpit radio over the noise of the margarita blender. Northwest is offering a new Anywhere Plan. For $100 you get a ticket to wherever the pilot wakes up." "Turns out the CIA once recruited Fidel Castro's sister Juanita to help them bring down her brother, and the same thing happened in World War II with Hitler's sister, Darlene Hitler. Here's a photo of Juanita Castro."

"Remember when Fidel slipped and fell? They think Juanita, Fidel's sistro, waxed the floor." "Sarah Palin's book has already been given approval by the Federal Drug Administration as a sleep aid. Sarah Palin is going to appear on Oprah, which makes sense. They both helped Obama get elected."
Top Ten Signs You Are Watching a Bad Ghost Movie: 9. The only "Boo!" you hear is the audience yelling at the screen. 5. Creature absent from film for 80 minutes while working on his laptop. 4. Creepy sounds turn out to be improperly loaded dishwasher. 3. Ghost haunts people for attention so it can get a reality show deal. 1. Evil spirit does all of its haunting via Twitter.

Jay Leno: "Have you seen the new Northwest Airline commercials? 'We go the extra 150 miles for you.'" "There was a lot of fraud in those starter loans for new homeowners. Even four-year-olds got approved. Which is good news for the Gosselin kids. They can get away from Jon and Kate." "In Texas they were fining drivers for not being able to speak English. If they did that in California we'd solve the budget crisis. Even the Governor doesn't speak English." "Sportscaster Steve Phillips was fired from ESPN for violating the unzipped fly rule. The only time I screw my employees is at Christmas bonus time." "Marijuana can be used to treat hemorrhoids. That seems weird, using pot to cure a crack problem." "China's biggest cloning pioneer has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least they think it's him." "'Time Magazine' says the rhythm method of birth control is green, It doesn't use the earth's resources. But your pregnancy test results will be blue."

Jon Stewart: "Eff'dghanistan: Senator John Kerry talked with the Afghan president for twenty hours straight and got him to agree to new elections. That must count as water boring."

Stephen Colbert: "George W. Bush gave a speech at a packed motivational seminar. Audience members said his speech wasn't very good, but it was a vast improvement over the last time he packed a stadium." (Showed picture of New Orleans stadium with Katrina refugees.)

Conan O'Brien: "George Bush debuted as a motivational speaker. Many of the audience members were so motivated they left halfway through." "A lesbian book is being banned from school libraries. The title is 'Horton Hears a Melissa Etheridge Album.'" "A woman was arrested for smuggling cocaine in her wheelchair, which was going 185 miles per hour." "All of the McDonald's restaurants in Iceland are closing, which is bad news for fans of the Salted McHerring."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Dr. Oz is on the show tonight. Is it bad when your doctor's last name is the same as a program about prison rape?" "'Paranormal Activity' was made for $15,000. They couldn't afford special effects, so they actually had to murder their friends." "President Obama has declared a swine flu emergency. Republicans immediately came out in favor of swine flu." "Levi Johnston, who pulled that great hoax on Sarah Palin by getting her daughter pregnant, is posing nude in 'Playgirl' to prove that the cold in Alaska doesn't cause shrinkage."

Jimmy Fallon: "Bush gave a motivational speech. He said he hoped it was inspirationalistic." "President Obama has been criticized for playing sports in a boys' club atmosphere, as opposed to Clinton where it was a gentlemen's club atmosphere." "The Michael Jackson movie 'This Is It' opens tonight. They picked that title because 'Paranormal Activity' was already taken." "Iceland's three McDonald's restaurants had to close because of competition from Bjorker King." "In Las Vegas a 20-year-old guy won the $20,000 Monopoly Championship. Then he spent all the money on community chests." Guest Artie Lang: "One critic said I had all the charm of a date rapist, and Norm MacDonald said, 'That's great, man. A date rapist has to have a lot more charm than a regular rapist.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Today is Navy Day. So if you like water and adventure, consider joining the Navy, or entering a wet T-shirt contest. I don't know if I could take the Navy Ñ rum buggery and the lash. Say what you will, you don't get uncomfortable silence like this other places on TV. Uncomfortable silence is what we have in place of a band."

Wednesday, October 28

David Letterman: "A study shows New York subway trains habitually run late. This morning guess who got off. Amelia Earhart." "They arrested a woman for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets, and it's illegal because it was within 500 feet of the stadium. For Knicks tickets she'll give you a light backrub. Alex Rodriguez is having a great post-season, and people say it's because of his girlfriend Kate Hudson. And to think, the Yankees had once been about to trade her for Reese Witherspoon. The Yankees have that big payroll; they can afford Kate Hudson. All the Phillies can afford is Kirstie Alley." "Sarah Palin's going to be on Oprah. On the one hand you have a powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand you have Sarah." "Regis Philbin attended Donald Trump's daughters wedding. He gave the couple a generous check for $5, and he also sang. An embarrassing thing, while Regis was singing, that thing on Donald Trump's head started to howl."

Jay Leno: "A woman offered to have sex for World Series tickets for herself and her husband. I know. Is she horrible or the best wife in the world?" "When Northwest Airlines says their flights are nonstop, they mean it." "In his new autobiography Andre Agassi reveals he used crystal meth in 1997. Also, at Wimbledon he played on grass."

Conan O'Brien: "A popular Halloween costume is a vampire version of Barack Obama called Baracula. There's also a vampire version of Dick Cheney called Dick Cheney." It was Andy Richter's birthday, but Andy offended Conan, who said, "You're not getting your present now. I'll have that pony shot." Andy: "We can have a barbecue." "Police are advising parents to find out where registered sex offenders live before sending their kids out trick or treating. It's a shame, too, because sex offenders traditionally have the best candy." "Kate Gosselin says she wants to do movies. It's not enough for her to ruin just television."

Jimmy Kimmel: "It was so windy in L.A. today that people were having trouble keeping their medical marijuana lit." "The Michael Jackson movie 'This Is It' has different names in foreign countries. In China, for instance, it's called 'Man with Prosthetic Nose Grabs Crotch.'" "Andre Agassi admits that in 1997 he used crystal meth. What's much more surprising is that John McEnroe didn't."

Jimmy Fallon: "Visibility was so bad at LaGuardia today the Northwest pilots couldn't see their laptops." "Steve Phillips of ESPN told the sex for tickets lady he'd even throw in a hot dog." "The least popular costume this Halloween will be Slutty Joe Biden." "A study shows that women's faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers' The study was conducted by The Institute of Wrong Things to Say to Your Wife."

Craig Ferguson: "The Barbie people are coming out with a new Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken. To make up for his lack of genitals they've given this little dog. From the way he looks I think he'd rather have G.I. Joe at the end of that leash." "Remember how people were lining up for Tickle Me Elmo and then for Buzz Lightyear? This year it's swine flu vaccine."

Thursday, October 29

David Letterman: "Bobbing for apples. That's a short trip to swine flue, isn't it? Or as Dick Cheney calls it, appleboarding. You go to Dick Cheney's house trick or treating, he's one of those guys who tells you you're going to have to spend the night because the bridge is out. A lot of people dressing up early for Halloween. Like last night the Yankees went as the New York Mets. And today George Steinbrenner fired Kate Hudson. Alex Rodriguez struck out three times. Four times if you count at home. A woman in got arrested for wanting to trade sex for World Series tickets. Then the whole thing turned out to be a misunderstanding, but she did ask if she could keep the handcuffs." "Anyone fly in on Northwest Airlines? Where were you supposed to go? Those pilots took as long to land in Minnesota as Brett Favre."

Jay Leno: "A-Rod called to congratulate the Philly who got two home runs, and Kate Hudson answered the phone." Bandleader Kevin: "That's three home runs." "Virgin Air is opening a bank called Virgin Money. They already have their first three customers, the Jonas Brothers. The bank makes you promise to marry them before they let you make a deposit." "A driver hit a man and then drove a mile with the guy stuck in his windshield. He claimed he just wanted to use the carpool lane." "Jon Gosselin is going to be in a reality show dating the Octomom. It'll be called 'America's Two Biggest Losers.'" "A woman lived in an apartment with her dead boyfriend for a week. Some women just can't take a hint." "At least Northwest Airlines has had fewer failed pilots this year than NBC."

Jon Stewart: Guest Wanda Sykes: "A clump of hair supposedly from Elvis Presley sold for $17,000. Somewhere there's a guy with shaved balls and a new car laughing his ass off."

Stephen Colbert: "Speaking of things that used to be popular, Barack Obama. He promised to close Gitmo, but we can't move those terrorists to American prisons. We need those for black guys caught smoking weed."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama has approved a plan to pay Taliban members to switch sides and support us. Today 10 million unemployed Americans joined the Taliban." "Authorities are waiting to arrest the Balloon Boy's father until they have more evidence. It's hard to bring a case when you only have 53,000,000 witnesses." "Someone in Arkansas stole two tractor trailers full of tampons. Do you really want to face a thief who needs two tractor trailers full of tampons?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "The best way to avoid swine flu is to go to a lot of strangers' houses and eat candy out of communal bowls."

Jimmy Fallon: "Last night the Yankees went disguised as the Mets. I was going to buy a ticket to the game, but my loan was denied." "The health care bill is two thousand pages long. To put it in terms our audience can understand, that's five billion tweets." "Hillary Clinton is so mad that Bill kept her from being chosen as Vice President that she made him move from the couch to her bed." "CNN's Lou Dobbs called police about shots fired at his house. Police have narrowed the suspects down to fifty million Latinos."

Craig Ferguson: "At his trial a San Diego thief threw poop at the jury and was sentenced to 31 years. To be fair, he did have a long crap sheet, and he got doo doo process." "The Republic of Turkey was founded on this day in 1923 after the Ottoman Empire collapsed, when too many people put their feet up on it. I went to Turkey once. I got there on the gravy boat. Then I took a hookah back to the hotel."

Friday, October 30

David Letterman: "This weekend is the New York City Marathon, the only marathon with a smoking break. Every Friday before the marathon I ask myself, is it too late to bet on the Kenyan?" "Tomorrow night is the big Greenwich Village Halloween Parade, five thousand guys dressed as Amelia Earhart, Sarah Palin, Tina Fey, Barbra Streisand, Cher, Bette Midler, Liza Minnelli, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Tori Spelling, and Fred Nigro." "Have you seen the Amelia Earhart movie? Turns out she was just stranded on Jet Blue. Actually, she was missing for a long time and then was found hiding in Balloon Dad's attic." "Sarah Palin's new book 'Going Rogue' is a big book. It's good for standing on to get to a better book. It comes in the regular edition and then large print for former running mates. Not only is Sarah appearing on Oprah, for more publicity she's getting loose in a balloon." "George Bush now has a new career as a motivational speaker. And who better to motivate you than a guy who invaded the wrong country and got us into a depression? President Bush will also be speaking on flipping condos. But I think he'll be a great motivational speaker. Look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat." To guest Regis Philbin: "We got a call from LaGuardia. Your tie in interfering with incoming flights." Dave had a pie fight with Regis.

Kids in costumes trick or treating: The frozen head of Ted Williams stuck on a can of tuna fish, as in the recent scandal.

Top Ten Signs You're At A Lame Halloween Party: 8. Scariest thing at the party is the expiration date on the onion dip. 6. Balloon Boy just urped all over the rug. 3. "Bobbing for apples" inadvertently becomes "bobbing for the H1N1 flu virus." 1. Guy in Bernie Madoff mask leaves with your wallet.

Jay Leno: " It's Halloween. Have you noticed that the fatter the little girl the more she wants to be a ballerina?" "Roman Polanski is in jail and missing the best time of the year. It's home delivery. The children come right to your door." "Steve Phillips of ESPN is in rehab for sex addiction, and it must be serious. He's in the John Edwards Wing. He suffers from Oh-Oh-Oh-CD. When regular guys have sex addiction they just come home to find their baseball cards shredded and all their clothes in the driveway on fire. How ugly must the nurses be in sex addiction rehab?" "You know that woman who offered sex for World Series tickets on Craigslist? An Oakland woman has offered to have sex with anyone who'll take her Raiders tickets. Sex for tickets sounds much better than cash for clunkers." "Now we're paying members of the Taliban to switch to our side. It's moolah for mullahs." "Virgin Airlines is opening a bank called Virgin Money. It's for people who've never been screwed by a bank before." "Herpes can cause you to lose your memory. If you're married it can also cause you to lose half your stuff." "Great White Moments in Black History: In 1993 Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch broke up."

Conan O'Brien: "Some people are complaining that Halloween costumes are getting too sexy. These people are known as 'not men.' A lot of people are economizing this year by wearing last year's costume again. That's why I'll be going as a lady astronaut in a diaper. How quickly we forget." "We are going to start paying Taliban members to switch over to our side. We're paying 72 virgins and a dental plan." "There's a rumor that when Bill Clinton went to North Korea the man he met with was actually an actor playing Kim Jong Il. At least now we know what happened to Margaret Cho." "The internet is now 40. Of course on the internet it's 16." "In Somalia a 112-year-old man just married a 17-year-old girl. The priest said, 'until death do you part' and then pulled out a stopwatch." "KFC is coming out with a meal in honor of John Madden. It features two giant breasts."

Jimmy Kimmel dressed as Big Bird: "I was just out in the parking lot making a big poop on all your windshields. We're all Sesame Street characters. Guillermo is dressed as Elmo, which in Spanish is El Mo." "Halloween teaches kids two valuable lessons. It IS all right to take candy from strangers, and it's best to do it after dark." Jimmy showed people in hybrid costumes: Spider Manny Ramirez (who'd been bitten by a radioactive Bob Marley), Doc Octomom, Michael Vicks Vaporub, Ronald McDonald Trump, Tick Cheney, Cod Blagojevitch and Jon & Kate + Bait.

Jimmy Fallon: "It's the 71st anniversary of Orson Welles' airing of 'War of the Worlds' when Americans were so gullible they thought we were being attacked by Martians. No one's that gullible today. 'Look, there's a boy in a balloon.'" "A thief stole two tractor trailers full of tampons. Police are looking for a woman with a huge wastebasket under her bathroom sink." "Sarah Palin's finances have been revealed. She owns a service that helps the elderly. Last year she helped an old man lose an election." Guest Wanda Sykes: "On my new show we'll play inappropriate games. Like we'll read a little newspaper clipping, and you have to guess whether the story's about somebody gay, black or crippled. Or we'll show you a picture and you have to guess homeless or French." "This year I'm going as Don't Touch Me Elmo."

Craig Ferguson: "CNN is now last in cable news. However, thanks to Larry King, they're #1 in farting." "The Olsen twins, Mary Kate and Osama, have come out with a new clothing line, Abercrombie & Bitch." "Costumes from the movie 'Twilight' are popular this year. I remember when vampires were scary, not twinks with six-pack abs." "When I watch porn all I keep thinking is, these people must be freezing." Guest Lauren Graham: "If all you're going to talk about is porn and farting that's not your best foot forward, is it?" Craig: "It is, however, knowing your audience."

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.