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Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live: "The government will bail out Wall Street while doing nothing for Main Street. And, as usual, Martin Luther King Boulevard is on its own." "A man was arrested for taking his pants off before going into a doughnut shop. He said it was so he could carry more doughnuts."
Larry the Cable Guy on Comedy Central: "Tulsa spelled backwards is a slut. And a slut backwards is $100."
Dave Letterman: "John McCain has no use for Bush. Wait, I'm thinking of Clay Aiken."
Jay Leno "Headlines": A menu had "Seizure salad." On a prescription bottle: "Vaginal gel: Apply to face once daily." Newspaper story: "John Tesh tells a lot of self-defecating stories." On a truck: "Jones Drilling. Your hole is our goal." Jay Leno: "The O.J. trial is really going fast. At this point in the first trial they were still weeding the smart people from the jury." Guest Ellen DeGeneres: "I like marriage. Now I can go off the pill. Kids? I don't think so, even though they are little moneymaking machines, selling their pictures and all."
Craig Ferguson: "Yesterday the market plunged 700 points. Today it's up 500. It's like Oprah's weight." "They keep talking about Wall Street and Main Street. Listen, there are people on Sesame Street living in garbage cans!"
Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin has agreed to pose nude for Playboy, as long as there's no interview." "Today the President of Iran said there are homosexuals in his country. 'Unfortunately,' he said, 'I had to find out the hard way.'" "A man is suing his doctor for stapling his rectum shut. The judge threw the cast out and tore the man a new one."
Dave Letterman: "Wells Fargo is merging with Regis." "John McCain also told Custer the surge was working. McCain's an optimist. He sees the glass as half full Ñ of his teeth." "Obama was going door to door talking with voters. It was embarrassing when he rang the doorbells on two of McCain's houses." "I liked the split screen at the debate. On the left you had a black man. On the right you had an older white man. It looked like a Michael Jackson before and after photo." "Joe Six-pack called Joe the Plumber and said, 'What are you trying to pull?'" "I'm ready for Halloween. Today I went out and tested the electric fence." Guest Sarah Silverman: "I think we should leave 'under God' in the pledge of allegiance, but add air quotes." Guest Martin Short: "I'm doing Atkins. Not the diet. His widow." "On the Democratic ticket we have a black man. On the Republican ticket we have a white woman who never met a black man." Guest John McCain, whom Dave had given hell for standing him up a week earlier: "I haven't had so much fun since my last interrogation." Guest Tina Fey: "Now people are calling me 'Tina Feylin.'"
Jay Leno: "Dyslexia can make your hair turn gray. Or gary." "That Sarah Palin. Guys all want to find her golly gee spot."
Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin stopped her motorcade at a store today so she could get diapers. John McCain was completely out." "A drunk passenger was arrested for grabbing the pilot's testicles. He should have known the airlines no longer give out free nuts."
Craig Ferguson: "It was a good debate. McCain didn't poop himself until the end."
Joel McHale of The Soup called Hugh Hefner with his new 19-year-old twin girlfriend "Hefneratu."
Jon Stewart: "Joe the Plumber has already given more interviews than Sarah Palin."
Josh Brolin hosting SNL: "I was in No Country for Old Men, a movie about John McCain." Seth Meyers: "The breakup of Madonna and Guy Ritchie is said to be caused by A-Rod, who just broke up with his wife of six years, Derek Jeeter." Amy Poehler: "Two women who've always been like sisters have discovered they are sisters. Now they're doing all they can to forget that one night in college."
Craig Ferguson: "Ironically, Mr. Blackwell will be buried in a suit he once said he wouldn't be caught dead in." "Gen. Powell's endorsement of Obama isn't surprising. McCain has had a lot of Colin trouble." "Sarah Palin says it's hard for her daughter Bristol to find a wedding dress that doesn't clash with the shotgun." "There's a proposition on the California ballot to stop cruelty to animals. You can still spank the monkey, but only when it's naughty. And when isn't it?" "I'm for gay marriage, mostly because of Ellen DeGeneres. Remember how upset she got when she had to give back the puppy?" "Last year California legalized gay marriage. Now they're going to make it illegal. They're switching as fast as Anne Heche." "Harrison Ford won a poll as Best Fictional President. Second was George W. Bush." "I like IHop. Pancakes are like sex. It's better to leave it to the pros. And lots of butter."
Joel McHale on The Soup: "Like Sarah Palin I'm wearing a $150,000 outfit. My underwear is made out of vintage baseball cards. Sorry, Cal Ripkin, you have another streak going." "The Yankees are trading A-Rod to Kansas City just to f**k with Madonna. In her divorce they have to decide who keeps the British accent, check out the Malawi return policy, and fight over who has to keep the rights to Swept Away 2." When they showed a scary photo of the 'Original Supermodel' Janet Dickinson: "You've got to keep your face away from the heater." On every show when The Soup shows a picture of 16-year-old Miley Cyrus with her 19-year-old hottie boyfriend a female voice calls out, "It's still a felony!"
Comedian Kirk Fox on Comedy Central: "I was in a cafe in Nepal, a guy sits down like it's a speed date, says, "I'm gay, have millions of dollars, have my own jet, a fantastic house ..." I said, "You had me at 'I'm gay.'" He said, "Really?" I went, "No, but I thought it would be funny." He said, "Would you have sex with me right now for $100,000?" I said, "Wait a minute. I don't know what you may have heard about me, but I don't have $100,000." "Speaking of that, when I'm swimming I love it when the blowfish attack. 'Where's Kirk?' 'He's been at the beach for like a month and a half.' I was assaulted by a bottlenose dolphin. No penetration, but there was intent. A year later I saw him again. He still had my underwear on his nose." "Condoms always say 'for her pleasure.' If they said 'for his pleasure' you'd open the package and it'd be empty."
Jim Gaffigan on Comedy Central: "I can't believe I'm going to work on my birthday. I can't believe I'm doing laundry on my birthday. I can't believe I'm paying for sex on my birthday."
Chelsea Handler on E! network: "San Francisco legalized gay marriage, and now they're going to legalize prostitution, because married people need prostitutes." "If A-Rod does hook up with Madonna, in three months he'll grow an ovary." Chelsea's assistant Chuy is going as Madonna's daughter for Halloween. "I already have the mustache."
Conan O'Brien: "In Scotland there's a 72-year-old stripper. Her Highlands are down with her Lowlands."
Daily Show headline: "Extremist Makeover:" Jon Stewart: "Sarah Palin was given $150,000 in clothes by the GOP. She charged Alaska $17,000 for living in her own house. They're a family of grifters! The hot one picked up an elderly victim."
Stephen Colbert: "McCain mentioned Joe the Plumber so often I was afraid he's addicted to crack. The only friend he didn't mention was George the President." "Larry Flynt has made a porn movie with a look-alike called 'Nailin' Palin,' and now he's doing 'Ridin' Biden.' I'll just point out Joe is at the bottom of the ticket."
Seth Meyers on SNL: "Sarah Palin charged Alaska $21,000 to take her kids along on a trip. It was necessary, though. When she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant."
The Sarah Silverman Show had a roomful of angry Japanese women scolding a white gay guy because he'd thought a full release massage meant you "took a crap."
Jay Leno: "Oliver Stone's film W, after a week in theaters, is $1 trillion in debt." "Headlines" had an ad calling a book "a copulation of short stories." "Scientists have found a way for women to have orgasms in three minutes. Guys say, 'Get it down to a minute and a half, we can do it together." Guest Chris Rock: "Britney still hasn't got her kids back. White kids, they take 'em at the first sign of danger. In Texas they took a whole town of white kids. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown got to keep their kids." About a guest Jay said, "He's one of seventeen kids. He's here tonight with his mother-in-law. His real mom can't stand up." "Nicolette Sheridan broke up with Michael Bolton and is now seeing David Spade. Everybody's downsizing."
Jon Stewart: "Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber are both going rogue. The Secret Service is yelling, "The salmon is swimming upstream! The septic tank is overflowing!"
Chelsea Handler on E!: "Why do you think the Jonas Brothers' purity rings are worn down so much on the inside?" "Of course redheads have more sex. They can't go outside."
Craig Ferguson showed a group of Sarah Palin strippers. "Forget Nov. 4. I'm pulling my lever tonight." "In Las Vegas you can see Liberace's real clothes, and in jail they have the real O.J."
Stehen Colbert headlined a story on the newly convicted Senator Stevens: "Baked Alaskan."
Dave Letterman reported on Senator Stevens, "Authorities were tipped off to the corruption by Russians watching through binoculars." "Sarah Palin's getting a reputation as a diva. Last night she made a LensCrafters close down for an hour so she could shop alone." [A couple nights later Dave hired actors to see "How Many Sarah Palins Can We Get into a LensCrafters?" The answer was 16.] "Regis is on the show tonight. He's been in our make-up department since noon." "The winner Nov. 4 then meets Hillary in the finals." "Cloris Leachman got voted off Dancing with the Stars, so now Madonna is the world's oldest dancer." "President Bush called to congratulate the Phillies on winning the World Series. Luckily they had caller i.d." "In the final scene of Barack Obama's half=hour infomercial he was adopted by Angelina Jolie." "We don't have to turn our clocks back. George Bush has already turned them back to 1929." "For Halloween Mom always sent me out as a tramp Ñ the lipstick, the fishnet stockings."
Comic Ted Alexandro on Comedy Central:"MIchael Jackson is just a mom and pop pedophile operation. The Catholic Church is the Microsoft."
Paul F. Tompkins on VH1's Best Week Ever: "Cloris Leachman went straight from Dancing with the Stars to the hospital for hip-hop hip replacement."
The Onion headline: "Microsoft ads cause t.v. screens to go black."
A shot I took on Noe Street in San Francisco
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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.
What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007
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