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Relive History the Fun Way
Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Friday, September 28
Jay Leno: "In an upcoming interview, in the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true. She says she has never had sex with a woman no matter how many times Bill has begged her to."
Dave Letterman: "CBS has some tremendous new programs — don’t miss CSI O.J."
Monday, October 1
Dave Letterman: "The hookers in Times Square are offering a Mets special. For an extra $50 they'll blow it." Guest Barry Sonnenfeld of Pushing Daisies says his motto is "Live in fear." On good days it's "Cling to the wreckage."
Jay Leno: "In Argentina an 82-year-old woman married her 24-year-old boyfriend. Instead of a shower her friends threw her a bridal sponge bath." Headlines: Ad for "Camel Tow Service."
Conan O'Brien: "Today is the first day American citizens are required to have a passport to get into Mexico. Previously all you needed to get into Mexico was a hankering for diarrhea."
Craig Ferguson: "Orlando Bloom may be off the market. He was seen canoodling with Jennifer Anniston. I think he was lured in by the faint smell of Brad Pitt." "Before I saw that Pam Anderson sex tape I didn't even know Tommy Lee was Scottish." "You're sitting there watching TV, and you have a Hungry Man in your lap."
Tuesday, October 2
Dave Letterman: "Beautiful day in New York City. It was so nice today, the Mets were actually choking in the park." "President Bush says he’s finally going to take action now on global warming. He became very alarmed when another chunk of ice broke off his mother."
Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Can Boost His Approval Rating
"7. Help O.J. find the real memorabilia."
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday a judge ruled that Britney Spears’ children would be better off if they went to live with Kevin Federline. Legal experts say it’s the first time a judge began a ruling with, 'I can’t believe I’m saying this but . . .'" "To make matters worse, one of the Mets’ players is being accused of taking steroids. Apparently, he’s being accused of taking them incorrectly."
Craig Ferguson: "It’s Sting’s birthday! Not only Sting’s but Kelly Ripa’s too. Sting, Kelly Ripa, both lovely, both different. One is a sexy blonde perky love machine I’d like to wake up with in the morning, and the other is Kelly Ripa." "Tonight’s the premier of Cavemen. It’s about three cavemen who share an apartment: Fred, Barney, and Fabio. There were three different types of cavemen: the Cro Magnons, the Neanderthals, and, before the Neanderthals, the Baldwins."
Wednesday, October 3
Rob Riggle of The Daily Show on being a Blackwater mercenary in Iraq: "All the action of the Marines with less oversight than a carny."
||Dan Savage on The Colbert
Report: "Many gay men are happy to assist straight-identified
closeted men in many ways."
Stephen Colbert has a new book: I Am America (And So Can You).
Thursday, October 4
John Oliver on The Daily Show on Bush's veto of health care for poor sick kids: "Those kids don't want a handout from the government. They want health coverage from where they work."
Dave Letterman: "Michael Jackson's bride will wear a cream strapless gown. Which means Michael lost the coin toss."
Conan O'Brien: "President Bush’s daughter Jenna says she doesn’t want to get married in the White House; she wants her wedding to be in Crawford, Texas. When asked why, Jenna said, 'I want my dad to be there.'" "The Iraqi government has ordered $100 million worth of weapons made in China. An Iraqi official said, 'Yeah, we’re hoping that China makes weapons that are as half as deadly as their toys.'" "Charlie Sheen's ex-wife claims he sent photos of his erect penis to at least thirty women on the internet. I've seen the photos, and now I understand the title Two and a Half Men."
Craig Ferguson: "There’s an article in Parade magazine encouraging Ben Affleck to run for president. That would mean the first lady would be Matt Damon." "Cal State University is considering a ban on perfume and cologne and even scented deodorants. It’s going to be like Europe over there!"
Friday, October 5
Joel McHale of The Soup: "Britney has lost her kids, and once K-Fed proves incapable of taking care of them, custody passes to the Speaker of the House." "The loser on Rock of Love complained she had Bret Michael's name tattooed on the back of her neck. Joel: "Where it'll be read upside-down by other aging band members for years to come."
Dave Letterman: "A 24-year-old Argentina man married an 82-year-old woman. They were registered at Crate & Casket. On their wedding night he kept whispering, 'Sign the will.'"
Jay Leno: "They now have scans to replace colonoscopies. Sen. Larry Craig said, 'Call me old fashioned, but ...'" "Brokeback Mountain is being made into a Broadway musical. It'll be called Seven Brothers for Seven Brothers." "Hillary Clinton says that she wants give every baby born in America $5,000. Today Michael Jackson said, 'I’ll make it $6,000.'”
Jimmy Kimmel: "U.S. Olympic track star Marion Jones has admitted that she used steroids. She denied it for years, and people began to suspect something was up when in 1998, she entered her scrotum in the 100 meter hurdle."
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, Sen. Larry
Craig announced that he is not going to step down because he is still
able to work effectively with his fellow senators. Sen. Craig’s exact
quote was, 'No one reaches across the aisle like I do.'”
Saturday, October 6
Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live: "A convent in Italy was closed after three nuns got into a fight. God said, 'Come on, ladies, there's enough of Me to go around." "A book has been written which is supposed to be the life of Pope Benedict from the point of view of his cat. The title will either be White Hat Gives Food or Everybody Popes."
Monday, October 8
Alan to Charlie on Two and a Half Men: "You should go out with a girl who can use her head for something other than a place to rest her ankles."
Jay Leno: "The Atlanta Falcons are
planning to ask Michael Vick to return as much as $22 million in bonus
money. The Falcons are going to ask him, but I understand that Michael
Vick’s attorney is a real pit bull." "Senator Larry Craig, the man of
the peephole says he won't quit. You don't just flush a career like
that down the toilet." "The number one band in China? Led Zeppelin."
Headlines: "Two men arrested for possession of forearms." Restaurant ad
for "Surf & Turd." Headline: "Baptist students approve 54
Dave Letterman: "This week's the cat show at Madison Square Garden. If I want to see a bunch of pussies at the Garden, I'll watch the Knicks."
Craig Ferguson: "Pamela Anderson got married to Rick Salomon. I have no idea who he is. He says he has a great relationship with her twins . . . and he can’t wait to meet her kids." "It's Columbus Day. Why? The Indians were here. The Vikings had been here. Larry King was here, already on his third wife. Columbus had three ships, the Nina, the Pinta and the Regis. It was a leaky old thing, but it got you there."
Tuesday, October 9
Boston Legal had a nun testifying in a case about rooster fighting. "Holding that beautiful warrior cock in my two hands ..."
Jay Leno: "There was a mysterious fire in a restroom in the Senate. Larry Craig's scented candle tipped over and set his massage oil on fire." "Simon Cowell and Michael Jackson are collaborating on a reality show, Are You Hotter Than a Fifth Grader." "Somebody broke in and stole Britney Spears' sex tapes. That's what she gets for parking her house in a bad neighborhood." "According to Forbes magazine, the richest woman in China is a 26-year-old woman. Know what she does? She sells lead paint." "NBC is bringing back the show Night Rider. If you’re here in Los Angeles and you think you hear a car talking to you, it’s just an illegal in the trunk . . ."
Dave Letterman: "Today is day four in Pamela Anderson’s marriage. Bad news for me — I had three days in the office pool." "Ozzie Osbourne is auctioning off some of his personal items. For example, an antique sofa — $800. His medicine cabinet starts at half a million."
Jimmy Kimmel: "People are skeptical about Pamela Anderson's marriage. They said the same thing about her marriage to Kid Rock, and that lasted for weeks!"
Conan O'Brien: "Bette Midler is donating a park in a tough New York neighborhood, and it'll even have a Yellow Brick Road. Even poor kids deserve a chance to be gay."
Wednesday, October 10
Dave Letterman: "A counterfeiter tried to pass a $1,000,000 bill. And it was a sloppy job. The only thing he got right was the picture of Oprah."
Craig Ferguson: "National Coming Out Day is over, but it's never too late to take a crack at being gay." "Esquire magazine named the sexiest woman alive: Charlize Theron. She had some tough competition: Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Orlando Bloom . . ."
Thursday, October 11
Jon Stewart: "Taco Bell has opened their first outlet in Mexico. They had to change their slogan, 'Run for the border.'" "My guest tonight is Howard Kurta, inventor of the kurtzy."
Jay Leno: " To make sure there were no embarrassing incidents at the Republican debate, I understand they had three security guards posted at every bathroom stall." "If Al Gore wins the Nobel he may run for president. Would Bill Clinton support the man who was under him for eight years or the woman who was under him once?" "Taco Bell now has an outlet in Mexico City, giving Mexicans another reason to flee their country." "Kiefer Sutherland, star of 24, is going to jail for 48 days for a DUI. Phil Spector said, 'Whew, thank God I only murdered somebody.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "It looks like Heather Mills is set to hop away from Paul McCartney with over $60,000,000."
Dave Letterman: "The world’s first pornographic photo, believed to be taken sometime in the 1800s, is being auctioned off. I got a look at it, and I just want to say, 'Wow! That Joan Rivers was hot!'"
Conan O"Brien: "Scientists have discovered an organism that has managed to survive despite the fact that it hasn’t had sex in millions of years. Scientists discovered the organism at a Star Wars convention." "The world’s oldest bowler turned 106. When asked how he feels, the bowler said, 'At 106, I’m just trying to keep my balls out of the gutter.'”
Craig Ferguson: "Today is National Coming Out Day. It only comes once a year. Don’t make us wait another year, Ryan Seacrest." "Yesterday Bobby Brown had a mild heart attack. He’s doing fine. He’s breathing though a pipe. No change there."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Today is National Coming Out Day, a day when people who are gay are encouraged to tell their families and friends that they are gay. It leads to next month’s National Uncomfortable Thanksgiving With Your Ultraconservative Relatives Day. I've already come out twice today." "Kiefer Sutherland is going to jail for 48 days for a DUI last month. Unlike Nicole Richie, he won’t be getting out 20 minutes into it. They sentenced him to that brutal Chinese prison he was in at the start of season five."
Friday, October 12
Joel McHale on The Soup: "Where will Kiefer Sutherland's new jail cellmate go as soon as he sees him?" Then they showed a clip of Oprah proclaiming, "Straight for the penis!" Joel: "A twice-divorced sex tape star can marry another divorced sex tape star between magic shows in Las Vegas, and gay people can't get married." They showed a clip of a woman on a hospital show saying, "My hoo-hah is broken." Joel: "Does 'hoo-hah' mean 'script?'"
Comedian Demetri Martin on Comedy Central: "The piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals." "I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
Craig Ferguson: "I was born during a blackout. My mother's." "I have a book-on-tape of Old Yeller, read by Michael Vick." Guest: "I get to go see what the President's job is." Craig: "And if you find out, will you tell him?"
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win a Nobel Peace Prize
"2. You're known for invading Iraq without an exit strategy."
Saturday, October 13
Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live: "New York is trying to be bike friendly. San Francisco is both bike friendly and bike curious." "Doctors can now transplant cadaver scalps to bald guys. The only side effect so far, vultures."
Monday, October 15
Daily Show title for Nobel story: "Gore and Peace." They showed a clip of President Bush making the obligatory congratulatory call: "I hear you won a prize. Did it come with an Oval Office, heh heh?"
Stephen Colbert feature "Nobel Fleeced Prize." Stephen: "I didn't win a Nobel Prize. I guess I bought all that dynamite for nothing."
Jay Leno: "Abigail van Buren, better known as Dear Abby, says she's for gay marriage. This came as a tremendous shock to gay people — they had no idea she was still alive." "Senator Larry Craig has been inducted into the Idaho Stall of Fame. He's going to tell his side of the story tomorrow night here on NBC, because NBC has such a fine reputation and 'Matt Lauer is so dreamy,'" "Our entire NBC Burbank facility has been sold. Even the peacock went to Sizzler." "Kenny Rogers has won a Country Music Award for Best New Face." "A Pepsi delivery guy punched a Coke delivery guy at a Wal-Mart. Luckily, Dr. Pepper was there." "Brokeback Mountain is being made into a Broadway musical. No word on who gets top billing and who gets bottom billing. It's going to be called Lasso My Asso." Guest Jake Gyllenhaal said a woman called him Jake Gooberballs. I said, "If you only knew, lady." Headlines: Recipe: "Bake on a cookie sheet for 20 to 40 minutes, depending on how big your breasts are."
Dave Letterman: "Al Gore now has an Oscar, an Emmy and a Nobel Prize. But what he really wants is a Latin Grammy."
Conan O'Brien: "In a recent interview, Sen. Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he’s now in 'the toughest fight of his life.' Then Craig added, 'Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.'” "This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on The View. It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said, 'Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.'”
Craig Ferguson: "Drew Carey got engaged over the weekend! It’s true! There’ll be a moment of silence at strip clubs all across America."
Tuesday, October 16
Jay Leno: "Earlier tonight, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig was on Matt Lauer. Matt was able to push him off. The interview was conducted in Sen. Craig’s home in Idaho. Beautiful home — four bedrooms, 29 bathrooms. Craig has just been inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame, but I don't know if it was as a pitcher or a catcher." "Barbara Walters is going to interview Don Imus. I wonder if she'll ask him, 'Are you a wacist?'" "In Paul McCartney's divorce Heather Mills is getting $100,000,000 and custody of Ringo." "Brokeback Mountain is going to be a Broadway musical. It'll be like Oklahoma, only not as gay." "Britney Spears had to turn herself in for leaving the scene of an accident—her performance in Las Vegas."
Dave Letterman: Guest Johnny Twain: "I said, 'Who told you you could fool around with my wife?' He said, 'Everybody.'"
Craig Ferguson: "There’s a divorce fair going on in Vienna. This is the first time the words divorce and fair are being used together in the same sentence. It’s going to be a two-day extravaganza with lawyers, and mediators, and private detectives, fun-filled rides with signs on the rides that say, 'You Must Be This Bitter to Go on This Ride.' What would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion? Mr. Toad's Wild Ride with His Secretary? I Need Some Space Mountain?"
Wednesday, October 17
Dave Letterman: "Obama and Cheney are cousins, but Obama didn’t inherit the family sneer." "Condoleezza Rice is trying to broker peace between Palestinians and Israelis, and that's about as doable as she is."
Jimmy Kimmel: "This morning the Dalai Lama was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contribution to peace, human rights, religious understanding . . . unfortunately, he later was stripped of his medal after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs. I’ve been saying for years that Buddhism needs a more comprehensive steroid policy." Guest Orny Adams, with new CD Path of Most Resistance, said. "I'm so liberal I support gay stem cell research."
Conan O'Brien: "Lance Bass said one of the first people he told he was gay was Britney Spears. "It was the only way to keep her from showing me her vagina."
Thursday, October 18
Jay Leno: "Gold? Invest in Chinese lead. It's in everything. China, of course, was not happy with the U.S. honoring the Dalai Lama. They’re very upset about it. In fact, they are threatening to quit pirating our movies and DVDs for a whole week." "We had straight people, gay people, white people, black people. It was like a Cheney family reunion." "A guy came into a KFC with a shotgun. At first the manager assumed he was just rat hunting." Guest Jerry Seinfeld: "If you're going so fast you need brakes on your walker, perhaps you've been misdiagnosed."
Dave Letterman: "A woman in Brooklyn found a 7-foot python coming out of her toilet. Usually when you find something coiling around your leg in a restroom it's Senator Larry Craig."
Conan O'Brien: "Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife said that Vice President Cheney is actually a distant cousin of Barack Obama. At first Obama was skeptical, then he remembered that his great-great grandmother once had a demon out of wedlock." "O.J. says it's ridiculous to think he'd ask people to bring guns. Everybody knows he's a knife guy." "Why did Lance Bass at first assume two other members of 'N Sync were gay? They were in 'N Sync." Conan to guest James Lipton: "So you were a French pimp?" James Lipton: "Absolutely not. I was an American pimp who lived in France."
Craig Ferguson: "Orlando Bloom rear-ended someone in L.A. this week. It wasn't me, but I can dream." "Perump, Nevada, the only town named after a fart." "Last time I stayed in Vegas my room had a stripper pole. I was furious. I hadn't brought my thong. And those poles should be strong enough to hold a 175-pound man. And me."
Friday, October 19
Joel McHale on The Soup: "After her doggie adoption crisis Ellen has is taking a long weekend to go hunting." Joel showed a clip of Meredith on The View asking Jake Gyllenhaal, "When you signed up for Brokeback Mountain did you know what you were sitting on?" Jake: "Well put." Joel: "And now he's trying to put it behind him. Pow!"
Female comic on Comedy Central: "Tomorrow I have my first date with the guy I've been sleeping with for a year."
Chelsea Handler: "If you're a lesbian, who pays for stuff? The guy who's watching, I guess, but what if he's not there?"
Best Week Ever on VH1 showed the model who fell into the gaping hole in the runway left by a martial artist: "It's easy to catch a model. You don't even have to put leaves over the hole."
Dave Letterman: "I'm all ready for Halloween. Today I got up early and tested the electric fence." "On this day in 1901 boxer shorts were invented, which has certainly made life easier for Rosie O'Donnell." "I love football. I like to drink beer in my underwear and yell at the TV. Then they throw me out of Applebee's." "I saw Al Gore in a bar last night yelling, 'Who wants a Nobel Prize piece of ass?'" "Singer Bob Dylan recently admitted he can't understand what he says either."
Jay Leno: "A new study found that
screeners at L.A. International Airport missed 75 percent of the big
bombs that were sent through the line as tests. However, they did
confiscate 100 percent of people’s water bottles which forced them to
buy new ones at the airport gift shop."
Conan O'Brien: "Men were upset to learn Viagra can cause hearing loss, but now there's a hearing aid that gives erections."
Craig Ferguson: "In karate a black belt beats a yellow belt. I have a turquoise belt with spangles, because I can take any man."
Leah Garchik "Public Eavesdropping:" "I never understood why Pavarotti was chasing Princess Diana."
Saturday, October 20
Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live: "To prove there are no homosexuals in Iran, here's the Iranian version of The Village People. It's just some people who live in a village."
Monday, October 22 (All the late night shows are in reruns this week except Jimmy Kimmel.)
Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men: "Advertisers are all using rock songs now. Who's going to pay me to write a Tampax jingle when they can just play 'Stuck in the Middle with You?'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "All of California is on fire. The smoke is so thick in Malibu, you can barely see Britney Spears’ vagina." On ESPN Emmet Smith called a guy an "escape goat," so Jimmy had a goat tied outside his studio with a red light on its head. "Today Dumbledore's wife appeared with him on Matt Lauer to deny the gay allegations."
Tuesday, October 23
Jimmy Kimmel: "A million people had to be evacuated from their homes in California. The fires are all over. They even had to evacuate the Promises rehab center, which means there are now a couple dozen drug addicted celebrities on the loose. They’re being sheltered temporarily at Andy Dick’s house."
Wednesday, October 24
Jimmy Kimmel: "This week Britney Spears ran over another photographer. If she hits one more she gets a free medium Slurpee at 7-Eleven."
Thursday, October 25
My Name Is Earl: Frank: "I've always had trouble saying good-bye to chicks. Maybe it's because my grandmother breast fed me too long." In prison Earl gets a blind conjugal with a woman who turns out to have a penis. Earl: "If I were in here for thirty years maybe I could justify it to myself, but I'm only in for two." The date says the change is half done and opens her shirt. Earl shrugs and reaches for her breasts.
Jimmy Kimmel: "This has been the biggest evacuation in California history, breaking the record set in 2003 by the airlift of 700,000 children fleeing Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch." "President Bush arrived in San Diego this morning where he met with Gov. Schwarzenegger. Our fate is in the hands of the only two politicians who don’t speak English."
Friday, October 26
Michael Musto on MSNBC: "Britney's made the world her gynecologist."
Joel McHale on The Soup, after the clip of Marie Osmond fainting and ending sprawled out on the floor: "Now we may know how she ended up with eight kids." On Kid Rock's fight in a waffle house: "It's the first time since his split from Pamela Anderson that the Kid has ended up bruised and covered with syrup." Oprah had a gay special where she interviewed an Indian prince who didn't want to have sex with his new bride. Oprah: "So did you tell her you had a headache?" Prince (surprised): "Yes, I did." Joel: "Good one, Oprah. Is that what you tell Stedman?" There was a clip of Tyra interviewing a stripper whose cop father works security when she does house parties. Then there was a clip of the reality show where men and women compete for a bisexual. Joel; "Go figure. The lesbian won the pie eating contest."
Monday, October 29
Jay Leno: "This year I’m just going to drop my pants around my ankles and go as Idaho Sen. Larry Craig." "Brokeback Mountain is being made into a Broadway musical called Oklahomasexual."
Dave Letterman: "Did you watch the World Series? The Colorado Rockies went down faster than Marie Osmond. Aides told President Bush that he should congratulate the Red Sox. Poor guy's so confused he went to the top drawer of his dresser." "It's so cold the thing on Donald Trump's head went into hibernation."
Conan O'Brien: "Here’s an odd one: Argentina’s first lady was elected the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new 'first spouse.' Or as President Bill Clinton calls him, 'My future wing man.'”
Craig Ferguson: "I saw a Drew Carey game in Las Vegas. You know you’ve made it when there’s a game named after you. It was called 'The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.'”
Tuesday, October 30
Stephen Colbert: "Bill O'Reilly is taking a break from being frightened to death by Dumbledore's flaming wand."
Jay Leno: "Lot of candidates getting into the Halloween spirit. Today, John Edwards said he was going to get a $15 haircut and go as someone from the other America." "Even FEMA employees are celebrating Halloween. They’re all getting dressed up as reporters this year." "Turns out taking Viagra can also make you hard ... of hearing."
Dave Letterman: "The marathon is this weekend in New York City. Along the route they have those portable toilets — or as Sen. Larry Craig calls them — singles' bars." "Being a N.Y. Yankee's manager is a lot like being a Pamela Anderson husband. You know you're going to be replaced, but it's a great ride."
Conan O'Brien: "In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said cannabis is not a drug. Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, 'Cannibals need a hug.'” "A man in Europe set a world record by solving a Rubik's cube in 58 seconds using only one hand. Then he went home and celebrated, again using only one hand." Celebrity questionnaire: "I had to leave my childhood home when ... Larry King said, 'The entrance to our cave was blocked by a glacier.'"
Craig Ferguson: "Not a good day for Hillary Clinton. She was criticized by Mitt Romney. He was saying that she has no experience; he called her an intern. It’s ridiculous! If she was an intern, Bill would be sleeping with her." "My favorite horror movie? My Best Friend's Wedding."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Britney's new album is called Blackout, and it’s expected to debut at No. 1 on the Billboard charts. They’re expecting it to go gold, then go platinum, then go bald."
Wednesday, October 31
Rob Riggle on The Daily Show: "Kids. Next to oil, they're our most valuable resource."
Dave Letterman: "Joe Torre, formerly of the New York Yankees, signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Who wouldn’t take earthquakes and wild fires over George Steinbrenner?" "Happy Halloween! I used to hate it. My mom used to dress me like a tramp—hair, makeup, the works." Guest David Spade said Hugh Heffner at the Playboy Mansion was "a little like Weekend at Bernie's."
Craig Ferguson: "Last Halloween I went as a banana. People said I looked like an overripe fruit. And that was before I put on the costume." "Last year I went to a West Hollywood party . . . the guys there really dressed up. One guy was like Judy Garland and one tiny guy was dressed as Tom Cruise. To be fair, I think it was Tom Cruise."
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