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San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd
quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb).
Strange de Jim's
I'll tweet you when the new
Letterman 5, Ferguson 5, Fallon 4,
Kimmel 1, Handler 1, O'Brien 1
Wednesday, November 30
(Letterman in reruns.)
10. Craig Ferguson: In a prison in
Florida guards were busting dozens of strippers posing as lawyers so
they could give lap dances to the drug lords. Officials can't believe
that these women were so desperate for money they degraded themselves
by pretending to be lawyers.
9. Jimmy Fallon: Pros & Cons of Holiday Shopping: Pro: The songs on
Justin Bieber's new Christmas album feature many guest performers. Con:
"What Child is this?" features a DNA sample.
8. Conan O'Brien: The Kardashian sisters are among Barbara Walters'
Most Fascinating People of 2011. This marks the first time Barbara has
done a sarcastic prime-time special.
7. Jimmy Fallon: The NYPD has stopped and frisked 500,000 people this
year. If they do just 1,000 more they'll tie Herman Cain.
6. Jay Leno: Horse meat is now legal for human consumption. McDonald's
has a new Quarter Horse with Cheese. You won't say neigh. The McRibs
will be huge. Conan O'Brien: McDonald's immediately came out with the
5. Jimmy Kimmel: How many of you are here just because you got kicked
out of Occupy L.A.? The police shut down the camp, so it's time for the
homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And
at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack
4. Jimmy Kimmel: The Kardashians and Donald Trump are on Barbara
Walters' list of 10 Most Fascinating People. I think her fascinometer
might be broken.
3. Conan O'Brien celebrity tweets: George Clooney: It sure is tough
being handsome, rich, and universally respected. I don't know how Conan
2. Conan O'Brien celebrity tweets: Demi Moore: The bad news? I'm
divorcing Ashton Kutcher. The good news? I get custody of him!
1. Craig Ferguson: guest
David Sedaris (quoting someone): One in three Americans weighs as much
as the other two.
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart explains Earth's history
to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.
Page 83 - Mourning: When a person died his
family, friends and a sallow-cheeked formaldehyde-scented man they just
met organized a funeral. This ceremony was a chance for the living to
say goodbye, albeit a few days too late. With his body looking on, the
departed would be eulogized, his good points emphasized, his bad points
glossed over, his soul's current whereabouts confidently asserted. This
provided the bereaved with closure, and the unbereaved with credit for
Tuesday, November 29
(Letterman in reruns.)
10. Conan O'Brien: Dr. Conrad Murray
has been sentenced to 4 years in prison. And the really bad news is
that it's the prison in the Philippines where all the inmates do that
9. Jimmy Fallon: A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that
lasted 13 years. I don't know who the accuser is, but I think we can
rule out Kim Kardashian.
8. Craig Ferguson guest Margaret Cho: In British comedy clubs I'd get
booed on sight. They were still mad I'd broken up the Beatles.
7. Craig Ferguson: I don't care much about underwear so long as it
keeps my thighs from chafing on the pole.
6. Jimmy Kimmel: Another woman has come forward. Herman Cain is
starting to look like a black Tiger Woods.
5. Jay Leno: A man in Virginia was arrested for secretly filming his
mother-in-law undressing. And you thought YOUR wife was mad when she
found your porn collection.
4. Stephen Colbert: The new woman says it was consensual, so compared
to the other ladies, where Cain went after their genitals like a
dachshund going after a ball under the couch, this is a step up.
3. Conan O'Brien: A vodka company is in trouble because its billboards
say "Christmas quality, Hanukkah pricing." It's still better than their
last year's slogan, "Tastes like Ramadan."
2. Stephen Colbert: With Herman Cain we're up to he said, she said, she
said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say.
1. Conan O'Brien: Herman
Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer
behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because there's
never any room under him.
Jobs by Walter Isaacson
Monday, November 28
(Letterman in reruns.)
10. Jimmy Fallon: A man in Georgia was
arrested for burglary after he left his Facebook account open on the
victim's computer. But a nice thing, he's only been in jail a few
hours, and already his status has changed to "In a relationship."
9. Craig Ferguson: I like going to big box stores that cater to women
with large vaginas.
8. Jimmy Kimmel: Today is Cyber Monday, which is Black Friday for
people too lazy to put on pants. A survey found 60% of workers shopped
online at work today, while the other 40% looked at porn, I guess.
7. Jay Leno: There's a new personal lubricant that smells like bacon
called Bacon Lube. Remember when you only had to worry about catching
an STD? Now you have to worry about a grease fire. And if you don't
have a partner, they have Bacon Jerky.
6. Jon Stewart guest Merrill Markoe: What's bad for childhood trust
issues is great for stand-up comedy. I was raised by a heckler.
5. Conan O'Brien: Syphilis has dropped in the U.S., probably because
"Jersey Chore" taped in Italy.
4. Stephen Colbert: Today is Cyber Monday, so last night I camped out
in front of my computer.
3. Craig Ferguson: In Peru today a small town mayor claimed the
drinking water in his town is turning people gay. Is he crazy? There's
no way water can turn people gay, unless that water's first been poured
over a shirtless Ryan Gosling.
2. Jay Leno: The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw
Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle.
1. Chelsea Handler: I just
want my underwear to stop incoming traffic.
Apple iPad 2 16GB
vacation Thanksgiving week.
Friday, November 18
(Only Letterman, Leno,
Fallon & Ferguson live.)
10. Jay Leno: The Republican candidates
were asked to name their favorite movies. Ron Paul picked "No Country
for Old Men." Rick Perry chose "Clueless." Michele Bachmann chose "One
Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," and Herman Cain chose "Snatch."
9. Jay Leno: A man on trial in Washington State had already stabbed his
two lawyers with a pencil. Now he's stabbed his new lawyer with a pen.
The judge said, "You've stabbed 3 lawyers. You've paid your debt to
society. You're free to go."
8. David Letterman: Rick Perry is an environmentalist. He's now using
solar power to run the Texas electric chair.
7. Jay Leno: Women who have sex 4 or more times a week look 10 years
younger. Hence that old saying, "She's as youthful as a $2 hooker."
6. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, cheap bottles of wine, or as I like to call
5. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, the TSA, for celebrating your 10th birthday
this month. I got you a very special package, mine.
4. Jay Leno: A professor of human sexuality assigned masturbation as
homework. At least it's better than making it an in-class assignment. I
just realized, in junior high I was taking college-level courses.
3. Jimmy Fallon: A woman is suing Gary Busey over an incident where he
drunkenly tackled her at an airport. When asked why he got drunk and
tackled a stranger, Busey was like, "You're going to have to be more
2. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, the term "Sexiest Man Alive," for raising
the question, if the word "Alive" weren't there, would someone
different have won?
1. Craig Ferguson: Regis
has a new book: "How I Got This Way." I don't need a book to tell me
how Regis got this way. He was born. He was dropped on his head. The
San Francisco Chronicle asked me to
act out some of my favorite quips from Herb Caen's column, 1972 - 1997.
I was afraid I'd look silly. Silly me.
Thursday, November 17
10. Jon Stewart: Correspondent Sarah
Vowell: The day after Thanksgiving is Evacuation Day. No, Jon, it
commemorates the last of the British troops fleeing Manhattan at the
end of the Revolutionary War in 1783. Americans are so good at starting
wars. How about celebrating how we used to be able to end one. Then
when Abraham Lincoln established Thanksgiving, Evacuation Day became
like one of those shows on opposite "American Idol."
9. David Letterman, The Problem to All Your Solutions: Regis asked me
to be on his final week of shows. It was quite an honor, even if he did
keep calling me Conan. It was part of my court-ordered community
8. Jimmy Fallon: 33% of Americans have broken up with someone using
Facebook or text messages, while 33% of Kardashians have broken up with
someone using TMZ.
7. Jay Leno: To earn extra money Queen Elizabeth will be renting out
one of her palaces during the Summer Olympics for $50,000 a night. But
for that you get beer pong with Prince Philip, afternoon tequila with
the Queen, and a lap dance from Camilla Parker-Bowles.
6. Craig Ferguson: In New York the Occupy Wall Street people blocked 3
subway stations today. Take that, all you fat cats who ride the subway
all day. You're next, people who use the internet at the public
5. Jay Leno: There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime DOES
4. Jimmy Fallon: PETA released a Thanksgiving ad for children that
compares eating turkeys to eating their pet dogs. Or as kids in China
put it, "So?"
3. Craig Ferguson: Teenagers start smoking because they think it makes
them look cool. Listen, teenagers, smoking doesn't make you look cool.
What makes you look cool is bullying classmates who are different. CBS
2. Craig Ferguson: Remember the video of the 2-year-old Indonesian kid
who was smoking? That made me sad. I said, "Why is that kid taking a
smoke break? He should be putting together my iPhone."
1. Craig Ferguson: Kissing
a smoker is like licking a cat's butt. Don't ask me how I know that.
Call me, Garfield. Quitting smoking is hard. "Who's that guy licking
that cat's butt?"
Wilde and the Vampire Murders by Gyles Brandreth, Simon &
Page 10 - [Oscar]: "It is, of course,
the second editions of my books that are the true rarities."
13 - [Oscar]: "By night? Oh, by night, he claims to be a vampire."
35 - "It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. You
know that, Arthur."
Wednesday, November 16
10. Conan O'Brien: Regis is retiring
this week, so Vice President Joe Biden stopped by and gave him a gift
of a bagful of tennis balls. When I retire, don't tell Joe Biden. Andy
Richter: Apparently Joe Biden thinks Regis is an Irish setter.
9. Conan O'Brien: The bathrooms at Starbucks will now only be for
employees, which explains why today every customer who ordered a vente
asked for an extra cup.
8. Jimmy Kimmel: Gayle has quit her show on the Oprah network to do a
new morning show for CBS. Gayle unfriended Oprah. That's dangerous. I
hope she doesn't accidentally slip in a patch of Oprah's favorite body
butter. Oprah claims she's thrilled for her. I don't know. I wouldn't
want to be a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream right about now.
7. Craig Ferguson: "People" magazine named Bradley Cooper the Sexiest
Man Alive. I suppose that's all right, in a parallel universe where
there's no Ryan Gosling.
6. Jimmy Fallon: There's an upscale club in New York where members can
eat beaver tail, hard-boiled duck eggs and lamb eyeballs. Or you can go
the cheaper route and just order the McRib.
5. Craig Ferguson: Last week President Obama was in Hawaii. Now he's in
Australia. Next week he's in Indonesia. I think he watched the
Republican debates and went, "This is going to be a piece of cake," and
went on vacation. That's not true. It's not a Pacific Rim vacation.
It's a Pacific Rim job.
4. Jay Leno: A professor of sexuality assigned masturbation to his
students as homework. In his defense, in contrast to algebra, this is a
skill you'll use the rest of your life. Masturbation as a college
course. Rickey, you were on a full scholarship as I remember.
3. Jay Leno: Kim Kardashian has hired an acting coach. I guess this
will make the next marriage more convincing.
2. Conan O'Brien: Paris Hilton is more popular than Congress. And, like
Congress, Paris's maximum capacity is 500 members.
1. Jimmy Fallon guest
Martin Short: Steve Martin and I are very good friends. He was there
when all three of my children were conceived.
Jobs by Walter Isaacson
Tuesday, November 15
10. Conan O'Brien: A porn star read to
a group of 1st and 3rd graders in L.A. The people who are the angriest
about it are the 2nd graders.
9. Jimmy Fallon: Yesterday President Obama urged his supporters to
watch the Republican debates. Though legally he was forced to add, "But
not while operating heavy machinery."
8. Jon Stewart: Correspondent Jason Jones: Herman Cain's campaign
insists there are more women out there waiting to charge him with
harassment. They figure people can take a sex creep in the White House,
but not someone who says, "Libya, hmm," and just sits there.
7. Craig Ferguson: Chicken Margaret was a lady in Glasgow who used to
steal chickens. She'd go into the supermarket with a big dress on,
stick the chicken up her dress and pretend to be pregnant. But one time
there was a long checkout line, and the frozen chicken brought down her
body temperature so much that she fainted. "Oh, the pregnant lady is
having her baby!" That day she had the most delicious baby ever.
6. Jimmy Fallon: Today Rick Perry introduced a new plan to overhaul all
3 branches of government. Just as soon as he comes up with a plan to
remember all 3 branches of government.
5. Craig Ferguson: In L.A. we have different colored bins. Green is for
garden waste. The blue bin is for paper products, and the pink bin is
for old breast implants. They melt down the old boobies and make them
into lip injections and butt implants. It's the Circle of Life.
4. Stephen Colbert: Last night Occupy Wall Street protesters were
removed by Cesarean. The Founding Fathers never intended indefinite
free speech. They assumed after 2 weeks any protest would be wiped out
3. Jay Leno: Women having sex at least 4 times a week can look 10 years
younger. So THAT'S Betty White's secret!
2. David Letterman: Regis is retiring after 17,000 hours of television.
Or does it just seem that way?
1. Jimmy Kimmel: Herman
Cain flubbed a question on Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by
saying, "Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John."
by Tina Fey, Little Brown 2011
Page 57 - Let me start off by
saying that at the University of Virginia in 1990, I was Mexican. I
looked Mexican, that is, next to my fifteen thousand blonde and
blue-eyed classmates, most of whom owned horses, or at least resembled
71 - Donna was an enigma wrapped in bacon wrapped in a crescent roll.
Monday, November 14
10. David Letterman: Top 10 ways the
world would be different if everyone were named Newt:
8. Trump would be known as "The Newt."
7. Still have a tattoo of your
ex-girlfriend? No problem.
2. When you just say, "Newt" with no
last name, people know you're referring to Newt Winfrey.
1. You know who ain't going to be
President? Newt Perry.
9. Conan O'Brien: An L.A. elementary school is in trouble for letting a
porn star come and read a Dr. Seuss book to the kids. She read them
"The Cat in the Other Cat."
8. Jimmy Kimmel: Kat von D says Jesse James cheated on her with at
least 19 women last year. That's not cheating. That's hoarding.
7. Jimmy Fallon: A couple in Canada got married in front of a huge fire
that was burning down the chapel. The priest was going, "Does anyone
have any reason why these two should not be married? Except for God."
6. Jay Leno: To keep citizens from watching too much television, China
is placing limits on overly entertaining programs. Same policy we have
here at NBC.
5. David Letterman: Leonardo DiCaprio is a great actor. Not only does
he play J. Edgar Hoover, he also plays his twin sister Jill.
4. Craig Ferguson: Over the weekend President Obama was in Hawaii, his
"birth place." Ha ha.
3. Jimmy Kimmel: Oprah Winfrey was given an Oscar Saturday for her
humanitarian work. It's like if the Nobel committee suddenly gave
an award for Best Picture. Oprah said the Oscar will go up on her
mantel next to Stedman.
2. Stephen Colbert: I am addicted to all the Republican Presidential
candidates. They are all like crack, in that they will devastate black
1. David Letterman: People
are still talking about Rick Perry/s memory lapse. And it happened a
couple of months ago too, when he had trouble remembering the name of
his hunting camp.
Bohemian Girl by Kenneth Cameron, Minotaur Books, 2009
Page 87 - Women were still so completely covered that, despite a
tendency for skirts to creep up an inch or so, no hair was ever seen
except on their heads. One famous writer was supposed to have abandoned
his wife on their wedding night when he'd found she had pubic hair.
Friday, November 11
(Only Letterman, Leno,
Fallon & Ferguson live.)
10. Jimmy Fallon: Herman Cain said he
would beat Obama by "beating him with a Cain." Obama said, "I'm just
glad I'm not running against Anthony Weiner."
9. Jay Leno: President Obama attended the first college basketball game
ever played on an aircraft carrier. Don't confuse that with the NBA.
That's a bunch of guys not playing basketball on a sinking ship.
8. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, brisket, for sounding like either a manly
biscuit or a bitchy Triscuit.
7. Jay Leno: In North Carolina a former bank executive has pled guilty
to manufacturing methamphetamine. Her co-workers said they first became
suspicious when her office exploded. She quit the bank to cook meth,
and the worst part was, she was charging customers an extra $5 a month
if they paid with their debit card.
6. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, frosted glass, for letting me see just
enough to get the gist of what's behind you. You're like the scrambled
porn channel of windows.
5. Jay Leno: Herman Cain is going to be on David Letterman next week.
Cain and Letterman on the same show. Has there ever been a worse time
to be an intern?
4. Jay Leno: More bad news for Rick Perry. Tomorrow there's another
3. Jimmy Fallon guest Adam Sandler: On Thanksgiving I always carve the
turkey, and the relatives think I don't do a good job. So this year I'm
going to kill the turkey first.
2. Craig Ferguson: In England there are rumors that Prince William's
bride, Kiki Wigglesworth, is pregnant. Fess up, Justin Bieber.
1. Jimmy Fallon: Today is
11/11/11, a date so simple even Rick Perry can remember it.
You Notes by Jimmy Fallon
Thursday, November 10
Note: In the Republican debate Rick
Perry could only remember 2 of the 3 government departments he intended
to eliminate. Then he started the list over and could only remember 1.
After 53 seconds he finally said, "I just can't do it. Oops."
10. David Letterman: I worry about Rick
Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three
.. Oh crap, what was three? [Most hosts made the same joke.]
9. Jon Stewart: John Oliver on Rick Perry: That was more than a brain
fart. That was brain explosive diarrhea.
8. Conan O'Brien: A British rugby player said having a stroke made him
gay. I know it sounds crazy, but, actually, every time I catch a cold I
get a little bi-curious.
7. David Letterman: Top 10 Rick Perry excuses, delivered by Rick Perry:
2. I wanted to help take the heat off my
buddy Herman Cain.
1. I'd just learned Justin Bieber is my
6. Jay Leno: What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick
Perry? It only takes Lindsay 4-1/2 hours to complete a sentence.
5. Stephen Colbert: The President is deploying U.S. troops permanently
to Australia. I didn't even know invading them was on the table. But
it's a known haven for Al Koala. I can't wait to see our defense budget
go down the drain in the opposite direction.
4. Conan O'Brien: There was an awkward moment when Herman Cain turned
to Michele Bachmann and asked her what she was willing to do to
get the job.
3. Jay Leno: You know what you call a
Democrat who makes as many verbal gaffes as Rick Perry? Vice President.
2. Jimmy Fallon: After 30 seconds of
stuttering, Rick Perry said, "Oops." Incidentally, saying "Oops" after
30 seconds is why Justin Bieber has to take a paternity test. "Oops" is
the same thing being said by everyone who donated to Rick Perry.
Letterman: Today it's 61 and foggy, like Rick Perry. But it's nice to
see a guy running for President who's only groping for words.
Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011
Page 306 - And today, that is what I
look forward to. Time. Time to grow as an artist, businessman, and now
author. Time to love my wife and watch our young men grow to make us
proud, as I have no doubt they will. Time to watch them crystallize
into the strong, sensitive, witty, and engaging men they almost are.
The future is theirs. It's all so close for them. It takes my breath
Wednesday, November 9
10. Jay Leno: A Phoenix company has
come out with a beer for dogs. It's called Sniff My Butt Weiser.
9. Craig Ferguson: Yesterday Earth averted a disaster of massive
proportions. Yes, I almost had to serve on a jury, but then I was
excused. Something about dry-humping the judge. No, a giant asteroid
came within 200,000 miles of Earth. I was nervous. I was screaming,
"Not the face! Not the face!"
8. Jimmy Fallon: #Latenighthashtags: My dad's preparation for Hurricane
Irene was putting all the alcohol into a rolling suitcase.
7. Jimmy Kimmel: The December issue of "O Magazine" has 9 Oprah's on
the cover. When Stedman has a nightmare, that's what he sees.
6. David Letterman: It's obvious Greece and Italy have no money. When
you go to those places it's just ruins.
5. Jay Leno: RyanAir announced a pay-per-view pornography service for
passengers to watch. How much do they charge for a blanket on that
flight? But I guess you get to keep it afterward.
4. David Letterman: The economy loses $38 billion a year because of
people taking off work and sitting at home waiting for the damn cable
guy. So the cable companies got together and agreed to put on a 2nd guy.
3. Stephen Colbert: Italian debt threatens to swamp the Eurozone. I
knew they shouldn't have offered unlimited breadsticks.
2. Jay Leno: In Washington state a little girl got trapped in a washing
machine. It was filling up with water, and you can't open the door
while it's running. Her mother ran out to the car, grabbed a wrench,
broke the glass, and saved the girl. She's fine. She's in the dryer
1. David Letterman: Kris
Humphries is pretty broken up about Kim Kardashian filing for divorce.
He didn't know he was in a skit.
Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010
Page 465 - The guests were brought one
after another and introduced to her [Helen Keller]. As she shook hands
with each she took her hand away and laid her fingers lightly against
Miss Sullivan's lips, who spoke against them the person's name. When a
name was difficult, Miss Sullivan not only spoke it against Helen's
fingers but spelled it upon Helen's hand with her own fingers --
stenographically, apparently, for the swiftness of the operation was
suggestive of that.
... After a couple of hours spent very pleasantly, some one asked if
Helen would remember the feel of the hands of the company after this
considerable period of time, and be able to discriminate the hands and
name the possessors of them. Miss Sullivan said, "Oh, she will have no
difficulty about that." So the company filed past, shook hands in turn,
and with each handshake Helen greeted the owner of the hand pleasantly
and spoke the name that belonged to it without hesitation, until she
encountered Mr. Rogers, toward the end of the procession. She shook
hands with him, then paused, and a reflecting expression came into her
face. Then she said, "I am glad to meet you now, I have not met you
before." Miss Sullivan told her she was mistaken, this gentleman was
introduced to her when she first arrived in the room. But Helen was not
affected by that. She said no, she never had met this gentleman before.
Then Mr. Rogers said that perhaps the confusion might be explained by
the fact that he had his glove on when he was introduced to Helen. Of
course that explained the matter.
... I had to go away before it was over, and as I passed by Helen I
patted her lightly on the head and passed on. Miss Sullivan called to
me and said "Stop, Mr. Clemens, Helen is distressed because she did not
recognize your hand. Won't you come back and do that again?" I went
back and patted her lightly on the head, and she said at once, "Oh,
it's Mr. Clemens."Perhaps some one can explain this miracle, but I have
never been able to do it. Could she feel the wrinkles in my hand
through her hair? Some one else must answer this.I am not competent.
[Mark Twain became close friends with Helen Keller and spoke at
benefits to raise money to train the blind for paying jobs.]
Tuesday, November 8
10. Jimmy Kimmel: The Toronto Zoo has
two gay penguins named Buddy and Pedro, who spend all their time
together. Even though they have a loving relationship, zoo officials
plan to separate them and pair them with females for mating. It's like
9. Jimmy Fallon: A man in Florida was arrested for stealing a cardboard
cutout of Justin Bieber from a record store. He's facing a pretty
severe punishment: his friends finding that out.
8. Craig Ferguson: A great day if you like porn. A European airline is
considering adding porn to in-flight entertainment. The shocking thing
is, it's not Aer Lingus. It's Ryan Air. Here's a little advice for
them. If you do this, don't give out the free blankets. The rules for
porn are the same as for oxygen masks. You take care of yourself first,
before helping the other passengers.
7. Jimmy Fallon: Pros & Cons of being an NBA player during the
lockout: Pro: With no scheduled games, players don't have to travel to
30 different cities. Con: Unless they want to visit their kids.
6. Jimmy Kimmel: Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with
the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I'm sorry. We
had the wrong tape. Did Herman's wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?
5. Stephen Colbert: Herman Cain held a press conference to address the
sexual harassment accusations coming out of the woodwork. Incidentally,
his woodwork coming out is one of the things he's accused of. His
lawyer spoke, and then Cain took the podium, without asking the podium
whether it wanted to be taken.
4. Jay Leno: Over the weekend we gained an hour. I took advantage of
it. I went swimming immediately after eating.
3. Jimmy Kimmel: Tonight Nancy Grace was brutally eliminated from
"Dancing with the Stars," and she's not going to rest until she finds
out who did it. Thankfully, she'll be going back to doing what she does
best, which is not dancing.
2. Jimmy Kimmel: A 5th accuser came forward today. If this keeps up
it's unlikely Herman Cain will become President. But more and more
likely that he'll become Governor of California.
1. David Letterman: On the
bright side, just a few more mug shots and Lindsay Lohan will have
enough for a calendar.
Monday, November 7
10. Jay Leno: A 20-year-old woman filed
a paternity suit against Justin Bieber, claiming they had sex for 30
seconds. See, in spite of his wealth and fame, he's just a regular guy.
Wow, 30 seconds. He must have been thinking about baseball or
9. Jay Leno: Big news today on health care reform. Dr. Conrad Murray is
going to jail. They said the sedative he gave Michael Jackson was 5
times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech. Dr. Murray's sentencing
will be delayed long enough to let him finish his "Playboy" shoot.
8. Jon Stewart: As you know, a lot of Republican voters view Mitt
Romney as the Great White Nope and are desperately seeking a viable
alternative, even going so far as to pretend it might be Michele
Bachmann. Herman Cain emerged as the most likely alternative to the
Schnook of Mormon.
7. David Letterman: Lindsay Lohan was supposed to serve 30 days in the
slammer. Out in 5 hours. By God, that'll teach her. She would have been
out in 3 hours, but she spent 2 hours catching up with old friends. The
5 hours she was off the street and in prison, I felt much safer.
6. Craig Ferguson: It's very cold in here. Look at the audience. All I
see is nipples.
5. David Letterman: They found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty. Boy, that's
not the L.A. jury I know. Now they gotta do something about Dr. Phil.
4. Conan O'Brien: Some high school sex ed classes are going to start
including bestiality. One kid told his teacher, "My dog ate my
homework, and that's not all."
3. Jay Leno: Israeli doctors say a simple jolt of electricity to the
penis may cure impotence. It's bad enough you have to charge your cell
phone and your laptop. Now you have to plug your penis in before you go
to bed? I'll bet that was why Ben Franklin was flying that kite in the
2. David Letterman: So Michael Jackson's personal physician is found
guilty,while his plastic surgeon walks away free?
1. Craig Ferguson: Lindsay
Lohan went to jail to serve 30 days and was released after less than 5
hours. I guess that was all the guards could stand.
Chelsea Handler Told Me by Chelsea Handler's Friends, Grand
Central Publishing 2011
If you like being aghast, this is the book for you.
Friday, November 4
(Only Letterman, Leno,
Fallon & Ferguson live.)
10. David Letterman: Top 10 questions
to ask yourself before running the New York City Marathon:
9. How do I tell the difference between
the finish line and the crime scene tape?
6. Am I allowed to take a leak off the
9. Jay Leno: One of the Herman Cain women was paid $35,000 and another
was paid $45,000, so he's saying it just proves he can create
high-paying jobs for women. I'd like to see the women and find out what
the $10,000 difference was.
8. David Letterman: All Herman Cain's woman trouble started when he was
head of the National Restaurant Association, the NRA. He has 3 women
accusing him. I think it's like carry-on luggage. You should only be
7. David Letterman: The New York City Marathon has a unique flavor.
When they fire the starting gun, they immediately throw it in the East
River. It's the only marathon with smoking breaks.
6. Craig Ferguson: Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy have teamed up for
"Tower Heist." It's like Abbott and Costello, if Costello were skinny
and Abbott were into transsexuals. At least this movie title tells you
what to expect. I went into "Moneyball," Brad Pitt. I came out so
5. Jay Leno: Riverside County wants to make prison inmates pay room and
board. What if they don't? Do you kick them out?
4. David Letterman: Regis Philbin in two weeks will stop doing whatever
it is he does. Two more weeks. It was easier getting Khadafy out.
3. Jay Leno: An ESPN executive is accused of masturbating under his
iPad on a plane. I didn't even know there was an app for that. At least
it wasn't an iPhone.
2. Jimmy Fallon: A man called police
after a snake crawled ouut of the ATM he was using. The snake was
captured and returned to its position as the bank's CEO.
1. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you,
Kris Humphries, for not being able to keep up with the Kardashians.
by Walter Isaacson
Thursday, November 3
Letterman: The New York City Marathon will have 400 portable toilets.
All of a sudden doorways aren't good enough?
9. Jay Leno: Herman Cain's campaign is claiming Rick Perry is behind
all the leaking of the sexual harassment claims. I don't know. Does
Rick Perry look like he's smart enough to think of something like that?
8. Jimmy Fallon: CNN has launched a Spanish version of its website.
It's called YesNN.
7. Stephen Colbert: A report says New York City has shrunk more than 2
square miles. Come on, it's cold outside.
6. Conan O'Brien: The woman who claims to have had Justine Bieber's
lovechild says they had sex in a bathroom. Justin says he didn't know
they had sex. He just thought the baby sitter gave him a really good
5. Jimmy Fallon: Filene's Basement is filing for bankruptcy. Which
explains why the owner is now living in Filene's Parents' Basement.
4. Jimmy Fallon: There's a new iPhone app that allows you to pay for
things by saying your own name out loud. Which answers the question,
how can buying condoms get even more uncomfortable?
3. Jimmy Kimmel: Last night the Occupy Oakland protest got out of hand.
Demonstrators broke windows, hurled Molotov cocktails and chunks of
concrete. Police said it was the worst riot in Oakland since every
Raiders home game.
2. Jay Leno: New York City has unveiled the "cab of the future." It has
an ignition lock-out system. The cab won't start until the driver puts
1. Craig Ferguson:
President Obama was rated the Most Powerful Person in the World by
"Forbes Magazine." Nobody told Congress.
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart explains Earth's history
to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.
Page 82 - Death: Our final resting places are commemorated with
headstones. The larger and costlier ones memorialize people whose
children loved them more. Symbols denoting the deceased's religion were
a convenience aimed at making it easier for the angels to pick teams at
Wednesday, November 2
Letterman: Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt
Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.
9. Conan O'Brien: A California woman is suing Justin Bieber because she
claims he's the father of her 3-month-old love child. People who've
seen the baby says he looks exactly like Justin, only older. [Jay Leno
made the same joke, while Craig Ferguson showed a picture of a baby
with his face.]
8. Jimmy Kimmel: A 20-year-old woman has filed a lawsuit against Justin
Bieber, claiming he's the father of her 3-month-old son. It's Justin's
first paternity suit. They grow up so fast. This supposedly happened
backstage when she was 19 and he was 16 and a virgin. So if this did
happen, she committed statutory rape and wants to be paid a healthy sum
for it. [Showed clips of all the news anchors singing Justin's song
"Baby, Baby, Baby." That's taking over for Herman Cain's 9-9-9.
7. Jay Leno: Israel is talking about a preemptive strike on Iran. If
that happened it could wipe Kim Kardashian right off the front page.
6. Conan O'Brien: Since they can't get married in California, tomorrow
night here in New York we're going to perform a real live same-sex
marriage between two of our staff. This will be the first same-sex
wedding on late-night television, and I'll be officiating myself.
[Showed clips of about 20 newscasters saying "Conan O'Brien is about to
push the envelope on late-night TV."] Andy Richter: We've got to get an
5. Stephen Colbert: Bank of America will remove its $5 debit card fee.
Of course that comes with a $6 fee removal fee.
4. Jay Leno: Kris Humphries won't get a penny, because they had a
prenup. A prenup? They hardly had a nup.
3. Craig Ferguson: [The entire lesbian row was on stage.] They're all
from Australia, where lesbians go around the other way.
2. Conan O'Brien: The Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field
so they can hit more home runs. Excuse me. Call me old fashioned, but
isn't that what steroids are for?
1. David Letterman: No one will
know what went wrong in the Kim Kardashian marriage until they find the
black box. I've had Viagra side effects that lasted longer than 72
Conscious Catwoman by Julie Newmar
Page 66 -
Plant carrots in January and you'll never have to eat carrots.
Tuesday, November 1
Letterman: President Obama had his
physical today. His cholesterol is down, blood pressure down, approval
rating down. He's fit and eats healthy food, and Fox News says that
proves he's not an American.
9. Jay Leno Headlines:
Letterhead from U.S. Department of Health and Hyman Services.
Grocery ad: Turdey Gravy
8. Jay Leno: President Obama had his physical, and he's in excellent
health except for his blood pressure. It's 70 over 14 trillion.
7. David Letterman: Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use
the word "consensual."
6. Conan O'Brien: Since I left New York the Health Department has begun
grading restaurants based on cleanliness. The grades are A, B, C, D and
5. David Letterman: We had a lot of trick or treaters up at the house
last night. The reason I know, as I was leaving this morning, caught on
the barbed wire fence were a whole bunch of kids' costumes.
4. Stephen Colbert: If the protesters get to occupy Wall Street, I get
to put up condos in Yellowstone.
3. Conan O'Brien: Today Nissan introduced the New York "taxi of the
future." It features heated seats, lowered emissions and a willingness
to go to Brooklyn.
2. Conan O'Brien: The guy who owns this theater also owns the Knicks.
In other words, he's used to bringing in tall skinny guys who have
1. Jimmy Fallon: President
Obama wanted everybody to like his Halloween costume, so he went as
himself from 2008.
Apple iPad 2
Tuesday, November 1: Jimmy Fallon:
President Obama wanted everybody to like his Halloween costume, so he
went as himself from 2008.
Wednesday, November 2: David
Letterman: No one will know what went
wrong in the Kim Kardashian marriage until they find the black box.
I've had Viagra side effects that lasted longer than 72 days.
Thursday, November 3: Craig
Ferguson: President Obama was rated the Most Powerful Person in the
World by "Forbes Magazine." Nobody told Congress.
Friday, November 4: Jimmy Fallon: A man called police after a snake
crawled out of the ATM he was using. The snake was captured and
returned to its position as the bank's CEO.
Monday, November 7: Craig Ferguson: Lindsay Lohan went to jail to serve
30 days and was released after less than 5 hours. I guess that was all
the guards could stand.
Tuesday, November 8: David Letterman: On the bright side, just a few
more mug shots and Lindsay Lohan will have enough for a calendar.
Wednesday, November 9: David Letterman: Kris Humphries is pretty broken
up about Kim Kardashian filing for divorce. He didn't know he was in a
Thursday, November 10: David Letterman: Today it's 61 and foggy, like
Rick Perry. But it's nice to see a guy running for President who's only
groping for words.
Friday, November 11: Jimmy Fallon: Today is 11/11/11, a date so simple
even Rick Perry can remember it.
Monday, November 14: David Letterman: People are talking about Rick
Perry's memory lapse. And it happened a couple of months ago too, when
he had trouble remembering the name of his hunting camp.
Tuesday, November 15: Jimmy Kimmel: Herman Cain flubbed a question on
Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by saying, "Oh, I thought you
meant Libya Newton-John."
Wednesday, November 16: Jimmy Fallon guest Martin Short: Steve Martin
and I are very good friends. He was there when all three of my children
Thursday, November 17: Craig Ferguson: Kissig a smoker is like licking
a cat's butt. Don't ask me how I know that. Call me, Garfield. Quitting
smoking is hard. "Who's that guy licking that cat's butt?"
Friday, November 18: Craig Ferguson: Regis has a new book, "How I Got
This Way." I don't need a book to tell me how Regis got this way. He
was born. He was dropped on his head. The end.
Monday, November 28: Chelsea Handler: I just want my underwear to stop
Tuesday, November 29: Conan O'Brien:
Herman Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no
longer behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because
there's never any room under him.
Wednesday, November 30: Craig Ferguson:
guest David Sedaris (quoting someone): One in three Americans weighs as
much as the other two.
For each day's top
10 late-night zingers follow me on Twitter
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