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Strange de Jim entertained San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb). Strange holds the world record for Most Late-Night Jokes Absorbed, 1999 - Last Night

Strange de Jim's Nightly Top 10 Late-Night Jokes
November 2011

late night hosts

I'll tweet you when the new jokes are posted: @strangedejim


November Winners: Letterman 5, Ferguson 5, Fallon 4, Kimmel 1, Handler 1, O'Brien 1

Wednesday, November 30
(Letterman in reruns.)

10. Craig Ferguson: In a prison in Florida guards were busting dozens of strippers posing as lawyers so they could give lap dances to the drug lords. Officials can't believe that these women were so desperate for money they degraded themselves by pretending to be lawyers.

9. Jimmy Fallon: Pros & Cons of Holiday Shopping: Pro: The songs on Justin Bieber's new Christmas album feature many guest performers. Con: "What Child is this?" features a DNA sample.

8. Conan O'Brien: The Kardashian sisters are among Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People of 2011. This marks the first time Barbara has done a sarcastic prime-time special.

7. Jimmy Fallon: The NYPD has stopped and frisked 500,000 people this year. If they do just 1,000 more they'll tie Herman Cain.

6. Jay Leno: Horse meat is now legal for human consumption. McDonald's has a new Quarter Horse with Cheese. You won't say neigh. The McRibs will be huge. Conan O'Brien: McDonald's immediately came out with the Seabiscuit Biscuit.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: How many of you are here just because you got kicked out of Occupy L.A.? The police shut down the camp, so it's time for the homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack salesmen.

4. Jimmy Kimmel: The Kardashians and Donald Trump are on Barbara Walters' list of 10 Most Fascinating People. I think her fascinometer might be broken.

3. Conan O'Brien celebrity tweets: George Clooney: It sure is tough being handsome, rich, and universally respected. I don't know how Conan does it.

2. Conan O'Brien celebrity tweets: Demi Moore: The bad news? I'm divorcing Ashton Kutcher. The good news? I get custody of him!

1. Craig Ferguson: guest David Sedaris (quoting someone): One in three Americans weighs as much as the other two.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 83 - Mourning: When a person died his family, friends and a sallow-cheeked formaldehyde-scented man they just met organized a funeral. This ceremony was a chance for the living to say goodbye, albeit a few days too late. With his body looking on, the departed would be eulogized, his good points emphasized, his bad points glossed over, his soul's current whereabouts confidently asserted. This provided the bereaved with closure, and the unbereaved with credit for showing up.

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Tuesday, November 29
(Letterman in reruns.)

10. Conan O'Brien: Dr. Conrad Murray has been sentenced to 4 years in prison. And the really bad news is that it's the prison in the Philippines where all the inmates do that "Thriller" dance.

9. Jimmy Fallon: A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that lasted 13 years. I don't know who the accuser is, but I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian.

8. Craig Ferguson guest Margaret Cho: In British comedy clubs I'd get booed on sight. They were still mad I'd broken up the Beatles.

7. Craig Ferguson: I don't care much about underwear so long as it keeps my thighs from chafing on the pole.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: Another woman has come forward. Herman Cain is starting to look like a black Tiger Woods.

5. Jay Leno: A man in Virginia was arrested for secretly filming his mother-in-law undressing. And you thought YOUR wife was mad when she found your porn collection.

4. Stephen Colbert: The new woman says it was consensual, so compared to the other ladies, where Cain went after their genitals like a dachshund going after a ball under the couch, this is a step up.

3. Conan O'Brien: A vodka company is in trouble because its billboards say "Christmas quality, Hanukkah pricing." It's still better than their last year's slogan, "Tastes like Ramadan."

2. Stephen Colbert: With Herman Cain we're up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say.

1. Conan O'Brien: Herman Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because there's never any room under him.

Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson

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Monday, November 28
(Letterman in reruns.)

10. Jimmy Fallon: A man in Georgia was arrested for burglary after he left his Facebook account open on the victim's computer. But  a nice thing, he's only been in jail a few hours, and already his status has changed to "In a relationship."

9. Craig Ferguson: I like going to big box stores that cater to women with large vaginas.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: Today is Cyber Monday, which is Black Friday for people too lazy to put on pants. A survey found 60% of workers shopped online at work today, while the other 40% looked at porn, I guess.

7. Jay Leno: There's a new personal lubricant that smells like bacon called Bacon Lube. Remember when you only had to worry about catching an STD? Now you have to worry about a grease fire. And if you don't have a partner, they have Bacon Jerky.

6. Jon Stewart guest Merrill Markoe: What's bad for childhood trust issues is great for stand-up comedy. I was raised by a heckler.

5. Conan O'Brien: Syphilis has dropped in the U.S., probably because "Jersey Chore" taped in Italy.

4. Stephen Colbert: Today is Cyber Monday, so last night I camped out in front of my computer.

3. Craig Ferguson: In Peru today a small town mayor claimed the drinking water in his town is turning people gay. Is he crazy? There's no way water can turn people gay, unless that water's first been poured over a shirtless Ryan Gosling.

2. Jay Leno: The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle.

1. Chelsea Handler: I just want my underwear to stop incoming traffic.

Apple iPad 2 16GB

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I was on vacation Thanksgiving week.

Friday, November 18
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson live.)

10. Jay Leno: The Republican candidates were asked to name their favorite movies. Ron Paul picked "No Country for Old Men." Rick Perry chose "Clueless." Michele Bachmann chose "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," and Herman Cain chose "Snatch."

9. Jay Leno: A man on trial in Washington State had already stabbed his two lawyers with a pencil. Now he's stabbed his new lawyer with a pen. The judge said, "You've stabbed 3 lawyers. You've paid your debt to society. You're free to go."

8. David Letterman: Rick Perry is an environmentalist. He's now using solar power to run the Texas electric chair.

7. Jay Leno: Women who have sex 4 or more times a week look 10 years younger. Hence that old saying, "She's as youthful as a $2 hooker."

6. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, cheap bottles of wine, or as I like to call you, gifts.

5. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, the TSA, for celebrating your 10th birthday this month. I got you a very special package, mine.

4. Jay Leno: A professor of human sexuality assigned masturbation as homework. At least it's better than making it an in-class assignment. I just realized, in junior high I was taking college-level courses.

3. Jimmy Fallon: A woman is suing Gary Busey over an incident where he drunkenly tackled her at an airport. When asked why he got drunk and tackled a stranger, Busey was like, "You're going to have to be more specific."

2. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, the term "Sexiest Man Alive," for raising the question, if the word "Alive" weren't there, would someone different have won?

1. Craig Ferguson: Regis has a new book: "How I Got This Way." I don't need a book to tell me how Regis got this way. He was born. He was dropped on his head. The end.

The San Francisco Chronicle asked me to act out some of my favorite quips from Herb Caen's column, 1972 - 1997. I was afraid I'd look silly. Silly me.


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Thursday, November 17

10. Jon Stewart: Correspondent Sarah Vowell: The day after Thanksgiving is Evacuation Day. No, Jon, it commemorates the last of the British troops fleeing Manhattan at the end of the Revolutionary War in 1783. Americans are so good at starting wars. How about celebrating how we used to be able to end one. Then when Abraham Lincoln established Thanksgiving, Evacuation Day became like one of those shows on opposite "American Idol."

9. David Letterman, The Problem to All Your Solutions: Regis asked me to be on his final week of shows. It was quite an honor, even if he did keep calling me Conan. It was part of my court-ordered community service.

8. Jimmy Fallon: 33% of Americans have broken up with someone using Facebook or text messages, while 33% of Kardashians have broken up with someone using TMZ.

7. Jay Leno: To earn extra money Queen Elizabeth will be renting out one of her palaces during the Summer Olympics for $50,000 a night. But for that you get beer pong with Prince Philip, afternoon tequila with the Queen, and a lap dance from Camilla Parker-Bowles.

6. Craig Ferguson: In New York the Occupy Wall Street people blocked 3 subway stations today. Take that, all you fat cats who ride the subway all day. You're next, people who use the internet at the public library.

5. Jay Leno: There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime DOES pay.

4. Jimmy Fallon: PETA released a Thanksgiving ad for children that compares eating turkeys to eating their pet dogs. Or as kids in China put it, "So?"

3. Craig Ferguson: Teenagers start smoking because they think it makes them look cool. Listen, teenagers, smoking doesn't make you look cool. What makes you look cool is bullying classmates who are different. CBS cares.

2. Craig Ferguson: Remember the video of the 2-year-old Indonesian kid who was smoking? That made me sad. I said, "Why is that kid taking a smoke break? He should be putting together my iPhone."

1. Craig Ferguson: Kissing a smoker is like licking a cat's butt. Don't ask me how I know that. Call me, Garfield. Quitting smoking is hard. "Who's that guy licking that cat's butt?"

Oscar Wilde and the Vampire Murders by Gyles Brandreth, Simon & Schuster 2011

Page 10 - [Oscar]: "It is, of course, the second editions of my books that are the true rarities."

13 - [Oscar]: "By night? Oh, by night, he claims to be a vampire."

35 - "It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. You know that, Arthur."

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Wednesday, November 16

10. Conan O'Brien: Regis is retiring this week, so Vice President Joe Biden stopped by and gave him a gift of a bagful of tennis balls. When I retire, don't tell Joe Biden. Andy Richter: Apparently Joe Biden thinks Regis is an Irish setter.

9. Conan O'Brien: The bathrooms at Starbucks will now only be for employees, which explains why today every customer who ordered a vente asked for an extra cup.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: Gayle has quit her show on the Oprah network to do a new morning show for CBS. Gayle unfriended Oprah. That's dangerous. I hope she doesn't accidentally slip in a patch of Oprah's favorite body butter. Oprah claims she's thrilled for her. I don't know. I wouldn't want to be a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream right about now.

7. Craig Ferguson: "People" magazine named Bradley Cooper the Sexiest Man Alive. I suppose that's all right, in a parallel universe where there's no Ryan Gosling.

6. Jimmy Fallon: There's an upscale club in New York where members can eat beaver tail, hard-boiled duck eggs and lamb eyeballs. Or you can go the cheaper route and just order the McRib.

5. Craig Ferguson: Last week President Obama was in Hawaii. Now he's in Australia. Next week he's in Indonesia. I think he watched the Republican debates and went, "This is going to be a piece of cake," and went on vacation. That's not true. It's not a Pacific Rim vacation. It's a Pacific Rim job.

4. Jay Leno: A professor of sexuality assigned masturbation to his students as homework. In his defense, in contrast to algebra, this is a skill you'll use the rest of your life. Masturbation as a college course. Rickey, you were on a full scholarship as I remember.

3. Jay Leno: Kim Kardashian has hired an acting coach. I guess this will make the next marriage more convincing.

2. Conan O'Brien: Paris Hilton is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Paris's maximum capacity is 500 members.

1. Jimmy Fallon guest Martin Short: Steve Martin and I are very good friends. He was there when all three of my children were conceived.

Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson

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Tuesday, November 15

10. Conan O'Brien: A porn star read to a group of 1st and 3rd graders in L.A. The people who are the angriest about it are the 2nd graders.

9. Jimmy Fallon: Yesterday President Obama urged his supporters to watch the Republican debates. Though legally he was forced to add, "But not while operating heavy machinery."

8. Jon Stewart: Correspondent Jason Jones: Herman Cain's campaign insists there are more women out there waiting to charge him with harassment. They figure people can take a sex creep in the White House, but not someone who says, "Libya, hmm," and just sits there.

7. Craig Ferguson: Chicken Margaret was a lady in Glasgow who used to steal chickens. She'd go into the supermarket with a big dress on, stick the chicken up her dress and pretend to be pregnant. But one time there was a long checkout line, and the frozen chicken brought down her body temperature so much that she fainted. "Oh, the pregnant lady is having her baby!" That day she had the most delicious baby ever.

6. Jimmy Fallon: Today Rick Perry introduced a new plan to overhaul all 3 branches of government. Just as soon as he comes up with a plan to remember all 3 branches of government.

5. Craig Ferguson: In L.A. we have different colored bins. Green is for garden waste. The blue bin is for paper products, and the pink bin is for old breast implants. They melt down the old boobies and make them into lip injections and butt implants. It's the Circle of Life.

4. Stephen Colbert: Last night Occupy Wall Street protesters were removed by Cesarean. The Founding Fathers never intended indefinite free speech. They assumed after 2 weeks any protest would be wiped out by smallpox.

3. Jay Leno: Women having sex at least 4 times a week can look 10 years younger. So THAT'S Betty White's secret!

2. David Letterman: Regis is retiring after 17,000 hours of television. Or does it just seem that way?

1. Jimmy Kimmel: Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by saying, "Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John."

Bossypants by Tina Fey, Little Brown 2011

Page 57  - Let me start off by saying that at the University of Virginia in 1990, I was Mexican. I looked Mexican, that is, next to my fifteen thousand blonde and blue-eyed classmates, most of whom owned horses, or at least resembled them.

71 - Donna was an enigma wrapped in bacon wrapped in a crescent roll.

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Monday, November 14

10. David Letterman: Top 10 ways the world would be different if everyone were named Newt:
      8. Trump would be known as "The Newt."
      7. Still have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend? No problem.
      2. When you just say, "Newt" with no last name, people know you're referring to Newt Winfrey.
      1. You know who ain't going to be President? Newt Perry.

9. Conan O'Brien: An L.A. elementary school is in trouble for letting a porn star come and read a Dr. Seuss book to the kids. She read them "The Cat in the Other Cat."

8. Jimmy Kimmel: Kat von D says Jesse James cheated on her with at least 19 women last year. That's not cheating. That's hoarding.

7. Jimmy Fallon: A couple in Canada got married in front of a huge fire that was burning down the chapel. The priest was going, "Does anyone have any reason why these two should not be married? Except for God."

6. Jay Leno: To keep citizens from watching too much television, China is placing limits on overly entertaining programs. Same policy we have here at NBC.

5. David Letterman: Leonardo DiCaprio is a great actor. Not only does he play J. Edgar Hoover, he also plays his twin sister Jill.

4. Craig Ferguson: Over the weekend President Obama was in Hawaii, his "birth place." Ha ha.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: Oprah Winfrey was given an Oscar Saturday for her humanitarian work. It's like if the Nobel committee suddenly  gave an award for Best Picture. Oprah said the Oscar will go up on her mantel next to Stedman.

2. Stephen Colbert: I am addicted to all the Republican Presidential candidates. They are all like crack, in that they will devastate black communities.

1. David Letterman: People are still talking about Rick Perry/s memory lapse. And it happened a couple of months ago too, when he had trouble remembering the name of his hunting camp.

The Bohemian Girl by Kenneth Cameron, Minotaur Books, 2009

Denton is a famous American author and expatriate in turn-of-the -century London with a reputation for involving himself in murder cases.

Page 87 - Women were still so completely covered that, despite a tendency for skirts to creep up an inch or so, no hair was ever seen except on their heads. One famous writer was supposed to have abandoned his wife on their wedding night when he'd found she had pubic hair.

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Friday, November 11
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson live.)

10. Jimmy Fallon: Herman Cain said he would beat Obama by "beating him with a Cain." Obama said, "I'm just glad I'm not running against Anthony Weiner."

9. Jay Leno: President Obama attended the first college basketball game ever played on an aircraft carrier. Don't confuse that with the NBA. That's a bunch of guys not playing basketball on a sinking ship.

8. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, brisket, for sounding like either a manly biscuit or a bitchy Triscuit.

7. Jay Leno: In North Carolina a former bank executive has pled guilty to manufacturing methamphetamine. Her co-workers said they first became suspicious when her office exploded. She quit the bank to cook meth, and the worst part was, she was charging customers an extra $5 a month if they paid with their debit card.

6. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, frosted glass, for letting me see just enough to get the gist of what's behind you. You're like the scrambled porn channel of windows.

5. Jay Leno: Herman Cain is going to be on David Letterman next week. Cain and Letterman on the same show. Has there ever been a worse time to be an intern?

4. Jay Leno: More bad news for Rick Perry. Tomorrow there's another debate.

3. Jimmy Fallon guest Adam Sandler: On Thanksgiving I always carve the turkey, and the relatives think I don't do a good job. So this year I'm going to kill the turkey first.

2. Craig Ferguson: In England there are rumors that Prince William's bride, Kiki Wigglesworth, is pregnant. Fess up, Justin Bieber.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Today is 11/11/11, a date so simple even Rick Perry can remember it.

Thank You Notes by Jimmy Fallon

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Thursday, November 10

Note: In the Republican debate Rick Perry could only remember 2 of the 3 government departments he intended to eliminate. Then he started the list over and could only remember 1. After 53 seconds he finally said, "I just can't do it. Oops."

10. David Letterman: I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three .. Oh crap, what was three? [Most hosts made the same joke.]

9. Jon Stewart: John Oliver on Rick Perry: That was more than a brain fart. That was brain explosive diarrhea.

8. Conan O'Brien: A British rugby player said having a stroke made him gay. I know it sounds crazy, but, actually, every time I catch a cold I get a little bi-curious.

7. David Letterman: Top 10 Rick Perry excuses, delivered by Rick Perry:
      2. I wanted to help take the heat off my buddy Herman Cain.
      1. I'd just learned Justin Bieber is my father.

6. Jay Leno: What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay 4-1/2 hours to complete a sentence.

5. Stephen Colbert: The President is deploying U.S. troops permanently to Australia. I didn't even know invading them was on the table. But it's a known haven for Al Koala. I can't wait to see our defense budget go down the drain in the opposite direction.

4. Conan O'Brien: There was an awkward moment when Herman Cain turned to  Michele Bachmann and asked her what she was willing to do to get the job.

3. Jay Leno: You know what you call a Democrat who makes as many verbal gaffes as Rick Perry? Vice President.

2. Jimmy Fallon: After 30 seconds of stuttering, Rick Perry said, "Oops." Incidentally, saying "Oops" after 30 seconds is why Justin Bieber has to take a paternity test. "Oops" is the same thing being said by everyone who donated to Rick Perry.

1. David Letterman: Today it's 61 and foggy, like Rick Perry. But it's nice to see a guy running for President who's only groping for words.

Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe, Henry Holt and Company 2011

Page 306 - And today, that is what I look forward to. Time. Time to grow as an artist, businessman, and now author. Time to love my wife and watch our young men grow to make us proud, as I have no doubt they will. Time to watch them crystallize into the strong, sensitive, witty, and engaging men they almost are. The future is theirs. It's all so close for them. It takes my breath away.

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Wednesday, November 9

10. Jay Leno: A Phoenix company has come out with a beer for dogs. It's called Sniff My Butt Weiser.

9. Craig Ferguson: Yesterday Earth averted a disaster of massive proportions. Yes, I almost had to serve on a jury, but then I was excused. Something about dry-humping the judge. No, a giant asteroid came within 200,000 miles of Earth. I was nervous. I was screaming, "Not the face! Not the face!"

8. Jimmy Fallon: #Latenighthashtags: My dad's preparation for Hurricane Irene was putting all the alcohol into a rolling suitcase. #mycrazyfamily

7. Jimmy Kimmel: The December issue of "O Magazine" has 9 Oprah's on the cover. When Stedman has a nightmare, that's what he sees.

6. David Letterman: It's obvious Greece and Italy have no money. When you go to those places it's just ruins.

5. Jay Leno: RyanAir announced a pay-per-view pornography service for passengers to watch. How much do they charge for a blanket on that flight? But I guess you get to keep it afterward.

4. David Letterman: The economy loses $38 billion a year because of people taking off work and sitting at home waiting for the damn cable guy. So the cable companies got together and agreed to put on a 2nd guy.

3. Stephen Colbert: Italian debt threatens to swamp the Eurozone. I knew they shouldn't have offered unlimited breadsticks.

2. Jay Leno: In Washington state a little girl got trapped in a washing machine. It was filling up with water, and you can't open the door while it's running. Her mother ran out to the car, grabbed a wrench, broke the glass, and saved the girl. She's fine. She's in the dryer now.

1. David Letterman: Kris Humphries is pretty broken up about Kim Kardashian filing for divorce. He didn't know he was in a skit.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 465 - The guests were brought one after another and introduced to her [Helen Keller]. As she shook hands with each she took her hand away and laid her fingers lightly against Miss Sullivan's lips, who spoke against them the person's name. When a name was difficult, Miss Sullivan not only spoke it against Helen's fingers but spelled it upon Helen's hand with her own fingers -- stenographically, apparently, for the swiftness of the operation was suggestive of that.

... After a couple of hours spent very pleasantly, some one asked if Helen would remember the feel of the hands of the company after this considerable period of time, and be able to discriminate the hands and name the possessors of them. Miss Sullivan said, "Oh, she will have no difficulty about that." So the company filed past, shook hands in turn, and with each handshake Helen greeted the owner of the hand pleasantly and spoke the name that belonged to it without hesitation, until she encountered Mr. Rogers, toward the end of the procession. She shook hands with him, then paused, and a reflecting expression came into her face. Then she said, "I am glad to meet you now, I have not met you before." Miss Sullivan told her she was mistaken, this gentleman was introduced to her when she first arrived in the room. But Helen was not affected by that. She said no, she never had met this gentleman before. Then Mr. Rogers said that perhaps the confusion might be explained by the fact that he had his glove on when he was introduced to Helen. Of course that explained the matter.

... I had to go away before it was over, and as I passed by Helen I patted her lightly on the head and passed on. Miss Sullivan called to me and said "Stop, Mr. Clemens, Helen is distressed because she did not recognize your hand. Won't you come back and do that again?" I went back and patted her lightly on the head, and she said at once, "Oh, it's Mr. Clemens."Perhaps some one can explain this miracle, but I have never been able to do it. Could she feel the wrinkles in my hand through her hair? Some one else must answer this.I am not competent.

[Mark Twain became close friends with Helen Keller and spoke at benefits to raise money to train the blind for paying jobs.]

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Tuesday, November 8

10. Jimmy Kimmel: The Toronto Zoo has two gay penguins named Buddy and Pedro, who spend all their time together. Even though they have a loving relationship, zoo officials plan to separate them and pair them with females for mating. It's like "Brokeback Iceberg."

9. Jimmy Fallon: A man in Florida was arrested for stealing a cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber from a record store.  He's facing a pretty severe punishment: his friends finding that out.

8. Craig Ferguson: A great day if you like porn. A European airline is considering adding porn to in-flight entertainment. The shocking thing is, it's not Aer Lingus. It's Ryan Air. Here's a little advice for them. If you do this, don't give out the free blankets. The rules for porn are the same as for oxygen masks. You take care of yourself first, before helping the other passengers.

7. Jimmy Fallon: Pros & Cons of being an NBA player during the lockout: Pro: With no scheduled games, players don't have to travel to 30 different cities. Con: Unless they want to visit their kids.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I'm sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman's wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?

5. Stephen Colbert: Herman Cain held a press conference to address the sexual harassment accusations coming out of the woodwork. Incidentally, his woodwork coming out is one of the things he's accused of. His lawyer spoke, and then Cain took the podium, without asking the podium whether it wanted to be taken.

4. Jay Leno: Over the weekend we gained an hour. I took advantage of it. I went swimming immediately after eating.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: Tonight Nancy Grace was brutally eliminated from "Dancing with the Stars," and she's not going to rest until she finds out who did it. Thankfully, she'll be going back to doing what she does best, which is not dancing.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: A 5th accuser came forward today. If this keeps up it's unlikely Herman Cain will become President. But more and more likely that he'll become Governor of California.

1. David Letterman: On the bright side, just a few more mug shots and Lindsay Lohan will have enough for a calendar.

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Monday, November 7

10. Jay Leno: A 20-year-old woman filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber, claiming they had sex for 30 seconds. See, in spite of his wealth and fame, he's just a regular guy. Wow, 30 seconds. He must have been thinking about baseball or something.

9. Jay Leno: Big news today on health care reform. Dr. Conrad Murray is going to jail. They said the sedative he gave Michael Jackson was 5 times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech. Dr. Murray's sentencing will be delayed long enough to let him finish his "Playboy" shoot.

8. Jon Stewart: As you know, a lot of Republican voters view Mitt Romney as the Great White Nope and are desperately seeking a viable alternative, even going so far as to pretend it might be Michele Bachmann. Herman Cain emerged as the most likely alternative to the Schnook of Mormon.

7. David Letterman: Lindsay Lohan was supposed to serve 30 days in the slammer. Out in 5 hours. By God, that'll teach her. She would have been out in 3 hours, but she spent 2 hours catching up with old friends. The 5 hours she was off the street and in prison, I felt much safer.

6. Craig Ferguson: It's very cold in here. Look at the audience. All I see is nipples.

5. David Letterman: They found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty. Boy, that's not the L.A. jury I know. Now they gotta do something about Dr. Phil.

4. Conan O'Brien: Some high school sex ed classes are going to start including bestiality. One kid told his teacher, "My dog ate my homework, and that's not all."

3. Jay Leno: Israeli doctors say a simple jolt of electricity to the penis may cure impotence. It's bad enough you have to charge your cell phone and your laptop. Now you have to plug your penis in before you go to bed? I'll bet that was why Ben Franklin was flying that kite in the thunderstorm.

2. David Letterman: So Michael Jackson's personal physician is found guilty,while his plastic surgeon walks away free?

1. Craig Ferguson: Lindsay Lohan went to jail to serve 30 days and was released after less than 5 hours. I guess that was all the guards could stand.

          Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me by Chelsea Handler's Friends, Grand Central Publishing 2011

If you like being aghast, this is the book for you.

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Friday, November 4
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson live.)

10. David Letterman: Top 10 questions to ask yourself before running the New York City Marathon:
      9. How do I tell the difference between the finish line and the crime scene tape?
      6. Am I allowed to take a leak off the Queensboro Bridge?

9. Jay Leno: One of the Herman Cain women was paid $35,000 and another was paid $45,000, so he's saying it just proves he can create high-paying jobs for women. I'd like to see the women and find out what the $10,000 difference was.

8. David Letterman: All Herman Cain's woman trouble started when he was head of the National Restaurant Association, the NRA. He has 3 women accusing him. I think it's like carry-on luggage. You should only be allowed 2.

7. David Letterman: The New York City Marathon has a unique flavor. When they fire the starting gun, they immediately throw it in the East River. It's the only marathon with smoking breaks.

6. Craig Ferguson: Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy have teamed up for "Tower Heist." It's like Abbott and Costello, if Costello were skinny and Abbott were into transsexuals. At least this movie title tells you what to expect. I went into "Moneyball," Brad Pitt. I came out so disappointed.

5. Jay Leno: Riverside County wants to make prison inmates pay room and board. What if they don't? Do you kick them out?

4. David Letterman: Regis Philbin in two weeks will stop doing whatever it is he does. Two more weeks. It was easier getting Khadafy out.

3. Jay Leno: An ESPN executive is accused of masturbating under his iPad on a plane. I didn't even know there was an app for that. At least it wasn't an iPhone.

2. Jimmy Fallon: A man called police after a snake crawled ouut of the ATM he was using. The snake was captured and returned to its position as the bank's CEO.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, Kris Humphries, for not being able to keep up with the Kardashians.

Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson

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Thursday, November 3

10. David Letterman: The New York City Marathon will have 400 portable toilets. All of a sudden doorways aren't good enough?

9. Jay Leno: Herman Cain's campaign is claiming Rick Perry is behind all the leaking of the sexual harassment claims. I don't know. Does Rick Perry look like he's smart enough to think of something like that?

8. Jimmy Fallon: CNN has launched a Spanish version of its website. It's called YesNN.

7. Stephen Colbert: A report says New York City has shrunk more than 2 square miles. Come on, it's cold outside.

6. Conan O'Brien: The woman who claims to have had Justine Bieber's lovechild says they had sex in a bathroom. Justin says he didn't know they had sex. He just thought the baby sitter gave him a really good bath.

5. Jimmy Fallon: Filene's Basement is filing for bankruptcy. Which explains why the owner is now living in Filene's Parents' Basement.

4. Jimmy Fallon: There's a new iPhone app that allows you to pay for things by saying your own name out loud. Which answers the question, how can buying condoms get even more uncomfortable?

3. Jimmy Kimmel: Last night the Occupy Oakland protest got out of hand. Demonstrators broke windows, hurled Molotov cocktails and chunks of concrete. Police said it was the worst riot in Oakland since every Raiders home game.

2. Jay Leno: New York City has unveiled the "cab of the future." It has an ignition lock-out system. The cab won't start until the driver puts on deodorant.

1. Craig Ferguson: President Obama was rated the Most Powerful Person in the World by "Forbes Magazine." Nobody told Congress.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 82 - Death: Our final resting places are commemorated with headstones. The larger and costlier ones memorialize people whose children loved them more. Symbols denoting the deceased's religion were a convenience aimed at making it easier for the angels to pick teams at Armageddon.

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Wednesday, November 2

10. David Letterman: Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

9. Conan O'Brien: A California woman is suing Justin Bieber because she claims he's the father of her 3-month-old love child. People who've seen the baby says he looks exactly like Justin, only older. [Jay Leno made the same joke, while Craig Ferguson showed a picture of a baby with his face.]

8. Jimmy Kimmel: A 20-year-old woman has filed a lawsuit against Justin Bieber, claiming he's the father of her 3-month-old son. It's Justin's first paternity suit. They grow up so fast. This supposedly happened backstage when she was 19 and he was 16 and a virgin. So if this did happen, she committed statutory rape and wants to be paid a healthy sum for it. [Showed clips of all the news anchors singing Justin's song "Baby, Baby, Baby." That's taking over for Herman Cain's 9-9-9.

7. Jay Leno: Israel is talking about a preemptive strike on Iran. If that happened it could wipe Kim Kardashian right off the front page.

6. Conan O'Brien: Since they can't get married in California, tomorrow night here in New York we're going to perform a real live same-sex marriage between two of our staff. This will be the first same-sex wedding on late-night television, and I'll be officiating myself. [Showed clips of about 20 newscasters saying "Conan O'Brien is about to push the envelope on late-night TV."] Andy Richter: We've got to get an envelope. 

5. Stephen Colbert: Bank of America will remove its $5 debit card fee. Of course that comes with a $6 fee removal fee.

4. Jay Leno: Kris Humphries won't get a penny, because they had a prenup. A prenup? They hardly had a nup.

3. Craig Ferguson: [The entire lesbian row was on stage.] They're all from Australia, where lesbians go around the other way.

2. Conan O'Brien: The Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field so they can hit more home runs. Excuse me. Call me old fashioned, but isn't that what steroids are for?

1. David Letterman: No one will know what went wrong in the Kim Kardashian marriage until they find the black box. I've had Viagra side effects that lasted longer than 72 days.
 


The Conscious Catwoman by Julie Newmar

Page 66 - Plant carrots in January and you'll never have to eat carrots.
 

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Tuesday, November 1

10. David Letterman: President Obama had his physical today. His cholesterol is down, blood pressure down, approval rating down. He's fit and eats healthy food, and Fox News says that proves he's not an American.

9. Jay Leno Headlines:
Letterhead from U.S. Department of Health and Hyman Services.
Grocery ad: Turdey Gravy

8. Jay Leno: President Obama had his physical, and he's in excellent health except for his blood pressure. It's 70 over 14 trillion.

7. David Letterman: Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use the word "consensual."

6. Conan O'Brien: Since I left New York the Health Department has begun grading restaurants based on cleanliness. The grades are A, B, C, D and White Castle.

5. David Letterman: We had a lot of trick or treaters up at the house last night. The reason I know, as I was leaving this morning, caught on the barbed wire fence were a whole bunch of kids' costumes.

4. Stephen Colbert: If the protesters get to occupy Wall Street, I get to put up condos in Yellowstone.

3. Conan O'Brien: Today Nissan introduced the New York "taxi of the future." It features heated seats, lowered emissions and a willingness to go to Brooklyn.

2. Conan O'Brien: The guy who owns this theater also owns the Knicks. In other words, he's used to bringing in tall skinny guys who have trouble scoring.

1. Jimmy Fallon: President Obama wanted everybody to like his Halloween costume, so he went as himself from 2008.

Apple iPad 2

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November Strangie Winners

Tuesday, November 1:
Jimmy Fallon: President Obama wanted everybody to like his Halloween costume, so he went as himself from 2008.

Wednesday, November 2:
David Letterman: No one will know what went wrong in the Kim Kardashian marriage until they find the black box. I've had Viagra side effects that lasted longer than 72 days.

Thursday, November 3:
Craig Ferguson: President Obama was rated the Most Powerful Person in the World by "Forbes Magazine." Nobody told Congress.

Friday, November 4: Jimmy Fallon: A man called police after a snake crawled out of the ATM he was using. The snake was captured and returned to its position as the bank's CEO.

Monday, November 7: Craig Ferguson: Lindsay Lohan went to jail to serve 30 days and was released after less than 5 hours. I guess that was all the guards could stand.

Tuesday, November 8: David Letterman: On the bright side, just a few more mug shots and Lindsay Lohan will have enough for a calendar.

Wednesday, November 9: David Letterman: Kris Humphries is pretty broken up about Kim Kardashian filing for divorce. He didn't know he was in a skit.

Thursday, November 10: David Letterman: Today it's 61 and foggy, like Rick Perry. But it's nice to see a guy running for President who's only groping for words.

Friday, November 11: Jimmy Fallon: Today is 11/11/11, a date so simple even Rick Perry can remember it.

Monday, November 14: David Letterman: People are talking about Rick Perry's memory lapse. And it happened a couple of months ago too, when he had trouble remembering the name of his hunting camp.

Tuesday, November 15: Jimmy Kimmel: Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by saying, "Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John."

Wednesday, November 16: Jimmy Fallon guest Martin Short: Steve Martin and I are very good friends. He was there when all three of my children were conceived.

Thursday, November 17: Craig Ferguson: Kissig a smoker is like licking a cat's butt. Don't ask me how I know that. Call me, Garfield. Quitting smoking is hard. "Who's that guy licking that cat's butt?"

Friday, November 18: Craig Ferguson: Regis has a new book, "How I Got This Way." I don't need a book to tell me how Regis got this way. He was born. He was dropped on his head. The end.

Monday, November 28: Chelsea Handler: I just want my underwear to stop incoming traffic.


Tuesday, November 29: Conan O'Brien: Herman Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because there's never any room under him.

Wednesday, November 30: Craig Ferguson guest David Sedaris (quoting someone): One in three Americans weighs as much as the other two.

For each day's top 10 late-night zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.



What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all? Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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