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Strange de Jim entertained San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb). Strange holds the world record for Most Late-Night Jokes Absorbed, 1999 - Last Night.

Strange's Last Night's Top 10 Late-Night Jokes November 2010

late night hosts
 Click for Sue Trowbridge's Late-Night Lineups and Info.

November  Strangies: Leno 5, Letterman 3, O'Brien 3, Fallon 3, Kimmel 3, Ferguson 2, Colbert 1, Stewart 1

Tuesday, November 30
(Letterman and Fallon in reruns)

10. Craig Ferguson: "Jay Leno has more than a hundred classic cars. 'I call this one Conan, because it's red, and I wrecked it.'"

9. Craig Ferguson: "They're auctioning off the wig John Wayne wore in 'El Dorado.' You're saying, 'John Wayne wasn't bald, at least not upstairs. 'I get a Brazilian every week, Pilgrim.' But he wore wigs in every movie after 1948. It's not unmanly to wear a wig for work. At least that's what I tell myself when I'm out hookin'."

8. Craig Ferguson: "Buying John Wayne's wig won't make you tough. John Wayne grew up tough because his real name was Marion. If a boy has a girl's name, he has to be tough, like a boy named Sue, or Lady Gaga."

7. Jimmy Kimmel: "WikiLeaks has Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney demanding that we waterboard the internet."

6. Jay Leno: "Today's my 30th wedding anniversary. I'm a little disappointed. The whole surprise I'd planned was on WikiLeaks."

5. Jon Stewart: "WikiLeaks is the 250,000-page document dump, which like most post-Thanksgiving dumps, is fascinating to pick through. The site should not be confused with WookieLeaks, where a large furry creature pees on you."

4. Conan O'Brien: "An Irish author just won the 18th annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award. Her novel begins, 'Conan O'Brien removed his robe ...'"

3. Jay Leno: "Some schools in Europe are considering teaching masturbation in the classroom. How many guys here are home-schooled?"

2. Jay Leno: "A 19-year-old Somali-American has been arrested in Oregon for trying to set off a bomb in a parking lot. His parents are crushed. He had such a promising future as a pirate."

1. Jimmy Kimmel: "On his book tour George W. Bush said, 'I was a Blackberry person, and now I'm an iPad person, so I hope you buy my book in hardcover and electronically.' So there you have it. George W. Bush doesn't care about Blackberries."

"Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary" by David Sedaris, Little, Brown & Company 2010

Page 131 - It was the stupidest thing the cat had ever heard of, an AA program in prison. Like you could find anything decent in here anyway. But if it would get his sentence reduced, well, all right, he'd sign up. Dance the twelve-step, do whatever it took to cut out early.

132 - This mink, for example, who'd swapped his own pelt for a bottle of Kahlua. The cat didn't know you could survive without a pelt, but apparently it was possible. Not pretty, that was for damn sure, but it could be done ... When the mink came to the part about his wife mistaking him for a beef tongue, the cat laughed so hard he fell out of his chair.
"Thank you," the mink said at the end of his little speech. "You've been a terrific audience. Now don't forget to tip your waitress."

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Monday, November 29
(Letterman and Fallon in reruns)

10. Craig Ferguson: "WikiLeaks gets all the secret stuff, even the truth about Lady Gaga. Apparently there's meat UNDER the dress too."

9. Jay Leno: "A man was arrested in a Wal-Mart in Palm Beach, Florida, with a Glock, ammunition, knives and a grenade. Residents were shocked. [In a snooty voice] 'We have a Wal-Maht, heah?'"

8. Jay Leno: "You know you had too much to eat on Thanksgiving when you get back in your car and have to change the memory on your adjustable seat."

7. Stephen Colbert: "I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. It was a very painful delivery for my mother."

6. Conan O'Brien: "Police in Brazil raided the offices of a high profile drug lord and found 11 tons of marijuana, weapons, and a hand-painted mural of Justin Bieber. This is the only drug cartel whose kingpin is a 14-year-old girl."

5. Conan O'Brien:  "Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush."

4. Conan O'Brien: "After dropping a touchdown pass a Buffalo Bill sent an angry tweet blaming God. Luckily for him he blamed the Old Testament God, who's still on MySpace."

3. Jon Stewart: "WikiLeaks shows our allies are also funding the terrorists. So we're like the commissionless middlemen in a war we're waging against ourselves."

2. Jimmy Kimmel:  "Friday President Obama got an elbow in the face and had to have 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy for a 52-inch TV. Black Friday gets very rough. Actually it was in a basketball game. You'd think the President's ears would protect him from elbows flying, but ..."

1. Jay Leno: "The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin area over clothes. Same rule my high school prom date had."

"Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary" by David Sedaris, Little, Brown & Company 2010

Page 128 - Meanwhile, the parrot was still talking. "Don't get me wrong," she said. "I HAVE seen a cockatoo in my time, but I'm not dating anyone now, if that's what you're wondering."

Here was the hare in cat's pajamas, dancing with a chameleon, whose costume changed with every turn. The ugly duckling cut in on a swan. A trio of mice lowered their sunglasses, and as they scoured the floor for partners, the parrot turned to the pig and held out her claw. He accepted it awkwardly in his hoof, and so began what the reporter would later refer to as her days of swine and neuroses.

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Friday, November 26

Only Chelsea Handler as live. Two segment titles were mildly amusing, and that was it.
"Dolphin Molests Swimmer: Flipper? I Don't Even Know Her!" "Jameson Quits Porn: Jenna Pulls Out."

Thursday, November 25 (Thanksgiving)
(Only O'Brien, Leno and Fallon live)

10. Conan O'Brien guest Brendon Walsh: "My girlfriend gave my penis a name, an awesome name, Microsoft. Hey, that's a huge company, dude."

9. Conan O'Brien: "I've got a lot to be thankful for. I have a new studio, a new show, and I never have to watch Bristol Palin dance again."

8. Jay Leno: "Here in America we have the turducken. That's a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. In North Korea they have the chibasstriever. That's a chihuahua inside a basset hound inside a golden retriever. Only in North Korea though."

7. Jimmy Fallon thank you notes: "Thank you, stuffing, for having the cutest name of any food ever. No offense, pickles."

6. Jimmy Fallon: "In spite of all the hubbub, security at the airports has been surprisingly smooth. Oddly enough, 'surprisingly smooth' is what the TSA agent said after my last patdown. Ever seen a Ken doll?"

5. Jimmy Fallon: "A man dropped the engagement ring off the pier while proposing. He said, 'Great there goes a 300 ... uh, an $11,300 ring."

4. Jay Leno: "And Capri Anderson, the porn star with Charlie Sheen in the hotel room that night is suing him because he used obscenities and she was offended. Apparently she's only used to the f-word as a stage direction."

3. Conan O'Brien: "A study found men are often aroused by the smell of pumpkin pie. The study was published in 'What to Say When You're Caught with Your Penis in a Pie Magazine.'" Andy Richter: "Lot of good recipes in that magazine."

2. Jimmy Fallon:  "Australian scientists have found a new species of parrots, and they're saying it's a major discovery with far-reaching implications for the scientific community, while the parrots are saying  it's a major discovery with far-reaching implications for the scientific community."

1. Jay Leno: "A woman in Paris was trapped in a bathroom for 20 days. When she came out she said, 'Is Charlie Sheen gone yet?'"

"Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary" by David Sedaris, Little, Brown & Company 2010

Page 111 - Her sister had been killed because she deserved it -- there was no other explanation. Decent creatures lived until they couldn't stand it anymore, and then they were ushered to a kind of paradise where they were adorned with jewels and tended to by servants hoisting platters full of grain.
Devious and perverse creatures, on the other hand, suffered untimely deaths and were sent to a reverse paradise where THEY were the servants, and instead of jewels they were adorned with flaming hot coals. Her sister was there now, and all because she had entertained unnatural thoughts, which were as bad as unnatural actions in certain circumstances. "I'm sorry it had to happen," the chicken told the pullet, "but at least I learned something from it."
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Wednesday, November 24

10. Chelsea Handler: "Children of the Cornbread: A web site has tips on how to get kids to help prepare and serve Thanksgiving dinner."

9. David Letterman: "Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, or as Kirstie Alley calls it, The Show."

8. Jay Leno: "This holiday season the TSA will handle more packages than the Post Office."

7. Jimmy Fallon: "The White House is working on a new terror alert system. Instead of colors it's going to tell how handsie the TSA agents are going to be. Yellow stands for cop a feel. Orange stands for gentle junk swipe, and red stands for full-on sextickle."

6. David Letterman: "Lady Gaga's under a lot of stress. She can't decide whether she's going to wear white meat or dark meat."

5. Conan O'Brien: "Bristol Palin lost to Jennifer Grey. The good news is, when a Palin loses they tend to just quietly disappear."

4. Craig Ferguson: "Did I really make that mistake? That was a bit of a Freudian penis."

3.
Jimmy Fallon: "'Grey's Anatomy' is planning a big song and dance episode. So if you like 'Glee' and you like 'Grey's Anatomy,' don't tell your commanding officer. Unless he asks. No, not even then."

2. Jimmy Kimmel: "There was supposed to be a protest, but nobody opted out of the full-body scans, maybe because of the signs TSA posted: 'If you are embarrassed by your penis size, you may opt out of being scanned.'"

1. Craig Ferguson: "It's Thanksgiving Eve. One year ago today Tiger Woods crashed his car, and the mistresses came spilling out."


Twitter extra: @sbellelauren if they give me the TSA pat down, I'll give them the Meg Ryan orgasm from "When Harry Met Sally."


"Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary" by David Sedaris, Little, Brown & Company 2010

Page 109 - The chicken nodded.
"Sometimes when I'm with the rooster, I wonder what it would be like if he, you know, wasn't a rooster."
"You mean like if he was a duck or a goose?" The thought was ridiculous, and the chicken had to bite the inside of her beak to keep a straight face. "Or how about a turkey?" At this she lost her composure and whooped until her eyes teared. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry. Go on."
"Never mind," her sister said. "It wasn't important."
"Oh, don't be like that," the chicken scolded. "Come on, now. So if he's not a rooster, what is he?"
The sister took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Well, like, maybe if he was, for instance, more like me?"
"Brown?" the chicken said, and in the silence that followed she grasped what her sister had been aiming at. "You don't mean ..."
"It's just a thought," her sister said.
"Just a thought!"
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Tuesday, November 23

10. Craig Ferguson: "It's an indictment of our society and our media that with North and South Korea on the brink of war all anybody can talk about is 'Dancing with the Stars,' me included. Shouldn't we be asking the hard questions, like what does Kim Jong Il think about 'Dancing with the Stars?'

9. Jimmy Kimmel: "The ratings on Sarah Palin's TLC program fell by 40% this week, so I guess she and President Obama do have something in common."

8. Conan O'Brien:  "The Pope said it's OK for male prostitutes to use condoms when they're having sex with their customers. But only if they're really, really in love."

7. Jay Leno:  "All 33 of the trapped Chilean miners were in L.A. over the weekend. Monday they went back, all 4 of them."

6. Jay Leno: "In the latest 'Harry Potter' Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces and hides in exotic foreign places. I'm sorry, that's President Obama."

5. Conan O'Brien: "The wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton is going to be filmed in 3-D. This is terrible news for Prince Charles's ears."

4. Chelsea Handler: "Nicole Richie is getting married, and Sam [Samantha] Ronson will be a bridesmaid. Always a bridesmaid, never a groom."

3. Conan O'Brien: "North and South Korea have exchanged artillery fire over a border incident. Sec. of State Hillary Clinton is calling it a significant international incident, and Bill Clinton is calling it hot Asian-on-Asian action."

2. David Letterman: "At the airport I don't mind the inappropriate grope, but I don't like the full-body naked scan, having to drink all that barium."

1. Jay Leno: "North Korea shot mortars into South Korea. North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il is said to still be very angry that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

"Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary" by David Sedaris, Little, Brown & Company 2010

Page 97 - The cow looked at the pig, who sat smiling in his pen, and then at the turkey, who'd hung a sprig of mistletoe from the end of his wattle and was waltzing from one animal to the next, saying, "Any takers?" Even to the other guys.

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Monday, November 22

10. Craig Ferguson: "I did a show in Nashville this weekend, and when I got there I saw a line around the block. And then I knew I was performing next to a theater showing the Harry Potter movie."

9. Jimmy Fallon: "Scientists say they can identify people by their ears even better than by fingerprints, which will help them catch that one crook who likes to put his ear on things. 'Looks like another job by The Listener.'"

8. Jimmy Kimmel:  "Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristol Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job."

7. Jimmy Kimmel: "Anyway, I'm worried if the worst dancer wins 'Dancing with the Stars' because of an organized phone campaign it will hurt the integrity of the show and people will quit watching, and I'm also worried that someone's secretly been injecting me with estrogen."

6. Jay Leno: "The Pope said the use of condoms is acceptable under certain circumstances. For instance, if you're dating someone from the cast of 'Jersey Shore.' But no glow in the dark ones."

5. Jay Leno: "Swiss scientists say they have produced antimatter, which could explain some of the mysteries of the universe, such as how Bristol Palin is still on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She gets more votes than anyone else. John McCain picked the wrong Palin."

4. David Letterman: "Some of these airport patdowns are so thorough they say you only need one every 5 years. You can get the regular patdown, but if you want to upgrade you can get what they call the Full Spitzer."

3. Conan O'Brien: "I saw the new movie 'Harry Potter and the Long Line of Single People.' It's nice seeing a long line these days where nobody's getting their junk touched."

2. David Letterman: "TSA says they're going to crack down on too aggressive patdowns. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish."

1. Jimmy Fallon: "'Skating with the Stars' premiered tonight after 'Dancing with the Stars.' I was able to watch both, due to my TiVo's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy."

"Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary" by David Sedaris, Little, Brown & Company 2010

Page 17 - [The squirrel had said he liked jazz and, having no idea what it was, the chipmunk had said she liked it too.] The chipmunk lay awake that night, imagining the unpleasantness that was bound to take place the following morning. What if jazz was squirrel slang for something terrible, like anal intercourse? "Oh, I like it too," she'd said -- and so eagerly! Then again, it could just be mildly terrible, something along the lines of Communism or fortune-telling, subjects that were talked about but hardly ever practiced. Just as she thought she had calmed herself down, a new possibility would enter her mind, each one more horrible than the last. Jazz was the maggot-infested flesh of a dead body, the crust on an infected eye, another word for ritual suicide. And she had claimed to like it!

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Bonus Report, Saturday, November 20

10. David Letterman guest Michael E. Winfield: "I saw a man steal a pregnancy test. I don't know the mother, but I know she ain't getting child support. He wouldn't even be in this situation if he'd just stolen some condoms. He's not a robber; he's a procrastinator."

9. David Letterman: "While Michelangelo was painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling, Rafael would annoy him by yelling, 'You missed a spot!'"

8. David Letterman: "When fully extended a chameleon's tongue is as long as its body. Reminds me of my Aunt Hazel."

7. Seth Meyers on SNL on TSA: "This Thanksgiving will be the first one where you'll be molested BEFORE you get to your weird uncle's house."

6. Jimmy Fallon: "Thank you, TSA pat down for making air transport feel like that one time at summer camp. 'We're still cool, aren't we, Gary?'"

5. Seth Meyers on SNL about airport searches: "You know, if I wanted someone half-heartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I'd get married."

4. E-mail to Craig Ferguson: "Dear Craig: What's  your favorite part of the turkey?" Craig: "That's easy. The testicles."

3. David Letterman: "Fittingly enough, during his cremation Orville Redenbacher popped."

2. Seth Meyers on SNL: "At the dedication of his Presidential Library, George W. Bush said it's long been his dream to build a building for teenagers to drink behind."

1. Jimmy Fallon: "Thank you, guinea pigs, for always being up for anything."

Can Craig Ferguson goad adorable-leather-guy and Conan's-lovechild into an underpants pillow fight?
ferguson chris bridger

Watch de video.
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Friday, November 19

10. Jay Leno: "At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what's the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down."

9. Craig Ferguson: "I'm so excited my nipples are erect. Can't you tell? Then you should have gone hi-def, shouldn't you? I'm kidding. If my nipples were erect you'd see that I have eight."

8. Jimmy Fallon:  "President Obama said GM's comeback would be the success story of this recession. GM said it wanted to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota's brakes, Toyota's steering and Toyota's accelerator."

7.
Craig Ferguson: "Harry Potter has that lightning bolt scar, which means he's destined for greatness. I have a scar on my inner thigh, which doesn't mean anything, except that I got it from my vacuum cleaner. It says Ball Vacuum on the box! I was just trying to look neat."

6. David Letterman:  "On this day in 1863 President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. And then the rebuttal was given by John McCain. Lincoln's speech was so successful that right after it, TBS offered him the 10 p.m. slot."

5. David Letterman: "The Capitol Hill Christmas tree is on its way, and once it gets to Washington it'll die in committee."

4. Jay Leno: "In reading tests, today's students scored worse than students did twenty years ago. And the excuses the kids give are so lame. Like one kid claimed the dog ate his Kindle."

3. Jimmy Fallon: "People started lining up at 11 a.m. at a Costco in Utah to get signed copies of George W. Bush's memoir. Bush didn't get much signing done though, because he kept going back to the free sample lady." Jimmy put his finger above his lips to imitate a mustache. 'I'm a different guy. Can I get another cracker? I mean a first cracker.'"

2. Jay Leno: "And this Thanksgiving airport security is going to be even stricter." Jay showed an airport with lines of completely naked people. "I'd like to thank my staff for doing that this afternoon at the Burbank Airport."

1. Jay Leno: "One of those airport naked scan images ended up on the internet. And you know who it was? Brett Favre. What are the odds?"

Thursday, November 18

10. David Letterman:  "I don't mind all the groping and probing at the airport. My problem is, after it's over, how much to tip the guy."

9.  Conan O'Brien: "The TBS slogan is 'Very Funny.' They almost went with 'Very Re-runny,' 'Well, well, look who sat on their remote,' 'Life is pain,' 'Put it in your mouth,'  or 'Last stop before Animal Planet.'"

8. Jay Leno: "'Don't touch my junk' has become the new 'Don't tase me, bro.' Next will be 'Don't tase my junk, bro.'"

7. David Letterman: "In New York the Taxi of Tomorrow will have a rain-activated off-duty sign and a touch-screen hooker."

6. Conan O'Brien: "Before the new 'Harry Potter' movie, last weekend in New York 40 teams met to compete for the Quiddich Cup. Out of respect for their families, the names of the winners were not announced."

5. David Letterman:  "Congratulations to Ryan Reynolds, named by 'People' as the Sexiest Man Alive. Next week we'll find out who the sexiest dead guy is. The next step is that Ryan has to be confirmed by the Senate."

4. David Letterman:  "A new study shows there's diminished interest in marriage, mostly among married people."

3. Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin's so confident she's already started writing her Inaugural Address on her hand."

2. Craig Ferguson: "My Dad just quit smoking cold turkey. One day he said, 'I'm not going to let anything have that much power over me,' and then he asked Mom if he could quit."

1. Jimmy Fallon: "Yesterday a group of economists came up with a plan to reduce the deficit by $6 trillion. All we have to do is switch from incandescent light bulbs to not having a federal government."

Wednesday, November 17

10. David Letterman: "'People's' Sexiest Man Alive is Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, it kind of caught me off-guard too.

9. Jay Leno: "How many think these searches at the airport are too invasive. Now how many think that if they keep your relatives from visiting you over the holidays they're worth the price? Let's get cavity searches, just to make sure." 

8. Craig Ferguson: "A senior citizen was arrested for blowing out his TV with a shotgun when Bristol Palin didn't get kicked off 'Dancing with the Stars.' Come on. It's been 2 years. Get over it, John McCain."

7. Craig Ferguson: "People say your favorite Royal tells a lot about who you are. If your favorite is Queen Elizabeth you're distinguished and respectful. If it's Prince Harry you're impish and fun-loving. If it's Prince Charles you're Prince Charles."

6. Craig Ferguson: "Prince Charles was elated at his son's engagement. William sat him down and said, Dad, I have great news,' and Charles said, 'Grandma's dead?' Charles is so afraid he'll never be King. He spends more time hugging that throne than a bulimic supermodel."

5. Jimmy Fallon: "Tiger Woods joined Twitter today. But just remember, if you retweet him, you're retweeting everyone he ever tweeted."

4. Jimmy Fallon: "George W. Bush's famous 'Mission Accomplished' banner may be put in his Presidential Library. They plan to hang it up as soon as they start construction."

3. Jimmy Kimmel's National Unfriend Day for Facebook friends was the 4th most-searched term in the world on Google Trends, and it's been all over the news. "I wonder if this is what Jesus felt like when he started Christmas."

2. Jay Leno: "Brett Favre has thrown 16 interceptions this year. I think it's because he's played for too many teams. He throws it and goes, 'Oh, that was last year!'"

1. Jon Stewart showed Bristol Palin's abstinence PSA with 'Jersey Shore's' The Situation where he dangles condoms at her. "By the way, if he gets her pregnant, it's officially designated The Situation womb."

Tuesday, November 16

10. Conan O'Brien: "A cruise line is offering a 'cougar cruise' for women in their 40s & 50s & much younger men. The cruise will get underway as soon as a man signs up."

9. Conan O'Brien: "Scientists think Neanderthals lived fast and died young. So don't expect to see a 3rd season of 'Jersey Shore.'"

8. Jimmy Kimmel: "Prince William is marrying Kate Middleton. It surprised me. I totally thought he was going to pick Vienna."

7. Jimmy Fallon: "Over 5 million people tuned in for 'Sarah Palin's Alaska' on TLC, which now stands for The Learnifying Channel."

6. Craig Ferguson: "Doctor Who has been played by 11 different people, kind of like Cher. When a new actor plays Doctor Who they just say he regenerated. Not like when Dick York turned into Dick Sargent on 'Bewitched.' They didn't explain why. They just did it. By the way, Dick Sargent was my rank in the West Hollywood Volunteer Army."

5. Jimmy Kimmel:  "Bristol Palin again got the lowest score in 'Dancing with the Stars, and again she wasn't eliminated. She's invincible. She cannot be destroyed. She's like a no-fun version of Charlie Sheen. Imagine how many votes she would get if she could actually dance."

4. Jay Leno:  "A New Zealand man will serve 4 months in prison for posting naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Four months in prison? How ugly was she?"

3.
David Letterman:  "You can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, 'Hey, why can't we have both?' That extensive body pat-down, there's your stimulus package."

2. Jay Leno: "It was bad enough when they went through your underwear while it was in your luggage."

1. Conan O'Brien: "A Chinese woman is getting a lot of attention for being the first mother to go on television and say something supportive about a gay son. Unfortunately, all she said was, 'It's still better than having a daughter.'"

Monday, November 15

10. Conan O'Brien showed a clip from "Sarah Palin's Alaska" with the Palin family in a boat and bears on shore, but Conan substituted two bears having sex. Then we heard Sarah Palin say, "So I looked at Todd and said, 'Are your feeling what I'm feeling?'"

9. Jimmy Kimmel: "The new guidelines for TSA searches, they can only pat you down until the music stops, and if they want to do more they have to pay you another $20. They touch the inside of your thighs and your buttocks. I get more action going through security than I did all through high school.

8. Craig Ferguson: "San Francisco is considering a ban on circumcision. So you're going to ask the voters in San Francisco to make it illegal for doctors to go near their penises. Good luck with that."

7. Jimmy Kimmel: "The search problem would be totally fixed if the TSA just hired more attractive screeners, right?"

6. "On the way back from Asia, Air Force One stopped in Anchorage, Alaska, which hopefully is the only time we'll hear Air Force One and Anchorage, Alaska in the same sentence."

5. Jay Leno: "This week President Obama has to pardon a turkey, deal with a lame duck Congress, and eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It's a fowl week."

4. David Letterman: "They do a lot of fishing in Alaska, and a lot of it is catch and release, like what they do with Lindsay Lohan."

3. Stephen Colbert: And you can opt out of the full-body scan and choose the alternative, letting the TSA touch your T&A. It's just like an 8th grade basement make-out party, except instead of your mother interrupting, she's getting stroked in the next line."

2. Jon Stewart:  "President Obama is back from his 10-day Asian tour, and I haven't seen a trip reviewed this badly since the Griswalds went to Vegas."

1. Conan O'Brien: "Bill Clinton has a cameo in the new 'Hangover 2' movie. When asked why Clinton was in the movie, the producer said, 'There are some things Mike Tyson won't do.'"


Special Report Sunday, November 14
Tina Fey Receiving the Mark Twain Prize at the Kennedy Center

Jon Hamm: "Tina and I met in 1996 when she was still a struggling improviser at Chicago's famed Second City and I was still a woman." "I wonder what would have happened if, instead of 'Mad Men' I'd accepted that part on '30 Rock.' But Tracey Morgan was better for the role."

Betty White: "I'm probably the only one here who actually dated Mark Twain. And I can tell you, he wasn't known as Samuel LONGHORN Clemens for nothing." "And Tina never had to put out to get where she is. She did it because she's a nymphomaniac."

Seth Meyers: "It's so wonderful being here in D.C. the week after the elections. You can feel the electricity being shut off."
"The best way to describe Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin, it's like watching Superman put on his glasses and become Clark Kent."

Tina Fey: "I want to thank everyone associated with The Kennedy Center, which will soon be known as The Tea Party Bowling Alley and Rifle Range." "I hope that, like Mark Twain, 100 years from now people will look at my body of work and say, 'Wow, that's pretty racist.'" "I'm not going to get emotional tonight, because I'm a stone-cold bitch." "My Mom and Dad are very proud of me tonight, so maybe it's a good time to tell you, I'm putting you in a home." "Well, I don't want to take too much of your time, because I know we have to talk about the other four nominees."

For more try www.pbs.org/mark-twain-prize/  They'll probably put up a video of the whole show.

Friday, November 12

10. Jay Leno: "There's an iPhone app that lets you put urine on the phone and it tells you whether you have an STD. This is going to be a problem for guys with a flip phone. Do you leave the lid up or down?"

9. Jay Leno: "The Postal Service lost $8.5 billion this year. They're blaming it on people using e-mail. And terrorists switching to UPS."

8. David Letterman: "Lindsay Lohan has a Christmas album, 'The 12 Steps of Christmas.'"

7. David Letterman: "'Sarah Palin's Alaska' starts Sunday. She takes you all around Alaska and shows you where she waterboarded Levi Johnston."

6. David Letterman:  "George W. Bush was being interviewed on his book tour, and he said Sarah Palin was not qualified to be President. Wow!"

5. Craig Ferguson: "When I heard there was a new movie 'Unstoppable,' I thought it was about me with a bedazzler, but it's about a runaway train."

4. Jimmy Fallon: "One of Apple's oldest computers is expected to go for $200,000 at auction. But you know they're going to come out with a new oldest computer in about three months."

3. Jay Leno: "On Stephen Colbert's show Martha Stewart says at Thanksgiving she gets her turkey drunk and then kills it with her bare hands. I'll tell you, prison has really changed Martha."

2. Jay Leno: "One woman on that disabled Carnival Cruise ship said she would never go on another cruise as long as she lives, and her husband said in that case it was worth it."

1. David Letterman: "It's been over a week and the Republicans still haven't fixed the economy. So vote Democrat in 2012."


Thursday, November 11

10. Conan O'Brien: "Britain's Prince William is reportedly engaged to his longtime girlfriend. It's a big step up for her from 'peasant with benefits.'"

9. David Letterman: "A new study finds 32 million Americans live alone. So there is no stigma for Jennifer Aniston."

8. Jimmy Kimmel: "The Parents' TV Council reports profanity on television is up 69% in the past 5 years. I'd have rounded it up to 70% if I'd been them. That will level off, of course, after Oprah steps down."

7. Jay Leno had an interview with the Carnival captain: "What was it like being stranded out there with no one to help you?" Captain: "You should know. You had that show at 10 o'clock."

6. Jimmy Fallon: "A woman gave birth in the back of a New York City cab this week. You could tell she wasn't going to make it to the hospital. Her contractions were coming every four dollars and sixty cents."

5. Jimmy Fallon:  "A woman in Illinois was arrested for hitting a police officer with a sex toy. Luckily there's a good chance she'll get off."

4. Craig Ferguson: "A woman in Illinois was arrested for attacking a policeman with a sex toy. I don't know what the charge is. Assault with a friendly weapon? Grand theft dildo? The police officer said, 'Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to stop. Eventually.'"

3. David Letterman:  "On his book tour President Bush is being very candid. He says he used to do stupid things when he was drunk. But then who among us hasn't had a few and then invaded Iraq?"

2. Jay Leno: "The Carnival Cruise liner was disabled and drifted for two days without any power, and thus earned the ship the nickname 'The Democratic Party.'"

1. Stephen Colbert: "Wall Street hands out new bonuses. Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on."


Wednesday, November 10

10. Jay Leno: "Nancy Pelosi is having a party to celebrate her years of running the House. If you wonder what kind of party it will be, I think we can rule out tea party."

9. Conan O'Brien: "Our show is called 'Conan,' but we considered a lot of other names: 'Plan B with Conan O'Brien,' One Hour to Lopez,' 'The "C" Word,' 'Coco Gigante,' 'Hanky Panky with a Lanky Yankee,' 'Laying Cable - Basic Style,' 'One Night Closer to Death,' 'S**t a Tall Irish Attention Whore Says,' and finally, 'Taller and Gayer Ellen.'"

8. Conan O'Brien: "A zookeeper in Taiwan has been fined after the birth of 3 ligers, a cross between a lion and a tiger. Then he got in real trouble after the birth of a manopotomous."

7. David Letterman: "President Bush is back. And people really seem to love that new red beard. But he's getting criticism. John Boehner, new Speaker of the House, says Bush doesn't care about orange people."

6. Jay Leno: "A priest in Massachusetts stole $83,000 from the parish to buy pornography on the internet. He was robbing Peter to pay Porn. The church transferred him to another parish with free wi-fi."

5. Jay Leno: "We have a new World's Oldest Woman, a Texan who just turned 115. Let's hope her birthday wish comes true. She hopes the economy improves so she can save enough money to retire."

4. Conan O'Brien: "Amazon.com is coming under fire for selling a book about pedophilia. And if you think that's bad, you should see what Amazon says buyers of the book might also like."

3. Craig Ferguson: "Police in South Carolina arrested a burglar who was found face-down, naked, with a mouse in his rectum. I know. That's the noise I made when I heard about it. A mouse in his rectum? I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like someone slipped him a Mickey."

2. Jimmy Fallon: "Bristol Palin has made it to the semi-finals of 'Dancing with the Stars.' I'm not saying she's going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for it's going all the way."

1. Jimmy Fallon: "I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency."

Tuesday, November 9

10. Craig Ferguson: "Today the Disney Channel canceled the Jonas Brothers' TV show. I went, 'What!? I hate you!' It's bad enough they fired them. Even worse, they had Goofy deliver the news. 'Duh, gloog, hit the road, bitches!'"

9. Jimmy Fallon guest Rory Scovel: "I'm trying to give up smoking pot, but it's not easy. They keep coming out with 3-D movies."

8. Jimmy Kimmel: "What if Bristol Palin wins 'Dancing with the Stars?' How afraid can America be of her mother? She can't dance. She's not a star. The only part of the show that applies to her is the 'with the.' I wouldn't have believed that a dancing competition could make me question whether I really live in a democracy or not."

7. Jay Leno: "There's now an iPhone app that lets you put a urine sample into the phone to test for STDs. You can test a potential partner before sex. That wouldn't kill the mood. 'Excuse me, could you pee on my phone?' And what if you're doing that and get an incoming call? Does it electrocute you?"

6. David Letterman: "In his memoir Bush says he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from the guy whose running mate shot his buddy in the face."

5. David Letterman: "President Obama has been to India, South Korea and Japan, and he's not going to stop until he finds his birth certificate."

4. Stephen Colbert: "'Decision Points' by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he's got you hooked. Did he write them or didn't he? You won't know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there's one thing we've learned it's that we can't believe something is there just because Bush says it is."

3. Jimmy Fallon:  "A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don't get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular."

2. Craig Ferguson: "President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star."

1. Jimmy Kimmel: "George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don't know if Bush does know what he knows now."

100 YouTube Clips in 4 Minutes
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Monday, November 8

10. Jimmy Fallon: "It's rumored Sally Field is going to be in the next 'Spiderman' movie. This is the one in which he fights his old nemesis Decreased Bone Density. It's in 3-D, which should be really exciting."

9. Jimmy Kimmel: "I'm sponsoring National Unfriend Day, when you get rid of people on Facebook who aren't real friends. If you have 300 FB friends and spend 3 minutes a week on each of them, that's 15 hours a week. That's a part time job, and instead of money you get paid in kitten videos."

8. Jimmy Kimmel: "I spent my extra hour setting 11 different clocks back. Most people like daylight savings. At this point daylight is the only savings most Americans have. Now the nocturnal animals come out earlier, so be on the lookout for skunks, raccoons and Snookies."

7. Conan O'Brien: "I wanted to cover everything that's happened since we left in just one joke. Then I realized that would be like trying to keep an Icelandic volcano from wearing Lady Gaga's meat dress while a trapped Chilean miner cleans up the BP oil spill, comma, Brett Favre's penis."

6. Jay Leno: "President Obama is in India how, hiding. You know what they say, go where the jobs are. He's been there 2 days, and Republicans are already accusing him of being a Hindu."

5. David Letterman: "President George W. Bush is promoting his memoirs. Tomorrow he'll be on the Rachel Ray show, waterboarding a veal cutlet. I'm not going to read it until he reads it. In the book he claims he's happy to be out of Washington. Well, that makes it unanimous."

4. Jay Leno: "President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober."

3. Craig Ferguson: "Bush has written his memoirs, 512 pages long. But to be fair, half those pages are just games and puzzles. In the middle there's an Iraq maze it's pretty much impossible to get out of."

2. Jon Stewart: "I want to congratulate Conan O'Brien. He goes back on the air tonight. Let me just check the time. Son of a bitch! He's on at the same time as me. Now I'll never get to watch me."

1. Conan O'Brien: "That applause lasted longer than my last job. Welcome to my second annual first show. I've dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46."

Friday, November 5
(All off or in reruns except Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson)

10. Jay Leno:  "The world's oldest person has died at 114. Know how she died? Trying to send a telegram while driving."

9. Jimmy Fallon: "Daylight savings ends this weekend. If you're confused just remember you gain an hour every fall; you lose an hour every time you watch 'Jersey Shore.'"

8. Jay Leno: "John Boehner, the new Speaker of the House, is the orange-looking guy. In the Republican Party that counts as diversity. He's a person of color."

7. Jimmy Fallon: "Lady Gaga went to a yoga class in London wearing platform boots, sunglasses and a dress. That may sound impractical, but she totally nailed the position Downward Facing Weirdo."

6. David Letterman: "The New York City Marathon, when the starter shoots the pistol, is the only event where there's return fire. And this year they've added bulls."

5. David Letterman to guest Steve Martin: "Acting, writing, music, how do you have time to do it all?" Steve: "Well, I don't have a job ..."

4. Jay Leno: "Last night we had Brian "The Beard' Wilson from the S.F. Giants, and you saw the fans with those signs, 'Fear the Beard.' It's also good advice when picking up a hooker on Hollywood Blvd."

3. Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Note: "Thank you, coarse wool sweaters, for having a relationship with my nipples that can best be described as problematic."

2. David Letterman:  "The Republicans were voted back in because they have a plan to fix Charlie Sheen."

1. Jay Leno:  "ABC announced the cast of 'Skating with the Stars.' No, this isn't about the L.A. legal system."

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Stieg Larsson, Alfred A. Knopf 2010

This is the third best-seller about Lisbeth Salander, computer hacker action heroine, and journalist Mikael Blomkvist.

Page 129 - As  the situation developed, the futility of attempting suicide in the middle of a hospital became apparent. Gullberg was transported at top speed to the hospital's trauma unit, where Dr. Jonasson received him and immediately initiated a battery of measures to maintain his vital functions.
.

Thursday, November 4

10. Craig Ferguson: "The 'Kama Sutra' was developed by this particular sect, and there temples have these very explicit stone carvings, like big stony porn. Incidentally, Big Stony Porn is the name I wrestled under." Robot Skeleton Geoff Peterson: "In your pants."

9. Jimmy Fallon: "A court has reinstated the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy even though another court struck it down a few weeks ago, which means it's time for some soldiers to implement a policy called Just Kidding. Gay soldiers are going, 'What's going on? I haven't been this confused since high school.'"

8. Jay Leno: "Spencer and Heidi are thinking of filing for bankruptcy. I think it's moral bankruptcy."

7. Jay Leno: "And since all this trouble with trashing the hotel room, the hooker, the cocaine, all that, ratings for Charlie Sheen's TV show have soared. You know what this means? I may have to take one for the team."

6. Craig Ferguson: "The world's oldest woman passed away today at 114, and so continues the curse on the world's oldest women. It seems like, as soon as they get the title ..."

5. Jimmy Fallon: "Facebook decreased its font size this week. They say now it's so small you won't even feel it when you're getting poked."

4. Jimmy Fallon: "This weekend is the New York City Marathon, the one race in America that's yet to be insulted by Mel Gibson."

3. Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama is visiting India, and they're removing coconuts from trees to be sure they don't fall on him. Coconuts are the 2nd-most-dangerous things that can fall out of a coconut tree, right after Keith Richards."

2. Jay Leno: "Tuesday night Americans completely rejected the efforts of a charismatic  African American who was trying to do the best he could. Rick Fox was voted off 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

1. David Letterman: "Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities."

The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian and granddaughter.

Page 423 - I didn't know if this was Holmes' granddaughter or not, but in truth, it no longer mattered. Damian loved her, therefore she was ours.

429 - I chewed on dry biscuits and drank a bottled beer, studying her. She was, I saw, the three-and-a-half-year-old I had hypothesized: Reading or not, friends with an older child or not, that sleeping face had the soft and unformed features of a near-infant.
So it was no surprise, when she stirred and woke half an hour later, to feel myself looked upon by a pair of eerily familiar grey eyes, imperious as a newly hatched hawk.
They were Holmes' eyes. Estelle was Damian's child.

.

Wednesday, November 3

10. Jimmy Kimmel: "The two big priorities are cutting taxes and reducing the debt, which is sort of like wanting to lose weight and win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest."

9. Jay Leno: "Not only did Meg Whitman lose, now she can't find anybody to clean her house."

8. Jay Leno: "Despite being caught paying $300 for a prostitute David Vitter easily won reelection. Voters respected his fiscal conservatism, paying only $300, compared to liberal Eliot Spitzer who paid $5,000. That's a $4,700 savings to the taxpayers right there."

7. David Letterman: "Pundits say Christine O'Donnell's political career may be over, but she still has six months as a punchline."

6. Craig Ferguson: "The CNN election coverage was constantly being interrupted by text messages from Brett Favre. Then the commentator would say,'There's a big swing to the right in Minnesota.'"

5. Jimmy Fallon: "The election was horrible for Democrats but wonderful for moving companies in the D.C. area."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: "Now the Senate and the House have become Dina and Michael Lohan, and we're all Lindsay."

3. Jay Leno: "Have you seen San Francisco's AT&T Field? I'd say it's as beautiful as Chicago's Wrigley Field in late October, but nobody's seen Wrigley Field in late October."

2. Jay Leno:  "The Republicans won by a mudslide."

1. David Letterman: "In Washington today volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild."

The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian and granddaughter.

Page 400 - "What, after five years you just drop in?"
"I was pining, couldn't keep away from you any longer."
"Don't let my husband hear you," she warned playfully.
"Plenty to go around," he replied, and she crowed in delight.

.

Tuesday, Novmber 2
(Leno, Letterman, Fallon & Ferguson in reruns due to election coverage)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: "All his life people have called John Boehner 'Boner,' and now America is going to pay. It's the reason his brother Dick stayed out of politics altogether."

9. Jimmy Kimmel: "Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen has filed for divorce from his wife Brook Muller. I guess he's just finally had enough of her shenanigans. I just hope he's able to adjust back to the single life."

8. Jimmy Kimmel: "Bristol Palin again had the lowest score on 'Dancing with the Stars' and again lived to dance another week. Rick Fox is the latest head mounted on the Palin wall."

7. Stephen Colbert: "There have been some voting machine irregularities. In W.Va. Error 44 Page Not Found is on the way to the House of Representatives."

6. Jon Stewart: Olivia Munn: "John Boehner is the first Orange American elected official."

5. Stephen Colbert:  "Given West Virginia's habit of blowing the tops off mountains to get coal, pretty much everything that happens is a landslide."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: "Our forefathers fought and died for our right to choose, and to honor them, today almost 12% of us went out and voted.

3. Jon Stewart: Jason Jones: "Carl Paladino in New York campaigned very hard not to become governor, and he succeeded. He must be very pleased."

2. Jimmy Kimmel: "The San Francisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers to win the World Series for the 1st time in 56 years, and the fans back home celebrated with riots, overturning Priuses, throwing bottles of bio-dynamically farmed zinfandel, building huge clean-burning bonfires. There hasn't been a riot like this in San Francisco since HBO announced 'Sex & the City' was going off the air."

1. Jimmy Kimmel: "What Meg Whitman should have done with her $140 million is make a 'Terminator' movie. That's how our current governor did it."

The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian and granddaughter.

Page 318 - Clarissa Ledger was a Huxley -- cousin of some sort to Thomas Henry, "Darwin's Bulldog," whose grandson Aldous looked to be the literary world's latest "enfant terrible."

364 - "The islands are tricky, the winds can be difficult. I'd trust my mother to Cash."
"This mother of yours: Is she still alive"
"My sister, then."
.

Monday, Novmber 1

10. Jay Leno:  "The porn star is suing Charlie Sheen because she says her trust was broken. She may never be able to have coked-up sex with a stranger for money ever again."

9. Jimmy Kimmel: "I got huge bags of candy and then not one kid came to the house. I think the moat might be scaring them away."

8. Craig Ferguson: "A candidate's personality is more important than their beliefs. When I hire a plumber I don't care about their personality. I just want the job done. I just want him to fix the sink and show me his ass crack. Sometimes I don't even want the sink fixed. Then I get the plumber and I hide them in the closet.

7. Craig Ferguson: "It's a big day for our friends in Brazil. They've given us Brazil nuts, the Brazilian wax, the Brazilian nut wax ... Anyway, they've just elected their 1st female president. She's now the world's most powerful Latina woman. Sorry, Ricky Martin. Your reign as queen is over."

6. Jimmy Fallon: "Starting tomorrow McDonald's is offering McRibs again. It's a trick to keep stoners away from the polls."

5. Jimmy Fallon: "Obama sent out an e-mail asking his supporters to take at least 3 people with them to vote. That's not how people vote. That's how women go to the bathroom."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: "Prop 19 might not pass in California. With all the Halloween candy this isn't a good week to try to get stoners to leave the house."

3. Jay Leno: "Charlie Sheen spent $14,000 on candy for Halloween. It was a stripper named Candy, but still ..."

2. Jay Leno: "Searches at the airport are a lot more invasive. Now they run their hands up the insides of your legs. So, guys, evidently they're checking all packages."

1.  Craig Ferguson: "After getting sacked in a game Brett Favre needed 10 stitches in his face, but he's still just as photogenic as ever. As he was being tackled he went, 'Not the penis! Not the penis!'"

The Language of Bees by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2009

Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes investigate the mystery of some swarming bees and also track down a religious psycho murderer who's kidnapped Sherlock's son Damian and granddaughter.

Page 281 - "You're suggesting that when 'Testimony' says the narrator 'preserved the mortal life of the Guide from flames and the turmoil of an angry earth,' he is talking about Crowley and San Francisco?"

313 - [Sherlock]: "He knows. One must remember, the Bohemian way of life is not a surface dressing with Damian."
I thought about that, and about the denizens of the Cafe Royal: two couples, leaving arm in arm with the other's spouse; Alice, Ronnie, and their Bunny; the Epstein household of husband, wife, husband's lovers, and their various children; the manifold permutations of the Bloomsbury Group, with lovers, husbands, wives' lovers become husbands' lovers and vice-versa; all of it determinedly natural and open, all of it aimed at a greater definition of humanity.
Yes, Damian could well know, and knowing, permit -- even approve of -- his wife's continued liaison with a man to whom she had once been married.
I had to laugh, a little sadly. "I'm a twenty-four-year-old prude."
"And thank God for it."
.

November Strangies

Monday, November 1 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "After getting sacked in a game Brett Favre needed 10 stitches in his face, but he's still just as photogenic as ever. As he was being tackled he went, 'Not the penis! Not the penis!'"

Tuesday, November 2 Strangie to
Jimmy Kimmel: "What Meg Whitman should have done with her $140 million is make a 'Terminator' movie. That's how our current governor did it."


Wednesday, November 3 Strangie to
David Letterman: "In Washington today volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild."

Thursday, November 4 Strangie to
David Letterman: "Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities."

Friday, November 5 Strangie to
Jay Leno:  "ABC announced the cast of 'Skating with the Stars.' No, this isn't about the L.A. legal system."

Monday, Novermber 8 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: "That applause lasted longer than my last job. Welcome to my second annual first show. I've dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46."

Tuesday, November 9 Strangie to
Jimmy Kimmel: "George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don't know if Bush does know what he knows now."

Wednesday, November 10 Strangie to
Jimmy Fallon: "I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency."

Thursday, November 11 Strangie to
Stephen Colbert: "Wall Street hands out new bonuses. Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on."

Friday, November 12 Strangie to
David Letterman: "It's been over a week and the Republicans still haven't fixed the economy. So vote Democrat in 2012."

Monday, November 15 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: "Bill Clinton has a cameo in the new 'Hangover 2' movie. When asked why Clinton was in the movie, the producer said, 'There are some things Mike Tyson won't do.'"

Tuesday, November 16 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: "A Chinese woman is getting a lot of attention for being the first mother to go on television and say something supportive about a gay son. Unfortunately, all she said was, 'It's still better than having a daughter.'"

Wednesday, November 17 Strangie to
Jon Stewart, who showed Bristol Palin's abstinence PSA with 'Jersey Shore's' The Situation where he dangles condoms at her. "By the way, if he gets her pregnant, it's officially designated The Situation womb."

Thursday, November 18 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "Yesterday a group of economists came up with a plan to reduce the deficit by $6 trillion. All we have to do is switch from incandescent light bulbs to not having a federal government."

Friday, November 19 Strangie to Jay Leno: "One of those airport naked scan images ended up on the internet. And you know who it was? Brett Favre. What are the odds?"

Saturday, November 20 Special Bonus Strangie to
Jimmy Fallon: "Thank you, guinea pigs, for always being up for anything."

Monday, November 22 Strangie to
Jimmy Fallon: "'Skating with the Stars' premiered tonight after 'Dancing with the Stars.' I was able to watch both, due to my TiVo's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy."

Tuesday, November 23 Strangie to
Jay Leno: "North Korea shot mortars into South Korea. North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il is said to still be very angry that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

Wednesday, November 24 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "It's Thanksgiving Eve. One year ago today Tiger Woods crashed his car, and the mistresses came spilling out."

Thursday, November 25 (Thanksgiving) Strangie to
Jay Leno: "A woman in Paris was trapped in a bathroom for 20 days. When she came out she said, 'Is Charlie Sheen gone yet?'"

Friday, November 26: No winners

Monday, November 29 Strangie to Jay Leno: "The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin area over clothes. Same rule my high school prom date had."

Tuesday, November 30 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "On his book tour George W. Bush said, 'I was a Blackberry person, and now I'm an iPad person, so I hope you buy my book in hardcover and electronically.' So there you have it. George W. Bush doesn't care about Blackberries."

For each day's top 10 late-night zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

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