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America's Late-Night-TV Zingers, November 2009

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim

November wins: Leno 6, O'Brien 5, Colbert 2, Ferguson 2, Letterman 2, Fallon 2, Kimmel 1, Handler 1

Nov. 30 winner Jay Leno: "Did you people go shopping on African American Friday?"

 

Monday, November 2

Winner Conan O'Brien: "For Halloween Obama went as the whitest President in U.S. history."

Conan O'Brien:"In one town someone stole pumpkins off peoples' porches and returned them carved. Police suspect Martha Stewart." "An American won the New York City Marathon. We told Kenya the race was next weekend." "A survey at M.I.T. revealed 10% of the male students had had homosexual sex. The other 90% had had no sex."

Jimmy Fallon: "A German warehouse worker ran a forklift into some shelves and broke $150,000-worth of vodka bottles. They had to hire David Hasselhoff to lick all the vodka off the floor."

Craig Ferguson: "Mel Gibson's girlfriend just gave birth to his eighth child, so now he's Octomel." "Elton John has e-coli. How many times have I warned him about putting dirty meat in his mouth." "In Hollywood people claw their way to the top. In West Hollywood they claw their way to the bottom."

Tuesday, November 3

Winner Jay Leno: "An American won the New York City Marathon. So this year Kenyans have to settle for just having won the Presidency."

David Letterman: "In Philadelphia they have the 'Kiss Cam.' Here in New York we have the 'Kiss This Cam.'"

Jay Leno: "We're going to pay Taliban members to switch to our side. It's out Don't Ask, Don't Taliban policy." "A two-year-old was kicked off a Northwest flight for being too loud and cranky. His complaint? Not enough legroom."

Jon Stewart: Title of piece on Cheney: "Is Our Dick Going Soft?"

Conan O'Brien: "In one year Obama has gone from 'Yes We Can' to 'Wow, This Is Freaking Hard!' Which is Bill Clinton's slogan too." "A study shows women are more interested in how a penis looks than in how big it is. As long as it looks big."

Wednesday, November 4

Winner Stephen Colbert: "What should we do about global warming? I say we take a wait and swim approach."

David Letterman: "The entire balcony tonight is filled with defeated Democrats."

Jay Leno: "People are saying you can cure hemorrhoids with marijuana, but I think they're just blowing smoke up your ass."

Conan O'Brien: "At the new Disney World in China, 101 Dalmations will be called The Food Court." "Scientists have discovered a cure for the four-hour erection. It's a box set of 'The Golden Girls.'" Here's a man who'd better be quiet about why he was arrested. "When your cellmate asks what you're in for, you don't want to say, 'Stalking Ryan Seacrest.'"

Conan had William Shatner read Sarah Palin's daughter's baby daddy's tweets.

Jimmy Fallon: "'Sesame Street' is 40. It's so old it's being brought to us by the letters A, A, R and P."

Thursday, November 5

Winner Jimmy Fallon: "Al Gore signs each book, 'I'm sorry, tree.'"

David Letterman "Big Parade for the Yankees. The city finally gets to use all that ticker tape they've been saving up for Amelia Earhart. The Yankees have to make a big decision. Are they going to stick with Kate Hudson or sign Drew Barrymore?"

Jay Leno: "Just think, when their Japanese star joined the Yankees he couldn't even speak Spanish." "I'm sorry Maine voted down gay marriage. I'd go to a gay wedding. Maybe not a gay bachelor party." "Wal-Mart is now selling caskets. And if it's for your mother-in-law you'll find it in the Home Improvements Department."

Stephen Colbert: "I can prove the free market system works. The Yankees won the World Series."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Oprah may be moving to Los Angeles. We'd better clean this place up quick. If it weren't for Oprah I'd never be able to find a bra that fits me." "A cat has come down with swine flu. But don't worry; they're still safe to eat."

Craig Ferguson: "Actors are just carneys with good teeth."

Friday, November 6

Winner Conan O'Brien: "China is auctioning off 5,000 condoms left over from the Olympics, but since they're Chinese they only stop you from conceiving a girl."

David Letterman: "New York City has the most rats of any city. What upsets me is that every one of those rats has health care. They're everywhere. Have you been down to the Harbor today?"

Guest Ricky Gervais: "My favorite country western song is 'I Hate Every Bone in Your Body Except Mine.'"

Conan O'Brien: "Chrysler has adopted a new logo to increase sales. It says 'Toyota.'" "Here in L.A. a medical marijuana clinic has opened next to a Starbucks. So now Starbucks is cleaning up selling pizzachinos." "After 24 days a guy escaped from terrorists by cooking them Indian food. He ran away while they were in the bathroom." "A woman was arrested for embezzling money to pay for breast implants. The judge freed her and then asked her out to dinner."

Jimmy Kimmel showed the Yankee Victory Parade, but it was actually a Gay Parade with Yankee players' faces on the naked bodies.

Jimmy Fallon: "Derek Jeeter said the Yankee Victory Parade was the best ride in the world, and A-Rod went, 'Uh, sure.'" "Last week economists said the recession was over, but this week those economists were laid off."

Craig Ferguson: "Elton John's out of the hospital. A group of doctors gathered around his bed and gave him an early release." "A man got three years in prison for having sex with a horse. And he has to pay alipony." "I don't know about the new movie with Jim Carrey as Scrooge. Who wants to see an old man in a nightgown in 3-D? Besides, no one says 'Bah humbug' any more. Up on Hollywood Boulevard they'll say 'Ah bumbug.' Dickens described Tiny Tim as lame, which in those days meant people would pity you. Today if you're lame you just get your own talk show."

Monday, November 9

Winner Stephen Colbert: "Democrats in the House passed the health care bill late Saturday night when they knew Republicans would be home watching Wanda Sykes' new show on Fox."

David Letterman: "They're auctioning off Bernie Madoff's stuff, including the engagement ring he got from his new fiancé Phil, and some candy he swiped from a baby."

Jay Leno: "The insurance companies are fuming. They say they bought and paid for those Congressmen, and Obama had no right to go talk with them." "Do you know what kind of bird kills more Americans than any other? The fried chicken." "San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom disappeared and showed up in Hawaii. He was flying Northwest from Los Angeles and they overshot." Headlines: "African dinner features missionaries." "Fat Toush Restaurant."

Jon Stewart segment title: "Health Care: The Men Who Stare at Votes."

Conan O'Brien: "Michelle Obama appeared on 'Sesame Street.' and Bert and Ernie asked her why her husband was dragging his feet on gay marriage."

Craig Ferguson: "Reagan said, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.' The closest any other President came was Bill Clinton, 'Miss Lewinsky ...'"

Tuesday, November 10

Winner Craig Ferguson: "Miss California, the one who got in trouble by opposing gay marriage, is in trouble again for a sex tape. When a naive beauty queen starts addressing political issues it doesn't end well. Just look at Sarah Palin."

Jay Leno: "The Dodgers owner says his wife is having an affair with her driver. He got suspicious when the driver would pick her up and they'd both get into the back seat."

Jon Stewart: "Berlin Wall Has Iron Curtain Call. Legends of the Wall."

Conan O'Brien: "Jennifer Lopez is suing her ex-husband for threatening to release a sex tape of her. It's a pity. It's the first J-Lo movie anyone's wanted to see in ten years."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Carrie Prejean, the dethroned Miss California, is a family values contestant who's made a sex tape." "Senator Barney Frank wouldn't recognize a marijuana plant if it bit him in the bong."

Jimmy Fallon: "'Sesame Street, Special Victim's Unit.'" "A 98-year-old couple is divorcing. She found another woman's teeth in the bedroom. They claimed irreconcilable diapers."

Craig Ferguson: "'Sesame Street' is 40. The Cookie Monster has had to switch to low fat, and just see how grouchy Oscar gets after that prostate exam." "How do they contact Batman during the day?"

Wednesday, November 11

Winner Jay Leno: "Sammy Sosa's skin has mysteriously been getting lighter, but his family is defending him: Tito Sosa, Janet Sosa, Latoya Sosa ..."

Jay Leno: "Miss California says she made that sex tape of just herself for private use. Who would do that, besides Donald Trump?" "A strip club in Vegas is running a truck up and down the Strip with girls in it in a glass cage. It's like an aquarium on wheels, but with more crabs."

Jon Stewart: "Jon Stewart Puts You in Unusual Positions: The Grateful Dead are looking for an archivist. So you just have to love the Grateful Dead AND have exceptional organizational skills." Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore on "Is blackface ever okay? Blackface is only okay if you have a black face."

Stephen Colbert: "Glossed Cause: A major metropolitan newspaper ['The San Francisco Chronicle'] went glossy to attract readers. I read that on the internet."

Conan O'Brien: "Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan who'll work for $5 an hour." "If Spencer Pratt does decide to get a vasectomy the procedure will gladly be paid for by the whole human race." "Ryan Seacrest is the third-richest guy on TV. He says he's always dreamed of having two rich guys on top of him." Guest Redman: "I used self-checkout, and it's weird. I'd thought I was a valued customer, but evidently I'm an employee."

Jimmy Kimmel: "There's a new cure for erectile dysfunction called Humpitol."

Craig Ferguson: "Bernie Madoff's personal possessions are being auctioned off today. His watch went for $8,000, and his ass went for a carton of cigarettes."

Thursday, November 12

Winner: David Letterman: "Oprah is sitting down with Sarah Palin for a whole hour Monday. It's a pity John McCain didn't do that before he picked her."

Jay Leno: "Lou Dobbs didn't want to quit CNN, but his work visa had expired." "The Vatican is looking for life on other planets. They've run out of parishes to send those priests." "A school in North Carolina is letting students pay $20 to raise their test scores. It's Cash for Flunkers." "Two 98-year-olds have divorced. They wanted to wait until the children were dead." "Miss California says her solo sex tape is an abstinence instructional video." "ABC has canceled 'Eastwick, a show about a bunch of witches. They figured they already had 'The View.'"

Stephen Colbert: "Like their product, the Miracle Whip people just won't stay down." "Lou Dobbs has quit to spend more time misinforming his family."

Conan O'Brien: In China President Obama plans to visit the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, and America's money." "On the 'Forbes' list the founders of Google are above the Pope. The Pope can help you find God, but Google can help you find naked pictures of God." "The Pope says there may be life on other planets that we can make feel guilty." "The rumors are false. Aerosmith is not only not breaking up, they're moving into the same assisted living facility." "Girls with big breasts are smarter than girls with small breasts, though the guy doing the study admits he wasn't really paying attention." "Levi Johnston admits the irony of posing naked for a 'Playgirl' centerfold when he's most famous for not pulling out."

Jimmy Fallon: "Lou Dobbs says he wants to become involved in creative problem solving. He's already solved a big problem for CNN."

Craig Ferguson: "A man in Florida was arrested for making a phone sex call to 911. I just call the firemen direct. 'Hello, I'd like to speak to Mr. October.'" "When he was a struggling actor Sean Connery was a nude model for an art school. 'I hope you students have plenty of purple.'"

Friday, November 13

Winner Conan O'Brien: "While grabbing at a dropped cell phone a man drove his million-dollar car into a lake. On the plus side, he still has his small penis."

Jay Leno: "They've come out with meat-flavored bottled water. Didn't that used to be called vomit?"

Conan O'Brien: "The first Chinese question of Obama was, 'Why would anyone have two daughters?" "Sarah Palin says John McCain spent $50,000 on a background check of her. McCain says, 'We should have spent $75,000.'" "The Mayans say the world will end in 2012. It'll actually end this Christmas with the release of 'Alvin and the Chipmunks, the Sqeakquel.'"

Craig Ferguson: "The Mayans had a very sophisticated calendar. I have a very sophisticated calendar: 'The Men of Fire Station #9.'"

Monday, November 16

Winner Jay Leno: "The Chinese presented President Obama with a bootleg copy of 'Twilight: New Moon.'"

David Letterman: "President Obama is in China. Here's a man who understands oppressive regimes. After all, he lives with his mother-in-law." Top Ten Surprises In The Sarah Palin Book: 10. Cover photo is actually Tina Fey. 8. Nearly had to pull out of campaign after spraining her winking muscle. 6. Includes fantasy sequence where she beats Katie Couric with her own microphone. 5. Someone's got a crush on Jon Gosselin. 4. It's a science fiction romance about moody teenage vampires. 3. Favorite website: YoubetchaTube. 2. Includes Levi Johnston centerfold. 1. Even Sarah doesn't know what Todd does.

Jay Leno: "Police paid a guy $180 to go into a massage parlor and have sex four times. And they say there are no good jobs out there!" "Australian doctors are developing a technique to let women grow larger breasts. They tried it first on pigs. Breasts that smell like bacon? Heaven!" "Levi Johnston is getting advice from Jon Gosselin. I have advice for both of them. Wear a condom."

Jon Stewart: Headlines for a story about the Toy Hall of Fame: "Jon Stewart Looks at Children's Things. Uncle Jon Has Something to Show You. Windowless News Van for Kids."

Stephen Colbert: "The gays want more rights. Come on, we already gave them Doogie Howser." "That bow in Japan made Obama look weaker than Karl Rove's chin."

Conan O'Brien: "Lou Dobbs says he'll find his next job by hanging out in the parking lot at Home Depot." "Angelina Jolie is going to adopt a Syrian child. She really doesn't want another kid, but with 12 punches on your card you get one free." "Britney Spears is marketing her own iPhone app. It helps you find the 7-11 where you left your children." "Australian doctors are developing a technique to let women grow their breasts larger without implants. And by 'doctors' I mean 'heroes.'" "The Spanish government is promoting masturbation with the slogan, 'Pleasure is in your hands.' The second choice was, 'Take a whack at happiness.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "In a speech Bill Gates said Steve Jobs has done wonderful things. Then Gates froze up and had to be restarted." "A woman in England with Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome has up to 300 orgasms a day. She finally found a man who can satisfy her. His name is Duracell."

Craig Ferguson: "This afternoon Sarah Palin hinted she wants to be the leader of the free world, and Oprah was sitting right there." "A woman in England claims she has 300 orgasms a day. When doctors asked her if that was true she said, 'Yes! Yes! Yes!'" "The movie '2012' is so successful they're making a sequel where the world ends again. It's '2013: The Legend of Curly's Gold.' The world ends because of the shifting of the Earth's poles. I always stick to the same one so the regulars can find me."

Tuesday, November 17

Winner Jay Leno: "It looks like Dick Cheney will run for President in 2012, as predicted by the Mayans."

David Letterman: "For good luck Sheikh Mohammed hopes Kate Hudson will attend his trial. You know, I think he looks really familiar. Remember when he was part of this group?"

"In '2012' six billion people are wiped out. In the end it gets really scary. A meteor almost collides with Balloon Boy."

Jay Leno:"Three men in Russia killed a guy, ate part of his corpse and then sold the rest to a shish-kebab restaurant. Police were grilling them all night." "Carrie Prejean, Miss California, said she sent all those sex tapes to his boyfriend while he was out of town. It just proves, absence does make the hand grow fondlier." "An English woman says she has an orgasm every time she sneezes. What is she taking for it? Pepper."
Herb Caen's column, San Francisco Chronicle 1/19/95: "Dame Edna Everage on the horn to Strange de Jim: 'I've started having orgasms every time I sneeze.' Strange: 'Good Lord, what're you doing about it?' Edna: 'Well, right now I'm lying naked in my freezer snorting pepper.'" Strange: 'God bless you!'"

Jon Stewart: "Submission Accomplished: Correspondent Aasif Mandvi was complaining about President Obama bowing to the Japanese Emperor: "That was so wimpy, I don't know if we even get to keep our World War II trophy."

Conan O'Brien: "In her new book Sarah Palin says she doesn't like vegetarians. She says they should go back to Vegetaria where they came from. She also says that the first time she saw her future husband Todd she said, 'Thank you, God!' Oddly, that's the same thing Democrats said when they first saw Sarah Palin." "There's a growing market for environmentally friendly sex toys such as hand-cranked vibrators. In a related story, Paris Hilton is being treated for carpal tunnel syndrome." Conan says "Twilight: New Moon" is too sexy. He showed a clip of shirtless guys turning into werewolves, which then started humping.

Jimmy Kimmel: "One of the 'Dancing with the Stars' women is in 'Playboy.' She says it's because posing nude is empowering to women. I'm sure a guy came up with that idea." "Sarah Palin won't say she's running for President in 2012, but she just got a very generous campaign contribution from President Obama. Her new book is #1. The #2 is a horror story by Stephen King: 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" "Teenage girls started camping out in front of theaters Wednesday for 'Twilight: New Moon.' I've never liked anything enough to camp out, not even camping."

Jimmy Fallon: "Sarah Palin was on Oprah, and she said running for President in 2012 is not on her radar, which was very disappointing to Democrats." "'The Oxford Dictionary' picked 'unfriend' as the new word of the year, or as CNN called it, 'Lou Dobbsing.' Runner-up words were 'manscaping' and 'lady boner.'" "Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' came out today. You'll find it on bookshelves next to Levi Johnston's 'Going Commando.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Robert Pattinson walked out of an interview with Ryan Seacrest when he was asked an inappropriate question, 'Can I have your phone number?'" "President Obama is in China. We used to be supreme in the world. We were like Alec Baldwin towering over the other Baldwin brothers, but not anymore. If we're going to battle the Chinese for supremacy we're going to need a lot more Octomoms." "There's a big controversy because Obama bowed to the Japanese Emperor, when everyone knows it's supposed to be fist bump, chest bump."

Wednesday, November 18

Winner Craig Ferguson: On the warm-up comedian: "Is that happening to you at home too? Is a slightly desperate, slightly sweaty guy trying to get you excited?"

Jay Leno: "Joe Biden's motorcade has been in three accidents in the last few weeks. Remember the good old days when the Vice President just shot people in the face?" "Our kids are no good at SAT's but at STD's they're #1." "A sex tape has surfaced of Miss Japan and Miss Uruguay in bed with an unidentified man, who's just known as The Luckiest Man in the World." "Carrie Prejean, Miss California, made twenty of those solo sex tapes. I guess people liked the first one so much she got picked up for the season." Guest Larry the Cable Guy: "I have a confession, Jay. I've been sleeping with members of my staff. The worst part is, I'm self-employed." "I love rodeo. I lost my virginity to a stick horse many years ago" "I sat next to a ventriloquist on a plane. He was so good that he went to sleep and I chatted with the dummy for over an hour." "I have 106 children. I can't figure out why over half of them are Chinese." "My friend was trying to show me photos. I said, 'I don't want to see pictures of your stupid kid. He's breast feeding? Well, I might take a look.'" "I love Halloween. It's the only time of year when I get to clean out the refrigerator." "I hate people who give out that fun-sized candy. When I take the kids around, if I'm dressed in hooker pants and spike heels I want a whole candy bar." "This year I smeared dog poop on myself and went as a government bailout." "For his birthday my hippie cousin said he wanted incense, so that night my other cousin crawled into bed with him." "How do you ask a 300-pound grocery clerk where to find a tub of lard?" "Men can't keep their underwear clean like a woman can. We operate underwear like long division. We always leave a remainder." "I get all my clothes at Wal-Mart, because at Wal-Mart I'm a medium." Guest Adam Carolla: "Bert & Ernie are gay, but not for each other. They're both power bottoms." Guest Jim Norton on Carrie Prejean's sex tape: "I watched it so much I got tennis elbow."

Jon Stewart: "The Rogue Warrior: What about Sarah Palin makes Republicans feel like they've been sprinkled with angel dust and Democrats like they've smoked it?" Jon had a mariachi plan play on guest Lou Dobbs. Since CNN still has to pay him: "You're like a farmer being paid not to produce corn."

Stephen Colbert: "Rogue Gain: I was enchanted by Sarah Palin's campaign to become President of John McCain's campaign. Nothing is ever Sarah Palin's fault. Who named her kids? To Sarah Palin fact checking is the same as opposition research, because the facts are out to get her. She's the new head of the Grand Old Pity Party."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama was on the Great Wall of China today, at the very same spot where a couple of years ago President Bush said, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.'" "Dick Cheney was upset at President Obama bowing to the Emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'It's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" "Chrysler cars are the safest in the country, because they never leave the dealership." "Arnold Schwarzenegger visited his homeland, but no one in Austria could understand him because of his thick American accent." "Scientists have discovered a drug that makes women want to have sex. The drugs name? Jewelry." When Conan announced that Heidi and Spencer Pratt were guests, the audience booed. Celebrity Survey: When I cook the Thanksgiving turkey I make sure ... Dick Cheney: "That the turkey's whole family is watching." When I heard that homo sapiens had sex with Neanderthals I said ... Larry King: "We all did crazy things in college." In foreign countries I always ask ... Ryan Seacrest: "Take me to the lady boy section." The hardest thing I've ever done is ... Paris Hilton: "A guy named Zack. I'm sorry, I misunderstood the question. A guy named Barry."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Senators paid respects today to Robert Byrd for having served longer than anyone else in history. They were told to keep their speeches short just in case." "Because he was standing up for gay rights the other kids called a 10-year-old a gaywad. Everybody knows a gaywad is a guy who plays third base for the Yankees." "'People Magazine' named Johnny Depp the sexiest man alive, and Hugh Hefner the sexiest man still alive." "The union of department store Santas wants them to get priority on swine flu shots. If you're a department store Santa why would you want to prolong your life?" With "Cougar Town" such a success, Jimmy showed a clip of Cloris Leachman's new show "Sabertooth Tiger Town."

Jimmy Fallon: "Barbara Walters asked Sarah Palin to rate President Obama on a scale of 1 to 10, and Sarah said 'F.' Palin also said Obama's policies are bassackwards. Obama said she was unkin fuqualified." "Beyonce and Lady Gaga are in a hot new video. Beyonce calls their bustiers tasteful, and Lady Gaga calls them business casual."

Craig Ferguson: "Mickey Mouse is 81. All the Disney characters are ancient. All the Dwarves are Grumpy, and Pinnochio needs a blue pill to get his nose up. In honor of the anniversary I'm wearing animated shorts. They're giving me a steamboat willy." Guest Lewis Black: "I'm in Vegas this weekend at the Mirage." Craig: "It's really there then?"

Thursday, November 19

Winner David Letterman: "Monday morning Sheikh Mohammed will be on the 'Today' show singing 'I Dreamed a Dream.' He's not coming on this show, though, apparently because of a joke I made about his daughter."

David Letterman: "The CIA has a new terrorist plan. They're going to grab Osama bin Laden when he shows up for jury duty." "'New Moon' is about teenage vampires who hang around outside a blood bank all day asking strangers to buy them a six-pack." "The Senate unveiled the health care bill today. It's $849 billion and 2,000 pages. Sounds like a Donald Trump prenup." "In 'Going Rogue' Sarah Palin said she felt ambushed when Katie Couric asked her what newspapers she read. Ambushed. This from a woman who hunts wolves from a helicopter. Sarah was signing books at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wink." "There's an Eggo waffle shortage, another disaster predicted by the Mayan calendar. I read about the shortage and said to myself, 'Thanks a lot, Kirstie.'"
Top Ten Ways President Obama Can Increase His Popularity: 10. Solve the Eggo Waffle crisis. 9. Appoint one of them sexy Twilight vampires to Supreme Court. 8. When Chinese aren't looking, get our money back. 4. Pretend to launch his kids in a mylar balloon. 3. A little "Dancing With the Stars" never hurt anyone. 1. Go rogue...whatever the hell that means.

Jay Leno: "The Postal Service lost $3.8 billion this year. Worse than that, they lost it in the mail." "Now when they test car safety they have the crash test dummies text messaging." "Some Barbie accessories have lead in them and could cause brain damage. Your daughter could end up like Barbie." "A Minnesota dad spoke only Klingon to his son for the first three years. Now he's teaching him English so he can communicate with his therapist."

Jon Stewart: "A 10-year-old Arkansas boy stood up for gay rights, and the other kids called him a gaywad. A reporter asked him, 'What's a gaywad?' Well, sir, when two dillweeds love each other very much ..." Then tough pro wrestler Mick Foley came on and told the kids at the 10-year-old's school that if they hassled him he'd "come to your school and bring a world of pain."

Stephen Colbert: "The Senate health care bill is 2074 pages, in honor of the year when it's likely to pass."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama ended his embargo and went on Fox News. The reporter asked him, 'How do you rate your Presidency on a scale of minus 1 to minus 10?'" "Two contestants on 'The Biggest Loser' are dating, so now the biggest loser is their downstairs neighbor." "That South African track star lady who may be a man gets to keep her gold medal. She says it'll be the second-most precious thing dangling from her body." "Jenna Jameson says she wanted to be the biggest porn star in the world and to do it with dignity. Then she pulled out the new Dignity 2000."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Oprah says that after 25 years she's going to quit in 2011. One interview with Sarah Palin and she quits. It must be contagious. Sarah Palin's book is still #1 on Amazon, which is rare for a work of fiction." "There's going to be a shortage of Eggo waffles by February. If Bush were still President we'd just invade Belgium and take their waffles." "Chastity Bono has become Chaz Bono, a man. She removed the 'tity' and kept the 'Chaz.' Is her girlfriend of 4 years still a lesbian?"

Jimmy Fallon: "There's going to be a severe Eggo shortage, so you're going to have to leggo." "Joe Biden turns 67 tomorrow, Instead of blowing out the candles he'll just talk and talk to them until they put themselves out."

Craig Ferguson: "There's a new spray to close down a man's arousal. It's called Your Grandmother's Perfume." "'Right Up My Alley' is a new porn musical I'll be presenting on Broadway."

Friday, November 20

Winner Jimmy Kimmel: "Oprah announced she's quitting to devote herself to yo-yo dieting."

David Letterman: "Do you like going home to your parents' house for Thanksgiving? I like getting to see a rotary phone again." "President Obama pardoned the White House turkey. Dick Cheney says it proves he's soft on poultry." "We're lucky today. It's hard for a vampire to bite you with a swine flu mask on." "Have you seen the new Sarah Palin book? There's a little sticker on it that says after you read the book you shouldn't drive or operate heavy machinery. Sarah Palin's having a big Thanksgiving dinner at her house. Is she a good cook? Sure, she cooked John McCain's goose." Guest Paula Poundstone: "I could easily kill my oldest daughter by telling her it's important to me that she breathe." "I feel safe flying to New York because you've got the Hudson. A tour boat will pick you up in a minute."

Jay Leno: "The fear with Sheikh Mohammed is that he'll become lost in a crowd of New York taxi drivers." "Speaking of the Bush Library, did you know his wife Laura was a librarian when they met? She's the only thing he ever checked out of a library." "A family on a safari had their Land Rover overturn, and it spilled them out in the middle of a pride of lions. Luckily they were docile. Must have been Detroit Lions." "A study shows that doing housework can lower a man's sperm count, especially if he's home alone and the vacuum cleaner has a lot of attachments."

Conan O'Brien: "The original 'Star Trek' pilot has just been found. It'd never been found before, because it was hidden in a woman's bedroom." "AOL will be laying off a third of their workforce, slowly and with many interruptions."

Jimmy Kimmel: "All these vampires. Should people be sucking blood like that during flu season?" Jimmy showed a clip of a Utah State Senator saying, "I don't mind gays, but I don't like them shoving it down my throat all the time." "Our guests tonight are a vampire and a werewolf and, scariest of all, a teenage girl." To Taylor Lautner: "What's it like when you're making out with Taylor Swift and Kanye breaks in?"

Craig Ferguson: "Oprah's quitting in 2011, so now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012. Now the most powerful woman on TV will be Ryan Seacrest." "Obviously 'New Moon' isn't a true story. Who's going to believe there are men who talk about their feelings?" On the prohibition against victory dances in football: "Any man who runs 90 yards through a bunch of guys trying to kill him deserves to do jazz hands." Guest Neil Patrick Harris: "When did this interview go wrong?" Craig: "When I took the job, I think." Craig: "I'm a very suggestible person. If I watch the Food Channel I want to eat. If I watch gay porn ..."

Larry the Cable Guy on the Jeff Foxworthy Roast: "Shortly before he died Christopher Reeve was watching 'The Jeff Foxworthy Show' and got up and changed the channel." "I hope Jeff never becomes homosexual, because I know he'd be a ball hog."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "Johnny Depp was named 'People's' Sexiest Man Alive. Sorry, Hef, they said alive."

Doug Benson on Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham:" "I have a McRib to pick with McDonald's." "I've been trying to come up with a new orgasm sound I can make the next time I have an orgasm, and somebody else is there."

Jarrod Harris on "Live at Gotham:" "I saw this with my own four eyes. They have a book called 'NASCAR for Dummies.'"

Monday, November 23
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are in reruns this week.

Winner Conan O'Brien: "Oprah's Sarah Palin ratings were the highest since she reunited the Osmond family. Palin is more likable, but Donny and Marie are more qualified to be President."

David Letterman:"have you folks ever had buyer's remorse? This morning I woke up thinking, 'What am I going to do with a rhinestone glove?' Some guy in Hong Kong bought Michael Jackson's glove for half a million dollars. Do you think he got taken?"

"I didn't go to that teen vampire movie. I thought, if I want to see guys who suck I'll watch the Jets." "All the flights are being delayed, but I figure it just gives the pilots more time to sober up." "Barnes & Noble are running a great promotion. You buy Sarah Palin's book and they'll throw in a Mayan calendar. People are saying it was too soon for her to write a memoir. She should have waited until she had ten more years of inexperience. You can buy the book on Kindle, and I'm using my copy as kindling." Guest Robin Williams: "You get very emotional after open heart surgery. I thought instead of a valve they'd given me a vagina."

Jay Leno: "Did you see Adam Lambert on the AMA's? Men in leather, men in bondage, and that was just the song from his Christmas album." "A 67-year-old man is suing the ambulance guys who threw away his ear. He's demanding a hearing." "The geezer bandit, a guy in his 70s or 80s, has robbed five banks in broad daylight, because he has to be home by 3:30 for dinner." To guest Lady Gaga: "What's the worst rumor that's been printed about you?" Lady Gaga: "That I'm from Yonkers." Headlines: "33% off entire stock of young men's bottoms." Bar ad: "Sunday: Spaghetti wrestling. Monday: All-you-can-eat spaghetti." "Follow your nose to U-Pick Orchards." "Professional-size vibrator." "Breast-feeding challenge at Bayfield Senior Center." "Kiss your hemorrhoids good-bye."

Conan O'Brien: "Jennifer Lopez fell at the American Music Awards and landed on her rear end. There were no survivors. ABC received fifteen hundred angry calls about Adam Lambert's performance. When NBC heard those numbers they announced a new show, 'Adam Lambert's Gayorama.'" "The wife of an astronaut gave birth, and he says, 'I can't wait to get home after ten months in space.'" "Two contestants on 'The Biggest Loser' are dating. It started when he took her to dinner and a movie and dinner." "The Prime Minister of Italy is accused of hosting an orgy in which two lesbians massaged his feet. He's also accused of not knowing how to host an orgy." "'Twilight: New Moon' took in $142 million, with 80% of the audience women, proving once again that what women want is a guy who'll penetrate them and then disappear in the morning."

Jimmy Kimmel: "If we want to turn this economy around the Obama Administration should start making vampire movies."

Jimmy Fallon: "t the AMA's Adam Lambert kissed one male dancer, simulated oral sex with another, and flipped off the crowd. Everyone kept hoping for Kanye West to interrupt him."

Craig Ferguson: "I'm not going to see a movie called 'New Moon' that doesn't have a bare ass in it. The movie has vampire guys and werewolves who talk about their feelings. For the next one they'll up the ante and throw in a couple of Baldwins. A real vampire wants to suck your blood because he can, like a lawyer. The old vampires wore capes. You can't be menacing in a hoodie. I'm getting old. Vampires used to be scary, MTV had music, and my testicles didn't touch the floor when I was standing. I'm glad that amuses you. I'm going to have to buy a roller skate."

Tuesday, November 24

Winner Chelsea Handler: "Michael Jackson's doctor is practicing again. You don't even have to go to his office. He'll just meet you at the cemetery."

David Letterman: "Big coyote problem in New York City. One attacked and ran off with Mayor Bloomberg, and Donald Trump has been cautioned to keep that thing on his head indoors." "A guy on an airplane is smuggling lizards in his pants, and the flight crew becomes suspicious when one of them starts telling them how much money they can save by switching to Geiko." "O.J. Simpson is counseling other prisoners on anger management. How messed up do you have to be to get anger management counseling from O.J. Simpson?"
Top Ten Surprises At Tonight's White House State Dinner: 8. Security screamed, "That's not an illegal immigrant you're yelling at, that's the Indian Prime Minister, Mr. Dobbs." 6. The shocking open mouth kiss between Senator Chris Dodd and Adam Lambert. 1. Levi Johnston jumped out of the damn cake .

Jay Leno: "A judge in Georgia ruled that it's not illegal for teachers to have sex with consenting students over the age of 16. And in Georgia that often means third graders." "People in Peru are getting murdered for their fat, which can be sold to cosmetics companies for up to $60,000. I know what you're thinking. 'I'm sitting on a gold mine!'" "I don't see what Bella doesn't just date the vampire AND the werewolf. One can't come out at night, and the other one can't come out in the day."

Chelsea Handler: "The man who bought Michael Jackson's glove for $350,000 says it smells like Macaulay Culkin." "There's a list of the ten worst celebrity parents, and John Phillips, who molested his daughter, was only number two. He said, 'Who do I have to f**k to make number one?'"

Conan O'Brien: "John McCain wasn't invited to the White House dinner for the Prime Minister of India, but, after all, it was at 8 p.m." "In Brooklyn two lesbians got into a fight over their cat and were arrested for being stereotypes."

Jimmy Kimmel: With no explanation Regis Philbin was hosting. "I like hosting late-night. Do you hear that annoying high-pitched whine? Yeah, neither do I." Then Jimmy hobbled out tied to a chair, with duct tape over his mouth and a tranquilizer dart sticking out of his neck. Jimmy had bet $1,000 on Donny Osmond to win "Dancing with the Stars" and had won $7,000. "Just call me Nostradonmus." "Did you see Adam Lambert on the 'American Music Awards? Let's just say Lady Gaga's burning piano wasn't the most flaming thing on that stage."

Jimmy Fallon: "It's almost Thanksgiving, or as turkeys call it, Armageddon. The average turkey has 3,500 feathers, tying it with Lady Gaga." "I bought Adam Lambert's new album today. The salesman made out with me and then flipped me off."

Craig Ferguson: "Susan Boyle's album is coming out today. I love her and her eyebrow. But there's only room for one Scottish virgin in show business, and that's me." "Have you seen 'Pants Off Dance Off?' I wish other cable shows would take their pants off. Are you listening, Anderson Cooper?"

Wednesday, November 25

Winner Conan O'Brien: He showed a clip of an Olympic snowboarder guest taking a nasty spill. Other guest Norm MacDonald: "You make it look so easy."

David Letterman: Monologue not posted on web site.

Jay Leno: "The federal government has started to spend money on medical marijuana research, with the slogan, 'Yes we cannabis.'" "A guy bit a girl on the neck while watching 'Twilight.' I won't tell you what he did at 'Brokeback mountain.'" "The Chinese have invented a bra that lets a woman increase her bust size at the touch of a button. How many guys wish they had that for pants?"

Chelsea Handler: "Zac Efron is going to play a James Bond villain. His name will be I Don't Like Pussy Galore."

Conan O'Brien: "At the White House dinner for the Indian Prime Minister, Adam Lambert made out with the sitar player." "Native Americans will have a float in the Macy's Parade. They're happy that with today's economy Manhattan is again worth only $24." "Lou Dobbs is trying to appeal to Latinos, so he went on Telemundo. He didn't go over very well when he kept yelling, 'Speak English!'" "Japanese scientists have managed to fertilize two eggs with a single sperm. The hardest part was keeping the sperm from just watching the two eggs go at it." Guest Norm MacDonald: "In the new 'Pirates of the Caribbean' Johnny Depp will do full frontal nudity. It'll be rated Arrgh." Guest comedian Dan Cummins: "I like greeting cards that are very specific: 'Wow, we've been together ten years. We don't have sex as often. It's difficult with the kids. And the wife. Happy Secretaries' Day!'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "I'm having a turdunkin tomorrow. It's a turkey stuffed with donuts." "Obama pardoned the White House turkey, which is now haunting the streets and will probably kill again." "I'm not watching the Macy's parade. I'm not interested in balloons anymore unless there are boys in them."

Jimmy Fallon: "A strip club in San Francisco had a benefit for Toys for Tots. If you gave a toy you got a free lap dance. There was a big sign out front, though I didn't think there was an 'i' in 'tots.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Tis the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom. Practicing self lovin.'" "Everybody eats farty food for three days, and then they all cram together on airplanes. When I fly I put a red ribbon on my suitcase so it doesn't look like all the others. I also tie a red ribbon on my penis." "Turkey has tryptophan, which makes you sleepy. I also get sleepy from chicken, but only after I choke it. If they'd made the turkey the national bird we'd all have to eat bald eagle, which for legal reasons I can't mention is delicious. Tomorrow I'm not going to stop eating until I taste tablecloth."

Thursday, November 26 (Thanksgiving)
Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, David Letterman , Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson in Reruns

Winner Jay Leno: "Did you hear about that couple who crashed the White House dinner? The last couple that sneaked in that didn't belong there stayed eight years."

Jay Leno: Jay showed a clip of the Macy's Parade with the Adam Lambert balloon kissing the Shrek balloon. "A poll found that 55% start their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. The other 45% are men." "Michael Jackson's doctor is practicing again. His first patient? Sammy Sosa." "A man was cited for leaving his five-year-old son in the car while he went into a strip club. How's the kid going to learn if he has to stay in the car?"

Chelsea Handler: "I've always enjoyed everything about Sarah Palin below the brain."

Conan O'Brien: "Adam Lambert grabbed a backup dancer's head and jammed it into his crotch. ABC said that's not the way to stuff your face on Thanksgiving."

Jimmy Fallon: "There were eight hundred clowns in the Macy's Parade, so many they had to use two cars." "Doctors are experimenting with medical marijuana in place of Ritalin. Yeah, that'll make you more focused." "Thank you to stuffing for always being delicious, even though you're cooked inside a turkey's butt." "If you invite me to Thanksgiving dinner and serve tofurkey, you can go tofurk yourself." Guest Robin Williams on his heart surgery: "I got a cow valve, so now I can crap standing up."

Daniel Tosh on Comedy Central: "I'm here at Adult Con, and like most of my former girlfriends, I thought it would be bigger."

Friday, November 27
Only two live shows

Winner Jimmy Fallon: ":Botox can also be used to tighten sagging breasts. The only problem is your breasts always look surprised."

Chelsea Handler: "Angelina Jolie is making a movie with Johnny Depp. Her caslapus needs fresh blood." Guest Guy Brennan: "She has a vagina flytrap."

Jimmy Fallon: "We were in the Macy's Parade. It was great. We were between the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the Ronald McDonald balloon. It was things you see when you're high. And next came the Diabetes balloon."

The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time by Douglas Adams, Harmony Books 2002

This book is composed of the best things left on his hard drive after Douglas Adams suddenly died of a heart attack in 2001.

"I love deadlines," Adams said. "I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." So there were a lot of unfinished pieces. His quest was always "to put a hundred thousand words in a cunning order."

I loved this story. Adams was sitting in a cafe with a coffee and a packet of cookies. A respectable man sat down across from him, picked up the packet, tore it open and ate a cookie. Adams was flabbergasted. He took a cookie himself. They alternated. "Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up my newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies. The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line."

Monday, November 30
Letterman, Kimmel and Fallon in reruns

Winner Jay Leno: "Did you people go shopping on African American Friday?"

Jay Leno: "I don't think Tiger Woods understands how things work. When his wife found out about the affair he asked if he could get a mulligan. That's why Letterman doesn't keep golf clubs in the house. Tiger's wife took eight strokes but only wrote down five. They've already made a movie about it: 'Crouching Tiger, Crunching Escalade.'" "Shopping was crazy. I had people pushing and shoving me, and I was shopping online." "Nancy Pelosi can't roll her eyes without jiggling her breasts." "I fly Southwest and practically get a prostate exam, this couple sneaks into the White House with no problem." "Chelsea Clinton is engaged. Bill's already planning the bachelor party." "A Georgia judge ruled that teachers can have sex with consenting 16-year-olds. And in Georgia a lot of those kids are home-schooled." Headlines: "Man Outlasts Madonna." Church bulletin: "Gold will lead us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death." Police blotter: "Woman found feces in her toilet, and she didn't think she put them there." Guest Bill Maher: "Afghanistan? Once we invade a country we never leave. We still have 60,000 troops in Germany. Once we enter, we love you long time." "I've taken the most important step to be sure my credit card isn't abused. I'm single." "The Vatican, against her stated wishes, released all Mother Teresa's letters. Turns out she had a crisis of faith in 1979 and started stripping under the name Original Cindy."

Jon Stewart on the White House crashers: "Real Asswipes of Washington, D.C."

Stephen Colbert: "Our guest says our schools have become prisons. Not true. Many prisoners can read."

Conan O'Brien: "In Tiger Woods' crash his airbags didn't deploy. He was protected on all sides by big bags of $1,000 bills." "Sarah Palin is featured in a new children's book. We now know who shot Bambi's mother." "'Twilight' has raked in $230 million, $12 of that from a guy. A psychiatrist said Bella's affair with Edward has fifteen signs of an abusive relationship. #1, he's a vampire. He'll drink your blood." Andy Richter: "And then not call you the next day." "'The Gayest Christmas Pageant Ever' has opened on Broadway. 'Cirque de Soleil' said, 'Is that a dare?" "A woman delivered her daughter's baby while continuing to cook Thanksgiving dinner. Just one mistake. The daughter's now filled with Stovetop Stuffing."

Craig Ferguson: "Christmas spending is a little below expectations so far, but that's before the diamonds Tiger Woods is going to have to buy his wife."

Wanda Sykes: "Someone was arrested at the L.A. airport with fifteen lizards taped to their chest. Oh, Lady Gaga, what will you do next?"

Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett, HarperCollins 2009: [Nutt, a dreaded orc, on how he was created.] "The Igors did it. And they put in something very strange. It's a part of you that isn't quite a part of you. They called it the Little Brother. It's tucked deep inside and absolutely protected and it's like having your own hospital with you all the time. I know that I was hit very hard, but the Little Brother kept me alive and simply cured things again. There are ways to kill an orc, but there are not many of them, and anyone trying them on a living orc is not going to have very much time to get it right. Does that worry you at all?" "No, not really," said Glenda.

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