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Relive History the Fun Way
Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Seth Meyers on SNL: "The Phillies won the World Series, our annual contest to see which city gets to be burned down by drunks." "John McCain quickly condemned daylight savings time as a redistribution of sunlight." "The director of the porn film Deep Throat died this week at 82. For safety's sake he's being buried a couple of inches deeper than everyone else."
Dave Letterman: "The hookers in Times Square are having an Obama special, $50 and you get change. Two of the hookers have gone bankrupt, the Lehman Sisters." "Right now McCain is at home saying, 'If only I hadn't angered Dave.' McCain is so depressed he's seeing Joe the Therapist." Guest Ricky Gervais on "Top 10 Stupid Things Americans Ask Brits:" "When are you going to collect Posh and Becks?" "What do you mean, let's go smoke a fag?"
Conan O'Brien: "Doctors in England had to remove a potato from a man's rear. Still missing are a steak and corn on the cob." Analogies: "Madonna is to leaves Guy Ritchie as Paris Hilton is to leaves guys itchy." Conan said McCain is calling the Palins "Aurora Boreaholes."
Jon Stewart: [On California banning gay marriage] "Gary & Gary Unmarried." "Sarah Palin has been tagged and returned to the wild." "The Obama kids have the same deal I had with my father: 'You'll get a dog when I become President.'" John Oliver: "All these dog candidates are being thoroughly vetted." Chief Black Correspondent Larry Gilmore: "Barack's birth proves that when a brother hooks up with a white woman we all benefit."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Obama thanked the President for his congratulatory call and for all his help in the election." "The shoulder of that man Oprah cried on has turned to gold."
Jay Leno: "In San Francisco the argument was that if prostitution were legalized it could be taxed. Against the idea were hookers making over $250,000." "The economy is so bad Bill Gates has had to go back to dial-up." "Men's testosterone levels have fallen in the past twenty years, which explains the popularity of Dancing with the Stars." "A young man in England died of a heart attack while watching porn. The coroner listed cause of death as a series of strokes."
Dave Letterman "Barack visited the White House. It was President-elect and President-inept. When told Obama was coming, Bush said, 'Oh, we caught him?' Then Dick Cheney took Joe Biden waterboarding." "President Bush's Secret Service code name is Occupant." "In New York Madonna has the only bedroom with a bullpen phone: 'Send in the left-hander.'" "Burger King is selling pajamas. Mine say 'Home of the Whopper.' Instead of a fly they have a drive-through window." "It looks like Obama is bringing back all our old favorites from the Clinton administration, except for that heavy set intern." "The old Honeymooners show has won an award from NASA for their attempt to send the first woman to the moon."
Jay Leno: "In China a dog and a monkey became best friends. Usually they'd be on the same platter." "McCain has been named head of the transition committee. Not Obama's, Conan O'Brien's." "A couple in England was arrested for having sex on a train. That's called riding the tube." "Scientists say one day we can i.d. people by their smell. Not just cab drivers, all people." "Viagra has been banned for future Olympics, a great relief for the guy on the bottom on the luge." Guest John McCain: "Since the election I've been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry ..." Headlines: "Carolina Home Stay Serving Children to the Elderly." An announcement for a "dick-boxing tournament."
Stephen Colbert: "California bans gay marriage. Next up, Iowa bans corn." "There's a shortage of sperm in England. Even the sperm banks are failing. There's a problem with liquidity everywhere."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The only awkward moment at the White House was when Bush said to Obama, 'Heck of a job, Brownie.'"
Craig Ferguson: "I'm a young man trapped in an old man's body. Sounds like a party at Elton John's house."
Stephen Colbert: "From now on, if a gay person in California wants to get hitched, they will do it the way God wants: marry Liza Minnelli."
Seth Meyers on SNL: "Laura Bush gave the Obamas a tour of the White House without once taking her hands off her purse." "A Sopranos actor has come out with a new cologne, Big Pussy's Vaginal Spray."
Jay Leno on the L.A. fires: "This is the first time Paris Hilton has complained about the burning but not the itching." "Michael Jackson has converted to Islam. His new name is Osama bin Withboys." Headlines: ad for "Vigina baked ham." Guest Lisa Lampanelli: "My weight goes up and down faster than a college girl's head at a frat party." Guest Larry the Cable Guy: "Have you had the prostate test?" Jay: "Yes, I've had it." Larry: "Professionally?" Larry: "My wife's way too good for me. People always assume she's a hostage." "Married sex is the best. The trick is finding the right friend's wife." "Her boob job was $15,000, and that's not counting the polishing and balancing." "I'm surprised Obama was elected. From the signs on peoples' lawns I assumed Foreclosure was going to win." "I even celebrate the Jewish holidays: Rosh Hosanna, Passover, the Oscars."
Craig Ferguson: "It's Mickey Mouse's 80th birthday. In his first movie he drank. In the second he smoked. In the third he smoked pot. You've seen Steamboat Willie Nelson." "In Australia do the strippers spin the opposite way around the pole?" "Anne Heche used to be a lesbian, and now she's not. She's a hasbian." "I haven't lost my virginity. I know exactly where I left it." Guest Larry the Cable Guy: "I'm trying to lose weight. I did a marathon last week, a Bay Watch marathon. I had to ice my elbow twice." "My two-year-old's already farting at a third grade level." "The highways are in pretty good shape. You want to adopt something, adopt a truck stop toilet." "Did you notice that a Tina Turner concert in Texas was canceled because of Hurricane Ike?"
Dave Letterman: "Obama told McCain, 'I'm catching up with you. I just got a second home.'" "Sarah Palin got a deal to write a book for $7 million from Joe the Publisher." "For Thanksgiving, help provide a hot meal for a Lehman Brother." "The economy's so bad today Oprah gave every audience member a car company." "To help Hillary get the Secretary of State position Bill agreed to put all his interns in a blind trust." "I love our endangered species. I had one for lunch." "On this date in 1946 the first gorilla was born in captivity. And today we know him as the governor of California."
Conan O'Brien: Guest Martin Short: "Some are born to greatness. Some, like Paris Hilton, have greatness thrust into them."
Joel McHale on The Soup: "Guy Ritchie is asking for none of Madonna's $400+ million. So that's the price these days of a little peace and quiet."
Seth Meyers of SNL on Madonna's divorce being granted: "British court releases cougar back into the wild."
Dave Letterman: "Twilight was sold out, so I had to sit through High School Musical 3 again in my vampire suit." "There was a John McCain balloon in the Macy's Parade, but it didn't get off the ground. The parade had ten thousand marchers, a million spectators and two Porta-Potties." "Madonna's having Thanksgiving with A-Rod, with Derek Jeeter batting cleanup." "GM has fired Tiger Woods. They got a much better deal on Andy Dick." Top ten signs Bush doesn't care anymore. "1. He's barely even trying to ruin the economy." "Today it was 45 and hazy, just like Sarah Palin." "Yes, A-Rod had Thanksgiving with Madonna. He's such a nice guy, spending time with the elderly." "Thanksgiving at the Letterman house is like a Guantanamo interrogation with pie." "Donald Trump had a great Thanksgiving. President Bush pardoned that thing on his head." "The hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, have a Thanksgiving special. For an extra $50 they'll gobble."
Jimmy Kimmel on Boy George's arrest: "Boy was offered six months in jail for a guilty plea, but he wanted a year, so they're going to trial."
Jay Leno: "There's an upswing in senior citizen infidelity. 'Honey, whose teeth are these in this glass?'"
Craig Ferguson: "And turkeys are stupid. It rains, and they look up and drown. They're the animal world version of the Baldwins."
The new barrista at the Cafe Flore, San Francisco
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