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Relive History the Fun Way
Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Thursday, November 1
Jay Leno: "The Atlanta International Airport is now considering shorter flushes in its bathrooms to help cope with the drought. Or as Sen. Larry Craig calls that, speed dating."
Dave Letterman: Guest Dr. Phil: "Senator Craig is sort of a bottom feeder, don't you think?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Dog the Bounty Hunter delivered a racist rant using the N word. They should turn him over to Michael Vick. He hasn't gotten to kill a dog in a long time. A&E has already replaced him with Snoop Dogg the Bounty Hunter."
Craig Ferguson: "I had an uncle who was a strict vegetarian. When he died there was a big turn up at his funeral." "Jessica Alba has announced that she will never do a nude scene in a movie. Never. I wrote a whole screen play for nothing!"
Friday, November 2
Joel McHale on The Soup: "Dog the Bounty Hunter's recorded racist rant has a bright side. Now Michael Richards has a new ring tone."
Lisa Landry on Comedy Central: "That saying's not true. My husband's the nicest guy on earth, and he always finishes first."
Lynne Koplitz on Comedy Central: "Women's equipment is all neat and tucked in with hospital corners, but men look like God was making a bow and the phone rang."
Dave Letterman: "The New York City Marathon is 26 miles. Hell, I log that kind of mileage every night just going to the bathroom." "A man was arrested trying to have sex with a bicycle. Please get some help, Senator Craig."
Jay Leno: "They're opening a Rock & Roll Theme Park. The signs say, 'You must be this high to get on this ride.'" "That Lance Armstrong is dating another hot celebrity. Think of the chicks he'd get if he had a car." Ross the Intern was at a fashion show asking a hunky guy how he got into modeling. "It just came on me." Ross: "What?"
Craig Ferguson on Jerry Seinfeld's Bee Movie: "Kramer's the racist bee who lives next door."
Monday, November 5
Charlie to Berta the maid on Two and a Half Men: "I don't pay you to mock me." Berta: "You'd have to pay me not to."
The writers' strike shut down all the late-night shows.
Thursday, November 22 (Thanksgiving)
In a rerun Conan O'Brien tells what celebrities are thankful for. "TomKat's daughter, little Suri Cruise, says, 'I'm thankful my daddy knows how to use a turkey baster.'"
Friday, November 23
Joel McHale on The Soup: "For Lance Armstrong to stand up to the media like that took real ball."
Curmudgeion Kids, collected by Jon winokur.
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on televidion." - Erma Bombeck
"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying." - Fran Lebowitz
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children." Clarence Darrow
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck.
Below found on Neatorama.com.
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