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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

November 2000


Week ending November 3, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Last night I ran out of candy and had to give the kids nicotine gum."

To audience on Halloween: "Oh no, I didn't know there would be so many of you. I have to get more candy. On trick or treat night I throw Tootsie Rolls over the electric fence. When I was a kid my parents always sent me out as a tramp — high heel shoes, fishnet stockings ..."

"To celebrate Halloween George W. Bush presided over an execution dressed as the Grim Reaper. Hillary Clinton dressed as a New Yorker. Right now Bill Clinton's helping an intern out of her costume."

"At last night's Greenwich Village Halloween Parade there were a million people milling around. A lot of goblins. An awful lot of fairies."

"Yesterday a guy was caught jumping over the White House fence. I know you're anxious, Gov. Bush, but you'll have to wait until Wednesday. Actually, the only one sneaking into the White House is Bill Clinton. I'm clearing out my Clinton jokes. I have 7,500 ending in the word 'intern.'"

"The government's so sure Bush is going to win, they're printing out easy-to-read nuclear launch codes."

"Did you remember to set your clocks back? You gained an hour, which will make up for the one you're losing right now."

"The subway series is over, so the subway can go back to being a crime-infested hell hole. The Yankees sprayed so much champagne on the baseball commissioner's head, a couple of guys had to walk his toupee around the block to sober it up."

"The Yankees were given a parade in the Canyon of Heroes. You just go down the Avenue of Hookers and turn right on the Street of Junkies. Only three of the floats were stolen. This is New York. Instead of keys to the city, the Mayor gave the players credit cards to jimmy the locks. And Darryl Strawberry was given championship electronic ankle bracelets. The Yankees are so hot that even Don Zimmer is getting laid."

Stage manager Biff Henderson reported from Yankee Stadium. He asked Mayor Giuliani: "You've been in both stadiums. Which team has the drunkest fans?" Biff asked a Yankee, "Have you ever had a teammate pat you on the ass a little too long?" The answer: "That's happened, but I enjoyed it." Biff asked Jose Conseco, "When you were in bed with Madonna, did she ever accidentally call out my name?" Jose: "All the time."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"The scariest part of Halloween is when your pumpkin dries out and starts to look like a husband of Anna Nicole Smith. She saw a mummy in a coffin and tried to marry it. Cher made some weird creatures out of her leftover body parts. A guy came to my door wearing a sheet with eyeholes. Turned out to be a Pat Buchanan campaign worker. For Halloween Gore wants to put all the candy in a lockbox. Bush wants to give half of it back to the rich kids. I look on Halloween as a chance to get rid of all the stale Easter candy. Actually, I just put a big empty bowl on the porch with a sign, 'Help yourself.' The kids figure someone else took it all. The cruelest person this year was the lady who gave out apples with Kathie Lee's cd hidden inside. I'm putting two pumpkins down the back of my pants and going as Jennifer Lopez."

Celebrity Halloween:
"Darryl Strawberry visited a haunted crack house.
Calista Flockhart went as The Club.
Regis Philbin stood at his front door with candy, yelling, 'Who wants to be a fat kid?'
Tyra Banks stuffed some socks down her pants and went as Ru Paul."

"Aren't candy bars getting too small? I mean, the One Muskateer bar?"

"Last night I was in a restaurant with cobwebs for Halloween. Turned out those weren't decorations. I was in a Planet Hollywood."

"The Presidential race is so tight Dick Cheney may vote."

"We have a guest on the program tonight who'll definitely be President in January — Martin Sheen. Bush is so confident he's already writing his inaugurabubble speech. This year we have the Al Gore states, the George W. Bush states and the Anne Heche states — the ones that could go either way."

"Don't all the Secret Service guys here tonight look like the men in erectile dysfunction ads? Today the Secret Service caught a guy jumping the White House fence, and he's being held on $100,000 bail. For half that he could have slept in the Lincoln Bedroom. Luckily the guy didn't hurt himself when he jumped the fence. He landed on a pile of soft money."

"Last night after the show Al Gore went to a rally with Martin Sheen. Gore will campaign with the guy who plays the President, but not the real one. Martin Sheen is a Democrat. Charlie Sheen strikes me as a Bush man."

"Pat Buchanan's at 1% in the polls. Even milk's at 2%."

Guest George W. Bush: "My wife said, 'Don't try to be charming, witty or debonair. Just be yourself.'" Jay to Bush: "If you get elected, do you think Al Gore will try to take credit for it?"

Guest Al Gore, when asked about the controversial picture of himself on the cover of Rolling Stone looking as though he were aroused: "I think people buy Rolling Stone for the articles." Asked about Clinton wanting the Republicans to apologize for impeaching him: "I'm still waiting for the Republican Congress to apologize for electing Newt Gingrich Speaker."

Guest Martin Sheen: "I am the acting President of the United States."

"Bill Clinton's on the cover of Esquire. Look at this pose. It looks like he's about to get a lap dance. He's definitely the breeder of the free world."

"Hillary Clinton turned 53 today, and Bill Clinton and Robert DeNiro were both on-stage — two of the greatest actors of our time. Bill sang happy birthday to her, but was very nervous that he'd call out the wrong name. When Bill saw how well Hillary blew out the candles, he asked her to get back together."

"Three men in Taiwan pulled a ten-ton truck using their penises. Wouldn't it be easier to call the auto club? And if they can't get a date after that ..."

"New York threw a ticker tape parade for the Yankees. Darryl Strawberry was given the kilo to the city."

"Did you read about the high school student who's suing because she was suspended for putting a hex on her teacher? And the teacher's suing too. She can't teach anymore now that she's a tree toad."

Jay ran a clip of men running from the nude photos of Paula Jones in Penthouse.

"Darryl Strawberry has been arrested for drugs again. Why do they even bother to take the handcuffs off? But his lawyer says he has diplomatic immunity. There's so much cocaine in his system, he's legally part of Colombia."

"Willie Nelson claims he works out several times a week — at Acapulco Gold's Gym."

"If Michael Douglas ever cheats on Catherine Zeta-Jones, he has to pay $7.5 million, which will be kept in escrow until she's 18. Bill Clinton has the same sort of arrangement with Hillary, but he just has an automatic deduction from his checking account each month."

"O.J. Simpson's girlfriend says he carries a loaded gun at all times. Why? He was pretty effective with a knife."

"China is using Viagra to get pandas to mate. They only mate for ten seconds. Dressed in black and white. They remind me of me at my high school prom. Can't you see the guy going into the drugstore? 'This isn't for me. I'm buying it for my friend Ling-Ling.'"

"Did you see this bumper sticker? 'VOTE NADER: Paid for by the Bush for President Committee.'"

"Today on her show Martha Stewart showed how to make candy corn out of earwax."

"Here's the worst Halloween costume I've seen: Casper the Incontinent Ghost."

"This is the anniversary of the Donner Party, the ones who turned cannibal. What most people don't know is that before they ate each other they passed up three Denny's."

Monday Night Headlines:
Ad: "Family Oriented — No Exotic Dancers Until 4 p.m."
Ad: "Earn a collage degree quickly."
Headline: "Trojans Can't Stop Clinton."
Weddings: "Belcher - Gross, Moore - Beer, Ho - Trainer, Long - Lay, Leake - Peters."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Gore and Bush are devoting all their efforts to the undecided voters, the 2 - 4% of the voters who go to the polls in the little bus."

"Ralph Nader, known to the Democrats as Unsafe at Any Percentage, is using a scary new campaign tactic — the truth."

"Subpoena the Teenage Witch: An Oklahoma high school girl has been accused of being a witch and putting a hex on her teacher, who got sick. Suspicion was confirmed when she was the only one who floated to the surface in the women's drowning class."

"Napster reached agreement with BMG, whose catalog includes Britney Spears, Kenny G and also many actual artists."

"Anno Dominos: The Pope blessed a bunch of pizzas this week. If you think Christ is the only one who's risen, look at this pizza dough."

"WWF'd: The World Wrestling Federation and the World Wildlife Fund are fighting over the use of WWF. Likewise, the evil organization KAOS is being brought to its knees by the Korean American Orphans Society."

A special report on the Green Mountain Hotshots, a band of senior citizens in Vermont, who played Woodstock — Vermont. "Joe got mixed up with vitamins. Has anyone in the band visited Betty Ford?" Band member Louise: "Not that I know of. Where does she live?"

Guest Steven Weber on his costar in his new tv show Cursed: "Chris Elliott is like Tickle Me Elmo with b.o."

Guest Brett Butler, talking about the drugs they gave her in rehab: "They said, 'These will calm you down until you're ready to surrender.'" Her advice to a young female comedian: "I was funny standing up, and I had fun on my back, and I suggest you do the same."

Correspondent Lewis Black on men in Asia with heavy weights hanging from their penises: "My mother always said, 'Lewis, lift with your back, not your penis.'"

Correspondent Frank DeCaro commenting on Gary Cooper's saying, "I'm the luckiest man on the face of the Earth." "Gary Cooper could be the luckiest man on the face of anybody."

Guest Phil Donahue: "Ralph Nader sold out Madison Square Garden."
Jon: "Don't get that excited. So did Cher."

Correspondent Marian Tolan: "Don't Send in the Clowns: Meg has a fear of clowns. We pushed her into the red-nosed abyss with Binky and Bunky. Meg remains one floppy shoe away from the edge."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"For Halloween I'll start off with a scary story. A week from tonight, either Al Gore or George W. Bush will have been elected President. As a joke, today twenty political reporters wore Bush masks. Bush said, 'Wait a minute. Which one is me?'"

"Today a man climbed the White House fence. The police have identified that man as Ralph Nader."

Guest Dave Chappelle:
"They say you should videotape your babysitter, but I don't think you should involve your kid in a sting operation."

"Some people say all black people look alike. We call those people 'police.'"
"Black people can't be terrorists. If someone sent me to the store for some dynamite, I wouldn't know where to go. And if I did find the store, they wouldn't sell to me."

Guest Michael Richards: "I stopped trick or treating when I was about thirty. 'You'd better give us a good treat, or we're going to rip out your bushes, lady.'"

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"This Halloween you may have to have a long talk with your daughter when she dresses as k.d. lang."

The Halloween show was sponsored by Swiss Army Rats: "For when you need a rat with a spoon."

"According to their prenup, if Michael Douglas cheats on Catherine Zeta-Jones, he has to pay her $7,000,000. And if she cheats on him, he gets to watch."

"Bush says the two he'd appoint to the Supreme Court would be Judge Judy and Judge Reinhold."

"I have to deny the tabloid reports that I was seen with Katherine Bell. I'm married, and I have a girlfriend."

"There was a story today about a 93-year-old woman who's voting for the first time. The bad news, she's voting for Calvin Coolidge."

"Ralph Nader refuses to drop out. He insists the voters should have a chance to choose the lesser of three evils."

"China is taking a census of its billion people. It's the world's most populous country, not counting Osmondstania. How many people does China have? One point too many."

"Don't worry. Napster will still be free. Only now it will cost a lot of money."

"Willie Nelson says he works out and smokes marijuana. You've seen his new Bongs of Steel video."

"Madonna's getting married. I had to console her father: 'You're not losing a daughter; you're gaining a football team.'"

"Daylight savings is over. Pat Buchanan set his clock all the way back to 1438."

Guest Jim Gaffigan explaining his looks: "My father is Swedish, and my mother is Elton John."


Week ending November 10, 2000

Late Night Interview of the Week: Ellen DeGeneres on The Tonight Show:
Jay Leno: "Welcome to the show."
Ellen DeGeneres: "I knew it! There you go, right into the breakup!" Ellen said that after her breakup with Anne Heche she went into despair, deep depression and then anger.
"I was so angry I could have beaten up that wrestler lady, what's her name, Chyna. Do you know if she's seeing anyone, by the way? And all the songs on the radio are about love. The only thing I could listen to was that Peter, Paul & Mary song 'If I Had a Hammer.' They say if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But life didn't give me lemons. Life gave me a very painful and public tabloid humiliation. How could I make a juice drink from that? I thought maybe I shouldn't take it literally. Maybe I could make baked goods instead. So I made cookies — very dense bitter cookies." Jay asked if she were dating, and she said, being famous, she had to suspect the motives of people who wanted to date her. "And the people who hit on me who don't know who I am are usually — well, men." Ellen added: "I started just wearing a ski mask. Don't treat me like Ellen DeGeneres. Treat me like any other person in a ski mask. But people got so excited. I was in a bank the other day. Bells were going off. You'd think they'd never seen a celebrity in a ski mask with a hammer."

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"George W. Bush is not our President. Al Gore is not our President. Let's just leave it that way."

"I don't think I've ever left the voting booth confident that I operated the machinery correctly. But this time I thought, 'What the heck. One vote. How close can the election be?'"

"Bush called a press conference and demanded a refill. George W. was up all night waiting for that call. Now he knows how those death row inmates feel."

"Al Gore went into the voting booth, closed the curtains and made out with Tipper. Al made a third call to George W. He asked to speak to Anhauser Bush, giggled and hung up."

"The Republicans in Florida have hired O.J. to hide some of the ballots."

"Remember how we thought Hillary's campaign was a joke? Now she's our Senator. They say she has her eye on the Oval Office in 2004. She should have had her eye on it when Bill was doing Monica. One good thing: the Clintons could become America's first two-impeachment family."

"In four days America will go to the polls to elect the father of our next guest's next baby. Here's Madonna!"

"The Statue of Liberty's crown has been declared a fire hazard, so tourists will be confined to her ass. Her head could burst into flames. They had the same problem with Don King."

"Why can't we find one Presidential candidate who's dumb and a liar? It's a really close race. Ben is endorsing Gore, and Jerry is endorsing Bush. Gore wants to win so that, just once, he can walk into the Oval Office without having to yell out, 'Are you decent?'"

"Hillary's so confident now that she's quit even pretending to like New York. Gov. Bush is so confident he's started drinking again. And Clinton doesn't care anymore. He's having sex in the Oval Office with the door open."

"If we're determined to elect a President with a drunk driving arrest, maybe we should take another look at Ted Kennedy."

"Everybody says a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush, so who do you vote for if you want to vote for Nader?"

"It was 201 years ago that they laid the cornerstone for the White House, and you can insert your own Clinton joke here."

"I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race I jumped up off the couch ..."

"People are coming from all over the country to run in the New York City Marathon. Hell, people are coming from all over the country to run for Senator."

Guest Adam Sandler: "When I was a kid everybody wanted to be smart, but there I was. Last week I went home, and my dad said, 'Your sister's a doctor, and you're an overpaid moron.'"

Dave asked Kathie Lee Gifford what she did on her European vacation. Kathie Lee: "We made love all day long." Dave: "Frank stayed home?" Then Kathie Lee started flirting with Dave, and he asked, "Is Frank in a home?" Kathie Lee said she had regrets about leaving Live With Regis: "I should have left five years earlier." Dave: "Why don't they get rid of Regis. I always thought he was the problem." Kathie Lee: "I miss the crew. They'd become like family." Dave: "That hasn't happened to me."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"It all depends on Florida. Florida hasn't been this nervous since O.J. moved there. Florida's not just God's Waiting Room anymore. What if it's so close the whole thing is decided by Elian Gonzalez's crazy relatives?"

"Yesterday was tough for Bush. It was election day. The bars were closed."

"I haven't seen so much indecision since Anne Heche took a male date to see Charlie's Angels."

"The oldest woman in the world has just died in England. Those razor scooters are dangerous. They're not sure whether she was 114. It's Great Britain, so there are no dental records. Her family had been at her deathbed since 1980."

"Charlie's Angels opened this weekend. Strong women and no guns. Sounds like a Republican nightmare."

"It's sweeps again. That's why tonight's news featured 'Coeds on Trampolines — How Slowly Can They Eat Bananas?'"

"Pamela Anderson has had her breast implants reinstalled. There's one tv reunion we can all be happy about."

"Bill Clinton is going to Arkansas to stump for Gore. State troopers are already rounding up some really ugly women for him."

"George W. Bush was arrested for driving while drunk in 1976. The arresting officer says he was incoherent, slurred his words and made no sense. Hell, he's always like that. You've heard of Reagan Democrats? Bush is a Ted Kennedy Republican. But Bush says at least he's never been drunk enough to hit on Paula Jones. It turns out Dick Cheney has been arrested twice for DUI, so the Republican ticket is Drunk and Drunker. And in 1985 Ralph Nader pulled out of his driveway without fastening his seatbelt."

"There was another of those L.A. freeway chases this afternoon, but it was just Al Gore trying to distance himself from Clinton."

"For President we're selecting the lesser of two weasels. The Fryer meets the Liar. It's the Exaggerator vs. the Eliminator. This race is tighter than Roger Ebert's butt in a theater seat."

"Remember poor Bob Dole? One day he was almost the President of the United States. The next, he had erectile dysfunction."

"The Democrats have changed their position on the death penalty. They want to execute Ralph Nader."

"Several states have a marijuana initiative. You seldom see those two words in the same sentence."

"Computers are invading our whole society. I just saw a tattoo parlor advertising that it has spellcheck."

"Dan Rather just turned 69, and that's probably the last time you'll hear 'Dan Rather' and '69' in the same sentence."

"In Texas a drug dealer was caught with $8,000 in his buttocks. That's why they always have to launder drug money."

"Today is the 86th anniversary of the invention of the bra. Now there's something to jump up and down about."

"NBC now stands for 'Nothing But Cancellations.' It's 'Must Flee TV.' They're replacing the entire Monday night schedule with reruns of Katie Couric's rectal exam."

"Bill Clinton wants the Republicans to apologize for what they've said about him. But their insults were oral, and oral insults aren't really insults."

"Clinton says he may visit North Korea before he leaves office. It will complete his Panties Around the World collection."

Monday Night Headlines:
Headline: "Hooker Still Best-Known Name Among Democrats"
Headline: "Annual Dinner at the Dump" [Jay: "When you're finished, you can just leave the leftovers there."]
From a police report: "He called me something that sounds like clucking grass mole."
An ad for Tampons with a drawing of a popsicle
An ad for a "Whirlpool Orgasma Refrigerator"
An ad for "Pooh in the Park"
Headline: "Master Bait & Tackle Gets Robbed"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"For most Americans Florida means just one thing — impending death. Like many of its senior citizens, Florida's voting process suffers from irregularity."

"The whole Bush clan gathered in Austin to watch the returns. It was reminiscent of the Kennedys, without the potential for greatness."

"A dead Democrat won a Senate seat in Missouri. The Republicans wanted to void the results. The Democrats pointed out that creepy twilight zone between life and Strom Thurmond."

"Happy Birthday, Mr. Residence: It's the White House's 200th birthday. I'm not saying you're old, but William Henry Harrison died in you."

Guest Richard Belzer: "Democratic prosperity has turned its beneficiaries into Republicans. George W. is the Ted Kennedy of the Bushes."

Correspondent Dave Attell: "Voting is like a Britney Spears concert. They make you feel special, but then you go home alone and masturbate."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"When George W. heard it all came down to how Floridians voted, he said, 'Let's not bring foreigners into it.' There hasn't been so much head-to-head competition in Florida since Murder, She Wrote went up against Matlock."

"Gore retracted his concession. Then he called up ten more times and asked if Dick Hertz was there."

"After Hillary won, Bill Clinton posed with four campaign workers in Hillary masks. The women said they wore the masks so Bill wouldn't hit on them."

"In San Francisco somebody wants to build a replica of the Titanic and use it as a hotel. Instead of having to go down the hall for ice, the ice would come to you."

"This election for the first time some Americans will vote over the internet. And all of us can download naked coeds from the Electoral College."

"George W. Bush was arrested for driving under the influence in 1976. The arresting officer became suspicious when Bush wasn't slurring his words."

"Barbra Streisand says that she would have taken Bill Clinton back. Hillary thanked her for the support and slept with James Brolin."

Guest John Leguizamo said he outraged everyone at the VH1 Fashion Awards by saying, "Supermodels put two things down their throats — their fingers and Lenny Kravitz."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"I fell like a public school kid. I have no idea who the President is. Here's a headline from one leading newspaper: 'Dewey Defeats Gore.'"

"Hillary Clinton won. I scream. You scream. We all scream for Ice Queen."

"Flame throwers are being used in China to destroy the hives of killer bees. Flame throwers are being used in the U.S. to fend off an infestation of boy bands."

"Dog blood banks are suffering a severe shortage, so veterinarians are begging Linda Tripp to give generously."

"Britney Spears got a nipple ring over the weekend. I like a nipple ring. It gives me someplace to hang my keys."

"Texas police found $8,000 between a drug dealer's buttocks. A seizure of $8,000,000 was made from Jennifer Lopez."

"A blind man is attempting to climb Mount Everest. Why? 'Because somebody told me it was there.'"

"Those robbers who were holding hostages at a Target store were taken into custody and charged with grand theft crap."

"Paul McCartney is building a Beatles web site that's expected to set new records for number of hits. In a related story, Ringo Starr has gotten his electricity turned back on by claiming he's in an iron lung."

"Here's a hint for the undecided: a vote for Ralph Nader annoys everyone."


Week ending November 17, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

On the election: "Are you better off now than you were two days ago? My Mom is upset. She accidentally voted for Pat Sajak. Palm Beach voters had trouble distinguishing between Al Gore and Pat Buchanan. Also between drive and reverse. Both candidates are in seclusion, not saying anything. So some good has come out of all of this."

"I'm not going to apologize for last night's show until we get a chance to count the absentee ballots. Do you notice that elections went much smoother when everyone was apathetic and stayed home?"

"Today the people of Palm Beach accidentally elected me favorite talk show host. But I had to go to the doctor today with a hanging chad. The experts think this election will come down to the absentee ballot from Elian Gonzalez. Or maybe Bush will be President of the red states, and Gore will have the blue states."

"It's Tuesday, so I went and voted again. You know, if we aren't careful with these recounts, eventually we're going to have a winner."

"The eyes of the world are on Florida, giving Clinton a chance to get laid again."

"Meanwhile, last night the 16-year-old son of Jeb Bush, the Governor of Florida, was found naked in a car with a babe. Maybe he's the one who's Presidential material."

"Last night I called out for a pizza pie. The delivery boy? Rick Lazio."

"In this week's show the Fugitive travels to Palm Beach and tries to keep the one-armed man from casting the deciding ballot."

"Tonight we have kid scientists. The experiments will be educational, fascinating, and always dangerous."

"Today Butros Butros Ghali turned 78. His friends got together and bought him another Butros."

"Each night we're going to do a classic Clinton joke:"
"Here's one from October 1999: Monica Lewinsky is on the Jenny Craig diet. Like all of a sudden she cares what she puts in her mouth."
From August 1998: "President Clinton has gotten so fat he can no longer see who he's having sex with."
From October 1998: "Clinton and the Titanic have a lot in common. Twelve hundred people have gone down on him too."
From June 1998: "Hillary Clinton is in Egypt and took a ride on a camel. This is quite a coincidence, because her husband is also between humps."

Guest Leslie Stahl: "In my home state of Louisiana we bury the dead aboveground so we can get them to the polls quicker."

Guest Mike Myers: "Canada is a country without a cuisine. When's the last time you went out for Canadian?"

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"All sorts of voting troubles in Florida. In Orlando the Seven Dwarves say they weren't able to reach the ballot box. One Palm Beach lady said her husband hadn't been able to punch the right button in 35 years. We used to send men to the moon. Now we can't punch a hole in a piece of paper. A lot of the Palm Beach people thought they were voting for James Buchanan. In Texas the kids can't read. In Florida the adults can't read. The whole country is suffering from electile dysfunction."

"Bush says he's going to start executing one prisoner a day until this thing is decided. Gore is air-dropping lawyers into Florida. By the time this thing is settled, both Bush and Gore may be retired and living in Florida."

"I haven't seen so many voting irregularities since Kathie Lee Gifford won the People's Choice Award. People in Florida haven't been this mad since Metamucil went to child-proof caps."

"For $20 Florida hookers will give you a hand count."

"In America your vote counts — over and over and over. As of today Bush is 388 ahead of Gore, but that's in executions."

"Palm Beach residents said they couldn't get in to vote, because the doors said 'poll,' and they were pushing."

"Politicians have hired lawyers, who are being paid by the hour, to deal with election officials who are dealing with retired people in Florida. And we wonder why it's taking so long."

"Foreign countries are so smug about our election woes. They can't even hold a soccer match without starting a civil war."

"Gore says he'll name Ralph Nader Ambassador to Outer Mongolia."

"Regis Philbin said that at the top of his wish list is tennis lessons from Pete Sampras. The wish that used to be at the top of his list has already been granted."

"Bill Clinton's mother-in-law is going with him to Viet Nam. Your mother-in-law to 'Nam. Even Rambo couldn't handle that one."

"They're now making bras from bubble wrap. Wow! You thought it was fun popping regular bubble wrap!"

"We're having record cold in L.A., 25 degrees. That's by hand count. The machine says a little higher."

"They're already talking about Hillary for President in 2004. She knows the issues; she's a hard campaigner; and she can't be linked sexually to Bill Clinton."

"This will be Clinton's last Thanksgiving in the White House. I wonder what'll be passing through his mind when he sees that big Butterball with its legs in the air?"

"Ralph Nader is starring in a new film: How the Grinch Stole the Election."

"Everything's backwards. According to the votes, Gore's the popular one, and Bush did better in college."

"Everybody went to the movies over the weekend. The Gores and Liebermans went to Men Of Honor. Clinton saw Charlie's Angels, and Bush wandered into Legend of the Drunken Master."

"Clinton says he's already written his memoirs. But what will they tell us? He didn't remember Paula Jones. He didn't remember sex with Monica Lewinsky. Let's hope it's not an oral history."

"Mr. Rogers is retiring. There goes the neighborhood."

"It's been 86 years since the invention of the bra. You'd think someone would tell Kathie Lee Gifford about it."

"Patrick Ewing volunteered to donate a kidney to another player. Most NBA stars won't even give an autograph."

"Prince Charles is turning 52. If you don't know what to get him, giant earmuffs are always appreciated."

"That guy who received the miracle hand transplant wants to have it amputated because he can't control what it does. He wanted to vote for Gore, and it punched the hole for Buchanan."

"The San Diego Chargers were voted worst in the league, so the owner is threatening to move them to Sacramento. They have to stay in California, though, because you can't transport toxic waste across state lines."

"On this day in 1895 x-rays were discovered. Do you know how to avoid overexposure to x-rays? Join an HMO."

Guest Mitch Fatel: "I like being a male because we have a penis, and it's like having a best friend who always wants to play. I take my penis everywhere. I take it skiing. It says, 'Look out for that tree,' and I say, 'Thanks, Penis. I'm glad I had you out.'"

Monday Night Headlines:
"Woman Says CPR Dummy Gave Her Herpes"
Sports score: "Kansas School for the Deaf: 60, Kansas School for the Deaf & Blind: 14"
"Dummer Students of the Month"
"Little Miss Hooters Pageant"
Ad: "Uncle Ben's Rice Bowels"
Ad: "Moth-Watering Apples"
"Several Trojans Almost Got Shaft"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

On the election: "You haven't lived until you've tuned in CBS at 5 in the morning and heard Dan Rather say, 'Holy mother fuc*er!'"

"The Sunshine Wait: In the election we're talking about Florida, so pull up a chair, and you'd better make it an electric one. South Florida is driving 5 mph with its left blinker on. Spain, if you're watching, you can have Florida back."

"The Good, The Chad & The Ugly: The chad is the little piece punched out of a ballot, and is the cause of much of the uproar in Florida. We sent correspondent Miriam Tolan to the African nation of Chad to get the straight story." Miriam: "Jon, in this Muslim nation no one would speak to me on-camera. Back to you."

Guest Adam Sandler: "Before the election I got a call from Al Gore and also from George W. Bush. They both asked me not to support them."

"The Gores appeared at a restaurant in Washington last night. To honor their South Florida supporters Gore showed up at 4 p.m., demanded his out-of-date coupon be honored and then fell down in the bathroom."

"Dot Bombs: Pets.com files for bankruptcy. It will be buried in an awkward ceremony out by the air conditioner."

Correspondent Frank DeCaro on The Legend of Bagger Vance: "The Legend of Vivian Vance would have made a much better movie. Golf isn't a metaphor for life. It's just something your dad loves more than your mother. Or you."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Yassar Arafat says he's returning to the Mid-East because things are too chaotic here."

"The tv ratings for the election were the highest in forty years, so the networks have decided to miscall the election every year. Fox led in declaring Bush a winner, so their new slogan is 'We Get It Wrong First.'"

"Bush says they can't count the ballots by hand because they'll run out of fingers."

"Florida is waiting for a thousand absentee ballots from Israel, but those voters say they punched the wrong holes and accidentally voted for Yassar Arafat."

"The votes had to be counted by 5 p.m. today so the counters wouldn't miss the early bird special."

"In Palm Beach thousands of elderly voters wrote protest letters to the election board, but they all mistakenly mailed them to their cats."

"Bush is going ahead and assembling his Cabinet. Gore is still resembling a cabinet. Today Gore played touch football with his family. His team scored more points, but somehow they still lost."

"Americans are so sick of the elections that Clinton has offered to have oral sex with Monica again."

Guest Adam Sandler:
"I bought a house on the beach. I thought it was a nude beach, but it turned out to be a giggle beach. When I appeared, everybody giggled."
"My parents sent me to basketball fantasy camp. I got to sleep in the same bed with Patrick Ewing — except I like a fan, and the noise kept him awake."
"When I meet girls I never know whether I'm supposed to shake their hands or give them a little kiss, so I just squeeze their breasts."
"The most embarrassing part about being a celebrity is in the gym, in the locker room. Everybody follows me in, because they want to see what the movie star's got. I pull down my pants with fifteen guys watching, and it's huge. I've got one of the biggest ones — a giant bush."
"On the set of Little Nicky Harvey Keitel was very sensitive. He was always crying. 'I can't believe I'm doing a movie with you.'"

Guest Al Franken:
"They should let those Palm Beach people vote again, and quickly — because a lot of them will die soon."
"A lot of the overseas votes come from spies, and they're notorious ticket-splitters. Like James Bond — very very pro choice."
"Bush actually may not have been drunk when he was arrested in 1976, because back then the sobriety test was to pronounce 'subliminal.'"

Guest Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: "The heaviest dog is the Lapso Oprah or the Roker Spaniel."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"That's right. You want to clear up this election nonsense quick, just bring in a couple of thousand lawyers."

"In Palm Beach O.J. punched the ballot twice — then choked it, kicked it and stabbed it."

"We could end up with no President at all, a phenomenon experts call Jimmy Carter."

"Did you see Warren Christopher on the news today? Gore has gained an advocate. The rest of us have lost a garden gnome."

"In news from countries that do have Presidents ..."

"Ricky Martin's new hit single is 'She Bangs.' It's about a girl who knocks on Ricky's door at 3 a.m. looking for her brother."

"A group of women is skiing across Antarctica. Ski all you want, ladies; you still can't write your names in the snow."

"Britney Spears has written a book: All I Need to Know I'll Learn in Kindergarten."

"Tonya Harding turned 30 today. Thirty years ago her father turned to her mother and said, 'Let's get it on, Sis.'"

"Mister Rogers is retiring, and all his old fans had the same reaction: 'Mister Rogers is still alive?'"

"There's a new tv game show, Who Wants to Date a Hooters Waitress? The catchphrase is, 'Is that your final implant?'"

"At the 200th anniversary of the White House, it was like old times. Carter gave a speech that made Bush throw up, and Ford slipped in it."

"A new UFO center is opening in Colorado. It'll have a psychiatrist's office, a mental ward and a loony bin."


Week ending November 24, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Ok, it's 3,000,000 for Gore and 3,000,000 for Bush — and that's just the number of lawyers. Florida is like spring break for shysters. If Florida would just have a big hurricane, this thing could still have a happy ending. And did you know that in Dade County, half the voters were actually dade."

"In Daytona Beach a wet t-shirt contest was deadlocked. Palm Beach residents keep asking themselves over and over, 'What would Matlock do?'"

"The Democrats want all the dimpled chads counted. Dimpled Chad was my waiter last night at the Olive Garden. The Republicans say the ballots are being overhandled. It's the same complaint they had about the White House interns. Clinton demanded a hand count in his pants. The Democrats are sending Clinton to Florida to hit on Katherine Harris. Last night they found 86 more ballots in Katherine Harris's hair. Did you know that her hair was the only thing left standing after Hurricane Andrew?"

"In New York if you're stabbed, and the knife doesn't go all the way through, you've been dimpled."

"Please, let's get back to a low voter turnout. So far neither Bush nor Gore has won, and if that's not the will of the people, I don't know what is."

"Al Gore has offered a compromise, and George W. Bush has called a meeting of his imaginary Cabinet. And, you know, for all the stunts Clinton pulled, he never showed up at a press conference with a big band-aid on his face."

"To break the tension, Bush went down to the prison, and instead of a lethal injection, gave the prisoner a flu shot. And after all the confusion in Florida, for the first time in his life Governor Jeb Bush is being described as 'the less intelligent one.'"

"Dan Rather's head just blew up."

Every night Dave is telling Clinton classics:
From 6/98: "Earlier today Clinton banged his head on a door in the White House. It's the first thing he's banged there that hasn't hired an attorney."
From 10/98: "Monica Lewinsky has given prosecutors a photo of herself standing next to President Clinton. Actually, he's the only one standing."
From 7/99: "President Clinton says he's ready to retire and become Joe Citizen. Up to now he's been Joe Blow."
From 10/99: "Hillary's travelling in Italy. She's in Florence, and Bill's in Rhonda."
From 11/98: "Early today I watched them inflating balloons for the Macy's parade. It was good to see something getting blown that wasn't in the White House."

"Richard Simmons is on the show tonight, and I pray to God there's no trouble. I don't care how oily he is. I just don't want trouble." Later: "I'm going to bring out our first guest against my better judgment. Here's a man who knows a thing or two about stuffing. Hold onto your giblets. Here's Richard Simmons."

"It was so cold last night that in Chappaqua the Clintons slept in the same bed."

"New York traffic today was like a Florida voter — every major artery was clogged."

Guest Chris Elliot:
"As Florida goes, so goes the nation."
"You had a quintuple bypass? I had something similar, a root canal. Don't you hate the novocain?"

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Some guy's invented a portable bidet. And you were annoyed by people using their cell phones in public."

"Dick Cheney had a slight heart attack today. A slight heart attack is one that happens to someone else. He had a perforated chad. Katherine Harris immediately sent Bush her resume."

"Clinton arrived in Vietnam today. I feel sorry for the guy who picked him up at the airport. He's been waiting thirty years. Clinton says he won't apologize for the war. Hell, he never even apologized to Hillary."

"The Clippers beat the Knicks. The Knicks are the people who should demand a recount."

"They have bras made out of bubble wrap now. They're going for $100 a pop."

"I bought a turkey today — the new Kathie Lee cd."

"The Curious George musical pull toy is being recalled. Heck, it's not half as dangerous as the Curious George Michael pull toy."

"A Canadian woman cut off two inches from her boyfriend's penis because he was cheating on her. That's an inch and a half American. He's not seeing anyone now. He's still unattached."

"Florida: God's Counting Room. That Florida election is tighter than Katherine Harris's face. Gore wants to meet with Bush. Maybe he wants to slip him the tongue like he did Tipper at the convention — win him over. The Chinese have told Gore they want some of their money back."

"Gore wants five hundred more lawyers to go to Florida. Usually when you see that many lawyers in one place, you're in hell. They need more lawyers, because every time an ambulance goes by, they lose twenty or thirty of them."

"Fidel Castro says this is what happens when you put more than one name on the ballot."

"Now the election officials are talking about 'pregnant chads.' What were these people punching the holes with? Pregnant Chads — sounds like Siegfried and Roy's worst nightmare. And the right to life people say a pregnant chad should count as two votes."

"For the 2004 election, let's let the Florida people get a head start by voting in 2002."

"On Thanksgiving George W. Bush spent the day counting his blessings. Al Gore immediately demanded a recount."

"On Thanksgiving Clinton can unbuckle his pants after dinner and not get sued for it. Clinton called the Butterball hotline. He thought it was a dating service."

"Now North Dakota is recounting. No reason. They just needed something to do."

"They're starting the tenth Star Trek movie — In Search of Sensible Shoes."

"A survey shows that Colombians consider themselves the world's happiest people. Well, duh. Oddly, the people of Brazil are the unhappiest. I guess it's from walking around with those thongs up their butts."

"The Supreme Court has stopped Texas from executing a mentally retarded prisoner. He has an IQ of 60 and the reasoning capacity of a 7-year-old. Wait. I'm sorry. That's the Governor of Texas."

"A nurse in Massachusetts was convicted of killing four patients just for the hell of it. Bush has his new Surgeon General."

"And a woman in Texas had her heart repaired with parts of a cow heart. How bad is her HMO? Now she's wearing a moo-moo. There's something in the way she moos."

"Authorities raided the home of KKK leader David Duke after accusations that he misused funds earmarked for the white supremacist movement. He bought sheets for his bed instead of his head. One bad apple could just ruin the Klan's reputation."

"Authorities also confiscated the artificial leg of a prisoner who took it off and used it as a weapon in a fight. Was he hitting the other guy or kicking him? In any event, the prisoner is hopping mad."

"Keith Richards says he sometimes stays up for days at a time. Maybe he should try new Heroin P.M."

"William Hewlett, 87, the electronics billionaire, was rescued from a balcony when his house burned. Anna Nicole Smith was there to catch him."

"Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones say one of their favorite things to do is go to the movies. Yeah, because it's so cheap. He gets the senior citizen discount, and she uses her student pass."

"The Pop-Tart turned 35. It was invented by accident when a ceiling tile fell in some jelly."

"McDonald's is going to open hotels: 'Hey, there's some secret sauce on my sheet!'"

"In The 6th Day Arnold Schwarzenegger comes home to find another man in bed with his wife. That would be a dream come true for Donald Trump. He could kick his wife out and have sex with himself."

"There's now a machine to test your cholesterol just by examining your hand. Sure, if it has an ice cream cone and a Big Mac in it."

Guest Rodney Dangerfield:
"My wife wants Olympic sex — once every four years."
"I said, 'Baby, ready for the big finish?' She said, 'Sure, who's coming over?'"
"I was feeling romantic, so I said, 'Let's do it like we did the first time.' She said, 'Fine, give me $50.'"
"I asked my wife how she rated me as a lover on a scale of one to ten. She said, 'I'm no good at fractions.'"
"I have no sex life. I even got a dear John letter from my hand."

Monday Night Headlines:
"New Injectable Contraceptive Expected To Fill Small Hole"
Classified: "Whomever drove me home from the bars Friday night, I left my purse in your car."
In a news story about ethnic minorities, one group was called "Puerto Racoons."
Ad: "Prime Ribs — slow roasted with out house seasoning."
Ad: "Ka Ka Chinese Restaurant"
Golf story: "Three Bad Holes Spoil Butts' Opening."

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Sales of the new Kathie Lee cd are really low, but gag gifts are down nationwide."

"John Travolta wants to make improvements to Battlefield Earth before releasing it on video. The first thing is to change the title to Blank Tape."

"Magician David Blaine is going to crawl into a block of ice and stay there for three days. He practiced by having an affair with Martha Stewart."

"A beauty queen in Thailand was disqualified when he turned out to be a man. The judges should have been suspicious, since his talent was peeing standing up."

"When you start losing the hair on your ass, that's a very tricky combover."

"Buffalo had two feet of snow today. Florida had two feet of chads."

"In Arkansas they're already taking down the eighty highway signs that say, 'Home of President Clinton.' They'll all be put up in Hooters."

Guest Caroline Rhea:
"This audience is like a WASP orgy — not a sound out of them."
"I went to an all-girls school where I was captain of the virginity team. 'Go, go, go. No, no, no.'"

Guest Jay Mohr:
"They have luggage stores in airports. Who forgets their suitcase? Have you ever seen a guy with an armload of shirts going, 'Hurray, a suitcase?'"
"Troy Aikman had his ninth concussion, and he's still playing. I broke my wrist once, and I still don't masturbate."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"I say give it one more week and then give ourselves back to England."

"There's a guy in Dade County whose actual name is Manuel Recount."

"We won't have a decision in Florida by Thanksgiving, but we hope to have one by the time the cat chokes on the leftovers. I'm spending Thanksgiving at the Beverly Hills Soup Kitchen, serving foi gras to the fortunate. President Clinton is looking forward to dinner with Hillary, where they'll argue over the meaning of the word 'stuffing.'"

"At the Backstreet Boys concerts in Japan the girls screamed so loud the Boys couldn't hear themselves suck."

"The Japanese have developed a robot that can walk, dance and punch a ballot all the way through."

"The Grinch took in $55,000,000 the first weekend. For those of you unfamiliar with Jim Carrey, he's not this guy." [Photo of Kevin Costner]

"Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband has sued Viagra for making him impotent. Viagra has replied, 'You're welcome.'"

"A new company offers to ship your loved one's cremains into outer space. Not so fast, Frank Gifford. She has to be ashes first."

"Tomorrow will be the busiest travel day of the year — otherwise known as the best day for running nude through an airline terminal singing 'I Feel Pretty.'"

An extra punchline: "... And that's why I'll never judge the Nude Mr. Puerto Rico contest again."

"After the wedding, Catherine Zeta-Jones carried Michael Douglas's wallet over the threshold. There was an awkward moment at the ceremony when the minister said, 'I now pronounce you father and daughter.' Concerning the huge age difference, Zeta-Jones said, 'If this doesn't get me $10,000,000, nothing will."

"Whales — they're great for Thanksgiving, but they're a real bitch to stuff. President Clinton has asked Japan to quit whaling, so I guess he does still have feelings for Monica."

"The doctor checked Santa's prostate and found an elf. The doctor went down Santa's chimney with care. He also found Santa caught a disease from all those ho, ho, hoes."

"MTV Europe is just like MTV in America, except they play videos."

"Governor Jesse Ventura is going to be an announcer on the new XFL — because he'd run out of other ways to embarrass himself."

Guest Kathy Griffin: "I'll be spending Thanksgiving at Hooters again this year."
Craig:
"I've never been to Hooters. I think it's demeaning to food."
Kathy: "Remember when you and I went to lunch?"
Craig: "What happened?"
Kathy: "We talked about you. The whole time."

Guest Ben Affleck: The new enigmatic Bruce Willis movie opens next week, but you won't be able to understand it unless you've seen my movie Bounce first."

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.

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What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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