Strange
de
Jim
entertained
San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd
quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb).
Strange
holds
the
world
record
for
Most
Late-Night
Jokes
Absorbed,
1999 -
Last Night.
Strange's
Last
Night's
Top
10
Late-Night
Jokes
May 2011
I'll tweet you when the new jokes are
posted: @strangedejim
May Strangies: Letterman 5, O'Brien 4, Kimmel 3,
Colbert 2, Leno
2, Ferguson 2, Fallon 2, Stewart 1, Handler 1
Tuesday, May 31
(Only Handler, Kimmel & Ferguson new)
10. Jimmy
Kimmel: Somebody asked John McCain if Sarah Palin could win the
Presidency, and he said yes, especially if a meteor hits all the other
Republican and Democratic candidates. Imagine how mad he'd be if she
won.
9. Chelsea Handler: Andy Dick is being sued because he exposed his
genitals during a gig in December. He was dressed as a woman. He
approached the plaintiff in the audience, pulled down his skirt to
reveal he wasn't wearing panties, and pressed his genitals against the
left side of the plaintiff's face. The plaintiff is a male, by the way.
John Caparulo: Oh, now it's inappropriate.
8. Jimmy Kimmel: In an encouraging break with Kimmel family tradition
my son was able to get a girl to go to prom with him this weekend.
7. Jimmy Kimmel: Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus,
I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off.
6. Craig Ferguson: Sean Connery came in 3rd in the Mr. Universe
Contest. I'm not kidding. Here's a photo. [In Sean Connery voice] "It's
not gay if you wear a hat."
5. Jimmy Kimmel: In Florence, Italy, yesterday Snooki from "Jersey
Shore" got taken into custody. Did she donate too much time to local
children's hospitals, crack the the Da Vinci Code, or crash into a
police car? Yes, she crashed into a police car. We're going to have to
make these quizzes harder.
4. Jimmy Kimmel: Mitt Romney was on the "Today Show" and admitted he
likes to read the "Twilight" books and watch "American Idol." If
elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be
President.
3. Craig Ferguson: I was performing at a casino in Canada this weekend,
and the whole place was full of big muscley guys in tight t-shirts, and
I went, "Am I in Canada or Heaven?" So I asked one of the guys, "Is it
a gay pride event or something?" and he said no, it was a bodybuilding
contest. Tomayto, tomahto.
2. Craig Ferguson: Bodybuilding's hard. You have to eat right, work out
all the time, cover up the fact that you had a baby with the maid ...
1. Jimmy Kimmel: In Italy
Snooki crashed into a police car. Two officers were treated for
whiplash; the police car was treated for gonorrhea, and Snooki lost her
license.
Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me
by Chelsea Handler's Friends, Grand Central Publishing 2011
Chelsea's friends, family and subordinates recount the appalling pranks
she's played on them.
Hardback
Kindle
. .
Monday, May 30
(Only Handler & Ferguson new)
7 - 10. No more worthy jokes.
6. Craig Ferguson: On Memorial Day there's nothing like throwing a
giraffe on the grill. "Who wants some more neck!?"
5. Craig Ferguson: Here the network has the fine Memorial Day tradition
of not giving me the day off. Our motto is "CBS Cares ... about making
the immigrant work on the holidays."
4. Chelsea Handler: Sarah Palin Movie: Pirate of the Republicans
3. Chelsea Handler panelist Brad Wollack: Sarah Palin's a lot like
Schwarzenegger. They both have movies. They both failed in office. And
they both have kids they're not proud of.
2. Craig Ferguson: Today we had a cookout right here at CBS. The
network brass surprised us with some fresh meat: Ashton Kutcher.
1. Chelsea Handler: Amy
Winehouse wants to have a baby. No! No! No!
Bossypants
by Tina Fey
Page 27 - In
1976 a young Catholic family man named Larry Wentzler started a youth
theater program in my hometown called Summer Showtime ... Larry didn't
set out to create a haven for gay teens, but you know how sometimes
squirrels eat out of a bird feeder? Larry built a beautiful bird
feeder, and the next thing you knew -- full of squirrels.
28 - But then, like Dorothy's in The
Wizard of Oz, my world went from black-and-white to color.
Because, like Dorothy in The Wizard
of Oz, I was embraced by the gays. They loved me and praised me.
I was so funny and so mean and mature for my age! And with my large
brown eyes I really did look like a young Judy Garland Lorna Luft.
29 - What Wales is to crooners, my hometown may be to homosexuals --
meaning there seems to be a disproportionate number of them and they
are the best in the world!
Hardback
Kindle
. .
Friday, May 27
(Only Leno, Fallon & Ferguson new)
10. Craig
Ferguson: There's a monkey in the new "Hangover" movie, and I hope that
doesn't start people wanting monkeys as pets, which happened when
"Friends" had a monkey. Remember? [Photo of Joey]. Monkeys don't make
good pets. They're very hard to discipline. I had a monkey, and I had
to spank it every day. And don't get me started about the day I had to
choke my chicken.
9. Jay Leno: According to a recent survey, the age limit for wearing
mini-skirts is 35 years old. Knee-high boots, 47 years old. See-through
blouses, 40 years old. Now comes the hard part: telling Steven Tyler.
8. Craig Ferguson: One of the "Hangover" characters gets a face tattoo
like Mike Tyson's, so the tattoo artist is suing Warner Brothers for
stealing his design, and I think he has a point. That's right, I'm
taking the side of an unknown tattoo artist against one of the biggest
Hollywood studios with an army of lawyers. No, I'm not. I'm sorry,
tattoo artist, but I still have dreams of getting into show business
one day. One day they're going to make a biopic of Liza Minnelli, and
I'm going to be there.
7. Jay Leno: You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a quickie? A
Minute Maid.
6. Jimmy Fallon: A "Star Trek" themed resort is being built in Jordan.
So if you live in the Middle East, now you know where to find your 72
virgins."
5. Jay Leno: San Franciscans will vote on a proposition that makes it
illegal to circumcise males under the age of 18. Over 18 can be a
problem too. San Francisco's Mayor gave a very stirring speech which
started, "Foreskins and seven years ago ..."
4. Jay Leno: This weekend Sarah Palin begins a nationwide bus tour,
which I think is a good way for her to learn the names of all the
states.
3. Jimmy Fallon: Police in Ohio are looking for a man with a mullet who
has robbed 3 banks. The robber is always, "All right, people.
Businessmen in the front. Party people in the back."
2. Jay Leno: Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn't that thought
make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was
going to end?
1. Jimmy Fallon: A woman
in Florida was arrested for throwing butter at her roommate. Her
roommate was immediately removed and placed in a shelter for buttered
women.
Earth
(The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon
Stewart explains Earth's history
to the aliens who have discovered
our ruins. There's something brilliant on every page.
Page 62 - Birth: Around 40 weeks after
that drunken night at the cabin, the adult (hopefully) female's uterus
began contracting. This forced the fetus onto the cervix, thinning and
dilating it, and rupturing the amniotic sac. As the painful
contractions increased in frequency and intensity (8 to 14 hours), the
8 pound, 22-inch infant journeyed down the birth canal towards the
vagina. The baby's head passed under the pubic bone and began to stress
the perineum (the tissue between the vagina and rectum), often tearing
it. Through a storm of screams, amniotic fluid, mucus and blood, the
final pushes introduced the bundle of joy to the outside world. He/she
was wailing uncontrollably. And, with that, the easy part was over.
Cost of hospital birth: $8,000. Cost of taxicab birth on way to
hospital: $7.50 + tip.
Babies excreted into diapers because they were allowed to.
.
Thursday, May 26
(Stewart & Colbert in reruns)
10. Conan
O'Brien: Charlie Sheen is selling the house he's lived in since 1997.
The realtor says the house is perfect for a young threesome just
starting out.
9. Jimmy Fallon: Arnold Schwarzenegger was spotted on a bicycle without
a helmet yesterday.
8. Jay Leno: California has to release 46,000 convicts because of
prison overcrowding. The good news? The Oakland Raiders will have more
season ticket holders.
7. Jay Leno: I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect
ticket. She can't answer basic questions, and he has two answers for
every question.
6. Craig Ferguson: Scotty McCreery won "American Idol." All the girls
are crazy about him. Like they liked Clay Aiken a couple of years ago.
How did that turn out, ladies? Well, you still have Ricky Martin.
5. Jimmy Kimmel: On "Jersey Shore" Ronnie and The Situation got into a
fight, and Mike had to get 16 stitchuations in his face. All Ronnie had
were scratches on his knuckles, and we don't know if he got them in the
fight or from dragging them on the ground.
4. David Letterman: So now Stedman is the breadwinner.
3. Jay Leno: Charlie Sheen has put
his mansion
on the market for $7 million. You know who'd be the perfect buyer?
Ashton Kutcher. Didn't he just get a new job?
2. Jimmy Kimmel: Do you think Oprah's
collecting
unemployment? The saddest thing, Oprah finally has the time to stay
home and watch "Oprah," and there's no "Oprah" to watch. 1. Craig Ferguson: In
Nashville I bought a snakeskin cowboy hat. Don't write me letters,
PETA. It was fake. I like my snakeskin cowboy hats like I like my
boobies, big and fake and pushed down over my eyes.
The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the
Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994
Page 65 - Warren Littlefield had decided to
make the announcement about Jay Leno as new host of the "Tonight" show
early the following week. Whether from fatigue or just a consistent
case of shortsightedness, the idea that he should first break the news
to David Letterman simply did not occur to him.
66 - It was one thing to be the guy who came on after Johnny Carson,
the master, the king; but to follow Jay, whose show was not a
generationally different one, that seemed like a prospect with no
future at all. David Letterman started to believe that his time in
television was drawing to a close.
.
Wednesday, May 25
(Stewart & Colbert in reruns)
10. Jimmy
Kimmel: There were a lot of guest singers on the finale of "American
Idol." It was like a mix tape made for you by an ex who hates you.
Steven Tyler is really something. I haven't seen an old lady this sexed
up on TV since Mrs. Olsen.
9. Jay Leno: The average couple fights about sex 87 times a year. And
even more if the maid is pregnant. Arnold's maid has hired a lawyer, so
I guess it's her turn to screw him.
8. Conan O'Brien: Kirstie Alley says now she's finished with "Dancing
with the Stars" she's considering a Broadway show. She's leaning
towards doing "Fiddler on the Reinforced Roof."
7. David Letterman: Kirstie Alley came in 2nd on "Dancing with the
Stars." And 3rd and 4th ... Kirstie did a cartwheel. President Obama is
refusing to release the pictures.
6. Craig Ferguson: I hear Oprah's opening a theme park, Oprahland. The
best rides are Cash Mountain, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride in a Free Car, and
the most popular ride of all, of course, Gayle.
5. Craig Ferguson: Oprah's show will be in reruns until September, and
then she'll be replaced by Ashton Kutcher. A thousand years from now
"oprah" will probably mean anything that helps people. "Man overboard!"
"Throw him an oprah!" "Doctor, there's a rash on my genitals." "Here,
rub some oprah on it."
4. Jimmy Kimmel: I spent the whole day weeping. Oprah taught me how to
listen, how to share, how to care, how to poop in the shape of an "S."
She had a few friends in the audience: Gayle, Maria Shriver. Her
personal trainer was there, hiding his face. I wish she'd finished
with, "Those books I recommended? I never read any of them."
3. Jay Leno: [The show opened with a clip of Chaz Bono telling Jay,
"You've really changed."]
2. David Letterman: Be honest. How many of you were hoping this was
going to be my final show? Oprah's last show was today. I had a good
cry with the girls from our book club. On her last show Oprah explained
why she canceled the Apocalypse.
1. Jimmy Kimmel: Oprah
said, "Nobody but Jesus could have made this happen for me." That's
nice; she thanked her Son.
The War
for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went
Crazy by Bill Carter, Viking 2010
Page 337 - [When Jay Leno invited Jimmy
Kimmel to do a "10 at 10" segment, Jimmy reamed Jay on air.] Jay
ascribed Jimmy's motivation to a small-time guy looking to get
publicity from taking on a big-time guy. For Kimmel, Jay figured, this
was like the best publicity he could get.
In that Jay was certainly right. Kimmel climbed aboard a wave of
reaction the likes of which he had rarely experienced before. For three
days afterward he felt like Rocky on the steps in Philadelphia. For
every one who accused him of being an invited guest who'd peed on his
host's carpet -- and there weren't that many who did -- he had
thousands of claps on the back. The Internet went wild with kudos for
how ballsy he was to take Jay on that way face-to-face.
The reaction Kimmel appreciated most came from the other late-night
voice reveling in the Jay-Conan saga. David Letterman sent him a brief
note to tell him that his Leno bit had been really funny.
.
Tuesday, May 24
(Stewart & Colbert in reruns)
10. Jimmy
Kimmel: The guy I bet on, Hines Ward, won "Dancing with the Stars."
That's why I'm known around here as Nostradancemus.
9. Craig Ferguson: I wouldn't go on "Dancing with the Stars." I hate to
be judged on my dancing. I know how well I did by just counting the
money in my thong.
8. Conan O'Brien: Today Oprah had "Oprah Show Men." "Oprah, thanks to
you I know my wife has a clitoris. I still don't know where it is."
"Oprah, you taught me not to get too excited when my wife loses weight,
because she's probably going to gain it back." Watch Oprah's
final shows. Your heart will crap its pants.
7. Jimmy Kimmel: The world was supposed to end on Saturday, but at the
last minute got picked up for another season.
6. Conan O'Brien: On "Dancing with the Stars" Kirstie Alley performed a
cartwheel. So if you were in the greater Los Angeles area, that's what
you felt. It was Kirstie's 1st cartwheel since they opened a
Cinnabon in her neighborhood. The judges gave her a 4.6, and the
Richter Scale gave her a 6.8.
5. Jimmy Kimmel: The combined age of the two "American Idol" finalists
is 33. Steven Tyler has herpes older than that.
4. David Letterman: That pain in my heart is Oprah leaving. Oprah
went out on top. Boy, you don't see me doing that.
3. Conan O'Brien: The rumor is that Maria Shriver is the one who leaked
the story of Arnold's love child to the press. Evidently she got the
idea of leaking things secretly from Arnold.
2. Conan O'Brien: Last night at a Texas Ranger game ex-President Bush
almost got hit with a foul ball. He vowed revenge on the player, but we
all know Obama will be the one to actually get him.
1. Jimmy Fallon: Microsoft
may introduce Windows 8 next week, and as soon as you install it that
little paper clip pops up and says, "It looks like you haven't learned
your lesson yet."
I Shall
Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010
A
wonderful story about young witch
Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a
horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has
sold over 65,000,000 books.
Page 119 - "Well, I told the Nac Mc Feegles
to go and find a young man of my acquaintance," said Tiffany, "but they
are probably in a pub by now. Are there many pubs in the city?"
The two dwarfs looked at one another. "About three hundred, I should
say," said the second dwarf.
"That many?" said Tiffany. "Then I don't expect they'll come looking
for me for at least half an hour."
.
Monday, May 23
(Stewart & Colbert in reruns)
10. Jimmy
Kimmel: "Dancing with the Stars" is ending. "The Bachelorette" is
starting. It's the Circle of No Life. I'd like to see the Bachelorette
end up with Chaz Bono. Wouldn't that be great? Call me old fashioned,
but I remember when men and women met through the Casual Encounters
section on Craigslist.
9. David Letterman: Last year George W. Bush
made $15 million from speaking engagements. He comes on stage and
introduces the goddesses. Then he goes into a 90-minute rant about
Chuck Lorre.
8. Chelsea Handler: Apocalypse No: Chuy was
so sure the world would end on Saturday, he stopped exercising 47 years
ago. The one who was really disappointed we all didn't die was Satan.
[Clip of the Devil: "I just hate being lied to. Now I know what Maria
Shriver feels like."]
7. Conan O'Brien: Oprah says even though her
show is ending, she intends to stay active. She said, "I don't want to
become one of those sad women who stays home and watches daytime TV."
6. Jay Leno: On Fox, Donald Trump said he
might run for President after all. He said he wants to do it because
President Obama is so indecisive.
5. David Letterman: Lady Gaga's on the show.
Earlier today she arrived in a stretch egg.
4. Conan O'Brien: A new law in Utah makes it
illegal for a person to publicly touch their own genitals. In other
words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team.
3. Craig Ferguson: In Ireland the President
went to a bar and had a Guinness. I know it's not great for kids to see
the President drinking alcohol, but to be fair, beer does go great with
cigarettes.
2. Jimmy Fallon: Justin Bieber kissed his
girlfriend Selena Gomez on live TV last night at the "Billboard Music
Awards." Or as teenage girls put it, "The world DID end this weekend!"
1.
Conan
O'Brien:
To
make
it
worse,
the
Apocalypse
preacher's
friends
keep
calling
and
saying,
"Come
on,
it's
not
the end of the world."
Hardback
Kindle
. .
Saturday, May 21 Saturday Night Live Season
Finale
Justin Timberlake & Lady Gaga
Justin Timberlake, Lady Gaga, Andy Samberg:
"3-Way"
It's not gay when it's in a 3-way.
With a honey in the middle there's leeway.
.
Weekend Update Favorites
.
Weekend Update: Really!?!?
.
Justin Timberlake, Jimmy Fallon: "Barry Gibb Talk
Show"
.
Justin Timberlake Monologue
.
Weekend Update: Nicolas Cage & Bradley Cooper
.
Justin Timberlake, Lady Gaga: What's That Name?
.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn + 2 Tough Fellow Prisoners
Cold Open
.
Weekend Update: Stefon & Seth Meyers leave to
vacation together
Seth: I think this is the beginning of a beautiful nightmare.
10. Jimmy Fallon: More than 250 colleges are
using graduation gowns this year made of recycled plastic bottles. It's
great preparation for the jobs most new graduates will be getting:
collecting and recycling plastic bottles.
9. Jimmy Fallon: The iPad just launched 3 new apps for cats. My cat's
going, "I don't know. I already have a laptop. Would I really use an
iPad? Meow." In one app animated fish appear on the screen until your
cat bats them away. The game is called "How to Scratch Up the Screen of
Your $600 iPad."
8. Jimmy Fallon: "Playboy" is putting its entire 57-year archive
online. It's kind of fun until you look closely. "Grandma?"
7. Jimmy Kimmel: Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's putting his
career on hold to concentrate on personal matters. Either that or he's
putting Korea on hold. It's hard to understand him. He told his talent
agency to hold all his projects while he cleans up his personal mess.
That's what happens when you impregnate your maid. There's no one to
clean up messes for you.
6. Jimmy Kimmel: Merry Apocalypse Eve. This minister says the world is
going to end. I just checked the weather. We have maybe a 10% chance of
Apocalypse.
5. Jay Leno: The Obama campaign is selling t-shirts with his long-form
birth certificate and "Made in the U.S.A." Arnold Schwarzenegger is
selling t-shirts that say "Maid in the bedroom, made in the kitchen ..."
4. David Letterman: Today is the 84th anniversary of Charles
Lindbergh's solo crossing of the Atlantic. It was the last time an
American was warmly greeted in France. When he landed he told people
he'd enjoyed the flight and had actually joined the Mile High Club.
3. Jay Leno: Katie Couric was the first solo female anchor. You know
who the last solo male anchor was? Osama bin Laden.
2. Jay Leno: Sarah Palin was asked if she has the fire in the belly to
run for President, and she said yes. But it's not the fire in the
belly; it's the air in the head.
1. David Letterman: Katie
Couric's final news broadcast was last night. Now she's looking for
another format she doesn't quite fit.
The Autobiography of Mark Twain,
2010
Page 290 - [A minister put what he thought was
hair restorer on his head and it turned his hair bright green.] He
hadn't a sermon in his barrel -- as it happened -- of any lightsome
character, so he had to preach a very grave one -- a very serious one
-- and it made matters worse. The gravity of the sermon did not
harmonize with the gaiety of his head, and the people sat all through
it with handkerchiefs stuffed in their mouths to try to keep down their
joy.
.
Thursday, May 19
(Conan O'Brien in reruns)
10. Jay Leno: A gay activist dumped glitter all
over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage.
But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife
and his mistress and the other woman he's seeing on the side.
9. Craig Ferguson: A TSA worker was arrested in L.A. for stealing from
suitcases. Remember this was just one bad apple. Over 99% of TSA
workers just want to cup your balls. And if that makes someone a
criminal, put me in jail.
8. Jay Leno: You know what's going to happen. Arnold will check into a
sex addiction clinic, and next season the maid will go on "Dancing with
the Stars."
7. Craig Ferguson: I could be a Secret Service agent because years ago
I accidentally burned off my fingerprints with a curling iron. No,
really. I didn't think my downstairs hair was curly enough, so I waited
until it got really hot down there, and then I turned on the curling
iron, and ...
6. David Letterman: Katie Couric is leaving the evening news to have a
morning talk show. Unless Jay wants it, of course. We'll spin the wheel
to see who she'll be replaced by. Charlie Sheen!
5. Jay Leno: A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He
wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes
marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress
and the other woman he's seeing on the side.
4. Jimmy Kimmel: The world is ending on Saturday. We will be judged by
Randy and J-Lo, and then I guess we go to Hell. It would really, really
suck if we only got to live 3 weeks longer than bin Laden. And speaking
of the end of the world, there are only 4 Oprah shows left.
3. Stephen Colbert: Everyone in the blamestream
media, copyright, is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you
parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears
to be made of.
2. David Letterman: Dick "Kaboom" Cheney is publishing his memoirs.
Cheney is a wonderful fiction writer. Remember the stories he used to
tell us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Lots of surprises in
the book. Did you realize at one point he got his maid pregnant?
1. Jay Leno: Arnold
Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at
her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an
actor.
Earth
(The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart explains Earth's history
to the aliens who have discovered
our ruins. There's something brilliant on every page.
Page 59 - Q. Why was the right side of your
body more coordinated that the left side? A. Because that's how God
made us. Unfortunately, roughly 10% of us chose an alternate lifestyle.
Many of them excelled in the arts, but that didn't make it right.
Q. Why were men unable to give birth? A. Their rear vaginas were
infertile.
.
Wednesday, May 18
10. Conan O'Brien: I thought it would be fun to
ask the staff members' kids what their parents think about working for
me. "On April Fools Day Conan let the air out of the tires on my dad's
wheelchair."
9. Craig Ferguson: It's a great day for Brazilian women. A court ruled
today that it's OK for women to de-stress at work by masturbating. I
know! This is where Brazil is leading the world. I'll bet the offices
in Brazil were buzzing today with excitement. CBS won't even let me
cuss at work, much less ... Never mind. I know a quiet place
8. Jay Leno: Republican candidate Mitt Romney raised $10 million in
just 8 hours this week. That's a dollar for every position he's had on
health care.
7. Jay Leno: The mother of Arnold's love child retired in January and
received a severance package. How many think Maria should sever
Arnold's package? Arnold kept it a secret by moving the woman and child
down the street from that Pakistani military academy, the one that
didn't notice Osama.
6. Craig Ferguson: At the circus I used to worry that one of the wild
animals would snap its leash and attack the crowd. It's the same thing
I worry about now when I watch "The View."
5. David Letterman: Al Qaeda has a new leader, Saif al-Adel. Al Qaeda
is calling him a temporary leader, and so is SEAL Team 6. He's a
success story. He worked his way up from the mail bomb room.
4. Jimmy Fallon: A law student is being criticized for plagiarizing a
YouTube video in his commencement speech. "Class of 2011, you all got
to hide your wives, hide your kids, hide your husbands ..."
3. David Letterman: For her final show Oprah had all her favorite
guests,
and then she gave them to the audience.
2. Conan O'Brien: Women have different types of orgasms when they are
alone vs. when they are with a partner. The two types are called "real"
and "fake."
1. Stephen Colbert:
Starbucks is being sued for firing a dwarf. Or as Starbucks calls him,
a tall.
.
Tuesday, May 17
(Jimmy Kimmel in reruns)
10. Jimmy Fallon: A 100-year-old woman in Texas
will finally get her high school diploma in June. She's already thought
up a great senior prank: sitting very still with her eyes closed.
9. Craig Ferguson: In San Francisco today a policeman was arrested for
running a brothel. His superiors knew something was up because he would
only handcuff suspects if they paid extra.
8. Stephen Colbert: Oil Righty, Then: Should the oil companies give
back all those tax breaks? Sure, as soon as the seagulls give back all
that oil.
7. Craig Ferguson: Al Qaeda has picked a new leader. He was in the
Egyptian Special Forces, saw action in Libya, and likes long walks on
the beach and cuddling. Do we have a picture of him? No! That was a
shirtless Mel Gibson today at the Cannes Film Festival. "Mad Max:
Beyond the Blubberdome." You know the movie he was in, "What Women
Want?" This is what women end up with.
6. David Letterman: I mention Newt Gingrich is running for President,
nothing. I mention Donald Trump is not running, you go crazy. Think a
minute. Which campaign would have made you happier?
5. Craig Ferguson: I guess "love child" is a nicer term than "OK
Maria's asleep child." The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she
did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff.
4. Craig Ferguson: To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial
responsibility for the child: education, health care ... everything
he's taken away from every other child in California.
3. Jay Leno: The President's approval rating, which went up after the
killing of bin Laden, has slipped again, which is really bad news. Not
for the President, for Moammar Khadafy.
2. Jay Leno: You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman
have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid. And
today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International
Monetary Fund.
1. Conan O'Brien: I am
Conan O'Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold
Schwarzenegger, Jr.
The War
for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went
Crazy by Bill Carter, Viking 2010
Page 335 -
[Jay invited Jimmy Kimmel to do a "10 at 10" segment, but none of the
questions were about the feud with Conan. Jimmy changed that by giving
nasty answers, ending with the thought that Jay might switch to
Kimmel's channel ABC] "Listen, Jay. Conan and I have children. All you
have to take care of is cars!"
"That's right," Jay muttered, still playing along but looking to end
this thing as amicably as possible.
"We have lives to lead here," Kimmel said. "You've got eight hundred
million dollars! For god's sake, leave our shows alone!"
Jimmy had no remorse. As he saw it, he took what they were trying to do
to him -- make him Jay's boy -- as a hostile act that justified rough
treatment. But he had not expected Jay to just stand there and take it,
never deviating from his script. Surely Jay would say something
back, Kimmel had thought. But he just let Kimmel pummel him without
really throwing a punch in return.
Of course, that posture had defined Jay from the earliest of ages: He'd
actually tried boxing once and found all he could do was let the other
guy hit him.
Back at Jay headquarters, the discomfort was acute. Jay knew he'd
walked into a door being pushed in his face and could blame no one but
himself. He'd let it happen, so he wasn't going to cut it from the air.
.
Monday, May 16 (Jimmy Kimmel in
reruns)
10. David Letterman: Right now CIA agents are
screening the pornography frame by frame, looking for clues.
9. Jay Leno: Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new
book: "The Adultery of Hope."
8. David Letterman: Trump says he wants to spend more time bullying
obscure celebrities. That one-man juggernaut Mike Huckabee is not
running. The Republicans are really scrambling for a guy to lose to
Obama.
7. Conan O'Brien: At the Cannes Film Festival an audience gave a
standing ovation to a silent film. Evidently someone showed "Burlesque"
with the sound off.
6. Jay Leno: In his new book Steven Tyler says he tried gay sex once
and didn't like it. Meanwhile, the other guy is going, "What? That was
a dude?"
5. Jimmy
Fallon: Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 27 this weekend. At his
party it was fun to reconnect with old friends, but then everybody's
parents showed up and made it weird.
4. Conan O'Brien: Republican candidate Ron Paul
came out for the legalization of heroin and prostitution, unfortunately
not in time to be cast as Charlie Sheen's replacement on "Two and a
Half Men."
3. Craig Ferguson: At this point the only one who can derail President
Obama's reelection is Joe Biden.
2. Jon Stewart: Porn Identity: Al Jizzera: Dead Man Wanking: Friday the
news broke: a stash of pornography was found inside Osama bin Laden's
compound. Even before Navy SEALs shot out his eyes, bin Laden was
probably going blind anyway.
1. Craig Ferguson:
The U.S. has hit the debt ceiling. I think we should do what we always
do when faced with a nightmarish problem: replace it with Ashton
Kutcher.
The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the
Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994
Page 18 -
[The shorter "Tonight" show opened up an opportunity for a new show at
12:30.] For thirty years NBC had been unerring in choosing its
late-night stars. In 1982 NBC found the next link in the late-night
chain. His name was David Letterman.
30 - Thanks to the reliable laughs he generated, as well as the
spontaneity of his interaction with Dave, one comic became the
signature "Late Night" guest: Jay Leno. They had been linked from their
earliest days together in the comedy clubs. Now they helped each other
establish reputations as the two funniest guys with attitudes on
television. Jay appeared almost forty times on "Late Night," and the
staff almost always felt these shows were the funniest of the season.
.
Friday, May 13
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson were live.)
10. David Letterman: Today is Friday the 13th. i
hope your luck gets better after this.
9. Craig Ferguson: Craisins are a mixture of cranberries and raisins.
Or just mentally disturbed raisins.
8. David Letterman: Regis Philbin has a new book out, perfect for grads
and dads. A word of warning though, while reading it don't operate
heavy machinery. [Dave pantomimed dozing off.] But Regis is so busy,
when did he have time to hire a ghostwriter? Turns out Regis lives with
3 wives in a walled compound.
7. Jimmy Fallon: In Texas 4 people were arrested for selling drugs and
raccoon meat at a carwash. The cop said, "You boys are giving a bad
name to every carwash/raccoon-meat-shop in Texas."
6. Jay Leno: Ashton Kutcher has a new slogan: Winning! It's official.
Ashton will be replacing Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men." Charlie
was so surprised he fell off his porn star. Charlie thought he was
going to get the job back. In fact, he just bought a new house in
Beverly Hills for $7 million. It's the highest price ever paid for a
crack house.
5. Jimmy Fallon: The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography
from bin Laden's compound. It's probably not easy just having sex with
the same 11 wives all the time. There were interesting titles: "Debby
Does Abbottabad," "Deep Goat," "Bare Ankles 4," and "2 Humps, 1
Camel."
4. David Letterman: When I give a commencement address I always give
this advice: treat a hooker like a lady and a lady like a hooker. And
if you don't vote you'll never have to serve on jury duty.
3. Craig Ferguson: There's a movement to make pole dancing an Olympic
sport. Hurray! Makes sense. It gets your heart rate up; it works the
muscles; it makes you sore. And it's not easy on the strippers either.
2. Jimmy Fallon: Ashton Kutcher is going to replace Charlie Sheen on
"Two and a Half Men." I wasn't sure Ashton would be able to replace an
older actor, but Bruce Willis said, "Trust me. He'll be fine."
1. David Letterman:On this
date in 1930 the first airline stewardess, Ellen Church, went on duty.
The flight was nonstop, and so, I understand, was Ellen.
I Shall
Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010
A wonderful story about young witch
Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a
horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has
sold over 65,000,000 books.
Page 110 -She glanced up at the towers of
Unseen University, crammed with wise men in pointy hats, or at least
men in pointy hats, but there was another address, well-known to
witches, which was in its own way just as magical: Boffo's Joke
Emporium, number four, Tenth Egg Street. She had never been there, but
she did get a catalog occasionally.
... But real witches often needed Boffo, too. There were times when you
had to LOOK like a witch, and not every witch was good at it and many
were just too busy to get their hair in a mess. So Boffo's was where
you bought your fake warts ...
.
Thursday, May 12
10. Craig Ferguson: Osama bin Laden kept a diary.
Well that's very sweet, isn't it? Turns out his secret desire was to
sneak into New York and catch a showing of "Mamma Mia." He briefly
considered joining the cast of "Two and a Half Men."
9. Craig Ferguson: Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an
artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter.
Justin Bieber is a singer.
8. Jimmy Kimmel: The Oprahcolypse is here. There are only 9 more Oprah
shows, and then I guess we'll die. Oprah says she wants to fulfill a
lifelong dream and appear on Broadway, maybe in "Les Miseroprah." I
think she should do "Everybody Gets a Car!" [Children under 16 get a
bike.]
7. Craig Ferguson: A diary is a very private thing of course. You don't
want strangers looking at it. It's the exact opposite of your genitals.
My diary is bound in leather, exactly LIKE my genitals.
6. Jimmy Kimmel:On "American Idol" Steven Tyler debuted his new song.
If you missed it you can buy it on iTunes or just grab a cat and choke
it.
5. Jimmy Fallon: A company in L.A. is selling a bottle of water for
$2,600. You know what's just as ridiculous? A $2 bottle of water.
4. Jay Leno: President Obama gave a speech about how good it is to have
immigrants in this country, though I understand Maria Shriver may give
the rebuttal.
3. David Letterman: When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, "Oh,
great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?"
2. Conan O'Brien: On "American Idol" last night Lady Gaga wore shoes
that had penises for heels. There was an awkward moment when she fell
down because her left shoe lost its erection. It saw Steven Tyler, and
...
1. Stephen Colbert:
Terror, a New One: What's Al Qaeda doing now, besides cringing every
time they hear a helicopter
The Autobiography of Mark Twain,
2010
Page 289 -
General Noyes was our Minister to France at the time. He had lost a leg
in the war. He was a pretty vain man. I will say that for him, and
anybody could see -- certainly I saw -- that whenever there was a
proper gathering around, Noyes presently seemed to disappear. There
wasn't anything left of him but the leg which he didn't have.
... You couldn't put out a hand anywhere without laying it upon a
velvety, exquisite tiger skin or leopard skin, and so on -- oh well,
all the kinds of skins were there; it was as if a menagerie had
undressed in the place.
.
Wednesday, May 11
10. Jay Leno: Newt Gingrich is running for
President. Every 6 months we'd have a different First Lady. Newt's
slogan is, "At least I'm not Trump."
9. Craig Ferguson: I've been to the Cannes Film Festival 3 times. I
wasn't famous, so when I asked the hotel to have some dry cleaning
done, the valet said, "You have no premiere to go to so ... " And I
said, "I don't need to be on a red carpet to wear my little black
dress, bitch!"
8. David Letterman: We had a naked guy running loose on the subway.
I've always said, when you ride the subway, be careful which pole you
grab.
7. Craig Ferguson: It's the first day of the Cannes Film Festival. It
opens with Woody Allen's new film in which Owen Wilson travels back in
time to meet Salvador Dali. Critics say the film is really good. You
can take along your wife or your daughter, or perhaps it's the same
person. Too soon? Too Soon-Yi?
6. Jimmy Fallon: Just a month after losing a cobra the Bronx Zoo spent
the day looking for a missing female peacock. What they should be
looking for is a new zookeeper. I'm not surprised nobody was watching
the peacock. Take a look at it. [Showed the NBC logo.]
5. Conan O'Brien: Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective
surgery on her mouth. It's being called the right procedure on the
wrong Palin.
4. Jimmy Fallon: Khadafy hasn't been seen since April 30. Are you
thinking what I'm thinking? Nose job.
3. David Letterman: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver may be
divorcing. Evidently Arnold was seeing Jane Goodall.
2. Jimmy Kimmel: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are
separating. She told him, "I'll give you 25 years to learn to speak
English."
1. David Letterman:
Apparently Osama took a lot of Viagra. That's why they thought he was
armed.
Earth
(The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart explains Earth's history
to the aliens who have discovered
our ruins. There's something brilliant on every page.
Page 56 - People only wore sleep caps if
they were expecting to be visited by three or more ghosts over the
course of the evening. Pajamas were special clothes people had to start
wearing when their kids turned three. A typical bed consisted of a soft
yielding base, a warm protective covering and up to a million
microscopic eight-legged arthropods feeding off dead skin cells. The
snore feather brought light comedy to what was otherwise an intolerable
condition. Sleeping pills ended insomnia in the short term or the long
term, depending on the dosage. Pillows were both a cushioning for the
head and a favored means of dispute among sexually curious sorority
girls.
.
Tuesday, May 10
10. Jimmy Fallon: Sarah Palin is getting a lot of
support from low-income Republicans. You know, like Todd Palin.
9. Jimmy Fallon: Hillary Clinton is at a summit in Greenland with
leaders of 7 Arctic countries. Obama said, "Send the Ice Queen. Make it
so."
8. David Letterman: Bin Laden had Viagra in his medicine cabinet, but
he didn't take any with him into the afterlife, so 66 of the virgins
are still on standby.
7. Craig Ferguson: Arnold Schwarzenegger's going back to acting, but
what kind of movies? "Conan the Octogenarian?" "Occasional Recall?"
"Tinkle All the Way?" I have a soft spot for Arnold, maybe because I
enjoyed his movies in the 1980s, or maybe because I'm not a teacher in
California.
6. Jimmy Kimmel: In Iran 25 of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's associates have
been arrested and charged with being magicians and being able to summon
genies. So if you're keeping score at home, it's believe in genies 1,
believe in Holocaust 0.
5. Jay Leno: Al Qaeda has released an audio tape by bin Laden made this
afternoon. "Glugguuguuuugllgluuug."
4. Jay Leno: The Lakers defeat was so bad the team is asking Pakistan
for a place to hide.
3. David Letterman: Pakistan has 3 of Osama's wives: Ivana, Marla and
Melania.
2. Jay Leno: Bin Laden liked watching old footage of himself on video.
The only thing he couldn't bear to watch, footage of his old 10 o'clock
show.
1. Jon Stewart: Why are we
listening to the Bush administration people [trying to take credit]?
They didn't get bin Laden. They're like the Winklevoss twins of killing
Osama.
The War
for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went
Crazy by Bill Carter, Viking 2010
Page 334 -
[When Jimmy Kimmel got the questions for his "10 at 10" segment with
Jay, none of them referred to the late-night fight. He felt Jay was
just trying to make it appear he and Jimmy were friends.] Knowing the
premise of the bit, Kimmel figured he had some advantages. It had to be
ten questions, so they couldn't really edit a few out. And if he gauged
his answers correctly, they wouldn't easily be able to edit individual
moments either. Then he set up his own cameras to tape his end so he
would have that to use no matter what Jay did.
335 - Nothing much happened until question four, when Jay asked who in
the world Jimmy would most want to interview. This was teed up to him:
"You and Conan together," Jimmy said.
But it was at question five when Kimmel's real purpose in the visit
became clear: "What's the best prank you ever pulled?"
After a real answer about the time he painted his aunt's house orange
and green, Jimmy said, "I think the best prank I ever pulled was, I
told a guy once, 'Five years from now I'm going to give you my show.'
And then when the five years came, I gave it to him and I took it back,
almost instantly."
Then question six: "Did you ever order anything off the TV?"
"Like NBC ordered your show off the TV?"
.
Monday, May 9
10. David Letterman: Bin Laden called his wives
"The Goddesses."
9. Conan O'Brien: The Philippines held a giant circumcision party for
hundreds of boys. All agreed that the worst part was the Bouncy Castle.
8. David Letterman: Top 10 reasons Meredith Vieira is leaving "The
Today Show." 1. Forced out by Leno.
7. Jay Leno: It seems the country of Packalies, I mean Pakistan, is
threatening to end cooperation with the U.S. What are they going to do,
cut off our heroin?
6. Craig Ferguson: I had allergies in Britain, but when I moved
to California they went away. So it's not pollen I'm allergic to but
damp weather and sadness.
5. Jimmy Kimmel: For Mother's Day I got my mom an Etch-a-Sketch and
told her it's an iPad 2. She doesn't know.
4. Stephen Colbert: Bin Laden continues milking his crowd-pleasing
death.
3. Craig Ferguson: Paul McCartney is getting married again in an
intimate ceremony, which is a nice way of saying Ringo's not invited.
2. David Letterman: My favorite part of the Kentucky Derby was Bob
Costas interviewing the jockeys while standing on a box.
1. Conan O'Brien: "Glee"
is going to present its version of Rebecca Black's "Friday." Unless, of
course, SEALs Team 6 gets there in time.
The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the
Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994
Page 16 -
Johnny's monologue became the country's most acutely observed political
barometer. Johnny made fun of them all: anyone in politics or show
business or public life. But the ones he made FOOLS of were truly in
trouble.
17 - Other networks tried Joey Bishop, Merv Griffin, Dick Cavett, David
Brenner and Alan Thicke. Carson swept them all away
In 1980, in a showdown with NBC president Fred Silverman, Johnny used
his ultimate power. He threatened to quit the show. That was all he
needed to wring an unprecedented deal out of NBC. In addition to more
than $5 million a year in salary, Carson got series commitments from
the network for his production company, and most important, he gained
ownership over the "Tonight" show. ... In total the deal was
estimated at more than $50 million. No one in television had ever
received anything close to that amount. And at the same time, Carson
got something else he wanted. The show was cut down from ninety minutes
to one hour.
.
Saturday, May 7: Saturday Night
Live
Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: I'm just hopin' the
lamestream media doesn't twist my words by repeating them verbatim.
Seth Meyers: There are now rumors bin Laden isn't dead. President Obama
will become the first black person in history to have to prove he
killed someone.
Seth Meyers: Obama's approval rating shot to 56%, proving there's
absolutely nothing he can do to please the other 44%.
SNL Pregnant in Heels: Wait, don't cut the umbilical cord. I may want
to return it.
Tina Fey Monologue
Weekend Update Favorite
Seth Meyers & Stefon
.
Osama bin Laden Cold Open
.
Digital Short Jack Sparrow with Michael Bolton
.
Jason Sudakis as The Devil
.
Friday, May 6 (Only Leno, Letterman,
Fallon & Ferguson were live.)
10. Jimmy Fallon: The unemployment rate went up last
month for the 1st time since November. Luckily a senior management
position just opened up at Al Qaeda.
9. David Letterman: Saturday is the Kentucky Derby, fastest 2 minutes
in all of sports, if you don't count the Knicks' post season. This year
the horses may be subjected to a surprise drug test. But isn't almost
everything a surprise to a horse?
8. Jay Leno: Pakistan is still saying they didn't know bin Laden was
hiding there. He wasn't hiding there. He was living there. Look
at these pictures. Here he is working as a crossing guard. Here's his
restaurant, Osama bin Laden's, downtown, and here he is getting a star
on the Islamabad Walk of Fame.
7. Craig Ferguson: Thor is a god who lives down among humans. Today
we'd call that Oprah.
6. Jay Leno: Today Hillary Clinton sent Khadafy a sealed note asking
him to resign. Don't send him a sealed note. Send him a note delivered
by a Seal.
5. David Letterman: Bin Laden was in a mansion with no phone and no
cable. He'd been waiting there 6 years for Time-Warner to show up.
4. Jimmy Fallon: Hugh Hefner, 85, and Crystal Harris, 25, have sent out
invitations for their June 18 wedding. They say to wear white, but
bring black just in case.
3. Jay Leno: The Kentucky Derby's this weekend, and officials are on
the lookout for trainers who give their horses Viagra to make them run
faster. Remember the old days when the horse would just win by a nose?
2. David Letterman: Mothers Day is Sunday. I haven't talked to my mom
in a long, long time. Thank God for caller i.d.
1. David Letterman: I went
to Central Park today on my lunch hour, and I saw a robin. Then I saw a
muggin' and a carjackin'.
I Shall
Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010
A wonderful story about young witch
Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a
horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has
sold over 65,000,000 books.
Page 109 - In the country everyone you meet is someone you know or a
stranger worth investigating, but here it seemed there were so many
people that it was a waste of time even to look at them at all, and
possibly dangerous in any case.
"Would you no' mind if we had just the one wee drink while we are
looking?" said Rob Anybody. "A man could drown o' thirst around here."
.
Thursday, May 5
10. Craig
Ferguson: I love Mexico. There's a beautiful island off the coast that
has more seals than Osama bin Laden's bedroom.
9. Jay Leno: The helicopters were able to get to bin Laden undetected
because the Pakistani air traffic controller was sound asleep.
8. Jay Leno: The new James Bond movie will have $45 million of product
placement in it. It's so bad he's now, "Bond, Gold Bond, Medicated
Powder." The villain is Cash for Goldfinger.
7. Jay Leno: Cinco de Mayo celebrates Mexico defeating the French.
Isn't that like beating Sarah Palin on "Jeopardy"? And Sunday is
Mothers Day. If your mom is a Mexican alcoholic it's going to be a long
weekend.
6. Jay Leno: The Lakers game last night was Stinko de Mayo. Lakers fans
were so upset they actually quit texting long enough to boo. The Lakers
are having almost as much bad luck at home this week as Osama bin Laden.
5. Stephen Colbert: I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim
extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist.
4. Conan O'Brien: Cinco de Mayo is the 4th drunkest holiday in America.
The 1st 3 are St.Patrick's Day. At the White House today President
Obama whacked a giant pinata and then gave it a burial at sea.
3. Jon Stewart: Donald Trump is comparing his resistance to same-sex
marriage to his refusal to use a new kind of putter. I think gay people
and straight people use the same putters. It's really a matter of hole
selection.
2. Jay Leno: The White House says there's no chance they'll release the
death photos. Unless Obama starts to slip in the polls.
1. Jimmy Kimmel: The
identity of the Navy Seals is being kept secret to keep them from being
high-fived to death.
The Autobiography of Mark Twain,
2010
Page 268 - When I was seven or eight, or ten, or twelve years old --
along there -- a neighbor said to my mother, "Do you ever believe
anything that that boy says?" My mother said, " He is the wellspring of
truth, but you can't bring up the whole well with one bucket." -- and
she added, "I know his average, therefore he never deceives me. I
discount him 30 per cent for embroidery, and what is left is perfect
and priceless truth, without a flaw in it anywhere."
288 - The late Bill Nye once said, "I have been told that Wagner's
music is better than it sounds."
.
Wednesday, May 4
10. Jay Leno:
Reports say bin Laden lived with 9 women and 23 children. I'm surprised
the guy didn't shoot himself in the head.
9. Jimmy Kimmel: The White House keeps changing the story. First he was
armed and using a wife as a shield. Then he was alone and unarmed but
was offering resistance. Now they're saying it was type 2 diabetes.
8. Jay Leno: May is National Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month. Shouldn't
they have that during spring break month instead of the month after?
7. David Letterman: President Obama decided not to release the death
photo, which is probably a good idea. On the other hand, they did
release this. [Nick Nolte mug shot]
6. Jay Leno: The White House says they're not going to release the
death photo, so we'll just have to wait till Donald Trump forces them
to release it. The White House did release his last words: "Don't tase
me, bro."
5. David Letterman: Who will replace Osama bin Laden? Insiders think it
will be his fast-driving nephew, Osama vin Diesel. The successor will
probably be Ayman Al-Zawahiri. He trained as a surgeon and was the head
of Egyptian Islamic jihad. Earlier this year he released a major
musical hit. [Clip of him singing "Friday, Friday."]
4. Jay Leno: Bin Laden had money and telephone numbers sewn into his
clothes. Apparently we got him just as he was on his way to summer
camp. We got one of those numbers. Chris, could you call it. [Voice:
"You've reached 'American Idol.' Thanks for voting for Scotty
McCreery."]
3. Conan O'Brien: A 3-D movie of "Glee" is in the works. The 3-D is so
good it's like the characters are literally pulling you out of the
closet.
2. Jimmy Kimmel: Osama bin Laden is
up to 2,000 friends on ShotInTheFacebook. 1. Jay Leno: A 61-year-old
bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama
bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn't real,
because he wasn't being protected by the Pakistani military.
The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the
Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994
Page 12 - [Jay Leno had a secret] Leno had only told the news to his
wife, Mavis. Helen [Kushnick, his bulldog of an agent for 17 years] had
told nobody. Only they and the very top NBC executives knew what had
happened 7 days earlier in the NBC corporate offices in Burbank; Jay
Leno had signed a contract, worth more than $6 million a year, with the
NBC television network that guaranteed him the job as host of the
"Tonight Show" as soon as Johnny Carson stepped down.
.
Tuesday, May 3
10. Jimmy
Fallon: Rush Limbaugh said Obama never would have tracked down bin
Laden if it weren't for George Bush's policies. And to be fair, Obama
wouldn't even have been elected if not for George Bush's policies.
9. David Letterman: Bin Laden lived in this compound in Pakistan with
all of his wives for 6 years. So he did suffer.
8. Jimmy Fallon: Starbucks is becoming a popular place for thieves to
steal iPads, laptops and purses. Can you imagine being robbed while
you're just trying to pay $6 for a cup of coffee?
7. Jay Leno: The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden.
it's a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head.
6. Conan O'Brien: The White House is releasing the bin Laden death
photo. Even better, they're doing it on a set of limited edition
commemorative plates. [Mimed starting to eat and being disgusted.] Andy
Richter: I'd take it on a mouse pad. Conan: Yeah. "I'll watch some
porn. Ugh!"
5. Jon Stewart: To Kill a Mockingturd: Apparently bin Laden lived in
that mansion for 6 years. If the Pakistani Military Academy was
Domino's they would have delivered to him on foot. They could have
reeled him in with a fishing rod.
4. Jay Leno: President Obama has done something no one else could do.
He's gotten Donald Trump to shut up. Obama's even getting a little
cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, "Yeah, I was born in
Kenya. What you gonna do about it?"
3. Conan O'Brien: Andy Dick was arrested in a restaurant today for
being drunk and disorderly. Or as we call that here in Los Angeles, the
first sign of spring.
2. Stephen Colbert: Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a
country that swore it didn't have needles.
1. David Letterman: The
Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President
Obama full citizenship.
The War
for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went
Crazy by Bill Carter, Viking 2010
Page 330 - [After Jimmy Kimmel did his parody of Jay, Jay called him.]
Jay also suggested Jimmy come over to NBC and appear on the show, a
suggestion Kimmel did not take seriously until some time after they
hung up and Jay's booking department called. They wanted him to do a
"10 at 10" spot with Jay [where the guest answered 10 questions from a
remote location]. Leno would be in his studio; Jimmy could stay in his
own.
Kimmel realized at once he had to do it. He believed in television
moments, and this would surely be a television moment. If nothing else,
it would be fun to poke Jay a bit over this.
[Meanwhile on "The Tonight Show" Conan said] "I'm trying very hard to
stay positive here, and I want to tell you something. this is honest.
Hosting 'The Tonight Show' has been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream
for me. And I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can
do anything you want in life. Yeah, yeah -- unless Jay Leno wants to do
it too."
At NBC the joke represented the point of no return.
.
Monday, May 2 (Kimmel bumped by
special bin Laden report.)
10. Craig
Ferguson: But the President warned it's not over. Now we have to be
ready for the blowback. That's right, the celebrity tweets.
9. David Letterman: Did you folks enjoy Osama bin Laden's season finale?
8. Jay Leno: Bin Laden was shot twice in the face, so Dick Cheney may
have been involved.
7. David Letterman: The good news is, bin Laden lived long enough to
see the Royal Wedding.
6. Conan O'Brien: The Kohler Company is making the world's most
expensive toilet. It has a humidor and a panini maker, and instead of
flushing it gift wraps.
5. David Letterman: There's already been a mix-up in the afterlife,
just a paperwork thing. Bin Laden was greeted by 72 vegans.
4. Jimmy Fallon as Donald Trump: The message is clear. President Obama
is so jealous and so threatened by me he had to hunt down and kill
Osama bin Laden right in the middle of my show. Obviously the President
planned this whole operation and press conference to cut off my show,
so, essentially, I killed Osama bin Laden. So congratulations to me,
Donald Trump. You're welcome.
3. Conan O'Brien: The mansion had no internet access, which explains
all the bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's.
2. Jon Stewart: I'm watching "Celebrity Apprentice" to see if President
Obama's and Seth Meyers' shellacking of Trump had left a visible mark.
Suddenly they break in to "Celebrity Apprentice" for the President. So
either the President had some more Trump jokes, or a meteor was about
to hit the Earth. But it was Harry Plotter and the Deathly Hello, Bye
Bye Beardie, Death to Douchey, Big Deady, To Kill a Mockingturd.
1. Conan O'Brien: The
President was on Oprah today, but the segment was taped last week. In
fact, you could watch Oprah give him the order to kill bin Laden.
Earth
(The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart explains Earth's history
to the aliens who have discovered
our ruins.
Page 55 - We made prisoners wear bright orange because we were
terrified they'd get hurt in hunting accidents. Doormen dressed like
mock admirals because wearing street clothing while opening the door
for rich people wasn't demeaning enough. The upside of wearing
promotional costumes was that no one else knew you were in them. The
downside was, you knew it.
.
May
Winners
Monday, May 2 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: The President was on Oprah
today, but the segment was taped last week. In fact, you could watch
Oprah give him the order to kill bin Laden.
Tuesday, May 3 Strangie to David
Letterman: The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted
President Obama full citizenship.
Wednesday, May 4 Strangie to Jay
Leno: A 61-year-old bearded man went to
the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a
bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn't real, because he wasn't being
protected by the Pakistani military.
Thursday, May 5 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: The identity of the Navy Seals is
being kept secret to keep them from being high-fived to death.
Friday, May 6 Strangie to David Letterman: I went to Central Park today on
my lunch hour, and I saw a robin. Then I saw a muggin' and a carjackin'.
Monday, May 9 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien: "Glee" is going to present its version of Rebecca Black's
"Friday." Unless, of course, SEALs Team 6 gets there in time.
Tuesday, May 10 Strangie to Jon
Stewart: Why are we listening to the Bush administration people [trying
to take credit]? They didn't get bin Laden. They're like the Winklevoss
twins of killing Osama.
Wednesday, May 11 Strangie to David Letterman:
Apparently Osama took a lot of Viagra. That's why they thought he was
armed.
Thursday, May 12 Strangie to Stephen Colbert:
Terror, a New One: What's Al Qaeda doing now, besides cringing every
time they hear a helicopter?
Friday, May 13 Strangie to David
Letterman:On this date in 1930 the first airline stewardess, Ellen
Church, went on duty. The flight was nonstop, and so, I understand, was
Ellen.
Monday, May 16 Strangie to Craig
Ferguson: The U.S. has hit the debt ceiling. I think we should do
what
we always do when faced with a nightmarish problem: replace it with
Ashton Kutcher.
Tuesday, May 17 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien: I am Conan O'Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr.
Wednesday, May 18 Strangie to Stephen Colbert:
Starbucks is
being sued for firing a dwarf. Or as Starbucks calls him, a tall.
Thursday, May 19 Strangie to Jay
Leno: Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the
kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his
father was an actor.
Friday, May 20 Strangie to David Letterman: Katie Couric's final news
broadcast was last night. Now she's looking for another format she
doesn't quite fit.
Monday, May 23 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien: To make it worse, the
Apocalypse preacher's friends keep calling and saying, "Come on, it's
not the end of the world."
Tuesday, May 24 Strangie to Jimmy
Fallon: Microsoft may introduce
Windows 8 next week, and as soon as you install it that little paper
clip pops up and says, "It looks like you haven't learned your lesson
yet."
Wednesday, May 25 Strangie to Jimmy
Kimmel: Oprah said, "Nobody but Jesus could have made this happen for
me." That's nice; she thanked her Son.
Thursday, May 26 Strangie to Craig
Ferguson: In Nashville I bought a
snakeskin cowboy hat. Don't write me letters, PETA. It was fake. I like
my snakeskin cowboy hats like I like my boobies, big and fake and
pushed down over my eyes.
Friday, May 27 Stragie to Jimmy
Fallon: A woman in Florida was
arrested for throwing butter at her roommate. Her roommate was
immediately removed and placed in a shelter for buttered women.
Monday, May 30 Strangie to Chelsea
Handler: Amy Winehouse wants to have a baby. No! No! No!
Tuesday, May 31 Strangie to
Jimmy Kimmel: In Italy Snooki crashed into
a police car. Two officers were treated for whiplash; the police car
was treated for gonorrhea, and Snooki lost her license.
For each day's top
10 late-night zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim
