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Late-Night-TV Jokes, May 2010

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim
(San Francisco's Town Fool for the odd quarter century)

Friday, May 21 Strangie goes to Jimmy Fallon: "The BP president said the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car's fine.'"

May Strangies: Ferguson 3, Leno 3, Fallon 3, Letterman 2, Stewart 2, Colbert 1, Kimmel 1

 

Monday, May 3 Strangie goes to Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama says British Petroleum will be paying the bill for the oil spill. BP says, 'Bailout?'"

Tuesday, May 4 Strangie goes to Jon Stewart: "Explosion & the City 2: Great police work. We went from a man leaving a bomb in Times Square to 'You have the right to remain silent' in less time than it takes Sting to climax."

Wednesday, May 5 Strangie goes to David Letterman: "It's official. British Petroleum has now put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders."

Thursday, May 6 Strangie goes to Stephen Colbert: "Franklin Roosevelt described our relationship with England as 'Allies with benefits.'"

Friday, May 7 Strangie goes to Craig Ferguson: "Yesterday so many guys got screwed on Wall Street they had to rename it Broadway."

Monday, May 10 Strangie goes to David Letterman: "Early humans mated with Neanderthals. I'm just sorry it didn't work out for Sandra Bullock."

Tuesday, May 11 Strangie goes to Jon Stewart: Jon showed Fox commentators saying the Gulf oil spill is "Obama's Katrina." Jon: "No matter what happens, there's a Bush complete screwup to compare it to."

Wednesday, May 12 Strangie goes to Jay Leno: "When Betty White started, celebrity sex tapes were silent. And she was in one of the first talkies."

Thursday, May 13 Strangie goes to Jimmy Kimmel: "It's day 24 of the Gulf Spillapalooza. You know, once a beach goes black, it may never go back."

Friday, May 14 Strangie goes to Craig Ferguson: "NBC canceled 'Law & Order' after 20 years to make way for the new Jay Leno show 'Jaw & Order.'"

Monday, May 17 Strangie goes to Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin and George Bush both have books coming out this fall. I predict a national shortage of crayons."

Tuesday, May 18 Strangie goes to Craig Ferguson: "It's also Enya's birthday. Not many people know her last name is Face."

Wednesday, May 19 Strangie goes to Jimmy Fallon: "Unattractive defendants are 22% more likely to be convicted than attractive ones. But attractive ones have more trouble after they're convicted."

Thursday, May 20 Strangie goes to Jay Leno: "Family values Indiana Representative Mark Souder used to take a member of his staff to state parks for sex, what Republicans mean by 'opening up public lands for drilling.'"

Friday, May 21 Strangie goes to Jimmy Fallon: "The BP president said the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car's fine.'"

Monday, May 3

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama says British Petroleum will be paying the bill for the oil spill. BP says, 'Bailout?'"

Jon Stewart: "The Gulf Coast, a place so nice it's been devastated twice."

David Letterman: "Welcome to 'The Late Show,' the other bomb on Broadway. The car bombing was averted by an alert carjacker. It was then detected by bomb-sniffing hookers." "Did you folks see the Kentucky Derby? I watched, of course, with Jay and Oprah." "Conan O'Brien went on '60 Minutes' and said NBC broke his heart. Welcome to the club. But Conan wouldn't say anything bad about Jay Leno. If you don't have anything nice to say about Jay, let's hear it." Guest Jim Powers of "The Big Bang Theory" said he and his mother are going on "Martha Stewart" Mother's Day. Dave: "Does your mother know Martha's a con?"

Jay Leno: "The Iranian President is in New York. He parked his SUV in Times Square, changed his shirt, and went to his hotel. The last time an SUV got this much attention it had a 9-iron sticking out its rear window." "In Arizona Taco Bell has changed its name to Skippy's." "A holy man in India has survived 70 years without food or water, surpassing the record set by Southwest Airline passengers." "A cop was fired for smoking marijuana in his police car. How many donuts did he eat!?"
Headlines: "Arizona to Deport Everyone Who Says, 'No Problemo.'" Question Man: "How much would you pay to keep your pet alive?" Woman: "How much is a bullet?" Classified: "Free indoor duck. Comes with diapers." News item: "A French soldier was teaching the Afghans to retreat from the enemy."

Jimmy Kimmel: "British Petroleum has been asked to plug the hole. Call me crazy, but wouldn't this have been the perfect job for Tiger Woods?"

Craig Ferguson: "Jack Paar said immigration is the sincerest form of flattery." "Here in America we've lost the ability to calmly and rationally discuss the issues. It's as if we're suddenly all married." Guest Sarah Silverman has written a memoir called "The Bedwetter." Sarah: "I kept a dryary."

Chelsea Handler: "Heather Mills got $24 million for spreading that leg."


Locked Rooms by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2005

Sherlock Holmes and his equally brilliant wife Mary Russell are in San Francisco in the 1920s, solving mystery and murder in her past. (As a child of six she'd been in the 1906 earthquake and fire. At fourteen she was the sole survivor of a car crash that killed her parents and brother.) Mary Russell narrates.

Between the Cuban heels and the curl of hair that barely touched my ears, I resembled a person who cared about fashion.

Not that I'd ever much cared for clowns, nor had I been one for fairy tales: The passivity of that sleeping princess had annoyed me even when I was small.

[At age 14] I spent the rest of the autumn in hospital, and still bore the scars and twinges from my injuries. Worse than the scars, however, was the guilt that started up as soon as consciousness returned -- not just the grinding offense of having survived when they had not, but the burning agony of knowing that I, myself, had been the cause of the accident. That I had distracted my father, by starting a loud and petty argument with my younger brother. That I had killed them, and lived to bear the guilt.

Tuesday, May 4

Strangie to Jon Stewart: "Explosion & the City 2: Great police work. We went from a man leaving a bomb in Times Square to 'You have the right to remain silent' in less time than it takes Sting to climax."

Jon Stewart: "New Orleans is devastated, but at least we still have Nashville. No!" [Clip of flooding in Nashville] "Our great music cities. What's next, Detroit? Oh. Why did God attack New Orleans and Nashville when Philadelphia's just sitting there?"

Stephen Colbert: "They caught the guy who left the bomb in the SUV in Times Square. Now if we could just get that naked cowboy. The bomber came from just where you'd expect, Connecticut."

David Letterman: "They're still investigating how that bomber was able to find a parking place on Broadway. Do you feel secure knowing the only thing between us and terror is an alert T-shirt vendor? This was the biggest bomb on Broadway since 'Peter Pan' starring Kirstie Alley." "BP as in Broken Pipe."

Jay Leno: "They arrested that Times Square bomber. His neighbors had thought he worked on Wall Street. They were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist." Jay showed the terrorist's Facebook page with photos of his friends Osama bin Laden, a bunch of other terrorists, and Danny Bonaduce. "A 72-year-old woman is in love with her 26-year-old grandson, and they're having a baby with a surrogate. His son will be his grandfather." Jay showed a clip of a streaker being tasered on a baseball field. "The police will taser anyone who doesn't belong on the field. More bad news for the Dodgers." "A man in China who's eaten thousands of lightbulbs was arrested for flashing."

Jimmy Fallon: "Six pages of the last episode of 'Lost' have been posted on the internet. British Petroleum said, 'Worst leak ever, right?'" "A bar has turned its second floor into an employment service for Irish immigrants. So far no Irish person has made it past the first floor."

Craig Ferguson: "Today is Star Wars Day, "May the 4th be with you.'" It's a holiday based on a pun, like Spanksgiving. Star Wars Day was announced by that gay robot with the annoying voice." [Showed photo of Mark Hamill.] "The bars in Scotland made the bar in 'Star Wars' look like Chuck E. Cheese." "After 'Dancing with the Stars' Buzz Aldrin said, 'There are no dance schools on the moon.' Evidently."


Locked Rooms by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2005

Sherlock Holmes and his equally brilliant wife Mary Russell are in San Francisco in the 1920s, solving mystery and murder in her past. (As a child of six she'd been in the 1906 earthquake and fire. At fourteen she was the sole survivor of a car crash that killed her parents and brother.) Mary Russell narrates.

[Chinese speaker]: "My father, unlike many men his age, was progressive when it came to money. He put his into a nearby bank that was beginning to take Chinese customers -- the Bank of Italy, it was called. My father was very impressed with the actions of its owner, Mr. Giannini, who went through the fires of hell, very nearly literally, in preserving the savings of his depositors during the days after the earthquake. [Bank of Italy became Bank of America.]

[The American government had passed the Exclusion Act, which allowed no more Chinese into the country.] It took Long a while to find a smuggler who could be trusted with both money and wife, and a while longer for Long's family to locate a bride they could afford for their distant son.

Unwittingly, Long's chin came up and he met the pale eyes as one man to another. "Sir," the tall Westerner said, "I would like to offer you a job." It was the "Sir" more than anything else that clinched the deal.

Wednesday, May 5

Strangie to David Letterman: "It's official. British Petroleum has now put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders."

Stephen Colbert: "This segment is very hard to watch. If you have small children in the room you might leave and have them watch it for you."

David Letterman: "Last night it was as quiet in here as Cinco de Mayo in Arizona. Not like in New York. Here the mayor had them fill the pot holes with salsa." "There was another smoking vehicle in Times Square today. Willie Nelson's tour bus."

Jay Leno: "Happy Cinco de Mayo. Today only, when cops pull you over for drunk driving, they put salt around the rim of the breathalyzer. In Arizona they celebrate the traditional way, in hiding." "Continental is merging with United to form Con Air." "The Times Square bomber's house is in foreclosure. The Taliban doesn't pay very well. He even had to use his own car. If ever a job called for a company car it's car bomber." "British Petroleum is lowering a 98-ton dome over the oil leak. Lowering a dome over oily scum doesn't always work." [Showed a photo of the U.S. Capitol.] "Yesterday was Youth Day in China. Kids only had to work a 15-1/2 hour day."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The Gulf of Mexico now looks like the hot tub on 'Jersey Shore.'" "There may be a flower shortage on Mother's Day. Tiger Woods has bought them all." "The Times Square bomber used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart carefully" "Six months ago Justin Bieber was an ordinary kid, and now he's at the White House with Kim Kardashean, which shows the power of the bowl haircut."

Jimmy Fallon: "12% of parents punish their kids by banning social networking, while the other 78% punish their kids by joining social networking sites."


Locked Rooms by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2005

Sherlock Holmes and his equally brilliant wife Mary Russell are in San Francisco in the 1920s, solving mystery and murder in her past. (As a child of six she'd been in the 1906 earthquake and fire. At fourteen she was the sole survivor of a car crash that killed her parents and brother.) Mary Russell narrates.

As Dee Greenfield turned to the door, she told me, "You won't remember Jeeves, Mary; he's only been with us for two years."
Startled, I looked straight into the black eyes of the butler, seeing in their depths a well-concealed spark of humour. "Jeeves?"
It was she who answered, over her shoulder. "Yes, his name was Robert, but we could hardly have that, could we, it was my husband's name. So I let him choose another and that's what he came up with. Silly, but what can one do"
My involuntary grin fanned the spark of humour for an instant, then he turned to open the ornate wooden door for us. As I went past, I said, 'Carry on, Mr. Jeeves."
The smooth dark skin around the man's mouth twitched briefly, but nothing more.

The American retrieved his wallet, looked at the open hand, and slowly extended his own. "The name's Hammett, Dashiell Hammett. And I guess we might as well have a drink."

"Do you have any reliable contacts among the police?" Hammett laughed. "You haven't been here long enough to hear about our cops. They're the best money can buy."

Thursday, May 6

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "Franklin Roosevelt described our relationship with England as 'Allies with benefits.'"

Jon Stewart: "Pakistani-American Idiot: The Times Square wanna bomber left the keys to his getaway car and his apartment in the bomb car." "Greece's financial crisis threatens to take down all of Western civilization, which they invented. What irony, which they also invented."

Stephen Colbert: "Happy National Day of Prayer, the last day that separates us from the separation of church and state."

David Letterman: "It was so nice today a terrorist tried to blow up a beach ball. It's so hot in Arizona that folks are fanning themselves with their birth certificates." "Tomorrow the Times Square bomber apologizes on the Golf Channel. Now the only ticking time bomb in New York is Naomi Campbell." "Now in New Orleans you can get your catfish blackened even before it's cooked. To cap the oil leak a 98-ton concrete dome is being lowered with giant cranes, same thing they do on a Larry King wedding night."

Jay Leno: "Today was Cinco de DOW Jones. The market dropped so far Goldman Sachs had to let three Congressmen go. Now we have a Greece and oil disaster." "The Arizona boycott could devastate the bolo tie industry. Boycott Arizona products? I can't even find products made in America."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Heidi Montag wants to give her mother plastic surgery for Mother's Day. Good idea. After all, you're the one who has to look at her." "The Reverend George Rekers, the country's most prominent anti-gay activist went to Europe with a young man he hired from rentboy.com. He said he needed him to carry his luggage, so now 'carry my luggage' is a euphemism, like 'hike the Appalachian Trail.'" For April Fools Jimmy had viewers throw water on unsuspecting sleepers and upload the videos to YouTube. For Mother's Day he wants people to give their moms really crappy gifts and then upload the reactions.

Jimmy Fallon: "Tiger Woods is telling friends his marriage is over. There are only so many ways his friends can say, 'No s**t.'" "An NBC employee won $266 million in the lottery. The last NBC employee who got that kind of money was being paid to leave 'The Tonight Show.'" Guest Pete Holmes: "I logged on to Facebook and found, 'Allen is sad and doesn't know if he'll make it through the night.' He put his cry for help on Facebook. I didn't know what to do, so I poked him."

Craig Ferguson: "I'm on the side of anti-gay George Rekers. If going to Europe with a rent boy is a crime, slap the cuffs on me. Tighter. Tighter."


Locked Rooms by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2005

Sherlock Holmes and his equally brilliant wife Mary Russell are in San Francisco in the 1920s, solving mystery and murder in her past. (As a child of six she'd been in the 1906 earthquake and fire. At fourteen she was the sole survivor of a car crash that killed her parents and brother.) Mary Russell narrates.

When we had been shown to a table and had our drinks placed before us, I looked around and realised that the theme was intended to be that of an opium den. A highly romanticised version of an opium den -- I doubted any of the patrons of the establishments I had been inside would recognise any similarity. Instead of a filthy, claustrophobic room littered with equally filthy and near-comatose individuals, this glittering palace was bursting with more energy than a classroom full of eleven-year-old boys.

Miss Belinda Birdsong was a Personality, in the tradition of Lily Langtry and the like.

"Oh, we haven't set a date or got a ring or any of that hooey," she told me. "When we do, Mummy will take over, and it'll be just another rotten boor. We'll probably elope, but right now we're having too much fun. Plenty of time to be respectable when our livers give out."

Friday, May 7

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Yesterday so many guys got screwed on Wall Street they had to rename it Broadway."

Joel McHale on "The Soup": "Lindsay Lohan is playing porn star Linda Lovelace, who died at 53. But who will play the young Linda Lovelace?" "Kendra is suing to stop the release of a sex tape. It was supposed to be a snuff film, but Hef wouldn't cooperate." Showed clip of Tyra pretending she had rabies. "I didn't buy it. I've met rabid dogs, and they're much less self-centered." "MY kid was on the toilet taking a Spencer Pratt."

David Letterman: "In New York something's happening every minute, and most of it goes unprosecuted." "Sunday is the day we honor the woman we blame most of our problems on." Guest Nick Griffin: "I thought I was going to be a big powerful man. Today I used a coupon." On immigration: "We should trade. We'll take the hardworking family from Guatamala and send them the Real Housewives of Orange County. Let those whores sell chiclets awhile."

Jay Leno: "This thing in the Gulf is not the first time they've dropped concrete in water to stop a leak. The mob's been doing it for years."

Jimmy Fallon: "They evacuated Times Square again today for a suspicious package, but it was just the naked cowboy." "They're doing a 'Planet of the Apes' prequel, covering evolution up to the summer they spent at the Jersey Shore."

Craig Ferguson: "For Mother's Day Whitney Houston's kids already have reservations at the Outback Crack House." "Have you seen 'Iron Man 2'? I have a suit that makes me feel invincible: my birthday suit. It even has a helmet. Mickey Rourke plays the bad guy, Whiplash. He can only be defeated by one thing, the personal injury lawyer." Answering e-mails and tweets with guest Steven Wright: "What should I get my 83-year-old grandma for her birthday?" Steven: "A new birth certificate." Guest Seth MacFarlane reporting on seeing Scarlett Johansson at a White House dinner: "The Secret Service guys were wrestling a lot of boners to the ground."

Jeff Dye on Comedy Central: "It's a double standard. If a girl goes out and sleeps with a bunch of guys she's a slut, but if a guy does it he's a homosexual."


Locked Rooms by Laurie R. King, Bantam Books 2005

Sherlock Holmes and his equally brilliant wife Mary Russell are in San Francisco in the 1920s, solving mystery and murder in her past. (As a child of six she'd been in the 1906 earthquake and fire. At fourteen she was the sole survivor of a car crash that killed her parents and brother.) Mary Russell narrates.

"Wait a minute," I broke in. "Are you saying that Belinda Birdsong is a man?"

"Don't like the news?" Hammett asked laconically.
Holmes scowled furiously at the day's Chronicle. "Hammett, If ever you find yourself bound to a literary agent, for God's sake make sure the man isn't utterly barking mad."
"Literary agent?" Hammett asked.
"I cannot get away from the man. I sit peacefully over my poached eggs and toast, wishing only the gentle news of the latest poisoned-chocolate case or Babe Ruth clouting his homer, and who should stare out at me from the pages of a newspaper from a city halfway across the world from my home but Conan Doyle."

[Hammett speaking] "Miss Russell. Don't worry about it. You have remarkably steady hands on a gun."
"For a girl, you mean?"
"For a hand. More people get shot by twitchy fingers than ever get aimed at."

Holmes' face lighted with joy, and as he galloped down the corridor towards the lift he cried, "Come, Russell, the game's afoot!"
Hammett, catching up his coat and walking beside me with more decorum, looked at me askance. "He actually says that?"
"Only to annoy me," I told him, and all but shoved him towards the opening lift door.

Monday, May 10

Strangie to David Letterman: "Early humans mated with Neanderthals. I'm just sorry it didn't work out for Sandra Bullock."

Stephen Colbert: "Greece's economy is in ruins. I thought Greece's economy was ruins."

David Letterman: "How many are here hoping to see Betty White?" "It's so chilly that in Times Square tourists are huddled around smoking SUVs." "Yesterday was Mother's Day. Mom got drunk and admitted she was once Mrs. Larry King." "British Petroleum tried a containment dome. I know you're thinking condom. 800 tons; they had Superman fly the thing in, and it didn't work."

Jay Leno: "The Times Square bomber had been flying all over the world even though he was on the list. I think the government got the 'Don't Fly' list confused with the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' list." "We don't know much about the new Supreme Court nominee, except that during the last 'Twilight' movie she was on Team Jacob." "We now know that we have 5,113 nuclear warheads, 1,000 aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest aimed at Fox News." "British Petroleum acted like a guy with a messy apartment with a girl coming over. Put a box over it and then sit on it. If the oil spill gets any worse they'll have to start drilling for water." "Now the only thing bulging on Tiger Woods is his neck, so that's progress." "Dr. Phil shaved off his mustache on 'Oprah' today. He looked less intelligent after." Jay showed a photo of Dr. Phil with a mustache, and then the "after" photo was Terry Bradshaw. "Tainted lettuce has been recalled in 23 states. Why is it always healthy foods? Did you ever hear of tainted Twinkies?"
Headlines: "Protesters in Greece Leave Ruins in Ruins." "Mom turns in son for stealing drugs from bra." Jay: "We each celebrate Mother's Day in our own way." Grocery ad: "Porn & Beans." "Arctic Circle to Relocate." Schedule at an old folks' home: "Tuesday is 'Who Am I Day.'" Story: "As for sex, teens are active but uniformed." Weather report: "Sunset today 7:20. Sunrise tomorrow None." "Topless clubs given 10 years to shut down."

Jimmy Kimmel: "If your kids aren't thoughtful enough to honor you on Mother's Day, whose fault is that?" "The birth control pill turned 50 today, and 'But I thought you were on the pill' turned 49-1/2." "On Friday our other President, Oprah, was in New York." "Bobby Brown proposed to his girlfriend. It was the first time he went down on one knee without the aid of a police taser in 23 years."

Jimmy Fallon: "In a press conference today Tiger Woods said, 'I might have a bulging disc,' and reporters couldn't stop giggling."

Craig Ferguson: "Backstage they told me, 'Tonight's audience is good-looking, but they're surly.'" "Mel Gibson reportedly cheated on his girlfriend with a Polish porn star. I don't believe it. He'd have cheated with a German porn star." "Britain doesn't have a government. In the U.S. we always know who'd in charge of things, Oprah." "Does my tie have a stain on it? It might, if we had a better lit show. The wardrobe lady, George, he ..." Guest Russell Crowe: "They sacrificed virgins for breakfast. How barbaric, and think of the waste." "We have 700 cows on my ranch, Black Angus." Craig: "Black Angus is there too?" Russell: "He herds the cows."


Death of a Dude by Rex Stout, Bantam Books ©1969

A Nero Wolfe mystery, narrated by his studly assistant Archie Goodwin. Nero Wolfe leaves his New York brownstone and takes his seventh of a ton to a ranch in Montana, to clear up the murder of which Archie's girlfriend Lily Rowan's ranch manager is accused, and which Archie has taken an unpaid leave of absence to solve.

One of the difficulties about Diana was that you were never absolutely sure whether she was playing dumb or was dumb.

The attraction was a big old ramshackle frame building next to Vawter's General Store which had a sign twenty feet long at the edge of the roof, reading: WOODROW STEPANIAN HALL OF CULTURE.

I opened the door and stepped out and said yes, and the rear door of the taxi opened and a man climbed out, backwards. His big broad behind was Nero Wolfe's, and when he straightened up and turned around, so was his big broad front.

Tuesday, May 11

Strangie to Jon Stewart: Jon showed Fox commentators saying the Gulf oil spill is "Obama's Katrina." Jon: "No matter what happens, there's a Bush complete screwup to compare it to."

David Letterman: "British Petroleum went before Congress to be criticized by the guys who approved offshore drilling. BP is trying to spin it. They point out that now when you open a clam the hinge doesn't squeak." "The next issue of 'Playboy' is going to be 3-D. They say it's like having a naked woman in your own home. Uh huh." "Early humans mated with Neanderthals, and you can see the results every week on 'Jersey Shore.'" "Europe is bailing out Greece, which is like the world's brother-in-law. It'll be the biggest check ever written, until Tiger's divorce settlement." "Republicans say Supreme Court nominee Kagan is unseasoned and out of her element. Wait, isn't that Sarah Palin?"

Jay Leno: "The price of oil has dropped $12 a barrel, and if you need a 100-ton concrete dome, there's one listed on eBay for $75. British Petroleum testified before Congress. It was BP meets BS." "They want to cut the public library budget in L.A., which could affect up to nine people." "A Colorado gubernatorial candidate took out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. It didn't work for John McCain." "The first magazine for gay Muslims is being published in the Middle East. It's called 'Run!'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "On tonight's 'Lost' the Smoke Monster fell in love with the BP oil spill." "The June 'Playboy' is going to be in 3-D. The July 'Hustler' will be in VD." "Tiger Woods' swing coach quit today after finding out Tiger had 19 other swing coaches. He resigned by text message, which is like karma dive bombing Tiger."

Jimmy Fallon: "'Playboy' in 3-D is expected to fly off the racks, and the racks will fly out of the magazine. Warning to teens. Your Mom will eventually figure out you're not watching 'Avatar' every time you lock yourself in the bathroom."

Craig Ferguson: "David Cameron is now the most powerful man in Britain, unless you count Madonna." "Tyra Banks will be the first supermodel to write a kids book since Kate Moss did 'Green Eggs and Crack.'" "The Android is outselling the iPhone. I don't know what the Android does, except maybe dance the Robot and be Governor of California. I dropped my first iPhone into my coffee. It ruined the iPhone, and my coffee tasted like porn." "I can't text very well with my big sausagy fingers. I texted my dentist for a root canal and left out the 'c.' It's a way to get a really fast appointment."


Death of a Dude by Rex Stout, Bantam Books ©1969

A Nero Wolfe mystery, narrated by his studly assistant Archie Goodwin. Nero Wolfe leaves his New York brownstone and takes his seventh of a ton to a ranch in Montana, to clear up the murder of which Archie's girlfriend Lily Rowan's ranch manager is accused, and which Archie has taken an unpaid leave of absence to solve.

[On whether they could work together as equals: Nero Wolfe]: "Nonsense. I'm reasonable and so are you."
[Archie]: "Not always, especially you."

Wolfe hung up and turned to me and said, "Get Mr. Jessup," frowned, and added, "if you please." Being my equal was an awful bother.

[Archie]: "So that's what I'll do."
[Wolfe]: "I said no."
A confrontation. Our eyes were meeting. Mine were just the eyes of a friendly equal who knew he had a point so there was no use squabbling, but his were narrowed to slits. He closed them long enough for a couple of good deep breaths, then opened them to normal. "This is the eighth of August," he said. 'Thursday."
"Right."
"Your vacation ended Wednesday, July thirty-first. As you know, I brought a checkbook. Draw a check for your salary for a week and a half, which will cover it to the end of this week and put you on a weekly basis as usual."
I raised one brow, which I often find helpful because he can't do it. There were angles both pro and con. Con, I knew the people and the atmosphere and he didn't; and my taking a leave of absence without pay had been by my decision, not by agreement. Pro, his coming to get me back sooner had been by his decision, not by agreement; and while a grand or two might be of no consequence to him it was to me; and the strain of trying to remember to say please was cramping his style.

Wednesday, May 12

Strangie to Jay Leno: "When Betty White started, celebrity sex tapes were silent. And she was in one of the first talkies."

Jon Stewart: "Clustershag to 10 Downing Street: A transfer of power in one of the most powerful nations in the world isn't official until an 84-year-old collectible-plate model is told the new name. Then the old Prime Minister and his family are kicked out of their home and forced to make a walk of shame in front of the whole world. Why don't they treat their politicians with more respect?" John Oliver: "We have actual royalty for that, which lets us treat our political leaders as the worthless rats they are. And we don't go all gay wedding over the new politician moving in." Lewis Black: "Al Gore is no Hitler. Hitler had charisma."

Stephen Colbert: "'General Hospital' has 18 Daytime Emmy nominations, to which I can only admit I'm pregnant with my twin brother's baby." "There's natural gas coming out of that oil leak hole. That's good news, because it's easy to do a controlled burn of a natural gas release." Stephen demonstrated by lighting a fart, after which he had to be sprayed with a fire extinguisher. "Note to self: Call Rico and cancel waxing appointment." "Claustrophobia, as you know, is the fear of being trapped in a too-small chimney with Santa Claus."

David Letterman: "There's a Toilet Paper Bandit in Nebraska, Osama bin Charmin. Careful, he's armed and squeezable." "'Playboy's' next issue will be in 3-D, though they're claiming 3-Double-D. It's quite a year for Hugh Hefner, though now the only thing they blow on is his soup." "Sarah Palin has a new book coming out in the fall. The warning came from an alert T-shirt vendor." "These days it's easier to get a woman on the Supreme Court than on Ricky Martin." "The Times Square Bomber was driving a Toyota Kaboom. Now only one person is allowed in Times Square at a time."

Jay Leno: "The Geezer Bandit says he'll keep robbing banks until he finds one with money." "The birth control pill is 50. So if you're 51 or older there's a good chance your parents didn't want you." Guest Betty White: "On 'Saturday Night Live' there were all these costume changes. You're in a tiny little space, and somebody's taking your clothes off ..." Jay: "I didn't ask how you got the job."

Jimmy Kimmel: "We have a great show tonight, and I know that because I'm visiting from the future." "'American Idol' is our BP oil spill. No matter what we do, it keeps going on and on." "I don't know what brought Larry King and his wife back together, but I do know the makeup sex must have been disgusting." "British Petroleum says America has its first black President, and now we have our first black ocean."

Jimmy Fallon: "That Times Square bomber was able to get on a plane. He had knives and a gun, but no bottled water or nail clippers." "A guy in Texas had marijuana hidden in a folded up court order from when he was arrested for the same thing before. The sentence was 'Dude, really?'" "Tiger's swing coach quit. It's the first time anyone ever texted Tiger that they wouldn't swing with him anymore."

Craig Ferguson: "Money never sleeps, like Regis never pays." "Woody Allen is at the Cannes Film Festival, because Roman Polanski is in jail. Woody has the field to himself." "No matter how many people it annoys, that Iceland volcano just won't quit. Like Jay Leno." "My job is to use the celebrity of these people to crowbar an old joke into your TV." E-Mail: "Craig, what's the best way to propose to a young lady?" Craig: "In her native language." Guest Bryan Cranston said he has a love scene with Julia Roberts coming up on Monday. Craig: "I don't believe it. Bring me proof. Bring me a tooth."


Death of a Dude by Rex Stout, Bantam Books ©1969

A Nero Wolfe mystery, narrated by his studly assistant Archie Goodwin. Nero Wolfe leaves his New York brownstone and takes his seventh of a ton to a ranch in Montana, to clear up the murder of which Archie's girlfriend Lily Rowan's ranch manager is accused, and which Archie has taken an unpaid leave of absence to solve.

The product was a personality mess that couldn't have been made any worse even by a trained psychoanalyst.

[Lily Rowan bails Archie out of jail.] I opened the car door and said, "You don't look a day older, let alone two days."
She squinted at me. "You do."

[Archie]:"I couldn't ask Dawson what my price tag is," I said, "because I was dressing him down. How much?"
[Lily]: "Does it matter?"
"It does to me. For the record. The lowest so far was five hundred, and the highest thirty grand. What am I worth to the people of the State of Montana?"
"Ten thousand dollars. Dawson said five thousand and Jessup said fifteen and the judge split the difference. They didn't ask me."
"What would you have made it?"
"Fifty million."
"That's the way to talk." I patted her knee.

[After two days in jail, Archie stinks. Lily says,] "Sitting still like this I do seem to notice a slight -- uh -- aroma. Kind of exotic. Will it go?"
"No, it's permanent. Our future contacts will have to be outdoors in a strong wind."

Thursday, May 13

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "It's day 24 of the Gulf Spillapalooza. You know, once a beach goes black, it may never go back."

Jon Stewart: "Oilpocolypse Now: The Containment Dome didn't work. If the Top Hat doesn't work they'll try the Hot Tap, and if that doesn't work, the Junk Shot. I was getting out of a limo when the paparazzi got one of those on me."

Stephen Colbert: "Larry King got back with his wife. I always knew she was the one of the ones."

David Letterman: "The Gulf of Mexico is now known as the Dead Sea." "Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is so smart she actually does read all those newspapers and magazines." "Larry King and his wife have called off the divorce, another win for 'The Marriage Ref.' It's sad when celebrities can't make a divorce work."

Jay Leno: "In Buffalo today a woman walked up to President Obama and said, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' Betty White is out of control." "Breast feeding reduces childhood obesity. You thought you were embarrassed when your mom brought your lunch to school before." "Sean Penn has been sentenced to 300 hours of community service for kicking a paparazzi. I thought that was community service." "At that golf tournament, after Tiger Woods pulled out, out of habit he said, 'You were great. I'll call you.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "It turns out that in space Chinese astronauts ate dog, our first intergalactic stereotype."

Jimmy Fallon: "Vivid Entertainment is doing superhero porn. So far they've done 'Fantastic Fourgasm,' 'XXX-Men' and, of course, 'Batman and Robin.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Jupiter is missing a ring. They should try looking in Uranus."

.

Friday, May 14

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "NBC canceled 'Law & Order' after 20 years to make way for the new Jay Leno show 'Jaw & Order.'"

David Letterman: "Tonight is our season finale. Usually you have a season finale when Jay Leno wants your time slot. 'Lost' is having a series finale. Now they're shooting the sequel, 'Found.' I don't want to give it away, but on 'Lost' everyone dies in an oil spill. British Petroleum lowered an 800-ton containment dome 5,000 feet into the Gulf. The good news, David Blaine escaped." "If Elena Kagan is confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor will no longer be the hottest broad on the Supreme Court." "The Miss USA pageant is coming up. Miss Arizona's talent is spotting illegal aliens, and Miss Louisiana squeegees up oil-soaked ducks." "In the new 'Robin Hood' the story's been updated. The Pope transfers Friar Tuck to a different parish." Guest Mike Myers: "Much of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare." Guest Tom Dreesen: "A bagpiper gets lost and arrives at the funeral an hour late. There are just the workers filling in the hole, but he still plays 'Amazing Grace' with such fervor they all break into tears. After he leaves one worker says, 'I've been digging septic tanks for 20 years, and I've never seen anything like this." "In 1871 baseball players had to start wearing cups. In 1997 they had to start wearing helmets. It took that long for guys to realize the brain is important too."

Jay Leno: "Phoenix will install its first Hispanic Bishop July 20. He'll be deported July 21. One priest was calling for a boycott, unless he was calling for a boy on a cot." "Tar balls are washing up on Gulf beaches. Wasn't Tar Balls Dick Cheney's nickname?" "After seeing her play softball people are asking if Elena Kagan is a lesbian. Not all women who play softball are lesbians, just the ones who're really good at it." "In Russia two people planning to commit suicide met on a bridge, and now they're married. 'There's nothing else to live for, let's get married.'" "Many women said cell phones and other gadgets in the bedroom were ruining their sex lives by distracting their husbands. The other women said they don't need their husbands because of their own gadgets in the bedroom."

Jimmy Fallon, with guest Mick Jagger, devoted the whole show to playing the new documentary "Stones in Exile." See nbc.com for video.

Craig Ferguson: "An 87-year-old woman in Florida was arrested for selling crack, after trying to escape on her Rascal scooter. She was sentenced to 2 months in jail, or as she calls it, life." "Robin Hood robbed from the rich to give to the poor, or as we'd call it today, communism. Glenn Beck would go mad. More mad. "Merry Men' sounds better than a huge pack of gay men. And if they're gay you want them to have huge packs."

Joel McHale on "The Soup": "Tyra is writing a novel about a school for models. The book also has a school for plus-size models called Hogwarts."


A gorgeous gay flight attendant and his sister become embroiled with the gay son of a fabulously wealthy Arab family. Terrorism and intrigue ensue.

Monday, May 17

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin and George Bush both have books coming out this fall. I predict a national shortage of crayons."

David Letterman: "They're siphoning off some of the oil spill with a mile-long hose, the same one they used for Harry Smith's colonoscopy. They're sucking the oil up into a tanker. Unfortunately it's the Exxon Valdez." "When NBC announced their fall schedule they called in an alert T-shirt vendor to warn them of any bombs." "A New York vet prescribed Viagra for a pit bull with a heart condition. That sounds right. I take Viagra for my heart condition. The pit bull is now a pointer." "Miss Michigan is the new Miss USA. John McCain has already named her his next running mate."

Jay Leno: "An Arab American is the new Miss USA. She's hoping this will get her name off the no-fly list." "There's a new car that can run on water, as long as the water comes from the Gulf of Mexico. Have we tried Flomax on the oil spill?" "Eliot Spitzer says he dated Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan, and she is not a lesbian. She wouldn't sleep with another woman, no matter how much he offered to pay her." Headlines: "Cow struck, killed by milk truck." "The pianist will give a short rectal at 2 p.m."

Jimmy Fallon: "At a rally in Arizona Sarah Palin said, 'We're all Arizonans,' to which the illegal aliens in the crowd said, 'We can stay?'" "A woman in Texas shot at a census worker who wouldn't leave. The census worker yelled, 'Is that your only firearm?'" "An animal shelter wants donations to buy Viagra for a dog with a heart problem. Their slogan is, 'Give a Dog a Bone.'"

Craig Ferguson: "A fertility clinic in L.A. lets parents pick their baby's hair and eye color. Remember the old days when you just had your eight babies and went on 'Entertainment Tonight'?" "Bishop Tutu is on the show tonight, and I'm going to ask the Bishop if he always has to move diagonally." "South Africa had Boer War 1 and then Boer War 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold." "Bishop Tutu got world leaders to impose sanctions on South Africa, except for Margaret Thatcher and Darth Vader."


Death Times Three by Rex Stout, Bantam Books 1985

Three Nero Wolfe mysteries, narrated by studly Archie Goodwin.

Since the phone conversation was none of my business, I stood and listened to it.

She looked as if she had been either crying or fighting; with an Irish girl you can't tell.

We had no client and no case and no fee in prospect. But I got a surprise. Instead of being grumpy, he was busy, with the phone book open before him on his desk. He had actually gone clear around to my desk, stooped to get the book, lifted it and carried it back to his chair. Unheard of.

"What time is it?" He would have had to twist his neck a whole quarter turn to look at the wall clock.
I obliged. "Five to four."

Tuesday, May 18

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "It's also Enya's birthday. Not many people know her last name is Face."

David Letterman: "Mayor Bloomberg says those little balconies on high-rise buildings aren't safe. Where am I supposed to take a leak? And where am I supposed to stand to bless my followers?" "An Indiana Congressman had to resign because of a sex scandal. At last I'm not Indiana's biggest embarrassment." "A dog with a heart problem was given Viagra. The side effect is, he can no longer roll over." "Regis is having surgery to remove a blood clot from his leg. In other words, facelift. I visited him in the hospital, and there was his wife Joy leaning over the bed, 'Sign the will.'"

Jay Leno: "Gloria Allred says she was molested by Roman Polanski when she was 16. I don't know which is worse, that or being exploited by Gloria Allred." "That Indiana Congressman said he sinned against God, against his wife, against the kitchen counter, against the bannister ..."The government overseer of offshore drilling has resigned. You know how we found out about it? A leak."

Jimmy Fallon: "Simon Cowell may be knighted by the Queen. It's about time we get to see the Queen getting taken down a notch. 'You call that knighting?'"

Craig Ferguson: "Yesterday was my birthday, and also Bob Saget's birthday. He's older than me. He's 54. Now the Olsen twins have to change his diaper." "When I was 28 I thought cocaine was a food group." "The best thing about getting old is nothing." "Recently one of my childhood buddies was standing in a swaying Paris Metro car. He and this pretty girl were eyeing each other, and then she got up and gave him her seat. And not in the good way."

Roz on "Frazier:" "I'm impressed you're so good at charades." Frazier: "I'm impressed you could mime virgin."


Death Times Three by Rex Stout, Bantam Books 1985

Three Nero Wolfe mysteries, narrated by studly Archie Goodwin.

Granting that women can't stay young and beautiful forever, that the years are bound to show, at least they don't have to let their gray hair straggle over their ears or wear a coat with a button missing or forget to wash their face, and this specimen was guilty on all three counts. So, as she put a finger to the button and the bell rang, I opened the door and told her, "I don't want any, thanks. Try next door." I admit it was rude.
"You would have once, Buster," she said. "Thirty years ago I was a real treat."
That didn't help matters any. I have conceded that the years are bound to show.
"I want to see Nero Wolfe," she said. "Do I walk right through you?"

A notion struck me. Wolfe believes, or claims he does, that any time I talk him into seeing a female would-be client he knows exactly what to expect if and when he sees her, and this would show him how wrong he was.

"Keep this for me, Buster," she said. "Some nosy copy might take it on himself. Come on, it won't bite. And don't open it. Can I trust you not to open it?"
I took it because I liked her. She had fine instincts and no sense at all.

Wednesday, May 19

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "Unattractive defendants are 22% more likely to be convicted than attractive ones. But attractive ones have more trouble after they're convicted."

David Letterman: "I don't want to spoil the 'Lost' finale for you, but their luggage turns up. I'll be watching the finale with Oprah and Jay." "'Ghost Whisperer' has been canceled. She runs errands for dead people. This week she finds a job for Arlen Specter." "Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. That'll be a switch, somebody paying him for an hour." "The Times Square Bomber was so inept, instead of 72 virgins he's getting one 72-year-old virgin." "I'm tired of this oil leak. Call me when there's a gin leak. The only good thing is that now, when you fry a fish, it doesn't stick to the pan." "For the blood clot in his leg they wheeled Regis into the operating room on a gurney, and the procedure took four hours, same as when they put on his make-up. Regis can't tip because of a blood clot in his wallet."

Jay Leno: "Larry King and his wife are back together under a new deal. During sex she no longer has to yell, 'King me!' and he has to wear a sign that says, 'Do not resuscitate.'" "In India they're hiring eunuchs to be bodyguards for politicians, but there's strict psychological screening. They don't want any nuts." "Do you know where an 82-year-old woman hides cocaine? Depends."

Jimmy Kimmel: "This is the absolute truth. Justin Bieber has been nominated for a BET Award. That's what happens when you let Stevie Wonder pick the nominees." Jimmy interviewed black people in South Central."

Jimmy Fallon: "Last night a referee threw a basketball at an obnoxious fan. On the plus side, I got a free basketball." `

Craig Ferguson: "I can't believe that yesterday I forgot International Museum Day. That's like Woody Allen forgetting Take Your Daughter to Work Day. Before museums, if you wanted to see dogs playing poker you had to train them yourself". "The Mona Lisa is much smaller than you'd think, like Ryan Seacrest. Museums won't let you touch the stuff, like strip clubs."


Bite Me by Christopher Moore, William Morrow 2010

The continuing saga of vampires in San Francisco, this time vampire cats as well as humans. Wonderful! Told by teen goth girl Abby Normal

Foo keeps insisting that he can't be a ninja because he's Chinese and ninjas are Japanese, but he's just being stubborn and goes all Angry, Angry Asian on me whenever I bring it up.

You should know right now, there's no yawning, gentle drift into sleepytime for vampyres. When the sun breaks the horizon, they drop rag-doll dead on the spot, and you can pose them, paint them, put their hands on their junk and post the pics on the Web, and they won't know a thing until sundown when they come on like a light and they're wondering why their naughty bits are green and their inbox is full of propositions from elfin_love.com.

... he used to sit on Market Street with Chet and a sign that said, I AM POOR AND MY CAT IS HUGE.

And she and my Dark Lord Flood meet us for coffee at this Chinese diner, which is like the only thing open because the Chinese totally blow off Christmas because there are no dragons or firecrackers in the story.

His basement lair is sacrosanct -- his father and stepmother are afraid that they might walk in on him wanking to gay porn.

Thursday, May 20

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Family values Indiana Representative Mark Souder used to take a member of his staff to state parks for sex, what Republicans mean by 'opening up public lands for drilling.'"

David Letterman: "It was so beautiful today I went to the beach to watch for the first tar ball. Today my tartar sauce was 80% tar." "While they were operating on Regis's leg they took out some shrapnel he'd picked up at Gettysburg." "The Times Square Bomber is charged with domestic terrorism and illegal parking on Broadway."

Jay Leno: "The Mexican President said he and President Obama each preside over 40 million Mexican people." "The hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan will start June 28, after softball season is over." "What's the difference between a judge and a moviegoer? A judge actually wants to see Lindsay Lohan. And people said Lindsay couldn't get arrested in this town."

Jimmy Kimmel: ""On the 'Grey's Anatomy' season finale they had an outbreak of Bieber fever, and it wasn't pretty." "The BP oil spill is one month old today, and it still isn't potty trained. Kevin Costner has spent $24 million developing a centrifuge to separate oil and water. How great would it be if Kevin Costner stopped the spill!" "I think we should let France keep Lindsay Lohan, in exchange for the Statue of Liberty."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Chief of Protocol slipped on the stairs at a White House dinner. It was such a nasty spill BP showed up to put a top hat on her." "Kate Gosselin will return for the season finale of 'Dancing with the Stars.' She'll dance to two songs, the one that's actually playing and the completely different one in her head." "Is it odd that Congress is talking about the drug problem in a joint session?" "There's a new social networking site for kids 6 to 12 called Togetherville, because ToCatchAPredatorville was just too long."

Craig Ferguson: "Archeologists have found a 30,000-year-old stone dildo." (Showed a photo of Hugh Hefner.)


Bite Me by Christopher Moore, William Morrow 2010

The continuing saga of vampires in San Francisco, this time vampire cats as well as humans. Wonderful! Told by teen goth girl Abby Normal

I'd have done him right there in the car if I was not trying to maintain my detached aura of aristocratic chill. So instead I kissed him within an inch of his life, and then slapped him so he didn't think I was his personal slut, which I totally was. Would be.

The vampyre Flood is all fucked up from trying to climb face-down a building in the Castro after a delicious drag queen, like Dracula does in the book (only in the book it's not in the Castro and Dracula isn't after a drag queen).

When he first arrived in San Francisco, Tommy Flood had shared a closet-size room with five Chinese men named Wong, all of whom had wanted to marry him.

Much of the time Foo had no idea what Abby was talking about, but he had learned if he was patient, and listened, and more important, agreed with her, she would mercilessly sex him up, which he liked quite a bit, and occasionally he got the message. He used the same strategy with his maternal grandmother (without the sexing-up part), who spoke an obscure, country dialect of Cantonese, that sounded to the uninitiated like someone beating a chicken to death with a banjo. Just wait, and all would become clear.

Friday, May 21

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "The BP president said the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car's fine.'"

David Letterman: "Remember, every Friday from now until Labor Day is clothing optional in the subway." "Kids are already at the beach building tar castles." "It's the 85th anniversary of Charles Lindbergh's flight across the Atlantic. He had a sandwich and a jar to pee in. Today we call that Jet Blue." "If Elena Kagan isn't confirmed for the Supreme Court, the back-up nominee, of course, is Betty White."

Jay Leno: "The stock market is so bad even John Edwards is pulling out."

Jimmy Kimmel: "After Sunday, 'Lost' will go back to being what happens to the Clippers." "Some Senators didn't want to put a cap on ATM fees because they'd never used an ATM. S&Ms, yes. They have mobile money machines called lobbyists."

Jimmy Fallon: "Jesse James said he was the most hated man in the world, and the president of BP said, 'Don't flatter yourself.'" "Joe Jonas is releasing a solo album of his own songs. If you squealed at that, it's past your bedtime, young man." "The Octomom has a sign in her front yard asking people to spay or neuter their pets. That's like BP saying don't pee in the pool."

Craig Ferguson: "The comic strip 'Little Orphan Annie' has been canceled after 86 years. The good news, she's been adopted. The bad news, by Roman Polanski."


Bite Me by Christopher Moore, William Morrow 2010

The continuing saga of vampires in San Francisco, this time vampire cats as well as humans. Wonderful! Told by teen goth girl Abby Normal

"I don't see a crime," said Nick Cavuto, Rivera's partner, who, if he'd been a flavor of ice cream, would have been Gay Linebacker Crunch.

'Kayso, then I stared into the dark abyss that is the meaninglessness of human existence, because there was nothing on cable.

Cavuto said, "You know, if I'd had Abby there around when I came out to my dad, I think he would have understood a lot more why I like guys."

"Nick, in all our time as partners, have I ever indicated that I wanted to discuss your sexuality?"
"Well, not beyond using it to threaten suspects."

The Vampire Parrots of Telegraph Hill

Jared was six foot two, very thin, and paler than Death shagging a snowman.

For each day's funniest zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

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