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Strange de Jim picks America's Top Zingers

May 2009

Created by our top Zingermasters, delivered by our TV friends

 

May wins: Leno 9, Letterman 4, Ferguson 4, Colbert 2, Kimmel 1, Stewart 1

May 1 winner: Jay Leno: "Justice Souter is retiring. Let's just hope the President is better at picking a Justice than the Justices were at picking a President."

May 4 winner: Jay Leno: "Did you watch the Kentucky Derby? I haven't seen a three-year-old run that fast since they opened the gates at Neverland Ranch."

May 5 winner: Craig Ferguson: "In a 'Playboy' interview Shia LaBeouf said his mother is the sexiest woman he knows, and he wishes he could marry her. He's really counting on the fact that no one reads 'Playboy' articles."

May 6 winner: Jay Leno: "Maine is the fifth state to legalize gay marriage, and ten more states have admitted to being bi-curious."

May 7 winner: Dave Letterman: "Subway fares in New York are going up to $2.25, but where else for that price can you get a live sex show?"

May 8 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "Miss California said marriage is for a man and a woman, and we shouldn't try to second-guess God. Except about breast size."

May 11 winner: Stephen Colbert: "If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear ... my illegal logging operation succeeds."

May 12 winner: Stephen Colbert: "The Vatican was going to ban 'Angels & Demons,' the 'Da Vinci Code' sequel. They banned 'The Da Vinci Code,' and it only made, what, $600 billion? That ban wasn't just effective, it was rhythm method effective."

May 13 winner: Craig Ferguson: "Sissy, it's one of those names where you don't know if it's a boy or a girl."

May 14 winner: Jon Stewart: "An Arabic translator has been dismissed from the Army for being gay. So we keep secrets, torture, spy on our citizens, but the one line we will not cross is 'A Chorus Line.' We waterboard a guy and make him talk, but the guy who can understand what he says has a boyfriend."

May 15 winner: Dave Letterman to guest John Goodman: "It also says in the article that you've given up drinking." John Goodman: "What!?"

May 18 winner: Craig Ferguson: "I think you SHOULD get bitter as you grow older. Shows you're paying attention."

May 19 winner: Jane Fonda: "Whenever I catch a big fish I always think of you, and I don't remember why." Dave Letterman: "Thank you, and I think we both know why."

May 20 winner: Jay Leno: "When asked if English should be our official language, 85% said, 'Si.'"

May 21 winner: Dave Letterman: Top ten things servicemen learned in New York during Fleet Week: "1. Not everyone in a dress is a woman."

May 22 winner: Jay Leno: "One in seven of those released from Guantanamo has gone back to terrorism. The other six are in customer service."

May 25 winner: Jay Leno best Headlines over the years: "Say aaah! Bush to go in for colonoscopy."

May 26 winner: Craig Ferguson: "There's a sex museum in Amsterdam. I hope that's where they set 'Night at the Museum 3.' I've been to the Brazilian Wax Museum. It used to be a forest."

May 27 winner: Jay Leno guest Dame Edna: "I stay with the Queen when I'm in London. She has a wonderful sense of humor. It doesn't come across on the coins."

May 28 winner: Jay Leno: "Now you can get matched up with a hooker on eWhoremony."

May 29 winner: Jay Leno ended his 17 years on "The Tonight Show" by having onstage all 68 kids born to pairs of staffers over the run of the show. Plus, "I was cleaning out my desk today and found O.J.'s knife!"

May 1

Joel McHale of "The Soup": "At Heidi and Spencer's wedding the Devil was a no-show. He had to take care of some business in Mexico."

Jay Leno: "The economy's so bad Wolverine is moonlighting doing circumcisions." "Miss California says homosexuality is a choice that develops over time, like stupidity." "In these new G-rated Amish romance novels the only thing erected is a barn." "A police chief in Ohio was arrested for masturbating in a parked car. That's what happens when you take the law into your own hands." "A couple in England got married while running a marathon. Then he finished WAY ahead of her."

Dave Letterman: "I had to take my cousin to my prom. I don't know who was more embarrassed, him or me." "Crime is way down in New York. It's been months since I've had to cut my way out of a sack and swim to shore." "Hugh Jackman is Wolverine. Do you find it hard to take seriously a superhero who hosted the Tony Awards? In the movie we learn all about his origins. For instance, he started in the mail room." "The Kentucky Derby is the most exciting two minutes in sports. That and an Alex Rodriguez blood test. The Derby winner usually gets put out to stud. It's the same as being Governor of New York." "'American Idol' judge Paula Abdul says this will be her last season under contract. Also her last season under a contestant." Guest Jim Norton: "My girlfriend is ultra-ultraliberal, which I guess is normal for an eighteen-year-old." "In New York on a scale of physical shape for men it goes Ryker's Island prisoners and gay men."

Craig Ferguson: "On May Day they used to sacrifice a virgin. April 30 must have been a great day for a guy to get lucky." "Mel Gibson went to the 'Wolverine' premiere with his girlfriend. I don't think he understands the concept good p.r." "The Marilyn Monroe impersonator is actually a woman. I found that out the hard way."

May 4

Dave Letterman: "Did you watch the Kentucky Derby? Mind That Bird is a gelding, like me since the wedding." "Chloris Leachman, 83 today. She celebrated by releasing her sex tape with Regis." "Justice David Souter is resigning. He's described as a loner who's against marriage. It's like I have a twin. People are wondering whether Obama will pick a man or a woman. It's the same with Lindsay Lohan. He may pick Hillary Clinton to fill the post, if she can make the transition from pants suits to robes."

Stephen Colbert: "One assumes Justice Souter is resigning because he wants to spend more time judging his family."

Jay Leno: "On 'Sesame Street' Miss Piggy got the bird flu and Big Bird caught the swine flu." "Obama said students mustn't be ashamed of being intelligent. Bush gave the rebuttal." "The Supreme Court appointment is for life. The only other lifetime job is apologizing for Joe Biden." "The Army is now recruiting on Facebook. Their new slogan is 'Be all you can BFF.'" "'Star Trek' is the new never-had-a-date movie." "Scientists have developed a patch that makes older women want more sex. Madonna put one on and exploded." Headlines: Ad for "glazed dognuts." Ad for "previously handled corn dogs." Guest Kathleen Madigan: "The U.S. Army is building up the Afghani infrastructure. Next we should invade Detroit." "Illegal immigrants? We don't need new laws or a wall. Make it a reality show where people can be voted off. 'Leaving us this week, she has eight new babies and six more kids ...'"

Jimmy Fallon: "The Kentucky Derby winner was a 50-to-1 longshot. If you put $1,000 on Mind That Bird ... you have a serious gambling problem." "A Radio Shack employee hit a customer trying to return something. He was charged with assault, but because it was Radio Shack, battery was not included."

Willie Barcena on Comedy Central: "You live with a woman a long time, and the family starts putting pressure on you. 'Hey, Dad, when're you gonna marry Mom?'"

May 5

Dave Letterman: "You can tell it's Cinco de Mayo. All the potholes are full of guacamole. The hookers in Times Square, today only, free nachos." "Regis threw out the first pitch at a Marlins game. A few years ago he threw out Kathy Lee. Afterwards Regis tested positive for PoliGrip." "A-Rod has been sent to the minor leagues to rehab his hip, and yesterday he hit a home run. It's the first time he's gone deep since Madonna."

Jon Stewart: "Chrysler will be run by Fiat, from the country that with the help of Hitler fought Ethiopia to a draw."

Jay Leno: "Scientists can't explain how swine flu was transmitted from a farmer to his pigs. And neither can the farmer." "A female porn star is thinking of running for the Senate, sort of a lateral move." "Obama says he's going to detect and prosecute tax evaders. In the first hundred days he detected and nominated them." "A new book says Joe DiMaggio had sex with the most famous women of the 1950s, including Madonna." "Simon Cowell says he might be leaving 'American Idol' when his contract is up. Not his contract with 'American Idol,' his contract with Satan."

Chelsea Handler: The title of a story about the world's smallest actor, from India, was "Slum Dwarf Millionaire."

Craig Ferguson: "President Obama may choose a new Supreme Court Justice by the end of the week. It took him ten times that long to pick a dog." "You must never mix up she-males and trannies. I once mixed up she-males and trannies. Best damn night of my life." "If I eat too much Mexican food on Cinco de Mayo, tomorrow will be Stinco de Mayo."

Jimmy Fallon: "A man in Pennsylvania broke into a house and spread pudding everywhere. That Bill Cosby has lost his mind." "A study shows that obese children are more likely to develop allergies. But not food allergies."

May 6

Jon Stewart: Title: "Trouble in Pakistan: Nuke Kids on the Block."

Dave Letterman: "Subway fare is going to $2.25, but that includes aroma therapy and full body massage." "Tony Awards are coming up. The Jets and the Sharks from 'West Side Story' were nominated for Best Gay Street Gang. We were nominated for Biggest Waste of a Broadway Theater." "A man was arrested for smuggling 14 birds in his pants. A flight attendant heard the pants cooing and chirping and thought perhaps he'd found Mr. Right." "President Obama took Joe Biden out for a hamburger. The last President to sneak out of the White House for cheap meat ..."

Jay Leno: "So hot today I was sweating like John Edwards waiting for his wife to go on 'Oprah.' John Edwards is now looking for a third America to hide out in." "You can't get swine flu from twittering a pig -- diddling a pig, yes." "Joe the Plumber said he wouldn't let gay people around any of his children. Have we found a husband for Miss California?" "The economy's so bad my Rice Chex bounced."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Bristol Palin is telling high school kids how to avoid getting pregnant. The way I kept from getting a girl pregnant was by looking like this." Showed his high school photo.

Jimmy Fallon: "The President and Vice President went to a burger joint today. Obama ordered a cheeseburger, and Biden ordered whatever came with a toy." "On this day in 1937 the Hindenburg exploded over New Jersey. At least they didn't have to land in New Jersey. Too soon?" Jimmy spoke at a dinner with Michelle Obama in the audience and told the audience that because of her impressive biceps he saw her as a superhero fighting her archenemy Sleeves.

Craig Ferguson: "Maine legalized gay marriage. They became comfortable with the idea after all those years of touching Canada." "A man has been arrested for smuggling birds in his pants. I hope they weren't the kind that eat worms. Or berries." "It turns out Miss California once posed nude, so she may be stripped of her title." Craig asked guest Diego Luna who was the better kisser, Sean Penn in 'Milk' or Gael Garcia Bernal in 'Y tu mama tambien.' Diego said, "Tom Hanks, but that was behind the camera every morning."

May 7

Jon Stewart: "Gaywatch: Maine legalized gay marriage. It's a shame Bartles and James didn't live to see this. Now in New England Rhode Island is the only state in which you can't get there from queer. And the District of Columbia City Council unanimously passed gay marriage, except for Marion Berry, shown here smoking crack in a hotel room with a woman not his wife. He said he voted no because he's a moral man. Ordinarily when you find someone so oblivious to his own situation you say, 'What? Is he on crack or something?'"

Jay Leno: "Paula Abdul performed on 'American Idol' last night. Simon Cowell pretends he doesn't like her, but look at this." He showed Paula singing and then cut to Simon's shirt where his nipples were springing out. " "Kirstie Alley has gained back 83 pounds, from eating cake at Brett Favre retirement parties." "A man in Pennsylvania had the first double hand transplant. What happens when he goes to a palm reader?" "There's a beauty pageant in Saudi Arabia for moral Muslim women. There was a scandal when a photo surfaced of last year's winner driving a car." "Sarah Palin's daughter's baby father has published a book: 'I Couldn't Keep My Johnson in My Levi's' by Levi Johnson." Guest Adam Sandler revealed that Jay was born with both male and female genitalia, so his parents had to make a choice. "And they chose neither." Then they talked about Adam's two kids and he told Jay, "You could have had a child if your parents had made a different choice."

Dave Letterman: "Kiefer Sutherland head-butted a guy. The only place you see head-butting these days is on 'The View.'" "Alex Rodriguez is returning to the Yankees tomorrow, so I'll no longer be the most overpriced disappointment in New York." "You can tell the economy's getting a little bit better. I saw Donald Trump today, and that thing on his head was wagging." Dave to guest Norm Macdonald: "You once told me watching the birth of your son was the most exciting moment of your life. Until what?" Norm: "I tried crystal meth." Dave: "No, you said until you went hang-gliding." Norm: "oh yeah."

Jimmy Fallon: "A Saudi Arabian beauty pageant opens next week, very controversial. Some of the contestants show way too much eye."

Craig Ferguson: "Manny Ramirez of the Dodgers tested positive for a drug used for sexual enhancement. Evidently he couldn't get to third base on his own." "I think it's OK to have similar shows, like 'Wife Swap' and 'Trading Places,' or like 'The View' and 'When Animals Attack.'" "I tried to launch my own fashion line, but no one was interested in Craig's Assless Casuals."

"My Name Is Earl:" Patty the daytime hooker was telling Geraldo about Ernie the bar owner who'd disappeared: "Ernie was a gentleman. Once I was performing a sexual act on him and it started to rain, so he pulled out his shirt and held it over me so my hair wouldn't get wet. I felt a little bit like a Princess."

"30 Rock:" Jack finds out that his father is a man played by Alan Alda. As soon as Jack tells him he's his son the man hugs him with joy, because, "I need a kidney."

May 8

Dave Letterman: "You spend $200,000 to put your kid through college so he can listen to a commencement address by Joe the Plumber. My speaker's message was never to register to vote, because you'd just get called up for jury duty." "For the new 'Star Trek' movie the Hello Deli next door has set the meat loaf to 'stun.' And the Statue of Liberty has pointy ears." "On this date in 2181 B.C. the chair was introduced. I'm sorry, that was Cher." "Mother's Day is Sunday. I haven't talked to my mother in three months. Thank God for caller i.d. Every year Mom tells me the things she could have done if I hadn't come along."
Top 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Mom:
I don't have a favorite child, but I do have a least favorite
Could you make my Mother's Day gift out to "cash"?
I'm not angry at the way you turned out, I'm just disappointed.
Get off my property or I'll call the cops.
You were so much cuter when we dressed you as a girl.
Don't just marry the first girl you live with for twenty-three years.
Why can't you have a show at ten o'clock?

Jay Leno: "So many athletes are failing, maybe those drug tests are just too hard." "John Edwards says he and his wife are getting to a better place. Actually she's getting a better place, and he's moving into a much smaller place." "The panic alarm in Cher's mansion went off by mistake. Within three minutes fifteen plastic surgeons had shown up." "The octomom says she'll have no more kids. That's closing the barn door after the fourteen horses have escaped." "Did you read about the first double hand transplant. Afterwards if you touch yourself with those hands, are you gay?" To guest Jamie Lee Curtis: "So tell me about your dance. Is it lap or pole?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "The best Mother's Day gift you can give Mom is to move out of her basement. The octomom's kids chipped in and got her a tie. For her tubes. President Obama is giving Michelle that Somali pirate." "We can now get in the Statue of Liberty's crown again. She lost her crown for posing topless."

Jimmy Fallon: "Sunday is Mother's Day, or as the octomom calls it, Christmas." "The Statue of Liberty's crown is open again. Now you can touch Air Force One as it flies by." "One of the last 'Wizard of Oz' munchkins died, just short of his 90th birthday." "Dolly Parton was awarded an honorary degree, a Ph-double-D." Guest Joan Rivers bitched about the cheap gift she found in the green room: "I'll give it to some poor blind person." "When people visit my house for dinner and ask if they can help with anything I always say, 'Could you change Grandma?'"

Craig Ferguson: "There should be a reality show of Jedi fans vs. Trekkies. It'd be 'America's Top Virgin.'"

Joe McHale on "The Soup" showed a clip of the show where they put a bully in the ring with a professional fighter to teach him a lesson. The bully threw up. Joel: "Careful, bully, professional fighters can smell fear." Another reality show had some heavy ladies fighting over car keys. Joel: "Forget it, ladies. All of you could stand to walk someplace."

Christian Finnegan on Comedy Central: "Tonight I want us to share something exciting and real, and then pretend it never happened." "I'm married. Sorry, fellows. The minute I saw her I said, 'This is the woman I want to spend the next four to seven years with.'" "Chihuahuas make you question both evolution AND intelligent design. They make no sense either way. You can skip through a dandelion field licking a penis-shaped lollipop and not feel a third as gay as waking up to find you're spooning a chihuahua." "I saw a 75-year-old man wearing a tee that read, 'Certified Muff Diver.' I could see him getting certified. He got his learner's permit, for six months could only do it in the presence of an adult. Then he had to pass his orals."

May 11

Seth Meyers on "SNL:" "How did a fertility drug make Manny Ramirez a better ballplayer? [Showed a photo] That's not his bat." "Maine has legalized gay marriage. It's the best news for gays in Maine since L.L. Bean introduced assless duck waders." "A man smuggling birds in his pants was caught when police noticed him twittering without a Blackberry."

"Big Bang Theory:" "I'm a Hindu. We're rewarded for suffering in this life. Three months in an igloo with Sheldon and I'll be reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings."

Jon Stewart introduced a new segment about Cheney: "Excuse Me, Your Dick Is Out."

Dave Letterman: "To me Mother's Day is just a drill, something to get through before FATHER'S DAY! I took Mom out to lunch, and before the end of the meal she went nuts and head-butted the waiter." "Price of a stamp is going up. It's outrageous. I was so upset when I heard about it I head-butted my mailman. On the other hand I hope it'll cut down on my hate mail." "President Obama was so funny at the White House Correspondents Dinner that NBC has offered him the 10 pm spot. After the speech Obama was all excited, and he head-butted Rush Limbaugh." "Manny Ramirez tested positive for a female fertility drug, but good news, he's expecting twins." "The octomom went to the doctor and had a thing done, and now she can't have any more kids. I thought, well, they nipped that in the bud. And then she head-butted the doctor. The octomom's done at 14, so if Angelina Jolie stays healthy she has a shot at the record." "Joan Rivers won 'Celebrity Apprentice' and got $250,000 for her favorite charity, Facelifts on Wheels. There was a catfight between Joan and the other finalist, and it got so bad that thing on Donald Trump's head arched its back and hissed. And then Trump had to head-butt it." "They've opened up the Statue of Liberty's crown again, but only 250 visitors a day will be allowed inside. It's the same rule as Madonna." Guest Tom Hanks: "You got a cranky neighbor in your neighborhood?" Dave: "I AM the cranky neighbor."

Jay Leno: "Obama did so well with his funny speech that the network's going to give him 9:00." "Our Governor wants to legalize marijuana. His slogan is 'Yes We Cannabis.'" "Saudi Arabia had its first beauty contest. One contestant caused a stir when she said marriage should be between a man and only one woman." "A kid in a Pennsylvania Christian college was expelled when it came out that he'd appeared in gay porn to earn tuition money. He fondled Peter to pay Paul." "Kids are climbing out of their parents' basements to see the new 'Star Trek.' Many are calling in sick with so-called 'Star Trek' flu. One good thing, it's not sexually transmitted." Headlines: An invitation to a "Wedding Reversal Dinner."

Jimmy Fallon: "Joan Rivers accused her 'Celebrity Apprentice' rival of being two-faced, which is still eight fewer than Joan." "Amy Winehouse had to cancel an outdoor gig because of rain. Usually she has to cancel due to snow."

Craig Ferguson: "I went to a silent art auction where you see a piece you like and you write down your name and how much you bid. By the end of the evening Conan O'Brien had bought a lot of art." Guest Henry Winkler revealed he's a car thief. "You don't just get a car. You also get all the change in the cupholder, and if you're lucky, a free baby." Guest Steven Wright: "The guy who posed for this picture had wooden legs but real feet." "I went fishing once with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line, caught every other fish." "These aren't my clothes. It's what I get for just grabbing the first bag off the carousel."

May 12

Dave Letterman: "The oldest woman in the world, 130 years old, passed away. She's survived by her husband, Ashton Kutcher. And I guess that now moves Katie Couric up to the top of the list." "So Donald Trump is going through the naked pictures of Miss California, and that thing on his head is panting. Three years ago, Miss USA drinking. This year, naked photographs. Why can't we have both?" "President Obama was hilarious at the White House Correspondents Dinner, and I found it very annoying. I sure as hell couldn't do his job, so why doesn't he leave mine alone? Joe Biden was funny too. Not shoot-your-buddy-in-the-face funny, but still pretty good. Dick Cheney said Obama went too far. Too far like in waterboarding a guy 183 times?" "A stripper says she and another woman had a 3-way with Michael Phelps. What's surprising is that he only got the bronze."

Jay Leno: "Miss California is keeping her crown. Whew, we are no longer rudderless. She says she's a model and a Christian. Is that the right order? About the nude pictures she said the wind blew her top. She didn't notice this gale-force wind, blowing in one ear and out the other?" "John Edwards' wife has a new book, and he has one too, 'Cheating for Dummies.'" "A priest has admitted he slept with a woman for two years. A woman! The Vatican has booked him on 'The Today Show,' 'The View,' etc." "A mailwoman was arrested for selling meth along her route. Authorities became suspicious when her mail was being delivered correctly and on time." "Japan is using a robot as a substitute teacher." [Showed clip of robot having sex with a student.] " "Manny Ramirez was suspended for using a female fertility drug. We call it a suspension. He calls it maternity leave." Guest Dennis Miller on Obama chastising Joe Biden: "Can you tear someone who is one a new one?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Donald Trump says Miss California can keep her crown. And who better to judge what someone can wear on their head? And can you blame her for being against gay marriage? Even Obama isn't for it. And Trump believes in serial marriage to progressively younger women."

Jimmy Fallon: "On 'The Simpsons' 20th anniversary baby Maggie spoke her first complete sentence. Hell, Paula Abdul is 46, and she still hasn't." "Shirley Jones says she may pose nude for 'Playboy' at age 75. She says she wants to let it all hang down."

Craig Ferguson: "Miss California blamed her topless photos on the wind. I know, the wind often blows my pants right off. People are still upset about her views on gay marriage. Why? Who cares about the opinion of someone whose main talent is looking good in a bikini? Something we have in common."

May 13

Jon Stewart: Title of Pope's Middle East trip report: "Roadus Triptum: Benny and the Jews." Jon: "Israel gave the Pope a sheaf of a type of wheat named in his honor. He said, 'You know my house is gold, don't you? Micheleangelo was my decorator. Thanks for the wheat.' The Pope used a Yiddish phrase in his speech, and a rabbi complained it wasn't the right Yiddish phrase. So now he's accused of being antisemantic? He did make the occasional Pope bloopers, or Ploopers."

Stephen Colbert: "The government has a new plan for health care. I hope it's sneaking patients across the border into Canada."

Jay Leno: "Whew, stock prices are falling like Miss California's top. The Miss USA contract says if you've posed nude or topless you lose your crown. That's the same reason I lost this job." Jay showed a clip of Miss California's press conference in which she said she didn't know who leaked the racy photos. Then we saw Jay and bandleader Kevin in the audience bumping fists. "The Saudi Arabia beauty contest also had a topless scandal. You could see her whole forehead." "Our Governor wants to legalize marijuana. He calls it 'change we can breathe in.'" "A Catholic priest in Miami has admitted he had a three-year affair. How does a priest hit on a woman? 'Hey, baby, how'd you like to give up something for Lent?'" "Shirley Jones, the mother on the 'Partridge Family,' says she wants to pose nude for 'Playboy' at 75. Come on, isn't Danny Bonaduce messed up enough?" John McCain's 97-year-old mother was a guest and said, "John was the sweetest child ever." Jay: "What happened?"

Jimmy Fallon: "Over 160,000 Indians set the world record for biggest choir, and also, inadvertently, the record for largest gathering of tech support." "Harrison Ford proposed to Calista Flockhart. He got down on one knee and slipped the ring around her waist."

Craig Ferguson: "Miss California turned 22 today, even though her boobies are only 6 months." "The White House had a poetry slam. One guy got up there and rambled on and made no sense. Then Joe Biden sat down, and they had a poetry slam. In Del Ray, Florida, I was in this coffeehouse, and all of a sudden they had this lesbian poetry slam, and it was fabulous! I think I may be a lesbian." "If this show doesn't put you to sleep I wish you luck with your crystal meth addiction." Guest Paula Poundstone: "Raising three kids makes me have sympathy for Joan Crawford. My guess is she said, 'No more wire hangers,' several times nicely first."

George Lopez on Oprah: "People say, 'You must have to be real nice to your wife now that she's given you a kidney.' Not as nice as I had to be before."

Dave Letterman: "The Pope has appointed a new Vice Pope to take care of Rome while he's in the Middle East." Dave showed a picture of Dick Cheney in robes saying, "Let's waterboard some heretics!" Guest Robin Williams had open-heart surgery where they installed a cow valve. "The grazing is great, and I give a great pint of cream. The only trouble with the new valve is that if somebody uses the remote you fart."

Jimmy Kimmel: "When 'American Idol' is finally over do you feel like a kidnap victim who's just been released?" "The FDA says General Mills has to quit advertising that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol and increases your penis size."

May 14

Dave Letterman: "Last night was the big 'Lost' season finale. A guy finds one of those GPS things. It's all over. They're found." "The Feds have been going through Bernie Madoff's credit card receipts. They found that in one week he spent $100.000 at a bait store. Sure, that's how he lured the investors." "A guy took off all his clothes and ran across the field at the old Shea Stadium and slid into second base. I was watching at home and yelled, 'Get some help, Regis!'" "Does the name Evil Dick Cheney ring a bell? He's in New York on his Don't Say I Didn't Warn You tour. He was in a cab, and it turned out the driver was somebody he'd waterboarded." "Scientists now say French kissing can lead to sexually transmitted disease. I found a way to stop French kissing. It's worked for me. Get married." "Astronauts just changed cameras on the Hubble Telescope, the most powerful telescope in history. Yet even it can't see how Larry King stays on the air." "A stripper, and you know how reliable they are, says she and another stripper had a three-way with Michael Phelps. My goodness, there's your freestyle event right there." "A guy in Michigan is tipping strippers with phony $10 bills. You remember we used to tip cows. Now we're tipping strippers. He said, 'Well, hell, they've all got phony breasts.'"

"30 Rock:" Kenneth the Page: "Science was my favorite subject in school, especially the Old Testament." Jack to his newly found father: "We can go to a ball game. I have seats between the players' wives and the players' mistresses."

Jon Stewart: "President Obama has changed his mind and is blocking release of torture photos. [Pulls out a stack.] What am I going to do with all these picture frames?" The segment was titled "Moral Kombat."

Jay Leno: "Miss California was photographed topless but can keep her crown. Let's hope Queen Elizabeth doesn't hear about this." "Pfizer is giving free Viagra to the unemployed. It's a stimulus package to point these guys in the right direction." "A man rented a porn DVD and on it saw his wife with his carpenter friend. He divorced his wife and stabbed the carpenter for nailing her."

My cable went out just after midnight, so I missed Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson."

May 15

Dave Letterman: "It was tough when I went to school. In those days the teachers wouldn't have sex with you." "You can tell it's almost summer. You know that thing on Donald Trump's head? I saw it catch a frisbee." "It's the anniversary of the invention of the jackhammer. We use it here in New York to make our famous potholes. There's one on 8th Avenue so big it has its own gift shop." "Joe Biden was funny at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Not shoot-your-buddy-in-the-face funny, but still pretty funny." "Dick Cheney went to see 'Angels & Demons' and kept screaming, 'Go, demons!' Cheney says rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell. Yeah, about three hundred pounds more." "At birth one in every thousand shrimps is breaded."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "Paris Hilton's attorneys say she's the single busiest person on the planet, which certainly explains the swine flu." "Miss California said, 'If a photographer happens to sneak in while I'm squatting nude on a coffee table, so be it." "Matthew McConaughey's brother Rooster has a son named Miller Lite, I kid you not."

Jay Leno: "I set my Tivo for 'Lost,' and it recorded the Lakers game" "Governor Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana and then tax it. If it succeeds, the extra money will solve our budget problems. If it fails, we'll be too stoned to care." "NASA fixed the Hubble telescope and they got five more nude photos of Miss California." "The new 'Star Trek' movie is set so far in the future Conan O'Brien is on at 10 o'clock." "Pfizer is giving free Viagra to men out of work. You thought it was bad when the guy behind you in the unemployment line stood too close before." Guest Kevin Bacon: "That's funny, because Bob Dylan told me never to drop names." Jay accused Kevin of wearing glasses that get darker around regular people and get lighter around stars so they can see his eyes.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Our entire audience tonight is auto workers flown in from Michigan to see Eminem and Michael Tyson. You get to enjoy the smog created by the cars you made." "Pfizer is giving free Viagra to the unemployed so they can do to their loved ones what their employers did to them."

Jimmy Fallon: "Oprah today gave all her audience members free Chrysler dealerships." "Pfizer's offer of free Viagra for the unemployed is just making things harder." "Google crashed for two hours yesterday. For the first time in history someone Yahooed you."

Craig Ferguson: "Governor Schwarzenegger wants to sell the L.A. Coliseum. He's selling everything he can't pronounce." "In my hotel I thought I was watching the sequel to 'The Da Vinci Code.' It was a porno flick called 'The Da Vinci Load,' starring Tom Spanks. I accidentally rented it twelve times." "I had to see the doctor about my three-legged stool."

May 18

Dave Letterman: "Manny Ramirez was suspended for fifty games for using a female fertility drug, but he's using the time off to act as a surrogate mother." "A filly won the Preakness, and there's already trouble -- naked photos. Speaking of which, Miss California is going to be on a new show on Fox. I've seen her naked photos. Talk about fair and balanced!" "Dick Cheney is in town to see all his favorite shows, 'Phantom,' 'Wicked,' 'Stomp.'" "An earthquake in California caused minor damage, but it was strong enough to knock David Hasselhoff off the floor, and it knocked three more babies out of the octomom."

On "Rules of Engagement" David Spade was asked why he knew the address of a lesbian bar. "Sometimes it's nice being the prettiest one in the room." The women also bought a penis cake from Master Bakers.

Jon Stewart was upset that Chrysler fired its dealers by letter: "That falls between yelling the news from a passing car and being told by the guy who's banging your wife."

Jay Leno: "The earthquake last night was so powerful it knocked Miss California's top off again." "Water rationing is starting in June. Dick Cheney can only waterboard twice a week." Headlines: "Drive-thru colorectal screening." Classified ad seeking "unqualified musicians for punk band." Ad for "1998 Lincolon town car." Medicine bottle instructions: "Insert one rectally by mouth." Ad for "triple-pecker sandwiches." Guest Kirk Fox: "I'm not going to pay for cremation in advance. What if I die in a horrible fire?"

Stephen Colbert was upset by robot teachers in Japan: "A student doesn't need to be taught by a mindless automaton, but taught to be one."

Jimmy Fallon: "Los Angeles had a 4.7 earthquake when Kirstie Alley tripped over an ottoman." "A man in London was arrested for taking his 14-year-old son to a prostitute. The kid now has to lose his virginity the old-fashioned way, with his teacher."

Craig Ferguson: "An earthquake in L.A. knocked Lindsay Lohan back into lesbianism." "Authorities in China have shut down a sex theme park. I liked the rides, the Spinning D Cups, Space Mounting ..." "Yesterday was my birthday. I'm a Taurus, the bull. Sometimes I charge at Spanish men in tight pants."

May 19

Dave Letterman: "Alex Rodriguez was downtown in a bar making out with Kate Hudson. Well, let's face it, it's the first time this guy's gotten to second base all season." "Mel Gibson's girlfriend is pregnant, and his wife is also expecting -- $400 million." "They asked Madonna if she's worried about marrying a guy half her age, and she said, 'If he dies, he dies.' He was stunned when he found out Madonna was marrying him. He'd thought she was adopting him." Guest Jane Fonda: I'm the older spokesmodel for L'Oreal. Face lotion, body lotion, embalming fluid."

On "Glee:" "That's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen, and I've seen a grade school production of 'Hair.'"

Jon Stewart: Segment title: "Guantanamo Baywatch: The Final Season." Jon: "I liked the Bush administration. At least you knew where you stood, which was sometimes on a box holding electrodes."

Jay Leno: "The economy's so bad Sea World is now an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet." "A study shows the happiest people tend to be older male Republicans. Just look at Dick Cheney." "Terry Bradshaw's on the show tonight, and I know what you're asking. 'Who canceled?'" "Blink-182 is on the show tonight. Nancy Pelosi's favorite band is Don't Blink-182."

Jimmy Fallon: "Joe Biden said, 'I'm sorry for leaking the secret information, and the launch code is 3408." "On the '24' season finale Jack Bauer ended up in a coma. Not very original. Paula Abdul does that every season." "A man in Massachusetts was arrested for eating cereal while driving. His blood-Alphabits level was off the charts. You know what he got? Life."

Craig Ferguson: "An earthquake hit L.A. Here at CBS we took shelter under Drew Carey." "The mayor of San Francisco wants to tax cigarette butts. San Francisco is famous for its butts. There's nothing like a fog-shrouded butt." "Poor J-Lo. Now it's all about Kim Kardashian ass. There's always a younger, bigger ass coming up behind you, if you're lucky." "Why did Noah's Ark take snakes and not unicorns? Or chocolate mousse or corn dogs?"

May 20

Dave Letterman: "So nice today I saw a hearse with the sun roof open. So nice Madonna took her fiance to the playground." "'Trump Magazine' is going out of business, so you see the recession isn't all bad." "Michael Vick is out of prison but still under house arrest. The judge told him, 'This is what you have to do. Stay. Stay.'" "Cher is 63 today. She will be on display at the New York Museum of Natural History, and if you're thinking of a gift you can't go wrong with something from Bed, Bath & Botox." "Have you heard about Ida, the 47,000,000-year-old fossil? Apparently Ida was a popular name 47,000,000 years ago. Today she appeared on 'Rachael Ray,' making her famous monkey fritters. Tomorrow Ida will be on 'The View, talking about the old days with Barbara Walters." Guest Stephen Colbert: "Sir Richard Branson was asked what historical figure he'd like to fight, and he said Stephen Colbert. I think he thinks I'm dead. [They showed a photo of Sir Dick kite-surfing with a naked model on his back,] I've offered to chicken fight him with naked models on our backs. I don't know if this picture is admirable or totally reprehensible." Dave: "Oh, wholly admirable. I looked at it and swelled up with admiration."

Jon Stewart had a segment "Auto-Neurotic Gay Fixation" about Republican charges that gay marriage will cost businesses for spousal benefits. "If adding a spouse costs a business, wouldn't that be an argument against all marriage? So businesses should hire only the undateable?" Segment on "New Mileage Standards: Pity the Fuel."

Jay Leno: "President Obama has found a way to still close Guantanamo Bay. Just turn it into a Pontiac dealership." "The economy's so bad Amy Winehouse is having to shoot diet coke." "Michael Vick is out of jail but still on probation. He's not allowed within a hundred yards of Snoop Dogg." About the new airport scanners where you appear on the screen nude: "I was going to be charged for extra carryon. 'No, I don't play baseball. Look again.'" "A 92-year-old woman is graduating from Sacramento State. Her parents said, 'Finally!'" "And a 78-year-old woman was arrested for assaulting her 84-year-old husband over his cheating on her 35 years ago, or as women call it, yesterday." "Pfizer is giving unemployed men free Viagra to cheer them up, knock wood. That's why they're now calling homeless shelters tent cities." Jay showed a clip of Willie Nelson saying, "If you're going to have sexual relations with an animal, make it a horse so you'll have a ride home." Guest Bill Maher: "Obama is not some chocolate Jesus who can do no wrong. That's Kanye West."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Don't be sorry for "American Idol" loser Adam Lambert. He landed a big endorsement from Maybelline." "She was the youngest winner on 'Dancing with the Stars,' except for Heather Mills' leg, which I believe was eight." Guest Ben Stiller came out with a giant live camel because he read on Wikipedia that Jimmy was into them. The camel started urinating, and it seemed to go on forever. The camera started shooting Ben and Jimmy from between the camel's hind legs.

Jimmy Fallon: "It's the first day of Fleet Week, or as Clay Aiken calls it, hunting season." "The Somali pirate has been indicted, and bail has been set at 700 doubloons." "Riker's Island prison has had two cases of swine flu, so inmates have been warned, if you notice your cellmate sneezing, don't rape him."

Craig Ferguson: "Michael Vick was released from prison today. Scooby Doo fled to Canada." About the photos of "American Idol" contestant Adam Lambert found on the internet: "Well, if dressing up as a wood nymph and kissing a guy makes you gay ..."

May 21

David Letterman: "Welcome to the show. I'm Larry King, Jr. Larry King just learned he had a son he never knew about. Larry King has been married eight times. He's the Octogroom." "So nice today Madonna's new boyfriend was out on the sidewalk with his lemonade stand." "The Hubble people called NASA and said the telescope was busted, and NASA said, 'Fine, will you be home between the hours of ...' Well, they fixed it and put a sticker on it: 'Objects may be closer than they appear.' Actually they improved it. It's now the Hubble Space Kaleidoscope." "Scientists have found a 47,000,000-year-old fossil that may be the missing link between man and ape. Wait, I thought that was the Governor of California. The female fossil, perfectly preserved, was found in a make-up trailer at 'Desperate Housewives.'" 'Forty-seven years ago President Kennedy vowed to put a man on the moon, and we did. Now if we could only put a man on Susan Boyle." Guest Amy Sedaris: "I cannot believe you got married. Wow! For tax reasons? And did she take your last name or Paul's?"

"30 Rock:" Jenna: "And beautiful women have it harder because everyone assumes we don't try in bed." Jack to criminal financier: "By this time I thought you'd be in Ecuador or Utah, somewhere U.S. law couldn't touch you." Kenneth the page: "Oh, my family has had rock soup and squirrels' tails, but there've been hard times too."

Jeff Dunham on Comedy Central: "If you choke a Smurf what color does it turn?"

Jon Stewart showed clips of Dick Cheney's speech: "9/11." "9/11." "9/11." "9/11." "We mustn't look backwards." The segment about homegrown terrorists targeting a synagogue in the Bronx was "Bomb Plotz." Guest Larry King: "I'm a little older than you." Jon: "A little!"

Stephen Colbert: "Green Day is here to promote their new album '21st Century Breakdown,' which I assume is about Microsoft's Vista."

Jay Leno showed the "American Idol" announcement of Kris Allen as winner and then switched to the audience where Jay, made up as Adam Lambert was sobbing and tearing up his "I Love Adam" sign. "Michael Vick is out of prison and wants to put dog fighting behind him so he can concentrate on cat wrestling." "There's a new Carnival Cruise featuring New Kids on the Block. Where are those Somali pirates when you really need them?" "Prince Charles was given England's highest gardening award by his mother. Even 'Star Trek" fans were going, 'Get a life.'" "A-Rod has dumped Madonna for Kate Hudson, so Madonna has started a lesbian relationship with Manny Ramirez."

Jimmy Kimmel: "'American Idol' winner Kris Allen has promised to correct the abuses perpetrated under the David Cook regime." "Dick Cheney said he didn't regret anything and would make Bush do it all again. Then he ate a baby." Jimmy showed a clip of an astronaut drinking recycled urine and then discovering the tube hadn't been hooked up correctly. "And whatever you do, don't accept a brownie from them."

Jimmy Fallon: "The National Archives lost a hard drive with invaluable date such as Bill Clinton's to-do list, with 500 names on it."

Craig Ferguson: "San Francisco was named America's dog friendliest city. It's funny that most dog collars are sold to men who don't own dogs." Guest John Waters: "When he died, the 'N.Y. Post' headline was 'Ike Turner Beats Tina to Death.'" "I'm sexually attracted to Alvin the Chipmunk, and when the cartoonists heard this, they sent me a cartoon of Alvin pleasuring himself."

May 22

Dave Letterman: "It's Fleet Week. The Hudson is so crowded with military ships that U.S. Airways is diverting its flights to the East River. Fleet Week lasts from now to May 25, or until all the ships are stolen." "Summer's coming. At St. Patrick's Cathedral they're taking down the stained glass windows and putting up the screens." "Seventy-five years ago bank robbers Bonnie and Clyde were shot to death by the police. Today the banks are robbing us." "Monday is Memorial Day when we honor our servicemen by having a big blowout sale at Best Buy. Mom's coming to the house, bringing her pharmaceutical grade potato salad." "Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are going to be debating in Toronto. The good news, the winner doesn't go on to become President." "Hillary Clinton gave the commencement address at Barnard College, and she told all the young women, 'Whatever you do, stay away from my husband." "They're shutting down Love Land, a Chinese sex amusement park. The government decided it was too much amusement. So now they've torn down everything, but they've reopened the stark, empty space as Marriageland." "Guest Ricky Gervais wrote a letter to President Obama. Dave asked why. "Paris Hilton was doing a show, 'My Best British Friend' or something, which was fine. I didn't have to watch it. But then she bought a house near me in London, and I thought enough's enough, so I sent a letter to President Obama. I said, 'Look, I know what this is about. It's retaliation for us sending Posh Spice to America, and I propose a swap." Ricky's middle name is spelled "Dene" because his father was drunk when he filled out the form. About an upcoming movie Ricky said, "I directed it, and I gave myself the starring role in it, and I have to be brutally honest, I was brilliant."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "Jillian is from Vancouver. Her nose is from Toronto." About a song on "Daisy:" "'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star?" I thought it was 'Mary Had a Little Sore.'" Showed a clip of Jennifer Love Hewitt giving birth to a litter of evil hairless kittens. Joel: "I'm sorry, I like my pussies hairy." About a girl on "Rock of Love:" "She sure has a lot of spunk, and once she washes it off ..." Showed clip of Simon being mean to Paula Abdul. Joel: "Paula's feelings weren't hurt. She has no idea he's there." About two straight guys in a bromance. "At this point sodomy would be the straightest thing these guys have done."

Chelsea Handler on Mel Gibson's girlfriend's baby: "If it comes out black we'll know it's Danny Glover's." One panel member asked where they would inject this new male birth control shot. Other guy: "If we can stop wearing condoms it can go anywhere. My penis could quit dressing up like a robber."

Jay Leno: "President Obama and Dick Cheney argued about national security. I guess we have to choose between Barack and a heartless place." "The economy's so bad 'Home & Garden Magazine' is now 'Mobile Home & Garden.'" In the new movie a Terminator comes back from the future to prevent an earlier Terminator from running for Governor of California." "'Sex Text Wednesday' was such a hit they're having 'Sit on My Facebook Saturday.'"

Jimmy Kimmel was asked by guest Hank Azaria if his wife had had horrible symptoms when she was pregnant. Jimmy: "She was horrible through the whole marriage."

Jimmy Fallon: "A man in Montana saved his dog's life by sucking snake venom out of where it had been bitten on its nose. Now he can't get the taste of other dogs' butts out of his mouth."

Craig Ferguson: "Last year Drew Carey ate his whole birthday cake with the stripper still inside it. We're still paying off the family." "Arnold isn't in the new 'Terminator.' He's still terminating California."

May 25

"SNL Weekend Update:" The Gay Couple from New Jersey: "We like you better without the beard." Seth Meyers: "I've never had a beard." Gay Couple: "We mean Amy Poehler." Seth reporting on kosher food for dogs: "In this case kosher means blessed by a rabbit."

Jay Leno: "The L.A. Marathon is tricky. You have to keep changing gang colors as you go through different neighborhoods." "Cheney is giving speeches like he thinks he's still President." "North Korea exploded a nuclear bomb. It was such big news it knocked 'Jon & Kate + 8' off the front page." "The mayor of San Angelo, Texas, quit because he was in love with another guy who was an illegal immigrant. They'd go on a date and the Mexican guy would crawl into the trunk." "A man in England got a prostitute for his 14-year-old son. When I was 14 my dad wouldn't even hire a clown for my birthday." Guest Mel Gibson on his girlfriend: "Before I even saw her I fell in love with her voice." Jay: "Have you heard Susan Boyle?" On his girlfriend's pregnancy: "This will be your eighth kid?" Mel: "I'm the OctoMel." Best Headlines over the years: "Miracle cure kills 6 patients." "Poverty meeting draws poor turnout." "Chicken manure is not the cure for chapped lips." Ad for "A-Whole Chiropractic." Church bulletin: "Morning service: Preparing for Marriage. Evening service: A Look at Hell." Couples getting married: Flint - Stone, Baer - Teets, Sawyer - Hiney, Toole - Burns, Annis - Biter, Johnson - Wacker, Cockman - Dickman, Butts - Fudger.

Arj Barker on Comedy Central: "On July 4 I love my country so much I put a rocket in a beer bottle and set it off on what is arguably the driest week of the year."

Jimmy Fallon: "Nancy Pelosi is in China to negotiate on climate change. I think she'll do fine. These contests usually come down to who blinks first." "A Japanese company is making toilet paper with a horror story printed on it. The end of the story? You're out of toilet paper."

Craig Ferguson: "Memorial Day is the start of summer. The end of summer is when I see myself in a bathing suit."

May 26

Chelsea Handler blamed Brooke Shields for her own underage sex: "If I hadn't seen you with that blond boy in 'Blue Lagoon' do you think I'd have had sex with my 52-year-old neighbor in his aboveground pool?" Chelsea showed a new Jewish doll: "A guy in Germany ordered six million of them." "Paris Hilton was thrown off Elton John's yacht for having loud sex with her boyfriend in the bathroom. It was in Cannes in the can in her can."

Jay Leno: "We may have a new Latina Supreme Court Justice. Her first decision will be to deport Lou Dobbs." "The fear is that North Korea will sell nuclear weapons to an unstable world leader, like Dick Cheney." "The ban on gay marriage was upheld in California, but the 18,000 who were already married can stay married, so Kevin and I don't have to return the gifts. Gay marriages are good for the economy, because you have two people interested in having a great wedding." "Having a cat makes you 40% less likely to have a heart attack. The cat could care less." "A gun went off in the pocket of a German man and shot off his sex organ. So there is something worse than shooting your mouth off." Guest Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Al Gore is to comedy what Raymond Burr was to pole vaulting." "The secret of success? Come to America, work hard, and marry a Kennedy." After clips of his appearances over 17 years: "What's amazing is that I look the same today as I did 17 years ago. What happened to you, Jay?"

Jimmy Fallon: "An Hispanic Justice should keep the Supreme Court from leaning too far to the white." "North Korea exploded a nuclear bomb and now has shot off two missiles. We've got it. You have a small penis." "Larry King said the one person he'd most like to interview is Osama bin Laden, because they've both lived in caves."

May 27

Chelsea Handler reported on a woman who had twins fathered by two different men. Panelist Jean Kirkman: "Two different child supports? That's awesome."

Jay Leno: "President Obama had only an hour's warning of North Korea's nuclear test, but then he has no warning at all when Joe Biden goes off." "You know that 'Viva Viagra' commercial? Is that wise, forming a conga line with guys on Viagra?" Gilbert Gottfried dressed as Yoda: "Yoda getting no Wookie. Every night is Han Solo." Guest Wanda Sykes, whose wife just gave birth to their twins: "There's no such thing as a smooth birth. There's always lots of mopping." Jay: "I enjoy being there for the conception." Wanda: "I wasn't there for that." "Alex is breast feeding. She handles everything that goes in, and I handle everything that comes out." "But we're getting no sleep. I tell my wife, 'You catch me in bed with another woman, I'm just taking a nap.'" Guest Dame Edna: "At this stage in your series it doesn't matter what we talk about tonight." On the economy: "I've cut back on my charitable contributions, and now I have more money to spend on myself." About the scandal of Michelle Obama touching the Queen: "If you look at the footage you'll see the Queen's fingers creeping across Michelle's back." To Wanda, "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" "We found an old book when we were burning my mother's things ..." "Your wife Mavis and I have sold all your cars, Jay."

Jimmy Fallon: "Chrysler is headed to bankruptcy court today, in a Mitsubishi." "Almost 9 million people watched 'Kate & Jon + 8.' Soon it'll be 'Kate + 8 minus Jon.'" "A man slashed the tires on 48 cars because he was frustrated with his mother. You can do that, or you can just hang up on her."

May 28

Jay Leno: "Gay marriages have been struck down in California, but gay unions are still legal. Would that be the Pipe Fitters Union?" "In Florida a female teacher in a Catholic school was arrested for having sex with a 15-year-old boy. It proves parochial schools CAN compete with public schools." "Paris Hilton lost her Blackberry. Like her virginity, she has no idea where she lost it." Guest Billy Crystal: "For my birthday the Yankees hired me for one day for $10,000,000. I had three days to come up with the money. They said they had to test my blood and urine, so I gave them my underwear."

Jimmy Fallon: "Eleven kids made it to the finals of the Scripps Spelling Bee, and so did their inhalers." "Time-Warner is going to make AOL an independent company by the end of the year. They wanted to do it sooner, but couldn't get it to load." Guest Jack McBrayer (Kenneth the page on "30 Rock") "The Civil War was a tie."

May 29

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "Mel Gibson's upcoming baby is the second most embarrassing thing to happen to him after too many white Russians." Clip of a father talking to his daughter: "You matured early, have a dynamite body; you're a father's worst nightmare."

Chelsea Handler panelist Whitney Cummings: "Dolly Parton and Jessica Simpson together? They've both had so much plastic surgery it's like Numb and Number."

Jay Leno's final show: "When we started this show my hair was black and the President was white. Jon and Kate were both eight." "The economy's so bad that gay bars are having ladies nights. Attendance at state fairs is down so much that carny workers are having to molest each other." Bandleader Kevin got to deliver one: "The economy's down so much that Jiffy Lube is giving happy endings." Clip of Rodney Dangerfield: "Last night I made love to an inflatable doll. Today there's an inflatable man looking for me." Jay: "Tonight Presidents Bush and Clinton debated in Toronto. I wish I had one more day!" "In a survey 90% of the men said they'd marry the same woman, Megan Fox." Best of Jaywalking: Jay: "How does the 'Bible' start?" Woman: "Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away." Jay: "What President was called Tricky Dick?" Woman: "Clinton?" Jay: "Where do they speak Gaelic?" Woman: "San Francisco?" Jay: "Who wrote Handel's .Messiah?'" Man: "I don't read books." Guest Conan O'Brien: "My big boss, the Chairman of GE, was coming to inspect our new studio. A minute before he arrived all the lights went out. A shadow walked in, the Chairman of GE, the company that invented the light bulb. He said, 'What's going on?' I said, 'You wanted to go green. We'll be performing the show without electricity.'" Jay: When I took over from Johnny Carson 'The Tonight Show' was number one. I'm handing it over to Conan, and it's number one. So I'll get my security deposit back."

Jimmy Fallon: "The guy who invented Viagra died at 92. The funeral was delayed while they tried to close the coffin. It was hard, but they finally got it closed." "In California an openly gay teen was elected Prom Queen. Everybody was happy with the result except the Prom King." "Kate of 'Jon & Kate + 8' has written a new cookbook called 'I Hate My Husband. Here Are Some Recipes.'"

Lou Allen on Comedy Central: "I went home with this girl. At 3:30 in the morning her alarm went off. She says, 'Oh, I was supposed to get an abortion.' She yawned, 'But I don't want to get up. I think I'll just have the baby. I didn't want to go to college anyway.' A lot of people aren't fond of that joke, but let me remind you, in that joke the baby lives."

As a special treat here's a rough transcript of the speeches by Wanda Sykes and President Obama at the White House Correspondent's Dinner May 9

Click for speech transcripts..

 

 

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