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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

May 2007

Alan on 2-1/2 Men: "The DMV is like jury duty without the fun of finding somebody guilty."

Jay Leno: "In New York City women are being paid as much as $1,200 to lie on a table in fancy restaurants, naked, and the chef covers them with food. Then people come and eat the food off the naked women. You know what these women are called? Lazy Susans." Headlines: "Read Dead Abby & Ann Landers."

On The Daily Show Samantha Bee's segment on the Democratic candidates debate was called "Mass Debaters."

Dave Letterman: "Did you hear about the big sex scandal in Washington D.C.? Politicians were visiting prostitutes. Apparently one girl was paid with a new dam in her home state."

Conan O'Brien: "On location in San Francisco! San Francisco is a great place. It's the only place where marijuana is legal, but plastic bags are not. Everyone here is so nice and warm. Even Mayor Gavin Newsom sent me flowers. When I tried to thank him, he said, 'They're for your wife.' Here's an interesting fact: The fortune cookie was invented in San Francisco in 1909. The fortune cookie was invented when someone said, 'That cookie was delicious, but what will happen to me in the future?'” Here's Conan with a character dressed as the Transgender TransAmerica Pyramid.

Dave Letterman: "Politicians are now having sex with prostitutes? What's wrong with Congressional pages?" Also, "On The View Elisabeth Hasselbeck is pregnant. Rosie O'Donnell says, 'It's not mine!'"

Jason Jones on The Daily Show segment "Beltway Unbuckled:" "You have no idea how much tension builds up in the balls of power."

Conan O'Brien: "Nice to be here in San Francisco. I know why you're here: The marquee outside says 'free medical marijuana.'" Also, "The mayor of San Francisco is planning to make this city a sanctuary for illegal immigrants. As a result, San Francisco is changing its name to Los Angeles."

Jay Leno: "You know who Nancy Pelosi is, right? She's the second most powerful woman in the country right behind the D.C. Madam." Also, "A new study shows lesbians are twice as likely to be obese as straight women. Not according to those videos [bandleader] Kevin has."

Dave Letterman: "The politicians were spending hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars for sex. And I thought, 'Well that's better than spending that kind of money on a haircut.'"

Conan O'Brien: "The San Francisco mayoral race is heating up. There are now 13 candidates running against Gavin Newsom. Mayor Newsom said, 'I'm looking forward to debating all the candidates, and nailing their wives.'"

David Spade: "Legally Blonde opened on Broadway this week, and it's the perfect show for anyone who wants to see the movie again for 200 bucks."

On The Daily Show Ted Koppel said when he asks his 92-year-old neighbor how he is, the man replies, "Oh, you know, circling the drain."

Conan O'Brien in San Francisco: "Welcome to the historic Orpheum Theatre. When people ask me how to get here, I tell them walk down to Market Street and when you get scared, it's another four blocks. When you get stabbed, you know you've arrived.
"This week we've had some fun at the mayor's expense, so last night I apologized to Mayor Newsom for all the jokes I made about him. And the makeup sex was incredible.
"Last night in California the first Republican debate was held in Reagan Presidential Library. The candidates tried to distance themselves from president Bush. The first step in distancing yourself from President Bush is appearing at a library."

Craig Ferguson: "That D.C. madam released her client list. There haven't been this many nervous lawyers since Dick Cheney renewed his hunting license."

Conan O'Brien: "I've been here several days now and the San Francisco lifestyle is starting to rub off on me. Today, I realized I was wearing a suit and tie, so I gave myself the finger. "Everyone here has been so nice to me here in San Francisco. Earlier today, Mayor Gavin Newsom invited me over for a sandwich. After that, we had lunch.
"This is a very active city. Later this month, San Francisco will host the annual 'Bay to the Breakers' race. 'Bay to the Breakers' is perfect for anyone who loves to run -- but hates being sober or dressed."

Jay Leno: "Have you heard the latest? Former gay governor of New Jersey … remember Jim McGreevey the governor who admitted that he was gay? He now announced he is looking into becoming an Episcopal priest. Not a lot of people happy about this. Especially the altar boys. They are not thrilled with this at all.
"The other day McGreevey’s wife was on Oprah. She talked about how when he told her that he was gay … she was really mad … she said "he gave me the news in cowardly installments.” That was her quote. Although according to McGreevey, he always wished that she could take it like a man, so I don't know who to believe."
"The latest in cosmetic surgery is something called spectrum adjustable breast implants. They are saline breast implants you can adjust after surgery to make them larger or smaller. For example, you can enlarge them when you're going out for a night on the town. And then you make them smaller when you want a man to actually listen to what you're saying."

Dave Letterman on the D.C. Madam sex scandal: "Their slogan was, 'We take care of you below the Beltway.'"
"Donald Trump is now selling steaks. Each steak is marbled and cut by a master butcher – just like Donald's hair."

Jay Leno: "Today is May 2, or as President Bush calls it, 'Veto de Mayo' day."

Young Jake on Two and a Half Men: "If I fail summer school, what are they gonna do, make me go to regular school?"

Jon Stewart: "The Republicans seem to want an optimist who also has a cruel streak—sort of a sado-optimist." John Oliver: "The Republican candidates were of all colors, from bone to eggshell."

Stephen Colbert says the new President of France is called "le American." "He even allowed himself to be photographed with George W. Bush, so that makes him more American than many of the Republican presidential candidates."

Jay Leno: "Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this; they were hoping for the death penalty. She claims her publicist told her she was allowed to drive to work. Which would be great if she had a job.
"The first time Paris was stopped it was for not having either front or rear license plates. Now she can make her own."

"Bush learned a few words of English so he could talk with Queen Elizabeth in her native tongue."

"Mrs. McGreevey, ex-wife of the gay governor of New Jersey, has written a book called Men Are from Mars, but Some Are after Uranus.

Dave Letterman: "The queen of England is in the United States. Earlier today she was down at the White house. George Bush. I wouldn't give this guy's troubles to a monkey on a rock. He gets confused. He went up to the queen and congratulated her on her Academy Award.

"Queen Elizabeth went to the Kentucky Derby. She walked up to each of the horses before the race and asked, 'Charles?'
"The Kentucky Derby is exciting isn't it? For me, the Kentucky Derby is a lot like sex. It's over in two minutes and it costs me a hundred bucks.

"Paris Hilton is going to jail. Good work, Spiderman. Paris has already asked permission to videotape her conjugals, and she's giving the guards a list on how she likes to be searched."

Regis Philbin chided Dave for not having watched Shrek 3 before he came on. Dave: "Come on, it's the third one, and you're in it. How good can it be?"

Conan O'Brien: "Big celebrity story: A judge in Los Angeles has sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail for violating her probation, but Paris is trying to get out of it. Legal experts say that if Paris Hilton wants to avoid going to jail in Los Angeles, she'll have to murder someone."

Jimmy Kimmel: "For 45 days Paris will not be allowed to use her blackberry, cell phone or vagina."



Jimmy Carr on Conan O'Brien: "When I told my mother I wanted to grow up and be a comedian, she said, 'You can't do both.'" Jimmy's new book is "Only Joking."

Tom Dreeson on Dave Letterman: "When my wife wondered why a woman was getting so drunk at my 20th hight school reunion I told her I'd broken up with her in high school and she'd started drinking. My wife asked, 'Why's she celebrating so long?'"

Conan O'Brien: "While in jail Paris will have her private parts searched. This could be a problem. They only have 45 days."

"Angelina Jolie always tries to be sure her shoes match her orphan."

"Bush was surprised Queen Elizabeth was so small for a cruise ship."

Steven Wright on Craig Ferguson on why he doesn't bet: "You can see by the buildings on the Las Vegas Strip that most people lose."

Jay Leno: "Gas went up 20 cents a gallon this past week. Record highs all across the country. In fact, it is so expensive in Los Angeles, today, I saw Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger carpooling."

Dave Letterman: "Gas? This summer it could be $4 a gallon. It’s all part of President Bush’s No Oil Company Left Behind program."

This Paris Hilton thing is tearing this country apart. On the one hand, people are calling for leniency. On the other hand, people are calling for lethal injection.

Conan O'Brien: "Former President Bill Clinton wrote the clues for a New York Times crossword puzzle. Which explains why the clue for No. 9 down is, 'synonym for pain in the ass, rhyming with "millary."’”

"Donald Trump announced he is coming out with his own line of Trump steaks. They come in three sizes: large, extra large, and Rosie O’Donnell."

Jimmy Kimmel: "We’re circulating our own petition. We’re asking Gov. Schwarzenegger to officially declare June 5 'Paris Hilton Is Going to Jail Day.'”

Conan O'Brien"It looks like Paris Hilton is going to jail for 45 days. Prison officials say that while Paris Hilton is in jail, she will be taken to the showers in handcuffs. At least some things for Paris will remain the same."

Craig Ferguson: "Bill Clinton has designed a crossword puzzle for The New York Times. It’s very hard: '32 across. Four letter word for Hillary.'”

"Big story today: Big wildfire in Griffith Park. Unbelievable. The bravery, the skills of these guys. I love firefighters. That’s why I buy the calendars.”

Amy Pohler on Saturday Night Live: "Paris Hilton said, 'I just sign whatever people put in front of me. And by "sign" I mean "put in my mouth."'"

Jay Leno: "Apparently Phil Spector wasn't happy to see any of these women. That really was a gun in his pocket." Also, "Squirrels with bubonic plague were found in Denver. So it you're going to be around squirrels, wear a condom." And, "Another athlete failed a drug test. Maybe these drug tests are just too hard."
Headlines: "15 oz. Corn Poops." Menu with potato skins: "Fore skins filled with cheese." Menu offering "half-giraffe of wine."

Craig Ferguson: "I don't like driving in Florida. It's either 25 doing 90 or 90 doing 25." A nudist bum sticker: "My other ass is hot." Guest Carrot Top had a high school graduation gown that reversed into a McDonald's uniform.

Conan O'Brien: "The Tony nominations came out last night. People who care about the Tony nominations came out a long time ago." Also, "It's not necessary to say 'accidentally' before 'shot himself in the testicles.'"

Jay Leno: "Paris's sentence has already been reduced to 23 days. You know what that means, the judge finally saw the video." Also, "There's a new beer that has actual pieces of pizza in it. Didn't that used to be called vomit?" And, "TGIF. The Green card Is Five grand."

Dave Letterman: "Shrek is a huge man, and he marries into royalty and eventually becomes Governor of California."

Jimmy Kimmel: "With good behavior, Paris's 45-day sentence will only last 23 days. We can't be greedy. We should just be happy that she's going to jail at all."

Dave Letterman: "Donald Trump had a new granddaughter over the weekend. I did the math on this: Trump's new granddaughter will graduate from high school the same year as his next wife."

Bob Barker on Letterman: "I only wish Regis were alive to see this."

Jay Leno: "I had a full colonoscopy today. Not at the doctor's office. At the gas station near my house."

Dave Letterman: "Former President Bill Clinton was a speaker at the Global Warming Summit, and he says that he has been very, very concerned about global warming. In fact, earlier this week, another chunk of ice fell off his wife."

Craig Ferguson: "Not such a great day for Donald Trump. NBC has canceled The Apprentice. You just know all those NBC executives were fighting over who got to say, 'You're fired.'”

Dave Letterman: "It's graduation time. A lot of honor students here in New York City. 'Yes, Your Honor . . . No, Your Honor.'”

Conan O'Brien: "Big news from England. British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that he will step down next month. After hearing this President Bush said, 'That's a shame. He's the only world leader who took the time to learn English.'”

On My Name is Earl, Earl contacts Joy's best friend to be a character witness for her. "The last time I saw Joy she drank all my cherry wine and had a three-way with my parents."

David Spade: "Paris Hilton has a petition to keep herself out of jail, and a lot of guys have put their John Hancocks on it. Minus the 'John' and minus the Han.'" Also, "Vin Diesel has changed his name to Vin Ethanol."

The Daily Show title for Tony's resignation was "The Blair Ditch Project."

Jay Leno: "In Jerusalem, motorists just drove around a dead body in the middle of the street. In L.A. somebody would have dragged the corpse into their car so they could use the car pool lane." Also, "The Milwaukee Brewers offered free rectal and prostate exams at the stadium. Talk about a tailgate party!"

Conan O'Brien on the brawl at Boston's Symphony Hall. "The Hall will no longer serve beer after the second movement." Also, "When Paris goes to jail they'll search her privates over a wheelbarrow in case a bunch of stuff falls out."

Craig Ferguson: "Now the Beckhams are coming to America. The only English celebrity left in London is Madonna."

Larry the Cable Guy on Craig: "They want money for these sex tapes I made years ago. You make a little money, and relatives just come out of the woodwork."
Also, "Rosie's blowing up like a tick on Dracula. If she gets any bigger she's going to block The View." Larry was struck by fat homeless people. "Evidently you can eat yourself out of house and home." On Hugh Hefner proposing marriage: "He got down on one knee and two testicles. I saw him with two of his girlfriends, and it looked like Weekend at Bernie's 3." On his new baby. "At first I didn't know my wife was pregnant. I was used to her throwing up after sex."

Comedian Dimitri Martin: "I like rainbows, but I'm not gay, so I wear a tee with a rainbow, but under it I have to write, 'Not gay.' But I'm not against gays, so I have to add, 'but supportive.' Isn't it weird that one group could co-opt refractive light?"

Jay Leno: "When I hear two guys are fighting at the Boston Symphony, I assume it's over another guy." Also, "There's now a bathroom scale that goes to a thousand pounds. There's the perfect Mother's Day gift."

Dave Letterman asked his Mom what her favorite thing was about New York City, and she replied. "OTB." Her advice to Dave, "Be yourself, but less annoying, and quit bothering Oprah."

Dave Letterman: "Sunday is Mother's Day. It's a day to remind you why you are in therapy."

Conan O'Brien: "This week a group of Republican congressmen asked President Bush what his Plan B is if the current plan in Iraq doesn't work. The Plan B discussion was difficult for Bush because it involves two areas where he's extremely vulnerable: Iraq and the alphabet."

Craig Ferguson: "The British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that he's stepping down. I have great respect for Tony Blair. He helped bring peace to Northern Ireland. If you can get the Protestants and Catholics to work things out, you can solve anything. You can solve the Israeli-Palestinian crisis, and even the ultimate challenge: Rosie and Trump."

Dave Letterman: "Shrek 3 opened today. All your favorite characters are back. There's the ogre, there's the princess, there's the jackass . . . Oh wait a minute. That's the cast of The View.
Shrek is a beastly ogre. He's a giant and he marries into a family of royalty. And eventually goes on to become governor of California."

Jay Leno: "The New York Post is reporting that Britney Spears demanded to get off a United Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Miami because she wanted leather seats and they didn't have any. Hey I can understand that. If you're on a five-hour flight with no underwear on, you don't want to be sitting on vinyl."

Conan O'Brien: "This weekend Larry King rented Dodger Stadium for his son's birthday. When asked why, he said, 'It's not every day that your son turns 65.'”

Dave Letterman: "New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver." Also, "Did you hear about Paula Abdul? She tripped over her Chihuahua and broke her nose. She's going to be fine, but the doctor told her to wait at least six weeks before having sex with a contestant. She broke her nose, but the good news is she didn't spill her gin and tonic."

Conan O'Brien: "When former N.J. Gov. Jim McGreevey’s wife found out her husband was gay, she went to Hillary Clinton for advice. Hillary, said, 'Gay! I wish I had your problem.'”

Jay Leno: "How about this? At a charity auction yesterday someone paid $350,000 to be kissed by George Clooney. I had no idea Ryan Seacrest had that kind of money." Also, "Some of Michael Jackson's personal processions will be auctioned off in Las Vegas the end of this month. The one thing that Michael won't be parting with though, is his Pinocchio doll. You know, on the off chance, that one day it might became a real live boy."

Dave Letterman: "Beautiful day today. It's like Regis Philbin: Sunny and 84." Also, "In New York City, it's Fleet Week. The United States naval fleet is here to keep peace on The View.”

Craig Ferguson: "Michael Jackson is in Bahrain. He's appearing at a private birthday party for $10 million. It's a children's birthday party. It's only $10 million, but it's all Michael could afford."

Fred Willard on MAD TV: "How can you tell if a congregation is gay? Every other member is kneeling."

Jason Jones on The Daily Show: "I'm Canadian. Everyone loves us. We're like the world's gay friend."

Steven Colbert: "The Pope knows all about poor people. The Vatican has priceless paintings of them."

Dave Letterman: "Regis is doing his show from New Orleans this week. Haven't those people suffered enough?"

Craig Ferguson: "That Will Ferrell has the curliest chest hair I've ever seen, on a man."

Jay Leno: "Now scientists say Viagra helps with jet lag. 'We love to fly, and it shows.' Now you'll really see some snakes on a plane."

Craig Ferguson: "Joey Fatone has a wimpy beard. Show us a real beard." Up popped a picture of Katie Holmes.

Jay Leno: "Jordin Sparks won American Idol, 17 years old. This is the youngest major singing debut since Cher in 1928." Also, "A new book says you can lose weight just through prayer. You ever seen a skinny gospel singer?" Guest Fred Willard: "In Barstow they have the world's largest ball of meth."

Joel McHale on The Soup: "The porn star who spells her name Katee Holmes says she can't be confused with Mrs. Tom Cruise because she's blonde and has free will."

Jay Leno on his 15th anniversary show: "Just think. If a child had been born the night we first aired, he'd already be way too old for Michael Jackson. Oh, and what does Michael Jackson love about twenty five year olds? That there are twenty of them." Also, "Rosie has quit The View. She wants to spend more time arguing with her family."

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Exercises for opening your heart, lighting up your chakras or energy centers, and believing your dreams into reality.

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What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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