Strange
de
Jim
entertained
San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd
quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb).
Strange
holds
the
world
record
for
Most
Late-Night
Jokes
Absorbed,
1999 -
Last Night.
Strange's
Last
Night's
Top
10
Late-Night
Jokes
March 2011
I'll tweet you when the new jokes are
posted: @strangedejim
March Strangies:
O'Brien 5, Leno 5, Letterman 4,
Ferguson 3, Fallon 3, Stewart 1, Colbert 1, Kimmel 1
Thursday, March 31
10. Craig
Ferguson: Last year at Fenway Park the 1st pitch was thrown out by
Chewbacca. He was Wookiee of the Year.
9. Craig Ferguson: San Francisco looks down on L.A. because they have
the lovely hills and Rice-A-Roni, and L.A. just has TV and porn. And
the Kardashians, who are like TV AND porn, with the best parts of TV
and porn removed.
8. Jay Leno: A 100-year-old man and a 90-year-old woman just got
married. They spent their honeymoon having sex on top of a USC building
in broad daylight in front of everyone.
7. David Letterman: Uganda said Khadafy could come live there in exile,
which is amazing, because to Charlie Sheen they said no.
6. Jimmy Fallon: Larry King will throw out the 1st pitch at the
Washington National's game Saturday. Larry hopes to throw a
perfect strike, but my money's on two really low balls.
5. Jimmy Fallon: A study found our happiness peaks in our late 80s.
That's because all the people who annoyed you are dead by then.
4. David Letterman: Lindsay Lohan was at Yankee Stadium for the opener.
Stole a base.
3. Jimmy Kimmel: They found that Egyptian cobra that was missing from
the Bronx Zoo. Turns out it was in Lindsay Lohan's purse.
2. David Letterman: They caught the deadly escaped Egyptian cobra in
Riverdale trying to have sex with a fire hose. But the cobra is so full
of venom they offered him a job at Fox News.
1. Jay Leno: The airlines
lost 29 million bags last year. They ask us all those questions. We
should be the ones asking the questions. "Do you have our bags? Have
you let them out of your sight? Did you put them on the plane
yourselves?"
The Autobiography of Mark Twain,
2010
Page 219 -
When a mamma-turkey answers an invitation [a turkey call] and finds she
has made a mistake in accepting it, she does as the mamma-partridge
does -- remembers a previous engagement and goes limping and scrambling
away, pretending to be very lame; and at the same time she is saying to
her not-visible children, "Lie low, keep still, don't expose
yourselves. I shall be back as soon as I have beguiled this shabby
swindler out of the county."
When a person is ignorant and confiding, this immoral device can have
tiresome results. I followed an ostensibly lame turkey over a
considerable part of the United States one morning, because I believed
in her and could not think she would deceive a mere boy, and one who
was trusting her and considering her honest ...
More than once, after I was very tired, I gave up taking her alive, and
was going to shoot her, but I never did it, although it was my right,
for I did not believe I could hit her; and besides, she always stopped
and posed, when I raised the gun, and this made me suspicious that she
knew about me and my marksmanship, and so I did not care to expose
myself to remarks.
.
Wednesday, March 30
10. Jay Leno:
Newt Gingrich said he's afraid America will become an atheist country
dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be
religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook
up with the communist capitalists we're screwed.
9. Jimmy Kimmel: Perez Hilton has written a children's book called "The
Boy with Pink Hair," although the first title he pitched was "The Very
Slutty Caterpillar." Then he pitched "Goodnight Moon, You Skank" and
"Everyone Poops and I've Got the Pictures."
8. Craig Ferguson: I could never be a coal miner, though. I'm too
pretty. Plus I'd giggle every time the boss said, "OK, boys, time to go
down the shaft."
7. Jimmy Kimmel: That Bronx Zoo Egyptian cobra is still on the loose.
This could be the basis of the best April Fool prank ever.
6. Jay Leno: Two USC students were caught having sex on the roof of a
campus building in full view of everybody. The couple have been
identified, and today they were on the news. [Showed Prince William and
Kate Middleton being interviewed.]
5. David Letterman: Yes, there's a deadly Egyptian cobra on the loose.
I thought it was in the theater last night. Turns out it was just the
audience hissing.
4. Conan O'Brien: A new website helps students hook up for casual sex.
It's called Facebook.
3. Craig Ferguson: "Jeopardy" premiered on this date in 1964, when Alex
Trebek said to the first contestants, "What are cocaine and hookers?"
2. Jimmy Kimmel: Sarah Palin continues to make significant
contributions to the English language. She asked, "Is Libya a war, an
intervention, a squrmish, what is it?" Squirmish is how I feel every
time I hear Sarah Palin talk.
1. Jay Leno: In England a
couple met through an internet dating service, fell in love, and then
found out they were a long-lost brother and sister. On the plus side,
it takes a lot of pressure off meeting the parents.
Her Royal
Spyness by Rhys Bowen, Berkley
Prime Crime 2007
Plucky 24-year-old
virgin Lady Victoria
Georgiana Charlotte Eugenie is 34th in line to the British Throne and
penniless. Unable to stand her sister-in-law, she flees to the empty
family mansion in London. It's the early 1930s, and Queen Mary asks her
to go to a weekend house party and spy on Wallace Simpson, an American
divorcee who has designs on the Prince of Wales. Meanwhile, Georgiana's
brother Binky comes down from Scotland to meet a Frenchman to whom
their father gambled away the Scottish estate before committing
suicide. Georgiana discovers the Frenchman dead in their bathtub.
Page 144 - [Binky hasn't been home since she
found the body.] I took pen and paper and wrote him a note, in case he
returned before I did. Binky, There is a corpse in the upstairs
bathtub. Don't do anything until I return. Above all, don't telephone
the police. We need to talk about what we should do. Love, Georgie.
145 - [She's trying to be admitted to her brother's club.] I was doing
quite a good imitation of my esteemed great-grandmother -- the Empress
of India, not the one who had sold fish in the East End, although I
gather she had a commanding presence and was also good at getting her
own way.
.
Tuesday, March 29
10. Jay Leno:
A Chinese farmer is claiming one of his sheep has given birth to a
puppy. You know what a Chinese farmer calls a half-sheep/half-puppy?
Dinner and a date.
9. Craig Ferguson: Over the weekend Prince William had his stag night
in a secret mansion. That's the British name for a bachelor party, boys
night out, weenie roast, brodeo, exhibit A for the prosecution. I hear
the party got crazy. At one point he took a sip of sherry and didn't
stick out his pinkie. When I say "pinkie" I mean "penis."
8. Jimmy Fallon: A man and woman who met on a British dating site
eventually figured out that they were brother and sister. But since
they live close to each other, they can actually carpool to therapy.
Saving the Earth.
7. Jay Leno: Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming
men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend
them because they thought they could get them cheaper.
6. David Letterman: Lindsay Lohan is dropping her last name. She's just
Lindsay. Randy Quaid's doing the same thing. Now he's just Randy.
Houdini also just went by one name, and he too made things disappear.
5. Conan O'Brien: The inventor of Super Glue passed away at the age of
94. Things got a little awkward at his funeral. [Showed clip of
pallbearers getting stuck to the casket handles.]
4. Jimmy Kimmel: In the Barry Bonds steroid trial his ex-mistress
testified that he became increasingly short-tempered, started losing
his hair and became impotent as the relationship went on. But doesn't
this happen in every relationship? She also testified his testicles
became smaller and peculiarly shaped. When your testicles are being
discussed in court it's never good. How do you defend your testicles?
It's not like your attorney can call them to the stand.
3. Jay Leno: Prince William had his bachelor party this weekend. One
awkward moment, when they got to the strip club guess who was on the
pole. Aunt Fergie.
2. Jimmy Fallon: Religion is about to become extinct in 9 countries.
When people in those countries heard it they said, "Oh my Nobody! Are
you serious?"
1. Conan O'Brien: A woman
in Boston tried to get past airport security wearing a diaper stuffed
with 100 grams of cocaine. The giveaway was that her vagina kept
yelling, "Winning!"
The War for Late Night: When Leno Went
Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter 2010
Page 249 -
[Jerry Seinfeld on Jay's first show at 10 p.m.] "You know, in the
nineties, when we quit a show, we actually left."
251 - [Dave went to the D.A. and then before a grand jury when a man
tried to blackmail him. Then he told his TV audience.] "I have had sex
with women who work with me on this show," Dave said, this time to
silence. He recounted how the grand jury had asked whether this was
true. "Yes, I have," he said.
"Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would," he
said, adding his only real joke: "Especially for the women."
253 - Among Letterman's colleagues, friends, staff members, rivals, old
enemies, fans and nonfans alike, the reaction fell along similar lines:
Dave took a situation suffused in negative, even career-threatening,
connotations and somehow revealed it, dissected it, and neutralized it
in one remarkable performance. It was like a scene out of "The Hurt
Locker:" Letterman carefully, systematically defused a time bomb
sitting in his own lap. "He went right into it, cut the wires and
left," said a veteran staff member.
254 - [Dave] "It's fall in New York. I spent the weekend raking my hate
mail."
.
Monday, March 28
10. Jay Leno:
A 100-year-old man just married his 93-year-old girlfriend. On their
wedding night she slipped into something more comfortable: a coma.
9. Jimmy Fallon: A reporter in Florida claimed he was locked in a
closet by Joe Biden's staff to keep him from talking to people at an
event. It wouldn't have been so bad if Biden hadn't been locked in
there too for the same reason.
8. Jay Leno: Have you seen this ad on TV where you send this company
$10 and they'll send you 2 $2 bills, plus a certificate of authenticity
certifying that you are an idiot? You send them $10 and they send you
$4 back. You see why Americans are last in math?
7. Jimmy Kimmel: The creator of Super Glue died today at 94. Too bad.
He was this close to getting it off his fingers.
6. Jon Stewart: The desire by Middle Easterners for freedom is becoming
universal. An Egyptian cobra has escaped from the Bronx Zoo. It is 20
inches long and poisonous. They never should have allowed that
snake access to social media. But don't worry. Even if he comes to our
studio he'll never make it past the rats.
5. Conan O'Brien: General Electric did not pay any taxes at all last
year. Of course that's because G.E. reported its sale of NBC as a
charitable donation.
4. David Letterman: Lindsay Lohan is dropping her last name. From now
on she will just go by "Defendant." She'll be joining a lot of other
one-named celebrities in her field: Bonnie, Clyde, Dillinger, O.J.,
Manson, Capone, Gotti, Madoff. Yep, Lindsay's last name is gone. Just
like that necklace.
3. Jimmy Fallon: The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now
live in the U.S. You know what that means: 80 million Hispanic people
now live in the U.S.
2. Jay Leno: Quarterback Eli Manning and his wife just had a baby girl.
Eli handed out 10 cigars; 3 were intercepted.
1. Jimmy Fallon: There's a
new magazine for gay military members. It's mainly just photos of
privates.
I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry
Pratchett, Harper 2010
A wonderful story about
young witch
Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys
her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.
Page 74 - There hadn't been any battles here
for hundreds of years, but they still wore armor, because it seldom
needed mending and didn't wear out.
The door was pushed open by Brian, the sergeant. He wore a complicated
expression. It was the expression of a man who has just been told that
an evil witch, whom he has known since she was a kid, has killed his
boss, and boss's son is away, and the witch is still in the room, and a
nurse, whom he does not like very much, is prodding him on the bottom
and shouting, "What are you waiting for, man? Do your duty!"
All this was getting on his nerves.
75 - Always remember you are a witch, she told herself. Don't start
shouting your innocence. You know you are innocent. You don't have to
shout.
.
Friday, March 25 (Only Leno &
Fallon live.)
10. Jay
Leno: The Eiffel Tower was evacuated because of a suspicious package.
The French were baffled for hours. Turns out it was just a can of
deodorant. They'd never seen one.
9. Jimmy Fallon: An animal shelter in Illinois has put a dog named
Twitter up for adoption. Meanwhile a dog named My Space was taken to a
farm in the country where he can run and play forever.
8. Jay Leno: Michele Bachmann says she will launch her Presidential
campaign in either Massachusetts or New Hampshire as soon as she
figures out which is which. There could be some eligibility problems
for her. She has her birth certificate, but nobody can produce her high
school diploma.
7. Jimmy Fallon: Friday night thank yous: Thank you, Lady Gaga, for
stopping by Google headquarters for an interview. Now I can google
Gaga. [Singing] Ga-ga google Ga. Ga-ga google Ga.
6. Jay Leno: President Obama came back from South America and
couldn't get into the White House. The door was locked. So he called
Chris Brown on his cell phone to find the best way to break a window.
5. Jimmy Fallon: Friday night thank yous: Thank you, Chris Brown for
your new smash hit.
4. Jay Leno: Moammar Khadafy says of the no-fly zone, "In the short
term we will beat them, and in the long term we will beat them." Which
is Libyan for "Bring it. Winning. Bring it. Winning."
3. Jimmy Fallon: The soap opera "Days of Our Lives" is introducing a
gay story line for the first time in 45 years. It's about a guy who
watches the soap opera "Days of Our Lives."
2. Jimmy Fallon: Tomorrow night at 8:30 is Earth Hour, when people
are encouraged to switch off their lights for an entire hour. Or as the
Earth is putting it [in a deep sexy voice], "Well, hello."
1. Jay Leno: Does it
bother you, producing sperm in a lab? How many guys prefer fresh
squeezed?
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart explains Earth's
history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.
Page 45 - Soap: pubic hair magnet. Shower:
Humdrum morning ritual/unimaginable luxury, depending on where you were
from. Toothbrush: Sanitary dental scrubber prior to first use;
bacteria-strewn filth-stick thereafter. Air freshener: Because the
opposite of "feces" is "pine."
46 - Appearance: The superiority of inner beauty
to outward good looks was a pervasive cultural theme in our society,
especially among the less outwardly good looking. We often spoke of our
admiration for intelligence, honesty and humor as traits we wanted in a
mate. When we did so, our genitals would sigh and roll their eyes.
.
Thursday,
March
24
(O'Brien, Letterman & Ferguson in reruns.)
10. Jimmy Fallon: ABC is not
pressing charges against Chris Brown for smashing a window in his
dressing room. Microsoft is suing him for violating their patent on
crashing Windows.
9. Jay Leno: Dennis Kucinich even wants to impeach Obama, but there's a
very strong argument against that. It's called Joe Biden.
8. Jimmy Fallon: This week Steven Seagal rode in a tank with an Arizona
sheriff to arrest a cockfighting suspect. Even the stuff he does in
real life sounds like it's headed straight to video.
7. Stephen Colbert: Elizabeth Taylor has passed away. I guess I should
return this to the jeweler. [Showed a ring with a tiny diamond.]
6. Jimmy Fallon: MTV has renewed "The Real World" for its 27th and 28th
seasons. The cast of season 27 was actually conceived in the hot tub of
season 1.
5. Jay Leno: Seventeen days after Newt Gingrich insisted President
Obama should establish a no-fly zone over Libya, he's complaining that
Obama established a no-fly zone over Libya. It's the same as Newt's
policy on adultery. He can't make up his mind.
4. Jimmy Fallon: A study found Equador, Venezuela and Colombia have the
most well-endowed men in the world. The study was conducted by TSA
screeners at JFK's International Terminal. In a related story, did you
know my name is actually pronounced Yimmy Falyon?
3. Jay Leno: Harry Houdini's last surviving stage assistant just passed
away at 103. Her final words: "Ta da!"
2. Jimmy Kimmel: [President Obama returned from South America and found
the White House door locked.] The NFL players are locked out. President
Obama is locked out. When Black History Month is over, it's really over.
1. Jimmy Fallon: When
President Obama returned from South American and tried to get into the
Oval Office the door was locked. He said, "Holy cow, is it 2012
already?"
The Autobiography of Mark Twain,
2010
Page 217 - I
know how a boy looks, behind a yard-long slice of watermelon, and I
know how he feels, for I have been there. I know the taste of a
watermelon which has been honestly come by, and I know the taste of the
watermelon which has been acquired by art. Both taste good, but the
experienced know which tastes best. I know the look of green apples and
peaches and pears on the trees, and I know how entertaining they are
when they are inside of a person.
.
Wednesday,
March
23
(Ferguson in reruns.)
10. Conan O'Brien: When the Obamas
were in Chile their President said, "I think the First Lady of the
United States is very good-looking." So now we're at war with Chile.
Operation Lavender Mist.
9. Jon Stewart: The Fox reporter in Libya didn't go to the site, but
stayed in his hotel, Coward Johnson's.
8. Conan O'Brien: Barry Bonds' lawyer said his client was never aware
that he was taking steroids. Bonds thought it was natural for testicles
to be reabsorbed by the body.
7. Jimmy Fallon: Knut, that famous polar bear in the zoo in Germany
passed away this week. When asked how he died, Sarah Palin said
[looking shifty] "Oh, natural causes." Knut will be stuffed and put on
display, just like we did with Grandpa.
6. Jay Leno: AT&T is buying T-Mobile for $39 billion. Their new
slogan will be, "Hello? Hello? Damn it! Hello?"
5. Jimmy Kimmel: Dallas Cowboy wide receiver Dez Bryant was ejected
from a mall for wearing pants too low to the ground. He was there
visiting him mom, Lane Bryant. Witnesses said you could clearly see his
Cinnabons and his Baby Gap.
4. Conan O'Brien: The NAACP is interested in attracting leaders from
the gay community. That's why they've renamed themselves The National
Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People.
3. Jay Leno: The Pentagon says our
involvement in Libya has a definite end date. Do you believe that? We
still have troops in Germany.
2. Jimmy Kimmel: Charlie Sheen showed up a couple of nights ago and
kissed me on the lips. One home viewer was so upset by this that he
menaced his girlfriend with a gun. [Showed news reporter saying the
man's stint in prison had made him sensitive to homosexual behavior.]
He's probably not much of a "Glee" fan either. Now he's going back to
jail to be man-molested again. I have to make up for this. Maybe I'll
ask Jake Gyllenhaal to sign a copy of "Brokeback Mountain."
1. Conan O'Brien: Sarah
Palin in Israel asked the Israelis, "Why are you apologizing all the
time?" The Israelis said, "Because we told everybody Tina Fey was
coming."
Her Royal
Spyness by Rhys Bowen, Berkley
Prime Crime 2007
Plucky 24-year-old
virgin Lady Victoria
Georgiana Charlotte Eugenie is 34th in line to the British Throne and
penniless. Unable to stand her sister-in-law, she flees to the empty
family mansion in London. It's the early 1930s, and Queen Mary asks her
to go to a weekend house party and spy on Wallace Simpson, an American
divorcee who has designs on the Prince of Wales. Meanwhile, Georgiana's
brother Binky comes down from Scotland to meet a Frenchman to whom
their father gambled away the Scottish estate before committing
suicide. Georgiana discovers the Frenchman dead in their bathtub.
Page 136 - Our nemesis was lying dead in our
bath, and any policeman would leap to the conclusion that one of us
must have killed him. I didn't think I could persuade the police to
believe that a stranger had chosen our bathtub, out of the whole of
London, in which to commit suicide.
Would it be possible for Binky and me to remove the body and drop it
into the Thames when nobody was looking? One drowning would appear
pretty much like another. But it all seemed rather daunting: de
Mauxville was heavy in life, for one thing, and for another, we had no
loyal servants or means of transportation in London. I could hardly see
hiring a taxi and propping the body between us while saying, "The
Embankment, my good man, and make it a deserted stretch of river."
.
Tuesday,
March
22
(Ferguson in reruns.)
10. Jay Leno: CBS, which now
stands for "Come Back, Sheen", is trying to bring Charlie back to "Two
and a Half Men." Good behavior gets rewarded. Charlie knows how to
negotiate with network executives. He's had a lot of experience dealing
with whores.
9. Jay Leno: A South Carolina legislator introduced a bill to make it
illegal for prisoners to use Facebook. They're supposed to be doing
time, not wasting it.
8. Jimmy Kimmel: Barry Bonds is being tried for lying to a grand jury
when he claimed he never knowingly took performance enhancing drugs. If
he can prove steroids cause amnesia, I think he'll be OK.
7. Jimmy Kimmel: [Last night Charlie Sheen came on and gave Jimmy a big
kiss.] Charlie's lips taste like Cinnamon and Moonbeams. Those are the
girls he's dating, right? Luckily for me most hookers don't kiss.
Friends were all e-mailing me to boil my lips or use kerosene and light
them on fire. Actually Adonis DNA entered my mouth and went to my
heart, which started pumping tiger blood. Now I'm winning. It all felt
like a dream, a very gay dream. Last night I updated my Facebook status
from "Single" to "It's complicated."
6. Conan O'Brien: Chris Brown threw a chair through a window after an
interview on "Good Morning America." So I guess the big news is, Chris
Brown has been dating a chair.
5. Jimmy Kimmel: Chris Brown got mad during an interview on "Good
Morning America" and smashed a window in his dressing room with a
chair. I guess he's just not a morning person. Fortunately no one was
hurt by the falling glass, but the chair is now being represented by
Gloria Allred.
4. Jay Leno: Sammy Hagar has a new book where he says he was once
abducted by aliens. But it was all a big mix-up. The aliens thought
they were getting David Lee Roth.
3. Jimmy Kimmel: President Obama is in Chile. The President of Chile
said Michelle Obama is very good looking, and Obama said the same thing
about the Chilean President's wife. I'm not sure this is the kind of
trade agreement he went there to negotiate.
2. Jimmy Fallon: Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has changed his
status to "In a relationship." And that girl just changed her
relationship status to "Ka-ching."
1. David Letterman: We
have wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya. Our theater of war is a
multiplex.
The War for Late Night: When Leno Went
Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter 2010
Page 225 -
[Dave delivering a line sent him by Johnny Carson] "John Kerry, you
know, was criticized for throwing away his military service medals back
in the seventies. So, not to be outdone, today, President Bush threw
away his National Guard Spotty-Attendance Ribbon."
228 - Julia Roberts teased Dave about his marriage to Regina the
previous March, asking him, "Did she take your name?"
Dave said she did.
"So she's Mrs. Letterman?" Julia wanted to know.
"No," Letterman answered. "She's Dave."
.
Monday,
March
21
(Ferguson in reruns.)
10. Jimmy Fallon: A study found
elderly people lack the coordination to talk on their cell phones while
crossing the street. But, man, it's fun watching them try.
9. Conan O'Brien: There was an essay question on this year's SAT test
that asked about reality television. China has won.
8. Jay Leno: Rich people are buying Geiger counters. Poor people are
putting bags of microwave popcorn on the windowsill. If it starts
popping, get the hell out.
7. David Letterman: Fox is offering Charlie Sheen his own talk show at
11:30 at night. It's my own fault. I lowered the standard.
6. Stephen Colbert: Japandemonium
5. Conan O'Brien: Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem.
There was an awkward moment when she said, "So this is what keeps the
Mexicans out?"
4. Conan O'Brien: Tiger Woods has a new 22-year old girlfriend. Friends
describe her as outgoing, and someone who doesn't follow the news.
3. Jon Stewart: And aren't we out of money? You can't simultaneously
fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles.
2. Stephen Colbert: Barry Bonds' perjury trial started today, or as
Barry Bonds puts it, "No, it didn't."
1. David Letterman:
America's national pastime is underway: Barry Bonds' steroid trial.
Barry walked into court in San Francisco today in a really tight white
mini dress.
Her Royal
Spyness by Rhys Bowen, Berkley
Prime Crime 2007
Plucky 24-year-old virgin Lady Victoria
Georgiana Charlotte Eugenie is 34th in line to the British Throne and
penniless. Unable to stand her sister-in-law, she flees to the empty
family mansion in London. It's the early 1930s, and Queen Mary asks her
to go to a weekend house party and spy on Wallace Simpson, an American
divorcee who has designs on the Prince of Wales. Meanwhile, Georgiana's
brother Binky comes down from Scotland to meet a Frenchman to whom
their father gambled away the Scottish estate before committing
suicide. Georgiana discovers the Frenchman dead in their bathtub.
Page 33 - I suppose I should have mentioned that while one of my
grandparents was Queen Victoria's daughter, my only living grandparent
was a retired Cockney policeman who lived in a semidetached in Essex
with gnomes in the front garden.
.
Friday,
March
18
(Only Leno & Fallon were live.)
10. Jay Leno: Julianne Moore is
playing Sarah Palin in a movie about the 2008 election. They got an
unknown to play Levi Johnston. Levi Johnston.
9. Jimmy Fallon:
Friday night
thank-you notes: Thank you, passive aggression. I guess.
8. Jay Leno: A minuscule amount of
radiation reached L.A., and people ran out and bought gas masks and
radiation suits. Then they went to the tanning salon.
7. Jay Leno: A drive-thru sex toy store in Alabama is offering to
exchange old sex toys that run on batteries for new sex toys that are
solar powered. They say the new ones work fine and are more
environmentally friendly. The only down side, you have to masturbate on
the roof.
6. Jimmy Fallon: Friday night thank-you notes: Thank you, sleeveless
argyle sweater. Whenever you come out of the closet, so does the guy
wearing you.
5. Jimmy Fallon: There's new software that will show you what your
Facebook friends look like naked. In a totally unrelated story, today I
unfriended my Dad from Facebook. Oh, and in addition to the "Like"
button there's now an "Ah, yeah" button.
4. Jay Leno: Has March Madness gotten too big? This is CBS. The
President is coming out to announce the no-fly zone in Libya, something
very serious, possibly the start of another war, and look. He just gets
half the screen. They kept the game on!
3. Jimmy Fallon: A man in California was busted for smuggling a cell
phone into jail inside his rectum. It's pretty bad. He was butt-dialing
his friends all day. His friends were all, "Call me back, dude. It
sounds like crap."
2. Jimmy Fallon: A school in New Jersey named after President Obama
will close this summer due to low enrollment. That explains the
school's education plan: No Child Left.
1. Jay Leno: Tomorrow
night is a full moon scientists are calling a Super Moon. It'll be 30%
brighter because this is the closest the moon has come to Earth in 20
years. They're actually worried, because they have no idea what effect
this might have on Charlie Sheen.
Earth
(The
Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon
Stewart
explains
Earth's
history
to
the
aliens
who
have
discovered
our
ruins.
Page 44 - There was a time when
taste was completely in sync with our nutritional needs. Alas, our
tongues and our health stopped speaking some time around the invention
of the HotPocket.
Hearing was vital for communication, and even more vital for
miscommunication. It was distinct from listening, which could only be
achieved when hearing was combined with giving a shit. Hearing aids
were a convenient excuse for old people to ignore their grandchildren.
.
Thursday,
March
17
(Only Leno, Kimmel & Fallon were live.)
10. Jimmy Fallon: Police in
Malaysia found a shipment of 700,000 condoms that was stolen two months
ago. They say when they find the culprit the punishment will fit the
crime, or maybe be a little too big for it, but, hey, if it makes you
feel more confident ...
9. Jay Leno: Happy St. Patrick's Day, or as Michele Bachmann calls it,
the day George Washington drove the snakes across the Potomac River.
8. Jimmy Fallon: A stripper in Indiana was arrested for breaking
another stripper's arm in an argument over private dances. Patrons knew
something was wrong when the announcer said, "Now welcome to the stage
Phil the Paramedic.
7. Jimmy Kimmel: Hillary Clinton says if President Obama is reelected
she won't stay with the White House. This has to be the worst news Bill
has gotten since his cable system stopped carrying the Playboy Channel.
6. Jay Leno: Now Facebook has an automatic notifier to all their
friends when someone's relationship status changes. This beats the old
way guys found out a girl was single: seeing her in the grocery store
with a shopping cart full of Haagen Dazs.
5. Jimmy Kimmel: Today on St. Patrick's Day we had our annual mandatory
staff sexual harassment seminar, during which everyone was drunk and
pinching each other.
4. Jimmy Kimmel: Today is the day we honor St. Patrick, the patron
saint of public urination, who drove all the mother-effing snakes off
the mother-effing plane or whatever.
3. Jay Leno: A Chinese billionaire paid $1.5 million for a red Tibetan
mastiff. This dog is so spoiled that its chew toy is a mailman.
2. Jay Leno: Sarah Palin is going to Israel next week on a fact-finding
tour. She wants to find out things like where is it and who's their
king. She says she's very excited to visit the Wailing Wall, because
whaling is illegal in Alaska.
1. Jimmy Kimmel had Billy
Dee Williams offer Harry Baals Commemorative
Busts.
.
The Autobiography of Mark Twain,
2010
Page 213 -
"General" Gaines, who was our first town-drunkard before Jimmy Finn got
the place ...
215 - When teeth became touched with decay or were otherwise ailing,
the doctor knew but one thing to do; he fetched his tongs and dragged
them out. If the jaw remained, it was not his fault.
Dr. Meredith removed to Hannibal, by and by, and was our family
physician there, and saved my life several times. Still, he was a good
man and meant well. Let it go.
.
Wednesday,
March
16
(Stewart, Colbert, Handler & O'Brien were in reruns.)
10. Jimmy Fallon: Washington,D.C.
is the most socially networked city in the country, which is why you
could hear in the Senate today, "All in favor vote 'like.'"
9. Jimmy Kimmel: On his website Charlie says trolls need not apply for
tickets. They suffer from Sheenis envy.
8. Jay Leno: A study found the average woman owns 17 pairs of shoes,
none of which goes with the new outfit she just bought.
7. Jay Leno: Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the
Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in
Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in
states rights can't get her states right.
6. Craig Ferguson: I hate the tradition where you're supposed to pinch
anyone not wearing green. I did that once, and CBS made me watch the
sexual harassment video again. Admittedly when I did it it wasn't St.
Patrick's Day. And I was nude. But still, can't Andy Rooney take a
joke?
5. Craig Ferguson: In Chicago they dye the Chicago River green. They do
that on only one other day of the year, the day Oprah washes her money.
4. Jimmy Kimmel: A coal baron in China just bought a dog for $1.5
million, which is like $10 million in people money. It's a Tibetan
mastiff, one of the few dogs in the world that poops doubloons of gold.
And while $1.5 million may seem like a lot to pay for a dog, they say
it was delicious.
3. Jay Leno: On Twitter Justin Bieber said he is not shaving for a
month. No telling what his legs will look like by then.
2. Jay Leno: President Obama told middle school students that he was
always in trouble in the 8th grade. In fact, he was once sent to the
principal's office because he said the dog ate his birth certificate.
1. David Letterman: In Central Park
today I saw an elderly lady sitting on a bench feeding the squirrels.
To her pit bull.
The War for Late Night: When Leno Went
Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter 2010
Page 198 -
[2006 White House Correspondents Dinner] In one of his most quoted
lines, Colbert, citing Bush's then 32 percent approval rating said, "We
know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what
people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well-known liberal
bias"
215 - [Dave] "Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. I thought
this was nice. For their wedding night President Bush is loaning the
groom his 'Mission Accomplished' banner."
.
Tuesday,
March
15
(Stewart, Colbert, Handler & O'Brien were in reruns.)
10. Jimmy Fallon: Al Qaeda has
launched its own womens magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right
now, those ankles are totally airbrushed.
9. Jimmy Kimmel: Fort Wayne, Indiana, voted online to name their new
government center after former mayor Harry Baals, but the
administration is going to name it Citizen Square instead. [Jimmy
interviewed the mayor and asked him what his wife's maiden name was. It
was Kocks. Then Jimmy changed the name of his Hollywood theater to The
Harry Baals Theater.]
8. Jimmy Kimmel: Apparently Charlie Sheen is preparing to star in
"Major League 3." It's hard to believe, of the original stars, Wesley
Snipes is the one in prison right now. I hope the Academy does the
right thing and gives Charlie and Oscar, because that would be the
greatest acceptance speech ever made.
7. David Letterman: Now Charlie Sheen's doing a one-man show in
Detroit. At the end of the show all his personal demons will come out
and take a bow.
6. Craig Ferguson: I'm very excited tonight, and you know why? Because
I'm paid to be.
5. Jay Leno: President Obama held a meeting on bullying, and he
revealed that he himself is bullied every day, by Fox News.
4. Jimmy Fallon: This week in New York is the Clown Convention. You
should see the traffic out there. There's, like, one car.
3. Jimmy Kimmel: Between March Madness, Facebook and Twitter, the
average worker puts in 17 minutes a week. I had to bring migrant
workers in to take care of my Farmville account.
2. Jay Leno: Did anyone try setting their clock so far ahead you
wouldn't have to hear any more about Charlie Sheen?
1. David Letterman: A
woman in Virginia showed up in court with a monkey in her bra. Lindsay,
Lindsay, Lindsay!
I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry
Pratchett, Harper 2010
A wonderful story about
young witch
Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys
her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.
Page 67 - "These, however, are the real
shilling, if you'll excuse my little joke."
Tiffany excused his little joke, because she didn't get it.
68 - The Baron looked relieved. "Have you ever seen Death?"
She had been expecting this and was ready. "Usually you just feel him
passing, sir, but I have seen him twice, in what would have been the
flesh, if he had any. He's a skeleton with a scythe, just like in the
books -- in fact I think it's because that's what he looks like in the
books. He was polite but firm, sir."
.
Monday,
March
14
(Stewart, Colbert, Handler & O'Brien were in reruns.)
10. Craig Ferguson: In New York I
was actually in a play. There was no money, but I'd get to have love
scenes with young women. Turned out they were just pretend women. I
should have been tipped off by the title: "The Merchant of Penis." The
alternate title was "Romeo & Romeo." A very short play, but it had
a great sword fight.
9. Jay Leno: Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first
two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to
cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off.
When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart.
8. David Letterman: There's an NFL lockout. The owners and players can
only agree on one thing. The Super Bowl half-time show has got to be
better.
7. Jimmy Fallon: In a speech Obama said women earn 75 cents for each
dollar a man makes, to which Sarah Palin said, "Have you met Todd?"
6. Craig Ferguson: Al Pacino is a great Shakespearean actor, but you
can always tell it's him. "To thine own self be true-HAH!"
5. Craig Ferguson: If you look me up on Wikipedia you'll find I play
the harp and have 3 nipples, which is wrong. I actually have 5, 2 of
which are mine.
4. Jimmy Kimmel: I hope you're making it through this difficult
daylight saving time. I hate springing forward a lot more than I like
falling back, which is really the story of my whole life.
3. Jay Leno: They're saying Charlie Sheen's Twitter endorsements could
earn him a million dollars a year. That's enough money for Charlie to
party for a whole week. The first product he's endorsing is The
10,000-Hour Energy Drink.
2. David Letterman: I forgot to set my clock forward, so a lot of these
jokes might not be funny for another hour.
1. Jimmy Fallon: Talking to students today
President Obama said he always got in trouble in middle school. In
fact, he talked so much in class the teacher took away his teleprompter.
The War for Late Night: When Leno Went
Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter 2010
Page 161 -
[Conan is about to premiere on "The Tonight Show."] Word got to Jay
from the Letterman camp that a true television event could be set up
after he ended his "Tonight Show" run: They invited Jay to come on the
show as Dave's guest. A chance to relive old times and to begin a
rapprochement with Dave -- that had great appeal for Jay. But then the
Letterman people clarified the invitation: They wanted Jay to sit down
with Dave on the very night that Conan premiered. They didn't
consider it a personal attack on Conan, whom all the Letterman people
liked. It was simply business, a way to block a competitor right out of
the starting gate. Conan would surely be swamped, his debut reduced to
rubble by the monster late-night event over on CBS.
"I couldn't insult Conan that way," Jay said, in explaining how he had
declined the Letterman bookers.
.
Saturday Night Live,
March
12
Zach Galifianakis: I'll never
forget what my grandmother said to me just before she died. She said,
"What are you doing?"
Zach Galifianakis:
I'll be babysitting my sisters kids via Skype.
Zach Galifianakis:
I wear a lot of Axe Body Spray, but I live in a black neighborhood, so
it's called Ask Body Spray, and if you don't get that joke you're not
racist.
Seth Meyers: Pope
Benedict on Good Friday is going to answer 3 questions sent in by
viewers on Jesus. The real question, can he answer them faster than
IBM"s Watson?
Seth Meyers:
"Spiderman" on Broadway has set the record for most performances
without actually opening, a record previously held by my high school
girlfriend, Catholic Cathy.
Seth Meyers: Ohio's
old electric chair has been put on public display, but I think they're
asking for trouble by showing it in a Brookstone. Seth Meyers: Men with
deep voices are more likely to be suspected of being unfaithful, along
with men with suddenly high voices.
Seth Meyers: A
teacher had to resign after it became known she was a former porn star.
I'm just thinking of the explosion that goes off in a teenage boy's
head when his teacher shows up on the porn he's watching.
Zach Galifianakis
Opening Monologue
.
Scared Straight
(Adult material)
.
Weekend Update
Highlights
.
Friday,
March
11
(Only Craig Ferguson was live.)
6. - 10. No more good short jokes.
5. The "Twilight" movie was a whole new dimension of suck. There'd be a
buildup of tension, and then nothing happened. It was like porn without
the porny parts. It's like if the plumber came and fixed the sink, and
then got paid in money. It's like if the pizza actually got delivered.
4. Craig Ferguson: Two big movies open today. There's the alien
invasion movie "Battle L.A." and the fairy tale "Red Riding Hood." It's
very tough for me to choose. The straight male part of me wants to see
"Battle L.A." but the other 95% wants to see "Red Riding Hood," because
red cloaks are the new little black dress.
3. Craig Ferguson: A study showed that the distance between a man's
scrotum and his anus can accurately predict his sperm count. The study
also revealed the worst research job in the world. I'm not sure if it
was legitimate research or just a scientist who got caught by his wife.
2. Craig Ferguson: Why can't they switch to daylight savings during the
Oscar ceremonies?
1. Craig Ferguson: This
weekend we set the clocks ahead and lose an hour of our lives. It's
like nature's version of Facebook.
Earth
(The
Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon
Stewart
explains
Earth's
history
to
the
aliens
who
have
discovered
our
ruins.
Page 44 - There were two kinds of
touching: good and bad. Only one of them required the implementation of
a national computerized registry.
The invention of anesthesia made surgery more pleasant for patients but
less entertaining for doctors.
.
Thursday,
March
10
(Letterman, Leno, Kimmel & Fallon were in reruns.)
10. Craig Ferguson: A lot of
people on the "Forbes" list are landowners. The family of the actress
Nicole Kidman are the 8th largest landowners in the world. To be fair,
though, most of that land is on Nicole's forehead.
9. Craig Ferguson: If Bill Gates dropped a thousand-dollar bill, in the
4 seconds it would take him to reach down and pick it up, he'd have
already earned it back. So the lesson is, if you ever meet Bill Gates
you can just shake him 'til the money falls out.
8. Stephen Colbert: Peter King [head of the Congressional hearing on
the radicalization of American Muslims] is a fervent supporter of the
IRA. He grew up seeing people persecuted merely because of their faith.
American Muslims have no idea what that feels like.
7. Stephen Colbert: Al Qaeda is recruiting Americans. Well, at least
somebody's hiring.
6. Conan O'Brien: Charlie Sheen called his costar Jon Cryer a troll.
Here's Jon Cryer. Jon: "I should be thankful that I've been outed. At
last I'm free. For all you other trolls still living under the bridge,
especially you younger trolls, I'm here to tell you, it gets better.
Not gay better, but still sort of better."
5. Conan O'Brien: The richest man in the world is a man from Mexico.
Turns out he's Oprah's gardener.
4. Stephen Colbert: Islam's Sharia law covers diet, beliefs,
interpersonal relationships ... It's like 'Cosmo," only less demeaning
to women.
3. Craig Ferguson: When Bill Gates read "Forbes" list and found he
wasn't the richest man in the world he froze up, just like Windows
Vista. He would still be #1 if he hadn't wasted all that money on
charity.
2. Stephen Colbert: Rio's Carnival Festival has ended, and Rio's Go to
the Doctor and See what I Contracted Festival has just begun.
1. Conan O'Brien: After 60
years of service the Dalai Lama is stepping down as the political
leader of Tibet. He heard there was an opening on "Two and a Half Men."
The Autobiography of Mark Twain,
2010
Page 213- I know all about these coleoptera [bats],
because our great cave, three miles below Hannibal, was multitudinously
stocked with them, and often I brought them home to amuse my mother
with. It was easy to manage if it was a school day, because then I had
ostensibly been to school and hadn't any bats. She was not a suspicious
person, but full of trust and confidence and when I said,
"There's something in my coat pocket for you," she would put her hand
in. But she always took it out again, herself; I didn't have to tell
her. It was remarkable, the way she couldn't learn to like private
bats. The more experience she had, the more she could not change her
views ...
[The cave] was an easy place to get lost in;
anybody could do it ...
.
Wednesday,
March
9
(Letterman, Leno, Kimmel & Fallon were in reruns.)
10. Conan O'Brien: I am here to
break the media silence on Charlie Sheen.
9. Conan O'Brien: In China an annual St. Patrick's Day parade has been
canceled. Now the only question is, who's going to break the news to
Ming O'Sullivan?
8. Craig Ferguson: Julianne Moore is going to play Sarah Palin in an
HBO movie. Julianne said, "But I know nothing about politics," and the
producers said, "Perfect!"
7. Conan O'Brien: In a "N.Y. Times" interview Hugh Hefner reveals the
age at which he lost his virginity. Turns out it was the Bronze Age.
6. Stephen Colbert: As TV's leading Catholic I am observing Ash
Wednesday with these ashes on my forehead, symbolizing sacrifice,
penance and mortality. Basically, it's the hand stamp for God's
nightclub.
5. Conan O'Brien: Charlie has stopped blogging and is planning to go on
a road show, which will be pro-woman. Because any woman performing with
Charlie Sheen is likely to be a pro.
4. Jon Stewart: Pro-Lifers are saying African American women have 5
times as many abortions as white women. [Showed poster for a movie "The
Deadliest Snatch."]
3. Conan O'Brien: In Washington a man tried to resuscitate a dog using
CPR. At least that's what he told his wife he was doing.
2. Conan O'Brien: Newt Gingrich, who famously cheated on wife #2 with
now wife #3 says he prays for God's forgiveness. He also prays that
wife #3 never finds out about Vanessa.
1. Stephen Colbert: I'm
giving up Catholicism for Lent. It's a great sacrifice, but it just
shows my devotion to the great religion I no longer practice. [He wiped
the ashes off his forehead.] Wow, I feel so empty. Is this what
Unitarians feel like all the time?
I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry
Pratchett, Harper 2010
A wonderful story about young witch
Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys
her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.
Page 63 - "Very good. Incidentally, Miss Tiffany Aching, I cannot
conceal my interest in the fact that you do not curtsy in my presence
these days. Why not?"
"I am a witch now, sir. We don't do that sort of thing."
"But I am your Baron, young lady."
"Yes. And I am your witch."
.
Tuesday,
March
8
(Letterman, Leno, Kimmel & Fallon were in reruns.)
10. Conan O'Brien: Kim Kardashian
admitted she stormed out of a recording session for her new single
"Jam." Unfortunately, then she went back in.
9. Craig Ferguson: Mardi Gras is French and means Fat Tuesday. Of
course today you have to say Plus-Size Tuesday or Big-Boned Tuesday.
Odd. You'd think the French word for fat would be Depardieu.
8. Conan O'Brien: Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a
sequel to "The Terminator." In this one he travels back in time and
kills the person who suggested he run for Governor.
7. Conan O'Brien: Today residents of L.A. are voting on a tax on
anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes
the city could be solvent within 45 minutes.
6. Craig Ferguson: In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday
and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another
holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and
post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.
5. Craig Ferguson: The President and First Lady attended a
parent-teacher conference, and when they left, President Obama didn't
look very happy. Apparently Joe Biden's being held back a grade.
4. Stephen Colbert: In case you're unfamiliar with the term, journalism
is an old-time occupation like boot blacking or alchemy.
3. Conan O'Brien: In Florida a man was arrested for trapping his
girlfriend's mother inside a fold-out couch. The man could face a year
in prison and a lifetime of high-fives.
2. Stephen Colbert: Welcome back to the part of the program I'm legally
obligated to devote to Charlie Sheen, our new National Pastime.
1. Craig Ferguson: In New
Orleans tonight the streets are awash in necklaces. If only you could
have waited a few weeks, Lindsay Lohan.
Earth
(The
Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon
Stewart
explains
Earth's
history
to
the
aliens
who
have
discovered
our
ruins.
Page 44 - We perceived the outside
world using five senses. A few of us had a sixth, called gaydar, which,
while far less important, provided hours of bitchy fun.
Sight was the sense we used process visual imagery and to determine if
something made us look fat. People who could not see were blind, and
often used this as an excuse to urinate in their friends' closets. Many
people wore eyeglasses to compensate for overpopularity.
.
Monday,
March
7
(Letterman, Leno, Kimmel & Fallon were in reruns.)
10. Stephen Colbert: Airlines are
considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts
as a carry-on bag.
9. Jon Stewart: Del Monte has come out with the single-serve banana, a
single banana in a plastic bag. What function does the bag serve that
the peel did not? Were consumers upset at its biodegradability? "I ate
a banana, and there will be not permanent record of it on the earth."
8. Conan O'Brien: Today the Italian Prime Minister underwent 4 hours of
dental surgery. It was his 2nd-longest oral procedure of the day.
7. Conan O'Brien: Charlie Sheen says he's going to go to Haiti: "I want
to show them what a real disaster looks like."
6. Conan O'Brien: The Pork Council retired their slogan "Pork, the
other white meat." I'm not too thrilled with their new ad: "You
can die healthy [picture of salad] or you can die happy [picture of hot
dogs and bacon]. Either way you're going to die."
5. Stephen Colbert: The new iPad has a dual core A5 CPU. That means it
cannot run Flash 9 times faster.
4. Craig Ferguson: Clint Eastwood is the only guy who looks like a bad
ass wearing a poncho. when I wear a poncho it looks like Liza
Minnelli's head sticking out of a carpet.
3. Stephen Colbert: I'm upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee
criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen,
I'm no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we're
talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker.
2. Conan O'Brien: A flight attendant was fired from Virgin
Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the
baby did not fit under the seat.
1. Conan O'Brien: This is
the last voyage of the Space Shuttle, and President Obama called them
in space today: "You're not going to believe what's happening with
Charlie Sheen down here."
The Autobiography of Mark Twain,
2010
Page 213 -
... when they were "house-snakes" or "garters" we carried them home to
put them in Aunt Patsy's work-basket for a surprise; for she was
prejudiced against snakes, and always when she took the basket in her
lap and they began to climb out of it it disordered her mind. She never
could seem to get used to them; her opportunities went for nothing.
.
Saturday
Night
Live,
March
5
Seth Meyers: To honor the role
social media played in the recent uprising an Egyptian man named his
daughter Facebook, because he sure wasn't going to name her Zuckerberg.
Seth Meyers' guest The Devil: "I
hate gays, but I can't stay mad at them.
Seth Meyers: Ghadafy considers
himself a ladies man, calling himself the President of Labia.
Seth Meyers: When I
said "Mom
Prom" my penis went up inside me.
SNL Opening: Charlie Sheen hosts
"Duh! Winning!" with guests including Lindsay Lohan and Moammar Khadafy.
.
CBS Gurney Month
.
Weekend Update Favorites
.
Friday,
March
4
10. Craig Ferguson: Lindsay
Lohan's brother is dropping Lohan as his last name because he feels
it's become an albatross around his neck. Which means Lindsay will be
stealing it. She was just trying on the albatross.
9. Craig Ferguson: The new Matt Damon movie "The Adjustment Bureau" is
coming out. The studio is advertising it as romantic science fiction,
sort of "When the Matrix Met Sally."
8. Jimmy Fallon: A man in West Virginia was arrested for planting
explosives in his yard to scare away cats. He was charged with 3 counts
of Being From West Virginia.
7. Jimmy Fallon: Panasonic is coming out with a new camera that can
brighten your teeth, remove dark circles, make your eyes bigger and
your cheeks rosier. When she heard that Heidi Montag said, "I could
have just bought a camera?"
6. Jay Leno: Republican Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee-Ess is
attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being
married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and
Bristol Palin at Fox News.
5. Jay Leno: Police in North Carolina found a meth lab operating out of
a child daycare center. Good luck getting those kids to take a nap.
It's the only meth lab where the dealers have fewer teeth than the
customers.
4. Jimmy Fallon: A woman in Texas gave birth in the parking lot of a
strip club. The baby wasn't in the mood to breast feed, but there was a
2 drink minimum. It was crazy. When the baby came out it started
working the umbilical cord.
3. Jimmy Fallon: [A woman in Texas
gave birth in the
parking lot of a strip club.] When he came out they stamped the baby's
hand in case he wanted to go back in. Sidekick Higgins: Did the baby
get a special dance in the Champagne Womb?
2. Craig Ferguson: In "The
Adjustment Bureau" the Bureau is guys who can stop time, sort of like
James Franco did at the Oscars.
1. Jay Leno: Brigham Young
University kicked their star player off the basketball team because he
had premarital sex with his girlfriend. Would that be a testicle foul?
I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry
Pratchett, Harper 2010
A wonderful story about young witch
Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys
her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.
Page - 50 - It was impossible to embarrass a Feegle. They just couldn't
grasp the idea.
61 - You had to be the center of the seesaw so that pain flowed through
you, not into you. It was very hard. But she could do it! She prided
herself on it; even Granny Weatherwax had grunted when Tiffany had
shown her one day how she had mastered the trick. And a grunt from
Granny Weatherwax was like a round of applause from anybody else.
.
Thursday,
March
3
10. Jimmy Fallon: The U.S. has
more obese people than Canada. Or maybe we just look fatter because our
flag has horizontal stripes.
9. Jimmy Fallon: A study found the U.S. government spends more than $5
billion on redundant programs. A study found the U.S. government spends
more than $5 billion on redundant programs.
8. Jay Leno: Happy people talk a lot more than unhappy people. You know
what would make unhappy people happy? If happy people would just shut
up.
7. Jimmy Kimmel: Apparently monkeys will douse themselves with their
own urine in order to attract a mate. I'd be astonished if Oprah did
this, but these are monkeys. Here's a clip of some female monkeys.
[Showed clip from "Jersey Shore" of 2 of the women peeing in a parking
lot, one of them on the other's foot.]
6. Conan O'Brien: Snooki says she thinks her show "Jersey Shore" makes
her look bad. She blames it on the fact that the show has cameras and
microphones.
5. Jimmy Fallon: Inmates in Virginia who refuse to cut their hair are
being moved to a maximum security prison. "I'm here for triple
homicide. What about you?" "I wanted to keep my bangs."
4. Jay Leno: Jessica Simpson's
various product lines are expected to gross over a billion dollars this
year. How embarrassing is this for President Obama, that Jessica
Simpson has a better business plan than he does?
3. Conan O'Brien: Charlie Sheen beat out Oprah for fastest million
Twitter followers. Listen, Charlie, drugs and alcohol were one thing.
Now you're playing with fire.
2. Jay Leno: A woman in California and her husband had a fight. He
jumped in the car. She jumped on the hood. He drove 40 miles at speeds
of up to 100 miles an hour. You know what the fight was about? He
claimed she was too clingy.
1. Craig Ferguson: I
recently stayed in a hotel with a mirror on the ceiling right above the
bed. I woke up in the middle of the night terrified. "My God, there's
an out-of-shape old man stuck to my ceiling, and he has a massive
penis."
The Autobiography of Mark Twain,
2010
Page 211 -
... a divine place for wading, and it had swimming pools too, which
were forbidden to us and therefore much frequented by us. For we were
little Christian children, and had early been taught the value of
forbidden fruit.
212 - in my schoolboy days I had no aversion
to slavery. I was not aware that there was anything wrong about it. No
on arraigned it in my hearing; the local papers said nothing against
it; the local pulpit taught us that God approved it, that it was a holy
thing, and that the doubter need only look in the Bible if he wished to
settle his mind -- an then the texts were read aloud to us to make the
matter sure; if the slaves had an aversion to slavery they were wise
and said nothing. In Hannibal we seldom saw a slave misused; on the
farm, never.
.
Wednesday,
March
2
10. Conan O'Brien: Oprah has been
invited by the new government in Egypt to do a show from Cairo. So
they're replacing one power-mad 30-year tyrant with another.
9. Craig Ferguson: You always have to mention Dallas and Fort Worth
together or they get mad. They're like the Olsen twins, Ashley and
Osama.
8. Conan O'Brien: Keith Richards' daughter was arrested in New York for
writing graffiti on a wall. You'd think she would have known better,
given that she's 78 years old.
7. Jay Leno: On "The Bachelor" Brad is down to 2 women, 1 rose. Time to
choose. He said, "I'll keep 'em both. Winning. Bring it."
6. Jimmy Kimmel: This is our 1,500th show tonight. It just shows what
you can do with a photo of an ABC executive naked with a transvestite.
5. Jimmy Kimmel: On our 1st show I buried something under the stage to
be opened on our 1,500th show. [He pried up a floorboard.] Oh, here's a
letter. "Dear Self, You'll never make it. You should follow up on that
idea of creating a social network called Facebook." Oh, and there's
some bacon in here too.
4. Jay Leno: A California couple were having an argument. He jumped
into the car. She jumped on the good. He took off and drove 40 miles at
100 miles an hour. Ironically, you know what they were fighting about?
He never takes her anywhere.
3. Jimmy Fallon: The iPad 2 was unveiled today, and it features 2
cameras. It's great. Now you can film everyone rolling their eyes at
you.
2. Jay Leno: Last night police removed Charlie Sheen's 2-year-old twins
from his house. Charlie's really upset. Where's he going to get clean
urine for his next drug test?
1. Conan O'Brien: A lock
of Justin Bieber's hair sold on eBay today for over $40,000. Do you
think I should frame it or make it into a bracelet?
Earth
(The
Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart explains Earth's
history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.
Page 43 - Some claimed
homosexuality could be "cured" through fervent prayer to a semi-naked
thirtysomething man tied to a cross and whipped by men dressed as Roman
centurions.
.
Tuesday,
March
1
10. Jimmy Fallon: On Piers Morgan
Charlie Sheen brought out a drug test to prove that he's clean. Then he
answered some questions to prove that he's not.
9. Conan O'Brien: New Hampshire is debating a bill that would classify
some airport screenings as sexual assault. Meanwhile, California is
classifying those screenings as "doing what you have to do to get the
part."
8. Jimmy Fallon: Lady Gaga is coming out with a perfume that she says
smells like an expensive hooker, and contains a sample of her own
blood. Because when a woman puts on perfume she wants to hear, "Pardon
me, but are you a bleeding hooker?" "No. I just smell like one."
7. Jimmy Fallon: A U.S. Ambassador called Moammar Khadafy delusional
and separated from reality. When he heard that, Khadafy said, "Duh.
Winning."
6. Jimmy Kimmel: Charlie just started tweeting today and already has
400,000 followers. He listed his occupation as "unemployed winner."
[Jimmy listed all the shows Charlie has been on in the last 2 days.]
It's almost like he's some kind of addict.
5. Jay Leno: On the "Today" show Charlie Sheen said you can't compare
him to other people, because he has tiger blood. Then Tiger Woods went,
"I have Charlie Sheen blood. That's what happened. Now it all makes
sense."
4. Jay Leno: Christina Aguilara was arrested for public intoxication. I
won't say she was out of it, but she was DEMANDING to be allowed to go
back to work on "Two and a Half Men."
3. David Letterman: If they catch you smoking outdoors in New York City
it's a $50 fine. Same as murder. Smoke from automatic weapons fire, not
a problem.
2. Conan O'Brien: There's a new Ferrari that seats 4 people. At last
the whole family can benefit from Dad's small penis.
1. Jon Stewart: Sarah
Palin was so accomplished as Governor she graduated early.
I
Shall
Wear
Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010
A
wonderful
story
about
young
witch
Tiffany
Aching,
who
must
destroy
a
horrible
menace
before
it
destroys
her.
Author
Sir
Terry
Pratchett
has
sold
over
65,000,000
books.
Page 34 - Rob Anybody clearly noticed this, because he turned to his
brother and said, "Ye will bring tae mind, brother o' mine, that there
was times when ye should stick you head up a duck's bottom rather than
talk?"
Daft Wullie looked down at his feet. "Sorry, Rob, I couldn't find a
duck just noo."
43 - It was almost impossible to hurt a Feegle. Any human who tried to
stamp on a Feegle would find that the little man he thought was under
his boot was now in fact climbing up his trouser leg, and after that
the day could only get worse.
.
March
Strangies
Tuesday, March 1 Strangie to Jon Stewart: Sarah Palin was
so accomplished as Governor she graduated early.
Wednesday, March 2 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien: A lock of Justin Bieber's hair sold on eBay today for over
$40,000. Do you think I should frame it or make it into a bracelet?
Thursday, March 3 Strangie to Craig
Ferguson: I recently stayed in a hotel with a mirror on the
ceiling
right above the bed. I woke up in the middle of the night terrified.
"My God, there's an out-of-shape old man stuck to my ceiling, and he
has a massive penis."
Friday, March 4 Strangie to Jay
Leno:
Brigham
Young
University
kicked
their
star
player
off
the
basketball
team
because
he
had
premarital
sex
with
his
girlfriend.
Would
that
be
a
testicle
foul?
Monday, March 7 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien:
This
is
the
last
voyage
of
the
Space
Shuttle,
and
President
Obama
called
them
in
space
today:
"You're
not
going
to
believe
what's
happening
with
Charlie
Sheen
down
here."
Tuesday, March 8 Strangie to Craig
Ferguson: In New Orleans tonight the streets are awash in necklaces. If
only you could have waited a few weeks, Lindsay Lohan.
Wednesday, March 9 Strangie to Stephen
Colbert: I'm giving up Catholicism for Lent. It's a great sacrifice,
but it just shows my devotion to the great religion I no longer
practice. [He wiped the ashes off his forehead.] Wow, I feel so empty.
Is this what Unitarians feel like all the time?
Thursday, March 10 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien: After 60 years of service the Dalai Lama is stepping down as
the political leader of Tibet. He heard there was an opening on "Two
and a Half Men."
Friday, March 11 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: This weekend we
set the clocks ahead and lose an hour of our lives. It's like nature's
version of Facebook.
Monday, March 14 Strangie to Jimmy
Fallon: Talking to students today President Obama said he always got in
trouble in middle school. In fact, he talked so much in class the
teacher took away his teleprompter.
Tuesday, March 15 Strangie to David Letterman: A woman in Virginia
showed up in court with a monkey in her bra. Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay!
Wednesday, March 16 Strangie to David Letterman: In Central Park
today I saw an elderly lady sitting on a bench feeding the squirrels.
To her pit bull. Thursday,
March 17 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel, who had
Billy Dee Williams offer Harry Baals Commemorative Busts.
.
Friday,
March 18 Strangie to Jay Leno: Tomorrow night is a full moon scientists
are calling a Super Moon. It'll be 30% brighter because this is the
closest the moon has come to Earth in 20 years. They're actually
worried, because they have no idea what effect this might have on
Charlie Sheen.
Monday March 21 Strangie to David
Letterman: America's national pastime is underway: Barry Bonds' steroid
trial. Barry walked into court in San Francisco today in a really tight
white mini dress.
Tuesday, March 22 Strangie toDavid Letterman: We have wars in
Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya. Our theater of war is a multiplex.
Wednesday, March 23 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien: Sarah Palin in Israel asked the Israelis, "Why are you
apologizing all the time?" The Israelis said, "Because we told
everybody Tina Fey was coming."
Thursday, March 24 Strangie to Jimmy
Fallon: When President Obama returned from South American and tried to
get into the Oval Office the door was locked. He said, "Holy cow, is it
2012 already?"
Friday, March 25 Strangie to Jay Leno: Does it bother you, producing sperm
in a lab? How many guys prefer fresh squeezed?
Monday, March 28 Strangie to Jimmy
Fallon: There's a new magazine for gay military members. It's mainly
just photos of privates.
Tuesday, March 29 Strngie to Conan
O'Brien: A woman in Boston tried to
get past airport security wearing a diaper stuffed with 100 grams of
cocaine. The giveaway was that her vagina kept yelling, "Winning!"
Wednesday, March 30 Strangie to Jay
Leno: In England a couple met through an
internet dating service, fell in love, and then found out they were a
long-lost brother and sister. On the plus side, it takes a lot of
pressure off meeting the parents.
Thursday, March 31 Strangie to Jay
Leno: The airlines lost 29 million bags
last year. They ask us all those questions. We should be the ones
asking the questions. "Do you have our bags? Have you let them out of
your sight? Did you put them on the plane yourselves?"
For each day's top
10 late-night zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim
