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America's Late-Night-TV Zingers, March 2010

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim
(San Francisco's Town Fool for the odd quarter century)

Wednesday, March 31 Strangie: David Letterman: "President Obama opened the whole East Coast to drilling. The West Coast will be taken care of by Jesse James."

March Strangies: Fallon 7, Letterman 6, Kimmel 4, Leno 4, Ferguson 2

 

Monday, March 1 Strangie: David Letterman: "At the Winter Olympics the U.S. won the medal in downhill economy."

Tuesday, March 2 Strangie: Jimmy Fallon: "People are really upset that the Bachelor picked the unpopular woman, Vienna. John McCain said, 'It happens.'"

Wednesday, March 3 Strangie: Craig Ferguson: "An air traffic controller at JFK let his son get on the mic. It's the worst case of Bring Your Child to Work since Woody Allen. Too soon? Or too Soon Yi?"

Thursday, March 4 Strangie: Jimmy Fallon: "The Senate decided not to send $250 to the elderly because they'd just spend it on drugs."

Friday, March 5 Strangie: Jimmy Fallon: "Tiger and Elin are living together again. He's just hoping she'll be willing to put on some wigs."

Sunday, March 7 Oscar/Kimmel Strangie: Jimmy Kimmel for his all-star video "Handsome Men's Club."

Monday, March 8 Strangie: Jimmy Fallon: "The Oscars was director James Cameron's own personal 'Hurt Locker.'"

Tuesday, March 9 Strangie: Craig Ferguson: "Tomorrow morning here on CBS Harry Smith will have a live colonoscopy. I had to do something similar to get this job."

Wednesday, March 10 Strangie: David Letterman: "Eric Massa says he groped and tickled a male staffer, but not sexually. He doesn't need to resign. He needs to be transferred to a different parish."

Thursday, March 11 Strangie: David Letterman: "Today is Barbie's birthday. She's the pretty plastic doll who didn't run with John McCain."

Friday, March 12 Strangie: Jimmy Fallon: "A member of Al Qaeda worked for three different nuclear power plants in New Jersey. New Jersey has three nuclear power plants? That explains Snooki."

Monday, March 15 Strangie: No jokes funny enough to win.

Tuesday, March 16 Strangie: David Letterman: "Did you see Harry Smith's colonoscopy on 'The Early Show?' Harry got a clean bill of health, and they found Conan."

Wednesday, March 17 Strangie: David Letterman, who showed two or three clips each of newscasters saying about Eric Massa: "Groping." "Tickling." :Tickle parties." "Snorkeling." And then Glenn Beck saying, "Fondling a cat."

Thursday, March 18 Strangie: Jay Leno: "President Obama was on Fox News yesterday to push health care. That's like George Bush appearing on The Learning Channel."

Friday, March 19 Strangie: Jimmy Fallon: "In the new movie 'Repo Man' Jude Law will rip out your organs if you can't keep up the payments. Like your insurance company."

Monday, March 22 Strangie: Jimmy Kimmel: "Health care has been extended to millions more Americans, or as Republicans call it, Armageddon."

Tuesday, March 23 Strangie: Jay Leno: "Today President Obama signed into law the historic health care bill, or as he likes to call it, the Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act."

Wednesday, March 24 Strangie: Jimmy Kimmel: "Sandra Bullock, see what happens when you take an Oscar away from Meryl Streep."

Thursday, March 25 Strangie: Jimmy Kimmel: "Defense Secretary Robert Gates is changing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' to 'If He's Gay, Look Away'. Now the only place where gays can get thrown out is 'Project Runway.'"

Friday, March 26 Strangie: Jay Leno: "A new sex scandal is rocking the Catholic Church. Is it spring already?"

Monday, March 29 Strangie: Jimmy Fallon: "The first wedding was held at Citi Field. You could tell it was at Citi Field because no one caught the bouquet."

Tuesday, March 30 Strangie: Jay Leno: "The other big story is the policy of 'Don't Ask. Don't Tell.' But enough about the Vatican."

Wednesday, March 31 Strangie: David Letterman: "President Obama opened the whole East Coast to drilling. The West Coast will be taken care of by Jesse James."

Monday, March 1

The Strangie goes to David Letterman: "At the Winter Olympics the U.S. won the medal in downhill economy."

Jon Stewart: "Canada, you are the Kings and Queens of the Ice, but I have one thing to say to you. Spring's coming."

Stephen Colbert: Stephen was in the figure skating box awaiting his scores. He beat Bob Costas for the gold medal. "You know two things about me. I am not a fan of the President, and I am not an egomaniac, but last week the President mentioned me twice." Showed clips of the President mentioning him. On the Health Care Summit: "The only way it could have been more boring was if they'd been curling."

Jay Leno Premiere back at 11:35: "I'm Jay Leno and I'm back, for a while. I'm a little nervous because I know Dave and Oprah are watching." "Did you see the airlines are now charging to put you on standby? It's no longer standby. It's stand and bend over." "There are now Chocolate Cheerios. I guess those are Cheneyos. Dick Cheney had his fifth heart attack." Showed clip of President Bush pulling up to visit him in a hearse. "Keanu Reeves has signed on to star in 'Speed 3.' The first one was a runaway bus. The second one was a boat. This one's a Toyota." "Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods. He was seeing five other drinks. Tiger's going back to Buddhism. He's been doing Bootyism."

David Letterman: "I'm Dave Letterman, same time, same host." "Another blizzard in New York. The only people outside are postal workers and smokers. I saw an elderly woman struggling to shovel her walk, and it was just tragic. I had to close my curtains. 'Don't use your back, lady! Use your legs!'" "New York Governor Patterson says he won't run for reelection. I got a call from Jay who says he has nothing to do with it." "President Obama's physical went fine until a couple of uninvited guests showed up for the colonoscopy." "Dick Cheney had his fifth heart attack, and now he goes up against Larry King for the gold medal." "You know, Tiger Woods would be the perfect spokesman for an energy drink." "All I know of ice skating was Sonja Henie. For years I wanted to be Sonja Henie, and now there's Apollo Anton Ohno. They asked him if he wanted to skate professionally, and he said no, he was going to open a skate rental shop, because that's where the big money is." Dave to guest Bill Murray: "And there was a 'Ghost Busters 2?" Bill: "Technically." Bill was in New York recording the "Ghost Busters" video game. He came out of the studio singing "The Ghostbusters Song" and a passerby said, "Get over it, pal." Top 10 Signs You Have Olympics Withdrawal: "9. You exercise on Nordictrack with a rifle strapped to your back." "5. You're curling on your patio with a Swiffer and a fruit cake." "2. Brushing your teeth involves an opening and closing ceremony."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The Bachelor has picked the girl with whom he'll spend March, maybe April. Her name's Vienna, and she and his mom hated each other, but in the end her little canned sausages put her over the top. Jake the Bachelor has a hard time making even simple decisions."

Jimmy Fallon First Anniversary: "When we started, Jay Leno was still hosting 'The Tonight Show.'" "Bobsledding is the only sport that lets us know what it's like to drive a Toyota." "Two flight attendants got into a fight, and the airline canceled the flight. Their only alternative would have been to upgrade everyone to All Up in Your Business Class." "Men are more likely to get STDs when they travel. So if you ask your boyfriend if he brought you anything, don't be surprised if he says, 'Sort of.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Over the weekend I performed in Thackerville, Oklahoma and Austin, Texas, which is Texas for liberals. Oklahoma is very flat. It's like Holland with guns. I performed at a lone Indian casino. It was a little sad, because before the white man came it was solid casinos." "I said, 'A facade? You mean like my self-confidence?' And he said, 'No, like your sexuality.'" "I ordered ribs and they brought me a whole rib cage. They put you inside and you eat your way out." "In both the hotels I stayed at there was no porn. I know! What kind of classy hotels were these? I hardly knew what to do with myself." "You know how many cars most late-night host have? About fifty. You know how many cars I have? One. One for each house, which is also one." "Computer printers never work. And it's always when you want to print it out and give it to the officer."

Jerry Seinfeld on Oprah: "Being on your show is like being inside a female body part. You just surf the estrogen."

February 27, Saturday Night Live: Seth Meyers: "Though he believes the health care system is broken, President Obama risked serious injury by banging his head against a wall for seven hours in a Health Care Summit." "Gatorade dropped Tiger Woods as a spokesperson after realizing his thirst will never be quenched." "GM has discontinued the Hummer, so now you'll just have to go door-to-door and tell people you're an ahole." "A woman was saved when a bullet lodged in her love handles, which then went back to slowly killing her." "New York Governor David Paterson said, 'Finding corruption in my administration is like finding a needle in a needle store.'"


Nero Wolfe has to find the murderer of a woman wearing golden spider earrings.

As I went across the office to my desk, and dialed the number of Manhattan Homicide West, I was reflecting that of all Wolfe's thousand techniques for making himself obnoxious the worst was when he thought he was being funny.

She was about my age, which was not ideal, but I have nothing against maturity if it isn't overdone.

"I repeat the question."
"I answer it. Nero Wolfe is investigating the murder of Mrs. Fromm with his accustomed vigor, skill, and laziness."

Tuesday, March 2

The Strangie goes to Jimmy Fallon: "People are really upset that the Bachelor picked the unpopular woman, Vienna. John McCain said, 'It happens.'"

Jay Leno: The show opened with Sarah Palin showing the writing on her hand: "Welcome to the Tonight Show." "Russia is unhappy about their poor showing in the Winter Olympics, so they're going back to their old system of using women with penises." "President Obama had his annual physical, and he's in a lot better shape than the country." "GM is recalling over a million cars for a steering problem. They can't get out of the way of runaway Toyotas." "A Florida doctor was having sex with a patient in her home and then billing Anthem Blue Cross. Isn't that unbelievable, a doctor who makes house calls?" "An Australian couple were arrested for having sex in their car at the gas pump. I've done that. Well, it was self-service." Headlines: "Animal Shelter Teams Up with Local Restaurant." "Home Schooled Student Suspended." Ad for "Clarence Sale." Ad for "Soft & Genital Bath Tissue."

David Letterman: "Mitt Romney's on the show. He's that good-looking Senator from Massachusetts, a lot like the new Senator from Massachusetts, but with pants." "President Obama had his physical, and Dick Cheney went in for his annual autopsy. The doctor told Obama to quit smoking and stay out of Toyotas. George W. Bush said he used to enjoy a cigar on rare occasions because it helped him think. Occasions don't get any rarer than that." "Now some Toyotas have an oil leak. The good news is that eventually all the oil leaks out, the engine overheats and explodes, and then you can finally stop." "Our New York Governor David Paterson may step down. Something like this hasn't happened in New York in months. The good news is that I'm no longer New York's most embarrassing Dave." "A church in France has started letting you phone in your confessions. 'If you've coveted your neighbor's wife, press one.' I just Twitter my sins." "O.J. Simpson called the Smithsonian and wanted to donate the suit he was wearing when he was acquitted. He said, 'Honestly, it's the only thing I've got without bloodstains.' O.J.'s generous like that. He donated his knife to the L.A. sewer system." "The main runway at JFK is closed for four months. Good news, the Hudson River is still open. The runway work is being done by the same company that does reconstruction work on Regis." "Top 10 Things Going Through Evan Lysacek Mind While Figure Skating: "4 . I wish someone could find a way to combine ice skating and sweeping."

Jimmy Kimmel: "On tonight's 'Lost' John Locke was revealed as the embodiment of evil. He blocked unemployment benefits for millions of people." "Kate Gosselin is a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars. She's going to nag the other contestants until they quit." "Tiger Woods is back in Florida. They're making him wear a monitoring bracelet, but not on his ankle. Bill Clinton called Tiger. I don't know whether I'd rather have listened in on that conversation or Elin talking with Hillary." "We'll be having our annual show Sunday night after the Oscars. We're offering limo drivers $5,000 for delivering winners to our studio."

Jimmy Fallon: "In Texas it took police thirty minutes to corral a goat in a Taco Bell parking lot. Taco Bell said that usually the ingredients don't get loose." "Surgeons removed a flash drive from the stomach of a man who swallowed it when he was being arrested. The alternative was a file dump." "Shaq had surgery for a thumb problem. In fact they amputated his thumb and replaced it with a regular man's leg." "A prison is letting prisoners compete in their own version of 'American Idol.' However, they won't be doing 'The Amazing Rape' with Jeff Probe."

Craig Ferguson: "The Post Office wants to stop Saturday deliveries. That's the only day I'm home to answer the door with my bathrobe open. 'You have a package for me? I have a package for you.'" "Lady Gaga announced that she's celibate, and I went, 'Wow, that's what happens when you dress like the furniture in Liberace's house." "I'm just a poop chunk in this showbiz river of crap. Poop Chunk was my rap name, but I changed it to Poop Diddy." "They say you should work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like nobody's watching. I dance like I've been hurt, work on this show where nobody's watching, and make love like I need the money. That's pretty good. It's not going to fit in with the rest of the show." Guest Steven Wright: "Do you have to know the people you twitter with?" Craig: "No, it's like sex in the 70s."


Nero Wolfe has to find the murderer of a woman wearing golden spider earrings.

"In those activities the police are using a hundred men, or a thousand - all of them trained, and some of them competent."

Dennis Horan was a little too much. His eyelashes were a little too long, and he was a little too tall for his width, and a little too old for campus tailoring. He needed an expert job in toning down, but since he had apparently spent more than forty years toning up I doubted if he would consider an offer.

"Archie?"
"No thank you. Beer likes me, but I don't like it."

 

Wednesday, March 3

The Strangie goes to Craig Ferguson: "An air traffic controller at JFK let his son get on the mic. It's the worst case of Bring Your Child to Work since Woody Allen. Too soon? Or too Soon Yi?"

Jon Stewart: "I'm afraid Mitt Romney's going to be Gore to Palin's Bush."

Heather McDonald on "Chelsea Lately:" "I spent years blueballing a lot of guys for free meals."

Stephen Colbert: "Senator Jim Bunning held up Congress for a principle. That principle? 'Eat s**t!'"

Jay Leno: "A child was allowed to direct air traffic at JFK. Authorities became suspicious when five planes landed in the parking lot of Toys 'R' Us. The Chinese said, 'Children directing air traffic? Why didn't we think of that?'" "Two hundred British flight attendants have been arrested for prostitution. Just first class. In coach you got a Victoria's Secret catalog and a Wet Nap." "The Chairman of the House Ways & Means Committee is being investigated for ethics violations. So far they've found absolutely zero ethics." "Model Naomi Campbell has been accused of beating up her driver, who, oddly enough, was Chris Brown." "Our guest tonight is Apolo Anton Ohno, who got three Olympic medals, two more than the entire country of England." "It may rain at the Oscars, which is not good news. Have you ever smelled a wet Mickey Rourke?" "The last speaker of a native language has died. Her last words were ... Well, we don't know." To the "Jersey Shore" cast: "Name the J.D. Salinger book 'Catcher in the ..." Snooki: "Closet?" Showed a clip of guest Chelsea Handler talking to Betty White: "Cloris Leachman called you a slut: " Betty: "Doesn't everybody?" When Chelsea came on she said, "I smell moose. Oh that's right, you had Sarah Palin on last night."

David Letterman: "The Post Office wants to stop delivering on Saturday. One less day of hate mail. I don't like the e-mail. I don't trust mail you don't lick." "People want New York Governor David Paterson to resign. It's good to see a 'Fire Dave' rally that isn't about me. They're trying to figure out how to get him to leave office early. Sounds like a job for Jay Leno. Paterson says he won't run for reelection but will serve his current term to the very end. Did you hear that, Sarah?" "Rush Limbaugh is selling his New York apartment. The local Dunkin' Donuts immediately went out of business. It's a penthouse apartment with a very narrow view of everything."
Top Ten Reasons Barbara Walters Won't Be Doing Any More Academy Awards Specials: 10. Everyone I want to interview is in rehab. 9. Tired of fending off George Clooney's clumsy advances. 8. I've forgotten how to make people cry. 2. I was pushed out by Jay Leno. 1. I'll do another special when Dave hosts the Academy Awards again.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Oprah is a genius. She now has celebrities interviewing themselves on her primetime specials while she sits at home." "Naomi Campbell slapped and punched her limo driver. She should be married to Tiger. She'd straighten him out." Jimmy showed a clip of Joy Behar asking Johnny Weir: "Critics said you were too gay for figure skating. What do you say to that?" Johnny: "It's figure skating."

Jimmy Fallon: "In a poll 22% of Americans said they'd forgive Tiger Woods, but they may be the 22% who've slept with Tiger." "Two newlyweds are in jail in Boston after the bride tried to run over the groom's old girlfriend. She said, 'I pahked da cah on that bitch.'" "There's a new trend in Brooklyn of bringing babies with you to bars. So if you hear, 'Hey, show us your boobs!' it's probably just a hungry baby."


Three Nero Wolfe mysteries, narrated by the studly Archie Goodwin

"Your name's Goodwin," he told me impolitely, without overexerting any muscles.
"Thanks," I thanked him. "How much do I weigh?"

Two paces inside the office he [a mobster] stopped to make a survey, probably merely through force of habit, like a veteran general playing golf on a strange course automatically picking out the best spots to place artillery units or hide his tanks.

... and Wolfe was moving a finger to keep time and evidently humming. For him that was drunken revelry.

Finally she turned her eyes to me and spoke, not as to an enemy: "My God, he's fat."

Thursday, March 4

The Strangie goes to Jimmy Fallon: "The Senate decided not to send $250 to the elderly because they'd just spend it on drugs."

Stephen Colbert: "GM has recalled 1.3 million cars for steering defects. As soon as Obama took over the company, cars started steering left." "Bill Clinton called Tiger Woods and said he knows how painful it can be the first time you're caught. He said Tiger was his favorite player, and also a great golfer." "A man was caught masturbating under a blanket on a Southwest flight. The other passengers were astounded. Southwest gives out blankets?" "Shark attacks on America's shores declined last year. Sharks are cutting down on fatty foods." "The Smithsonian has turned down the suit O.J. was wearing when he was acquitted, but they said they would take the suit he wore during the murders, or the blindfolds and earplugs the jurors wore."

David Letterman: "New York's Share the Ride program starts today, and I saw two people sharing a cab just this morning. One took the radio and one took the tires." "You know what's opening up this week, and it's probably why the folks from West Point are here? 'Alice in Wonderland.'" "George W. Bush is writing his memoirs. It's part of his War on Literacy. And after all, don't you just want to curl up and relive the Bush Administration? They asked if he had a ghost writer, and he said, 'No, the guy's still alive.'" "Sunday is the Academy Awards. This year if your acceptance speech goes on too long you'll get a beating from Naomi Campbell." "Sarah Palin has teamed up with the creator of 'The Apprentice' to do a reality show, and they've already shot the pilot. She shoots and stuffs that thing on Donald Trump's head. She's getting a reality show? What about a reality check?" Dave talked about the various TV show reunions and then showed a photo of the "Bonanza" reunion, a bunch of skeletons in cowboy clothes. Top 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear from a Guy in Your Bobsled: 9. Somebody else steer. I'm tweeting. 2. That's not the brake lever, but don't stop pulling.

Jimmy Kimmel: "It's interesting Sarah Palin is shopping a reality show since so far she hasn't had much to do with reality. It may show her hunting down Levi Johnston from a helicopter." "Tiger's caddy says he had no idea Tiger was fooling around with women. And this is the guy who washes Tiger's balls and polishes his putter."

Jimmy Fallon: "On the way to work today the GPS voice let his son take over, so I had to stop at a candy store." [Reference to JFK air traffic controller letting his kids get on the mic.] "A device plugged into a USB port can find all the porn on a computer. The government says it will help in the fight against smut. Guys call it a great time-saver." "A machine in Japan can wash and blow dry your dog in thirty minutes. They have the same machine in China, but there it's a snack machine."

Craig Ferguson to beautiful female guest: "Was it an all-girls school? Please just say yes."


Three Nero Wolfe mysteries, narrated by the studly Archie Goodwin

She was a first-rate driver, fully half as good as me.

Archie to Wolfe: "You thought Beulah was so hipped on him that she would take him on in spite of his past - since the killings couldn't be pinned on him - whereas the fact was that after she had seen me he was just a vague spot to her."
"Shut up. I want to read."

"I am a fugitive ..." I began, and stopped. Wolfe's chair behind his desk, his own chair and no one else's under any circumstances, was occupied by the appropriate mass of matter in comparatively human shape, in other words by a big fat man, but it wasn't Nero Wolfe. I had never seen him before.

Friday, March 5

The Strangie goes to Jimmy Fallon: "Tiger and Elin are living together again. He's just hoping she'll be willing to put on some wigs."

Jay Leno: "The House passed a $50 billion jobs bill. Those jobs? Fixing Toyotas." "President Bush is writing a book about how he made decisions when he was in office. It has two sections: Heads and Tails." "Anti-gay California State Senator Roy Ashburn was arrested for DUI after leaving a gay bar at 3 a.m. with another man in the car. He said he was just polling the constituency. He admitted he was in a gay bar but said he didn't inhale." "Two hundred British flight attendants were involved in prostitution. The customers said the sex was great. They just hated sitting through the boring safety demonstration." "His dog bit Spencer Pratt's tongue. Authorities dealt with the dog by awarding him a Medal of Honor." "It seems Naomi Campbell has been hitting her driver harder than Tiger Woods. Her cell phone has that beat your friends and family plan."

David Letterman: "My tax accountant says I could get a huge deduction if I declared this show a church. It does get pretty quiet in her some nights." "The Academy Awards show is this Sunday. Side effects may include headache, nausea and sexual dysfunction. Right now they're putting the first coat of primer on Joan Rivers. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are going to host, that is if Jay lets them. Two hosts. Who says Obama isn't creating jobs? You know, I think it takes real nerve for a 4-1/2 hour show to give awards for editing. The statuette itself is 13-1/2 inches tall and weighs 8-1/2 pounds. No, I'm sorry. That's Tom Cruise." Introducing Matt Damon: "If I had this guy's talent and looks you people could just kiss my ass." To Matt: "I hope you win the Oscar because I feel you and I are the same person really." Matt got tongue-tied and Dave said, "You're not the real Matt Damon, are you?" Then he asked Matt to show how he'd accept the Oscar as Matthew McConaughey: "Now that I've won this thing there's only one thing I can do, take my shirt off." Scottish comedian Danny Bhoy: "A wine tasting is a little different from a pub crawl. On a wine tour people get upset if you take your willie out." "Why is it that at closing time in every pub in America they throw the bright lights on? What good can come of that? You're just faced with the full horror of your situation." "You never see an Italian with a drink in each hand. How could he talk?"

Jimmy Fallon: "How many of you people are only here because your dad won't let you land planes at JFK?" "The Democrats are hoping to pass a final health care bill before Easter, but two resurrections are too much to hope for." "In some schools overweight children have to take break dancing because it's good exercise, and they're funny to watch." Guest Matt Lucas who plays Tweedledum and Tweedledee in "Alice in Wonderland": "Yes, I like Johnny Depp. He's one of America's finest young gay actors." "I base my performance in 'Alice' on the Olsen twins."

Craig Ferguson: "Sarah Palin's shopping a reality show: 'So You Think You Can See Russia.'" "There were some things in 'Braveheart' that were truly Scottish: the carnage, the disemboweling. Took me back to my childhood." "In 'Alice in Wonderland' there's a queen with a big head surrounded by crazy people." Showed photo of Simon Cowell.

Rob Riggle special on Comedy Central: "Now that Obama's President we should take a deep breath and just say it, O.J. did kill those people." "I don't see too many cotton tops here tonight, and that's good. I don't like the old."


Three Nero Wolfe mysteries, narrated by the studly Archie Goodwin

"It was merely a job," Wolfe murmured, as if he knew what modesty was.

Wolfe couldn't stand to see a woman look pleased.

"I ask you, Mr. Wolfe. You are a wise and clever and able man, what would you do if you were in my husband's position?"
Wolfe muttered, "You put that as a question?"
"Yes, I do."
"Well. Granting that you have described the situation correctly, I would kill Mr. Blaney."

Sunday, March 7
Special Oscar/Kimmel Report

The Strangie goes to Jimmy Kimmel for his all-star video "Handsome Men's Club."

Oscars: Neil Patrick Harris introduced Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin in song as 'the biggest pair since Dolly Parton." Steve: "Meryl Streep has the most nominations, or as I think of it, the most losses. And there's that damn Helen Mirrin." Alec: "That's Dame, Dame Helen Mirrin." Steve: "Meryl Streep, anyone who knows her always says two things. 'Boy, can she act,' and 'What's up with all the Hitler memorabilia?' There's Gabourey Sidibe. She and I have something in common. In our first movies we were both born poor black children. James Cameron was married to the director of 'The Hurt Locker,' Kathryn Bigelow. She sent him a gift basket with a timer. He sent her a Toyota." Steve: "Who doesn't love Sandra Bullock?" Alec: "Tonight we may find out." Tina Fey presenting Best Screenplay: "What does a writer look for in an actor? Memorization, not paraphrasing, not ad lib." Geoffrey Fletcher accepting for Adapted Screenplay for "Precious" ended with, "I'm sorry, I'm drawing a blank right now, but thank you, everyone." Steve: "I wrote that speech for him." Robin Williams: "... at the Governor's Ball. And that's just one of the many big balls that will be held all over Hollywood tonight." Steve: "To present Costume Design we have two clothes whores." Alec: "Horses. Clothes horses." Alec: "OK, but I don't think the plural of 'whore' is 'horses.'" Steve: "Here's my longtime friend, and by that I mean I've never met her ..."

Jimmy Kimmel Oscar Special: "Who's ready to get Avatarded tonight? I'd like to thank the Academy, especially 'Police Academy.'" "Americans can relate to actors this year, because, like actors, most Americans are out of work." "In the history of the Oscars three couples have won for Best Screenplay. [Jimmy named two couples] and Matt Damon and Ben Affleck." "Mo'Nique told Oprah she doesn't shave her legs. She could use some Mo'Neet." "I guess somebody forgot to pay off Oprah or something, because it rained on the red carpet." Jimmy gave the award for Best Actors in Real Life with clips of famous men saying things which later turned out to be lies. Winner: John Edwards saying it was impossible the baby was his. Guest Robert Downey, Jr.: "Harry Winston gave me this watch, or to you, six months' salary." Jimmy: "Who's Harry Winston, your boyfriend?"


Three Nero Wolfe mysteries, narrated by the studly Archie Goodwin

[Wolfe]: "Did you word the receipt properly?" "No, sir, I worded it the way you told me to."

[Wolfe]: "I did not see her legs. Do your typing. I like to hear you typing. If you are typing you can't talk."

Wolfe merely poured beer and said, "Pfui. Whether Mr. Poor paid me or not, he got his money's worth."
Try analyzing the logic of that. I can't.

Monday, March 8

The Strangie goes to Jimmy Fallon: "The Oscars was director James Cameron's own personal 'Hurt Locker.'"

Stephen Colbert: "Last night was Hollywood's annual strokefest."

David Letterman: "New York's Share a Cab program has started. Today I shared a cab with a couple of tourists. It turns out they were in the trunk. Director Kevin Smith was charged for sharing a cab and he was alone." "The Oscars were so long that during the show they had to keep updating the dead actor montage. The show was the longest George Clooney's been with one girlfriend. The first fifteen minutes were blacked out in New York. They just had to be sure I wasn't hosting. John McCain doesn't watch the Oscars. He doesn't care for the talkies. The minute Helen Mirrin lost I got a call from my bookie, and I just want to thank him for beating me where it doesn't show. When 'Avatar' lost I felt so silly sitting there in my blue face. Kathryn Bigelow was the first woman to win Best Director. In the Academy's defense, a woman has always won Best Actress."

Jay Leno: "I was glad Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director for 'Hurt Locker'. In a room full of trophy wives it was nice to see a woman win a trophy. In her acceptance speech, though, she forgot to thank Bush and Cheney. The Oscars lasted longer than our 10 o'clock show. They expanded the dead actor montage to include Obama's health care plan." "Anti-gay Cal. State Senator Roy Ashburn announced he's gay. He discovered it last night during the big Oscar production number." "Former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry is 74. His nurse has to cut up his crack into little pieces." "Two hundred British flight attendants were involved in a prostitution ring. The only time I've been banged by a flight attendant it was with a beverage cart."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Mo'Nique is growing the hair on her legs for a role in 'Harry and the Hendersons 2.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama called 'Hurt Locker' director Kathryn Bigelow and said, 'This Iraqi War movie. How did you end it?" "The camera kept going to George Clooney, and then I realized the cameraperson was my Mom." "President Obama has called a NASA Space Conference: one small step for mankind, one giant distraction from two wars, the economy and health care."

Craig Ferguson: "Over 41 million people watched the Oscars. To be fair, over half of them were Baldwins." "The oldest American, a 114-year-old woman from New Hampshire, has died. When she was born it was just Hampshire. Abraham Lincoln said, 'It's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years. Who wants to go see a play?' It's just the luck of the draw. Some people are born with healthy genes, and some have genes that make their asses look fat. We can't just keep going and going. We're not Toyotas."

.

Tuesday, March 9

The Strangie goes to Craig Ferguson: "Tomorrow morning here on CBS Harry Smith will have a live colonoscopy. I had to do something similar to get this job."

Jay Leno: "'Alice in Wonderland' took in $116 million this weekend, and that was just concession sales from people coming to the movie stoned." "Tourism is down. You'd think foreigners would like to come here to see where their jobs originated." "Rush Limbaugh says he'll leave the U.S. if health care passes. Here's our chance!" "A teacher was e-mailing nude photos of herself to a 15-year-old student. Where's the personal touch, where teachers used to have sex with students in person?" "Starbucks is selling a 31-ounce coffee called Trenta, which is Italian for 'I have to pee.'" Headlines: Ad for "double-pane insulted glass."

David Letterman: "It's 52 and sunny today, like Teri Hatcher. It's so nice I saw an out-of-control Toyota with the top down." "The oldest woman in America passed away at 114. One less alimony check for Larry King to write." "Tomorrow on 'The Early Show' Harry Smith is having a live colonoscopy. Finally, real breakfast fun. Welcome to the Obama health care plan." Dave showed a clip of a man and woman exploring a cave. "Pringles is recalling Cheeseburger Flavor Pringles because they may have salmonella. How about recalling them because they're Cheeseburger Flavor Pringles?" "Two years ago today New York Governor Eliot Spitzer had to resign because he liked whores. Luckily we had a qualified backup ready to step in. Now David Paterson's in trouble for ethics violations, but he says he won't step down. Who does this guy think he is, Leno? It's fun to tease the people with big chins." "President Bush is writing his memoirs, a big thick book. You can stand on it to reach a better book. The title is 'Well, I Think That Went Pretty Well.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "The Washington Monument has always been the gayest symbol in America, and now Washington, D.C. has had its first gay marriages." Jimmy showed a clip of George Bush and Dick Cheney. "So now they're able to do with each other what they've done to the country." "A Toyota Prius accelerated out of control to 94 miles per hour in San Diego. Toyota still says they stand behind all their cars, which is the only safe place to stand." Showed a clip of a newscaster saying about unlicensed plastic surgeons, "Six women are in the hospital after having caulk injected in their rear ends." Jimmy showed the hilarious outtake reel from "The Handsome Men's Club."

And here's Dax Shepard playing naked miniature golf.

Jimmy Fallon: "The President hosted Alabama's Crimson Tide at the White House, and they tossed a football on the lawn. It's the first time anything's been passed since Obama took office." "A man was arrested for spamming. He'll go to prison, where he'll be bombarded daily with offers to improve his sex life."

Craig Ferguson: Craig showed a newspaper headline: "Chameleons Have Weatherproof Tongues." Craig: "It means their tongues don't slow down in the cold. I think these scientists were making out with lizards! A chameleon is just a pimped-out lizard, constantly changing its appearance. It's a lizard Lady Gaga." "On the 15th I'll be in Orlando, and then I go to Florida."


Multimillionaire Noel Hawthorne left his sisters April, May, and June only a peach, a pear, and an apple, and most of the estate to his mistress.

Wolfe frowned at her. He hated fights about wills, having once gone so far as to tell a prospective client that he refused to engage in a tug of war with a dead man's guts for a rope. But he asked, not too rudely, "Is there something wrong with the will?"

"We don't need a detective. But we very much need the services of an able, astute, discreet and unscrupulous man."
"That's diplomacy for you," said April, tapping ash from her cigarette.

 

Wednesday, March 10

The Strangie goes to David Letterman: "Eric Massa says he groped and tickled a male staffer, but not sexually. He doesn't need to resign. He needs to be transferred to a different parish."

Jon Stewart: "Sour Gropes:" Story about Congressman Massa, who said yes, he not only groped a staffer, he tickled him so hard he couldn't breathe. Glenn Beck had him on and said he would reveal all the perfidy of the Democratic party. He got nothing, and at the end apologized to the viewers: "I have wasted an hour of your time." Jon: "Glenn Beck has come up with his new sign-off line." New York Governor Paterson is in trouble for pressuring a woman not to press domestic violence charges against his aide. Jon showed a clip of Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore saying, "Paterson is only 90% blind, but he's 100% black." Larry: "Yeah, well, now we're giving him back. We're throwing him under the Rosa Parks bus." Jon: "What about Tiger Woods?" Larry: "You mean that Asian guy with the Norwegian kids?"

Stephen Colbert: "With reconciliation Nancy Pelosi is giving Lady Liberty a titty punch." About Congressman Massa: "You have to take into account which staff member he tickled." Showed Elmo.

Jay Leno: "Eric Massa says he groped male staffers, but says it wasn't sexual. See, Kevin! Massa showed Glenn Beck his photo book of nearly naked sailors wrestling. If you want to prove you're not gay, showing that book isn't the best way to do it." "A teacher is in trouble for e-mailing nude photos of herself to a 15-year-old student. When I was in school we had to use our brains. We had to imagine what the hot teachers looked like naked." "A man was arrested for performing illegal circumcisions. How did the police catch him? They got a tip."

David Letterman: "Have you heard about New York's Share a Cab program? I don't even like to share a cab with the driver." "This morning on 'The Early Show' Harry Smith had a live colonoscopy. I sure was glad I'd switched to hi-def. Actually they had to cancel Harry's appointment. Jay got there first." Dave to guest Dr. Oz: "I know you want to tickle me, don't you?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Did you see Eric Massa? Out-crazying Glenn Beck is like outsexing Tiger Woods. Larry King asked Massa if he was gay. Massa said, "Ask my wife. Ask my kids. Ask the 10,000 sailors I served with in the Navy. Right." "Toyota still isn't sure what's wrong with their cars, but they'll give you a louder horn for free."

Jimmy Fallon: "Anyone who doesn't laugh at my jokes is going to be tickled by Eric Massa." "The Pope's brother admitted beating his students. He was just taking out his anger at being only a Reverend when his brother is Pope." "Doctors in China removed a tail from a baby girl, or else made a horrible mistake with a baby boy."

Craig Ferguson: "Harry Smith had a colonoscopy on live TV this morning. I was shocked. His ass had better lighting than this show." "President Obama may ban fishing from rivers and lakes. Without fishing there'd be no fishnet stockings, and that's a world I don't want to live in. I used to fish for mackerel. They go after tin foil like teenage girls to vampire movies, or me to a shoe sale. At Foot Locker they call me Imelda."


Multimillionaire Noel Hawthorne left his sisters April, May, and June only a peach, a pear, and an apple, and most of the estate to his mistress.

"It's incredible. My brother leaving his entire fortune, the bulk of it, to that -- that --"
"Woman," April suggested. "Very well. Woman."

"Noel Hawthorne was doing archery and an arrow, which he let fly inadvertently, tore a path through his wife's face, from her brow to her chin. She had been beautiful. Since then she has never been seen without a veil." April said, with a little shudder, "It was dreadful. I saw her in the hospital, and I still dream about it. She was the most beautiful woman I ever saw except a girl selling cigarettes in a cafe in Warsaw."

"I think not, thank you." Her voice gave me the creeps and made me want to pull the veil off myself. It was pitched high, with a strain in it that gave me the impression it wasn't coming from a mouth.

Thursday, March 11

The Strangie goes to David Letterman: "Today is Barbie's birthday. She's the pretty plastic doll who didn't run with John McCain."

Jon Stewart: "Health Care End Game: The Push Administration." "The Path from Peace: The Middle East settlement, ironically, was derailed by a settlement."

Stephen Colbert: "I love Karl Rove's new book 'Courage and Consequences.' It's like 'Pride and Prejudice,' but with more prejudice. Spoiler alert, Bush was a great President."

Jay Leno: "Couples are flocking to D.C. for same-sex marriages." Showed Richard Simmons and William Shatner cuddling. "Soon people will have phones embedded in their ears. Now it's just Naomi Campbell employees." "Kids today are so fat that they're remaking the movie as 'Children of the Creamed Corn.'" "Today is Johnny Appleseed's birthday. He died when his wife walked in on him when he was planting a seed." "Tiger Woods may be returning to golf. He pulled his 9-iron out of the sunroof, and he's ready to go. He's hired Ari Fleischer, Bush's former Press Secretary, to handle his p.r. Neither Bush nor Tiger knew when to pull out. Mickey Rourke says he once had sex fourteen times in one night. And he doesn't even play golf."

David Letterman: "Donald Trump's on the show. I hope he's OK. He had to go in for service. The accelerator on his mouth got stuck." "George Bush's new book is green. It's printed entirely on old Al Gore ballots." "They're coming out with interactive TV. You press your body against the screen and Eric Massa will tickle you." "A 24-year-old man stole a car to get to a court appearance on a car-theft charge."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tiger Woods may be returning to golf. He's starting with the Irish Legs Wide Open. Tiger picked Bush's Press Secretary Ari Fleischer to handle the media. He should have picked Clinton's guy." "Women who drink moderately lose more weight than women who don't drink. Instead of Jenny Craig you should join Jenny Keg."

Jimmy Fallon: "Men's Wearhouse had a big loss this quarter. George Zimmer told the board,'You're not going to like the way this looks. I guarantee it.'"

Craig Ferguson: "A chef in New York revealed he's been using human breast milk in the cheese. And he doesn't even work at Hooters." "On this day in 1302 the real Romeo and Juliet got married. They're still registered at Pottery Barn. Shakespeare said some lovely things about Juliet, basically, 'Break me off a piece of that.'"


Multimillionaire Noel Hawthorne left his sisters April, May, and June only a peach, a pear, and an apple, and most of the estate to his mistress. The story is narrated by the studly Archie Goodwin.

"She said she had a great respect for justice and would cheerfully accept any decision a court might make, provided there was no higher court to appeal to."

None of her features would have classified for star billing, but somehow you didn't see her features, you just saw her.

... but there was something in Naomi Karn's eyes, or back of them, or somewhere, that made me want to meet them and shy away from them at the same time.

There [in his own room], after finishing the milk, I undraped my form, shaved my legs and removed my eyelashes, and dropped languorously into the arms of the sandman.

Friday, March 12

The Strangie goes to Jimmy Fallon: "A member of Al Qaeda worked for three different nuclear power plants in New Jersey. New Jersey has three nuclear power plants? That explains Snooki."

Jay Leno: "The court ruled that it's legal to have 'In God we trust' on our currency. You know who wanted to have it taken off? God." "Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for $100 million because the baby in their ads, the milkoholic one, is named Lindsay. She says she's a one-name star, like Beyonce. I think she's more like Hasselhoff. The baby in the commercial is nothing like Lindsay Lohan. That baby is a working actress, who has a job."

David Letterman: "New York has filled in a million potholes. The bad news, they were the only things slowing down the Toyotas." "You can tell it's tax season. Today Naomi Campbell hit one of her employees with a calculator." "This day in 1894 saw the first stripper, in Paris. And on the same day a stripper gave a customer a fake phone number. And on March 15 Julius Caesar was stabbed. Don't worry, Jay has an alibi." "The President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, claims 9/11 was faked. He also says the Academy Awards weren't long enough. Yes, and your reelection didn't happen." "Do you folks watch 'The Ghost Whisperer?' She runs errands for dead people. Tonight she's looking for a new job for Governor Paterson." "President Obama passed his physical. His only problems were smoking and a craving for pie. The last President with a similar craving got impeached." "It's daylight savings this weekend, and you lose an hour. I know. You're wishing this was the hour." "JFK airport has announced that to make up for letting children direct air traffic this week, next week they'll use only the elderly. 'Where am I?'"

Jimmy Fallon: "It's daylight savings Saturday, and you lose an hour of sleep, unless you're one of Eric Massa's roommates, and then you have to stay awake anyway to keep from being snorkled." "A 75-year-old great grandmother was arrested for riding her bicycle drunk. Her grandkids say she's the greatest grandmother." "A 2-year-old put his hand in one of those claw prize machines and got stuck. It took his father seven hours to win him back." "Amy Winehouse has a clothing line. The instruction label says, 'Wash?'"

Craig Ferguson: "Everybody's been giving me gifts today. Turns out it's Liza Minnelli's birthday, and we look exactly alike. She's 64, or as Larry King calls it, barely legal." "We lose an hour this weekend for daylight savings time. If you watch this show, you're used to that." "MY wedding was the best day of my life. I got cable TV installed that day. Kidding, honey." "Men get excited about weddings too, usually men who are marrying other men." "You're either gay or you're not. There aren't levels of gay. It's not like karate." E-mail: "Dear Craig, I say you were once a hand model and my wife disagrees." Craig: "I was never a hand model per se. I did get a couple of hand jobs when I first moved to L.A."


Multimillionaire Noel Hawthorne left his sisters April, May, and June only a peach, a pear, and an apple, and most of the estate to his mistress. The story is narrated by the studly Archie Goodwin.

There were too many chairs that looked as if they had been made to have their pictures taken instead of to sit on.

"Shut up and beat it!" [Inspector] Cramer growled. "Why in the name of God 40,000 people get killed in automobile accidents every year and not one of them is you."

Wolfe got up and stood scowling at Sara. "Would you mind removing your hat, Miss Dunn? I deduce the thing is a hat, because it's on your head. Thank you. I don't like restaurant conventions in my dining room."

Monday, March 15
Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel are in reruns this week.

No jokes funny enough to win.

Stephen Colbert: "Benjamin Franklin invented daylight savings time, probably in a syphilitic haze."

Jay Leno: "It turns out the longer you smoke the less likely you are to develop Parkinson's. Drinking alcohol is good for your heart. Marijuana cures glaucoma. Screw health care, let's party!" "The highest tension between the White House and Israel in 30 years. The Israeli's want to build houses in disputed territory, and the Obama administration wants them to tear them down. The solution? Build the houses, but then let Countrywide give the owners adjustable-rate mortgages. They'll be foreclosed and out of there by July." "As part of an art project 31 nude male statues will be put up all around Manhattan. They're so lifelike Rep. Eric Massa tried to tickle them." Guest Terry Bradshaw: "I have a sensitive side, Jay." Jay: "You're sitting on it." Headlines: "Al Gore says St. Patrick's Day not green enough." Ad for "Port-a-Potty, sleeps 4." A police report that a woman caught having sex in a bar restroom "threatened to call her attorney and her husband." Ad for "Washing machine, pus agitator."

David Letterman: "Even the Taliban moved their clocks ahead over the weekend, up to the 11th century." "It was so windy in New York over the weekend that a stripper at Flashdancers had to be lashed to her pole." "President Obama says he gets 20,000 letters a day calling him an idiot. Welcome to the club. Maybe I am Presidential material." "One good thing, we've never had a sex scandal with Mayor Bloomberg. Somebody would have to put him up to it."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Chicago River has been dyed green for St. Patrick's Day. New York's East River remains green." "New York Governor David Paterson has hired a criminal lawyer. He says it's not because he's guilty of anything, but just to get advice. That's like telling your girlfriend you got an STD test because you were bored." "Big storms. Water levels haven't risen this fast in New Jersey since Sooki got into a hot tub." "In May Germany is opening an 11-mile nude hiking trail, but guys are bragging it's 13."


Multimillionaire Noel Hawthorne left his sisters April, May, and June only a peach, a pear, and an apple, and most of the estate to his mistress. The story is narrated by the studly Archie Goodwin.

There was an instant's silence and then Sara Dunn popped out of her chair and pretended she was a cyclone.

[Inspector Cramer to Wolfe] "What the hell did you think, because your clients are people of position and power and influence you could depend on them to pull you out, no matter --"
"I don't depend on my clients. They depend on me."

Tuesday, March 16

The Strangie goes to David Letterman: "Did you see Harry Smith's colonoscopy on 'The Early Show?' Harry got a clean bill of health, and they found Conan."

Jon Stewart: "Holy Sh*t: A Vatican choir member is accused of running a gay escort service for the Pope's Ushers. Also, when the Pope was an Archbishop in Germany, he may have covered up a pedophile priest. Now, 30 years later, that priest has been suspended. It's the fastest grievance address in church history."

Stephen Colbert: "Diet Tribe: There's an investigation into how Americans eat, usually in front of the TV and all over their shirts."

Jay Leno: "Just in time for St. Patrick's Day an Irish whiskey company is promoting the Corned Beef Collins. It's Irish whiskey with corned beef and cabbage extract. Didn't that used to be called vomit?" "I'm sure you turned your clock ahead an hour, unless you're a Democrat working on health care, and then you might want to turn it back a year and start over." "'Discover Magazine' reports that 110 billion text messages were sent in 2009. And that's just from Tiger Woods."

David Letterman: "Today in Central Park I saw a squirrel hiding his nuts from Eric Massa." "This health care bill is going to be close. It could be a real tickle fight." "Tiger Woods is going to be playing in the Masters in April. He needs another green jacket. He left his last one in a motel room in Vegas. He'll be playing under a handicap. His wife still has his nine iron." Guest Jimmy Kimmel: (On dressing up as Jay Leno): "It's fun to be Jay. It's easier. Then when I went on Jay's show he said I sucker punched him. I looked up 'sucker punched' in the dictionary, and I guess I did." "My agent loves Tiger Woods more than cocktail waitresses love Tiger Woods, so when I saw a Madame Tussauds was selling a wax figure of Tiger on e-Bay I bought it for him." Showed photo of wax figure. Top 10 Things That Sound Cool When Said By Snoop Dogg (read by Snoop Dogg): 10. Yo! 9. I'm following Wolf Blitzer on Twitter. 8. Let's go to the Gap to buy underpants. 4. John Mayer is like sexual napalm.

Jimmy Fallon: "Watching the NCAA tourney, it must be something being a parent and seeing your child shirtless in the stands with their school colors painted on their chest. You just say, 'Well, she's my daughter, and I love her.'" "Mike Tyson was on 'Animal Planet' on a program about pigeon racing. Now we know what planet Mike Tyson's from." "A woman used her own stomach fat in her breast implants. 'I'm not fat. That's future boob.'" "Spencer Pratt is leaving 'The Hills' to study computer science at USC. A producer on 'The Hills' called it a huge blow, and the President of USC called it a huge blow."

Wednesday, March 17

The Stragie goes to David Letterman, who showed two or three clips each of newscasters saying about Eric Massa: "Groping." "Tickling." "Tickle parties." "Snorkeling." And then Glenn Beck saying, "Fondling a cat."

Jon Stewart: "Health Care: The Medicarening": Jon showed a clip of a Republican saying, "This bill should not be passed by anyone unless they ate it." John Oliver: "The Democrats want to bury my grandmother alive, and God knows she deserves it, but ..." Guest Snoop Dogg: "Yes, Dr. Dre has let me know how he feels about health care. He's high on it."

Stephen Colbert: "There's a shamrock shortage in Ireland. I know we had a potato famine, but now we can't even grow a goddam weed?"

Jay Leno: "Toyota has recalled nine or ten million cars, faulty steering, faulty brakes, sticky gas pedals. Turns out the Yugo was the car of the future." "Cardiologists are saying too much exercise can be as bad for you as not enough exercise. Experts say this could affect as many as two Americans. Lance Armstrong and some other guy."

David Letterman: "I saw the first robin of spring, a guy robbin' an old lady. Soon it will be the drunk honeymooner falling off a cruise ship season. Wait. That wasn't funny." "An audit found New York taxis overcharge by an average of $4 a trip. But you do get the aromatherapy." "It's tax season. My accountant says I should move the show to the Canary Islands. He can't even count to 21 unless he's naked." "Rosie O'Donnell turns 48 on Sunday. If you want to get her a present you can't go wrong with fishing tackle. Right about now she's in a bar arm-wrestling for beer." "Oh, and happy St. Patrick's Day. I drank a bottle of green beer, and I don't feel so good. Turns out it was Scope. How better to honor Ireland's saint than by sitting on a curb throwing up in a green hat? I took Mom to the parade. Halfway through she said, 'David, where's Santa?' Everyone was in green. Even Regis was wearing his money." "Eric Massa had nude tickle parties, and his constituents said, 'Hey, that's not what we elected him to do.'" To guest: "How did you get from Paisley, Scotland, to big-time film star?" Gerard Butler: "By plane, mainly."

Jimmy Fallon: "In Ireland, St. Patrick's Day honors St. Patrick, who drove out the snakes. Like how in America, we honor St. Samuel L. Jackson ['Snakes on a Plane']. In Ireland leprechauns hide their gold at the end of the rainbow. In America at the end of the rainbow there's a gay bar." "President Obama went on Fox News to promote health care. That's like John Edwards going on 'The Marriage Ref.'"


Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes are in Dartmoor, close to Baskerville Hall, looking for a murderer.

I had not seen Holmes in nearly three weeks, and it did occur to me that perhaps in the interval my husband had lost his mind.

It was a violin, playing a sweet, plaintive melody, light and slow and shot through with a profound and permanent sadness. I had never, to my knowledge, heard the tune before, although it had the bone-deep familiarity possessed by all things that are very old. I did, however, know the hands that wielded the bow. "Holmes?" I said into the dark.

He was a man who had seen a great deal in his eighty-nine years, and approved of little of it.

Thursday, March 18

The Strangie goes to Jay Leno: "President Obama was on Fox News yesterday to push health care. That's like George Bush appearing on The Learning Channel."

Jon Stewart imitating Glenn Beck: "I'm sorry. I promised myself I would cry."

David Letterman was a rerun.

Jay Leno: "Blockbuster may have to file for bankruptcy. They're almost a billion dollars in debt. They're so broke the president of Blockbuster has had to cancel his subscription to Netflix." "Lindsay Lohan is suing E-trade for $100,000,000 because their commercial has a baby named Lindsay who's a milkaholic." Jay had an interview with the baby. Here's his monologue, ending with the interview"

"Pepsi is removing high-calorie, high-sugar drinks from schools. It's part of their program No Child Left with a Fat Behind." "It's spring break. For seniors it's their last chance to sow wild oats before moving back in with their parents." "Perez Hilton says Heather Mills has already spent half her divorce settlement. You know who can relate to losing half their money? Her ex-husband, Paul McCartney."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama was a great ballplayer as a kid, but they never let him pass anything."

"30 Rock": Jenna: "I kept running into Michael Douglas, and then found out it was just an old lady who lives in my building." Cabletown executive: "Cabletown buying NBC counts as a charitable contribution on our tax return."


Mary Russell and her husband Sherlock Holmes are in Dartmoor, close to Baskerville Hall, looking for a murderer.

"Am I not to be allowed the privacy of my own thoughts without being subjected to an analysis of my 'physical language'?"
"Not if you insist on indulging in those thoughts around me, no. If you wanted privacy, Holmes, you should not have married me."
"I discovered only this evening that Ketteridge's house is Baskerville Hall," he said.

"Come along, Russell. You mustn't avoid your host simply because he is a rude old man. Besides which, he has quite taken to you."
"I'd hate to see how he expresses real dislike, then."
"He becomes very polite but rather inattentive," Holmes said, holding the door open for me. "Precisely as you do, as a matter of fact."

Friday, March 19

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "In the new movie 'Repo Man' Jude Law will rip out your organs if you can't keep up the payments. Like your insurance company."

Jay Leno: "A lot of companies are putting less salt in their products. Here's a box of Morton's Salt. See, it says. 'Less salt.' You still pay the same." "Cosmo says one way to turn a man on is to heat up some cinnamon buns. The smell of cinnamon is a turn on. How fat are we getting? A naked woman isn't arousing enough?" Kevin Eubanks: "Forget the cinnamon. Just leave the buns." "Researchers in Japan found that if a man helps out too much around the house it can lead to his wife having low self-esteem. I'm sure the study was conducted by men." Jay showed a clip of a newscaster saying "Sex.com is for sale. Starting price, one million dollars. At one point it was taking in $15,000 a day off this man." Showed picture of Kevin Eubanks. "Jihad Jane's mother says her daughter became an Al Qaeda operative because she was lonely. In her online ads she said she was a goat." "Scientists have found an enzyme that either stores or burns fat in your body. To see which yours does you can have your enzyme tested, or else just look in the mirror." "Pretty soon phones are going to be embedded in our ears. I don't want to tell you where they'll put the fax machine." "Young men can get a job at a Florida hotel rubbing suntan oil on women in bikinis. It's $25 an hour, but some guys will pay more." "Two hours of preschool programs on two TV channels were mistakenly replaced by The Playboy Channel. The kids were horrified. Barney was really purple." Guest Heidi Montag: "It's enough to make me cry, without moving my new face."

Jimmy Fallon: "Big weekend. Friends are coming over. We're going to pound some beers, paint our faces and watch the health care vote!" "There's a nursing home for elderly prostitutes, but their pimps take 75% of their Medicare." "A man escaped from a burning transsexual brother and was treated for minor injuries at the hospital. Then he went home and was given major injuries by his wife." "The Playboy Channel was run on a kids' channel by mistake. The kids were shocked at how much exploring Dora was into." "I'd like to thank this hairless cat for letting me tell my wife he was a Persian cat I'd saved from a burning apartment."

Craig Ferguson rerun: "You people at home are Americans who wouldn't spring for cable, and I'm an immigrant doing a job no American wants."


Nero Wolfe has to find out why everyone who's read a manuscript is being murdered. Narrated by studly Archie Goodwin.

[Inspector Cramer to Archie]: "Do you know," he asked, "whose opinion of you I would like to have? Darwin's. Where were you while evolution was going on?"

If you like Anglo-Saxon, I belched. If you fancy Latin, I eructed. No matter which, I had known that Wolfe and Inspector Cramer would have to put up with it that evening, because that is always a part of my reaction to sauerkraut. I don't glory in it or go for a record, but neither do I fight it back. I want to be liked just for myself.

Cramer glared at Wolfe. "You know," he said, "one of the many reasons you're hard to take is that when you're being sarcastic you don't sound sarcastic. That's just one of your offensive habits."

Monday, March 22
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are in reruns this week.
Dave Letterman and Craig Ferguson are in reruns Thursday and Friday.

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Health care has been extended to millions more Americans, or as Republicans call it, Armageddon."

David Letterman: "History was made yesterday. Congress actually worked on a Sunday. A lot of people were upset that the health care bill passed, because Americans love sky-high medical bills. But now John Edwards can finally get a vasectomy. The plan even covers the Kansas Jayhawks choking. The Democrats celebrated by getting drunk and tipping over Rush Limbaugh. I have the CBS plan. I get any medical procedure I need, just so long as it's performed live on TV." Todd the Intern wandered on-stage and asked guest Harry Smith to autograph a photo of his colon. "Pamela Anderson is on 'Dancing with the Stars,' and it's pretty impressive, because she can't see her feet." "Tiger Woods apologized on the Golf Channel. He blamed it on the loss of his Buddhist faith. That's the same thing that happened to me."

Jay Leno: "Tiffany reported quarterly profits quadruple what they were last year. Either the economy is improving or more guys are getting caught cheating." Clip: "First there was 'The Horse Whisperer,' then 'The Dog Whisperer.' Now Jay Leno is 'The Toyota Whisperer.' Jay lassoed runaway cars and calmed them down while they bucked like horses.
Headlines: "Free Prostate Screening on Arkansas Statehouse Front Steps." "Nude Man Thought Elevator Was Shower." "One-egg Spice Cake. Ingredients: 2 eggs ..." Sign on club: "Girls! Girls! No pregnant dancers!"

Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy showed a clip of Tiger Woods saying, "I tried to stop, but I couldn't stop. It was horrific." JImmy: "I think he meant terrific. The interviews were limited to five minutes, but for a guy who handles a wife and a whole slew of mistresses that's like a lifetime. I don't know how Tiger can win the Masters. As part of his therapy he's required to play the same hole over and over. Tiger owes a great debt to Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James, who's this week's cheater." Jimmy did an interview with the tattooed girlfriend, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee.

Jimmy Fallon: "Yesterday was a historic decision. Sinbad was eliminated from 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Health care passed, Tiger did two interviews, and Kansas lost. So if youÕre a Republican slut in Topeka, you had a bad weekend. Tiger gave two interviews, but he made sure they didn't know about each other." "Justin Bieber's new album comes out tomorrow. Also coming out tomorrow, any dude who buys it." "Remember, if you retweet, you're tweeting everyone that person ever retweeted."

Craig Ferguson: "Yesterday was the first day of spring. In L.A. breasts are blooming and Baldwins are coming out of hibernation." "Health care passed. The Left sees free vegan burgers for every man, woman and unicorn. The Right sees us bowing to our new socialist overlords. The bill is 2,700 pages long, and no one can keep track of it, like 'Lost.' Now that it's over I hope the name calling will end and Congress can get back to what it does best, sex scandals."

"Big Bang Theory": Sheldon: "Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? To get to the same side."

"Thick Noon" by Nick Thune is really funny

.

Tuesday, March 23

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Today President Obama signed into law the historic health care bill, or as he likes to call it, the Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act."

Chelsea Handler: "The guy Pamela Anderson was dancing with was the size of Tommy Lee's penis."

David Letterman: "It's 49 and gloomy, like Glenn Beck. At Grant's Tomb they have Grant on suicide watch." "I'm sorry the health care bill passed because I love paying high prices for health care, and I love driving to Canada for cheap drugs. The Republicans have a plan to repeal the bill in four words: 'Hot Tub Time Machine.' I haven't seen the movie, but I know genius when I hear it. Incidentally, March Madness is covered by the new health plan." "The U.S. debt may lose its triple-A rating. Who cares what the auto club thinks?" "Pam Anderson is on 'Dancing with the Stars.' I guess they couldn't get that tattooed mistress lady. Pam did very well, especially since it's the first time she's danced without a pole, and of course she can't see her feet." "Have you seen the new census form? Under sex you can choose male, female, or Gaga. You have to include people who only sleep at your place part of the time, like Sandra Bullock's husband." "Scientists are analyzing the painting 'The Last Supper.' Here in this enlargement you can see that the check has just come, and Regis is leaving." "Bad news for Tiger Woods. Another mistress has showed up. It's Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady. Tomorrow Tiger goes on Rachel Ray to cook veal mea culpa. Tiger's going to play in the Masters, and whether he wins or not, his wife gets a green jacket, made out of his money." Dave showed the huge crowd of Justin Bieber fans outside the theater and then showed his own fans, four sour old geezers. Guest Ben Stiller was having knee problems, and when he told his doctor he had to fly to New York to be on Letterman, the doctor said, 'That might not be a good idea. For the knee."

Jay Leno: "President Obama is feeling like a Toyota driver today. There's no stopping him! Nancy Pelosi used the internet to gain support for the bill. She reached out on I-Can't-Move-My-Facebook.com."

Jimmy Kimmel: "This morning President Obama signed the health care bill into law. So now when Uncle Sam points his finger at you it means bend over." "John McCain said Republicans won't cooperate on anything more until the end of the year. Well, that's good for the country. Anything more? That's like the coyote saying he'll no longer cooperate with the road runner." "Tiger Woods gave his first two interviews since he viciously attacked that tree."

Jimmy Fallon: Comcast lost NBC during his monologue.

Craig Ferguson: "Kim Kardashean and Reggie Bush have split up, so that fantastic ass is back on the market. Call me, Reggie." "There's a new reality show about pigeons, who just flap around and poop. Like Larry King. The host is Mike Tyson, who raises pigeons. Mickey Rourke has all those Chihuahuas, and Richard Gere has a little gerbil. All birds do is tweet and poop. Since Twitter, I do too. I used to relax by petting a cockatoo. When I was a kid we kept green budgies, because people who kept blue budgies were snobs. I can still hear my mom: 'Look at them, with their blue budgies, and their roof.' The British trained pigeons in WWII to fly over the Germans and poop on them, until they realized the Germans liked it." To guest Jay Baruchel: "Any tattoos on your penis." Jay: "Yes, I have a tattoo of a vagina."


Nero Wolfe has to find out why everyone who's read a manuscript is being murdered. Narrated by studly Archie Goodwin.

Wolfe had finished with the ham, and the eggs done with black butter and sherry, and was starting the wind-up, a griddle cake with no butter but plenty of thyme honey. In the office he would have been scowling, but he would not allow himself to get into a scowling mood while eating.

He had the jaw of a prizefighter and the frame of a retired jockey and the hungriest pair of eyes I ever saw -- not hungry the way a dog looks at a bone you're holding up but the way a cat looks at a bird in a cage.

"Frederick," O'Malley said gravely, "should be on the bench. He should have been appointed to the bench as soon as he was out of law school. He would be an ideal judge. He has the kind of daring mind that glories in deciding an issue without understanding it."

Wednesday, March 24

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Sandra Bullock, see what happens when you take an Oscar away from Meryl Streep."

David Letterman: "You can tell it's spring in New York because the carjackers have started coming in through the sunroof. People are gardening. Martha Stewart picked up a rake, and ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer picked up a ho. In Central Park I saw a sweet old lady feeding the squirrels -- to her pit bull." "It's time for the 2010 census. The problem is, most Americans count as two. They're advertising the census as ten questions in ten minutes, which is how John McCain chose his running mate. You have to count everyone in your house. Angelina Jolie's walking through with a clicker." "Bernie Madoff got beat up over the weekend. Great, we have an audience that applauds prison violence. Luckily, Bernie's covered under the new health care plan." "The circus is in town. If I want to see clowns in Madison Square Garden I'll watch the Knicks. They're still calling it The Greatest Show on Earth, if you don't count Harry Smith's colonoscopy." "Today's the birthday of the great escape artist, Harry Houdini. The only thing he couldn't get out of was dinner dinner with the in-laws." Guest Tina Fey: "My four-year-old daughter took my face in her hands and said, 'When are you going to die?'"

Jay Leno: "They ought to pay for health care with a cuss jar. Every time Joe Biden says a swear work, put a quarter in. Actually, the only 'f' word banned in the White House is 'Fox'. "A woman in North Carolina was awarded $9 million from another woman for stealing her husband. For first time a court recognized that it's not the man's fault. 'Poor John Edwards. He was tricked'." "A female 30-year-old teacher bit off a guy's ear in a fight in a diner. It's better than having a woman talk your ear off." "84% of women think it's okay to snoop through a guy's stuff. I read that in my wife's diary."

Jimmy Kimmel: "You ought to be able to vote AGAINST contestants on 'American Idol.'" "Another erotic performer named Devon James has said she had an affair with Tiger Woods. Why now? It's so two thousand late. Meanwhile, Jesse James, Sandra Bullock's husband, just gets worse and worse. Seems like, not only did he sleep with the tattooed lady, but also the bearded lady and the dog-faced boy. A stripper named Melissa Smith says she had a two-year affair with Jesse, starting in 2006. What's happened to the work ethic in this country? Are there any strippers left stripping? Jesse has other problems too." Showed a clip of an old geezer on a Western saying, "Jesse James killed my father." "The Octomom's house is being foreclosed. Shaq, if you're listening, give this woman a shoe. She literally has so many children she doesn't know what to do." "It's a full day since the health care bill passed, and America's still here. The bill has a 10% tax on tanning booths, very convenient for a black President. This will cost the cast of 'Jersey Shore' a fortune. 'Jersey Shore' is now being broadcast in thirty countries, which should make those countries love us."

Jimmy Fallon: "'Jersey Shore' is now being shown in thirty countries. In France it's called 'Why We Hate America.' In Italy Snooki is called Orangina." "The Catholic Church is trying to reach younger children. The last time this cost them several billions." "The health care bill made Nancy Pelosi the most unpopular woman in America with under eight children."

Craig Ferguson: "Lindsay Lohan fell into a cactus in front of the paparazzi. I thought she wasn't going to dive into any more bushes." "Madonna's making a movie about an English king and his wife. I don't know who's going to play the wife." "Yesterday Ben & Jerry gave away free ice cream, and today it was announced global warming has caused an island to disappear. So it's an up and down week for Al Gore." "India may go to war, and they have nuclear weapons. And the tech support people to make them work." "When you're in show business it's wonderful to get a warm hand on your opening." E-mail: "Craig, what does you show smell like?" Craig: "Ever been in jail?"


Nero Wolfe has to find out why everyone who's read a manuscript is being murdered. Narrated by studly Archie Goodwin.

"Were any of your associates privy to your act?"
"No. They wouldn't have stood for it. They were shocked -- the shock of righteous men -- meaning by 'righteous men' those who have not been caught."

There's a loyal little woman with twinkles, I thought, hanging up. She knows damn well she's married to a dumbbell, but by gum she'll never say so.

Thursday, March 25

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Defense Secretary Robert Gates is changing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' to 'If He's Gay, Look Away'. Now the only place where gays can get thrown out is 'Project Runway.'"

Jay Leno: "There are fierce sandstorms in China. Pre-school children haven't been able to get to work in the sneaker factories." "One in seven Americans don't have cell phones. We call them grandparents." "If it takes you more than thirty minutes to fall asleep at night you have double the risk of dying. That fact should help you nod off." "Kids are getting so fat they won't have sex with their teachers unless they take them to dinner first. At the prom they have the Dairy Queen and the Burger King. 'Sesame Street' is brought to them by the letters KFC.'" "A 98-year-old won a college scholarship. She decided on a 2-year college. And an 81-year-old shot and killed her 73-year-old neighbor. Where are the parents?" A guy in the audience could rub spit on his ear and then tuck it into a little ball. Guest Jim Norton: "That's a very good trick to learn if you're ever going to fight Mike Tyson."

Jimmy Kimmel" "'American Idol' is down to ten contestants, three of whom can sing." "Jesse James wants to make up with Sandra Bullock, but the Republicans say they'll block reconciliation. Tiger Woods is planning his first press conference two Mondays from now. He'll just talk about one mistress, and then another each Monday until Christmas." "MTV has announced this is the last season of 'The Hills.' Then they'll run the whole cast through a wood chipper. It's just a shame Heidi and Spencer are alive to see this."

Jimmy Fallon: "At the 'Kid's Choice Awards' Michelle Obama is to be given an award for her work in fighting childhood obesity, presented by Kevin James. That's like having an award for being faithful presented by Jesse James." "The remains of a new kind of ancient man have been found. He was stronger than present man, but with a smaller brain and discolored skin. They're calling him The Situation." "YouTube went down. To get my morning fix I had to teach my own cat to play the piano. Wikipedia also went down. Well, that might not be true, because I read it on Wikipedia."

"Thick Noon" by Nick Thune is really funny.

.

Friday, March 26

Strangie to Jay Leno: "A new sex scandal is rocking the Catholic Church. Is it spring already?"

Jay Leno: "'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is now 'Don't Even Go There.'" "Sarah Palin appeared with John McCain in Arizona and gave her standard stump speech. Ask her a question, and she's stumped." "Crooks were arrested for selling fake matzah. They were sent to Unleavenworth Prison." "Wikipedia went down, so there was no place to go for inaccurate information." "Teenage boys are so fat they're happy to be able to get into their own pants. I saw a bumper sticker: 'My kid ate your honor student.'" "Craigslist Confidential: Missed Connections." A groom was writing to the hot woman he'd spotted at his wedding, and apologized that this was the first time during his honeymoon he was able to get online. Another ad: "Wanted: Someone to take the CPA Ethics Test for me."

Jimmy Fallon: "Glen Beck called 'Avatar' a movie about murdering Smurfs." "A woman said her goldfish survived seven hours outside its tank. Dick Cheney calls that airboarding." "Thanks to Peeps for being so much nicer to eat than real baby chicks." "Thanks to Bombshell McGee for wearing the same Ed Hardy tee-shirt in every photo. Oh, that's your skin." Guest Morgan Murphy: "I'm not a lesbian. I'm just sad, and it registers the same. 'She must like chicks.' No, I just hate life." "I was sledding in a red body suit. My friend yelled, 'Look, it's the Red Baron!' I said, you're making fun of me for not being able to bear children?" "This 14-year-old girl on 'Maury' said she'd had sex for a cheeseburger. I was appalled until I realized. Half the guys I slept with, I WISH I'd had as good a reason as a cheeseburger."

Joel McHale on "The Soup": "'Little Miss Perfect' [a child beauty pageant] continues to taunt the authorities with new episodes each week." Showed clip of Jesse James saying to Tiger Woods, "I'll take it from here."

Monday, March 29

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "The first wedding was held at Citi Field. You could tell it was at Citi Field because no one caught the bouquet."

Jon Stewart: Correspondent Jason Jones interviewing the founder of the all-white basketball league: "Why hasn't anyone thought of this before? I mean, since integration."

Stephen Colbert: "Elijah is the ultimate Passover 'get.'" "What really smears my pap ..."

Jay Leno: "President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting." "Michael Steele, chairman of the Republican National Committee, is in trouble because $2,000 of RNC money was spent on a Hollywood bondage-themed nightclub where topless women simulated lesbian sex. And the Republicans are the family values party." "Kraft Foods announced they're reducing the salt in Oscar Mayer bolgna. They picked salt because it's the only ingredient they could identify."
Headlines: Resume: "Formerly worked as a fairy farmer."

David Letterman: "President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan, and the President of Afghanistan was late. The accelerator on his camel got stuck. Obama wants to institute honest government, and if it works there, we'll bring it to the United States." "Sarah Palin campaigned for John McCain in a motorcycle jacket. She looked like someone Jesse James would date. McCain and Palin together looked like a Viagra ad." "Did you watch 'Dancing with the Stars'? After her cha-cha, out of habit, Pamela Anderson crawled around on the floor looking for tips." Guest Robin Williams: "If Darwin had landed in Australia he'd have gone, 'I'm wrong.'" Robin as Walter Cronkite: "A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, 'You have to quit masturbating.' The man says, 'Why, Doc?' 'Because I'm trying to examine you.'" Robin has a new DVD.

.

Jimmy Kimmel: "How does John McCain introduce Sarah Palin? 'Here's the young lady who cost me the Presidency?'" Guest Kevin Nealon: "When a woman throws up she immediately hops on the scale. 'Ah.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Happy 24th birthday to Lady Gaga. Friends planned to surprise her, but the plant they were hiding behind turned out to be Lady Gaga." "The Republicans have become the party of 'Hell no.' Joe Biden says the Democrats are the party of 'F**k yeah!'" "At the Kids' Choice Awards each winner took home a little orange blimp, as does anyone who dates Snooki." "On 'Celebrity Apprentice' Darryl Strawberry was fired after he said he was tired and wanted to go home. If only he knew of some substance to make him more energetic."

Craig Ferguson: "The movie I'm in, 'How to Train Your Dragon,'was #1 this weekend, and 'Alice in Wonderland' was #2, so I'm on top of Johnny Depp. Dreams do come true. It's just my voice. I like having only part of me in a movie. If only I could have another part in a movie. In the film I teach people to train dragons. I know how to do it because I once interviewed William Shatner." "I thought it was funny, so I called my mother and told her, 'I bought a tie in Thailand.' She thought I'd done something illegal. She thought I said, 'I bought a Thai in Thailand.'"

Tuesday, March 30

Strangie to Jay Leno: "The other big story is the policy of 'Don't Ask. Don't Tell.' But enough about the Vatican."

Jon Stewart: "My guest tonight is Robin Williams, a young understated comic who's taking coffeehouses by storm." "2 Girls, 1 GOP:" Story about the Republican National Committee spending $2,000 on a bondage faux-lesbian nightclub: "The Republicans are now the XXX-Treme Right, the Schwing Nuts." Robin Williams on Sarah Palin stumping for John McCain: "The prodigal daughter returns. It's 'The Lady and the Gramps.'" Palin was shown saying, "When you think about that first tea party, well, John McCain was there." Jon Stewart: "'I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.' Jesus, lady, this is a campaign speech, not a roast." Robin: "My gift bag had a bottle of scotch and a bottle of vodka, a little relapse kit. Thank you." On his heart surgery: "The nice thing about being given a cow valve is that you can crap standing up. But I can't eat meat, because my heart goes, 'It's one of us.'"

Stephen Colbert: "Roamin' Catholics: Scandal rocks the Church, even stronger than Creed."

David Letterman: "Happy Passover, not to be confused with what happened to Conan and me. That's passed over." "Have you been following March Madness? Kansas is out. Syracuse is out. Ricky Martin is out. He decided to announce he was gay after he got into a tickle fight with Representative Eric Massa." "Have you been watching Pamela Anderson on 'Dancing with the Stars'? They have to get her up at 8 a.m. to be sure she's fully inflated. Yesterday her tether broke and she floated out over the audience. Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is also on the show. When he stands next to Pam it looks like a Republican ticket." "The Republican National Committee spent $2,000 on a fake-lesbian bondage club. The Republicans have been going straight downhill ever since Bob Dole did that Viagra commercial. It was some sort of s&m sex club." Showed photo of John McCain with Sarah Palin in her leather jacket. Guest Luke Wilson: "My baby nephew sleeps a lot. He sleeps like he's going through a break-up." Top Ten Republican National Committee Excuses: 8 ."It wasn't a sex club, just a regular club where grown men tickle each other." 2." If we can't spend donor money at a sex club, the terrorists have won." 1. "Research for pending legislation 'No Stripper Left Behind.'"

Jay Leno: "Let's check in with the Republican National Committee." Showed clip of one woman whipping another." "A doctor finished a 5-year study and found the smell New Yorkers like most is vanilla. The smell they like least? New Jersey." "A study in Britain shows an increase in syphilis, directly related to Facebook use. If you're getting syphilis from Facebook, you're sitting way too close to the compute screen." Guest Joy Behar commenting on Glenn Beck: "I can't take a man who cries. It's enough on my wedding night I had to watch that." Jay: "Would you have Glenn Beck on your show?" Joy: "Yes. First I'd have him neutered and spayed." Clip of Ross Matthews interviewing busty, bikini-clad girl on spring break: "Your breasts are nice. How old are they?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "On the census form, under 'race' I put 'Amazing.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "We're supposed to have 4 or 5 inches of rain, though the male meteorologists are predicting 8 or 9 inches."

Craig Ferguson: "It's M.C. Hammer's birthday. Margaret Charles Hammer. Margaret Charles has fallen on hard times. I saw him up on Hollywood Blvd. with a sign that said, 'For $10 you CAN touch this.'" "The GOP spent $2,000 on a lesbian strip club. It's very embarrassing. I'm sure those strippers don't want people to know they're hanging out with politicians. How can these guys watch lesbians when they won't let gay people marry? 'You girls can have sex as long as you aren't married.'"


Nero Wolfe is hired to find a rich man's son, and great complications and multiple murders ensue. Narrated by the studly Archie Goodwin.

I didn't ham it, but I gave them all the words, which was no strain, since the only difference between me and a tape recorder is that a tape recorder can't lie.

With the orange juice the fog begins to lift, and with the coffee it's all clear. It's a good thing Wolfe breakfasts in his room, on a tray taken up by Fritz, and then goes up to the plant rooms. If we met before breakfast he would have fired me or I would have quit long ago.

"Not the way it was. Rita didn't ask him to leave it at the box office, she told him to, and he doesn't like to have her tell him to do things. So she does."

Wednesday, March 31

Strangie to David Letterman: "President Obama opened the whole East Coast to drilling. The West Coast will be taken care of by Jesse James."

Jon Stewart: "Thursday President Obama signed the health care bill. Friday he signed an arms control pact with Russia. Saturday he bypassed Senate approval and made 15 appointments. Sunday he appeared in Afghanistan. Health care was like intestinal blockage, and suddenly everything's spewing out. Now it's expansion of offshore oil drilling. What's next, I now pronounce you gay and married and in the Army?"

Stephen Colbert: "The government raided a militia that was afraid of the government, so technically the militia wasn't paranoid."

David Letterman: "Subway crime is rising. The good news, your 3rd visit to the emergency room is free. The Mayor says he still feels safe, but how does he get his bulletproof limo in the subway?" "King Tut is returning to New York, and General Grant is graciously letting him stay in his tomb. But if you want to see a mummified relic just watch Larry King, or have lunch with Regis." "How did Kate Hudson get traded to the Arizona Diamondbacks?" "Did you see 'Dancing with the Stars'? Ricky Martin cut in on Pamela Anderson and waltzed off with her partner. Also on the show is Buzz Aldrin, 2nd man on the moon. No word whether he's been on Pam." "The Republican National Committee said, 'Things are going so great, let's have a big party and let the donors pay for it. We'll go to a topless lesbian bondage place. Republicans love tying things up." "They're saying the reason Tiger Woods started sleeping with all those women was that he was hanging around with Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley. Same thing that happened to me." Guest Ricky Gervaise: "You just had on these turkey callers. Now all the fat people watching know how to call turkeys. They'll be out there tomorrow, bowl of gravy in their hands."

Jay Leno: "The Republican National Committee paid $2,000 for a party at a lesbian bondage show. At last the Republicans and Democrats have found a common ground." "President Obama wants to allow drilling off Florida, but it's a protected habitat. Not for wildlife, for Cuban swimmers." "Karl Rove got heckled at a book signing and sneaked out a side door. He's the first person in the Bush Administration with an exit strategy." Guest Bill Maher: "Nancy Pelosi got health care through. At last, a Democrat with balls. America looked at the tea party loons and said, 'We'll take the calm black guy.' And Sarah Palin ranting about death panels. Believe me, if we were going to get rid of useless people, she'd be the first to find out." "America's like a girl with low self-esteem. One unkind remark and the DOW drops a thousand points."

Jimmy Kimmel: "It's April Fool. You can do anything to anybody as long as you yell 'April Fool' after. It's past midnight. Go in and throw ice water on anybody sleeping, upload it to YouTube with 'Kimmel' in the title, and I'll run them tomorrow. Jesse James had an April Fool joke played on him. Somebody released this photo of a four-way he had with Bombshell McGee, a guy named Eric, and a woman named Skittles Valentine after a tattoo convention. He's gone into rehab. He says he's a sex addict, which is the adult version of the dog ate my homework." "The poor Octomom. Filling out her census form must be a full-time job." "Rickey Martin, as you may have read in the Wall Street Journal, is gay. I knew he liked me."

Jimmy Fallon: "Today President Obama threw out the first pitch, Joe Biden made the first error, and Sandra Bullock is preparing to throw out her first husband. Tiger is feeling himself outpaced, so he's quitting golf to concentrate on his affairs." "Sarah Palin has a new show on Fox about people who overcome adversity. She should do a story on that guy who became the 1st black president!"

Craig Ferguson: "It's Al Gore's birthday. He had a cake and a big bowl of ice cream and then realized it was his birthday." "They've built this huge Collider to find out how the Universe began. They should have saved the money and just asked Larry King." "Sarah Palin has a new Fox show interviewing celebrities. Wait a minute. There's only room for one middle-aged woman interviewing celebrities, and that's me." "Is a melon a fruit or a vegetable? Who cares when they look like that." "My father felt that if you had eggs in the fridge you were OK. 'We have eggs; we're rich. Now get me the shoe so I can hop to the store and dance for pennies.'"


Nero Wolfe is hired to find a rich man's son, and great complications and multiple murders ensue. Narrated by the studly Archie Goodwin.

[Inspector Cramer]: "Hello, Goodwin. Wolfe in?" That was a form of wit. He knew damn well Wolfe was in, since he was never out. If I had been feeling sociable I would have reciprocated by telling him no, Wolfe had gone skating at Rockefeller Center, but ...

Wolfe returned the tray to its place, sat, rang for beer, two short and one long, and roared at me, "No!" When a hippopotamus is peevish it's a lot of peeve.

 

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