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Relive History the Fun Way
Strange de Jim's Late-Night-TV Zinger Collection
Week 1: Jay Leno guest Larry the Cable Guy: "My wife didn't want to make love last night, so I reminded her I still had some rollover minutes."
Week 2: Craig Ferguson: "John Mayer has been overheard saying he only hooked up with Jennifer Aniston in the first place to get to Angelina Jolie."
Week 3: Stephen Colbert: "It's time to pay the piper, Bernie Madoff, probably with the assets of another piper."
Week 4: Jimmy Fallon: "Mexico is offering a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords. Here we give our top criminals bonuses."
Jon Stewart: "Three years ago Republicans controlled the Presidency and both houses of Congress. Now they control one-fifth of The View. Or one-eighth if you go by mass." "Sandra Day O'Connor's here tonight, and we'll go behind the robes to enter the life of a swing Justice." Jon showed a clip of Rush Limbaugh dressed all in black. "Rush appeared in an outfit color-coordinated with his soul. Rush believes so strongly in the institution of marriage that he's completed three of them himself."
Dave Letterman: "Luckily the foot of snow broke the fall of jumping stockbrokers. And in the suburbs you can't see the foreclosure signs." "So cold the hookers in Times Square had a special, fat guys free." "Guy in Moscow took a whole bottle of Viagra, and it killed him. They're still trying to close the casket." "So cold today, instead of the Yankees, Madonna's sleeping with the Miami Heat. So cold former governor Eliot Spitzer was happy to have a burning sensation." "Bernie and Ruth Madoff want to be allowed to keep $69 million, because they say that isn't money they swindled, that's money they saved by switching to Geico. It's money they saved by not investing with Bernie Madoff." "The economy's so bad, over a thousand people have volunteered to become the Obama dog." "Someone in Florida called 911 three times because McDonald's had run out of Chicken McNuggets. I said to myself, 'Rush Limbaugh, get some help!' As you know, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican party. They'll probably go with a different body." "Brad Pitt was talking to Congress today. Of course he's married to the original octomom." "The octomom's boyfriend, Dennis Bodine, says he's the father of all fourteen kids. So there's another success story for eHarmony.com. If I were that guy I'd be hiding in the mountainous border regions of Afghanistan." "The Obama girls have a new swing set, and it didn't cost the taxpayers anything. It's made from pieces of Dick Cheney's old guard tower. You know, there hasn't been any swinging at the White House since ..." "New York has a new Archbishop. The old Archbishop has moved to the 10 p.m. time slot." "A New Zealand airline is offering in-flight showers. The only way before that you could take a bath was if it landed in the Hudson." [A man had sex with a car wash vacuum cleaner.] "I never had sex with a vacuum cleaner, although you wouldn't know it to look at me. One time I did get to second base with my car's navigation lady." Guest Jon Stewart: "The octomom is the wave of the future. She'll provide us with workers, soldiers ..."
Jay Leno: "The Obamas have settled on the new First Dog. Actually it's the second choice. The first one had tax problems." "A British airline is going to start charging passengers $1.50 to go to the bathroom. Flights are no longer doody free." "A man was stopped for going 137 mph in a '93 Honda Civic. When the police told him he could have lost his life, he said, 'I'm driving a '93 Honda Civic. I have no life.'" "The octomom's house is being foreclosed, so she's already put three of the kids to work at Nike." "A 56-year-old woman is suing a 77-year-old man for giving her herpes. My question, where are the parents?" "There's a new method of snow removal for the big storm in D.C. They put A.I.G. in charge, and it just disappears." "This economy's so bad I saw Bill Maher in a church praying. Porn stars are having to take second jobs as actual pizza delivery guys." "A guy in Russia died after taking a whole bottle of Viagra to have sex with two women for twelve hours. At least he didn't have to talk to them afterwards. They've already made a movie about it, Die Hard." "'It's alive! It's alive!' You think that was first said by Dr. Frankenstein. No, it was said by Larry King after taking Viagra." "A.I.G. stands for 'And it's gone!'" "A man had sex with a coin-operated vacuum cleaner in a car wash, and he still had enough time left to clean his car." "Do steroids cause your testicles to shrink? A-Rod says, 'No, that's from watching The View.'" "Scare at the White House. Obama was interviewing potential nominees. There was a piece of paper on the table, and no one had ever seen anything like it. It was an income tax form." "An asteroid came within 45 million miles of Earth, which is closer than Paula Abdul has ever gotten. If it had hit Earth it would have been the biggest disaster since adjustable-rate mortgages." "A man in Massachusetts bought a wallet and found ten human teeth in it. Evidently it had belonged to Chris Brown's old girlfriend. Chris has been charged with two felony counts for beating up his girlfriend and one count of impersonating Bobby Brown." "Obama can't debate Rush Limbaugh. He'd have to move up five weight classes." "So many appointees have had to pay their back taxes that the IRS is paying Obama a finder's fee." "Barbara Bush is recovering from open heart surgery, while the country is recovering from her son's presidency." "Esquire named Prince Charles the world's best-dressed man. Second was Camilla." To guest Russell Brand: "I read in GQ you're going to become celibate." Russell: "That was just so people would say, 'We'd better get him quick.'" Guest Larry the Cable Guy: "When I was young I slept with an older woman. Today we call them cougars. I just called her Aunt Margaret." "My wife didn't want to make love last night, so I reminded her I still had some rollover minutes." "Jeff Foxworthy told me people are always asking if he's seen my latest movie, and he tells them he just flushed $10 down the toilet, so he feels like he's seen it." Jay to Larry: "Your kids are so cute they look adopted." Headlines: "Whale watching inspires new thoughts about dieting." Ad for breast augmentation from Dr. Rak.
Jimmy Fallon, new host on Conan O'Brien's old show: "Just before I went on, Rush Limbaugh called and said he wants me to fail." "When the troops in Iraq were told we're going to pull out, they said, 'Thanks, but the economy's better here.'" "Microsoft is going to open its own stores. They'll be just like the Apple stores, except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question." "A woman was arrested for breast feeding while driving. The actual charge was having an open container."
Stephen Colbert: "There's a new plan to get guns off the street. At last, a way to control gun prostitution." "I retain all my vitamins because I am always steamed." "Barack Obama put a swing set for the kids on the White House lawn. It even has a big slide so you can imitate the DOW Jones Average."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Rush Limbaugh was in Washington giving his 'No We Can't' speech." "I myself have never had a sexual problem, other than being too good at it." "The larger the Oprah the colder the weather in Chicago."
Craig Ferguson: "A mall in the Midwest is playing Barry Manilow music to drive away teenagers. It's working, but now the mall is infested with middle-aged gay people." "That's completely pointless. It's like getting a hooker for the Jonas Brothers." "It doesn't seem right to me that snakes made it onto the Ark but unicorns didn't. Or chocolate mousse. Or corn dogs."
Seth Meyers on SNL: "This week President Obama met with Brad Pitt, so I think everything's going to be okay." "A.I.G. is getting another $30 billion. For $10 billion they'll build a toilet to flush the other $20 billion down. And Citibank is the first stock on McDonald's dollar menu." "So 3/3/09 was Square Root Day, which won't happen again until 4/4/16. If you knew that, give me your lunch money." "The Iowa Department of Aging won't call themselves 'D.O.A.' because that also stands for 'dead on arrival.' They're just going back to their old name, 'Denny's.'"
Russell Brand special on Comedy Central: "Without fame this haircut just looks like mental illness."
Demetri Martin on Comedy Central: "Drink enough beer and everything turns into a bed. Drink a little more and everything turns into a toilet."
Jon Stewart: "Our guest tonight is the author of The Unforgiving Minute, evidently about my wedding night." Reporter Kristin Scholl: "In California you can't marry someone of the same sex, but if you're straight, unemployed, live with your mother, and have an Angelina Jolie fetish, you can have a whole litter." Title for Bernie Madoff story: "Bern After Pleading." The Daily Show had Nathaniel Frank, author of Unfriendly Fire, about gays in the military and how "Don't ask, don't tell" makes no sense. "They tried to talk Clinton out of it by saying, 'Imagine if every time you left the White House you had to take off your wedding ring, never mention Hillary ...'"
Jay Leno: "Michelle Obama was serving food to the homeless today. Isn't that nice, reaching out to the middle class?" "The economy's so bad it's now Chuck E. Government-Issue Cheese." "A study found that having family members in the stands improves an athlete's performance on the field. For instance, if A-Rod's cousin is there ..." "A man in Saginaw, Michigan, was arrested for having sex with a vacuum cleaner. If you hated emptying the bag before ... He said it was purely sexual. There were no attachments." "Korean dictator Kim Jong Il's son is being groomed to take over. He should know that this doesn't always work out." "A woman spent her 107th birthday at Disneyland. She was 78 when she got in line at Space Mountain." "Two female Utah teachers had sex with the same 13-year-old boy. He's doing ok, considering his best year's behind him. It's Utah, so when he grows up he's going to marry both of them." Chuck Norris turned 69 today. He's about to star in Texas Ranger with a Walker." "Amy Winehouse was arrested for attacking a fan. She should hook up with Chris Brown." "A 78-year-old man was arrested for trying to pick up a prostitute at 2 in the afternoon. He was just confused about the early bird special." "Bernie Madoff is headed for prison. Now he'll learn what it feels like to have his valuables mishandled." "The octomom was shown today fertilizing her lawn." "A 32-year-old woman, a self-esteem teacher, was arrested for trading nude photos with a 14-year-old student. She was a great teacher. His self-esteem went through the roof." "John Edwards gave a speech today, 'From Hair to Paternity.'" "Who would have thought A-Rod would need hip surgery before Madonna?" "An airline passenger was arrested when his cast turned out to be made of cocaine. Worst case of restless-leg syndrome in history." "Bristol Palin could see Levi Johnson with another woman from her front porch." "Madonna's relationship with that 22-year-old is purely physical. She's using him for sex, and he's using her for the senior discounts." Headlines: "Cop makes arrest in public bathroom after smelling crack." "Republicans turned off by size of Obama's package." Classified ad for "Boy toys $5." Guest Daniel Tosh: "Should we blame global warming on the Amish? I just look at them and realize how great all this technology is." "I'm sorry, but being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're going to have to work."
Dave Letterman: "The New York Stock Exchange, if you're interested, is now a 99¢ store." "That snake Bernie Madoff is trying to cut a deal with prosecutors. One thing he insists on, no conjugal visits from his wife Ruth. He wants to go to one of those country club prisons where they only make personalized license plates." "A-Rod is going to have hip surgery and be out of action for six to ten weeks, so Madonna's bringing up a couple of minor leaguers to try out for the position." "Amy Winehouse was arrested for punching a fan. If she wants to punch someone, how about her hair stylist?" "As the octomom said, that was more than I was expecting." "Today the wind blew the Statue of Liberty's dress up, and you could see her huddled masses." "Thursday, 25 of his victims get to go into court and abuse Bernie Madoff. I got the same thing after I hosted the Academy Awards." "When Bernie Madoff gets out of prison in 150 years, the recession might be over." "In Bulgaria they have a gypsy open-air bride market. Isn't that how Sonny met Cher? Isn't that where Regis gets his co-hosts?" "Guy in North Carolina almost died. He was in a tanning booth and heard popping sounds, and then there was fire. Sounds like when I took Viagra." "Do you think it's too soon for me to hit on Bernie Madoff's wife?" "The trainer says he injected Roger Clements with steroids in the Yankee's hot tub, but it was the scented candles I found creepy." "A guy plunged into Niagara Falls unprotected and survived. Next he says he's going to plunge into Pamela Anderson unprotected." "Sarah Palin's daughter and her boyfriend have broken up. Not that big a surprise. Even the Russians saw it coming. I think secretly Rush Limbaugh wanted them to fail. Right now Sarah Palin is in a helicopter hunting for the boyfriend with a rifle." "An elderly woman was rushed to the hospital. She'd hooked a sexual device up to a power tool. Please, get some help, Madonna!" "You think Friday the 13th isn't unlucky? Today Rush Limbaugh, the new face of the Republican party, walked under a ladder and got stuck. To make him more hip they're changing his name to Spongerush Fatpants." "It's been a year since N.Y. Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned, so for today only, the hookers in Times Square are offering a Full Spitzer." Guest Russell Brand said that when he met Queen Elizabeth he told her he found her so attractive that when he licked a stamp he started with the front." While heavily into drugs he had an interview show on British MTV. "I did mostly all of the talking, occasionally turning aside to be sick."
Jimmy Fallon: "Oprah has warned Rihanna that Chris Brown will attack her again. Oprah knows what she's talking about. She's suffered Big Mac attacks for years." "Warren Buffet says the economic situation is the worst thing that's happened since the attack on Pearl Harbor. Not as bad, however, as the movie Pearl Harbor." "Rihanna and Chris Brown are doing an album together. It has a great beat. It'll be a hit." "Bernie Madoff could go to jail for 150 years, and that's 500 in snake years. In jail one day, and he's already swindled two million cigarettes." "Twenty percent of the Sesame Street staff have been laid off. It'll be hard for them to get new jobs. After forty years they still don't know the alphabet." "The guy who threw shoes at George Bush has been sentenced to three years of high fives." "His first night in jail Bernie Madoff was ponzied twice." Guest Russell Brand: "I'm more than a method actor. I'm a methadone actor." Guest Tracy Morgan: "Three of the octuplets are mine."
Craig Ferguson: "If you want to get something special for Barbie on her 50th birthday, how about some genitals for Ken?" "They asked me to be on Dancing with the Stars, but they couldn't find a star to pair me up with." "Stocks went up 400 points today. I haven't seen anything shoot up this fast since Amy Winehouse." "I once saw Michael Jackson perform in London. This was years and years ago, before he was framed by all those unscrupulous children. He's having an auction to sell his strange junk, including four of his original noses. But Michael Jackson is not a freak. He's just a disturbed manchild living in a dream world." "John Mayer has been overheard saying he only hooked up with Jennifer Aniston in the first place to get to Angelina Jolie."
Stephen Colbert: "Michael Steele, Chairman of the RNC, is getting the Republicans back on track. In fact he's tied them to it." "Iran plans manned space flight by 2021, probably so they can attack Jew-piter." Guest Russell Brand on Chelsea Lately: "I had quite tender feelings for her, but she drifted away, as prostitutes are apt to do."
Tom Rhodes on Comedy Central: "Oprah should be the Pope: Poprah."
Seth Meyers on SNL: "If the ban on Brazilian waxes passes, New Jersey will become the Overgrown Garden State." [On S.F.'s flash mob pillow fight that necessitated costly cleanup] "You'd think in San Francisco feather cleanup would be part of the budget." "The annual Naked Bike Ride in Central Park will be followed by the annual Burning of the Bike Seats."
Larry the Cable Guy Roast on Comedy Central:
Larry: "Nick Dipaolo almost beat out Jeff Foxworthy to be host of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, until they found he was barred from coming within a hundred yards of any fifth graders."
Lisa Lampanelli: "'Git R Done!' You've beaten that motto so hard it's dating Chris Brown."
Greg Giraldo: "He's never worked as a cable guy. His name isn't even Larry. His whole act is a sham, like the Bible or the Holocaust. You could have been something else the people in your core audience had never seen: Larry the Dentist, Larry the Librarian, or Larry the High School Diploma."
Toby Keith: "Jeff Foxworthy is drug free. His urine is crystal clean, and, Larry says, salty. Larry blows him so often they might be cousins."
Warren Sapp: "I won't say he's racist, but the only black thing you'll see at a Toby Keith concert is a woman's eye."
Bill Engvall: "The only thing Larry's repeated more than 'git 'r done' is third grade."
Gary Busey: "I looked for Larry's movies in the video store. The clerk said they were hidden behind the porno." "Do you people even know who I am? Tell me, because I don't."
Jeff Ross: "I love you, Gary Busey. You're like Mickey Rourke without the comeback." "This roast is like shooting fish in a cracker barrel. Larry's shows have a three-drink minimum and a two-tooth maximum."
Maureen McCormick [of The Brady Bunch] to Jeff Foxworthy: "Jeff, I too appeared on a sitcom where the father was secretly gay."
Jeff Foxworthy: "I had a chance to be in Larry's movie Delta Farce, but I couldn't do it because I read the script." "Gary Busey is a lot like sex. You want to do it. You just don't want to be alone when you do it."
The Daily Show: Jon Stewart: "The Pope said using condoms made the AIDS situation worse. He also added that smoking cures cancer, and if you're looking for a good morning pick-me-up, try heroin." To guest Bruce Springsteen: "When they boo you do you pretend they're yelling, 'Bruce!?'" Bruce: "Yes, I do." John Oliver: "The war on science was the one war President Bush was winning." Samantha Bee interviewing a short seller: "Look, it's not your fault. Like, just because you rob the body doesn't mean you killed the guy." Segment title: "The Notorious AIG, IndigNATION, Populist Uprising '09." Clip of a news show commenting on protesters sending tea bags to Washington: "They're going to tea bag the White House." Jon Stewart: "I don't think he knows what tea bagging is. I'm glad our audience is perversion literate."
Stephen Colbert: "Everyone's upset about the huge bonuses at AIG. At least the money's not going to welfare." "It's time to pay the piper, Bernie Madoff, probably with the assets of another piper." Stephen went on the Today Show. Meredith Vieira: "Do you twitter?" Stephen: "I've twatted."
Jay Leno: "AIG stands for Adventures in Greed. They're trying to sell their office building in New York. It's 66 stories, none of them true." "St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland and sent them to Wall Street." "Bernie Madoff is getting Botox injections in jail. His cellmate's name is Botox." "Bristol Palin and her boyfriend have broken up. If two kids with no jobs or education, and a baby, can't make it ..." "On this day in 1781 an astronomer discovered Uranus, and let his ten-year-old son name it." "The top movie this past weekend is about a cab driver who picks up two gay cowboys. Wait, that's The Race to Brokeback Mountain." "Michael Jackson's farewell tour is selling out in London. Usually when Michael Jackson says farewell it's because you turned 15." About guest Obama: "Many people are surprised the President would come to NBC. You'd think he'd be tired of big companies on the brink of disaster with a lot of overpaid executives. You know, if I were President I'd watch the movie Air Force One while I was on Air Force One." President Obama: "Washington is like American Idol, except everyone is Simon Cowell." Jay the next night: "Security was tight for the President's visit, but once the bomb-sniffing dogs got over NBC's prime time lineup things settled down." "Bush is writing a book about the twelve toughest decisions he made as President. The title is 0 for 12." "There are new photos of Charles Manson. He needed them for his Match.com profile." "Today 40% of babies are born to unwed mothers. That mother? The octomom." "Porn star Jenna Jameson had twins. Even when she gives birth it's a three-way." Headlines: Restaurant ad for "Corned Beef and Garbage Dinner." Grocery ad for cake with "white buttcream icing." Ad for "Our World Famous Outhouse Fudge." To guest Betty White: "Do you know why you're here?" Betty: "Of course I do, Conan." Guest Jim Norton: "I actually have the kind of breasts I like on a woman, a saucy B-cup." Guest D.L. Hughley: "Michael Jackson is a great singer but a lousy baby-sitter."
Dave Letterman: "For St. Patrick's Day the city will suspend alternate-side-of-the-street urinating." "Levi Johnson said he and Bristol Palin just weren't ready to be married. That's okay, Sarah Palin wasn't ready to be vice president. Levi said before he gets married he has to grow up. It's like I have a twin!" "Bernie Madoff now sits alone 23 hours a day, and is only allowed to shower twice a week. It's like I have another twin. Today the guards went in and found him swindling himself." "For me sex is always enjoyable. Until I get the bill." "St. Patrick's Day, the biggest parade since the octomom gave birth. Today octomom was looking around in her purse, found two more kids." "For St. Patrick's Day the hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, for fifty bucks will drive the snakes out of your pants." "Thought I saw the first robin red breast of spring. Turned out to be a sparrow with a chest wound. You know it's spring in New York when the carjackers come in through your sun roof." "The Pillsbury Dough Boy is 49 today. He's living in Palm Beach with his longtime companion Speedy Alka-Seltzer. There's scandal that from 2001 t0 2003 A-Rod's cousin injected the Dough Boy with yeast." Julia Roberts parrying Dave's flirting. "I've been happily married for seven years, and you've been not married to Harry's mom for longer than that." Guest Billy Crystal: "The raccoon left a big poop on our front porch. We had that with my Uncle Mort, so I was used to it."
Jimmy Fallon: "Porn star Jenna Jameson had twins. She's naming them after her first pet and the street she grew up on." "President Obama was the first sitting President to appear on a talk show, not counting Thomas Jefferson on Larry King." "In his new audio tape Osama bin Laden says he's not giving back his bonus money." "President Obama got such great ratings on Leno that to promote his new book Bush is going on The Biggest Loser."
Craig Ferguson: "I don't know how St. Patrick got rid of the snakes. Put them on a plane, I suppose." "I don't know why tourists like to kiss the Blarney Stone. The natives love to pee on it." "Gays aren't allowed in the St. Patrick's Day Parade. Banning gays from a parade! That's cruel." "I view my own body as a petting zoo. I'm the main attraction. And the only customer." "I'd never tip a cow. That's just cruel. I would cut them up and eat them." "I can't stand sheep. Those big staring eyes and awful yellow teeth. They're like the Royal Family, really." Guest Steven Wright: "I have two pairs of reading glasses, one for fiction and one for nonfiction. I read the Bible once with each. There was no difference." "We played strip Russian roulette." Craig: "Do you like werewolves?" Steven: "If I had a choice I wouldn't." Jimmy Kimmel: Interviewing Andy Samberg: "In I Love You, Man you play a homosexual gentleman. How did you research the role?" Andy: "I just boned a bunch of dudes."
Demetri Martin on Comedy Central: "The best tattoo design is one that will also look good saggy." "Everyone's cutting back. Dr, Seuss is eating green eggs and Spam." He showed a green beret vs. a yellow jacket.
Joel McHale on The Soup: "There was a riot outside the auditions for America's Next Top Model. Ah, the annual running of the bulimics." "Porn star Jenna Jameson's twins are healthy, and happy to be someplace more private than her vagina."
Seth Meyers on SNL: "Poison blowfish testicles sickened several diners in Japan, probably because the testicles were from these Blowfish." [Showed photo of Hootie and the Blowfish.] "A new site protesting Facebook's banning of breast-feeding photos has 160,000 members, dozens of them women."
Jay Leno: "New Jersey is not going to ban Brazilian waxing. Too many women felt the rug was being pulled out from under them." "An AIG exec going through airport security had to empty his pockets, and guess what fell out? Senator Chris Dodd." "The economy's so bad Aunt Jemima killed Uncle Ben for the insurance money. When E.F. Hutton speaks he says, 'You want fries with that?'" "In baseball here in L.A., Japan beat Korea in a city full of Mexicans at the American national pastime." "A man in Arkansas was arrested for having sex with his neighbor's horse and dog. Not at the same time. He's not some weirdo. Though he did try to get the horse to bark like a dog." "Obama announced another faith-based initiative, his budget." "Saudi Arabia wants to ban women from TV, so evidently they get The View over there too." "We should bring our soldiers home from Iraq and Afghanistan and send over our investment bankers to wreak havoc." "Dr. Phil says he's taking a step back from the octomom. That's when you know you're a freak." "Hillary Clinton was just given a Planned Parenthood Award. Her birth control secret? Pants suits." "A local sperm bank is offering $200 off for sperm. The octomom just pulled up with a U-Haul." Headlines: Ad for "Lingerie for women and kids."
Dave Letterman: "So nice today the AIG executives were counting their bonuses in the park." "A-Rod, it turns out, goes to the same whorehouse as Eliot Spitzer. And for some reason Kobe Bryant's wife ended up with a diamond ring." "Bruce Willis is 54. His new bride is 30. His doctor said, 'Be careful, you could die hard.'" "If I seem in a bad mood tonight it's because CBS just declared me a toxic asset." "The octomom says she will never reveal the identity of the octodad. I thought, well, at least she can keep her mouth shut." Dave got married Thursday, March 19, and you might want to go to cbs.com and view the video of him announcing it on his show. "When you get married in Montana they ask if you're under the influence of drugs or alcohol. I said, 'No, damn it.'" Guest Mary Tyler Moore: "I resent this!" Dave: "What?" MTM: "This marriage! And I notice you're not wearing a ring." Dave: "No, there was some mix-up in the paperwork." "Last week I got married to Regina Lasko. She needed a green card. Talk about your March Madness. Another success story for eHarmony.com. I wanted to get married before my son did. We went to the courthouse, and the guy says, 'Are you the father of the bride?' My wife, of course, has a new name, Ruth Madoff Letterman." "Remember Martha Stewart went to prison for a couple of years. She killed a guy. Are you like me, you don't feel safe now that she's out? Well, Martha had some advice for Bernie Madoff. She told him to look up a prisoner named Soapy. Paris Hilton told Bernie to take it one day at a time. Of course she was only in one day." "Harry Houdini born on this day in 1874, thought to be the greatest escape artist in the world, until the octodad." "Michelle Obama is planting a garden at the White House. She was digging yesterday and uncovered three of Dick Cheney's hunting buddies." "My tax accountant has a deal. If you're audited, he throws in a conjugal visit. He keeps advising me to turn the show into a ministry." "Iraq is now open to tourism. You can tell it's tourist season because today an American had to dodge a pair of flip-flops."
Jimmy Fallon: "Seniors 70 to 75 are the fastest growing group on the internet, mostly on WrinkledFacebook." "A woman has been barred from a tennis tournament because she has both male and female genitals. Why? She'd be perfect for mixed doubles." "Mexico is offering a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords. Here we give our top criminals bonuses." "Yankee Stadium is being sold off -- the seats, the dugouts, the syringes." "Saudi Arabia may ban women on TV. Bad news for the show How I Met Your Mullah." "Bush's Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is writing a book about his part in the economic crisis. Oddly, it starts on chapter 11." "In a poll 20% said they'd rather win America's Top Model than the Nobel Prize. Amazingly, among them was Nelson Mandela." "Thousands of people are injured each year tripping over their own pets. Sadly, only 30% of these make it to YouTube." "The ShamWow guy has been arrested for assaulting a prostitute. Has he no sham?"
Craig Ferguson: "Paul Shaffer wrote the song 'It's Raining Men,' and the follow-up 'It's Drizzling Dudes,' which coincidentally is the title of a movie I once accidentally produced and starred in." Craig appeared on David Letterman and had to borrow a pair of suspenders. "I accidentally wore them home and didn't realize it until they began to chafe my nipple rings. I watched Dave's next show to see if his pants fell down, and found out he was married. Well, I can kiss that dream good-bye." "The only way President Obama could get more time on TV is if he had eight kids." "Pharmaceuticals have been found in lakes and rivers all across America, leading to fish with erections lasting more than four hours. Call me, Mr. Limpet." "Elton John is 62 today, but he's still feeling young ... men." "How can I give a college commencement address? I dropped out of school at 16. What can I say? Suckers!?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "The government is going to buy up all these toxic assets and sell them to China, and they'll make them into toys." "I don't know why Madonna is going to Malawi to adopt a baby when there are thousands who need a good home living right here with the octomom."
Stephen Colbert: "Young male lizards will impersonate females to fool aggressive older males into leaving them alone. Folks, the last thing we need is cold-blooded, leathery-skinned creatures dressed as Cher. Except Cher herself, of course. I'm a fan." "I've always said rainbows are God's way of frowning at gay people."
Demetri Martin: "A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen, because they're both colorful, but I don't want to do them." "Water polo is the only sport that lets you play and pee at the same time. I also like NASCAR, the most exciting form of traffic."
30 Rock: Alec Baldwin: "Until I was 12 I wore nothing but hand-me-downs." Jack Brayer: "I thought you were the oldest." Alec: "I was the oldest boy."
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