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Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Jon Stewart on James Cameron's claim to have found the tomb of Jesus and Jesus's son. "So God had a grandson? You can see the kid wanting a pony, and God says, 'You want a pony? I give you Seabiscuit."
Jay Leno: "Atheism is on the decline, but most atheists don't believe it." Also, "Martin Scorcese is doing a film about the Rolling Stones. It's called Old Fellas."
Craig Ferguson: "P. Diddy is accused of assaulting a guy. So P. Diddy or P. Didn't he?" On the two giggling teenage girls who robbed a bank: "It's just good to see women stealing money without using a divorce attorney."
Henry Winkler came on Craig to plug his new book Secrets. "I had a friend. He was deaf. He read the book, and now he can see."
On The Soup a clip showed a
reporter saying, "Larry Birkhead met Anna Nicole's baby. He fed her. He
burped her, and she threw up on him."
Joel McHale: "Pretty much the way he met her mother."
On VH1's Best Week Ever: "In the race with James Brown to get buried first, Anna Nicole wins by a nose—at least what's left of it."
Jay Leno: "Those two teenage girl bank robbers entered a plea of 'Whatever.'"
Craig Ferguson: "Mid-life crisis or second wind?"
Fox's Talkshow had The Dapper Daniels, a barbershop quartet that sings about homoerotic encounters. They did "I've Been Lurkin' Near the Railroad." Click for YouTube clip.
On Desperate Housewives, Lynette
begs Tom to just let her get to sleep early on their anniversary. Tom
says, "What about sex? I always get sex on our anniversary."
Lynette replies, "OK, just try not to wake me."
Stephen Colbert suggests a Democratic ice cream flavor: "Cut & Rum Raisin."
The Daily Show titles for the Scooter Libby story were "Aide Misbehaving" and "Verdict: Pants on Fire."
Joel McHale on The Soup: "Someday a heavily sedated tree will grow from Anna Nicole's grave."
Craig Ferguson: "Ernesto Gallo died at 97. Wine experts agree 97 is a good year to die. Bit of Gallos humor."
The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi: "Dubai welcomed Michael Jackson with open boys."
David Letterman: "It was so warm today Ann Coulter was insulting gays in the park."
Jay Leno "Headlines:" An ad telling seniors how to keep warm suggested, "Crap yourself in a blanket."
Chris Rock on Letterman: "I pray there's a God. I know there's Oprah." Chris drew gasps by saying that if comedian Richard Jeni, who just committed suicide, were alive he'd tell people to go see Chris's movie I Think I Love My Wife. "He's probably kicking himself he missed the opening."
Conan O'Brien telling how celebrities completed the phrase "Springtime always fills me with ..." "Paris Hilton said, 'Penises.'"
John Waters on The Daily Show talking about his new Til Death Do Us Part about marital murders. "I'm the Groom Reaper."
Andy Richter on Jay Leno: "I went to yoga once, but it made me too angry."
Conan on Star Jones' new program on Court TV. "In her honor the network has changed its name to Food Court TV."
Chris Rock on Conan: "Is America ready for a black President? We just had a retarded one." Also, "White women don't even have to look at the scales. They know they're getting too big when brothers start hitting on them." Chris's new movie is I Think I Love My Wife. "My wife has a movie coming out called I Think These Are Your Kids. Oh, and Anna Nicole's baby is mine, and I don't even remember having sex with her. You'd think my back would hurt or something."
Jon Stewart: "The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is so anti-gay he won't even shake hands with a Rear Admiral."
Jay Leno on 80-year-old Hugh Hefner marrying his 27-year-old girlfriend: "The wedding will be open casket. The bride believes that where there's a will there's a way."
Jimmy Kimmel, outraged that the audience hasn't voted off the lamest contestant: "I know it was funny when we re-elected Bush, but this is American Idol!"
Jay Leno: "Disney is doing its first cartoon with a black princess, Sleeping Booty."
Saturday Night Live had a skit on the new disease Restless Penis Syndrome. "With your help we can beat this thing."
Craig Ferguson: "That Boy Scout in North
Carolina was rescued by a dog named Gandolf. Do you know who I would
have sent into the forest to find him? George Michael. He can always
find a man in the forest."
Conan: "In Hollywood the other night, the producer of Girls Gone Wild was spotted hanging out at a gay bar. Which explains the title of the new DVD, Girls Gone Wild — At Least I thought They Were Girls; I Was Really Drunk.”
Jimmy K: "Yesterday the Supreme Court debated a case where a high school student in Alaska was suspended for bringing a banner that said, 'Bong Hits For Jesus' to school. The argument is whether the student’s right to free speech was violated. The case is Roe v. Weed."
Lois on Family Guy: "Oh no, I'm like that Texas mother who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water. I'm like Barbara Bush!"
David Letterman on Regis' open heart surgery: "For Regis it was the most successful surgery since he had Kathie Lee Gifford removed. And the good part is, he's no longer trapped in a man's body."
Adam Sandler subbing for David Letterman: "Dave has stomach flu, a common side effect of botox treatments."
David Letterman: "Jewish hookers wear two-piece outfits to separate the meat from the dairy." Dave also reported that the man who had sex with a dead deer was listed as a John Doe.
Jon Stewart on Hugh Hefner's upcoming wedding: "I think that's every 27-year-old girl's dream, to marry the 80-year-old kingpin of a smut empire."
Jay Leno: "The Airbus landed with 550 passengers today. That's the most people who've ever arrived in LA in a single vehicle legally."
On a PBS skit: "Have you ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you can't stand?"
"Oh, not since I was nine."
Jay Leno: "Did you hear about that woman who grew a nipple on her foot? At least now her husband knows when her feet are cold." Headlines: A menu with "Seven corpse dinner" and a grocery ad for "Pampers baby wipes with meatballs."
Jon Stewart on the Attorney General trying to explain the lies in which he's been caught: "I've heard more convincing explanations from my two-year-old on how feces got in the DVD." Also, "Barak Obama and Mrs. Clinton are sort of the Madonna and Sean Penn of the campaign. I'm not saying which is which."
Jay Leno: "P. Diddy and his girlfriend had tantric sex for thirty hours straight. You know what she said when it was all over? 'Ooh, I was this close!'"
Stephen Colbert: "The Postal Service is getting ready to introduce a new set of Star Wars-themed stamps. The plan is in May they’re going to issue a really cool set of Star Wars stamps, then in 15 years, they’ll release a second set of Star Wars stamps that suck."
David Letterman:" It's actually not that nice out right now. It’s cloudy and warm — like a Barry Bonds specimen." And, "Happy birthday to Hugh Heffner — 81 years old today. Quite a guy. You know, Hugh Heffner takes so much Viagra, that when he dies it’s going to be an open coffin."
Craig Ferguson: "Hillary Clinton raised 2.6 million dollars at a Hollywood fund-raiser last night. Do you know who wasn’ there? Bill wasn’t there. Do you know where he was? He was in New York at Elton John’s birthday partry! Well, you know Bill . . . he loves the fat girls." And, "There’s a couple of paparazzi who are suing Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson for physically and verbally abusing them. Suing them! I would pay for that!"
Late-Night Host Products
|Exercises for opening your heart, lighting up your chakras or energy centers, and believing your dreams into reality.|
Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.
What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007
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