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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night-TV Zinger Collection

 

March 2000

Week ending 3/3/00

In his appearance with guest hostess Kathie Lee Gifford on Late Night With David Letterman, actor/comedian Tom Arnold told how his gay brother Chris was coming with his new lover Tony to spend the weekend at Tom's house. Tom was nervous about being alone with two gay guys, and when they arrived, they were fighting and told him they'd just split up, so Tom was thinking, "I don't want to waste any time on this guy, because I'll never see him again." However, he was left alone with Tony, who started talking about how much he loved Chris, and pretty soon Tom called Chris in and said, "This is a wonderful guy. You're an idiot if you break up with him," and they got back together.  

Then Tom told Kathie Lee about his web site, www.marrytom.com. Supposedly over half a million women have checked out this site on which Tom invites ladies to register for dates with him. The requirements are simple: "An adult single woman of child-bearing age, good with children, willing to relocate, has goals, and self-confident enough to wear a bathing suit on vacation." More than anything Tom wants to get married and have a family. He has Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and a low sperm count, but he can still impregnate you. Just fill out the form provided on the web site. Ladies, start your engines!

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"When I went in for my quintuple bypass, my whole life flashed before my eyes—except 1982 - 1993. NBC owns the rights to those years."

"The doctor called this morning and said, 'Soon you'll be able to have sex. I've heard that for years."

"I'm on decaf now. What I miss most is the road rage."

"Bradley and Gore—talk about your decaffeinated coffee!"

"Bob Jones University. BJU. Isn't that where Monica Lewinsky went to school?"

Guest Norm Macdonald said he was a little on edge because, "I get nervous around sick people." He recounted the time he got drunk and woke up in bed beside a fat bearded guy: "Gay guys are so far ahead of things they don't even use a lady."

George W. Bush appeared via satellite Wednesday night in one of the weirdest interviews ever. Beforehand, Dave said, "He's on satellite, so he'll be here, but he won't really be here. We had a similar situation with Farrah Fawcett. George W. came off looking like a real idiot. Afterwards Dave mentioned that George W. will be on Jay Leno Monday night and commented, "That's a real summit meeting there."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Did you see where scientists have invented a marijuana suppository? Now you can smoke pot and have a crack problem. They'll call it Maui Owee. You get an uncontrollable urge to sit on a Twinkie. Talk about a cigarette butt! Pass gas and the whole room gets high. At least friends won't nag you to pass it around. And if a woman is squirming in her seat you don't know whether she's adjusting her thong or her bong."

"The Marijuana Initiative. I like saying it. It's the only time you get to say 'marijuana' and 'initiative' in the same sentence."

"Kathie Lee Gifford is quitting her morning show. Frank Gifford was so stunned he fell off his flight attendant."

"Tonya Harding was drunk, playing video poker and bashing her boyfriend with a hubcap. That's pretty much the white trash triple crown. Think how mad she must have been to pry a hubcap off her house. Actually, I'm surprised she threw it. It was part of her wedding china."

"Darryl Strawberry has failed so many drug tests he's being inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame."

"When it was revealed that magician David Copperfield never had sex with supermodel Claudia Schiffer he said it was because he didn't want to reveal how it's done."

"J.C. Penney is closing 300 stores—more bad news for Tonya Harding."

"Ball Park Franks has come out with individually wrapped hot dogs. It's like each rat gets its own coffin."

"Jennifer Lopez's dress at the Grammys. That's one way to get people to stop looking at your butt. Her boyfriend Puff Daddy didn't win a Grammy, but he said it was an honor just to be indicted."

"Cher knew she was going to win. A week ago she had her plastic surgeon put a surprised look on her face."

"A department store in Austria is offering $300 in clothes to anyone who will show up at the store completely naked. I just hope they don't do that in K-Mart here in Burbank."

"Dennis Rodman got drunk this week and married 'multimillionaire' Rick Rockwell."

"Rick Rockwell and Darva Conger each get 7-1/2 minutes of fame."

"Wasn't Rick Rockwell the pimp on The Flintstones?"

"Rick Rockwell is now looking for a bride on the internet. You know. You get used to being married after half a day ..."

"The Jon Benet Ramsey movie was killed in the ratings by the Beach Boys biography, leading Mrs. Ramsey to say to her husband, 'See. We should have killed the Beach Boys."

"Patsy Ramsey is coming out with a book. She wanted to branch out from just writing ransom notes."

"Hillary Clinton is being backed by lawyers and Disney—the crooked and the Goofy."

"The Tenth Kingdom on NBC is so bad it'll be followed by Chapter 11."

"Did you see where eBay wouldn't let this guy auction off his soul? They said, 'If you want to sell your soul, you'll just have to run for President like everybody else'."

"You heard about the astronauts having sex in space? It was just like on Earth. The next day, he still didn't call."

"Michael Douglas' new film Wonder Boys is rated R, so his fiance can't get in to see it."

"I remember the time David Hasselhoff got really mad at me, when I said I knew a character was his real evil twin because the twin couldn't act either." 

On Monday night Headlines:
"Only one hotel gives you 2 nights and crabs for $169."
"Whole boneless ice cream."
"Ass pickles $1.99"
"Gore Is Getting a Lift From Clinton's Spurt."

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Frank Gifford says, 'Just my luck. She leaves Regis.'"

"Thirty women were arrested for pulling up their blouses in New Orleans. There's a $10 cover charge for the police lineup."

"There'll be no more Monica Lewinsky Jenny Craig commercials—you know, 'A shake in the morning and then a sensible penis."

"The Queen of Spain slipped while greeting President Clinton. He says, 'Hey, I just barely goosed her.'"

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Jennifer Lopez's dress was so amazing CBS couldn't believe its eye."

"Both John McCain and George W. Bush are taking credit for Kathie Lee Gifford leaving her morning show."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"In honor of Jennifer Lopez's dress, they're changing the Grammys to the Golden Globes."


Week ending 3/10/00

David Letterman on The Late Show:
"There was a lucky mix-up at the hospital. I went in for a routine facelift, and instead I came out with a baboon's heart. Now I can do anything."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:
"Public Enema: Katie Couric had an on-air colonoscopy. It was her colon's small-screen debut." [There was a shot of the tube being moved toward Katie and then a shot from inside her rectum, which merged into a similar-colored cave with spelunkers, followed by a doctor telling Katie, "Your colon is clean as a whistle!"] Jon gingerly lifted a whistle out of his pocket and threw it away while going, "Yuck."

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"George W. Bush thanked John McCain for bringing out the best in him. Good God! That was his best?! George W. won the three biggest states. I wonder if he can name them."

"Did you folks see New York's Gay & Lesbian Irish Parade? There was Janet Reno throwing up into a green plastic derby. Hillary Clinton went. She wanted to spend time with people who haven't had sex with her husband."

"The Vice President is trying to loosen up his image by renaming himself 'Weird Al Gore.' I don't think it's working. He visited Grant's Tomb today, and they wouldn't let him out."

Decaffeinated coffee:
"It's useless warm brown water."
"Say goodbye to your will to live."
"It's what they're drinking in hell."

On Mardi Gras: "In New York we don't need an excuse to get blind drunk and urinate in the streets."

Introducing Kathie Lee Gifford: "Last week the nation was stunned when our next guest was fired from the Regis Lee/Kathie Lee Show."

Kathie Lee: "I've been up before the cock for 18 years."

Dave: "I don't know if I have to be careful about hugging you. Tonight when you and your husband are watching the show at home ..."
Kathie Lee: "Oh, we never do. Frank has never liked you, Dave."

Guest host Nathan Lane:

"I was devastated about Dave's heart surgery. I said, 'My God! I have movies to promote!'"

"Now that she's quitting her show, Kathie Lee will have to fire those two adorable actors who play her children."

"Tonya Harding throwing tools and hubcaps at her boyfriend. She's the evil twin of Mr. Goodwrench."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Bill Bradley gets the award for 'Worst Performance in History of a Basketball Player Not Playing for the Clippers.'"

"A man was arrested for selling crack dyed green for St. Patrick's Day. The man's name was Darryl O'Strawberry."

"Bob Jones University didn't allow interracial dating. If Michael Jackson went there, he couldn't even touch himself. But now they've dropped the interracial dating ban—as long as you have a note from your parents and you're not Catholic."

On the Southwest Airlines plane that couldn't stop on the runway in Burbank and plowed through a fence onto a city street, ending up in a Chevron station: "The passengers can't sue. Their tickets said 'non-stop.' The new Southwest slogan is 'Fly the friendly streets.' Each passenger does get one extra frequent flyer mile. Luckily there was no one at the gas station. Bill Bradley was having a rally there at the time. The nose was ripped off the plane. Tori Spelling's man is going to fix it."

"Miss Northwest Arkansas was arrested for drunk driving after delivering a speech condemning drunk driving. You know what she told the state trooper? 'And I don't give a rat's ass about world peace either!'"

"Host Jay Thomas said one of those 50 women who wanted to marry a millionaire was actually a drag queen. So Rick Rockwell's honeymoon could have been a lot worse."

"Gas is so expensive SUV now stands for Stationery Utility Vehicle."

"Because of the floods, a woman in Mozambique was forced to give birth in a tree. Her HMO said she had to be out of the tree in two days."

"In space all Clinton's girlfriends would be weightless. Monica could be over the desk."

"I thought the Latin explosion was something that happens after your third burrito."

Guest Garry Shandling:

"Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, 'Are you just going to sit around like that all day?'"

"I'm married to God—until I find a woman. Then God can get His own chick."

"I couldn't do a nude scene on tv, because there isn't room."

"I don't need Viagra. I need a pill to help me talk afterwards."

"I had a quadruple vasectomy."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

After watching a clip of John McCain telling reporter Maria Shriver, "Please get out of here," Jon commented, "She left, but ... [in her husband Ahnold's voice] she'll be bahck!"

Guest Bob Dole: "When Al Gore gives a fireside chat, the fire goes out." Also: "I sent John McCain all my best concession speeches. No matter whether Gore or Bush wins, the President will be a 4-letter word."

Guest Ellen Degeneres: "I love you. And I think I speak for all lesbians."
Jon Stewart: "Can I be a lesbian?"
Ellen: "Anyone can."

Correspondent Vance Degeneres (Ellen's brother) interviewed several childhood friends of George W. Bush who talked about his "cooties."

After a clip of George W. Bush saying, "When I was growing up in Midland, Texas, I wanted to be Willie Mays," Jon explained, "Of course, they only had radio back then."

To counter Deborah Norville's week in jail, The Daily Show sent Nancy Walls to be locked up in a kennel. Her report: "The biggest enemy is sheer boredom. There are newspapers, but they're spread over the floor in no particular order, so they're hard to read. And I don't think anyone tried to spay Deborah Norville while she was asleep."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Jesse Jackson is endorsing the Vice President because there are a lot more words that rhyme with 'Gore.'"

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"There was a big price drop on Wall Street. High-tech investors were jumping out of Microsoft Windows."

"Pinochet was greeted in Chile by the few people he hadn't killed."

"A woman in Mozambique gave birth in a tree, and there was no one to cut the cord, so her kid is now the world's youngest bungee jumper."

On a woman arrested at the airport for drug smuggling: "Authorities suspected the woman had cocaine in her bra because her breasts just wouldn't shut up."

"I gasped when I saw the picture of that Southwest plane in the gas station. That plane came within inches of ... having to pay $1.70 a gallon for gas."

"At the first Atlanta Braves game John Rocker will throw out the first immigrant."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Arizona is the first state to allow voting on the internet. Now Americans can make important decisions in their underwear, just like President Clinton."

"Hillary Clinton is taking a lot of heat for marching with lesbians. Up to now she's only been accused of being a carpetbagger."


Week ending 3/17/00

David Letterman's Top 10 Most Popular Shows at the Vatican:
10. "Friends ... Of the Lord"
9. "World's Scariest Popemobile Chases"
8. "Kids Say the Darndest Things and as a Result Go to Hell"
7. "Platonic Love Boat"
6. "Live! With Jesus & Kathie Lee"
5. "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch Is Burned at the Stake"
4. "Beverly Hills XDCCX"
3. "Everybody Loves Praying"
2. "Virgin Mary Tyler Moore"
1. "M*A*S*S"

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Al Gore wants to debate George W. twice a week on tv. I'd better warn him; the American public doesn't respond well to threats."

"Shape up, [bandleader] Paul. This is CBS, but it's still being televised."

"The Clinton scandals can't hurt Gore. They didn't even hurt Clinton."

Guest Al Franken: "The first politician I ever endorsed was Pol Pot. A year later I saw The Killing Fields and felt like an idiot."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

Star athlete Jason Freehorn proposed to gorgeous Angie Harmon in front of Jay and Elton John. The next night Jay admitted, "It's just like high school. I was talking with the most beautiful girl in school; a football player showed up and took her away; and I was left listening to Elton John."

"Gas is so expensive guys are dating Monica Lewinsky just for her siphoning skills."

"Prostitutes in London's Soho district have gone on strike. Soho will be Noho for awhile."

"In a related story, Heidi Fleiss has filed for bankruptcy. Yes, she's going belly up. She's so broke she's calling herself The Planet Hollywood Madam. But listen, here's one going-out-of-business sale you don't want to miss."

"In her new book Cybill Disobedience, Cybill Shepherd says she once had sex with two Hollywood stuntmen at the same time. Is that a union thing?"

"Who Want to Marry a Millionaire bride Darva Conger says she'll pose nude if it's 'tasteful.' You know the difference between porno and tasteful? The donkey."

"It's so hot today that Southwest planes are cruising down the street with their tops down."

"To all you parents of kids on spring break, yes, you may already be grandparents."

"They're now cloning pigs. It's the first step in creating a Clinton girlfriend."

"Britney Spears is dating a Backstreet Boy, and even she doesn't know which one it is."

"Mission to Mars opened today. It's about a group of actors who go to another planet to escape bad reviews. Oh, and speaking of Uranus, Rick Rockwell... The so-called multimillionaire, is doing stand-up in Arizona. You know his big new line—'Take my wife, please.'"

"Kathie Lee Gifford said the prescription for getting over Frank's cheating is lots of sex. Frank likes the prescription. He just wishes he could get it filled in another pharmacy."

The next night: "Frank Gifford is now wearing a neck brace. I hear he tried to hang himself when he learned Kathie Lee would be around the house all the time."

"The National Rifle Association is feuding with President Clinton, who once left the country for four years to avoid carrying a rifle."

"Football's Dan Marino retired after 17 years in the league. And not one murder!"

"Catholics just apologized for 2,000 years of mistakes, and the Baptists apologized for President Clinton. Incidentally, scientists have mixed the genes of Bill Clinton and an Englishman to get a man with a normal sex drive."

On Katie Couric's on-air colonoscopy: "The producers first got the idea of shoving a camera up a Today Show anchor's rear end with Bryant Gumbel."

"They're now making baby bottles shaped like a woman's breast. They ought to make beer bottles like that."

"Frank Gifford's not a young man anymore. When he had sex with that flight attendant, the oxygen mask dropped down."

"Halle Berry [involved in a car mishap] will be in a sequel: Driving Into Miss Daisy."

"Al Gore has the opposite problem of George W. Bush. When Al's asked about Chinese leaders, he has to pretend he doesn't know who they are. And Bush says he'll debate Gore 'when people are paying attention.' If people were paying attention, Bush wouldn't be the candidate."

Guest Elton John: "Two black lesbians. One says to the other, 'You de man!'"

Monday Night Headlines:
"Smith Wins Spilling Bee"
"Church Closes Food Bank Because It Attracts Poor People"
"For sale: Pee dispenser and candy"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Immaculate Contrition: The Pope apologized for everything the Catholic Church has ever done wrong. It looks like somebody's trying to get into Heaven. Sometimes 'culpa' is the hardest word to say. Meanwhile, I'm issuing the Jewish Apology. We're really sorry about Yentl."

Guest Garry Shandling: "The Pope is single too. You don't hear people saying he has commitment problems."

"A National Rifle Association shot his big mouth off today. Unfortunately, that's just an expression. Wayne LaPierre of the NRA attacked President Clinton. LaPierre condones killing because he needs the sweet nectar that is human blood."

Guest Eddie Izzard: "They say guns don't kill people; people kill people. But I think the guns help. Just standing there saying 'bang' doesn't really hurt anybody."

"Love Sphinx: Egyptian women can now divorce their husbands."

Story of Salman Rushdie and his new young honey: "Eschewing the Fatwah: She's already a successful model, but the real money will be in luring Salman out into the open."

"The Green Party is represented by Ralph Nader, who at the moment is still wandering around the abandoned set of Donahue."

Correspondent Frank De Caro on the movie Boys Don't Cry: "I call it Cross-Dressing Dangerously."

Other Segment Titles:
"Mirror, Mirror on the Block:" Chicago Tribune buys L.A. Times-Mirror
"The Blarney Stoner:" Clip of drunk Irishman

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"I didn't get much sleep last night. At 3 in the morning a guy started banging on my door, screaming and yelling. So I got up and let him out."

"Darva Conger is going after a new millionaire. Pretty soon she'll be Darva Philbin."

"Bush or Gore, or as I call them Bore. Al Gore made a little boner, telling the students at a school for the blind, 'You ain't seen nothing yet.'"

"Here are the Super Tuesday results at a glance. We're all screwed."

"A spokesman for John McCain says, 'Anyone looking for a good spokesman?'"

"Pamela Anderson is splitting up again. In a related story, I'm single and like to make home movies. So call me, Tommy Lee."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"President Clinton says running out of gas should be a dating ploy and not a reality."

"Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford are having so much sex now that he's begging her, 'Couldn't I just work in a sweatshop instead?'"

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Not only are we stuck with these two boors, Gore and Bush, we can't even afford the gas to get away. A poll has shown that women prefer Gore, while men prefer Bush, except gay men, who can't develop a taste for Bush."


Week ending 3/24/00

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Our long national nightmare is over. They've found the Oscars. The theft was the most embarrassing thing that's happened to the Academy since I hosted the awards."

"I've moved from Connecticut to Westchester so I can vote for Hillary."

"For my heart surgery they went in through my wallet."

"On my census form I listed a wife and three kids. I didn't want to look like a loser."

"Until the New York cab shortage is solved, it's ok to urinate in busses."

"For St. Patrick's Day there were 3,000 arrests, and those were just the Kennedys."

"When I heard Madonna was pregnant, I, like every man in America, tried to remember how many months it had been since I'd had sex with her."

Re: Dave's crusade against decaffeinated coffee ("It's useless warm brown water," "Say goodbye to your will to live"), my friend Michael Zambotti says, "I use it to sober up after a night of drinking non-alcoholic beer."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"The Ramsey book is an alibiography."

"In New York Bill Clinton is having trouble finding a golf club that will accept him. O.J. can play anywhere he wants."

"India is fixing its potholes for Clinton's visit. Why? He's from Arkansas. While he's in India Clinton may ride an elephant. That'll bring back memories. He couldn't go to one village in Bangladesh. It's one where they stone adulterers. One good thing, cows are sacred in India, and no one makes a cow feel more special than Clinton."

"Monica Lewinsky fired her new personal trainer for talking to the press. It's ironic for Monica to be firing someone for opening his mouth."

"Madonna is with child. Well, so is Michael Douglas."

"Screaming Jay Hawkins is dead, leaving 57 children. His wife is the one who should be screaming."

"Little Elian has to go back to Cuba. But not after a big meal. They'll wait an hour before putting him in the water."

"Put kitty litter in your shoes, and it'll take away the odor. Unless, of course, you own a cat."

"Sex after a fight is often the best there is, which is why you're never allowed in the locker room right after a prizefight."

"The Oscars were stolen. Security guard Gary Coleman was sleeping at the time."

"They found the stolen Oscars in a dumpster—along with Darva Conger's unused negligee, some of Patsy Ramsey's practice ransom notes, Jim Carrey's Oscar acceptance speech and some rolled-up socks belonging to Ricky Martin. The guys who stole the Oscars said it doesn't matter if they're convicted. It was an honor just to be arrested."

The four female orgasms:
Positive: "Oh yes, oh yes!"
Negative: "Oh no, oh no!"
Religious: "Oh God, oh God!"
Fake: "Oh Jay!"

"The Pillsbury Doughboy turned 39. The next time he gets poked by that finger, it'll be a prostate exam."

"I had my car towed today. It was cheaper than buying gas."

"It was so hot in L.A. today I was sweating like Mick Jagger at a paternity hearing. I was sweating like the Ramseys on 20-20.""

"Hillary Clinton's becoming a rapper, Queen Subpoena. Bill Clinton is Run DNA."

"Britney Spears caught her boyfriend, Justin Timberlake of 'Nsync, lip-synching to another girl."

"The weather's been so beautiful in Texas they're executing prisoners outside."

Monday Night Headlines:

"Found: Small black dong in Shadow Mountain"
Ad for "Hormel Ass Chops"
Ad for "Bone-In Pork Butt Roast"
Ad promising "Free crust with every pizza"
Ad for "Iron-on Tattoos and Patches"
Newspaper story: "The dump truck driver who dropped processed human excrement on the Interstate was charged with dumping his load."

Weddings:

Burger-King
Collard-Green
Gross-Housekeeper
Cross-Dressing
Moron-Clinton
Brown-Butts
Poos-Loud

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"The Host and the Darkness: Alex Trebec took "Bitter & Jealous for $1,000" when he complained that on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire the questions are too easy and Regis Philbin isn't that smart. Trebec, who reads off index cards for a living ..."

"London cabbies spend years learning the street layout. In New York, cabbies learn which thermos is for coffee and which is for urine, and which they can drink in front of the passengers."

"Enemy's Lisp: Criticized by Gov. Bill Owens of Colorado for being too soft in her interview with the Ramseys, Barbara Walters said, 'I'm not here to defend myself.' She then added, 'If I did defend myself, the dragon tattoo on my chest would be the last thing you'd ever see.'"

"A Farewell KISS: The members of KISS have donned their chain mail and support stockings for the last time."

"In the Can: The stolen Oscars were found in a dumpster. An Academy spokesperson stated that any statues that were nicked or dinged would simply be handed out in the technical categories."

"To Elian Gonzalez. Hey, kid, if you wanted to stay here, you should have fallen down a well. We love that."

Jon: "In her new book Cybill Shepherd admits to spending a night with Elvis Presley."
Beth Littleford: "I hope it was the skinny one."

Announcing that Monty Python was getting back together again for a tour, Jon brought on Eric Idle, who said, "Actually it's just me that's getting back together again. In fact, I think the others are all dead, aren't they? My show will feature 'Spot the Loony.' The most peculiar audience memeber will be brought on-stage and asked to donate their liver."

In filling out his census form, correspondent Stephen Colbert claimed he lived in a mobile home with 50,000 people, so he'd qualify for his own congressperson.

More Segment Titles:
"Taipei Personality:" the Taiwan elections
"Rug Trafficking:" lift of import duties for Iran.

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"An Arkansas man got ten months for mooning the judge during his trial on another charge."

"Monty Python's Eric Idle is appearing in Liverdance."

Colin Quinn on Saturday Night Live:

"Salman Rushdie's new girlfriend is said to have a body to die for."

"Leonardo DiCaprio's brother was arrested for attempting to murder his girlfriend, leading O.J. to say, "Not so easy is it?"

"A crowd booed Hillary Clinton and told her to go back to Arkansas. She was unfazed, having suffered similar abuse from her husband."

On the Kennedy arrested for murder: "Because he's a Kennedy he could end up with 5 to 20 ... chins."

On high gas prices: "George W. Bush said he'd invade Alaska and steal their oil."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"If Madonna's child is a boy, it'll be the longest relationship she's ever had with a man."

"This is not the first time an Oscar has been stolen. In 1993 Marisa Tomei stole an Oscar for My Cousin Vinnie."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Little Elian has to go back to Cuba, which is a pity, since he was next in line to impregnate Madonna."

"Gas is so expensive that today Halle Berry hit and stayed."

"The Pope is in the Holy Land, doing his victory lap."

"The hard part was removing the Oscars from the dumpster without disturbing Jan-Michael Vincent. The case had been so baffling the L.A. cops didn't even know who to plant the evidence on."


Week ending 3/31/00

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show: "The Oscars: Four Hours You'll Never Get Back: Hilary Swank won for Boys Don't Cry —unless they're married to Hilary Swank [shot of Hilary's husband, Chad Lowe, crying as she accepts her award]. Hilary stuffed the Oscar down her pants and hit the bars."

Billy Crystal at The Oscars [Billy was carried out and "planted" on the stage by a member of the L.A.P.D.]

"This is the Oscars, otherwise known as 'Regis' Night Off.'"

On the stolen Oscars: "The thief still has three Oscars. The police describe him as armed and pretentious."

"Green Mile's the place to be. Tom Hanks is there, but he can't pee."

"Dr. Laura couldn't be here tonight. She couldn't get anyone to do her hair and make-up."

"Hilary Swank is up for Best Actress With a Supporting Part."

"In The Sixth Sense Haley Joel Osment saw things that weren't there, like Bruce Willis with hair. He may go home with Oscar and with Cher."

"The Pope has just apologized for Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo."

As the stars were shown on the screen, Billy told what they were thinking:
Annette Bening: "I hope the baby doesn't look like David Crosby."
Dame Judith Dench: "This thong is killing me."
Michael Clark Duncan: "I see white people."
Willie Fulgear (who found the lost Oscars): "This is nice, but what I really want to do is direct."

Other Oscar Bits:

Cher: "You'll notice I'm dressed as a grown-up. I apologize to the Academy, and I'll never do it again."

Kevin Spacey on why he was presenting an award without Annette Bening: "In her condition I can't ask Annette to climb stairs, unless she wins, in which case she'll crawl up here on all fours."

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"I watched the Oscars. I was amazed a show that long would have the gall to give an award for 'Editing.' It's a shame the show wasn't as tight as Faye Dunaway's face. The show was so dull I thought I was hosting."

"Due to a mix-up, young Haley Joel Osment from The Sixth Sense was accidentally returned to Cuba today. It looks like little Elian himself is going back. We return any Cuban who can't pitch."

" Willie Fulgear, the guy who found the Oscars, is really milking this celebrity thing. Last night he was involved in a nightclub shoot-out with Jennifer Lopez."

"On your New York return this year you can check a box if you want to donate a dollar toward sending Hillary back to Arkansas. They're saying her run for the Senate is just a step toward running for President. That's just what we need, Bill Clinton back in the White House with even more free time."

Wondering why CBS hasn't had him tape any of those "The Address Is CBS" promos: "They know I lived through the surgery, right?"

*****

David Letterman's Top 10 Lists:

Top 10 Signs Madonna is Settling Down:
10. Says "please" and "thank you" during sex with nameless strangers.
9. Baby-proofed cabinets using her old handcuffs.
8. Pizza delivery boy just delivers pizza then leaves.
6. "When asked"'Who's the father?" actually has a few good leads.
2. No longer qualifies for quantity discount on batteries at Radio Shack.

Top 10 Facts About Beef:
8. It comprises 3 percent of the average McDonald's cheeseburger.
7. It tastes great, then a couple of hours later an alien bursts out of your stomach.
6. Madonna seems to like it.
5. Cows are keeping a list of people who eat beef for when they rise up and kill the humans.
2. Something about George Michael and a public restroom.
1. It's been seen sneaking out of Oprah's house early in the morning.

Top 10 Tips for Living 100 Years:
6. For the love of God, don't name your kids "Lyle" and "Erik."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:
(Jay is in re-runs this week)

"They should let the Menendez brothers out of jail and let the Ramseys adopt them. What's going on with the Ramsey's World Alibi Tour? NBC is giving them their own show: Kids Used to Say the Darndest Things."

"Product least likely to make it? Crotchless Depends."

"Studies show 5% of people on antidepressants have orgasms when they yawn. So what the hell do they have to be depressed about? And just think, Al Gore may be responsible for more sex than Bill Clinton."

"Clinton is in India looking at tigers. It's not the first time he's faced a man-eater."

"Monica Lewinsky's handbags are selling for $180 each. Yet you can get a real Lewinsky from a hooker for only $50."

"PETA {People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) claims men who eat meat can become impotent. I think we can pretty well rebut that one." Showed clip of Bill Clinton eating a hamburger.

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Mutt Plug: The canine sock puppet, spokesdog for Disney-owned Pets.com, was featured for 15 minutes on Disney-owned Good Morning America." Jon to guest, newsman Sam Donaldson, "Would you interview the sock puppet if your bosses asked you to?" Sam: "NO! I mean, yes, of course."

On the Polish director who won a special Lifetime Achievement Award: "Do you know how a Polish audience watches a film? They look at the projector."

"Money for Puffin': [on the $20-million jury award to woman dying of lung cancer, even though she started smoking after the warning label was added]: In the 70's warning labels were less specific: 'Have a nice cancer. - Surgeon General.' The jury settled on $20 million, rather than a billion, because they were afraid the tobacco companies would run out of money before they themselves got cancer."

"Heston Tensions: [Clip of Charlton Heston speaking at Brandeis University]: "He was wearing a Guns 'n Moses t-shirt. Like all National Rifle Association leaders, Heston's blood type is cold."

Correspondent Dave Attell on the need for firearms: "You never know when some nut is going to come up to you and say something like, 'You're fired.' You've gotta be ready."

"Michael Jordan says he's going to quit doing all those endorsements. His wife is tired of hearing, 'This cunnilingus is brought to you by Michael Jordan.'"

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"There was an awkward moment when the Pope said to Yassar Arafat, 'That's funny. You don't look Jewish.'"

"In New York Monica Lewinsky was heckled by a woman who had to be led away. The woman was released and resumed her Senate campaign."

"Ozzie Osborne is retiring before he has to start gumming the heads off bats."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"I was the big Oscar winner, because I fell asleep by 8:30."

"The Matrix swept all categories that didn't involve acting."

"Haley Joel Osment sees another dead person — his publicist."

"Best Score went to whoever took home Winona Ryder."

"The Pope apologized for everything his posse has done over the last two thousand years: 'Hey, Dudes, it was nothing personal.'"

"Disney will now allow employees to have mustaches. This is part of its program to attract Hungarian women."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"A 77-year-old woman in Las Vegas was attacked by killer bees. It took a fire hose to get the bees off her—and a crowbar to pry her hand from the slot machine handle."

"In India even the untouchables are turning out for President Clinton. They figure if anyone will touch them ..."

 

 

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.



What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?B illions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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