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Strange de Jim entertained San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb). Strange holds the world record for Most Late-Night Jokes Absorbed, 1999 - Last Night.

Strange's Last Night's Top 10 Late-Night Jokes
June 2011

late night hosts
 Click for Sue Trowbridge's Late-Night Lineups and Info.

Click for the funniest photos, videos and tweets of May.

I'll tweet you when the new jokes are posted: @strangedejim

June Strangies: O'Brien 5, Leno 4, Fallon 3, Ferguson 2, Letterman 2, Colbert 1, Kimmel 1

I'll be on vacation until July 8 or so.

Monday, June 27

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Friday, June 24
(Only Leno and Fallon live)

10. Jay Leno guest Tom Papa: I live in a house with a wife and 2 daughters and 2 female cats, just like I dreamed when I was a little boy.

9. Jimmy Fallon: Two Roto-Rooter employees saved a beagle that had gotten caught in a sewer pipe. Of course by the time they got it out it was more of a Shih-Tzu.

8. Jimmy Fallon: Scientists in the U.K. are trying to prove that Shakespeare smoked weed. That would explain the line, "To be or not to be. Wait, what was the question?"

7. Jay Leno: Russell Crowe has come out against circumcision. Well, he's an actor. They hate to see anything on the cutting room floor.

6. Jay Leno: The entire cast of "Jersey Shore" is going to be replaced next year. They've already started a no-talent search.

5. Jimmy Fallon: A tribe has been discovered in the Amazon that has never had contact with the outside world, which can mean only one thing. They're using iPhones.

4. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, notorious gangster Whitey Bulger, for being caught only two weeks after Tightie Whitey Bulger.

3. Jay Leno: A woman shop-lifted a mink coat and hid it in her panties for 3 days while police questioned her. If you can hide a mink coat in your panties it's time for a bikini wax.

2. Jimmy Fallon: A couple in Michigan got married in a hospital just before the bride had her appendix removed. Afterward she tossed the appendix to all the single ladies.

1. Jimmy Fallon: A first edition Charles Darwin book was returned to a library in Australia 122 years late. You could tell it was a Darwin book  because it had evolved into an iPad.

The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter, Viking 2010

Page 344 - [On his last week hosting "The Tonight Show" Conan didn't bash Jay.] Instead Conan and his writers came up with one inspired idea after another to express their outrage -- and to tap into the outrage of his fans. He first put "The Tonight Show" up for sale on Craigslist ("Guaranteed to last for up to seven months; designed for 11:35, but can easily be moved!") and then himself ("Tall, slender redhead available for nighttime recreation; currently homeless, must meet at your place").

Then they came up with a plan to make it look as though they were spending outrageous amounts of NBC's money during the show's last days on the air. "We're going to introduce comedy bits that are not so much funny as they are crazy expensive," Conan declared. ... They brought on the alleged Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird, decked the nag out in a mink Snuggie, and let him watch restricted Super Bowl clips. Price tag: $4.8 million. On his finale, Conan went all out with an absurdly mobile fossil of a rare ground sloth spraying Beluga caviar on an original Picasso. That one cost $65 million, Conan proclaimed.
But a minute later he felt compelled to explain that all these had been comedy bits. Credulous folks all over the Web (and some even in the press) had been either celebrating the act of sticking it to The Man or decrying this horrifyingly wasteful extravagance in a battered economy, not understanding it was all a gag.


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Thursday, June 23
(Ferguson in reruns)

10. Conan O'Brien: While Justin Bieber was signing autographs today a 40-something man jumped the barricade and knocked him down. No word yet on which of The Backstreet Boys it was.

9. David Letterman: Days are longer in the summer, especially in the Weiner house.

8. Conan O'Brien: The Supreme Court ruled makers of generic drugs can't be sued for incorrect labeling. All they have to say is, "These pills will do something to your cholesterol or penis."

7. David Letterman: There's a light bulb in a fire station in Livermore, California, that's been burning constantly for 110 years. The only other light bulb that's gotten that kind of workout is the one in Kirstie Alley's refrigerator.

6. Jay Leno: Sarah Palin said she did not quit her bus tour. She just had to go home early for jury duty. How can you be President if you're not even smart enough to get out of jury duty?

5. Jimmy Fallon: President Obama was in New York today. There was an awkward moment in Times Square when he saw the Naked Cowboy and said, "Please tell me you're not a Democratic Congressman."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: Now the kids are out of school, rush into their room, wake them up, and tell them they're late for school. Then upload the tape to YouTube with the title: "Hey, Jimmy Kimmel, I woke my kid up and told them they were late for school." We'll use the best ones on the show.

3. Jay Leno: A woman in Washington state drove her car into a lake because her GPS navigation system told her to turn left. Sometimes looking through the windshield can really help.

2. Conan O'Brien: Another Kardashian sex tape has surfaced. You know who has trouble keeping up with the Kardashians? Working porn stars.

1. David Letterman: Cameron Diaz opens this weekend as the "Bad Teacher." She's so bad she tells the kids a completely incorrect version of the Paul Revere story.

The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994

Page 83 - To some who knew Helen Kushnick [Jay Leno's vicious, power-mad manager] well, NBC's decision to hand her the reigns of their most important television show was an unfathomable mistake. But Helen was not about to be denied.

86 - Helen Kushnick had a plan for Arsenio Hall. Even before they went on the air, Helen had a letter drafted for the show's talent coordinators to send to people booked on the show. It told them in plain terms not to do any other shows if they expected to be booked on the "Tonight" show.


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Wednesday, June 22
(Ferguson in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: 66% of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. However, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad, we won't get there for a long time.

9. Jimmy Fallon: A cat here in New York survived a fall from the 14th floor of an apartment building. Of course it was immediately eaten by a rat, but still.

8. Jimmy Fallon: hashtags #worstsummervacation
A hot lifeguard came up and asked my name. I told him & he said, "Your mom's looking for you."

7. Jay Leno: John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.

6. David Letterman: New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. The last Republican President wasn't even fluent in English.

5. Jay Leno: Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.

4. Conan O'Brien: A  man in North Carolina robbed a bank in order to go to jail and get free health care. And it worked. He's only been in jail 2 days and he's already gotten 15 free prostate exams.

3. David Letterman: Top 10 little-known facts about Justin Bieber, delivered by Justin Bieber:
    7. As hard as I've tried I don't know how to not be adorable.
    1. It's a hairpiece.

2. Conan O'Brien: Newt Gingrich bragged on his 3rd wife, saying, "She plays the French horn." Then things got awkward when he added, "If you know what I mean."

1. Jay Leno: Did you see that clip where a crying baby is handed to President Obama and it immediately stops crying. Do you know how rare that is, that a politician is handed a baby that's not his.

Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me by Chelsea Handler's Friends, Grand Central Publishing 2011

If you like being aghast, this is the book for you.

Book  Kindle

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Tuesday, June 21
(Ferguson in reruns)

10. Conan O'Brien: The Egyptian military is asking who should be President in a Facebook poll. So congratulations to new President Betty White.

9. David Letterman to guest Amy Sedaris: Why do you think Dr. Phil's wife is always in the audience? Amy: Because she's needy.

8. Jimmy Fallon: San Francisco built the world's longest picnic table, 305 feet, or as Brad and Angelina call it, the children's table. I'm just glad to hear about a long piece of wood that doesn't lead to a resignation.

7. Jay Leno Headlines: Crocodiles go hungry due to shortage of tourists.

6. Jay Leno Headlines: New England nudists find a place to hang their hats.

5. Conan O'Brien: Bristol Palin says she lost her virginity on a camping trip. She named her son Tripp because Camping seemed such a dumb name.

4. Conan O'Brien: The Governor of Texas says if he runs for President he'll fight accusations he's gay. He'll give any guy who accuses him a good hard pinch in the butt.

3. David Letterman: Mitt Romney's in big trouble. You know what this bonehead did? He formed a successful health care program in Massachusetts.

2. Jay Leno: Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand.

1. Conan O'Brien: Tracy Morgan apologized for his homophobic comments. "I'm sorry for my remarks. That was totally gay of me."

The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994

Page 81 - For all his outward warmth with people and his easy approachability, Leno seemed to distance himself emotionally from everyone around him, even close friends He even disdained the idea of having emotions. If people complained about being under stress, Jay said: "What does that mean, stressed? I've never been stressed."

82 - A "Tonight" show staff member said, "There is no term describing a psychological state that Jay relates to. He's not in touch with his emotions at all."


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Monday, June 20
(Ferguson in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: When Obama and Boehner added up their golf score they were 14 trillion over par.

9. Jay Leno: McIlroy is young, talented, handsome. He could be the first golfer to land a Kardashian.

8. Jay Leno: Arnold Shwarzenegger's favorite game on Father's Day? Old Maid.

7. David Letterman: You know, I was going to be in Bruce Springsteen's band. Unfortunately, I lived on D Street.

6. David Letterman: My kid is very proud of me. He thinks I host "The Tonight Show."

5. Jon Stewart: Anthony Weiner: The Schlong Goodbye."

4. Conan O'Brien: Bristol Palin's new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It's in the chapter "Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien."

3. David Letterman: Rory McIlroy won $1.4 million in the U.S. Open. I don't understand why, but he had to give half of it to Mrs. Tiger Woods.

2. Jay Leno guest Larry the Cable Guy: I went up to the 100-year-old lady backstage and said, "You were hilarious." She said, "Follow that, bitch."

1. Jay Leno: Jay's 100-year-old guest was holding onto her hat with both hands when a kid warned her that her skirt was blowing up and people could see everything she'd got. She told him, "I don't care. Anything down there is a hundred years old. This is a brand new hat."

Bossypants by Tina Fey, Little Brown 2011

Page 32 - I guess I should also state that Karen and Sharon never hit on me in the slightest and it was never weird between any of us. Gay people don't actually try to convert people. That's Jehovah's Witnesses you're thinking of.

No one was ever turned gay by being at Summer Showtime, because that's not possible. If you could turn gay by being around gay people, wouldn't Kathy Griffin be Rosie O'Donnell by now? The straight boys quickly learned to be accepting and easygoing and the straight girls learned over the course of several years to stop falling in love with gay guys.

36 - In my experience, the hardest thing about having someone "come out" to you is the "pretending to be surprised" part.


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Friday, June 17
(Only Leno and Fallon new)

10. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you,men's exercise magazines I never read, for reminding me that even throwing you out is too much exercise for me.

9. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, Dads, for always having such good advice, like, "I don't know. Ask your mother."

8. Jay Leno: There's a new dating service for May - December romances: ExpirationDate.com

7. Jay Leno: Guest Jay Mohr: Vancouver is like the pot capital of the world. These are not the people you'd expect to be turning over cop cars, unless they were filled with Skittles.

6. Jay Leno: Rush Limbaugh has come out with his own brand of iced tea, with a picture of him on horseback dressed as Paul Revere. How confusing is this going to be for Sarah Palin?

5. Jay Leno: Anthony Weiner's still involved with the internet. Today he started his own site called MyTube.

4. Jay Leno: And I still don't think Weiner gets it. Did you hear what he said at the end of his press conference? "Anybody want one last look?"

3. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, Anthony Weiner, for your premature evacuation.

2. Jay Leno: The economy is so bad SpongeBob has taken a second job as a contraceptive.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is getting a divorce from his third wife, Lois. It was weird when they started dividing up their stuff: "That's one giant stepladder for Buzz, one small lamp for Lois."

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 147 - Tiffany turned to Mrs. Proust, who was grinning. "The Nac Mac Feegles feel that the truth is so precious that it shouldn't be waved about too much," she said apologetically.

148 - There was a chorus of complaints from the Feegles on the beam, who in Tiffany's opinion were as good at astonished indignation as they were at drunkenness and thievery.

155 - Wizards are like cats going to the toilet in that respect; once you've walked away from it, it isn't there anymore.


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Thursday, June 16
(Stewart, Colbert & Ferguson in reruns)

10. Jimmy Fallon: Today bin Laden's deputy was made head of Al Qaeda. I know because today he updated his status on LinkedIn.

9. David Letterman: Today is the anniversary of the Great Wall of China. And since it was built, not one Mexican has sneaked in.

8. Jimmy Fallon: A study found fathers spend twice as much time with their kids as fathers did in 1960. Meanwhile, Arnold Shwarzenegger is spending time with twice as many kids as he did 3 weeks ago.

7. Jay Leno: The Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup. The key to their victory?  Not signing LeBron James.

6. Conan O'Brien: The good news, Weiner resigned. The bad news, he made the announcement shirtless over Skype. Andy Richter: You got the good news, bad news things exactly wrong.

5. Jay Leno: President Obama met today with the head of Mongolia. Sarah Palins said her favorite movie is "Steel Mongolians."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: Al Qaeda announced today they've found a replacement for bin Laden. Thanks to all of you who texted in your votes.

3. David Letterman: Father's Day this year is a bonus year for Arnold Shwarzenegger. Last year my son wouldn't give me my gift until I gave him a DNA swab.

2. Conan O'Brien guest Ryan Reynolds: You're 15, you'd masturbate to a car accident.

1. Conan O'Brien: What movie title best describes your penis? Andy Richter: "Little Miss Sunshine."

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 355 - One day we found him [a storekeeper] asleep in his chair -- a custom of his -- and we waited patiently for him to wake up, which was a custom of ours. But he slept so long, this time, that at last our patience was exhausted, and we tried to wake him -- but he was dead. I remember the shock of it yet.

... In my early manhood, and in middle-life, I used to vex myself with reforms every now and then. And I never had occasion to regret these divergencies, for whether the resulting deprivations were long or short, the rewarding pleasure which I got out of the vice when I returned to it, always paid me for all that it cost.


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Wednesday, June 15
(Ferguson in reruns)

10. Jon Stewart: We're Here, We're Queer, Get Newsed to It. One more vote is needed in the N.Y. State Senate to legalize gay marriage. That one vote could be the Republican Senator from Staten Island. If he's willing to be known for the rest of his career as the Staten Island Fairy.

9. Stephen Colbert: A 99-year-old Oregon man just graduated from college. Ouch! A terrible time to be entering the job market.

8. Jimmy Fallon guest Larry the Cable Guy: You can write Viagra off on your income tax. You can actually get an extension on your extension. I don't remember where I read this, but they said too much Viagra can cause memory loss. And I don't know if you know this, but you can actually write off Viagra on your income tax.

7. Conan O'Brien: A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%.

6.
Jimmy Fallon guest Larry the Cable Guy:Why would I do "Celebrity Apprentice?" First place is a job. What's second place, homework?

5. Conan O'Brien: After a woman was asked to leave a store in Illinois for breast feeding, a group of women staged a feed-in outside the store. The store manager said, "My plan worked perfectly."

4. Jimmy Fallon: Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2009, which explains how my grandma can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter.

3. Conan O'Brien: Congressman Weiner's wife returned today from her diplomatic trip to Ethiopia. She said she got really tired of Ethiopians telling her, "I feel so sorry for you."

2. Jay Leno: Photos of Congressman Weiner have surfaced of him cross-dressing in college, in bra and pantyhose, proving that even back then he knew he wanted to be a Congressman.

1. Jimmy Kimmel: Natalie Portman has given birth to a healthy baby boy, though her body double is complaining she did most of the labor. Natalie's 1st son was Luke Skywalker, so this new one has a lot to live up to.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 69 - School: In societies where they were not needed as a cheap and nimble labor force, children between the ages of adorable and surly attended school. Here, unsuccessful adults known as teachers would instruct young people in subjects like reading, history and math, providing them with the critical knowledge they would need to pass tests on those subjects. Beyond their academic function, schools also served as social laboratories where children learned problem-solving and problem-having skills.

Teachers' low salaries made them vulnerable to bribery by fruit. [Photo of an apple]

The best school textbooks kept up with the latest developments in science in order to deny them.


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Tuesday, June 14
(Ferguson in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: The Hugh Hefner, Crystal Harris wedding is off. Apparently she caught him looking at pictures of naked women. I feel sorry for Hef. Good luck finding another empty-headed blonde with big boobs in this town.

9. David Letterman: Donald Trump is 65 today. Had a big party. He likes to play Pin Everything on Obama.

8. Jimmy Fallon: Charlie Sheen is putting together a sitcom written just for him. Things are moving so fast they've already picked the actor to replace him.

7. Jay Leno: One of bin Laden's wives said he was a sex machine. In fact, he was the only man who could find her jihad spot.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: 7 Republican candidates told how much they hate the government they want to run. Imagine if you did that in a job interview.

5. Jay Leno: Anthony Weiner asked Bill Clinton for advice, and actually followed it for awhile. Of course eventually he was forced to tell the truth.

4. David Letterman: What is Weiner guilty of? He's guilty of being too photogenic. But is taking pictures of your junk and e-mailing them something you'd expect from a Congressman? No. This is something you'd expect from a priest.

3.
Conan O'Brien: Congressman Weiner has checked into the That's Not Mayo Clinic.

2. Conan O'Brien: The maid said Maria Shriver became suspicious when she noticed similarities between Arnold and her 13 -year-old son. For instance, last year as class president he left the 6th grade with a $42-billion deficit.

1. Conan O'Brien: President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed "send."

The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter, Viking 2010

Page 341 - Jay remained under assault everywhere, nowhere more so than over at CBS, with Letterman banging away at him relentlessly. He featured a faux ad for Leno, citing how Jay stood for middle America, for traditional American values like "killing Indians because you wanted their land."

343 - [Jay talked on his show about what had happened. Then Letterman commented on Jay's explanation and riled Jay, so on his show Jay complained about the way Letterman had been hammering him, then turned to his bandleader Kevin Eubanks.] 'Hey, Kev, you know the best way to get Letterman to ignore you?" Jay asked.
"No, what?" Eubanks replied.
"Marry him. He will not bother you! He won't look you in the eye!"
The well-crafted joke drew an enormous laugh, though it would also generate and unusual amount of backlash against Jay among some (including Oprah Winfrey) who thought the joke crossed a taste boundary, because it dragged a civiiian -- Dave's obviously hurt wife -- into the battle.


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Monday, June 13
(Ferguson in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: On the internet there's the first Ronald McDonald commercial showing him giving out hamburgers to little kids. You can tell it's 50 years ago, because the kids are all skinny.

9. Jimmy Fallon: Bill Gates said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is engaged. But when pressed for more details Gates froze and had to be rebooted. The ceremony should be something. "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "Accept." "You may now 'like' the bride." They're honeymooning in Farmville.

8. Conan O'Brien: There's a new wrap-around alarm clock that wakes you by vibrating your wrist. Experts estimate every man who bought one is using it wrong. And hitting the snooze button for two hours.

7. Jay Leno: Mel Gibson's movie "The Beaver" made less than a million dollars, one of the biggest box office disasters of the year. More people have seen Anthony Weiner's penis than Mel Gibson's "Beaver."

6. Conan O'Brien: Almost Newt Gingrich's entire campaign staff quit on the same day, and many blamed it on his third wife. Newt said, "Don't worry. I'll win them back with my fourth wife."

5. Jay Leno: The Dallas Mavericks won the NBA Championship. They're planning a huge parade in Dallas, almost as big as the one in Cleveland.

4. Conan O'Brien: A study found male politicians run for office so they can be somebody, while females run so they can do something. This study has a margin of error of plus and minus Sarah Palin.

3. Conan O'Brien: The "Miami Herald" mistakenly ran a full-page ad congratulating the Heat on winning the NBA Championship. LeBron was so annoyed he wadded the paper up and tossed it just short of the wastebasket.

2. David Letterman: I say don't judge Anthony Weiner until you've walked a mile with his pants down around your ankles.

1. Conan O'Brien: Congressman Weiner has entered a treatment program. Amazingly, it's the only thing he's entered during the entire Weinergate scandal.

The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994

Page 79 - Helen Kushnick [Jay's ferocious manager] had a year to get ready to run the "Tonight" show; she relished every minute of it. She had ideas, of course, most of which involved doing almost everything opposite the way it had been done under Johnny Carson. ..

Helen exploded, and told everyone in the department they were never to speak to Jay unless they talked to her first.

But once NBC had named Jay, Helen immediately became more aggressive. She began to make deals with studios and record companies and publicists: in exchange for their biggest names, Helen agreed to put a line of lesser guests on the show. Many on the "Tonight" show staff objected to this practice because they had always avoided it. They thought the idea was to make the show entertaining each night, not to feature a big name one night and damage the show another night with a guest who was a virtual unknown.

To the astonishment of many on the "Tonight" show staff, NBC had never seen fit to consult Carson about the naming of his successor, and he never volunteered an opinion. But no one close to Johnny had any real doubt about his preference; he never said a bad word about Jay, but they were certain he supported Letterman.


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Sunday, June 12 Tony Awards

Host Neil Patrick Harris: For "Spiderman" I sent Bono and The Edge a congratulatory cable, but it snapped.

Host Neil Patrick Harris rode in on a Warhorse: Ironically, that whole horse is held together by glue.

Host Neil Patrick Harris: Backstage I saw the cast of "Sister Act" and the cast of "Mormon" getting into a fistfight. Oh my Gods!

Neil Patrick Harris sings the opening number "Broadway Is Not Just for Gays Anymore."

No sodomy required.

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Neil Patric Harris vs. Hugh Jackman in "Anything You Can Host I Can Host Better," including "If you're the bottom, I'm the top."

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Friday, June 10
(Only Leno, Fallon & Ferguson live)

10. Craig Ferguson: What's funny is, "Super 8" is about a town that goes nuts when it's overrun with aliens, and it's not in Arizona. See what I did there?

9. Craig Ferguson: I did star in a movie once when I was a kid. It was directed by my camp counselor, Mr. Trundle. I'll never forget the day when the police came and took him away. Wonder what happened to that movie? Your move, creepy internet sites.

8. Jay Leno: A company called iTouchless has come out with a kitchen trash can that automatically opens when it senses you approaching. Congressman Anthony Weiner has a pair of pants using the same technology.

7. Jimmy Fallon: Sasha Obama turned 10 today. It was so cute when her mom Michelle had her blow out the candles on her birthday lettuce.

6. Craig Ferguson: "Super 8" is set in 1979, so you know what that means. The monster probably needs a little trimming, you know, downstairs. That was the fashion in the '70s. "Am I wearing pants or not? Who's to know?"

5. Jay Leno: A survey of 30,000 people in Europe determined that Americans are the funniest people on Earth. So thank you, Sarah Palin, for winning us the title.

4. Jay Leno: The National Park Service was asked it they were giving Sarah Palin special treatment on her bus tour, and they said absolutely not. They give remedial lessons to anyone who needs them.

3. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, people on Facebook whose profile picture is them as a baby, for basically saying, this is the last time I wasn't ugly.

2. Craig Ferguson: When I was a kid my parents never let me use the movie camera. I was always too drunk.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, Miami Heat logo, for looking like the inside of a Taco Bell toilet.
Miami Heat logo

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 68 - Beloved characters: Peter Pan taught children they could stay young forever by following a charismatic stranger out the window. As of press time, G.I. Joe was still engaged in his valiant struggle to openly serve in the U.S. military. Dora was a plucky little girl who taught children how to shout instructions to brown people in Spanish.

African children lived in fear of The White Witch, a shapeshifting banshee who stole them from their parents. [Photo of Madonna]

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Thursday, June 9

10. Jay Leno: Delta Airlines charged our soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 excess baggage fees. Delta's new slogan: "Screwing over the people who defend our right to screw you over."

9. Jimmy Kimmel: Snooki has broken up with her boyfriend of 8 months and is back on the market. If that drunken tangerine little angel can't find true love, what hope is there for the rest of us? Back to the zoo to pick out a new gorilla, I guess. She's the size and color of a basketball, so she has to bounce back.

8. David Letterman: People come up to me on the street and say, "Jay ..."

7. Jimmy Fallon: Environmentalists are protesting Mattel because Barbie's packaging comes from the rain forest. And Barbie is protesting Mattel because Ken's package doesn't exist.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: After searching online for 8 minutes for pictures of a Congressman's penis you have to start questioning yourself. And now we find out Weiner's wife is pregnant. The only thing that could make this right is if it turns out she got pregnant by Arnold Shwarzenegger.

5. Jay Leno: Sarah Palin is going to London to try to meet with Margaret Thatcher, who's made it clear she won't meet with her. Palin went, "Who told her I was coming? Was it Paul Revere again?"

4. David Letterman: Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz have broken up, and she's so upset she's threatened to make another romantic comedy.

3. Conan O'Brien: One of the women was a blackjack dealer. Weiner wasn't very good at blackjack, because he hit on anything over 17.

2. Jay Leno: There's now a picture going around the internet of Weiner's naked penis. You can tell it's him, because it looks just like him.

1. Conan O'Brien: Steve Jobs announced they're building a new headquarters for Apple, to be replaced in 6 months by a thinner headquarters with a crappy camera.

Bossypants by Tina Fey, Little Brown 2011

Page 31 - We played Celebrity Boff, in which you could only write down the names of celebrities you would sleep with. Playing Celebrity Boff with two half-closeted gay guys, two lesbians and one straight girl made for an easy game. Jodie Foster's name was always in there four times. Antonio Banderas appealed to all sectors.

It is a testament to my parents that they never reacted negatively to the four-year-long pride parade that marched through their house.

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Wednesday, June 8
(Kimmel in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: Alec Baldwin, 53, is dating a beautiful 28-year-old yoga instructor. Is there anything those Capital One cards can't buy?

9. Craig Ferguson: Once I got a ticket for Jaywalking. Not for walking across the street. For stealing Jay Leno's bit. L.A. rush hour begins at 6 a.m. and ends in December.

8. David Letterman: When Dr. Kevorkian grew up he used to have people come over to the house and he'd take care of them on the patio. Then he got a death van. We have those in New York. They're called cabs.

7. David Letterman: Nobody's supporting Weiner but Newt Gingrich, who today sent him a jeweled cell phone case from Tiffany's.

6. Conan O'Brien" Weiner's been laying low the last few days. [The audience laughed. Andy suggested Conan could have said "retracted" or "tucked out of sight."] His staff says he's working hard for America.

5. David Letterman: Sex Scandals before the Internet Age: A Congressman was severely injured when he tried to send a fax of his genitals.

4. Craig Ferguson: I know how we can cut down on traffic accidents. Cancel "Project Runway." Then we wouldn't all be in such a rush to get home.

3. Jimmy Fallon: A woman in Florida called police because there was a bear in her pool. Or as Sarah Palin calls it, soup.

2. Conan O'Brien: Weiner had admitted to affairs with 6 women on e-mail, Twitter and Facebook. And today he admitted to 3 chickens on Farmville.

1. Jay Leno: Today Weiner sent his wife a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it.


I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 120 - "You did meet Derek, didn't you?" said Mrs. Proust. "He's my son, you know. I met his father in a dance hall with very bad lighting. Mr. Proust was a very kind man who was gracious enough to say that kissing a lady without warts was like eating an egg without salt."

145 - The world is full of omens, and you picked the ones you liked.

146 - Mrs. Proust appeared to be asleep. Tiffany liked her, in a wary kind of way, but could she trust her? Sometimes she seemed to almost ... read her mind.
"I don't read minds," said Mrs. Proust, turning over.

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Tuesday, June 7

10. Conan O'Brien: Last night at a fashion show Lady Gaga had a wardrobe malfunction. Somebody lost an eye and 3 geese died.

9. Jay Leno: Today Moammar Khadafy said he is going to fight to the death. Works for me.

8. Conan O'Brien: Jennifer Lopez has blocked distribution of her honeymoon sex tape, which contains 15 minutes of nudity. J Lo says she's not embarrassed by the nudity, but she does do some acting in it.

7. Conan O'Brien: China's economy has started to slow down. That's what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.

6. Jay Leno: In Vegas this weekend 2 old-time strippers performed. One was 83. One was 85. They were so old, to show their tops they had to take off their bottoms.

5. David Letterman: Weiner says no matter how many photos of him in his underpants surface, he is not stepping down. I said, wow, this looks like a job for Leno.

4. Jay Leno: The Gay Softball League is coming under fire because they excluded a team because some of its players are bisexual. So if you're a switch-hitter you can't be a switch-hitter.

3. Jay Leno: Sarah Palin came under fire for her statements about Paul Revere, and today she made it worse. She said, "What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?"

2. David Letterman: Weiner wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Good luck with that. Governor, sure.

1. David Letterman: Pawlenty, Romney or Gingrich. Barack Obama looks at these guys and wishes he hadn't spent the money on the new birth certificate.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010

Page 310 - [A man claimed they'd been schoolmates in a school Mark Twain had never attended.] These episodes used to vex me, years and years ago. But they don't vex me now. I am older. If a person thinks that he has known me at some time or other, all I require of him is that he shall consider it a distinction to have known me; and then, as a  rule, I am perfectly willing to remember all about it and add some things that he has forgotten.

349 - He shot old John Brown's Governor Wise in the hind leg in a duel.

353 - The Mississippi was frozen across, and Tom Nash and I went skating one night, probably without permission, for there could be no considerable amusement to be gotten out of skating at night if nobody was going to object to it.


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Monday, June 6
(Kimmel in reruns)

10. David Letterman: If you'd like to take a look at "Dr. Death" Jack Kevorkian's Suicide Van, it's on display now in Jay Leno's garage.

9. David Letterman: Top 10 questions to ask yourself before tweeting a photo of your deal. 7. Do I have a last name that would make this especially embarrassing? 3. What would Brett Favre do?

8. Jimmy Fallon: Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana, and Sarah Palin asked why she was taking them to all the places Paul Revere went.

7. Conan O'Brien: There's a new temporary leader of Al Qaeda. I was surprised they went with Ashton Kutcher.

6. David Letterman: I don't understand this Anthony Weiner thing. Don't members of Congress get to mail their packages for free?

5. David Letterman: A picture of your thing has replaced business cards.

4. Jay Leno: Today is the anniversary of D-Day, or as Sarah Palin calls it, the day when Paul Revere warned that the Danish were coming.

3. Jay Leno: You know what Sarah Palin called D-Day as a kid? Report card day.

2. Conan O'Brien: There's an anti-circumcision comic book out featuring a hero Foreskin Man. Trust me. You don't want to see his cape.

1. Jay Leno: Today Steve Jobs introduced iCloud, which could revolutionize the way Anthony Weiner sends pictures of his penis.

The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early & Television Went Crazy by Bill Carter, Viking 2010

Page 340 - Meanwhile, on the air Ricky Gervais was introducing the Golden Globes with the line "Let's get on with it before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno." Tom Hanks, presenting an award, remarked, "NBC said it was going to rain at ten p.m., but they moved it to eleven thirty." And Tina Fey, accepting an award, said of the rainy night, "It's God crying for NBC."

For the increasingly besieged NBC, the online support for Conan had eclipsed the term "viral"; now it was more like a plague. Groups sprang up all over the Web and across the country in individual cities. The Facebook group "I'm with Coco" organized Conan rallies in New York, Chicago, and Seattle.

341 - Gaspin could not but ruefully admire the irony of the situation: NBC had given Conan his mojo back, just in time for him to take it somewhere else.

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Friday, June 3
(Only Ferguson live)

6 - 10. No more worthy jokes.

5.
Craig Ferguson: Atheists love to tell you they're atheists and how great it is. They're like vegans with more body fat and less arm hair.

4.
Craig Ferguson: Atheists always think they're smarter than me, and I say, "You're not smarter than me. You're a stupid poopy pants, Stephen Hawking, famous atheist." He thinks after we die nothing happens, sort of like winning "American Idol."

3.
Craig Ferguson: People used to believe that when an atheist walked into a church he would start waving his arms around wildly and screaming, but I only do that at a shoe sale at 9 West.

2.
Craig Ferguson: It's the best Friday in 3 years, because today the band Cold Play have released a new song, called "Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall." It's the story of Glenn Beck.

1. Craig Ferguson: Like all Cold Play songs I didn't think I'd like it, but I did. My fingers started snapping, my toes started tapping, and my balls disappeared.

The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno, and the Network Battle for the Night by Bill Carter, Hyperion 1994

Page 72 - Not that NBC was about to abandon its strategy, which could be reduced to three words: Keep both guys. Agoglia, thinking mechanically, his chosen method, had planned the situation down to its basics. The decision they had made --Jay in for Johnny, Dave staying put at 12:30 -- was the smart play. Agoglia had a contract, signed by David Letterman, that committed the star to NBC for another two years. So it was guaranteed: pick Leno and get the two guys back-to-back until at least April 1993. As Agoglia saw it: "It was a short-term gain with a long-term problem. And we thought in two years we could solve the problem.

73 - "This is a real disappointment. But if this is your decision, you can contact my lawyer, Jake Bloom." Then Letterman stood up from his chair, looked directly at Littlefield and Agoglia, and said: "Gentlemen, this is completely unacceptable. I want you to release me from my contract."

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Thursday, June 2
(O'Brien, Letterman, Leno & Fallon in reruns)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: [Because of the Congressman Weiner tweeting his wiener scandal, Jimmy showed 20 news anchors saying "Weiner" and then Charlie Sheen saying "Winner."]

9. Craig Ferguson: The USDA has replaced the food pyramid with the food plate. The food pyramid was introduced by Sweden in 1970 and consisted of Swedish meatballs and group sex.

8. Craig Ferguson: I say, screw you, government. What if I DON'T eat my vegetables? Are you going to come to my house and spank me? Because I'm not eating them if you are.

7. Jon Stewart: The Republican House Majority Leader says we should help the victims of the floods and tornados in the Midwest, but only if cuts are made elsewhere, only if the number works. Here's a circus elephant helping remove debris in Joplin. So actual elephants are more helpful than the fu#*ing GOP.

6. Stephen Colbert: From bin Laden's compound we now know Al Qaeda demanded that its agents keep complete records and receipts for all expenses. No doubt using Al Quicken. Also, Al Qaeda gave its agents better benefits than Wal-Mart, although at Wal-Mart you get to use your vests more than once.

5. Jimmy Kimmel guest Jason Sudakis was on a celebrity basketball team with Justin Bieber: "I didn't even realize it was him until the 2nd quarter. I'd just assumed it was a Make a Wish situation."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: Unintentional Joke of the Day: Piers Morgan was interviewing Paris Hilton and said, "I can Google 'Paris Hilton sex tape' and up it comes."

3. Stephen Colbert: The Republicans blocked the bill to raise the debt ceiling that was so devious it was actually introduced by Republicans. [Actual quote from Republican Congressman] "This vote, based on a bill I introduced, must fail." That reminds me of Patrick Henry's famous cry: "Give me liberty and I don't want liberty." And before the vote Republicans called Wall Street Executives to assure them the vote was just for show.

2. Stephen Colbert: Kennedy Confound: My guest Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. is in a new documentary about mountaintop-removal mining. He's making a mountain out of a molehill that used to be a mountain.

1. Stephen Colbert: Dancing on the Ceiling: Congress has rejected raising the debt ceiling, so if China calls, let it go to voicemail. 
Bossypants by Tina Fey, Little Brown 2011

Page 29 - Of course I know now that no one can "steal" boyfriends against their will, not even Angelina Jolie itself. But I was filled with a poisonous, pointless teenage jealousy, which when combined with gay cattiness, can be intoxication. Like mean meth.

The unstated thing that Tim and I had in common was that we had crushes on all the same boys. The only difference was, I was allowed to talk endlessly about my feelings and Tim was in the half closet. Nobody thought he was straight, but he wasn't out" either. He certainly never made a move on anyone.

30 - Lots of teenage girls have taken comfort under the wind of half-closeted bay boys, but how many of us can brag that her two best friends in high school were twenty-five-year-old lesbians?

Hardback                  Kindle

.       .

Wednesday, June 1
(Only Handler & Ferguson new)

10. [No more jokes were even barely worthy.]

9. Craig Ferguson: At the Great Pyramid in Egypt scientists are using a tiny robot to explore the pyramid and photograph the secret chambers no one has seen for 4,500 years. There's writing. Probably says "Larry King was here."

8. Craig Ferguson: Do we have a picture of the Great Pyramid. Wait, that's the one in Vegas. It's actually better than the one in Egypt, because it has Carrot Top 6 nights a week.

7. Craig Ferguson: Andy Dick is being sued. Apparently during a performance he rubbed his naked genitals into a man's face. Allegedly. Now the man wants money. That isn't the way a strip club works. You don't get money. You should pay Andy money. It's $1 a time into his thong.

6. Craig Ferguson: The Congressman thinks people are hacking him because of his last name, Weiner, which is very bad news for Senator Harry Vagina.

5. Craig Ferguson: And today Donald Trump demanded that the Congressman release the long-form Weiner.

4. Chelsea Handler: A group of 100 Pennsylvania 8th graders went on a field trip to the aquarium and then they split up to different restaurants, and 20 of them went to lunch at a Hooters. The principal said he has not received any complaints from parents. Panelist Jeff Wild: But he's received complaints from the 80 students who didn't get to go to Hooters.

3. Chelsea Handler: Chocolate Thunder: Naomi Campbell v. Cadbury: She's suing because they used her name in an ad for a new chocolate bar called Bliss without her permission. Panelist Jeff Wild: It's out of character for her to be upset by this, because she didn't mind when Campbell's named Chunky Bitchy Chicken Soup after her.

2. Chelsea Handler panelist Ross Matthews: Don't you kind of hope his wife's name is Anita Weiner?

1. Craig Ferguson: New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is in a bit of hot water. His Twitter account was hacked, allegedly, and someone sent a picture of his junior senator to a college girl. This is good news for me, because now I can go on the CBS computer and Google "Weiner photos" and not get fired. "I'm researching!"

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins. There's something brilliant on every page.

Page 66 - Childhood:  It was the job of loving parents to skillfully distort the reality of the world. This often involved overt lying on topics ranging from physical location of the recently deceased, to the existence of gift-giving fictional characters, to why Mommy's "special juice" made her "all silly."

The red "A" on this school paper indicated the child performed well, but was an adulteress.

.


June Winners

Wednesday, June 1 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is in a bit of hot water. His Twitter account was hacked, allegedly, and someone sent a picture of his junior senator to a college girl. This is good news for me, because now I can go on the CBS computer and Google "Weiner photos" and not get fired. "I'm researching!"

Thursday, June 2 Strangie to Stephen Colbert: Dancing on the Ceiling: Congress has rejected raising the debt ceiling, so if China calls, let it go to voicemail.

Friday, June 3 Strangie to
Craig Ferguson: Like all Cold Play songs I didn't think I'd like it, but I did. My fingers started snapping, my toes started tapping, and my balls disappeared.

Monday, June 6 Strangie to
Jay Leno: Today Steve Jobs introduced iCloud, which could revolutionize the way Anthony Weiner sends pictures of his penis.

Tuesday, June 7 Strangie to
David Letterman: Pawlenty, Romney or Gingrich. Barack Obama looks at these guys and wishes he hadn't spent the money on the new birth certificate.

Wednesday, June 8 Strangie to
Jay Leno: Today Weiner sent his wife a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it.

Thursday, June 9 Stranite to
Conan O'Brien: Steve Jobs announced they're building a new headquarters for Apple, to be replaced in 6 months by a thinner headquarters with a crappy camera.

Friday, June 10 Strangie to
Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, Miami Heat logo, for looking like the inside of a Taco Bell toilet.

Miami Heat logo

Monday, June 13 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: Congressman Weiner has entered a treatment program. Amazingly, it's the only thing he's entered during the entire Weinergate scandal.

Tuesday, June 14 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed "send."

Wednesday, June 15 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: Natalie Portman has given birth to a healthy baby boy, though her body double is complaining she did most of the labor. Natalie's 1st son was Luke Skywalker, so this new one has a lot to live up to.

Thursday, June 16 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: What movie title best describes your penis? Andy Richter: "Little Miss Sunshine."

Friday, June 17 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: Former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is getting a divorce from his third wife, Lois. It was weird when they started dividing up their stuff: "That's one giant stepladder for Buzz, one small lamp for Lois."

Monday, June 20 Strangie to Jay Leno: Jay's 100-year-old guest was holding onto her hat with both hands when a kid warned her that her skirt was blowing up and people could see everything she'd got. She told him, "I don't care. Anything down there is a hundred years old. This is a brand new hat."

Tuesday, June 21 Strangie to Conan O'Brien: Tracy Morgan apologized for his homophobic comments. "I'm sorry for my remarks. That was totally gay of me."

Wednesday, June 22 Strangie to Jay Leno: Did you see that clip where a crying baby is handed to President Obama and it immediately stops crying. Do you know how rare that is, that a politician is handed a baby that's not his.

Thursday, June 23 Strangie to David Letterman: Cameron Diaz opens this weekend as the "Bad Teacher." She's so bad she tells the kids a completely incorrect version of the Paul Revere story.

Friday, June 24 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: A first edition Charles Darwin book was returned to a library in Australia 122 years late. You could tell it was a Darwin book  because it had evolved into an iPad.

For each day's top 10 late-night zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

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What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all? Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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