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Chelsea Handler

Tuesday, June 1 Strangie to Jon Stewart: "The Spilling Fields: Crisis in the Gulf: Failure to Staunch: The good news is, it's now clear there's an awful lot of oil in the earth."

Wednesday, June 2 Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "James Cameron has been called in to help BP with their oil spill. Soon they'll be failing in 3-D."

Thursday, June 3 Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "This is like doing a story on famous TV horses and leaving out John Kerry.

Friday, June 4 Strangie to Chelsea Handler:"Having a baby is a big deal. It's like a five-year commitment."

Monday, June 7 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Lovable sexpot Rush Limbaugh got married, and Elton John sang. Rush says gay people can sing at weddings, just not their own."

Tuesday, June 8 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Iraqi Airlines has folded. It's hard to run an airline when everyone in the country is on the no-fly list."

Wednesday, June 9 Strangie to Jay Leno: "There's a new iPhone app that lets you track your own brain tumor."

Thursday, June 10 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "A man used his prosthetic leg to smuggle drugs into prison. The hardest part was getting the leg into his rectum."

Friday, June 11 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "David Beckham is English but plays in America. I don't know who he's going to be injured for in the Word Cup."

Monday, June 14 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "Sarah Palin says her breasts are not only real, but fair and balanced."

Tuesday, June 15 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Did you watch the World Cup match between the U.S. and England? It was almost as if the British goalie had oil on his hands."

Wednesday, June 16 Strangie to Jon Stewart: "So all Obama did was establish a commission?" Showed Obama under a banner reading "Commission Accomplished."

Thursday, June 17 Strangie to David Letterman: "Last Father's Day Harry had a gift, but wouldn't give it to me until I gave him a DNA swab."

Friday, June 18 Strangie to Jay Leno: "BP has changed its slogan to 'What Can Brown Do For You?'"

Monday, June 21 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Father's Day just gets bigger and bigger every year, thanks to DNA testing."

Tuesday, June 22 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin said she tried marijuana a few years ago but didn't like what it did to her judgment and perception, and hopes it'll wear off someday."

Wednesday, June 23 Strangie to David Letterman: "General McChrystal's mouth is another hole Obama can't plug."

Thursday, June 24 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "A teacher in Iowa showed her young students graphic sexual positions using stuffed animals. Can you say 'Toy Story 4'? Woody's back."

Friday, June 25 Strangie to David Letterman: "Sunday is the Gay Parade. Nothing says pride like a 40-year-old fat guy in chiffon."

Monday, June 28 Strangie to Jon Stewart: "In the World Cup the U.S. team succumbed to an epidemic of Ghana-rrhea."

Tuesday, June 29 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Fireworks have been canceled in many cities this 4th of July because they literally have no money to burn."

Wednesday, June 30 Strangie to David Letterman: "Have you been watching the Elena Kagan Supreme Court confirmation? So far she's offered very few opinions. My God, how do you find a woman like that?"

Tuesday, June 1
(All in reruns except Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert)

Strangie to Jon Stewart: "The Spilling Fields: Crisis in the Gulf: Failure to Staunch: The good news is, it's now clear there's an awful lot of oil in the earth."

Jon Stewart: Wyatt Cenac: "BP gave up on getting the oil out of the water a long time ago. Now they're figuring out how to get the water and dead shrimp and stuff out of the oil."

Wednesday, June 2
(All in reruns except Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Craig Ferguson)

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "James Cameron has been called in to help BP with their oil spill. Soon they'll be failing in 3-D."

Jon Stewart: "Israel boarded the Palestinian ship looking for war material but found only medical supplies. Now they claim the Palestinians were planning to build crutchapults."

Stephen Colbert: "We just had a two-week vacation and I saw something I haven't seen in years, my family." "Lisa Miller, 'Newsweek's' religion editor is here to talk about her new book 'Heaven.' and she'll spend seven minutes there tonight."

Thursday, June 3
(David Letterman, Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon in reruns)

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "This is like doing a story on famous TV horses and leaving out John Kerry."

Jon Stewart: "The Spilling Fields: This heated dome is to appease the leak by giving it better and better homes."

Stephen Colbert: "Crude & Unusual: We can solve this problem by simply renaming the Gulf of Mexico The Black Sea. They're using a diamond drill because, like a diamond, this spill is forever." "Vampire Weekend is here in a rare Vampire weeknight appearance." "If 'Consumer Reports' knows so much about what consumers want, why are they still a printed magazine?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "I moved to L.A. in 1994 when I was playing Ross on 'Friends.'" "Sarah Ferguson, who's known as Fergie when she performs with the Black Eyed Peas ..."

Craig Ferguson: "Today is National Repeat Day. Today is National Repeat Day, when we celebrate television repeats." "Mark Twain's autobiography is coming out. He wouldn't let it be printed until a hundred years after his death. He was the leading humorist of his day, but that's just because Carrot Top hadn't been born yet. Turns out Mark Twain was into sex toys, into vibrators and the Suckleberry Finn. There were no batteries in those days, so he had to hook it up to a kite and wait for a thunderstorm."

Friday, June 4
(All in reruns except Chelsea Handler and Craig Ferguson)

Strangie to Chelsea Handler:"Having a baby is a big deal. It's like a five-year commitment."

Craig Ferguson: "It's National Donut Day, just when everybody's getting in shape for the swimming season." To guest Jennifer Tilly: "Other than that, how are your breasts?"

Monday, June 7

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "Lovable sexpot Rush Limbaugh got married, and Elton John sang. Rush says gay people can sing at weddings, just not their own."

Jon Stewart: Showed the clip of Helen Thomas saying, "Get the hell out of Palestine." Jon: "That line killed when she said it to Moses. The ultimate payback? You know who's getting Helen's seat in the White House press room? Elijah."

Stephen Colbert: "Oil's Well That Never Ends." "The new iPhone has only one flaw: I don't have one." "Bing is good at internet search. I know that because I googled it."

David Letterman: "Sorry, girls, Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend, for the fourth time. Then he consummated the cake." "Is it too soon to hit on Tipper Gore? Al and Tipper experienced global cooling."

Jay Leno: "BP says Gulf fishermen are now catching tuna that get 35 miles per gallon." "The next star of 'The Bachelor,' Al Gore. He and Tipper are parting amicably. Even his divorce is boring." "At Rush Limbaugh's wedding the 'something blue' was Viagra. Rush paid Elton John $1 million to perform at the wedding, and he paid twice that to his wife to perform on the wedding night." "Helen Thomas says Jews should go back where they came from, which was Israel." "There's an epidemic of black tar heroin. Has BP merged with the Mexican drug cartel?" "Most teens can text with their eyes closed. And it doesn't affect their driving at all." "The Dog Whisperer is getting a divorce. His wife walked in on him humping another woman's leg." Headlines: "Pastor Peter Picked as Parish Pastor of the Year." "A girl pretended to be her sister to avoid being arrested on a warrant, not knowing her sister had a warrant too." School lunch menu: "Pork Ribs & Sloppy Hoes."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama is going to India to visit our jobs." "Rush Limbaugh and his bride wrote their own vows and then wrote their own prescriptions." "The Dog Whisperer is getting divorced. He couldn't convince his wife to stay, stay."

Craig Ferguson: "I'm wearing sneakers tonight and I know what you're all saying. 'Is that Ellen?'" "Apple Warlord Steve Jobs unveiled the iPhone 4. I stay on top of the latest phones, especially when they're set on vibrate. Call me, everybody."

Tuesday, June 8

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Iraqi Airlines has folded. It's hard to run an airline when everyone in the country is on the no-fly list."

Jon Stewart: "Delicious oil buried beneath the Gulf of Mexico has been freed." "Last month there were over 400,000 new jobs, and those are the third-best kind of jobs, after hand and mmmm."

Stephen Colbert: "BP is having a P.R-mageddon."

David Letterman: "The new iPhone is so advanced it even brags to your friends that you have one." "President Obama wants to know what happened in the Gulf and why a 33-year-old woman would want to marry Rush Limbaugh. By now I imagine Rush is on a Viagra drip. Elton John sang at the wedding, which proves there's no ideological difference a million dollars can't fix."

Jay Leno: "The head of BP says he just wants his life back. They should give him life, plus twenty years." "Queen Elizabeth says she's running at a deficit. Well, you try supporting three deadbeat kids." "A sports doctor says sex helps you perform better, to which Tiger Woods said, 'See!' Tiger's lawyers are telling him he can't date until the divorce. He can have the cocktail but not the waitress." "Tonight on the show we have Chris Rock, Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' and Sting. Remember about Sting and tantric sex? So tonight Snooki will be between a Rock and a hard place." "The Dog Whisperer is getting a divorce. He spent last night trying to lick himself." "Dina and Michael Lohan have come to an agreement on child support. They'll continue to let their children support them." "Heidi Montag filed for a legal separation from Spencer Pratt. They have religious differences. He's a devout idiot and she's a practicing moron."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The BP oil spill is now 50 days old, and it's cost more money and destroyed more wildlife than Sarah Palin." Jimmy showed a picture of a little blond kid at a baseball game drinking from a beer bottle. "What kind of parent would let a 3-year-old drink a $12 beer? The kid will have to go to Dr. Drew's Prehab, baby rehab."

Jimmy Fallon: "It's the 50th day of the oil spill. The spill is so old its tar balls are starting to sag." Jimmy sang a song: "Don't Swim in the Ocean, You'll Get Balls in Your Mouth." "President Obama is talking to oil experts to find out whose ass to kick, where Bush talked to oil expert to find out whose ass to kiss." "Bill Clinton told Joe Biden not to worry about the first or second legs of his upcoming diplomatic trip. It's the third leg that gets you in trouble."

Craig Ferguson: "President Obama gave a talk about health care to a group of senior citizens. 50% thought he was convincing, 30% thought he wasn't convincing, and 20% thought he was Will Smith." "'Glee' is on Fox, where Fox News doesn't like people who like 'Glee.' When they saw the pilot Fox execs knew they had a hit. When CBS execs saw this show they knew they had something that rhymed with 'hit.'"

Wednesday, June 9

Strangie to Jay Leno: "There's a new iPhone app that lets you track your own brain tumor."

Jon Stewart: Samantha Bee commenting on all the women who won their elections: "America, with poopie in its diapers, called out for mommy."

Stephen Colbert: "Helen Thomas has been forced into retirement at the tender age of 89. Too bad, she still had months left in her. She made anti-Semitic remarks. It's as though Mr. Rogers ended his last show with a swastika and a Nazi salute."

David Letterman: "President Obama's old New York apartment is changing hands on One Term Plaza." "Helen Thomas had to retire. She's the lady ahead of you in the checkout line with cat food and vodka. But you ought to hear her sing 'I Dreamed a Dream.' She's being replaced by Betty White." "It may take longer to clean up the Gulf than to clean up Lindsay Lohan." "Sarah Palin says Obama must make the oil companies act ethically and responsibly. This from a woman who shoots wolves from helicopters." "Rush Limbaugh's bride has been found alive after being crushed under Rush for 72 hours."

Jay Leno: "Sarah Ferguson says she turned down $3 million to sleep with an Arab prince, but you can get screwed by her for a lot less. Ask Weight Watchers." "Did you see all the women who won? The only woman getting out of politics is Tipper Gore. That divorce could be costly. Al may only be able to save half the planet." "The Dog Whisperer is getting divorced. He may have been burying his bone in someone else's yard." To guest Adam Sandler: "Are you a dad who believes in spanking?" Adam: "I've been spanking since I was 11."

Jimmy Fallon: "BP is now catching thousands of gallons of oil a day. The bad news is they're catching it with ducks." "Heidi Montag has filed for a legal separation from Spencer Pratt. She says it's time for them both to start seeing other idiots. Please, oh please, Spencer, move in with Jon Gosselin." "A man stowed away in the wheel well of an airplane. Authorities called it incredibly dangerous. Southwest called it business class."

Thursday, June 10

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "A man used his prosthetic leg to smuggle drugs into prison. The hardest part was getting the leg into his rectum."

Jon Stewart: "If Kevin Costner has a machine that cleans up disasters, why didn't he use it on '3000 Miles to Graceland?'"BP continues in its tireless efforts to prevent fact balls from washing up on the beach, and to plug that other gaping hole, the one in the middle of CEO Tony Hayward's face." " John Oliver: "England will actually have to go up against America, the rodeo clowns of soccer."

Stephen Colbert: "It's a mile below the sea. The only thing lower than BP's oil well is its stock price. I must say, it's BP's well, so the only person to blame is President Obama." "From a p.r. perspective it's as though BP sold cadmium-tainted 'Shrek' glasses to a Gaza-bound flotilla while cheating on Sandra Bullock with Joren van der Sloot and then date-raped a sea turtle."

David Letterman: "It was so nice today, General Grant moved to his summer tomb in the Hamptons." "Those terrorists in New Jersey were followers of Osama bon Jovi." "Helen Thomas has gone back to live with her cats in Gray Gardens. At 90 she's too old for journalism and too young for 'Sex & the City.'" "Kevin Costner says he can separate oil from seawater. He's already proven he can separate moviegoers from their money." "It's day 5 of Rush Limbaugh's honeymoon, and a whale rescue team is trying to lure him back out to sea." "In Armenia they've found a 5,000-year-old shoe. In it was a repair ticket that said, 'Ready next Thursday.' Cher says she wants the shoe back."

Jay Leno: "In World Cup Soccer, Argentina's coach says sex is okay, but the English coach forbids it and is even video-monitoring the player's hotel rooms. Too bad the British don't keep such close tabs on their oil drilling." "The White House is going to solve illegal immigration by having Helen Thomas stand at the border and yell, 'Go back to Mexico! Go back where you came from!'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "The sex ban on the English team is worse, because in soccer you can't use your hands." "Kevin Costner wants to separate the Gulf oil from the water. If you spill it he will come." "Lady Gaga attended her younger sister's high school graduation, and evidently the dress code was bipolar casual." "Here' that smoking baby, Jabba the Tot."

Jimmy Fallon: "All the blogs are talking about Al Gore and his wife splitting up at the same time as their daughter and her husband. Al's probably wishing he hadn't invented the internet." "Mexico has a great soccer team, now that they've gotten all those players back from Arizona." "For their appearance at the Country Music Awards, Snooki and The Situation got spray-on farmers' tans." "Last year 20% of the people dipped into their retirement savings. The other 80% said, 'Retirement savings?'"

Craig Ferguson: "A study found that insomnia is much worse than the experts thought. It leads to things like, well, this show. I can't sleep without my favorite pair of boxers, Sugar Ray and Raoul. I've tried counting sheep, but I get too turned on. Salvador Dali had an alarm clock, but it melted."

Garfield: TV: "What if cats ruled the world?" Garfield: "If?"

Friday, June 11

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "David Beckham is English but plays in America. I don't know who he's going to be injured for in the Word Cup."

David Letterman: "Mayor Bloomberg is trying to lure LeBron James to New York. He's even offered him the Times Square Bomber's parking place. And the 10 p.m. slot." World Cup Soccer! we're Americans; we don't care. But it's every four years, like Rush Limbaugh's weddings. This weekend America will play Great Britain. I'll be watching with Jay and Oprah." "The Tonys are Sunday. Neil Patrick Harris and David Hyde Pierce are going to exchange middle names." "Sunday is also the Puerto Rican Day Parade. Mayor Bloomberg will lead off, riding on a Chihuahua." "Thanks to BP the Gulf of Mexico has two new islands, Full Service and Self Service." "James Cameron did 'Avatar,' where everybody was blue and flew." Guest Robert Klein: "Rush Limbaugh was in the hospital a couple of months ago, but he recovered. You lose some; you win some." Robert's HBO special is "Unfair and Unbalanced."

Jay Leno: "The U.N. has imposed some harsh sanctions. Iran can not be in any bowl games for two years." "In World Cup Soccer the U.S. will play Great Britain. The loser has to clean up the Gulf. I don't think BP is serious about this spill. On their website the man in charge of cleanup is Mr. Jed Clampett of Beverly Hills. President Obama is afraid to meet with the BP CEO Tony Hayward. Iran threatens to destroy the world. BP is actually doing it." "Iraqi Airways has gone bankrupt. I'm not surprised. Their three classes were first, business and martyr." "Remember that man who stowed away in an airplane's wheel well? When they asked why he did it he said, 'Legroom.'" "Sarah Palin has reportedly had breast implants. Maybe now people will take her seriously." "The world's oldest shoe leather has been found, on a plate at Sizzler." "Rush Limbaugh has married a 33-year-old woman whose name apparently is Trophy." "Asian birthrates are dropping. Well, it's the Year of the Tiger, and he's in sex rehab."

Jimmy Fallon: "Did you see the first game of the World Cup? Nothing happened and nobody won. It was sponsored by British Petroleum. The US is playing England. If they win we have to buy them tea and crumpets. If we win they buy us a new ocean." "Sarah Palin may have gotten breast implants, her way of supporting the troops." "A water buffalo head fell off a wall and trapped a man. He called it a near-death experience. Water buffalo are calling it hilarious."

Craig Ferguson: "In show business we call that, well, a lie. Lying is what we do when we open our mouths." "A billion people will watch the World Cup. To give you an idea of how many people that is, take the viewership of this program and add a billion." "When you only have one toe your other senses get stronger." "Time for a commercial. CBS will only advertise great stuff. It's the crap in between we don't care about." Craig said, "She's an English bulldog with nine nipples and a hernia." Jeff the Robot Skeleton cracked Craig up by exclaiming, "Oh, slice me off a piece of that."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "'Sex & the City 2' is out. Is your Mr. Big tingling?"

Monday, June 14

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "Sarah Palin says her breasts are not only real, but fair and balanced."

Jon Stewart: "I hope you've joined the Facebook campaign to have Betty White appointed to the Supreme Court." "In South Carolina a man without a job, cell phone or computer won the Democratic primary for the U.S. Senate. He also showed a college girl some porn. Most Senators don't do that until after they're elected." "World Cup 2010: Into Africa."

Stephen Colbert: "This oil leak is the biggest British mess to wash up on our shores since Amy Winehouse. Luckily we have some video to make our British friends happy." He showed the clip of the English goalie allowing the American team to score in the World Cup.

David Letterman: "Did you watch the Tonys? Angela Lansbury stripped down and gave the audience the finger." (This is what Lady Gaga did over the weekend.) "President Obama has been to the Gulf four times, so the CEO of BP says, 'See, it hasn't affected tourism.'" "Larry King is moving to New York. A realtor took him up to look at Grant's Tomb. He had to move. He's already married every woman in L.A."

Jay Leno: "USC has been banned from bowl games for two years. You have a roomful of Trojans and can't go all the way." Headlines: Grocery ad: "Ice Cream Bars or Frog Spit." "Top movie rental: 'G.I. Hoe.'" Restaurants: "Yu Kee, McWank's, Hung Far Lo, Cabbages & Condoms, Vagina Tandoori."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama is talking with the British Prime Minister about the oil spill. The talks are private, but because BP is involved there'll probably be some leaks." "In Afghanistan the US has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt and gold. In other words, not Osama bin Laden." "A man was arrested in Indonesia for having sex with a cow, but he said the cow seduced him. The cow said, 'Not true, and he has to learn that moo means moo.'"

Craig Ferguson: "I feel for the English goalie. I too have let a lot of balls slip through my hands. The goalie messed up so bad he's been offered a job by BP." "Jimmy Dean has died. Google 'Sausage King,' skip past all the stories about me." "Why would you make an 'A-Team' movie without Mr. T? It's not as though he's busy or anything."

Tuesday, June 15

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Did you watch the World Cup match between the U.S. and England? It was almost as if the British goalie had oil on his hands."

Jon Stewart: "The solution is cars that run on oil-soaked pelicans. That's the new Ford Sadness." "What's covered with cocaine and sitting on a pile of gold? No, not Amy Winehouse. Not just Amy Winehouse. It's Afghanistan. Perhaps now the people of Afghanistan can pay part of the price of war."

Stephen Colbert: "I've always said babies are a miracle, unless they're adopted by gay people, and then they're pets."

David Letterman: "Do you have soccer fever? In our match with England we had an exciting come-from-behind tie." "Southern California had a 5.7 earthquake, centered around Rush Limbaugh's hotel."

Jay Leno: "The US has discovered $3 trillion of minerals in Afghanistan, and the country is already pre-invaded." "There's labor trouble in China, and the government is threatening to bring in scab babies." "Have you seen the new 'Karate Kid' movie? A kid becomes a karate master. It's a priest's worst nightmare." There's also a remake of 'The Golden Girls,' called 'Sex & the City 2.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "The Clippers' slogan is 'You haven't seen anything yet,' and I agree."

Jimmy Fallon: "There was a 5.7 earthquake in Southern California. It was so big somebody on the Lakers other than Kobe actually moved." "The World Cup has more ties than Paula Poundstone's closet."

Craig Ferguson: "It's almost as impossible to contain the Gulf oil leak as to contain my love of bedazzling. James Cameron is going to soak up the oil spill with his money from 'Avatar.'"

Wednesday, June 16

Strangie to Jon Stewart: "So all Obama did was establish a commission?" Showed Obama under a banner reading "Commission Accomplished."

Jon Stewart: "Day 58, The Strife Aquatic, Grease Is the Word:" Jon showed clips of the last eight Presidents, each promising to end our dependence on foreign oil. "Fool me once ..."

Stephen Colbert: "And now the five-day forecast: Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday."

David Letterman: "Sarah Palin said we should not demonize the oil companies. I'm glad someone's looking after the little guy." "An American was arrested in Pakistan on his way to kill Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden put out a tape saying, "Bring it on, sissy. Death to America. And I love Betty White."

Jay Leno: "BP finally apologized for the oil spill, but still no apology from the producers of 'Marmaduke.'" "On this day in 1944 Charles Goodyear patented a new method for strengthening rubber, after the birth of his son, Charles, Jr. And in 1664 New Jersey was founded by a group of heavily oiled and tanned Italian immigrants." "If you have to buy your pregnancy test from a dollar store it's probably because you bought your condoms at a dollar store."

Jimmy Fallon: "A new poll shows Hillary Clinton is more popular than Barack Obama. Hillary said she doesn't pay any attention to polls, and what were the figures exactly? She's ahead by about ten points, or a few billion barrels of oil." "President Obama spent twenty minutes with the CEO of BP. Shouldn't it take more time to discuss and oil spill than to get an oil check?" "Twitter was down for an hour yesterday, so people with nothing to do suddenly had nothing to do." "Social networking sites are ruining our manners. Today someone showed me a photo of their baby, and I just said, 'Like.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Sarah Palin said we should ask the Dutch for help with the oil spill because they have the best dikes. So I guess you can cover lesbians with oil, but they just can't get married." "They're always talking about more solar power; what about more lunar power? The moon powers werewolves, and have you seen the abs on that twink from 'Twilight'?" "The Gulf is no longer a spill. That's like calling World War II a tiff. The BP CEO Tony Hayward appeared in a jumpsuit. I don't know whether that's to show he's serious or he's just practicing for jail. He met with President Obama today. It was the biggest tongue lashing in the Oval Office since Monica Lewinsky." "If the oil companies are a family, like the Simpsons, BP would be O.J. Simpson."

Daniel Tosh on Comedy Central: "Not since Nirvana have I wanted a lead singer to kill himself more."

Thursday, June 17

Strangie to David Letterman: "Last Father's Day Harry had a gift, but wouldn't give it to me until I gave him a DNA swab."

Jon Stewart: Guest Fred Thompson: "I had an insurmountable obstacle in running for President -- the wisdom and good judgment of the American people."

Stephen Colbert: Stephen has written a children's book on the Gulf: "Where the Wild Things Were."

David Letterman: "That American guy who was looking for Osama bin Laden had a 'Map of the Stars' Caves.'" "The World Cup is so boring you have to take a horn to amuse yourself. The hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, have a World Cup special. For an extra $50 they won't use their hands."

Jay Leno: "Representative Joe Barton of Texas said Obama asking BP to create a $20 billion escrow fund was a 'shakedown." Can you believe the tar balls on that guy?" "BP's CEO Tony Hayward was testifying before Congress. Or testilying. He was sweating like a British guy going to the dentist. If the leak continues, some species might become endangered, like Democrats." "Forty human heads were found in a box on a Southwest Airlines flight. They were noticed when they complained about the lack of legroom." "The #1 cause of global warming turns out to be Al Gore's pants."

Jimmy Kimmel: "L.A.'s mayor warned Lakers fans that if they do things like tipping over cars they should life from their knees." "Texas Congressman Joe Barton of Texas calls the $20 billion BP escrow fund a shakedown. That's the guy we should plug the hole with."

Jimmy Fallon: "A woman in England left $3 million to her dogs. You know they'll just spend it on bitches."

Craig Ferguson: "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is opening in Florida. He's my favorite gay wizard. Maybe he isn't gay, but he always has a wand in his hand. I want a porn theme park. To go on this ride you must bee this big." "My robot sidekick Jeff is a very capricious skeleton. You want to google that? I'll wait."

Use the link below to see Daniel Tosh of Comedy Central remix "What What (in the Butt)"

http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=313322&title=web-remix-what-what-in-the-butt

Friday, June 18

Strangie to Jay Leno: "BP has changed its slogan to 'What Can Brown Do For You?'"

David Letterman: "Sure, but what about global humidity?" "In honor of Gay Pride Week, the mayor has changed his name to Neil Patrick Bloomberg. Good luck getting your dog groomed this week. For the Gay Parade I'm going as Helen Thomas." "Father's Day is Sunday. Give him a case of Colt 45 and a nose-hair trimmer. Last year my son gave me a mug that said 'World's Oldest Dad.'" "We're starting to smell the oil spill up here. I really noticed it when I came out tonight. BP may go out of business. Then who would be in charge of not stopping the leak?" Guest Larry Miller: "God said, 'Who ate the apple?' and Adam said, 'Eve did.' Eve said, 'Really?' She grabbed a fig leaf. 'You're never going to see this again.'"

Jay Leno: "The problem's solved. They're going to plug the oil leak with Celtics championship T-shirts. Lakers fans actually pushed one of Charlie Sheen's cars back up the cliff." "Rep. Joe Barton of Texas apologized to BP. How dumb are you when the head of BP is in the room and people still think you're the stupid one. Still, I understand how hard it is to bite the hand that bribes you." "It's the 38th anniversary of Watergate, the last time anyone thought the Democrats had plans worth stealing." "Forty human heads were found on a Southwest flight. They all died waiting for their connections." "A study showed rats are born with a sense of direction. They head straight to law school."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Sunday is Father's Day, when we celebrate a guy who had sex with our mother." "The U.S. soccer team got a tie instead of a win when the ref called a foul for no apparent reason. That ref is just lucky we don't care about soccer."

Jimmy Fallon: "Tonight we're going to pretend the oil spill never happened. Like BP does." "In New York you can now buy 192 proof liquor. Or the clerk can just punch you in the liver." "A British man almost lost a testicle while getting a bikini wax in a bar. I think he lost both testicles when he decided to get a bikini wax in a bar." "A Harry Potter theme park just opened in Florida. You must be this nerdy to get on the rides."

Craig Ferguson: "There are now two female astronauts in the International Space Station. You know what this means, zero gravity underpants pillow fights." "Taylor Lautner has said that in future movies he will only take his shirt off if there's a reason for it. I just finished the screenplay for 'The Man Without a Shirt." "There's more water than we thought on the moon. There's so much water, in fact, that BP's going up to ruin it." "'Toy Story' needs balance. Too much Buzz and you can't get Woody, but if you get Woody for over four hours you need a doctor." Viewer e-mail: "I have to write a poem for school. What should it be about?" Craig: "Nantucket."

Joel McHale on "The Soup": "Jimmy Dean died this week. Now where can we find another former singer good at peddling his sausage?" Showed a clip of Ru Paul.

Monday, June 21

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Father's Day just gets bigger and bigger every year, thanks to DNA testing."

Jon Stewart: Jon showed the Governor of Mississippi saying he didn't like BP creating a $20 billion fund to pay damages, because then they wouldn't bar able to earn money to pay damages. Jon: "That wasn't just circular logic, that was circular-jerk logic."

Stephen Colbert: "In the World Cup we crushed England 1 to 1. Chew on that, England, with your one remaining misaligned tooth. And the next game we should have won, but the ref called a bogus foul. The U.S. hasn't felt this much global good will since 9/11. We should use it. We need to invade somebody."

David Letterman: "It's the longest day of the year. The second-longest is the day you have lunch with Regis." "Yesterday was Father's Day. The #1 TV dad was Bill Cosby. I was on the list, too, between Jon Gosselin and that guy who taught his kid to smoke." "Last week at a Mets game Lady Gaga took off all her clothes and gave the crowd the finger. This weekend she went into the Yankee's locker room, took off her clothes and fondled her breasts. Well, Babe Ruth used to do that too. She's going from stadium to stadium making a fool of herself, like the Orioles." "Madonna is spending $2 million to redo her bedroom. She's installing one of those bakery machines that issues tickets for the next number being served."

Jay Leno: "'Toy Story 3' took in $105 million. In this one the toys try to reconcile with the Chinese kids who made them. Buzz Lightyear takes Viagra and turns into Woody." "BP head Tony Hayward spent the weekend yachting. Where are those Somali pirates when you need them?" "Obama's handling of the oil leak is so bad Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter." "Campbell's has a big recall. SpaghettiOs are now SpaghettiUhOs. But how can you tell SpaghettiOs are bad?" "A 57-year-old lawyer is in trouble for having sex with a female client. It only took two minutes, but he billed her for the whole hour." "Sarah Palin says she smoked marijuana but didn't like it. Maybe that's what John McCain was smoking when he picked her." Headlines: "Federal Workshop on Openness Closed." "Your health and safety are our almost priority." In a poll on people's worst annual chore one guy picked changing the cat litter box. "Fewer Balls more Wangs as British names change." Weddings: Smelley - Bad, Dodge - Ball, Ware - Wolfe, Funke - Meister, Wright -Tingle, Rider - Moore, Green - Willie, Stout - Johnson.

Jimmy Fallon: "Biden's handicap is 16 and Obama's handicap is Biden." "BP's Tony Hayward spent the weekend on his yacht, the S.S. Middle Finger." "A 3-D porn version of 'Avatar' is coming out this fall, so nerds won't be coming out until spring." "Catholic priests can now perform mass on an iPad, and altar boys are learning the difference between iTouch and badTouch."

Craig Ferguson: "California may allow electronic ads around license plates. I don't want to be distracted like that when I'm texting." "It's the longest day of the year and the shortest night. Coincidence?" "The Druids created Stonehenge as a calendar, with carvings of sexy fireman at the 12 places. Well, the Druids were bored. They could either dance around a bonfire or watch Larry King. I used to dance at a club called Bonehenge."

Tuesday, June 22

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin said she tried marijuana a few years ago but didn't like what it did to her judgment and perception, and hopes it'll wear off someday."

Jon Stewart: "Blame for the Gulf oil spill has been spreading like ..."

Stephen Colbert: "'Rolling Stone' has been an American institution ever since they started putting me on the cover four years ago. Now his 'Rolling Stone' interview is getting General McChrystal's stones rolled."

David Letterman: "It's so hot the hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are giving out frosted condoms."

Jay Leno: "It's two days since Father's Day, so John Edwards can come out now." "Missouri is banning women from taking their clothes off in strip clubs. I thought Missouri was the 'Show Me' state." "There's been a big increase in senior citizen sexting. You thought grandma was a slow driver before." "Cameron Diaz says a woman having sex with another woman doesn't make her a lesbian. I don't know. I'd have to see it to believe it."

Jimmy Kimmel's show lost power, so he had to broadcast from his laptop.

Jimmy Fallon: "Helen Mirren, 64, posed topless for 'New York Magazine.' When you open the issue, instead of subscription cards, her boobs fall out." "Jake and Vienna of 'The Bachelor' have broken up. Something went out of their relationship. Cameras." "Heidi Montag has hired a divorce lawyer. It's a pity they're breaking up. She was literally made for Spencer." "A cat survived after riding in a car's engine for an hour. However, the dog who was driving has been charged with attempted murder." "Women with lower IQs were found to be more likely to marry rich guys. Women with higher IQs were more likely to marry rich old guys." "At Wimbledon the lawn is nicely manicured, especially if you're Venus Williams in a little short skirt."

Craig Ferguson: "Lindsay Lohan agreed to pose nude for an ad for handbags. It's all leathery and holds two bottles of liquor. I don't know about the handbag." "I like to have sex with a little preppy shirt tied around my neck, the little alligator watching me." "Tennis is just waving with equipment. Queen Elizabeth is going to be attending Wimbledon. I'll bet instead of the usual bows and curtsies she'd like to be mooned. If I want to hear guys grunting while hitting balls I'll go to a party at Ricky Martin's house."

Wednesday, June 23

Strangie to David Letterman: "General McChrystal's mouth is another hole Obama can't plug."

Jon Stewart: "McChrystal's Balls."

Chelsea Handler: "We tried to reach Latoya for comment, but she was out of cell phone minutes."

David Letterman: Announcer intro: "Now, loose-lipped United States Army General, David Letterman!" Dave: "It's 89 and sultry today, like Betty White." "It was a small meeting in the Oval Office today. Just President Obama, General McChrystal and the Salahis." (They were the couple who crashed the White House dinner.) "That American guy said he didn't want to kill bin Laden, just keep him out of Arizona."

Jay Leno: "Obama told Gen. McChrystal, 'Yes, you're canned.' Obama said you don't criticize your bosses, which is why he says nothing bad about the Chinese." "Cocaine production in Peru is up again. Where do they get the energy?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Jake the Bachelor and Vienna have broken up. I don't know. When I was a boy, and a man got down on one knee and asked a woman to marry him, and then did it again for the reverse shot, it meant something."

Jimmy Fallon: "General McChrystal's policy with 'Rolling Stone' was Just Ask, I'll Tell." "Daniel Radcliffe said the first time he heard Justin Bieber sing he thought it was a girl. Bieber said, 'Ha, ha, I slept with Hermione.'"

Craig Ferguson: "The new 'Twilight' movie has long lines of teenage girls, what Roman Polanski counts to go to sleep every night." "North Korea has the Kim Jong Illeth Fair."

"The Middle:" Heroine: "Making us work on Thanksgiving is just wrong!" Boss: "So's taking the country away from a bunch of Indians, but aren't you glad we did?"

Thursday, June 24

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "A teacher in Iowa showed her young students graphic sexual positions using stuffed animals. Can you say 'Toy Story 4'? Woody's back."

Jon Stewart: Jon gave the statistics of the longest tennis match in history, including "five chafed nipples." Showed a clip of the Wimbledon crowd at the end chanting, "We want more!" Oil spill segment: "Endless Bummers." "Obama fired Gen. McChrystal for doing the unthinkable, making 'Rolling Stone' relevant."

Stephen Colbert: "McChrystal Blew Persuasion." "It looks less and less likely that Louisiana will be able to clean up its beaches before the next disaster." "The robot knocked the cap off the oil leak. The most plausible BP robot solution at this point is to send a Terminator back in time to kill Tony Hayward."

David Letterman: "Wimbledon had the longest tennis match in history, one more thing Obama couldn't figure out how to stop." "Congressmen are saying BP is either lying or incompetent. Why not both?" "General McChrystal has been fired for insubordination and is being punished with a $3 million book deal. Obama has troubles with his generals. Clinton had trouble with his privates."

Jay Leno: "General McChrystal has canceled his subscription to 'Rolling Stone.'" "A masseuse claims Al Gore made improper sexual advances in 2006, and when she asked if he was going to tip her he yelped, 'Tipper? Where?' Forget cars. We have to reduce Al Gore's emissions." "The line for iPhones got into a fight with the line for 'Twilight' tickets, geek-on-geek violence."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The iPhone 4 answers many questions left unanswered by the iPhone 3. There's an extra camera so you can talk and see the other person, excellent for driving."

Jimmy Fallon: "The longest tennis match in history, over 11 hours. The American said he just missed the birth of his first child and urinated in his pants ten times." "A priest in Connecticut stole a million dollars from the parish. His bishop said, 'He stole money? Oh, thank God!"

Craig Ferguson: "CNN has given ousted New York Governor Eliot Spitzer his own show. They know he can get the most out of an hour."

Friday, June25

Strangie to David Letterman: "Sunday is the Gay Parade. Nothing says pride like a 40-year-old fat guy in chiffon."

David Letterman: "Hi, it's Dave Pride Week here in New York. Gay Pride is the only parade where the city's cleaner afterwards."

Jay Leno: "The Oregon masseuse says she kept her clothes with Al Gore's DNA, another stain on the Clinton administration." "President Obama took the Russian President to his favorite burger joint, and the Russian President wanted to pick up the tab, but Obama said, 'Our grandchildren will pay.'" "A tornado hit an Amish community, and the electricity went out for 150 years." "A strip club in New Orleans is asking for BP damage money because the spill caused their business to fall off. It's ironic, the one place where crabs are still plentiful." "A 29-year-old woman burst her windpipe at the World Cup by playing her vuvuzela too hard. Good."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Russian President visited Twitter and set up an account, but his first message was too long. He said not to worry. He's good at eliminating unwanted characters." "The Gay Pride parade is Sunday, when the Big Apple becomes the Big Banana." "Justin Bieber has been nominated for Best New Artist at the BET Awards Sunday. I guess now they're the Blackish Entertainment Awards. 'Playboy' has asked Justin's mom to pose. She said OK, but she won't show her Bieber." "A couple were arrested for trying to sell their baby for $25 in front of a Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart said that was bad, but it was a tribute to their rock-bottom prices." Guest Adam Sandler: "The new iPhone automatically spellchecks your texts. I sent my wife, 'I'm the king of the house and I do what I want,' and it corrected it to, Whatever you say, dear.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Tom Cruise has been making movies for 30 years, since before I was born. Tom dancing in his underwear in 'Risky Business' was voted Best Movie Scene Ever by Ricky Martin. Tom's 5'7" which is actually a reasonable height for a girl."

Special Report, Sunday, June 27

Special Strangie to Andres Dubochet: "My birth was 'Hello, world, good-bye vagina.' Next thing I knew they were taking attendance in a school for the regifted."

"Team Coco Presents Conan's Writers" on TBS: Brian Connely: I had to take my 4-year-old daughter to a Hannah Montana concert, because my wife couldn't go, and I didn't want to go alone again." "My boy asked me what gay means. It wouldn't have bothered me, except he asked right after he saw me throw a baseball." "There's so much sex on TV these days, especially when I'm home alone." "The doctor asked if I'd had sex in the last 7 days, and I said, 'No, my birthday's in November.'" Jimmy Pardo: The musician had a huge Afro: "What don't you have, scissors or a mirror?" Josh Combers: "I don't bring much to the table, which isn't a problem now, but when I was a waiter ..." "A 9-year-old girl was wearing a shirt that said, 'You Wish.' Should little girls be antagonizing pedophiles?" "They're taking all the analogies out of the SATs. That's like ..." "I bought a sex doll, but I'm just blowing a little air into her every day. I'm taking it slow this time, because relationships always blow up in my face." Andres Dubochet: "'The Tonight Show' ended rather suddenly, like my erection on seeing 'Sex & the City 2.'"

"Ellen's Somewhat Special Special" on TBS: "Chicago was founded by wagon train people who gave up halfway." John Maloney: "Pirate treasure chests are always overflowing, and they can't get the lids closed. I think with those eye patches they have poor depth perception."

Monday, June 28
(Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon are in reruns this week)

At the S.F. Pride Parade, Celebrity Grand Marshal Brian Littrell of The Backstreet Boys refused to believe I'm a lesbian,
probably because of the obvious electricity between us.

Other fun Gay Parade photos at www.strangebillions.com/pride2010

Strangie to Jon Stewart: "In the World Cup the U.S. team succumbed to an epidemic of Ghana-rrhea."

Jon Stewart: "And at the G20 Summit we tried to get the other countries to keep spending, but they said no. So we can lose to developed countries as well. Toronto also hosted the annual running of the poly sci majors, G20 protesters who use the global media to protest globalization."

Stephen Colbert: "Life is so fleeting. If Senator Byrd can be taken from us in the wink of an eon ..."

David Letterman: "It's 93 and hazy today, like Helen Thomas. It's so hot in D.C. President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate." "Did you go to the Gay Parade yesterday? I woke up this morning in Miami Beach in Ricky Martin's condo." "Have you been watching the Supreme Court confirmation hearings. In the talent competition Elena Kagan wowed them with 'I Dreamed a Dream.'" "Gary Faulkner was arrested in Pakistan for trying to kill Osama bin Laden. He's here on our show tonight because he thinks bin Laden may be hiding in our balcony." "Protesters in Toronto smashed store windows and overturned cars. I guess they just learned the Lakers won. The G20 is now the G19 since Ghana eliminated the U.S." Top Ten Things That Went Through John Isner's Mind as He Played the Longest Tennis Match in History: 7. I wonder if I'll be sore tomorrow? 4. Why couldn't I have played Federer? It would have been over in 15 minutes. 1. Larry King has had marriages that didn't last this long.

Jimmy Kimmel: "The U.S. not beating Ghana in the World Cup is like Justin Bieber not winning a BET award."

Craig Ferguson: "I just spent the weekend filming a special for Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. I learned that sharks are beautiful creatures and they don't need me swimming over to make them laugh. Sharks are the most dangerous thing in the ocean, except for BP. In this photo these are sharks and this is a middle-aged Scottish comedian doing something unspeakable in a rented wetsuit."

Tuesday, June 29

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Fireworks have been canceled in many cities this 4th of July because they literally have no money to burn."

Jon Stewart: "Custardy Battle: Vice President Joe Biden got in trouble for calling a guy in a custard factory a smartass."

Stephen Colbert: "When I play sports I go balls out. Also when I watch sports. And I'd like to apologize again to the guests at my Super Bowl party for double-dipping."

David Letterman: "It's 90 and miserable today, like Andy Rooney." "A Russian spy ring in New York was spotted by an alert T-shirt vendor." "Sandra Bullock is divorced now and is dating Gary the Osama bin Laden hunter."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Have you been watching the World Cup? If I want to see two hours where nobody scores I'll play my prom tape." "BP says all the cleanup workers are new jobs. BP taking credit for stimulating the economy is like Al-Qaeda taking credit for new jobs in airport security."

Craig Ferguson: "Larry King is retiring. No! That's 50% of the material of this show." "Joe Biden arrived in the Gulf to survey the oil spill. Haven't these people suffered enough?" "Oprah is #1 on the 'Forbes' list of world's 100 most powerful celebrities, and Lady Gaga is #4. I know! But they say she's the new Madonna. I was the new Madonna once."

Wednesday, June 30

Strangie to David Letterman: "Have you been watching the Elena Kagan Supreme Court confirmation? So far she's offered very few opinions. My God, how do you find a woman like that?"

Jon Stewart: John Hodgman: "If you think about it, Glenn Beck makes a lot of sense. And if you don't think, he makes even more."

Stephen Colbert: "King Tut's penis is missing. It was with him when the tomb was opened in 1922, but was missing in 1968, so Egypt attacked Israel, known for removing at least parts of penises."

David Letterman: "Sunday is July 4, which means three straight days of drinking responsibly. I always say, 'Mom, come on, at least eat the olives." "Larry King is retiring to spend more time with his wives. He's been looking down ever since his recent death. His absence will leave a void. In fact, his presence leaves a void." "Those Russian spies were so savvy they knew four years ago that Ricky Martin is gay."

Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy showed a photo of Paris Hilton on her way to the World Cup with about 20 suitcases. "Does she know you can buy condoms in South Africa?"

Craig Ferguson: "I'm Scottish, so when I slip my hand under my belt I've already hit pay dirt." "I've trained my dog to find my car keys. When I come home at night I tie them on his genitals." "Larry King is suggesting Ryan Seacrest replace him. I'm sure Ryan would love to fill Larry's seat."

"The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner" is a novella that is better than the actual books of the "Twilight" vampire series.

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GoDaddy handles my own web sites very well.

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