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America's Late-Night-TV Jokes, June 2010

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim
(San Francisco's Town Fool for the odd quarter century)

Thursday, June 3 Strangie: Stephen Colbert: "This is like doing a story on famous TV horses and leaving out John Kerry."

June Strangies: Colbert 2, Stewart 1

 

Tuesday, June 1 Strangie: Jon Stewart: "The Spilling Fields: Crisis in the Gulf: Failure to Staunch: The good news is, it's now clear there's an awful lot of oil in the earth."

Wednesday, June 2 Strangie: Stephen Colbert: "James Cameron has been called in to help BP with their oil spill. Soon they'll be failing in 3-D."

Thursday, June 3 Strangie: Stephen Colbert: "This is like doing a story on famous TV horses and leaving out John Kerry.

Tuesday, June 1
(All in reruns except Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert)

Strangie to Jon Stewart: "The Spilling Fields: Crisis in the Gulf: Failure to Staunch: The good news is, it's now clear there's an awful lot of oil in the earth."

Jon Stewart: Wyatt Cenac: "BP gave up on getting the oil out of the water a long time ago. Now they're figuring out how to get the water and dead shrimp and stuff out of the oil."


Bite Me by Christopher Moore, William Morrow 2010

The continuing saga of vampires in San Francisco, this time vampire cats as well as humans. Wonderful! Told by teen goth girl Abby Normal

Foo still worked part-time at Stereo City, where he specialized in telling people that they needed a bigger TV.

In fact, I know a guy in the Haight who will tattoo you for free if you're a girl and you keep yelling at him the whole time, which, it turns out, isn't that hard to do when someone is poking you with an electric needle.

The Tenderloin was, in fact, also the theater district, which was convenient if you wanted to see a first-rate show in addition to drinking a bottle of Thunderbird and being stabbed repeatedly.

It had yet to draw the young professional crowd that sprayed everything with a shiny coat of latte and money.

The Countess has lectured me about respecting myself and how a woman must never sacrifice her dignity to a man unless he gives her jewelry or is a smoking hottie and has a job ...

Wednesday, June 2
(All in reruns except Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Craig Ferguson)

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "James Cameron has been called in to help BP with their oil spill. Soon they'll be failing in 3-D."

Jon Stewart: "Israel boarded the Palestinian ship looking for war material but found only medical supplies. Now they claim the Palestinians were planning to build crutchapults."

Stephen Colbert: "We just had a two-week vacation and I saw something I haven't seen in years, my family." "Lisa Miller, 'Newsweek's' religion editor is here to talk about her new book 'Heaven.' and she'll spend seven minutes there tonight."


Bite Me by Christopher Moore, William Morrow 2010

The continuing saga of vampires in San Francisco, this time vampire cats as well as humans. Wonderful! Told by teen goth girl Abby Normal

The Chinese herb shop smelled like licorice and dried monkey butt.

"He says it's the best dried bear penis you can buy," said Troy Lee. "Okay," said Drew, "a gram."

Lately the Animals had been all about saving lives. Most of the time, guys their age would be fairly convinced of their immortality, or at least oblivious of their mortality, but since being murdered by a blue hooker turned vampire, then resurrected as vampires, then restored to living by Foo Dog's genetic alchemy, they had been feeling what they could only describe as Jesusy.

Foul and magical fumes bubbled out of the kettle, like the flatulence of dragons on a demon-only diet. "That smells like fermented skunk ass," said Jeff.

Thursday, June 3
(David Letterman, Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon in reruns)

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "This is like doing a story on famous TV horses and leaving out John Kerry."

Jon Stewart: "The Spilling Fields: This heated dome is to appease the leak by giving it better and better homes."

Stephen Colbert: "Crude & Unusual: We can solve this problem by simply renaming the Gulf of Mexico The Black Sea. They're using a diamond drill because, like a diamond, this spill is forever." "Vampire Weekend is here in a rare Vampire weeknight appearance." "If 'Consumer Reports' knows so much about what consumers want, why are they still a printed magazine?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "I moved to L.A. in 1994 when I was playing Ross on 'Friends.'" "Sarah Ferguson, who's known as Fergie when she performs with the Black Eyed Peas ..."

Craig Ferguson: "Today is National Repeat Day. Today is National Repeat Day, when we celebrate television repeats." "Mark Twain's autobiography is coming out. He wouldn't let it be printed until a hundred years after his death. He was the leading humorist of his day, but that's just because Carrot Top hadn't been born yet. Turns out Mark Twain was into sex toys, into vibrators and the Suckleberry Finn. There were no batteries in those days, so he had to hook it up to a kite and wait for a thunderstorm."


Bite Me by Christopher Moore, William Morrow 2010

The continuing saga of vampires in San Francisco, this time vampire cats as well as humans. Wonderful! Told by teen goth girl Abby Normal

'Kayso, it turns out that driving an actual car is way harder than it is in Grand Theft Auto.

So cop one, who is in charge because he has the car keys, is all, "I'll check this out, wait here while I go make radio noises in the car like a humongous loser while my wife is home boning some huge stud muffin."
I'm paraphrasing.

'Kayso, like the Terminator (the liquid one, not the one that was governor ...

... and I don't have super powers and my evil is still totally speakable. Fucksocks!

Rivera led the way to the steel door that the hounds were going at as if someone had duct taped it to a fox.

For each day's funniest zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

 

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