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Late-Night-TV Zingers June 2009
Collected by Strange de Jim
June wins: Letterman 8, O'Brien 4, Fallon 3, Ferguson 2, Kimmel 2, Colbert 1, Stewart 1
June winner: David Letterman guest Martin Short: "I have three children, one of each."
June 1 winner: David Letterman: "Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor impressed Obama by putting her gavel in her mouth. She's already asked not to be seated next to Clarence Thomas."
June 2 winner: David Letterman: "Apparently the North Koreans are getting Kim Jong Il to step down by offering him the 10 o'clock spot. And he could be replaced by his son, Kim Jong W. Il."
June 3 winner: Conan O'Brien: "In the year 3000 YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will combine to form one super site, YouTwitFace."
June 4 winner: David Letterman: Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Tony Awards Host (read by this year's host Neil Patrick Harris): "Thinks the two gangs in 'West Side Story' are the Jets and the 49ers." "Quits after ten minutes, citing 'mercury poisoning from sushi.'" "Plans to have a bare-assed Angela Lansbury lowered onto Eminem." "He's straight."
June 5 winner: Conan O'Brien: Jay Leno ended by bringing out the 68 kids born to staff members in the 17 years of the show, so Conan brought out the whole flock of kids born to his staff over the 16 years of his old show. They all had red hair.
June 8 winner: Craig Ferguson: "You can't prove something with a drawing. You can make a drawing of a unicorn, a drawing of a female orgasm. Well, a female orgasm is real. I know what that sounds like: 'Baa.'"
June 9 winner: Jimmy Kimmel showed a clip of two monkeys having sex on the hood of a car. "By the way, Paris Hilton is on the show tonight."
June 10 winner: Conan O'Brien: "President Obama wants health care that's affordable and easy to use. Insurance companies will fight his plan with Congressmen who are also affordable and easy to use."
June 11 winner: David Letterman: "I got into trouble earlier in the week. I made some jokes about Sarah Palin's family, and she got mad. But I think everything's going to be all right now, because she called today and invited me to go hunting."
June 12 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "Lil Wayne has become the father of two children by two different women: Lil Drunk and Lil Stoned."
June 15 winner: David Letterman: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is very happy that he won. He was up all night shooting nuclear missiles into the air. Today the Supreme Leader in Iran certified the results and shipped the crooked voting machines back to Florida."
June 16 winner: David Letterman: "I was nervous about apologizing to Sarah Palin, so to get my nerve up I practiced by apologizing to Tina Fey.
June 17 winner: Stephen Colbert: "Wow, those Iranians are REALLY pissed at Letterman!"
June 18 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "A guy was arrested for impersonating his dead mother to cash her Social Security checks. He said the worst part was having sex with his dad three times a week."
June 19 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Robbers in L.A. held up a medical marijuana clinic. Police could get no descriptions. All the witnesses claimed they had glaucoma."
June 22 winner: Craig Ferguson: "The new show is going to be 'Jon & Kate Less Half of Jon's Stuff.' Excuse me if I'm bitter."
June 23 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "There's going to be a great new reality show. One house, two single moms, and a crapload of kids. 'Octomom & Kate + 22.'"
June 24 winner: Jon Stewart played the clip of the South Carolina Governor saying he was going to make a confession. Jon: "You're a bottom?" Then Jon continued the clip to where the Governor says, "I was unfaithful to my wife." Jon: "Another politician with a conservative mind and a liberal penis."
June 25 tie: David Letterman: "It's Gay Pride Week. The Statue of Liberty is holding a mojito. And all the street vendors are selling inflatable Anderson Coopers." Jimmy Fallon: "'Transformers' took in $60 million yesterday. I can't believe so many people are interested in Cher's daughter."
June 26 winner: David Letterman guest Martin Short: "I have three children, one of each."
June 29 and 30: Dave, Conan, Jimmy, Jimmy and Craig were on vacation, so I was too.
David Letterman: "I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor. This morning I got a call from Mom: 'Well, David I see you didn't get "The Tonight Show" again.'" "So nice today that General Motors sold a convertible. Taxpayers are loaning GM $30 billion. GM has become America's brother-in-law." "Susan Boyle came in second in 'Britain's Got Talent.' The competition was stiff. Prince Charles played 'God Save the Queen' on his teeth. Remember when the Queen was here and went to the Kentucky Derby? She'd walk up to horses in the paddock and say, 'Charles?'" "Presidents Clinton and Bush had a debate in Toronto over the weekend. The last time they were both in Canada was to get out of Viet Nam." "President Obama brought Michelle here to New York for a show. Embarrassing moment, he picked up a baby to kiss it, and it turned out to be Mayor Bloomberg. The big moment for Michelle was when she got to plant a vegetable garden in Donald Trump's hair."
Conan O'Brien's first "Tonight Show:" Two minutes before the show Conan realized he'd forgotten to move to L.A., so he ran out to hail a cab and couldn't get one, so he ran across America. When he arrived at the Universal lot in L.A. his studio was locked, and he realized he'd left the key on his disk in New York. He hopped on a bulldozer and plowed through the studio wall. "I'm on the last-place network. I moved to a state that's bankrupt, and my show's sponsored by General Motors." First guest Will Ferrell had himself carried on in a sedan chair hefted by four sturdy ancient Egyptians. Will: "This is so incredible, Conan, because no one thought you could do it. NO ONE!"
Stephen Colbert segment: "Supreme Court Press." "Will the Republicans' opposition to Sotomayor mean that they'll lose their Latino voter?"
Jimmy Fallon: "I'd like to congratulate GM's new owner, us. It's said the company will emerge from bankruptcy in three years or 30,000 miles, whichever comes first." "Morgan Freeman turned 72, and celebrated by not narrating anything." "Now you can enjoy your Xbox without using your hands. So you can use your Xbox and play with your Wii at the same time." "The last survivor of the Titanic has died. The family asked that instead of flowers you send iceberg lettuce." The Octomom is going to have a new reality show, 'I'm a Baby. Get Me Out of Here.'"
Craig Ferguson: "Dick Cheney said today that he supports gay marriage I think it's only because he thinks of it as a form of torture." "The Octomom is going to have a new reality show, 'I'm a Baby. Get Me Out of Here.'" [Yes, identical to Jimmy Fallon's joke.] "Susan Boyle lost 'The British American Idol,' which is an odd name for a show. She had to lose, because there's only room for one middle-aged Scottish person who wears a dress, and that's me."
Daniel Tosh ad for his new internet show on Comedy Central "Tosh.0:" "Let us be your half-hour break from porn."
Pete Correale on Comedy Central: "If my dog could talk it would ruin me. I'd have to kill it. I couldn't kill my own dog. I'd hire a hit man." "Laughing can add eight years to your life. Smoking can shorten your life by seven years. So if I chuckle between puffs I can live a year longer than if I never smoked at all." "Can I play bongos!? I don't know, do I have two hands and pot?" "A bed salesman asked what my present bed is made of. Lies and broken promises. Actually I know we have a good marriage. Last weekend we put together a bed from Ikea and it didn't end in divorce."
Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "Kate Moss is writing a scratch and snort book."
David Letterman: "Actually I'm kind of glad I didn't get picked for 'The Tonight Show.' Apparently the gig has term limits." "General Motors wants more money. I'd tell them, 'Wait here while I talk to the manager. And did you want the undercoating?'" "Dick Cheney came out in favor of same-sex marriage. I have no problem with same sex marriage either. It's opposite-sex marriage I'm having trouble with. I've been in a same-sex marriage for three months now. Every night I get the same sex. None." Top ten messages on Dick Cheney's answering machine (after he came out for gay marriage): "Was waterboarding just an excuse for you to see hot, soaking wet dudes?" "Is your Tony Awards party still on for Sunday?" "This is Blockbuster. Your copy of 'The Good, The Bad and The Oily' is nine days late." "Loved the window treatments in your secret bunker." "Hi, I'm looking for Dick."
Stephen Colbert: "The Breakfast Clubbed: The FDA has ordered Cheerios to drop health claims."
Conan O'Brien: "Earlier this evening Brian Williams interviewed President Obama in the Oval Office, and he asked him about handling the transition." Obama: "We're watching the transition from Leno to Conan, and I hope it goes smoothly, but I have to warn there will be no bailout." Conan: "Obama is determined to close Gitmo, and to make sure it happens, the new head of the prison will be the former head of GM." "Dick Cheney says his lesbian daughter convinced him to support gay marriage. Yesterday she was seen waterboarding him." "'American Idol' runner-up Adam Lambert is on the cover of 'Rolling Stone,' and the article reveals he's gay. They also claim Amy Winehouse drinks a bit." "Kirstie Alley told 'People' she would love a booty call from Jamie Fox. Jamie Fox has entered the witness protection program."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Dick Cheney announced he supports gay marriage and also revealed he has the world's largest collection of Faberge eggs."
Jimmy Fallon: "Kim Jong Il named his son as his successor. I'm glad things are going so well for Lil' Kim." "A study shows that people who stay up late are more depressed than people who go to bed early. I'd like to point out that the study was done before I took over the show."
Craig Ferguson: "GM is selling the Hummer division to China. Considering the money we've borrowed from China I'm surprised we haven't been giving them Hummers for years."
David Letterman: "Mom was on the phone this morning. 'David, David, when did Jay dye his hair orange?" "Kim Jong Il hasn't stopped sobbing since Susan Boyle lost. North Korea has already named his successor, Conan Jong-il." "Osama bin Laden put out a new tape. He rants and raves, and then at the end he sings 'I Dreamed a Dream.'" "This woman goes to Phil Spector's house on a first date, and he says she shot herself, and if you've seen Phil Spector this is easy to believe. Anyway he went to prison, and before he went in he had to give up his wig, and Carol Channing was happy to get it back." "Dick Cheney now says Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11. And to get that information he had to waterboard himself."
Jon Stewart: "'The New York Post' is giving away diamonds to readers. At this point you're not a newspaper anymore. You're a lottery ticket with a horoscope." Dick Cheney segment title: "Dick (Uncut)." Correspondent Wyatt Senac on white people pretending they were attacked by black people. "We've come a long way, but we still have too much imaginary-black-on-real-white assault."
Conan O'Brien: "Bo Obama has already learned to beg for federal bailout money." "A study found the rudest city in Europe is Paris, France. The study was conducted by The Institute of Duh." "A Seattle company is making bacon-flavored vodka. The hardest part is getting the pig drunk." "Joan Rivers is selling her New York apartment for $25 million. That sounds like a lot, but the apartment had had a lot of work done." "The Mayor of L.A. is dating another TV reporter. When they say 'Action 7 News' they mean it." "A London driver's last twitter was, 'I'm about to run into a tree.'" "There's a new musical about the Octomom. It's called 'Spermalot.'" Year 3000 segment: "In the year 3000 the ShamWow guy reveals he's not the real ShamWow guy. He's a sham ShamWow guy."
Jimmy Kimmel: "As President Obama was signing the order to honor Ronald Reagan on his 100th birthday Nancy Reagan said, 'Oh my, you're black, aren't you?'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Americans have a more negative view of Muslims now than they did in 2002. That's because the media won't report the good bombings."
Craig Ferguson: "Rush Limbaugh says he might support Obama's Supreme Court nominee. Somebody had his medication changed!" "When I was in the Middle East people kept asking if I knew Bruce Willis. So I started saying, 'Yes, and he's a great kisser.'" "My wife was with me. She's been hanging around for months now."
"Inside Edition" had a clip of the Octomom commenting on "Jon & Kate + 8:" "It's just my opinion, but some people will do anything for attention."
Stephen Colbert: "Wikipedia has banned Scientology from editing their own entry after they listed Tom Cruise's height as 5'10"." "Abstinence-only sex education. Wait for it ..."
Conan O'Brien: "Last week Rush Limbaugh said Supreme Court nominee Sotomayor Might be a racist. Now he says he may support her -- when he becomes sure she IS a racist." "Larry King's wife may star in the 'Spider Man' musical on Broadway. Larry will appear as Dr. Prostate." "J.D. Salinger is suing a guy who wrote 'Catcher in the Rye 2: Electric Boogaloo.'" "Heidi Montag says husband Spencer Pratt is so competitive he'd throw her over a cliff to win something. At last a reason to root for Spencer Pratt." Guest Joel McHale: "I have three jobs because I don't like spending time with my family."
Jimmy Kimmel: "New Hampshire now allows same-sex marriage. Their motto is now 'Live free or dye your tips like Ryan Seacrest.' And Rhode Island's new motto is 'Surrounded by gays.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "The government accidentally posted a list of all our secret nuclear sites. No one knows who ... OK, it was Joe Biden." "A cat survived a 26-story fall. Unfortunately it fell 27 stories." "Miley Cyrus has a new line of inexpensive clothing at Walmart, including a backpack strong enough to carry your whole family." "Some New York Mets may be suffering from swine flu. Usually they don't start choking until September."
Craig Ferguson: "Scientists can now track penguins from space by following their trail of poop. It's the same way the Secret Service keeps track of Joe Biden."
"New Adventures of Old Christine:" Old Christine: "I can find my own men." Her brother Richard: "Yeah, go check your traps."
David Letterman: "Tony Awards Sunday. We're nominated again for Best Worst Use of a Broadway Theater. If Angela Lansbury doesn't win an award I get a beating from my bookie. Up for Best Musical this year is a show about a former Vice President, 'Cheny Get Your Gun.'" "My wife and I don't go out to restaurants. We have our staring contests at home." "It's Superman's birthday today. They don't let him blow out the candles, because he'd get cake all over the county. He still has X-ray vision, but he just uses it to get a look at his colon. This is the sort of stuff I'm using to go up against Conan. He's the new host of 'The Tonight Show.' Did they even look at my audition tape?" "On this day in 1925 the Chrysler Corporation was founded, and had it lived it would have been 84 today. Luckily you the stock is still available at 1925 prices." "In New York you can now share a cab with a stranger. I saw two strangers sharing a cab today. One took the tires; the other took the radio." "Phil Spector's gone to prison for murder. It's sad. On the other hand it's his first hit since the '60's." "Today Dick Cheney came out in favor of same-sex waterboarding." "There's a new Osama bin Laden tape. In this one he's drunk in the cave, eating a cheeseburger off the floor." Guest Steven Wright: "I like to skate on the other side of the ice." "A lot of people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths." "People ask me if I slept well. No, I made a few mistakes." "I was born by Caesarian section. When I leave a room I go out the window." "A cop stopped me and asked if I didn't know the speed limit was 55 mph. I said, 'Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long.'" Top Ten Worst Summer Jobs: "8. Assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh. 6. Second assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh."
Chelsea Handler: "I'm drawn to 'The Cougar' like a gay moth to a flaming homosexual."
Conan O'Brien: Segment where celebrities complete a statement: "Even though I'm older now ... Bill Clinton: 'I can still hear Hillary's car from three miles away.' I think the rapid disappearance of so many species ... Kirstie Alley: 'Is a testament to my ability to sneak up quietly.' There are two types of people in this world ... Paris Hilton: 'People who have had sex with me and Dan Jenkens of Sarasota, Florida."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama visited the pyramids today and called them awe inspiring. Bush called them pointy." "Kenny G is 53 today. His friends gave him a party in one of New York's finest elevators." "Randy Johnson of the San Francisco Giants won his 300th game. He's 45. He also leads in runs to the bathroom."
Craig Ferguson: "In September Whitney Houston will release her first album in seven years, featuring her new song 'And I Will Always Love Crack.'" "When I say my friends I mean, of course, my puppets." "I thought I'd already seen 'Land of the Lost,' but that was 'Gland of the Lust.' I think dinosaurs would do great in Las Vegas. Just look at Cher." Guest Henry Cho: "I'm a full-blooded Korean but was born in Knoxville. We were the only Asians, so I didn't know I was supposed to be smart." "They say never go to bed angry, but sometimes you just have to sleep."
"Tosh.0" on Comedy Central: Daniel Tosh: "Comedy Central is paying me to goof around on the internet all day. Sounds like every job I ever had."
On "Reno 911" the sheriff's department is called to a motel where the cast of "Jesus Christ Superstar" is having a loud party. It turns out the noise complaint was called in by Judas.
Ron White on Comedy Central: "I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability."
Bo Burnham on Comedy Central: "Even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay, but I'm straight as a ramp, if you don't count Bible camp."
June 7 Tony Awards Zingers
Here's the second half of the
opening number, with Shrek, Dolly Parton, Liza Minnelli and
the most exhilarating version of "Let the Sun Shine In" you'll ever see.
Host Neil Patrick Harris: "I'm told that was the biggest and most expensive opening number in the history of the Tony Awards. That's why I'm the host." "She's appearing on Broadway for the first time in 48 years. We can expect her back in 2055 in 'Blithe Spirit.' Here's Jane Fonda." "President Obama attended 'Joe Turner's Come and Gone,' resulting in increased ticket sales. Take my advice. Cash in. Go presidential. I can see the marquees now: 'Barack of Ages,' 'Phantom of the Oprah' -- she's almost the president. 'Obama Mia!'" [A dig at Jeremy Piven, who quit a lead role citing mercury poisoning from too much sushi] "This sushi is so good. If I ate it every day I could do show after show after show." "Coming out for the second time this year, David Hyde Pierce." James Gandolfini came on right after a 'Shrek' number: "For the record, Shrek and I are no relation." One minor winner: "Now I'll have to admit to my parents that I don't work in a bank." Best Actor winner Geoffrey Rush: "I want to thank the Manhattan theater audiences for proving that French existential absurdist tragicomedy rocks!"
Here's Neil Patrick Harris singing a recap of the show with all the actual events woven into the song.
David Letterman: "It's summer in New York, and tomorrow the subway goes clothing optional." "'The New York Post' printed nude photos of Britney Spears. You don't have to buy a newspaper. If you want to see her naked, just buy her a beer." "The Tony Awards had an embarrassing moment when Angela Lansbury was mistaken for Elton John. Angela won an unprecedented fifth Tony, and she was also named acting president of General Motors. The Tony show was so long that at the end Godot finally arrived." "Sarah Palin was in New York today, keying Tina Fey's car, and she finally met one of those Jewish people Mel Gibson's always talking about. She went to a Yankee game with Rudi Giuliani. Their seats were in far far right field. They were shown to their seats by Joe the Usher. During the seventh inning her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." "Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle, and Rush Limbaugh said he hopes it doesn't heal." Dave ran a clip of Laura Bush showing their new home in Dallas. In the backyard was a huge statue of a naked Dick Cheney. Guest Howard Stern: "I never liked Jay. I was on Leno once, and I brought out two lesbians. He was shocked. He walked off his own show. Right then I knew he wouldn't last."
Stephen Colbert is in Iraq all week in "Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando." When he got off the plane he was hit by a slew of shoes.
Conan O'Brien: "Sonia Sotomayor fell at LaGuardia and broke her ankle. If she becomes a Justice her first case will by Sotomayor vs. LaGuardia." "A family brought their 100-year-old grandma to McDonald's for her birthday. It was their way of saying, 'Grandma, you've lived long enough.'" "Heidi and Spencer are suing NBC for almost killing them on 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.' The rest of America is suing NBC for not finishing the job." Guest David Duchovny said that people are upset about two gay guys getting married, but two straight guys getting married should be OK, so he proposed to Conan.
Jimmy Fallon: "A company is marketing a device to improve your posture by giving you electric shocks when you slump. It's called Your Mother with a Taser."
Craig Ferguson: "Did you see that accident on the Tonys when Brett Michaels got hit with a piece of scenery? He got a busted nose and hairpiece." "Frogs. I'm talking about the animals and not French people, though both are great with garlic." "The tree frog switches between green and gray all the time. It's no big deal. It's like Lindsay Lohan. They say you can lick some frogs and get high. There's only one animal you can lick and get high, Amy Winehouse." Guest Kevin Bacon: "We've all Googled ourselves. We've all masturGoogled." Kevin revealed that his photo is on MenWhoLookLikeOldLesbians.blogspot.com.
David Letterman: "Anybody here see the Tony Awards here on CBS on Sunday? Pretty good chance you're gay. Brett Michaels got hit by some scenery and broke his nose. Last time somebody broke his nose at the Tonys is when two chorus boys got into a fight over Liza Minnelli." "The first detainee from Guantanamo Bay arrives in New York tomorrow to go on trial. His first appearance is at Barnes &Noble to sign his book 'Too Fat to Jihad.'" "In Iran ruler Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in a tight race. Sunday he went on 'Eliminate the Press.'" "We're losing short tiny dictators. If he loses, there's Ahmadinejad. There's Kim Jong Il. And then, of course, New York Mayor Bloomberg." "Sarah Palin's in New York. Yesterday she was up in one of those sightseeing helicopters shooting rats. The hardest part of the visit was keeping Eliot Spitzer away from her daughter." Guest Julia Roberts: "Did your wife take your name?" Dave: "Yes, now she's Dave."
Jon Stewart: Correspondent John Hodgman on solving California's monetary crisis: "We need someone big enough to buy all of California -- the Church of Scientology."
Stephen Colbert in Iraq from June 8: "Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando" "What an honor it is for you to have me here. Iraq, the country so nice we invaded it twice. It's so hot here that when Saddam Hussein got to hell I'm sure he asked for a blanket." Stephen showed a clip of John McCain advising the troops. "Always take time to clean your muskets. I learned that at Valley Forge." Stephen: "I haven't heard anything about Iraq on the news for months. You should probably change the name of your operation to 'Jon & Kate + 130,000.'" "Congratulations to you. You eliminated the weapons of mass destruction." Guest General Ray Odierno told Stephen he should get a military haircut. Stephen: "Without my hair what would I blow-dry? It'll take more than a 4-star general to get me to cut my hair." President Obama appeared on a screen: "If Stephen Colbert wants to play soldier it's time to cut that man's hair," so the general did. Opening of June 9 show: "I've always loved the beach, but I hate the ocean, so this place is perfect."
Conan O'Brien: "President Obama spoke in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Half the crowd had never seen an African American, and the other half had never seen a skinny person." "Donald Duck turns 75 today. At last he's at an age where it's all right to wander around without any pants on." "John Stamos wants to make a 'Full House' movie. The theaters showing it would be empty houses." "The Octomom has apologized to her sperm donor. She should have apologized to her uterus: [echo] 'I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.'"
Jimmy Kimmel showed previews for a new movie "Gay Pride March of the Penguins: Flightless and Fabulous."
Jimmy Fallon: "Whitney Houston is releasing her first album in seven years. When asked what role Bobby Brown played she said, 'Beats me.' The album was just slapped together." "In England the residents of Butthole Road finally got the name changed. They now live on Butthole Circle."
Craig Ferguson: "The only person surprised that Adam Lambert is gay was Ryan Seacrest: 'So that's why he was such a good kisser.'" "South Korea is nice. North Korea is evil. It's like the Dakotas." Guest Dame Edna: "No, Craig, you ARE liked in Scotland. They just think you're a traitor." "Australia's not really far. It's just five or six Ben Stiller movies away. You're never so happy to get off a plane." "I had my late husband's prostate hanging over my head for years. My husband was the first prostate transplant recipient in the Southern Hemisphere." Craig: "Well, where else would you get it?"
David Letterman: "Welcome to 'The Late Show,' a division of Fiat." "They've made Broadway into a pedestrian mall, and for twenty bucks you can ride a mule to the bottom of a pothole." "It's former Governor Eliot Spitzer's birthday, and if you want to get him something you can't go wrong with antibiotics. At his birthday party he had a pi–ata filled with whores." "Have you seen the blockbuster movie 'Hangover?' You wake up and realize you've done something. It happened to me a couple of months ago. I got married." "Sarah Palin is fuming mad at me and called me pathetic because I made jokes about her daughter. [Sarah said he'd made jokes about the rape of a 14-year-old. The jokes weren't about rape, and she's 18.] I haven't been called pathetic -- well, since the honeymoon. I was feeling a little unhappy when she called me pathetic, so to cheer myself up I went out and spent $150,000 on clothes. Just my luck, I pissed off a hunter. Governor, I invite you and Todd to come to New York City at my expense, or maybe leave Todd at home, and come on the show." Guest Kathy Griffin: "Yes, my mother likes a good box of wine."
Chelsea Handler - "Madonna is paying $50,000 to send her boyfriend Jesus to DJ school. Only Madonna wouldn't be satisfied that he's a hot model. He has to have a skill too."
Stephen Colbert: "Soon the people of Iraq will have control of their own cities, which is more than we can say of the people of Detroit."
Conan O'Brien: "Today Chrysler was taken over by Fiat, and the president of Fiat said they'd continue to build on Chrysler's tradition of innovation. Then everybody laughed for three hours straight." "To be more health conscious Krispy Kreme is introducing mini-donuts -- in packs of six hundred." "A billionaire says he paid Paris Hilton to have girl-on-girl sex with a stripper. The billionaire said, "Best $5 I ever spent." Guest Dane Cook: "I'm on the road now, and I accidentally packed the TV remote, so my girlfriend called and asked me to change the channel from a thousand miles away. She said, 'But isn't it a universal remote?'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Scientists have found a mathematical formula to predict the birth of new stars. The hard part is getting the Universe to pee on a stick." "A woman by herself gave birth to a baby in a car stuck in traffic on the Interstate. The good news, then she could use the carpool lane."
Craig Ferguson: "Miss California has been fired. Pageant officials felt she'd better represent the state of California if she were unemployed." "In Scottish cooking gravel is a condiment." Correspondent Tim Meadows: "Men, women, it doesn't matter. We all look the same naked."
David Letterman: "I finally got my Mom to switch to digital. Now if I can just get her to switch from Conan." "Paris Hilton has broken up with her boyfriend, a former minor league baseball player. She's sending him back down and calling up a left-hander. She says he was just using her for publicity. He says no, he was just using her for sex." "The man who invented the salad bar has passed away. They had the funeral today, open casket, with a sneeze guard." "Miss California got herself into a lot of trouble shooting her mouth off -- gosh, I wonder what that's like. Anyway, she's been fired, so she turns in her crown, turns in her sash, and turns in her implants."
Conan O'Brien: "Fiat announced today they're going to use American rather than Italian workers to make Chryslers. They got the idea from Olive Garden." "Virginia is now segregating prisoners who look lesbian. The ACLU says this is definitely discriminatory, and very hot." "This week a 96-year-old man receives his Masters in Philosophy. Next week he'll just kick back and wait for the job offers to roll in." "Hugh Hefner's old girlfriend Kendra is pregnant. It looks good, because she has a lot of experience keeping a wrinkled needy creature alive with just her breasts." Guest Norm Macdonald: "You'd think the best ship would be a solid gold ship, but actually the most valuable ship is friendship." "Andy Richter invited me to a wild Hollywood party, a little drinking, a little fighting, a little fornication. I asked what time I should get there, and he said, 'Anytime. It'll just be the two of us.'" Guest Jim Gaffigan: "I was going to try swimming to lose weight, but have you seen how fat whales are?"
Jimmy Fallon: "A study shows that one in four New York City subway pay phones doesn't work. The worst part is that to learn this someone had to touch at least four subway pay phones." "Paris Hilton and her boyfriend have broken up so they can infect other people." "A new element has been added to the periodic table. It's the heaviest element, Governmentium, which means 'Thigh of Rush Limbaugh.'" "Barry Bonds and his wife are getting a divorce. She caught him injecting another woman."
Craig Ferguson: "You in the studio audience, make yourselves at home. You at home, make yourselves where you are." "Chastity Bono is having a sex change. Cher has already called dibs on the spare parts."
David Letterman: "My son wouldn't go to school today. The other kids are making fun of him because his dad doesn't have a 10 p.m. show." "Donald Trump turns 63 this weekend, but he may not have time to celebrate. He's busy cooking up his next beauty pageant scandal. But I do have a feeling that thing on his head is going to be wearing a party hat." "New York cops ticketed a car day after day for a month. Turns out the owner was inside dead. When New Yorkers heard about it they said, 'Oh yeah? Where's his apartment? Can I see the place?'" Guest Sandra Bullock talked about the nude scene in her new movie: "Of course, the crew had to see it all from behind, so I apologize." Dave: "Whoa! Those might be the very seats you want." Top Ten Questions Congress Is Receiving About The Digital Switchover: Can I still mute "The View"?
Conan O'Brien: "George Bush Senior celebrated his 85th birthday by skydiving with a newsman friend. Fox reported it as 'Liberal media pushes old man out of a plane.'" A clip showed the President skydiving into the mouth of a shark. "A woman in New York City gave birth on a subway platform. It was the third-grossest thing happening on that platform at the moment." "Tonight's the big digital changeover, and a couple million Americans aren't ready. NBC could lose dozens of viewers." "Heidi's announced she's posing for 'Playboy.' And Spencer's posing for 'US Douche & World Report.'" Conan took embarrassing photos of himself, sold them to the tabloids and kept the money." Guest Paris Hilton announced, "There's a new Paris Hilton ride at Universal, and you have to be this big to get in." Conan put out telephones for himself, Andy Richter and Max Weinberg. At 12:01 all three rang, and the men said, "Hi, Mom. Settle down. You just need a digital convertor." Guest Kevin Nealon: "We couldn't afford to baby-proof our house, so we just got a friend drunk and then followed him around the house and fixed anything he got hurt on." "There are a few things you only do once. Tequila hangover. Being fooled by a transsexual. Being fooled by a transvestite."
Jimmy Fallon: "The inventor of the salad bar has died. At his open-casket funeral several mourners went back for a second and third viewing." "Chastity Bono is having a sex-change operation and releasing a new single: 'I Got You, Balls.'"
Craig Ferguson: "Prince needs a double hip replacement. Tonight he's going to party like he's 99." "The Olsen twins are turning 23. They're going to get a big cake and not eat it." "My favorite movie is 'Busty Cops 2: You're Under a Breast.'"
Joel McHale on "The Soup" showed a picture of Miley Cyrus and her older underwear-model boyfriend, announced they'd broken up, and showed the model's twitter about how could he have so many tears. "What company thinks they can sell men's underwear by putting it on a giant pussy?" "Paris Hilton says a naked Borat was originally supposed to land on her rather than Eminem at the MTV Awards, but she turned it down because, 'What would my parents think to see that in front of my face?' They'd probably say, 'Good, she's in focus this time.'" Joel showed a clip of New York on her reality show being sniffed by all these dogs and saying, "Why are all these dogs sniffing at my va-jay-jay?" Joel: "Because they're not picky? Because there's usually a bone in it? Shall I go on?"
Adam Ferrara on Comedy Central: "The Vatican's overdone, isn't it? It's like Graceland with Jesus." "My mother has an oscillating Jesus fan in the living room." "I hate these terrorists who says God wants them to kill people. If God wants somebody dead, that person is dead. God doesn't need your help, so just shut up, you stupid carbon-based life form."
David Letterman: "I'm Dave Letterman, good will ambassador. I got a call from Mom today, and she says she's siding with Governor Palin. Honestly, how many of you are here tonight hoping I'll offend somebody else?" "Times Square is now a pedestrian mall, with four hundred beach chairs. And if you don't get a beach chair, I can lend you a bag of my hate mail, and you can lie on that. Columbus Circle is now harness racing, and the median strip on Park Avenue is used for volleyball." "Trouble with the ballots in the Iranian election. Thousands of Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan. I hope they settle it soon. The last thing we need is unrest in the Middle East. Top Ten Messages On Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Answering Machine: "4. It's Jeb Bush. Those crooked voting machines arrive on time?"
Samantha Bee on "The Daily Show:" "Long Island is only ten miles from New York, or three hours by car."
Conan O'Brien: "Marvel Comics is bringing back Captain America, as soon as they get a loan from Captain China." "Heidi Montag says Al Roker asked her a mean question and made her cry. He asked, 'Are you married to Spencer Pratt?'" "Conan congratulated guest Will Arnett on his trademark deep voice. Will: "Well, I was blessed to start smoking at a young age."
Jimmy Fallon: "The loser in Iran's elections wants a fraud investigation, and if that doesn't work he'll make a documentary on global warming." "Friday was World Naked Bike Riding Day, or as it's known in New York, 'Ooh,'" "Six Flags is learning that you must be this tall to file for bankruptcy."
Craig Ferguson: "It's so cold in Chicago that Dr. Phil's kissing Oprah's ass just to keep warm." "Those two gay German penguins have adopted a baby penguin, which leads to the question, 'There are German penguins?'" "After the Lakers won fans got so rowdy they tipped over Jack Nicholson."
Spike Feresten on Fox: "Would you support gay marriage if it were limited to hot lesbians?"
David Letterman: Opening announcement: "CBS would like to apologize in advance for everyone he insults tonight. He means well. He's just an idiot." Dave: "When I call your name please come forward and pick up your apology. I want to get through this as soon as possible so you people can get to the 'Fire Dave' rally. It's nice that people hate me who are not part of my immediate family. My son is telling everybody at school that his father is Conan." "New York City is at war with Canadian geese that get in jet engines. Mayor Bloomberg is so serious he's called in Dick Cheney." "In Iran everybody's upset about the election and demanding a recount. In the last unofficial recount Al Franken is ahead. A recount is underway. It's what the Octomom has to go through every morning. The Iranian government is denying there are any protests. They say it's just 100,000 citizens enjoying their new pedestrian mall." "The crown in the Statue of Liberty is opening, but it's quite a climb, 168 steps, like an Amy Winehouse rehab program." Top Ten Things Overheard At The "Fire David Letterman" Rally: 9. "Well, it was nice of CBS to provide the catering" 1. "Thanks for coming, Regis"
Conan O'Brien: "John McCain announced he's bought a hybrid car. It has an AM/FM radio." "In Iran journalists are locked up in their hotel rooms with nothing to do but order up dirty movies of women in slacks." "A publisher is turning Wikipedia into a five-thousand-page book. I don't believe it, because I read it on Wikipedia." "Friday in London was Naked Bike Ride Day. Saturday was Sterilize Your Bike Seat Day." "Taking Viagra may help travelers overcome jet lag. And help them return to their original upright position."
Jimmy Kimmel: "I'd like to apologize in advance for any jokes I'm going to make about the Palin family."
Jimmy Fallon: "'Elle Magazine' is saying $400,000 in jewels weren't returned by Lindsay Lohan. It's as though they just vanished into white powder." "You know what they say about a man who owns a giant yacht. He has a small dinghy." "Now that Chastity is having sex change surgery to become Chaz she'll always be able to get a Bono."
Craig Ferguson: "Hugh Hefner now has identical-twin girlfriends and admits he can't tell them apart. He doesn't know who's changing his diaper." "'Cirque du Soleil' is 25. They're one of Canada's biggest exports, along with Canadian bacon, which is just ham, and William Shatner, which is also just ham."
David Letterman: "Yesterday, across the street, we had a 'Fire Dave' rally, with people who actually hate me. At our house we call that Thanksgiving. The CBS store set up a little stand outside, and they were selling highly flammable Dave Letterman effigies." "It's illegal to have protests in Iran, but you see hundreds of thousands of people out in the streets. The government says they're just lining up to see 'The Hangover.'" "John McCain has bought a hybrid car. Actually his first hybrid car was a horse and buggy. This one runs on gasoline and Metamucil." "This guy's been dressing up like his mother to get her Social Security checks. He's not the only guy dressing like his mother. Have you seen Elton John lately? Anyway, this guy was so convincing as an old lady that he actually got hit on by Ashton Kutcher. We'll be right back with more apologies."
Conan O'Brien: "The Lakers' victory parade today caused the biggest traffic jam in L.A. since --yesterday." "Jobs are so scarce that new college graduates are having to volunteer at nonprofits, like Chrysler and GM." "Hugh Hefner says he has trouble telling is twin girlfriends apart. No one has the heart to tell him they're actually matching table lamps." "In a competitive-eating contest the winner ate a five-pound burrito. The loser? Anyone who lives near the winner."
Jimmy Fallon: "Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez and now Sammy Sosa. I'm starting to think steroids work great." "Hugh Hefner admitted he can't tell his twin 19-year-old girlfriends apart. Then he went on to talk about other things no one else can relate to." "'Indiana Jones 5' is in preproduction. So I guess they ARE going to count the last one." "Dick Van Dyke is writing his autobiography. Turns out his real name is Penis Van Lesbian." "Victoria Beckham is having her third breast augmentation surgery. The doctor asked, 'Do you want them bigger, or just bend them like Beckham?'"
Craig Ferguson: "Did you see that White House interview where Obama killed a fly? At least he used his hand. I was at the White House Correspondents Dinner. A fly went by Dick Cheney, and his tongue flicked out ..."
David Letterman: "My family is taking me out to brunch on Fathers Day. I look forward to the picketing. In school my son made me a giant inbox for all my hate mail. If you haven't got Dad anything yet, you can't go wrong with Rush Limbaugh's new book 'Too Fat to Fish.'" "Billy Joel is getting divorced from his third wife He's 60, and she's 27. Naturally she liked to hang out with younger people, like her parents." "A guy in Brooklyn dressed up as his dead mother to cash her Social Security checks. Dressing up as his mother. I stopped that in my 20s. Dressed as an old lady he was so convincing twice he was mistaken for Barry Manilow. Today they offered him a job as one of the 'Desperate Housewives.' Madonna said, 'It's like I have a twin.' If you tune in tomorrow, I'll have more apologies." "Hundreds of thousands of people in the streets in Iran. The government says that's just people lined up to get the new iPhones." "When he heard Hillary Clinton broke her elbow Rush Limbaugh sent over some painkillers." Top Ten Signs Your Caddy Is Nuts: 7. Congratulatory high-five replaced with open mouth kiss. 6. Likes to pick up divots, put them on his head and say, "Welcome to Celebrity Apprentice." 5. Pimped golf cart to hop up and down.
Chelsea Handler: "I hate it when people ask if I want to 'make love.' Listen, I'll turn around; you do what you want." "This actress on 'The Hills' is on the cover of this magazine saying the show made her bulimic." Panelist Ken: ""The Hills' makes me puke too, but I don't get to be on a cover."
Jon Stewart: Gov. Mike Huckabee was on before. We debated gay marriage and agreed to disagree." Mike Huckabee: "I turned you down."
Stephen Colbert honored the wife and 93 kids of the fly President Obama swatted. "And now he has 2,359 grandchildren."
Conan O'Brien: "Ashton Kutcher is asking the government not to interfere in Iran. Obama said he'd get back to him as soon as he had time to consult with the Jonas Brothers." "PETA's mad at Obama for killing that fly. And today Joe Biden was talking, and a fly took its own life." "NSA is in trouble for having illegally tapped into Bill Clinton's e-mail. In their defense they said they had no idea BigWilly69 was the President." "Paris Hilton is filming the new season of her reality show in Dubai. The title is 'Why They Hate Us.'" "Eight defendants are being charged with uploading the rules of 'Dungeons & Dragons.' If they're found guilty they'll each be sentenced to spend an hour alone with a girl." "More scandal, that guy who dressed up as his dead mother to collect her Social Security checks used the money to stage lesbian bum fights."
Jimmy Kimmel: "PETA is upset that President Obama killed a fly. As a gesture of goodwill the White House has moved the fly's family to the Rose Garden and is letting them feed on Bo's droppings. This reminds me of when Bush killed a worm with his tricycle."
Jimmy Fallon: "Today George W. Bush blasted President Obama's policies and then spent twenty minutes chasing a fly." "New York subway riders who don't give up their seats to the elderly and disabled will start going to jail, where they'll definitely give up their seats."
Craig Ferguson: "Hillary Clinton's elbow is the worst break of a Secretary of State since Madeline Albright broke my heart. Call me, Mad Dog. They had to use the jaws of life to cut Hillary out of her pants suit. I once broke my collarbone and three ribs. Fabio was stronger than I thought. He couldn't believe I wasn't butter, and I WAS butter when he got through with me." An e-mail asked Craig if he knew there was a drawing of a penis on the bottom of his trademark rattlesnake coffee mug. He looked, and there wasn't, so he drew one. Guest David Feldman: "I'm married. Sorry, fellows." "When somebody cuts you off in traffic don't give them the finger. Follow them home and put a bumper sticker on their car that says 'Registered Sex Offender.'"
David Letterman: "New York is full of foreigners asking for directions, and that's just the cab drivers." "Sunday is the summer solstice, which is the longest day of the year, if you don't count Thanksgiving with your family." "Next week is Gay Pride Week in New York. Liza Minnelli will be out husband hunting. I love Gay Pride Week. Where else can you see three hundred guys dressed as Sarah Palin." "I got a weird call from my Mom this morning. 'David, don't forget to send a Father's Day card to Larry King.'" Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Kids On Father's Day: 9. "Father? We always kind of assumed you were our mother." 6. "It's not just a nose hair trimmer, it's a nose and ear hair trimmer."
Conan O'Brien: "China is working with Google to suppress porn sites. They say exploitation of young women is reprehensible, outside of factories." "We have the world's oldest woman, 115. But since she lives in L.A. she's claiming 108." "Montreal had a big fire in a sex club. It was especially dangerous because there was so much wood in the room." "O.J.'s last ex-girlfriend has written a book. She claims he forced her out of the car twelve miles from home. She said, 'That was when I realized he didn't love me enough to kill me.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Bo Obama had his official portrait taken today." Jimmy showed a picture of Bo humping another dog. "It's based on Bill Clinton's official portrait."
Jimmy Fallon: "GM will cease producing the Pontiac Vibe. The reason? Bad Vibes." "Sunday is Naked Hiking Day. Monday is I Didn't Know You Could Get Poison Ivy There Day." "Coney Island is having its annual Mermaid Parade. The worst job is cleaning up the mermaid poop." Craig Ferguson: "A female bus driver in England was fired for being a porn star. Passengers said it was the ride of their lives." "In 'The Proposal' Sandra Bullock plays a book executive, and Ryan Reynolds plays a pair of rock-hard abs."
Zach Galifianakis on Comedy Central: "At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted?" "I want to open a crossdressing bar and call it Susan Be Anthony."
Nick Thume on Comedy Central: "My roommate walked in on me while I was masturbating. I said that wrong. I walked into my roommate while I was masturbating."
Tommy Johnagin on Comedy Central: "If you have a successful marriage one of you eventually gets to watch the other die." "My sister got knocked up and wailed, 'Now I have to get married!' That's like, 'Something bad happened. Quick, make it worse.'" "Usher is the least desirable position in the wedding, except for groom." "The stripper at my bachelor party was really ugly. She said, 'Hey, cutie, what should I take off next?' I said, 'I don't know, my glasses?'" "My dad gave me a stamp collection for my last birthday. I said, 'Did you buy it, or are these the stamps you didn't use for mailing child support?'"
David Letterman: "For Father's Day my son made me a beautiful card: 'To the World's Oldest Dad.' I asked him what it's like being my son, and he said, 'Well, it's the hand I was dealt.' He's good at math. We were at brunch, and he said, 'Dad, that's your fourth Bloody Mary.'" "Like I have to tell this crowd, it's Gay Pride Week in New York. Isn't every week? Every year I twist my ankle falling off my high heels." "Steve Jobs, the Apple guy, got a new liver. This one's smaller, faster, and holds 10,000 enzymes. By September there'll be a new model that'll make that one obsolete." "In England they've found traces of Prozac in the drinking water. Luckily the British seem to be taking the news pretty well." "The oldest man in the world, 113, has died. Don't worry, he'll continue to host 'Larry King Live.' And congratulations to the new oldest man, Regis." "Hillary Clinton hasn't recovered yet from her busted elbow. She's still having to wear her orthopedic pants suit." Guest Andy Kindler: "My Mom's turning 80, but she's always been with it. 'Andy, you left the phone OFF THE HOOK. Andy, your friends are IN THE HOUSE.'"
Stephen Colbert: "Summer is in full swing. Summer, I suggest a jock strap." "Thanks to Zicam I've lost my sense of smell. Summer in New York, and I'm blissfully unaware of which subway seats are urine soaked; my milk is always fresh, and I'll never again ask who dealt it."
Conan O'Brien: "To disperse the crowds the Iranian government used tear gas, stun guns, and NBC's weeknight lineup." "Ford, Chrysler and GM have greatly reduced customer complaints -- by greatly reducing the number of customers." "Lindsay Lohan and Ryan Seacrest are teaming up to do a reality show. One has confusion about sexual preference, and the other is Lindsay Lohan." "In baseball news, a 103-year-old man threw out the first pitch today. Unfortunately his arm went with it." "After 34 years a San Francisco man has completed a sculpture of the city made entirely of toothpicks. Next will be a statue of a man wasting his life." "Dunkin' Donuts has written an iPhone app for its customer to use in ordering. Unfortunately, most of their customers' fingers are too fat to use it." "'Jon & Kate + 8' will have a big announcement tonight, and from their commercial I suspect it's more serious than divorce." He ran a commercial which showed them driving off with three of the kids left on the curb, and the words, "Next week, 'Jon & Kate + 5.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Hillary Clinton broke her elbow, but doctors say she'll still be able to use the other arm to point and crazy smile at people." "Steve Jobs had a liver transplant, but they always come up with a better one three months later." "Lindsay Lohan is starting a reality show where she'll give $1,000,000 to the contestant most in need of a fresh start. This will be the first show where the host is also the winner."
Craig Ferguson: "The man who invented the Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed has died at 92. He ran out of quarters. The whole industry is shaken. I lost my virginity on one of their beds. To be honest, I lost my virginity TO one of their beds. Actually, I can get the same feeling leaning against a washing machine, which is why they've banned me from the laundromat." Craig was making fun of the Amish and saying he was safe because they don't watch TV. "Wait, is that hooves outside the studio?"
David Letterman: "Did you know it's Gay Pride Week in New York? If you didn't know, you can sure tell by looking at this crowd. This year there's a silent auction. The highest bidder gets Liza Minnelli. Sunday is the big Gay Pride Parade. I'm going as Clay Aiken's mother." "They arrested this guy in a laundromat, in a dryer, going around and around, drunk, and naked. Who has more fun than that David Hasselhoff?" "The government has imposed a curfew in Iran. I hope that doesn't shut down the swinging Iranian nightlife." "Jon & Kate are getting a divorce, so the new show will be 'Jon & Kate + 8 Lawyers. Divorce is always upsetting, especially when there's a TV show involved. To make a marriage last you have to work at it, and that's how I've managed to stay married for three months." "The governor of South Carolina disappeared. He says he just wanted some time to himself to clear his head. You see, we never had that head-clearing problem with Bush." "Here's a big story. Yesterday there was an earthquake in Alaska." Then Dave just stood there and looked uncomfortable for almost a minute. "I'm almost afraid to say anything."
Jon Stewart: "The governor of South Carolina has been missing since Thursday, and he's said to be hiking the Appalachian Trail. He even missed Father's Day with his four sons. What could have prompted him ..." Then showed an announcement that Sunday was also Nude Hiking Day.
Conan O'Brien: "Jon & Kate are divorcing. Yes, fellows, the nagging chick with the eight kids is available. She's a good mom. She told each kid it was only one-eighth their fault." "Manny Ramirez is back after his fifty-game suspension for taking female hormones. He's playing with the Triple-A Albuquerque Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." "The Navy has dispatched the destroyer USS John McCain to deal with the North Korean ship carrying illegal weapons. Well, they didn't so much dispatch it as it just sort of wandered off." "A Chinese man has discovered his wife is a man after three years of marriage. His friends all agreed the man wasn't a detail guy."
Jimmy Fallon: "Jon & Kate have filed for divorce. I'm not sure who gets the kids, though Madonna's called twice. Obviously this is the first time Jon's pulled out of anything."
Craig Ferguson: "MySpace has laid off 60% of its work force. It notified them with posts on their Facebook pages." "I don't know if I like this Susan Boyle coming here. America already has a middle-aged Scottish person in a dress. The difference is, I've kissed a man."
David Letterman: "Gay Pride Week in New York. All over the city, gay are couples dressed up as Jon and Kate. Do you think it's too early to hit on Kate? For Gay Pride the Statue of Liberty is dressed in a flannel shirt and hiking boots."
"Sunday's the big Gay Pride Parade. It starts on 12th Street, and ends at Harvey Fierstein house." "Up until a couple of weeks ago Bernie Madoff was the most hated man in America. And then I had my troubles with the Governor of Alaska." "Phil Spector's in prison for murder and he's asked for an iPod and a computer. He wants to see if he has any responses from eHarmony.com." "South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. Then he said he was in South America. Now he says he woke up in Las Vegas with a hangover, a tiger and a baby." "Dick Cheney's written a memoir of his life, a thousand pages. You can actually use it to stand on to reach a better book. A thousand-page book. Talk about your torture." "A woman in Oklahoma was in a grocery store and tried to trade sex for potato chips. Well, who hasn't? Talk about your Frito-Lay." Guest Ray Romano said his phone was vibrating in his pants pocket, but it turned out his phone wasn't even in his pocket. Dave: "Some would say you're a very lucky man." Top Ten Governor Mark Sanford Excuses: 10. Did I say hiking? I meant cheating. 9. Had to do something after devastating news about Jon and Kate. 8. I learned everything I know from Governor Spitzer. 6. I learned everything I know from Governor McGreevey. 1. It wasn't me, it was my hilarious alter ego, Bruno.
Jon Stewart showed a clip of President Obama getting tough with a reporter at his press conference. Jon (imitating the President): "Now, if you'll excuse me, sir, I have an appointment to go f*** your mother." Jon to Kim Jong Il on his plan to bomb Hawaii on the 4th of July. "That's like being a drag queen on Halloween." Guest Reza Aslan says Iran will either become another North Korea or another China. Jon: "Hey, can't a brother get a Belgium?"
Stephen Colbert: "Tonight I investigate the world of sports. I hope it's wearing a cup."
Conan O'Brien: "The Governor of South Carolina admitted he's been having an affair with an Argentinean woman. This is very surprising. Usually Republicans don't do well with Hispanic women." "Dick Cheney has signed a deal to write his memoirs. Spoiler alert, it ends with him killing Obi Wan Kenobi." "After taking female hormones, Manny Ramirez has returned to Triple-A baseball, and he's losing! But to be fair, it IS that time of the month." "A woman threw a pot of chili at intruders. It didn't burn them, but it did give them a crippling case of diarrhea." "Prius has come out with a hearse. It's the perfect way to tell your friends you're better than them, even from beyond the grave." "A woman was arrested for breast feeding her baby while she was drunk. The baby started calling up all its old girlfriends." Conan's Tabloid moment. He takes embarrassing photos of himself, sells them to the tabloids, and keeps the money. This time he was getting rid of a body while drunk, with Tom Cruise watching. And the corpse was The Fonz.
Jimmy Kimmel: "'Jon & Kate + 8' scored record ratings for its breakup show. America loves a divorce. Now Kate will be the next Bachelorette." "You have to have snuck out of the Governor's mansion and holed up with your mistress in Argentina not to have heard about Jon and Kate." "I think North Korea would be friendlier to us if we started calling them NoKo." Jimmy dressed as an ape for a skit. "They put prosthetics in my cheeks and, well, actually, shaved some of my body hair to make it look more like a real monkey."
Jimmy Fallon: "For Father's Day the Governor of South Carolina's kids gave him a 'World's Biggest Douchebag' mug."
Craig Ferguson: "A politician who's always banging on about family values has been caught banging on. A spokesperson had said the Governor of South Carolina was on the Appalachian Trail. I guess he'd heard it was Nude Hiking Day and said, 'That must be where he is.' And he was having an affair with a woman in Argentina. Are we even outsourcing our mistresses? At least his wife wasn't at his side at his press conference. Good for her. I wonder if those wives wonder about what they should wear to be on TV. They should show up with an 'I'm With Stupid' T-shirt. We have a photo of the Governor's mistress, and, really, who can blame him." Craig showed a picture of Antonio Banderas. "You know, I just realized the most normal governor in the country has been Jesse 'The Body' Ventura."
David Letterman: "Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen, or as the Governor of South Carolina would say,
'gracias.'" "I just saw Megan Fox
backstage, and it was weird. I had to explain to her that I'm married.
I think I have a shot at Megan Fox. Yeah, like I have a shot at the 10
p.m. spot." "Now there are going to be ten movies instead of five
for the Best Picture Oscar. And they're expanding the Dead Actor
Montage. They'll include you even if you're just sick. Over the years
the Academy has made big changes. For instance they've completely
eliminated me." "In Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had a victory party, and
he was very humble about it. He thanked the 148% of the electorate who
voted for him. He's been keeping a very low profile. His staff said he
was hiking. You heard about the Governor of South Carolina. He was
missing, and his staff said he was hiking. Turns out he was in
Argentina sleeping with a woman. Once more, foreigners taking jobs
Americans won't do. It's a horrible situation, but I have to say, it
was nice seeing somebody else having to apologize on TV. I've been
wondering why all these Republicans are having this kind of problem. I
think it all started with Bob Dole doing those commercials for Viagra."
Guest Johnny Depp: "I see little boys lining up to date my 10-year-old
daughter, and I fear for them."
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Governor Mark Sanford: 9. Promised his wife he'd be faithful within the 48 contiguous states. 8. On Facebook, lists his relationship status as "It's complicated." 7. Becoming disgraced governor ruined his dream of becoming disgraced President. 5. Was sick and tired of Eliot Spitzer holding title "Love Gov." 4. Often gets fan mail intended for Redd Foxx. 2. Made it safe for me to joke about Republican governors again. 1. Entered politics because he enjoyed polling.
Stephen Colbert: "Obama campaigned against the Defense of Marriage Act. Now he's for it. I guess he swings both ways." "Here's a clip of an exorcism trying to cure a gay teen. I'm all for that. But now there's a gay demon on the loose, a poltergayst."
Conan O'Brien: "Governor Mark Sanford may have broken the law by leaving the country without transferring power to the Lt. Governor. He broke the bros before hos rule." "The #1 NBA draft choice Mark Griffin says he's always dreamed of playing pro basketball, but he'll also enjoy playing for the Clippers." "Apple has released an app to get porn on your iPhone. No longer will masturbating while talking on the phone require two separate devices." Guest Bruno in gay outfit: "I was so afraid we'd be wearing the same thing." "I was the first Austrian to get bulimia." Bruno was arrested in Milan careening around in a Velcro suit that was sticking to everything. "Normally when twelve guys in uniforms take me away it's a birthday treat." A clip from "Bruno" showed him outraging an African-American audience with a black baby in a "Gaybaby" tee, saying he'd swapped an iPod for the child.
Jimmy Kimmel: "Poor Farrah Fawcett. What a day to pass away." "Fox news identified the South Carolina Governor as a Democrat. Also identified as a Democrat were Jon Gosselin and the last big tornado." Jimmy showed a clip of the new season of MTV's "Real World." Someone asked, "Who's gay?" and one guy said he was. Another guy went, "We've got a gay guy! Yeah!" Jimmy: "After a few beers I think they'll have two gay guys."
Jimmy Fallon: "Martina Navratilova wife is suing her for dumping her after seven years. Women. Am I right, ladies?" "Apple has approved the first soft-core porn app for the iPhone. They're planning something similar for the Palm."
Craig Ferguson: "It's National Catfish Day." He showed a photo of the largest one ever caught, about four hundred pounds. "That's like an anchovy on Drew Carey's pizza. It took me a long time to learn fishing, because every time I see a pole I start dancing around it."
David Letterman: "I'm Dave Letterman, gradually working my way back into your hearts." "So hot today former Governor Eliot Spitzer spent an extra $10 for an oscillating hooker." "Gay Pride Week in New York. Tomorrow a group of interior decorators will hijack Pelham 123 and completely redecorate it." "Fourth of July is coming up. The big concern is illegal fireworks, but enough about North Korea. I won't be celebrating Independence Day, now that I'm married. The Letterman barbecue on the 4th of July is like an Iranian election with cole slaw." "The world's oldest man passed away at 113. What made it really sad, he'd just switched from analog to digital. Then they interviewed the new oldest man and asked him his secret to longevity, and he said, 'Youthful co-hosts.'" "My favorite scene in 'Transformers' is when Chastity Bono turns into a man." Guest Martin Short: "The last time I was here you had a little of that Susan Boyle bloat, but tonight you look fantastic. Is it the Manliner?" To audience: "And Dave is such a wonderful man. When he takes you to a restaurant, not only does he know the waitresses, they're all named Doll Face." Martin was just back from Australia where his show was entitled "Stroke Me, Lady Fame." "I met my first koala. Delicious. The Australians are a heavyset people. When a Great White Shark attacks, it can't finish them. It's called the land Down Under, and it has the Outback. It's like a first date with Paris Hilton." "We celebrities have it great." To audience: "My rock bottom is still better than your wildest dream."
Conan O'Brien: "South Carolina's Governor went out of the country to see his mistress. It's one thing to cheat on your wife. It's another to cheat on Uncle Sam. His office had said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, so they're trying to cash in on the publicity by advertising it as an adulterous governor's paradise. 'Where governors can get some tail on the side.'" "There are 65 GM cars in 'Transformers 2.' There will be even more GM cars in 'Transformers 3: The Revenge of the Lemons.'" "Apple pulled the first iPhone porno app, which is what the guys using it also did." "A Tennessee man and woman got into a fight with Cheetos. What's notable is that Tennessee police already had a code for that." Conan showed a clip of Nick Jonas testifying in Congress about diabetes research and had hearts fluttering from the chests of the Senators. "There's a new home for elderly gay people. 'We're here; we're queer, and we can't hear a word you're saying.'" In the Year 3000 segment: "Heidi and Spencer announce they've given birth to a beautiful baby douche. There's a new reality show: 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Paris Hilton.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "It's Take Your Dog to Work Day, or as blind people call it, every day." HBO Has a new show "Hung," about a man who is, but Jimmy showed a fake promo for the show featuring "American Idol" contestant William Hung.
Jimmy Fallon: "Apple has stopped offering its iPhone porn app. Now where are people going to find porn on the internet?" "'Transformers' has already taken in $70 million. At last somebody found a way to make money with American cars." "A man is flying a solar-powered plane around the world and says he hopes he doesn't run into anything bad. Like night." "Police stopped a hearse and found a hundred pounds of pot in the coffin. The driver said he hadn't planned to bury it, but to cremate it, an ounce at a time."
Craig Ferguson: "Dick Cheney has a memoir that's going to be published by Satan & Schuster, though Schuster's not really involved." "Researchers say going naked a few hours a day is good for the environment. Don't tell Al Gore." "The new 'Transformers' movie is full of explosions and testosterone. The last time I saw a movie like that I was in a motel. It was called 'Tranny Farmers,' and I accidentally rented it twelve times."
Ellen DeGeneres promo for her TBS special: "I scoured the world to find these acts for you. Actually, I looked at a condo in Cabo. We may buy it."
John Pinette, overweight comic on TBS: "This lady asked me if I ate too much gluten. I had to reply, 'I don't know what it is, but yes.' Have you tried gluten-free bread? It needs gluten. I don't know what gluten is, but evidently it's delicious. I thank God every day for delicious gluten."
Martin Short on TBS: "I hope you've learned tonight, it's better to have loved a Short than never to have loved a Tall."
Kevin Nealon TBS special on funny commercials. One had a lot of people asking, "What's that taste in my mouth?" Announcer: "That's the taste of the future, Naturally Blonde Beer." Another had a nude young woman in front of her door. The mailman stoops down and looks through the letter slot: "Hey, Curly, is your mother home?" See www.veryfunnyads.com.
Mike Birbiglia on Comedy Central: "At least with Fox you KNOW it isn't true."
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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.
What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all? Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007
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