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Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Saturday Night, June 2
Sarah Silverman to Jack Nicholson at
the MTV Movie Awards: "You've been in every one of my favorite
actresses." With Paris Hilton in the audience: "To make Paris feel
at home the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises.
I'm just afraid she's going to break her teeth on those things."
"The title 300 comes from, 'How gay is this movie on a scale of 1 to 10?'"
Sunday Night, June 3
Larry the Cable Guy: "If you're in the
gay mafia and get whacked, is that good or bad?" And, "I don't need
Viagra, knock on wood." Also, "If John Wayne had seen gay cowboys
he'd have had patches over both eyes."
Monday Night, June 4
Jon Stewart: "Only three of the
Democratic hopefuls have vaginas."
Jay Leno: "Paris Hilton is now in jail. On her first day, they did something called a booty check. Paris Hilton calls it a first date."
"The FDA has approved a pill that stops a woman's cycle and prevents PMS. This could be the end of The View as we know it."
"California is going to have gay conjugal visits, or as it used to be called, lights out."
"That 60-year-old woman who had twins is going to breast feed them on powdered milk."
"Lindsay Lohan was arrested for crashing her car into some bushes. Luckily, George Michael, who was having sex in the bushes, wasn't hurt."
Headlines: "20 nude dancers, completely renovated." In high school yearbook: "When she isn't cheerleading, she's flirting with your boyfriend." "All you can eat escort service." "Police received a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. It turned out to be a burrito."
Dave Letterman: "Speaking of the Yankees, they brought back Roger Clemens to pitch for them, and he was training trying to get himself in shape throwing minor league ball. You know Roger Clemens is like my age. He was supposed to start tonight, but he was delayed because of a groin injury. And I'm thinking, 'Well, nice going Paris.'”
Conan O'Brien: "During last night's Democratic debate, all the candidates said if they were elected, they would get rid of the military's 'don't ask, don't tell policy' for gay soldiers. 'Don't ask, don't tell' would be replaced by a new policy, Don't tell me you're wearing those boots with that gun.'”
"After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on Larry King Live. When Kevorkian saw Larry King he said, 'I swear, he was like that when I got here.'”
"Wolverine and Cyclops are to X-Men as Max Weinberg's escorts are to ex-men."
Guest Paul Rudd's favorite gay porno titles: Tastes Like Chicken and Everybody Does Raymond."
Craig Ferguson: "Paris Hilton went to jail early, because Monday is meat loaf night."
Tuesday Night, June 5
Jay Leno: "It's now been 48 hours that
Paris Hilton's been in jail — which sets a new L.A. record for the
longest time a celebrity has ever spent in prison."
Dave Letterman: "Paris said, 'Don't worry about me. I can do 23 days standing on my head.' And if you've seen any of her videos . . ."
Wednesday Night, June 6
John Oliver on The Daily Show: "All ten Republican candidates love Jesus. They're just not so sure about Hey-zuse."
Jay Leno: "Here's an amazing story. A welder who lost his wallet in 1970 got it back after 37 years with everything still inside it: the guy's money, his credit cards, even his condom is still in the wallet. An employee at the university recognized John Mitchell by some of the pictures inside and called Mitchell's son. A son he wouldn't have had, had he not lost the wallet with the condom in it 37 years ago."
"It's the first time Paris has ever spent three nights in the same bed."
Dave Letterman: "Paris Hilton has been in jail for three days. They're already making a movie about it The Bird Brain of Alcatraz.”
"I don't think Paris is doing well in prison. She seemed distant at last night's conjugal."
Craig Ferguson: "There's a man suing the maker of an energy drink, claiming the drink gave him an endless erection. This means you can sue people who have that kind of effect on you. See you in court, Orlando Bloom. I'm not gay, but he's gorgeous"!
It's always the same with new inventions. I can remember when calculators came out. We weren't allowed to use calculators in school. The teachers would say, "Calculators prevent you from learning arithmetic.” I’d say, "I'm going into show business.” "Well, you'll need arithmetic to count your crushed dreams.”
Jimmy Kimmel: "A lot people make fun of Los Angeles. They say we have no soul; we're always in the tanning booth. Meanwhile, I don't see any other city throwing Paris Hilton in jail. She's having trouble, though. She's not used to sleeping without a video camera on her."
Thursday Night, June 7
David Spade: "Paris misses her cell
phone most. Ironically, she's in an actual cell, staring all day at
five full bars."
Daily Show title for Paris story: "Shaw Skank Redemption."
Jon Stewart on the 2012 Olympic logo. "It looks like a slot machine going down on a stop sign."
Jay Leno: "Paris was released. The people in jail couldn't stand her either. Believe me, this isn't the first premature release she's had a hand in."
"Phil Spector may have taken Viagra on the night in question. A guy who couldn't get his gun to go off is in trouble because his gun went off. Would you call him a hardened criminal?"
"You know who's taking over for Bob Barker? Conan O'Brien."
Dave Letterman: "Paris was released for medical reasons. She gave notes from several doctors: Dr. Jackson, Dr. Grant, Dr. Franklin . . . You know what Paris's ankle bracelet is going to mean for me, a lot of nasty scratches on my back."
Guest Amy Sedaris wanted Dave to invite her to stay at his house. "And what if some night I want to watch Leno?"
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday Bob Barker taped his final episode of The Price Is Right. Experts say it's a sad day for television, but a great day for pets who want to keep their testicles."
Craig Ferguson: "Paris has been liberated. Take that, Fritz! It's part of California's catch and release program. She still has a lot of fans. Paris-ites, I think they are called. Or maybe Parisians. Or my little name for them: morons."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Can you blame Paris for cracking up? She had to spend two days alone with Paris Hilton."
Joel McHale on The Soup, re Kathy Griffin's parents frequenting Rage, a gay bar, for the cheap food and drinks: "The glory bowl of hot wings are great." Also: "What's Trump steak made of? Rosie!"
Jay Leno: "Paris Hilton is back in jail. Your cards and letters did have an effect." The police went to her house and yelled, 'Come out with your legs up!'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Poor Paris. Hundreds of cameras pointed at her in the police car and no way to take her clothes off. Who has a better chance of surviving this weekend, Tony Soprano or Paris Hilton?"
Friday Night, June 8
Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham has a new gay superhero character: "And when he flies his butt whistles." Also, "If you want to meet people, go to a sexual compulsives support group."
Sunday, June 10
Conan O'Brien sent Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to the Tonys. Triumph carried the Gaydar 4000, which can identify up to 2,750 gays. It suddenly blew up, and Triumph looked at the tag: "Not to be used at the Tonys." Angela Lansbury walked by, and Triumph announced, "Look, it's Winston Churchill." Abe Vigoda was late. "His hearse was stuck in traffic."
Monday Night, June 11
Two & 1/2 Men:
Date: "Are you sure you're not gay?" Alan: "No, I'm literate and
urbane; you're not the first to be confused."
Jon Stewart on The Daily Show: "The Albanians hug Bush, ruffle his hair. We're not even allowed to ask him questions." And the title on Bush calling the Pope "Sir" instead of "Your Holiness" was "Ordinary Papal." Correspondent Jason Jones pointed out that Bush and the Pope are both infallible. Correspondent John Hodgman: "I'm trained in all the martial arts. And the martial crafts." Guest David Steinberg quoted Dick Shawn on Milton Berle's famously huge member: "I actually got to see it in the steam room at the Friars Club. I thought Milton was there with his son." Jon pointed out that David got famous just as the sexual revolution broke, while Jon got famous just as AIDS broke.
Jay Leno: "It was crazy in West Hollywood yesterday. Gay pride parade and the Tony Awards on the same night. Let me tell you something. If Liza Minnelli couldn't find a husband yesterday, it's not going to happen." Also, "They met in the Papal Library. It was Bush's fourth meeting with a Pope and his first visit to a library." And, "The Sopranos finale? More guys were whacking each other at the Tonys." And, "A man is suing a pep drink company for an erection that won't go away, otherwise known as high school." Headlines: ad for "Mom's Pasties." Headline: "John Doe has identity stolen." In a news story: "The man worked at a TV station in West Vagina." Grocery ad for "jumbo seedless elves."
Craig Ferguson: "I didn't march in the Gay Pride parade, but I was curious, so I stood by. I was by curious."
Dave Letterman: "David Hasselhoff won a Tony for best musical on a floor." Also, "Bush and the Pope discussed current events and then caught a matinee of Knocked Up."
Tuesday Night, June 12
Jay Leno: "It costs ten times more that the average prisoner to keep Paris in jail. And worth every penny."
Conan O'Brien: "President Bush has been busy. While in Albania, he was mobbed by adoring, cheering crowds. Bush was overheard saying, 'I wonder who they're mixing me up with?'”
"The Pentagon tried to develop a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. It would lead to victories for the U.S. and higher ratings for the Tony Awards."
Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy always ends his show with, "Our apologies to Matt Damon. We ran out of time." Jimmy's girlfriend Sarah Silverman also ended the MTV Movie Awards the same way. Then Jimmy sent his sidekick Guillermo to the Oceans 13 premiere. When Matt Damon came over, Guillermo said, "I'm sorry, Matt Damon, we're out of time."
Wednesday Night, June 13
The Daily Show's Larry
Wilmore said Mexican is the new gay.
Jay Leno: "It's illegal now in Alabama for a teacher to have sex with a student. It's three tykes and you're out."
Dave Letterman: "This just in: Al-Qaida is claiming credit for the vague ending to The Sopranos.”
Thursday Night, June 14
David Spade on The Showbiz Show:
"Paris Hilton's unspecified medical condition is RVS, restless vagina
syndrome." David showed a picture of Ricky Martin on a float:
"Ricky Martin was chosen king of the Gay Pride Parade in New York.
What? The Puerto Rican Day Parade? Are you sure? Have you seen the
photos?" Guest Dennis Miller isn't sure about global warming:
"Excuse me for not trusting temperature readings from 1906."
Jay Leno: "The Pentagon was trying to develop a gay bomb to turn the Iraq war into a musical. Talk about a troop surge!"
Dave Letterman: "There's talk that President Bush's watch was stolen off his wrist in Albania. If it's true, he'd be the first American President to be robbed since, well, Al Gore."
Friday, June 15
Jay Leno: "The D.A. in the Duke lacrosse
case has been forced to resign. At least we know where to get a
stripper for his going away party." Also, "Alabama just passed a law
to ban teachers from having sex with students. Opponents say the law
could put an end to home schooling in Alabama."
Dave Letterman: "Scientists predict that by 2025 kangaroos will have developed an additional pouch for their iPods." Also, "Rosie O'Donnell once got into a feud with herself."
Jimmy Kimmel: "There's a plague of cicadas in the Midwest. They're incredibly loud. They're the Rosie O'Donnell of the insect world." Guest Jeffrey Ross wants to cross Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader with To Catch a Predator. Jeffrey also remarked that on America's Got Talent they told a guy he was too fat to be even fat Elvis. "Elvis is rolling over in his gravy."
Craig Ferguson: "Barbara Walters told Paris she knows what it's like to be surrounded by bitches who'd stab you in the back." Also, "Fantastic 4 opens today, and The Thing gets married. I guess to Miss Thing. The Nancy Drew movie also opened today. That's the one I'll be seeing. Nancy Drew is a spunky teenager who fights crime and wears a miniskirt. I went through a phase like that.”
Conan O'Brien: "Before she went to jail Paris Hilton consulted Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon, but he told her, 'There's nothing I can do for you. You're already a white lady.'"
Sunday, June 17
|Daniel Tosh, Completely
Serious on Comedy Central: "Is the parade over? I've got to go home
and wash the gay off me. And it's sticky." "Plastic surgery lets your
outside look like your inside, fake." To a geek: "You can explain how
Superman could fly faster, and I'll tell you what a vagina feels like."
To a paralyzed football player. "Don't worry about your endorsements.
Maybe V-8 will sponsor a vegetable."
"Why do you shave your pubes?" "What are you doing in my bathroom?"
"If my Granddad wanted a little boy to tickle his balls, he was going to get it. Remember, he shed blood for this country. He earned it."
"I'm not going to smoke marijuana anymore because I'm no longer in the 7th grade, and I have things to do. Grow up. Take some coke."
"I'm for gay marriage, just to have a man around the house. We'll finally get some stuff done."
"The Asian version involves a pinkie up the ass, and I don't like it. I do, but I'm not going to admit it onstage. I'm not an open book."
Monday Night, June 18
Jay Leno: "In the Russian space station
the system that controls oxygen manufacture had been down for two days.
And you know what happens when astronauts don't get enough oxygen. They
drive 900 miles in a diaper to kidnap other astronauts."
"Paris was transferred back to regular jail. The psychiatrist said she was slutty but stable."
"A study found 30% of Cubans are overweight. The other 70% are still in Cuba. Another study says women with good relations with their fathers will pick a mate who resembles him. It's certainly true of Woody Allen's daughter."
Headlines: Ad for "boneless skinless Amish breasts." News item: "The Connecticut Gay Men's Chorus will sing 'You're the Cream in My Coffee.'" Ad for adult diaper rentals.
Craig Ferguson: "The Russian space station computer crashed. This is terrible. They have no way to download porn when they want to be astronaughty."
On Conan O'Brien's feature where they merge two celebrity photos to see what their child would look like, he did two hot-dog-eating champions. "What if these two male wiener swallowers got it on?" The baby was Clay Aiken.
Craig Ferguson: "Should Sharon Osbourne really be a judge on a talent show? Remember, she judged Ozzy Osbourne good husband material."
Conan O'Brien: "Bob Barker retired last Friday. He has endorsed Rosie O’Donnell to become the host of The Price Is Right. If she takes the job, Rosie will end each show by saying, 'Please remember to spay or neuter Donald Trump.'”
Tuesday Night, June 19
Craig Ferguson: "Great day for Hillary
Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion.
Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She's a singer best known for
doing a song based on a sinking ship." Also, "Now there's a judge in
Oklahoma who's accused of being naked under the robes while court was
in session. Not only that, he was wearing what's known as a 'general
enhancement' device. It's just an accusation. I'm sure it won't stand
up in court."
Angelina Jolie had said that Brad Pitt gets her to open up and talk when they're in the bathtub together. At the Ocean's 13 premiere Matt Damon confirmed, "I noticed that with Brad also. Yeah, when we get in the tub, he wants to talk. It's like, I just want to soak."
Charles Haughey, 3-time Prime Minister of Ireland, who died on June 13, 2006: "Deep down I'm a very shallow person."
Wednesday Night, June 20
Conan O'Brien: "Jail officials in
England found a cell phone hidden in a prisoner's rear end. Prison
officials became suspicious when they heard the inmate saying, 'I'm
gonna lose you. My cell phone's about to go into a tunnel.'”
Stephen Colbert to Mayor Bloomberg: "You can't just choose to be independent. It's not like being gay."
Jay Leno: "The Vatican left out the 11th commandment for driving: 'Thou shalt not use your car to transport a pedophile priest to another parish.'"
"A plastic surgeon now has a mobile breast-enhancement clinic. It's feels on wheels."
Craig Ferguson: "I think we should be able to vote online. Of course we might end up with President Sanjaya."
Thursday, June 21
Conan O'Brien: "It's been reported that Nightmare on Elm Street Director Wes Craven is suing Pauly Shore. That's right, the man who gave you nightmares is being sued by Wes Craven."
||David Spade on The Showbiz Show about comedian Margaret Cho saying she gets mistaken for Lucy Liu: "Come on, no one's that racist." Also, "A friend says Nicole Richie is pregnant, proving once again that cocaine is not a means of birth control." And, "Could TV viewing be down because high-def makes Nicolette Sheridan look like a 90-year-old transsexual derelict?" And, "I'm a gentleman, and was always taught not to criticize a woman's looks or weight, unless you're breaking up with her."||
Jon Stewart on a meeting of the Federal,
State & Municipal Government Workers Union: "They're the Burning
Man of red tape."
"The terrorist graduated from Suicide Bombing School magna boom laude."
The title for a piece on Stephen Colbert's show on the Kennedy assassination: "Knoll Coward." Also, "We invited Ron Paul to be on the show. I'd thought he was a transsexual entertainer. Turns out he's running for President."
Jay Leno on the Pope's rules for driving. "He says no flashy cars. What about the Popemobile? And you can't use cars as an occasion for sin, so I guess Catholics can't drive Hummers." Also, "Three hundred suicide bombers just graduated. They're going to spend the summer backpacking across Europe."
Friday night, June 22
Joel McHale: "I think God is handling the Golden Girls reunion."
Comedian Tracy Smith: "I'm 34. I thought I'd be divorced by now, living off some bastard's alimony."
Conan O'Brien: "The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said that they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. In other words, they're just gonna build some stuff, and see what happens."
Monday Night, June 25
Jay Leno: "Paris Hilton will do her first interview Wednesday with Larry King. They're billing it as 'cranky meets skanky.' Paris has changed. Now she only has sex with the truly needy. So, Kev, you might get in on it.” Also, "Did you see that dog that won ugliest in the world? He has to get himself drunk to lick himself. Did you know a third of today's weddings include a dog? That's nothing. Half the bachelor parties feature a donkey." And, "Mexico has the first retirement home for elderly prostitutes. It's called Tijuana."
Dave Letterman: "Yesterday was the annual Gay Pride parade here in New York City. There were 300 guys as Ugly Betty. The parade marchers kept stopping to redecorate the store windows." Also, "Saddam Hussein’s buddy Chemical Ali has been sentenced to death. I feel bad for his wife, Chemical Shirley." Also, "Paris gets out of jail tomorrow. Now you'll see my life turn around."
Conan O'Brien: "Britain now has over-the-counter Viagra. You still need a prescription for toothpaste or floss."
Tuesday Night, June 26
Daily Show title of segment on
Cheney's secrecy fetish: "You Don't Know Dick."
Dave Letterman: "It was so hot today Al Gore developed an inconvenient rash."
Jay Leno: "It was so hot today I was sweatin’ like Larry King trying to come up with simple enough questions to ask Paris Hilton." Also, "A German driver swallowed his false teeth. That's the kind of thing that'll come back and bite you in the ass. And a man in Scotland was arrested for having sex with his bike. He's a pedalphile."
Wednesday Night, June 27
Jay Leno: "Universal Pictures announced they plan to make a movie about the life of Hugh Hefner. I don't want to say that Hugh Hefner is getting old, but do you know who is playing the young Hugh Hefner? Peter O’Toole."
Dave Letterman: "Now Paris has to do community service. Man — wait a minute. Community service? You're telling me an Internet sex video is not community service?"
Thursday Night, June 28
Jay Leno: "Paris Hilton told Larry King being strip searched was the most humiliating experience of her life; then she asked, 'You make all your guests do that?'”
Dave Letterman: "Paris says she's never going to drink and drive again. That'll be something to see — Paris all tipsy riding the bus." Also, "Paris said that in jail she had to eat mystery meat. I think I've actually seen video of her doing that."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Paris Hilton hysteria is starting to die down. I spotted her at LAX wearing a dark wig and a straw hat. She went to Maui. Which is nice because ever since Don died, Hawaii's been looking for a new 'Ho.'” Also, "It turned out that when Paris said she'd never done drugs, it meant she'd never had sex with them."
Friday Night, June 29
Joel McHale on The Soup:
"Germany barred Tom Cruise from shooting in their military
installations because he's a Scientologist. In response the Church of
Scientology barred Germany from filming in the Aurora 7 Galaxy." Also,
"On America's Got Talent Sharon Osbourne said she could see
Leonid the Magnificent heading the Gay Pride Parade in New York. That's
a worse insult to gays than anything Isaiah Washington ever said."
Jimmy Carr special on Comedy Central:
"I said, 'Pataka is an unusual name. You don't hear that every day.' She said, 'Actually, I do.'"
"Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning."
"If you eat too much spicy food it destroys your sense of taste. It's true. In Mexico I listened to a lot of Michael Bolton's records."
"Sting brags about his 8-hour tantric sex sessions with his wife Trudy. Think how long he could keep it up if she were a looker."
"He asked me, 'If you could sleep with anyone living or dead, who would it be?' I said, 'Anyone living.'"
"My girlfriend asked, 'Have you been having sex behind my back?' I said, 'Who did you think it was?'"
Jimmy told a bald guy in the audience that baldness is caused by too much male hormone. So my advice to you is to stop swallowing."
"I'm the world's greatest lover, if speed is important to you."
Jay Leno: "The bald eagle has been replaced on the endangered species list by the NBC peacock." Also, "Milk is going to $4 a gallon. I didn't know Dick Cheney was in the dairy industry." And, "The Spice Girls reunion will be sponsored by Old Spice."
Dave Letterman: "I'll be right back. I have to go take an iLeak."
Craig Ferguson: "There are areas on a man that need to be checked once a year, sometimes by a doctor." After showing a clip of lingerie models doing shows on airplanes: "This combines my two greatest fears, flying and intimacy."
Great drag names from Here! magazine: Flotilla DeBarge, Summer Clearance, Helena Handbasket, Scarlet Fever, Patty O. Furniture, Eva Destruction, Ida Slapter, Hedda Lettuce and Tequila Mockingbird.
Click to watch the Rocky vs. Priscilla video. It's pretty amazing.
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