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America's Late-Night-TV Jokes, July 2010

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim
(San Francisco's Town Fool for the odd quarter century)

Friday, July 30 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "A woman gave birth in a Starbucks restroom, and the baby was huge. I mean venti."

July  Strangies: Letterman 8, Ferguson 6, Leno 5, Colbert 1, Kimmel 1, Fallon 1


David Letterman

Stephen Colbert

Jimmy Kimmel

Conan O'Brien

Jimmy Fallon

Jay Leno

Jon Stewart

Craig Ferguson

Chelsea Handler

 

Thursday, July 1 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "The old vampire movies started out slow and then got creepier and creepier, like the Al Gore sex scandal."

Friday, July 2 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "This year I'm going to wear a Marine uniform, 'semper fierce.'"

Monday, July 5 Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "Democratic lawmakers are upset that unemployment benefits have not been extended, because a lot of them are going to need them come November."
Tuesday, July 6 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Queen Elizabeth is in New York to help attract LeBron James to the city."
Wednesday, July 7 Strangie to
Jay Leno guest Adam Carolla about the kid whose father pulled his loose tooth by attaching it with a string to a rocket: "You don't want to see the kid's circumcision."

Thursday, July 8 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Our show got 4 Emmy nominations, but none for me. That's OK. There's no 'me' in 'Emmy.'"

Friday, July 9 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Joe Biden's a different kind of Vice President. Last time the President would say something and Dick Cheney would have a heart attack ..."

Monday, July 12 Strangie to David Letterman: "BP has successfully lowered a new containment cap over Mel Gibson."

Tuesday, July 13 Strangie to David Letterman: "Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse apartment for $11 million. It had a very narrow view, overlooking the faults of the Republican Party."

Wednesday, July 14 Strangie to David Letterman: "Mel Gibson's rage has become so volcanic they're canceling flights in Europe."

Thursday, July 15 Strangie to David Letterman: "You know that Russian spy swap? In the old days they'd have just transferred them to a different parish."

Friday, July 16 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "David Letterman had Sigmund Freud do Top 10 Sexy Gifts to Give Your Mom."

Monday, July 19 Strangie to David Letterman: Stagehand Pat Farmer handed Dave Zsa-Zsa Gabor's old hip.

Tuesday, July 20 Strangie to David Letterman: "Here's Dick Cheney's heart before the surgery." Showed clip of the BP oil leak spewing.

Wednesday, July 21 Strangie to David Letterman: "Sarah Palin's so happy about Bristol and Levi getting married that she can't even make up words to describe it."

Thursday, July 22 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: E-mail: "Dear Craig: My 7th wedding anniversary is coming up. What can I get to surprise my wife?" Craig: "A sex change."

Friday, July 23 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "'Salt' is an Angelina Jolie action thriller originally written for Tom Cruise, but they needed someone who doesn't run like a girl. Angelina said she wanted to be a female James Bond. Isn't that Daniel Craig?"

Monday, July 26 Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Facebook has passed 500 million members, which would make it the third-largest country on earth, and by far the least productive."

Tuesday, July 27 Strangie to David Letterman: "Willie Nelson says he's happy he's finally outlived his penis."

Wednesday, July 28 Strangie to Jay Leno: "If the new law kicks in, what happens in Arizona stays in Mexico."

Thursday, July 29 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "'Jersey Shore's' star is Snooki, who has thick, heavily sculpted hair. I never noticed. I'm not a leg man."

Friday, July 30 Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "A woman gave birth in a Starbucks restroom, and the baby was huge. I mean venti."

Thursday, July 1

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "The old vampire movies started out slow and then got creepier and creepier, like the Al Gore sex scandal."

Jon Stewart
: "Release the Kagan" "Kremlin 2: The Gang That Couldn't Spy Straight."

Stephen Colbert: "The Lone Gay-Dar State: Republicans in Texas want to criminalize homosexuality, so it you go to their rally, don't wear your chaps."

David Letterman: "The 4th of July combines our two favorite pastimes, alcohol and explosives. I like the fireworks here in New York, because they're beautiful and they drown out the gunfire. At the Letterman family picnic the question is always whether the ribs will be marinated before Mom." "'Twilight: Eclipse' is out. Thank God. There hasn't been a new vampire movie in weeks. Today Sarah Palin was up in a helicopter shooting werewolves." "Steve Jobs says the new iPhone doesn't like to be held. Well, you can't think of everything." Guest Taylor Lautner, "Twilight" werewolf: "In Japan the fans cry, and if you touch them to try to comfort them, they faint. Problem solved. In Brazil 2,000 girls stormed the hotel lobby, and they had to call in the National Guard." Dave: "Sounds like a party at my house."

Jimmy Kimmel: "That smoking baby is one of the cutest atrocities I've ever seen." "LeBron James is going with Team Jacob."

Craig Ferguson was playing the harmonica: "Where I come from they say mouth organ. OK, not when they're talking about harmonicas." "Let's salute our neighbor to the north on Canada Day. May your bacon always be ham." "Police in Oregon are reopening the Al Gore sexual assault case and say they have DNA evidence. Probably just ketchup." "Real vampires don't have feelings. They just want to suck your blood because they can, like lawyers." Craig showed a photo of the "Twilight" vampire army. "No need for a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy in that army. You don't have to ask. You can just tell."

"The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner" is a novella that is better
than the actual books of the "Twilight" vampire series.

.

Friday, July 2
(All but one in reruns)

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "This year I'm going to wear a Marine uniform, 'semper fierce.'"

Craig Ferguson: "The 4th of July in Boston is like St. Patrick's Day WITH EXPLOSIVES!" "For the '1812 Overture' they let me pull the string to set off the cannon. It's like an enormous version of Pull My Finger." "The British say Americans don't understand irony. Like calling a damp little island in the North Atlantic 'Great' Britain?" "Illinois is great. Chicago's right there on Lake Oprah."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "Then Al Gore said to the masseuse, 'Let me introduce you to my inconvenient erection.'" Joel showed a clip from "The View" with Whoopi saying, "Did you know King Tut's penis is missing?" Joel: "Barbara knew." Joel showed an art exhibition of penises. "In art circles that's known as the Monet shot."

"Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang" by Chelsea Handler, Grand Central Publishing, 2010

.

"Life is like a box of chocolates," my mother told me. "Eat too many and you'll end up with your father's tits."

Like most unpleasant experiences regarding the penis, the first time is always the worst time.

I look back on that time in my young life with fondness, nostalgia and a touch of disgust.

Chapter Heading: When Life Hands You Lemons, Squeeze Them into Your Vodka

... Barbie Dolls, which were a rite of passage for every kindergartner with a half carafe of dignity.

Monday, July 5
(All but Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert in reruns for the holiday)

Strangie to Stephen Colbert: "Democratic lawmakers are upset that unemployment benefits have not been extended, because a lot of them are going to need them come November."

Jon Stewart: Headline on story of Republican National Chairman Michael Steele saying Obama started the war in Afghanistan: "Steele Crazy After All These Years."

"Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang" by Chelsea Handler, Grand Central Publishing, 2010

.

"My parents were busy living their own lives. if I saw a fly, they would just tell me to get out of the way or sarcastically suggest I call Youth and Family Services. What they didn't know was that I had been in contact with Youth and Family Services several times and was one phone call shy of sealing the deal on my emancipation.

Sloane [Chelsea's sister] always accused me of turning Poopsie Woopsie against her, but the truth was, the cat could tell that my sister was "off," and by "off" I mean Morman.

I'm a girl, but not as much of a girl as my boyfriend.

Hawaii bores me. There is no nightlife, and whenever I'm there, I wake up at seven. If I wanted to wake up at seven, I'd adopt a black baby."

Tuesday, July 6
(All but Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Jay Leno in reruns)

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Queen Elizabeth is in New York to help attract LeBron James to the city."

Jay Leno: "It was so hot today people were sweating like Mel Gibson at the Apollo." "On July 4, 1776 we were trying to escape British rule. Now we're trying to escape British Petroleum." "Traces of BP oil have been showing up in disturbing places, like Congressmen's pockets." "Iran has just banned the mullet. Kentucky has broken off diplomatic relations." "In that sexual assault case the masseuse claims Al Gore knocked her out, not with a roofie, but talking about climate change." "Paris Hilton was arrested for suspected marijuana possession, but they let her go. She always has that blank look on her face." "Larry King is quitting to spend more time getting divorced." "Disgraced ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is going to host his own TV game show, 'Are You Smarter Than a 23-Year-Old Whore?'" Headlines: "Otimist Club Going Better Than Hoped." Classified ad: "Nordic Track for sale cheap. Call Chubby after 6."

"Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang" by Chelsea Handler, Grand Central Publishing, 2010

.

I watched a two-hour profile on a six-foot-six black female player, all the time wondering to myself if she would ever achieve half the success of Kobe Bryant and manage to get an entire line of beef named after her.

I was bawling by the time the movie ended, and not in a normal way. It was more like heaving. Heavy, loud groaning, drool coming out of my mouth and nose -- not very different from the afternoon I lost my virginity to our neighborhood Santa Claus. ... I hadn't cried like this since "Norbit."

In true Ted form, he was not in on the joke, which is basically the foundation of our relationship. [Her boyfriend Ted is the head of the E! Network, which runs Chelsea's show.]

"I'm a murderer, Ted! I'm a murderer. A dog murderer! I'm just like Phil Spector minus the music career."

"Not on my watch," Johnny said. "I will not be a party to this other than videotaping the funeral."

Wednesday, July 7
(All but Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Jay Leno in reruns)

Strangie to Jay Leno guest Adam Carolla about the kid whose father pulled his loose tooth by attaching it with a string to a rocket: "You don't want to see the kid's circumcision."

Jon Stewart: "The Crumpets Take Manhattan: Queen Elizabeth spoke to the UN today, a powerless head of state addressing a powerless organization. Supporting the Royal Family costs British taxpayers only $1 a person. We should buy the Queen!"s

Stephen Colbert: "Ordinarily I don't like magazines without 'Ammo' in the title ..."

Jay Leno: It was so hot in Baltimore that the team beating the Orioles actually worked up a sweat." "The difference between Lindsay Lohan and LeBron James? We know where Lindsay is going. In Hollywood, if you haven't had a hit movie in two years, you're going to jail. She got 90 days in jail, 90 days in rehab, and then, of course, 'Dancing with the Stars.'" "Iran has banned the mullet, bad news for Muhammad Ray Cyrus." "The head of BP had an affair with a married woman which led to her divorce. Another example of BP reckless drilling." "That former Nathan's champion has been arrested. Believe me, you don't want to be known in jail as a hot dog eating champion."

Craig Ferguson to Holly Hunter: "What lovely delicate fingers you have. I wish you were my doctor."

"Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang" by Chelsea Handler, Grand Central Publishing, 2010

.

That is how Lydia operated. Her disorderliness had always been her strong suit, and this is coming from someone who hasn't worn a matching pair of socks since Reagan was shot.

I hated that after Abby crossed over, her daughter continued her mother's advice column without changing its name from "Dear Abby" to "Dear Abby's Fucking Daughter."

The thought hadn't occurred to me that I would have to bring Ted to the wedding and that he would meet several people I'd slept with, including Rooster.

i didn't want to travel further in the direction this conversation was headed, so I removed the chip clip from my hair and tried to attach it to his penis.

Ted and I have always had different policies when it comes to other humans. He's generally not interested in people and doesn't even pretend to try, whereas I am fascinated by everyone and everything, especially if it involves a childhood story about an inappropriate uncle or obesity.

I thought it might be fun for all of us to watch Lydia get married. I've always wanted to see a bride in her wedding dress smoking a cigarette, and I knew Lydia was the one person i could count on to make that dream come true.

Thursday, July 8
(All but Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Jay Leno in reruns)

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Our show got 4 Emmy nominations, but none for me. That's OK. There's no 'me' in 'Emmy.'"

Jon Stewart: "LeBron picked Team Jacob." "Arizona: Latino 911: John McCain has switched his stance. His new slogan is, 'Just tell me what to say and I'll say it.' Arizona racism is a dry hate."


Stephen Colbert: "Automatics for the People: If Jesus had had a gun the crucifixion would have been an entirely different story."

Jay Leno: "Obama is saying Arizona's immigration law is invalid. Only one entity can decide which foreigners can work here, Wal-Mart." "Lindsay Lohan's going to jail. Lights out at 10 p.m. is going to be different from black out at 4 a.m." "Osama bin Laden is a big soccer fan and has been watching the World Cup. Can't we find a cave with a satellite dish?" Guest Michael Palascak: "There's a campaign to have Ronald McDonald to retire because he's a bad influence on kids. It's a tough economy when imaginary characters are losing their jobs." After looking at the problems with Toyotas: "Maybe those kamikaze pilots weren't brave. Maybe the Japanese are just bad at brakes."


release al gore's 2nd chakra
Nate Beeler cartoon www.sfexaminer.com

"Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang" by Chelsea Handler, Grand Central Publishing, 2010

.

[Chelsea's boyfriend Ted speaking]: "Yes, really. For your information it turns out I'm not the only one who missed a day of work when Michael Jackson died."
"I'm sorry?"
"He didn't work the next day either, because he was too upset."
"No, Ted. He didn't work the next day either because he doesn't have a job."

[Chelsea's brother] Greg and I are not quiet and have never pretended to be. We both have extremely unfortunate personalities and thrive on embarrassing anyone we're in a room with.

Now we were all in the water with our flip-flops floating beside us. I took this opportunity to relieve myself.

And further, like Rihanna, I respect a guy who yells at me.

I spilled a Bloody Mary, and Eva pulled out some sort of giant paper towel that was absorbent enough to clean up a miscarriage.

I hadn't seen a look of fear this intense since I tried to squeeze [her little person sidekick] Chuy into my compost bin.

Friday, July 9
(All but Jay Leno in reruns)

Strangie to Jay Leno: "Joe Biden's a different kind of Vice President. Last time the President would say something and Dick Cheney would have a heart attack ..."

Jay Leno: "It's so hot in Florida, even people in Cleveland could feel the Miami Heat. There hasn't been this much talk about a guy changing teams since Ricky Martin." "A Canadian teacher was arrested for assigning his students masturbation as homework. Too bad it's outlawed. At last there's a subject where American students could beat Japan and China."

"Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang" by Chelsea Handler, Grand Central Publishing, 2010

.

I get incredibly anxious when challenged to any test of strength and usually end up pulling a groin muscle no matter where the area of strength being challenged is centralized.

It wasn't Tanya's strength that I found intimidating. It was the starry, retarded way her eyes focused on me, like Mike Tyson getting ready to feed.

I once saw a special on adopting rescue dogs, and the interview process is more complicated than the one for buying a cleft-palated Vietnamese adolescent.

Eva  and Ted were in cahoots, and if you wanted to keep something from one of them, it was best to lie to both.

... and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperon animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

Monday, July 12
(Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel & Chelsea Handler in reruns)

Strangie to David Letterman: "BP has successfully lowered a new containment cap over Mel Gibson."

David Letterman: "In New York it's not the heat, it's the humanity." "President Obama has invited Mel Gibson and his girlfriend to the White House for a beer." "Is Larry King actually leaving, or leaving like Jay Leno leaves?" "Rush Limbaugh has sold his New York apartment for $11 million. That's $2 million for the apartment and $9 million for what's in his medicine cabinet."

Jay Leno: "Spain won the World Cup, and Spanish people celebrated in the streets all over the world, except Arizona.""In Pamplona it was Bulls 6, People 0. Casualties were so high because people were texting while running." "Number 1 at the box office was 'Despicable Me: The Mel Gibson Story.' Turns out Mel's lethal weapon is a telephone." "The Vatican is running at a loss. They're having to rob Peter to pay Paul." "Roman Polanski was freed by a Swiss court. He celebrated with a 14-year-old. Bottle of Scotch." Guest Seth Meyers: "A new law in Tennessee makes it illegal for pedophiles to drive ice cream trucks. 'No fair!' say kids who will now have to pay for their own ice cream." Headlines: "Mexican Pile-On at First Methodist Church." Police bulletin: "The Open Door Bible Church was entered by breaking a window."

Jimmy Fallon: "There are still places where Mel Gibson is not the most hated person, like Cleveland." "Clay Aiken has broken up with his boyfriend of two years. Clay's OK, but Seacrest can't get out of bed." "Victoria's Secret Halloween costumes will come in small, medium and gay dude."

Craig Ferguson: "The Swiss won't extradite Roman Polanski to the U.S., so the FBI are going to lure him with an offer to judge 'The Teen Choice Awards.'" "I injured myself this weekend in Vermont on the Bromley Mountain Alpine Slide of Death. You slide into a holding pen for Jimmy Fallon's prostitutes. I'm 48. I shouldn't be on alpine slides. I should be home squirting on Bengay. I was still having a better week than Mel Gibson."

"Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang" by Chelsea Handler, Grand Central Publishing, 2010

.

"I thought I was Chunk," Ted objected. "That's going to confuse both of us. How am I going to know which one of us you're talking to?"
"From now on, Ted." I said, taking a seat at the kitchen table, "I will always be talking to the dog."

237 - "But if he likes boys, wouldn't it have been easier to just stay a girl, instead of becoming a man and then becoming gay?"
"That's a pretty good fucking question, Sylvan," I told him, "one that I ask every day when I look at Paul's ass. It's hard to understand the transgender community and what their thoughts are. Why they want to cross two hurdles instead of one, but I don't ask questions, Sylvan. I don't judge. I'm not the Lord."

241 - Paul is gay with an exorbitant amount of energy and an annoyingly sunny disposition. He has the tendency to look at every situation as a glass half gay and is the type of person who says "Bless his heart" when he sees someone in a wheelchair getting off a ski lift.
 

Tuesday, July 13
(Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel & Chelsea Handler in reruns)

Strangie to David Letterman: "Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse apartment for $11 million. It had a very narrow view, overlooking the faults of the Republican Party."

David Letterman: "We sent Russia ten spies, and they sent us four spies and a Cuban pitcher." "Fidel Castro says his only regret is that he never nailed Betty White." "The Cleveland owner was fined $100,000 for his rant against LeBron James. Mel Gibson said, 'You call that a rant?'" "Carl's Jr. has come out with a foot-long cheeseburger. That's what killed Carl Sr."

Jay Leno: "George Steinbrenner has already fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard." In a segment called "Instant Karma" Jay showed a clip of a guy blowing a vuvuzela at his dog, which promptly craps on the carpet. "Mel Gibson used obscenity and racial slurs. I didn't know he was a rapper. In Mel's honor Apple is putting out the fPhone."

Jimmy Fallon: "BP thinks the new tighter containment cap may do the job. They'd just been embarrassed  to ask for the smaller size at the drugstore. Remember, it's not the size of the cap but the motion of the ocean." "The show 'Jersey Shore' holds nothing back, except the Italian-American community."

Craig Ferguson: "Whoopi Goldberg defended Mel Gibson. She should expect a thank you telephone call. Let the machine pick up, Whoopi." "The sequel to 'The Secret' is coming out. You can read it at the beach while the kids are building oil castles. If 'The Secret' worked, why do they need a sequel? Donald Trump wrote a book which said think big and kick ass. I'd rather kick big and think ass."


"The Confessions of Max Tivoli" by Andrew Sean Greer, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2004
.

Max Tivoli is born in San Francisco in 1870, a tiny shriveled old man, who grows tall but ages backwards. When he's 17 but looks 50 he falls in love with the 14-year-old daughter Alice of the widow downstairs, but the widow seduces him. Then he finally gets to kiss the daughter, who tells her mother, and they disappear the next day. He runs into Alice at two later periods of his life. I don't want to give it away, but it's amazing.

We are each the love of someone's life.

"Be what they think you are," my mother whispered to me that evening, a tear at the corner of each eye. "Be what they think you are. Be what they think you are."
I have tried, Mother. It has brought me heartache, but it has also brought me here.

"I've been stung!"
And so had I, Alice, seeing you for the first time. Worst luck of my live; I was struck dumb by my heart.

I would like to call it fate, but I should call it chance, that put you in my yard at the time my heart was as its most tender. I suppose I'm lucky it was you and not someone crueler. Still, if it had been anyone but you, Alice, I would have loved again, and plenty, before this ripe age. Cursed by your eyes, however, I never have.

Wednesday, July 14
(Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel & Chelsea Handler in reruns)

Strangie to David Letterman: "Mel Gibson's rage has become so volcanic they're canceling flights in Europe."

David Letterman: "Carl's Jr. has a foot-long cheeseburger. Rush Limbaugh calls it a slider." "At the All Star game last night they had a minute of silence for George Steinbrenner. Here last night we had an hour of silence." "Levi Johnston is marrying Bristol Palin. He'll arrive at the church strapped to Sarah Palin's pickup. Levi has issued an apology for his earlier remarks to the entire Palin family. That sounds familiar."

Jay Leno: "Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are marrying. Even the psychic octopus couldn't have predicted that. What Bristol missed most about Levi? His johnston." "An Ohio woman gave birth to twin boys weighing ten pounds each. She's naming them Stretch and Mark." "Because of contract disputes there may be no NBA games played next season. At last some good news for Cleveland." "A woman reporter has accused Al Gore of shoving his tongue down her throat. He just talked and talked until she yawned." "A Canadian teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning his students masturbation as homework. Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally?" Guest Tracy Morgan on White House dinner: "Colin Powell hugged me and I said, 'Sir, I hope it's OK if I tell people you're my biological father.'" "Mel Gibson is just hip hop. He stole the whole concept from Lil Wayne."

Jimmy Fallon: "Mel Gibson demanded oral sex and threatened to burn the house down, and that was just on a call to tech support." "Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are practicing abstinence, every night before they go to bed." "France has outlawed the burqa, though you can still wear a sour-smelling shirt for two weeks." "In New Zealand a man's dog stepped on the trigger of his gun and shot him in the butt. The man's in the hospital, and the dog's at home peeing wherever he wants."

Craig Ferguson: "It's Bastille Day, so if you see a Frenchman shake his hand, unless he's a mime, in which case kick him in the nuts. That reminds me, I must bring my French maid's costume to the cleaner. It's filthy. Even when it's clean." E-mail: "Dear Craig: Do you think grunting helps you hit the ball harder in tennis?" Craig: "Well, I don't know about in tennis ..."

"The Confessions of Max Tivoli" by Andrew Sean Greer, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2004
.

Max Tivoli is born in San Francisco in 1870, a tiny shriveled old man, who grows tall but ages backwards. When he's 17 but looks 50 he falls in love with the 14-year-old daughter Alice of the widow downstairs, but the widow seduces him. Then he finally gets to kiss the daughter, who tells her mother, and they disappear the next day. He runs into Alice at two later periods of his life. I don't want to give it away, but it's amazing.

The kind of place where bars offered any man a twenty if he spotted a waitress wearing underpants.

But I was not a father then. I did not know, Sammy, what happens to us in the presence of our sons.

I had to be careful. I had to coax the thorns of my life into the spirals of  her heart.

We were wed in May of 1908 and I knew every inch of ecstasy.

In other words they had to operate; they had to remove Alice from my life.

Thursday, July 15
(Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel & Chelsea Handler in reruns)

Strangie to David Letterman: "You know that Russian spy swap? In the old days they'd have just transferred them to a different parish."

David Letterman: "It's so hot the girls at Flashdancers have to use oven mitts on the poles." "Crime is up in New York. I knew we'd bounce back." "Lindsay Lohan is going to the slammer, as Paul the Psychic Octopus predicted. Tomorrow on ESPN Lindsay tells which prison she's picked. She hopes to get the cell Martha Stewart decorated." "Mel Gibson has learned there's nothing more dangerous than an angry girlfriend wearing a wire. If I want to listen to a hate-filled rant I'll just have lunch with Regis."

Jay Leno: "Turns out Venezuela has huge oil reserves. If we'd known that we could have invaded closer to home. To be fair, when Bush invaded Iraq he thought Venezuela was a planet. Now he knows it's a horn blown at soccer games." "Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to get married in his camouflage gear. It'll be the only time in his life he's worn protection." "A child's neck can tell you if he has a weight problem. Especially if he doesn't have a neck." "Huge lines at Apple for the iPhone. To return them. They'll give you a Blackberry so you can actually make calls." "Lindsay Lohan has hired Robert Shapiro, who's looking forward to defending a beautiful blonde instead of a man who kills them." "Some strippers hired for a bachelor party took the money, didn't strip and then maced all the guests. Listen, if the only thing that burns after a bachelor party is your eyes, count yourself lucky." "A 56-year-old Canadian teacher went to jail for assigning his students masturbation as homework. The students are still all pulling for him."

Jimmy Fallon: "BP says no more oil is leaking. Well, that was easy." "Apple's having a press conference tomorrow to talk about the iPhone reception problems. They tried to call it for Monday but just got through.""LeBron James is going to be on the cover of 'GQ,' and the Cleveland owner is going to be on the cover of 'FU.'" "Enrique Iglesias says he'll fulfill his pledge to water-ski naked in Miami since Spain won the World Cup. In completely unrelated news Ricky Martin has just bought beachfront property in Miami."

Craig Ferguson: "People try to palm off poorly-lit grainy images as Bigfoot, like we try to palm off poorly-lit grainy images as a late-night talk show." E-mail: "Dear Craig: Can you trust a man with tattoos?" Craig: "No. Well, there must be some man with tattoos you can trust. Jesse James."


"Inside Edition" had a clip of Seth Meyers introducing Tiger Woods at the ESPY awards: "Give it up for Tiger Woods, if you haven't already."

Daniel Tosh on "Tosh.0" on Comedy Central

In a parade a male horse with a female rider suddenly mounts a female horse with a male rider. Daniel Tosh: "And that's how you make a centaur." Then he makes eight more jokes: http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=341899&title=video-breakdown---horse-parade

The "World of Warcraft" kid's freakout got 26,000,000 hits on YouTube. Daniel Tosh thinks the kid faked it and has him on the show. http://www.comedycentral.com/tosh.0/2010/07/15/web-investigation-wow-freakout-kid/

"The Confessions of Max Tivoli" by Andrew Sean Greer, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2004
.

Max Tivoli is born in San Francisco in 1870, a tiny shriveled old man, who grows tall but ages backwards. When he's 17 but looks 50 he falls in love with the 14-year-old daughter Alice of the widow downstairs, but the widow seduces him. Then he finally gets to kiss the daughter, who tells her mother, and they disappear the next day. He runs into Alice at two later periods of his life. I don't want to give it away, but it's amazing.

"You're married, young man, you should know. She's shunned."
"Who?"
"Dupont, the old whore.The wives aren't coming."

... that I would sell my bones to have her back -- for though she held me as a child, my mother never got to see me as a boy.

But the worst, of course, was when my body paused for a moment in its decline, took a breath, and silently unsexed me.

"Hi, Alice," Hughie said, smile across his plain, old face.
Her hand went to her heart. We are each the love of someone's life.

Friday, July 16
(Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert off; David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel & Chelsea Handler in reruns)

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "David Letterman had Sigmund Freud do Top 10 Sexy Gifts to Give Your Mom."

Jay Leno: "It was 105 today, so hot I saw two dogs on a front lawn just having phone sex. I saw a priest stop at a kid's lemonade stand just for a glass of lemonade." "BP finally capped the well. They had to stop it before the oil reached England." "Do you know what George W. Bush likes most about Facebook? There's no book." "Do you think Sarah Palin will stop Bristol and Levi from taking their wedding vows? She stopped John McCain from taking the oath of office." "Why is this woman still taking Mel Gibson's phone calls? Hasn't she heard of caller i.d.?" "The internet is a real tool, and so are a lot of the people on it."

Jimmy Fallon: "The first full-length trailer has been released for that movie about Facebook. Meanwhile, the founders of MySpace have moved into a full-length trailer." "Baskin-Robbins is celebrating its 65th anniversary and National Ice Cream Month by retiring five flavors. That's like celebrating Granparent's Day by pulling the plug." "Utah legislators are receiving anonymous letters naming illegal aliens. They're saying, 'No way, Jose.'" Guest Kurt Metzger: "I was at my father's funeral when someone ran in and said Michael Jackson died. I was devastated."

Craig Ferguson: "Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are getting married and doing a reality show. What a surprise. Sarah Palin can't wait to start shooting.""David Beckham still likes to play with Legos, because they're little and plastic, like his wife." "The movie 'Inception' opens today. It's about what Hollywood does best, robbing people's dreams." "Freud and Jung were the Biggie and Tupac of 19th century Vienna."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "Mel Gibson was caught on tape saying things you should only say while watching the series finale of 'The Hills.'"

"Triple Jeopardy" by Rex Stout, Bantam Books, 1952
.

Three Nero Wolfe mystery novellas, narrated by Wolfe's studly assistant Archie Goodwin.

[Talking to a police sergeant] I lifted my nose. "Mr. and Mrs. Rackwell have asked Mr. Wolfe to investigate the death of their nephew [who had claimed to be an undercover FBI agent]. Before he starts to whiz through it like a cyclone he wants to know whether he will be cramping the style of those responsible for the national security."

... Wolfe was behind his desk with beer. It would have been impossible for anything with life in it to look less like a cyclone.

At his right was a specimen who was a female anatomically but otherwise a what-is-it. Her name was Della Devlin, and her age was beside the point.

Monday, July 19
(Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert in reruns)

Strangie to David Letterman: Stagehand Pat Farmer handed Dave Zsa-Zsa Gabor's old hip.

David Letterman: "It's so hot Republicans are starting Iced Tea Parties." "Did you watch the swimmers racing across the Hudson? The runner-up got a case of beer. The winner got a case of typhoid." "A guy in New York has been fined $2,000 for cleaning up a steaming pile of garbage in front of his house. I guess it'd been there so long it had landmark status." "That Lindsay Lohan, we couldn't even trade her to the Russians." "The Republicans are complaining because Obama has taken 55 vacation days, only 300 behind George W. Bush at this point. The Republicans hate everything he does but don't want him to take a vacation from it?" "A heart pump has been installed in Dick Cheney. Thank you, BP." "FEMA still hasn't shown up for the D.C. earthquake, and they live there."

Jay Leno: "If only Mel Gibson had made those calls on the iPhone 4, they wouldn't have gone through." "Robert Shapiro would only represent Lindsay Lohan if she'd agree to go to jail. Why couldn't he have made a deal like that with O.J.?" "A study has shown that young people don't read newspapers. George Bush was ahead of his time." Headlines: Church bulletin: Join us for an evening of mucus and fellowship." Pet ad for a "Jack Russell Terrorist."

Jimmy Kimmel: "BP says the capped well is experiencing leakage and methane gas, a combination rarely seen outside Larry King's underwear." "Oksana? Mel Gibson thought he was on the phone with Obama."

Jimmy Fallon: "It was Broadway Night at the White House. The President won with his rendition of 'Promises, Promises. And Promises and More Promises.' Obama accidentally complimented Nancy Pelosi on he great work in 'Wicked.'" "There's a summer camp in South Korea where parents send their kids to learn discipline. The camp's called North Korea." "A study has found women reach their peak of attractiveness at 31, which only proves the age of the researcher's wife. Roman Polanski thought the numbers were reversed." "An Amish led police on a mile-long chase in his horse and buggy. His name's Obediah Johnson, but everyone calls him O.J." "Mel Gibson may be moving to Australia. When your career goes down the toilet there, does it swirl in the opposite direction?"

Craig Ferguson: "Andrew Lloyd Weber is bringing a new version of 'The Wizard of Oz' to Broadway. He looked at the movie and thought he could make it gayer." "July is National Ice Cream Month. Who doesn't like ice cream? Well Al Qada, obviously. I like my ice cream like I like my sex, alone in front of the television. Baskin-Robbins is retiring five flavors. That's like celebrating Arbor Day by burning down a forest. They're getting rid of French Vanilla, the one you really have to use your tongue on. I prefer Greek yogurt." 

Ryan Stout on Comedy Central: "You can easily set the homeless on fire. They're 90% alcohol." "An ad said condoms are easier to change than a diaper. Whoever wrote that never tried to change a kid's condom." "They say if you're attacked you should yell 'Fire!' instead of 'Help!' What if the attacker has a gun?" "I said to my niece and nephew, 'Jenna, Jameson ...'"

"Triple Jeopardy" by Rex Stout, Bantam Books, 1952
.

Three Nero Wolfe mystery novellas, narrated by Wolfe's studly assistant Archie Goodwin.

I saw that it might be necessary, if events permitted, to find an opportunity to spend enough time with her to make it clear that I didn't like her.

[Wolfe]: "Yes, I never spent anybody's money, not even my own, on a slimmer chance."
[Archie]: "Especially you own. And incidentally sticking my neck out. You don't know the meaning of fear when it comes to sticking my neck out. Do we proceed?"

Tuesday, July 20
(Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert in reruns)

Strangie to David Letterman: "Here's Dick Cheney's heart before the surgery." Showed clip of the BP oil leak spewing.

Chelsea Handler: Chelsea showed a bunch of guys lying on the floor thinking themselves into no-hands orgasms. Chelsea: "What a circle of jerks."

David Letterman: "New York City is having a drought. In the Central Park Reservoir the dead bodies are floating at the lowest level ever." "In jail Lindsay Lohan was caught turning a shiv into a nail file." "Mayor Bloomberg is turning surplus garbage dumpsters into swimming pools. There isn't enough disinfectant in the world ..." "The doctors told Dick Cheney no strenuous activity. Good news for Mrs. Cheney." "Today Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston were talking to Joe the Wedding Planner." "Jeb Bush may be running for President. I feel about Bush Presidencies the way I feel about 'Godfather' films. You're better off stopping after two."

Jay Leno: "Lindsay Lohan is in jail. You thought she got upset before when the bars closed." "The BP containment cap is leaking, so they're trying a new improved cap with wings." "July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are just delighted she's not marrying Levi Johnston." "A 40-year-old woman had sex with four of her daughter's boyfriends. When I was a kid friends' mothers would give us milk and cookies, not milf and cookies."

Jimmy Kimmel: "My body is here tonight, but my heart is with Lindsay at the Linwood Women's Correction Facility. I'm hoping to get my daughter enrolled there." Showed clip of celebrity fan Jake Byrd, wearing a shirt that said "Linnocent," yelling at Lindsay's dad, "Keep up the good work!" Then he told a news crew. "Lindsay just tweeted, "Entering prison. I keistered an iPhone 4." Jimmy: "The new cap BP is using is childproof."

Jimmy Fallon: "Joe Biden called Nancy Pelosi 'The Mother of Health Care' and 'Milf of the Oil Spill.'" "Some communities are renting police officers to save money. Sounds like a bachelorette party. 'Everything I have will be held against you.'" "Police in Texas were called after duffel bags filled with marijuana were dropped on houses. Good grief. When that happens you don't call the cops; you call Papa John's. And think if it happened to somebody already stoned.""There's an app that can delete all mentions of your old girlfriend from your Facebook page. It's called your new girlfriend."

Craig Ferguson: "E-books outsold physical books for the first time. Soon the only people holding actual pages in their laps will be Congressmen." "We finally sent that dangerous scalawag Lindsay Lohan to jail. I know you're pleased from the way you're cheering. Jail's a chance to read a few books, catch up on your sleep -- like being a member of our studio audience. We should reopen Alcatraz and just use it for celebrities, like a pop culture zoo. The prisoners would be carving bars of soap into cell phones and distilling apples into Botox." E-mail: "Dear Craig: I have severe sunburn. any remedies?" Craig: "Yes. You take cat poop and rub it on the affected areas."

"Triple Jeopardy" by Rex Stout, Bantam Books, 1952
.

Three Nero Wolfe mystery novellas, narrated by Wolfe's studly assistant Archie Goodwin.

"Why not? That's my philosophy, Mr. Goodwin -- why not? It saves trouble."

Her contempt for mental processes was absolutely spectacular.

It was Lieutenant Rowcliff, whose murder I will not have to premeditate when I get around to it because I have already done the premeditating.

Wednesday, July 21
(Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert in reruns)

Strangie to David Letterman: "Sarah Palin's so happy about Bristol and Levi getting married that she can't even make up words to describe it."

Chelsea Handler: "Tonight we had our first all-rapper panel, and I'd like to apologize to anyone in the audience who got pregnant."

David Letterman: "I know you folks are a little down because Lindsay Lohan's in jail. But now at last the streets are safe. Bartenders all over the state shut down their blenders in a minute of silence." "Mayor Bloomberg has turned some surplus dumpsters into swimming pools. I bet now LeBron James is sorry he didn't come to New York." "A man was arrested for trying to sneak 18 monkeys onto a plane in his pants. You know you're only allowed 3. They usually seat fellows like that next to me." "Is BP's Tony Hayward really stepping down, or is it a Leno?" "Jeb Bush may run for President. there's George W., Jeb, and then the hot-tempered Sonny." Sarah Palin combined 'refute' and 'repudiate' to make 'refudiate.' A language expert tried to combine 'Palin' and 'Vice President' and his computer blew up."

Jay Leno: "Thirty passengers were injured on a United flight that ran into turbulence. The flight attendants immediately took care of anyone who could afford the triage fee." "Two men saved themselves when their boat sank in Chesapeake Bay by clinging to a beer cooler. that's the guy version of 'Titanic.'" "I guess it's true that newspapers are on the way out. Today I saw a homeless person sleeping on a park bench with two iPads over his eyes." "28% of women say oral sex is not sex, and 100% of guys want to find those women." "The good news is that Hillary is planning Chelsea's wedding. The bad news is that Bill's planning the bachelor party." "Another masseuse says Al Gore told her if she didn't do what he wanted he'd let the world burn up." "The #1 sports earner was Tiger Woods. #2 was his wife." "Turns out Viagra causes hearing loss. Bad news, ladies. He wasn't hanging on your every word before. Now he's deaf with an erection." Guest Chelsea Handler: "Our neighbors said if we wouldn't invite them to our party they'd tell on us, so the cops came. Obviously they'll be invited to the next party."

Jimmy Kimmel: "We have a lot to cover tonight, and precious little material to cover it with." Jimmy showed the mug shots from Lindsay Lohan's 3 arrests. "Next time she'll look like Nick Nolte." "Turns out it's easier to pick a new judge for the Supreme Court than for 'American Idol.' I suggest they get Phil Spector out of jail to judge it." "There may be a 5-year ban on catching lobsters on the East Coast, so Red Lobster may soon be Red Nothing.""President Obama signed the Financial Reform Bill today, but it's been watered down so much that it now just says financial institutions have to wait an hour after lunch to go swimming."

Jimmy Fallon: "Comic-Con opens tomorrow, featuring comics, video games and other forms of birth control." "America and Britain traded art. But they've already just given us a huge oil painting." "Tiger Woods made $90 million last year, or as Elin calls it, $45 million." In honor of the oil spill Jimmy sang the song: "Don't Swim in the Ocean; You'll Get Balls in Your Mouth."

Craig Ferguson: "There's an ice cream truck in England that's just for dogs. It features Cookies & Cat, Fire Hydrant, and the most popular flavor, Balls." "The man who invented the black box has died from too many comedians asking, 'Why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box material?'" "I had to fire my last dentist because his fingers tasted weird, and so did the rest of him. Dentists say the x-rays are harmless. Then they put the big lead apron on you and leave the room!" "Women notice my smile, and I notice their boobies, which make me smile. It's the circle of life." An audience member asked if he could go to the bathroom, and Craig said sure. The guy just sat there and got a very concentrated look on his face. "Germophobes will eventually die out because they can't mate." E-mail: "Dear Craig: What do you do when you get restless?" Craig: "Oh, self-massage."

"Three Doors to Death" by Rex Stout, 1947
.

Three excellent Nero Wolfe mysteries, told by his studly assistant Archie Goodwin.

"He was by far the best designer in New York, and he was the best showman, too. So you would expect him to do something startling about killing himself, no matter how unhappy he was. He took all his clothes off and jumped into a boiling geyser in Yellowstone Park."

Evidently Wolfe knew himself nearly as well as I knew him.

Thursday, July 22
(Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert in reruns)

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: E-mail: "Dear Craig: My 7th wedding anniversary is coming up. What can I get to surprise my wife?" Craig: "A sex change."

Chelsea Handler: Ross Matthews on Mel Gibson and Britney Spears talking to each other: "It makes sense. He has to listen to tape recordings of himself, and she performs to tape recordings of herself. And he likes her 'Baby, Hit Me One More Time.'"

David Letterman: Dave was introduced as "flaxen-haired underwear model, David Letterman." "'Inception' asks, 'Am I awake or am I asleep?' It's based on last night's audience. 'Inception' is set in an alternate-reality dream world, like the Tea Party." "Piers Morgan is going to replace Larry King. To get ready, today he got married and divorced three times." "Danny Glover is 64. He spent the day not taking calls from Mel Gibson." "And Alex Trebek turned 70. He walks into a room and says, 'What is why did I come in here?' He's truly playing Final Jeopardy."

Jay Leno: "Rob Blagojevich didn't testify at his trial. He'd sold the seat he was supposed to sit in for $100,000." "An Amish teenager led police on a chase in his horse and buggy. His parents are so furious they've taken away his butter churn." "Facebook has passed  500 million members. Just six years ago people had real lives." "26% of women have cried after a haircut, while 98% have cried after a Brazilian wax." Guest Wanda Sykes: "My wife and I have white babies. Madonna, Angelina and Sandra Bullock had already taken all the black babies. I started a college fund for them. You have to do that with white babies."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tropical storm Bonnie is on its way to the Gulf Coast. I think God is telling us He really doesn't want Lindsay Lohan in jail.""Comic-Con is sort of the Super Bowl for guys who'd never go to the Super Bowl. A jock got into Comic-Con today and ended up with $175,000 in lunch money." "Facebook now has 500 million users, breaking the old record set by heroin."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Obamas are going on vacation to the Gulf Coast, a great place to kick back and relax. Just ask BP." "An iPhone app now lets you buy a car online. It's bad enough when you butt-dial an old girlfriend. It's a great app to have in the daytime, but not so good at 3 in the morning." "A French train ran into a shampoo truck. Some passengers are in critical conditioner." "Two more masseuses have accused Al Gore of sexual misconduct. Bill Clinton said, 'The pupil has surpassed the master.'"

Craig Ferguson: "I'm going to Comic-Con as Jabba the Slut."

Friday, July 23
(Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, David Letterman & Jimmy Kimmel off)

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "'Salt' is an Angelina Jolie action thriller originally written for Tom Cruise, but they needed someone who doesn't run like a girl. Angelina said she wanted to be a female James Bond. Isn't that Daniel Craig?"

Jay Leno: "There's now a special car wash machine that massages cows and increases milk production. That's what they should have used on Al Gore." "Snooki of 'Jersey Shore' says she's tired of fame and misses the days when she was unknown. So do we." "Pear-shaped women have the worst memories. Unless you call her pear-shaped. She'll remember that until the day she dies." "Romance novels are bad because they give women unreasonable expectations. It's what porno films do for men."

Jimmy Fallon: "There's a rumor Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin are going to take all their kids camping in Alaska. It must be true. Sarah Palin hasn't refudiated it." "A woman is suing an airline for $5 million for lost luggage. The airline said that's a ridiculous amount for luggage. She said, 'Now you know how we feel.'" "Justin Bieber is making his acting debut on 'CSI.' they investigate what his forehead looks like. A Harry Potter lightning bolt? A James Manson swastika?" "A man in a Darth Vader costume robbed a bank. The bank manager says, 'Catch him we must.'"

Craig Ferguson: "The movie 'Salt' opens today. In a world where food needs more flavor, one condiment makes you thirsty." "In 'Salt' Angelina Jolie might be a spy. She might not be a spy. She's spy-curious." "Tabloids sometimes just make things up. 'Craig Ferguson Seen Naked at Whole Foods.' A lie! I was wearing socks. Well, a sock."

Joan Rivers on David Letterman: Joan brought on a little box with some of her husband Edgar's ashes and scattered them around to show him she was back on late-night after having been banned for ten years. Dave protested he hadn't banned her. Joan: "The other one, the one who's not funny. Leno." On plastic surgery: "I'm afraid when I get to heaven God won't recognize me." "You go in the kitchen; the dog throws up; you know it's time for another little tweak." On dating older men: "My date died at the restaurant!" Dave: "That puts a black eye on the whole evening." Joan: "And I had to reach into his pocket for the American Express card." "I didn't watch the World Cup: "If I want to see foreigners running around screaming I'll go to Arizona." Because Joan Rivers is not her real name security held her in Costa Rica as a suspected terrorist. "Would a terrorist order a kosher meal?" "In Costa Rica we went swimming with the sharks. I stayed close to the fattest woman I could find." "My daughter Melissa thinks I tried to have an abortion, just because she was born with a coat hanger in her ear." "I don't want Mel Gibson to find his feminine side. He'd probably beat the crap out of it. His bumper sticker says, 'My other car is an oven.'"

Mel Gibson Dating a Gay Man: click for great video.

Monday, July 26

Strangie to Jimmy Kimmel: "Facebook has passed 500 million members, which would make it the third-largest country on earth, and by far the least productive."

Jon Stewart: To John Oliver: "You're running an illegal alpaca fighting club in the studio?" John Oliver: "No, Jon, I close the studio down for 3 hours every day because this job requires so much rehearsal." Wyatt Cenac: "Like when a racist talks to a black person he tends to lean away." Jon was leaning away. Jon: "What if I'm mad at a black guy but not because he's black?" Wyatt: "You mean LeBron." Clip of Glenn Beck saying: "Mel Gibson is disturbed and a racist."

Stephen Colbert showing himself holding up a giant bass he caught on his vacation: "What a tragedy if this bass had died in oil instead of being fried in it." Stephen held next to his face a paper with squares showing different colors of tan. "I think I'm 'Show me your papers' tan, not 'areola' tan or 'Snooki' tan."

David Letterman: "Lindsay Lohan gets out of jail this week. Lock your doors, America. L.A. is putting on 300 extra bartenders." "'Salt' is so fast-paced you won't realize it makes no sense until you're already in the parking lot." "All our Afghani secrets have been leaked, but Chelsea Clinton's wedding plans are still secret." "President Obama is going on 'The View' and then Fox's 'The Narrow View.' 'The View's' never had a sitting President. Wait, I bet Barbara Walters has." "The new iPhone 4 doesn't like to be held." A stagehand said his worked perfectly, then suddenly burst into flames and ran around the stage.

Jay Leno: "Tony Hayward is stepping down from BP. Wait a minute. He's British. He's rich. He's hated. I'll bet he's going to replace Simon Cowell." "Kate Gosselin and her kids are going to vacation with Sarah Palin in Alaska. Makes sense. Kate was John McCain's 2nd choice. "Sarah's future son-in-law. Levi Johnston says he wants to get his GED and become an electrician. If he does either of those things we'll be shocked."
Headlines: "Squirrels Will Attack Loose Nuts." "Brazilian With Ear Infection Gets Vasectomy by Mistake." Ad for a "drama dairy camel." Employment ad: "Are you self-motivated and goat oriented?" Restaurant advertised "prison quality food."

Jimmy Kimmel: "On 'The Bachelorette' tonight all the rejects talked to us, and I think we all emerged a little dumber." "At Comic-Con a guy at a Green Hornet seminar was stabbed with a pen by a guy in a Harry Potter T-shirt. Hundreds of superheroes around, but nobody helped him." "President Obama is going on 'The View,' so he's officially cheating on Oprah."

Jimmy Fallon: "All the secrets of Afghanistan have been leaked on Wikileaks. I breezed through the first 90,000 documents. It's like 'Harry Potter.'" "'Inception' has already taken in $144 million, surpassing the studio's wildest dream within a dream within a dream." "There's a new hotel in Britain just for cats. It's called Susan Boyle's House."

Craig Ferguson: "BP's Tony Hayward has been reassigned to Russia. No one will notice. They already have a Black Sea. It was to be announced tomorrow, but this is BP, so the story leaked." "I wanted to see the Afghan secrets on Wikileaks, but I accidentally went to Rickyleaks and spent the day looking at Ricky Martin." "You know how you break up and then all your friends tell you things? 'Why didn't you tell me she was sleeping with all my friends!?' 'Well, you seemed so happy. And I like that thing she did with her finger.'"  "The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree." A woman e-mailed: "What kind of tattoo should I get?" Craig: "I've always wanted an entire English fox hunt on my back: people on horses, and hounds, and at the bottom the fox's tail just disappearing." Guest Steve Carell: "Paul Rudd has a big bushy beard too now." Craig: "On his face?"

.

Tuesday, July 27

Strangie to David Letterman: "Willie Nelson says he's happy he's finally outlived his penis."

Jon Stewart
: "Afghanistan: Best Leak Ever: The leaker was BRADASS87, and he gave his rank, so the military just looked for a Brad of that rank who was born in 1987. Meanwhile, the oil leak has finally stopped. Oils well that ends well."

Stephen Colbert: "BP capping the leak is cause for celebration, but if you're in the Gulf, no fireworks." "The Wikileaks were unvarnished reports from actual soldiers. This is outrageous. First no body armor and now our soldiers aren't varnished?"

David Letterman: "When it's 95 degrees you want to hang around Dr. Phil, because he has no degrees." "King Tut's chariot will be in New York for 2 weeks. Then it goes back to Jay Leno's garage. It's the chariot King Tut used on his first date with Barbara Walters." "Elmhurst, Illinois, is outlawing eye-rolling. But what if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks Sarah Palin was a good choice? Or Mel Gibson says he was quoted out of context?" "90,000 pages of Chelsea Clinton's wedding plans have been leaked."

Jay Leno: "Wikileaks is so embarrassing Joe Biden moves down a notch." "Southwest kicked off a thin passenger for a fat one who took up two seats. They knew they could sell her more snacks." "A man in a Darth Vader costume robbed a bank. I'm guessing his mom drove the getaway car." "Why have we had the most no-hitters in 20 years? It's like looking for a syringe in a haystack."

Jimmy Kimmel: "People are upset about Paris Hilton seemingly giving a Nazi salute on a yacht. Yes, the Nazi's once invaded Paris, but who hasn't?" "Microsoft is announcing its new slogan: Control - Alt - Delete."

Jimmy Fallon: "Mark Ruffalo will be the new Incredible Hulk. Mel Gibson said, 'Didn't they even listen to my audition tape?'" "Two years from today will be the start of the 2012 London Olympics. The Chinese women's gymnastics team celebrated by being born."

Craig Ferguson: "CBS is excited that Justin Bieber is making his acting debut on 'CSI.' He'll make murder more adorable." "A man robbed a bank wearing a clown outfit and fake breasts. It wasn't about the money, was it?" "I'm a little like a penguin myself, because I like regurgitated fish."

Wednesday, July 28

Strangie to Jay Leno: "If the new law kicks in, what happens in Arizona stays in Mexico."

Jon Stewart: "Glitzkreig: Gay Reichs:" Title of segment with guy who thought Hitler and all the top Nazi's were vicious homosexuals.

Stephen Colbert: "President Obama is blowing off the Boy Scout Jamboree, once again disrespecting our men in uniform."

David Letterman: "Elmhurst, Illinois, has outlawed eye-rolling. But what will they do if Jay Leno comes to town and says, 'Conan and I both got screwed?'" "Chelsea Clinton is getting married Saturday. I don't know the name of the winning Bachelor. Security is extremely high to keep Bill away from the bridesmaids."

Jay Leno: "That Harlem Congressman? Only in Congress can you make a deal with the Ethics Committee." "BP lost $17 billion last quarter. Tiger Woods said, 'Join the club.'" "Continental Airlines has announced self-boarding. Terrorists can now fly hassle-free." "A study found terrible food sanitation at baseball stadiums. The fans are getting more runs than the players."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The President of Iran is lashing out at Paul the Psychic Octopus as symbolizing everything wrong with the West. Obviously he's never seen 'Jersey Shore.'" "Another Mel Gibson tape. Maybe BP should drill a relief well in Mel." "They're still talking about who's going to take over for Simon Cowell. Those are some big nipples to fill."

Jimmy Fallon: "BP's Tony Hayward said he's being unfairly demonized, and demons protested at being compared to Tony Hayward." "Chelsea and Hillary Clinton will be in designer gowns for the wedding, and Bill will be in a breakaway tux." "President Obama taped his appearance on 'The View' today. Whoopi asked about the economy. Joy asked about the war, and Elizabeth asked to see his birth certificate." "Al Gore is being investigated for those sexual harassment allegations, but both investigators fell asleep after five minutes."

Craig Ferguson: "Today is Peruvian Independence Day, and they had a huge celebration, even though their biggest source of revenue is presently in the L.A. women's jail." "A guy in Fresno at a garage sale bought some photos that turned out to be by Ansel Adams, worth $200 million. I like garage sales: looking in strangers' drawers, pawing their junk."

Daniel Tosh on "Tosh.0:" "Comedy isn't easy or Chelsea Handler would do it."

Thursday, July 29

Strangie to Craig Ferguson: "'Jersey Shore's' star is Snooki, who has thick, heavily sculpted hair. I never noticed. I'm not a leg man."

Jon Stewart: "President Obama appeared on 'The View,' a program about the misadventures of the world's unluckiest couch. Fox News criticized him for losing dignity. Hey, at least he waited until Star Jones was gone." "Goldman Sachs bet that the housing market would tank." Showed clip of newscaster saying, "Goldman Sachs cheered when the housing market collapsed." Jon: "Those weren't cheers. Those were orgasms."

Stephen Colbert: "Much of the leaked Gulf oil seems to be missing. That sounds like a good thing. Out of sight, out of pelican."

David Letterman: "'Jersey Shore' had its season premiere, so apparently the containment cap didn't work." "Arizona swapped ten illegal aliens for four Russian spies." "President Obama appeared on 'The View.' See! He is willing to face radical extremists." "Chelsea Clinton is getting married this weekend to Levi Johnston. There's a star-studded guest list. LeBron James will RSVP on an hour-long ESPN special." Small Town News: "Is cremation your choice? Attend a free luncheon at Memaw's Bar-B-Q." "Fourth Annual pelling Bee."

Jay Leno: "Because of Arizona's new immigration law many illegal aliens have returned to their homeland, L.A." "Lap dancers in Las Vegas are making 50% of what they used to, so now you get a half-assed job." "A 104-year-old British woman, the oldest person on Twitter, has died. Her last tweet? 'I've fallen and I can't get up.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "'Jersey Shore' has moved to Miami. Well, as long as they still have a quiet place to vomit. The odd thing is that the show isn't in HD. It's in VD. Protesters say it presents Italian-Americans in an unfavorable light. I think it just presents people in an unfavorable light." "President Obama appeared on 'The View' this morning, and Oprah threw a Ming vase through one of her Picasso's." "President Bush's memoirs are coming out just before the fall elections, and many Republicans are afraid they will remind Americans of President Bush."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama admitted on 'The View' this morning that he doesn't know who Snooki is. That's OK. After five drinks, neither does she." "Two babies were mixed up in the hospital, and one of them was breast-fed by the wrong mother. The baby said, 'Hell yes I did.'" "Simon Cowell's replacement on 'American Idol' will be announced on Monday. No word on who will replace the audience." A new show 'Mike & Molly' is about two plus-sized people in love. It's being called an innovative concept by critics who never saw 'Roseanne.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Scientists today said an asteroid could destroy the earth in 2082. BP said, 'Been there, done that.' Do you think scientists just make stuff up sometimes? 'Uh oh, comet coming. We're going to need a grant." "Leo DiCaprio has dropped out of Mel Gibson's Viking movie, but Mel doesn't know. Everyone's afraid to call him." "'Jersey Shore' has returned. I don't want to be too hard on those brain-dead herpes-breeders." 

Friday, July 30
(John Stewart, Stephen Colbert, David Letterman & Jimmy Kimmel off)

Strangie to Jimmy Fallon: "A woman gave birth in a Starbucks restroom, and the baby was huge. I mean venti."

Jay Leno: "New York City has a huge infestation of bedbugs. Evidently they don't want to live in New Jersey." "There's a new beer with cheese in it. Didn't that used to be called vomit?" "Snooki was arrested for disorderly conduct. She was described as 'orange and dangerous.'" "Tony Hayward says that now he regrets BP's slogan: 'Safety Third.' They asked him why he didn't fire BP's safety inspectors. He said, 'First we'd have had to hire some.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Chelsea Clinton will have four bridesmaids, and Bill will have two." "A town in New Jersey is using a device to warn residents about lightning. It's called thunder." "A teenager in Nebraska stole an ice cream truck. Not for the ice cream. He just liked the song." "Thank you to the term 'outstanding debt' for making it sound like owing people money is awesome."

Craig Ferguson: "The new movie 'Cats & Dogs' should do well. Who doesn't like cats and dogs? OK, Al Qada, Kim Jong Il and the guy who runs BP. I have three dogs. Well, two and a half. One dog is very farty. He's half Larry King. Bob Barker always wanted you to neuter your pets. When he left 'The Price Is Right' you know what they found in his dressing room? A drawer full of dog nards. And next day in the CBS cafeteria it was Meatball Day."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "'American Idol' is looking for a judge with a better ear for music than Elllen DeGeneres. Maybe Marlee Matlin."

For each day's funniest zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

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