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America's Top Late-Night-TV Zingers

Amassed and rated by Strange de Jim

July 2009

July wins: Letterman 7, O'Brien 7, Fallon 2, Kimmel 1, Stewart 1, Ferguson 1, Colbert 1

July 31 winner: Conan O'Brien: "China has closed its new Love Land Sex Park. Everyone was grossed out by Splash Mountain."

 

July 1, 2, 3 Dave. Conan, Jimmy, Jimmy, Craig and I were all on vacation.

Monday, July 6 winner: David Letterman: "Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is stepping down. Something I said?"

Tuesday, July 7 winner: Conan O'Brien: "On his trip President Obama met with one Russian leader, then screwed off his head and met with a slightly smaller Russian leader."

Wednesday, July 8 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Oscar Meyer's funeral is going to be open bun."

Thursday, July 9 winner: David Letterman: Top Ten Reasons To See The New Movie "Bruno": 6. Don't you want to see a crazy gay Austrian who isn't the governor of California?

Friday, July 10 winner: Conan O'Brien: "The Octomom thought she was being haunted by a ghost. She heard a voice calling, 'Mommy.' Turned out it was just the wind whistling through her uterus."

Monday, July 13 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "Cops today went after some Levitra thieves. Not right away, but when the moment was right for them."

Tuesday, July 14 winner: Conan O'Brien: "The man with the world's largest penis was denied a role on the new show 'Hung.' But I'm not at all bitter." Andy Richter: "If that were true, would you need all this?" (Indicates elaborate new set.)

Wednesday, July 15 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "They ought to restore the balance in the celebrity universe by giving Michael Jackson's kids to Jennifer Aniston."

Thursday, July 16 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "Police were forced to kill three cougars that were menacing humans. So next year the show will just be 'Desperate Housewife.'"

Friday, July 17 winner: David Letterman: "There are only four phone booths left in all of New York City. There's almost no place left to urinate."

Monday, July 20 winner: "The Daily Show:" Guest Brian Williams: "I wanted to be Walter Cronkite. For me he was sort of like Carrot Top is to you." Jon Stewart: "And how does it feel to have fallen so short?"

Tuesday, July 21 winner: Craig Ferguson: "Today is Belgian Independence Day. Belgium is where you go for a little while before you go someplace else. It's the Jennifer Aniston of countries."

Wednesday, July 22 winner: David Letterman: "Solar eclipse in Asia yesterday. Rush Limbaugh says it proves the unreliability of solar power."

Thursday, July 23 winner: David Letterman: "Amy Winehouse launched a new fragrance. I'll just bet she did."

Friday, July 24 winner: David Letterman: "Sarah Palin says she's leaving office to spend more time tracking down her escaped son-in-law."

Monday, July 27 winner: Conan O'Brien had William Shatner deliver Sarah Palin's farewell speech verbatim in the style of a beatnik coffee house poetry reading with bongos.

Tuesday, July 28 winner: Stephen Colbert: "I'm upset at Obama's profiling of Officer Crowley. A President shouldn't get involved in a local city-specific incident. President Bush never did, no matter how flooded the city got."

Wednesday, July 29 winner: David Letterman: "Swimmer boy Michael Phelps lost a big race to a German, but the German was wearing a buoyant, friction-reducing, polyurethane suit. I know that helps, because I wore one on my wedding night."

Thursday, July 30 winner: Conan O'Brien: "Obama's Beer Summit got off to a rough start when a neighbor called the police and said Gates was breaking into the White House."

Friday, July 31 winner: Conan O'Brien: "China has closed its new Love Land Sex Park. Everyone was grossed out by Splash Mountain."

Monday, July 6
(Jon, Stephen, Jimmy and Jimmy were all on vacation this week.)

David Letterman: "In the Coney Island contest Joey Chestnut ate 68 hot dogs in 6 minutes. This is why the rest of the world hates us. And good news, girls. He's single." "Ryan Air is offering standing room on its planes. But if you have sky miles you can upgrade to squatting." "Governor Mark Sanford didn't enjoy this 4th of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina." "President Obama is in Russia, though he told his staff he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Russia has agreed to produce fewer nuclear warheads and more hot tennis babes. We know Obama is in Russia, because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house. She's stepping down, so Miss Congeniality becomes Governor of Alaska. She's leaving to go on our new 'Sarah & Dave Show,' 10 p.m. on CBS. You know, she'd have been the most attractive Vice President since Spiro Agnew."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama is in Russia, where he can see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska. Sarah Palin says she polled her children, and even they knew she was in over her head." "Larry King is covering Michael Jackson's funeral for CNN. He says it's the biggest funeral he's attended since Stonewall Jackson's." "South Carolina Governor Mark Stanford spent the weekend with his wife and four sons, or as he calls it, a total waste of time." "A customer at Six Flags got into a fight with employees who caught him smoking pot. He said it was because of the signs saying, 'You must be this high to go on this ride.'" "A reality show in Turkey features clerics trying to convert atheists. It's the only show with an actual lightning round."

Craig Ferguson: "Sarah Palin is stepping down as Governor of Alaska, so the job now goes to Lt. Governor Chilly Willy." "Over the weekend I was performing for the troops in Kosovo. It's the weirdest thing. You don't pay taxes on a building until it's finished, so everything's under perpetual construction, like Cher. Sarah Palin had just been in Kosovo. I didn't want her room, because I didn't want to see Russia. They found her thank you letter to the government. They knew it was really hers because she quit three quarters of the way through."

Tuesday, July 7

David Letterman: "Osama bin Laden's first wife, wife #1, is writing a book. She says when he was 16 he wrecked the family camel. The book's being published by Random Cave." "Al Franken was sworn in today as Senator from Minnesota. It was a lovely ceremony, officiated by the Church Lady." "President Obama is in Russia. Today he waved to Sarah Palin. Russia has agreed to reduce production of nuclear warheads and increase production of fruit-flavored vodka." "Sarah Palin has resigned as Governor of Alaska, and insiders say she hopes to become the next Octomom. She's going to take the summer off and then return in the fall in the 10 o'clock spot. Friends say she's resigning because of attacks by the media. Thank God I didn't say anything." "A guy in Germany stole 320,000 doses of Viagra. Authorities say he's armed and dangerous, or he might just look that way." Guest Sacha Baron Cohen on his gay fashionista character Bruno: "Bruno wants to become the biggest Austrian celebrity since Hitler." "No one believed 'Borat' was real until we had two hundred lawsuits." While filming 'Bruno' he hired a security guy to protect him when he enraged a crowd of cage match fans. "His last job had been protecting Enrique Iglesias from flying underwear." Top Ten Messages On Sarah Palin's Answering Machine: 6. "It's Letterman -- we still cool?" 4. "Hi, it's the dry cleaner. Having trouble getting caribou blood out of your Prada jacket." 2. "Schwarzenegger here. If you want a job, California could use a new governor."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama is in Russia where he spoke to the graduating class at a school of economics. He said, 'Can we borrow four trillion rubles?'" "Any 'Lost' fans here?" (Applause) "Then this next joke won't work." "Dane Cook's half-brother has been indicted for stealing $11,000,000 of Dane's money. Dane can't wait to turn it into a mildly amusing comedy routine." "Half of people 75 to 85 years old reported they're still having sex, which explains why your grandparents cover their furniture with plastic."

Craig Ferguson: "'Harry Potter and the Prostate of Fire' opens tonight in London." "The new judge on 'American Idol' has gotten engaged, so there's only one single lady left on the show, Ryan Seacrest." "It's odd they like Michael Jackson so much in Germany, because they have to moonwalk and goose-step at the same time. I once went to a Michael Jackson concert in London, and I was blown away. Two hours of singing, dancing, and crotch-grabbing, and that was just me in the audience. It was at Wembley Stadium, 70,000 people and maybe 300 teeth."

Wednesday, July 8

David Letterman: "We're having a mosquito problem here in New York. They breed and nest in standing water, like my in-laws. And they're brazen. Today a couple of them attacked and flew off with Mayor Bloomberg. The good news, the bloodsuckers are no longer just on Wall Street." "Bernie Madoff hired a prison consultant. I think it's Martha Stewart. Bernie's wife Ruth Madoff got her passport back, so today she flew off to Argentina with the Governor of South Carolina." "Kim Jong Il made a rare public appearance today, and he appeared haggard. The headlines read 'Kim Jong Il Ill.'" "Osama bin Laden's first wife is writing a book. Well, she wants to be on 'Oprah' too. It's called 'Too Fatwah to Fish.'" "Al Franken went from being a comedian to being a politician. George W. Bush, the other way around. A lot of comedians are getting into politics. Tina Fey may run for Governor of Alaska. Sarah Palin stepped down, and the next day she went fishing. Was it just me or did other guys have thoughts of her in those waders? She looked so good Russia was watching her. The look is really catching on.' [Showed picture of Statue of Liberty wearing waders.]

Conan O'Brien: "A study found the U.S. is only the world's 114th happiest country. Then Sarah Palin stepped down, and now we're 17th. They say she's working on her memoirs. Alaskans can't wait to read the book and quit halfway through." "President Obama is in Italy for the G8 Summit. He praised Italy for being such great friends with us, except, of course, in every war." "Saddam Hussein's gun is going to be displayed in the George W. Bush Library, right next to the book." "Britney Spears may have converted to Judaism. She was seen wearing a Star of David pendant in a deli where she was ordering kosher pork rinds." "Oscar Meyer died at 95. He's survived by his wife and by everyone who never ate an Oscar Meyer wiener." "Scientists have produced sperm in a laboratory. Shouldn't they have been working instead?"

Craig Ferguson: "Oscar Meyer passed away at 95. I didn't know the man, but I loved his wiener." "The L.A. City Council has declared war on marijuana dispensaries. You know if a man smokes marijuana for too many years ge starts growing boobies. But there's a downside too. I smoked marijuana once, for about eight years, but it made me paranoid. I thought people were watching me. That doesn't happen now [looking into the camera]."

Thursday, July 9

David Letterman: "Sarah Palin may get her own television program, and I was thinking, 'I don't know. She seems pretty camera shy.' Sarah, if you're watching ... (wild applause) be very careful. You can get into a lot of trouble for what you say." "JFK shut down for an hour and a half today, turtles on the runway. Fortunately planes were able to take off and land in the Hudson. 'Turtles on the runway' is usually code for 'the pilot is drunk.'" "O.J. Simpson is 62 today. They had a party, and then out of habit he hid the knife." "Ruth Madoff now only has two and a half million dollars. She's looking at a new little place over at 1 Ponzi Plaza. She's moving on with her life. I hear she's even involved with a guy. What a coincidence; so is Bernie." "Osama bin Laden's first wife has written a book. She says she knew the marriage was in trouble when he said he was going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail." "They're having the big G8 Summit in Italy. Usually there are a lot of protests, but this year there was just a small 'Fire Dave' rally." "A guy in Connecticut showed up for a dentist appointment naked. The worst part is he told the dentist he needed something pulled." Top Ten Reasons To See The New Movie "Bruno" (read by Bruno): 10. It's like Transformers but not as gay. 7. If you ask nicely, the guys behind the candy counter will rub the chemical butter all over your buttocks. 3. Harry Potter isn't the only movie character who's good with his wand. 2. Bruno is a flamboyantly gay entertainer who makes people uncomfortable, like David Letterman.

Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. That'll be perfect for people who find Paula Abdul too coherent." "Nancy Pelosi sees no need for a Congressional tribute to Michael Jackson. It's enough that she's slowly starting to look like him." "The Backstreet Boys are about to launch their Middle-Aged Guys Who Didn't Invest Wisely Tour." "A study has shown that ugly men produce more sperm during sex than attractive men. The good news is they're usually by themselves when this happens."

Craig Ferguson: "I went to Pamplona in the 80s. By the third day I was living in a dumpster and had been gored in the ass twice. Then I went out and ran with the bulls."

Friday, July 10

David Letterman: "Mississippi is the fattest state in the union, and it's no surprise. Right there on the flag it says 'Are you going to finish that?' The people are so out of shape they get winded just spelling 'Mississippi.'" "Ruth Madoff had $80 million, but the feds have taken all but $2.5 million. But with that, plus her Social Security, plus the $10 billion she has stashed in the Cayman Islands, she should be okay. No, listen, Ruth has lost her house, lost her car, lost her savings. It's like being a Bernie Madoff client." "Richard Simmons is 61 today, and good news, girls, he's single!" Top Ten Signs You're Staying At The Same Hotel As Osama Bin Laden: 1. George W. Bush can't find the hotel.

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama met with the Pope today, or as Fox reported it, he was caught with an old man in a dress. Yes, the man many consider infallible met with Pope Benedict. News photos showed Obama apparently checking out a woman's rear end. Usually the only ass he has to keep track of is Joe Biden." "GM emerged from bankruptcy after selling 10,000 Cameros. The President of GM said, 'Thank God for coke dealers!' And scientists say one day cars could be powered by urine. Gas stations will offer regular and asparagus." "When 2,600 lesbians were polled, they said their hero was Angelina Jolie. Number two was the guy who invented the flannel shirt." "Kevin Federline has gained 85 pounds, and now Britney is calling him 'K-Fat.' She was always the clever one in the relationship."

Craig Ferguson: "Lindsay Lohan celebrated her 23rd birthday at a pizza restaurant, but the waitress had a real hard time finding out if she wanted sausage." "A new book is coming out about the bromance between Tom Cruise and David Beckham. It's called 'A Tale of Two Sissies.'" "I was in Austria, and they had porn in the hotels. Not special channels, but right in with the regular TV. And it's the real hard core stuff. I think if we were supposed to be that close to sex our eyes would be closer to our business. A long time ago I had a chance with a beautiful young Austrian girl who grew up to be Wolfgang Puck."

Monday, July 13

David Letterman: "So hot today the flies at the Hello Deli were only landing on the cold cuts. So hot Sarah Palin had to wear sunblock for her rambling press conference. In summer in New York it's like everybody's on vacation. Here, look at the Statue of Liberty."

"And now New York is infested with raccoons. Sure enough, in Central Park today the vendors were selling kung pao raccoon. There was also a raccoon spotted in Greenwich Village, but it was just a guy in Liza Minnelli make-up." "Ruth Madoff had $80 million of her own, but the feds took it all except for $2.5 million. Last night she was at California Pizza Kitchen with coupons, expired coupons. She likes the chicken ponzi. Her favorite store, by the way, is Bed, Bath & Embezzle." "Osama bin Laden has put out a new tape, and they know it's new because in it he says 'Bruno' isn't as funny as 'Borat.' If you want to hear the new tape you first have to confirm him as a friend on Facebook." "If you're interested in the Sonia Sotomayor Supreme Court hearings you can watch them live on CSPAN-Dos." "Today it was so bright and clear you could even see what Dick Cheney was up to. For eight years he had his own counterterrorism program with the CIA and told them not to tell Congress. They tried to reach him for comment today, but his staff said he was out hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Eight years, and the only thing anybody knew is that it was called 'Operation Hunting Accident.'" "The Obama's met with the Pope. Who would have thought the Pope would be knocked out by Michelle Obama? But look at him today."

Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses: 10. Was going to make it public, but then I remembered I'm an evil bastard. 6. Hellooo -- everything I do is illegal. 2. Dude, bros before hos. 1. If I announced every evil thing I did, I wouldn't have time to shoot old guys in the face.

Jon Stewart: "Half Baked Alaska: Sarah Palin resigned while we were on vacation so she could run for President. She appeals to people who admired Bush's certainty but were bothered by his intelligence and coherence." Correspondent Samantha Bee announced Sarah is also stepping down as her children's mother. Then they showed the photo on the front page of the "New York Times" of Sarah signing a baby. Jon asked Senator Barney Frank about the economy, and he replied with the line Henny Youngman used when people asked, "How's your wife?" "Compared to what?" At the end Jon said, "I don't know whether to hug you or be mad at you." Barney: "My boyfriend's right here, and he often doesn't know either."

Stephen Colbert: "Today we saw the death of the coverage of Michael Jackson's death."

Conan O'Brien: "Today started the Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings. She comes from the Bronx, where she presided over the famous case You Shut Up v. No, You Shut Up." "After returning from his suspension for taking female fertility drugs Manny Ramirez is playing incredibly well. He's had great support from his coaches, his teammates, and his bra." Some audience members booed. Andy Richter: "They're not booing. They're going, 'Boobs, boobs.'" Conan: "President Obama has named as his Surgeon General pick a doctor from rural Alabama who actually makes house calls. Of course in Alabama that means the house comes to you." "California is having a financial crisis so severe they're having to consolidate services. The worst idea is the new Department of Education, Alcohol and Firearms." "Mexico City has just opened a Museum of Drugs. It's housed inside the Museum of Condoms." "The new girlfriend of Jon of 'Jon & Kate + 8' was once arrested for drugs. Jon says he doesn't care what she takes as long as it's not fertility drugs." "Here's the new New Jersey Quarter. It says, 'Using Bruce Springsteen to cover the smell for over 35 years.' And the new Wisconsin quarter says, 'Wisconsin, where toes are just a myth.'" Guest Bill Engvall sells "I'm Stupid" signs at his concerts, $1 each or two for $5.

Jimmy Fallon: "Joe Biden's wife had arm surgery to repair a repetitive stress injury to her elbow from having to nudge him to shut up." "An Austin, Texas, guy was arrested for shoplifting beer in his underwear. All he said to the cops was, 'Look, beer nuts!'" "Tomorrow is the All-Star Game, or as the Mets call it, vacation."

Craig Ferguson: "'Bruno' isn't realistic. If all gay people were like Bruno no one would get anything done. They'd be too busy having sex and being fabulous." "We Scottish people are supposed to have a special relationship with sheep. I'm not interested in sheep. I've been hurt too many times. I can't even wear wool socks without crying." Guest Selma Blair: "What did Jesus say to the Teamsters? 'Don't do anything until I get back.'"

Special Report on Bruno's Cover Interview for the August Issue of Out

Bruno's cover interview for the August "Out" is just one funny line after another. Here are just a few quotes.

About his first real boyfriend, who killed himself after Bruno broke up with him: "In ze note he left, ich vas mentioned five times -- his mother vas only mentioned once! No big deal, vassever."

Mo Rocca: "And how would you describe your own fashion sensibility?"
Bruno: "Mein philosophy is treat your clothes like you would do a pet -- love zem for a week, zen stick zem in ein plastic bag and throw zem in ze Danube."

[Austrian fashion] "As well as creating ze entire look for World Var II, Austria has a very influential Vienna Fashion Week. We also have a Vienna Fascism Week. It's similar, just less black models."

Mo: "Speaking of black women, any fashion advice for Michelle Obama?"
Bruno: "Ja -- shtop hanging around Barack! Firstly, he's so HOT he makes you look frumpische, und secondly, just 'cause he had sex with you on two occasions ten und eight years ago to further his career, it doesn't mean you're going to turn him. Let him go! If he wanted a beard, he'd grow one!"

[On his TV hopes] "Ich am hoping to do an American version of Austria's most popular reality show, 'Ze Amazing Master Race.'"

Mo: "And if Bruno were to have sex with a woman?"
Bruno: "Zat's just not going to happen. Mein female freund in Vienna, Framke, keeps BEGGING me to give her a baby -- she even asked my last boyfreund to throw up in her vageena. But zere's just no way."

[With Arnold Schwarzenegger at the Mr. Universe contest in 1983] "He was competing for the very last time and was just overweight for his division. He needed to lose two ounces in five minutes -- Bruno was only too happy to help out."

[On New York] "Zhere are so many different kinds of guys -- black, white, Asian. It is like putting mein face in ein bowl of Neopolitan ice cream, und just as messy!"

Tuesday, July 14

David Letterman: "It was so nice in New York today the new Times Square pedestrian mall was clothing optional. Mayor Bloomberg was in Ben & Jerry's. He's so short, to see over the counter he had to stand on his wallet. And here's the Statue of Liberty today."

"Ruth Madoff was at the California Pizza Kitchen today. Her favorite dish is fettuccine al fraudo. They moved Bernie Madoff to a prison near Atlanta, so it'll be harder for Ruth to visit him. Finally things are starting to go Bernie's way. Let's see how much time Bernie has left."

"And let's see how much time we have until we show the clock again."

"Last night was the All-Star Home Run Derby. The winner had 23 home runs. He gets a trophy and Madonna." "Turns out Dick Cheney had his own personal assassination squad. To make the squad you had to survive a hunting trip with Cheney." "Day two of the Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings, and she blew the lid off the place. She opened with 'I Dreamed a Dream.' The Republicans are upset because she isn't phrasing her answers in the form of a question." "Today President Obama was giving a speech and his teleprompter exploded. What kind of a guy needs a machine to tell him what to say and can't think on his Ñ flip the card Ñ feet? A teleprompter is a machine that tells you what to say. In George Bush's case it was Dick Cheney." "Today a woman in a stall in a public restroom dropped her gun, and it went off and shot the person in the stall next to her. I know what you're thinking, 'Poor Larry Craig.' But it wasn't Larry Craig. He was in his summer stall out on Fire Island. But a woman drops her gun and it goes off, and I said, 'Nice going, Governor Palin.'" Top Ten Signs Sonia Sotomayor Is Getting Cocky: 10. Addressed senators with "Whaddaya say, meat?" 7. Turned surprisingly hostile when told "No open containers." 4. Kept referring to Al Franken as "Church Lady." 1. Took the day off to go salmon fishing with Sarah Palin.

Jon Stewart: "White Men Can't Judge: The Republicans are in a quandary about Sonia Sotomayor. They like her racism. They just don't like her race."

Stephen Colbert: "The Supreme Court confirmation hearing was so boring it was like watching Ambien-colored paint dry."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama's teleprompter fell to the ground today and shattered. Meanwhile, Joe Biden's teleprompter is being treated for depression." "It turns out Sonia Sotomayor is a Yankees fan. That's good. They really need a strong lefty off the bench." "Bill Clinton today said he supports gay marriage. He's still strongly opposed to straight marriage." "Ryan Seacrest signed a new contract for 'American Idol,' and he'll also be in a police thriller 'Officer Lady Jeans.'" "Pet Airways, the new airline for animals had its first flight delayed two hours as the plane sniffed the tail on another plane." "The gay penguins in the San Francisco Zoo have split up. They were tired of always showing up in the same outfit."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Even the leading Republican said Sotomayor would be confirmed unless she had a total meltdown, in which case she'd be named Governor of Alaska."

Jimmy Fallon: "Sarah Palin's friends are worried that she's pale and her hair is thinning. It's just part of her secret plan to run in 2012 as John McCain." "President Obama's teleprompter fell during a speech on the economic crisis. Even speeches on the economy fail." "When Paula Abdul was told about Ryan Seacrest's new 'American Idol' contract she said, 'What? I'm fine to drive.'" "Larry King's wife will be in the new Broadway show 'Spiderman.' She's an expert at clearing away spiderwebs."

Craig Ferguson: "Today is National Nude Day, so you people at home, take off your clothes. Ooh, you look good. You too, ladies." "Today is Bastille Day to commemorate the start of the French Revolution. Then came Napoleon. They got rid of him and then brought him back at 10 o'clock on NBC." Guest Charlie Viracola: "I don't think I'll ever father a child. In this economy it costs too much to get a woman drunk." "The hotel asked if I wanted the porn channel disabled. It sounded a little kinky, but I decided I'd try it." "When I was younger I had an endless supply of drugs and alcohol, and then they cut the umbilical cord."

Wednesday, July 15

David Letterman: "Here's how sunny it was today in New York."

"Have you been watching the Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings? Good news, the FDA has just approved a new non-drowsy version of Sen. Orrin Hatch. Sonia has been getting more and more confident. In fact, today she showed up wearing the yellow jersey." "Did you see the All-Star Game last night? President Obama threw out the first pitch, and because they were in a National League park he also had to bat. The 'New York Times' said Obama threw a strike. The 'Daily News' said he threw a ball. The 'Post' said he made out with Kate Hudson." "They've moved Bernie Madoff to North Carolina. He's in a 10' X 12' cell, with a roommate, nothing but a cot and a toilet. He's living like most of his former clients. He says he likes North Carolina and would like to buy a place and settle down there in 2159. His wife Ruth Madoff likes to eat at the California Pizza Kitchen. Her favorite dish is the veal scalloponzi." "The new Harry Potter movie is out. It's rated PG for language, scary images and mild sensuality. Sounds like my honeymoon. In this one Harry goes up against Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad. Everybody has Harry Potter fever. Did you go to the Harbor today?

And going to work on the subway this morning I saw a guy showing people his wand." "Paul McCartney is on the show tonight. I just saw him backstage and he said, 'Boy, Ed, you look terrible.' He's been knighted, you know, so he's Sir Paul. I get that sometimes: 'Sir, step out of the car.' 'Sir, Hooters is closing.' 'Sir, your Viagra is ready.'" Guest Paul McCartney on having appeared on that very stage 45 years ago on the 'Ed Sullivan Show:' "The stage manager asked, 'Are you nervous?' I squeaked, 'No.' He said, 'Well, you should be. There're 73,000,000 people watching!" Dave: "You won't have that problem tonight."
Top Ten Ways Bruce Willis Is Spending His Summer (delivered by Bruce Willis): 9. I'm hosting several "fire David Letterman" rallies 8. I believe the technical term is "chillaxing." 4. I'll be losing those last five pounds for bikini season. 3. I will be in the front row at every Jonas Brothers concert, baby! 1. Agreeing to do a lame Top Ten list just so I can meet Paul McCartney.

Jon Stewart: "President Obama was at the All-Star Game to throw out the ceremonial first pitch, the way the Queen of England throws the first punch at a soccer riot."

Conan O'Brien: "The Democrats have a thousand-page health bill. To get people to read it they're calling it 'Harry Potter and the Half Pound Proposal.'" "Nine shark attack survivors are going to be testifying on a shark-fishing bill. The group is led by Torso Jones." "Levi Johnson, the father of her daughter's baby said Sarah Palin couldn't handle the Presidency. 'Now, where did I leave that baby?'" "Krispy Kreme is giving an award to their most loyal customer, or, more likely, to his widow."

Jimmy Fallon: "Bill Clinton now says he supports gay marriage, although he opposed it when he was President. Back then he also opposed his own marriage." "The new girlfriend of Jon of 'Jon & Kate + 8' is upset people are calling her a slutty party girl with an arrest record. She wants to be known as a dirty homewrecker." "A noted Civil War historian died. His funeral will be reenacted every weekend."

Craig Ferguson: "Today is Cow Appreciation Day, so I had a hamburger for dinner." 'Albania has banned the movie 'Bruno.' They said it was full of nudity and gay sex, but there were other things they DIDN'T like." "It's the tenth anniversary of Spongebob Squarepants. I've seen him at Hollywood parties being used to sop up spilled drinks, though he's not as absorbent as he once was. He lives underwater and is a hero to stoners, like Michael Phelps."

"The New Adventures of Old Christine:" Christine: "I'm going to do something I should have done fifteen years ago." Matthew: "Admit you're forty?"

Thursday, July 16

David Letterman: "Sonia Sotomayor is on fire. She's so sure of winning the nomination, today she went outside the Capitol and did a couple of songs standing on the marquee." (The way Paul McCartney did on Dave's marquee the night before.) "Today the whole city has Beatlemania. Anybody go down to the harbor today?"

"Last night's show was so exciting even my Mom switched over from Conan." "I'm happy to announce this show received five Emmy nominations. I was nominated in an unusual category, Best Apology. My old buddy Regis and I were also nominated for Oldest Host. And '30 Rock' got twenty-two nominations. Anybody go to the harbor today?"

"Bernie Madoff's accountant, his little butt boy, got 105 years in prison. Bernie called him and said, 'Since you're getting out ahead of me, could you look in on Ruth?'" "Have you heard about Pet Airways? Flies nothing but pets. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why the rest of the world hates us. When there's turbulence the captain turns on the 'Sit' sign." "Amy Winehouse is divorced. She was shocked. She had no idea she was married. They reached an amicable agreement. Every week the guy gets to visit that thing on her head." "Forty years ago we landed on the moon. On TV we saw that bleak barren landscape. Have you seen it today?"

"It's forty years since we put a man on the moon, and now our goal is to put a man on Sonia Sotomayor." Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Wizard Movie: 8. Uses his power to transform Times Square into pedestrian mall. 7. "Capes" are actually Slankets -- the blanket with sleeves! 4. Instead of broomsticks, they ride Dustbusters. 3. They lose to the Knicks, 110-93 (oh, I'm sorry, that's a sign you're watching a bad Washington Wizards game). 2. Uses cloak of invisibility to sneak into "Bruno."

Conan O'Brien: "California is having a fiscal crisis. One lawmaker wants to legalize and tax marijuana. It's Proposition Fashizzle." "Hillary Clinton's broken elbow is healing nicely. To get back her strength she squeezes a gelatinous ball. It's her own idea to yell, 'Take that, you s.o.b.!'" "John McCain now has a million followers on Twitter. All his tweets are the same: 'The nurse is stealing from me.'" "'Harry Potter' took in $58 million in its first day. Amazing so many Harry Potter fans could clear their schedules on a Wednesday." "Tuesday was National Nude Day, so Wednesday was National Disinfect the Recliner Day." "Paris Hilton posed five times for her drivers license photo. The photographer kept saying, 'Please, Miss Hilton, we need to see your face.'" "Krispy Kreme is running a contest to find their most loyal customer. As if he could hide even if he wanted to."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Earlier tonight here on ABC we had a documentary on 'Harry Potter' author J.K. Rowling. Here she is with her parents, Siegfried & Roy. One surprising fact, she cannot read." "California has no money, and they're thinking of selling pot. They'd make billions in taxes and Cheetos sales."

Jimmy Fallon: "Oprah is number one on the 'Forbes' list of women in the media. She celebrated by buying 'Forbes Magazine.'" "Donald Trump is suing a guy for misstating his net worth, but it's taking a long time to comb over the evidence." "Amy Winehouse is divorced, so now they'll be sleeping in separate gutters." "Kim Cattrall has broken up with her 32-year-old boyfriend. They may get back together, but they have a few wrinkles to iron out first."

Craig Ferguson: "Amy Winehouse is divorced. The only problem was fighting over custody of the crack pipe." "This is the 40th anniversary of the moon landing. Some people said it was fake. You can't fake a moon landing! It's not an orgasm! Think of those astronauts. It must be great to look up at the moon and say, 'I've been there.' That's what I say when I see Fabio on TV."

Friday, July 17

David Letterman: "It's so hot today, driving in to work my navigation lady on the GPS said, 'You want to stop for some lemonade?' And did you see the Statue of Liberty today?"

"Forty years ago we put a man on the moon. President Obama says he'd like to put another man on the moon. He's thinking Joe Biden." "My Mom is having her 88th birthday. Here she is from her home in Indianapolis. Do you still like the cage fighting, Mom? What's your philosophy?" Mom: "Take it one day at a time and make the most of it." Dave: "I remember when I took it a week at a time and made very little of it." Guest Tom Arnold said he and Roseanne were to be paid $10 million by Jenny Craig to lose 20 pounds each, but they liked the Jenny Craig desserts and ate lots and lots of them and actually gained weight, so Jenny Craig canceled, but they got to keep the deposit. "So we got paid $2 million for gaining 20 pounds, rather that $10 million for losing it."
Top Ten Ways Dave's Mom Is Celebrating Her 88th Birthday: 10. Driving to area Denny's to get free birthday meals. 9. Checking the Internet to see how much you spent on my gift. 6. Just read my Twitter page, it's all there. 5. Relaxing outside with my pool boy, Ricky. 4. Going to a "fire David Letterman" rally. 3. Spend day fishing with Sarah Palin. 2. I'm gonna watch the kid that replaced Leno.

Conan O'Brien: "It's the 40th anniversary of the moon landing. It's man's greatest achievement, unless you count the time we put the cheese inside the pizza crust. The original moon footage was very grainy, so now they've sharpened it up, and also gotten rid of the moon's acne and given her bigger boobs." "'Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince' took in $58 million the first day, but still wasn't as big as 'Transformer 2.' The producers said, 'If we'd had Megan Fox, Harry would have been the Full Blood Prince.'" "Starbucks is selling alcohol at one of its outlets. After all, sober people don't pay $8 for a cup of coffee." "The Pope fell and broke his wrist. He said, 'Hey, I'm infallible, not unfallable.'" "Today is National Hot Dog Day, and tomorrow is National Ice Cream Day. Sunday is National Type 2 Diabetes Day." "A fashion company is making small television sets into purses, for when you want to look like you just came from a looting." "The ladies' bathroom at the Venetian in Las Vegas has been named the best in the country. But come look at our own men's room. The first stall has your own personal omelet chef. The second stall is a D.M.V. registration booth, and all the toilet paper has photos of Spencer Pratt."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Bill Gates is patenting a way to slow hurricanes. I think a plane drops Windows Vista into the eye, and the hurricane freezes." "It turns out NASA taped over the original footage of the moon landing. No rocket scientists there."

Jimmy Fallon: "Paul McCartney is giving concerts. At last some hits at Citi Field." "A study shows children get sick playing in the sand at the beach from bird droppings and all the garbage. So take the kids to the beach, but just avoid the sand." "It's David Hasselhoff's birthday, so his family took him to his favorite restaurant, the floor." "Starbucks is experimenting with serving beer and wine. It comes in Tall, Grande and Paula Abdul."

Craig Ferguson: "Giant squid are washing up on California beaches. We haven't had so many rubbery blobs washing up on the beach since 'Baywatch.'" "A record was set by 317 people for most naked people in a swimming people. You wouldn't catch me in a pool with all those nuts." "Have you seen the new 'Harry Potter'? Ron Weasley has gone through puberty." Showed photo of Carrot Top. "I've already seen the adult 'Harry Potter': 'Harry Potter and the Wizard's Bone.' Daniel Radcliffe actually appeared nude in 'Equus.' If you're going to appear nude on a stage, don't stand next to a horse. Stand next to a chipmunk, or stand next to anyone who drives a Hummer."

Jim Gaffigan on Comedy Central: "I don't like going to confession. Not that I have any trouble lying to a holy man." "Saint Peter said making Heaven's gates wasn't easy. 'We had to go down to Hell to get a contractor.'" "He did a Jesus joke and got electrocuted. It was the best think I've ever seen." "Mary says, 'I was visited by an angel last night, and now I'm pregnant.' Joseph goes, 'Jesus Christ!' Mary says, 'Oh, you've already heard.'"

Joel McHale on "The Soup" showed a mashup of "Harry Potter" and MTV's "Real World."

 

Monday, July 20

David Letterman: "Welcome to the show. One small step for man, one giant waste of time for mankind." "New York is converting trash dumpsters into swimming pools for kids. Up to now the kids have been using potholes." "Today a New York City call girl said she had sex with Bernie Madoff. Wow, somebody made money from Bernie Madoff?" "Paula Abdul may not be going back to 'American Idol,' which means President Obama will have to nominate a new judge. If Paula does leave, that means the contestants will have to start sleeping with each other." "Senator Larry Craig is having a birthday. The celebration will be in the stall with the yellow balloons." "It's the 40th anniversary of the moon landing. Have you been to the harbor today?"

And on the International Space Station the toilet malfunctioned. Sounds to me like a job for Joe the Plumber." Guest Jeff Altman: "I called the desk at the hotel and told the lady I had a leak in my sink. She said, 'Go ahead.'" "Tonight I should actually be back in L.A. celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary, if I hadn't gotten divorced 12 years ago." "A lot of people don't know this about Richard Nixon, bless him, he's in Heaven now ..." Dave: "I'd like to see the paperwork on that!"
Top Ten Surprises On The NASA Moon Landing Tapes:
10. Neil Armstrong demanded to be addressed as "Spock." 8. Sea of Tranquility had a place where you could rent kayaks. 7. Audible meowing indicates someone brought a kitty. 6. Were supposed to go to Mars, but the men refused to stop and ask for directions. You ladies know! LOL! 4. Someone at NASA taped over the first half with "Gunsmoke." 1. Aldrin admitted taking one giant leap onto Armstrong's wife.

Conan O'Brien: "The toilet in the International Space Station has broken. It's not a problem yet, but Tuesday is Taco Night." "Governor Mark Sanford wrote an apology for cheating on his wife, but I'm not sure he really gets it. The letter starts, 'Dear Penthouse.'" "'Harry Potter' has already taken in over $400 million. And it's even more amazing when you realize not one of those people had a date." "An 81-year-old driver competed in a NASCAR race this weekend. He set a record for most pit stops." "Kid Rock has come out with his own beer, American Badass. It's okay if you like beer that smells like bad ass." "An Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashed into a house, where a man was just praying, 'Dear God, if I'm gay, please give me a sign.'" Guest Adam Sandler. "I have two daughters now, so whenever I see a vagina I just want to powder it." Adam told about his odd jobs and asked about Conan's. Conan: "Oh, I was a male model."

Jimmy Fallon: "It's the 40th anniversary of the moon landing. Poor Michael Collins didn't get to walk on the moon. Man, that's like being designated driver for the greatest night of your buddies' life." "The International Space Station has an overflowing toilet. It's one small poop for Daniel Kind." "Al Roker now has his own show, 'Wake Up With Al.' That's the reason I quit drinking." "Jon Gosselin has moved into an apartment on New York's Upper West Side. Kate and the eight kids have moved into a shoe."

Craig Ferguson: "The International Space Station celebrated the 40th anniversary of the moon landing by unclogging a toilet: 'Houston, don't go in there.'" "There was a big fire today at a medical marijuana facility. It took firefighters 40 pizzas to put out the blaze." "There was no one like Walter Cronkite. He told us men landed on the moon. Today TMZ shows us men landing on Elton John. Back then we'd watch TV as a family. Dad would put on a coat and tie. Mom would put on a pretty dress, and so would I." Guest Margaret Cho: "I enjoy acting, pretending to be someone else. As a comedian I had to pretend to be me." "I just want everyone to want me. I'm not bisexual; I'm Isexual."

Walter Cronkite's favorite joke: "Two Irishmen walked out of a bar. It could happen."

Tuesday, July 21

David Letterman: "It was raining so hard today the 'Fire Dave' rally was moved indoors. Here's how hard it was raining today."

"Did you know they're turning trash dumpsters into swimming pools for kids? Now you don't have to drive all the way to the water park for the kids to get E. coli." "Forty years ago was the moon landing. This was the first time in history three guys went on a business trip and there was no fooling around." "Solar eclipse in India tomorrow. If you want to look directly at it you need a special pair of glasses and a hat that says 'Dumbass.'" "Sunday Sarah Palin goes out on her porch and says good-bye to Russia."

Jon Stewart: "The creators of apps iFart and Pull My Finger are in a fierce copyright battle."

Stephen Colbert: Segment title: "Working on a Cheney Gang." Moon landing: "One step for a man, a giant leap for mankind, followed by four decades of standing around saying, 'Now what?'"

Conan O'Brien: "Arnold Schwarzenegger solved the California budget crisis. Fresno is now part of China." "The three Apollo 11 astronauts were invited to the White House, but Michael Collins had to stay outside circling the block." "In his autobiography Larry King reveals that his life was so messed up he put his daughter up for adoption. She was 72 at the time." "A Florida woman named Kelly Hildebrandt is marrying a man also named Kelly Hildebrandt, whom she met when she googled her own name."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tonight I'm going to do every joke twice. Tonight I'm going to do every joke twice." "Father of the Century Joe Jackson was on Larry King last night."

Jimmy Fallon: "A woman branded herself when she sat on a red-hot penny. Then she sat on a nickel and a dime and got Mount Tushmore." "A man in Canada was arrested for watching porn on DVD while driving. He said he was trying to learn to drive a stick."

Craig Ferguson: "The Smurfs lived in a little village, fifty men and one girl. No wonder they were blue." "The Belgians have been ruled by so many people their coat of arms says, 'Clean up when you're done.'"

Wednesday, July 22

David Letterman: "The murder rate in New York is way down, thanks to Mayor Bloomberg's 'No homicide lane' on Broadway." "Here in New York they're turning dumpsters into swimming pools for kids, and the sewers are now open for white water rafting. If I want to swim in a dumpster I'll just hop into the Hudson." "The Vice President of Iran resigned. That's Iranian for 'shot and thrown out of a car.'" "From Alaska a report that Sarah Palin may have violated ethics laws. Yeah, like I'm going to say something about that." "Remember when President Obama threw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game, and people criticized him for wearing baggy dad jeans. Have you folks been down to the harbor today?"

"Obama said they weren't even his baggy dad jeans. Evidently he borrowed them from Chastity Bono." "If Obama's health care plan passes, he'll have the governor of South Carolina neutered. Lately the governor has been seen without his wedding ring. Gosh, I hope he didn't lose it hiking on the Appalachian Trail. He'll never find it." "Bob Dole is 96. The Army Corps of Engineers conducted a controlled burn on his cake." Friday Dave is having a new segment: "Men and Their Vegetables."
Top Ten Questions On The Surgeon General Application: 6. Do you have a normal looking pair of jeans the President could borrow? 4. McDreamy or McSteamy?

Jon Stewart was amused at a guy identified on a story about Michael Jackson's body as a "celebrity grave expert." Jon: "Michael Jackson's mother wants to sell Michael's bones to the family of the Elephant Man. Payback's a bitch." Guest Kevin Nealon said they'd had autoerotic asphyxiation on 'Weeds.' Kids, don't do it. I'd never do that, unless somebody was already strangling me. Then I might give it a try."

Stephen Colbert: "Cardinal Tunnel Syndrome: The Pope broke his wrist. Dan Brown, start typing." On the solar eclipse: "In China people were delighted to see the sun blotted out by something other than the polluted air. In India it lasted over six minutes, long enough for the population to double."

Conan O'Brien: "In a survey only 2% favored sending a man to Mars. The figure went up to 90% when the man was Spencer Pratt." "President Bush had a weekly teleconference with this head of state, and it always ended the same way, with Bush throwing down his joystick and saying, 'This game is boring.'" "Hillary Clinton was in India during the solar eclipse. Bill Clinton said, 'One thing she's good at is taking the light out of life.'" "Universal is building a Harry Potter theme park in Florida. Signs will say, 'You must be this lonely to ride.'" "A bear in New Jersey attacked a man for his Italian hoagie. The bear was hunted down by the Department of Wildlife and Stereotypes." "Two men in Britain are attempting to row across the English Channel in a boat made entirely of lamb droppings. They said they wanted to drown in the most disgusting way possible." Announcer Andy Richter: "They're going to replace 'Don't ask, don't tell' with 'Drop and give me twenty, and make it fabulous.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "A poll showed 50% of Americans are in favor of universal health care. The other 50& have coverage."

Jimmy Fallon: "Comicon is expecting 125,000 to Asthma Fest '09. It's the biggest virgin, I mean comic book convention in the world." "Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua died at 15. Her last words were, 'Yo quiero morphine.'" "A beautiful sportscaster was secretly filmed undressing in her hotel room, and the tape was posted on the internet. Thank God it didn't happen to John Madden."

Craig Ferguson: "Amy Winehouse has her own perfume. If you want to smell like Amy Winehouse, live in a dumpster for two weeks." "The Taco Bell Chihuahua died and will be put away tomorrow in a taco on a bed of lettuce." "John Dillinger was shot 75 years ago by G-men. And I don't mean gorgeous men or gay men. It's government men. 'G-men? Are they gorgeous?' 'Oh, I wish!' There's a new movie about John Dillinger starring Johnny Depp and Christian Bale. I saw a similar movie starring Johnny Deep and Christian Male."

Thursday, July 23

David Letterman: "Statewide, forty-some people have been arrested in New Jersey on charges of corruption. I said, big deal, call me when there are hookers." "In New York they're getting rid of phone books. So at dinner Mayor Bloomberg is going to have to sit on his money. I never liked the Yellow Pages. The girl who showed up was never the same as the one in the escort ad." "We're having a problem in New York with rabid raccoons, but people have already found a way to cash in on the problem - raccoon dogs."

"Remember a couple of years ago John McCain was running for President, and he needed a date for the ticket, so he got the Governor of Alaska, and they didn't win, but now she's quit, so she's going to turn over her sash and her crown to her successor. There are some ethics violations involved too. I don't know what they are, but for our purposes here, let's say she robbed a gas station. So she's leaving the governor's mansion, next stop Lenscrafters commercial. Sunday's her last day. She's going to go out on the porch and say good-bye to Russia." "A prostitute claims she had sex with Bernie Madoff, and I said, wow, somebody actually made money off Bernie Madoff? Ruth Madoff flew to North Carolina to see Bernie, and it was awkward, meeting his new wife Walt." "The Taco Bell Chihuahua died, and it was a horrible way to go, ruptured chalupa. Here's the odd part. Out of habit, Michael Vick apologized." "We may have killed one of Osama bin Laden's sons, the hot-tempered Sonny bin Laden. His favorite son, of course, is Osama W. bin Laden." "Did you see President Obama's press conference on the health care plan? I think everybody in New York needs health care."

"Republicans are all against the plan, because it doesn't cover breast implants for their mistresses."
Top Ten Surprises In The President Obama News Conference: 10. Began with a moment of silence for the Taco Bell Chihuahua. 6. Wore his skinny jeans. 3. Told everyone to watch "Men and Their Vegetables," Friday on the "Late Show." 2. In one hour, he went through two packs of Camels. 1. Said he's resigning to run for Governor of Alaska.

Jon Stewart on the scrapped F-22 jet: "It killed the Commies all day, slept with the mommies all night."

Stephen Colbert: "Sorry, I have something caught in my throat. Last night Obama tried to jam his health care plan down it."

Conan O'Brien: "ESPN is trying to find out who taped their beautiful reporter undressing in her room. So far they've narrowed it down to Not Clay Aiken." "President Obama's press conference drew 20 million viewers last night. The only other way to draw that many viewers would be to show Spencer Pratt being beaten to death by a naked Megan Fox." "Marijuana is being grown in national parks. Authorities were alerted to the problem when hundreds of bears began following the Dave Matthews Band." "Some New York rabbis were arrested for money laundering. They pled guilty and then proceeded to make everyone else feel even more guilty." "A survey found that in the workplace tall people are considered more valuable than short people, unless the job involves baking cookies in a tree." "A man in California sued a restaurant when he found a condom in his soup. Worse, the waiter was still attached."

Jimmy Fallon: "The average adult forgets three things each day: passwords, recharging his cell phone, and something else." "Brad Pitt said in an interview that he doesn't believe in God. God said, 'After all I've done for him?!'" To guest Kevin Nealon: "This is your first time on the show." Kevin: "Yeah, but I grew up watching you." Kevin: "I think marijuana should be legalized, but only for medicinal purposes. And recreational purposes. Just for those two purposes."

Craig Ferguson: "Today is National Hot Dog Day, so make sure your buns are stuffed with big wieners." "Gay guys and geeks are very similar. For instance, they both have the same amount of sex with women." "More women are going to the big blockbuster movies, drawn by the strong female characters. In 'Star Wars' there's Princess Leia. 'Harry Potter' has Hermione, and 'Lord of the Rings' has Orlando Bloom."

Friday, July 24

David Letterman: "It was so nice today I handed out lemonade at the 'Fire Dave' rally." "You know that pothole on 8th Avenue? It's in all the tourist brochures. They've added chlorine and a lifeguard." "I got a roast beef sandwich at one of those carts today, and the guy asked, 'Would you like onions and garlic with that?' I said sure, so he breathed on it. That joke and I are the same age." "Bernie Madoff is making 14¢ a day sweeping floors in prison, but that's not as much as it sounds, because 8¢ of it goes to Obama's new health plan." "A gun manufacturer is now making a shotgun with a cup holder. They're calling it the Dick Cheney. The recoil puts a wonderful head on your beer." "It's Mick Jagger's 66th birthday. Friends said he was alert, smiling, had a small piece of cake ... And Barry Bonds is 45. He spent the whole day trying to find a party hat big enough for his head. I think everybody's taking steroids. Have you been down to the harbor today?"

"I've always liked green women." "The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, will be stepping down in two days Ñ unless she decides to leave early. She's all packed up and ready to move out of the Governor's Mansion."

"This is the 40th anniversary of the return of the Apollo 11 from the moon. Remember, they were supposed to land in the Pacific, but there was a problem with Canadian geese, and they had to ditch in the Hudson." Guest Nick Griffin: "Brad Pitt is handsome, rich, famous and sleeps with Angelina Jolie. Did he pull a thorn out of God's paw?" Top Ten Things Overheard At Sarah Palin's Farewell Party: 10. "More tiny hot dog appetizers? You betcha." 9. "Don't forget to schedule an appointment with Joe the Mover." 8. "Quiet down! We don't want to wake the Russians." 7. "Todd, I've always wanted to know -- what do you do exactly?" 6. "John McCain passed out in the dip." 5. "Where can I check my pelt?" 4. "Bad news -- the new governor just quit." 3. "Please accept this gift from all of us at Lenscrafters." 2. "'Dancing with the Stars' called, they got your resume." 1. "I haven't seen you since the 'Fire Dave Letterman' Rally."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "'Dating in the Dark' premiered, or as it used to be known, 'Oz.'"

Conan O'Brien: "Marijuana is being grown on federal land. Now, every ninety minutes Old Faithful erupts in giggles." "Denmark hosted the International Gay Games. In this country they're known as the Tony Awards." "China is now encouraging couples to have two children. It doesn't matter if the second child is a boy or a girl, as long as it's a boy. Kobe Bryant was in China this week hosting a kids' basketball clinic. He said it was nice passing the ball to the people who made it." "Today is National Tequila Day. Monday is National Ask for Your Job Back Day." Jimmy Kimmel: "People who call themselves Birthers are claiming President Obama was born in Kenya. If that were true, wouldn't Madonna have adopted him by now?" "Sarah Palin will step down as Governor of Alaska Sunday, leaving us totally unprotected from Russia." Guest Tom Arnold: "My girlfriend is not in her twenties." Jimmy: "When will she be in her twenties?"

Jimmy Fallon: "Japanese scientists have invented a machine that translates animal language. For a dog it can tell you if it's hunger, fear, affection, etc. For a cat it can tell you if it's smugness, apathy, smugness ..." Guest Bob Saget: "My Mom's 84 now and drives with a prescription windshield."

Craig Ferguson: "Two new Mozart symphonies have been discovered. What's peculiar is that one is a duet with Tupac." "There's a new movie 'G-Force' about guinea pig spies. Don't we already have three movies about tiny spies? Yes, the 'Mission Impossible' series. And I hear that gerbils are coming close behind. Now don't go there. That's just an urban myth. But everyone will be wanting guinea pigs as pets now. Just like 'Finding Nemo' sparked a craze for sushi."

Monday, July 27

David Letterman: "The corruption's so bad in New Jersey they even arrested some guys in England in Old Jersey." "Alex Rodriguez is 34 today, and if you want to give him a gift you can't go wrong with clean urine. At the team picnic he was making out with Kate Hudson. The sad part, Mariano Rivera had to close." "A new study shows that as the species evolves women are getting better looking. I think it's true. Have you been down to the harbor today?"

"Sarah Palin said goodbye as Alaska's governor, but she'll be back in the fall in the 10 p.m. slot. Sarah Palin took a swipe at certain people in the media. Gosh, I wonder who she had in mind." "The French President was out jogging and collapsed because he was overheated. He's okay, but the doctors are worried that his wife is too hot." "There's that problem with Professor Gates from Harvard and that Officer Crowley, so President Obama invited them to the White House to settle it over a beer. And if that works, he's going to try it with Jon and Kate, the Israelis and Hamas ... They're accusing Obama of trying to do too much too soon. That and wearing baggy jeans. He's the opposite of George W. Bush, too little too late."

Jon Stewart title for Sarah Palin's farewell speech: "The Goodbye Girl, Thrilla of Wasilla." Republican guest Bill Kristol: "Sarah Palin isn't my first choice for President. That, of course, would be Dick Cheney." (You should have heard the audience.) Jon: "She loved Alaska so much she had to set it free."

Stephen Colbert: "Sarah Palin has a book deal worth millions. On page 10 she realized the book was going to end anyway, so she left the last 200 pages blank."

Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin was heckled during her farewell speech by a guy in Russia yelling, 'Keep it down!'" "President Obama's hosting 150 Chinese who have just one question. 'Where's our money, bitch?'" "The gay group GLAD says NBC has failed to produce gay-friendly programming, but to be fair, we don't appeal to straight people either." "Instead of Budweiser the most popular beer in the world is Chinese. Then they send out for American food." "At Comic-Con a fan asked Cameron Diaz to marry him, and she accepted. She doesn't have to go through with it, because his head exploded."
Celebrity complete the sentence: "I cried when my kids ..." Larry King: "Died of old age." "I was so upset by the attacks on Sonia Sotomayor ..." Nancy Pelosi: "That I had my assistants change my facial expression." "My kids won't shut up about ..." Britney Spears: "Their need for basic food, shelter and medical care." "I love children's faces when ..." Dick Cheney: "I pop their balloons with a pin." "When I heard the DOW passed 9,000 ..." Bernie Madoff: "I was bent over a laundry machine by a guy named Midnight." Guest Judd Apatow (who followed Meryl Streep): "Meryl Streep proves you don't have to be dirty to be funny. I hate that." When he forgot to bring a bottle he asked his friend's wife to breast feed his baby.

Jimmy Fallon: "In her farewell speech Sarah Palin blasted Hollywood, the media, two bears and a moose." "Playmate Kendra's new book is delayed. Spellcheck keeps overheating." "The Octomom has signed a $250,000 deal for a reality show. I can hear it now, 'The litter has spoken. You must leave the crib.'"

Craig Ferguson: "A bad day for Hollywood. The Senate is considering taxing Botox. Users are outraged, although it's hard to tell." "The President of France fainted while jogging. The President of France shouldn't be jogging. He should be smoking a cigarette. But he got so dizzy he mistook his wife for his mistress." "In that new 'G-Force' guinea pig movie they had to use 50 guinea pigs, because they grow very fast, and they're delicious." "I'm not sure I like animals that talk. Like Smoky the Bear. You should never trust a bear wearing a ranger's hat, because he probably ate the ranger." Craig introduced guest Chelsea Handler as 'the sharpest tongue in late night. I think I'll start calling myself the most probing tongue in late night."

Tuesday, July 28

David Letterman: "There's a lot of crime in New York, so Mayor Bloomberg said, 'Let's put cameras everywhere. It worked for the old Soviet Russia.' Well, guess what, the cameras are being stolen. Stealing is like shopping. Today I saw a guy running down the street with a Smart Car under his arm. Now Bloomberg's installing cameras in the subways. The tapes will all be rated R for nudity and sex. And now you're going to see me being taunted while punks dance with my wife. 'Sit down, grandpa, or we'll hide your medicine.'" "You know you're obese when you live in New Jersey and Sarah Palin can see you from her front porch. Talk about everybody being obese, have you been down to the harbor today?"

"Pete Rose may have his lifetime ban lifted and be eligible for the Hall of Fame. So there could be hope for me and the Academy Awards. Michael Vick is ready to play football again, but I think they'll keep him an a short leash." In "Small Town News' Dave read a story about a couple who discovered a thief in their home when the husband told a joke and they heard a laugh upstairs.

Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin is going to host a TV show 'Am I More Coherent Than a Fifth Grader?'" "I'm worried about Obama inviting Gates and Crowley for a beer. The last time the President got a few beers in him he bought General Motors." "The Senate is considering a tax on plastic surgery. You should have seen the look Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make." "'Penthouse Magazine' said Comic-Con is a hot spot for casual sex, none of which involves a partner." "A drug-sniffing dog caught three teens in San Diego with half a ton of pot. To give you an idea how much pot that is, the dog was in Maine." "A new iPhone app locates nearby sex offenders. It's called Craigslist personals." Guest Jimmy Carr: "When the Iraq war started little did Bush know." "Women give the silent treatment because they think it's a punishment." "My girlfriend gets upset when I use her toothbrush. But tell me a better way of getting dog doo out of the treads of a tennis shoe." "We're trying for a baby, and we almost got one outside Wal-Mart." "If a woman plays with her hair while talking with you, it's a good sign, especially it it's her pubic hair." "I worry about my grandmother. If she falls when she's alone in the house does she make a sound?" "One out of three Scottish women is clinically obese, as are the other two."

Jimmy Fallon: "MTV is running 'Paris, Not France' about Paris Hilton. It's the first documentary shot entirely in night vision." "Tony Romo has banned his ex, Jessica Simpson, from practice. They just put 'Pull' on a door you push."

Craig Ferguson: "People who visit Machu Picchu have trouble breathing because of the altitude. Tom Cruise had the same problem kissing Nicole Kidman. I'm kidding. He never kissed Nicole Kidman."

Wednesday, July 29

David Letterman: "Hold onto your ticket stubs, because we're going to have a drawing for a New Jersey black market kidney. A couple of dozen rabbis were selling illegal organs. Don't buy a kidney that fell off a truck, or a liver that came from Amy Winehouse." "This is the most popular tourist time, so Miss Liberty is hitching out to the Hamptons."

"Brett Favre is retiring again, but he vowed to keep fighting for the people of Alaska." "New York now has surveillance cameras in the subways so tourists can purchase souvenir videos of themselves getting beaten up." "Big kegger at the White House tomorrow, President Obama's having Henry Louis Gates and Sergeant Crowley, and Dick Cheney will be there, down in his old dungeon playing the organ. Hillary Clinton's going to be serving snacks in a skimpy pants suit." "Bernie Madoff gave an interview and said he was amazed he was able to get away with it for years. And then I thought, look what Regis is able to get away with. Bernie said he succeeded because the SEC failed to investigate him. Well, I'm sure he's being probed on a regular basis now."

Stephen Colbert: "The Amazing Racism: What is the state of racism in America? I'm going to go with Alabama." "Our parent company Viacom's profits fell 32%, possibly because of the costly inoculations on 'Rock of Love.'"

Conan O'Brien: Conan had William Shatner read Sarah Palin's actual tweets as poetry.

"Glenn Beck of Fox News says Obama is a racist. Every time you watch Glenn Beck it's easier to hate white men. But Obama's having Professor Gates and Sergeant Crowley to the White House for a beer. He'll serve Budweiser, the Martin Luther King of Beers." "A woman was arrested for running an illegal strip club in her garage. For an extra fee you could step into the champagne tool shed." "A man was arrested for the second time for having sex with a horse. He just couldn't take neigh for an answer."

Jimmy Fallon: "Sarah Palin may become host of a four-hour radio show, but I'm sure she'll be done in two. 'It's drive time, you betcha.'"

Craig Ferguson: "A Swedish assembly line robot attacked a human, and so it begins. In California if a robot goes crazy we elect it Governor." "The book 'Me Cheetah,' supposedly written by Tarzan's ape, has been nominated for the Booker Prize. I didn't know monkeys could write books. I knew they could write e-mails, because we get hundreds of them. The book's about a chimp who moves to Hollywood, kisses a lot of bright red ass, becomes addicted to bananas, then goes into rehab. Basically, it's the Lindsay Lohan story."

Thursday, July 30

David Letterman: "The summer's going by so fast. My Mom said, 'David, look on the bright side, six more weeks until Jay is back.'" "An eight-year-old kid has been driving a New York subway, though the MTA hasn't ruled out the possibility it may be Mayor Bloomberg. Turns out it was part of the annual Bring Your Kid to Endanger the Lives of Hundreds of Passengers Day. Guest Adam Sandler: "My character in 'Funny People' is a little self-absorbed. I'm not like that in real life. For instance, my contract says that on the set my trailer can't be any bigger than the one my sister lives in. And crew members are allowed to make eye contact. In fact, they have to. 'Hey, if you want to see Drew Barrymore you can look at her reflection in my eyes.'"
Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Beer Summit: 9. "Guys stop me if I try to drunk dial Nancy Pelosi." 7. "Let's call Limbaugh and take this party to the next level." 6. "I feel dizzy and confused -- just like Bush! Hi-yoo!" 3. "Senator Larry Craig asked if he could have his beer brought to the men's room" (still a reference, people).

Jon Stewart: "Healthraiser:" John Hodgman proposed simply isolating sick people. Jon: "A leper colony." John: "No, a leper resort." John wanted poor people to be able to sell parts of their bodies. Jon: "You're turning poor people into organ farms." John: "What do you have against farmers? People have two kidneys, and they're just used to strain urine. They could sell one of them for $160,000 or even more. Homeless people can be certified as free range."

Stephen Colbert: "Obama is putting out this Gates/Crowley fire the way I put out a kitchen fire, with alcohol. Obama picked Budweiser, but then caved to the Republicans and watered it down to Bud Lite."

Conan O'Brien: "Conservatives are upset that Obama has been on the cover of 'Time' twelve times, and on every cover of 'Black Presidents Magazine.' He's beaten Bush's record of eleven covers of 'Mad Magazine.'" "A former 'American Idol' contestant claims that the show is rigged and that Simon's breasts aren't real." "A 95-year-old Crow chief is being awarded the Medal of Freedom. The chief said, 'This will make up for everything.'" "Kellogg's profits are up. They're crediting their new mascots Snap, Crystal & Meth."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Michael Jackson's mother has been awarded custody of his kids, but once a month Debbie Rowe gets to jump out of the closet and scare them. But at 79 Mrs. Jackson should be knitting a blanket, not raising one. And if the kids are smart they'll hum off-key whenever Joe Jackson is around." "HBO topped the GLAD list of best portrayal of homosexuals, and our own network ABC came in second, thanks to my Uncle Frank."

Jimmy Fallon: "Obama's Beer Summit was good, but everybody knows that the best stuff goes down at the After Summit." "Disney has warned the police about a 53-year-old man who thinks Miley Cyrus is sending him messages through his TV. That's ridiculous. I'm not 53." "Dolly Parton's musical '9 to 5' is closing because of poor ticket sales. Yes, it was a huge bust." "Kevin Federline will star in a weight-loss reality show, which should be a hit. People would love to see less and less of Kevin Federline."

Craig Ferguson: ""The X-Games started today in L.A. It's like 'Cirque du Soleil' with better music. The one thing I don't like is when the skateboarders grind down stair railings. It makes a very annoying sound, like the Jonas Brothers."

Friday, July 31

Strange originals: "In troubled times there are more openings for insecurity guards." "I'm everybody's friend, at least until a chip is down."

David Letterman: "Last night's show did not go well. Afterwards I got a call from President Obama who said I acted stupidly. But President Obama has invited Sarah Palin and myself down to the White House for a beer." "Regis is on the show tonight. Don't clap too loud, you'll turn off the lights in his dressing room." Guest Tom Dreeson: "Guy told his buddy, 'I'm going to get a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in three months.' His buddy said, 'I wouldn't do that. Women like that are hard to find.'" Guest Regis: "We had the world's oldest dog on the show today." Dave: "You used to work with the world's oldest dog, didn't you?" Regis went on about how he wants Dave and him to become best friends. Dave: "And part of being a good friend, someday you'll pick up a check?" Regis ended a long story about his new sleep mask with, "And that really turns my wife Joy on." Dave: "Oh, you don't have to tell me!" Guest Ted Alexandro: "Obama is not just the first black President. He marks the end of white Presidents. You know what they say. And soon we might have a woman President. Instead of declaring war, she'd declare a silent treatment. 'Listen, everybody, we're not talking to Iraq for a week. They know what they've done.'" "When we baptized our baby the minister asked me to renew my vows. 'Do you renounce Satan and all his works?' "Well, I'm not familiar with all his works.'"
Top Ten Signs You're Staying at a Bad Resort: 10. Concierge hands you keys and says, "Ah, Room 312... Let me see if the coroner is finished." 1. Appearing all week in the main showroom -- Regis.

Conan O'Brien: "We're still hungover from the Beer Summit. Joe Biden was there, and Sergeant Crowley told him he had the right to remain silent. Beer and pretzels; it was the first time pretzels had been served in the White House since Bush choked on one. Sergeant Crowley told Professor Gates he'd be pleased to meet again, the next time Gates tries to break into his own house." "A Japanese astronaut wore the same underwear for a month. He's still wearing it, even though the landing was a little scarier than he'd expected." "Police were called to inspect a suspicious object outside Oprah's studio. It turned out to be a book men might want to read." "They've come out with a version of the Snuggy for dogs. It sends the message, 'I've taken your testicles; now I'm taking your dignity." "A canary fighting ring has been broken up. Canary fighting is a lot more brutal than you'd think." (Clip of two big bruisers throwing canaries at each other.) "Megan Fox says she's tired of being compared to Angelina Jolie, so to distance herself, today she sent three American kids to live in Africa." "A Georgia woman was arrested with crystal meth in her bra. She said she wanted to make her breasts incredibly perky."

Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy showed a real clip of a police officer in a public service announcement: "Everyone expects to be treated with dignity and respect, and Mexicans are no exception." "Did you see 'CSI Michael Jackson'? Autopsy results have been delayed again. I think they're missing a nose." "Have you heard about staycations? That's when you sit in your tub and pretend it's the ocean. That's what happened with the Menendez brothers. Their parents treated them to a staycation." "The new show 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' had done for housewives what 'Jaws' did for sharks." "They're still running Billy Mays' infomercials, and sales are actually up 20% since he died." (Showed infomercial for the Resurrectifier.)

Jimmy Fallon: "Congress won't vote on health care until at least October. Take your time. It's not like we have a flu epidemic or anything." "Terrell Owens is plugging a new cereal. On the box it says, 'Best if eaten before 2004.'" "A man drove his truck into a swimming pool while texting on one phone and talking on the other. His last text said, 'Cannonball!'" Guest Adam Sandler: "We have an eight-month-old and a three-year-old. I'm cuddling the new one, and then the three-year-old comes in, and I feel guilty. 'It's not what it looks like!' Then the eight-month-old looks at me and says, 'You're going to have to make a decision.' It's weird being a celebrity. I take my daughter to school, and everybody is looking at me and whispering, and then the principal comes over. 'Mr. Sandler, if you're going to wear sweatpants you have to wear underwear.' My wife and I looked over all the eleven years of anniversary cards we'd sent each other. Hers are all, 'You're so wonderful,' All mine start out, 'I'm so sorry.'"

Craig Ferguson: "I like Friday. It's like Nature's Thursday." "When they cut the cheese in Wisconsin, actual cheese comes out. Oshkosh, Wisconsin, is hosting the largest air show in America. Joan Jett will be there, I'm sure. The emcee will be Sully Sullenberger the hero pilot who appeared on Letterman. The geese appeared on the Food Network. One plane there will hold over seven hundred passengers, or all the Baldwin brothers. Airplanes can fly forever, as long as you replace the parts every two years, like Cher. I love aviation movies, like 'Tailgunners at Dawn,' though come to think of it, 'Tailgunners at Dawn' wasn't an aviation movie."

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