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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

July 2008

Kathy Griffin: "It's so amazing that Barbra Streisand still thinks she has a good side."

Conan O'Brien: "A woman was arrested for having 27 grams of cocaine in her vagina. Police became suspicious when her vagina wouldn't stop talking." "To avoid sexism Virginia is replacing its 'Men at Work' signs with 'Men and Women Who Look Like Men at Work' signs." "South Carolina has canceled its program to attract gay tourists, so for the 30th year in a row North Carolina is the gayest Carolina." "Michael Jackson canceled his tour with New Kids on the Block when he learned they aren't really kids." "Many Olympic athletes are testing positive for Viagra. Which explains why some runners are winning really close races, and not by a nose."

Jay Leno: "After the stimulus checks came out, porn sales shot up 30%. Guys used their stimulus packages to stimulate their packages." "They say wine is good for your colon, but I prefer drinking it the regular way." "Barack Obama has promised his girls a puppy after the election, and Jesse Jackson has volunteered to neuter it." "The U.S. leads the world in marijuana and cocaine use. You know who's second? Amy Winehouse." "A study found 48% of high school students had had sex. The other 52% hadn't met the right teacher." "In San Francisco there's a 75-year-old stripper. When you stuff $5 in her G-string she sends it to her grandson for his birthday. Her stripper pole has guard rails."

Craig Ferguson: "John McCain says if gay people want babies they should get them the old fashioned way." "What do they call the man-girdle? Oh yeah, the Shatner."

British actor Russell Brand on Conan O'Brien: "When I met the Queen a little part of me was saying, 'Grab her boobs!'" Comedian Eugene Mermin: "They put me in special ed because I was slow, but I stayed for the ladies."

Best Week Ever on VH1 on Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman breaking up: "Sarah hasn't announced who'll be filling her late-night slot."

Stephen Colbert: "Hey, In Touch Magazine, if Brad and Angelina turn you down, I've got a pair of twins you can photograph!"

Dave Letterman: "It's sunny and 86 today. Just like Kathie Lee." "Before Rice-a-Roni the San Francisco treat was sex with a hooker on a cable car." "Emeril Lagasse was arrested for pulling his pork."

Overheard at Cafe Flore: "My wife just ran off with my new best friend." "Who?" "Never met him."

Jay Leno's "Headlines" had a restaurant advertising "Strolling Menstrals" and a classified ad for a "meat grinder and box of puppies." Jay, after Christian Bale's reputed assault on his mother: "I guess Batman vs. Mamma Mia wasn't just in theaters." "In Israel Obama looked so Jewish Jesse Jackson wanted to circumcise him." On the alleged Madonna/A-Rod porn tape: "If you've made a porn tape, and your name's already A-Rod, what's your porn name?"

Dave Letterman: "Today was day 18 of the Tour de France. That's the swimsuit competition." Some guy yelled at Dave on the street, "Why don't I see you on TV anymore?" Dave told him, "I got fired." Bandleader Paul Shaffer: "Fired? You must have been thinking of Leno." Nathan Lane on Letterman: "I felt wonderful, like Andy Dick three hours before the mug shot." Larry "Bubbles" Brown on Letterman: "Gays can get married now. Haven't they suffered enough?" "Cloning human beings is like counterfeiting pennies." "We elected an oilman, and gas went to $5 a gallon. Hope we don't elect a pimp."

Joel McHale on The Soup: "So that's two autobiographies for Torri Spelling to zero for Albert Einstein."

Bat baby from Neatorama.com.


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