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Relive History the Fun Way
Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Friday Night, June 29
Jay Leno: "In fact, some illegal aliens are so angry about the immigration bill, they're threatening to leave the country."
Craig Ferguson: "Two movies opened today, the cartoon Ratatouille, and Michael Moore’s Sicko. Two very different movies: One is about a big rat who's obsessed with food, always getting into trouble, and the other one is Ratatouille.”
Jimmy Kimmel: "The iPhone comes out today. The summer release date coincides perfectly with the first day of pushing people in the pool with their phones in the pockets."
Saturday, June 30
The Amazing Jonathan on Comedy Central: "Did you ever blow bubbles when you were a kid? Bubbles is here tonight." He asked his assistant how she got free tickets to Blue Man Group, and she had blue all around her mouth.
All the shows except Craig Ferguson's were in reruns the first week of July.
Monday Night, July 2
Craig Ferguson: "It's Lindsay Lohan’s birthday. She's 21. She's finally old enough to start drinking. Just as she gets out of rehab."
Monday, July 2
From the S.F. Daily Horoscope: "Your grandma is like everybody else's grandma. She puts on her bra one leg at a time."
Thursday Night, July 5
Craig Ferguson: "Us Weekly is reporting that Nicole Richie is pregnant. They can tell she's pregnant because she's only throwing up in the morning." Craig flew to Boston to host the July 4 Boston Pops concert. "The cops gave me a police escort to the stadium. I've used escorts before, but ..."
Friday, July 6
Sean Reynolds on Comedy Central: "I was raised Catholic but molested Baptist."
On The Soup a man was standing behind Joel McHale rubbing his shoulders and saying, "You have a great deal of tension in your buttocks." Joel: "Then why are you spending so much time on my shoulders?" The masseur slid slowly out of sight.
Greg Giraldo: "I spend a night on coke with a hooker in Vegas, but I don't try to make myself feel better by telling my wife about it." Also, "I think gay guys should have to get married. I'm getting a little tired of their happy go lucky lifestyle. I'd be gay if it weren't for that sex thing." And, "What do you tell your kid when he asks what Viagra is? 'That's a pill Daddy has to take because Mommy is getting old.'"
Dave Attell: "What is it we're supposed to eat, chicken and fish, right? Combine them. Penguin." Also, "Dog dick red. We all know it, but you don't find it in a paint store." Dave says women should always build a man up. "If you do it right, girls, you can make an Asian man feel Italian." He says, "A vibrator is a device that will make your woman moan and groan like only your roommate can, when you're out of town." Dave remembers when cigarettes were 50 cents a pack. "Do any of you remember that? No. Those people are dead."
Dane Cook: "They have flop sweat like Shaq at the foul line." Dane woke up to find his gay roommate blowing him. "You finish up and get the hell out of here!"
Monday Night, July 9
Jay Leno: "It was hot today, wasn't it? I’ll tell you I was sweating more than Bill Clinton looking at lingerie at Lane Bryant." Al Gore's son was arrested for speeding and drugs. "Al just said, 'Thank God it was a Prius.'" Also, "Jennifer Anniston says she only takes three-minute showers. I'd have to see that to believe it." And, "A Massachusetts teen was finally arrested for having sex with a sheep. For a while there he was on the lam." Finally, "Paris Hilton says she's a changed person with a big heart. Her next sex video will be free to the homeless."
Headlines: Movie ad for "Privates of the Caribbean." Police report: "Man arrested for urinating in a trash can and trying to sell a nasty Barbie." Ad: "MEN, do you suffer from vaginal itching?"
Dave Letterman: "It was so hot today Scooter Libby wishes he was in the cooler." Also, "Al Gore has an inconvenient son." And, "A man dressed as a tree tried to rob a bank. He was armed and ficus."
Guest tennis star Venus Williams on her Wimbledon win: "It always pays to tip the line judge. I won with my iRacket. Steinbrenner just signed me to save the Yankees."
Conan O'Brien: "This week, the city of Pamplona, Spain is hosting the annual running of the bulls. Or as the bulls call it, the annual trampling of the jerks." Also, "Nicole Richie has finally confirmed that she is pregnant. Richie said she could tell she was pregnant when she started throwing up twice as often." The lead singer of Metallica was suspected of being a terrorist at the airport. "He kept setting off the heavy metal detector." And, "The new Boeing 787 will allow passengers to sit comfortably on the runway for hours and hours." Finally, "Clay Aiken got into a dispute on an airplane. He accused another passenger of being in his seat, and not in a good way."
Guest Dan Naturman said the worst place he was ever caught masturbating was when he got stuck on an elevator with nothing to do. He was halfway there when he looked up and realized he was on a security camera. "So now there was evidence. It wasn't just the word of the other people on the elevator against mine."
Tuesday Night, July 10
Jay Leno: "Did you hear what happened today with L.A. Mayor Villaraigosa? I guess he tried to give someone the key to the city but it didn't work because his wife had the locks changed." Also, "O.J. Simpson just turned 60 and has moved into an assisted killing facility."
Dave Letterman: "They've named the new Seven Wonders of the World. Numbers 3 and 4 are Pamela Anderson."
Conan O'Brien: "The other day Hillary Clinton returned to her old stomping ground, Arkansas. For old times sake she stopped by the governor's mansion and tore the guy a new one."
Wednesday Night, July 11
Dave Letterman: "Sen. Dave Vitter of Louisiana said the hookers didn't cost the taxpayers a cent. He used his bribe money."
Jay Leno: "They're talking about a porn
tax. That's taxation without masturbation and another hand in our
pockets." Also, "The Democrats are going to have gay debates. It'll
be interesting to see who ends up on top."
Craig Ferguson: "Harry Potter comes out of the closet at the end of the movie. He moves to San Francisco and the real magic begins."
Conan O'Brien: "A woman stole her
friends name to do porn. 'I'm going to sue, or my name's not Wanda Q.
Thursday Night, July 12
Jay Leno: "Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Barack Obama have all agreed to appear at the first ever gay debate. The whole debate will only deal with gay issues. Like gay marriage and things like that. They are calling it the first ever all musical presidential debate."
Jimmy Kimmel: "It was 194 degrees in Las
Vegas today. All over town, women have been forced to take off their
clothes and rub their bodies against cold metal poles just to survive.
I guess everyone’s going to the movies to stay cool, because this new Harry Potter movie made $44 million in one day. Harry Potter and the Order of Linguine and Clams, I think."
Friday Night, July 13
Jay Leno: "A study finds fewer students are having sex, which proves there is a teacher shortage." Also, "Here is another sex scandal. It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives, and the co-chairman of John McCain’s Florida campaign, a guy named Bob Allen, has been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He also performed a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good ole days when during campaigns you only had to kiss babies?" And, "According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a golf nut. She’s pretty good too. The only sand trap she can’t get out of? Iraq." Finally, "In the new movie Harry Potter dates Paris Hilton and gets hogwarts."
Monday Night, July 16
Jay Leno: "It was so hot today, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa had an affair with Ann Colter just to cool off."
Tuesday Night, July 17
Dave Letterman: "In the new Harry Potter movie, Harry defeats the evil wizard with a secret potion from Barry Bonds."
Wednesday Night, July 18
Jay Leno: "Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick has been indicted for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring. You know how he got caught? A pointer picked him out. Did you hear his excuse? He said, 'The bitch set me up.'”
Dave Letterman: "We've had so much rain in New York City today, half of the puddles in Times Square were actually water."
Friday Night, July 20
Jay Leno: "I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the bottom."
Conan O'Brien: "Tomorrow President Bush is undergoing a colonoscopy, so he’s going to temporarily transfer his presidential power to Vice President Dick Cheney. That’s right, on the day that millions will be reading the new Harry Potter book, Lord Voldermort will be running the country." Also, "A Christian group that claims it can cure homosexuality is starting a program to help gay Broadway stars become straight. The program is called, 'A Total Waste of Time.'” And, "Yesterday, Barry Bonds moved closer to breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record by hitting two homeruns in one game. Everybody could tell Barry Bonds was going to hit two homeruns in one game because he had an icepack on both ass cheeks."
Monday Night, July 23
Jay Leno: "Saturday, President Bush underwent a colonoscopy. It was performed by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
Dave Letterman: "President Bush had his physical over the weekend; he had a colonoscopy. In order to pay for that procedure, Bush had to pretend to marry a fireman."
Tuesday Night, July 24
Dave Letterman: "Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies; now he knows what it feels like to be invaded."
Wednesday Night, July 25
Jay Leno: "Here is something ironic. I went on eBay the other day and bought a Michael Vick doll. Turns out it’s my dog’s favorite chew toy. What are the odds of that? You know who it was that turned Michael Vick in? Dog the Bounty Hunter. What are the odds?" Also, "A guy had anti-masturbation gum. Now, Kev, I know you're on the patch."
Dave Letterman: "Barry Bonds is only three away from Home Run King. When it happens I hope he doesn't get the big head." Also, "Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI and drug possession. Your move, Paris." And, "Poor President Bush. Senate hearings and a colonoscopy. It's one probe after another."
Thursday Night, July 26
Jon Stewart showing a picture of the
disgraced Tour de France leader in his tight outfit. "He's in trouble
for doping and violating international trade laws by smuggling plums.
Actually, I think he's just taunting Lance Armstrong."
Correspondent John Oliver on England's floods. "Stratford Upon Avon is now Avon Upon Stratford."
Jay Leno: "Do you believe that obesity is catching? Hey, if it was contagious Clinton would weigh 1,100 pounds now." Also, "On Google maps you can now see any objects over 12 inches. Well, no more nude sunbathing for me."
Dave Letterman: "Have you seen Hillary Clinton lately? The woman has been getting sexier and sexier. She’s so sexy now, the other day by accident, Bill hit on her. Yesterday she was seen shopping in Victoria’s Pantsuit. She wants to be our Commander in Heat."
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Never Knew About the New York Mets
10. "Team forfeited Sunday's game because we were all reading Harry Potter
9. "'Mets' is short for 'Metrosexuals'"
Craig Ferguson to female guest: "My
sheet says you were a nightclub booker. Is that spelled correctly?"
Friday Night, July 27
Demitri Martin on Comedy Central: "The best time to add insult to injury is when you're signing a cast." Also, "A mobile home with a flat is a home." And, "I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that said 'Guess.'"
Craig Ferguson: "Cartoon characters can go on forever. All you need is the actors who do the voices. Bart Simpson’s voice isn’t even done by a guy. It’s done by a woman named Nancy Cartwright. She also, by the way, does the voice for soccer star David Beckham."
Monday Night, July 30
Daily Show on British Prime
Minister visit: "What Can Brown Do For You?" Jon Stewart: "I had the
feeling Tony Blair thought, 'I have to get close to this guy, because I
may be the only one who can stop him.'"
Jay Leno: "Barry Bonds might break the home run record here in Los Angeles this week at Dodger Stadium. People will be sitting on pins and needles. Especially Barry." Also, "Working on Dick Cheney's heart, talk about microsurgery!" And, "Face transplants. There's a tough surgery to talk the wife into." Plus, "Paul McCartney is willing to pay Heather Mills $40 million, but she wants $100 million, or as the L.A. Diocese calls it, 'getting off cheap.'''
Headlines: "Northern Squat bath tissue." "One-Armed Man Applauds Kindness of Strangers."
Guest Kevin Neelon on his child's birth: "The doctor said, 'The head is coming out. See that thing that looks like a purple rock?' I said, 'No, I think that's always been there.'"
Craig Ferguson on hotel living: "Always leave room in your bag for the hotel bathrobe, and when the porn shows up on your bill, deny, deny, deny."
Dave Letterman: "Over the weekend, the
Iraqi soccer team won the Asian Cup. Bud Selig was in the stands. Iraq
now has a championship team, so we can go home, right?" Also, "Happy
birthday to the governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sixty
years old today. And to celebrate, natives on Skull Island tossed him a
blonde. He's making a new movie, Pumping Fiber."
Craig Ferguson: "Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 60 today. There’s another celebrity birthday today. Hillary Swank is 33 today. Isn’t it weird? Hillary Swank and Arnold Schwarzenegger have the same birthday? They couldn’t be more different. One is a he-man with rippling muscles, bulges everywhere . . . and the other one’s the governor of California."
Tuesday Night, July 31
Jay Leno: "It was so hot today, Hillary spoke before the Senate topless."
Jimmy Kimmel: "I have to congratulate Larry King. A lot of these younger guys on CNN get a lot of credit for going to places where they put themselves in the line of fire to get a story, but Larry King, you’d think he’d be scared to sit down with Vice President Dick Cheney. I mean, this is a guy who has a record of shooting old men in the face." Also, "Hillary Clinton showed a little cleavage during a speech on the Senate floor a couple of weeks ago, and some people think she’s doing it to show some feminimity. Hillary didn’t want to hear anything about it. She called the observation grossly inappropriate. Who would have ever thought a controversy involving Clinton and cleavage would involve Hillary!"
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