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Relive History the Fun Way
Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Jay Leno lamented the Oregon school teacher who had sex with six of her male students. "Where is the one-on-one attention?"
Jay also quoted Woody Allen as saying the secret of staying thin is the same as the secret to great sex. "I guess he means order off the children's menu."
Jimmy Kimmel explained the Pakistani inmate who got a light bulb up his butt without knowing how it happened. "He was probably riding on the shoulders of another inmate when the guy had an idea."
David Letterman on the discovery that Albert Einstein had a whole slew of mistresses. "Apparently E went into more than mc-squared."
On Jay Leno, Owen Wilson said he was in Spain promoting the animated film Cars when he realized that his voice was dubbed into Spanish, so he actually wasn't in the movie at all.
David Letterman pointed out that baseball has banned performance enhancing drugs, yet every other commercial is for Viagra."
Jay. "'We're all richer for having known him.' They didn't say that at Ken Lay's funeral." [He was head of Enron, which went bankrupt in a huge way.]
Jay Leno's "Headlines" had this mistake from a Greek restaurant's menu: "Enjoy the testes of Greece."
Jay, commenting on Oprah saying she's not gay, remarked he thought it was no one else's business. "For instance, what Kevin and I do is ... Tell them how you got the job." Bandleader Kevin: "It was very quick."
Jay on Paris Hilton saying she's going to remain celibate for a year. "She feels like a big weight has been lifted off her abdomen."
Jimmy Kimmel: "It was so hot in New York today that they didn't even have to fire up the cauldron on The View."
Weird Al has a new parody of Jame's Blunt's "You're Beautiful." It's called "You're Pitiful." Click to hear it at http://www.weirdalforum.com/private/yourepitiful.mp3.
Jay Leno reported Dubya explaining his first veto by saying, "Stem cells can be dangerous, especially when you talk on them while driving." About the other news, Jay said he wasn't upset at Dubya using a four-letter word. "If he uses a four-syllable word, I'll worry."
It was Wanda Sykes who said, "Come on, you knew he was slow when you elected him." She was on Jay again promoting the new film in which she plays a cow. "Yeah, they didn't tell me it was an animated film, so I gained 2,000 pounds."
Will a certain German Chancellor turn out to be Dubya's Monica Lewinsky?
Dave Letterman showed poor Christie Brinkley's first husband Billy Joel rushing to her side to comfort her after her fourth hubby cheated on her with a couple of 19-year olds. It was a video clip of a car crashing.
Dave Letterman said it was so hot Dubya addressed the NAACP Convention just for the cool reception. "He spoke for ten minutes and then gave back rubs."
Joel McHale of The Soup commenting on Oprah announcing she isn't gay. "It's a good thing she didn't announce she is gay, or we'd never have heard about Lebanon."
While hosting the ESPY Awards, Lance Armstrong addressed Jake Gyllenhaal in the audience: "Why are you sitting in the front? I thought you liked it in the rear."
|Chelsea Handler, star of one of
my fave programs, The Chelsea Handler Show, on E! at 10:30
Fridays, said that when she gets a massage she always tells the
masseur, "I keep most of my stress in my breasts."
Chelsea to a fake Angelina Jolie: "So who's a better kisser, Billy Bob or your brother?"
Chelsea also has a wonderful book entitled My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands. Here are a few quotes.
“I heard that men fall asleep
after they have sex,” Sloane offered.
We went back to my guy’s house and proceeded to have some of the best sex I can barely remember.
I fall a lot, but other than that I can pretty much control my liquor. Ivory’s the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it’s because it makes me look “more together.”
Tina Fey on Jay Leno telling about filming in a strip club and having a guy borrow some one-dollar bills. "They use singles in a strip club." Jay: "It's like playing the nickel slots. Literally." Tina is quitting her job as head writer on Saturday Night Live (and co-anchor on "Weekend Update") to appear in a series called 30 Rock, about a head writer on a comedy sketch show.
|.||Craig Ferguson, host of the Late Late Show on CBS. has written a great novel called Between the Bridge and the River.|
|Lance Bass of 'N Sync came out in
People. That's his boyfriend, Amazing Race winner
Reichen Lehmkuhl. Jimmy Kimmel showed that photo and remarked, "Looks
like somebody came out of the closet and landed smack dab on a dream.
How could you not be gay with a guy like that?"
Jimmy also said, "People hasn't had a scoop like this since their 1985 'Bill Cosby is Black' issue."
Jay Leno said, "One of the 'N Sync guys is gay. Just one?" Then he added, "I thought he was 'N Sync. Sounds more like a Backstreet Boy.
Jon Stewart just announced solemnly, "Lance Bass, gay at 27."
|Magnet Health Center agreed with
Jay Leno's comment above.
Joel McHale on The Soup asked, "Lance, are you sure this isn't like the phase when you wanted to be an astronaut?"
Joel also mentioned Bush posing with American Idol winner Taylor Hicks and asking, "What does it feel like to get more votes than anyone else?"
Dave Letterman mentioned that Taylor Hicks got 4,000,000 more votes than Bush. "Ironically, so did Al Gore."
Dave Letterman on electricity being out in Queens for a week, and no one can find out why. "Con Ed is trying to talk Queens into becoming Amish."
Lewis Black on The Daily Show: "The first lesbian couple to marry in Massachusetts is divorcing. I'm guessing it's another woman. I think divorce should be a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. It's whole purpose is to ruin the lives of children."
Jon Stewart: "This time the Iraqi prime minister met with Bush in Washington, a city the president also blesses with surprise visits."
Dave Letterman: "Condi Rice was in Rome today and even visited the Vatican. All the priests were asking her, 'What's it like to be celibate?'"
Jay Leno: "Christie Brinkley's husband apologized to her in the New York Post and apologized to his mistress in Tiger Beat.
Craig Ferguson: "Mick Jagger is getting crotchety. Now he's singing, 'Hey, you, get off of my lawn.'"
Jay Leno explained the excitement over the American Tour de France winner being accused of having too much testosterone. "I think this is the first time they've found any testosterone in France."
On VH1's Best Week Ever they mentioned that Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who played Harry Potter, will appear nude onstage in Equus. "We hope his magic wand doesn't have hogwarts on it."
Late-Night Host Products
|Exercises for opening your heart, lighting up your chakras or energy centers, and believing your dreams into reality.|
Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.
What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007
Amazon's Current Top Humor Books
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