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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night-TV Zinger Collection

 

July 2000

Week ending July 7, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Arkansas is trying to decide whether Bill Clinton has the morals to be a lawyer. He may be de-shystered. Today, though, he's on the aircraft carrier JFK. I think it's the biggest thing he's ridden since ..."

"On Survivor this week the Perfect Storm hit the island, and everyone drowned. Actually, Pauline learned what Rudy means by, 'I've got a lizard in my tent.' CBS is calling Survivor 'appointment tv'—it's so important you make a date to see it. We're disappointment tv."

"Why am I working on the 4th of July? Time-and-a-half, buddy! For our 4th of July barbecue I bought self-starting meat patties. My Uncle Earl came down from Vermont with his same-sex spouse."

"I saw a bunch of kids down at the waterfront today trying to break into a tall ship with a coat hanger. Actually, New Yorkers were well behaved. Only 4 tall ships are missing."

"If our Founding Fathers had had Crystal Clear Party Ice, it wouldn't have been a Revolution. It'd've been a party."

"Little Elian was greeted in Cuba by his classmates and Jeff Probst, host of Survivor, and then given a parade through Havana's Canyon of Commies. Now Elian's back at his old job—sewing buttons on Regis Philbin shirts."

"Over the weekend I took Mom to a water park in New Jersey, and we reenacted scenes from The Perfect Storm."

"This summer Ted Koppel is going back to where he buried those hitchhikers to make sure everything's cool. And Clinton's going to cool off by hitting on Eskimo interns."

Guest David Sedaris, author of Me Talk Pretty One Day: "I moved to France for the smoking and stayed for the health care."

Guest Tom Arnold:
"I don't know if Roseanne is the ex-wife I'd pick to be in Playboy."
"
"It's been 6 years since I was voted off her island. We might become friends. They're friendly in the Middle East now."
"My gay brother Chris is an ordained minister, and he performed a marriage ceremony for two men friends. Art & Mart have been together so long they decided it was time to make it illegal."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"The Supreme Court upheld the New Jersey court in saying that gay guy can't be a scout master. Think how embarrassed he must be. Now the whole world knows he's from New Jersey."

"Little Elian is gone, but Janet Reno gave him her e-mail address: Amazon.com."

"Michael Douglas wants Catherine Zeta-Jones to sign a pre-nup, and she's balking. At his age, I'd think she'd be more interested in being in the will."

"That John Rocker. Hey, Manhattan is an island. Why don't they just vote him off of it?"

"Last night was Elizabeth Dole's birthday. I think we all know what Bob gave her."

For July 4th George W. is going to barbecue death row inmates."

"Darva Conger says she wants to replace Kathie Lee Gifford. Frank Gifford is all for it. Darva's in Playboy. Before, you needed at least $2,000,000 to see her nude. Now you need 5 bucks. "

"Our own bandleader, Kevin Eubanks, was named to People Magazine's '100 Most Eligible Bachelors List.' He was right behind Urkle. Apparently height and hair weren't requirements."

"Britney Spears' breasts turned two years old today."

"Do we really need these new Wonder Pants that do for your butt what the Wonder Bra does for breasts? Do we really need more cleavage down there? I think my plumber has a pair."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Elian has left the building."

Correspondent Dave Attell on July 4 celebrations: "Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. The 4th of July without fireworks is like Valentines Day without a hooker."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"A poll showed 14% of men have received oral sex while driving. They must be the same 14% who are deathly afraid of speed bumps."

Guest Marlon Wayons: "My father was a condom salesman with 10 kids."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"The Supreme Court ruled the Boy Scouts don't have to accept gays. This marks the first time gays have been banned from any group that wears handkerchiefs around their necks."

"Madonna is going to call her baby boy after his father and name him Number 211."

"Millions of Mexicans are celebrating the stunning election results—in their homes in L.A. And Hillary Clinton has just discovered that she's Mexican."

"In 1776 another historic document was signed—the first recording contract for Arrowsmith."

"Safety first on July 4th. Remember last year when that little kid lost 2 fingers trying to take a hot dog from Star Jones."

"Extremely Cute Exploding Puppies—your enemies will never know what hit them. It might be easier for me to laugh at that if my father hadn't died that way."

"Eating tofu can reduce your chances of catching certain diseases. Most people would rather catch the diseases."

"It took the police 10 hours to end the hostage situation at Disney World, and 12 hours to get on Space Mountain."

Craig trying to entice Tony Curtis into coming on the show: "Slap on that gray thing you call a wig and shuffle on down."


Week ending July 14, 2000

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Have you seen Big Brother? CBS watches 10 people. Usually it's the other way around. This week Cory finds an alcove where he can satisfy his own needs. And there's a beauty queen who likes to dress as a slut. Did Clinton pick these people? They have cameras everywhere, even in the bathroom. If I want to see a guy urinate, I'll go to the subway."

"On Survivor Joel Klug was voted off the island for being dishonest and disrespectful to women. He's lucky he wasn't impeached."

"It was so warm and sticky today Mayor Giuliani changed girlfriends three times. There's a guy gives me the finger every day as I enter the building. It was so hot today he faxed me the finger from the Hamptons. It's so hot today, for an extra $50 the hookers in Times Square will blow on you."

Dave started a new feature called "Out of Focus Celebrity Cameos." Someone whose features were blurred walked on-stage. The audience gave a tremendous ovation, and we at home never learned who it had been. Dave said, "Looked great, didn't he?"

Guest Robin Williams: "If it's not one thing, it's your mother."

Note: Dave is on vacation the week of July 10 - 14.

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Clinton is trying to broker peace between Arafat and Barak at Camp David. After what Clinton worked out with Hillary, this should be a snap."

"Last night the wife and I wanted to be alone, so we went to the Diana Ross concert. There was a little microphone problem. The Supremes wanted one. Next time Diana will tour without the Supremes so the audience will outnumber the performers. Diana's fallen so far, next week she has to be the opening act for Roger Clinton. Diana said she'd be happy to sing for 10 people. Her manager said, 'Don't get your hopes up.' And Michael Jackson is having plastic surgery so he won't look like Diana anymore."

"Britney Spears just got engaged to Justin Timberlake of 'Nsync, so sorry, guys, he's taken. They'll lipsync their wedding vows. I was glad to hear it. Whenever a teenage girl gets engaged without Michael Douglas being involved, it's good news."

"Patsy Ramsey just attended her 25th high school reunion in West Virginia, and her old schoolmates all shunned her. Not for killing her daughter. She married outside the family. Patsy had plastic surgery before she went. She had the doctor put an innocent look on her face."

"Frederick's of Hollywood has gone belly-up. The workers got pink slips with matching panties."

"Ike Turner is single again. His 13th wife has left him. She came home unexpectedly and caught him punching out another woman."

"Jean Claude Van Damme was just sentenced to three years probation, and he has to attend drunk driving classes. They should make him take acting classes."

"Darva Conger is nude in Playboy. Whoever thought Rick Rockwell would turn out to be the classy one in that marriage?"

"Half of Americans say they've had sex on the job. No wonder foreign workers are trying to sneak into the country. Half. You know what that means. I can never watch Bert and Ernie again."

"These reality programs are going too far. At the Republican Convention in Philadelphia next week they're starting with ten condemned prisoners. Each night they'll execute one."

"In Rumania times are so bad the hookers also do housework. I can see the wife saying, 'I think my husband is having an affair, but the house has never looked better.'"

"Doctors are prescribing Prozac for women with severe PMS. Not in pill form. The husband shoots it into her from fifty feet away with a dart gun."

"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is selling millions of copies, but the kids are having a little trouble trying to figure out how to stick the books into their VCRs. I bought a copy. Inside was a nude picture of Darva Conger. That woman is pushing in everywhere."

"Did you read about the guy arrested for having sex with a sheep? How do you explain to your wife how you gave her anthrax?"

"Did you see the running of the bulls in Pamplona? I wish those guys would get gored in the groin so they wouldn't be able to pass on the idiocy gene."

"Alaska Air is hiring 82 new mechanics—bringing the total to 82."

"Scientists say we may soon start living to 200. Think how crowded Miami will be then. And how big will prostates be? Guys will be slinging them over their shoulders. And how slow are these people going to drive? Here's a picture of what a 200-year-old man might look like [photo of Keith Richards]."

"They have ATMs in jails now so criminals can arrange bail money. Do you think they look around when they're using them, looking for shady characters?"

"George W. spoke in front of the NAACP. You know how aware he is. He started out, 'Wow, there sure are a lot of black people here!'"

New Slogans:
Sugar Frosted Flakes: "Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists—who want to buy a new boat."
Rice a Roni: "Chinese Food for White Trash"
Tampax: "Embarrassing husbands in supermarkets for over 40 years"
Doublemint: "The closest you'll ever get to a three-way."

Monday Night Headlines:
"Gas Levels High in Beantown"
Ad: "Waitress Wanted—Work From Home"
A Father's Day coupon for a home pregnancy test
A story about a criminal who turned himself in to collect the $4,000 reward and was sentenced to 30 years.

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Peacemaster: President Clinton is holed up with Barak and Arafat at Camp David. Barak misses his mom. Arafat loves the crafts."

"Skanks for Nothing: Frederick's of Hollywood has filed for bankruptcy. They're pinning their hopes for recovery on the H2O Bra, filled with water. The bra is perfect for the woman who's thirsty after carrying her luscious breasts around all day."

"Meet the Breast: In Russia a topless woman reads the news. This approach answers the age-old objection: baby in a well? How can I masturbate to that?"

"Lars Attacks: Lars Ulrich of Metallica testified before the Senate on Napster downloads. Napster claims most users just sample the music before buying the album. Yeah, the way college students 'sample' Oreos in supermarkets."

"Harry Potter: Youth have been hit with a destructive need to read at any cost. Youth centers and arcades stand vacant. Here is a child's brain. Here is a child's brain while reading [shows electrical sparks]. We hope someday there will be a cure for the vicious cycle we call literacy."

"At Wimbledon Pete Sampras won $720,000, money he'll use to keep his other money company."

"Big Brother: What does CBS hope to gain from these 10 hostages? All we can do is wait and pray they accidentally show some nudity."

Correspondent Nancy Walls on The Wrinkling of America: "Old people. They're everywhere. And, legally, there's nothing we can do about it." Nancy interviewed a 101-year-old pilot, who left his left blinker on. "This past year the number of 101-year-old pilots has skyrocketed from 0 to 1." She ended on an up note: "As creepy as they are, old people have a lot to offer."

Correspondent Stacey Greenrock Woods on part 2 of The Wrinkling of America, a report on 86-year-old male stripper Ernie Nasser, who, however, refuses to take his shoes and socks off. As he flashed his butt, Stacey reported, "Disco Ernie is reaching for the moon."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"I won't say the new Big Brother show is boring, but last night they just sat around watching Survivor."

"Britney Spears said she'd love to marry Prince William. Oddly enough, Elton John said the same thing. And he's already a Queen."

Guest Tom Arnold: "Skinny women won't lick peanut butter off you. They're afraid of the calories."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Diana Ross's Madison Square Garden show was delayed because of problems with the lighting—other people were getting some."

"Tony Blair's son Euan was found passed out drunk. I won't say any more, because I think this should be a matter between the boy and the media."

"Three disturbing images: Marlon Brando's nipples."

"Amtrak is coming out with a new logo, and to be sure everyone sees it, they're putting it on the bottoms of the cars."

"Instead of going to Pamplona to run with the bulls, I just went into the kitchen and backed into a steak knife."

"To sound more exciting, M&M Plain has changed its name to M&M Milk Chocolate. A Presidential candidate has changed his name to Al Milk Chocolate Gore."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Harry Potter: America loves a snotty kid who loves magic potions and white powder—which is good news for the George W. people."

"The Pentagon's missile defense system test failed, which makes our military secrets safe. Now the spies have no interest in stealing them."

"A study shows teens are having less sex these days. I think it's due to the naked fat guy on Survivor."

Guest Willie Marsetta: "Men peak sexually between 18 and 22, which is sad. I wasted the most passionate years of my life on me."


Week ending July 21, 2000

Late Night Cher-ing: Cher says she wants to adopt a baby. Jay Leno suggests, "Why doesn't she just make a kid out of her old spare parts?" Craig Kilborn takes the opposite view, "I'm afraid she's going to use it for spare parts." Then Jay Leno again: "Remember the good old days when Cher just dated baby boys?"

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"New York is knee-deep in rats—70,000,000 of them. You can't even urinate without hitting one of them. And each one has a story. Mayor Giuliani says he's going to keep raising their rent until they move to New Jersey"

"I took Mom to see X-Men over the weekend. Save your money. If you want to see mutants, go down in the subway. We did enjoy Shakespeare in Central Park—though Julius Caesar was stabbed, and the cops did nothing about it."

"At Camp David Arafat was voted off the island. Hillary rushed in with a comforting hug. And Clinton said to Barak, 'You know, my last girlfriend was Jewish.' Now Clinton's on his way to the Group of Eight Summit. His previous record was a Group of Three."

"On Survivor this week, Colleen goes to Rudy's hut and finds he wasn't exaggerating about the size of his iguana. And Greg breaks up with his hand."

"Are you watching Big Brother? CBS got a house and packed it with losers. But one of them's an exotic dancer. Since I was 11 I've prayed an exotic dancer would come to my house. 'Please, Mom, I promise I'll feed her.' And yet she's one of the two they want to boot out. 'Duh, I think she's a disruptive force, naked all the time and like that.' Idiots!"

"New York cab drivers are now taking credit cards. After all, when you're coming in from the airport, who has $1,000 cash? But it's embarrassing having your gold card rejected by a guy who doesn't even have a green card."

Summer Reading:
Don Knotts: Stop Sending Condolence Cards. I'm Not Dead
Annie Leibovitz: Pictures I Took to Finish the Roll
Regis Philbin: Things I Can Say About Kathie Lee Now That She's Gone

Good Running Mates:
"Richard, the fat guy from Survivor: He'd help secure the naked fat guy vote."
"Kathie Lee: She'd guarantee the President against assassination."
"Dwight Eisenhower: Though long dead, he would add excitement to the Gore campaign."
"X-Men Wolverine: Cool metal claws."
"Hillary Clinton: Cool metal claws."
"James Earl Jones: Scare foreign leaders when they pick up the phone and hear Darth Vader."
"Bandleader Paul Shaffer: Used to being second in command to a dumb guy."
"Warren Beatty: Vast experience in screwing people and leaving them happy."
"Marilyn Manson: In pinch could fill in as First Lady."
"Monica Lewinsky: Proven she can work under a President."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Big Tobacco is being fined $145 billion. A lot of Congressmen are going to have to take a salary cut. Tobacco companies may have to go into another line of killing."

"It was so hot today I was sweating like a Philip Morris shareholder. It was so hot the air in Darva Conger's head started to expand dangerously. It was so hot Hillary was making ethnic slurs against Eskimos. If she makes a few more ethnic slurs, she can be keynote speaker at the Republican Convention."

"Have you seen that new movie But I'm a Cheerleader? That used to be the password to get into the White House."

"Jane Magazine says men are twice as likely as women to want to have sex with the lights on. But every time I've tried it, afterwards the car wouldn't start."

"Tommy Lee says he never really got to know Pam Anderson intimately. I must have been watching the wrong video."

"The cell phone people say there's absolutely no danger from cell phone radiation. Boy, it didn't take those tobacco executives long to find new jobs, did it?"

"O.J. Simpson has a new web site. For $9.95 he'll answer your questions about Nicole's murder. You have to give him your name and address, so that's a great idea."

"George W. Bush says he'll pick a running mate who's qualified to be President. Too bad we can't vote for one. We just have Gore and Bush."

"Fidel Castro says Jesus was a Communist. For years Cuba has tried to feed thousands of people with a loaf of bread and a few fish."

"They're cracking down on sex in the military. If you're caught with someone under you under you, you're out of there."

"The President-elect of Mexico is calling for an open border with the U.S. I thought we already had one."

"We have a new trade pact with Vietnam. We get quality bamboo, and they take back Jane Fonda."

"The Spice Girls have reunited. They're back together despite popular demand. Yeah, they're willing to put their individual careers on hold."

"The Philadelphia Eagles found some great kickers. Unfortunately they're all in the police department. People were mad at the Philadelphia cops for beating that guy until they found out he'd shot one cop, bitten another and was an auto mechanic. The Boulder, Colorado, police said they'd do the same thing to a suspect—if they ever caught one."

"In Canada they're paying people $10 an hour Canadian to analyze the odors emitted by pigs. Think how you'd feel if you got turned down for the job."

"Taco Bell is dropping their chihuahua. Even though they're the most popular commercials they've ever run, sales are down 7%. Could it possibly be the food?"

"The ad for X-Men shows a mutant with a giant tongue. Women are calling it the feel-good movie of the year."

"In a new study 14% of the men said they'd been on the receiving end of sex while driving. The other 86% didn't drive a Porsche."

"Olympic track star Ben Johnson couldn't catch a woman who picked his pocket."

"The governor of Arkansas is moving out of the governor's mansion into a double-wide trailer. A double-wide? His constituents think he's putting on airs."

"The producers of The Perfect Storm wanted to make it clear no fish were killed in the filming. They only used rubber fish. They got the idea after dinner at a Long John Silver's."

"I just read today that Woody Allen takes his temperature every hour. That must be why he walks so funny."

"That guy who was accused of having sex with a sheep at a Future Farmers of America fair has taken it on the lamb."

"A San Francisco doctor says you should use your finger to massage your colon every day. Don't use your thumb, or people will think you have a government job."

"Police are worried about demonstrations at the upcoming Democratic Convention, so they're planning to bring in Diana Ross to disperse the crowds."

Guest Keenan Ivory Wayans: "Slot machines are like crack for old people."

New Books:
"Diana Ross has written 101 Uses for Unsold Concert Tickets."
"Janet Reno's History of Microsoft breaks into two books."
"There's a new mystery: Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Why the Gym Teacher Never Married."

Celebrity License Plates:
Diana Ross: M T SEATS
Laura Flynn Boyle: 2 BONY 4 U
Mike Tyson: N SANE
Robert Downey, Jr.: MADE BY ME
O.J. Simpson: I KILL U 2
Britney Spears: 2 AIR BAGS

Monday Night Headlines:
Instructions on a medicine bottle: "Unwrap and insert suppository rectally by mouth every 4 hours."

Headline: "Constipation Theory Pooh-Poohed By Doctors"
Question Man: "What do you like about living in Oklahoma?" Man: "You can pee anywhere."
Ad: "This car is a European chick maget."
Bar ad: "Hors served at 6 p.m."
Grocery store ad: "Blow Out Special—Refried Beans"
Menu: "Chicken Dumping"
Stupid criminal: "An accused felon put a baggie of marijuana from his pocket on the tray in front of the deputy when going through the courthouse metal detector."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Infestment Strategy: Rats in New York reach epidemic proportions. Scientists blame closing of Cats. Supposedly there are 70,000,000 rats, but we can't be sure until all the rats fill in their census forms. Rats reproduce every 5 to 7 months, unless they're gay rats who just came to New York to be who they are. Rats can squeeze through a hole no bigger than a nickel, so bring in your rectum a notch or two."

"Lord of the Files: Computer hackers have broken into the Survivor website and discovered the identity of the Survivor winner. Gervase is the winner. Go back to your lives."

"Big Tobacco has been fined $145 billion, possibly resulting in bankruptcy—leading to the question, then how will inmates pay for sex? The jurors were released after two years on the case, going back to their old jobs, dusting off their yellowed Dilbert cartoons and asking, 'What is this e-mail of which you speak?' By the way, we're going after Big Pot next, as soon as I get my act together."

"Janet Reno turns 62 this week, and though some of her decisions haven't been popular, they've all been ... unpopular."

"Just 75 years ago Scopes was convicted of teaching evolution. When he heard the verdict Scopes threw his feces at the jury and climbed the Empire State Building."

Jon: "Do you get more ass as tv stars or as film stars?"
Shawn Wayans: "We get the most ass as President. Not the best-looking ass ..."
Marlon Wayans: "The Daily Show is the last stop on our publicity tour. We've been everywhere. We've been publicity whores."
Jon: "It's always nice to be last with a whore."

"Skin Game: Al Gore got down at the NAACP Convention, revealing he's Soul Brother #1, saying, 'I've been told I too have a dream.'"

"Mi NASA Es Su NASA: Houston, we have porn. A 15-year-old boy hacked into NASA's web site, as did a 20-year-old. What if the recipe for Tang falls into enemy hands?"

"Big Brother: When's the fu**ing start?"

Correspondent Mo Rocca reported on senior beauty pageants in #3 in the series The Wrinkling of America. "Are you ready for the sexualization of your grandmother? It's a granny eat granny world in senior beauty pageants." Mo asked one contestant, "Would you pose like Vanessa Williams for Modern Maturity?" She replied, "Probably." He ended, "It's 11:10. Do you know where your grandmother is?"

Correspondent Nancy Walls did celebrity gossip:
"Bob Seger could be named the poet laureate of Michigan. The last one went mad trying to rhyme Ipsilanti. And Michael Jackson is being sued for keeping an expensive watch for several months and then returning it damaged—sort of like what he did with Webster."

Guest actor Billy Crudup explained his new movie Jesus' Son: "It's like Titanic, except instead of being on a ship, they're on crack."

Guest Halle Berry plays Storm, whose power is controlling the weather, in X-Men. Halle: "I just do the blowing." Jon: "Thank God this desk is here."

Correspondent Frank Decaro: "The Perfect Storm is a waste of some perfectly good seamen."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was arrested for driving under the influence of marijuana. He must have been really stoned. He said, 'I feel like I'm 7 feet tall.'"

"Al Gore uses the same speech for everyone. This week he was visiting a pre-school in Tennessee and asked the kids, 'Aren't you better off now than you were four years ago?"

"It turns out a contestant on CBS's Big Brother once killed a guy. Originally he was supposed to be on Survivor, but they thought he'd have an unfair advantage."

"Because he's tied up with Middle East peace negotiations, President Clinton had to cancel a meeting with the Super Bowl champions today—though he did spend four hours with their cheerleaders."

"Al Gore says he won't attend a fundraiser at the Playboy Mansion. He can't afford to be any stiffer than he already is."

"A guy's suing the publisher because his son was traumatized by nude photos of men and women accidentally included in a Tickle Me Elmo book. The kid said he really wanted a nude Harry Potter."

"Britney Spears tipped a gas station attendant $20. He checked the air in her implants. She also cancelled her show at the Hollywood Bowl because the stage wasn't big enough. It would only hold her left one."

Guest Rich Hall:
"Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp."
"Prison rape has gotten kind of a bad name. In the dark your cellmate can almost have your girlfriend's face—except for a quarter inch of stubble."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"The X-Men took in $57 million over the weekend. That's amazing when you consider that not one of the ticket buyers could find a date."

"The Bangles are reforming and going out on tour. Demand for tickets is so great that in some venues promoters have had to add a second seat."

"Scientists have developed a male contraceptive, something to keep women from getting pregnant. Don't we already have something to do that? It's called ESPN."

"The Big Brother producers learned that one of the contestants once accidentally killed a guy. The producers immediately opened up the house and shoved in Andy Roony."

"General Mills is buying Pillsbury. It's the biggest food merger since Marlon met Brando."

"Here's a clip of a man who caught a 94-lb. catfish. The man wanted to stuff it and mount it over the mantle, but he was afraid it would tip his trailer."

"Scientists have fitted a prosthetic leg to an elephant. The idea was suggested by the doctor who scraped Oprah's knees."

"There's a Corvette convention in South Dakota this week, otherwise known as the Middle-Aged Divorced Balding Guy March."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"We're normalizing trade relations with Vietnam. Boom-boom and sucky-sucky are already half price."

"Bill Clinton says he'll veto the bill giving tax advantages to married people. He says people shouldn't get married just for financial reasons. They should only get married for political reasons."

"Clinton has been staying up all night with Barak and Arafat trying to get a peace."

"In Japan those guys who released poison gas in the subway have been sentenced to death by hanging. That's very rare. In Japan it's hard to find any man who's hung."


Week ending July 28, 2000

Best of Late Night:
"At Tiger Woods' victory at the British Open today a woman danced around naked on the 18th hole, causing several players to take extra strokes. It's nice to see Fergie out again." - Jay Leno on The Tonight Show

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"They're spraying for mosquitoes in New York. Today I saw a squirrel in Central Park wiping insecticide off its nuts. And worse news, today they found a West Nile hooker. At least the spraying keeps the rats indoors. We have 70,000,000 rats in New York City, but they're all controlled by just two rat families."

"It's Janet Reno's 62nd birthday. Her friends got together and threw her a surprise pre-dawn party."

Bandleader Paul Shaffer: "We have sitting in tonight a guy from Tony, Toni, Tone."
Dave: "Is it Tony? Did we get Tony?"
Paul: "No, it's Toni."
Dave: "Oh, too bad."

"Barbara Walters cancelled an appearance by O.J. Simpson on The View. In a related story, earlier this evening Barbara Walters was found brutally stabbed to death. Meanwhile, O.J. did fine on the Today Show, until he killed the fat weatherman."

"George W. has picked a running mate with pep, with pizzazz. He's latching on to that Dick Cheney mania. The guy has had three heart attacks and a couple of bypasses. Though it'll be nice having someone in the White House whose arteries are hard for a change. His heart's so weak there's no chance he'll have sex with interns. Cheney has already resigned from his restricted country club. Still, I get the feeling George W. didn't take his search nearly as seriously as Regis. Cheney is just a heartbeat away from being dead. Dick Cheney starred in The Wolf Man. No, that was Dick Cheney, Jr."

"Barak and Arafat had been hoping for a little of that hot intern action."

On Kathie Lee quitting Regis: "I have the same philosophy. If this show ever starts being fun, I'm outta here."

Introducing guest Harrison Ford: "Paul Shaffer, our bandleader, bought his first car in Canada at the Thunder Bay Harrison Ford." Dave to Harrison on his new movie What Lies Beneath: "It has a surprise ending, doesn't it?" Harrison: "So far."

Dave to Assistant: "Heather, have I had any phone calls?"
Heather: "Oh, that's funny, Dave."

Dave showed a clip of the CBS executive who created Big Brother working as a waiter in a fancy restaurant, serving the CBS executive who created Survivor.

With Guest Jon Stewart:
Dave: "I've visited every site on the internet."
Jon: "Did you see the one with the donkey and the lady from Cheers? You have to have a password."


Jon: "I took a two-year-old computer in, and the guy looked at me as though he were a gun dealer and I'd brought him a musket. In two years I'd gone from cutting edge to Amish."

Jon: "I saw Darva Conger in Playboy. I understand she just wants her privacy, and we're not getting the message. And you know that multimillionaire guy she married? He was like the lost Clampett."

Top 10 Shocking Facts about Dick Cheney:
10. To make himself more appealing to Bush, executed 47 people in Wyoming
9. Once dressed up as a bellhop to meet 'NSync.
6. For brief, six-month period in 1974, known as Rita Cheney.
3. Told Bush only place he plans campaigning is "Margaritaville."
1. Picks up chicks by claiming to be Alan Greenspan.

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"George W. picked Dick Cheney as his running mate. The guy's had three heart attacks. It's not good when Strom Thurmond can beat you up the stairs. And I didn't know Republicans even had hearts. It's the Wizard of Oz ticket. Cheney needs a heart. Bush needs a brain. Cheney is a really weird running mate. He can't run, and he can't mate, yet he's just an irregular heartbeat away from the Presidency. Instead of campaign donors, they're looking for organ donors. For a Republican, a heart is like an appendix. It's nice to have, but you don't really need it. The funny thing is that Dick Cheney is the guy who was in charge of finding a running mate for Bush. It was sort of like O.J. looking for the real killer."

"At the Democratic Convention in L.A., Al Gore is planning a formal passing of the baton. He'd better be careful. With Clinton, it might not be a baton. Oh, and Gore has a secret weapon to use in debating Dick Cheney. With Cheney's heart, all Gore has to do is yell, 'Boo!'"

"K-Mart closed 70 stores today; so women in curlers will have to start beating their kids at home."

"Steven King said he had a bad cocaine habit in the 80's — when he was writing about three books a day."

"They're making an Elian Gonzalez movie. Janet Reno will be played by Jack Palance."

"Three 'Nsync fans walked 160 miles to a concert. Three Diana Ross fans walked 160 miles to get a refund."

"Barbra Streisand says she'll do four more concerts and then quit performing, because she gets so nervous in front of a crowd. Why doesn't she just team up with Diana Ross. There won't be any crowds." Then Jay showed the souvenir programs from Barbra's 1990, 1991, 1994 and 1999 farewell tours."

"It was so hot today I saw an Amish guy wearing a thong. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was lighting joints just by touching them to the sidewalk. It was so hot Darva Conger got delirious and accidentally turned down an interview. It was so hot in Texas today that Debby refused to do Dallas."

" It was 105 today. That's not the temperature. That's Dick Cheney's pulse. It was so hot today people were sweating like Dick Cheney trying to get health insurance."

"Things were tense at Camp David, and, unfortunately, Clinton couldn't use his usual method of relieving tension."

"Adolph Hitler's nieces and nephews are suing for $20,000,000 for royalties on Mein Kempf. I hope this unseemly squabbling doesn't tarnish the Hitler family name. Those nieces and nephews should pay for the damage Uncle Adolph did on his little European book tour."

"Barbara Walters told O.J. he couldn't appear on The View. She's braver than I am. O.J.'s going on all the talk shows, plugging his next murder. On the Today Show, O.J. said the debate about who killed Nicole was one-sided. That's true. He killed the other side."

"O.J. said 'Barbara Walters burned me. Katie Couric burned me. Larry King burned me.' Hah, wait'll he gets to the afterlife."

"There are going to be a lot of tears on Friday as Kathie Lee leaves her morning show—mostly from her husband Frank. Kathie Lee has been invited to play a hooker on The Sopranos. That's one way to get Frank interested again."

"The New York Times says celibacy is a growing movement, with 17% of respondents saying they didn't have sex at all last year. In my day we called that high school."

"West Wing and The Sopranos are tied for 18 Emmy nominations each. This is the most the White House and the Mafia have had in common since the Kennedy years."

"It's Jennifer Lopez's birthday. Her spanking could take all day."

"Suzanne Somers, a grandmother of 51, says the secret of staying young is lots of sex. When my granny yelled, 'Come and get it!" she was calling us to dinner."

"Keith Richards became a grandfather today. The baby weighed 2.5 kilos."

"And Janet Reno turned 62. She got her usual bottle of after shave."

"West Hollywood is naming a street Bill Clinton Avenue. It's the world's first three-way street. It spills out on Santa Monica. They're hoping to attract female prostitutes for a change. 'Yeah, we've got a hooker going south on Clinton.'"

"There's a new movie The Eyes of Tammy Faye. The title Scary Movie had already been taken."

"Scientists say putting a man on the moon remains our greatest technological achievement. Cher is the second. Cher says she wants to adopt a girl between 5 and 12 — in other words, older than her boobs, younger than her ass."

"Big Brother booted the black guy off. Now they're Big Brotherless."

"Texas says it's going to have multiple executions August 9. Maybe they're putting the Houston Astros out of their misery."

"McDonald's is using non-union actors in its commercials. Makes sense; they don't use real meat in their burgers."

"Do you know the animal responsible for the most human deaths? The shark? No, it's the fried chicken."

Monday Night Headlines:
News story: "The fire was probably started by the cigarette being smoked by Mrs. Benson as she changed her oxygen tank."
Ad: "Naturally artificially flavor."
Headline: "Clinton: God, It's Hard!"
Headline: "Woman Begs for Help with Beaver"
Wedding: "Macaroni & Cheves"
Headline: "Children invited to eat pizza with Pooh"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Regiside: Kathie Lee prepares to leave the show. Viewers wear pink sweat pants at half mast. After Friday, Kathie Lee will be returned to the Welcome Wagon repair facility where she will be powered down between telethon appearances. Her replacement on the Regis show will be the Big Mouth Billy Bass."

"Athletes' Feats: Tiger Woods is now indisputably the best golfer most country clubs would reject on sight. And Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France for the second time. Asked about the guy who won the event five times, Lance said, 'Manuel is a great athlete, but did he overcome testicular cancer the way I did? I don't think so.' Incidentally, the last time two guys named Tiger and Lance won something, it was the tight shorts contest at the Provincetown Wigstock."

"Oy to the World: Barak and Arafat continue peace talks. Clinton still hoping for non-oral-sex-related legacy."

"Peace Out: Good news for war buffs as Mid-East peace talks fail. Barak was from Mars, and Arafat was from Venus."

"Hebe Said, She Said: Hillary Clinton continued her rampage of denial that she once uttered an anti-Semitic slur. Bill Clinton called the charges 'complete kikery.'"

"Felonious Monk: A Brooklyn couple were caught illegally harboring an endangered monkey. If they lose the monkey, who will pick the ticks and chiggers out of their hair?"

"It was the Queen Mum's birthday in the U.K. The Queen Mum is just like a regular Mum, except she can move multiple spaces in any direction."

"Chess Wounds: [Clips of chess where humans are the pieces, and two women actually tussle with each other] It's the intellect of regular chess, plus the violence of the WWF, but what sets human chess apart from regular chess is the hot girl-on-girl action."

"Al Gore put a limit on the amount of flesh he's willing to press by deciding not to attend a fundraiser at the Playboy Mansion."

Jon to guest Peter Fonda: "Somewhere along the line somebody slipped you some formaldehyde, my friend. You look great." Peter replying to Jon's question about whether he rode a lot on his ranch: "I don't touch the horses. Of course I can ride like the wind if I have to."

Correspondent Vance Degeneres led a segment called "Nut Case," about a male chastity belt. "The CB2000 is advertised on the internet and has been enjoyed by tens of couples."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"There's a new male contraceptive pill that's 100% effective and has no side effects. There's an even more powerful pill that makes the guy call the next day."

"On his new film Marlon Brando has been appearing on the set nude from the waist down. The film has been rated nauseating."

"Cheney will be in charge of the regular Vice Presidential duties, plus spelling."

"With Kathie Lee leaving, Live With Regis & Kathie Lee is changing its name to Free at Last."

"Britney Spears, innocent thing that she is, says she only wears skimpy clothes so she won't sweat—'down my sweet young thighs.'"

"Harrison Ford says he's not too old to play in the next film in the series: Indiana Jones & the Temple of Bingo. Make that Indiana Jones and the Comfortable Bed."

"Ricky Martin said he's looking for a woman who's 'ballsy and with fire in her belly.' Also 6'3" with an adam's apple."

"Puff Daddy threw a 30th birthday party for Jennifer Lopez. The guests all yelled 'Surprise!' as they jumped out from behind her ass."

"Archeologists found a 2,000-year-old toilet today. Bob Dole said, 'I'll be done in a minute.'"

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Our new Olympic uniforms have just been unveiled, and they prove one thing, America is a nation of sluts."

"O.J. was on Today this morning. Tune in tomorrow when Charles Manson will do the weather. O.J. says he wants the one tool he'll need to find the real killer. That would be a mirror."

"The Barak and Arafat talks broke down, ruining Clinton's legacy as a lying philanderer who brought peace to the Middle East."

"I've always wanted to ask Bill Cosby, 'Hey, is there supposed to be a bone in my pudding?'"

To guest Jason Biggs, who had sex with a pie in American Pie and now stars in Loser: "I'm way ahead of the curve. When I saw you in the pie scene in American Pie, I went, 'Loser.'"

"Over 10,000 people in New Jersey lined up to audition for The Sopranos. Over 5,000 of them were Marlon Brando."

"Dick Cheney is the running mate, so it'll be Bush & Dick in 2000."

"Tiger Woods is now following other golfers around in their private lives and doing stuff better than them."

"The Russian space capsule docking took three hours. It took forever to get the condom on."

Guest David Brenner on why he got married on HBO: "I was four minutes short on the special."

Guest Doug Benson: "I was in Las Vegas and ordered Spectravision in my room, but they played Naught Nurse 2 first. Two guys were watching a dog lick himself, and one said, 'I wish I could do that.' The other replied, 'Maybe you should pet him first.' A guy got in an elevator, and a woman said, 'Can I smell your balls?" He said, 'No!" so she snapped, 'Then it must be your feet.'"

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"The odd thing about Tiger Woods and a grand slam is that if he went into a Denny's he couldn't even order one."

"The Germans are buying our phone companies, and I'm a little uneasy about their motto: 'We have ways of making you talk.'"

On the Concorde crash: "I shouldn't say this, but at last the French have found a way to kill some Germans."

"Dick Cheney. If he were any duller, he'd be on Big Brother. He can explain to George W. the tricky stuff—like how a bill becomes a law. Cheney adds one thing to the Republican ticket: adult supervision."

"The Mideast peace negotiations were going well today. Isn't it odd Clinton has better luck in hotel rooms with Palestinian terrorists than Little Rock trailer trash."

"Dick Cheney was Gerald Ford's chief of staff. Isn't it odd that in the 70's both George W. and Gerald Ford spent a lot of time tripping?"

"I've had the test for colon cancer where they put a camera up there. Luckily, the camera loves me. But that test only goes in a couple of feet, and they're saying you really have to go in four or five feet. I hope this doesn't give CBS an idea for a new reality-based program."

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