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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

January thru March 2000

Week ending 1/7/00

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Linda Tripp had $30,000-worth of plastic surgery. Honest to God, she looks like a new man. The hospital has upgraded her to 'homely.' She wants to look her best when she starts dating in prison."

"Did you see Monica Lewinsky on Larry King? She took two phone sex calls. Monica told Larry she hates losing her privacy. She also told it to Barbara Walters, Regis and Kathy Lee, Entertainment Tonight ... "

"Monica continues to exercise poor judgment. She's now dating Puff Daddy. And what makes Puff Daddy so puffy? Shoulder holster."

"Hillary Clinton spent the day unpacking boxes and boxes of stuff—well, we'd call it 'evidence.' In 1999 Hillary started running for Senator from New York. In 2000 she'll be running for the next bus back to Little Rock. My other prediction for 2000? Rebecca Romaine Letterman."

"The new Soviet leader has a black belt in karate. President Clinton also has a black belt. It's usually down around his ankles."

"In Times Square millions of people gathered to watch a ball drop. It was like a Giants game. Two million people and six hundred temporary bathrooms—otherwise known as 'doorways.'"

"New Years Peter Jennings was on the air for 24 hours. Do you have any idea how much money they finally raised?"

Guest Dick Clark said his most unusual New Years telecast was in the late 70's when there were thirty naked people in a window in an office building.

Bandleader Paul Shaffer doubted he'd be allowed to play golf at Dave's country club. Then he mused, "I'm only half Jewish. Maybe they'll let me play nine holes."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Jane Fonda and Ted Turner are splitting. Have you seen Jane's new "It Didn't Work Out" tape?"

"Crime is down in New York. In fact, the only crime family trying to muscle into New York is the Clintons. To help in the move, Hillary's opponent, Mayor Giuliani, was nice enough to send her some empty cardboard boxes—which he took from homeless people who were living in them."

"You know what Bo Diddley got for his birthday? Diddley squat."

"You can get implants in ten minutes now at Jiffy Boobs. Oh, and they're developing an orgasm pill for older women. Women have orgasms? Anyway, next time you hear Grandma shout, 'Bingo!' ..."

"They're working on the first rap musical, Puffy Get Your Gun."

"There's no talk of marriage between Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy. They're both a little gun shy. In the Grammy nominations Puffy's up for best rap sheet."

"Monica (The Mouth of the Potomac) Lewinsky's lost a lot of weight. She's dropped three desk sizes."

"There was so much betting on the game, they're calling it the Pete Rose Bowl."

"Boris Yeltsin has resigned. The Russians know him as Puffy Face Daddy. But don't worry about Yeltsin. He always lands on his face. Though Yeltsin was shocked when his hand-picked replacement promptly fired his daughter. 'I have a daughter?'"

"L.A. really had a pitiful New Years celebration. At midnight Andy Dick ran his car into a light pole."

"Hugh Heffner had a Y2KY Jelly party."

"At Taco Bell, if you buy two burritos you get a free noisemaker. Isn't that redundant?"

Best Monday Night Headlines: "Whirlpoop Tub" and "Truancy Session Poorly Attended."

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Not only has Linda Tripp had a face lift, she's now taping in dolby stereo."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Because there was no Y2K disaster, people are returning all the batteries they bought to the stores—which are donating them to needy lesbians."

"Life imitated art recently when Beatle George Harrison yelled, 'Help! I need somebody. Help!'"

"Though she's dropped out of the Presidential race, Elizabeth Dole is still running—from her husband's erection."

"In the Grammy Awards, Cher's been nominated in three categories—best new face, breasts and ass."

Guest Jeff Bezos, Amazon.com founder: "In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running."

*****

Martin Short on The Martin Short Show:

"Y2K went off without a hitch. To be on the safe side, Bill Clinton unplugged Al Gore."

"Since Courtney Love discovered she's Jewish and not Irish, she's having the shamrock tattoos removed from her breasts. And she's changing her band's name from 'Hole' to 'Holesale.'"

"I never know whether to buy the Dummies' Guide or the Idiots' Guide. Maybe I'm bi."

*****

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Y2K No Buggery."

(On the Clinton's move) "Did the Secret Service have to warn the neighbors that a sex offender was moving in?"

Week ending 1/14/00

David Letterman is enjoying a running gag about the Hosie Cow, a lawn sprinkler with water spraying out of the tail. "Let the neighbors see a bovine urinate on your kids!"

Week ending 1/21/00

On being released from the hospital after reportedly undergoing quintuple bypass surgery, David Letterman told reporters, "I think there must have been some kind of mix-up. I went to the hospital to get a face lift."

David Letterman on The Late Show:

On his last show before quin-or-sextuple bypass surgery, Dave reported that after he interviewed Hillary Clinton, she, he and Walter Cronkite went out to Hooters to celebrate.

About the historic show itself, Dave asked his bandleader, "Tell me the truth, Paul. Did you think Hillary was hitting on me?" Then he suggested, "Let's get George W. on the show next. See if he's as dim a bulb as he seems."

Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Whispered to Me Before the Interview:
6. "Do you mind if I give a shout out to my homie Ol' dirty Bastard?"
5. "I can't believe I'm going to sit in the chair that Tony Danza sat in."
4. "You have an audience? The show always seems so quiet."
1. "And you are ...?"

"There's a lot of flu in New York. Puff Daddy's so weak he doesn't have the strength to reload. You know Puffy's been indicted for possession of a stolen gun, and I don't know if it means anything, but Kato Kaolin's moved into his guest house. The trial's going to start as soon as Puffy's attorney, Johnnie Cochran, can find something that rhymes with 'nightclub.'"

"Baseball player John Rocker said he made all those nasty comments because New York fans threw things at him in the outfield. Be fair. They only did it because he was too far away to urinate on."

"I'm very depressed. I can't find any lesbians who want to have my kids."

"What's the funniest side effect from the use of steroids? Getting elected Governor of Minnesota."

Guest Tom Arnold on why he and wife Julie may reconcile: "There's a lot of difficult stuff you have to go through in a divorce, and if you reconcile, you don't have to." Their therapist told them to have no communication. "I don't know what's happening. We may still be together for all I know." However, he's looking for a wife on his own website, www.marrytom.com. "Looks aren't important to me, because liquid diets and plastic surgery can fix anything."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

The Daily Show featured an incredibly lifelike robot baby, with a number of human movements and facial expressions. But, as host Jon Stewart pointed out, "It's hell on nipples."

"Illegal Elian. The U.S. offered to trade Cuba 6-year-old Elian Gonzalez for Janet Reno and two refugees to be named later. Janet Reno doesn't know which she hates more, Communism or children. Of course, Elian could stay in this country by getting married, but he told Mary Kay Letourneau he wanted to 'just be friends.'"

"Sit 'n' Spin. On David Letterman's show Hillary Clinton displayed the sly wit that will make her a perfect Westchester housewife."

"E, the People. A copy of the Declaration of Independence is being auctioned over the internet. The copy has never been handled, and, judging by events, seldom been read."

"Later we'll show you how to take all the parts taken out of Linda Tripp and make them into a new Webster."

"New Hampshire is the last state to accept Martin Luther King Day as a holiday. The state's motto is 'Live Free or Die,' which appears on license plates made by prisoners."

"Twisted Sister want the Atlanta Braves to quit playing their song, "I Want to Rock," to introduce loose-lipped player John Rocker. Does it get any more humiliating than having Twisted Sister not want to be associated with you?" (Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect says John Rocker doesn't care who plays when he comes out as long as it isn't Queen or Foreigner.) 

Correspondent Vance DeGeneres interviewing a man to whose trailer hitch a rooster clung for eighty miles. "Didn't anyone honk and say, 'Hey, you've got a cock on your tail?' And why didn't the cock get sucked under the trailer?"

Correspondent Lewis Black reported on a revolving restaurant in the middle of a city incinerator: "It's not a pleasant dining experience, but at least we now know what happened to Linda Tripp's old face."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Melissa Etheridge and her partner, Julie Cypher, got David Crosby to father their child. How bad is their HMO? 'I'm sorry. Brad Pitt is $300 more under your plan.' When the kids were born, instead of cigars, David gave out crack pipes. Incidentally, if you're ever fixing yourself a drink at David Crosby's house, avoid the special ice cubes in the tray in the back."

"Puff Daddy's been indicted, and he's hired Johnnie Cochran.  He doesn't need O.J.'s attorney. He needs O.J.'s jury. The defense is going to focus on Jennifer Lopez: 'If the booty is large, you must drop the charge.'"

"How can we say the Cuban kid shouldn't go back to his father when we're the nation that gave O.J. custody."

"Let that 6-year-old Cuban boy stay with Bill and Hillary. Their new house has five bedrooms, and they're only using two of them."

"Are you watching the Democratic Debates? The one still awake at the end wins."

"Actor Jan Michael Vincent was rushed to the hospital because he took Viagra and had an erection for four days. Four days is nothing. What about four years—otherwise known as 'high school.'"

"Scientists have now cloned a monkey, and the guys who cloned the sheep are saying, 'Who'd want to have sex with a monkey?'"

"Scientists are now saying eating meat is as bad for you as smoking. And if you eat smoked meat ... But what you really have to watch out for is secondhand meat."

"A toy company just came out with a doll modeled on our own bandleader. It's the Kevin Eubanks Not Getting Any Action Figure."

"The way their technology is working lately, the Russians are afraid of being beaten in space by the Amish."

"On Jeopardy two contestants split $13,000 for knowing all about nuclear physics. On Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? a guy won $500,000 for knowing Smurfs are blue."

"Playboy Playmate Angie Everhard wants the world to know her breasts are all hers. She made the final payment last week."

"It's so cold in New Hampshire, Steve Forbes' tongue got stuck to the silver spoon in his mouth."

"George W. is finding out gay Republicans don't like Bush."

"The British policy on gays in the military is, 'Don't ask, can't tell.' British guys all sound gay."

To guest who paints with her breasts: "What about your fiance? Does he have anything he paints with?"

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Donald Trump's girlfriend says he didn't break up with her; she broke up with him because he cheated on her. Maybe he is Presidential material."

"Archeologists just uncovered a 9,000-year-old skeleton. It's going to be cleaned, studied, and then given a cameo as Ally McBeal's Dad."

"A New York cab hit one of President Clinton's escort cars. Luckily, no one in the escort service was injured."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

(After showing footage of a live two-headed snake) "The two-headed snake was immediately purchased by Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche."

"At the airport in Hawaii Whitney Houston was caught with 15 grams of pot—while waiting to exhale. Oddly, 15 grams is exactly the amount of pot needed to get the average person through a Whitney Houston concert."

"An upcoming book, The Unruly Life of Woody Allen, says Soon-Yi was so young when they started dating, she bragged to her friends that she and Woody were napping together."

"Now that Bill Gates has stepped down, he says in his spare time he plans to buy Asia."

"There are indications Puffy is guilty. For example, his attorney is Johnnie Cochran. In prison he'll hear guys say Puff, Daddy. He'll miss Jennifer Lopez, but at least he'll still be an ass man."

"She's been on Letterman. Now Hillary says there's another program she'd like to be on—Divorce Court."

"Andy Rooney turned 81. He's the young kid on 60 Minutes."

"And 84-year-old author Saul Bellow just became a father, proving there's still lead in his pencil."

*****

Martin Short on The Martin Short Show:

"As far as that Supreme Court decision goes, if grandparents aren't allowed to see their grandkids, that's going to severely restrict Woody Allen's ability to date."

"Michael Douglas wants Catherine Zeta Jones to hurry up and decide if she's going to marry him. After all, she isn't getting any younger."

"Whitney Houston was arrested in Hawaii for fifteen grams of pot. She shouldn't keep her grammies in her purse."

*****

Colin Quinn on Saturday Night Live:

"It's fitting David Crosby should have fathered Melissa and Julie's child, because he's one of those guys who inspire lesbianism in the first place."

Week ending 1/28/00

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"At the Golden Globes the rain made it a cross between the Oscars and a wet t-shirt contest."

"Whitney Houston was caught with a half ounce of marijuana. Half an ounce? And she calls herself a musician!"

"If Al Gore really smoked marijuana, doesn't that prove drugs aren't cool?"

"If Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf really got married, what was the wedding night like? It's in . It's out. It's in..."

"Now Oprah's plugging a car, the Yugo Girl."

"It's freezing in Washington. Clinton hasn't been this cold since Hillary was living in the White House. It's so cold David Crosby is donating frozen sperm."

"Did you read about the Hungarian couple planning simultaneous sex change operations? They've been using too much Calvin Klein Obsession."

"Our smartest President was Thomas Jefferson. It took the press 200 years to find out he'd been fooling around."

"In Russia the big tv show is Who Wants to Win a Roll of Toilet Paper. No one's won a whole roll yet."

"Did you know Victoria's Secret was originally Boobs, Butts and Beyond?"

In Monday night Headlines, Jay showed a phone book. Under "Reptiles" was "Mary K. Ross, Attorney at Law." Then there was the unfortunate placement of an ad for a funeral home next to "Shop Til You Drop," and an ad for "Packeware Cups & Bowels."

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

Craig: "You've written four books, and Suzanne Somers has written seven."
Al Franken: "In all fairness, she's a lot older than me."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"In Mississippi it's now illegal for a man to become aroused in a strip club. The women will still dance nude, but they have to do it next to the guy's grandmother."

"Hillary Clinton said some people have a problem with her because she's a woman. Bill has a problem with her because she's not several women."

"A study has shown that a bad hair day causes depression, especially in men. Sam Donaldson has been put on suicide watch."

*****

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Orrin Hatch dropped out of the race after the Iowa primary, realizing his "Screw the farmers" slogan had been a mistake."

"In Santiago, Chile, a woman is living in a glass house. The first day she was bilked into buying aluminum siding."

"That was the Japanese robot Timsuk4, presumably making the world a better place for Tim."

On the Golden Globes: "Minnie Driver's were there."

Guest Jerry Springer revealed that when his show isn't interesting enough, they bleep innocent words to make it sound more exciting.

"Jock's Trap. A disc jockey asked Hillary Clinton if she'd ever had an affair."

Correspondent Frank De Caro called the movie Magnolia "San Fernando Valley of the Dolls."

Correspondent Michael Bliden: "Forget Jenny Craig. The only diet we'll associate with Monica Lewinsky is the protein diet."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"It's Bill Clinton's last year in office, and you know what that means—the seven-year itch."

"To discourage smoking, Canada wants to put pictures of diseased lungs on cigarette packs—and pictures of Monica Lewinsky's ass on Ho-Ho's."

*****

Martin Short on The Martin Short Show:

When model Angie Everhard said she's woken up in her first-class airline seat to find a man's hand down her blouse, Martin chided, "That'll teach you not to fly on Air Force One."

*****

The Golden Globes:

Clip from prior year of Shirley MacLaine accepting the Cecil B. DeMille Award. "Of course, I'll be speaking with Mr. DeMille personally later tonight."

Week ending 2/4/00

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young got together. David Crosby scared the crowd by yelling, 'This one's for Melissa Etheridge!' But then he just sang a song."

"Monica Lewinsky is doing a third Barbara Walters interview. Is this necessary? I doubt there's anything we don't already know about this woman, unless she was also doing Hillary."

"Today is Groundhog Day. The groundhog must have seen The Sixth Sense. He came out of his hole and said, 'I see dead people.'"

"In his State of the Union Address the President was interrupted by applause 119 times. Reminds me of my wedding night. And did you see that big portrait behind Clinton. Turned out to be Al Gore."

"Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy are engaged. It'll be a shotgun wedding. They say they want a quiet ceremony. I suppose that means silencers."

"Kate Moss says she wants to get pregnant. Then she'll be throwing up for two."

"The crime rate goes down during the Super Bowl. Of course. All the players are on the field. Football's like Congress. You're just working with a different group of felons."

"Another football player has been charged with double murder. It's like O.J. is franchising. Next year's Super Bowl is going to be held at San Quentin."

"In Miami, Little Elian Gonzalez's grandmothers took him to where there wouldn't be any crowds—Planet Hollywood."

"Did you see the weigh-in for Mike Tyson's match? Two people in their underwear glaring at each other. Just like the Clinton's bedroom. Tyson visited an old-age home in Great Britain—apparently looking for his next opponent."

"This is weird. Missouri accidentally made bestiality legal; so they're having hearings to see if they should outlaw it again. Sounds like a real dog and pony show."

"There's been so much snow in Georgia, even John Rocker is tired of all that white. Rocker got a month's suspension with pay. Isn't that a vacation?"

Guest Reese Witherspoon: "Why do Southern women make such poor prostitutes? All those thank-you letters."

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Kelsey Grammer is appearing in ads for IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Even Bob Dole is saying there are some things you just shouldn't talk about."

"Viagra says it's the official sponsor of Valentine's Day. But it's Groundhog Day when a shy little creature pops its head up."

Guest Steven Wright noted, "Isn't it odd that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the chimney and the fireplace?" Then he commented, "Imagine a Pulitzer Prize fighter."

Entries from Conan's autograph book:

"Sorry, man, I've already helped out one couple. You and [sidekick] Andy are on your own."—David Crosby

"Conan, not even if you were thirty years older."—Catherine Zeta-Jones

Guest Todd Barry said that post-sex he always puts on "after-hooker powder."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Mike Tyson's opponent went down five times in four minutes, breaking the record set by a guy at a Village People concert."

Comedian Tina Georgie: "For a woman the worst thing about a sperm bank is that sperm is no longer free. Just go into a bar, and a sperm container will try to pick you up."

*****

Bob Dole, Special New Hampshire Primary Correspondent on The Daily Show:

"I've got a bandage on my thumb, where I stuck it pulling my Bush button off and putting my McCain button on."

"McCain has a good gimmick. Now even Hillary Clinton is claiming she was a prisoner of war in Arkansas."

"The longer Bill Bradley stays in the race, the better Al Gore looks."

"Steve Forbes has a lot of good qualities. They just haven't surfaced yet."

*****

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"The Super Bowl halftime show was so bad even Christopher Reeve walked away from it."

"Grandma Seizure: 6-year-old Cuban Elian Gonzalez and his grandmothers played with an Etch-a-Sketch, or, as it's known in Cuba, a computer."

"Jolly Good Felon: In London people are gathering to touch boxer Mike Tyson and be touched by him, but not in that way, but try telling him that."

After a clip of George W. Bush saying, "I expect my road to end at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue," Jon commented, "Where he'll be locked out by whoever lives there." 

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

From a rerun, while Dave recovers from his sextuple bypass: "Our next guest has conquered the worlds of music, movies and theater, and slept with some of the biggest names in the entertainment industry. Here's Madonna!"

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"There's all this flap over whether a cable show can tell people how to commit suicide. The best way to commit suicide is to get between Linda Tripp and an eclair."

*****

Comedian Greg Proops on Comedy Central:

"Animals have two functions in today's society—to be delicious and to fit well."

"The only real Americans are the Indians, whom we let live on their native casinos."

"Canada is an entire country named Doug."

3rd Rock From the Sun:

Dick: "Your boyfriend got beaten up in your own living room?"
Mrs. Dubchek: "Well, my husband didn't care for him."

Sally: "This planet is in a bad neighborhood."

Week ending 2/11/00

But First, The Week's Top 3 Quips:

"Hillary Clinton officially announced her Senate candidacy in front of two hundred of the faithful, plus her husband." - Jay Leno

"Gary Bauer got 2% of the primary vote in Iowa and only 1% in New Hampshire. He peaked too early." - Jay Leno

"In your wedding are you going to wear virgin white or hussy white?"
"Virgin white—except for the gloves." - The Critic on Comedy Central

David Letterman on The Late Show:

From a rerun while Dave recovers from a sextuple face lift:

Top 10 Things My Mom Said to Me When I Was Growing Up (Presented by Dave's Mom):
10. "What did I tell you about putting on Mommy's lip gloss?"
9. "Remember, David, you're only here because the gypsies didn't want you."
8. "Comb your hair, or it'll look that way when you're 51."
7. "Yes, David, you're very funny—now finish your Prozac."
6. "Of course I'll be your prom date."
5. "With grades like these, you'll have to go to Ball State."
4. "Look at all the  empty chairs we invited to your birthday party."
3. "Next time you'll have to raise your own bail money."
2. "I know what you're doing in there."
1. "Time for bed, Steve, or whatever the hell your name is."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Did you read about the actress who's posing nude to try to get herself fired from her series? Let's hope Al Roker is happy with his contract. It's interesting that, evidently, in Hollywood you get fired the same way you get hired."

"Michael Douglas is having a kid. I guess he figures he's up three or four times a night anyway. He's been robbing the cradle so long, I guess he decided to put something back."

"Hillary Clinton may get a job in New York before Monica Lewinsky, and she didn't have to sleep with the President to do it. Have you seen Hillary's bumper sticker? 'If This Limo's Rockin', You Got the Wrong Clinton.'"

"Steve Forbes is throwing in the monogrammed towel. Good looks can only take you so far. He's going back to his old job of just weirding people out."

"San Francisco is going to require medical marijuana i.d. cards. Can you imagine what the pictures are going to look like." 

"I enjoyed Groundhog Day. It was nice to see someone crawl out of a hole who wasn't running for President."

"Supermodel Naomi Campbell got arrested for beating her assistant with a telephone. At least she waited until Sunday, so it was only five cents a minute."

"The World Wrestling Federation is starting a new football league. Are there enough criminals to support two leagues? As it is, football fans are doing the crime wave."

"Australia's biggest growth industry is legalized prostitution, which may be why it's called the land down under. A g'day is $50; a really g'day is $100; and it's $300 if you want to put your shrimp on the barbie."

"The Clippers fired their coach. They had a coach?"

"O.J. Simpson says he's going to marry his current girlfriend. Well, it's her funeral."

"John McCain has a hot temper, but, after Clinton, it'll be good to have a President with veins throbbing in his forehead for a change. McCain was a prisoner of war for five years. Clinton's been married to Hillary. Gore has accused McCain of not paying taxes for five years during the Vietnam War."

"The Army's so desperate for recruits that they're taking high school dropouts. Now it's SAT scores that are don't ask, don't tell."

"Fox has come up with its ultimate show, When Animals Attack Hookers."

"A study at Johns Hopkins says global warming is causing increased diarrhea worldwide. It's both our #1 and #2 problem."

"Sequels can be disappointing—Speed 2, George W. Bush..."

"Hollywood wants to break off from Los Angeles and change its name. What would be more accurate? Hookerwood? Cracklanta? Pimpsburgh? Sinsinatti?"

Monday Night Headlines featured ads for "Black Anus Steak" and "Urinated Chicken Breasts." Interesting wedding announcements were for Filler-Quick, Butts-McCracken, Hooge-Rump, Peters-Rising, Aikin-Johnson and Drinkwine-Layer.

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"There's a rumor that Madonna is pregnant again, bringing up the question, who's the lucky team?"

"Steven Spielberg is in critically acclaimed condition. The reason he had his kidney removed? Creative differences."

"In the Clinton Library everything will be filed under the Spewey Decimal System. And, of course, most books will be pop-up."

*****

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Skate Is Enough: Holiday on Ice is the most popular entertainment not involving a booth and quarters. They spin to forget."

"In Charm's Way: M.I.T. students are going to charm school, learning the etiquette of how to ask what kind of Asian your roommate is."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

Richard Belzer: "You know the scariest thing Bill Clinton's heard during sex? 'Honey, I'm home.'"

Week ending 2/18/00

Norm Macdonald on Late Show Backstage, While David Letterman Recovers From Quintuple-Bypass Surgery: "Dave has nothing to worry about. My Dad had a quintuple bypass, and he lived another ten, twelve days. Of course, he was an old guy in his fifties."

On Viagra: "I don't feel an old man should have erectile function."

On staying in a bed and breakfast that had an 85-year-old owner: "I got in bed, and there was this knock on my bedroom door, and I thought old Harold Delaney wanted to have sex with me. I didn't come there to have sex with old Harold Delaney. I wanted to go sightseeing and stuff."

"When I was fired from Saturday Night Live, I got drunk, and then the next day I woke up and realized ... I had some whiskey left."

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Model Cindy Crawford is breast-feeding her new baby, and she says she sometimes leaks during photo sessions. Sounds to me like the greatest 'Got Milk?' ads ever."

"A man in Seattle robbed a bank while wearing a flowered dress 'so the witnesses wouldn't look at my face.' Now he's in jail in a pink dress, and no one is looking at his face."

"Young singer Britney Spears is getting her own airplane. She's already bought two flotation devices."

"Ladies, when you open your mail on Valentine's Day, don't open any packages from David Crosby." [Who artificially inseminated Melissa Etheridge's girlfriend]

"They're coming out with 'Lingerie Barbie' If this doesn't work, we know Ken is gay."

Sidekick Andy Richter said he heard the clerk in the NBC Gift Shop apologizing, "I'm sorry, sir. All we have left are the Conan O'Brien postcards."

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Young Haley Joel Osment was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar. As he looked around he said, 'I see jealous people.' If he wins the Oscar, he'll look out over the crowd and say, 'I see facelifts.'"

"Jerry Lewis just said he doesn't like any female comedians, and that women are just baby producing machines. He was so irrational the Reform Party wants him to be their Presidential candidate."

"McCain and Bush are arguing about who's more like Bill Clinton. They should have Monica Lewinsky do a blind taste test."

"On Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire fifty women were willing to marry a guy when all they knew about him was that he was rich. Shouldn't that be Who Wants to Be a Hooker? The judge pronounced the happy couple wallet and wife."

"When you rub a new French bra it smells like apples. Which answers the question, 'How do you like them apples?' I have just one thing to say. Ladies, if you're wearing this bra, don't go horseback riding."

"Hackers even shut down some porn sites today. People had to have sex the old-fashioned way—over the phone."

"We've had floods in L.A. In fact, I saw [bandleader] Kevin Eubanks paddling his inflatable woman to safety."

"The Army is now taking high school dropouts, as part of their 'don't ask, can't spell' policy. They've had to change their slogan to, "We do more before the big hand is on the twelve and the little hand ...'" And on the posters Uncle Sam says, 'If you can't read this, I want you.'"

"Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears are having the traditional diva feud—saline vs silicone."

"Film critic Rex Reed claims his arrest for shoplifting was a mistake. The police say his story is good, but the character development is weak."

"Scientists announced today that Mozart died of rheumatic fever. And you thought it took a long time for your HMO to get your lab results back to you."

"Hillary Clinton came out today in favor of the death penalty—but only for adultery."

"A new book says Abraham Lincoln may have been gay. You go to the theater one time, and you get a reputation."

"O.J.'s girlfriend won't let him kill her until she gets a diamond ring. They're getting married soon. She should live so long. The last time O.J. got down on one knee he was looking for that other glove."

"Jennifer Lopez was nominated for a Soul Train award—for best caboose."

"The people at Mattell say they're going to give Barbie a bellybutton. Before they do that, shouldn't they take care of Ken first?"

"Brooke Shields' accused stalker says he loved Suddenly Susan, so we know he's insane."

"Tom Cruise made $70 million on Mission Impossible, and that was just stopping people on the street and explaining the plot to them."

"There's a new diet drug called Fatwhacker. Wasn't that Monica Lewinsky's nickname in high school?"

"Valentine's Day is sex and candy. It's like an adult Halloween. Do you know the difference between lust and love? About fifty bucks."

"Donald Trump dropped out of the race so he can spend more time with his hair."

"At a diner in upstate New York Hillary Clinton stiffed the waitress. Usually It's Bill who does that."

Guest Al Gore advised Jay to "loosen up". When Jay apologized for all the jokes he's made about him, the Vice President replied, "Actually, the Gore family sits around the dinner table and makes jokes about you." On his opponent's sports-hero appeal: "The difference between Bill Bradley and me in basketball is that I don't make a big deal about my career." On the current race: "Well, I've run both ways, and I prefer unopposed."

*****

More on Late Show Backstage, While Dave Recovers From His Sextuple Bypass:

Drew Barrymore, in a low-cut outfit, confessed to bandleader Paul Shaffer, "I love Dave from the bottom of my heart, which you can probably see."

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Steve Forbes' dropping out of the race surprised his wife, because he always finishes first."

"I'm challenging Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire with my own show, Who Wants to Go Dutch with a Lonely Cheap Horndog."

"It turns out that the parents of the winner of the Westminster Dog Show are related, so she's a Jerry Springer spaniel. She'll be used only for breeding, according to her owner, Jerry Lewis.  Contrary to expectations, Linda Tripp was not in the show. She was busy competing in the National Hog and Livestock Show."

"Seventy-six couples got married at a Philadelphia 76ers game. Shaquille O'Neal threw rice at the couples, and missed every one."

"A German company has purchased the right to make a Muppets movie: The Muppets Take Poland."

"The Pope just met with Yassar Arafat—under the mistaken impression that he was Ringo Starr."

"Several of Alan Keyes' campaign workers dropped out to work on the campaign of a snowball in hell."

*****

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"7 Brides for $7 Million: On Fox 50 women competed to marry a multimillionaire. Finally, the blessed sacrament of a forced marriage. I declare this holy immoral. The millionaire made quick work of the ethnic types and chubbies. The last question: 'Is that your final shred of dignity?' The discarded 49 went out onto the casino floor and made a beeline for anyone with a full bucket of coins."

"The rich, the lonely and the childless gathered for the Westminster Dog Show. Many of the dogs felt they had a leg up in the contest, but only one dog could win. The owner of one loser was heard yelling, 'I told you to sit on the judge's lap!."

"The Reform Party motto is, 'If you can't bang it, buy it or build on it, forget it.'"

"Andre's Got a Steffi: Andre Aggassi's marrying Steffi Graf. With two tennis stars as parents, the kids are sure to be tiny, wrinkled and covered with placenta."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"When Kevin Spacey heard he was nominated for Best Actor, he almost fell out of his closet."

Week ending 2/25/00

First, Dave Letterman's Return to The Late Show After His Quintuple Bypass:

Dave's first words after his surgery: "You're not going to believe what happened to me! I had a quintuple bypass on my heart, plus I got a haircut."

"After what I've been through, I'm just happy to be wearing clothing that opens in the front."

"A real bypass is what happened to me when I didn't get The Tonight Show."

"I now have the utmost respect for President Clinton. I spent a half hour with Hillary [just before his emergency surgery], and look what happened to me."

Jerry Seinfeld: "I thought you were dead!"
Dave: "I'm on CBS. I'm not dead. Why don't you go home to your wife?"
Jerry to bandleader Paul Shaffer as he's leaving: "You know where to reach me, right?"

Dave brought all his doctors and nurses on-stage and thanked them. One introduction: "This is the guy who cracked me open like a lobster. He's a Michelangelo with a bone saw." Guest Robin Williams: "You had all those doctors up here, and not a single beeper went off."

Dave to Regis Philbin: "How's your little quiz show doing. You gave that network a bypass."

"Now I'm a cardiac patient. I liked the old days when I was just a head case."

Shot of Time cover: "Dave's Back, CBS Stock Plunges."

"Now I get to see whether the bypass holds up. Here's Julia Roberts!" During the interview Dave reached over and patted Julia's knee, and she promptly inched her skirt up.

And the good news is that the Turkish guy with the blue cardboard dot covering the front of his speedos is still part of the show!

Kathie Lee Gifford Scores as Letterman Substitute Host:

"Who knew Dave Letterman had a heart?"

"I get to fill in for a cranky overpaid prima donna instead of sitting next to one."

"Backstage the hairdresser told me it was nice working on someone with real hair."

"Five weeks? Oprah could have had a quintuple bypass and been back taping that afternoon. And while you were under, Dave, why didn't you have your teeth fixed?"

"In case you're wondering, I got my dress at a neat little sweatshop downtown."

Exchange with guest Tom Arnold:
Tom: "I think my penis is average."
Kathie Lee: "I've heard it's small."
Tom: "What's small to you?"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show about Jennifer Lopez's nudie dress at the Grammys: "Apparently the rest of Jennifer Lopez's dress was attending a club shooting across town."

"Some designers speculated Jennifer held her dress in place with double-stick tape. I heard she borrowed some of that special hair gel from Cameron Diaz."

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

On the night Dave Letterman returned: "Ok, you folks at home can switch over for 20 seconds now. Dave looks fine."

"A Swedish scoutmaster was convicted of having sex with a horse. The horse must have been thinking, 'This guy's the worst rider I've ever seen.' And the guy had to have been pretty confident to risk being compared to a stallion."

"In today's debate George W. Bush said, 'Please let me finish,' more times than a Clinton mistress."

" As Texas Governor, not only does George W. execute women, he makes them cook their own last meal."

"The father of that 6-year-old Cuban boy, who is now 14 ..."

On Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire (before the marriage):"How bad is it for the 49 losers? They'll have to be on Gold Diggers Without Dignity. And what about the winner? Does she sleep with him on the wedding night? She doesn't want him to think she's cheap."

After the marriage: "Rick Rockwell and his wife haven't even been speaking to each other since the honeymoon, so maybe they really are married."

On the news about Rockwell's shady past: "Fox had hired the Boulder, CO, police department to check out Rockwell."

"Robbie Knievel is going to jump over the 49 women who didn't get picked."

"You know that new bra that smells like apples when you rub it? A teenage girl comes home, and her parents go, 'We smell apples. You're grounded.'"

"Darryl Strawberry knows the test is coming, but he still does cocaine. What is he, on drugs or something?"

"O.J.'s girlfriend says he asked her to marry him. The reaction in Hollywood: "I see dead people.' She'll soon be changing her name. to 'the late Christine Simpson.' She's asked four friends to be bridesmaids, and O.J.'s asked four guys to be pallbearers."

"Monica Lewinsky has a web site now. You can sit at your desk and access her, just like Clinton used to do. She's selling handbags. No straps, just two ears on the side."

"Jerry Lewis has apologized for calling women nothing more than 'baby producing machines.' It was apologize or never have sex again."

"Jon Benet Ramsey's parents have written their own book on the murder, entitled Oh Yeah, Well You Can't Prove It."

"The reason it's so hard to get around in Teheran is that all their cab drivers are here."

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"David Letterman after surgery is to significantly higher ratings as Conan O'Brien after surgery is to significantly bigger breasts."

"According to the restraining order that his old girlfriend took out against him, Rick Rockwell has a temper. So maybe Fox will have him on When Multimillionaires Attack."

"In Kentucky a 1st grade teacher was arrested for soliciting a stripper and an undercover cop for sex. She said it was just research for her class on sharing."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"In baseball spring training, Atlanta pitcher John Rocker threw out the first racial slur."

"The musical Cats is closing after 18 years. It will be buried in a shoebox in the back yard. So now if you want to see grown men running around in cat suits, you'll have to go to Marv Albert's apartment."

"Iran may allow women to remove their veils—for ten minutes a week to brush their teeth and shave."

"A designer has come out with wooden dresses. However, they can't be worn close to beavers."

"Singer Ricky Martin went home from the Grammys with a couple of handsome trophies. He also won some awards."

*****

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

On the 3-D glasses affixed to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue: ""The sticky residue on the 3-D glasses is a first a mild annoyance and then a handy excuse."

"McCain Enabled: John McCain stated, 'I will beat Al Gore like a drum,' to which Gore retorted, 'Oh yeah? Well, I'll blow John McCain like a clarinet.'"

On a shot of a crowd chanting, "We want Bush!": "They may have been confusing the concession speech with the swimsuit issue."

Week ending 3/3/00

In his appearance with guest hostess Kathie Lee Gifford on Late Night With David Letterman, actor/comedian Tom Arnold told how his gay brother Chris was coming with his new lover Tony to spend the weekend at Tom's house. Tom was nervous about being alone with two gay guys, and when they arrived, they were fighting and told him they'd just split up, so Tom was thinking, "I don't want to waste any time on this guy, because I'll never see him again." However, he was left alone with Tony, who started talking about how much he loved Chris, and pretty soon Tom called Chris in and said, "This is a wonderful guy. You're an idiot if you break up with him," and they got back together.  

Then Tom told Kathie Lee about his web site, www.marrytom.com. Supposedly over half a million women have checked out this site on which Tom invites ladies to register for dates with him. The requirements are simple: "An adult single woman of child-bearing age, good with children, willing to relocate, has goals, and self-confident enough to wear a bathing suit on vacation." More than anything Tom wants to get married and have a family. He has Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and a low sperm count, but he can still impregnate you. Just fill out the form provided on the web site. Ladies, start your engines!

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"When I went in for my quintuple bypass, my whole life flashed before my eyes—except 1982 - 1993. NBC owns the rights to those years."

"The doctor called this morning and said, 'Soon you'll be able to have sex. I've heard that for years."

"I'm on decaf now. What I miss most is the road rage."

"Bradley and Gore—talk about your decaffeinated coffee!"

"Bob Jones University. BJU. Isn't that where Monica Lewinsky went to school?"

Guest Norm Macdonald said he was a little on edge because, "I get nervous around sick people." He recounted the time he got drunk and woke up in bed beside a fat bearded guy: "Gay guys are so far ahead of things they don't even use a lady."

George W. Bush appeared via satellite Wednesday night in one of the weirdest interviews ever. Beforehand, Dave said, "He's on satellite, so he'll be here, but he won't really be here. We had a similar situation with Farrah Fawcett. George W. came off looking like a real idiot. Afterwards Dave mentioned that George W. will be on Jay Leno Monday night and commented, "That's a real summit meeting there."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Did you see where scientists have invented a marijuana suppository? Now you can smoke pot and have a crack problem. They'll call it Maui Owee. You get an uncontrollable urge to sit on a Twinkie. Talk about a cigarette butt! Pass gas and the whole room gets high. At least friends won't nag you to pass it around. And if a woman is squirming in her seat you don't know whether she's adjusting her thong or her bong."

"The Marijuana Initiative. I like saying it. It's the only time you get to say 'marijuana' and 'initiative' in the same sentence."

"Kathie Lee Gifford is quitting her morning show. Frank Gifford was so stunned he fell off his flight attendant."

"Tonya Harding was drunk, playing video poker and bashing her boyfriend with a hubcap. That's pretty much the white trash triple crown. Think how mad she must have been to pry a hubcap off her house. Actually, I'm surprised she threw it. It was part of her wedding china."

"Darryl Strawberry has failed so many drug tests he's being inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame."

"When it was revealed that magician David Copperfield never had sex with supermodel Claudia Schiffer he said it was because he didn't want to reveal how it's done."

"J.C. Penney is closing 300 stores—more bad news for Tonya Harding."

"Ball Park Franks has come out with individually wrapped hot dogs. It's like each rat gets its own coffin."

"Jennifer Lopez's dress at the Grammys. That's one way to get people to stop looking at your butt. Her boyfriend Puff Daddy didn't win a Grammy, but he said it was an honor just to be indicted."

"Cher knew she was going to win. A week ago she had her plastic surgeon put a surprised look on her face."

"A department store in Austria is offering $300 in clothes to anyone who will show up at the store completely naked. I just hope they don't do that in K-Mart here in Burbank."

"Dennis Rodman got drunk this week and married 'multimillionaire' Rick Rockwell."

"Rick Rockwell and Darva Conger each get 7-1/2 minutes of fame."

"Wasn't Rick Rockwell the pimp on The Flintstones?"

"Rick Rockwell is now looking for a bride on the internet. You know. You get used to being married after half a day ..."

"The Jon Benet Ramsey movie was killed in the ratings by the Beach Boys biography, leading Mrs. Ramsey to say to her husband, 'See. We should have killed the Beach Boys."

"Patsy Ramsey is coming out with a book. She wanted to branch out from just writing ransom notes."

"Hillary Clinton is being backed by lawyers and Disney—the crooked and the Goofy."

"The Tenth Kingdom on NBC is so bad it'll be followed by Chapter 11."

"Did you see where eBay wouldn't let this guy auction off his soul? They said, 'If you want to sell your soul, you'll just have to run for President like everybody else'."

"You heard about the astronauts having sex in space? It was just like on Earth. The next day, he still didn't call."

"Michael Douglas' new film Wonder Boys is rated R, so his fiance can't get in to see it."

"I remember the time David Hasselhoff got really mad at me, when I said I knew a character was his real evil twin because the twin couldn't act either." 

On Monday night Headlines:
"Only one hotel gives you 2 nights and crabs for $169."
"Whole boneless ice cream."
"Ass pickles $1.99"
"Gore Is Getting a Lift From Clinton's Spurt."

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Frank Gifford says, 'Just my luck. She leaves Regis.'"

"Thirty women were arrested for pulling up their blouses in New Orleans. There's a $10 cover charge for the police lineup."

"There'll be no more Monica Lewinsky Jenny Craig commercials—you know, 'A shake in the morning and then a sensible penis."

"The Queen of Spain slipped while greeting President Clinton. He says, 'Hey, I just barely goosed her.'"

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"Jennifer Lopez's dress was so amazing CBS couldn't believe its eye."

"Both John McCain and George W. Bush are taking credit for Kathie Lee Gifford leaving her morning show."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"In honor of Jennifer Lopez's dress, they're changing the Grammys to the Golden Globes."

Week ending 3/10/00

David Letterman on The Late Show:
"There was a lucky mix-up at the hospital. I went in for a routine facelift, and instead I came out with a baboon's heart. Now I can do anything."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:
"Public Enema: Katie Couric had an on-air colonoscopy. It was her colon's small-screen debut." [There was a shot of the tube being moved toward Katie and then a shot from inside her rectum, which merged into a similar-colored cave with spelunkers, followed by a doctor telling Katie, "Your colon is clean as a whistle!"] Jon gingerly lifted a whistle out of his pocket and threw it away while going, "Yuck."

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"George W. Bush thanked John McCain for bringing out the best in him. Good God! That was his best?! George W. won the three biggest states. I wonder if he can name them."

"Did you folks see New York's Gay & Lesbian Irish Parade? There was Janet Reno throwing up into a green plastic derby. Hillary Clinton went. She wanted to spend time with people who haven't had sex with her husband."

"The Vice President is trying to loosen up his image by renaming himself 'Weird Al Gore.' I don't think it's working. He visited Grant's Tomb today, and they wouldn't let him out."

Decaffeinated coffee:
"It's useless warm brown water."
"Say goodbye to your will to live."
"It's what they're drinking in hell."

On Mardi Gras: "In New York we don't need an excuse to get blind drunk and urinate in the streets."

Introducing Kathie Lee Gifford: "Last week the nation was stunned when our next guest was fired from the Regis Lee/Kathie Lee Show."

Kathie Lee: "I've been up before the cock for 18 years."

Dave: "I don't know if I have to be careful about hugging you. Tonight when you and your husband are watching the show at home ..."
Kathie Lee: "Oh, we never do. Frank has never liked you, Dave."

Guest host Nathan Lane:

"I was devastated about Dave's heart surgery. I said, 'My God! I have movies to promote!'"

"Now that she's quitting her show, Kathie Lee will have to fire those two adorable actors who play her children."

"Tonya Harding throwing tools and hubcaps at her boyfriend. She's the evil twin of Mr. Goodwrench."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"Bill Bradley gets the award for 'Worst Performance in History of a Basketball Player Not Playing for the Clippers.'"

"A man was arrested for selling crack dyed green for St. Patrick's Day. The man's name was Darryl O'Strawberry."

"Bob Jones University didn't allow interracial dating. If Michael Jackson went there, he couldn't even touch himself. But now they've dropped the interracial dating ban—as long as you have a note from your parents and you're not Catholic."

On the Southwest Airlines plane that couldn't stop on the runway in Burbank and plowed through a fence onto a city street, ending up in a Chevron station: "The passengers can't sue. Their tickets said 'non-stop.' The new Southwest slogan is 'Fly the friendly streets.' Each passenger does get one extra frequent flyer mile. Luckily there was no one at the gas station. Bill Bradley was having a rally there at the time. The nose was ripped off the plane. Tori Spelling's man is going to fix it."

"Miss Northwest Arkansas was arrested for drunk driving after delivering a speech condemning drunk driving. You know what she told the state trooper? 'And I don't give a rat's ass about world peace either!'"

"Host Jay Thomas said one of those 50 women who wanted to marry a millionaire was actually a drag queen. So Rick Rockwell's honeymoon could have been a lot worse."

"Gas is so expensive SUV now stands for Stationery Utility Vehicle."

"Because of the floods, a woman in Mozambique was forced to give birth in a tree. Her HMO said she had to be out of the tree in two days."

"In space all Clinton's girlfriends would be weightless. Monica could be over the desk."

"I thought the Latin explosion was something that happens after your third burrito."

Guest Garry Shandling:

"Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, 'Are you just going to sit around like that all day?'"

"I'm married to God—until I find a woman. Then God can get His own chick."

"I couldn't do a nude scene on tv, because there isn't room."

"I don't need Viagra. I need a pill to help me talk afterwards."

"I had a quadruple vasectomy."

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

After watching a clip of John McCain telling reporter Maria Shriver, "Please get out of here," Jon commented, "She left, but ... [in her husband Ahnold's voice] she'll be bahck!"

Guest Bob Dole: "When Al Gore gives a fireside chat, the fire goes out." Also: "I sent John McCain all my best concession speeches. No matter whether Gore or Bush wins, the President will be a 4-letter word."

Guest Ellen Degeneres: "I love you. And I think I speak for all lesbians."
Jon Stewart: "Can I be a lesbian?"
Ellen: "Anyone can."

Correspondent Vance Degeneres (Ellen's brother) interviewed several childhood friends of George W. Bush who talked about his "cooties."

After a clip of George W. Bush saying, "When I was growing up in Midland, Texas, I wanted to be Willie Mays," Jon explained, "Of course, they only had radio back then."

To counter Deborah Norville's week in jail, The Daily Show sent Nancy Walls to be locked up in a kennel. Her report: "The biggest enemy is sheer boredom. There are newspapers, but they're spread over the floor in no particular order, so they're hard to read. And I don't think anyone tried to spay Deborah Norville while she was asleep."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"Jesse Jackson is endorsing the Vice President because there are a lot more words that rhyme with 'Gore.'"

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"There was a big price drop on Wall Street. High-tech investors were jumping out of Microsoft Windows."

"Pinochet was greeted in Chile by the few people he hadn't killed."

"A woman in Mozambique gave birth in a tree, and there was no one to cut the cord, so her kid is now the world's youngest bungee jumper."

On a woman arrested at the airport for drug smuggling: "Authorities suspected the woman had cocaine in her bra because her breasts just wouldn't shut up."

"I gasped when I saw the picture of that Southwest plane in the gas station. That plane came within inches of ... having to pay $1.70 a gallon for gas."

"At the first Atlanta Braves game John Rocker will throw out the first immigrant."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Arizona is the first state to allow voting on the internet. Now Americans can make important decisions in their underwear, just like President Clinton."

"Hillary Clinton is taking a lot of heat for marching with lesbians. Up to now she's only been accused of being a carpetbagger."

Week ending 3/17/00

David Letterman's Top 10 Most Popular Shows at the Vatican:
10. "Friends ... Of the Lord"
9. "World's Scariest Popemobile Chases"
8. "Kids Say the Darndest Things and as a Result Go to Hell"
7. "Platonic Love Boat"
6. "Live! With Jesus & Kathie Lee"
5. "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch Is Burned at the Stake"
4. "Beverly Hills XDCCX"
3. "Everybody Loves Praying"
2. "Virgin Mary Tyler Moore"
1. "M*A*S*S"

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Al Gore wants to debate George W. twice a week on tv. I'd better warn him; the American public doesn't respond well to threats."

"Shape up, [bandleader] Paul. This is CBS, but it's still being televised."

"The Clinton scandals can't hurt Gore. They didn't even hurt Clinton."

Guest Al Franken: "The first politician I ever endorsed was Pol Pot. A year later I saw The Killing Fields and felt like an idiot."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

Star athlete Jason Freehorn proposed to gorgeous Angie Harmon in front of Jay and Elton John. The next night Jay admitted, "It's just like high school. I was talking with the most beautiful girl in school; a football player showed up and took her away; and I was left listening to Elton John."

"Gas is so expensive guys are dating Monica Lewinsky just for her siphoning skills."

"Prostitutes in London's Soho district have gone on strike. Soho will be Noho for awhile."

"In a related story, Heidi Fleiss has filed for bankruptcy. Yes, she's going belly up. She's so broke she's calling herself The Planet Hollywood Madam. But listen, here's one going-out-of-business sale you don't want to miss."

"In her new book Cybill Disobedience, Cybill Shepherd says she once had sex with two Hollywood stuntmen at the same time. Is that a union thing?"

"Who Want to Marry a Millionaire bride Darva Conger says she'll pose nude if it's 'tasteful.' You know the difference between porno and tasteful? The donkey."

"It's so hot today that Southwest planes are cruising down the street with their tops down."

"To all you parents of kids on spring break, yes, you may already be grandparents."

"They're now cloning pigs. It's the first step in creating a Clinton girlfriend."

"Britney Spears is dating a Backstreet Boy, and even she doesn't know which one it is."

"Mission to Mars opened today. It's about a group of actors who go to another planet to escape bad reviews. Oh, and speaking of Uranus, Rick Rockwell... The so-called multimillionaire, is doing stand-up in Arizona. You know his big new line—'Take my wife, please.'"

"Kathie Lee Gifford said the prescription for getting over Frank's cheating is lots of sex. Frank likes the prescription. He just wishes he could get it filled in another pharmacy."

The next night: "Frank Gifford is now wearing a neck brace. I hear he tried to hang himself when he learned Kathie Lee would be around the house all the time."

"The National Rifle Association is feuding with President Clinton, who once left the country for four years to avoid carrying a rifle."

"Football's Dan Marino retired after 17 years in the league. And not one murder!"

"Catholics just apologized for 2,000 years of mistakes, and the Baptists apologized for President Clinton. Incidentally, scientists have mixed the genes of Bill Clinton and an Englishman to get a man with a normal sex drive."

On Katie Couric's on-air colonoscopy: "The producers first got the idea of shoving a camera up a Today Show anchor's rear end with Bryant Gumbel."

"They're now making baby bottles shaped like a woman's breast. They ought to make beer bottles like that."

"Frank Gifford's not a young man anymore. When he had sex with that flight attendant, the oxygen mask dropped down."

"Halle Berry [involved in a car mishap] will be in a sequel: Driving Into Miss Daisy."

"Al Gore has the opposite problem of George W. Bush. When Al's asked about Chinese leaders, he has to pretend he doesn't know who they are. And Bush says he'll debate Gore 'when people are paying attention.' If people were paying attention, Bush wouldn't be the candidate."

Guest Elton John: "Two black lesbians. One says to the other, 'You de man!'"

Monday Night Headlines:
"Smith Wins Spilling Bee"
"Church Closes Food Bank Because It Attracts Poor People"
"For sale: Pee dispenser and candy"

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Immaculate Contrition: The Pope apologized for everything the Catholic Church has ever done wrong. It looks like somebody's trying to get into Heaven. Sometimes 'culpa' is the hardest word to say. Meanwhile, I'm issuing the Jewish Apology. We're really sorry about Yentl."

Guest Garry Shandling: "The Pope is single too. You don't hear people saying he has commitment problems."

"A National Rifle Association shot his big mouth off today. Unfortunately, that's just an expression. Wayne LaPierre of the NRA attacked President Clinton. LaPierre condones killing because he needs the sweet nectar that is human blood."

Guest Eddie Izzard: "They say guns don't kill people; people kill people. But I think the guns help. Just standing there saying 'bang' doesn't really hurt anybody."

"Love Sphinx: Egyptian women can now divorce their husbands."

Story of Salman Rushdie and his new young honey: "Eschewing the Fatwah: She's already a successful model, but the real money will be in luring Salman out into the open."

"The Green Party is represented by Ralph Nader, who at the moment is still wandering around the abandoned set of Donahue."

Correspondent Frank De Caro on the movie Boys Don't Cry: "I call it Cross-Dressing Dangerously."

Other Segment Titles:
"Mirror, Mirror on the Block:" Chicago Tribune buys L.A. Times-Mirror
"The Blarney Stoner:" Clip of drunk Irishman

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"I didn't get much sleep last night. At 3 in the morning a guy started banging on my door, screaming and yelling. So I got up and let him out."

"Darva Conger is going after a new millionaire. Pretty soon she'll be Darva Philbin."

"Bush or Gore, or as I call them Bore. Al Gore made a little boner, telling the students at a school for the blind, 'You ain't seen nothing yet.'"

"Here are the Super Tuesday results at a glance. We're all screwed."

"A spokesman for John McCain says, 'Anyone looking for a good spokesman?'"

"Pamela Anderson is splitting up again. In a related story, I'm single and like to make home movies. So call me, Tommy Lee."

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"President Clinton says running out of gas should be a dating ploy and not a reality."

"Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford are having so much sex now that he's begging her, 'Couldn't I just work in a sweatshop instead?'"

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Not only are we stuck with these two boors, Gore and Bush, we can't even afford the gas to get away. A poll has shown that women prefer Gore, while men prefer Bush, except gay men, who can't develop a taste for Bush."

Week ending 3/24/00

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"Our long national nightmare is over. They've found the Oscars. The theft was the most embarrassing thing that's happened to the Academy since I hosted the awards."

"I've moved from Connecticut to Westchester so I can vote for Hillary."

"For my heart surgery they went in through my wallet."

"On my census form I listed a wife and three kids. I didn't want to look like a loser."

"Until the New York cab shortage is solved, it's ok to urinate in busses."

"For St. Patrick's Day there were 3,000 arrests, and those were just the Kennedys."

"When I heard Madonna was pregnant, I, like every man in America, tried to remember how many months it had been since I'd had sex with her."

Re: Dave's crusade against decaffeinated coffee ("It's useless warm brown water," "Say goodbye to your will to live"), my friend Michael Zambotti says, "I use it to sober up after a night of drinking non-alcoholic beer."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

"The Ramsey book is an alibiography."

"In New York Bill Clinton is having trouble finding a golf club that will accept him. O.J. can play anywhere he wants."

"India is fixing its potholes for Clinton's visit. Why? He's from Arkansas. While he's in India Clinton may ride an elephant. That'll bring back memories. He couldn't go to one village in Bangladesh. It's one where they stone adulterers. One good thing, cows are sacred in India, and no one makes a cow feel more special than Clinton."

"Monica Lewinsky fired her new personal trainer for talking to the press. It's ironic for Monica to be firing someone for opening his mouth."

"Madonna is with child. Well, so is Michael Douglas."

"Screaming Jay Hawkins is dead, leaving 57 children. His wife is the one who should be screaming."

"Little Elian has to go back to Cuba. But not after a big meal. They'll wait an hour before putting him in the water."

"Put kitty litter in your shoes, and it'll take away the odor. Unless, of course, you own a cat."

"Sex after a fight is often the best there is, which is why you're never allowed in the locker room right after a prizefight."

"The Oscars were stolen. Security guard Gary Coleman was sleeping at the time."

"They found the stolen Oscars in a dumpster—along with Darva Conger's unused negligee, some of Patsy Ramsey's practice ransom notes, Jim Carrey's Oscar acceptance speech and some rolled-up socks belonging to Ricky Martin. The guys who stole the Oscars said it doesn't matter if they're convicted. It was an honor just to be arrested."

The four female orgasms:
Positive: "Oh yes, oh yes!"
Negative: "Oh no, oh no!"
Religious: "Oh God, oh God!"
Fake: "Oh Jay!"

"The Pillsbury Doughboy turned 39. The next time he gets poked by that finger, it'll be a prostate exam."

"I had my car towed today. It was cheaper than buying gas."

"It was so hot in L.A. today I was sweating like Mick Jagger at a paternity hearing. I was sweating like the Ramseys on 20-20.""

"Hillary Clinton's becoming a rapper, Queen Subpoena. Bill Clinton is Run DNA."

"Britney Spears caught her boyfriend, Justin Timberlake of 'Nsync, lip-synching to another girl."

"The weather's been so beautiful in Texas they're executing prisoners outside."

Monday Night Headlines:

"Found: Small black dong in Shadow Mountain"
Ad for "Hormel Ass Chops"
Ad for "Bone-In Pork Butt Roast"
Ad promising "Free crust with every pizza"
Ad for "Iron-on Tattoos and Patches"
Newspaper story: "The dump truck driver who dropped processed human excrement on the Interstate was charged with dumping his load."

Weddings:

Burger-King
Collard-Green
Gross-Housekeeper
Cross-Dressing
Moron-Clinton
Brown-Butts
Poos-Loud

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"The Host and the Darkness: Alex Trebec took "Bitter & Jealous for $1,000" when he complained that on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire the questions are too easy and Regis Philbin isn't that smart. Trebec, who reads off index cards for a living ..."

"London cabbies spend years learning the street layout. In New York, cabbies learn which thermos is for coffee and which is for urine, and which they can drink in front of the passengers."

"Enemy's Lisp: Criticized by Gov. Bill Owens of Colorado for being too soft in her interview with the Ramseys, Barbara Walters said, 'I'm not here to defend myself.' She then added, 'If I did defend myself, the dragon tattoo on my chest would be the last thing you'd ever see.'"

"A Farewell KISS: The members of KISS have donned their chain mail and support stockings for the last time."

"In the Can: The stolen Oscars were found in a dumpster. An Academy spokesperson stated that any statues that were nicked or dinged would simply be handed out in the technical categories."

"To Elian Gonzalez. Hey, kid, if you wanted to stay here, you should have fallen down a well. We love that."

Jon: "In her new book Cybill Shepherd admits to spending a night with Elvis Presley."
Beth Littleford: "I hope it was the skinny one."

Announcing that Monty Python was getting back together again for a tour, Jon brought on Eric Idle, who said, "Actually it's just me that's getting back together again. In fact, I think the others are all dead, aren't they? My show will feature 'Spot the Loony.' The most peculiar audience memeber will be brought on-stage and asked to donate their liver."

In filling out his census form, correspondent Stephen Colbert claimed he lived in a mobile home with 50,000 people, so he'd qualify for his own congressperson.

More Segment Titles:
"Taipei Personality:" the Taiwan elections
"Rug Trafficking:" lift of import duties for Iran.

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"An Arkansas man got ten months for mooning the judge during his trial on another charge."

"Monty Python's Eric Idle is appearing in Liverdance."

Colin Quinn on Saturday Night Live:

"Salman Rushdie's new girlfriend is said to have a body to die for."

"Leonardo DiCaprio's brother was arrested for attempting to murder his girlfriend, leading O.J. to say, "Not so easy is it?"

"A crowd booed Hillary Clinton and told her to go back to Arkansas. She was unfazed, having suffered similar abuse from her husband."

On the Kennedy arrested for murder: "Because he's a Kennedy he could end up with 5 to 20 ... chins."

On high gas prices: "George W. Bush said he'd invade Alaska and steal their oil."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"If Madonna's child is a boy, it'll be the longest relationship she's ever had with a man."

"This is not the first time an Oscar has been stolen. In 1993 Marisa Tomei stole an Oscar for My Cousin Vinnie."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"Little Elian has to go back to Cuba, which is a pity, since he was next in line to impregnate Madonna."

"Gas is so expensive that today Halle Berry hit and stayed."

"The Pope is in the Holy Land, doing his victory lap."

"The hard part was removing the Oscars from the dumpster without disturbing Jan-Michael Vincent. The case had been so baffling the L.A. cops didn't even know who to plant the evidence on."

Week ending 3/31/00

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show: "The Oscars: Four Hours You'll Never Get Back: Hilary Swank won for Boys Don't Cry —unless they're married to Hilary Swank [shot of Hilary's husband, Chad Lowe, crying as she accepts her award]. Hilary stuffed the Oscar down her pants and hit the bars."

Billy Crystal at The Oscars [Billy was carried out and "planted" on the stage by a member of the L.A.P.D.]

"This is the Oscars, otherwise known as 'Regis' Night Off.'"

On the stolen Oscars: "The thief still has three Oscars. The police describe him as armed and pretentious."

"Green Mile's the place to be. Tom Hanks is there, but he can't pee."

"Dr. Laura couldn't be here tonight. She couldn't get anyone to do her hair and make-up."

"Hilary Swank is up for Best Actress With a Supporting Part."

"In The Sixth Sense Haley Joel Osment saw things that weren't there, like Bruce Willis with hair. He may go home with Oscar and with Cher."

"The Pope has just apologized for Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo."

As the stars were shown on the screen, Billy told what they were thinking:
Annette Bening: "I hope the baby doesn't look like David Crosby."
Dame Judith Dench: "This thong is killing me."
Michael Clark Duncan: "I see white people."
Willie Fulgear (who found the lost Oscars): "This is nice, but what I really want to do is direct."

Other Oscar Bits:

Cher: "You'll notice I'm dressed as a grown-up. I apologize to the Academy, and I'll never do it again."

Kevin Spacey on why he was presenting an award without Annette Bening: "In her condition I can't ask Annette to climb stairs, unless she wins, in which case she'll crawl up here on all fours."

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

"I watched the Oscars. I was amazed a show that long would have the gall to give an award for 'Editing.' It's a shame the show wasn't as tight as Faye Dunaway's face. The show was so dull I thought I was hosting."

"Due to a mix-up, young Haley Joel Osment from The Sixth Sense was accidentally returned to Cuba today. It looks like little Elian himself is going back. We return any Cuban who can't pitch."

" Willie Fulgear, the guy who found the Oscars, is really milking this celebrity thing. Last night he was involved in a nightclub shoot-out with Jennifer Lopez."

"On your New York return this year you can check a box if you want to donate a dollar toward sending Hillary back to Arkansas. They're saying her run for the Senate is just a step toward running for President. That's just what we need, Bill Clinton back in the White House with even more free time."

Wondering why CBS hasn't had him tape any of those "The Address Is CBS" promos: "They know I lived through the surgery, right?"

*****

David Letterman's Top 10 Lists:

Top 10 Signs Madonna is Settling Down:
10. Says "please" and "thank you" during sex with nameless strangers.
9. Baby-proofed cabinets using her old handcuffs.
8. Pizza delivery boy just delivers pizza then leaves.
6. "When asked"'Who's the father?" actually has a few good leads.
2. No longer qualifies for quantity discount on batteries at Radio Shack.

Top 10 Facts About Beef:
8. It comprises 3 percent of the average McDonald's cheeseburger.
7. It tastes great, then a couple of hours later an alien bursts out of your stomach.
6. Madonna seems to like it.
5. Cows are keeping a list of people who eat beef for when they rise up and kill the humans.
2. Something about George Michael and a public restroom.
1. It's been seen sneaking out of Oprah's house early in the morning.

Top 10 Tips for Living 100 Years:
6. For the love of God, don't name your kids "Lyle" and "Erik."

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:
(Jay is in re-runs this week)

"They should let the Menendez brothers out of jail and let the Ramseys adopt them. What's going on with the Ramsey's World Alibi Tour? NBC is giving them their own show: Kids Used to Say the Darndest Things."

"Product least likely to make it? Crotchless Depends."

"Studies show 5% of people on antidepressants have orgasms when they yawn. So what the hell do they have to be depressed about? And just think, Al Gore may be responsible for more sex than Bill Clinton."

"Clinton is in India looking at tigers. It's not the first time he's faced a man-eater."

"Monica Lewinsky's handbags are selling for $180 each. Yet you can get a real Lewinsky from a hooker for only $50."

"PETA {People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) claims men who eat meat can become impotent. I think we can pretty well rebut that one." Showed clip of Bill Clinton eating a hamburger.

Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

"Mutt Plug: The canine sock puppet, spokesdog for Disney-owned Pets.com, was featured for 15 minutes on Disney-owned Good Morning America." Jon to guest, newsman Sam Donaldson, "Would you interview the sock puppet if your bosses asked you to?" Sam: "NO! I mean, yes, of course."

On the Polish director who won a special Lifetime Achievement Award: "Do you know how a Polish audience watches a film? They look at the projector."

"Money for Puffin': [on the $20-million jury award to woman dying of lung cancer, even though she started smoking after the warning label was added]: In the 70's warning labels were less specific: 'Have a nice cancer. - Surgeon General.' The jury settled on $20 million, rather than a billion, because they were afraid the tobacco companies would run out of money before they themselves got cancer."

"Heston Tensions: [Clip of Charlton Heston speaking at Brandeis University]: "He was wearing a Guns 'n Moses t-shirt. Like all National Rifle Association leaders, Heston's blood type is cold."

Correspondent Dave Attell on the need for firearms: "You never know when some nut is going to come up to you and say something like, 'You're fired.' You've gotta be ready."

"Michael Jordan says he's going to quit doing all those endorsements. His wife is tired of hearing, 'This cunnilingus is brought to you by Michael Jordan.'"

*****

Conan O'Brien on Late Night:

"There was an awkward moment when the Pope said to Yassar Arafat, 'That's funny. You don't look Jewish.'"

"In New York Monica Lewinsky was heckled by a woman who had to be led away. The woman was released and resumed her Senate campaign."

"Ozzie Osborne is retiring before he has to start gumming the heads off bats."

*****

Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show:

"I was the big Oscar winner, because I fell asleep by 8:30."

"The Matrix swept all categories that didn't involve acting."

"Haley Joel Osment sees another dead person — his publicist."

"Best Score went to whoever took home Winona Ryder."

"The Pope apologized for everything his posse has done over the last two thousand years: 'Hey, Dudes, it was nothing personal.'"

"Disney will now allow employees to have mustaches. This is part of its program to attract Hungarian women."

*****

Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect:

"A 77-year-old woman in Las Vegas was attacked by killer bees. It took a fire hose to get the bees off her—and a crowbar to pry her hand from the slot machine handle."

"In India even the untouchables are turning out for President Clinton. They figure if anyone will touch them ..."

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