January Strangies: Leno 5, Fallon 4, Letterman 3, Kimmel 3, O'Brien 3, Colbert 1, Ferguson 1, Stewart 1

Monday, January 31

10. David Letterman: This year the Academy Awards have nominated remakes of two John Wayne movies. "True Grit," of course. And the other one is "Black Swan."

9. Conan O'Brien: Taco Bell took out full-page ads telling the true details of what's in their beef. Not surprisingly the ads make great bathroom reading.

8. David Letterman: We've had so much snow in New York, the hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, for fifty bucks more are offering lift tickets.

7. Jay Leno: The Pentagon has announced a 3-month timetable for gay to be able to serve openly in the military. They want it so coincide with the season finale of "Glee."

6. Jimmy Fallon: CBS is putting the highly rated "Two and a Half Men" on hiatus until Charlie Sheen finishes rehab. Today NBC sent him 3 get-well porn stars and a suitcase of cocaine.

5. Craig Ferguson: When someone told Queen Victoria about lesbians she said no, I'm pretty sure that doesn't exist. Then I wondered who decided they had to tell the Queen about lesbians. "Your Majesty, I have news from the golf course. There are lesbians." "What do they do?" "Awesome things, Your Majesty." "What kind of things?" "Whisper, whisper, FCC." "I don't believe that happens."

4. Conan O'Brien: Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the internet back on.

3. David Letterman: Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It's like visiting your parents' house.

2. Conan O'Brien: Celebrities are tweeting about Egypt. Larry King has offered to go there and speak personally to the Pharaoh.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Bristol Palin announced she has a new boyfriend. No word yet on their new baby's name.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1  2010

Page 106 - [Mark Twain lost a fortune on James Paige's automatic typesetter.] Paige and I always meet on effusively affectionate terms; and yet he knows perfectly well that if I had his nuts in a steel-trap I would shut out all human succor and watch that trap till he died.

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Saturday, January 29
Special "Saturday Night Live" report

Seth Meyers: Elderly people may have trouble driving because instead of focusing on objects ahead of them in the street, they concentrate on interracial couples on the sidewalk.

Seth Meyers: Lady Gaga has come out with her own scent, which smells like semen and blood.

From Neatorama.com

Here's a commercial for the sex-change pill Estro-Maxx.

Friday, January 28
(Only Leno & Ferguson live)

10. Jay Leno: Authorities have broken up a gang of Mexican smugglers who were using a catapult to launch bales of marijuana over the border into Arizona. The only reason they got caught? Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg showed up with catchers mitts on our side of the border.

9. Jay Leno: Really, how different is a hospital from Charlie Sheen's house? There are 5 women dressed as nurses, plenty of drugs, and it's still costing him $12,000 a day.

8. Jay Leno: The good news is that today Charlie Sheen did check himself into rehab. Even as we speak his penis is being treated for exhaustion.

7. Craig Ferguson: People love hit men and hookers with a heart of gold. In real life you'll have more luck finding the Loch Ness Monster than a hooker with a heart of gold. I look forward to your letter, Nessie. Nessie is a hooker with a heart of gold who lives in Loch Ness. Great piece of tail.

6. Jay Leno: The Egyptian protesters are using Facebook to get away from the police, but the police are using Farmville to build fences to keep the protesters in.

5. Jay Leno: Girl Scouts sell $700-million-worth of cookies every year. Why don't the Boy Scouts follow them around and sell milk?

4. Craig Ferguson: When I take my car in to the mechanic I like to pretend I know what I'm talking about. "I think it's something with the carburation, or maybe the warp drive." Then I ruin it because I giggle whenever anyone says "lube job."

3. Craig Ferguson: Are you supposed to tip your mechanic? I can never remember. I always just give him a kiss on the cheek. Well, you can't shake his hand. He's got gunk all over his hand. Same reason you can't shake hands with a prostitute.

2. Craig Ferguson: My favorite mechanic is Mr. Goodwrench. You know, the big burly guy with a big shiny tool in his hand. There he is. [Photo of Brett Favre]

1. Jay Leno: North Carolina reports 81 teachers were arrested last year on charges of having sex with students. Psychologists say this situation can be emotionally damaging for those kids who got picked last.

Mikey Day Time Travels to Meet Marilyn Monro on Leno
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Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Thursday, January 27
(Letterman & Fallon in reruns)

10. Craig Ferguson: When the ancient Egyptians died they had their brains removed and their bodies preserved by chemicals. They were the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills of their day. Then they put their vital organs in a jar. I put my vital organ in a jar once. Took a whole stick of butter to get it out. Best damn week of my life.

9. Conan O'Brien: A study found 4 seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation painfully awkward, especially if the silence is preceded by the phrase, "I got the test results back."

8. Craig Ferguson: I've never been to Egypt. The closest I've gotten is the Luxor Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, which is better that the real Egypt, because the Luxor has Carrot Top six nights a week!

7. Conan O'Brien: A storm left 300,000 people in Washington, D.C. without power. They're called Democrats.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: We're abandoning the color coded warning system for terror alerts and are going back to the old system of tagging people with beards. No, they're going to announce when you get to the airport what kind of search procedures they're using. [Clip of airport with announcer saying, "Today is a testicle search day."] And it goes faster if you put them in a ziploc bag.

5. Jay Leno: The Illinois Supreme Court ruled that Rahm Emanuel can run for Mayor of Chicago. If dead people can vote, live people can run.

4. Jay Leno: Police in Mississippi arrested a man after he had sex with four of his neighbor's prize show hogs. And he wasn't even romantic about it. It was just wham, bam, thank you, ham. You know how he got caught? Somebody squealed.

3. Conan O'Brien: North Korea has opened an amusement park comparable to Disneyland. I'm not sure how long it's going to last. Kim Jong Il isn't tall enough to go on any of the rides.

2. Jay Leno: A "Boston Globe" columnist is proposing February be a Palin-free month. You know a better month? November 2012.

1. Conan O'Brien: This weekend is Oprah's birthday. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I hear this time she's getting a full sister.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1  2010

Page 75 - 97 - [There's a fascinating account of how Mark Twain came to be the publisher of General Grant's memoirs.]

99 - April 4, 1885. General Grant is still living this morning. Many a person between the two oceans lay hours awake last night, listening for the booming of the fire-bells that should speak to the nation in simultaneous voice and tell it its calamity. The bell-strokes are to be thirty seconds apart and there will be sixty-three -- the General's age. The will be striking in every town in the United States at the same moment -- the first time in the world's history that the bells of a nation have tolled in unison, beginning at the same moment and ending at the same moment.

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Wednesday, January 26
(Letterman & Fallon in reruns)

10. Conan O'Brien: The meat content in Taco Bell's ground beef is only 36%, which explains their new slogan: "Think outside the cow."

9. Jimmy Kimmel: Rep. Michele Bachmann gave a rebuttal for the Tea Party, and she is a natural on camera.  [She looked to the side the whole time.] Either the cue cards were in the wrong place or she was keeping an eye out for illegal immigrants the whole time.

8. Jay Leno: Over 10 million Saudi Arabians are online. The most popular site for women is CoverYourFacebook.

7. Jay Leno: Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. You bet. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumb ass vote.

6. Craig Ferguson: Apparently a growing number of circumcised men are getting their foreskins reattached. How can that even happen. "Hello, Mom, can you dig through some of my baby stuff ..." Luckily I'm European, so that's one little dance I don't need to attend.

5. Craig Ferguson: Police arrested a man in Mississippi for having sex with one of his prize show pigs. But right in the middle he yelled out the name of one of  his cows. "Daisy!" "Oink WHAT!?" That's right, I just imitated a pig having sex. Again.

4. Conan O'Brien: A former Catholic priest who left the church to marry his girlfriend is getting a TV show to be called "Leave It for Beaver."

3. Jimmy Kimmel: When our show started in 2003 there was no Facebook, no iPhone. A text was something you had to read for school. A tweet was something Barbara Walters gave her dog.

2. Conan O'Brien guest Nick Thune: I bcc Stevie Wonder on every e-mail I send. It's because he wants to know what I'm up to, and he doesn't want everybody to know he knows about it.

1. Conan O'Brien: Disney has a new cruise ship aboard which Disney show tunes play 24 hours a day. When he heard about it, Satan said, "These guys are good."

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Tuesday, January 25
(Letterman & Fallon in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: In North Carolina last year 37 teachers were arrested on 81 charges of having sex with a student. The amazing part is that it was all with the same student. If this kid isn't elected Prom King ...

9. Jimmy Kimmel: Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner.

7. Jimmy Kimmel: Academy Award nominations were announced at 5:30 this morning. Every year I get up early, call every famous person I know and say, "Great news! ... I got a new car!"

6. Craig Ferguson: The Scottish poet Robert Burns drank a lot. A lot of great writers drank. Burns, Hemingway, Snooki.

5. Jay Leno: Instead of opposite sides, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other. The press called it "date night." They go on the date, but we're the ones who get screwed.

4. Conan O'Brien: A former Catholic priest who left the church to marry his girlfriend is getting his own TV show. It's called "You Won't Believe How I Met Your Mother."

3. Jay Leno: Marriott Hotels is getting rid of adult movies. No more porn in the rooms. You know who's really happy about this? The maids. Marriott will still have room service. Just no more self-service.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: Obama made a major announcement tonight. He's Oprah's half-brother. That's why there's been so much confusion about the birth certificate.

1. Jay Leno: A "Washington Post" columnist is proposing a "Sarah-Palin-Free February," a whole month in which she's not mentioned. This is stupid. Don't pick February, the shortest month.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1  2010

Page 73 - 1884 [Conservatives had taken over the Chinese government and ordered all Chinese students in the U.S. to come home. Mark Twain traveled to New York to ask General Grant to intervene. Grant wrote a letter.] We shipped the letter and prepared to wait a couple of months to see what the result would be.

But we had not to wait so long. The moment the General's letter reached China a telegram came back from the Chinese government which was almost a copy in detail of General Grant's letter and the cablegram ended with the peremptory command to old Minister Wong to continue the Chinese schools.

It was a marvelous exhibition of the influence of a private citizen of one country over the counsels of an empire situated on the other side of the globe. Such an influence could have been wielded by no other citizen in the world outside of that empire -- in fact the policy of the Imperial government had been reversed from room 45, Fifth Avenue Hotel, New York, by a private citizen of the United States.

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Monday, January 24
(Letterman & Fallon in reruns)

10. Conan O'Brien: The Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin.

9. Conan O'Brien: MSNBC abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least 6 months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan. Andy Richter: I thought The Conan was a body-hair wig.

8. Conan O'Brien: A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can't run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he's free to purchase the position.

7. Conan O'Brien: Today Oprah announced she's found her half-sister, who was given up for adoption as a child. Then, so no one felt left out, Oprah gave everyone in the audience their own half-sister. "Look under your seats." Oprah's half-sister said, "Guess what, mofos, I'm rich!"

6. Craig Ferguson: Larry King left, then Regis, now Olbermann. Horrible things always happen in threes, like the Jonas Brothers.

5. Jay Leno: Bedbugs are developing resistance to pesticides and are growing stronger and stronger. And they accomplished all this without even getting out of bed.

4. Craig Ferguson: There's a company here in California making marijuana soda. They haven't decided on a name yet. I think they should call it Toke-a-Cola. Mountain Doobie. Dr. Reefer. Diet Smoke. Really Mellow Yellow.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez had a rough first half this weekend. [Showed clip of him picking his nose and wiping it on a teammate."  That's where the term "Dirty Sanchez" comes from. At least the Jets wear green.

2. Conan O'Brien: Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension.

1. Jimmy Kimmel: A woman has discovered she's the half-sister of Oprah. THE Oprah. Now she just has to decide whether she wants the lump sum or annual payments.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Friday, January 21

(Stewart, Colbert, O'Brien and Handler off or in reruns)

10. Jimmy Kimmel: This picture of Obama with President Hu of China has people wondering if our President is dying his hair. Maybe he's been using a little Just for Presidents.

9. Jay Leno: Scientists found bone fragments in Texas that prove that 10,000 years ago humans ate dog meat. They also found a tattered menu describing it as Kung Pao Chicken.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: Oprah's new TV channel isn't doing so well. It makes you wonder if America's getting tired of Oprah. [Suddenly there were bolts of lightning and crashes of thunder in the studio and all the lights went out.] And of course the answer is no, American isn't getting tired of Oprah. Better start watching that channel.

7. Jimmy Fallon: Taco Bell has pulled its ads from MTV's new show "Skins" because of inappropriate content. Inappropriate content? Have you seen what's inside a chalupa?

6. Craig Ferguson: It's a great day for one of America's great authors, Snooki. Her book has made the N.Y. Times best-seller list. And the other 3 Horsemen of the Apocalypse will be right along.

5. Craig Ferguson: I think sex is only good when you and your partner experience both physical and emotional pleasure. And that costs $500 an hour.

4. David Letterman guest Mike Palascak: If you're Catholic you can't have sex til you're married. If you die 1st you go to Heaven a virgin. Then you have to sleep with a terrorist. I don't make the rules. I just mix them up in my head.

3. Jay Leno: "The National Enquirer" says Sarah Palin's husband Todd has been having an affair with a massage therapist who's also been arrested for prostitution. What is it with all these massage therapists? Al Gore, Brett Favre, and now Todd Palin. When will one of these stories have a happy ending?

2. Jimmy Kimmel: A Tucson taco place is planning to start serving tacos filled with lion meat. Every lion taco will come with a side of Hakuna Matater Tots.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Marriott is planning to quit offering porno movies on their TVs. All rooms will now be non-stroking.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Thursday, January 20

10. Jon Stewart: The Socialist Network: Chinese President Hu Jintao is visiting us. When a country owes you a billion dollars they have a problem. When they owe you a trillion dollars, YOU have a problem. We're too big to fail!

9. Conan O'Brien: Nearly 1 in 3 people can't resist using Facebook while in the bathroom. I'm just grateful they're not using Skype.

8. Jimmy Fallon: A company in Japan has a new $7,000 toilet. Comes with a sound system and a heated seat.  If you can't afford it, all you need is an iPod and someone to use the toilet before you.

7. Craig Ferguson: The Feds opened up a giant can of whupass on the Mafia, arresting 127 mobsters in New York, New Jersey and Rhode Island. The cops said they hadn't seen that many Italian-American men in handcuffs since they raided Madonna's bedroom. They were raiding for misuse of a British accent.

6. Jimmy Fallon: President Obama served lobster at the state dinner last night, so for once Joe Biden wasn't the only one wearing a bib.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: Sandra Bullock's ex Jesse James is engaged to Kat Von D. They're both so heavily tattooed that when they make love it looks like a load of Ed Hardy shirts in a washing machine. The announcement was a real bombshell to his old mistress Bombshell. At long last tattoo will become tattone.

4. Jimmy Kimmel: If you look at Randy Jackson, J. Lo and Steven Tyler they look like the three stages of Michael Jackson.

3. Jay Leno: Australia is giving all its soldiers taxpayer-funded Viagra. They want to ensure that every soldier has an honorable discharge. All these years that shrimp on the barbie thing has been a cry for help.

2. Jay Leno: There was an awkward moment when President Hu found out President Obama was a Nobel Peace Prize winner and tried to have him arrested.

1. David Letterman: Last night was premiere of "American Idol." What a show, and I think it would be even better without the talent portion.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Wednesday, January 19

10. Craig Ferguson: Some people believe "American Idol" will collapse without Simon Cowell. And these people are called Simon Cowell. Simon was honest but too mean. I'd say, "What an ass." Now I'll say the same thing about J-Lo but with a different meaning.

9. Jay Leno: An Illinois high school student is in trouble after he listed 50 girls on his Facebook page and rated their looks and sex appeal. What kind of sick person rates 50 girls on their looks and sex appeal? I mean, aside from the Miss America Pageant.

8. Stephen Colbert: Major changes to the Zodiac. Taurus now comes with power windows.

7. Conan O'Brien: "Playboy" is going to be available on the iPad. It's perfect for the guy who likes to masturbate in a crowded coffee shop.

6. Conan O'Brien: The Italian Prime Minister is involved in a scandal involving a 17-year-old prostitute. He was outraged. "She told me she was a 16-year-old prostitute!"

5. Jay Leno: Republicans voted today to repeal health reform. Democrats warned this could make it harder for older Americans to get health care. Hugh Hefner's new fiance said, "Good!"

4. Jay Leno: Charlie Sheen has lost 25 pounds. He says the secret is to do things in moderation. He said he did it by eliminating snacks between whores.

3. Craig Ferguson: To me "American Idol" is like doing karaoke without being groped by drunken Japanese businessmen. What's the point?

2. Conan O'Brien: Comcast is purchasing NBC. I have just one thing to say. Comcast, keep your receipt.

1. Jay Leno: The last know survivor of the sunken ship Lusitania passed away at 95. This is the sad part. She was THIS close to shore.

Yesterday I included a video of Stephen Colbert passionately defending Sarah Palin. However, that defense was so deliciously evil that I decided to provide you with the transcript to enjoy at your leisure.

[After showing newswoman Mika Brzezinski complaining about having to do Sarah Palin stories] Stephen Colbert: Clearly Mika is experiencing what journopsychologists call "Palin fatigue." Mika, you need to buck up. I know you think this story has no other purpose than keeping Sarah Palin's name in the news for another news cycle. I know you think she has nothing to offer the national dialogue, and that her speeches are just coded talking points mixed in with random words she's picked up from a thesaurus. I know you think that at best Sarah Palin is a self-promoting ignoramus and at worst a shameless media troll who will abuse any platform to deliver dog-whistle encouragement to a far-right base that may include insurrectionists. I know you think her reality show was pathetically unstatesmanlike, and I know you also believe it represents the pinnacle of her potential, and her transparent desperation to be a celebrity so completely eclipsed her interest in public service so long ago that there would be more journalistic integrity in reporting on one of the lesser Kardashian's ass implants. I know when you arrive at the office each day you pray that Sarah Palin will shut up for just ten f**king minutes. I know, because I can see it in your eyes. Well, guess what, Mika, that's the gig. It's January 2011, and you have two more years of this. So you come in, slap on your make-up and report what Sarah Palin said on Hannity last night. Because that's the news.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1  2010

Page 67 - The first time I ever saw General Grant was in the fall or winter of 1866 at one of the receptions at Washington, when he was General of the Army. I merely saw and shook hands with him along with a general crowd but had no conversation.

... I next saw General Grant during his first term as President. [He's taken in and introduced to President Grant.] I shook hands and then there was a pause and silence. I couldn't think of anything to say. So I merely looked into the General's grim, immovable countenance a moment or two in silence and then I said: "Mr. President, I am embarrassed -- are you?" He smiled a smile which would have done no discredit to a cast-iron image, and I got away under the smoke of my volley.
I did not see him again for some ten years. In the meantime I had become very thoroughly notorious.

68 - [In 1879 in Chicago he is on the platform with Grant before a huge crowd in Chicago. The Mayor offered to introduce him.] "General, let me introduce Mr. Clemens," and we shook hands. There was the usual momentary pause and then the General said, "I am not embarrassed -- are you?"
It showed that he had a good memory for trifles as well as for serious things.

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Tuesday, January 18

10. Craig Ferguson: Fox News said that tonight at the White House were the most powerful communist in the world and the President of China.

9. David Letterman: Dick Cheney predicts President Obama will be a one-term President. This is the same guy who predicted there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Same guy.

8. Conan O'Brien: In a new interview Oprah Winfrey said she'd had her heart broken twice, but she wouldn't say by whom. She did, however, say where she had the bodies buried.

7. Jimmy Fallon: The band O-Town may be having a reunion. Hope they play some of the O-stuff.

6. Craig Ferguson: Regis is in the "Guinness Book of World Records" for the most time in front of a TV camera. And what's amazing is, some of that time he wasn't talking.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: Boston has new supersized ambulances for obese patients. The traditional flashing lights have been replaced with a Krispy Kreme sign to lure the obese out of their homes. They stick a liposuction tube in you, and the ambulance runs on that, so by the time you get to the hospital you look great.

4. David Letterman: Regis Philbin announced he's quitting show business. He wants to spend more time with his money. I think the real loser here is [his wife] Joy. "Don't you play golf or something?" Regis was discovered back in the 1950s. He was a golden-voiced drifter.

3. David Letterman: Doctors say Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn't worried. He's already picked out a hunting buddy.

2. Stephen Colbert: Dick Cheney may need a new heart. I say we waterboard the Wizard of Oz.

1. Jon Stewart: Good news tonight. The chief victim of that shooting in Tucson is sitting upright and talking. [Showed Sarah Palin on Fox News.]

Stephen Colbert's passionate defense of Sarah Palin had the studio audience and me howling.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Mika Brzezinski Experiences Palin Fatigue
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

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Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Monday, January 17

(Kimmel & Fallon in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: According to the gay magazine "The Advocate," the gayest city in America is Minneapolis, Minnesota. And today San Francisco said, "What do we have to do? Hello!"

9. Craig Ferguson: Starbucks' new Trenta is 31 ounces. It can't be healthy consuming what amounts to a Big Gulp of hot joe. Though there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard ... Coffee used to be a manly drink, but not any more. A frappucchino sounds like a gay sex act with Al Pacino.

8. Conan O'Brien: Arnold Schwarzenegger said being Governor of California cost him at least $200 million in lost movie roles. Most moviegoers say it was worth it.

7. David Letterman: The Jets and Steelers are going to play for the championship. The New York Jets, led by the guy who got the DUI, the guy who violated the league's substance abuse policy, the guy who fathered nine kids with eight women, and they guy who posts creepy internet videos take on the Pittsburgh Steelers and the guy who likes whipping out his deal in bars.

6. Jay Leno: The 74-year-old Italian Premiere is being investigated for cavorting with prostitutes. it could be a career-ending scandal if it turns out not to be true. They're calling this the biggest embarrassment to Italy since The Olive Garden.

5. Craig Ferguson: Happy birthday to Betty White, who turns 89 today.  She's telling everybody she's 90 so she gets an extra spanking, but she's only 89. She celebrated the way she does every year: naked wrestling. She just watches now. Most of the time.

4. David Letterman: The Republican National Committee elected Reince Priebus as the new chairman. Jay Leno drives a 1909 Reince Priebus.

3. Jay Leno: The U.S. credit rating is AAA. We're $14 trillion in debt. Wouldn't WTF or LOL be a lot more like it?

2. Jay Leno: Former Vice President Dick Cheney had to consult his physician today. Not for his heart. Every time the price of oil goes up more than $1 a barrel, Cheney gets an erection that lasts more than 4 hours.

1. David Letterman: Hugh Hefner, 84, is marrying his fiance, 24. This guy has got prescriptions for Viagra older than that.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1  2010

Page 64 - [Early childhood in Florida, Missouri] There was a log church, with a puncheon floor and slab benches. A puncheon floor is made of logs whose upper surfaces have been chipped flat with the adze. The cracks between the logs were not filled; there was no carpet; consequently, if you dropped anything smaller than a peach, it was likely to go through. The church was perched on a short section of logs, which elevated it two or three feet from the ground. Hogs slept under there, and whenever the dogs got after them during services, the minister had to wait till the disturbance was over. In winter there was always a refreshing breeze up through the puncheon floor; in summer there were fleas enough for all.

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Golden Globes, Sunday, January 16

10. Ricky Gervais: 84-year-old Hugh Hefner's 24-year-old fiancee said she accepted his proposal because he lied about his age. "He told me he was 94." It's OK, just don't look at it when you touch it.

9. Robert Downey, Jr.: I don't know if an actress can do her best work until she's slept with me. [Ready to announce award] I'm just saying, if I could I'd give it to all 5 of you right here, right now.

8. Ricky Gervais: Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor are two straight guys who play gay lovers in "I Love You Phillip Morris," sort of the reverse of a prominent Scientologist and ...  My lawyers helped me with the wording on that one.

7. Annette Benning: And to the winner of the 1962 Golden Globe for Most Promising Actor, my husband, Warren Beatty.

6. Jane Lynch accepting: I am nothing if not falsely humble.

5. Matt Damon introducing Robert De Niro for Lifetime Achievement: And who can forget him in "Taxi Driver," where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13-year-old hooker. He just disappeared.

4. Robert De Niro: I was pleased when you made the decision on this [Lifetime Achievement] award 2 months ago before you had a chance to review "Little Fockers."

3. Steve Carell and Tina Fey describing nominees for Best Screenplay:
Tina Fey: Like the one about the mountain climber.
Steve Carell: I'd have given my right arm to have written that. Then there's the story about a couple of lesbians.
Tina Fey: A lesbian couple. There's a long complicated sci-fi thriller starring Leonardo DiCaprio, not unlike my dreams.
Tina: And finally the true life story of social networking and how it ruined our ability to interact one-on-one.
Steve: I heard about that movie on Facebook from a friend I never met.

2. Michael Douglas whose cancer is in remission: Thank you. There must be an easier way to get a standing ovation.

1. Ricky Gervais: Please welcome Ashton Kutcher's dad Bruce Willis.
 

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1  2010

Page 61 - The monster track of land which our family own in Tennessee, was purchased by my father a little over forty years ago. He bought the enormous area of 75,000 acres at one purchase. The entire lot must have cost him somewhere in the neighborhood of $400. ... My father said, "Whatever befalls me, my heirs are secure; I shall not live to see these acres turn to silver and gold, but my children will." Thus, with the very kindest intentions in the world toward us, he laid the heavy curse of prospective wealth upon our shoulders. He went to his grave in the full belief that he had done us a kindness. It was a woeful mistake, but fortunately he never knew it.

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Friday, January 14

Thursday, January 13

10. Jimmy Fallon: A town in Britain is making town employees submit a written request for an office romance. That's going to be weird if the other person isn't in to it. "Susan, I've gotten permission to have a romance with you." "But I'm married." "Well, you're going to have to take that up with Mr. Thorpe."

9. David Letterman: The Golden Globes has weird categories. "Best Actor with a Boston Accent," "Best Movie That's 45 Minutes too Long," "Best Focker" ...

8. Craig Ferguson: CBS announced today that Charlie Sheen wasn't on the set today because he's got an ear infection. [Craig broke up laughing.] Do you ever get the feeling the CBS publicists have just stopped trying?

7. Jimmy Fallon: The Kardashians are launching their own clothing line at Sears. The clothes come in three sizes: Kourtney, Kim and Khloe.

6. Conan O'Brien: More and more golfers are buying GPS devices that tell them how far away they are from the hole. The bad news is, it's not for golf.

5. David Letterman: "The Green Hornet" opens tomorrow. All superheroes have a weakness. The Green Hornet can't get too close to porch lights. In this movie he can't get his stinger to retract for four hours and has to see a doctor.

4. Jay Leno: Rapper Fiddy Cent could be in trouble for tweeting a recommendation to buy a stock he owned, driving the price up 300%. If convicted of insider trading he could get fiddy years.

3. Conan O'Brien: Hillary Clinton gave a speech to Arab leaders and urged them to enact real reform. The Arab leaders looked at each other and asked, "Why is a woman talking?"

2. David Letterman: Snooki has a book. She says she doesn't like her nickname, Snooki. Snooki's also known as Miss Polizzi, usually followed by, "How do you plead?"

1. Conan O'Brien: Officials in Memphis are trying to figure out what to do with a high school where 90 girls are pregnant. For starters they're going to get rid of their mascot The Leaky Trojan.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Wednesday, January 12

Today the San Francisco Chronicle told more than all about me. Here's one of the photos.

Click here for the article.

10. Jay Leno: Hillary Clinton tripped on the stairs getting on a plane in Yemen, but she's fine. She's the kind of person who can turn Yemen into Yemenade.

9. Jimmy Fallon: The tenth season of "American Idol" premieres next week, and the producers say Randy Jackson will be taking on a bigger role. They don't say if he'll be putting butter on it or just eating it dry.

8. Conan O'Brien: MGM said the new James Bond movie almost didn't get made because the economy's so bad, which explains the new villain Cash for Goldfinger.

7. Jimmy Fallon: Toronto says it gets about 300 accidental butt dials to 9-1-1 every day. So now no one will take it seriously the next time a butt has a real emergency. The butt that cried wolf.

6. David Letterman: It's snowed in 49 states, all but Florida. But they're still waiting on results from Broward County.

5. Jay Leno: It's been so cold in the South hospitals have been swamped with cases of frozen mullets.

4. Conan O'Brien: In Japan a programmer has made a new game for bathrooms which players control with their urine stream. The game is available exclusively on the Nintendo Wii-Wii.

3. David Letterman: We've had another 12 inches of snow. All the airports are closed. But the good news, over at Flashdancers all the runways are open.

2. Craig Ferguson: For me Wikipedia is great. I spent most of the 1980s blacked out, so I can read and catch up. "So THAT'S why I'm banned from Holland! I should never have touched that dike."

1. Jimmy Fallon: A couple in Canada promised to name their newborn baby after whoever finds their missing dog. I want to say congratulations to that couple and their newborn son Coyote Johnson.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Tuesday, January 11

10. Jon Stewart: For the past few years I've had to carry not only my iPhone but a second phone for making calls. To send text messages on the iPhone I've had to send a messenger boy with my iPhone to the recipient. Each text cost me $400.

9. Conan O'Brien: Today is 1/11/11. Normally if you want to see five ones at the same time you have to watch "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

8. Stephen Colbert: My guest tonight is the founder of jumo.com, which I assume is a site for Jewish sumo wrestlers.

7. Jimmy Kimmel: Arnold Schwarzenegger is going on a speech-doing tour, and they're charging $400 for tickets. Imagine how much he would get if he could actually speak. He's the Tour-minator. The tour will end in I'll-Be-Back-remento.

6. Jimmy Fallon: Today "Spiderman" became the biggest-grossing musical on Broadway, which explains why the producers of "The Lion King" just dropped Simba from a five-story building.

5. Craig Ferguson: I thought phones would be built into other things, like shoe phones or wrist watch phones. But it happened the other way around. Everything got built into our phones. You lose your phone, and you lose everything . You might as well be Randy Quaid.

4. Jay Leno: Charlie Sheen was supposed to be at work today, but he was at The Palms in Las Vegas, and spent the night with three porn stars. Do you realize how many diseases these porn stars could get from Charlie Sheen?

3. David Letterman: Scientists have discovered a dwarf star in a galaxy far, far away. I got about fifty jokes on the dwarf star this afternoon, and they all ended with Tom Cruise.

2. Jimmy Fallon: China has agreed to send two pandas to a zoo in Scotland. They should arrive next week, or overnight if they're sent Panda Express.

1. Jay Leno: Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Monday, January 10

Friday, January 7

(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson were live.)

10. Jimmy Fallon: A study found humans started wearing clothes about 170,000 years ago. The first sentence ever spoken about it was, "Me look fat in this?" "No. Uh, me go work on fire."

9. Jay Leno: There's now an app for women that turns your iPhone into a vibrator, with various speeds and patterns. So, guys, when your girlfriend tells you she's on the phone, she might literally be on the phone.

8. Jimmy Fallon: A retired couple with 23 grandkids has one of the two winning tickets in the $180-million Megamillions jackpot. The grandpa and grandma were like, "Who's going to visit us now, bitches?!"

7. Jay Leno: Hugh Hefner's 24-year-old fiance says she can't see the 60-year age difference. She also can't tell the difference between a grape and a raisin.

6. David Letterman: In NYC 526 murders in 2010. Or as New Yorkers think of them, new apartments.

5. Craig Ferguson: A woman in New Zealand has officially become the world's oldest driver. She's 105 years old. She says she doesn't use the car much, just for annoying the hell out of everyone around her. "Slower, slower, put the turn signal on just in case I do."

4. Jay Leno: In Romania they're going to start taxing witches. If you're a witch they're  going to tax your wages and your tips. That's cold. And there's nothing colder than a witch's tip.

3. Jimmy Fallon: TLC is coming up with a new show called "Extreme Couponing," about shoppers who buy everything with coupons. The show is good, but it takes so long it backs all the other shows up behind it. They're all yelling, "Can we open up another channel or something?"

2. Jay Leno: Victoria Beckham announced she's having her breast implants taken out. What do you do with them? Sell them on eBay? Anybody want to buy a used Spice rack?

1. Jay Leno: Lets start with a happy story. A 24-year-old woman is engaged to 84-year-old Hugh Hefner, or as she calls it, bed-panning for gold.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Thursday, January 6

10. Craig Ferguson: You have to watch the "Jersey Shore" once or you feel left out. It's water cooler conversation. But whenever I walk up to a water cooler everybody leaves. Perhaps I should find someplace else to wash my penis.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: Ironically, there are now so many Kardashian reality shows that you really can't keep up with the Kardashians. Future civilizations will assume we worshiped them, like ancient Egyptians worshiped people with cat heads.

8. Jay Leno: A man who used to be a woman is married to a woman who used to be a man, and they're raising their son to become a woman. This could be the greatest Jerry Springer episode ever.

7. Jay Leno: A homeless guy in Ohio became a YouTube sensation when somebody posted a video of him talking in his radio announcer voice. The Cleveland Cavaliers have offered him a job and a place to live. The ironic thing is, you know how he became homeless? Betting on the Cleveland Cavaliers.

6. David Letterman: Birds are falling out of the sky in Arkansas and Louisiana and London. Today I saw my parakeet looking at the obituaries in the newspaper on the bottom of his cage, chirping, "Petey!"

5. Jimmy Fallon: Two men in Florida were arrested for stealing manhole covers to sell for scrap metal. When they got to jail they said, "Is there any way we could each keep one manhole cover?"

4. Jay Leno: Borders Books may go out of business. It would be the first time in history any of our borders actually closed.

3. Jimmy Fallon: Steve Buckley, a sportswriter for the "Boston Herald" revealed in his column today that he's gay. This was much classier than the other option, having an hour-long special on ESPN to announce he was switching teams.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: Congressmen took turns reading the Constitution today. Then they took a break for lunch and the slave auction.

1. Stephen Colbert: John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Wednesday, January 5

10. Jay Leno: A man in New York City tried to commit suicide by jumping out a 9th floor window, but was saved when he landed on a huge pile of uncollected garbage. Ironically, what he was depressed about was lack of city services.

9. Craig Ferguson: The two winning lottery tickets were sold in Idaho and Washington state, but the two winners haven't come forward yet, probably because they're still changing their underpants.

8. Jay Leno: That homeless man with the radio announcer voice who became a YouTube sensation has been offered a job and a place to live by the Cleveland Cavaliers. The bad news, he said, "I'm taking it to South Beach."

7. David Letterman: A big United Airlines plane had to make an emergency landing. The pilot's drinking coffee and he spills it on the console, shorts the whole thing out. But in his defense, he was drinking the coffee trying to sober up. The other thing, a $50-million plane and no cupholder?

6. Jon Stewart: Looking up "Wikipedia" on Wikipedia, you enter a wormhole.

5. Chelsea Handler: Whitney Cummings: I would totally date a married man. That way you know they're not afraid of commitment.

4. Jimmy Fallon: The fast food chain Chick-fil-A is sponsoring two anti-gay-marriage conferences. A lot of people are upset by this, especially their big rival Chick-on-Chick-fil-A.

3. David Letterman: The new Republicans in the House are going to repeal everything Obama has done. In fact, today John Boehner told the Obama kids the dog has to go back.

2. Jay Leno: A man was arrested for masturbating while on a flight. He said he was just finishing what the TSA guy started. Now would that be a skyjacking?

1. Jimmy Kimmel: The Republicans now control the House, and they say they're going to follow a strict interpretation of the original Constitution. So I hope you women and non-whites don't like voting.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Tuesday, January 4

10. Stephen Colbert: One man claims President Obama wants to give the entire U.S. back to the Indians. That's terrible. They might build burial mounds on top of our sacred malls.

9. Jay Leno: Airports are considering dumping TSA and hiring their own security. You see these TSA guys just standing around with their thumbs up our asses.

8. Craig Ferguson: If I were a ventriloquist I'd just get my entire face Botoxed. It'd be awesome.

7. Craig Ferguson: Have you seen "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?" If all the women stood together you'd have maybe 20% organic material. One woman is basically a lip and shoes. And she's the hot one.

6. Jay Leno: The top things people resolve to give up for New Years are junk food, alcohol, smoking and gambling. In other words, people are giving up on 7-11.

5. Craig Ferguson: People say TV is dying and the internet is taking over, and I say poppycock. Which, incidentally, is a web site I like. It's in 3-D.

4. David Letterman: Congratulations to Elton John and his partner who have a new baby. You remember two years ago when I said the Republicans would take back the House again when we have an Elton John, Jr. Also, congratulations to Ben & Jerry.

3. Jay Leno: You know why I think the birds fell out of the sky? Tweeting.

2. David Letterman: Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Nickelodeon announced the 19th season of "SpongeBob SquarePants," and the NFL announced it's the last season for BrettFavre NoPants.

Sherlock Holmes: The American Years, Edited by Michael Kurland, Minotaur Books 2010

A series of short stories about Sherlock Holmes in America by different authors. All are good except the first one. The best is supposedly written by Mark Twain.

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Monday, January 3

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart