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America's Late-Night-TV Zingers, January 2010

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim

Winner Extras, January 29 - 31, Maria Bramford: "Let me illustrate the Middle East. Here's the church. Here's the mosque. Open the doors, and everybody's mad."

January wins: O'Brien 7, Kimmel 4, Leno 4, Letterman 3, Ferguson 2

 

Winner Monday, January 4, David Letterman: "You're telling me someone in the Amsterdam airport can't handle a pair of exploding underwear? Isn't that what Amsterdam's all about?"

Winner Tuesday, January 5, David Letterman, who showed a photo of the new transgender appointee to the Dept. of Commerce, and announcer Alan "Big Red" Kalter jumped up and ran out, yelling, "Oh no! Amanda used to be a dude?"

Winner Wednesday, January 6, Conan O'Brien Celebrity Interview: "The claim that Warren Beatty slept with 12,000 women ..." Queen Elizabeth II: "Makes me feel less special."

Winner Thursday, January 7, Jimmy Kimmel: "One of Tiger's mistresses says she saw him having gay sex. This is not a gay Tiger [photo of Tiger Woods]. THIS is a gay tiger [photo of white tiger with Siegfried and Roy].

Winner Friday, January 8, Jay Leno: "The New Jersey State Senate turned down gay marriage. Didn't they just have a married gay man as governor?"

Extra Zingers winner Seth Meyers: "Octomom Doctor Sued: Who'd have thought a doctor could get into trouble for seeing how many babies he could squeeze into a crazy lady."

Winner Monday, January 11, David Letterman: "Once again I did not get the 'Tonight Show.'"

Winner Tuesday, January 12, Conan O'Brien: "Please, hold your applause. I may not have that much time."

Winner Wednesday, January 13, Conan O'Brien: "So, kids, you can do anything you want in life, unless Jay Leno wants to do it too."

Winner Thursday, January 14, Conan O'Brien: "While I can, while I still have the authority, I'm selling 'The Tonight Show' on Craigslist." This is real. http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/clt/1551463643.html

Winner Friday, January 15, Conan O'Brien: "Tiger Woods is rumored to be in a sex rehab clinic. Actually he's checked into three clinics, but they don't know about each other."

Winner Monday, January 18, Conan O'Brien: Conan already put the "Tonight Show" up for sale on Craigslist. Now he's offered himself in the casual encounters section: "Tall, slender redhead available for nighttime recreation M4WW - 6'4", completely ripped, VERY Caucasian. - Drapes match the carpet. - Currently homeless, must meet at your place. - Can go a whole hour (with scheduled breaks every 7-10 minutes). - Fatties welcome. - Not afraid to take two people at once, and then a musical guest. - NOTE: If you want me to perform after midnight, it'll cost you!"

Winner Tuesday, January 19, Conan O'Brien: Guest Norm Macdonald brought on a gift basket he'd not delivered 7 months ago and read the card: "Congratulations, Conan, taking your place as the permanent host of 'The Tonight Show.' That's something that can never be taken away from you. In your new situation abysmal failure is not an option."

Winner Wednesday, January 20, Jay Leno: "Letterman's been going after me every night. You know how to get Letterman to ignore you? Marry him."

Winner Thursday, January 21, Jimmy Kimmel, who showed a brilliant video of "The Late Night War" as a Ken Burns documentary.

Winner Friday, January 22, Craig Ferguson: "On this show I get to meet my heroes. I feel like Derek Jeeter getting to meet Babe Ruth, or Mel Gibson getting to meet Hitler."

Winner Monday, January 25, Craig Ferguson: "Jay Leno is going on Oprah. I never thought I'd say this, but watch your back, Oprah."

Winner Tuesday, January 26, Jay Leno: "'Avatar' is like the sequel to 'Titanic.' Remember at the end of 'Titanic' when everyone turned blue?"

Winner Wednesday, January 27, Jimmy Kimmel: "Tiger Woods is in a sex rehab clinic in Mississippi. While his wife Elin is visiting him she's staying at Brett Favre's nearby ranch. So another interception for Brett."

Winner Thursday, January 28, Jimmy Kimmel: "It's been an Oprahwhelming day. Jay Leno went on to complain that he got his show back."

Winner Friday, January 29, Jay Leno: "Author J.D. Salinger died at 91 after an extremely long bout of teen angst. That joke was for me."

Winner Extras, January 29 - 31, Maria Bramford: "Let me illustrate the Middle East. Here's the church. Here's the mosque. Open the doors, and everybody's mad."

Monday, January 4

Winner Monday, Janurary 4, David Letterman: "You're telling me someone in the Amsterdam airport can't handle a pair of exploding underwear? Isn't that what Amsterdam's all about?"

David Letterman: "This Nigerian guy tries to blow up a plane. The other passengers subdue him, tie him up and take him to first class. Are we sending the right message here?" "I made three New Year's resolutions. I want to come home with a competitive-eating trophy, make a cat video for YouTube, and come to terms with the fact I'm living in a man's body." "Regis had hip replacement surgery, and he's back on the job. He was delivered to his dressing room, unpacked and assembled." "Rush Limbaugh's in the hospital, said he had chest pains. I think he's just trying to get more of them pain medications. If Rush is unable to serve, control of the Republican party goes to Glenn Beck." "AT&T fired Tiger Woods. They have no luck. Their last spokesperson was Roman Polanski. Tiger's in New York at the Trump Hotel, which is a lot like his girlfriends: tall, flashy and costs $1,200 a night." "'Avatar' made another $300 million over the weekend. Wait, I'm sorry, that was Tiger's wife."

Jay Leno: We were off for Christmas, and apparently so was the Department of Homeland Security. I got stopped at the Burbank Airport. Evidently they thought I was carrying a pipe bomb in my pants." "Rush Limbaugh had a heart scare. Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent cheese fries." "A survey found that 89% of men would rather give a woman a great orgasm than have one themselves. The other 11% didn't know women have orgasms." Headlines: Ad: "We service all males and models." Ad for a gynecologist at Beaver Medical Services.

Jon Stewart: "The bomber hid explosive powder in his underwear. So even if it worked, 72 virgins were going to be very disappointed."

Conan O'Brien: "After President Obama took his daughters to see 'Avatar' one of them told him, 'Now that's how you spend half a billion dollars." "President Obama hired a woman who used to be a man, the first person in the Executive Branch who'd had their executive branch removed." "Wendy's employees saved a customer's life — by telling him they were closed." In the Year 3000: "Jesus will return to Earth and perform one more miracle. He'll sell a Chrysler." "Sherlock Holmes will change 'It's elementary, my dear Watson,' to 'Google it, biatch.'" Guest Patton Oswalt on his performance in "Big Fan:" "I'm so dedicated to my craft that I gained the necessary forty pounds five years before the script was even written."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama saw 'Avatar' and said, 'So that's what happens when something lives up to its hype." "There are now sheets with Viagra in them. They turn into a tent. And for Halloween you can go as Casper the Really Friendly Ghost." "More babies are not starting to talk until they're three years old. And their first words are, 'Just text me, dude.'"

Craig Ferguson: "It's our fifth anniversary, which is four years, eleven months longer than most people expected us to last. For the fifth anniversary you're supposed to give wood. I woke up this morning and found I'd given myself a gift." "The world's tallest building opened today in Dubai. Admit it, Dubai, you have a small penis."

Tuesday, January 5

Winner David Letterman, who showed a photo of the new transgender appointee to the Dept. of Commerce, and announcer Alan "Big Red" Kalter jumped up and ran out, yelling, "Oh no! Amanda used to be a dude?"

David Letterman: "It's freezing cold. It's in weather like this I wish I had personal warmth." "Rush Limbaugh is recovered and will be back on the air Wednesday, which is great news, because the country can really use some hot air now." "Airport security caught Joan Rivers, but we can't get Osama bin Laden. Don't worry, Joan and her daughter Melissa are now safely back in Grey Gardens." "You know that guy with the exploding underpants? A male flight attendant noted smoke coming out of the guy's trousers and thought he'd found Mr. Right." "A new book says Warren Beatty slept with 12,000 women. Warren's furious. He says it's 13,000. Barring injury, Tiger Woods has a good shot at breaking the record. AT&T has fired Tiger, which seems a little hypocritical. Their slogan used to be 'Reach out and touch someone.'"
Top Ten Signs You're Already Having A Bad Year 10. Your underpants keep exploding 9. Come home to find one of those Avatars in bed with your wife 8. You're the nurse who had to give Rush Limbaugh a sponge bath 7. Friends keep asking, "Did you shave your mustache?" and you're a woman 6. You're the nurse who has to give Regis Philbin a sponge bath 5. Started the year with ten fingers, now not so much

Jay Leno: "It's so cold back East that birds are crashing to the ground, especially the Philadelphia Eagles." "Luckily the detonator in the underwear bomber's pants didn't go off. Of course he said that had never happened before." "Ex-President Bush said when life gives you Yemens you make Yemenade." "In India an 86-year-old politician had to resign when a video surfaced of him in bed with three young women. Who released the tape? He did." "To celebrate 40 years on the air 'Sesame Street' introduced a new character, Miss Cougar."

Jon Stewart to George Lucas: "When you're out at the ranch, walking around in the R2D2 suit ..." George Lucas: "You can do that. I'm not short enough."

Stephen Colbert: "Scareports: The exploding underwear terrorist is all the cable news shows are talking about, now that we're all tired of Tiger Woods' exploding underwear."

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to the Department of Commerce. It's nice he's giving Ann Coulter a chance." "Joan Rivers wasn't allowed on a plane. You can imagine the angry face she wanted to make." "A lesbian was sworn in as Mayor of Houston with her lover at her side. Guys said it was much less exciting than they'd pictured." "China arrested five thousand people for watching internet porn. Many of them seemed to have a serious Asian fetish." "Ellen DeGeneres and 'Project Runway's' Tim Gunn were named PETA's man and woman of the year. No word on which was which." "Scientists are now saying there's no such thing as a G-spot. On behalf of men everywhere let me just say, aha, I knew it."

Jimmy Kimmel: "After the shoe bomber we all had to take off our shoes. Now with the underwear bomber ..." "Joan Rivers wasn't allowed on a plane because there was some problem with her passport photo. Evidently she's had some work done. They did let her stand beside the line and ask the other passengers who they were wearing." "We're five days into the new year, so it's time to give up on our resolutions." "Here's a picture of Tiger Woods on the cover of 'Vanity Fair' shirtless, and hey, Elin, not a single hickey on him. AT&T has dropped Tiger as a spokesperson, but they're letting him keep the T&A" "It's the fourteenth season of 'The Bachelor, and so far not one successful relationship."

Jimmy Fallon: "Have you tried flying out of Newark? We're all on the no-fly list." "A British study shows kids are having trouble talking because they watch too much TV. It might be true. My one-year-old refers to his abs as 'The Situation.'" "The White House had a reception for teachers who're good at teaching math and science. It seems Obama likes meeting people from China." "Word is that there will be some deleted sex scenes when they release the 'Avatar' DVD. One alien gives another a blue job."

Craig Ferguson: "It's bitter cold all over America, except in L.A. where we're just bitter." "Remember Joan Rivers, the Stone Age Kathy Griffin? She was detained at an airport because her passport photo was taken ten faces ago." "There's a new crab that looks like a strawberry. I'd rather have a case of strawberries than a case of crabs." "They have everything on cable. If you like food there's a food channel. If you like sex there's a golf channel." "The most dangerous place on earth is a strip club parking lot at 2 a.m. That's where I once almost got my ass kicked. Those Chippendale guys are tougher than you'd think."

Wednesday, January 6

Winner Conan O'Brien Celebrity Interview: "The claim that Warren Beatty slept with 12,000 women ..." Queen Elizabeth II: "Makes me feel less special."

David Letterman: "It was so cold today Regis couldn't get his new hip to start." "I made some resolutions. #1 I've got to find something to do with my life now Oprah's quitting. #2 Crash a White House steak dinner." "Think how bad it is going to Detroit knowing your underpants are going to explode. You know, we might tell security to watch out for guys with fuses hanging out of their flies." "Joan Rivers was stopped at the airport. Security in Costa Rica is tighter than Joan's face." "The female G-spot may be a myth. G-spot? I can't even find a parking spot." "A book about Osama bin Laden has been written by his dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden."

Jay Leno: "Ann Coulter is against body scans at airports because terrorists can still hide bombs in their anuses. At last she's talking about something she knows about." "Senator Chris Dodd has revealed a plan to eliminate corruption in the Senate. He's resigning." "A book about Warren Beatty says he slept with almost 13,000 women. That man's a real tiger. Guest Jim Norton on Tiger Woods: "I can relate to a man in a fetal position moaning, 'Why couldn't that hooker keep her mouth shut?' Some of the women said he wouldn't wear a condom. I don't like to wear a condom either, but he has a billion dollars to lose. I have no money to lose and herpes to give. AT&T dropped him. Do you think they're just jealous that he's been in more hot spots than their 3G network?"

Stephen Colbert: "Our guest found a floating mass of garbage in the Pacific twice the size or Texas, or as I call it, Australia." "I'm still reeling from the Christmas attack on America, the Senate passing a health care bill."

Conan O"Brien: "There are record low temperatures all across America, or as we in L.A. call it, not our problem." "'Avatar' has already made a billion dollars, and there's a web site to let you learn the alien language. It's www.neverseenladyparts.com." "ESPN is launching the first 3-D sports network, everything from women's beach volleyball to women's beach volleyball." Celebrity Survey: In 2010 I'm going to lose ... Tiger Woods: "$300 million." While watching "Avatar" I thought ... Lou Dobbs: "Someone should round up those blue Mexicans." When watching the new reality show "Jersey Shore" I think ... The ghost of Christopher Columbus: "I should have turned back."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Health officials in Mexico announced ... Did you know they had health officials in Mexico?"

Jimmy Fallon: "Joe Biden didn't want to meet in the White House Situation Room. He wanted to meet in the Snookie Room." "The religious right is upset that the new transgender appointment to the Dept. of Commerce advances the transgender agenda. Number 1 on the agenda is swapping out the genitals." "Producers are upset that the script for the third movie 'Twilight: Eclipse' was leaked on the internet. They were even more upset when they found it had been leaked in book form two years ago." "Cockroaches were found in a facility preparing airline food. To be fair, they'd wanted to leave, but couldn't get a flight." "A little boy in China stuck chopsticks so far up his nose he had to be rushed to the doctor. But don't worry; he's back at work."

Craig Ferguson: "Ann Coulter says airport body scanners are an invasion of privacy. I think she doesn't want anybody to see her penis." "A whaling ship rammed a whale protester ship, whose crew had to transferred to another protest boat named the Bob Barker, probably because it's old and leaky. I've always liked whales. I saw the movie 'Free Willie' about twelve times. Then I saw another movie of the same name about a whale. Whales can sleep with one eye open. I learned to do that during my first marriage." Guest Ray Romano: "Whenever my wife criticizes anything I do I tell her to go cry in a bag of money."

Thursday, January 7

Winner Jimmy Kimmel: "One of Tiger's mistresses says she saw him having gay sex. This is not a gay Tiger [photo of Tiger Woods]. THIS is a gay tiger [photo of white tiger with Siegfried and Roy].

David Letterman: "It was so cold in New York today, I saw a rat figure skating in a puddle of frozen urine." "New York is importing Chihuahuas from California. Mayor Bloomberg likes to saddle them up and ride them around Central Park." "Last night on CBS, 'The PeopleÕs Choice Awards,' and itÕs official, the people chose to watch something else. Lady Gaga won for Favorite Gaga. I won for Breakout Actor as the sexy werewolf Jacob." "The underwear bomber was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatics. The guy wasnÕt too bright. He said the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the Al Qaeda organization. The guy was charged with having weapons of mass destruction in his pants, and he told the judge, 'Well, I get no complaints from the ladies.'" "The Skull & Bones Society at Yale is auctioning off a human skull, and I think this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale since, well, George W. Bush." Guest Rachel Maddow: "We're calling the underwear bomber The Fruit of the Boom Guy or Captain Underpants."
Top Ten Things I've Learned From The Last 20 Years of Television: 8. Thanks to itunes, now you can get free TV shows for 99 cents. 7. Widescreen televisions were invented to accommodate Keith Olbermann's enormous head. 6. Sadly, "Cougar Town" is not a show about people getting attacked by giant cats. 3. There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap." 2. Ever notice all morning weathermen are as fat as a dump truck? 1. Television is not a vast wasteland, it's a cesspool.

Jay Leno: "There's a rumor our show is being canceled. If that's true we can do some traveling. I hear Fox is beautiful this time of year." "The average woman in Yemen has six children, and that's without even having an NBA team." "There's a video of an 86-year-old Indian politician in bed with three young women. He's the one who should have had the slogan 'Yes We Can.'" "Murders are down in L.A. Instead of killing rival gang members, thugs are just defriending them on Facebook." "The most unpopular boy's name in 2009? Tiger Madoff Gosselin." "There's a new male brothel in Nevada called The Shady Lady. It's better than Bone Depot."

Jon Stewart: "Our guest tonight is Maggie Gyllenhaal, of the famous team of Gyllenhaal and Gyllenoates." "Ladies, put your husband to bed and hide your ovaries ..." "Stealth Care Reform: C-SPAN will not be allowed in on health care negotiations, contrary to what Candidate Obama promised." Samantha Bee: "Never make specific promises. Here's one-term President George H. W. Bush: 'Read my lips. No new taxes.' Now here's two-term President George W. Bush: 'If you elect me to lead this country, I'll lead this country.' He didn't say in which direction."

Stephen Colbert: "Fatal Subtraction: Executions are way down in the U.S. Oh no, that means Texas has seceded."

Conan O'Brien: "A naked jogger was stopped near the White House today. And ushered into a state dinner." "Snowstorms are so bad in China that most children can't get to work." "That 'Twilight: Eclipse' script that got leaked on the internet was a fake. You could tell from the first line: 'We men must all put on our shirts.'" "There's a new bra with foam cups that expand when the woman flirts with a man. The designer got the idea from his own pants." "There were so many missed signs with that underwear bomber. For instance, he asked the stewardess if he'd get 2,500 miles even if the plane only went 2,300 miles, and the way he screamed when she asked if he'd like some roasted nuts."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The cold is threatening the nation's citrus crop. So when life DOESN'T give you lemons, what do you make?"

Jimmy Fallon: "A naked man was running past the White House in frigid weather. Passersby reported a suspiciously shrinking package." "A 92-year-old man crashed his car into a restaurant and then sat down to have breakfast. And he still couldn't remember where he parked."

Craig Ferguson: "At the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas it's all 3-D TVs. I don't want to see Andy Rooney's eyebrows coming at me. The other innovation is video phones on your TV. But do you want your porn viewing interrupted by the face of your grandmother calling? 'Oh, I see you have your Grandpa's balls!'" Guest Steven Wright: I wish my first word as a baby could have been 'Quote.' Then my last word could be 'Unquote.'" "In the first grade I learned the President was married to the First Lady, and I wondered if she'd seen dinosaurs." "What did Jesus ever do for Santa Claus on his birthday?" "Imagine Pulitzer Prize fighting." "A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but evidently it wasn't first place." "I've been having premonitions of flashbacks."

Friday, January 8

Winner Jay Leno: "The New Jersey State Senate turned down gay marriage. Didn't they just have a married gay man as governor?"

David Letterman: ""Later on we'll be looking at 2009 and all the jokes that died last year. Did you see the big Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lying by the curb? Right next to last year's tree." "President Obama was named Most Admired American. I was on the list too, a little further down. I was between the Balloon Dad and Carrot Top." "Airport security's really being ramped up. Now there's a 10-day waiting period and a background check if you want to buy Hanes underpants. Remember, if underpants are outlawed, only outlaws will have underpants."
Top Ten Signs Regis Is Not Quite Right 10. Announced he's finally marrying Stedman 7. During interview, kept calling Tony Danza "Betty" 6. At dinner, he picked up the check -- somebody call his doctor, people! 5. Won't shut up about how great his sex life is with Frank Gifford 1. Keeps referring to his hip as "The Situation"

Jay Leno: "Did you hear the top ten species most likely to become extinct? We're #1. I'm sure you've heard the rumors NBC might be canceling our show. You know what that means? I didn't sleep with any of my staff for nothing. If they did cancel it would be an easy move for me, because I haven't unpacked from the last time they canceled. Don't worry. NBC says they're working on a plan where all parties get screwed equally. On the plus side the Post Office has come out with a Jay Leno stamp.

It gets canceled after four months." "They're stepping up the search for Osama bin Laden. They almost had him once. He sneaked into a White House dinner, but no one recognized him." "Lady Gaga is the new spokesperson for Polaroid. Polaroids were how kids took naked photos of themselves before cell phone cameras." "Good news for Tiger Woods. A gaming company is naming their joy stick after him." Guest Brian Williams told about being searched at airport security. Jay: "When they saw the NBC logo on your bag they thought, 'A lot of bombs.'"

Chelsea Handler: "For the past 18 months Elton John has been helping Eminem quit his drug habit. Now they just have to get Elton off M&Ms."

Conan O'Brien: "We have a great show tonight. I have no idea if or when it will air. You've probably heard the rumors. NBC has come up with a nifty idea that I should follow Jay Leno. When I came to work today there was a 1923 Duesenberg in my parking spot. Legal says we now have to call our show 'Sometime at Night with Some White Guy.' Actually, Jay and I are both going to quit and star in the movie 'Coco and The Chin.' Or maybe we'll fight each other with big sticks, and the winner gets to leave NBC." "It was 15 degrees in Georgia today. In California 15 degrees is the angle at which we tilt our tanning chairs." "A man in New York tried to steal 48 sticks of underarm deodorant. The police assume he's not European."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Welcome to 'Late Night with Jay Leno.' NBC is moving things around so much. Jay and Conan are moving in together from what I can make out. Wait, we have a question from the audience." Carson Daly was in the audience and asked, "What's going to happen to my show? Can I have your show?" "What was I talking about? Oh, Tiger Woods." "Falcon Heene shouldn't be called Balloon Boy, because he was never in a balloon. He should be called Attic Boy."

Jimmy Fallon: "There are so many flight delays. My show was bumped from 12:35 a.m. to 1:35 a.m." "President Obama says the buck stops with him. Unless it's a billion bucks, in which case it goes straight to AIG." "There's a new bra called The Milk Shaker, the first bra to bring all the boys to the yard." "There's a new gay hotel. Impressive building, but you can only enter through the rear." "Mexico is mad because the U.S. is using an Aztec symbol without permission. To be fair, Mexico is using the US without permission."

Craig Ferguson: "Please, if you continue to make that clapping noise NBC may change my timeslot." "Police in London are looking for a man who goes into supermarkets and sniffs women's buns. To be fair, that's the only way to tell if they're fresh." "There are other entertainers who use androgyny — Adam Lambert, David Bowie, Regis Philbin ..."

Extra Zingers

Winner Seth Meyers: "Octomom Doctor Sued: Who'd have thought a doctor could get into trouble for seeing how many babies he could squeeze into a crazy lady."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "'The Jersey Shore,' otherwise known as 'The Veal World' ..." Joel showed a clip from Lie Detector Night on "The Love of Ray J." The girl is asked if she's still taking drugs. She says no. Lie. She's asked if she only strips on slow nights. She says yes. Lie. She's asked if she's ever had a pimp. She gives an amused no. Lie. Ray J puts his head in his hands. Joel did a fake commercial for Steven Seagal Energy Drink: "The only thing I'd rather have is nothing."

John Oliver on his new show "New York Stand-Up:" "I came to America much like Eddie Murphy, a fictional African prince. America used to be admired by all the world. By the time I arrived ... well, America was like a beautiful girl throwing up all over everybody." "I've learned your rudimentary language." "Then you had the Obama election, in which I couldn't vote. I said, 'Wait a minute. I've been here over three years. I pay my taxes. It was taxation without representation. I began to see what you people had been on about." "Obama. Will we get the change we forced him to promise us?"

Maria Bamford on "New York Standup:" "We played Joy Whack-a-Mole. One person says something they're really happy about, and somebody else knocks them down."

Fabrice Fabrice on "New York Standup:" "My name is Fabrice Fabrice, a name so nice you have to say it again.

Wanda Sykes on "The Wanda Sykes Show:" "The underwear bomber was wearing Fruit of the Boom. How did the underwear bomber have the balls to plead not guilty?" Wanda was on crutches. "Yes, I broke my foot. I was playing footsie with my wife and she won. It just snapped. I guess there's not a lot of calcium in wine." "Twitter takes the fun out of stalking." "The G-spot is like bin Laden. If we can't find him he doesn't exist." Guest Neece: "The G-spot is like Santa Claus. If you believe ..." Neece: With Tiger I feel like, hey, I'm a waitress, I got a shot." Wanda: "If you're a white waitress." Guest Snoop Dogg wanted to replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men." Guest Neil Patrick Harris: "They'd have to change it to 'Two and a Half Ounces.'"

Seth Meyers on "SNL:" "Rudi Giuliani said there were no terrorist attacks under Bush, and there's been one under Obama. I knew someday we'd all start forgetting 9/11, but I never dreamed Giuliani would be the first." James Carville impersonator: "Full body scans are fine. Just measure my penis and let me go through." "These Republicans are like fat ladies in a milkshake store, grasping at straws." Seth Meyers: "Lady Gaga is the new spokesperson for Polaroid. Seems like a good fit. Like a Polaroid, with Lady Gaga it takes a few minutes to figure out what you're looking at." The New York Governor Paterson impersonator was belittling "The Jersey Shore." Seth: "Wait a minute. 'The Jersey Shore' isn't representative of the whole state." Impersonator: "I know. They're the cream of the crop. They're New Jersey's 'McLaughlin Group.'"

Monday, January 11

Winner David Letterman: "Once again I did not get the 'Tonight Show.'"

David Letterman: "NBC announced they're bringing back Johnny Carson at 10:00. I'm not worried about Jay. He'll land on his chin." "Mayor Giuliani said there were no terrorist attacks under Bush. He forgot 9/11. He forgot the shoe bomber. He forgot Dick Cheney shooting people." "A guy gets drunk on a plane and locks himself in the bathroom. The flight attendants are pounding on the door and yelling, 'Come out, you have to land the plane!'" "Sarah Palin is joining the news team at Fox. All those years reading newspapers and magazines in paying off." "A naked jogger was arrested near the White House. Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.""I think Jay and Conan should share the show. Conan will come out and announce, 'Here's Jay to do his little jokes.' Then Jay will do his little jokes, and Conan will come on and do his. I don't know what's going to happen to Carson Daly."
Top Ten Signs There's Trouble At NBC: 8. NBC peacock crashed his car and was beaten with a golf club. 6. Tina Fey is having a hard time making fictional network executives dumber than the real ones. 2. Just gave 10 p.m. show to Snooki.

Jay Leno: "Now we're not just a show. We're a collector's item. NBC wanted more drama at 10:00; they got it. I take pride that I leave NBC exactly as I found it, a complete disaster." "Harry Reid says he hopes his racially insensitive remarks won't leave a black mark on his record." "When Sarah Palin heard she'd been picked to run as Vice President she said it was God's will; so I guess God wanted Obama to win. She's going on Fox News, so now I guess it'll be fair and unbalanced." "Two girls 10 and 14 years old robbed a bank. The stickup note was a text message." "In a poll, 53% said their sex lives were boring and unimaginative. The other 47% were men." Headlines: Ad: "mountain bile for sale." A news story about a man with no arms and one leg arrested for kicking a cop. Menu offering a "four curse dinner." A winter scene of a domed building captioned "snot-covered capitol."

Stephen Colbert: "I don't see race. People tell me Barack Obama is a black man, and I believe them, because I'm afraid of him." "I don't believe in a college education, but I do believe in excluding people."

Conan O'Brien: "You keep up that applause, and this monologue won't start until 12:05. Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien, new host of 'Last Call with Carson Daly.' California had a 6.5 earthquake, so powerful it knocked Jay Leno from 10:00 to 11:35. Whatever happens I intend to continue putting on a good show while stealing as many office supplies as possible." "Harry Reid said Obama didn't talk in a Negro dialect. He also said Joe Lieberman 'talks all Mosesly.'" "You can now buy a sex robot. It was actually ready five years ago, but the scientists wouldn't stop testing it." Conan tried to appease Cody the Pouting Vampire now that he's also hired a big blue "Avatar" alien: "Cody, you can even come on a half hour later." Guest Dax Shepard talked about getting a massage from his first male masseur: "My wife said, 'Don't be so homophobic. You're not dating him.'" Conan: "you're just letting him rub your naked body." Scene from his movie where he's a male model talking to a beautiful woman: "I don't know whether to look at my own reflection or at you. That's how beautiful you are."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama says his health care plan will cover you even if you lose your job or change jobs, so I guess Jay and Conan and I are covered." "Four TSA workers were caught on video sniffing drugs on the job. No one had ever seen airport lines move so fast." "A Chicago man was arrested for fondling himself in a Starbucks. He was charged with grinding his own beans."

Craig Ferguson: "Simon Cowell's quitting next year, so if you want to see a bitchy European guy on TV, it's me." "Somebody's invented a sex robot. That was invented years ago. It's how I broke my vacuum cleaner. Call me, Hoover." "You know the world's on its ass when Dave Letterman and I are the stable ones. Conan hasn't decided what to do, but notice there's a judge job open on 'American Idol.' TMZ is all over us late-night hosts: 'Jay, are you on at 11:35?' 'Conan, are you going to stay with NBC?' 'Craig, it's 4:30 a.m.. Why are you giving a ride to that transvestite?'"

"How I Met Your Mother:" Tim Gunn, while Neil Patrick Harris pushes his face against Tim's chest: "Please don't cry on this! It's silk!" Barney speaking of hot bosomy bartender: "I will not rest until those, I mean that, I mean she is mine." She wants him to give up his suits.

Tuesday, January 12

Winner Conan O'Brien: "Please, hold your applause. I may not have that much time."

David Letterman: ""Conan said he made the decision not to follow Leno at 12:05 after talking to Johnny Carson. I got a call from NBC saying, 'Look, we still don't want you back.' This has all been tough for my mom. For the last six months she's been forced to watch me. According to CNN, Al Qaeda has been claiming responsibility for the wreckage at NBC. Mark McGwire admits he used steroids when he hit all those home runs. Sure, he admits it now, now that the 10 p.m. slot is open. He says he used steroids, but they didn't give him an advantage. He just liked the minty fresh taste. It takes a big man with a giant head to admit he used steroids." "Rush Limbaugh and Kirstie Alley both turn 59 today. This explains the nationwide cake shortage." "Scientists have invented a robotic girlfriend. She's so advanced she inflates herself. The bad part is when, right in the middle of romantic activity, you have to call tech support. You have to be ready to spend thousands and thousands on maintenance and upkeep. It's like having a real girlfriend." "Simon Cowell's leaving 'American Idol' He did pretty well for a guy with the personality of a bitchy flight attendant. We've checked, and Jay Leno's fingerprints are nowhere on this one. By the way, Simon Cowell is the only high-ranking judge Sarah Palin could name. Sarah Palin's joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'Hair and Unbalanced.' Earlier tonight she appeared on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Talk about the Bridge to Nowhere." A guy with a floor polisher wandered out on the stage. "Gene, we're right in the middle of the show." Gene: "What possible difference could it make?" Dave: "Well, he has a point." "So Conan tells NBC, either pay me a lot of money or cancel my non-competing clause so I can to over to Fox or take over Dave's job ... What?!" Guest Whoopi Goldberg: "I don't care who's doing who. I care who's doing me."
Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's First Day At Fox News: 9. Detached a retina from winking at the camera. 7 .Pistol-whipped three guys who called her "Tina." 6. Released a statement saying she won't follow Leno. 4. Sad to learn there was no actual fox to hunt. 2. Actually found a place with more white people than Alaska. 1. Announced plans to run for President in 2010.

Jay Leno: "NBC is pulling the plug on our show February 12, exactly as predicted in the Mayan calendar. But NBC said if I gained ten pounds I could be on 'The Biggest Loser.'" "Scientists are now saying fat buttocks are good for you. So when your wife asks if those pants make her ass look fat, you can say they make her look healthy." "A man in Chicago was arrested for masturbating at a Starbucks. That's what happens when you combine caffeine and free wi-fi. At their prices Starbucks should do it for you." "A sex robot was unveiled at a show in Vegas. I don't know. I've seen what happens when a breadstick gets stuck in a toaster." Guest Adam Carrola: "Warren Beatty has slept with more women than I, but if you add up the total weight ... His name was Warren Beatty, not Master Beatty." Guest Jim Norton: "Warren has had a great sex life even if the book's author is off by 10,000 women." Does the G-spot exist? Adam: "Let's ask Warren Beatty." Jim: "I found the G-spot. I just couldn't reach it."

Jon Stewart: Title of segment on gay marriage: "Dreaded Bliss."

Stephen Colbert: "Why doesn't the President admit we're losing the war? Does he think the mess at NBC will just fix itself?" "Simon Cowell is leaving 'American Idol' to spend more time berating his family."

Conan O'Brien: "Hi, my name is Conan O'Brien. I may soon be available for children's parties. Welcome to NBC, whose motto is, 'No longer just screwing up prime time.' I remember when I was a boy, watching Johnny Carson and thinking, 'Someday I'm going to host that program for seven months.'" "The first life-size sex robot was unveiled in Las Vegas. It has five personalities, which is what guys look for in a sex robot." "The Vatican movie reviewer panned 'Avatar.' Sounds like someone forgot to get stoned." Howie Mandel came on with six beautiful models with suitcases to help Conan review his career choices: "3. Gay regular on unnamed Ed Asner project. 2. Two free tickets to see Jay Leno perform at the Las Vegas Luxor."

Jimmy Kimmel did the whole show in a Jay Leno wig, chin and accent: "My name is Jay Leno, and I'm taking over all the shows in late night. Don't worry. Jimmy Kimmel will be fine. He picked up an endorsement deal with Jenny Craig." "The new season of 'American Idol' starts tonight. It's a show that gives young karaoke singers a chance to come out of the closet." "Sarah Palin's on Fox News. At last she can afford to buy Levi Johnston some clothes. She signed a three-year contract, so she'll be there, what, six months?" "Testifying before Congress, Mark McGwire said, 'I picked up the syringe, but I did not impale.' McGwire took the risk. Now he'll take the asterisk." "Tiger Woods is so hard to find there are rumors he's working in customer service at Home Depot." "There's a new Michael Jackson theme park. Outrageous prices for Jesus juice. And if you have small kids, watch out for the Tunnel of Love." "There's so much criticism of the actors smoking in 'Avatar' that they're releasing 'Avalowtar.'" "I can't believe 'The Bachelor.' Usually sleeping with a producer gets you kicked ONTO a show. Evidently she was only supposed to have inappropriate relations with the bachelor."

Jimmy Fallon: "Snooki of 'The Jersey Shore' wants her own show, 'Snookin for Love.'" "The New Jersey Senate legalized marijuana a week after they turned down gay marriage. 'Gay marriage? Are you high?' "Let's get high.'"

Craig Ferguson: "I'm retiring. I refuse to go on after Jay Leno. Did you hear? An icon of American comedy is retiring. Yes, David Hasselhoff." "What NBC needs is a government bailout. Why doesn't the government pay NBC to make even more late night shows? Remember that TV movie 'The Late Shift' about the fight between Jay Leno and David Letterman? Now they're doing 'Late Shift 2.' Tilda Swinton will play Conan. Madame will play Jay. My boss, David Letterman, will be played, of course, by Fabio. Lou Costello will be revived to play Jimmy Kimmel. Mondo from 'SNL' will be Jimmy Fallon, and of course I'll be played by Liza Minnelli." "What do school bullies grow up to be? NBC executives." Viewer mail: "Who's your favorite Disney princess?" Craig: "That's easy, Zac Efron" Guest Paula Poundstone: "I have two teenage daughters, a preteen son and thirteen cats, so I'm SO happy to be here."

Wednesday, January 13

Winner Conan O'Brien: "So, kids, you can do anything you want in life, unless Jay Leno wants to do it too."

David Letterman: "OK, settle down. CBS hasn't fired me yet. Man, it's cold. The weather service says we have an arctic chill between Jay and Conan. Conan says he won't go on at 12:05. NBC is trying to sweeten the deal by offering him 12:04. My mother, bless her, is so confused. Last night she actually watched me. Last night Jimmy Kimmel did his whole show dressed as Jay Leno. He was so convincing, today NBC canceled him. I haven't been this entertained by NBC since the Balloon Boy threw up on 'The Today Show.' And now NBC has to fill five prime-time hours. The first week, YouTube cat videos." "Sarah Palin will be keynote speaker at a wine and liquor convention in Las Vegas. Makes sense. When you're drunk she makes sense. Sarah Palin's now a Fox news analyst. At last they've found a job for which she's not underqualified." "Scientists have developed a female robot for robotic sex. Wait a minute. Isn't that marriage?" "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to invite Jay and Conan and Jimmy Fallon, and we can get a little folding chair for Carson Daly, and they can bring their lawyers and their wives, and we'll work it out. We won't leave the theater until everybody who wants a show has one."

Jay Leno: "The war in Afghanistan has gotten so messy they're calling it another NBC." "Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid grew up in a whorehouse surrounded by people who drank. Now he presides over a hundred whores who drink." "A woman reversed the wires on her husbands tools so he got a big shock. So he did the same thing to her vibrator." Jay showed a photo of the first Nevada male prostitute. It was Richard Simmons.

Jon Stewart: "If you could have sex with Carmen Electra, but first had to go through Potsie from 'Happy Days ..." "Mark McGwire said he didn't take steroids to improve performance. He just wanted small testicles."

Stephen Colbert: "Did Mark McGwire take steroids? Does the bear juice in the woods?" "The book 'Game Change' claims Bill Clinton said of Barack Obama that a few years ago he'd have been serving them coffee. That's so wrong, that he'd be serving coffee because he's black? He should be getting them coffee because he's Colombian."

Conan O'Brien: "I've been practicing the phrase, 'Who ordered the mocha grande?'" "I'm so happy at all the support I've been getting on the internet by Team Conan. It's the first team in my whole life for which I wasn't picked last." Conan then showed clips of the Pope and a lot of foreign leaders with the English translation being support for him. Next, Kenneth the Page from '30 Rock' led a group of tourists onto the stage and said this is where 'The Tonight Show' had been, and mentioned how all the crew members had moved their families from New York for nothing. Conan: "The 'American Idol' premiere got 31,000,000 viewers, but NBC said there's no such thing 31,000,000 viewers." "A South Pacific tribe apologized to the descendants of a missionary they ate, in a meeting described as awkward." Guest Ricky Gervais: "I'll be hosting the Golden Globes this weekend on a network we won't mention." Then we heard the NBC tones. "What are you going to do, Conan? What are you going to do? You have no discernible skills. I say that to you like a parent." Conan: "I could be a lifeguard." Ricky: "I can see the reflection off your skin dazzling ships." Andy Richter: "There've got to be jobs scaring children."

Jimmy Kimmel on his appearing the night before dressed as Jay Leno: "Last thing I remember is being caught in the headlights of an antique car. I woke up tied to a chair with jumper cables." "Hugh Hefner and his 20-year-old twin girlfriends have broken up. It's a delicate thing. You want to stay a girlfriend long enough to get your own reality show, but not so long you're the one he dies on top of."

Jimmy Fallon: "Did you see the premiere of 'American Idol'? It must be weird being on national television with a few people deciding your fate, like working at NBC." "Heidi Montag had ten plastic surgeries in one day. If she wants to look better she should have her Pratt removed." "Good news, the rate of weight gain is slowing. That's because so many Americans are already fat." "Sales of DVD porn are down 50% in the slow economy. For the first time porn stars are having a hard time making ends meet."

Craig Ferguson: "General Motors canceled Tiger today. I thought he was the perfect person to promote the Hummer. "'Spiderman 4' has been delayed because of script trouble. That didn't stop them with 'Spiderman 3.'" "Yes, years ago in London I played Brad Majors, the innocent American, in 'Rocky Horror.' It's like Larry King playing Annie." Viewer Mail: "Dear Craig, have you ever wondered what unicorn steak would taste like?" Craig: "I've tasted it. And now I have to taste the most forbidden game of all, man. I'd be the only late-night cannibal." "This e-mail is from Noel in Ohio. It was her birthday last month." Craig to talky guest Richard Lewis: "In order for me to ask you a question you have to leave a gap."

Thursday, January 14

Winner Conan O'Brien: "I've made a decision. While I can, while I still have the authority, I'm selling 'The Tonight Show' on Craigslist." This is real. http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/clt/1551463643.html

David Letterman: "You know the trouble at NBC over Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien? Are you sick of hearing about it? Me neither. NBC has applied to get the NBC peacock added to the endangered species list. President Obama has invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer. Ricky Gervais will be hosting the Golden Gloves on NBC this weekend, if Jay lets him." "Ten years ago today I had quintuple bypass surgery, and the doctor who did it is on the show tonight. Earlier I was showing him tonight's jokes, and he said, 'Dave, there's nothing I can do.' Bypass surgery is when doctors restore blood flow to your heart. Bypass is what's happening to Conan." Dave showed the NBC studios in Burbank to see if there was white smoke coming out of the chimney to signify they'd chosen a "Tonight Show" host. "Our good friend Sarah Palin is a contributor on Fox News, and she's already making friends over there. Today she showed Glenn Beck some mascara that doesn't run when you cry. Next week she'll be in Las Vegas speaking to a liquor convention. Which makes sense, since I think McCain was drunk when he picked her." "Jay Leno is getting so much criticism that they're putting out ads to improve his image. Dave showed a clip: "Jay Leno, standing up for American traditions, like killing Indians because you want their land."
Top Ten Pieces Of Advice For People Having Heart Surgery: 10. During the surgery, don't sneeze. 9. Never pay for the undercoating. 8. Make sure your surgeon has at least seven fingers. 7. Before surgery, wash your heart thoroughly with soap and water. 6. Have procedure done by reputable surgeon, or at least a very good dentist. 5. If satisfied with your operation, it's customary to tip 15%. 4. Ask surgeon to take photo of your heart for your Facebook profile picture. 3. Make sure the operating room isn't the back room of a pet store. 2. Confirm that the hospital uses only genuine Mr. Goodwrench parts. 1 .Be prepared: The nurses will laugh when they see you naked.

Jay Leno: "Welcome to 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me off NBC,'" "Sarah Palin's on Fox. If she does well, she'll get a long-term contract. If not, she'll blame it on Leno." "A mysterious object came within 80,000 miles of the Earth. Could it have been a Northwest flight?" "The worst thing about those airport full-body scans is if you're a guy, and you go through, and they say, 'Thank you, ma'am.'" "A lamb was born with a human-like face. Scientists have not been able to explain it, and neither has the farmer." Jay asked 10@C10 subject Jimmy Kimmel what was the best prank he ever pulled. Jimmy: "I told a guy I'd give him my show in five years. I gave it to him, but I took it back almost instantly." Jay: "Do you ever order anything off the TV?" Jimmy: "Like when NBC ordered you off the TV?" Jay: "What's your biggest fear?" Jimmy: "That the network will put me on at 10:00."

Jon Stewart: "No Gay Out: If we let gay married people get divorces ..."

Stephen Colbert: "Washington is full of lies. For example, did you know the Air and Space Museum is full of things?"

Conan O'Brien: "Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien, NBC's Employee of the Month. There's a rumor NBC wants me off the air for three years. If they don't want people to see me, they should leave me on NBC. I received an offer to appear in a porno movie. I'm not kidding. Just as a beautiful woman and I are about to climax, I'll get replaced by Jay Leno." "A Weight Watchers group in Sweden were lining up for a weigh-in and the floor collapsed. Police described it as hilarious." Andy Richter announced he'd do anything to get another job on TV: "You want me on a celebrity rehab show? Tell me the drug. I'll get hooked tomorrow." Conan: "I've made a decision. While I can, while I still have the authority, I'm selling 'The Tonight Show' on Craigslist." This is real. Look under L.A., SF Valley, for sale, collectibles: "4 SALE: BARELY-USED LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW Ð MAKE ME AN OFFER!!! (Universal Studios) This is a chance of a lifetime to own your very own late night talk show--guaranteed to last for up to seven months!! Really must see to appreciate. Information for potential buyers: - Measures 100Õ x 100Õ x 32Õ Ð plenty of room for a futon! - Designed for 11:35 but can be easily moved - Band can be sold separately - Buyer must honor Barry Manilow booking next Thursday MAKE ME YOUR BEST OFFER!!!!! (Also willing to trade for Coldplay tickets.)"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Not only will Conan be removed from the air, possibly as soon as next week, Jay Leno gets custody of his oldest child." "General Motors has canceled Tiger Woods, so the #1 golfer in the world no longer has a Caddy. I think it's dumb. People would look at the Tiger ads and think, 'Wow, this car really gets you chicks.' So now Tiger's driving an Oscar Meyer Wienermobile."

Jimmy Fallon: "Male-on-male sexual harassment in the workplace is on the rise, Higgins ... Speaking of suspicious packages, Higgins." "The man who created Spaghetti-Os has died at 83. His last words were, 'Uh oh.'" "'Canadian Beaver Magazine' has changed its name to avoid the unintended sexual connotations. The new name is 'Canadian Uh You Know Magazine.'"

Craig Ferguson: "Elton John may be replacing Simon Cowell on 'American Idol.' Elton is very excited to find he may be filling Simon's pants." Craig was glad TV's top fashion shows were moving back to New York: "Putting a fashion show in L.A. is like putting Jay Leno in prime time."

Friday, January 15

Winner Conan O'Brien: "Tiger Woods is rumored to be in a sex rehab clinic. Actually he's checked into three clinics, but they don't know about each other."

David Letterman: "The Ghost Whisperer in her spare time does favors for dead people. In tonight's program she tries to save NBC. President Obama says he's sending 30,000 troops into Burbank." "It's so cold Ted Williams' head is room temperature. So cold the Statue of Liberty is holding that torch under her dress." "The Golden Globes are Sunday. For these, you get nominated the old-fashioned way, bribes and hookers." A woman came out on stage and started brushing lint off Dave's suit. "Thank you, Sue." Sue: "We want you looking good. Don't want you to get your ass canned, too." "Scientists have come up with a female robot, anatomically correct, who can even carry on minimal conversations. In fact, the Republican Party wants to run one for Vice President. A robotic girl friend. At least you don't have to meet her parents." "A new book's come out that says Sarah Palin is an ignoramus who believed Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. Wait, that was George Bush wasn't it?" "Isn't it awful at airports now, having to go through underpants security?"

Dave's Green Tips:"Instead of running your power mower, teach your kids to graze. Leave old unwanted family members by the side of the road. Instead of an hour show at 10, do a half-hour show at 11:35." Guest Eddie Brill: "I always wondered why Adam and Eve had names. Adam: 'I think we should have names.' Eve: 'Really? I think we should see other people.'" "People seem to think if we don't allow gay marriage, gay people will just go away. I don't know if you know this, but gay people have been around for a long time, fifty, sixty years."
Top Ten Excuses of the Naked White House Jogger: 10. "It was my salute to the Washington Monument."

Jay Leno: "I can't wait for the Winter Olympics. The big event is watching two late-night hosts skating on thin ice. I'm getting killed in the press. It's bad when Tiger Woods calls you up to offer p.r. advice. Even David Letterman is taking shots at me. I thought he only took shots at interns." "Some cocaine was found in the space shuttle. Must have been put there by illegal aliens."

Conan O'Brien: "I'm Conan O'Brien, future answer to a $200 'Jeopardy' question. In the press NBC has been calling me every name in the book. They think I'm such an idiot they want me to run the network." "Michelle Obama won't let her kids watch 'Jersey Shore.' When asked why, she said, 'Because I love my kids.'" Announcer Andy Richter to a woman in the audience: "It sounds like you, like my wife, married someone a little bit gay." Conan: "A LITTLE bit gay?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "It's talk show follies. Oprah decided to retire, and the whole house tumbled down." "It's the one-year anniversary of that heroic landing in the Hudson River. To reward him, this year they're letting Sully land on Kate Hudson."

Craig Ferguson: "Jackie Chan is in a new comedy. Usually comedy and violence don't mix. Just look at NBC late night." "Arnold Schwarzenegger used to be called The Austrian Oak, but I think the steroids shrank his acorns. I was The Kitten from Britain, The Hot Mess from Loch Ness." "In a fight I'd say, 'You want a piece of me? Because I think a piece just fell off.'"

Monday, January 18

Winner Conan O'Brien: Conan already put the "Tonight Show" up for sale on Craigslist. Now he's offered himself in the casual encounters section: "Tall, slender redhead available for nighttime recreation M4WW - 6'4", completely ripped, VERY Caucasian. - Drapes match the carpet. - Currently homeless, must meet at your place. - Can go a whole hour (with scheduled breaks every 7-10 minutes). - Fatties welcome. - Not afraid to take two people at once, and then a musical guest. - NOTE: If you want me to perform after midnight, it'll cost you!"

David Letterman: Monologue not posted on website. If they post it, I'll add it tomorrow.

Jay Leno: "Did you see what Mariah Carey was wearing around her waist at the Golden Globes? Her neckline. Conan and I won for Best Late-Night Drama. We're both quitting NBC and moving to CBS with 'Two Men and a Half-Assed Network." "Did you see the Dallas Cowboys this weekend? I haven't seen cowboys cry like that since 'Brokeback Mountain.'" "Have you seen the Incinolet? It's a toilet that incinerates the waste rather than flushing it. There's a barbecue invitation you might want to skip." Headlines: "Simon Cowell Resigns, Leno Blamed." Ad: "House for sale, human owned." "School Dance Team." But the photo was the boys wrestling team.

Jon Stewart: "Mass Backwards: Ted Kennedy's Senate seat may go to a Republican.

Conan O'Brien: "I'm Conan O'Brien, and I want to ask all of you to write me letters of recommendation." "There's a rumor that I'm now prohibited by law from saying anything bad about NBC, so goodnight, folks. NBC's new slogan is 'More Colorful.' Because they're getting rid of the whitest guy on TV. At the Golden Globes Julia Roberts said NBC is in the toilet. NBC is upset, and toilets are furious." "The founder of Taco Bell has died, and they're not sure whether he'll have a funeral or a funeral supreme." "Fans of our show have organized 'I'm With Coco' rallies in several cities, including right outside our studios here in Burbank." Band member Labamba was in a Pope-mobile.

Andy Richter: "I think we should make it plain that the glass was for the safety of the crowd." Conan: "There was a competing NBC rally at the same time." He showed a clip of an empty field with one ass roaming across it.

Jimmy Fallon: "Model Kate Moss turned 36. She celebrated by looking at a cake." "A study showed that crying babies are the worst airline passengers. Second-worst, terrorists." "A bar has started giving free drinks to women, based on breast size. Another group also does this: men."

Craig Ferguson: "It was raining so hard here today I saw Jay Leno steal Conan's umbrella. I like rain, or anything that gives me an excuse for why my pants are damp." Viewer mail: "Have you ever been slapped by a woman you didn't know?" Craig: "I've been MARRIED to women I didn't know."

Tuesday, January 19

Winner Conan O'Brien: Guest Norm Macdonald brought on a gift basket he'd not delivered 7 months ago and read the card: "Congratulations, Conan, taking your place as the permanent host of 'The Tonight Show.' That's something that can never be taken away from you. In your new situation abysmal failure is not an option."

Dave Letterman: "The election for the Massachusetts Senate seat is very close, and my money's on Jay Leno. Last night Jay Leno said this whole late-night mess isn't his fault. But isn't it funny he always shows up at the scene of the crime? I've gotten my feelings hurt too. More people showed up at the Keep Conan rally than for the Fire Letterman rally. They're saying Conan's last show might be Friday. I was thinking, if CBS had a sense of humor they'd send a guy out right now to fire me. Conan says he wants to work for a network that's more trustworthy than NBC. How about Al Jazeera? I'll tell you how bad things are out there in Burbank. Earlier today the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered." "'GQ Magazine' named Johnny Depp the most stylish man in America. I'm on the list too, between Vinnie from 'The Jersey Shore' and the underpants bomber." "Chrysler's having trouble with the brake system, and they're recalling 24,000 cars. I said, holy crap, they've sold 24,000 cars? If you have one, you drive it to Spokane, home of the last remaining Chrysler dealership. They'll take care of you there." "Chemical Ali has been sentenced to death again. He killed 40,000 Kurds. He's not to be confused with the guy who destroyed NBC. That's Chemical Zucker." "They've updated Osama bin Laden's photo to try to show what he looks like today. Here's the sketch." Dave showed a drawing of Larry King.

Jay Leno: "There were so many rain clouds today I couldn't see the usual dark cloud hanging over NBC." "California is about to legalize marijuana. You thought Governor Arnold was hard to understand before." "A year ago Captain Sully Sullenberger landed his plane in the Hudson. It was nice to find out it wasn't just another drunk pilot." "The new Prius is great. You can do all 18 holes without recharging." "A brothel called The Shady Lady has hired Mario, the first legal male prostitute in history, not counting elected officials, of course." "Hugh Hefner, 83, just broke up with his twin 20-year-old girlfriends. At least they think he broke up with them. He may have just wandered off." "China stopped a gay beauty pageant. They said the same guy won every year: Mr. Hung. Number two? Mr. Wang." "Our first guest tonight is Chelsea Handler, She was already here interviewing for the 11:30 spot, so she thought she'd drop in on us." Jay played a game where he typed in random words to see what Bing would produce: "Plunging neckline, perky nipples - Simon Cowell." "Foreign, underwear, bomb - Taco Bell." "Bad college roommate, family members you hate, stalkers - Facebook." "Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, crying baby - Glenn Beck." "Peaks, valleys, double-sided tape - Mariah Carey." "Infidelity, Viagra, AARP - David Letterman." "Red hair, overrated, millionaire - Carrot Top."

Jon Stewart: "Set your TiVos for handsome. Tonight's guest is Colin Firth." Larry Wilmore: "Those guys on Fox are going to be pretty embarrassed, if they ever develop the ability to feel shame."

Stephen Colbert: "Should Christianity be kept out of the military? No. Jesus isn't gay." "I think they should introduce the Hand GreBible and the Promised Land Mine."

Conan O'Brien: "I'm Conan O'Brien and I'm just three days away from the biggest drinking binge in history. I really appreciate all the rallies for me, including one in Chicago. When Cubs fans feel sorry for you ... Here at Universal City they've opened a new ride in our honor, The Tunnel of Litigation. I'm being muzzled, so I'm not allowed to tell you NBC's going downhill faster than a fat man chasing a cheese wheel. I may not get to keep the show's intellectual property. It's a great country where a masturbating bear is intellectual property." "For $65 you can now take a tour through the toughest gang territory in the city. It's also known by another name, A Ride in from the Airport." "The founder of Taco Bell has died. His tombstone reads 'Husband, Father, Inventor of Diarrhea.' I'd still take that over 'Coco.'" "People ask what I'll do with my time off. First I'll introduce myself to my children."

Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy wondered what the master would have thought about the NBC situation, so he called up the ghost of Johnny Carson. He got the ghost of Carson Daly instead. Jimmy: "But you're not dead." Carson: "I'm on at 3 in the morning. Same difference." Jimmy: "The best contestant on 'American Idol' so far has been the 'Pants on the Ground' guy. We haven't seen that since Paula Abdul was auditioning contestants." "It rained on the Golden Globes. There was water spilling onto the dress Mariah Carey was spilling out of."

Jimmy Fallon: "Sarah Palin says her deal with Fox News won't keep her from running for President. No, but it will keep her from winning." "In 2009 there was a decrease in people robbing banks, and an increase in banks robbing people." "A man bit off a cop's nipple in a fight. Police are looking for the man in the surrounding areola." "Weight Watchers is suing Jenny Craig for false advertising. This could mean big losses for Jenny Craig, but don't worry, they'll gain it right back."

Craig Ferguson: "Martha Stewart got a lesson in pole dancing today. The audience got a lesson in gravity." ";'Avatar' is doing fantastic business. In the real world it's frowned upon to have sex with magical blue creatures. Call me, Blue Man Group."

Wednesday, January 20

Winner Jay Leno: "Letterman's been going after me every night. You know how to get Letterman to ignore you? Marry him."

David Letterman: "There's flooding in L.A. Good thing Conan O'Brien's getting sandbagged. They've got the floods. They've got the mudslides. And, as usual, the only thing left standing is Jay Leno. Conan can't take his intellectual property rights with him. That's OK. Jay will use them. Conan's going to get $32,000,000 to leave NBC. When I left all I got was a restraining order. Jay will be taking over the 'Tonight Show,' so he's gotta get in shape. He's been working out an hour a day on the Chinmaster." "Massachusetts has a new Senator, Scott Brown. That's the kind of name you get in the Witness Relocation Program. He used to be a nude model. Folks say he's smarter and cuter than Sarah Palin. There are other politicians who used to be models."

Jay Leno: "This rain couldn't have come at a worse time. Today's the day NBC was supposed to burn down the studio for the insurance money." "The mayor of San Diego said he'd been against gay marriage, but now he's for it. Must have been quite a weekend." "'Avatar 2' will take place 126 years in the future, when NBC will finally be cleaning up its late-night problems." "Erectile dysfunction increases your chances of a heart attack. Well, knowing that should help you get it up." "A man was ordered to stay out of a park after he was caught having sex with a tree. The formal charge was lumberjacking."

Jon Stewart: "Both Obama and Conan moved their families across the country. Both have large staffs. Both were asked to distance themselves from their masturbating bears [photos of Conan's Masturbating Bear and of Bill Clinton]." "Formerly, Republican Americans in Massachusetts only controlled all the financial institutions and restricted clubs."

Stephen Colbert: "Boston Dream Guy: Obama was defeated by an unknown who rode to victory on a promise of change. Republicans now have an unstoppable 41-seat superminority in the Senate."

Conan O'Brien: "Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien. Sorry I'm late. I had a job interview at Lady Foot Locker. You know, I should have suspected something when NBC sent me a 2010 calendar that only had January. I never thought I'd be jealous of the long run NBC gave 'Joey.' I've been worried about the staff, but NBC told me they're being taken to a lovely farm where they can run free forever." "Madonna's consulting a doctor about conceiving another child at 51. The doctor took a look and said, 'Good Lord! What happened to that thing!?'" Conan brought out the Masturbating Bear. "It's always nice to see an old friend." Andy Richter: "The way he was doing himself was the bear equivalent of 'You like me. You really like me.'" When Conan and Jay Leno left their old shows they brought out all the babies that were born to staff members during the run of the show. Conan: "We've only been here seven months, so that's not enough time for babies, but one of our staff members bought two hamsters, so here are all their descendants." Guest Adam Sandler: "The last time something like this happened, my mother had been pregnant with me for seven months, and I heard a voice: 'We have to pull the plug.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "We're having mudslides and flooding. Even Mini Me has been put up on a high shelf to keep him out of danger." "In Massachusetts Republican Scott Brown got the youth vote, mostly because of his wife, Foxy Brown." "The House of Representatives questioned the White House party crashers, but they refused to talk. It was that old game of Hide the Salahis." "Here's the Octomom in a bikini on the cover of a magazine. She says she works out three hours a day. So she must be raising the hell out of those fourteen kids."

Jimmy Fallon: "Sooki from 'Jersey Shore' is getting $10,000 to appear at Yale. And why is the Chinese educational system doing so much better than ours?" "A man was arrested trying to rob a Subway shop. In prison he'll have his choice of a 6-inch or a footlong every night."

Craig Ferguson: "Donald Trump's ex-wife Ivana stripped on British TV, and now we know what that thing on his head is made of." "Today is Penguin Awareness Day. As if we weren't already aware. There's 'Happy Feet,' 'March of the Penguins,' 'No Country for Old Penguins' ... Penguins eat lots of fish and then regurgitate them for their young. That's how they got the nickname Nature's Supermodels." Viewer Mail: "Why do people scratch their heads when they're supposedly thinking? The other night I saw you scratch your head when you were supposedly thinking."

Thursday, January 21

Winner Jimmy Kimmel, who showed a brilliant video of "The Late Night War" as a Ken Burns documentary.

David Letterman: "Massachusetts elects a Senator who's a Republican and who drives a truck, a Chevy with 200,000 miles on it. Which is harder to believe? Massachusetts elects a Republican or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles? His opponent was ahead by 20 points, but she blew it. Apparently she put in the Patriot's defense. Scott Brown's a former go-go boy. He liked to pose naked for magazines, and that's given other politicians ideas. Here's Senator Chuck Schumer."

"Scott and his wife celebrated by taking a walk on the beach."

"Air France has started charging obese passengers for two seats. On the bright side, two seats, two meals." "TV news, tomorrow night will be Conan O'Brien's last show. Was there a problem? Conan was there for seven months and he's walking away with $45,000,000. It's like a Larry King divorce. As part of the settlement Conan will not be allowed to badmouth NBC. Don't worry. Leave that to me."
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Scott Brown: 10. He's the nephew of Godfather of Soul James Brown. 9. Climate change is partly the result of his smoldering hunkiness. 8. His response to the health care reform crisis: "Don't Blame Conan." 7. Got start in politics by rounding up illegals to work in Mitt Romney's yard. 6. Once in state senate, cracked a walnut with his ass. 3. When his daughter was finalist on "American Idol," he exchanged beauty tips with Ryan Seacrest. 2. His election helped GOP ratings skyrocket to 17%! 1. It's so cold today in Boston today he actually put on pants.

Jay Leno: "People in L.A. haven't seen this much water since the Octomom gave birth." "The balance of power in the Senate is switching from the incapable to the morally corrupt. New Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown posed nude for 'Cosmo' back when GOP stood for Grand Old Package.'" "John Edwards had asked his aide to steal the baby's diaper for a DNA test. Turned out both the diaper and Edwards were full of crap." "An off-duty Chicago cop had his nipple bitten off while trying to stop a fight. He said he was just glad the other guy wasn't a dwarf." "The Shady Lady Brothel in Nevada has America's first legal male prostitute for women. For $50 he'll talk dirty to you. For $100 he'll have sex with you. For $200 he'll listen to you." "Conan is leaving NBC tomorrow. I'm staying with the Titanic."

Jon Stewart: "John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife and had a baby with his documentarian mistress, whose vagina was evidently doing a documentary on his penis." "Massachusetts: What did Brown do for you?"

Stephen Colbert: "If Obama were as good as Sarah Palin he'd be retired by now."

Conan O'Brien: "I knew it was official this morning when NBC dropped off all my CDs and picked up the lava lamp. My apologies to the guests who were scheduled for next week: President Barack Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England and Elvis Presley." Conan listed the people he's made fun of. "Today I realized they all still have shows and I don't. According to my agreement with NBC I'm prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30." Guest Ben Stiller suggested they seal up the $50,000,000 studio that had only been used for 7 months. "Then in 75 years your aged children can open it up to see how Andy's doing." Guest Robin Williams: "How much for the couch? You leave, and it's going to be Dave and Jay battling over a merkin."

Jimmy Kimmel: "You pay me $45,000,000, and I'll go home right now. Haiti is trying to get fired by NBC." "Here in L.A. we've had fire, and we've had rain. We've had sunny days we thought would never end. We're being destroyed by a James Taylor song." "Some important news for those of you who enjoy sexual intercourse, many Chinese condoms are defective. Maybe the fact that there are so many Chinese should have tipped us off." "Tonight is the season finale of 'Jersey Shore,' and the kids have all gone back to Harvard."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama has three years left, but NBC offered him $45,000,000 to leave now." "Yesterday was Penguin Awareness Day. That must be why I didn't see any commuting yesterday. They must have all had the day off." "Dave Letterman, Conan O'Brien and I have all hosted this show. If there's one thing I've learned it's that it's not a ticket to hosting 'The Tonight Show.'"

Craig Ferguson: "It was the season finale of 'Jersey Shore,' the most popular show in MTV history, even bigger than 'Ride My Pimp.'" "Welcome our first guest, the lovely and fragrant Adam Goldberg."

Friday, January 22

Winner Craig Ferguson: "On this show I get to meet my heroes. I feel like Derek Jeeter getting to meet Babe Ruth, or Mel Gibson getting to meet Hitler."

David Letterman: "Tonight is Conan O'Brien's last night, so it looks like I knocked off another competitor. Also, today is the fifth anniversary of the death of Johnny Carson, but don't worry, Jay has an alibi. You've got to admire Jay. He's like a whack-a-mole. You think you've canceled him, and he pops up in another time period." "The Boat Show is in New York until January 24 or until all the boats are stolen." "Detroit has come up with an NBC concept car. You push a button and the wheels fall off." "Yakov Smirnoff is 59 today, famous Russian. He spent the day waving to Sarah Palin." Interesting Facts: "Fans booed Thomas Edison when he went electric." "According to the Mayan calendar, women drink free on Thursdays."
Top Ten Things To Be Happy About: 10. Still no Larry King sex tapes. 9. America has a rich surplus of Kardashians. 8. The Taco Bell drive-thru diet. 7. More aggressive friskings at our nation's airports.
6. Jets coach Rex Ryan is sort of like the funny fat guy on "Cheers." 5. Go to YouTube, type "kitties" and thank me later. 4. Only three more entries on this list. 3. Renee Zellweger is proving that you can be fun and flirty at 40. 2. Snooki and "The Situation" got busy in the hot tub, while Vinnie D and Ronnie went tanning and didn't tell J-Woww. 1. For once, things are finally starting to go Jay Leno's way.

Jay Leno didn't appear.

Conan O'Brien's last "Tonight Show:" "We have exactly one hour to steal every single item in this studio." Andy Richter: "I'm going to push this podium home." Conan: "According to the agreement I signed I can't host another show for at least seven months, so next week tune in to 'The Andy Richter Show' with his sidekick Coco. As I look for a new position out there I want to make one thing clear. I will do nudity. Oh, and a note to HBO, when you make the movie about the late-night wars I want to be played by redhead Tilda Swinton. As you know, in order to cost NBC, this week we've been doing comedy bits that aren't so much funny as crazy expensive. Two nights ago it cost $1,500,000. Last night we did one that cost $4,800,000. Tonight's is going to cost NBC a whopping $65,000,000. From the Smithsonian Institute here's a giant prehistoric sloth spewing Beluga caviar over a genuine Picasso. People have been upset about these sketches. Come on, folks, we're only kidding about the money." Surprise guest Steve Carell gave Conan an exit interview, with questions such as, "Did anything trigger your decision to leave NBC?" Then Steve put Conan's i.d. badge through a shredder.

Jimmy Kimmel" "The Hope for Haiti concert was on all the major networks tonight, plus NBC. It all went fine until Jay Leno said he wanted to host and grabbed the mic from George Clooney. They're redoing 'We Are the World' as a fund-raiser for Haiti. Michael Jackson will be replaced by the 'Pants on the Ground guy." "Well, last night was the season finale for 'Jersey Shore,' and the cast members have all returned to live in their mothers' homes." "Here's Chris Brown posing in Paris with a bloody Jean-Paul Gaultier. That's smart. Like Tiger Woods dropping into a Hooters."

Jimmy Fallon: "An employee at Taco Bell was jailed for one day for throwing a taco at his manager. In jail he met a lot of guys who wouldn't think outside the bun." "On 'Jersey Shore' Sooki hooked up with The Situation, or as I think of it, Alien vs. Predator."

Monday, January 25
Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon in reruns

Winner Craig Ferguson: "Jay Leno is going on Oprah. I never thought I'd say this, but watch your back, Oprah."

Jay Leno: "John McCain's wife and daughter have endorsed gay marriage. John is still a traditionalists, believing marriage should be between an older man and a much younger, hotter woman." "Osama bin Laden is trying to take credit for the Christmas Day bombing plot and for putting me on at 10 o'clock." "California is about to legalize marijuana. Have you seen the posters? 'Yes We Cannabis.'" "George H.W. Bush went to the game, but George W. didn't make it. When it comes to New Orleans he's always a week or two late." "The good news is that Cuba will pay for sex change operations. The bad news is that the operation's done with those cigar cutters." "More teens say they're getting hit on by their supervisors at McDonald's. I don't even want to tell you what's going on at In-N-Out Burger." "John Mayer says he's masturbated his way out of some big mistakes. He has the makings of an NBC executive." Guest Alonzo Bodden: "Swine flu is the only disease that comes and goes depending on what else is in the news." Headlines: "Growing Plants Where the Sun Don't Shine." "Catholic Board Passes Wind." Grocery ad for "Christmas Butt Cake." A thief stole 21 tires and tied them all to the outside of his car. Ad: "Buy two eyelashes, get one free." Story of a woman who talked dirty to a man on the phone for ten minutes before realizing he wasn't her boyfriend. "She later reported the incident to police."

Jon Stewart: On the ruling corporations can now contribute to political campaigns with no limits: "Before this many corporations were forced to live outside our shores in tiny mailboxes. They now have more rights than people. Corporations can merge, but gay people can't marry." John Oliver: "That's natural, Jon. It's AT&T, not AT&Steve." Jon to guest Bill Gates: "Does it feel good being retired from Microsoft? Now you can have an iPhone."

Stephen Colbert: "Here's a surprising concept for a New York Senate seat. Could there be a Senator Coco?"

Craig Ferguson: "Andy Dick got arrested again. Your move, Mel Gibson." "Cher's house in Hawaii is up for sale, It's been under construction since 2003, and she's never even lived in it. Like her face." "My first wife was Scottish, so I know what cold is, but Canada!" "I said 'scrotum.' That always sounds to me like a butler's name." Viewer Mail: Dear Craig, I'd like a haircut like yours. How should I describe it to my barber?" Craig: "Ask him for the Minnelli." Guest Carl Reiner: "If you have an odd-numbered ticket you can go backstage and see Craig's scrotum."

Saturday, January 23, Screen Actors Guild Awards: Sandra Bullock presented Betty White with the Lifetime Achievement Award. Betty: "Isn't it encouraging to see how far a girl as plain as Sandra can come?" "You know, I'm still starstruck. It boggles me that I have worked with so many of you, maybe even had a few." George Clooney: "I once did an episode of 'The Golden Girls,' and I'd like to thank Betty for her discretion."

Saturday, January 23, Wanda Sykes: "Do you like the 'Pants on the Ground' guy? I also tried out for 'American Idol.'" Wanda sang "Boobs Out Your Blouse." "It looks like the vultures have quit circling NBC. Conan's ratings were so good in the final week that NBC is considering putting him on at 10 o'clock." "Massachusetts has elected a Republican to the Senate. Before this Massachusetts was so blue it should have been in 'Avatar.' Republicans are already touting Scott Brown as Presidential material. Even Sarah Palin is going, 'You're kidding me.'"


[White House Correspondents' Association Dinner] I was there in my capacity as a vulgar lounge entertainer.

... and then all of a sudden we were standing in front of Mr. and Mrs. Cheney and being introduced. I felt a little awkward; I'm always a bit shy around evil people. Dick himself was surprisingly affable and had a croaky easy laugh, but I did get the very strong impression I was in the presence of a Bond villain. All he needed was a pussy to stroke, although not in front of the grandchildren of course.

Tuesday, January 26

Winner Jay Leno: "'Avatar' is like the sequel to 'Titanic.' Remember at the end of 'Titanic' when everyone turned blue?"

Jay Leno: "The State of the Union address will concentrate on U.S. jobs, so I assume he'll talk a lot about India." "Wal-Mart is cutting 11,000 jobs. It's easier to fire in bulk. The announcement was in English, however, so the employees keep showing up for work." "Holiday Inns in Great Britain are offering human bed warmers. Hookers are saying, 'Why didn't we think of calling it that?'" "If Heidi Montag got triple-D breasts, did she really need the other nine plastic surgeries?" Guest Mel Gibson: "My business partner tells people, 'You'll meet Mel twice, once when he apologizes to you.'"

Jon Stewart: "Sects, Lies and Audiotape: Osama bin Laden has released another tape."

Stephen Colbert: "Unemployment in my home state of South Carolina has hit 12%, partly because the Governor has outsourced his mistresses."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tonight's our seventh anniversary. Seven years is when you get the itch to have sex with other talk show hosts." "Today's also the octuplets' first birthday. Somebody hired a clown to twist the Octomom's lips into balloon animals. I think it's a good time for her to get her octotubes tied." Guest Harrison Ford: "I was on the road with The Doors. I don't remember anything."

Craig Ferguson: "A woman fainted on 'The Price Is Right' today." He showed a clip with a Drew Carey fart noise to explain why she passed out. "Today is Australia Day. They're the world's 18th largest economy, right after Oprah. Koalas are cute, but they bite and they poop on you. They're like little furry Germans." Guest Fifty Cent: "Now I'm in competition with Susan Boyle." Craig: "Don't get in a fight with her. She's a Scottish woman. She'll beat the pants off you."


[During WWII] When the American GIs turned up in Glasgow, en route to Europe, they must have seemed like gods for their white teeth and lack of rickets alone.

Scottish people love to dance. Only certain types of dancing, though. The kind that comes with a set of rules and instructions. We are, after all, the great engineers. Organized stamping and clapping or structured reels and skips are what Scots want Ñ God forbid anything involving sexiness or free expression, no fluid or sensual movements, please. No squeezy buttocks pushing against groins to a salsa beat, that's just the kind of thing that leads to people talking about their feelings. The GIs changed all that.

Wednesday, January 27

Winner Jimmy Kimmel: "Tiger Woods is in a sex rehab clinic in Mississippi. While his wife Elin is visiting him she's staying at Brett Favre's nearby ranch. So another interception for Brett."

Jay Leno wasn't on.

Jon Stewart: On the Supreme Court refusing to follow precedent on letting corporations contribute to political campaigns: "Democrats may be forced to repeal child labor laws. We're losing a lot of child jobs to China."

Stephen Colbert: On the same topic: "Overturning previous decisions leads to chaos. See Leno v. O'Brien."

Jimmy Kimmel: "'Joint session of Congress' sounds a lot more fun than it is. The Republicans pointed out that Obama hasn't solved any of the problems they left him with." Guest Mel Gibson showed a photo of his baby daughter in blue and white make-up from "Braveheart." Mel played Jimmy in a movie about the late-night wars.

Craig Ferguson: "Susan Boyle called the police because of an intruder in her house. That must have been scary. You're in a dark room, and suddenly there's Susan Boyle." "It's Mozart's birthday. Austria's always reminding you Mozart's from there, probably to take your mind off anyone else who was from there. Mozart was like a rock star, but women didn't throw their underwear on-stage. It would have taken too long. You can tell Mozart was just a child when he wrote his first opera, because it has an armpit solo in the middle."


When my mother did finally come home with my baby sister, I was very annoyed. She was a whiney little fartball who constantly stole my thunder, but eventually she grew up to be one of the funniest people I know, although she can still be both farty and whiney. She now works as a writer on my television show, where I shamelessly exploit her for my own profit. Sweet revenge.

Thursday, January 28

Winner Jimmy Kimmel: "It's been an Oprahwhelming day. Jay Leno went on to complain that he got his show back."

Jay Leno: "Did you folks watch the State of the Ruin address?" "Terrorists are collecting Botox, which can be used to kill people. Nancy Pelosi is a WMD, Woman of Mass Destruction." "There's a John Edwards sex tape. He calls out his own name." "Have you seen the new iPad? You can do ten different things while steering with your knees." "Ted Haggard's wife says he's completely cured of being gay. He now thinks outside the bun." Jay to an Obama impersonator: "John Mayer says he's often masturbated his way out of problems. Can we masturbate our way out of this financial crisis?" Impersonator: "Only if we all pull together."

Jon Stewart: "The Democrats have vowed to continue fighting — among themselves."

Jimmy Kimmel: On gays: "Sometimes you don't have to ask. You can just tell."

Craig Ferguson: "J.D. Salinger passed away at 91. He's most famous for his 1951 book 'Catcher in the Rye.'" [Audience applauds] "He can't hear you. Anyway, that was in the days when teens were affected by well-written angst, as opposed to today, when they're affected by moody vampires who express themselves with their abs. Salinger became a recluse. It was as though he disappeared. It's like he got a talk show at 12:30."


I don't say this to try to impress you but I was a bed wetter until I was around eleven years old. Then I stopped, but not for long. I started drinking alcohol regularly when I was in my early teens, at which point I returned to intermittent bed-wetting until I was twenty-nine. I haven't peed myself since the 18th of February, 1992, the day I got sober. Therefore I suppose I was a bed wetter until I was almost thirty. But I did stop before I was thirty, and I think my family and the people of Scotland should take a great deal of pride in that.

For schoolteachers, however, it was different. Her name was Mrs. Sherman and I still think of her, after twenty-five years in show business and two failed marriages, as without question the most colossal fucking bitch I have ever met in my life.

Friday, January 29

Winner Jay Leno: "Author J.D. Salinger died at 91 after an extremely long bout of teen angst. That joke was for me."

Jay Leno: "Las Vegas has the most foreclosures of any city. It's so bad the New York New York Casino has been renamed Newark Newark." "A man advertised on Craigslist that he'd trade one testicle for Super Bowl tickets. That Brett Favre really wants to go to the Super Bowl." "A group of sorority girls were arrested for paddling pledges. Officers described it as the hottest arrest ever." Jay had some great clips about shows he was pitched for 10:00.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Happy Oprah's Birthday to everyone. Three wise men followed a star and brought her gold, frankincense and Stedman." "Going up against 'Lost' on Tuesday nights, NBC is replacing Jay Leno with 'The Biggest Loser,' a title that seems ironic." Jimmy showed a scary picture of John Edwards' mistress: "This woman doesn't want us to see her having pregnant sex. I think we can go along with that. No restraining order necessary." "There's been a huge salami recall. Now what am I going to put on my cereal in the morning?" "Spencer Pratt was arrested for a traffic violation while his wife Heidi is off on a tour supporting her plastic surgery."

Craig Ferguson: "One of Tiger Woods' mistresses is saying that his sex fantasies aren't normal. He's a man. If his sex fantasies were normal he wouldn't be normal." "'When in Rome' opens today. She takes coins out of the Fountain of Love, and that makes people fall in love with her. If that were true, everyone would be in love with hobos. Call me, Railroad Bob." "Caligula thought he was God and shagged everything that moved. He was their John Edwards. Caligula made his horse a Senator to show his contempt for the political process. Like John McCain picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate."


I never go window-shopping, unless it's for windows.

Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla Ñ you ain't done till the gorilla's done.

When I did drink again it was not El-D, and I was careful, consuming just a few beers before I went to the Y disco, and I soon began to see what the fuss was about with regard to alcohol. It was fun. If you got the right buzz on, it really could make you feel like a giant as you took that Friday night saunter into the darkened church hall where the girls were already dancing in little circles around their handbags.

Extras, January 29 - 31

Winner Maria Bramford: "Let me illustrate the Middle East. Here's the church. Here's the mosque. Open the doors, and everybody's mad."

John Oliver on Comedy Central: "Soon, four of the last eight Governors of Illinois will have gone to prison. That's 50%. If you grow up in East L.A. your chances are only 33%." "What makes Americans great is their willingness to set ridiculous records. Most live rattlesnakes dangled from the mouth? Ten. Can you imagine him, nine rattlesnakes dangling by their tails, and he thinks, 'I could fit one more in.'"

Maria Bramford on Comedy Central: "My friends yell, 'Come outside,' and I yell back, 'I can't. I'm filthy.' They yell, 'Take a shower.' 'No, I'm filthy inside!'" "Men are from Mars and women want their penis."

Hannibal Buress on Comedy Central: "At 16 my friends pressured me into drinking and smoking weed. At 26 my friends pressure me into hiking." "In my neighborhood a Mexican place got replaced by a church, and I'm not happy. I like Mexican food more than I love Jesus. A beef burrito is delicious, and it's real."

Amy Schimmer on Comedy Central: "I'd like to dedicate this set to my unborn children. I'm sorry I never got to meet you guys." "I'm very superstitious. I have a four-leaf clover and a baby's foot." "Because of my parents I have a 7-year-old Vietnamese brother. I'd been meaning to get one. My parents picked him up at the Dollar Store. He worked there. There's Charlie smell all over the house now. That's his name!" "My girlfriend said her cat was dead, so I asked if he got run over by a car. 'No, AIDS.' 'I didn't know your cat was gay.' OK, I know all gay cats don't have AIDS." "I dated a mime. At first I didn't realize. I thought he was just pale and quiet. But we could never get close. It was as though there was a wall between us."

Marc Maron: "I feel sorry for people who've never been addicted to anything. You don't know what it's like to really, really, really want something, and then get it, again and again, until you get sick and have to stop." "I only need two friends, the main one, and the one I go to when I've drained the main one." "I bought an Apple computer because I had to, because I walked into an Apple store, once. But when I got it home I didn't want to dirty its head with all this filthy stuff, so I still have an old whore of a PC in the garage for watching porn." "I've been dating, or sexually acting out, depending on who you ask." "I'm not a racist, just nervous. Have you ever thought something was stolen, and then you find your wallet under the couch cushion? Then you can't tell your one black friend who you thought stole it? ... What do we know about the Chinese, after all? We eat in their restaurants, and leave thinking they're mad at us, but what do we know about their culture?"

Ross Matthews on "Chelsea Lately" about the cast of Jersey Shore sticking together to demand big pay raises the way the cast of "Friends" did: "I hope they get it. You can't buy that kind of stupid."


Anthony Jeselnik on Comedy Central: "You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drown in the bathtub. And you don't know anything about washing babies."

Wanda Sykes on Fox: "The ratings for the State of the Union address were a little down from last year. President Obama better watch out, or Jay Leno might take over. But how do people expect Obama to solve all the problems in a year? The man went to Harvard, not Hogwarts."

Jon Hamm & Andy Samberg in SNL digital short "Sergio"

Seth Meyers on SNL about the iPad: "This week Apple released a thing that does things its other things already do." "The Octomom celebrated one year of being a crazy cat lady, but with babies." "'Jersey Shore' was held up this week while the cast members held out for more money. Wait. They get money?" "A man paid a 40-year-old hooker named Truck Stop only $5 instead of her usual $10. Luckily there's not much you can do to damage the self-esteem of a $10 hooker named Truck Stop."

Grammys: Stephen Colbert: "Tonight we celebrate our most important right, the right of celebrities to congratulate each other." "Why isn't Susan Boyle here? Last year the industry was saved by a 48-year-old cat lady in sensible shoes." "Wait a minute. Where's the list of nominees. Oh, here it is on my iPad. Didn't you get one in your gift bag, Jay-Z?"

Chad Daniels on Comedy Central: "So I made a joke about a 5-year-old with a lisp. He'll grow out of it. It's not like I made a joke about an 18-year-old with a lisp. That would be gay bashing, and I wouldn't do it."

Lisa Landry on Comedy Central: "I'd like to be thin, but I like fried food better. Counting calories? That's two things I hate, math and self-deprivation." "There was nothing to do in my town. Friday night you could go to the Dairy Queen or you could make a baby. Three of my girlfriends got knocked up because they were on diets." "And a gym is just a P.E. class that you pay to skip." "You ever tried green tea? It tastes like old lady."

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.



What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all? Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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