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Relive History the Fun Way

Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

 

January 2009

Week One

Sean Penn accepting Best Actor for Milk at the Critics' Choice Awards: "We all know at heart this is a beauty contest, so I had an advantage." The camera immediately cut to his competitors, an amused Brad Pitt, and then Mickey Rourke. And a costar accepting Best Actress for Meryl Streep: "I know she'd especially like to thank me."

Comedian Daniel Tosh: "I had sex with a teacher in high school, and that didn't make me cooler. Of course, I was home schooled." "Bring the troops home. Let them fight here. Sleep at home, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war." "I'm kind of hoping one of the Olsen twins ODs so I can quit guessing."

Jay Leno: "Barack Obama is in D.C. It's the first time a Democrat has checked into a hotel under his own name." "Sarah Palin wanted to name her grandson Joe the Baby." "It was 32 degrees at the Mexican border today, or as Wal-Mart calls it, a hiring freeze." "A zoo in China is using Viagra to get a tiger to mate. A tiger on Viagra. That's got to be Roy's worst nightmare." "Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson got into a huge fight over the weekend. Sam left the toilet seat up again." "At the luncheon Obama didn't have any accomplishments as President to talk about, so he was like President Bush." "Obama is going to do away with don't ask, don't tell. If people are risking their lives to serve in the military, they should have the right to openly watch Dancing with the Stars." "Hugh Hefner has three new girlfriends, a 22-year-old and 19-year-old twins. Even the guys on To Catch a Predator are going, 'Ew!'" "An Australian man was fined $2,000 for filming himself driving 108 m.p.h. while masturbating. At least he wasn't text messaging." "The Golden Globes are like rehab with fewer stars."

Conan O'Brien: "Both the Obama girls are already reading at well above President Bush level." "Because of the poor economy, fewer women are getting breast implants. If there ever was a time for a federal bailout ..." "A car that runs on fat. Now what country has the greatest energy reserves!" Conan had the University of Florida mascot, a four-foot mechanical Gator with Gaydar (a pink antenna dish). It rolled over to the band member he always claims is gay. He also had the Blue Man Groupie, a woman with blue around her mouth.

Comedian Doug Benson: "I leave my socks on during sex. What's the big deal? It's just me alone at the computer, and it's cold in my parents' basement."

Craig Ferguson: "Sarah Palin's helping out with her grandson's diaper changing. It's like when she was on the road with John McCain." "I dropped my iPhone in my coffee. It made my coffee taste like porn." Craig got married. "It feels funny wearing a ring that's not on my nipples." "The media are so afraid of Oprah they won't say she put on weight until she announces it." "Obama is expected to replace the military's don't ask, don't tell policy with the jazz hands salute." "There was a great controversy about my wedding, like the controversy about my mustache. First a mustache, now a beard." "The director won for Most Original Product Placement at the Porn Awards." Guest Tim Meadows: "At the Porn Awards the Best Picture was The Bi-curious Case of Benjamin's Butt."

Dave Letterman: "Marley and Me has a very sad ending. The dog runs off with Angelina Jolie." "Today would have been Richard Nixon's birthday. Remember when he looked like a bad President?" "The Obamas' stuff arrived in Washington on U-Haul One." "Cheney was packing today, bubble-wrapping his waterboard." "Sarah Palin brought her new grandson over to her house and held him up so the Russians could get a look at him." Guest Kevin James: "I bought a George Foreman grill. Sometimes the meat's a little dry, but that dipping tray at the bottom is wonderful." Guest Ricky Gervais: "For our mother's funeral my brother Bob told the vicar, 'She was a keen racist.' Then he gave the vicar the wrong names for all our brothers and sisters."

Lesbian news commentator Rachel Maddow to Jon Stewart: "I don't have a television, so I watch you on the on-line machine."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The porn industry is asking for a government bailout. In L.A. alone a thousand pairs of legs have closed."

 

Week Two

Seth Meyers on SNL: "The Five Presidents Lunch was the idea of Barack Obama and not Agatha Christie."

Golden Globes: Presenter Ricky Gervais: "I can't believe I wasn't nominated. Last time I'll have sex with 200 middle-aged journalists with wispy beards. And the men were even worse." Sacha Baron Cohen: Benjamin Button is about a man whose face gets younger as he gets older, just like many people in this room." "Times are hard. Even Madonna has had to get rid of one of her assistants. Our thoughts go out to Guy Ritchie."

Dave Letterman: "When she won the Golden Globe Cate Winslet accidentally picked up Tom Cruise." "When Bush learned the Obama's are getting a dog he could see it out in the backyard digging up all those old Al Gore ballots." "Bush admitted a couple of things went wrong -- his first term, and his second term." "We know it's a recent bin Laden tape because he refers to Salma Hayek as 'smokin' hot on the Golden Globes.' Plus it aired in his new 10 p.m. time slot." To Clint Eastwood: "You have seven children?" Clint: "At least."

Conan O'Brien: "On American Idol a contestant in a bikini kissed Ryan Seacrest and said she wanted to have his baby. This hasn't happened to Ryan since Clay Aiken." "Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood."

Craig Ferguson: "In Octopussy James Bond went underwater to find the mysterious creature with 8 vaginas." "Stan Lee has a new gay superhero. How's he going to make a buff young man in tights and a cape look gay?" "Andy Rooney turned 90 today. Have you seen his eyebrows? I've seen less hair in a '70's porno!" "The American Idol judges argue as much as the Jonas Brothers after they hit the crack pipe." "My Bloody Valentine is about a bunch of trapped miners. That's why a confused Michael Jackson has seen it three times."

Jay Leno: "I think Michael Jackson's eyes are failing. Today he tried to fondle David Spade." "Regis Philbin has a new cologne. I guess it's for guys who don't want to be 77, but want to smell like they are." "It's Heather Mills' birthday. What do you get the woman who has half of everything?" "Obama says he's shutting down Guantanamo Bay. Bush says that's nothing. He's closed down factories, stores, banks ..." "In the Hudson River those US Air passengers were saved by their life vests -- at least those who had $25. They could have landed in Newark, but said, 'We'll take the river.' You know what caused the crash? The geese were text messaging." "A fertility clinic is paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and men $50 for their sperm. When is this double standard going to end!?" (Bandleader Kevin Eubanks was wearing a Milk baseball cap.)

Jon Stewart: "Suddenly President Bush is doing press as if Jan. 20 is the day his album drops."

Jimmy Kimmel: "In coach the US Air passengers were loaning perfect strangers the $10 life jacket fee." "Bush went shopping with Laura today and actually carried the bag he'll leave Obama holding." "The New Kids on the Block are entertaining on a cruise ship. Look out, Somali pirates! Let's hope they don't 'N Sync." To Dustin Hoffman: "When people recognize you on the street what do they mostly yell at you?" Dustin: "Al Pacino!" Dustin: "In all the movies that are out now, everybody dies. Except Hitler."

 

Week Three

Jay Leno: "Barbara Walters wanted the heroic US Air pilot on The View, but he said he only does air crashes, not train wrecks." "The economy's so bad that today Heather Mills hit on Ringo." "Scientists are developing a cloak that bends light to make you invisible -- like being an actress over 40 in Hollywood." "At China's new Disneyland, Pluto will be Mickey Mouse's dog and the most popular item on the menu." "Kendra admitted she sneaked out of the Playboy Mansion to have sex. The other two sneaked out to avoid it." "Did you see the Inauguration? I hope Conan and I can transfer the power that smoothly." "There are only three things you can see from space: The Grand Canyon, The Great Wall, and Aretha Franklin's hat." (Jay showed a photo of Osama bin Laden wearing Aretha's hat.) "Now that Barack is President, Michael Jackson's thinking of becoming black again." "With Barack Obama becoming President and peanut products being recalled, it's mixed emotions for George Washington Carver." "Sharks were spotted in the Hudson River today, but they turned out to be lawyers circling the plane wreck." "A Cosmo poll found 63% of men would be turned off if a woman had plastic surgery, especially penis enlargement surgery." "Word is that Caroline Kennedy dropped out because of marital problems. How bad do they have to be to prevent you from replacing Hillary?" Jay to Bush impersonator: "Are you having trouble sleeping? Impersonator: "No, I'm like most Americans. I sleep better knowing I'm not President anymore." Jay: "Osama bin Laden, how hard can it be to find one man?" Impersonator: "Ask Condi Rice." Headlines: "Mice suspected of sparking blaze that killed 100 cats."

Craig Ferguson: "In Washington tonight big balls are being held in every nook and cranny." "Those husky young Secret Service agents shouldn't have let an elderly departing Vice President lift a torture rack all by himself." "The Razzies big winner was Mike Myers. I only saw six minutes of The Love Guru before I had to leave to do something more fun, like getting my genitals caught in a zipper. Luckily it wasn't my zipper." "Tomorrow Obama will be in his new home at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue." Tim Meadows: "Don't give out the address! What if someone is accidentally watching your show?"

The Daily Show called the Inauguration "Rebirth of a Nation: A Night of History and Balls." Jon Stewart asked his guest, gay bishop Gene Robinson how he made his way through the crowd, since a bishop can only move sideways. Robinson: "There was also a Queen on the board."

Stephen Colbert: "Today ushered in a time when men of different colors and backgrounds can come together and get married." "Tonight I profile the head of the NAACP, but not racially."

Conan O'Brien" "With the wind chill factor, President Bush's approval rating was minus 13." "In San Francisco someone replaced all the Bush Street signs with Obama Street signs. Of course in San Francisco all streets go both ways." "The Oscar nominations came out and the cast has signed to do the next Sex and the City. It's a great day to be gay."

The Soup had a clip of a psychologist saying Barack and Michelle Obama "do a lot of hugging, kissing, even fisting." The interviewer quickly clarified that they bump fists together. Joel McHale: "Cher has been cast as a cougar. The younger man hasn't been chosen yet, but feelers are out to Sean Connery."

Mike Berbiglia on Comedy Central: "Sex is like pizza. When it's good it's great. When it's not good you get it on your shirt."

 

Week Four

The Daily Show titled the Rod Blagojevich story "Scumdog Million-Hairs" and a White House story "Big Bama's House." Jon Stewart said we're going to turn Guantanamo into "a heavily gated retirement community." Stephen Colbert titled the story "Git-No."

Dave Letterman: "Miss America has to win the talent, swimsuit and evening gown competitions. It's the same way John McCain picks a running mate." "President Bush is enjoying his retirement. Maybe not as much as we are." "The Obama kids love living in the White House, except sometimes at midnight when they hear creepy organ music seeping up from Dick Cheney's dungeon." "Hillary was sworn in on the Clinton family Bible. Bill had removed four Commandments." "They're closing Gitmo. You know the economy's bad when even the terrorists are being laid off." "This woman had eight babies. Of course, now she's moving to a much bigger shoe." "An 111-year-old reptile just became a father. You try to finish that joke without mentioning Larry King." "Bernie Madoff's under house arrest, so today he had to trick the doorman into giving him two tens for a five." "Benjamin Button starts out old and ends up as a baby who's adopted by Angelina Jolie." "In Detroit motorists can be fined $600 for not stopping in the name of love." Dave asked an audience member who directs children's theater, "At that age is it too early to tell who might be homosexual?"

Jay Leno: "It's Chinese New Year. Their resolution is to get the lead out." "I was disappointed with the outcome of the fight between Jose Conseco and Danny Bonaduce. They both survived." Jay showed a clip of a male dog trying to have sex with a duck. "Once you go quack you'll never go back." Headlines: ad for "Dude Ranch: Scenic Horeback Rides." Grocery ad for "Campbell's Microwavable Bowels."

Jimmy Kimmel: "A woman delivered eight babies in five minutes. She's not a mother, she's a pitching machine." "It's Oprah's birthday, and I feel sorry for Steadman. What do you give a woman who has her own President? You can't just give her a mix tape."

Conan O'Brien: "Viagra profits are down 90%. The president of the company said, 'Honest, this has never happened before.'" Guest Mike Birbiglia: "I watch The View on YouTube when it goes off the rails, but my mother watches it every day."

Craig Fergusen: "NBC won't air the PETA commercial of hot women getting it on with vegetables. If you want to see that you can peek in Hugh Hefner's windows." "I think it was Aristotle who said we are what we repeatedly do, which in his case was young men." "A pair of shoes worn by Sarah Palin sold for $2,000 on eBay. They do have magical powers. You'll walk into a situation for which you're totally unqualified." "Oprah's 55 today, though her age varies." "Disney is laying off 400 people. They're firing Miley Cyrus but keeping Hannah Montana."

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.



What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Bi llions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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