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Relive History the Fun Way
Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Jay Leno: "Gerald Ford was the only president who never won a presidential election, except George W. Bush." "Michael Jackson came to James Brown's funeral. That must have confused the undertaker." "A 67-year-old woman in Spain gave birth to twins. The good news is, she can push them in a stroller and breast feed them at the same time."
Jay Leno Headlines: "Lick for a cure breast
Grocery ad for "Dinty Moore chicken dumpings."
On a menu: "Bowel appetit"
On a medicine label: "Apply twice daily under jugs."
Sports headline: :A's Hole Keeps Getting Deeper."
David Letterman: "Here we drop a ball in Times Square. In Iraq they drop the dictator through the floor."
Conan O'Brien: "Britney Spears passed out New Years in Las Vegas. She said, 'I'm so embarrassed. I'll never show my vagina in this town again."
In the January Nob Hill Gazette, George Christy reports that when Dolly Parton was being honored at the Kennedy Center, "President George W. Bush was astonished at Dolly's tiny waist, and then, gazing at her major upper structure, quipped, 'I guess nothing grows in the shade.'"
On My Name is Earl the gay character lamented, "I should have joined the Navy when I was young and attractive."
Jay Leno: "Nancy Pelosi is the most powerful person in a dress since J. Edgar Hoover."
David Letterman: "You know that stuff that fell out of the sky in New Jersey? Reindeer crap." Also, "The Army is lowering the standards for intelligence and D.U.I. arrests. It's how they filled the job of Commander-in-Chief." And, "There's a rumor that the Egyptian pyramids were made with illegal Mexican labor." On Armed & Famous, the new reality show with Eric Estrada and Jack Osbourne as real cops: "Now you can get arrested by people who can't get arrested." And, "They've finally gotten Rosie to agree to go off steroids."
Craig Ferguson on Lindsay Lohan's appendicitis: "The appendix is useless, and you're only aware of it if it bothers you. It's the K-Fed of organs." On Apple's new product announcements: "Soon you'll be able to download your breakfast, on your iHop." Craig wants to send Rosie and Trump to Iraq.
Comedian Joe DeVito: "The thing about sex with the elderly, don't believe the hype."
Stephen Colbert: The Martyr They Fall: "They executed Saddam Hussein. Now we'll never find those weapons of mass destruction." Stephen called Hussein another "FUSSDIRAG: Formerly U.S. Supported Dictator Internationally Reviled for Acts of Genocide." Also, "Are the red states turning blue, or are they just holding their breath until the Republicans return to power?"
Jon Stewart: "The Iraq war is four years old. Soon it'll be headed off to school. Twenty thousand troops is only a 15% increase. That's not a surge. It's a tip, and a lousy tip at that."
Dave Letterman: "Bush mispronounces 'Shiite,' receives hefty fine from the FCC."
Craig Ferguson claimed "Mini-Me," Vern Troyer, lost at the Little People's Choice Awards, got drunk in Malibu, blamed all the world's troubles on big people and called the arresting officer Sugar Shins.
Amy Pohler on Saturday Night Live reported that James Brown's body still hasn't been buried. "The heirs are fighting over whether to cremate him or sell the body for parts to other sex machines."
Jay Leno: "It was so cold in L.A. last night that Britney Spears' lips turned blue." (She'd been caught pantieless several times recently.) "The cold did make the Golden Globes red carpet more fun to watch. It was Nipplepalooza." On David Beckham: "It's not fair for a British player to come to L.A. and take a job away from a Mexican soccer player." On the first test tube baby giving birth: "She got pregnant the old fashioned way, by accident." And on a female orgasm contest: "It's called Squeal or No Squeal."
Craig Ferguson: "To me krumping sounds like an angry bowel movement." Craig claimed he bought a pair of Whitney Houston's panties at auction. "They cost a fortune and smelled like crack."
Jimmy Kimmel to Rupert Everett: "You dated both Susan Sarandon and Sir Ian McKellan, so you definitely have a type."
Craig Ferguson: "Hugh Heffner is 80 and wants to have another kid. That'll be awkward when he's 100 and dating her friends."
Conan O'Brien: "George Herbert Walker Bush is going to celebrate his 85th birthday by jumping out of a plane. That day there'll be two Bushes in free fall." "We know Britney Spears is pregnant, because she was getting out of a car and her cervix was dilated."
Jay Leno: "Paris Hilton sold only 100,000 CDs but 700,000 sex videos. The lesson is clear. If you're going to open your mouth, don't sing."
Jon Stewart: "The State of the Union address matches two bitter rivals, George W. Bush and words."
Dave Letterman: Hillary Clinton would be the first female president, if you don't count James Buchanan."
Jay Leno Headlines: "Mrs. Paul's Dreaded Fish Sticks."
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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.
What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all?Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007
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