February Strangies: Letterman 6, Fallon 4, Leno 4, Ferguson 2, Kimmel 2, O'Brien 2

Monday, February 28

10. Craig Ferguson: But we get so caught up in the hosting and who's wearing what that we forget what the Oscars are all about, and that's boosting DVD sales.

9. Jimmy Fallon: NASCAR winner Tony Stewart is going to drive a cab for charity in Las Vegas this weekend. He's expected to do fine, unless he has to turn right.

8. Jimmy Fallon: A study said that a small nuclear war could actually reverse the effects of global warming. That certainly sounds easier than sorting my garbage.

7. Jimmy Kimmel: Bachelor Brad is down to 3 concubines, and he invited all of them to spend the night with him in the Fantasy Suite. Smoke 'em while you've got 'em, I guess.

6. David Letterman: The Oscars were so dull they're actually thinking of bringing ME back.

5. Conan O'Brien: There's no transition into my next topic. The last veteran of World War I has died at the age of 110. His last words were, "James Franco's high."

4. Jimmy Kimmel: The only tension at the Oscars was whether James Franco would be able to read the bottom line of the eye chart he kept squinting at all night.

3. David Letterman: My favorite part of the Academy Awards is the Dead Actor Montage. I always watch to see if they've sneaked me in.

2. Stephen Colbert: "The King's Speech" Best Picture? They didn't even cure him. At the end he still had that debilitating English accent.

1. David Letterman: Here's the Charlie Sheen career recap. Accidentally shoots his then-fiance Kelly Preston. Not a problem. Threatens to kill his 1st wife. Not a problem. Locks an hysterical porn star in the closet of a hotel room he's trashed. Not a problem. Makes fun of his producers. He's fired!

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 15 - If you do not yet know who the Nac Mc Feegles are: 1) Be grateful for your uneventful life; and 2) Be prepared to beat a retreat if you hear anyone about as high as your ankle shout "Crivens!" They are, strictly speaking, one of the faerie folk, but it is probably not a good idea to tell them this is you are looking forward to a future in which you still have your teeth.

16 - There he was, sitting on her shoulder. She could smell him. Despite the fact that they generally had little to do with bathing, except when it rained, the Nac Mac Feegles always smelled something like slightly drunk potatoes.

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Oscar Sunday, February 27

Anne Hathaway to James Franco: And you're looking very appealing to a younger demographic yourself, James.

Can you say glamor? Can you say glitz? Colin Firth couldn't and he got an Oscar for it.

The Oscars weren't suspenseful except for Kirk Douglas. He intentionally delayed announcing Best Supporting Actress. He combined the suspense of Ryan Seacrest with the delivery of Dick Clark.

Some people though Christian Bale forgot his wife's name, but he just got a little choked up and emotional because somebody moved a light.

It was the first time a man and a woman hosted together. It was Hollywood's liberal establishment trying to force their liberal sexual agenda down our throats.

James Franco was nominated for "127 Hours," his portrayal of the true story of the time Charlie Sheen got stuck under a huge rock of cocaine.

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Craig Ferguson on how to quit smoking: Stop putting them in your mouth and lighting them.

Cloris Leachman: We both needed me inside him.

JImmy Fallon: Thank you, Charlie Sheen, for going Two and a Half Mental.

David Letterman: 7 Oscars have been used as murder weapons. Marlon Brando ate both of his Oscars. To accept his Oscar Wallace Beery was carried onstage in a giant egg.

Dave Letterman guest Jeff Altman: I had to take a bus in from the airport. I'd never driven a bus before.Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson were live.)

Friday, February 25
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson were live.)

10. Craig Ferguson: "The King's Speech" isn't about Larry King who farts when he talks. It's about the King of England who had a speech impediment. You can't make fun of people with speech impediments anymore. Not since Elmer Fudd got his shotgun.

9. Craig Ferguson: England has a Queen, four Princes and a gorgeous Princess, David Beckham.

8. Jimmy Fallon: A store in London is selling ice cream made from human breast milk. [Crowd groans.] I know. That's how cows feel about regular ice cream. "Are you serious? I'd never eat that. That's udderly ridiculous. Please mooove it away from me." The ice cream comes in three sized: small, medium and Jwoww.

7. Jimmy Fallon: A man in Florida who was arrested this week listed his religion as Redneck. He even recited a prayer in the name of The Father Who's Also the Sister's Half-Cousin.

6. Craig Ferguson: Justin Bieber said he was spending his 17th birthday "sharing cheesecake with my Grandma." These kids today. It's impossible to keep up with their slang for sexual acts. Let's give the censor a minute.

5. Jimmy Fallon: A woman here in New York celebrated her 105th birthday by gambling in a casino. It was a little different from the way she usually gambles. By going to sleep.

4. Jay Leno: Sarah Palin is going to India to make a speech. She's hoping to visit some of those Indian casinos she's heard so much about.

3. Jimmy Fallon: There's a casting change for 2011. The role of Mel Gibson will now be played by Charlie Sheen.

2. David Letterman: One of this year's Best Picture nominees is "127 Hours." It's about last year's Academy Awards show. The Oscars are a lot like Jet Blue. You sit there for four and a half hours hoping the thing takes off.

1. Jay Leno: In Beverly Hills gas stations are selling by the gram. In Vegas gas is so expensive guys are hiring hookers just to siphon. Overnight, gas prices went up six and a half cents, and CBS went down "Two and a Half Men."

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1  2010

Page 209 - My parents removed to Missouri in the early thirties; I do not remember just when, for I was not born then, and cared nothing for such things.

Recently someone in Missouri has sent me a picture of the house I was born in. Heretofore I have always stated that it was a palace, but I shall be more guarded, now. I remember only one circumstance connected with my life in it. I remember it very well, though I was but two and a half years old at the time. The family packed up everything and started in wagons for Hannibal, on the Mississippi, thirty miles away. Toward night, when they camped and counted up the children, one was missing. I was the one. I had been left behind. Parents ought always to count the children before they start. I was having a good enough time playing by myself until I found that the doors were fastened and that there was a grisly deep silence brooding over the place. I knew, then, that the family were gone, and that they had forgotten me. I was well frightened, and I made all the noise I could, but no one was near and it did no good. I spent the afternoon in captivity and was not rescued till the gloaming had fallen and the place was alive with ghosts.

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Thursday, February 24

10. Jimmy Fallon: Sarah Palin is going to a political conference in India next month. She says she's loved India ever since she saw "Hoosiers."

9. Craig Ferguson: The shuttle has flown 143 million miles.  It's the number of frequent flier miles you'd need to get you from L.A. to Reno. Discovery put up the Hubble Telescope and the probe that's investigated the sun for 18 years. I wonder how long before we can send a probe to Uranus.

8. Conan O'Brien: Today Khadafy described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. Immediately after the speech Khadafy was given his own show on Fox News.

7. Jay Leno: A man in Pennsylvania wrapped up like a mummy robbed a convenience store. Police say they're looking for a man between 19 and 5,000.

6. Craig Ferguson: Discovery was supposed to go to the International Space Station last November, but she wasn't ready. I say "she" because that's the way you refer to ships, and also because it took her forever to get ready. I look forward to your outraged blog.

5. Conan O'Brien: The White House is considering supporting same sex marriage. Experts are attributing the change to shifting public attitudes, recent court cases, and the President catching a recent episode of "Glee."

4. Jay Leno: Moammar Khadafy now controls only a small part of Libya. It's like being Mayor of Detroit. Moammar's getting desperate. First he blamed the uprising on drugs, then on Al Qaeda. Today he blamed it all on the teachers' union.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: Natalie Portman is favored to win Best Actress, and I'm a little worried about her. Since 2010 the husband of every Best Actress winner has cheated on her with a tattooed Nazi stripper.

2. Jimmy Fallon: An artist has created a video game that can only be controlled by French kissing. That's gotta be awkward when you invite your buddy over to play video games. "Where's the controller?" "It's right here. Mmm mmm." "How the hell did this happen? Let's never speak of this."

1. David Letterman: On "American Idol" Jennifer Lopez broke down crying and said, "I can't do this anymore." That's the same thing I say every night. And they were real tears. Some people thought they were fake, but I said, "No, she can't act."

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 42 - Women housed reproductive systems where young people just starting out in life could crash for the better part of a year while getting themselves together. Women also had breasts, a pair of fatty spheres that gave infants the means to live, and adult men a reason to.

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Wednesday, February 23

10. Craig Ferguson: All these regimes are toppling, and today the King of Saudi Arabia announced a $37 billion handout to his people, and I thought, "Now there's a coincidence."

9. Jimmy Fallon: China is building a theme park based on "The World of Warcraft." Gamers are already complaining about the park's location: out of doors. "Is it safe to breathe? What's that big light?" Each roller coaster has a sign that says, "You must be this single to go on this ride."

8. Jay Leno: All over the world aging dictators who've been in power for decades are feeling the heat. Over at the Playboy Mansion Hugh Hefner had to turn a water cannon on Playmates who were calling for his ouster.

7. Conan O'Brien: George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.

6. Conan O'Brien: A Japanese company has developed a wristwatch-like device that monitors the health of seniors. It's a big improvement over their current device, a countdown clock.

5. David Letterman: Someone in Oklahoma shoplifted a chain saw in their pants. Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay.

4. Jay Leno: A Delta flight had to make an emergency landing after an engine just disintegrated. It was so frightening each passenger was later assessed a $15 seat-cleaning fee.

3. Jay Leno: Loew's Hotels announced they're installing toilets powerful enough to flush 10 golf balls. If they need toilets like that they don't need new plumbing. They need a new chef. "Don't order the meatloaf."

2. Jimmy Fallon: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada.  Prostitutes say they're not going to take this lying down. For less than $50 bucks an hour.

1. Jay Leno: There's a ballot proposition in San Francisco to ban circumcision. A poll shows 100% of newborn males support the ban.

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 8 - Every family, even up in the mountains, kept at least one pig to act as a garbage can in the summer and as pork, bacon, ham, and sausages during the rest of the year.

11 - The forget-me-lots is a pretty red-and-white flower usually given by young ladies to signal to their young men that they never want to see them again ever, or at least until they've learned to wash properly and gotten a job.

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Tuesday, February 22

10. David Letterman: KFC is changing their slogan from "Finger lickin' good" to "Artery clogging good." They change their slogan every 50 years, just like their fryer oil.

9. Conan O'Brien: In order to acknowledge gay members Facebook added two new relationship options: "In a civil union" and "In a domestic partnership." Then, to make sure they didn't miss anyone, they added "One time in college."

8. Jay Leno: In honor of the revolution a couple in Egypt have named their newborn daughter Facebook. Hope they don't start ignoring their son MySpace. It's going to cause a lot of problems when that girl turns 16 and all the boys want to be on Facebook.

7. Jimmy Fallon: Police arrested someone at the "Today Show" after she jumped over a guard rail and started speaking incoherently. Then Hoda said, "Let her go. She's my co-host. Come on, follow the white wine."

6. Craig Ferguson: The movie "Chicago" had Richard Gere. I had no idea he was such a good dancer. It was almost as though he was trying to shake something out of him.

5. Jimmy Fallon: The New York Knicks acquired Carmelo Anthony from Denver in exchange for 9 players. That explains their new name, the New York Knick.

4. Jimmy Kimmel: Russ Limbaugh criticized Michelle Obama for eating ribs on vacation and said she isn't following her own dietary guidelines. Well, isn't that the morbidly obese pot calling the kettle African-American? Limbaugh would eat his own ribs if you'd put sauce on them.

3. Jay Leno: New York Mayor Bloomberg said we need immigration reform so more supermodels can come into this country. We need these foreign models because they're willing to do the rich, wrinkled old men our own models won't do.

2. Jay Leno: Moammar Khadafy was on TV, angry and defiant, and nobody has seen him since. Sort of like Keith Olbermann.

1. Conan O'Brien: According to the Census Bureau, New York's famous Little Italy is now home to zero Italians. So by law the neighborhood is now ready for an Olive Garden.

Damage by John Lescroart, Dutton 2011

San Francisco head of homicide Abe Glitsky has to go up against the richest and most ruthless family in San Francisco to prove that their son raped and murdered several women. Spellbinding with a great ending.

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Monday, February 21
(Leno, Kimmel & Fallon were in reruns for Presidents Day.)

10. David Letterman: Even with warm spells all the snow doesn't melt, so you shovel and shovel and then there on your porch you find a Jehovah's Witness. I hate that.

9. Conan O'Brien: President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.

8. Conan O'Brien: In Havana over 6 million people attended the international book fair. As usual the most popular title was "How to Build a Raft Out of This Book."

7. Craig Ferguson: President Taft was so fat that before he was elected to the Oval Office it was square.

6. David Letterman: Top 10 little known facts about U.S. Presidents: 9. Teddy Roosevelt answered the phone "Helloosevelt." 2. Our only unmarried President, James Buchanan, was fond of posing as his own First Lady.

5. Stephen Colbert: In Libya this could be the end for strongman and exhausted Lionel Ritchie impersonator Moammar Khadafy. With any luck we'll get to see citizens storm the Palace and Moammar's posse of 40 to 50 female bodyguards defend him. That news footage will be golden. The menacing click-clack of razor-sharp 5-inch stiletto heels. Choreographed waves of 6-foot amazons spin-kicking protesters in the jaw. It'll be like a Janet Jackson video.

4. Craig Ferguson: Every year we all have to watch a sexual harassment video, and then I have to listen to a lawyer tell me how to behave honorably. A LAWYER!

3. Conan O'Brien: Happy Presidents Day, or as it seems to be in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day.

2. Conan O'Brien: At the Daytona 500 Trevor Bayne, 20, became the youngest person ever to win. Even more incredible, he was texting the whole time.

1. David Letterman: All over the world there are uprisings against ruthless dictators who've abused their power. The one who should be really worried right now is Leno.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1  2010

Page 206 - There their [his parents'] first crop of children was born, but as I was of a later vintage I do not remember anything about it. I was postponed -- postponed to Missouri. Missouri was an unknown new State and needed attractions.

The oil was not discovered until about 1895. I wish I owned a couple acres of the land now. In which case I would not be writing Autobiographies for a living.

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Friday, February 18
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson were live.)

10. Jay Leno: On a Delta flight a woman stripped completely naked and had to be restrained by the flight attendants. Passengers wanted her covered with a blanket, but nobody had the $7.

9. Craig Ferguson: Justin Bieber has millions of fans and has a haircut that's very hard to duplicate no matter how hard I try. Justin is where the Beatles were in 1964. Maybe he should go to India and find a guru. "Never mind wearing your baseball cap backwards. You just look like you're leaving." Or maybe he should go through an Elvis period, get fat and make some bad movies. "Baby, baby, baby, baby back ribs."

8. Jimmy Fallon: The Kardashians made $65 million last year. Which just shows that hard work and focus ... are not necessary to make a pile of money. It's $13 million a cheek.

7. Craig Ferguson: Radiohead's new album comes out tomorrow. They're the band who did the song "Creep," the anthem of the National Lawyers Association.

6. Jay Leno: Last night in San Francisco President Obama had dinner with some of the top tech executives: the CEO of Facebook, the CEO of Apple, the CEO of Oracle, and their waiter, the CEO of MySpace.

5. Jimmy Fallon: Hillary Clinton says she tries not to miss "Grey's Anatomy." Bill said, "I watched it once. Not enough anatomy."

4. Jay Leno: Liam Neeson opens today in a movie where he wakes up and his wife acts like she doesn't know him. Turns out he forgot Valentine's Day.

3. Jay Leno: In the Mid-East Muslims are getting in fights with their former supporters. The Shiites are hitting their fans.

2. Jimmy Fallon: A New Jersey woman gave birth yesterday while her cab was stuck in the Lincoln Tunnel. The poor baby went, "Well, I'm finally out of that tunnel. Oh no, another tunnel?"

1. David Letterman: Yoko Ono is 78 today. She celebrated by breaking up the Jonas Brothers.

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 4 - Tiffany hadn't had a kiss, but after all, she was THE WITCH. Who knew what they might get turned into?

5 - And all those things that make people touch wood and never, ever walk under a black cat.

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Thursday, February 17

10. Conan O'Brien: In Ohio a man is being called the Amish Bernie Madoff for swindling Amish families out of millions of dollars. People became suspicious when they noticed his horse pulling a Lamborghini.

9. Jay Leno: A Florida inmate had these items hidden in his rectum: 7 pills, a cigarette, 6 matches, a syringe with a needle on it, a tube of lip balm, a condom and a CVS drugstore receipt. You talk about junk in your trunk! Here's my question. Who saves a CVS receipt? You're probably going to need it when you return that lip balm.

8. David Letterman: Paris Hilton is on our show celebrating her 30th birthday. Lindsay Lohan gave her a lovely necklace to hold til the heat dies down. You remember Madonna came on our show to celebrate when she turned 70.

7. David Letterman: The murder rate in New York is up. Looks like the recession is over. What happened is, all the snow this winter finally melted. They found 200 bodies.

6. Jimmy Fallon: New York has gone 14 days without snow. Kids are back to making good old-fashioned garbage angels.

5. Craig Ferguson: "Jeopardy" gave the computer a million bucks for winning, and it spent it the only way it knows how, on hookers, blow and motor oil. Soon it'll be on "Two and a Half Men."

4. Jimmy Fallon: Paris Hilton is releasing a new album. Man, I can wait to hear that.

3. Jay Leno: A woman in England has a rare condition where she has an orgasm every time she eats junk food. Talk about a happy meal! Her favorite place to eat? In-N-Out.

2. Conan O'Brien: Today is Paris Hilton's 30th birthday, but she says she still looks like she's 20. Then her gynecologist popped his head up and said, "Not down here you don't." I probably shouldn't have acted that one out.

1. David Letterman: Now Charlie Sheen's giving advice to Lindsay Lohan. That's like Lindsay Lohan giving advice to Charlie Sheen.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 42 - Only one sperm was needed for reproduction. But just to be safe, men produced 525 billion of them in their testicles over the course of a lifetime. The lucky few got to fertilize a female's eggs after they were ejaculated during intercourse. As for the fate of the other sperm, a UV light shined over everything we ever owned will reveal the horrifying truth.

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Wednesday, February 16

10. David Letterman: Did you see when Hosni Mubarak was leaving Egypt? He went out in a giant plastic egg.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: Steven Tyler's been evaluating the female contestants like he's in the waiting room at the Mustang Ranch.

8. David Letterman: Last year Lady Gaga wore a meat dress. At the Grammys she showed up in an egg. Today her doctor told her to get a lower-cholesterol wardrobe.

7. Conan O'Brien: A veteran San Diego weatherman has pled guilty to charges of masturbating in public. He called it "precipitation caused by a high-pressure buildup."

6. Jimmy Kimmel: Justin Bieber said the Canadian health care system is much better than ours. You know, Justin, if you want our health system to be more affordable, maybe you should stop promoting baby, baby, babies all the time.

5. Jay Leno: Watson the computer is crushing its human opponents on "Jeopardy." This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

4. Jimmy Fallon: Watson the computer beat the human contestants by a large margin on "Jeopardy." He's becoming really famous. Today he was offered a million dollars to pose nude for "Popular Mechanics."

3. Jay Leno: On a Delta flight a woman stripped completely naked and had to be restrained by flight attendants. Delta immediately charged all the other passengers a $15 adult entertainment fee.

2. Craig Ferguson: It's Fashion Week in New York, which is like Shark Week for gay dudes.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Charlie Sheen said Lindsay Lohan should work on her impulse control. That's like the pot calling the kettle to buy pot.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1  2010

Page 191 - I barked at audiences all about India for six weeks, then the cough expired by statute of limitations.

205 - Jere Clemens had a wide reputation as a good pistol-shot, and once it enabled him to get on the friendly side of some drummers when they would not have paid any attention to mere smooth words and arguments. He was out stumping the state at the time. The drummers were grouped in front of the stand, and had been hired by the opposition to drum while he made his speech. When he was ready to begin, he got out his revolver and laid it before him, and said in his soft, silky way --

"I do not wish to hurt anybody, and shall try not to; but I have got just a bullet apiece for those six drums, and if you should want to play them, don't stand behind them.

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Tuesday, February 15

10. Jimmy Fallon: The population of monarch butterflies more than doubled this winter. Or tripled if you're counting lower-back tattoos.

9. David Letterman: They say Hosni Mubarak didn't understand social networking, didn't understand the internet. He knew enough to wire $80 billion to Switzerland.

8. Jimmy Fallon: Drugstore in New York have begun selling do-it-yourself paternity kits, also known as Maury the Home Game.

7. David Letterman: The Westminster Kennel Club show is at Madison Square Garden. It's crazy down there; a 20-minute wait for a hydrant.

6. Conan O'Brien: Hundreds of thousands of people took to the streets in Iran. The protests were sparked by the events in Egypt and by Justin Bieber getting robbed at the Grammys. Those 11-year-old Iranian girls are pissed.

5. Jay Leno: Charlie Sheen says he's willing to work nights and weekends to finish this year's schedule of his show. Where does he get the energy?

4. Jon Stewart: It's the 32nd anniversary of the Iranian revolution. If you're thinking of getting them something, I believe the 32nd is the enriched uranium anniversary. You can find some at Mislabeled Crate & Barrel.

3. Jay Leno: Facebook is looking to buy Twitter for $10 billion. They hope to combine the two companies to create the greatest waste of time the world has ever known.

2. Stephen Colbert: The Italian Prime Minister is accused of having sex with an underage 17-year-old girl, or as it's known in Italy, al dente.

1. Jimmy Kimmel: First of all, the dogs at the Westminster Show are being objectified. They're being paraded around like they're a bunch of human women, which isn't right.

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 3 - She was the witch. For all the villages along the Chalk, she was the witch. Not just for her own village anymore but for all the other ones as far away as Ham-on-Rye.

Admittedly, the scouring fair was only one of the world's most wonderful attractions if you didn't usually ever travel more than about four miles from home.

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Monday, February 14

10. David Letterman: Barbra Streisand was at the Grammys. She sang the love theme from "The Fockers."

9. David Letterman:  At the Grammys they carried Lady Gaga in in a giant egg. It was a plastic egg that formerly contained Kirstie Alley's pantyhose.

8. Conan O'Brien: At a Conservative convention this weekend a Sarah Palin impersonator drew a bigger crowd than the real Mitt Romney. On the bright side the fake Sarah Palin has some pretty good ideas.

7. Jimmy Kimmel: Esperenza Spalding beat Justin Bieber for Best New Artist, so she was immediately whisked away and put into the witness protection program for her own safety. Bieber fans are absolutely furious, and it does seem odd that the Grammy people would pick this one category to suddenly start taking talent into consideration.

6. Craig Ferguson: Lady Gaga was carried into the Grammys last night inside a giant egg. It got really awkward when Mick Jagger tried to fertilize it.

5. Jimmy Fallon: Borders Books will reportedly file for bankruptcy this week. This is very bad news for their most dedicated clientele, people who have to go to the bathroom.

4. Jimmy Kimmel: And the Valentine's prices! It's $120 for a dozen roses. That's an awful lot for a plant you can't smoke. Chocolate suddenly becomes very expensive. This Russell Stover guy needs to be locked up with Bernie Madoff.

3. Jay Leno: A San Diego man had two of his toes chewed off by his dogs. Good thing they weren't lap dogs.

2. Jimmy Fallon: Egyptian officials say Hosni Mubarak is going through a severe psychological condition. Yeah, it's called getting dumped right before Valentine's Day.

1. Craig Ferguson: In Egypt it was the first weekend without Hosni Mubarak, who had to step down because of the sexy picture of him on the internet. Let's see the picture. Oh, Cleofatra. Nice tuts.

SNL: Seth Meyers & Stefon Valentine's Day (The ending is really good.)

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SNL: Seth Meyers Weekend Update Faves

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Friday, February 11
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson were live.)

10. Craig Ferguson: You know who the Justin Bieber movie hurts the most, though, the Jonas Brothers. Completely forgotten. "We wore purity rings and remained virgins for nothing!" That's right, Jonas Brothers, those purity rings turned out to be obscurity rings.

9. Jay Leno: Paris Hilton is freaking out about turning 30. In fact, she called a friend to wail, "What comes after 30?"

8. David Letterman: Top 10 restaurants that still have reservations for Valentine's Day:
10 Chuck E. Sheen's
9. They Might Be Clams
8. Outbreak Steakhouse
5. Squirrel Fil-A
3. Tavern on the Gangrene

7. Jay Leno: "The King's Speech" is the top contender for the Best Picture Oscar. It's so successful they're already working on the sequel, where Geoffrey Rush teaches Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem.

6. Jimmy Fallon: I don't know what to think. On the one hand, some people say Egypt will never become a democracy. On the other hand, Justin Bieber says never say never.

5. Jay Leno: What got Egyptian President Mubarak really mad was that he was forced to resign while the coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers still has a job.

4. David Letterman: Now the Westminster Dog Show is in town. Between that and Fashion Week we've got bitches coming and going.

3. Jay Leno: Lindsay Lohan could get 3 years in prison, so her attorney is trying to work out a plea bargain where instead of jail she could just go straight to DVD.

2. Jimmy Fallon: The Grammys are Sunday night. I'm calling it for Best Original Lyrics: Christina Aguilera.

1. Craig Ferguson: Justin Bieber is Canadian. And so is Celine Dion. And so is William Shatner. Which is causing me to wonder, are we guarding the wrong border? Maybe we need two fences.

Sherlock Holmes: The Hidden Years, Edited by Michael Kurland, St. Martin's Minotaur 2004

Short stories by various authors telling the adventures of Sherlock Holmes between his supposed death at Reichenbeck Falls and his reappearance a few years later. The story set in San Francisco, "The Bughouse Caper," is especially good

184 - Smartly dressed young women paraded along Market Street during the evening hours, not a few of them wearing violets pinned to their jackets and bright-colored feather boas around their necks that announced them to those in the know as sporting ladies. Men of all ages lounged in front of cigar stores and saloons, engaged in a pastime known as "stacking the mash": ogling and flirting with parading ladies of both easy and well-guarded virtue.

Parlor houses also flourished there, so openly that the reform element had begun to mount a serious cleanup campaign. The most notorious was the one operated by Miss Bessie Hall, the "Queen of O"Farrell Street," all of whose girls were said to be blond and possessed of rare talents in the practice of their trade. Lettie Carew and her Fiddle Dee Dee were among the second rank of Bessie's rivals, specializing in ladies of other cultures and different hues ...

Above him, as he strolled along the wooden sidewalk, sundry flounced undergarments clung to telephone wires, another form of advertisement tossed out by the inhabitants of the shuttered houses along the route. This, too, had scandalized and provoked the reformers.

185 - [In a parlor house] There was also a handful of framed mottoes, one of which read: "If every man was as true to his country as he is to his wife -- God help the U.S.A."

Thursday, February 10

10. Jimmy Kimmel: Speaking of exposed genitalia, a new episode of "Jersey Shore" tonight. Ronnie and Sammi broke up. She even gave him back his promise syringe. I love watching these kids share their hopes, their dreams, their STDs. Mostly their STDs.

9. David Letterman: Married Republican Congressman Chris Lee was sending women on Craigslist shirtless pictures of himself. The scandal broke at 2:00; by 6:30 he was gone. Who says Congress can't get anything done? He was sending shirtless pictures of himself. I think that's the same reason Regis Philbin is stepping down.

8. David Letterman: Tomorrow the Justin Bieber movie opens. I'm there. The name of the movie is "Bieber Las Vegas." Justin plays a singing race car driver named Lucky. Justin's next movie will be "Meet the Biebers."

7. Conan O'Brien: A North Carolina legislator wants to ban prison inmates from being on Facebook. One prisoner replied, "They can take away our Facebook, but they can't stop us from poking each other."

6. Jay Leno: A great episode of "The Biggest Losers" was on last night, the Cleveland Cavaliers. They've lost 26 games in a row. And today one player failed the drug test. Couldn't hit the cup. And the fans tried to do the wave. Ten people drowned.

5. Craig Ferguson: The Egyptian President is still refusing to leave. they're calling him "The Leno of the Nile."

4. Jimmy Fallon: This is the start of New York's Fashion Week. I just talked with N.Y. Congressman Chris Lee, and the told me shirts are totally out this season. He was married and looking for dates on Craigslist by sending shirtless photos of himself. He listed his marital status as divorced. But in fairness, he's about to be.

3.Jimmy Fallon: A 90-year-old woman in England is the world's oldest yoga instructor. She's really flexible. In fact, she can bend all the way down and touch her boobs.

2. Jay Leno: Egyptian President Mubarak says he is not stepping down. He says he's going to do rehab at home.

1. Conan O'Brien: Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he DID surprise his wife for Valentines Day.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 42 - Only one sperm was needed for reproduction. But just to be safe, men produced 525 billion of them in their testicles over the course of a lifetime. The lucky few got to fertilize a female's eggs after they were ejaculated during intercourse. As for the fate of the other sperm, a UV light shined over everything we ever owned will reveal the horrifying truth.

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Wednesday, February 9

10. Craig Ferguson: G.I. Joe was created on this day in 1964, so tonight G.I. Joe's going out with Ken to celebrate his birthday and the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

9. Conan O'Brien: The demonstrations are getting bigger in Cairo. The Egyptian government tried to disperse the crowd with tear gas, and when that didn't work, a Black Eyed Peas halftime show.

8. David Letterman: On this stage on this date in 1964 The Beatles first appeared on "The Ed Sullivan Show." Now look what you get.

7. Conan O'Brien: Over 83% of prostitutes have Facebook pages. You can tell which they are because their relationship status is "It's simple."

6. Craig Ferguson: A city in Indiana has decided not to name a center after a former mayor. This may or may not have to do with the fact that his name was Harry Baals. When they reached his family for comment, apparently they got pretty testy. They said the policy was nuts. Someone should get sacked.

5. Jimmy Fallon: A woman who bought a cartoon DVD was shocked to find it contained a porn flick called "Bubble Butt Bonanza 17." Meanwhile, the man who bought "Bubble Butt Bonanza 17" went, "Whoa! This is nothing like 'Bubble Butt Bonanza 16.'"

5. Craig Ferguson: The flu always rears its ugly head this time of year. It's like Ashton Kutcher movies. This is the worst flu season in years. In Chicago it's so bad that Oprah has been wiping her nose on her half-sister.

4. Craig Ferguson: You should get a flu shot. There's a tiny bit of the virus and this keeps you from getting it later. I don't understand it either. I guess the vaccine activates the body's sense of irony. The ironic thing about irony is that nobody knows what it is.

3. Jimmy Fallon: Michelle Obama called the Bush twins magnificent and Chelsea Clinton a solid young woman. The only President's kid she didn't compliment was George Bush Sr's.

2. Jay Leno: The Catholic Church has approved an app that let's you confess on your iPhone. You can now cheat and atone right on the same device. Perfect for Brett Favre. The actual name for this app is "Priest in your pocket." Don't they read the paper? Couldn't they come up with a better name?

1. Jay Leno: President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.

The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1  2010

Page 186 - Man thinks he is not a fiend. It is because he has not examined the Westminster Catechism which he invented. He and the polecat -- But it is not fair to class them together, the polecat has not invented a Westminster Catechism.

190 - I resolved that I would never again sit in the Sunday school that he superintended, and I have kept my word to this day. However, I was never in it anyway.

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Tuesday, February 8

10. Craig Ferguson: These high-speed trains are going to be the most popular rides in California since the Kardashians. The plan is to run trains from San Diego to San Francisco, which is great if you're a gay illegal immigrant. You could sneak over the border and be in Nob Hill in an hour. You could be in San Francisco in two.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: A tribe on the border of Brazil and Peru had never been contacted, so of course somebody took in long-range cameras to film them. [Showed a film whose narrator said they were at risk for not only violence but germs and viruses from outsiders. A sign said "Bieber Fever."]

8. Jay Leno: Keith Olbermann has a new show on Al Gore's new network. I'm not saying the audience is small, but he begins his show with, Good evening, Al."

7. Craig Ferguson: Critics say high-speed rail can't be done. But in America there's nothing that can't be done. Let me remind you, Snooki wrote a book.

6. Jay Leno: People are talking about the Packer coach's psychological ploy the night before the game. He excused the team from practice to go get fitted for Super Bowl rings. He got them in the mood by measuring them for rings. Same thing Kelsey Grammer does with a girl on the first date.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: The Cleveland Cavaliers broke their own NBA record last night. They've now lost 25 games in a row. The whole team has decided to move to Miami.

4. Conan O'Brien: At a luncheon for Oscar nominees James Franco said filming "127 Hours" caused him extreme physical pain. Then the real guy the movie's based on raised his hook hand and said, "Really?"

3. Jay Leno: Romania has decided to start taxing witches. And Gloria Allred announced she is closing her office in Romania.

2. Conan O'Brien: The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It's also the first app that raises the possibility of butt-dialing God.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Prince William's nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper's g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart explains Earth's history to the aliens who have discovered our ruins.

Page 42 - Reproduction: Like most mammals, humans were made up of two sexes, men and women. This made sexual reproduction possible and eased traffic congestion patterns in public restrooms. Just know that the images of the body parts you are looking at, while natural, are shameful. If we were alive today, we would never allow this type of trash to be sold in any of our finer enormous, low-wage, bulk-sale, discount chain superstores.

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Monday, February 7

10. David Letterman: They wanted the biggest Super Bowl attendance ever, so they put in 400 extra seats. Then the Fire Marshal nixed it, so 400 people with legitimate tickets showed up and couldn't get in. They were furious. It's like you folks.

9. Conan O'Brien: Doctors are saying that sex during pregnancy is almost always safe and enjoyable. Unless you're the baby. Then it's terrifying.

8. Jay Leno: Do you know where Osama bin Laden watched the Super Bowl? In his man cave.

7. Craig Ferguson: Two hours before the game the Fire Marshal said 400 seats were unsafe. These people had tickets. They took time off from work. They waited in line for hours. Then they were told they couldn't get in. Who runs a business like that? Except every airline. Except the ones who advertise on CBS.

6. Jay Leno: Looters damaged a 2,000-year-old mummy in Egypt so badly that it may be impossible to repair. They're so desperate they've flown in Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon.

5. Jimmy Fallon: The Cleveland Cavaliers set a new NBA record by losing 24 games in a row. In fact, their scoreboard now reads "Home" and "Winners."

4. Craig Ferguson: I was going to watch the Super Bowl at the Late-Night Hosts Clubhouse. But last year Jay Leno was looking for something to cut the cake, and Conan said, "Why don't you use the knife you stuck in my back?" Awkward. So I just watched at home this year.

3. Jimmy Fallon: An alligator farm in Florida just installed a zip line visitors can ride above the alligator tanks. It's like the alligator version of a sushi bar with one of those conveyor belts.

2. Jay Leno: The head of Homeland Security told people at the game, if they saw anything not right give them a call. They got 50 million calls as soon as Christina Aguilera started singing the National Anthem. The good news, you can't accuse her of lip syncing.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Mattel is releasing Barbie dolls based on the TV show "Dynasty." So if you like TV shows from the '80s and you still like Barbie dolls, I'm Chris Hansen from "Dateline NBC."

French McDonald's Gay Commercial

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Justin Bieber telling Ozzy Osbourne, "I'll take it from here," was my favorite Super Bowl commercial.

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The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1  2010

Page 183 - But in truth, compliments are sometimes actually GIVEN away, and no bill presented. I know it can occur as much as once in a century, for it has happened once to me, and I am not a century old, yet. It was twenty-nine years ago. I was lecturing in London at the time. I received a most lovely letter, sparkling and glowing with cordial and felicitous praises -- and there was NO NAME SIGNED, AND NO ADDRESS!

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Special Report Saturday Night Live
Saturday, February 5

Seth Meyers Weekend  Update: [On Anderson Cooper getting beaten in Cairo] You cannot punch the handsome off Anderson Cooper.

Seth Meyers: If Charlie Sheen pays the salaries of the crew on his show while he's in rehab, watch out, crew, Charlie expects a lot of crazy things when he's paying you.

Seth Meyers: What Denny's is now is a 24-hour competitive eating Thunderdome.

Seth Meyers: A dog was better at detecting colon cancer than a colonoscopy. The dog commented, "What can I say? I love what I do."

Justin Bieber Restarts Church Lady's Juices. Oh Lordy!

Wayne's World 2011

James Franco on Weekend Update

Justin Bieber & Andy Samberg are Roommates.

Extra: Jay Leno: Steelers and Packers Flirt with Ross Matthews

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Friday, February 4
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson were live.)