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America's Late-Night-TV Zingers, February 2010

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim

Friday, February 26 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "Simon Cowell got down on one knee and told his girlfriend she was the least disgusting woman he knew. I wouldn't want to be the band that plays at that reception."

February wins: Letterman 11, Ferguson 3, Kimmel 3, Fallon 1, Colbert 1, Stewart 1


Monday, February 1 winner: David Letterman: "Chemical Ali got hanged. He's survived by his wife, Chemical Shirley, and his son, Chemical Andy." [Showed a photo of Andy Dick.]

Tuesday, February 2 winner: David Letterman: "CBS rejected a gay dating commercial during the Super Bowl. That seems hypocritical. They ran ads with straight guys during the Tonys."

Wednesday, February 3 winner: Jimmy Fallon: "The top officer in the Navy wants to end 'don't ask, don't tell.' What does the bottom officer think?"

Thursday, February 4 winner: David Letterman: "That young model Jesus has dumped Madonna because she was trying to install a senior grab bar on him."

Friday, February 5 winner: David Letterman: "A guy got on a plane with 44 tranquilized lizards in his underpants. Imagine letting a lizard crawl into your underpants, if you're not Mrs. Larry King."

Monday, February 8 winner: David Letterman, who ended the show by saying, "And once again I'd like to thank the actors who played Jay and Oprah in our Super Bowl commercial."

Tuesday, February 9 winner: Stephen Colbert, who showed an ad "Celebrate Black History Month with Heineken:" "Because without Dutch merchant ships there wouldn't even be African-Americans, just Africans."

Wednesday, February 10 winner: David Letterman: "People are making fun of Sarah Palin for writing crib notes for her speeches on her hand, but I'll tell you, that's how I got through my wedding night."

Thursday, February 11 winner: David Letterman: "Sarah Palin is 46 today. John McCain sent her a Toyota."

Friday, February 12 winner: David Letterman: "At the Olympics the American flag was carried in, of course, by the Salahis."

Monday, February 15 winner: David Letterman: "Sarah Palin was at the finish line of the Daytona 500 waving her checkered past."

Tuesday, February 16 winner: Craig Ferguson: To guest Bob Saget: "How did you turn into Bob Saget after such a promising start?"

Wednesday, February 17 winner: Craig Ferguson: E-mail: "Dear Craig, When's a good time to tell a boy you're straight and not interested in having sex with him?" Craig: "After sex."

Thursday, February 18 winner: David Letterman: "Toyota says, 'Don't complain to us. That's what the horn's for.'"

Friday, February 19 winner: David Letterman: "Two Olympic athletes have been banned for drug use, and one Swiss biathlon member has been arrested for murder."

Monday, February 22 winner: Craig Ferguson: "You're better off borrowing from the Mafia. They'll break your legs, but they won't take your house or ruin your credit rating."

Tuesday, February 23 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "Yesterday Oprah's set was made entirely of chocolate. This is what happens when Oprah gets high. Dr. Oz thought he was inside Oprah's colon."

Wednesday, February 24 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "Another big snowstorm on the East Coast. I think it's pretty clear God is punishing them for 'Jersey Shore.'"

Thursday, February 25 winner: Jon Stewart on the Bipartisan Health Care Reform Summit: "I've always been bipartisan curious."

Friday, February 26 winner: Jimmy Kimmel: "Simon Cowell got down on one knee and told his girlfriend she was the least disgusting woman he knew. I wouldn't want to be the band that plays at that reception."

Monday, February 1

Winner David Letterman: "Chemical Ali got hanged. He's survived by his wife, Chemical Shirley, and his son, Chemical Andy." [Showed a photo of Andy Dick.]

David Letterman: "Coming to work today I looked in my rearview mirror and went. 'Oh my God!' It was a Toyota. Their gas pedals get stuck and then they won't stop. We've had that for years in New York. They're called taxis." "Today's our 28th anniversary. This afternoon a staffer said, 'Can you believe we've been here 28 years?' I said, 'No, I can't. And you are ...? We started at NBC, where they have a tradition. You work there ten years and then get steamrollered by Jay." "Lady Gaga won the Grammy last night for Best Gaga. Did you like her duet with Elton John? You're probably gay." "President Obama just got out of jury duty. No word on Afghanistan." To guest Bruce Willis: "How many years did you play high school football?" Bruce: "Let's see. I played ... September."

Jay Leno: "President Obama has changed his mind and is moving the terrorist trial out of New York. He's going to try an off-Broadway opening." "Britain has raised the terror alert from "a bit worried" to "rather concerned." "What if John Edwards judged the Miss America Pageant?" [Showed a line of pregnant women in bathing suits.] "Now that he has a sex tape, Edwards is just Paris Hilton with better hair." "John Mayer says he's often masturbated his way out of problems. Does that really work? Kev?" Headlines: "Toyota recalls 5.6 million cars, Toyota CEO asked to head NBC." Menu: "Traditional Chinese food expertly repaired." Classified: "Accepting stray or elderly cats. Also, fur-lined gloves for sale." Ad: "Women's skirts half off."

Stephen Colbert: "My weekend was fairly uneventful. LAST NIGHT I WON A GRAMMY! Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize and a Grammy. President Obama won a Grammy and the Nobel Peace Prize. Next year the Nobel Peace Prize is mine, and I don't care who I have to kill to win it. Did you see Lady Gaga and Elton John at the Grammys? They each looked like a cross between Tinkerbell and a linebacker from the Jets."

Jimmy Fallon: "John Edwards' wife has filed for separation. Under reason she put, 'See news.'" "The Israeli army is giving their soldiers socks you can wear for two weeks without smelling. In other words, they're the socks my college roommate thought he had." "A poll found men would rather give up sex than alcohol. If you feel that way you've probably already given up sex."

Obviously with my new weltanschauung I began to have real problems at school, but I found a solution. I left. Once I was out of school I had no idea what I was going to do for a living. I wanted to be a rock star, lauded and adored and worshiped, drunk, laid, gorgeous, and dead by the age of twenty-five, but that was too Byronic and romantic for a Protestant, working-class boy, so I put that idea on ice for a while and went for something similar but more in my price range. I became an apprentice electrician.

I have an addictive personality. I'll try anything a hundred times, just to make sure I don't like it.

Tuesday, February 2

Winner David Letterman: "CBS rejected a gay dating commercial during the Super Bowl. That seems hypocritical. They ran ads with straight guys during the Tonys."

Jon Stewart: "Toyotathon of Death: Toyota may have expanded too fast. They didn't want to become the #1 automaker, but they just couldn't stop ... Oops!"

Stephen Colbert: "Happy Black History Month to all my black viewer."

David Letterman: "Happy Groundhog Day. We're in for six more weeks of Oscar hype. In New York we have rats bigger than groundhogs." "Toyota says that if your gas pedal is stuck for more than four hours, call your doctor." "This year the Oscar dead actor montage will be in 3-D. Mayor Bloomberg was nominated for Best Short Subject." One of the cameras started moving across the studio. Then we saw that it was a Toyota.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Watching 'Lost' must be what it's like to live inside Paula Abdul's brain." "It's Groundhog Day, so I hope you went to church. The whole world watched Puxatony Phil from Gobblers Knob, Pennsylvania, the gayest-sounding town in the world." "This year at the Oscars there are ten films nominated for Best Picture. So it's no longer an honor just to be nominated. This year it's a disgrace not to be nominated." Jimmy showed a clip where the Bachelor said he was afraid the one virgin contestant wouldn't open up fully to him.

Jimmy Fallon: "It's Groundhog Day. For squirrels it's like being Jewish on Christmas." "The Salvation Army is having an Anti-Valentine's Day Drive where you donate things that belonged to your ex. This suit used to belong to John Edwards." "A funeral home misplaced a woman's body and put her clothes on another woman. 'I didn't know Barbara was Asian.'" "A sporting goods company is selling golf balls with pictures of Tiger Woods' mistresses on them. Tiger said, 'Yeah, I hit those.'" "A guy robbed a store with a pair of scissors, a real danger unless the store owner had a rock." "A cat had knee replacement surgery. In no time it'll be up and doing nothing again."

It was San Francisco, after all; if you're a guy and you're worried about the girl you like hooking up with someone on her vacation, I suppose San Francisco is the safest bet, assuming she doesn't give her heart to a lesbian. And who among us hasn't done that?

He came up with the name Bing Hitler(I later stole this name and used it to my own nefarious ends ...

Wednesday, February 3

Winner Jimmy Fallon: "The top officer in the Navy wants to end 'don't ask, don't tell.' What does the bottom officer think?"

Jay Leno: "The groundhog didn't even look for his shadow yesterday. He was just walking away from his home mortgage." "Northwest overshot Denver again by 500 miles. The pilots weren't asleep. It was a Toyota engine and wouldn't stop." "There's a John Edwards sex tape. Is that really unusual, a lawyer screwing someone?" "The wife of South Carolina Governor Sanford says he kept begging her to let him see his mistress. Telling his wife? That's why Republicans are no good at cheating. They ought to stick to greed. That's what they're good at." "CBS has rejected an ad for a gay dating service on the Super Bowl. Once the game starts there's no more tailgating." "An AARP study shows more elderly people are sexting. That's every kid's nightmare. 'Darn, I can't get Grandma's nude photo to download. Here, Jimmy, see if you can get it to work.'"

Jon Stewart: "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, G.I. Curious" John Oliver did a great take-off where, for gay people in the military, he substituted old people serving in the Senate.

Stephen Colbert: "Be Almost All That You Can Be: Gays should not be allowed to serve in the military. Next thing you know they'll be giving out Purple Hearts for being fabulous under fire."

David Letterman: "Mayor Bloomberg saw a groundhog yesterday, put a saddle on it, and rode it up Broadway." "Last night was the premiere of the final season of 'Lost.' A strange cloud of smoke engulfed the characters. I think it came from the writers room." "Did you folks know I'm in a Super Bowl commercial? I play the banjo in a Viagra ad." "The Pentagon wants to let gays serve openly in the military. Great. More parades. Bill Clinton popularized 'don't ask, don't tell.' Especially don't tell Hillary." Guest Sarah Silverman: "I like to tell people I just had a baby, because they say I look fantastic." "The Super Bowl is having an anti-abortion ad. The Super Bowl always has the funniest commercials."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Congratulations. You people all made it to Hollywood. 'American Idol' was on tonight. Here's a little clip."

"Rahm Emanuel, President Obama's Chief of Staff, called liberal Democrats retards. He later apologized to the head of the Special Olympics and to Sooki from 'Jersey Shore.'" "Remember when Tyra Banks had on a woman with two vaginas? This week she had a show 'Five Women, Ten Vaginas.' Ten Vaginas. Was that 'Tyra' or 'The Tiger Woods Show?'" "A New Jersey scientist has invented a robot you can have sex with. I don't want to seem anti-technology, but whatever happened to a watermelon you just drilled a hole in?" Guest Demitri Martin: "I was in a restaurant that had a sign, 'Restrooms for customers only.' Must suck to work there." "I think the best thing of all time is exaggeration. Definitely. No, wait, I like second guessing better."

Jimmy Fallon: "I Tivoed the premiere of 'Lost,' so I was all 'Nobody tell me what happened.' Now I've watched it, so I'm 'Somebody tell me what happened.'" "Obama said politics can't be just about scoring points, so now the Knicks are suing him for stealing their motto." "A man in Australia was arrested for kissing a police dog in a pub. In his defense he had no idea she was a cop."

I didn't think there was a career in comedy but it was fun and you could do it drunk. These conditions were essential to any enterprise of mine at that time.

[He's in a rock band.] We played in awful, seedy clubs, places like The Limit Club in Sheffield. It was part bar, part swamp.

For the first time in my life I needed a drink ... I equated that moment to the awful realization Henry Jekyll has when he grasps that he no longer needs the potion to transform into the monster, Edward Hyde. He needs the potion to remain the ordinary Henry Jekyll.

Thursday, February 4

Winner David Letterman: "That young model Jesus has dumped Madonna because she was trying to install a senior grab bar on him."

Jay Leno: "It was so nice today, a lot of people walked to work. Mostly Toyota owners. Have you seen Toyota's new slogan? 'Just Try to Stop Us!'" "The last surviving WWI veteran turned 109 today. He just returned from his 4th tour of duty in Afghanistan." "Should there be gays in the military? Who are we defending? Lady Gaga, 'Glee.' Of course there should be gays in the military. And Ted Haggard's wife says he's completely cured of being gay. He can make love to her now without calling her Fred." "There's a new machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper, like the banks did to the dollar." "Sex change operations are now tax deductible. Isn't that robbing your Peter to pay Paul?" "A New Zealand girl is selling her virginity for $32,000, and she says that's cheap. In college I knew girls who gave it up for three beers." "Tiger Woods may play in a PGA tournament later this month, or at least that's what he's telling his wife. Now they're saying he wasn't really in sex rehab. That was a look-alike, who needed rehab because of all the women who'd sleep with him because he looked like Tiger Woods." Guest Wanda Sykes about the late-night wars: "People would say to me, 'Shouldn't Jay just move on?' I'd say, 'Are you crazy? Jay has no skills. He can't even type.'" "Black History Month is the perfect time to have the Winter Olympics. My wife's a great snowboarder. I love to watch her from the bar." Wanda did "Boobs Out Your Blouse," her parody of "Pants on the Ground."

Jon Stewart: Actor Wallace Shawn was introduced as Jon's therapist, and Jon mentioned a problem. Wallace: "And how's that affecting your impotence?" Then Jon had two guests, Dick Sweat and Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY), an old pal of Jon's. Jon asked about his almost running for mayor against Michael Bloomberg. Anthony: "I would have beat Bloomberg like a rented mule."

Stephen Colbert: "I have always been against gays in the military, but I have to take issue with the ban on hermaphrodites. If you're both male and female it's impossible to be gay."

David Letterman: "Today was the annual race up the stairs of the Empire State Building. One contestant felt so stupid when somebody told him about the elevator." "This morning I was driven to work by Rip Torn in a Toyota. You know, to remain competitive, Chrysler is removing the brakes from all its cars." "They're having 10 Best Picture nominees to make the Academy Awards longer this year, and in the dead actor montage they're including people who are just sick." "New Orleans has waited a long time to get their team in the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA."

Jimmy Kimmel: "I don't want to jinx it, but we haven't heard from the Gosselins in weeks." Jimmy rebutted the pro-life Super Bowl ad.

Jimmy Fallon: "I always have a Super Bowl party where I eat and drink until it turns into a porcelain bowl party." "Ford sales have gone up 25% in the past month with their new slogan: 'Ford, because Toyota's trying to kill you.'" "A study found 1 out of 5 people have a gene that means they'll be out of shape no matter how hard they exercise. And 5 out of 5 unfit people will claim to have that gene." "NBC has to fill five nights of prime time now that Leno's leaving, so they're combining existing shows. They're mixing 'Hardball' and 'nip/tuck' to get 'Hard nips.'" Higgins: "I thought it would be 'Ball tuck.'" Jimmy: "'Ghost Whisperer' and 'Flash Forward' will become 'Ghost Flasher.' 'America's Most Wanted' and 'Bones' will become a show about Tiger Woods called 'America's Most Boned.'"

Lo and behold, I was in the first of the free-falls. Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?"

Robbie was hilarious and smart. He was also gayer than a parade, although when I first met him he was still pretending to be straight.

In the morning, after Colin had sneaked out, Robbie told me that although nothing had happened, he thought Colin might be gay. "Even though he works on an oil rig?" I asked. There was a bit of a beat. Then we both laughed and Robbie cried a little bit and he was out and that was it. After this the partying ratcheted up a notch because Robbie started frequenting the Glasgow gay scene and would take me along with him. Those discos were a riot. I had no idea that anyone from Scotland could dance that well, of that enthusiastically, and for some reason there always seemed to be at least a few beautiful women in these clubs as well. At least I think they were women. Robbie loved his new gay buddies, and I thought it was very cool and daring to be homosexual. I would have tried it but could never find a man I wanted to have sex with, they all seemed so ... not womanly enough.

Friday, February 5

Winner David Letterman: "A guy got on a plane with 44 tranquilized lizards in his underpants. Imagine letting a lizard crawl into your underpants, if you're not Mrs. Larry King."

Jay Leno: "This is the 44th Super Bowl. You know who was MVP at the very first one? Brett Favre. I hold a record. I've been sacked more times this year than Peyton Manning. In Vegas the big bets are on which of The Who will break his hip during half-time. President Obama is telling people not to go to Vegas. If you want to gamble, buy a Toyota." "A company can now turn regular paper into toilet paper, or as they call it around here, an NBC contract." "Nevada's Shady Lady Ranch has the first male prostitute. We have a picture of him." [Showed John Edwards.]

David Letterman: "Are you going to watch the Super Bowl? What's more American than sitting with the family watching beer and erectile dysfunction commercials? A man offered to trade one of his testicles for Super Bowl tickets. I said, this guy's half nuts." "In Florida you can now get beer at Burger King. Remember the last time you went to a fast food place? Now imagine all those people drunk." "Osama bin Laden's released another tape blaming the U.S. for global warming. Sounds like he's looking to win a Nobel Peace Prize. Last year he switched to a hybrid camel." "An airplane landed on the New Jersey turnpike. How did the pilot overshoot the Hudson?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tonight we have Ozzy Osbourne and Barry Manilow on the same show, which I believe is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. Ozzy and Barry, this is getting to be the best Black History Month ever." "Tiger Woods has graduated from sex rehab. President Clinton gave the commencement speech." "There's a Tea Party convention in Nashville. Sarah Palin is getting $100,000: $98,000 for clothes and $2,000 to speak."

Jimmy Fallon: "Tonight on our show American's most trusted newsman is going to interview Brian Williams." "Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl is going to be on at the same time as the Super Bowl. It'll be Michael Vicks' Sophie's Choice." "President Obama held a news conference on Toyota. He got up to speak, couldn't stop and ran into the podium." "Thank you to Apple for providing an iPhone for Shaq." [Showed Shaq holding an iPad.]

Chris Hardwick on Comedy Central: "An all-boys Catholic school is like a regular school, except our teachers were priests, with benefits."

Kristen Schaal on Comedy Central: "If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would it be a werewolf permanently?"

MItch Hedberg on Comedy Central: "You can't please all of the people all of the time, and last night all of those people were at my show." "I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who'd be really mad if she heard me say that."

"What about your boyfriend?" I asked.
She kept kissing and licking my fingers like they had chocolate on them. "I broke up with him," she said.
"When?" I said.
"Right now," she said.
Six months later we were married and living in New York City.

Monday, February 8

Winner David Letterman, who ended the show by saying, "And once again I'd like to thank the actors who played Jay and Oprah in our Super Bowl commercial."

Jay Leno: "The Super Bowl's the best thing to happen to New Orleans since Bush left office. And Washington got three feet of snow. So the saying's true. New Orleans did win the Super Bowl when hell froze over. As you know, I watched the game with Dave and Oprah. Dave and I hadn't seen each other for 18 years. He saw me on Facebook and sent a friend request, and I accepted. The reunion went so well Dave and I are going to Vancouver to compete in the two-man luge." Jay told how Dave had called and asked him to do the Super Bowl commercial. Jay flew secretly to New York and entered the Ed Sullivan Theater in disguise. An NBC exec heard rumors, so Jay called the guy every day asking what was up. The guy told him they thought President Obama had secretly filmed something with Dave and Oprah.

Dave, Oprah and Jay Together

Click here for the story of how the commercial happened.

"Did you like The Who in the half-time show? They looked like that old band in the Viagra commercial." "There was three feet of snow back East. They're searching for 'Jersey Shores' Snooki." "A study found there are three factors that determine whether your child will be obese: breakfast, lunch and dinner." "Did you read about that girl who traded her virginity for tuition. The sad part is, it was just bartender school." "Michael Jackson's doctor is headed to jail and may also lose his license. There's health care reform for you." Headlines: "The Who Wander Off After Half-time Show." "Foote Sent Home to Have Ankle Looked at." A man who was accused of indecent exposure had his wife testify in court that he wasn't well enough endowed for the female postal worker to see his penis from 35 feet away. Weddings: Bouy - George, Sheet - House, Long - Pickell, Hardman - Fitz, Butt - Licker, Dick - Bender.

Jon Stewart: "Amerigasm: This weekend saw the Super Bowl, a Tea Party convention and Ronald Reagan's birthday."

Stephen Colbert lost the office Super Bowl ad pool: "I was sure this was the year farting beavers would sell burritos."

David Letterman: "The good news from the Super Bowl, I am no longer Indiana's biggest disappointment. The Who played at half-time, and Pete Townshend kept trying to warn the crowd about some bad antacid. President Obama threw a Super Bowl party with some Republicans there. Yeah, now they care about New Orleans." "Sarah Palin has announced she's running for President in 2012. Thank you, God. She was paid $100,000 to appear at the Tea Party convention. As usual she was paid in pelts. The dinner cost $380 a plate, but for that a guy would come to your table and waterboard a lobster." "Saturday was Babe Ruth's birthday. He was the first baseball player to his 60 home runs and sleep with Madonna." Biff Henderson wandered on-stage and asked Dave, "Is Jay Leno still here?" Dave: "No, he went home a few days ago." Biff: "Darn, I wanted to give him this hilarious headline."

Jimmy Fallon: "FEMA announced plans to congratulate New Orleans in about two weeks." "A member of Oprah's audience suddenly gave birth. Talk about a surprise under your seat!" "There's a new dress made out of condoms, or as Lady Gaga calls it, comfy clothes."

Craig Ferguson: "Toyota knew there was a problem when Prius owners couldn't stop ... talking about how great their cars were." "Hillary and Chelsea Clinton can't find a dress for Chelsea's wedding. The best place to find a dress is on the floor in Bill's office." "The Super Bowl and then Mardi Gras. New Orleans is going on a bender so big their mascot is Mel Gibson. Bourbon Street. When you even name your streets after liquor ... Go down Vodka Alley, but stop before you turn up It's Really a Dude, which is just a cul-de-sac."

Wanda Sykes: "The Super Bowl is all the way across the country in Florida, but if you drive a Toyota you can still make it."

"Saturday Night Live": An ad for Cialis for three-ways: "When it falls into your lap you want your lap to be ready." Seth Meyers: "Toyota said owners should stop driving their cars. The owners said, 'We're trying.'" "The drunkest city in the country is Fresno. How drunk is it? Its real name is Frenzo." "As they say on 'Jersey Shore,' 'If it ain't broke, break it.'" "A woman watching a sunset on a webcam saw a man drowning and called the Coast Guard, who saved him. Now who's going to save the life of the woman who watches sunsets on a web cam?"

"That guy thinks he's Andy Warhol," I said. That guy is Andy Warhol," said Steven.

[Open mike night] "My name is Bing Hitler." "Gong!" shouted a female voice from the back of the room. "Thank you, Mother," I shot back.

... and Alan Cummings, who you may know as one of the leading ladies of Broadway.

Tuesday, February 9

Winner Stephen Colbert, who showed an ad "Celebrate Black History Month with Heineken:" "Because without Dutch merchant ships there wouldn't even be African-Americans, just Africans."

Jay Leno final prime time show: "This show was supposed to last two years, but it was reduced to five months for good behavior." "It was so cold Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn't want to take off her gloves to read." "That Super Bowl ad with guys with no pants? I thought it was an ad for John Edwards for President." "The Olympics start this week on NBC. To make it more exciting, all the bobsleds are by Toyota. One thing I wondered, if an ice skater falls and hurts herself, so they put ice on it?"

Jon Stewart: "Senator Shelby has shut down all Obama's nominations until he gets approval for construction projects in his home state of Alabama. Unlike other terrorists he has no fear of pork."

David Letterman: "I have all my jokes written on my hand the way Sarah Palin does. Did you see her notes for her Tea Party speech? 'Lenscrafters, clean rifle, look at Russia.'" "There are roving packs of coyotes in New York, and they're brazen. Today I saw one spreading mustard on a dachshund." "Tonight we have the 'Sports Illustrated' cover model. We had to sneak her into the theater in a hoodie and fake mustache." "Ellen took Paula Abdul's place on 'American Idol.' Those are some pretty big prescriptions to fill." "The Tea Party convention paid Sarah Palin $100,000 to speak. And what did they get for their money? Here's a clip." Sarah Palin: "If you can't ride two horses at once, you shouldn't be in the circus."

Jimmy Kimmel: "For the New Orleans Super Bowl victory parade police asked women not to flash their breasts. Was that some sort of reverse psychology? Reportedly The Who weren't comfortable during their half-time performance, but I thought Roger Daltry sang his gums out." "Huge storms in the East. Kids in D.C. are building Snowbamas everywhere. The government has shut down. Congressmen are using the break to spend more time with their mistresses." "Gary Coleman spent his 42nd birthday in court, and he was his usual self. Showed clip of Gary saying that no matter how hard everybody wished it, there would never be nude photos of him.

Jimmy Fallon: "A man in Colorado was rescued after three days stuck in his car. Toyota owners said, 'At least your car stopped.'" "A study shows that colors mean moods. Gray is sad; yellow is happy; and orange is Snooki. Snooki has a boyfriend now. She's already moved into his hot tub."

Craig Ferguson: "The wind today was so bad it blew Jay Leno right out of prime time." "The blind governor of New York denied rumors of an affair. He says he's not seeing another woman." "American Airlines is charging passengers $8 for use of a blanket. So bring your sewing kit and ask for five hundred free napkins. An Irish airline tried to charge passengers to use the toilets, but that didn't work. Drunk Irish people will just go in their seats." Guest Carrie Fisher: "I was tweeting you from backstage, without a lubricant." Carrie said she was considering breast reduction surgery. Craig: "Oh, don't do that. Every time a woman reduces her breasts an angel loses its wings." Carrie: "I won't get involved in Facebook. Maybe if they had an Assbook ..."

Local Scottish radio was not known for programming comedy (not intentionally, anyway) ...

For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up.

Her mouth is big and sexy and when she smiles at you it feels like you've won something.

She made me laugh more than anyone I had ever met, and her conversation was peppered with thrilling, clever, and uproarious innuendo. In short, she was way out of my league.

Wednesday, February 10

Winner David Letterman: "People are making fun of Sarah Palin for writing crib notes for her speeches on her hand, but I'll tell you, that's how I got through my wedding night."

Jon Stewart: Jon did a bit where they came up with "Snowmageddon" for the East Coast and then showed clips of big news programs already using it. Likewise with "Snowpocalypse" and "Snowtorious B.I.G." So Jon just named the segment "Unusually Large Snowstorm." In the segment "Mighty Orphan Power Strangers" Jon held that, "Surely Haiti's laws against missionaries taking children if the missionaries are from a richer country are superseded by the United Nations Madonna Doctrine." Jon's guest was Willie Mays, who talked about his new biography, which sounds fascinating.

Stephen Colbert to Jon Stewart: "Is that your face? In HD you look like a ski mask made from an elephant's scrotum. But on you it looks good."

Stephen Colbert: "We're Off to See the Blizzard:" "Huge snowstorm, but at least now you can tell where the homeless people have peed. In case we get snowed in here tonight I have my first aid kit and my second aid kit."

David Letterman: "There's a blizzard outside. New York is whiter than a Tea Party rally. Regis says he hasn't seen anything like this since the blizzard of 1888. I was running my snowblower this afternoon and heard that awful chunk, and out flew the neighbor's cat." "Now they have denim pajamas that look just like jeans so you can roll out of bed in the morning and just wear them to work. Now this is why the rest of the world hates us." "On the Super Bowl, special thanks to my bookie for beating me where it doesn't show. It was the biggest TV audience ever. Number 2 was the episode of 'Dallas' where J.R. got shot in the face by Dick Cheney." "Bob Dylan performed at the White House for Black History Month. And what better commemorates B.H.M. than a white Jewish singer from Minnesota?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "The whole East Coast is covered in white. This is the worst Black History Month ever. The snow won't stop. This is the Toyota of storms. The kids are loving it. They're all out of school. In L.A. the kids don't get out of school unless Lindsay Lohan ran into their classroom." "Are you watching 'American Idol'? To be clear, Ellen's the one in sneakers, and Ryan's the one in the slightly wider tie." "David Patterson, the governor of New York, may be in trouble over an affair. I love it that a blind guy can't be satisfied by just one woman. He was on Imus today defending himself, against what I'm not sure, because nothing's been printed yet. But I guess he doesn't know that." Jimmy showed a great video combining "A Charlie Brown Valentine" with the Tiger Woods Scandal.

Jimmy Fallon: "The East Coast is covered with snowbanks, or as Toyota owners call them, cushions." "Today Sarah Palin's hand said, 'Put your glove back on, stupid. It's freezing.'" "Even the United Nations is closed because of the snow. If the U.N. is closed, who's going to do nothing?" "On 'Jersey Shore' Snooki's new boyfriend says they're exclusive. She says, 'He's cute when he makes up words.'" Guest Dick Cavett recalled when he wrote an introduction for Jack Paar: "Here they are, Jayne Mansfield." He also recalled a program that wasn't aired because a guest died. "One part of my mind realized he was dead, but the other part blurted out, 'Are we boring you?'"

Craig Ferguson: "There's a general strike in Greece. Not the musical, the country. They gave us the Olympics, you know, but the original Olympics were all male, and they were all nude and covered in olive oil. That's how they invented the pole vault. Originally it was the 100-yard dash, but somebody got excited. Their main god was Zeus, who used his fame and power to have sex with anyone he wanted. He was the Tiger Woods of his day."

Chelsea Handler: "Do you like Cameron Diaz?" Her sidekick Chuy: "Yes, and she did a great job directing 'Avatar.'"

We stayed together for five years, and by the time it was over, she had, with my blessing, changed my life beyond recognition. I wanted her to, and I was and still am happy and grateful that she did.

Helen had done Ibsen and Shakespeare and Chekhov at very classy and impressive joints from Stratford to the West End. She played crazy Mrs. Miggins on U.K. television's most popular comedy show, "Blackadder," alongside Rowan Atkinson, Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry.

I would look for jobs that took me away from her so that she wouldn't see me get fucked up. I toured Australia with an all-girl Jewish singing group called the Hot Bagels, and of course ended up having an affair with the Everything Bagel.

Thursday, February 11

Winner David Letterman: "Sarah Palin is 46 today. John McCain sent her a Toyota."

Jon Stewart: "The Apparent Trap:" "The Republicans think it's a trap that Obama has invited them to state publicly their position on health care."

David Letterman: "Some guys in the West Village were making a snowman today, and they've been arrested for illegal use of a carrot. Don't you hate it when the snow melts on your front porch and you find a frozen Jehovah's Witness?" "It's Valentine's Day Sunday. I'll be spending the day with Oprah and Jay." "Regis and his lovely wife Joy are on the show tonight. Joy has been married to Regis for 40 years. The Vatican has nominated her for sainthood."

Jimmy Kimmel: "You know those messages on those little candy hearts? They're all done by Gary Coleman by hand." "Sarah Palin's 46 today. She blew out her candles with an assault rifle." Guest Greg Giraldo: "Here's what Tiger Woods should have said to his wife Elin: 'Look, honey, if a hundred pairs of shoes showed up in your hotel room every night, wouldn't you keep a pair of two?'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Valentine's Day is Sunday. At the Amsterdam airport police found 40 pounds of cocaine hidden in a shipment of roses. Sounds like Amy Winehouse has a boyfriend." "Michelle Obama says childhood obesity threatens our national security because obesity disqualifies young people from military service. So, kids, eat those pizzas and fries and play your video games, or eat a salad and go to Iraq." "An ambassador in the United Arab Emirates called off his wedding when he removed the veil and discovered his bride was cross-eyed and had a mustache. We may have found Osama bin Laden."

Craig Ferguson: "It's a birthday today for Burt Reynolds and Charles Darwin, the two men who've done the most to prove we're descended from apes." "Remember that reality show 'The Littlest Groom'? You had to guess who'd marry Tom Cruise."

When Jimmy came to pick me up two months later, I was, in the words of Raymond Chandler, "clean and sober and didn't care who knew it."

By the time I was clear of all the money I owed, I'd been sober for seven years.

Neither of them drank, for reasons of their own, but they still knew how to have a good time and set about teaching me that skill.

I splashed out and rented a blue Jeep Wrangler convertible, thinking I was the fucking cat's pajamas as I drove around L.A., feeling like a movie star but looking for all the world like a moderately successful hairdresser.

Friday, February 12

Winner David Letterman: "At the Olympics the American flag was carried in, of course, by the Salahis."

David Letterman: "The Winter Olympics start today. I always enjoy the Parade of Nations Who Hate the U.S. The bobsleds this year have been replaced by Toyotas. By the way, for you folks from out of town, when you see a movie in Times Square called 'Four Man Bob,' that has nothing to do with the Olympics." "Yesterday was Sarah Palin's birthday. She went up in a helicopter and picked off wolf cubs. Speaking of that, 'The Wolfman' movie opened today. He's half human, half beast, and the story has a happy ending. He's elected Governor of California." "For Valentine's Day the Republicans have bought President Obama some of those little hearts with messages on them: 'Not True' and 'You Lie.'" "In New York it's Fashion Week and the Westminster Dog Show, so we have bitches coming and going." "Did you see the Super Bowl Sunday? Commercials were so expensive that some companies joined together to split the cost, like Doritos and Cialis: 'Crunch and Fornicate All You Want, We'll Make More.'" Guest Joe Wong: "This telemarketer kept pushing and pushing, so finally I said, 'Have you found Jesus Christ?' Now I'm on his don't call list."

Jimmy Kimmel: "We now have snow in 49 states, and in the South they don't know what to do. They've tried putting barbecue sauce on it, shooting it... Yet in Vancouver for the Winter Olympics they're having to fly in instant mashed potatoes to strew on the ski slopes." "A poll showed that 70% of Americans support gays serving openly in the military. Another poll by the same company, however, found that only 59% support homosexuals serving openly in the military. So I guess many people don't know gays are homosexual." For Valentine's Day Jimmy let the Octomom play "The Dating Game."

Craig Ferguson: "There was a fight at a Super Bowl party in Florida, and one man lost a testicle. And you thought Peyton Manning was upset when he lost a ball." "... And speaking of crypto-fascist events, Sunday is Valentine's Day, and there's a movie of that name opening today. Plus 'The Wolfman.' So again Hollywood sets it up for men and women to fight over what to see. So if you want to see a creature with big teeth go to 'Valentine's Day' with Julia Roberts. But 'The Wolfman' has Benicio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins, because when you're casting an old Latino man you immediately think of Anthony Hopkins. Can we see the real Wolfman? No, that's Wolf Blitzer. Benicio Del Toro is already very hairy. In fact, they had to shave him a little bit for the part. You know how a wolfman works, full moon, he wakes up the next morning naked with his clothes in shreds. I may have been a wolfman in the 1980s."

Jimmy Fallon: "Did you know that at the Winter Olympics the US curling team has its own condoms? They're not as effective in birth control as just being a member of the US curling team." "I think Toyota has been overdoing it on the apologies. We appreciate the apologies, but you can stop now. Stop! Stop!" "Australia now has people called kangaterians who eat only vegetables and kangaroo meat. Kangaroos call them a-holes." Jimmy did his weekly thank you notes. "Thank you to men's figure skating for being like hockey if it came out of the closet." Jimmy did a parody of "Lost" called "Late."

It didn't take long before we realized that traveling by car across the high desert in winter is not the sort of trip you want to make in a convertible, and like bickering wee girls we fought all the way there over who was sitting too close to the heater.

I dropped John off at the convention and before I turned back to L.A. had myself a look around Sin City. I was intrigued and captivated by the sleaze and desperation, and thanked my lucky stars I had never been here drunk.

The desert is magical at night, and, with the instincts of a bikini model in a slasher movie, I turned off the interstate and headed out into the wilderness for about five miles.

Monday, February 15

Winner David Letterman: "Sarah Palin was at the finish line of the Daytona 500 waving her checkered past."

David Letterman: "How many of you people are just glad I'm not Bob Costas? Have you been watching the Olympics? It's so warm in Vancouver the skaters are falling through the ice." "Yesterday was Valentine's Day. The underpants bomber bought his girlfriend exploding lingerie." "We're having a 3-day weekend for Presidents' Day. Of course all President Bush's weekends were 3-day." "There was a pothole in the Daytona 500 that was 2-feet wide. Hell, here in New York our potholes have potholes 2-feet wide. One on 8th Ave. even has a gift shop." "Have you seen the contests at the Dog Show? There's the fake tennis ball throw, and then there's going crazy in a parked car. But they had some real trouble there today." Dave showed a clip from "The Wolfman." To guest Tracy Morgan: "Who is your valentine?" Tracy: "Oprah. But I have a problem. She's always on the phone to Gail." Dave: "Are you watching the Olympics?" Tracy: "Black people don't watch the Winter Olympics." Then Tracy went into a rant. "They can't find Osama bin Laden, but they found my cousin Kenny, and he'd had a sex change and was living in a women's shelter. And he hadn't even done nothing." "At the SAG awards Morgan Freeman kept looking at me like he couldn't place my face, so I went up to him and said, 'Daddy?'" Top Ten Things George Washington Would Say If He Were Alive Today: 10. "Thanks for using my birthday to sell mattresses." 9. "If you think Regis is crazy now, you should have seen him in college." 8. "What the hell is a Lady Gaga?" 5. "Watch out! Runaway Toyota!" 3. "Ever done it with a guy who's on Mt. Rushmore?" 2. "If you elect Sarah Palin, please let me know so I can roll over in my grave."

Craig Ferguson: "On Presidents' Day we pay homage to our history by getting good deals on mattresses." "Scientists are saying being bored can be bad for your health, so perhaps you people at home should change the channel." "Are you watching the Olympics? Don't they freeze? To go skiing they wear what I'd put on to go jazzercising. You can't get Michael Phelps in the Winter Olympics. He'd go, 'Dude, the water's hard.'"

The first day of rehearsals was nerve-wracking because I couldn't believe I was actually going to meet a real live Osmond.

From what I know about their faith, it's not for me, but I have to say I never met a Morman I didn't like.

[Chapter heading] The Fat Man, the Gay Man, Vampires, and Marriage

It confused a lot of people when he and I became great chums since he had the same name as my girlfriend, although I never once got the two of them mixed up.

And that is how I ended up playing an Englishman on American television not for three episodes but for eight years. [on "The Drew Carey Show"]

Tuesday, February 16

Winner Craig Ferguson: To guest Bob Saget: "How did you turn into Bob Saget after such a promising start?"

David Letterman: "Have you been watching the figure skating? I like the outfits. Today Johnny Weir tested positive for Lady Gaga." "Tonight's competitions at the Westminster Dog Show are Going Nuts When a Doorbell Rings and Barking at a Dog on TV. Yesterday there was a 12-way tie for Creepiest Dog Handler." "It's the Chinese Year of the Tiger, but like a fool I'm still writing Year of the Ox on my checks." "North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il is 68 today. He celebrated quietly at the mansion with his twin girlfriends." "Filmmaker Kevin Smith was kicked off Southwest Airlines for being too big, but they did let him join the Mile-Wide Club. He rented a Toyota and beat the plane to his destination."

Jimmy Kimmel: "It's Fat Tuesday. Mardi Gras is fat guys on floats. It's the reverse of the Winter Olympics." "Jimmy showed clips of the Octomom giggling on Friday night's show. "She's laughing all the way to the sperm bank." "The biathlon is skiing and shooting a rifle, though to Sarah Palin that's just commuting." "'Jersey Shore's' The Situation is coming out with his own fragrance called The Sitch. It's liquor and Red Bull with just a whiff of gonorrhea."

Craig Ferguson: "Fat Tuesday originally was the day when you ate a lot of fat going into Lent. How that turned into a day when you flash your boobies I don't know, but I'm all for it. It's the day I restock my bead collection." "Kevin Smith was kicked off Southwest for being too fat. Fat people are having to buy two seats. Soon I'll have to buy one seat for me and one for my penis. It's bad on a plane anyway. It's cramped; it's farty, and there's no entertainment. It's like being in the audience here." British guest Matt Lucas: "I like American because the portions are bigger."

Actors on prime-time sitcoms make good money. And so, I was not only paying large and regular sums to my astonished creditors in the U.K. but ...

... so most of the time my mother used a wheelchair, hating every minute of it. My father, however, enjoyed pushing her around. He said it was the first time since they were married that he had any kind of control over her.

Sasha drank water from a blue plastic bottle and then smiled her big happy smile and told me she was pregnant. I can't remember what I said, but according to Sasha I just giggled like an idiot and wouldn't let her ride her bike home.

Wednesday, February 17

Winner Craig Ferguson: E-mail: "Dear Craig, When's a good time to tell a boy you're straight and not interested in having sex with him?" Craig: "After sex."

David Letterman: "In figure skating today, three of the men tested fabulous. They're remarkably athletic, but why do they all have to look like Edward Scissorhands?" "Curling has all the excitement of shuffleboard plus household chores." "A Scottish terrier won the Westminster Dog Show, but now some nude photos have surfaced. There was also a big PETA protest. They wanted the dogs to quit wearing fur." "Director Kevin Smith was trying to fly on Southwest, and they said, 'Hey, you two come here.' They said he was too fat to fly, and it was a safety issue. If he made a sudden lunge for a bag of peanuts it might unbalance the plane. And when he finally got home his wife wouldn't let him board her either." To guest Abby Elliott from "SNL:" "You're the daughter of our old friend Chris Elliott, and I know a lot of people are thinking, 'That guy was able to reproduce?'" Top Ten Surprising Facts About Curling: 9. Consistently ranked the world's number one broom-related sport. 8. It's a lot like hockey, minus the speed and excitement. 6. Not to be confused with Norwegian sport "Carling" where you push a guy named Carl across ice. 3. Mickey Rourke making film about washed-up curling legend who comes back for one last big curl.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Thank you for choosing us over Delayed Women's Curling. Curling makes bowling look like wrestling. I like Ski Cross, which is a cross between skiing and crucifixion." "Have you been watching the Westminster Dog Show? It's the Super Bowl for gay dogs. The winner gets to crap on Michael Vicks' lawn." "Tiger Woods is holding a press conference Friday. Maybe he'll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010." To guest Tracy Morgan: "The 'N.Y. Post' said you ran into a sex shop, Babes in Toyland, and yelled, 'Do you have motion lotion?' Is that true?" Tracy: "Yeah, but they didn't mention I also yelled, 'And do you have extra, extra, extra large condoms?'" On doing that Super Bowl commercial with Stevie Wonder: "He lifted up his glasses and winked at me." On his new movie "Cop Out" with Bruce Willis: "Yeah, we definitely got all the fun off the truck."

Craig Ferguson: "A Scottish terrier named Sadie won the Westminster Dog Show, so I'm no longer America's favorite Scottish bitch." "Porsche has a new hybrid car. I guess it's for environmentalists with tiny penises." "Once the clothes come off the hobos, the time for talking is over."

In*jean*ious on Castro Street: A T-shirt with two guys in a canoe: "Paddle faster. I hear banjos."

It was a story, much like Twain's The Prince and the Pauper, about a rock star and a roadie who change places for a few days, and though it seemed pretty thin as a premise, what the hell was I going to do, turn the gig down? It was Mick Jagger, for Christ's sake!

On the morning of the premiere we arrived in our luxurious hotel feeling terribly glamorous. While Sascha unpacked I went for a pee in one of our suite's four bathrooms. We were on the top floor, and, looking down through the open window, I could see the glass roof of Waverly Railway Station far below. Through the cracked panes in the ceiling I could see the same Photo-Me booth that I had slept in during the 1986 Edinborough festival.

Thursday, February 18

Winner David Letterman: "Toyota says, 'Don't complain to us. That's what the horn's for.'"

David Letterman: "I like the way Shaun White did it. Just make up your own sport, and then one day you win an Olympic gold metal. Because of his red hair his nickname is The Flying Tomato, not to be confused with The Flying Lemon, which is any Toyota." "Madonna's at the Yankee Spring Training, looking for a fifth man for her rotation." "Tiger Woods is making his first public apology tomorrow. He needs just three more to tie my record. It's a good thing he's getting it out of the way before there's any talk. Now he can get back to what he does best, and maybe play a little golf." "A woman sat up just as she was about to be embalmed, or as Larry King calls it, 'Every day of my life!'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "You people are my reason for getting out of bed in the afternoon." "Tiger Woods will speak tomorrow in front of a small group of reporters, colleagues and girlfriends. What'll he say? I'd like to apologize to my fans for sleeping with them?" "President Obama met with the Dalai Lama in spite of China threatening to stop sending us poisonous toys."

Craig Ferguson: "Did you watch Women's Skiing last night? It was mucky and dangerous, and that was just Bob Costas. Then Shaun White did that half-caf vente thing."

The Big Tease was a very disappointing experience. In the space of a few months I'd gone from being a big success to an equally big failure in the movies, but I soon stopped caring because Milo was born. Milo came into the world, a sticky, angry, and slightly confused mess, just like his dad. Anyone who has been present at a birth knows how weirdly adrenal the whole event is. As a first-time father, I found myself terrified in a whole new way, not afraid for myself but for my child, who until that moment had been an abstraction. All of a sudden he was real and the world had changed beyond recognition. Now there was someone I would unthinkingly lay down my life for, and I felt a massive, uncontrollable, powerful, feral love. I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to a supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

Friday, February 19

Winner David Letterman: "Two Olympic athletes have been banned for drug use, and one Swiss biathlon member has been arrested for murder."

David Letterman: "This weekend I'll be home watching the Olympics with Oprah and Jay. Have you been watching the figure skating? I can't figure the scoring system. They ought to call it go figure skating. Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it's waterboarding but colder." "Mayor Bloomberg has turned Broadway into a petting zoo or something. Now he's installing a 7-story aquarium in Times Square. One tank will have mob informants floating in it." Fun Facts: "On average two people a year go to a Billy Joel concert and have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack." "To save time Andy Dick now walks around with a mug shot number hanging around his neck."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tiger Woods apologized to his wife and kids, so I guess he was seeing other kids as well. All the stations counted down to a golfer apologizing for sex. Then Tiger walked in and everything went dead. His speech had all the emotion of a flight attendant's safety announcement. He asked the media to leave his wife and kids alone, which is fair, because if there's one thing he did, it was leave his wife and kids alone. Another tiger made an apology yesterday." Jimmy showed a clip of the white tiger that ate Roy. "More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village, because if there's one thing we don't want it's the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more."

Craig Ferguson: "Tiger Woods cleverly timed his apology for today when it would get lost in all the hoopla over the birthday of the 14th century astronomer Copernicus. Actually, Copernicus dated a lot of women, so he was the Tiger Woods of his day. He had the heliocentric theory, which just means Earth orbits around the sun. I hate using big words to explain simple things, like saying Men's Long Form Figure Skating instead of Gay Pride Parade. Copernicus also had a theory of emissions, basically that he who smelt it dealt it." "Regis is going to be on the show soon, and we're going to sing a song together. I'll let you know when, so you can watch Fallon that night."

Lady comic on Comedy Central: "Why are all the good ones Holocaust deniers. right?"

Phil to Gloria, on Valentine's Day, on "Modern Family": ''I have to get oldÉ. You don't have to get fat.''

I determined that if I ever had another story to tell I would do it in the form of a book, not a film, so that I wouldn't have to collaborate with a bunch of people I wouldn't trust with a fork.

[Becomes late-night host] A little bit of cool goes a long way; it lands on you if you are a late-night talk-show host. Consider the other guys: if Dave wasn't the king of late night he'd just be a cranky old man who drives too fast. Jay would be a weirdly needy mechanic, and Conan would have kids following him down the street calling him names. Without his show Jimmy Fallon is just a thirty-five-year-old giggly adolescent; and Jimmy Kimmel is a cool guy, but he'd be the first to admit he's not cool Ñ in another life he'd be a genial maitre d'.

Monday, February 22

Winner Craig Ferguson: "You're better off borrowing from the Mafia. They'll break your legs, but they won't take your house or ruin your credit rating."

Jon Stewart: "Mitt Romney says there should be no government–run health care if it destroys Medicare, our government-run health care." Guest Ricky Gervais: "Would you rather be Daddy or Mommy?" Jon: "I'd rather be Daddy." Ricky: "OK, come over here and suck Mommy's c**k." "We're two intellectuals and a global village idiot."

Stephen Colbert in Vancouver: "As you can see, it's 11:30 and the sun is still shining, and they wonder why there's no snow here." To wildly applauding audience: "You all just won a gold medal in stroking my ego." "Tonight's guest is Shaun White, America's leading genetically altered product. He's two-time winner in the halfpipe, which must mean he's one-time winner in the wholepipe." "Halfpipers and figure skaters both get rated by judges. How come you guys don't burst into tears?" Shaun: "I think the skaters just go, 'I wore this outfit and I still didn't win.'" "When I'm on public slopes all these kids are following me with their camera phones, and they're looking at the phones, so it's carnage behind me."

Chelsea Handler to Jo Koy: "Why did you have to cross that line? This is not that type of show." Jo: "Yes it is. Your nipples are still hard." Chelsea: "Susan Boyle has broken up with her cat. She doesn't have time for him, and he isn't satisfying her, sexually or emotionally."

Craig Ferguson: "If you missed our Friday show, first of all congratulations. Anyway, you remember two people who work on the show are getting married, so tonight let me present them with our gift. We're sending them on a honeymoon tour of Northern European shipyards." "Marijuana use among senior citizens is at an all-time high. They're slow, they talk funny, and they want to eat dinner at 4:30. It's hard to tell them from regular old people." "New credit card regulations start today. Credit card companies are evil. They're a cross between Satan and divorce lawyers. Well, that's not fair. To Satan." Guest Parker Posey had a dream that a sheep stood at the foot of her bed and counted.

Alan to police officer on "Two and a Half Men:" "First of all, let me explain the erection."

"Employees Must Wipe Ass"

I walked out onto the floor of tiny Studio 56 to bask in the riotous applause of a paid audience who had no idea who I was.

"If you truly listen to what the other actors are saying, everyone will think you're a fucking genius, dear."

I didn't watch what the other guys did, it would have been like watching someone else kiss your girlfriend, which was bad enough, and maybe doing it better than you, which was worse.

My predecessor, Craig Kilborn, also called me and was very gracious to me on my first day at work; and Regis Philbin, who turned out to be a great friend of Peter Lassally, took me to lunch. When I say took me to lunch, I mean he had lunch with me. I paid.

I used to think I wasn't a very competitive person, so I was surprised to hear myself tell the entire staff on my first day as host: "This show is number two in its time slot. Anyone who doesn't have a problem with that should quit now." You must forgive me, I was just excited about scoring the big gig and was getting in touch with my inner douche bag.

Acknowledgments ... And to everyone that I left out Ñ you're welcome.

Tuesday, February 23

Winner Jimmy Kimmel: "Yesterday Oprah's set was made entirely of chocolate. This is what happens when Oprah gets high. Dr. Oz thought he was inside Oprah's colon."

Jon Stewart: "Credit Card Reform:" They interviewed a former Mafia loan shark who pointed out they never changed the interest rate or tacked on extra fees.

Stephen Colbert: "Vancouverage: Brought to you by Verizon Wireless, may contain some wires. We're here at the Winter Olympics where America is kicking ass and mispronouncing names." "No Olympian is more decorated than Johnny Weir. For a male figure skater this outfit is business casual." To guest Lindsey Vonn: "You were almost kept out of the Games by a bruise on your leg, or as physicians call it, a boo boo. Did a team of top specialists come in and kiss it well? You ski on men's skis. How do you tell the gender of a ski? Do you look under the binding?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Friday Tiger Woods apologized for having sex with everybody." "The head of Toyota had to put up with being yelled at in Congress by men who don't do anything." "Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital with chest pains." The audience cheered. "I'm not going to do the joke now. I can't top that."

Craig Ferguson had no audience and spent the whole hour chatting with Stephen Fry.

In retirement Sherlock Holmes befriends and accepts as a partner Mary Russell, a 15-year-old girl with a mind as sharp as his own. She tells the story.

"My God," he [Sherlock] said in a voice of mock wonder, "it can think."
"My God, it can recognize another human being when it's hit over the head with one." For good measure I added, "And to think that I was raised to believe that old people had decent manners."

"Young man, I Ñ"
"'Young man'!" That did it. Rage swept into my veins, filling me with power. Granted I was far from voluptuous, granted I was dressed in practical, that is, male, clothing -- this was not to be borne. ... With a surge of glee I seized the weapon he had placed in my hands and drew back for the coupe de grace. "Young man?" I repeated. "It's a damned good thing that you did retire, if that's all that remains of the great detective's mind!" With that I reached for the brim of my oversized cap and my long blonde plaits slithered down over my shoulders.
A series of emotions crossed his face, rich reward for my victory. Simple surprise was followed by a rueful admission of defeat, and then, as he reviewed the entire discussion, he surprised me. His face relaxed, his thin lips twitched, his grey eyes crinkled into unexpected lines, and at last he threw back his head and gave a great shout of delighted laughter. That was the first time I heard Sherlock Holmes laugh, and although it was far from the last, it never ceased to surprise me, seeing that proud, ascetic face dissolve into helpless laughter. His amusement was always at least partially at himself, and this time was no exception. I was totally disarmed.

Wednesday, February 24

Winner Jimmy Kimmel: "Another big snowstorm on the East Coast. I think it's pretty clear God is punishing them for 'Jersey Shore.'"

Jon Stewart: "As you know, the President has been on a campaign to reform the health care system so we can kill the elderly. Ten days after he announced a bipartisan Health Care Summit, with a list of those invited and the topics that will be covered ..." Jon showed a Republican in Congress complaining she didn't know who was invited and what topics would be covered. Then he showed a series of clips of Republicans complaining Obama wasn't doing something, and as soon as he did it, complaining about that. Jon showed an old clip of Oprah campaigning against diabetes and then a clip from this week of Oprah yelling: "Our set today is made 100% of Godiva chocolate!" John Hodgman: "The Winter Olympics are irrelevant to most of the thawed world. And those aren't sports, those are dares, people sliding across slick surfaces. They ought to do away with the athletes. Take The Situation from 'Jersey Shore,' dress him in sequins and throw him off a mountain." Guest Tracy Morgan: "Evel Knievel is in an electric wheelchair now. I want to see him jump four phone books."

Stephen Colbert: "Russia's leading figure skater only won silver, but on his web site he claims he won plutonium. Our guy ought to say he won unobtainium."

Jimmy Kimmel: "I have a cold today. That's why I'm holding these tissues in a box that has pictures of animals I'm allergic to." "The Winter Olympics are just white people in leotards. I hope Sarah Palin doesn't get mad at us for using the term 'leotard.'" Jimmy showed a clip of a female ice skater using a Kleenex. "I want to see athletes win gold, not dig for it." "'American Idol' beat the Olympics in the ratings last night. When it comes to sexually confused men in tight clothes we prefer Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest." "The head of Toyota appeared before Congress, and because of the language problem he brought a surrogate to apologize for him." Showed Tiger Woods saying, "I apologize." "Dick Cheney has been treated for his fifth heart attack. The next one's free." "The Dalai Lama is now on Twitter. Between Tiger apologizing and the Dalai Lama tweeting, Buddhism's having a tough week."

Craig Ferguson: "The Dalai Lama has opened a Twitter account. Probably to piss off China. Twitter's different from Twister. In Twitter no one gets mad at me for being naked. I'm not sure how it compares to Facetube. I pick up my cell phone and start typing away, and I feel twenty years younger. Then I realize I'm typing on my TV remote." "There are two requirements for being a fan of this show: Insomnia and no cable." "Knowing me I'll soon forget Twitter and go on to the next big thing, in my case probably hip replacement surgery." "It's time for a commercial. The commercials are an awkward time around here, because when you're not here they hurt me."

In retirement Sherlock Holmes befriends and accepts as a partner Mary Russell, a 15-year-old girl with a mind as sharp as his own. She tells the story.

"Mary," he said, tasting it. He pronounced it in the Irish manner, his mouth caressing the long first syllable. "A suitably orthodox name for such a passive individual as yourself."
"I believe I was named after the Magdalene, rather than the Virgin"
"Ah, that explains it then. Shall we go, Miss Russell? My housekeeper ought to have something to put in front of us."

... When we arrived at his cottage we had known each other forever.

Thus my life began again, in that summer of 1915. I was to spend the first years of the war under Holmes' tutelage, although it was some time before I became aware that I was not just visiting a friend, that I was actually being taught by Holmes, that I was receiving, not casual lessons in a variety of odd and entertaining areas, but careful instruction by a professional in his area of considerable expertise.

Thursday, February 25

Winner Jon Stewart on the Bipartisan Health Care Reform Summit: "I've always been bipartisan curious."

Jon Stewart: "I wouldn't go out in this blizzard to deliver insulin to my dying grandmother, and you people came out to watch an idiot make stupid jokes."

Stephen Colbert: "Freud Rage, the Ice Man Counseleth." Stephen gave advice to the speedskating team, which "The Colbert Report" sponsored: "Let's be a team, a team of individuals looking out for themselves. They say there's no 'I' in team, but why can't we add one?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Russia lost in hockey last night, but cheer up, you're still the bad guys on '24.'" "Did you see that blind skier? The hardest part was getting the skis on his dog." "The Bipartisan Health Care Summit lasted over six hours, which is the average wait time when you go into an emergency room bleeding."

Craig Ferguson: "The Olympics; can you get enough of Latvians in spandex?" "General Motors is shutting down Hummer. Even China doesn't want it. You know you're in bad shape when you can't give away a Hummer." "There's a Lactose Intolerance Conference in Washington this week. It's not as bad as last year's conference Poopicon, which made a big splash. Cows are not designed to give people milk. Cows are designed to give people delicious hamburgers."

In retirement Sherlock Holmes befriends and accepts as a partner Mary Russell, a 15-year-old girl with a mind as sharp as his own. She tells the story.

The horse obligingly leant forward, and we pulled out onto the road north, on the trail of Jessica Simpson. [The book was written in 1994.]

"Besides," he [Sherlock] added, his voice muffled now by the undercarriage, "a renowned bachelor such as myself, you probably would be more of an embarrassment were you a boy." There really was no possible response to that statement.

"Very well, to be succinct: We shall go out, but not yet; the bomb was here, attached to your door when I arrived; and 'what's going on' is nothing less than an attempted murder." I stared at him aghast.

Friday, February 26

Winner Jimmy Kimmel: "Simon Cowell got down on one knee and told his girlfriend she was the least disgusting woman he knew. I wouldn't want to be the band that plays at that reception."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Today I had to shovel my car out from under 18 inches of sunshine." "There was an emergency airlift today of 8,500 condoms to the Winter Olympics, in addition to the 100,000 they already had." "The women's hockey gold medal winners were in trouble for drinking liquor and smoking cigars on the ice in the empty arena. You could tell they were drunk because they weren't making out with each other." Jimmy had a tribute with photos of hockey players' knocked-out teeth." "A Russian chimpanzee is in rehab for addiction to cigarettes and beer. If only there were some way to keep these substances away from him."

Craig Ferguson: "At Coney Island in a kitchen area they found a 140-year-old hot dog. The only time I've seen a wiener that old was in a locker room with Andy Rooney." "Bernie Madoff's niece is changing her last name to something that isn't so hated: bin Laden." "Kellogg, the guy who invented dry cereal was also a doctor who treated people for what he called genital hysteria. I might have that, because people look at my genitals and start laughing hysterically." "We couldn't afford Fruity Pebbles when I was a kid. We ate real pebbles. Fruity Pebbles is what I called my testicles. Now I call them Grape Nuts." E-mail: "Dear Craig, after men shave why do they always rub their faces?" Craig: "I rub anything I shave."

In retirement Sherlock Holmes befriends and accepts as a partner Mary Russell, a 15-year-old girl with a mind as sharp as his own. She tells the story.

Reminders of my femininity always took Holmes by surprise. However, I could not hold him to blame, for they took me by surprise as well.


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