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Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection
Jay Leno: "There's $535 million in the stimulus package to combat sexually transmitted diseases. It's the first stimulus package to protect your package after it's stimulated." "Barack Obama's half brother has been arrested in Kenya. Remember there was Billy Carter and then Roger Clinton. Bush, of course, is the dumb brother." "The economy's so bad models are only earning half their usual fees. Some of these girls can't even afford enough food to throw up." "Michael Phelps is an excellent swimmer. He's good at the half-pipe too." "The Smithsonian wants to put Aretha Franklin's' inaugural hat on display, as soon as they can build a new wing to house it." "A survey found peoples' two biggest worries are quitting smoking and saving enough money for retirement. Just keep smoking, you won't need money for retirement." "A woman gave her baby up for adoption 30 years ago and just found him on MySpace. Luckily she didn't find him on Match.com." "The Post Office wants to stop Saturday delivery because people aren't mailing as much anymore. If you want to complain you can e-mail the Postal Service." "More guys are selling their sperm for money. With a sperm bank, after you make a deposit you lose interest." "Doctors just removed a woman's kidney through her vagina. Her surgeon had lost a bar bet." "Madonna is dating a 22-year-old Brazilian model. All we know is that he's a model and he likes antiques."
Jimmy Kimmel: "One brother is President of the U.S. and the other is a stoner in Kenya. And is Africa really the place where you want to get the munchies?" "Olympic champion and High Times cover boy Michael Phelps ..."
Dave Letterman: "It was Super Bowl XLIII, which is also Jessica Simpson's dress size." "Every time the guests would clap at John McCain's Super Bowl party the lights would go on and off." "They got a picture of Michael Phelps smoking weed. He said he was sorry and then ate his medals." "It was 23 and cloudy today. Like Michael Phelps." "A passenger from Dubai was smuggling pigeons in his pants. A male flight attendant heard cooing from the man's fly and thought he'd found Mr. Right." "Iceland has a new lesbian Prime Minister. Probably makes her the only foreign leader who likes Bush." "Immediately after that bit of porn aired on the Super Bowl it was diagrammed by John Madden." "The economy's shrinking. The stock market is shrinking. The only thing getting bigger is Jessica Simpson." "It was nice having Rod Blagoyevich on. For one night I wasn't the creepiest guy on the show." "This has been shocking. We don't expect Democrats to cheat on their taxes. We expect Democrats to cheat on their wives." "With the woman with the 38KKK breasts and George W. Bush, Texas now has the world's three biggest boobs." "You couldn't be here at a better time. The hookers in Times Square, bless their hearts, are offering a free Grand Slam." "Airlines are slashing their fares. On US Air you can fly half price from Laguardia to the Hudson River." "Scientists found the remains of a 45-foot python, biggest snake in the world, if you don't count Bernie Madoff. It's thought to have belonged to Milton Berle." "Rod Blagoyevich has been impeached and banned from participating in Illinois politics for life. Luckily, you can participate in Illinois politics long after you're dead." "Republicans are saying the stimulus package is just loaded with pork ... I'm sorry, that's what they're saying about Jessica Simpson." "Babe Ruth would be 114 today. I believe he was the first Yankee to sleep with Madonna." "At the Grammys, third year in a row, nominated for best duo, Pamela Anderson." "To make executions more humane, several states have switched to electric recliners." "Unemployment is high. The foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high." Guest Steve Martin: "I love football, because the helmet and padding remind me of my childhood." "I just saw my new film with a real audience, and at the end I was so excited I leapt into the air. Unfortunately I was wearing a short skirt with no underwear."
Conan O'Brien: "Michael Phelps is in trouble for smoking pot. There's a lesson here, kids. Never share your pot with a guy with the lung capacity of a dolphin. In Phelps' defense, he doesn't have to be at work for four more years. His commercials have changed. Have you seen his new, 'Eat a bowl, smoke a bowl. That's my Wheaties workout.'" "Porn was accidentally broadcast during the Super Bowl in Arizona. A woman put her hands down a man's pants, and the referee called her for holding." "Iceland has a new lesbian prime minister. During the swearing in she kept her hand on Bjork." "A Texas woman had her breasts enlarged to 38KKK. She likes the effect on men and the earth's tides." Guest Brian Williams mentioned Bruce Springsteen's sliding his crotch into the camera at the Super Bowl. "We toyed with an entrance like that for me on the NBC Nightly News, but it was just too much package."
Craig Ferguson: "Lindsay Lohan threw a tantrum at the airport after the Super Bowl, evidently because they didn't have a separate waiting room for fake lesbians." "Burglars broke into Amy Winehouse's place and did $1,000 worth of improvements." "Michael Phelps was caught smoking from a bong. That can't be good for your gills. Now we know why he eats 12,000 calories a day. It had to be a bong. Have you ever tried to roll a joint with webbed fingers? He deserves a break. He's 23, for God's sake. He's only human. Well, part human." "Obama's $500,000 salary cap doesn't just affect the executives, but their chauffeurs, their hookers ... Hookers can't live on trickle-down economics." "Scientists found the fossil of a 45-foot python. They've named it the TommyLeeassaurus." "The porn awards were last week. I think they're called the Rammys." Guest Kathy Griffin: "Whitney Houston didn't like my calling her Cracky McGee."
30 Rock: Alec Baldwin was taking his girlfriend's mother on a tour of NBC: "The regular tourists wouldn't get to see Conan without his wig."
Stephen Colbert: "The Boy Scouts are logging or selling off their land. They no longer have any sticks, so they have to start fires using the friction between what they say and what they do." "At the Grammys Lil Wayne is looking forward to seeing Madonna ask for the senior citizens' discount at the bar.'
Comedy Central, Dan Levy: "You can't have sex with friends. If you do, at the end you just say, 'I'll get a towel and wipe our friendship off your stomach."
The Soup showed a clip of an 8-year-old zoned out on drugs from the dentist. Host Joel McHale: "You laugh now. That kid is on his way to becoming the greatest Olympic swimmer ever!" At the end of the show: "Bring your eight new fatherless kids to see my show this weekend at ..."
Seth Meyers on SNL: "A man robbed a convenience store using a Klingon sword. What was he stealing? Not condoms."
Jay Leno: "The economy's so bad Obama's new slogan is 'Spare change you can believe in.' And all the Grammy winners showed up today at Cash4Gold. The economy's so bad gay bars are having ladies nights. People are having to put their chia pets up for adoption." "Paris Hilton cornered Paul McCartney at the Grammies and said she wanted to do a duet with him, but he told her he doesn't do porn." "A-Rod has admitted steroid use. Madonna can't believe she cheated with a cheater." "Doctors at Johns Hopkins took out a woman's kidney through her vagina. She'd gone in to have a mole removed." "A-Rod said when he took steroids he was young and naive and stupid, which is exactly what Madonna looks for in a man." "They took away George Bush, but thank God they gave us Joe Biden." "Cosmo had a story about a woman who had an orgasm so powerful it almost killed her. But to be fair, I did warn her." "For Valentine's Day a Michigan Zoo is having a $50 tour where you can watch the animals mate. Or for $1.98 a parrot will talk dirty to you." "Sarah Palin turns 45 tomorrow. She got a card with $5 in it from John McCain." "The war on drugs a failure? After years and years and billions of dollars we finally got Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps has shown us that if you take drugs that get your picture on a Wheaties box you're OK. Drugs that make you eat Wheaties, not OK." "The octomom has a web site where you can send her money. Even scammers in Nigeria were disgusted. She had 8 babies at once. She must have gotten her sperm at Costco." "In Baltimore you can now eat sushi off a naked woman. Is that a good idea in a town famous for its crabs?" "An auditorium burned down just before a concert. Luckily it was a Billy Ray Cyrus concert, so there was no one in the building." "In honor of Lincoln's birthday Wal-Mart is going to free its employees." "Siegfried and Roy are going to perform again. Fans call it brave and historic. The tigers call it dessert." Guest Bill Maher: "Michael Phelps took a bong hit, and now he's O.J." "The fire marshall had to close down the octomom's vagina." Headlines: "Drunk driver claims dog was driving."
Conan O'Brien: "At his first press conference Obama said he'd go boy-girl-boy-girl. It's the Lindsay Lohan method." "Women who have healthy orgasms do better at work. Especially if they're prostitutes." "A man in Canada says he's invented an invisible condom. Ladies, he's lying." "Carmen Electra is suing the Naked Lady Wrestlers League for not paying her for being emcee. Oh, Naked Lady Wrestlers League, have you no shame?" "It turns out a surprising number of mobsters are gay. This causes confusion when they tell someone to get in the trunk." Guest Norm Macdonald: "Remember how you were telling me, 'Thank God I'll never have to follow that fu****g Leno again!'"
Craig Fergusen: "A-Rod said the worst side effect of steroids was having smaller testicles than Madonna." "That US Airways crew were on 60 Minutes. The geese were on the Food Channel." "American Idol kicked out a contestant. Yes, she tested positive for dignity." "The one common denominator in all Jennifer Aniston's failed relationships is Jennifer Aniston." "In the old radio show the Shadow had an invisibility cloak. They made it into a movie starring Alec Baldwin. This was back when it was possible to make a cloak for Alec Baldwin." "Due to the economy everyone in the Daytona 500 will be carpooling." Guest Illia Williams: "Antonio Banderas is quite short. Melanie Griffith and I both had to stand in a ditch." Craig: "For different reasons though."
Dave Letterman: "I guess Madonna wasn't all A-Rod was injecting." "The Grammy for best duo went to Aretha Franklin and her hat." "Trouble at the dog show at Madison Square Garden. A Jack Russell terrier had to drop out because of tax problems. Usually at Madison Square Garden the only thing to roll over and play dead is the Knicks. I haven't seen that much tail chasing since Eliot Spitzer was governor." "The economy's so bad, today I saw a pigeon feeding an old lady." "So many dogs in town for the dog show there's a 20-minute wait for a hydrant. And today Bernie Madoff swindled a poodle out of its rhinestone collar." "Obama still believes in bipartisanship and has vowed to work with Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson." "US Air pilot Sullenberger and I have a lot in common. We know what it's like to have people running screaming for the exits. I have a bone to pick with the captain. We at The Late Show invented 'Will It Float.'" "Today it was warm and cloudy, like an Alex Rodriguez urine sample. He's apologized and says he wants to put it all behind him and go back to being an overpaid disappointment." "Restaurants are so desperate for business that they won't give you the worst table in the place when you come in with a prostitute. Last night they even let me ride the dessert cart." "Scandal at the Westminster Dog Show. They have a shot of the winner smoking a bong. He's 70 in dog years, and he's now dating bitches half his age." "Today's Sarah Palin's birthday. I'm not saying how old she is, but from her house she can see 50." "A-Rod has gone back to his ex-wife. And Madonna has gone back to the NBA." "So windy today a guy in Times Square took a leak in New Jersey. So windy I had to jump in a cab and yell, 'Follow that hairpiece!'" "A-Rod went back to his wife, and today, in a touching ceremony, Madonna retired his number." "A zoo is charging $50 to let you go in and watch the animals have sex. That's a lot of money, but you also get a hat that says 'Sicko.' But for $2 I can take a ride on the subway and watch all the sex I want." "Exactly 45 years ago the Beatles performed for the first time in America right on this stage. Now look what you've got." "Everyone in New York has Fashion Week fever. This morning my cabdriver launched his new fragrance." "Tomorrow's Valentine's Day, or as we call it at my house, a truce." "Michael Jackson is selling Valentines candy. It's white chocolate on the outside with a nut inside." To US Air crew: "What's the first thing you heard from the cockpit?" Stewardess: "Brace for impact." Dave: "Had you ever heard that before, maybe in some other aspect of your life?" "The only animals that mate in flight are eagles and skydiving instructors." Guest Jake Johannsen: "Not to worry, the people who are going to be mad about this $800 billion haven't even been born yet." "The new cars run on tears. You cry in the gas tank and then drive by where your job used to be." "You don't want to wait too long to fight your dad, to where you can't feel good about yourself, when you just unplug him."
Demetri Martin on Comedy Central: "The worst time to get amnesia would be Halloween." He did a chart showing the frequency someone urinates not in a bathroom as a function of age. "A Millivanillisecond is the amount of time they were popular."
John Cleese on Chelsea Handler: ""I'm promoting Cages for the Aged, because we want the aged to live in really nice cages."
Stephen Colbert: "One of the Westminster dogs was bred using 25-year-old frozen sperm. Don't let the octuplet woman know it's available."
Blind girl on 30 Rock: "My instincts are always right -- except for looking at the eclipse."
John Hodgman on The Daily Show suggested an Emergency Christmas to get consumers spending.
SNL: Seth Meyers: "Barack Obama is the tenth President Helen Thomas has asked the same first question, 'When will you free the slaves?'" "A-Rod admitted steroid use, but never in October." "Salma Hayek breast fed an African baby because it was hungry. In a related story, Wah! Wah!" Alec Baldwin played a cougay, a middle-aged man who likes young men.
A PBS special on Mike Douglas showed him asking Alfred Hitchcock where he got his love for suspense and mystery. Hitch: "I was three months old, minding my own business. Suddenly my mother went 'Boo!'" Mike Douglas: "You don't like Philadelphia." Groucho Marx: "I don't like you. I like Philadelphia."
Chelsea Handler: "It's President's Day. We have a black President, and it's Black History Month. I don't have any black in me, but the night's young." "Paris Hilton had a birthday party fit for a ten-year-old. In fact, it was the same party she had when she was ten, but the stripper pole was taller." On four rappers singing with 9-months pregnant M.I.A. at the Grammies: "That's the longest four black men have ever hung around a pregnant woman."
Jay Leno: "In New York Governor Patterson wants to tax internet porn. So, guys, economic recovery is in your hands. And is a tax on porn a poll tax?" "Obama picked Denver to sign the stimulus bill because the debt's a mile high. You know, the economy's so bad Snow White has replaced the seven dwarves with one dwarf with multiple personalities." "Burris keeps changing his story. With politicians, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth are three different things." "When historians were polled about Presidents, Bush rated fifth from the bottom. And the margin of error was five." "A 72-year-old woman who used to be a sprinter chased down a kid who stole her purse. Good for Madonna!" "President Obama has made his first foreign trip, to Canada, to address one of the greatest threats to the U.S., Canadian geese." "And Hillary Clinton was in Japan, where she saw sumo wrestlers and said, 'Oh, you have interns here too?'" "My last plane trip I went through one of those new body scanners, and they accused me of carrying a pipe bomb. You know, now fat ugly terrorists are going to sail right through." "Thank God California finally has a budget. Arnold told the legislators is they didn't pass it he'd make a sequel to Kindergarten Cop." "Half the people in a new poll thought a couple should live together before getting married. The other half were women." "A woman's hair weave stopped a bullet. Witnesses said it was unbeweaveable." Guest Dennis Miller: "The government in charge of health care sounds to me like the DMV with wounds." "Have you seen the mausoleum Burris built for his family? It's two stories, looks like a big dead and breakfast." Headlines: Ad: "Celebrate Valentine's Day or learn self-defense." Menu: "Jumbo shrimp urinated and fried." Ad for "Cardio Dick Boxing."
Dave Letterman: "They're talking about taxing internet porn. It's starting to feel like the government wants me to fix the economy personally." "A nude photo of the young Madonna sold for $37,000. Of course it was also valuable because Honus Wagner was in it." "The economy's so bad the octuplet lady says next time she's only going to have twins." "Hillary Clinton's overseas. She's charged with picking up a carton of duty-free smokes for Obama." "A-Rod has tested positive for bulls**t." "The automakers are back for more money. These guys are like the world's most expensive brother-in-law." "A family in Brooklyn found a boa constrictor in their couch. They should have been suspicious. Theirs was the only apartment in New York without rats." "Sarah Palin owes $70,000 in back taxes. She's blaming it on A-Rod's cousin. Luckily she can see the IRS from her house" "Michael Phelps has quit smoking the weed. Now he's spending all his time hanging out in strip joints. Talk about working on your breast stroke." "I once got to host the Academy Awards, and had to ditch the show in the water. John McCain won't be watching the Academy Awards. You know why? He doesn't like the talkies. You know, it takes a lot of nerve for a 4-1/2 hour TV show to give out an award for editing. This year if the acceptance speeches go on too long they're going to send Christian Bale out to scream obscenities at them. The Oscar is 13-1/2 inches tall and weighs 8 pounds ... I'm sorry, that's Tom Cruise." Top ten things Lincoln would say if he were alive today. 10. "Sup?" 9. "I see Madonna's still a slut:" 2. "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?" Guest Mike Birbiglia: "Some people videotape themselves having sex. When it's over I just think, 'Thank God nobody saw that!'" "There are female narcoleptics who fall asleep the instant they reach orgasm. Usually we call such people men."
Conan O'Brien: "HIstorians have named W one of the ten worst Presidents, but he's the second-best President named George Bush." "This is our final show, number 7,295. And 42 of them were quite good." John Mayer wrote a special song for Conan, "L.A.'s Going to Eat You Alive." Conan released Abe Vigoda back into the wild.
Craig Ferguson: "Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson canceled a gig because of illness. Evidently Lindsay's sick of pretending to be a lesbian." "The High School Musical movies are about a mythical high school where young men can burst into song without getting the crap beat out of them." "The Denver Nuggets are the only team named after testicles. No, wait, the Minnesota Twins. The Redskins. Oh, and my team, the Giants." "Kate Moss says she's now wearing a bra. She didn't grow boobs until she was 35. Just like me." "The E! channel has a new show called Hot Girls in Scary Places. Don't they already have a show like that with Hugh Hefner?" "The Oscars are the Gay Super Bowl."
Jimmy Kimmel: "In the spirit of bipartisanship President Obama sent every Republican member of Congress a bag of peanuts." "New York Governor Patterson wants a tax on internet porn. That's the problem with having a blind governor. What's he going to tax next, rainbows?" "The octomom's mom's house may be foreclosed. Isn't it time to sell a couple of those kids to Jennifer Aniston?"
Stephen Colbert: "The first lesbians to be married in Massachusetts are getting a divorce. That's not right. The Bible says divorce is between a man and a woman."
Joel McHale on The Soup, commenting on The Girls Next Door: "Something besides Hef's going to be changed at the Playboy Mansion."
Drug ad: "People taking aspirin and the elderly are at greater risk." Me: "OK, I'll quit taking the elderly."
Oscars: Hugh Jackman: "Meryl Streep has a record 15 nominations. I'm sorry, but when you hear numbers like that it's hard not to think steroids." In presenting Sean Penn as a Best Actor nominee, actor Robert de Niro asked: "How, for so many years, did Sean Penn get all those straight roles?" Tina Fey: "It has been said that to write is to live forever." Steve Martin: "And the man who wrote that is dead."
Jimmy Kimmel on special post-Oscars show: "Instead of a statue, eacn winner went home with an octuplet."
Jon Stewart on leading Republicans saying that being against Obama's plan doesn't preclude their taking the money: "Isn't that like saying, 'I'm against gay rights, but if that guy in a cowboy hat is giving free bj's ...'" An Obama segment was titled "Optimist Prime." A segment on the chimp attack was titled "Felonious Monkey." To guest, anchorman Brian Williams: "I'm surprised your blog isn't more hard news and less Jonas Brothers gossip." Brian: "I can't find the middle one cute?"
Stephen Colbert: "Tonight I take a look at the Oscar winners, who evidently have been outsourced to India." "Mardi Gras is a tribute to Saint Show Me Your Tits. For Lent I'm giving up listening." The segment on Obama's Congressional address was titled "Yackety Barack." To guest Kris Kristofferson: "Isn't freedom now just another word for America, since we have nothing left to lose?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "I was talking backstage with the Jonas Brothers, and we're in luck. Tonight is the night they're giving up their purity rings, so several of you are going home pregnant." "US Air pilot Sully Sullenberger was supposed to go to the Governor's Ball, but at the last minute veered off into the fountain." "Fat Tuesday is followed by Where Are My Underpants Wednesday." "George W. Bush is going to be giving speeches for $150,000 each, plus an extra $25,000 if you want to throw shoes." "The octomom has been offered a part in a porn movie. Unfortunately the title Octopussy is already taken."
Craig Ferguson: "The Razzies are the anti-Oscars, which I suppose means they're the Oscars for straight people."
Demetri Martin: "We humans are distinguished by our ability to reason, and by our last names." "Raising your voice, the next best thing to being right." He had to choose between "Pay for show with life's savings" and "Go to commercial."
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