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Strange de Jim's Late-Night TV Zinger Collection

February 2007

Mayoral Scandal

San Francisco's Mayor Gavin Newsom, who had supported same-sex marriage, admitted he had an affair a couple of years ago with his appointments secretary, who was the wife of his campaign manager and best friend. Also, Gavin and his own then-wife had once posed for a peculiar photo on a rug in the Getty Mansion. This cartoon is from the San Francisco Chronicle, 2/2/07:

Friday, Feb. 2, Jay Leno noted, "When they say the Mayor of San Francisco is on top of things, they're not kidding. But apparently his campaign manager was not aware of all the Mayor's positions." Jay showed a clip imitating a Rice-a-Roni ad with a cable car, and then it said, "Gavin Newsom, the San Francisco Cheat."

Monday, Feb. 5, Jay called Gavin "Mayor McSleazy," and said he was "caught riding some things other than cable cars, though he wasn't the first San Francisco politician to have sex behind someone else's back. And good luck finding a new campaign manager!"

Wednesday, Feb. 7, Jay said he thought Mayor Newsom was only going into rehab to meet Lindsay Lohan. On his Celebrity Jeopardy the question was, "Something you might find on your wife," and the answer was, "The Mayor of San Francisco." Also, "What an insult. Not only did he have sex with your wife; he had to be drunk to do it."

Thursday, Feb. 8, David Letterman: "San Francisco's Mayor Gavin Newsom is now dating an actress. No word on what her husband does."

Wednesday, Feb. 21, Leah Garchik in the San Francisco Chronicle: "Daniel Detorie overheard a woman at Venticello telling another, 'The only reason I'd kick Gavin out of bed is to do him again on the floor.'"

Stephen Colbert: "Scientists have discovered that 8% of sheep are gay, and the rest are into bestiality."

Conan O'Brien: "Joe Jackson tried to visit his son Michael, but the staff locked the door. They have strict orders not to admit angry parents."

Sarah Silverman: "I learned that it doesn't matter whether you're straight or gay, because at the end of the day they're both gross."

Stephen Colbert on Black History Month: "I don't see color. People tell me I'm white, and I believe them, because the police call me sir."

David Letterman: "In 25 years, during commercials, 3,000 actresses have said to me, 'Let's not complicate it with sex.'" And, "What maniacal ruler who enjoyed feasting on human flesh is the subject of an Oscar-nominated film? The Answer is Queen Elizabeth."

Craig Ferguson: "Lindsay Lohan is texting her friends from rehab that she craves hamburgers and sex. I think you can get both at In and Out."

Joel McHale on Jennifer Aniston confirming she'd had corrective nose surgery: "Apparently her nose has been out of joint for several years."

Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live: "In Florida a sex offender won $14,000,000 in the state lottery. He said he'd spend it on a puppy and a van."

Brooke Shields on Two and a Half Men: "Lots of men want to have children."
Charlie Sheen: "Yeah, and they're all gay."

Jay Leno: "Hillary will get the woman vote, and Bill will bring in the other woman vote." Jay also said Maytag has recalled 2,000,000 dishwashers, and the INS has deported 50 more.

Conan O'Brien was showing the new state quarters. The motto on California's was, "Come see Britney's vagina."

Jay Leno on the lady astronaut who drove from Houston to Orlando to try to kill her romantic rival: "She drove 900 miles in diapers so she wouldn't have to stop to pee, beating the old record set by Larry King. With the male astronaut she was contemplating an illegal docking procedure. The new astronaut drink is Poon Tang." On the Super Bowl, Jay noted, "Flo Max spent $2.6 million on a commercial when they knew their target audience had to be in the bathroom." Jay claimed 18,000,000 American men suffer from erectile dysfunction, "and that number could double if Hillary gets elected."

Conan O'Brien: "The male astronaut was disappointed she was arrested. He'd been hoping to get some Tang. The female astronaut was charged with possession of a loaded diaper."

Rob Riggle on The Daily Show: "The Chinese have never been able to get a diapered astronaut closer than 400 miles to the person they wanted to kill." Samantha Bee noted, "A lot of women have trouble balancing a job and family with being crazy."

Dave Letterman: "The astronaut was wearing a wig and a diaper, and at first the authorities thought she was Elton John. It's amazing, 900 miles in a diaper. Britney Spears can't even make it around the block in her underpants."

Jay Leno: "eBay had some gum chewed by Jessica Simpson. She had to take it out so she could walk."

Craig Ferguson: "The police bulletin went out, 'The suspect is wearing a space helmet and a diaper. No, it's not Bob Barker.'"

Jonathan Katz on Conan: "A farmer was going bankrupt, so he opened a phone sex business. He cut the lips off his cow and sheep. Have you ever tried saying 'moo' or 'baa' without using your lips?" Also, "I've written a therapy book for 5-year-olds, Tying Your Inner Shoe." Then, "My wife and I have two beautiful kids. And two who are not so attractive."

Dave Letterman: "I thought the only space traveler who wore a wig and a diaper was William Shatner."

Jimmy Kimmel on the basketball player who announced he's gay: "People began to suspect when he had no illegitimate kids."

Jay Leno: "All day in a single diaper. That astronaut lady must have felt like one of Britney Spears' kids."
"Prince Charles wants Camilla to have $100,000 of plastic surgery. That wouldn't even cover the spackle."
"Ralph Nader will be the first person to run for President four times in the same suit."

Craig Ferguson: "All that I ask of a dog is that I can blame my farts on him."

Jay Leno "Headlines:" "Policeman loses nose in circumcision ceremony."
"The police believe the problem occurred sometime between November and Tuesday."
Menu had "feet mignon."

Dave Letterman's Valentines: "You're the only one for me, but I'd be cool with a three-way."
"Every time I gaze into your lovely eyes I forget you used to be a dude."
"Your sister could teach you a thing or two."

Jay Leno: "An 84-year-old woman admitted to having sex with an 11-year-old boy. This time Cher has gone too far."

Dave Letterman: Not to be outdone by Britney shaving her head, Rosie O'Donnell has shaved her back."

Conan O'Brien: "When Britney got out of the car people yelled, 'Hey, look, that bald guy has a vagina!'"

Craig Ferguson: "I asked her, 'How do you like your eggs in the morning?' She said, 'Unfertilized.'"

Dave Letterman: "I suspect Britney Spears will settle down once she has kids."

Conan O'Brien: "After shaving off her hair, Britney showed up at a club in a blonde wig. And to make sure no one recognized her, she wore underwear."

Craig Ferguson [on asteroid heading toward Earth]: "An asteroid is a big rock, so we should send up a giant piece of paper."

Jay Leno on quarterback Tom Brady, whose ex says she's pregnant by him: "That shows what happens when the quarterback doesn't get protection. You've got to wear a helmet."

Peter O'Toole on Jay Leno: "The only exercise I get is following the coffins of friends who exercise."

John Oliver on The Daily Show, whose Jon Stewart hosted the Oscars last year: "Ellen DeGeneres was a breath of fresh air after last year's unpleasantness."

Conan O'Brien telling who would play whom in a documentary about the Oscars: "The Kodak Theater, which had 3,000 celebrities in it at one time, will be played by Paris Hilton."

Jon Stewart to Jake Gyllenhaal: "You were the kid in that Billy Crystal movie."
Jake: "City Slickers."
Jon: "Right. So, technically Brokeback Mountain was not your first gay cowboy movie."

Dave Letterman on the supposed tomb of Christ: "Who'd have guessed they'd find Jesus before bin Laden."

Jay Leno on Hugh Heffner's upcoming nuptials: "The bride is registered at Victoria's Secret. The groom is registered at Forest Lawn."

Craig Ferguson: "He asked how I'd like my chicken prepared. I said, 'I don't want it prepared. Take it by surprise.'" Also, "I've never had a mustache, so I've never kissed anyone with a ... Well, that's not true. Never mind."

 

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