I'll be on vacation until I get Billions of Virgins updated and uploaded to Kindle.

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Friday, December 16
(Only Letterman, Leno & Ferguson were live.)

10. David Letterman: Do you people have to be somewhere?

9. Craig Ferguson: In the movies the chipmunks always break into song. So when I see a chipmunk in real life I wonder if it can sing. Just like when I see a gerbil I wonder if it knows Richard Gere.

8. Jay Leno: The candidates all have their position on the Federal Reserve. Ron Paul is anti-Fed. Mitt Romney is pro-Fed. And Newt Gingrich is over-Fed.

7. David Letterman: The Golden Globes is fixed. It's a bunch of crap. And I can say that with confidence because we've never been nominated. But they say the Golden Globes predict the Oscars. And in a sense they do, because they're long and boring

6. Jay Leno: A woman in Florida received a transplant of a kidney from a complete stranger after she posted an ad on Craigslist. It's nice you can use Craigslist for more than just transvestite prostitutes. [Looking at the band] Right, guys?

5. David Letterman: It was so cute. Today I saw all the Sidewalk Santas lined up for their random drug test.

4. David Letterman: The war in Iraq is finally over. It lasted 9 years. That's 46 Kardashian marriages.

3. Craig Ferguson: "The Artist" got six Golden Globe nominations. It's a silent movie, where people's mouths move but nothing comes out. It's like Rick Perry in the debates.

2. Jay Leno: Last night Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. The difference? Tim Tebow actually has a prayer.

1. David Letterman: Macy's is open 24 hours a day now. Nothing puts you in the Christmas spirit like a night-shift Santa.

I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010

A wonderful story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over 65,000,000 books.

Page 247 - These weren't cheap modern books; these were books bound in leather, and not just leather, but leather from clever cows who had given their lives for literature after a happy existence in the very best pastures.

275 - There is no way that Roland can refuse me now. And besides, I have a secret weapon: I have the trust and confidence of a young lady who is soon going to be his wife. No man can be safe in those circumstances.

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Thursday, December 15
(Fallon in reruns.)

10. Jay Leno: The NBA season starts on Christmas, and then they're going to try to cram 66 games into a much shorter season. Players may be so tired they're going to have to ADOPT children out of wedlock.

9. Jay Leno: There's a new, very rare species of monkey found in Vietnam called the Elvis Monkey because its hair looks like Elvis's. There are a lot of sightings, but most turn out to just be Elvis Impersonator Monkeys.

8. Jay Leno: The government used a spy drone to catch a man stealing cows, and now farmers are worried they're being spied on. Especially sheep farmers.

7. Conan O'Brien: Ron Paul doesn't like homogenized milk. And he doesn't like gay milk either. Andy Richter: I'm also against gay milk. If you saw the farms where they milk those things, you'd be against it too.

6. Jon Stewart: Republicans will do anything to keep from having to put a Mitt Romney sign on their lawns.

5. Conan O'Brien: In Florida a woman got a new kidney after posting an ad on Craigslist. The weird thing is, she was only looking for a used futon.

4. David Letterman: Ron Paul, of all people, is surging in the polls. When Mitt said, "My gloves are coming off," Ron Paul said, "OK, my teeth are coming out." And doctors have confirmed that Ron Paul is incapable of a sex scandal.

3. Conan O'Brien: In order to pay their way through college, more and more students are turning to the sex industry. [Crowd applauded.] So, parents, you should be worried if your kids tell you they were up all night cramming.

2. Jay Leno showed a clip of Lindsay Lohan as the judge was telling her that he was very pleased. This time she'd actually done the work and done it very well. Then the camera panned to the judge reading Lindsay's January issue of "Playboy."

1. Jay Leno: Newt Gingrich signed a "no adultery" pledge. Out of habit he signed it John Smith.

Oscar Wilde and the Vampire Murders by Gyles Brandreth, Simon & Schuster 2011

In 1890 Oscar Wilde and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle are asked by the Prince of Wales to solve a murder. Bram Stoker, Anton Dvorak, Lillie Langtry and other notables become involved.

Page 66 - Oscar said, "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his."

67 - "He was never led astray into the path of virtue."

83 - The prince beamed. "When Bagehot's book appeared I gave the Queen a copy -- specially bound."
"In fatted calf, I presume," said Oscar.

"The one duty we owe history is to rewrite it," said Oscar.

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Wednesday, December 14
(Fallon in reruns.)

10. Conan O'Brien prop master Bill Tull: Take a coffee filter. Stick a bow on it. Boom, Christmas wreath. Take a coffee filter. Put a bag of marijuana on it. Boom, Peace on Earth.

9. David Letterman: I went into FAO Schwarz and asked if they had something an 8-year-old might like, and the clerk said, "How about your show?"

8. Jay Leno: Men are now going to their barber and asking for a Mitt. Then they go to the girl on the corner and ask for a Herman Cain.

7. Craig Ferguson: I think for her "Most Fascinating" list Barbara Walters needs a little bit of a spanking for two reasons. One, she's appealing to the lowest common denominator to get ratings, and two, I like spanking women over 70.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: Christine O'Donnell, who used to be a witch, endorsed Mitt Romney, and she said, "He's been consistent since he changed his mind." Can't argue with that.

5. Jay Leno: The "New York Post" says when Derek Jeeter has a one-night stand he sends the girl home with a gift basket of signed memorabilia. So if you're a baseball fan, and this Christmas your girlfriend gives a baseball signed by Derek Jeeter ...

4. Craig Ferguson: One of Barbara Walters' most fascinating people was Pippa Middleton. Because what's more fascinating than being the sister of someone who's famous for marrying someone who's famous for just being born? But Pippa's also famous for having an ass that looks great in a dress. Which is another reason I should be on that list.

3. Conan O'Brien: This year if you want to give a gift that definitely won't be returned, give a U.S. spy drone. Andy Richter: That joke would have killed in Tehran.

2. David Letterman: Jimmy Fallon is just waiting for Leno to die.

1. Conan O'Brien: Very interesting that Barbara Walters always lands all 10 of the year's most fascinating people.

Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern, !tbooks 2010

Page 130 - Because I had barely any concept of what Los Angeles was like, I was met with a few surprises when I arrived -- the first during my first night in the apartment. I learned that I shared a bedroom wall with our neighbors when I got into my old queen-size bed and hear the sounds of loud, passionate lovemaking coming through the thin stucco wall. I had never seen my neighbors before, but I had watched my fair share of porn, so immediately I envisioned a blond bombshell with huge breasts getting it on with a faceless man. My visual, paired with the live soundtrack, got me so excited that after listening for a few minutes I popped into my desktop computer the only porn DVD I owned and rubbed one out before dozing off. The next day, I walked out of my apartment just as my sexually active neighbors were strolling out of theirs.
"Hi, I'm Steven. This is my partner, Lucas," my neighbor said to me, introducing his larger male companion.
Hey. I'm Justin. I just jerked off last night to you and your boyfriend having sex, thinking you were a woman, and now I'm feeling fairly insecure about my sexuality, I thought.
I told them it was nice to meet them.

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Tuesday, December 13
(Fallon in reruns.)

10. Jay Leno: Rick Perry was interviewed in a library, and they placed special books that were kind of mean: "Runnin' Texas for Dummies," "Supreme Court for Dummies," "Dumb & Dumber for Dummies."

9. Craig Ferguson: Today is Ice Cream Day. I spent all morning in bed with Chubby Hubby Then we went to get ice cream.

8. Jay Leno: The world's tiniest baby, born in 2004 weighing only 9.6 ounces, is now thriving and entering school as a typical first grader at 239 pounds.

7. David Letterman: Michele Bachmann is picking running mates. That's like the Colts picking out Super Bowl rings.

6. Craig Ferguson: A woman in Washington, D.C. was kicked out of the DMV for breast feeding. That's outrageous! When did women start getting drivers licenses?

5. Jimmy Kimmel: Kwanzaa seems to have lost steam since Obama was elected.

4. Jay Leno: An Alabama anti-gay politician has been leading a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples. This is a classic case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing. But he was making money hand over fist.

3. David Letterman: At the Trump Tower they always put a star on top of the Christmas tree. This year it's Tom Cruise.

2. David Letterman: I asked the salesclerk at Bloomingdale's if he had something for my wife, and he said, "Nothing but pity."

1. Conan O'Brien: Someone threw shoes at Iranian president Ahmahdinejad. Iran has captured the shoes and is studying their technology.

A Study in Sherlock Edited by Laurie R. King and Leslie S. Klinger, Bantam Books 2011

Twenty best-selling, award-winning mystery writers wrote Sherlock Holmes stories. I especially like the one where Sherlock is asked to fake President McKinley's assassination.

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Monday, December 12
(Fallon in reruns.)

10. Stephen Colbert hung his mistletoe on a mirror.

9. Jay Leno: Salma Hayek said when she was a young girl she put her hands in holy water and asked for big boobs. And you thought turning water into wine was a neat trick.

8. Craig Ferguson: Lamar Odom has been traded to Dallas, so he has to move there with his wife Khloe Kardashian. So we're losing a big strong ball handler AND Lamar Odom.

7. David Letterman: Barbara Walter's 10 Most Fascinating People is coming up. Herman Cain is one of them, but of course he denies it.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: I asked parents to tell their kids they could open one present early, and then give them something they knew they wouldn't like, and send the video to us. [One of the videos had the mother saying, "Well, Jimmy Kimmel told me to do it." The little kid said, "Well, tell him to suck my balls."]

5. Jay Leno: The average sex act lasts 7 minutes. So why do we have to pay for the whole hour?

4. Craig Ferguson: Sometimes packages get lost in the mail. You're expecting something wonderful, and you wait and wait and nothing comes. It's like voting for Obama.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: Steve Guttenberg got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today, and it rained all day. Coincidence?

2. Conan O'Brien: Lamar Odom of the Lakers was traded to Dallas for a first-round draft pick. Also, his wife Khloe Kardashian was traded to New Jersey for two Real Housewives.

1. Jon Stewart correspondent John Oliver: Rick Perry doesn't have an Achilles heel. He has an Achilles head.

Snuff by Terry Pratchett. Harper 2011

Sir Terry Pratchett was knighted by Queen Elizabeth in 2009. His novels have sold more than 75,000,000 copies and are pure delight.

Page 7 - It was a conspiracy. Why did they never find a vegetable that was bad for you, hey?

14 - "Yes, but --" Vimes began, but his wife silenced him with a smile. She had a special smile for these occasions; it was warm and friendly and carved out of rock.

22 - You COULD fish in the river Ankh, provided you took care not to catch anything. In fact it was amazing what you could catch by just letting one drop of the Ankh pass your lips.

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Friday, December 9
(Only Leno, Fallon & Ferguson live.)

10. David Letterman: Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.

9. Jay Leno: A woman was arrested for actually cooking meth inside a Walmart. The worst part, the meth was the only item in that Walmart made in America.

8. Craig Ferguson: A postal worker in Britain was arrested for stealing penis enlargement pills he was supposed to deliver. He would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those tight little postal shorts.

7. David Letterman: Earlier today  Newt Gingrich was endorsed by the voices in Glenn Beck's head. Newt has a holiday book out. "The Newt Before Christmas."

6. Jay Leno: An Islamic cleric in Europe has issued a ban on women touching bananas and other fruits and vegetables that look like a penis. Isn't it going to be worse to watch them trying to eat a banana without using their hands?

5. Jay Leno: Only two candidates have agreed to attend Donald Trump's Iowa debate. So Trump's either going to cancel or round out the field with Meat Loaf, Omarosa and Gary Busey.

4. Jimmy Fallon: A man in Russia is filing for divorce, claiming he doesn't remember ever getting married. His name? Vladimir Kardashian.

3. Jay Leno: You know the difference between God and Newt Gingrich? God doesn't think he's Newt Gingrich.

2. Jimmy Fallon: Thank You Notes: Thank you, jukeboxes, for being the easiest way to piss off an entire bar for a dollar.

1. Craig Ferguson: Not a great day for America's Sweetheart, Donald Trump. He's going to have to cancel his big debate because only two candidates have agreed to appear. What he should do is take those two candidates and comb them over so they appear to be more candidates.

The Conscious Catwoman by Julie Newmar

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Thursday, December 8

10. David Letterman: Caucus? He didn't even kiss us.

9. Jay Leno: The Christmas tree lot on Hollywood Blvd. has a needle exchange program.

8. Jimmy Kimmel: Lindsay Lohan is on the cover of the January "Playboy." I plan to steal the issue and then claim that I was just borrowing it.

7. Jay Leno: Americans are going overseas to find jobs. Now people in those countries will find out what it feels like to lose American jobs to foreigners.

6. Jimmy Kimmel guest Jeremy Renner is 40, and his parents just had another baby. "Maybe because I haven't done anything, my dad decided to have his own grandson."

5. Jon Stewart: Jon showed a clip of Bill O'Reilly in Fox News saying, "Now there's no question Jon Stewart is going to hell." Jon: Listen, I watch Fox News 8 hours a day for a living. I'm already in hell."

4. Jimmy Fallon Late Night Hashtags: I got a box of Godiva Chocolates from my in-laws, with my man's ex-wife's name on it. #worstxmasgift

3. Jimmy Fallon: Grandmothers in Florida posed nude for a charity calendar. It's the first calendar ever that you feel the urge to iron.

2. Craig Ferguson: I like my breasts real and my orgasms fake. It's satisfied men for thousands of years, and it's good enough for me.

1. Conan O'Brien: An E! executive said that there could be as many as four new Kardashian shows. Then he added, "Unless our demands are met."

Bossypants by Tina Fey, Little Brown 2011

Page 72 - We were sitting around my house watching MTV one day when a Tina Turner video came on. On the stage behind Tina Turner was a set of giant letters spelling out TINA.
DAWN: Wow. Can you even imagine seeing your name that big?
ME: Yeah, well, that is my name.
DAWN: What? Oh. Yeah.
We could rap like that for hours.

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Wednesday, December 7

10. Jay Leno: It's so cold in L.A. the hookers on Hollywood Blvd. are letting their beards grow out just for the warmth. At the airport TSA agents were frisking 80-year-olds just to warm their hands on the Bengay.

9. David Letterman: Top 10 messages left on Rob Blogjevich's answering machine:
    10. Hey, it's Conrad Murray. 14 years? I didn't get that for murder.
      9. This is your hairstylist. Make sure to condition after each delousing.
      7. Congratulations. I heard you're going to Vail. Wait. Oh never mind.
      6. Hey, it's your new cell mate. Do you like the top or the bottom?
      1. It's the warden. The inmates are asking how much you want for your seat.

8. Conan O'Brien: A Michigan music teacher has removed the word "gay" from "Deck the Halls." Not only that, she's removed "come" from "Here Comes Santa Claus." Here are some more de-gayed carols:
Rudolph, the Red-State Reindeer, Little Drummer Boy (To Whom I Am Not Sexually Attracted); Chest-Vaginas Roasting on an Open Fire; Jingle Breasts; I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, as God Intended; Deck the Halls, and Any of You Nancy-Boys Checking Out My Ass; Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer That Was Sent By God To Punish Her For Attending a Gay Wedding.

7. David Letterman: Rob Blagojevich is going to prison for 14 years, and his barber got the death penalty. Blago got 5 years for corruption and 9 years for appearing on "Celebrity Apprentice." Blago was defiant to the end. He claimed it was all "horseplay."

6. David Letterman: In California a greased-up, naked, 300-lb. bodybuilder was terrorizing a neighborhood. Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

5. Jay Leno: Two more grandmothers claim they were strip searched at JFK. Why are we strip searching grandmas? Even granddads don't do that anymore.

4. Jimmy Fallon: Today is the 19th anniversary of the text message. I can't believe that 20 years ago we didn't have the ability to tell someone, "Hey, I just called you."

3. Craig Ferguson: Alec Baldwin got kicked off a plane yesterday because he refused to turn off his electrical device. The good news is that he freed up 3 seats for standby passengers.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy showed a clip of a newscaster interviewing a man in his dark house where the power had been out for a week. And as the man was complaining the power company wasn't doing anything, the lights came back on.

1. Jimmy Fallon: The world's oldest dog has died in Japan at age 26. Per his request he was cremated and scattered over a stranger's leg.

The Bohemian Girl by Kenneth Cameron, Minotaur Books, 2009

Denton is a famous American author and expatriate in turn-of-the-century London with a reputation for involving himself in murder cases.

Page 265 - She kissed him again. "There's to be a door knocked in the garden wall. For those who want to visit." When he bent to kiss her again, she said, "And there's to be a lock on my side of the door. For those who don't want a visit."

268 - "Well, it's what your people had a rebellion about."
"Revolution. Rebellion is when you lose."

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Tuesday, December 6

10. Jay Leno: Three doctors have written a book called "Stuck Up," with X-rays of items people have shoved up their rectums. If you go to a book signing, bring your own pen.

9. Jimmy Fallon: Pros & Cons of Christmas Specials: Pro: Ebenezer Scrooge got haunted by the Ghost of Christmas Past. Con: Herman Cain got haunted by the Ghost of Mistress Past.

8. Jay Leno: A man was able to survive for 3 days in the Alaskan wilderness on a six-pack of Coor's Light. Luckily he was able to signal rescuers by writing his name in the snow.

7. David Letterman: The Post Office is closing. And I don't trust mail that hasn't been licked.

6. Jimmy Fallon: A woman is trying to get Facebook to unblock her town of Effin, Ireland. But they don't have it nearly as bad as their neighbor, Mother Effin, Ireland.

5. Conan O'Brien: YouTube has redesigned  its site to let you choose among cats, getting hit in the nuts, and cats getting hit in the nuts. Andy Richter: Makes it hard for those of us who like to see people getting hit in the nuts with cats.

4. Jon Stewart: Herman Cain dropped out. Our writers and I were despondent. But sometimes when God closes a door He opens a window. And standing outside that window is a circus peanut wearing a badger. Donald Trump will moderate a Republican debate Dec. 27. Thank you, Jesus.

3. David Letterman: Herman Cain, the Herminator, said "I will not be silent, and I will not go away." Then he shut up and left.

2. Jay Leno: Today Herman Cain again denied allegations of any sexual misconduct and thanked his supporters for their gullibility.

1. Conan O'Brien: The FDA has approved a new Hangover pill. They've also approved a new Hangover 2 pill, which is exactly the same as the first one.

Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson

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Monday, December 5

10. Conan O'Brien: A 10-year-old girl saved her mother's life using things she learned on "Grey's Anatomy." Apparently she used cheesy dialogue and a Sarah McLachlan song.

9. David Letterman: Newt is meeting today with Donald Trump. Insiders say it's consensual. He'd be the first President named Newt. There've been some First Ladies.

8. Jimmy Fallon: The TSA is facing criticism for strip searching an 84-year-old woman at JFK. All the time she was yelling, "Hey, eyes up here [pointing to her own eyes], not down here [pointing to her knees].

7. Jay Leno: Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn't get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White's house.

6. Jimmy Kimmel: When God closes a Herman Cain he opens a Tiger Woods.

5. Jay Leno: Saudi Arabia's highest religious council says allowing women to drive will end virginity. How bumpy are the roads in Saudi Arabia?

4. Jimmy Kimmel: Now that he's back home Herman Cain's wife has a huge to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it.

3. Jay Leno: Larry King wants to be frozen after death. He'll be put in a state known as suspendered animation.

2. Craig Ferguson: It's Repeal Day, the anniversary of the day Prohibition was repealed. Alcohol was illegal from 1919 to 1933. For 14 years there was no karaoke. When they legalized it they quit spending money to keep it down, and huge liquor tax income came pouring in. It got us out of the Depression. If there were only something illegal today that we could tax.

1. Conan O'Brien: In a surprise move, this morning Herman Cain's penis announced it's still in the race.

Apple iPad 2

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Saturday, December 3
Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live

Congress will have a Secret Santa exchange involving both parties. The Democrats will give Republicans a gift. And that's it.

An English crematorium plans to sell energy from cremations to the national grid. So sleep tight, British children. Your night lights are powered by ghosts.

Texas is trying out how to stop wild Mexican donkeys from crossing the border and destroying native plants. So the one time it would work, they haven't thought of putting up a fence.

Saudi Arabian scholars are worried that if women are allowed to drive, within ten years there will be no more virgins in the kingdom. Yikes! How exactly do cars work over there?

Scientists have developed a robot that can recognize itself in a mirror. But it will only be truly human when it learns to hate what it sees.

A man in Ohio has been calling women posing as a doctor and asking intimate questions about how they give themselves breast exams. Then he ends with, "Vote for Herman Cain." )

Friday, December 2
(Only Leno, Fallon & Ferguson live.)