Home / Zingers November 2011
San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd
quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb).
Strange de Jim's
I'll tweet you when the new
O'Brien 5, Leno 3, Fallon 1, Ferguson
1, Stewart 1, Letterman 1
I'll be on vacation until I get
Billions of Virgins updated
and uploaded to Kindle.
Kennedy by Arthur
M. Schlesinger, Jr., Hyperion 2011, with 8 CDs
The texts of 7 interviews
with Jacqueline Kennedy conducted by Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr. in
1964, with copious footnotes to explain the events and the people
mentioned, plus 8 CDs of the actual interviews. Fascinating.
Page 145 - The day after Inauguration Dr.
Travell had my leg up in the air trying to get some kink out of it. I
just couldn't walk. And who burst in the door but Jack and President
Truman, and poor President Truman just turned scarlet. I don't think
he'd ever seen a woman but his wife in bed in a nightgown before. And
so they burst out and then Jack stuck his head in and said, "Can I
bring him in?" And, you know, then we had a very jolly talk there.
Friday, December 16
(Only Letterman, Leno
& Ferguson were live.)
10. David Letterman: Do you people have to be
9. Craig Ferguson: In the movies the chipmunks always break into song.
So when I see a chipmunk in real life I wonder if it can sing. Just
like when I see a gerbil I wonder if it knows Richard Gere.
8. Jay Leno: The candidates all have their position on the Federal
Reserve. Ron Paul is anti-Fed. Mitt Romney is pro-Fed. And Newt
Gingrich is over-Fed.
7. David Letterman: The Golden Globes is fixed. It's a bunch of crap.
And I can say that with confidence because we've never been nominated.
But they say the Golden Globes predict the Oscars. And in a sense they
do, because they're long and boring
6. Jay Leno: A woman in Florida received a transplant of a kidney from
a complete stranger after she posted an ad on Craigslist. It's nice you
can use Craigslist for more than just transvestite prostitutes.
[Looking at the band] Right, guys?
5. David Letterman: It was so cute. Today I saw all the Sidewalk Santas
lined up for their random drug test.
4. David Letterman: The war in Iraq is finally
over. It lasted 9 years. That's 46 Kardashian marriages.
3. Craig Ferguson: "The Artist" got six Golden Globe nominations. It's
a silent movie, where people's mouths move but nothing comes out. It's
like Rick Perry in the debates.
2. Jay Leno: Last night Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. The
difference? Tim Tebow actually has a prayer.
1. David Letterman: Macy's
is open 24 hours a day now. Nothing puts you in the Christmas spirit
like a night-shift Santa.
I Shall Wear
Midnight by Terry Pratchett, Harper 2010
story about young witch Tiffany Aching, who must destroy a horrible
menace before it destroys her. Author Sir Terry Pratchett has sold over
Page 247 - These weren't cheap modern books; these were books bound in
leather, and not just leather, but leather from clever cows who had
given their lives for literature after a happy existence in the very
275 - There is no way that Roland can refuse me now. And besides, I
have a secret weapon: I have the trust and confidence of a young lady
who is soon going to be his wife. No man can be safe in those
Thursday, December 15
(Fallon in reruns.)
10. Jay Leno: The NBA season starts on Christmas,
and then they're going to try to cram 66 games into a much shorter
season. Players may be so tired they're going to have to ADOPT children
out of wedlock.
9. Jay Leno: There's a new, very rare species of monkey found in
Vietnam called the Elvis Monkey because its hair looks like Elvis's.
There are a lot of sightings, but most turn out to just be Elvis
8. Jay Leno: The government used a spy drone to catch a man stealing
cows, and now farmers are worried they're being spied on. Especially
7. Conan O'Brien: Ron Paul doesn't like homogenized milk. And he
doesn't like gay milk either. Andy Richter: I'm also against gay milk.
If you saw the farms where they milk those things, you'd be against it
6. Jon Stewart: Republicans will do anything to keep from having to put
a Mitt Romney sign on their lawns.
5. Conan O'Brien: In Florida a woman got a new kidney after posting an
ad on Craigslist. The weird thing is, she was only looking for a used
4. David Letterman: Ron Paul, of all people, is surging in the polls.
When Mitt said, "My gloves are coming off," Ron Paul said, "OK, my
teeth are coming out." And doctors have confirmed that Ron Paul is
incapable of a sex scandal.
3. Conan O'Brien: In order to pay their way through college, more and
more students are turning to the sex industry. [Crowd applauded.] So,
parents, you should be worried if your kids tell you they were up all
2. Jay Leno showed a clip of Lindsay Lohan as the judge was telling her
that he was very pleased. This time she'd actually done the work and
done it very well. Then the camera panned to the judge reading
Lindsay's January issue of "Playboy."
1. Jay Leno: Newt Gingrich signed a
"no adultery" pledge. Out of habit he signed it John Smith.
Oscar Wilde and
the Vampire Murders by Gyles Brandreth, Simon & Schuster 2011
In 1890 Oscar
Wilde and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle are asked by the Prince of Wales to
solve a murder. Bram Stoker, Anton Dvorak, Lillie Langtry and other
notables become involved.
Page 66 - Oscar said, "All women become like their mothers. That is
their tragedy. No man does. That is his."
67 - "He was never led astray into the path of virtue."
83 - The prince beamed. "When Bagehot's book appeared I gave the Queen
a copy -- specially bound."
"In fatted calf, I presume," said Oscar.
"The one duty we owe history is to rewrite it," said Oscar.
Wednesday, December 14
(Fallon in reruns.)
10. Conan O'Brien prop master Bill Tull: Take a
coffee filter. Stick a bow on it. Boom, Christmas wreath. Take a coffee
filter. Put a bag of marijuana on it. Boom, Peace on Earth.
9. David Letterman: I went into FAO Schwarz and asked if they had
something an 8-year-old might like, and the clerk said, "How about your
8. Jay Leno: Men are now going to their barber and asking for a Mitt.
Then they go to the girl on the corner and ask for a Herman Cain.
7. Craig Ferguson: I think for her "Most Fascinating" list Barbara
Walters needs a little bit of a spanking for two reasons. One, she's
appealing to the lowest common denominator to get ratings, and two, I
like spanking women over 70.
6. Jimmy Kimmel: Christine O'Donnell, who used to be a witch, endorsed
Mitt Romney, and she said, "He's been consistent since he changed his
mind." Can't argue with that.
5. Jay Leno: The "New York Post" says when Derek Jeeter has a one-night
stand he sends the girl home with a gift basket of signed memorabilia.
So if you're a baseball fan, and this Christmas your girlfriend gives a
baseball signed by Derek Jeeter ...
4. Craig Ferguson: One of Barbara Walters' most fascinating people was
Pippa Middleton. Because what's more fascinating than being the sister
of someone who's famous for marrying someone who's famous for just
being born? But Pippa's also famous for having an ass that looks great
in a dress. Which is another reason I should be on that list.
3. Conan O'Brien: This year if you want to give a gift that definitely
won't be returned, give a U.S. spy drone. Andy Richter: That joke would
have killed in Tehran.
2. David Letterman: Jimmy Fallon is just waiting for Leno to die.
1. Conan O'Brien: Very
interesting that Barbara Walters always lands
all 10 of the year's most fascinating people.
Sh*t My Dad Says
by Justin Halpern, !tbooks 2010
Page 130 - Because I had barely any concept of
what Los Angeles was like, I was met with a few surprises when I
arrived -- the first during my first night in the apartment. I learned
that I shared a bedroom wall with our neighbors when I got into my old
queen-size bed and hear the sounds of loud, passionate lovemaking
coming through the thin stucco wall. I had never seen my neighbors
before, but I had watched my fair share of porn, so immediately I
envisioned a blond bombshell with huge breasts getting it on with a
faceless man. My visual, paired with the live soundtrack, got me so
excited that after listening for a few minutes I popped into my desktop
computer the only porn DVD I owned and rubbed one out before dozing
off. The next day, I walked out of my apartment just as my sexually
active neighbors were strolling out of theirs.
"Hi, I'm Steven. This is my partner, Lucas," my neighbor said to me,
introducing his larger male companion.
Hey. I'm Justin. I just jerked off
last night to you and your boyfriend having sex, thinking you were a
woman, and now I'm feeling fairly insecure about my sexuality, I
I told them it was nice to meet them.
Tuesday, December 13
(Fallon in reruns.)
10. Jay Leno: Rick Perry was interviewed in a
library, and they placed special books that were kind of mean: "Runnin'
Texas for Dummies," "Supreme Court for Dummies," "Dumb & Dumber for
9. Craig Ferguson: Today is Ice Cream Day. I spent all morning in bed
with Chubby Hubby Then we went to get ice cream.
8. Jay Leno: The world's tiniest baby, born in 2004 weighing only 9.6
ounces, is now thriving and entering school as a typical first grader
at 239 pounds.
7. David Letterman: Michele Bachmann is picking running mates. That's
like the Colts picking out Super Bowl rings.
6. Craig Ferguson: A woman in Washington, D.C. was kicked out of the
DMV for breast feeding. That's outrageous! When did women start getting
5. Jimmy Kimmel: Kwanzaa seems to have lost steam since Obama was
4. Jay Leno: An Alabama anti-gay politician has been leading a secret
life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples. This is a classic case of
the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing. But he was
making money hand over fist.
3. David Letterman: At the Trump Tower they always put a star on top of
the Christmas tree. This year it's Tom Cruise.
2. David Letterman: I asked the salesclerk at Bloomingdale's if he had
something for my wife, and he said, "Nothing but pity."
1. Conan O'Brien: Someone
threw shoes at Iranian president Ahmahdinejad. Iran has captured the
shoes and is studying their technology.
A Study in
Sherlock Edited by Laurie R. King and Leslie S. Klinger, Bantam
Twenty best-selling, award-winning mystery
writers wrote Sherlock Holmes stories. I especially like the one where
Sherlock is asked to fake President McKinley's assassination.
Monday, December 12
(Fallon in reruns.)
10. Stephen Colbert hung his mistletoe on a
9. Jay Leno: Salma Hayek said when she was a young girl she put her
hands in holy water and asked for big boobs. And you thought turning
water into wine was a neat trick.
8. Craig Ferguson: Lamar Odom has been traded to Dallas, so he has to
move there with his wife Khloe Kardashian. So we're losing a big strong
ball handler AND Lamar Odom.
7. David Letterman: Barbara Walter's 10 Most Fascinating People is
coming up. Herman Cain is one of them, but of course he denies it.
6. Jimmy Kimmel: I asked parents to tell their kids they could open one
present early, and then give them something they knew they wouldn't
like, and send the video to us. [One of the videos had the mother
saying, "Well, Jimmy Kimmel told me to do it." The little kid said,
"Well, tell him to suck my balls."]
5. Jay Leno: The average sex act lasts 7 minutes. So why do we have to
pay for the whole hour?
4. Craig Ferguson: Sometimes packages get lost in the mail. You're
expecting something wonderful, and you wait and wait and nothing comes.
It's like voting for Obama.
3. Jimmy Kimmel: Steve Guttenberg got a star on the Hollywood Walk of
Fame today, and it rained all day. Coincidence?
2. Conan O'Brien: Lamar Odom of the Lakers was traded to Dallas for a
first-round draft pick. Also, his wife Khloe Kardashian was traded to
New Jersey for two Real Housewives.
1. Jon Stewart
correspondent John Oliver: Rick Perry doesn't have an Achilles heel. He
has an Achilles head.
Terry Pratchett. Harper 2011
Sir Terry Pratchett was knighted by Queen
Elizabeth in 2009. His novels have sold more than 75,000,000 copies and
are pure delight.
Page 7 - It was a conspiracy. Why did they never find a vegetable that
was bad for you, hey?
14 - "Yes, but --" Vimes began, but his wife silenced him with a smile.
She had a special smile for these occasions; it was warm and friendly
and carved out of rock.
22 - You COULD fish in the river Ankh, provided you took care not to
catch anything. In fact it was amazing what you could catch by just
letting one drop of the Ankh pass your lips.
Friday, December 9
Fallon & Ferguson live.)
10. David Letterman: Illinois is the only state
where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate
was made by a previous governor.
9. Jay Leno: A woman was arrested for actually cooking meth inside a
Walmart. The worst part, the meth was the only item in that Walmart
made in America.
8. Craig Ferguson: A postal worker in Britain was arrested for stealing
penis enlargement pills he was supposed to deliver. He would have
gotten away with it if it weren't for those tight little postal shorts.
7. David Letterman: Earlier today Newt Gingrich was endorsed by
the voices in Glenn Beck's head. Newt has a holiday book out. "The Newt
6. Jay Leno: An Islamic cleric in Europe has issued a ban on women
touching bananas and other fruits and vegetables that look like a
penis. Isn't it going to be worse to watch them trying to eat a banana
without using their hands?
5. Jay Leno: Only two candidates have agreed to attend Donald Trump's
Iowa debate. So Trump's either going to cancel or round out the field
with Meat Loaf, Omarosa and Gary Busey.
4. Jimmy Fallon: A man in Russia is filing for divorce, claiming he
doesn't remember ever getting married. His name? Vladimir Kardashian.
3. Jay Leno: You know the difference between God and Newt Gingrich? God
doesn't think he's Newt Gingrich.
2. Jimmy Fallon: Thank You Notes: Thank you, jukeboxes, for being the
easiest way to piss off an entire bar for a dollar.
1. Craig Ferguson: Not a
great day for America's Sweetheart, Donald Trump. He's going to have to
cancel his big debate because only two candidates have agreed to
appear. What he should do is take those two candidates and comb them
over so they appear to be more candidates.
by Julie Newmar
Thursday, December 8
10. David Letterman: Caucus? He didn't even kiss
9. Jay Leno: The Christmas tree lot on Hollywood Blvd. has a needle
8. Jimmy Kimmel: Lindsay Lohan is on the cover of the January
"Playboy." I plan to steal the issue and then claim that I was just
7. Jay Leno: Americans are going overseas to find jobs. Now people in
those countries will find out what it feels like to lose American jobs
6. Jimmy Kimmel guest Jeremy Renner is 40, and his parents just had
another baby. "Maybe because I haven't done anything, my dad decided to
have his own grandson."
5. Jon Stewart: Jon showed a clip of Bill O'Reilly in Fox News saying,
"Now there's no question Jon Stewart is going to hell." Jon: Listen, I
watch Fox News 8 hours a day for a living. I'm already in hell."
4. Jimmy Fallon Late Night Hashtags: I got a box of Godiva Chocolates
from my in-laws, with my man's ex-wife's name on it. #worstxmasgift
3. Jimmy Fallon: Grandmothers in Florida posed nude for a charity
calendar. It's the first calendar ever that you feel the urge to iron.
2. Craig Ferguson: I like my breasts real and my orgasms fake. It's
satisfied men for thousands of years, and it's good enough for me.
1. Conan O'Brien: An E!
executive said that there could be as many as four new Kardashian
shows. Then he added, "Unless our demands are met."
by Tina Fey, Little Brown 2011
Page 72 - We were sitting around my house
watching MTV one day when a Tina Turner video came on. On the stage
behind Tina Turner was a set of giant letters spelling out TINA.
DAWN: Wow. Can you even imagine seeing your name that big?
ME: Yeah, well, that is my name.
DAWN: What? Oh. Yeah.
We could rap like that for hours.
Wednesday, December 7
10. Jay Leno: It's so cold in L.A. the hookers on
Hollywood Blvd. are letting their beards grow out just for the warmth.
At the airport TSA agents were frisking 80-year-olds just to warm their
hands on the Bengay.
9. David Letterman: Top 10 messages left on Rob Blogjevich's answering
10. Hey, it's Conrad Murray. 14 years? I didn't get
that for murder.
9. This is your hairstylist. Make sure
to condition after each delousing.
7. Congratulations. I heard you're going
to Vail. Wait. Oh never mind.
6. Hey, it's your new cell mate. Do you
like the top or the bottom?
1. It's the warden. The inmates are
asking how much you want for your seat.
8. Conan O'Brien: A Michigan music teacher has removed the word "gay"
from "Deck the Halls." Not only that, she's removed "come" from "Here
Comes Santa Claus." Here are some more de-gayed carols:
Rudolph, the Red-State Reindeer, Little Drummer Boy (To Whom I Am Not
Sexually Attracted); Chest-Vaginas Roasting on an Open Fire; Jingle
Breasts; I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, as God Intended; Deck the
Halls, and Any of You Nancy-Boys Checking Out My Ass; Grandma Got Run
Over By a Reindeer That Was Sent By God To Punish Her For Attending a
7. David Letterman: Rob Blagojevich is going to prison for 14 years,
and his barber got the death penalty. Blago got 5 years for corruption
and 9 years for appearing on "Celebrity Apprentice." Blago was defiant
to the end. He claimed it was all "horseplay."
6. David Letterman: In California a greased-up, naked, 300-lb.
bodybuilder was terrorizing a neighborhood. Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.
5. Jay Leno: Two more grandmothers claim they were strip searched at
JFK. Why are we strip searching grandmas? Even granddads don't do that
4. Jimmy Fallon: Today is the 19th anniversary of the text message. I
can't believe that 20 years ago we didn't have the ability to tell
someone, "Hey, I just called you."
3. Craig Ferguson: Alec Baldwin got kicked off a plane yesterday
because he refused to turn off his electrical device. The good news is
that he freed up 3 seats for standby passengers.
2. Jimmy Kimmel: Jimmy showed a clip of a newscaster interviewing a man
in his dark house where the power had been out for a week. And as the
man was complaining the power company wasn't doing anything, the lights
came back on.
1. Jimmy Fallon: The
world's oldest dog has died in Japan at age 26. Per his request he was
cremated and scattered over a stranger's leg.
Girl by Kenneth Cameron, Minotaur Books, 2009
Denton is a
famous American author and expatriate in turn-of-the-century London
with a reputation for involving himself in murder cases.
Page 265 - She kissed him again. "There's to be a door knocked in the
garden wall. For those who want to visit." When he bent to kiss her
again, she said, "And there's to be a lock on my side of the door. For
those who don't want a visit."
268 - "Well, it's what your people had a rebellion about."
"Revolution. Rebellion is when you lose."
Tuesday, December 6
10. Jay Leno: Three doctors have written a book
called "Stuck Up," with X-rays of items people have shoved up their
rectums. If you go to a book signing, bring your own pen.
9. Jimmy Fallon: Pros & Cons of Christmas Specials: Pro: Ebenezer
Scrooge got haunted by the Ghost of Christmas Past. Con: Herman Cain
got haunted by the Ghost of Mistress Past.
8. Jay Leno: A man was able to survive for 3 days in the Alaskan
wilderness on a six-pack of Coor's Light. Luckily he was able to signal
rescuers by writing his name in the snow.
7. David Letterman: The Post Office is closing. And I don't trust mail
that hasn't been licked.
6. Jimmy Fallon: A woman is trying to get Facebook to unblock her town
of Effin, Ireland. But they don't have it nearly as bad as their
neighbor, Mother Effin, Ireland.
5. Conan O'Brien: YouTube has redesigned its site to let you
choose among cats, getting hit in the nuts, and cats getting hit in the
nuts. Andy Richter: Makes it hard for those of us who like to see
people getting hit in the nuts with cats.
4. Jon Stewart: Herman Cain dropped out. Our writers and I were
despondent. But sometimes when God closes a door He opens a window. And
standing outside that window is a circus peanut wearing a badger.
Donald Trump will moderate a Republican debate Dec. 27. Thank you,
3. David Letterman: Herman Cain, the Herminator, said "I will not be
silent, and I will not go away." Then he shut up and left.
2. Jay Leno: Today Herman Cain again denied allegations of any sexual
misconduct and thanked his supporters for their gullibility.
1. Conan O'Brien: The FDA
has approved a new Hangover pill. They've also approved a new Hangover
2 pill, which is exactly the same as the first one.
by Walter Isaacson
Monday, December 5
10. Conan O'Brien: A 10-year-old girl saved her
mother's life using things she learned on "Grey's Anatomy." Apparently
she used cheesy dialogue and a Sarah McLachlan song.
9. David Letterman: Newt is meeting today with Donald Trump. Insiders
say it's consensual. He'd be the first President named Newt. There've
been some First Ladies.
8. Jimmy Fallon: The TSA is facing criticism for strip searching an
84-year-old woman at JFK. All the time she was yelling, "Hey, eyes up
here [pointing to her own eyes], not down here [pointing to her knees].
7. Jay Leno: Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his
campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn't get a
date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the
White House was spending the night at Ginger White's house.
6. Jimmy Kimmel: When God closes a Herman Cain he opens a Tiger Woods.
5. Jay Leno: Saudi Arabia's highest religious council says allowing
women to drive will end virginity. How bumpy are the roads in Saudi
4. Jimmy Kimmel: Now that he's back home Herman Cain's wife has a huge
to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it.
3. Jay Leno: Larry King wants to be frozen after death. He'll be put in
a state known as suspendered animation.
2. Craig Ferguson: It's Repeal Day, the anniversary of the day
Prohibition was repealed. Alcohol was illegal from 1919 to 1933. For 14
years there was no karaoke. When they legalized it they quit spending
money to keep it down, and huge liquor tax income came pouring in. It
got us out of the Depression. If there were only something illegal
today that we could tax.
1. Conan O'Brien: In a
surprise move, this morning Herman Cain's penis
announced it's still in the race.
Apple iPad 2
Saturday, December 3
Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live
Congress will have a Secret Santa exchange
involving both parties. The Democrats will give Republicans a gift. And
An English crematorium plans to sell energy from cremations to the
national grid. So sleep tight, British children. Your night lights are
powered by ghosts.
Texas is trying out how to stop wild Mexican donkeys from crossing the
border and destroying native plants. So the one time it would work,
they haven't thought of putting up a fence.
Saudi Arabian scholars are worried that if women are allowed to drive,
within ten years there will be no more virgins in the kingdom. Yikes!
How exactly do cars work over there?
Scientists have developed a robot that can recognize itself in a
mirror. But it will only be truly human when it learns to hate what it
A man in Ohio has been calling women posing as a doctor and asking
intimate questions about how they give themselves breast exams. Then he
ends with, "Vote for Herman Cain." )
Friday, December 2
Fallon & Ferguson live.)
Ferguson: Herman Cain said if his wife wants him to quit the race he
will. However, technically, his wife's vote can be overruled by a
simple majority of his mistresses.
9. Jimmy Fallon: People with gmail accounts have the best credit, while
people with yahoo and hotmail accounts have the worst credit. Or as
people with aol put it, "What's credit?"
8. Jay Leno: There's a campaign to have pole dancing added as an
Olympic sport. It would be the only sport with a 2-drink minimum. Gold
Medal winners would then be allowed to perform in the VIP lounge.
7. Jay Leno: 97 m.p.h. winds in L.A. It was so windy police at U.C.
Davis had to take the students inside to pepper spray them. Birds just
stayed in their bird houses and tweeted each other.
6. Jay Leno: Today President Obama met with leaders of all the Native
American tribes and promised to help them with their problems, such as
5. Craig Ferguson: In L.A. we're getting a Harry Potter Theme Park.
Some of the rides are Harry Potter and the Botox of Fire, Harry Potter
and the Deathly Smog, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Crips, and Harry
Potter and the Chamber of Commerce.
4. Jimmy Fallon: A police officer in Florida may lose her job for
trying to cast a spell on her boss. When asked for comment her boss
3. Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, candy canes, for being the world's most
sucked-on kind of cane. Well, besides this one. [Photo of Herman Cain]
2. Jimmy Fallon: Flava Flav and Gary Busey will appear on "Celebrity
Wife Swap." Flava Flav will become disappointed when he learns Gary
Busey's wife is just a mop wearing a dress.
1. Jay Leno: Britney
Spears is 30. Seems like only yesterday she was that fresh-faced,
bald-headed girl with no panties getting out of the limo.
Thursday, December 1
(Letterman in reruns.)
Kimmel: Guillermo's kid weighed 9 pounds 3 ounces, but a lot of that
was baby weight.
9. Jimmy Kimmel: No one in the media is giving Herman Cain credit for
having been faithful to the same mistress for 13 years.
8. Jimmy Kimmel: Without TV, Snooki would have to go vomiting door to
7. Jay Leno: I saw Occupy people in a supermarket protesting 1% milk.
6. Stephen Colbert: Stephen Colbert: Have you slept with Herman Cain?
Siri: I was young, and I needed the job.
5. Conan O'Brien: In Utah a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his
shotgun. The dog said, "Sorry, but you DID cut off my balls."
4. Jay Leno: Ringling Brothers is paying a $270,000 fine for
mistreating animals rather than taking it to court and having it turn
into a 3-ring circus.
3. Jimmy Fallon: Late Night Hashtags: #newholidaysongs: "Oops! I
2. Craig Ferguson: The wind in L.A. blew so hard it was mistaken for
1. Jay Leno: 97 m.p.h.
winds in L.A. It was so windy I saw a KIA going uphill.
Thursday, December 1: Jay Leno: 97
m.p.h. winds in L.A. It was so windy I saw a KIA going uphill.
Friday, December 2: Jay Leno:
Britney Spears is 30. Seems like
only yesterday she was that fresh-faced, bald-headed girl with no
panties getting out of the limo.
Monday, December 5: Conan O'Brien: In a surprise move, this morning
Herman Cain's penis announced it's still in the race.
Tuesday, December 6: Conan O'Brien: The FDA approved a new Hangover
pill. They've also approved a new Hangover 2 pill, which is exactly the
same as the first one.
Wednesday, December 7: Jimmy Fallon: The world's oldest dog has died in
Japan at age 26. Per his request he was cremated and scattered over a
Thursday, December 8: Conan O'Brien: An E! executive said that there
could be as many as four new Kardashian shows. Then he added, "Unless
our demands are met.
Friday, December 9: Craig Ferguson: Not a great day for America's
Sweetheart, Donald Trump. He's going to have to cancel his big debate
because only two candidates have agreed to appear. Wht he should do is
take those two candidates and comb them over so they appear to be more
Monday, December 12: Jon Stewart correspondent John Oliver: Rick Perry
doesn't have an Achilles heel. He has an Achilles head.
Tuesday, December 13: Conan O'Brien: Someone threw shoes at Iranian
president Ahmahdinejad. Iran has captured the shoes and is studying
Wednesday, December 14: Conan O'Brien: Very interesting that Barbara
Walters always lands all 10 of the year's most fascinting people.
Thursday, December 15: Jay Leno: Newt Gingrich signed a "no adultery"
pledge. Out of habit he signed it John Smith.
Friday, December 16: David Letterman: Macy's is open 24 hours now.
Nothing puts you in the Christmas spirit like a night-shift Santa.
For each day's top
10 late-night zingers follow me on Twitter
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What's the secret of True Love, and does it
really conquer all? Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of
Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007
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