December
Strangies:
Leno 5, O'Brien 5, Letterman 3, Fallon 2, Ferguson
1,
Kimmel 1
Friday,
December
24, thru Friday, December 31, all shows in reruns.
Happy Holidaze!!!
Thursday,
December
23
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)
10. Conan O'Brien: Religious conservatives are
very upset at the TSA's new patdown procedures. Most upset are Catholic
priests, who keep saying, "You're doing it wrong."
9. Conan O'Brien: Televangelist pat Robertson has come out in favor of
decriminalizing marijuana. Evidently Robertson just got to the part of
"The Bible" where Jesus tells the Apostles to "just chill." It's in the
book of Duderonomy.
8. Conan O'Brien: There's a smart phone app that tells you how drunk
you are. Not only that, it tells you where your pants are and why
Brenda left you.
7. Jay Leno: Evangelist Pat Robertson says he favors legalizing
marijuana. The 700 Club is becoming the 420 Club. If this doesn't get
Miley Cyrus back to church, nothing will.
6. David Letterman: "True Grit" is about a cantankerous grizzled
old drunk. Do you like cantankerous grizzled old drunks? Of course you
do. You're here. The movie's about a partnership between a young girl
and an old Civil War veteran. It's like Larry King and his wife.
5. David Letterman: Big celebrity birthday coming up! Jesus.
4. jimmy Fallon: A man in Texas last night lost control of his car and
ran it up on George Bush's lawn. It could have been worse. He could
have lost control of the whole economy and run it into the ground.
3. Craig Ferguson: We have secret Santa here at CBS, and I like to
figure out who my Santa is. But this year it was too easy. The
first day I got cocaine. Second day I found a hooker in my closet.
That's right. My secret Santa was Andy Rooney.
2. Craig Ferguson: When I was growing up we'd put out a plate of
cookies and a glass of whiskey for Santa. And the next morning my Dad's
breath would smell of cookies and whiskey. But I was about 8 before it
dawned on me, Dad had been making out with Santa.
1. Conan O'Brien: China
has just opened the first all-robot-waiter restaurant. The sad part is
that they were designed to be robot actors. [In robot voice] "I'm just
doing this for now."
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon gives the
entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have
discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.
Page 23 - There were also harmful bacteria,
responsible for scourges such as syphillis, leprosy and yogurt. Our
bodies contained ten times as many bacterial cells as human cells. What
can we say? We loved to entertain.
Was it alive? Fetus: Arguments for: Oh boy, here we go. Arguments
against: Seriously. We're not getting into this right now.
.
Wednesday,
December
22
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)
10. Craig Ferguson: Another big toy this year is
the Singamajig. It's just a little furry creature that sings when you
squeeze it. If you can't find one, just get your kid a Jonas Brother.
9. David Letterman: Los Angeles is having rain and rain and more rain,
and it's causing mudslides. On the other hand, it's nice to see L.A.
real estate moving again.
8. Jimmy Fallon: E-mail use among senior citizens increased 17% last
year. Or as grandkids put it, "Kill me now."
7. David Letterman: I'm ready for Christmas. I hung a "No Carolers"
sign on the electric fence and put a wreath on the door of the panic
room.
6. Jay Leno: A 103-year-old British grandmother is believed to be the
world's oldest Facebook user. She believes you're never too old to
waste what little time you have left. The bad news, one of her friends
poked her, broke her hip.
5. Conan O'Brien: A new video tells the story of Baby Jesus as though
there were Facebook back then. Joseph describes his relationship with
the Virgin Mary as 'It's complicated."
4. Conan O'Brien: This morning President Obama signed the repeal
of Don't Ask Don't Tell into law. He would have signed it last night,
but supporters of the bill didn't want to miss last night's episode of
"Glee."
3. David Letterman: Imagining Donald Trump flying on Jet Blue is like
trying to imagine Sarah Palin flying on Air Force One.
2. Jay Leno: Shania Twain is engaged to the ex-husband of the woman her
husband left her for in 2008. She says it's because she wants to write
the greatest country song EVER.
1. Jimmy Fallon: Another
actor was injured in "Spiderman, the Musical"
when he fell 30 feet into the orchestra pit. At this point they're not
going to change anything. They're just going to rename the show
"Jackass 4."
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon gives the
entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have
discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.
Page 22 - DNA was the genetic blueprint in
every cell of every living thing that contained precise instructions
for how to make the next generation. We came to rely on DNA tracing to
help us understand who we really were, often receiving the results
during the "Maury Povich Show." [Code] This is the genetic code for the
mischievous twinkle behind George Clooney's eyes. If you replicate
nothing else, replicate this.
.
Tuesday,
December 21
(Stewart,
Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)
10. Jay Leno:
In Washington President Obama got into bed with the Republicans just
for the warmth.
9. Jay Leno: President Obama is ahead of Sarah Palin 54% to 39% in a
potential match-up. You know what this mean? John McCain could get
Barack Obama elected twice.
8. Jay Leno: Did you ever think how embarrassing it must have been for
the other two Wise Men after the first one gave the Baby Jesus gold.
"Uh, here's some incense. Smell this."
7. Craig Ferguson: Today is the winter solstice. It's the shortest day
of the year, so congratulations, midgets.
6. David Letterman: Last night's audience, after this show they went
out and booed the lunar eclipse. And don't you hate it when you're
watching an eclipse and you get stuck behind somebody in a big hat?
5. Conan O'Brien: A theater in Chicago is staging a version of Dickens'
"A Christmas Carol" where the actors are all Klingons. It honors the
true meaning of Christmas, since the audience is full of virgins.
4. David Letterman: The Pilgrims landed on this date in 1620. The first
year they lost everything they had, in an Indian casino.
3. Conan O'Brien: In Germany an airport hired clowns to entertain
grumpy passengers whose flights had been delayed. None of the clowns
survived.
2. David Letterman: Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry
because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin
believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin
believes SHE should tell us what to do.
1. Jay Leno:
Congratulations to Shania Twain. She's engaged to the ex-husband of the
woman her husband left her for in 2008. Now that's what I call
regifting.
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon gives the
entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have
discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.
Page 21 - You want biodiversity? We've got
biodiversity out the ass. (Seriously. Nearly all Earth creatures were
host to some from of rectal parasite.)
Living creatures react to stimuli. A simple test of responsiveness was
known as the "stick poke." Negative results led to toe-nudging,
cautious sniffing and "peeing on it." Positive results led to running
away.
Reproduction: All living creatures were defined by their ability not
only to propagate their species, but to giggle uncomfortably when shown
pictures of other creatures doing it.
.
Monday,
December 20
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)
10. Craig
Ferguson: They say you should give your mailman a tip, so every year I
tell him, "Wear shorter shorts. You've got the legs for it."
9. David Letterman: It was so busy at the mall, hand to God, I actually
saw a customer in the Radio Shack.
8. Jimmy Fallon: Because of snow and ice London's Heathrow Airport had
to cancel so many flights it changed its name to LaGuardia.
7. Craig Ferguson: Postal workers work so hard at this time of year
it's important to show you appreciate them. That's why I always greet
the postman with a warm smile and an open robe.
6. Jimmy Fallon: Last night on "Sarah Palin's Alaska," the Palins went
white water rafting with a guide named Mudflap. It was such an odd name
Sarah Palin asked, "Are you sure you're not one of my kids?"
5. David Letterman: Congress repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell. The
Pentagon can now start production on "Iraq the Musical."
4. Jay Leno: A survey found men spend twice as much on their mistresses
for Christmas as they do on their wives. Then the men spend half their
income on their wives once they find out about the mistresses. So it
all balances out.
3. Conan O'Brien: It's been raining here in L.A. ever since Larry King
went off the air. God is angry. "I went to school with him. He was my
last friend on television."
2. Conan O'Brien: A women's sanitary products company has released a
new ad campaign saying their product will protect you from wikileaks.
At least it's better than their last slogan: "Caps your spill faster
than BP."
1. David Letterman: Now if
you're in the military and want to engage in gay activity you just have
to fill out the HB-290 Homosexual Behavior Requisition Form.
Special Report: Top 5 Seth
Meyers comments on "SNL Weekend Update"
5. Archaeologists in China found a
pot of 2,400-year-old soup, proving that even the ancient Chinese had
trouble throwing out leftover Chinese.
4. China has a restaurant with robots as waiters, which is what China
should be working on, ways to make their 10 trillion people unnecessary.
3. Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds have separated, which is
unfortunate, since they're probably the only people who have a chance
with either one.
2. "Jersey Shores" Snooki will be in a ball dropped in Times Square on
New Years Eve. I'm guessing this won't be the first party where a
drunken Snooki goes down on something while people cheer.
1. Don't Ask Don't Tell
was repealed in the Senate today, with 65 Senators voting "Yea" and 31
voting "I'm old."
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon gives the
entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have
discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.
Page 19 - FAQs (Future Alien Questions) Q.
Any advice on avoiding natural disasters? A. Try leading blameless
lives, free of sin. If disaster strikes anyway, blame gay aliens. (You
can call them "galiens.")
Q. By the way, we noticed several regions where millions of gallons of
oil burst forth from the bottom of the ocean and destroyed hundreds of
miles of coastline. Were those natural disasters? A. ... yes. Yes. It
sure was terrible, when nature did that to us.
.
Friday,
December 17
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon
& Ferguson live)
10. Craig
Ferguson: On TV bears look nice and cuddly, but in real life they're
dangerous and unpredictable. Like Katie Couric. You see her in real
life, she will maul you. My honeypot still has paw marks.
9. Jay Leno guest Owen Wilson said his brother Andrew was just bitten
on the foot by a shark. Jay asked if Owen would now be wary about going
in the ocean. "No. Though I will think twice about skinny dipping."
8. Craig Ferguson: Bears are the sharks of the forest. Worse than
sharks. If a shark attacks you it's because he mistook you for
something else, like a seal. But a bear will claw you just for the fun
of it. At least they do in the clubs I go to.
7. Jay Leno: In just a week from tonight kids all over L.A. will be
visited by the man who comes once a year with presents, their real
father.
6. David Letterman: This is the first time I'm announcing this, so
you're going to hear a lot of swooning. For the Christmas holiday
season I'm going to let the staff make eye contact with me.
5. Jimmy Fallon: Have you heard of this new psychedelic drug Salvia? A
Canadian DJ smoked it and did his whole show drugged up, or as Rush
Limbaugh put it, copycat.
4. Jay Leno: A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A
lot of people couldn't make it because their company is in India.
3. David Letterman: It's $1,000 a month now to park your car in New
York City. It would be cheaper to send your car to college.
2. Jay Leno: In Boca Raton, Florida, a vending machine dispenses
24-carat gold bars. This is for retirees who feel they're not already a
big enough target for muggers.
1. Jimmy Fallon: Southwest Airlines may soon
be offering international flights, which would answer the age-old
question: What would it be like to take a bus across the Atlantic?
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon gives the
entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have
discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.
Page 13 - Things We Liked: Our Stuffed
Crust: Early on we figured out that many of our greatest treasures on
Earth were actually IN it. Getting to these valuable substances was a
dirty, nasty business, ripe for human and natural exploitation. So was
processing them. So was distributing them. So was using them. So were
the aftereffects. Anyway, these were four of our favorites.
1. Coal: Where we found it: Hundreds of feet below blue-collar working
class mining towns. Where you'll (still) find it: Power plants,
smelting plants, anywhere without actual plants. Odd applications:
Letting Christian kids know they were naughty.
2. Diamonds: Where you'll (still) find them: 47th Street between 5th
and 6th. Why we liked them: Rare, shiny and extraordinarily
well-marketed.
3. Oil: What we used it for: Fueling our vehicles; heating our homes;
setting our foreign policy; lubricating our wildlife. What we'd do for
it: Invade sovereign nations; befriend enemies construct enormous
platforms in oceans; ignore incontrovertible scientific evidence; live
in Texas.
4. Gold: What it was: 79 protons and 118 neutrons worth of pure
sunshine. Where we found it: By total coincidence, anywhere native
peoples had yet to hear the Good Word of Jesus Christ.
.
Thursday,
December 16
10. Jay Leno:
Larry KIng is stepping down after 40,000 interviews, 7 wives and 1
sister-in-law.
9. Jay Leno: Colorado is going to
make men
caught with prostitutes take a class in prostitution. "First thing is,
we only have the classroom for an hour." What do they teach them? Watch
out for the adam's apple? Charlie Sheen took the class. Now he's going
for his PhD.
8. Jay Leno: Al Qaeda is said to be planning Christmas attacks in the
U.S. and Europe. The U.S. sprang into action, telling Al Qaeda, "You
can't call them Christmas attacks. You have to call them holiday
attacks."
7. David Letterman: The Yankees offered Cliff Lee $200 million, and I
said, whoa, that's Mrs. Tiger Woods money. But he turned it down. The
Yankees really wanted the guy. At the end they were even willing to
throw in Kate Hudson.
6. Conan O'Brien: Ex-President Jimmy Carter said someday soon Americans
could elect a gay President. Then he winked, put on some lipstick and
said, "Or maybe they already did, girlfriend."
5. Jimmy Fallon: The Obamas had their dog Bo sign their Christmas card
with a paw print, but Bo only agreed to do it after Obama extended the
Bush-era treats policy.
4. Craig Ferguson: A woman in Wales is 103, and she's the world's
oldest Facebook user. Which just goes to show you, you're never too old
to waste your precious time here on Earth.
3. Craig Ferguson: [Jimmy Fallon sent Craig a Christmas
sweater] Jimmy Fallon is wonderful, and he can knit like 12 gay men!
[It had Jimmy and Craig's faces on it.] Thank you, Jimmy. I can't think
of anyone I'd rather be against at this time of night.
2. Jimmy Kimmel: Larry King had his last show tonight. He's going into
semi-retirement. He said he wanted to spend more time with his son
Regis. At the end of the show he didn't say goodbye. He said so long.
Then he clapped twice, and off went the lights.
1. David Letterman:
Tonight was Larry King's last show. In a tearful moment he denied being
a lesbian. Anyway, chalk up another kill for Jay Leno.
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon gives the
entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have
discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.
Page 10 : Places to See: The Pyramids of
Giza: Relics of the golden age of funeral directing.
Places to See: Mt. Kilimanjaro: Brown on the bottom, white on the top.
Just like all of Africa used to be.
13 - Global warming threatened the delicate balance of life on earth,
causing millions to pretend to change the way they live.
.
Wednesday,
December 15
10. Conan
O'Brien: Today President Obama met with a group of top CEOs to discuss
creating new jobs. They said they'd see what they could do and then all
went back to China.
9. Jon Stewart: A new Barbie Doll has a video camera, and there's fear
predators may get little girls to video themselves. This is definitely
the creepiest toy since Get in the Van Elmo.
8. Jay Leno: Two feet of snow in the Midwest, but these are the first
shovel-ready jobs Obama has come up with. It was so cold in
Minneapolis, Brett Favre was texting pictures of his chestnuts roasting
over an open fire.
7. Jon Stewart: Once a man named Ted Turner had a dream, to make love
to 15 cheerleaders simultaneously on top of a dead buffalo. He gave up
on that dream and founded CNN.
6. David Letterman: It was so cold here today that Regis Philbin was
wearing his North Face moneybelt.
5. Jay Leno: A mailman has been arrested in Wisconsin for delivering
mail in the nude. Talk about junk mail! He must be a pretty confident
guy. In Wisconsin in December you're not going to be looking your best.
4. Craig Ferguson: Larry King has been married more times than Henry
the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them.
"Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived." With Larry I
think it goes, "Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian,
disappeared, inflatable."
3. Jimmy Fallon: According to census data, Falls Church, Virginia, is
the best educated place in America. Least educated? Sarah Palin's
Alaska.
2. Jimmy Kimmel: It's so cold in New York people have been flipping
each other the mitten.
1. Conan O'Brien: The
Marine Corps' top general suggested allowing gay soldiers on the
battlefield would pose a distraction. Especially the really hot ones.
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon gives the
entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have
discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.
Page 8 - Places to See: Mykonos: Nowhere on
earth would have been more receptive to your anal probing.
Page 9 - Places to See: Taj Mahal: The ultimate testament to the
eternal love between a man and his favorite wife.
.
Tuesday,
December 14
10. David
Letterman: On Oprah's show from Australia, Hugh Jackman was making a
spectacular entrance on a zip line, and there was an explosion, and he
fell to the stage. Luckily, the cars Oprah was giving away that day
were ambulances, so he's fine.
9. Jimmy Kimmel: For you older people, there's a camera hidden in your
computer that lets the government see you in your underpants, and Skype
is a service that lets you use that camera to videochat with your
friends for free.
8. Jay Leno: The original document on which the rules for basketball
were written has sold for over $4 million. Some of the rules are
interesting, such as #4. "To confuse future generations, the team in
Utah will be named 'The Jazz.'" And #6 is "No NBA team may date more
than 2 Kardashians." Then #12 is "Never, ever bet on the Clippers."
7. David Letterman: Julian Assange, the WikiLeaks guy, is out on bail
and everybody wants to interview him. Barbara Walters wants to know if
he's a lesbian. Today in the holiday spirit he leaked 200 letters to
Santa.
6. David Letterman: Guess who's dating a guy. Mrs. Tiger Woods. She met
her new boyfriend while skiing. She likes to ski down her mountain of
cash.
5. Conan O'Brien: The Olive Garden is having a contest where the winner
gets a trip to Italy. I'm hoping the winner is their chef.
4. Jimmy Fallon: A family in Texas said a thief broke into their house
and stole their dog and all the Christmas gifts. Yeah, I'll bet that's
what the dog wants them to think.
3. Jimmy Kimmel: Gary Busey has announced he wants to donate his brain
to science. Science said no thank you. Apparently he wants to make more
room in his head for teeth or something.
2. Jay Leno: Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people
who feel they're not getting enough radiation from the body scanners.
It's the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic
wastelands and have already been to New Jersey.
1. Conan O'Brien: For the
first time an all-female team won CBS's "Amazing Race." The two women
described their secret technique as "asking directions."
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon gives the
entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have
discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.
Page 6 - Continents
South America: Nickname: "El Pollo Loco" The
poor man's North America --0 literally -- South America was a land of
flourishing jungles, stunning mountains and vibrant coups. it stretched
from the Amazon basin, a logger's paradise, to Patagonia, a cold and
barren region home tot he world's largest indigenous population of
backpackers. South America consisted of 13 countries. Twelve were
Spanish-speaking and the other covered its ass cheeks with a tiny piece
of string.
Tropical Rainforests: Invaluable to our planet's health, we discovered
their true environmental importance just in time to be too late to save
them. What we got from them: 25 % of our medicines, 30% of our air, 50%
of our benefit concerts.
.
Monday,
December 13
10. Conan
O'Brien: At a church in Pennsylvania Baby Jesus has been stolen from
the Nativity Scene three times in the last twelve years, which explains
the town's newest tradition, the bike-locking of the Baby Jesus.
9. David Letterman: Holidays always look good on paper, don't they?
8. Conan O'Brien: According to "Time Magazine" the top tweet of 2010
was written by John McCain. What's even more impressive is that McCain
thought he was opening his garage door.
7. Craig Ferguson: Every day I try to eat from the 4 food groups: meat,
beef, cake, beefcake. The schools are getting rid of sodas from vending
machines. I drank a lot of soda in school. It's a good mixer for
whiskey.
6. Jimmy Fallon: The roof of the Metrodome collapsed after it snowed 17
inches. Well, they said 17 inches, but Brett Favre texted me a photo,
and it looked more like 3 inches.
5. Jay Leno: There's a video of Miley Cyrus smoking a psychedelic herb
Salvia. Actually it wasn't her. It was her alter ego Hannah Bongtana.
4. David Letterman: They're been studying the Mona Lisa, and they
discovered codes in her eyes. They studied the code and think it was
her phone number. "Call me." Usually when I look into a woman's eyes
the only thing I see is pity.
3. Jay Leno: This week when you go to the airport put a little bow on
your pants. Give the TSA guy something to open for Christmas.
2. Conan O'Brien: Anderson Cooper announced the title of his new show
is just "Anderson." I think I speak for everyone here at "Conan" when I
say, God, what an ego on that guy. Andy Richter: Yeah, he's a jerk.
1. Jimmy Kimmel: Miley
Cyrus was caught on tape smoking Salvia out of a bong. People should
give Miley a break. She just had one hit, same as her dad.
Extra: Seth Meyers on "SNL:" A study shows that men who grow up in the
country have bigger penises than men who grow up in the city. I don't
know that that's true, but I reckon it could be.
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon gives the
entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have
discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.
Page 6 - Continents
North America: Nickname: "The Landmass That Kicks Landass!" North
America was Earth's newest continent, formed c. 1492. Blessed with
abundant freshwater and fertile soil, it was settled remarkably quickly
thanks to the extermination of one race, the enslavement of a second
and the can-do attitude of a third.
Places to see: Grand Canyon: The biggest rift in Arizona not involving
Mexicans.
Acapulco Cliffs: A popular destination for those hoping to witness a
major spinal injury.
Panama Canal: Built by North America in 1901 to keep it from having to
touch South America.
.
Friday,
December 10
10. David
Letterman: A guy in Australia got married to his dog. I just hope they
signed a prenup. The wedding was formal: tails.
9. Jay Leno: Baltimore Oriole player Luke Scott insists President
Obama was not born in the United States, and if anybody questioned HIS
citizenship he could produce a birth certificate in ten minutes, at
which point half the other Baltimore bullpen started going, "Will you
just shut up!"
8. Jimmy Fallon: A couple in Toronto asked their Facebook friends to
vote on the name of their new daughter. So congratulations to the
couple and to their little girl Like.
7. Jimmy Fallon: George W. Bush's daughter Jenna put her home on the
market in Baltimore for $500,000, but the real estate agent warned her,
"Real estate prices have gone way down since the economy was ruined by
... someone."
6. Jimmy Fallon: A town in Germany is making prostitutes pay a pleasure
tax for every day they work. Oh, wow, they're always getting screwed by
the man.
5. Jay Leno: Some of the WikiLeaks people are said to be leaving to
start their own site OpenLeaks, to which WikiLeaks founder Julian
Assange said, "You'd better not steal any of our stuff. I'll have you
arrested!
4. David Letterman: I got my son a dog. It's part Yellow Lab and part
Crime Lab.
3. Craig Ferguson: In the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie they
have a new leading lady. Yes, they've replaced Orlando Bloom.
2. Jay Leno: Wal-Mart is considering selling wine from vending
machines. Don't worry. If the bottle gets stuck, the wine steward will
come out and kick the machine. And unlike their employees, these wines
will be domestic.
1. Craig Ferguson: Johnny
Depp's partner and the mother of his children
is Vanessa Paradis. I wonder why the press doesn't give them a cute
name like Brangelina? They could call them Vajohnny.
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon gives the
entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have
discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.
Page 4 - Oceans
Great pacific Garbage Patch: Home of the world's most dazzling array of
plastodiversity, this 600,000 square mile oceanic landfill was formed
by the north Pacific Subtropical Gyre current and 100 million tons of
garbage. As of writing it had not yet gained sentience.
The Titanic: Before sailing the Titanic was advertised as not only
"unsinkable'" but "incapable of spawning a morbid cottage industry."
There's some good aged Irish whiskey by the corpses in steerage.
The Maldives: At its highest point this beautiful archipelago rose a
towering eight feet above sea level. Unfortunately by the end of the
20th century, due to circumstances completely within our control, the
sea started rising. Long story short, there should be good snorkeling
in the hotel lobbies.
.
Thursday,
December 9
10. Jimmy
Fallon: The return of the McRib boosted McDonald's profits almost 5% in
November, proving that Americans love a good mystery.
9. Jimmy Fallon: I love holiday office parties, or as sexual harassment
lawyers call them, "ka-ching."
8. David Letterman: You tourists be careful. When it's very cold and
dry like this you can get a terrible static electricity shock from lap
dances.
7. David Letterman: This year Santa is one reindeer short. Thanks a
lot, Sarah Palin.
6. Conan O'Brien: WikiLeaks says airing of American TV in the Middle
East has slowed terrorism. That's right. The terrorists watch our
reality shows and realize they've already won.
5. Craig Ferguson: Barbara Walters straight-out asked Oprah if
she was a wesbian. "Opwah, do you weally pwefer women?" And then Oprah
said no, and they made out.
4. Jimmy Fallon: WikiLeaks has hacked Sarah Palin's credit card
information after she criticized Julian Assange. She was very upset and
hopes that suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated.
3. Jimmy Kimmel: Watching Barbara Walters interview the cast of "Jersey
Shore" was like watching Jane Goodall communicate with her chimpanzees.
2. Jay Leno: Did you see that man who went temporarily blind every time
he had sex? Today his wife divorced him. Evidently he was also not
seeing someone else.
1. Jay Leno: Nigeria has
issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this
time of year. Cheney's up in Whoville, stealing Christmas.
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
Jon gives the
entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have
discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.
Page 3 - The Neighborhood
Our solar system consists of a sun, eight planets, 170 or so moons,
millions of asteroids, billions of iceballs, and one dwarf
trans-Neptunian object that tried to put one over on us (we're looking
at you, Pluto). Our observation of the planets' regular motion was the
first triumph of empirical science over traditional dogma. We named
them after gods just to be safe.
Uranus: This is the funniest planet by far, but you'll have to spend
about ten years learning idiomatic English to learn why.
Saturn: God liked this planet. So he put a ring on it.
Jupiter: The biggest planet. Tread lightly. As you can see by the Great
Red Spot, it's got herpes.
Earth: Not the biggest, not the smallest, not the closest, not the
furthest. But it's got something no other planet has: a marginally
profitable publishing industry.
.
Wednesday,
December 8
10. Jay Leno:
China has a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go out for
Chinese food, just put it on the tab.
9. Jimmy Kimmel: Number one in science, reading and math was China,
which makes sense, because they have a lot more Chinese kids to cheat
off of.
8. Craig Ferguson: When I heard the early Beatles song "Love Me Do" I
heard "Love Me, Dude." I guess you hear what you want to hear.
7. Jimmy Kimmel: On Sarah Palin's next show she gets together with Kate
Gosselin and her kids. This may be the biggest meeting of media whores
since Michael and Dina Lohan got together to conceive Lindsay.
6. Craig Ferguson: HBO announced Oprah Winfrey will star as a madam in
a brothel. In one scene all the men look under their seats and they get
a free hooker. "You get a hooker! And you get a hooker!"
5. David Letterman: Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a
reindeer on last week's TV show. And that was her Christmas special.
Took her three shots. Well, she's rusty. Last thing she brought down
was John McCain.
4. Jimmy Kimmel: You know, the last time Oprah cried it lasted 40 days
and 40 nights. They had to build an ark and put all the animals on it.
The special hasn't even aired yet, and already the Harpo machine is
selling Oprah Tears to cure blindness and paralysis and remove rust
from cars. They also give hair to the bald and cure impotence.
Available at Walgreens.
3. Jimmy Kimmel: That had to be on Barbara Walters' bucket list,
getting Oprah to cry. Now all that's left is a tensome with Thunder
from Down Under, and I think she's done.
2. Conan O'Brien: In an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah
Winfrey says she is "not even kind of a lesbian." It was a really
awkward moment, because it was in response to the question, "How was
your flight?
1. David Letterman: So
it's Bush tax cuts for two more years, and then it'll be up to
President Palin.
Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the
Human Race by Jon Stewart
To Our Alien
Readers
Greetings, alien brethren! Across eons of
time, we extend our hands in posthumous friendship and bid you welcome
to Planet Earth, on behalf of not only ourselves, but the entire Viacom
family.
We're sorry we're not here to greet you in
person. Really, really sorry We invited you over, and you traveled who
knows how many light years to see us, and you finally got here and
we're not home. And we never will be. And we left the place a mess.
Trust us when we say this was not our intention. In fact, we had always
assumed we would be the ones gallivanting around the universe,
rummaging through the remains of once-great alien civilizations,
wearing form-fitting space Spandex and solving cosmic mysteries. Eh,
Que sera, sera.
But this book is designed to provide you
with the next best thing to our actual presence: a comprehensive
history of our planet and our species, conveniently written in the
universal language -- American English.
.
Tuesday,
December 7
10. Conan
O'Brien: This year the highest paid female reality star was Kim
Kardashian who made $6 million, and the highest paid male was "Jersey
Shore's" The Situation, who made $3 million. Let this be a lesson,
kids. Stay out of school.
9. Jon Stewart: John Oliver on Don't Ask Don't Tell: The Republicans
might be willing to allow homosexual men and women to die for their
country, once anyone earning over $500,000 a year is allowed to park in
handicapped spaces and be addressed as "Guvner" in an English accent.
8. Jay Leno: It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will
continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama
changed his slogan from "Yes we can" to "Yes, we caved." It's so bad
for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.
7. Jimmy Fallon: Justin Bieber said his mom canceled his cell phone
plan after they had an argument. She said, "You'll follow my rules as
long as I'm living under your roof."
6. Craig Ferguson: When people look at you and imagine you covered in
gravy, you're either a rabbit or a German prostitute.
5. Jay Leno: A guy in Canada is 40, has been living in a dorm for 20
years, the last 13 without taking any classes, and he's still
considered the most successful Art History major ever.
4. Jimmy Fallon: Some teens are getting pregnant on purpose so they can
audition for MTV's show "16 & Pregnant." Also, some adults are
running for President on purpose so they can audition for a show on
killing moose.
3. Jay Leno: Because of a printing error nearly a billion $100 bills
will have to be destroyed. Hey, if these bills are worthless, don't
destroy them. Use them to pay off the Chinese.
2. Jay Leno: WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was in court today, and
when the judge asked for his address he said he didn't want to give out
that information. Well, everyone has a right to privacy.
1. Conan O'Brien: One out
of three men age 75 to 95 described themselves as sexually active. The
other two described themselves as "not rich."
Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky by Chris
Greenhalgh, Riverhead Books 2002
In Paris in 1913 beautiful Coco Chanel
attends the riotous premiere of Igor Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring." In
1920 she invites the penniless Igor, with his wife and four children,
who have fled from the Russian Revolution, to live with her in her
villa outside Paris. There Coco and Igor start a tempestuous love
affair.
Page 17 - Believing in her own blessed
destiny, Coco has closed her mind to that part of her life and
reinvented herself, conceived herself anew. She has used men, and been
used by them. She has learned how to operate in business and succeed.
Everything she's achieved, she has worked hard for -- and no one works
harder, she is sure of that. And here she is; she's made it happen. Her
shop is thriving. There's a trail of men all besotted with her. And
among her clients she can count some of the richest women in France.
Not bad, she reflects, for an orphan girl. She will BE someone; she
knows it. She will cast a shadow. These women will see.
18 - Already tonight, Coco has felt herself on the edge of a sensation.
For Caryathis has arrived hatless, and with her hair severely cropped.
Scarcely able to contain her delight, Coco asks, "My dear, what have
you done?"
19 - Coco is thrilled by the reaction Caryathis elicits from the
gathering throng. The trajectories of most opera glasses confirm her as
the focus of a thousand eyes. Sitting next to her, Coco glories in the
attention. There's something about the two of them together that
invites scandal, she knows. She's quick to grasp the impact they have
on those around them.
.
Monday,
December 6
10. Jimmy
Kimmel: You know, between the made-up words and the wildly shooting at
anything that moves, Sarah Palin's rapidly becoming Elmer Fudd.
9. David Letterman: President Obama is
meeting with Republicans, and they're calling it the Slurpee Summit,
I'm not sure why. I remember that other White House Slurpee Summit, but
that was Monica.
8. Conan O'Brien: States are trying anything
to get themselves out of debt. Among those taking desperate measures,
Illinois, Arizona and North Dacoca Cola.
7. Jay
Leno: Things are so different in L.A. I passed a Christmas tree lot on
Hollywood Boulevard, had a needle exchange program.
6. David Letterman: Willie Nelson was
arrested for possession of marijuana. Wait till he finds out.
5. Jay Leno: A Chinese passenger train set a
new world record, going 302 miles an hour. And unlike Amtrak, this was
on purpose.
4. Jimmy Fallon: A study found that
good-looking people are more likely to have daughters than sons. While
ugly people are more likely to have cats.
3. Jay Leno: A man in Florida auctioned off
a pair of Queen Elizabeth's underwear. You know where they were found?
Onstage after a Justin Bieber concert.
2. Craig Ferguson: I like to keep our house
cool at 65 degrees, but my wife likes it at 70 degrees. So we
compromise and keep it at 70 degrees. If you think that's not
compromise, you're not married.
1. Conan O'Brien:
Developers in Kentucky plan on opening a Creationist theme park. When
asked what the park would look like, the developers said, "It's still
evolving."
Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky by Chris
Greenhalgh, Riverhead Books 2002
In Paris in 1913 beautiful Coco Chanel
attends the riotous premiere of Igor Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring." In
1920 she invites the penniless Igor, with his wife and four children,
who have fled from the Russian Revolution, to live with her in her
villa outside Paris. There Coco and Igor start a tempestuous love
affair.
Page 16 - [Coco in the audience at the
premiere of Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring"] They regard
her, these women, with disapproval, without quite knowing why. It's not
as if she's more decorative. Quite the opposite. If anything, the cut
of her clothes is austere. The simplicity of her gown, its restrained
elegance, makes them seem almost gaudy in comparison. And her
silhouette is intimidatingly slim. It is this quality of
understatement, this nonchalance de luxe, they find disrespectful. The
impression she gives is that she's not even trying. It seems so
effortless, they feel undermined.
17 - The place reeks of privilege. Diamonds glitter and pearls
scintillate under the chandeliers. For a moment she feels like an
imposter. Memories of her upbringing crowd her brain: a dilapidated
farmhouse, a tiny allotment, mother sick and father absent, her
brothers and sisters squabbling like so many hens in the yard...
.
Friday,
December 3
(Only Leno & Ferguson live)
10. Craig
Ferguson: Prohibition was the 18th Amendment, and then came the 19th
Amendment which gave women the right to vote. There was your double
whammy. No booze, and then you had to start listening to women's
opinions about stuff. Am I right, chauvinists? There are a lot of
ladies in the audience going, 'Ha ha. We can laugh, Craig. We know
you're afraid of us.'"
9. Craig Ferguson: "Prohibition gave us speakeasies, with a little
peephole so the guy could look at your eyes and tell whether you were a
cop or not. There's still one bar like that in West Hollywood, but they
don't look to see if you have cop eyes, just that your eyes look
fabulous. I always pass with flying colors. And once you get inside
there are other holes, but they're not at eye level. And you don't
speak into them. I've said too much."
8. Craig Ferguson: "Prohibition also gave us NASCAR, because
moonshiners had to soup up their cars to outrun the cops. 'He's gaining
on us! He's gaining on us! And I can see his cop eyes.'"
7. Craig Ferguson: "It must not have been fun being a cop during
Prohibition. 'Congratulations, men. We shut down the huge whiskey
operation. A round of water for everyone.'"
6. Craig Ferguson: " I can't imagine Hollywood during Prohibition.
David Hasselhoff would have been eating at the table. Mel Gibson's
phone calls would have been rubbish."
5. Craig Ferguson: "Temperance spread around the world, even to
Scotland. A record number of people swore off drinking. The whole
country changed for an entire afternoon."
4. Craig Ferguson: "Spain is in debt. They have to sell their crown
jewels. Don't be sad, Spain. I've sold mine many times. Some of the
best dates I've ever had. You think you're bankrupt, and suddenly
there's romance in the air."
3. Jay Leno guest Louis C.K.: "But white people have bad things that
happened to us, like when they took our slaves away. So I guess it's
even."
2. Jay Leno: "Nigerian authorities are charging former Vice President
Dick Cheney on a bribery scandal that involves Haliburton. That's when
you know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing YOU of running a
scam. Cheney has offered to be hooked up to a polygraph, as soon as
he's unhooked from the defibrillator."
1. Jay Leno: "President
Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan today. Nobody knew he was
going, except of course for the WikiLeaks guy."
Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky by Chris
Greenhalgh, Riverhead Books 2002
In Paris in 1913 beautiful Coco Chanel
attends the riotous premiere of Igor Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring." In
1920 she invites the penniless Igor, with his wife and four children,
who have fled from the Russian Revolution, to live with her in her
villa outside Paris. There Coco and Igor start a tempestuous love
affair.
Page 14 - [Before the "Rite of Spring" premiere] Igor worries that the
score is too difficult and that the dancers aren't fully prepared. The
choreography is too intricate, he thinks. He's told Nijinsky over and
over, but he doesn't listen. He seems incapable of counting properly
and has trouble even clapping in time. Meanwhile Diaghilev just
indulges him; his lover, of course, can do no wrong.
.
Thursday,
December 2
(Letterman and Fallon in reruns)
10. Craig
Ferguson: "I was actually at the Grammy ceremony, because CBS asked me
to read the nominations for Best Female Country Vocal Performance,
which was the award I really wanted."
9. Jay Leno: "The Russian space agency said they'll put up a satellite
to clean up all the space junk floating out there. NASA said, 'Hey, you
touch our junk and we'll have you arrested.'"
8. Craig Ferguson: "Ever since I got the Grammy nomination people have
been coming up to me and saying, 'Craig, put on your pants!'"
7. Jimmy Kimmel: Justin Bieber was nominated for Best New Artist.
How does that make the other nominees feel? It's like being nominated
for Best Supporting Actress and then learning Snooki was nominated too.
Via satellite from London the Bieber thanked Usher, his mother, and his
testicles, for waiting so long to descend."
6. Jay Leno: "According to 'Nature Magazine' there are 300 sextillion
stars in the universe. Yet they couldn't find one anybody had ever
heard of to appear on 'Skating with the Stars.' And doesn't a
sextillion sound like a party Charlie Sheen would throw?"
5. Conan O'Brien: "Cee Lo's song 'F. You' was nominated for a Grammy.
He says he'll sing the song if he wins, and definitely if he loses."
4. Jon Stewart: "Don't Ask Don't Tell: Queer and Present Danger:
Gaypocalypse Now: A study among military personnel shows that they
don't care if their brothers in arms like to hold brothers in their
arms."
3. Jay Leno: "A man who loaned his now-ex-girlfriend money for
breast implants is suing. He wants either the money or the implants
back. Couldn't they just work out something like weekly visitation
rights?"
2. Craig Ferguson: "Usually my days are filled with gloom and
self-loathing and a horrible smell, but yesterday I got nominated for a
Grammy Award! I was nominated for the spoken-word version of my
autobiography. It's the same category Al Gore won a few years ago.
Unfortunately, his spoken words were, 'More lotion, lower down. I
invented the internet. I deserve a reward.'"
1. Jay Leno: "There's a
promiscuity gene that makes you more likely to sleep around and cheat
on your spouse. On the plus side, it also makes you better able to
shoot a basketball, play football, hit a golf ball, [looking at the
band] or play a musical instrument ."
"Squirrel
Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary" by David Sedaris, Little, Brown
& Company 2010
Page 159 - I
used to think that there were great horned owls and not-so-great horned
owls. I'd put my former mate and myself in the first category, and from
that lofty vantage point, we'd looked down upon my family. Now they
were looking down on ME: A son, A brother. A cousin, a nephew, a
half-baked know-it-all standing beside a grease-blackened gerbil at the
gaping back door of a hippopotamus. Even discounting the singing
leeches, it really was stunning: the trio of new found friends, so
far-fetched we simply had to be true.
.
Wednesday,
December 1
(Letterman and Fallon in reruns)
10. Jay Leno:
"Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah has an entire wing in the hospital where
he's recovering from back surgery. If you have enough money you can
have as many rooms as you want, or as Republicans call it, health care
reform."
9. Jay Leno: "Today John McCain announced, 'We must bring about a
regime change in North Korea!' to which the waitress replied, 'Sir, if
you don't order now you'll miss the early bird special.'"
8. Jay Leno: "Tonight President Obama issued his annual Hannukah
message. When the son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from
Kansas, elected President thanks to Latino voters, gives an address
over his Japanese computer, serviced by technicians in India, to Hebrew
people of this land we took from Native Americans, that's what this
country is all about."
7. Conan O'Brien: "Justin Bieber says that in spite of already having
millions of dollars, he's going to college. He plans to major somewhere
between men's and women's studies."
6. Conan O'Brien: "Tonight at the White House President Obama is having
a ceremony for the first night of Hannukah. The Republicans are saying
it's worse than they thought. He's a Jewish Muslim."
5. Craig Ferguson: "Advertisers are desperate for new media, because
everybody DVRs the shows and fast forwards through the commercials.
Except this show. 'Get past the Scottish guy. I want to learn about
boner pills.'"
4. Craig Ferguson: "Happy 75th birthday to Woody Allen. It's not easy
finding a card that says, 'Happy Birthday, Dad/Husband.'"
3. Jimmy Kimmel: "There's an arrest warrant for the WikiLeaks owner,
not for the leaks but for rape allegations in Sweden. He did an
interview by Skype from a secret location and said Hillary Clinton
should resign for asking American diplomats to spy on their
counterparts. Thanks, we'll make a note of that, creepy Australian
hacker who's wanted for rape."
2. Jimmy Kimmel: "Hillary doesn't quit. If she didn't quit her marriage
after she found out her husband put a cigar up an intern, she
ain't gonna quit over this. You're barking up the wrong pants suit."
1. Jay Leno: "Here's the
latest on our country's top-secret documents. We don't have any
anymore. But the head of WikiLeaks has had to go into hiding. He's
somewhere all by himself. Officials think he may be in a theater
showing 'Burlesque.'"
"Squirrel
Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary" by David Sedaris, Little, Brown
& Company 2010
Page 147 - A
sign in front of the hippo display read, LOIS, but that, she explained,
was just her slave name.
149 - [An owl speaking] On my way home that night, I picked up a
rabbit. It was on the small side, and no sooner had I started eating
than my mother appeared. "I'll wait until you're finished," she said in
that particular way that means What kind of son can't offer his mother
so much as an appendage? Sighing, I ripped off an ear and passed it
over.
.
December
Strangies
Wednesday, December 1 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Here's the latest on our
country's top-secret documents. We don't have any anymore. But the head
of WikiLeaks has had to go into hiding. He's somewhere all by himself.
Officials think he may be in a theater showing 'Burlesque.'"
Thursday, December 2 Strangie to Jay
Leno: "There's a promiscuity gene that
makes you more likely to sleep around and cheat on your spouse. On the
plus side, it also makes you better able to shoot a basketball, play
football, hit a golf ball, [looking at the band] or play a musical
instrument ."
Friday, December 3 Strangie to Jay
Leno: "President Obama made a surprise
visit to Afghanistan today. Nobody knew he was going, except of course
for the WikiLeaks guy."
Monday, December 6 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien: Developers in Kentucky plan
on opening a Creationist theme park. When asked what the park would
look like, the developers said, "It's still evolving."
Tuesday, December 7 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien:
One
out
of
three
men
age
75
to
95
described
themselves
as
sexually
active.
The
other
two
described
themselves
as
"not
rich."
Wednesday, December 8 Strangie to David Letterman: So it's Bush tax cuts for two
more years, and then it'll be up to President Palin.
Thursday, December 9 Strangie to Jay Leno:
Nigeria has issued an arrest
warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year.
Cheney's up in Whoville, stealing Christmas.
Friday, December 10 Strangie to Craig
Ferguson: Johnny Depp's partner and the mother of his children
is Vanessa Paradis. I wonder why the press doesn't give them a cute
name like Brangelina? They could call them Vajohnny.
Monday, December 13 Strangie to Jimmy
Kimmel:
Miley
Cyrus
was
caught
on
tape
smoking
Salvia
out
of
a
bong.
People
should
give
Miley
a
break.
She
just
had
one hit, same as her dad.
Tuesday, December 14 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien:
For
the
first
time
an
all-female
team
won
CBS's
"Amazing
Race."
The
two
women
described
their
secret
technique
as
"asking directions."
Wednesday, December 15 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien:
The
Marine
Corps'
top
general
suggested
allowing
gay
soldiers
on
the
battlefield
would
pose
a
distraction.
Especially
the really hot ones.
Thursday, December 16 Strangie to David
Letterman:
Tonight
was
Larry
King's
last
show.
In
a
tearful
moment
he
denied
being
a
lesbian. Anyway, chalk
up another kill for Jay Leno.
Friday, December 17 Strangie to
Jimmy Fallon: Southwest Airlines may soon
be offering international flights, which would answer the age-old
question: What would it be like to take a bus across the Atlantic?
Monday, December 20 Strangie to David
Letterman:
Now
if
you're
in
the
military
and
want
to
engage in gay activity you just have to fill out
the HB-290 Homosexual Behavior Requisition Form.
Tuesday, December 21 Strangie to Jay
Leno: Congratulations to Shania Twain.
She's engaged to the ex-husband of the woman her husband left her for
in 2008. Now that's what I call regifting.
Wednesday, December 22 Strangie to Jimmy
Fallon:
Another
actor
was
injured in "Spiderman, the Musical"
when he fell 30 feet into the orchestra pit. At this point they're not
going to change anything. They're just going to rename the show
"Jackass 4."
Thursday, December 23 Strangie to Conan
O'Brien:
China
has just opened the first all-robot-waiter restaurant.
The sad part is that they were designed to be robot actors. [In robot
voice] "I'm just doing this for now."
