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Strange de Jim entertained San Francisco with hundreds of quips in Herb Caen's SF Chronicle column for the odd quarter century (www.strangebillions.com/herb). Strange holds the world record for Most Late-Night Jokes Absorbed, 1999 - Last Night.

Strange's Last Night's Top 10 Late-Night Jokes December 2010

late night hosts
 Click for Sue Trowbridge's Late-Night Lineups and Info.

December  Strangies: Leno 5, O'Brien 5, Letterman 3, Fallon 2, Ferguson 1, Kimmel 1

Friday, December 24, thru Friday, December 31, all shows in reruns.
Happy Holidaze!!!



Thursday, December 23
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)

10. Conan O'Brien: Religious conservatives are very upset at the TSA's new patdown procedures. Most upset are Catholic priests, who keep saying, "You're doing it wrong."

9. Conan O'Brien: Televangelist pat Robertson has come out in favor of decriminalizing marijuana. Evidently Robertson just got to the part of "The Bible" where Jesus tells the Apostles to "just chill." It's in the book of Duderonomy.

8. Conan O'Brien: There's a smart phone app that tells you how drunk you are. Not only that, it tells you where your pants are and why Brenda left you.

7. Jay Leno: Evangelist Pat Robertson says he favors legalizing marijuana. The 700 Club is becoming the 420 Club. If this doesn't get Miley Cyrus back to church, nothing will.

6. David Letterman: "True  Grit" is about a cantankerous grizzled old drunk. Do you like cantankerous grizzled old drunks? Of course you do. You're here. The movie's about a partnership between a young girl and an old Civil War veteran. It's like Larry King and his wife.

5. David Letterman: Big celebrity birthday coming up! Jesus.

4. jimmy Fallon: A man in Texas last night lost control of his car and ran it up on George Bush's lawn. It could have been worse. He could have lost control of the whole economy and run it into the ground.

3. Craig Ferguson: We have secret Santa here at CBS, and I like to figure out who my Santa is. But this year it  was too easy. The first day I got cocaine. Second day I found a hooker in my closet. That's right. My secret Santa was Andy Rooney.

2. Craig Ferguson: When I was growing up we'd put out a plate of cookies and a glass of whiskey for Santa. And the next morning my Dad's breath would smell of cookies and whiskey. But I was about 8 before it dawned on me, Dad had been making out with Santa.

1. Conan O'Brien: China has just opened the first all-robot-waiter restaurant. The sad part is that they were designed to be robot actors. [In robot voice] "I'm just doing this for now."

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon gives the entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.

Page 23 - There were also harmful bacteria, responsible for scourges such as syphillis, leprosy and yogurt. Our bodies contained ten times as many bacterial cells as human cells. What can we say? We loved to entertain.

Was it alive? Fetus: Arguments for: Oh boy, here we go. Arguments against: Seriously. We're not getting into this right now.

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Wednesday, December 22
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)

10. Craig Ferguson: Another big toy this year is the Singamajig. It's just a little furry creature that sings when you squeeze it. If you can't find one, just get your kid a Jonas Brother.

9. David Letterman: Los Angeles is having rain and rain and more rain, and it's causing mudslides. On the other hand, it's nice to see L.A. real estate moving again.

8. Jimmy Fallon: E-mail use among senior citizens increased 17% last year. Or as grandkids put it, "Kill me now."

7. David Letterman: I'm ready for Christmas. I hung a "No Carolers" sign on the electric fence and put a wreath on the door of the panic room.

6. Jay Leno: A 103-year-old British grandmother is believed to be the world's oldest Facebook user. She believes you're never too old to waste what little time you have left. The bad news, one of her friends poked her, broke her hip.

5. Conan O'Brien: A new video tells the story of Baby Jesus as though there were Facebook back then. Joseph describes his relationship with the Virgin Mary as 'It's complicated."

4. Conan O'Brien: This morning President Obama  signed the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell into law. He would have signed it last night, but supporters of the bill didn't want to miss last night's episode of "Glee."

3. David Letterman: Imagining Donald Trump flying on Jet Blue is like trying to imagine Sarah Palin flying on Air Force One.

2. Jay Leno: Shania Twain is engaged to the ex-husband of the woman her husband left her for in 2008. She says it's because she wants to write the greatest country song EVER.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Another actor was injured in "Spiderman, the Musical" when he fell 30 feet into the orchestra pit. At this point they're not going to change anything. They're just going to rename the show "Jackass 4."

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon gives the entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.

Page 22 - DNA was the genetic blueprint in every cell of every living thing that contained precise instructions for how to make the next generation. We came to rely on DNA tracing to help us understand who we really were, often receiving the results during the "Maury Povich Show." [Code] This is the genetic code for the mischievous twinkle behind George Clooney's eyes. If you replicate nothing else, replicate this.

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Tuesday, December 21
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: In Washington President Obama got into bed with the Republicans just for the warmth.

9. Jay Leno: President Obama is ahead of Sarah Palin 54% to 39% in a potential match-up. You know what this mean? John McCain could get Barack Obama elected twice.

8. Jay Leno: Did you ever think how embarrassing it must have been for the other two Wise Men after the first one gave the Baby Jesus gold. "Uh, here's some incense. Smell this."

7. Craig Ferguson: Today is the winter solstice. It's the shortest day of the year, so congratulations, midgets.

6. David Letterman: Last night's audience, after this show they went out and booed the lunar eclipse. And don't you hate it when you're watching an eclipse and you get stuck behind somebody in a big hat?

5. Conan O'Brien: A theater in Chicago is staging a version of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" where the actors are all Klingons. It honors the true meaning of Christmas, since the audience is full of virgins.

4. David Letterman: The Pilgrims landed on this date in 1620. The first year they lost everything they had, in an Indian casino.

3. Conan O'Brien: In Germany an airport hired clowns to entertain grumpy passengers whose flights had been delayed. None of the clowns survived.

2. David Letterman: Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes SHE should tell us what to do.

1. Jay Leno: Congratulations to Shania Twain. She's engaged to the ex-husband of the woman her husband left her for in 2008. Now that's what I call regifting.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon gives the entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.

Page 21 - You want biodiversity? We've got biodiversity out the ass. (Seriously. Nearly all Earth creatures were host to some from of rectal parasite.)

Living creatures react to stimuli. A simple test of responsiveness was known as the "stick poke." Negative results led to toe-nudging, cautious sniffing and "peeing on it." Positive results led to running away.

Reproduction: All living creatures were defined by their ability not only to propagate their species, but to giggle uncomfortably when shown pictures of other creatures doing it.

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Monday, December 20
(Stewart, Colbert & Kimmel in reruns)


10. Craig Ferguson: They say you should give your mailman a tip, so every year I tell him, "Wear shorter shorts. You've got the legs for it."

9. David Letterman: It was so busy at the mall, hand to God, I actually saw a customer in the Radio Shack.

8. Jimmy Fallon: Because of snow and ice London's Heathrow Airport had to cancel so many flights it changed its name to LaGuardia.

7. Craig Ferguson: Postal workers work so hard at this time of year it's important to show you appreciate them. That's why I always greet the postman with a warm smile and an open robe.

6. Jimmy Fallon: Last night on "Sarah Palin's Alaska," the Palins went white water rafting with a guide named Mudflap. It was such an odd name Sarah Palin asked, "Are you sure you're not one of my kids?"

5. David Letterman: Congress repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell. The Pentagon can now start production on "Iraq the Musical."

4. Jay Leno: A survey found men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. Then the men spend half their income on their wives once they find out about the mistresses. So it all balances out.

3. Conan O'Brien: It's been raining here in L.A. ever since Larry King went off the air. God is angry. "I went to school with him. He was my last friend on television."

2. Conan O'Brien: A women's sanitary products company has released a new ad campaign saying their product will protect you from wikileaks. At least it's better than their last slogan: "Caps your spill faster than BP."

1. David Letterman: Now if you're in the military and want to engage in gay activity you just have to fill out the HB-290 Homosexual Behavior Requisition Form.

Special Report: Top 5 Seth Meyers comments on "SNL Weekend Update"

5. Archaeologists in China found a pot of 2,400-year-old soup, proving that even the ancient Chinese had trouble throwing out leftover Chinese.

4. China has a restaurant with robots as waiters, which is what China should be working on, ways to make their 10 trillion people unnecessary.

3. Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds have separated, which is unfortunate, since they're probably the only people who have a chance with either one.

2. "Jersey Shores" Snooki will be in a ball dropped in Times Square on New Years Eve. I'm guessing this won't be the first party where a drunken Snooki goes down on something while people cheer.

1. Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed in the Senate today, with 65 Senators voting "Yea" and 31 voting "I'm old."


Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon gives the entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.

Page 19 - FAQs (Future Alien Questions) Q. Any advice on avoiding natural disasters? A. Try leading blameless lives, free of sin. If disaster strikes anyway, blame gay aliens. (You can call them "galiens.")
Q. By the way, we noticed several regions where millions of gallons of oil burst forth from the bottom of the ocean and destroyed hundreds of miles of coastline. Were those natural disasters? A. ... yes. Yes. It sure was terrible, when nature did that to us.

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Friday, December 17
(Only Letterman, Leno, Fallon & Ferguson live)

10. Craig Ferguson: On TV bears look nice and cuddly, but in real life they're dangerous and unpredictable. Like Katie Couric. You see her in real life, she will maul you. My honeypot still has paw marks.

9. Jay Leno guest Owen Wilson said his brother Andrew was just bitten on the foot by a shark. Jay asked if Owen would now be wary about going in the ocean. "No. Though I will think twice about skinny dipping."

8. Craig Ferguson: Bears are the sharks of the forest. Worse than sharks. If a shark attacks you it's because he mistook you for something else, like a seal. But a bear will claw you just for the fun of it. At least they do in the clubs I go to.

7. Jay Leno: In just a week from tonight kids all over L.A. will be visited by the man who comes once a year with presents, their real father.

6. David Letterman: This is the first time I'm announcing this, so you're going to hear a lot of swooning.  For the Christmas holiday season I'm going to let the staff make eye contact with me.

5. Jimmy Fallon: Have you heard of this new psychedelic drug Salvia? A Canadian DJ smoked it and did his whole show drugged up, or as Rush Limbaugh put it, copycat.

4. Jay Leno: A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A lot of people couldn't make it because their company is in India.

3. David Letterman: It's $1,000 a month now to park your car in New York City. It would be cheaper to send your car to college.

2. Jay Leno: In Boca Raton, Florida, a vending machine dispenses 24-carat gold bars. This is for retirees who feel they're not already a big enough target for muggers.

1. Jimmy Fallon: Southwest Airlines may soon be offering international flights, which would answer the age-old question: What would it be like to take a bus across the Atlantic?

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon gives the entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.

Page 13 - Things We Liked: Our Stuffed Crust: Early on we figured out that many of our greatest treasures on Earth were actually IN it. Getting to these valuable substances was a dirty, nasty business, ripe for human and natural exploitation. So was processing them. So was distributing them. So was using them. So were the aftereffects. Anyway, these were four of our favorites.
1. Coal: Where we found it: Hundreds of feet below blue-collar working class mining towns. Where you'll (still) find it: Power plants, smelting plants, anywhere without actual plants. Odd applications: Letting Christian kids know they were naughty.
2. Diamonds: Where you'll (still) find them: 47th Street between 5th and 6th. Why we liked them: Rare, shiny and extraordinarily well-marketed.
3. Oil: What we used it for: Fueling our vehicles; heating our homes; setting our foreign policy; lubricating our wildlife. What we'd do for it: Invade sovereign nations; befriend enemies  construct enormous platforms in oceans; ignore incontrovertible scientific evidence; live in Texas.
4. Gold: What it was: 79 protons and 118 neutrons worth of pure sunshine. Where we found it: By total coincidence, anywhere native peoples had yet to hear the Good Word of Jesus Christ.

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Thursday, December 16

10. Jay Leno: Larry KIng is stepping down after 40,000 interviews, 7 wives and 1 sister-in-law.

9.
Jay Leno: Colorado is going to make men caught with prostitutes take a class in prostitution. "First thing is, we only have the classroom for an hour." What do they teach them? Watch out for the adam's apple? Charlie Sheen took the class. Now he's going for his PhD.

8. Jay Leno: Al Qaeda is said to be planning Christmas attacks in the U.S. and Europe. The U.S. sprang into action, telling Al Qaeda, "You can't call them Christmas attacks. You have to call them holiday attacks."

7. David Letterman: The Yankees offered Cliff Lee $200 million, and I said, whoa, that's Mrs. Tiger Woods money. But he turned it down. The Yankees really wanted the guy. At the end they were even willing to throw in Kate Hudson.

6. Conan O'Brien: Ex-President Jimmy Carter said someday soon Americans could elect a gay President. Then he winked, put on some lipstick and said, "Or maybe they already did, girlfriend."

5. Jimmy Fallon: The Obamas had their dog Bo sign their Christmas card with a paw print, but Bo only agreed to do it after Obama extended the Bush-era treats policy.

4. Craig Ferguson: A woman in Wales is 103, and she's the world's oldest Facebook user. Which just goes to show you, you're never too old to waste your precious time here on Earth.

3.
Craig Ferguson: [Jimmy Fallon sent Craig a Christmas sweater] Jimmy Fallon is wonderful, and he can knit like 12 gay men! [It had Jimmy and Craig's faces on it.] Thank you, Jimmy. I can't think of anyone I'd rather be against at this time of night.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: Larry King had his last show tonight. He's going into semi-retirement. He said he wanted to spend more time with his son Regis. At the end of the show he didn't say goodbye. He said so long. Then he clapped twice, and off went the lights.

1. David Letterman: Tonight was Larry King's last show. In a tearful moment he denied being a lesbian. Anyway, chalk up another kill for Jay Leno.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon gives the entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.

Page 10 : Places to See: The Pyramids of Giza: Relics of the golden age of funeral directing.
Places to See: Mt. Kilimanjaro: Brown on the bottom, white on the top. Just like all of Africa used to be.

13 - Global warming threatened the delicate balance of life on earth, causing millions to pretend to change the way they live.

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Wednesday, December 15

10. Conan O'Brien: Today President Obama met with a group of top CEOs to discuss creating new jobs. They said they'd see what they could do and then all went back to China.

9. Jon Stewart: A new Barbie Doll has a video camera, and there's fear predators may get little girls to video themselves. This is definitely the creepiest toy since Get in the Van Elmo.

8. Jay Leno: Two feet of snow in the Midwest, but these are the first shovel-ready jobs Obama has come up with. It was so cold in Minneapolis, Brett Favre was texting pictures of his chestnuts roasting over an open fire.

7. Jon Stewart: Once a man named Ted Turner had a dream, to make love to 15 cheerleaders simultaneously on top of a dead buffalo. He gave up on that dream and founded CNN.

6. David Letterman: It was so cold here today that Regis Philbin was wearing his North Face moneybelt.

5. Jay Leno: A mailman has been arrested in Wisconsin for delivering mail in the nude. Talk about junk mail! He must be a pretty confident guy. In Wisconsin in December you're not going to be looking your best.

4. Craig Ferguson: Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. "Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived." With Larry I think it goes, "Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable."

3. Jimmy Fallon: According to census data, Falls Church, Virginia, is the best educated place in America. Least educated? Sarah Palin's Alaska.

2. Jimmy Kimmel: It's so cold in New York people have been flipping each other the mitten.

1. Conan O'Brien: The Marine Corps' top general suggested allowing gay soldiers on the battlefield would pose a distraction. Especially the really hot ones.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon gives the entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.

Page 8 - Places to See: Mykonos: Nowhere on earth would have been more receptive to your anal probing.

Page 9 - Places to See: Taj Mahal: The ultimate testament to the eternal love between a man and his favorite wife.

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Tuesday, December 14

10. David Letterman: On Oprah's show from Australia, Hugh Jackman was making a spectacular entrance on a zip line, and there was an explosion, and he fell to the stage. Luckily, the cars Oprah was giving away that day were ambulances, so he's fine.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: For you older people, there's a camera hidden in your computer that lets the government see you in your underpants, and Skype is a service that lets you use that camera to videochat with your friends for free.

8. Jay Leno: The original document on which the rules for basketball were written has sold for over $4 million. Some of the rules are interesting, such as #4. "To confuse future generations, the team in Utah will be named 'The Jazz.'" And #6 is "No NBA team may date more than 2 Kardashians." Then #12 is "Never, ever bet on the Clippers."

7. David Letterman: Julian Assange, the WikiLeaks guy, is out on bail and everybody wants to interview him. Barbara Walters wants to know if he's a lesbian. Today in the holiday spirit he leaked 200 letters to Santa.

6. David Letterman: Guess who's dating a guy. Mrs. Tiger Woods. She met her new boyfriend while skiing. She likes to ski down her mountain of cash.

5. Conan O'Brien: The Olive Garden is having a contest where the winner gets a trip to Italy. I'm hoping the winner is their chef.

4. Jimmy Fallon: A family in Texas said a thief broke into their house and stole their dog and all the Christmas gifts. Yeah, I'll bet that's what the dog wants them to think.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: Gary Busey has announced he wants to donate his brain to science. Science said no thank you. Apparently he wants to make more room in his head for teeth or something.

2. Jay Leno: Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they're not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It's the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey.

1. Conan O'Brien: For the first time an all-female team won CBS's "Amazing Race." The two women described their secret technique as "asking directions."

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon gives the entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.

Page 6 - Continents
South America: Nickname: "El Pollo Loco" The poor man's North America --0 literally -- South America was a land of flourishing jungles, stunning mountains and vibrant coups. it stretched from the Amazon basin, a logger's paradise, to Patagonia, a cold and barren region home tot he world's largest indigenous population of backpackers. South America consisted of 13 countries. Twelve were Spanish-speaking and the other covered its ass cheeks with a tiny piece of string.
Tropical Rainforests: Invaluable to our planet's health, we discovered their true environmental importance just in time to be too late to save them. What we got from them: 25 % of our medicines, 30% of our air, 50% of our benefit concerts.

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Monday, December 13

10. Conan O'Brien: At a church in Pennsylvania Baby Jesus has been stolen from the Nativity Scene three times in the last twelve years, which explains the town's newest tradition, the bike-locking of the Baby Jesus.

9. David Letterman: Holidays always look good on paper, don't they?

8. Conan O'Brien: According to "Time Magazine" the top tweet of 2010 was written by John McCain. What's even more impressive is that McCain thought he was opening his garage door.

7. Craig Ferguson: Every day I try to eat from the 4 food groups: meat, beef, cake, beefcake. The schools are getting rid of sodas from vending machines. I drank a lot of soda in school. It's a good mixer for whiskey.

6. Jimmy Fallon: The roof of the Metrodome collapsed after it snowed 17 inches. Well, they said 17 inches, but Brett Favre texted me a photo, and it looked more like 3 inches.

5. Jay Leno: There's a video of Miley Cyrus smoking a psychedelic herb Salvia. Actually it wasn't her. It was her alter ego Hannah Bongtana.

4. David Letterman: They're been studying the Mona Lisa, and they discovered codes in her eyes. They studied the code and think it was her phone number. "Call me." Usually when I look into a woman's eyes the only thing I see is pity.

3. Jay Leno: This week when you go to the airport put a little bow on your pants. Give the TSA guy something to open for Christmas.

2. Conan O'Brien: Anderson Cooper announced the title of his new show is just "Anderson." I think I speak for everyone here at "Conan" when I say, God, what an ego on that guy. Andy Richter: Yeah, he's a jerk.

1. Jimmy Kimmel: Miley Cyrus was caught on tape smoking Salvia out of a bong. People should give Miley a break. She just had one hit, same as her dad.

Extra: Seth Meyers on "SNL:" A study shows that men who grow up in the country have bigger penises than men who grow up in the city. I don't know that that's true, but I reckon it could be.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon gives the entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.

Page 6 - Continents
North America: Nickname: "The Landmass That Kicks Landass!" North America was Earth's newest continent, formed c. 1492. Blessed with abundant freshwater and fertile soil, it was settled remarkably quickly thanks to the extermination of one race, the enslavement of a second and the can-do attitude of a third.
Places to see: Grand Canyon: The biggest rift in Arizona not involving Mexicans.
Acapulco Cliffs: A popular destination for those hoping to witness a major spinal injury.
Panama Canal: Built by North America in 1901 to keep it from having to touch South America.

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Friday, December 10

10. David Letterman: A guy in Australia got married to his dog. I just hope they signed a prenup. The wedding was formal: tails.

9. Jay Leno: Baltimore Oriole player Luke Scott  insists President Obama was not born in the United States, and if anybody questioned HIS citizenship he could produce a birth certificate in ten minutes, at which point half the other Baltimore bullpen started going, "Will you just shut up!"

8. Jimmy Fallon: A couple in Toronto asked their Facebook friends to vote on the name of their new daughter. So congratulations to the couple and to their little girl Like.

7. Jimmy Fallon: George W. Bush's daughter Jenna put her home on the market in Baltimore for $500,000, but the real estate agent warned her, "Real estate prices have gone way down since the economy was ruined by ... someone."

6. Jimmy Fallon: A town in Germany is making prostitutes pay a pleasure tax for every day they work. Oh, wow, they're always getting screwed by the man.

5. Jay Leno: Some of the WikiLeaks people are said to be leaving to start their own site OpenLeaks, to which WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said, "You'd better not steal any of our stuff. I'll have you arrested!

4. David Letterman: I got my son a dog. It's part Yellow Lab and part Crime Lab.

3. Craig Ferguson: In the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie they have a new leading lady. Yes, they've replaced Orlando Bloom.

2. Jay Leno: Wal-Mart is considering selling wine from vending machines. Don't worry. If the bottle gets stuck, the wine steward will come out and kick the machine. And unlike their employees, these wines will be domestic.

1. Craig Ferguson: Johnny Depp's partner and the mother of his children is Vanessa Paradis. I wonder why the press doesn't give them a cute name like Brangelina? They could call them Vajohnny.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon gives the entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.

Page 4 - Oceans
Great pacific Garbage Patch: Home of the world's most dazzling array of plastodiversity, this 600,000 square mile oceanic landfill was formed by the north Pacific Subtropical Gyre current and 100 million tons of garbage. As of writing it had not yet gained sentience.

The Titanic: Before sailing the Titanic was advertised as not only "unsinkable'" but "incapable of spawning a morbid cottage industry." There's some good aged Irish whiskey by the corpses in steerage.

The Maldives: At its highest point this beautiful archipelago rose a towering eight feet above sea level. Unfortunately by the end of the 20th century, due to circumstances completely within our control, the sea started rising. Long story short, there should be good snorkeling in the hotel lobbies.

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Thursday, December 9

10. Jimmy Fallon: The return of the McRib boosted McDonald's profits almost 5% in November, proving that Americans love a good mystery.

9. Jimmy Fallon: I love holiday office parties, or as sexual harassment lawyers call them, "ka-ching."

8. David Letterman: You tourists be careful. When it's very cold and dry like this you can get a terrible static electricity shock from lap dances.

7. David Letterman: This year Santa is one reindeer short. Thanks a lot, Sarah Palin.

6. Conan O'Brien: WikiLeaks says airing of American TV in the Middle East has slowed terrorism. That's right. The terrorists watch our reality shows and realize they've already won.

5. Craig Ferguson:  Barbara Walters straight-out asked Oprah if she was a wesbian. "Opwah, do you weally pwefer women?" And then Oprah said no, and they made out.

4. Jimmy Fallon: WikiLeaks has hacked Sarah Palin's credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. She was very upset and hopes that suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: Watching Barbara Walters interview the cast of "Jersey Shore" was like watching Jane Goodall communicate with her chimpanzees.

2. Jay Leno: Did you see that man who went temporarily blind every time he had sex? Today his wife divorced him. Evidently he was also not seeing someone else.

1. Jay Leno: Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney's up in Whoville, stealing Christmas.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

Jon gives the entire history of Earth for the benefit of the aliens who have discovered the ruins. Every page is a delight.

Page 3 - The Neighborhood
Our solar system consists of a sun, eight planets, 170 or so moons, millions of asteroids, billions of iceballs, and one dwarf trans-Neptunian object that tried to put one over on us (we're looking at you, Pluto). Our observation of the planets' regular motion was the first triumph of empirical science over traditional dogma. We named them after gods just to be safe.

Uranus: This is the funniest planet by far, but you'll have to spend about ten years learning idiomatic English to learn why.

Saturn: God liked this planet. So he put a ring on it.

Jupiter: The biggest planet. Tread lightly. As you can see by the Great Red Spot, it's got herpes.

Earth: Not the biggest, not the smallest, not the closest, not the furthest. But it's got something no other planet has: a marginally profitable publishing industry.

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Wednesday, December 8

10. Jay Leno: China has a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go out for Chinese food, just put it on the tab.

9. Jimmy Kimmel: Number one in science, reading and math was China, which makes sense, because they have a lot more Chinese kids to cheat off of.

8. Craig Ferguson: When I heard the early Beatles song "Love Me Do" I heard "Love Me, Dude." I guess you hear what you want to hear.

7. Jimmy Kimmel: On Sarah Palin's next show she gets together with Kate Gosselin and her kids. This may be the biggest meeting of media whores since Michael and Dina Lohan got together to conceive Lindsay.

6. Craig Ferguson: HBO announced Oprah Winfrey will star as a madam in a brothel. In one scene all the men look under their seats and they get a free hooker. "You get a hooker! And you get a hooker!"

5. David Letterman: Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week's TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she's rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain.

4. Jimmy Kimmel: You know, the last time Oprah cried it lasted 40 days and 40 nights. They had to build an ark and put all the animals on it. The special hasn't even aired yet, and already the Harpo machine is selling Oprah Tears to cure blindness and paralysis and remove rust from cars. They also give hair to the bald and cure impotence. Available at Walgreens.

3. Jimmy Kimmel: That had to be on Barbara Walters' bucket list, getting Oprah to cry. Now all that's left is a tensome with Thunder from Down Under, and I think she's done.

2. Conan O'Brien: In an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey says she is "not even kind of a lesbian." It was a really awkward moment, because it was in response to the question, "How was your flight?

1. David Letterman: So it's Bush tax cuts for two more years, and then it'll be up to President Palin.

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart

To Our Alien Readers
Greetings, alien brethren! Across eons of time, we extend our hands in posthumous friendship and bid you welcome to Planet Earth, on behalf of not only ourselves, but the entire Viacom family.
We're sorry we're not here to greet you in person. Really, really sorry We invited you over, and you traveled who knows how many light years to see us, and you finally got here and we're not home. And we never will be. And we left the place a mess. Trust us when we say this was not our intention. In fact, we had always assumed we would be the ones gallivanting around the universe, rummaging through the remains of once-great alien civilizations, wearing form-fitting space Spandex and solving cosmic mysteries. Eh, Que sera, sera.

But this book is designed to provide you with the next best thing to our actual presence: a comprehensive history of our planet and our species, conveniently written in the universal language -- American English.

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Tuesday, December 7

10. Conan O'Brien: This year the highest paid female reality star was Kim Kardashian who made $6 million, and the highest paid male was "Jersey Shore's" The Situation, who made $3 million. Let this be a lesson, kids. Stay out of school.

9. Jon Stewart: John Oliver on Don't Ask Don't Tell: The Republicans might be willing to allow homosexual men and women to die for their country, once anyone earning over $500,000 a year is allowed to park in handicapped spaces and be addressed as "Guvner" in an English accent.

8. Jay Leno: It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from "Yes we can" to "Yes, we caved." It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.

7. Jimmy Fallon: Justin Bieber said his mom canceled his cell phone plan after they had an argument. She said, "You'll follow my rules as long as I'm living under your roof."

6. Craig Ferguson: When people look at you and imagine you covered in gravy, you're either a rabbit or a German prostitute.

5. Jay Leno: A guy in Canada is 40, has been living in a dorm for 20 years, the last 13 without taking any classes, and he's still considered the most successful Art History major ever.

4. Jimmy Fallon: Some teens are getting pregnant on purpose so they can audition for MTV's show "16 & Pregnant." Also, some adults are running for President on purpose so they can audition for a show on killing moose.

3. Jay Leno: Because of a printing error nearly a billion $100 bills will have to be destroyed. Hey, if these bills are worthless, don't destroy them. Use them to pay off the Chinese.

2. Jay Leno: WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was in court today, and when the judge asked for his address he said he didn't want to give out that information. Well, everyone has a right to privacy.

1. Conan O'Brien: One out of three men age 75 to 95 described themselves as sexually active. The other two described themselves as "not rich."

Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky by Chris Greenhalgh, Riverhead Books 2002

In Paris in 1913 beautiful Coco Chanel attends the riotous premiere of Igor Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring." In 1920 she invites the penniless Igor, with his wife and four children, who have fled from the Russian Revolution, to live with her in her villa outside Paris. There Coco and Igor start a tempestuous love affair.

Page 17 - Believing in her own blessed destiny, Coco has closed her mind to that part of her life and reinvented herself, conceived herself anew. She has used men, and been used by them. She has learned how to operate in business and succeed. Everything she's achieved, she has worked hard for -- and no one works harder, she is sure of that. And here she is; she's made it happen. Her shop is thriving. There's a trail of men all besotted with her. And among her clients she can count some of the richest women in France. Not bad, she reflects, for an orphan girl. She will BE someone; she knows it. She will cast a shadow. These women will see.

18 - Already tonight, Coco has felt herself on the edge of a sensation. For Caryathis has arrived hatless, and with her hair severely cropped. Scarcely able to contain her delight, Coco asks, "My dear, what have you done?"

19 - Coco is thrilled by the reaction Caryathis elicits from the gathering throng. The trajectories of most opera glasses confirm her as the focus of a thousand eyes. Sitting next to her, Coco glories in the attention. There's something about the two of them together that invites scandal, she knows. She's quick to grasp the impact they have on those around them.

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Monday, December 6

10. Jimmy Kimmel: You know, between the made-up words and the wildly shooting at anything that moves, Sarah Palin's rapidly becoming Elmer Fudd.

9. David Letterman: President Obama is meeting with Republicans, and they're calling it the Slurpee Summit, I'm not sure why. I remember that other White House Slurpee Summit, but that was Monica.

8. Conan O'Brien: States are trying anything to get themselves out of debt. Among those taking desperate measures, Illinois, Arizona and North Dacoca Cola.

7. Jay Leno: Things are so different in L.A. I passed a Christmas tree lot on Hollywood Boulevard, had a needle exchange program. 

6. David Letterman: Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Wait till he finds out.

5. Jay Leno: A Chinese passenger train set a new world record, going 302 miles an hour. And unlike Amtrak, this was on purpose. 

4. Jimmy Fallon: A study found that good-looking people are more likely to have daughters than sons. While ugly people are more likely to have cats.

3. Jay Leno: A man in Florida auctioned off a pair of Queen Elizabeth's underwear. You know where they were found? Onstage after a Justin Bieber concert.

2. Craig Ferguson: I like to keep our house cool at 65 degrees, but my wife likes it at 70 degrees. So we compromise and keep it at 70 degrees. If you think that's not compromise, you're not married.

1. Conan O'Brien: Developers in Kentucky plan on opening a Creationist theme park. When asked what the park would look like, the developers said, "It's still evolving."

Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky by Chris Greenhalgh, Riverhead Books 2002

In Paris in 1913 beautiful Coco Chanel attends the riotous premiere of Igor Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring." In 1920 she invites the penniless Igor, with his wife and four children, who have fled from the Russian Revolution, to live with her in her villa outside Paris. There Coco and Igor start a tempestuous love affair.

Page 16 - [Coco in the audience at the premiere of Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring"] They regard her, these women, with disapproval, without quite knowing why. It's not as if she's more decorative. Quite the opposite. If anything, the cut of her clothes is austere. The simplicity of her gown, its restrained elegance, makes them seem almost gaudy in comparison. And her silhouette is intimidatingly slim. It is this quality of understatement, this nonchalance de luxe, they find disrespectful. The impression she gives is that she's not even trying. It seems so effortless, they feel undermined.

17 - The place reeks of privilege. Diamonds glitter and pearls scintillate under the chandeliers. For a moment she feels like an imposter. Memories of her upbringing crowd her brain: a dilapidated farmhouse, a tiny allotment, mother sick and father absent, her brothers and sisters squabbling like so many hens in the yard...

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Friday, December 3
(Only Leno & Ferguson live)

10. Craig Ferguson: Prohibition was the 18th Amendment, and then came the 19th Amendment which gave women the right to vote. There was your double whammy. No booze, and then you had to start listening to women's opinions about stuff. Am I right, chauvinists? There are a lot of ladies in the audience going, 'Ha ha. We can laugh, Craig. We know you're afraid of us.'"

9. Craig Ferguson: "Prohibition gave us speakeasies, with a little peephole so the guy could look at your eyes and tell whether you were a cop or not. There's still one bar like that in West Hollywood, but they don't look to see if you have cop eyes, just that your eyes look fabulous. I always pass with flying colors. And once you get inside there are other holes, but they're not at eye level. And you don't speak into them. I've said too much."

8. Craig Ferguson: "Prohibition also gave us NASCAR, because moonshiners had to soup up their cars to outrun the cops. 'He's gaining on us! He's gaining on us! And I can see his cop eyes.'"

7. Craig Ferguson: "It must not have been fun being a cop during Prohibition. 'Congratulations, men. We shut down the huge whiskey operation. A round of water for everyone.'"

6. Craig Ferguson: " I can't imagine Hollywood during Prohibition. David Hasselhoff would have been eating at the table. Mel Gibson's phone calls would have been rubbish."

5. Craig Ferguson: "Temperance spread around the world, even to Scotland. A record number of people swore off drinking. The whole country changed for an entire afternoon."

4. Craig Ferguson: "Spain is in debt. They have to sell their crown jewels. Don't be sad, Spain. I've sold mine many times. Some of the best dates I've ever had. You think you're bankrupt, and suddenly there's romance in the air."

3. Jay Leno guest Louis C.K.: "But white people have bad things that happened to us, like when they took our slaves away. So I guess it's even."

2. Jay Leno: "Nigerian authorities are charging former Vice President Dick Cheney on a bribery scandal that involves Haliburton. That's when you know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing YOU of running a scam. Cheney has offered to be hooked up to a polygraph, as soon as he's unhooked from the defibrillator."

1. Jay Leno: "President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan today. Nobody knew he was going, except of course for the WikiLeaks guy."

Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky by Chris Greenhalgh, Riverhead Books 2002

In Paris in 1913 beautiful Coco Chanel attends the riotous premiere of Igor Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring." In 1920 she invites the penniless Igor, with his wife and four children, who have fled from the Russian Revolution, to live with her in her villa outside Paris. There Coco and Igor start a tempestuous love affair.

Page 14 - [Before the "Rite of Spring" premiere] Igor worries that the score is too difficult and that the dancers aren't fully prepared. The choreography is too intricate, he thinks. He's told Nijinsky over and over, but he doesn't listen. He seems incapable of counting properly and has trouble even clapping in time. Meanwhile Diaghilev just indulges him; his lover, of course, can do no wrong.

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Thursday, December 2
(Letterman and Fallon in reruns)

10. Craig Ferguson: "I was actually at the Grammy ceremony, because CBS asked me to read the nominations for Best Female Country Vocal Performance, which was the award I really wanted."

9. Jay Leno: "The Russian space agency said they'll put up a satellite to clean up all the space junk floating out there. NASA said, 'Hey, you touch our junk and we'll have you arrested.'"

8. Craig Ferguson: "Ever since I got the Grammy nomination people have been coming up to me and saying, 'Craig, put on your pants!'"

7. Jimmy Kimmel:  Justin Bieber was nominated for Best New Artist. How does that make the other nominees feel? It's like being nominated for Best Supporting Actress and then learning Snooki was nominated too. Via satellite from London the Bieber thanked Usher, his mother, and his testicles, for waiting so long to descend."

6. Jay Leno: "According to 'Nature Magazine' there are 300 sextillion stars in the universe. Yet they couldn't find one anybody had ever heard of to appear on 'Skating with the Stars.' And doesn't a sextillion sound like a party Charlie Sheen would throw?"

5. Conan O'Brien: "Cee Lo's song 'F. You' was nominated for a Grammy. He says he'll sing the song if he wins, and definitely if he loses."

4. Jon Stewart: "Don't Ask Don't Tell: Queer and Present Danger: Gaypocalypse Now: A study among military personnel shows that they don't care if their brothers in arms like to hold brothers in their arms."

3. Jay Leno: "A  man who loaned his now-ex-girlfriend money for breast implants is suing. He wants either the money or the implants back. Couldn't they just work out something like weekly visitation rights?"

2. Craig Ferguson: "Usually my days are filled with gloom and self-loathing and a horrible smell, but yesterday I got nominated for a Grammy Award! I was nominated for the spoken-word version of my autobiography. It's the same category Al Gore won a few years ago. Unfortunately, his spoken words were, 'More lotion, lower down. I invented the internet. I deserve a reward.'"

1. Jay Leno: "There's a promiscuity gene that makes you more likely to sleep around and cheat on your spouse. On the plus side, it also makes you better able to shoot a basketball, play football, hit a golf ball, [looking at the band] or play a musical instrument ."

"Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary" by David Sedaris, Little, Brown & Company 2010

Page 159 - I used to think that there were great horned owls and not-so-great horned owls. I'd put my former mate and myself in the first category, and from that lofty vantage point, we'd looked down upon my family. Now they were looking down on ME: A son, A brother. A cousin, a nephew, a half-baked know-it-all standing beside a grease-blackened gerbil at the gaping back door of a hippopotamus. Even discounting the singing leeches, it really was stunning: the trio of new found friends, so far-fetched we simply had to be true.

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Wednesday, December 1
(Letterman and Fallon in reruns)

10. Jay Leno: "Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah has an entire wing in the hospital where he's recovering from back surgery. If you have enough money you can have as many rooms as you want, or as Republicans call it, health care reform."

9. Jay Leno: "Today John McCain announced, 'We must bring about a regime change in North Korea!' to which the waitress replied, 'Sir, if you don't order now you'll miss the early bird special.'"

8. Jay Leno: "Tonight President Obama issued his annual Hannukah message. When the son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas, elected President thanks to Latino voters, gives an address over his Japanese computer, serviced by technicians in India, to Hebrew people of this land we took from Native Americans, that's what this country is all about."

7. Conan O'Brien: "Justin Bieber says that in spite of already having millions of dollars, he's going to college. He plans to major somewhere between men's and women's studies."

6. Conan O'Brien: "Tonight at the White House President Obama is having a ceremony for the first night of Hannukah. The Republicans are saying it's worse than they thought. He's a Jewish Muslim."

5. Craig Ferguson: "Advertisers are desperate for new media, because everybody DVRs the shows and fast forwards through the commercials. Except this show. 'Get past the Scottish guy. I want to learn about boner pills.'"

4. Craig Ferguson: "Happy 75th birthday to Woody Allen. It's not easy finding a card that says, 'Happy Birthday, Dad/Husband.'"

3. Jimmy Kimmel: "There's an arrest warrant for the WikiLeaks owner, not for the leaks but for rape allegations in Sweden. He did an interview by Skype from a secret location and said Hillary Clinton should resign for asking American diplomats to spy on their counterparts. Thanks, we'll make a note of that, creepy Australian hacker who's wanted for rape."

2. Jimmy Kimmel: "Hillary doesn't quit. If she didn't quit her marriage after she found out her husband put a cigar up an intern,  she ain't gonna quit over this. You're barking up the wrong pants suit."

1. Jay Leno: "Here's the latest on our country's top-secret documents. We don't have any anymore. But the head of WikiLeaks has had to go into hiding. He's somewhere all by himself. Officials think he may be in a theater showing 'Burlesque.'"

"Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary" by David Sedaris, Little, Brown & Company 2010

Page 147 - A sign in front of the hippo display read, LOIS, but that, she explained, was just her slave name.

149 - [An owl speaking] On my way home that night, I picked up a rabbit. It was on the small side, and no sooner had I started eating than my mother appeared. "I'll wait until you're finished," she said in that particular way that means What kind of son can't offer his mother so much as an appendage? Sighing, I ripped off an ear and passed it over.

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December Strangies

December  Strangies: Leno 5, O'Brien 5, Letterman 3, Fallon 2, Ferguson 1, Kimmel 1

Wednesday, December 1 Strangie to Jay Leno: "Here's the latest on our country's top-secret documents. We don't have any anymore. But the head of WikiLeaks has had to go into hiding. He's somewhere all by himself. Officials think he may be in a theater showing 'Burlesque.'"

Thursday, December 2 Strangie to
Jay Leno: "There's a promiscuity gene that makes you more likely to sleep around and cheat on your spouse. On the plus side, it also makes you better able to shoot a basketball, play football, hit a golf ball, [looking at the band] or play a musical instrument ."

Friday, December 3 Strangie to
Jay Leno: "President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan today. Nobody knew he was going, except of course for the WikiLeaks guy."

Monday, December 6 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: Developers in Kentucky plan on opening a Creationist theme park. When asked what the park would look like, the developers said, "It's still evolving."

Tuesday, December 7 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: One out of three men age 75 to 95 described themselves as sexually active. The other two described themselves as "not rich."

Wednesday, December 8 Strangie to David Letterman: So it's Bush tax cuts for two more years, and then it'll be up to President Palin.

Thursday, December 9 Strangie to Jay Leno: Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney's up in Whoville, stealing Christmas.

Friday, December 10 Strangie to Craig Ferguson: Johnny Depp's partner and the mother of his children is Vanessa Paradis. I wonder why the press doesn't give them a cute name like Brangelina? They could call them Vajohnny.

Monday, December 13 Strangie to
Jimmy Kimmel: Miley Cyrus was caught on tape smoking Salvia out of a bong. People should give Miley a break. She just had one hit, same as her dad.

Tuesday, December 14 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: For the first time an all-female team won CBS's "Amazing Race." The two women described their secret technique as "asking directions."

Wednesday, December 15 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: The Marine Corps' top general suggested allowing gay soldiers on the battlefield would pose a distraction. Especially the really hot ones.

Thursday, December 16 Strangie to
David Letterman: Tonight was Larry King's last show. In a tearful moment he denied being a lesbian. Anyway, chalk up another kill for Jay Leno.

Friday, December 17 Strangie to
Jimmy Fallon: Southwest Airlines may soon be offering international flights, which would answer the age-old question: What would it be like to take a bus across the Atlantic?

Monday, December 20 Strangie to
David Letterman: Now if you're in the military and want to engage in gay activity you just have to fill out the HB-290 Homosexual Behavior Requisition Form.

Tuesday, December 21 Strangie to
Jay Leno: Congratulations to Shania Twain. She's engaged to the ex-husband of the woman her husband left her for in 2008. Now that's what I call regifting.

Wednesday, December 22 Strangie to
Jimmy Fallon: Another actor was injured in "Spiderman, the Musical" when he fell 30 feet into the orchestra pit. At this point they're not going to change anything. They're just going to rename the show "Jackass 4."

Thursday, December 23 Strangie to
Conan O'Brien: China has just opened the first all-robot-waiter restaurant. The sad part is that they were designed to be robot actors. [In robot voice] "I'm just doing this for now."

For each day's top 10 late-night zingers follow me on Twitter
@strangedejim

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Can enemies become friends? Watch a blue-collar Catholic neighborhood peacefully add "World's Gay Capital" to its list of attractions.



What's the secret of True Love, and does it really conquer all? Billions of Virgins in Ecstasy: The Memoirs of Strange de Jim, Ash-Kar Press 2007

 

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