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America's Late-Night-TV Zingers, December 2009

Collected and rated by Strange de Jim

Wednesday, December 23 winner David Letterman: "At my house Christmas eve we're going to build a big roaring fire in the fireplace, get the Regis Philbin Christmas CD, and throw it into the flames."

December wins: O'Brien 3, Leno 3, Ferguson 3, Letterman 3, Colbert 2, Kimmel 2, Fallon 1


Tuesday, December 1 winner Craig Ferguson: "Women get push up bras. Why don't we get push up briefs?"

Wednesday, December 2 winner Jay Leno: "Tiger Woods is now the favorite to win the Ryder Cup. How could he cheat on his wife, who's clearly a 19? That's a 10 with a 9 iron."

Thursday, December 3 winner Conan O'Brien: "One of Tiger's mistresses said she got a text from him saying that the next time they got together he was going to 'wear her out.' Even in sex he likes to psych out his opponent."

Friday, December 4 winner Conan O'Brien: "The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey has died at 104. His last words were, 'I can't believe that's what it's all about."

Extra winner Seth Meyers on "SNL:" "No Pubic Option: Last Friday Tiger Woods hit a tree and a bunch of ladies fell out."

Monday, December 7 winner Craig Ferguson: "Today the seventh woman came forward. This is like 'Spartacus:' 'I am Tiger's mistress.' 'I am Tiger's mistress.' One of the mistresses is supposed to be a TV personality. I hope it's me."

Tuesday, December 8 winner Conan O'Brien: "It's freezing. People in L.A. who saw their breaths for the first time thought their spirits were leaving their bodies."

Wednesday, December 9 winner David Letterman: "Today Tiger Woods was arrested for trying to steal back his sports memorabilia."

Thursday, December 10 winner Jay Leno: "What do you call parents who wait too long to tell their kids the facts of life? Grandparents."

Friday, December 11 winner Jimmy Kimmel: "On his website doingit.com Tiger says he's taking a leave from golf. To get back in everybody's good graces he's going to have to find Osama bin Laden."

Monday, December 14 winner Jimmy Fallon: "It must be hard for Tiger to give up golf. It's his second-favorite thing."

Tuesday, December 15 winner Stephen Colbert: "Here's to Hermaphrepublican Joe Lieberman. For he's a jowly good fellow. Your coverage will be denied."

Wednesday, December 16 winner Stephen Colbert: "Tiger's losing his endorsements. Companies are finding out he was endorsing other companies on the side."

Thursday, December 17 winner David Letterman: "'Avatar' cost $500 million, the most expensive movie ever made, unless it turns out there's a Tiger Woods video."

Friday, December 18 winner Jimmy Kimmel: "A 22-year-old's virginity comes to a shrieking end this weekend when Kevin Jonas trades his purity ring for a wedding ring, an impurity ring. Monday his brothers are going to have a lot of questions for him."

Monday, December 21 winner Jay Leno: "The House is debating a law that would make it illegal for commercials to be louder than the programs. The only program not affected would be 'The View.'"

Tuesday, December 22 winner Craig Ferguson: "The guy next to me on the plane pulled down his tray and started addressing Christmas cards. I'd had no idea he was gay. So I opened my pants and fell asleep."

Wednesday, December 23 winner David Letterman: "At my house Christmas eve we're going to build a big roaring fire in the fireplace, get the Regis Philbin Christmas CD, and throw it into the flames."

All shows in reruns December 24 - 31.

Tuesday, December 1
Leno preempted by Obama speech, Letterman and Fallon in reruns

Winner Craig Ferguson: "Women get push up bras. Why don't we get push up briefs?"

Jon Stewart: Segment on Dubai financial collapse: "United Arab Emirage."

Chelsea Handler panelist: "I went to a Catholic boys school, and we certainly couldn't wear girls' clothes, but mainly because it would make us less attractive to the priests."

Stephen Colbert: "God, Frankincense and Mars: The Vatican is looking for life on other planets. Start typing, Dan Brown."

Conan O'Brien: "Tiger Woods has been charged with careless driving and fined $164. He didn't know they made money that small. His new Nike ad says, 'Just do it — or my wife will bring out the nine iron.'" "At the White House the password is no longer, 'Seriously, they said we could come.'" "The CEO of General Motors has quit and is being replaced by a man who recently said he knew nothing about cars. That man is the CEO of Chrysler." "Tonight was the 'Victoria's Secret Fashion Show,' the best night of the year for guys without internet access."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Obama has decided to pave over Afghanistan and open a Wal-Mart." "I wasn't surprised at those gate crashers. It's not hard to sneak into the White House. George Bush got in twice."

Craig Ferguson: "Gatorade is sticking with Tiger Woods, but they might want to change their slogan, 'Is it in you?'" "At the Climate Conference you can shake Al Gore's hand for $1,200, and for an extra $50 he'll wipe off the gravy first." "President Obama's speech preempted Jay Leno, and it was his Christmas show: 'The Chin That Stole Christmas.'" "Did you watch the 'Victoria's Secret Fashion Show?' Those things never look as good on me. And what's with that model walk? They look like a cross between a pony and a Nazi."

Peter's adolescence was pure porn: he'd actually had sex with half the guys on his high school's football team. When I asked him how he'd managed to do this, he said, "I was just really friendly, and most of the guys' girlfriends wouldn't have sex with them, or not often, and I would."

Wednesday, December 2

Winner Jay Leno: "Tiger Woods is now the favorite to win the Ryder Cup. How could he cheat on his wife, who's clearly a 19? That's a 10 with a 9 iron."

Jay Leno: "Of course Nike's sticking by Tiger. Their slogan is 'Just do it!.'" "Well, we're now on an 18-month deadline in Afghanistan. The Taliban is on a 19-month deadline. President Obama made his speech from West Point, since the White House isn't secure enough. How about those White House crashers? They also crashed the Black Caucus, and if you've seen them, you know that's quite a trick." Jay showed a clip of the press conference where that Iraqi shoe thrower got a shoe thrown at him. The thrower was George W. Bush. "Sarah Palin, a governor who isn't a governor, is on a tour to promote a book she didn't write, in a bus she doesn't ride. She takes a private jet. And then she blasts other politicians for not being real." "Derek Jeeter has been named Sportsman of the Year. Tiger, of course, is Playah of the Year."

Jon Stewart: Jon showed George Bush and then President Obama announcing they were sending 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. "What? Is 30,000 troops the Army equivalent of two Advil?" "Artificial Meat: WE DID IT!: In your face, penicillin!" A clip showed a scientist saying it tasted like soggy pork. "And you know how good soggy pork tastes. They say they're five years away from being able to use it in sausage. Sausage, asshole-grade pork."

Stephen Colbert: "President Obama is sending 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. For some reason Tiger Woods has volunteered to go. Obama went an all the major networks, plus NBC. He bumped the Charlie Brown special, so it was literally an assault on Christmas."

Conan O'Brien: "One of the women said that Tiger never talked about golf during sex, though he was contractually obligated to mention Nike and Gatorade." "The Christmas tree was lit in Rockefeller Center tonight. Here in L.A. we just light Paula Abdul's breath." "Not making the list of most-used words this year, 'Chryslermania.'" "Broadway has a new show called 'The Gayest Christmas Pageant Ever.' Oddly enough, it's only the tenth gayest show on Broadway." "A study shows single men watch porn three times a week for forty minutes. I'm sorry, that's forty times a week for three minutes."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Did you have sex with Tiger Woods, Guillermo?" Guillermo: "No way, Jimmy." Jimmy: "Why? Because he's black? It seems Tiger made a hole in the wrong one.

Craig Ferguson: "Obama is sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, and the Nobel Peace Prize committee is rethinking things. One good thing, the first to go will be those White House party crashers." "Susan Boyle's album is #1. What can I say, sex sells. Adam Lambert is #2, and he says being under Susan Boyle has made him even more gay." "Today three more women said they'd had sex with Tiger Woods. The police are through with the car crash and won't take him into custody, no matter how hard he begs." "It's Christmas in L.A. Already actresses are throwing up egg nog." "Regis's hip replacement surgery went well. And that's the only time you'll see the words 'hip' and 'Regis' in the same sentence."

It's hard to imagine that some of the mightiest brains on the planet, fueled by some of the finest pizza that money can buy, haven't at some point thought, "Wouldn't it be easier if we all just standardized on one type of DC power supply?"

Thursday, December 3

Winner Conan O'Brien: "One of Tiger's mistresses said she got a text from him saying that the next time they got together he was going to 'wear her out.' Even in sex he likes to psych out his opponent."

Jay Leno: "Britney Spears is 28. Seems like just yesterday when she was that little bald girl with no panties." "Tiger Woods hit that tree in his Cadillac Escapade. He was fined $164, plus $5 million for jewelry for his wife. He apologized for transgressions. He had transgressions with one woman 20 times. We knew he liked to play different courses. One odd thing, several women, but no women golfers. President Obama says the surge in Afghanistan will cost $30 billion, but that's still less than Tiger's surge is going to cost him." "The Mayor of Baltimore was convicted of stealing $1,000 that was meant for the poor. She says it was an honest mistake. She thought it was a bribe." "A new study shows loneliness can be contagious. How?"

Jon Stewart: Title of segment on Swiss ban on minarets: "Single Prayer Option." Title on segment about New York State Senate killing a bill to allow gay marriage: "Empire Straight."

Stephen Colbert: "Tiger's sorry he ever got a cell phone. Tiger always gives 110%. That's how he was able to give his wife 100% and still have 10% to his mistress. She only told on him when she found out he was cheating on her with another mistress."

Conan O'Brien: "Comcast has bought a majority interest in NBC. Still no word on why." "ABC has canceled Adam Lambert's appearance on 'New Years Rocking Eve.' He wanted to see two giant balls drop."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Last night was the big tree lighting ceremony in Rockefeller Center. I don't know why they get so excited. Here in California we set whole forests on fire." "You remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger was cast as Governor of California. It was the most expensive disaster movie of all time." "Who would have thought the whole nation would come to a standstill because a golfer crashed his car into a tree?"

Craig Ferguson: "Barbara Walters has picked her Ten Most Fascinating People. This year it's just Tiger Woods and nine of his women." "Police in Texas have confiscated thousands of doses of Ecstasy with Obama's face on them. They give you hope and faith and then send you off to a faraway place." "Adam Lambert has been kicked off two more ABC shows because he simulated gay sex on an awards show. Well, if that's a crime, just slap the cuffs on me. One of the shows was 'New Years Rocking Eve' hosted by Ryan Seacrest. Talk about your double standard. Adam says not to worry. It'll all blow over."

[The bed of Archchancellor Ridcully of Unseen University had a shut-away privy] to save those long cold nocturnal excursions with their concomitant risk of tripping over slippers, empty bottles, shoes and all the other barriers presented to a man in the dark who is praying that the next thing that stubs his toe will be porcelain, or at least easy to clean.

Mrs. Whitlow, the housekeeper, she of the clanking chatelaine and huge creaking corset that caused the Chair of Indefinite Studies to swoon when he heard it, generally took great care to select staff who, while being female, were not excessively so.

Friday, December 4

Winner Conan O'Brien: "The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey has died at 104. His last words were, 'I can't believe that's what it's all about."

Jay Leno: "Well, we've certainly learned a lot about the mating habits of Tigers. We haven't seen a tiger act up like this since the one that ate Roy. One of the mistresses said Tiger was great in bed, but he took forever to line up the shot. One company's taking advantage already with a new cologne: Transgression." "Roman Polanski is being released to house arrest at his chalet. Is that a good idea? Here's a picture of the chalet." [There was a sign that said "Kids Stay Free."] "Did you see the video of that groom who updated his Facebook status during the ceremony? Later that night the bride updated hers from 'engaged' to 'disappointed.'" "Forty-three drug arrests were made at a Phish concert. What? They let the other 10,000 fans go free?" "ABC has canceled two more appearances by Adam Lambert, supposedly because they're owned by Disney and don't want to mar Disney's image. Have you seen what goes on there? One girl is in love with a beast; another lives with seven dwarves, and don't tell me Peter Pan isn't at least bi."

Chelsea Handler: "I like my men like I like my vaginal walls: strong." "I could move to Australia and raise a family. Of what I won't say." "Tiger Woods, you're an idiot. You cheat WITH the Swedish nanny, not ON her!" To her assistant Chuy: "Why did you lie to me? Why did you swear you didn't take two girls to your room?" Chuy: "I didn't take them. They took me." Panelist Jo Koy: "It was definitely the black part of Tiger that bought the Cadillac, and the Asian part that was driving."

Conan O'Brien: "A Roman Cardinal says gay people don't go to Heaven. Yeah? Who does God's hair?" "Sony is going to broadcast the World Soccer Championships in 3-D, bringing all the action into exactly no homes in America. We're not big fans." "Meredith Baxter just came out and has suddenly gotten a lot of new job offers. Scott Baio has just announced he too is a lesbian." "A groom did a Facebook update while he was getting married. Worse, it was, 'I'm totally getting laid tonight.'" Conan did his Tiger Woods jokes as though it were a golf match. He had a joke caddy, who chose the jokes and pulled them out of a golf bag as rolled parchments, while Andy Richter narrated in a hushed voice."Tiger's wife is renegotiating their prenup, and may get as much as $20 million. It's ironic that the only other person who makes that much money swinging a golf club is Tiger Woods. One mistress said he didn't talk about golf during sex, though he did keep his head down and his left arm straight. Another mistress said he was great in bed, and Tiger's paying her $3 million to KEEP talking."

Jimmy Kimmel: "One piece of good news. Seven million fewer people are going to have to attend office Christmas parties this year." "Sun-Maid Raisins have updated their Raisin Girl, and not everyone approves" The Land O Lakes Butter Girl came on and said, "now she's a slut." Then Jimmy showed a photo of the new Raisin Girl with Tiger Woods.

Craig Ferguson: "Jared from the Subway commercials has gained all the weight back, strangely by eating sandwiches. The company is standing by him, though. They're changing their name to Chubway." "The new Cadillac Escalade has windows that can't be shattered by a golf club." "Snow globes with more than three ounces of liquid are no longer allowed on airplanes, so if your globes are larger than three ounces, congratulations. You too, ladies."

... and then the thing disappeared down another gloomy corridor, incessantly making that flat honking noise of the sort duck hunters make just before they are shot by other duck hunters.

From above came the sound of a match being struck, and a circle of yellow light expanded on the ceiling as the candle that never went out was relit.

Extra ZingersDecember 4 - 5

Extra winner Seth Meyers on "SNL:" "No Pubic Option: Last Friday Tiger Woods hit a tree and a bunch of ladies fell out."

Joel McHale on "The Soup:" "Just when you thought the world had run out of testy whores ..." [A reality show contestant explained] "Bitch, I'm a bartender and only go on the pole when I'm bored." "Just before Regis went in for hip surgery he told Kelly he wanted her to have breast enhancement surgery, because he'd been wanting that for eight years."

Dov Davidoff on Comedy Central: [On the reality show about women who didn't know they were pregnant]: "She looked in the toilet, and nothing could have prepared her for what was looking back at her."

John Huck on Comedy Central: "I'm writing a diet book called 'Cocaine and Depletion: Cry Yourself Thin.'" "I didn't masturbate for an entire week, and then a whole baby came out, so if you want to buy a baby, it's in my sock." "I was at this funeral where everybody kept saying, 'At least he died doing what he loved.' He loved falling off a mountain and breaking his head on sharp rocks? My friends and family have a hard enough time just putting up with me. I don't want them to have to find me dead doing what I love."

Vanessa Graddik on Comedy Central: "If something's going inside of me it's going to be food or liquor or perhaps you, sir." "When guys want me to call them Daddy, I go, 'Where have you been all these years? You just show up here naked? I think you owe me several thousand dollars allowance.'"

Mike Winfield on Comedy Central: "I called 991 and said, 'Don't ask why she was mad at me. Just get someone over here to get me out of this dryer."

Wanda Sykes: "Tiger called 9 Iron-1-1." "If Obama doesn't get crackin' he's going to ruin it for the next black President in 3008." "A woman gave birth this week to a 15-pound baby, who was immediately arrested for assault."

Seth Meyers on "SNL:"His sponsors are standing behind Tiger, which proves women don't watch golf. Half the ads are for erectile dysfunction and the other half are products you use when it failed completely." "The Rockefeller Center tree lighting ceremony was marred when Aretha Franklin was caught in a bear's mouth."

"Did you see the World Aids Day special, 'Your Test Came Back Positive, Charlie Brown?'" "The Cookie Monster groped Tyra Banks, but how can you expect the Cookie Monster to resist that much brown sugar?"

Nero Wolfe is my favorite detective. In this case the kidnapping of a charming socialite turns into murder.

Saul Panzer always looked as if he would need a shave in another hour, he wore a cap instead of a hat, and his pants had always been pressed a week ago.

Frost didn't seem to look as much like Abraham Lincoln as he had Wednesday afternoon, but that may have been because I had never seen a picture of Lincoln simmering.

Monday, December 7

Winner Craig Ferguson: "Today the seventh woman came forward. This is like 'Spartacus:' 'I am Tiger's mistress.' 'I am Tiger's mistress.' One of the mistresses is supposed to be a TV personality. I hope it's me."

David Letterman [back from a week's vacation]: "If this Tiger Woods thing had happened three months ago I'd've had material for a year. There's been no media firestorm as big as this since, well, my gay kiss with Adam Lambert. President Obama is sending troops to Afghanistan. Hell, he ought to be sending them to Tiger Woods' house. I wish Tiger would stop calling me for advice. They're saying he may lose his Wheaties endorsement. Gosh, if he's this active, maybe he deserves to be on the Wheaties box." "How many of you people are here tonight because you couldn't sneak into the White House? Since 1980 there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George W. Bush." "Our best wishes to Regis, recovering from hip replacement surgery. Too much pressure was being put on his hip by his wallet. They used a very potent anesthetic, 'The Regis Philbin Christmas Album.'" Guest Ray Romano imagined the astronauts must be upset when they're diverted to land in California. "Damn, I parked my car in Florida."
Top Ten Ways Tiger Woods Can Improve His Image: 9. Change name from "Tiger" to more adorable "Puppy." 6. Instead of sweatshops in Asia, have Nike merchandise made in a sweatshop right here in the U.S.A. 4. Safely land golf cart in the Hudson river. 3. Release list of women he did not have sex with. 2. Find Osama bin Laden. 1. Blame Letterman.

Jay Leno: "Comcast only has two more days to back out of their purchase of NBC under the lemon laws." "A Montana Senator is in trouble for sleeping with a woman and then giving her a job. It's part of the Give a Job, Get a Job Program." "There's going to be a new type of reality show, 'Tiger and Kate + 8.' Tiger's now been linked to 9 women. NBA players can't believe they're getting beaten by a golfer. Other athletes are afraid this kind of scandal could happen to them. Sammy Sosa's white as a sheet." "A man was arrested for trying to smuggle in a cooked chicken stuffed with cocaine. It was all a mistake. He'd ordered the heroin chicken." "Prostitutes in Copenhagen are giving free sex to delegates at the global warming convention. So global warming does have a happy ending." "A woman has gotten a restraining order against Mini-Me, Verne Troyer. Apparently he has a very short temper. She's even had to board up the doggy door." Headlines: Police report: "A man reported someone threw eggs at his house. He suspects the husband of a woman he was dating." Ad for "Helicopter Rides with Landing." News report: "The defendant returned to the courtroom to receive the sentence of life with possibility of parole Monday afternoon."

Jon Stewart: "I went to the White House for a Kennedy Center Honors dinner. I'd like to thank the Salahis for the extra security we all went through. Did I really need to be held down and have my junk shaved? Luckily, security was much lighter on the way out." He emptied out a tablecloth filled with souvenirs.

Stephen Colbert: "Raise your hand if you didn't have sex with Tiger Woods." "Fox & Facts: Fox has a new policy, besides keeping sharp objects away from Glenn Beck ..."

Conan O'Brien: "For Christmas you can now give her Star Trek Cologne. It say, 'I have no sexually transmitted diseases.'" "A man stole a Christmas tree and carried it away on a bike. You can see it in 'Charlie Brown's Crystal Meth Christmas.'" "An envelope that had been carried on the first Pony Express run in 1860 was sold for $500.000. It had contained an invitation to Larry King's bar mitzvah." "Britney Spears is denying the latest rumor. She says, 'If I was pregnant these cigs would be low tar.'" "Nine women have claimed to have had sex with Tiger Woods, so he's already four over par. One of the women is a British sportscaster, now known as The British Open."

Jimmy Fallon in a golf announcer's voice: "Tiger's up to the seventh hole." "The women say Tiger doesn't just jump into sex. He crouches down and surveys the terrain." "Prostitutes in Copenhagen are giving free sex to delegates at the global warming conference. Of course it's an extra $50 if you want the low carbon emissionary position."

Craig Ferguson: "There are more leaks in our studio roof when it rains than in Hugh Hefner's diaper." "A man robbed a bank while wearing a Richard Nixon mask. I thought Presidents robbed us and gave it to the banks." "What do we expect from Tiger? He has 'wood' in his name, for God's sakes. And he plays a game with holes and bags and balls and strokes."

Three excellent short mysteries.

Not counting me, he was easily the best-looking male in the room.

But [inspector] Cramer, like a sap, gave the order to seal it up until further notice, in Wolfe's hearing. He knew damn well that Wolfe spent at least three hundred evenings a year in there, in the only chair and under the only light that he really liked, and that was why he did it. It was a mistake. If he hadn't made it, Wolfe might have called his attention to a certain fact as soon as Wolfe saw it himself, and Cramer would have been saved a lot of trouble.

Tuesday, December 8

Winner Conan O'Brien: "It's freezing. People in L.A. who saw their breaths for the first time thought their spirits were leaving their bodies."

David Letterman: "Barbara Walters is on the show tonight. So far she has not been linked to Tiger Woods. So far." "Regis just had hip replacement surgery. It was his last original part. Actually 'hip replacement' is code for 'rehab.'" "Those White House crashers, you can't blame them for going where they're not invited. Isn't that our whole foreign policy?" "At the global warming summit, today they put a cap on the number of hot girlfriends allowed for Tiger Woods."

Jay Leno: "Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin's daughter's baby daddy, is writing his memoirs. Well, not himself. He's using a ghost moron." "A 13-year-old girl led the police on a 100 mile-per-hour chase. It would have been faster, but she was texting the whole time." "What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa Claus quits after three ho's. Tiger's mother-in-law was rushed to the hospital with stomach trouble. She'd swallowed his explanations at first ... Reportedly Tiger paid one woman seven figures to keep quiet. He puts his money where his mouth was. Woman #10 is a waitress in a pancake house. Tiger loves pancakes, though not as much as he loves pigs in a blanket."

Conan O'Brien: "The deposed Miss California refused a midnight appearance because she said it would conflict with her image as a devout Christian. Besides, she already had an appointment to masturbate into a camera." "Tiger Woods' wife has purchased a house in Sweden with her twin sister. Tiger said, 'She has a twin sister?' Gatorade has canceled plans for a Tiger Focus drink. It didn't help that their slogan is 'Is it in you?'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "It's freezing in LA For the first time Ryan Seacrest's tips got frosted naturally." "Tiger Woods' mother-in-law has been staying at his house, I guess to help in the beatings. Have you seen his list of mistresses? No wonder I can't get a drink. All the cocktail waitresses are off sleeping with Tiger." "Lady Gaga was presented to the Queen of England, who asked her where Lord Gaga was."

Jimmy Fallon: "At least Tiger's holding on to most of his endorsements. Well, if anyone epitomizes 'Just do it!' ... There's a nude photo of Tiger circulating. His face is covered, but you can recognize the way he grips his club." "Virgin is offering space flights for $200,000, or $200,020 if you want to check a bag." "Facebook is advising members on how to protect yourself against sexual predators. This from the site that invites you to poke people you don't even know."

Craig Ferguson: "CBS is canceling 'As the World Turns' after 54 years. But if you're addicted to convoluted sexual plots you can always watch golf. I can't believe Gatorade canceled Tiger's endorsement deal. Who knows more about replacing bodily fluids than a guy with nine mistresses?"

Mike Brownstone: "Tiger's had to change his name. Now he's Cheetah Woods."

He had got the phrase from a leader in the "Times," which the wizards did not like much because it either did not print what they said or printed what they said with embarrassing accuracy.

[Working in the vats] meant that, as far as the job market was concerned, you had been still accelerating when you'd hit the bottom of the barrel and had been drilled into the bedrock. It meant that you no longer had enough charisma to be a beggar ... It meant that it you dared to look up you would see, high above you, the dregs of society."

Wednesday, December 9

Winner David Letterman: "Today Tiger Woods was arrested for trying to steal back his sports memorabilia."

David Letterman: "Be careful. Yesterday I bought what I thought was a Zhu Zhu Pet from a guy on the street, turned out to be a tranquilized rat." "You know what makes a perfect stocking stuffer? Mayor Bloomberg." "A guy lost $125 million gambling and is suing Caesar's Palace. Lehman Brothers heard about it and went, 'Only $125 million? Amateur. Caesar's was nice about it. They comped his dinner, gave him a pass to see Bette Midler, and gave him a hat that said 'Jackass.'" "President Obama is going tomorrow to accept his Nobel Peace Prize, and, as you know, it's a predictor of the Oscar." "Gatorade has canceled Tiger's endorsement deal, and that may be a mistake. If he's been even half as busy as they say, he might be the guy you want to sell your energy drink." "Big party in London last night. You had the Queen. You had Lady Gaga , with her husband Lord Gaga, and you had the Salahis." "A high school janitor here in New York City went in to clean up a classroom, and there were two naked woman teachers having sex. It's the only time being a high school janitor has really paid off. He did the right thing. He turned them in, after about 45 minutes. The teachers, in their defense, it was show and tell."
Top Ten Signs The Nobel Prize Has Gone To President Obama's Head: 1. Claims he can bring peace to Tiger Woods' house.

Jay Leno: "It was so cold in L.A. today that Matthew McConaughey put his shirt on." "Police chased a 13-year-old girl for 9 miles. Roman Polanski said, 'I've done that.'" "Did you see the guy who was trapped up to his neck in a cess pool all day? He said, 'Better than Tiger.' Tiger's up to 11 women now. He lost his Gatorade endorsement, but he picked up In-N-Out." "A new study shows coffee is good for your prostate. You remember that slogan, 'Fill it to the rim with Brim.' You can buy it at Starbutts." Guest Jim Norton: "You know how to make sure a woman doesn't leave your place? Never pay up front."

Jon Stewart: "The government has a new program to create jobs by weatherizing homes. It's called Cash for Caulkers." He showed clips of newscasters trying to pronounce it.

Conan O'Brien: "Temperatures dropped into the forties here in LA The city has applied for federal disaster relief." "Two women, a Spanish teacher and a French teacher, were caught having sex in a New York City high school. Where was the field hockey coach?" "It turns out Rudolph had nose herpes." Andy Richter: "That's why the other reindeer wouldn't let him play reindeer games." Conan: "The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods slept with Ryan Seacrest. The rumor was started by Ryan Seacrest."

Jimmy Kimmel: "It was so cold in LA today that commuters had to use their medical marijuana cards to scrape the frost off their windshields. It was so cold two cocktail waitresses got their tongues stuck to Tiger Woods' zipper. When did Tiger find time to play golf?"

Jimmy Fallon: "The world's smallest woman, only 2'4" tall, has given birth to her third child. She's not able to breast feed, though. She just produces those little containers of nondairy creamer."

Craig Ferguson: "Barbara Walters picked Adam Lambert and Glenn Beck as two of the ten most fascinating people. One's a gay guy who causes a big fuss on TV, and the other is Adam Lambert."

The horse buses were not much faster than walking, but it wasn't you doing the walking.

It's a short walk from the palace to Unseen University; positions of power like to keep an eye on one another. Lady Margolotta had some sort of ... relationship with Vetinari. Everyone knew it, and that was all everyone knew. A dot dot dot relationship. One of those. And nobody had been able to join up the dots.

Thursday, December 10

Winner Jay Leno: "What do you call parents who wait too long to tell their kids the facts of life? Grandparents."

David Letterman: "It was so cold today the wind was howling like a high school janitor. You heard about the janitor who discovered two women teachers, naked, having activities? The teachers had a good excuse. They said the dog ate their clothes." "Good news about our friend Regis Phiblin, who just had hip replacement surgery to make him even hipper. Today he was recovered enough to start counting his money. Before the surgery his lovely wife Joy was there, and she leaned over and patted his hand and whispered, 'Sign the will.' "They've taken all Tiger Woods' endorsements off the air. A couple of months ago I had some trouble of my own, and sure enough, they yanked my commercial for Metamucil." "President Obama accepted his Nobel Peace Prize today, and then got right back to the business of running two wars. Even at the Nobel ceremony something weird happened. Did you see this?"

"This guy in China goes to the doctor, and they take x-rays, and they find inside his colon the TV remote, the clicker. So they take him into surgery, and after eight hours they're finally able to turn off Larry King. But when you lose the TV remote you always feel like a dope, because it's always in the last place you look.
Top Ten Text Messages Sent By Tiger Woods: 5. Did I leave a green jacket at your place?

Jay Leno: "It was so cold today, Tiger's wife threw a space heater at him." "Here's Sarah Palin signing books. If you're having a female author in your store, don't seat her under a big sign that says 'B.J.'s.'" "Apparently some of his mistresses have said Tiger is very well endowed, another example of 'Too big to fail.'" "A janitor in a New York City high school found two lesbian teachers having sex in a classroom. That's how unattractive students are today, that the teachers have to have sex with each other."

Jon Stewart: "President Obama accepted his Nobel Peace Prize today, and Will Smith was there. Well, Will knows that someday he's going to be playing him in the movie."

Conan O'Brien: "A poll found 44% wishing George Bush were back in office, and only 20% of them were comedy writers." "Adam Lambert may perform at the Oscars. No word on who he'll perform on." "A janitor walked in on two women teachers in a classroom having sex, and there was a student in the back of the room asking, 'Will we have to know this on the test?'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tiger Woods is up to 13 women, not counting his wife. These days Tiger turns on the TV and goes, 'Oh yeah, her.' The scandal's been great for internet traffic. A guy from Yahoo said, 'This Tiger thing is even better than Michael Jackson dying.' It's like Tiger whacked a big pinata, and the goodies keep coming." Jimmy had a clip of Billy Dee Williams offering the Franklin Mint collection of Tiger Woods Mistress Commemorative Plates, with even extra blank plates just in case. "ABC canceled Adam Lambert's appearances on two shows, including ours, but this morning he was on 'The View,' another ABC show. So I'm left having to hump my own face. They were afraid he'd say something too racy, but on 'The View' they knew he wouldn't get a word in edgewise."

Jimmy Fallon: "Tiger Woods is not going to get the Congressional Medal of Honor. However, Trojan has named him Customer of the Year." "There were 607 elves in a park here in New York today, trying to set a Guinness World Record. Also in the park were two college students who'd taken 'shrooms, and will never forget this day." "R. Kelly has turned in his memoirs. The book is only 13 chapters, but he swears he thought it was 18."

Craig Ferguson: "The public option for health care died in the Senate today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a preexisting condition." "George Stephanopoulos may take over for Diane Sawyer. Well, he has the legs for it." "Here are pictures of the strange blue lights that appeared in the sky over Oslo just before Obama arrived to receive a gift of gold from some wise men.

"I knew it wasn't a UFO. They'd have picked up Joe Biden and taken him back to his own planet. I'd go to Oslo if they'd just give out Nobels for fart jokes. Norway has reindeer, and, no, they don't fly. People say wouldn't that be magical. No. Have you ever had a bird poop on your head?"

Be one of the crowd? It went against everything a wizard stood for, and a wizard would not stand for anything if he could sit down for it, but even sitting down, you had to stand out.

But to get to be a senior wizard and stay there called for deep reserves of determination, viciousness and the sugared arrogance that is the mark of every true gentleman, as in "oh, was that your foot? I'm so terribly sorry."

Andy was a stone-cold psychopath who had a following only because it was safer than being in front of him.

Friday, December 11

Winner Jimmy Kimmel: "On his website doingit.com Tiger says he's taking a leave from golf. To get back in everybody's good graces he's going to have to find Osama bin Laden."

David Letterman: "Remember last year when Santa had to make that emergency landing in the Hudson?" "The N.Y. transportation system handles seven million riders every day. Today I was handled three times." "It's nice to go to your parents' house for Christmas, get to see a rotary phone again. This year everybody's coming to my house, or as we call it, the surge." "Are you going to watch the Tiger Woods Holiday Special?" Dave showed a clip of a car running into a tree. "The biggest pickup line at the Copenhagen environmental summit is, 'Is it getting hotter, or is it just you?' Good news, though. Scientists have noted a chill over Tiger Woods' house." "The biggest movie in the country is 'The Blind Side.' It's about hunting with Dick Cheney.
Top Ten Signs You're Having A Bad Holiday Season: 6. Instead of Zhu Zhu hamster, parents got you Zsa Zsa Gabor. 2. Your wife beat your car with a golf club.

Jay Leno: "President Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize in Norway just two weeks after Tiger Woods got crowned by a Swede." "Some people are upset they didn't get invited to the White House Christmas party this year. It's the White House. Just sneak in." "Mistress #7 said she wasn't a homewrecker; she had sex with Tiger while he was still single, at his bachelor party. Another really beautiful woman said Tiger's agent set her up to have sex with him. I've gotta get a new agent."

Conan O'Brien: "About 85% of kids who watch TV can recognize Tiger Woods, which is reasonable since he may be their dad." "Werewolf Taylor Lautner has been chosen to model for the Georgio Armani clothing line, which evidently doesn't include shirts." "Did you hear about that Chinese man who went to the hospital with a TV remote in his rear end? Or as he calls it, the Discovery Channel." "You know that New York high school where the janitor caught two teachers having lesbian sex? Now a female social studies teacher from the same school was caught having sex with a male student. It's the only high school in New York with a zero dropout rate." Conan has William Shatner read from Sarah Palin's "Going Rogue." You won't believe what happens next.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Hugh Hefner's ex Kendra just had a baby boy. Here's a picture." The baby had Tiger Woods' face.

Jimmy Fallon: "It's the season for Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Tiger's mistresses. Tiger says he and his women always hydrated with Gatorade, did it in the back of a Buick, and he charged it on his American Express." "In a poll 44% said they'd rather have President Bush back, and one of those was Barack Obama."

Craig Ferguson: "Happy Hanukkah to our Jewish viewer, Margaret Goldberg of Akron, Ohio." "Susan Boyle has great talent but has never been with a man. I, on the other hand, have no talent but have been with hundreds of men. That's not true. Thousands of men. A lot of Susan's success was due to the song she chose. What if she'd picked 'My Hump, My Hump?'"

Monday, December 14

Winner Jimmy Fallon: "It must be hard for Tiger to give up golf. It's his second-favorite thing."

David Letterman: "I don't put up Christmas lights. I just turn up the electric fence until it's white hot." "Tiger Woods is not playing golf for awhile. In fact the last person in the family to pick up a club was his wife. Tiger's wife is not wearing her wedding ring. She removed it to make room for a much, much bigger ring." "Somebody threw a statue at the Italian Prime Minister and broke his face open. I said, wow, this hasn't happened since, well, since I hosted the Academy Awards. Hit him in the face with a statuette, and then he backed over a fire hydrant, and then Gillette dropped him as a sponsor." "There was a special filmed at the White House, and now the Republicans are complaining President Obama bowed too low to Oprah." Click for Dave's Tiger Woods video game.

Jay Leno: "A study found that casual sex does not lead to lower self-esteem. It does, however, wreck your marriage and your Escalade. Tiger's decision to leave golf for awhile means millions in losses to the PGA, and cocktail waitresses will start having to live on tips again. One of the mistresses claims she didn't know Tiger was married. Come on, the only one who didn't know Tiger was married was Tiger." "A man in Scotland was arrested for having sex with his dog. What kind of sex did he like? Ruff." Headlines: Ad for "Campbell's Porn & Beans."

Jon Stewart: "World Warm Craft: Could global warming be the biggest hoax since the female orgasm? Right?"

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama told Oprah he'd give himself a B+. Oprah said, 'I didn't pay for a B+.'" "AT&T may drop Tiger Woods as a spokesperson. That hardly seems fair. They've made millions on his text messages alone. One woman said he'd text other women even while he was in bed with her. Champions never rest. The owners of the Tiger Woods video game say they're not worried about offending women. Their players don't know any."

Jimmy Fallon: "Michael Jackson's brothers are going on tour as The Jackson Four. It's a tribute to Michael by showing how bad they are without him. Yeah, like this weekend I'm going to pay to see And the Heartbreakers."

Craig Ferguson: "It's December 14th, and today the 14th mistress came forward. Can the condom industry survive without Tiger?" "Hugh Hefner's ex Kendra just had a baby. The kid has her eyes, her husband's nose and Hef's diapers." "The Italian Prime Minister got hit in the face, and it broke his nose and teeth. It's the worst injury to a world leader since Bill Clinton chipped a tooth on an intern."

Tuesday, December 15

Winner Stephen Colbert: "Here's to Hermaphrepublican Joe Lieberman. For he's a jowly good fellow. Your coverage will be denied."

David Letterman: "The Golden Globes, you people were nominated for Best Audience." "Those 500 terrorists and suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay are being sent to prison in Illinois. Well, this should make up for Chicago not getting the Olympics." "Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have broken up, but, Kate, if you're interested, there's an opening for a blonde golf wife." "Sarah Palin says global warming is a conspiracy, even though she can see the polar ice cap melting from her house. Doesn't believe in global warming, so maybe she doesn't read all the newspapers." "Today 42% of Americans view Tiger Woods favorably. And there's a name for that group: men. But he's losing his sponsors. Today Gillette dropped him, because he was caught in a hotel room with a Schick Quattro. There were photos of Tiger's wife pumping her own gas, and her wedding ring was missing. I think for awhile Tiger too will be using the self-service island." "Michelle Obama was showing Oprah through the White House, and they had photos of former Christmases at the White House."

Jay Leno: "There were big protests at the climate change summit. Police had to broadcast a speech by Al Gore to sedate the crowd." "Tiger is taking his wife on a cruise on his yacht, before it becomes her yacht." "The First Lady of South Carolina is divorcing the Governor. She didn't like the Second Lady."

Chelsea Handler panelist on Tiger Woods: "You're dealing with a guy who's used to playing 18 holes."

Stephen Colbert: "Tonight's guest is Grammy darling Alicia Keys. I didn't know my Grammy even knew her."

Conan O'Brien: "They've just uncovered 22 million e-mails from the administration of George W. Bush. They know they're his because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" "Tiger Woods is asking his wife to have another baby with him. 'Come on, I've been practicing like crazy!'" "Queen Elizabeth thinks Prince William is old enough to take over some of her duties. Yes, he's old enough to sit and wave." "A museum in L.A. is doing Homosexuals of the Old West. The title is 'You Don't Need a Horse to Ride.'" "A female weightlifter from Chile gave birth during a workout, and she hadn't even known she was pregnant. Worse, she didn't wipe down the bench afterward."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Christmas is almost here. Tiger has only nine more days to find that diamond the lady threw off the Titanic." "Oprah toured the White House. She's thinking of buying it." "The rate of new Tiger mistresses is declining, but the strain of old mistresses is mutating into something more virulent."

Jimmy Fallon: "I got a Christmas card from Tiger. On the front was Santa going, 'Ho, ho, ho!' Inside were eleven more hos." "Enough signatures have been collected in California to put legalizing marijuana on the ballot. Who'd have thought pot smokers would be good at passing something around."

Craig Ferguson had no monologue since it was his thousandth show. Congratulations!

Wednesday, December 16

Winner Stephen Colbert: "Tiger's losing his endorsements. Companies are finding out he was endorsing other companies on the side."

David Letterman: "Retail sales are up, which is excellent news for the economy ... of China." "Did you hear about the guy who got attacked by a woman with a salami? Here's the lesson, never take food away from Kirstie Alley. The whole thing was settled in Food Court." "Tiger Woods' sponsors are dropping him, and I know what that's like. You might remember, a couple of months ago I had some troubles of my own, and I was fired by Depends. Reports say Mrs. Tiger Woods had moving trucks at the house yesterday, which means she's loading up her half of the money. Tiger has dropped 33% in the polls, and that surprises me. If even half the stories we've been hearing are true, this guy's been doing pretty well in the poling." Guest Martin Short has a special that will be on after "Celebrity Gender Swap." Guest Robert Downey, Jr. was detained in Japan because felons aren't allowed into the country. "It was for those incidents in my distant past, not recent stuff like you and Tiger."

Jay Leno: "Santa dropped by Tiger's place to get updated on the girls who were naughty." "They've found 2.2 million missing White House e-mails. George W. Bush said he didn't send them, because he couldn't find a stamp." "Rihanna posed for pictures in 'GQ' so sexy that when Chris Brown saw them he started beating himself up." "One in six teens engages in sexting. Those aren't rollover minutes. Those are bendover minutes."

Jon Stewart segment title: "Highway to Health."

Stephen Colbert: "I think he'll come out OK on this sex scandal. No one's better that Tiger at getting his balls out of a trap."

Conan O'Brien: "Tiger's newest mistress is 48. She's on his Senior Tour. 50 Cent said Tiger wouldn't have gotten caught if he'd been more gangsta. Tiger said 50 wouldn't have gotten shot 9 times if he'd been more golfer." "President Obama has sent a private letter to North Korea's Kim Jong Il to try to ease our relations. It may not work, though, because it starts, 'Dear Mr. Girly Glasses.'" "Barry Williams of 'The Brady Bunch' got a restraining order against his old girlfriend. She plans to avoid him by working on TV." "An Olympic weightlifter gave birth during a training session, and she hadn't even known she was pregnant. She and the baby are fine, but her spotter will never be the same." Guest Wanda Sykes: "There were so many women I said, 'Wait a minute. Did I have sex with Tiger? No, I'm black.' You know, he has to be a much better golfer than what we've seen. Think how good his concentration would be if he didn't have to worry about all those women." Comedian Myq Kaplan: "People say, 'You're a vegetarian, so you like the environment. No, I eat the environment." "I love gay people. My wife is gay. We have an open relationship: divorce. In high school the jocks assumed I was gay. 'Complete sentences come out of his mouth. Dudes must go in.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "There's a rumor that Tiger's wife Elin may sign a deal with Nike competitor Puma for a line called Tretorn, which is what Tiger's Escalade was."

Jimmy Fallon: "The City of New York is running a condom design contest. The deadline is January 14, but a lot of guys will finish way before that." "An ivory and gold toothpick once owned by Charles Dickens was sold for $9,000. The catalog said it was in the best of condition, it was in the worst of condition." "Two people who met on that flight that crashed into the Hudson are dating. Makes sense. Once you've crapped your pants in front of someone ..."

Craig Ferguson: "The Associated Press has named Tiger Woods Athlete of the Decade. No kidding."

Thursday, December 17

Winner David Letterman: "'Avatar' cost $500 million, the most expensive movie ever made, unless it turns out there's a Tiger Woods video."

David Letterman: "What you folks are looking at, it's not really me. It's my Avatar." "The White House had the annual Hanukkah party. It had to go better than last year when President Bush kept wishing everybody 'Happy Harmonica.'" "The Democrats think they have 60 votes to pass the health care bill. That's 58 Democrats and the Salahis.""Tiger Woods was named Athlete of the Decade. Well, that should change the topic." "Al Gore's in a feud with Sarah Palin over global warming. What kind of a dope gets into a feud with Sarah Palin?"
Top Ten Things Overheard In Line To See "Avatar": 10. "What a coincidence! I couldn't find a woman to go with me either!" 9. "If I wear my 3-D glasses over my 2-D glasses, can I see in 5-D?" 6. "It's set in the year 2154 when America finally passes a health care bill" 3. "Hold on -- Tiger's texting me."

Jay Leno: "Three Christmas trees have come forward to say they were flocked by Tiger Woods." "A medical marijuana store in Denver called The Ganja Gourmet offers a marijuana pizza. Talk about killing two birds with one stone." "The new Boeing Dreamliner is 50% lighter than their last plane. Unfortunately, passengers are now 70% heavier." "A story claims Tiger paid some of his mistresses from $5,000 to $20,000 a month to keep quiet, the year's second bailout plan that didn't work. The Associated Press named Tiger Athlete of the Decade. Lance Armstrong was runner-up. So it was Tour de France and Tour de Pants."

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert were in reruns.

Conan O'Brien: "Tiger's wife Elin wants to file for divorce in California, a community property state, so she'll get half: 4 houses, $500 million, and 7 mistresses. The Associated Press named Tiger Athlete of the Decade. He's totally going to get laid now. And his caddy was named Man of the Year by 'Wingman Magazine.'" "They're saying 'Avatar' may turn into the biggest grossing movie of all time, until next summer's 'Indiana Jones and Spiderman of the Caribbean.'" "Domino's Pizza is pulling their ads from 'Jersey Shore' to avoid offending their Italian-American customers. They don't realize they HAVE no Italian-American customers." "A New Jersey gay porn star has been convicted of burglary and sent to prison, which he's viewing as the role of a lifetime."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Have you given out your Christmas tips? Every year I let my garbageman reach into my pockets and grab whatever he can. Fun for both of us." "Tiger's wife may be filing for divorce, citing irreconcilable waitresses. The only way Tiger can get out of this is to go on Oprah and come out of the closet. 'Couldn't have been me. I'm gay.'

Jimmy Fallon: "A scientist has worked out a mathematical model for parking a car. It's the only math problem Asians aren't good at." "Some 26% of the unemployed blame President Bush for their problem. The other 74% blame majoring in English Literature."

Craig Ferguson: "Exactly 106 years ago today was the Wright brothers' first flight, which lasted only 12 seconds. It would have been shorter, but they had to change planes in Atlanta. The brothers spent years tinkering with 30 different models, much like Tiger Woods. Just think, only in the last 106 years have humans been able to experience the wonders of flight, and of the tiny bag of nuts, which you can also experience with the miracle of steroids."

A soldier who wants to marry a nightclub drag queen is mudered in San Francisco in the 1920s, and his body is dumped in the Marin Headlands. That's the story in a manuscript which may have been written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. In present-day San Francisco a man who lives his life as Sherlock Holmes is murdered, and his body is dumped in the same spot in the Marin Headlands. An item in Leah Garchik's S.F. Chronicle column features in this enticing mystery.

Friday, December 18

Winner Jimmy Kimmel: "A 22-year-old's virginity comes to a shrieking end this weekend when Kevin Jonas trades his purity ring for a wedding ring, an impurity ring. Monday his brothers are going to have a lot of questions for him."

David Letterman: "I'll be honest with you. Many of these jokes HAVE been regifted." "I'm setting two extra places at Christmas dinner, because I'm hoping the Salahis will show up." "I was shopping for my son and told the clerk, 'I'd like something that would appeal to a six-year-old,' and he said, 'How about your show?'" "Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay ninety feet away from mistletoe. Tiger's taken an indefinite leave from golf, an indefinite leave from the sport. You know, the Knicks have done the same thing. But Tiger'll be back next fall in the 10 p.m. slot." "'Avatar' is about a guy who has to do a job on a toxic planet using a remote-controlled biological body. It's based on the play by Noel Coward." Guest Tom Dreeson: "Obama signed the stimulus package on the same desk where Clinton got his package stimulated." "I took advantage of Obama's Cash for Caucasians program."

Jay Leno: "Congress is ready to pass the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act." "Blackberries went dead yesterday, so instead of sexting, teens were forced to draw naked pictures of themselves and fax them to each other." "General Motors is shutting down Saab. What is it about Swedish-American marriages that just doesn't work out?"

Conan O'Brien: "Tiger's popularity has plummeted from 85% to 33%. Obama's also at 33%, but Tiger had a lot more fun getting there. A friend says Tiger's just eating cereal and watching cartoons. He's gone from living every man's fantasy life to living every man's real life. His wife is divorcing him. As a single woman she'll have a better chance at sleeping with him." "Twitter crashed last night, so there's still no word on what Ashton Kutcher had for breakfast." "A study found that just a few doctors write most of the medical marijuana prescriptions. The leading one is Dr. Dre."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The popularity of Kwanzaa is declining. It's the Tiger Woods of holidays." "Last night we had our Christmas party. It's not Christmas until you've been dry humped by the receptionist." "Charlie Gibson retired from ABC news." Jimmy showed a clip of Charlie saying farewell and then turning around, dropping trou and mooning the camera."

Jimmy Fallon: "Tiger mistress Jamie Grubb is posing for the cover of 'Maxim.' His wife Elin is posing for the cover of 'Fortune.'" "A medical marijuana store in Denver called The Ganja Gourmet has a marijuana pizza that stoners are calling The Death Spiral. The marijuana in the pizza makes you want more pizza, and the marijuana in that pizza makes you want even more pizza."

Craig Ferguson: "New York is the unhappiest state in the country. Luckily they don't give a rat's ass." "Queen Elizabeth rode a regular train to her winter vacation, and all the way the conductor had to listen to, 'It's old and rickety and smells like pee-pee.' But the other passengers quit complaining once the Queen got off." "'Avatar' is the most expensive movie ever made, but you don't need $300 million to make a movie. All you need are good actors, a good script and boobies. Maybe not even actors and script."

Monday, December 21

Winner Jay Leno: "The House is debating a law that would make it illegal for commercials to be louder than the programs. The only program not affected would be 'The View.'"

David Letterman: "We have three feet of fresh powder over on 8th Avenue, and all lifts are running. Looks like that climate conference is already working. They had to use an avalanche dog to find Mayor Bloomberg. Have you ever been out shoveling snow and shoveling snow and you uncover a Jehovah's Witness? I got one of those ergonomically correct snow shovels. It puts less strain on Mom's back. Today is the shortest day of the year. Longest day of the year is Christmas with your relatives." "'Avatar' features the legendary Floating Mountains of Pandora, played by Pamela Anderson.
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Child presented by Stewie Griffin: 8. "Ever notice how much I resemble mom's personal trainer." 1. "Why can't you get a show at 10 p.m. like Leno?"

Jay Leno: "There was so much snow in D.C. people thought Marion Barry was mayor again." "Now some of the women are saying Tiger didn't use protection. He put covers on his clubs and not his driver?" "You heard about that Olympic weightlifter who gave birth during a training session and hadn't even known she was pregnant. Her teammates hadn't known she was female." Headlines: "Infertility may be inherited." "For sale: Lifetime collection of Indian air heads." "For sale: mink pecker earrings."

Conan O'Brien: "The Senate held a vote at 1 a.m., because that's when McCain gets up to pee." "McDonald's is opening forty restaurants in Russia. They'll all feature the Deeply Unhappy Meal." "Paris Hilton is changing her catchphrase from 'That's hot' to 'That's huge.' Her doctor's catchphrase is still 'That's herpes.'" "'Avatar' already has a spinoff. The hero risks his life by entering the bodies of 14 strange creatures. 'Avatiger.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "The health bill will extend coverage to 30,000,000 uninsured people, or as Wal-Mart calls them, employees." "Setting those terrorists free in Afghanistan is like letting Roman Polanski loose at a Jonas Brothers concert." "Tiger Woods and some friends spent the weekend sailing on his $22 million yacht Privacy, or as it soon will be known, I'm Elin's."

Craig Ferguson: "When I was single I just put a drawing of a Christmas tree on my refrigerator, and of course wore my mistletoe underpants." Guest John McDonald: "My mother says, 'I don't want to pressure you, but I want to have grandkids before I die.' I told her, 'I don't want to pressure you, but you might want to have another child.'"

Tuesday, December 22

Winner Craig Ferguson: "The guy next to me on the plane pulled down his tray and started addressing Christmas cards. I'd had no idea he was gay. So I opened my pants and fell asleep."

David Letterman: "You can help make New York a happier place. After 10 p.m. use a silencer. Give Mayor Bloomberg a ride on your shoulders." "Kevin Jonas got married, so now the only virgins left are the guys lining up for 'Avatar.'" "Retailers are reporting big crowds. Most of them are shoplifters, but ..." "President Obama got his swine flu shot today. Wait a minute. How did the Salahis get in there?"

Top Ten Christmas Carols: 6. Frosty the Snowman, Had a Carrot on His Face, 'Til Some Young Punks Relocated It, To a Very Naughty Place. 5. Here Comes Tiger Woods, Here Comes Tiger Woods, Driving Really Fast. Here Comes Elin Woods, With a Seven Wood, Clobberin' Tiger's Ass.

Jay Leno: "It's so cold on the East Coast, the kids are sending each other pictures of themselves with their clothes on." "Christmas is on Friday this year. We're finally back to the true meaning of T.G.I.F. You know, cities can't have Nativity Scenes anymore. You can only have mixed-race, gay-friendly holiday hostels." "There are female suicide bombers now. Instead of 72 virgins they get 72 guys who help out around the house." "Big brokers got bailed out and are now raking in huge bonuses, proving it's better to be a fat cat than a horny Tiger."

Conan O'Brien: "New parents are naming their babies after 'Twilight' characters: Bella, Edward, and Shirtless Werewolf." "Darth Vader rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. Yes, the most evil entity in the Universe welcomed Darth Vader." "The top hero of 2009 was Sully Sullenberger for landing his plane on the Hudson. Number two was Tiger Woods for landing safely on everyone else."

Jimmy Fallon: "There are only two more shopping days 'til Christmas, unless you're a man. Then there are two whole shopping days 'til Christmas." "Tiger may still be seeing Mistress #1. I guess Tiger decided just to play through." "The Russians may send a monkey to Mars with a robot. It'll be the first space mission to go directly to DVD." "A man was arrested for following people around supermarkets and smelling their butts. Evidently he has a crack problem."

Craig Ferguson: "If I were a better liar I wouldn't have been divorced twice." "They say shopping online is faster, but it isn't for me. At the mall I can't be distracted by porn." "The economy's bad, unless you're a jewelry store near Tiger Woods' house." "When I was younger it was easy to shop for me. You couldn't go wrong with liquor and bailout money." Guest Kathy Griffin: "I'm gay adjacent."

Wednesday, December 23

Winner David Letterman: "At my house Christmas eve we're going to build a big roaring fire in the fireplace, get the Regis Philbin Christmas CD, and throw it into the flames."

David Letterman: "New York is like Dick Cheney. All major arteries are clogged. I was stuck in a cab that didn't move for 20 minutes. Finally the driver said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to get out and walk.'" "A guy in Indiana made a life-size replica of a stagecoach out of a million and a half toothpicks. And somehow that makes what I do in life pointless. And guess what, girls, he's single." "You buy a Christmas tree, $600. Then if you want it tied to the roof of your car, another $50. No, wait, that's a hooker."

Jay Leno: "I've already gotten what I wanted for Christmas. The Balloon Boy's parents are both going to jail." "Supposedly the Obamas are not exchanging gifts this year. Mr. President, if you don't get her a present, you'd BETTER get a health care plan in place." "The terrorists are recruiting women as suicide bombers. They must be able to push a car, because women aren't allowed to drive." "Mexico has approved gay marriage. It's now legal for gays south of the border to go south of the border, a little Juan on Juan action." "Colgate has a new toothbrush with toothpaste on it that you use once and throw away, or as they call it in Britain, a year's supply." "A poll found four out of ten men have been pressured into sex. Tiger says, 'That's what happened to me!' Tiger's living on his boat. Well, he should be used to rocking all night by now."

Conan O'Brien: "President Bush is writing his memoirs, concentrating on twelve major decisions in his life, eleven of them made by Dick Cheney." "Cher is going to auction off her house in Hawaii. So the recently renovated 60-year-old structure is selling her house."

Jimmy Fallon: "Luxembourg consumes the most alcohol per capita of any country in the world, and women in Luxembourg are the most beautiful in the world, after 10 p.m."

Craig Ferguson: "At Christmastime in L.A. drivers give you a little smile as they give you the finger." "When I was a boy we'd leave out cookies and whiskey for Santa, and then one year on Christmas morning I smelled cookies and whiskey on my Dad's breath, and I realized the awful truth. Dad had been making out with Santa Claus."

All Shows Are in Reruns December 24 - 31

Special Book Report

Most of my favorite authors list P.G. Wodehouse as one of their chief influences. He's a master. Below are a few examples from A Few Quick Ones, a collection of short stories.

Women are divided broadly into two classes Ñ those who, when jilted, merely drop a silent tear and those who take a niblick from their bag and chase the faithless swain across country with it. It was to this latter section that Agnes Flack belonged. Attila the Hun might have broken off his engagement to her, but nobody except Attila the Hun, and he only on one of his best mornings.

If Agnes Flack had been about a foot shorter and had weighed about thirty pounds less, the sound which proceeded from her might have been described as a giggle. She stretched out the toe of her substantial shoe and made a squiggle with it on the gravel.

What she was drawing to my attention was a large oil painting. A classical picture, I suppose you would have called it. Stout female in the minimum of clothing in conference with a dove.
"Venus?" I said. It's usually a safe bet.

My attitude towards Jeeves on these occasions is always that of a lost sheep getting together with its shepherd.

The girl said Well, fancy that, adding that it was a small world, and Bingo agreed he had seldom met a smaller.

His eye, which had been duller than that of Purkiss, suddenly began to sparkle, and what he had supposed to be a piece of spaghetti in the neighborhood of his back revealed itself as a spine, and a good spine, too.

Now when a financier, even a retired one, learns that a young fellow of the mental calibre of Reginald Mulliner has come into possession of fifty thousand pounds, he does not merely say, "Just fancy!" and leave it at that. He withdraws to his study, ties a wet towel about his forehead, has lots of black coffee sent in, and starts to ponder on schemes for getting the stuff away from him. Sir Jasper had many expenses, and the circumstance of his young friend having acquired this large sum of money seemed to him, for he was a pious man, a direct answer to prayer. He had often felt how bitterly ironical it was that a super-mug like Reginald, so plainly designed by Nature to be chiseled out of his cash, had had no cash to be chiseled out of.

Sir Jasper had not presided over a hundred general meetings for nothing. He preserved his composure. The closest observer, eyeing his face, could not have known that his heart, leaping into his mouth, had just loosened two front teeth.

And Bingo had started to totter off, when the sergeant reminded him that there was something he was forgetting.
"Your baby, sir."
"Oh, ah, yes."
"Shall we send it, or do you want to take it with you?"
"Oh, with me. Yes, certainly, with me."
"Very good," said the sergeant. "I'll have it wrapped up."
"'Hey!'" he cried. 'I've been looking for you for years. I would like to take up that matter of my little account, Mr. Ukridge.'
"Well, there was only one thing to do."
"Pay him?"
"Of course not. Pay him, indeed! A business man can't fritter away his capital like that, Corky. Strategic retreat seemed to be indicated, and the next moment I was off like a flash, with him after me."

"My heart ached for the poor little thing. I knew exactly what a girl like that would be getting a week. Just about the three or four quid which you or I would spend on a single dinner at the Ritz."
The idea of Ukridge dining at the Ritz and paying for it took my breath away, and he was able to continue without interruption on my part.

"Unknown to me he had lined up behind me in the queue, and I could see at a glance that he was one of those public-minded good citizens who cause so much trouble."

Ukridge had always been a good trencherman, particularly when a guest ...

To say that Oofy was all in a dither is really to give too feeble a picture of his emotions. They were such that only a top-notcher like Shakespeare could have slapped them down on paper, and he would have had to go all out.

Jas Waterbury drew himself up with a touch of pique. "I'd call Myrtle a nice-looking girl."
"I wouldn't."
"She's supposed to look like me."
"That's what I mean," said Oofy.

Oofy remained where he was, smoking a dazed cigarette and feeling like Daniel after he had shaken off the lions and had a moment to himself.

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